How to Handle Difficult People - Pocket Guide

How to Handle Difficult People Joe Gilliam

The Challenge Five misconceptions about communication:

1. People always pay attention when you are talking 2. When people say they are paying attention, they really are 3. When someone says, “I know; I understand,” they really do 4. Saying something over and over ensures that someone is listening 5. Saying something over and over loudly is more effective than just saying it over

and over Everyone FAILS

Fears they won’t get enough attention. Lose control. Assumptions – this leads to communications failure. Insensitivity Labeling – negative labeling of groups of people.

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Knowing People Five things about people that makes them different:

1. All people are motivated. 2. You cannot motivate others. 3. People do things for their reasons, not ours. 4. Strengths can become weaknesses. 5. The purpose of all of us being different is to compliment and complete each other.

People are not difficult – they are just different. They are not going to change. Two types of behavior: Directive and Affiliative. One is not better then the other.

1. Directive: more aggressive. Have the tendency to tell you what to do, take risks. 2. Affiliative: more passive. Ask what to do.

Four types of people – SELF: “S” people have a high need to be around people. They have a high need to tell them what to do.

• Strengths: Persuasive, risk takers; competitive, hate to lose; pursue change; confident; open.

• Limitations: when they overdo they become push, overbearing, intimidating, restless, impatient; manipulative; uncontrollable.

“E” behavioral style.

• Strengths: they like to tell people what to do but unlike “S” people, they have a high need to get things done. Results oriented.

• Limitations: Dogmatic, stubborn, rigid, unapproachable, distant, critical, and insensitive. They are so results oriented they don’t need feedback. They have a tendency not to give any.

“L” people are team oriented, devoted, caring, enthusiastic, helpful, accessible, trusting, and sensitive.

• Strengths: people orientation is their greatest value. • Limitations: they become too other oriented, forget about themselves, indecisive,

impractical and vulnerable, hesitant, subjective. Want everyone to be happy.

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“F” people:

• Strengths: exacting, thorough, factual, reserved, meticulous, practical, calm and avoid risk

• Value: quality oriented, do it right, make sure it’s done right, accuracy. • Limitations: slow to get things done, become withdrawn.

Encountering Resistance Tension arises among people and causes resistance. Stress level goes up. Seven types of resistance:

1. Due to change. 2. People in a bad mood. 3. Invasion – people feel invaded. 4. Irritation – some people irritate others. 5. Negativism. 6. Fear – immobilize certain people. 7. Perceived role others should play.

Seven keys to conquering resistance:

1. Become likeable. 2. Give status to resistance. 3. Don’t aggravate resistant people. 4. Don’t force the person to be defensive. 5. Don’t always be trying to find fault. 6. Be willing to lose a battle in order to win the war. 7. Be patient with people – everyone is in a growth process.

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Confronting problems – dealing with resistance:

1. Neutralize Resistance. o Replacement – use “and:” not “but.”… you might want to think about

this.” 2. Detour around it.. 3. Compliment them. “Thank you. I appreciate your sharing that with me.” 4. Reduce resistance. Exaggerate the cause of the resistance.

o Ask: “What is the worst possible thing that could happen?” o Compare the resistance with something worse. o Comfort. Focus on intent of other person. o Challenge. “What is your reason for resisting?”

Things you can do to minimize the likelihood of having difficult encounters.

1. Become interested in other people. 2. Smile 3. Listen. Be actively involved in listening.

o Step one: give undivided attention o Step two: encourage the other person to speak o Step three: use reflective skills – echo in their words or summarize what

they said To cope with resistance:

1. Asses the situation. Am I dealing with a difficult person or a person in a difficult situation?

2. Ask the question, “What am I willing to accept about this person, situation?” 3. Distance yourself from the person or situation.

Classic types of difficult people; when needs aren’t being met.

1. The bull. A stressed out person who says, “My way or the highway.” o The stressed out behavior of an “E” person.

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o They become irrational. o They will have the last word.

To cope with them: o Remain calm and be assertive. Breathe deeply. o Keep eye contact. o Don’t move. o Don’t interrupt. o Ask permission to take notes. o Ask open-ended questions.

2. The fox. Uses a dart in the back – sarcasm. The stressed behavior of an “S” person. Not enough attention.

3. The time bomb – they give, give and give. Then they explode. To cope: o Give them respect. Listen. Don’t defend yourself.

4. The stone wall. “E” and “F” people. They give the silent treatment. To cope: o Create an attitude of honesty and respect. But to those who try passive aggressive behavior: o Ask the questions that require an extended answer. o Be attentive but don’t fill the silence. o Show them the consequences if they don’t open up.

5. The ultra-agreeable. The “yup hound.” Negative stress behavior of the “L” person. Their needs aren’t being met – to be liked. They agree to what you say, and agree, and then do nothing. To cope:

o Make honesty non-threatening. o Be personal when you can, but watch out for unrealistic commitments. o Get specific date for something to be done.

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6. The bump on the log. Usually “F” persons. To cope:

o Challenge to be optimistic. o They need more information. o Hear what they are saying about what they need.

7. The know-it-all. Usually “F.” They do “know it all.” To cope: o Do your homework. o Listen to them. o Never directly tell them they are wrong.

8. The fake know-it-all. The stress behavior of an “S” person getting attention. They can talk about what you want to talk about. To cope:

o State the facts and give them an opportunity to save face. o Confront in private.

9. The procrastinator. Any of the four behaviors but usually “L” and “F.” “L’s are over committed. “F’s are waiting for more information. To cope:

o Bring the issue out into the open; then help them to break the problem down.

o Show them lots of support, and help them make decisions. The keys to handling hurt and angry feelings.

1. Displace the negative thought with a positive thought. Rational people think only one thought at a time.

o Every morning make positive affirmation statements. o Listen to self improvement tapes; motivational tapes. o Quiet time. Get alone and prepare yourself mentally, emotionally, and

spiritually for the day. o Make a point to put humor in your life everyday.

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o Exercise. Laughter and exercise releases endorphins in the brain.

2. Deal with your anger. o Put yourself in charge of you. Calm down, breathe deeply. o Be specific. What was it that the person is doing hat wasn’t nice. o Correct the things that may be leading to part of the problem. o Approach the encounter logically.

3. Be flexible. Show appreciation for the person. 4. Give positive criticism. 5. To bring out the best in people:

o Don’t complain. o Don’t’ condemn. o Don’t criticize.

How to soften the hardest heart: The SOFTen formula.

Smile. Open – be open to people. Forward – lean forward. Touch – physically.

Dale Carnegie’s Ten Commandments for Changing Attitudes

1. Avoid arguments. 2. Respect people enough to let them be themselves. 3. Admit faults. Don’t look for faults in others. 4. Start where you both can agree. 5. Focus on the positive. Ask a question that requires a “yes” answer.

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6. Actively listen. 7. Give credit where credit is due. 8. Use empathy – when what happens to others has happened to you. 9. Use sympathy – when what has happened to others hasn’t happened to you. 10. Understand their motivations.

How people “get to you:” buttons that people are going to push on you. You can react, or you can ask a question.

1. The vicious circle: If you loved me you’d care.” - “When did you start thinking I didn’t love you?”

2. The double bind: “If you really loved me.” – “When did you start thinking …?” 3. Hedging: “I would never tell you what to do, but…” – “Thank you for your

restraint.” 4. The fishing expedition. “Some bosses, if employees were late, would….” –

“When?” 5. An example of someone trying to get you to react: “Even a monkey could do your

job.” Don’t be a reinforcer. Reinforcers: an activity that encourages another activity. When we give in to difficult behavior, we reinforce it.

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How to Handle Difficult People - Pocket Guide

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