How to Control Your Anger Before it Controls You

How to Control Your Anger Before It Controls You

By Nilesh Mandlecha(Psychologist and MBA in Human Resource

Development)

Annoyance (HNE)

Anger(UNE)

ARISTOTLE views about AngerAnyone can become angry.. that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose and in the right way.. this is not easy.

Epictetus views about AngerYou choose to overreact to the obnoxious andunfair behaviour of others.

You can wisely choose to react much differently.

Cost of Anger1) Anger Destroys personal relationships• The relationships that are damaged are often your

best - Separation, Divorce• The most frequent target of Anger is spouses,

children, coworkers and friends

2) Anger Disrupts work relationships 3) Making difficult situation worst4) Anger sparks Aggression / Violent Behaviour5) Anger may lead to heart Disease

Myth about Anger

1) Actively expressing your anger reduces it2) Take time out when you feel Angry3) Anger pushes you to get what you want4) Insight into you past decreases anger5) Outside events make you angry He made me Angry

She pissed me offThey made me furious

Motivational Interviewing - Why to work on Anger?

• Advantages and Disadvantages of working on Anger

• Advantages and Disadvantages of not working on Anger

Unhealthy Anger-related Inferences

Unhealthy Anger-related Inferences 1) Another person (or group of people) breaks a socially agreed rule, a legal rule or one’s own rule a) Person breaks socially agreed rule - Someone jumps a supermarket queue. b) Person breaks legal rule - Someone drives through a red light. c) Person breaks individual’s rule - Someone turns up late for an appointment with an individual

Another person (or group of people) breaks a socially agreed rule, a legal rule or one’s own rule

Irrational Belief Behind Unhealthy Anger

Person breaks socially agreed rule -

Some one JumpsSupermarket queue

Rigid Demand – The person must not jump the queueOther’s Depreciation Belief – he is a selfish rotten person for doing so



Person breaks LegalRule -

Some one drives through a red light.

Rigid Demand - The person absolutely should not have driven through a red lightOther’s Depreciation Belief - He is an inconsiderate bastard for doing so



Person breaks Individual (one’s own rule) Rule -

Someone turns up late for an appointment with an individual

Rigid Demand - The person absolutely should not have turned up late for an appointment with me Other’s Depreciation Belief - He is a pig for doing so

Unhealthy Anger-related Inferences 2) Being blocked or frustrated in her progress towards a goal

a) Being stuck in a traffic jam.

b) Another person blocking the

person’s promotion.

c) Missing a train connection.

Being blocked or frustrated in her progress towards a goal


What happened? Being stuck in a traffic jam.

Rigid Demand - ‘I must not be stuck in the traffic jam. LFT belief - I can’t stand it that.Other-depreciation belief - Whoever is responsible for this is a bastard.



What happened? Another person blocking theperson’s promotion.

Rigid Demand – Arun blocked my promotions. He absolutely should not have done this.

Other-depreciation belief - He is a pig for doing so



What happened? Missing a train connection.

Rigid Demand - ‘I missed my train connection because I left home too late. I absolutely should not have done this.

Self-Depreciation Belief - I am an idiot for doing so

Unhealthy Anger-related Inferences 3) Injustice/Unfairness

a) The person being promised a raise if she works overtime but not receiving it, even though she kept her side of the bargain.

b) Being prosecuted for a crime that the person did not commit.

c) Another person being prosecuted for a crime that they did not commit.

d) A child being shouted at unfairly by a parent.

Unfairness or Injustice happened in my Life


I was promised a raise if I worked overtime. I worked overtime but was not given the promised raise.

Rigid Demand - My boss absolutely should not be so unfair to me. LFT Belief - It is intolerable. Other-depreciation belief - He is a bastard for breaking his promise.



I was prosecuted for a crime that I did not commit.

Depreciation belief about life conditions - The justice system stinks(Bad) for doing something to me. Rigid demand - It absolutely should not have done.



‘A colleague of mine was prosecuted for a crime that she did not commit.

Other-depreciation Belief - The police are bastards for doing something to her

Rigid Demand - They absolutely should not have been allowed to get away with. LFT belief - I can’t tolerate this injustice.

Unhealthy Anger-related Inferences 4) Threat to Self-esteem

a) Rejection b) Being criticised c) Being ridiculed.

• Unhealthy Anger about a threat to his self-esteem, Person tends to hold three irrational beliefs: (a) Rigid Demand about the person threatening him self- esteem (b) Other-Depreciation Belief about this person (c) Self-Depreciation Belief (usually well hidden) that

renders him vulnerable to the threat in the first place.

Threat to Self-esteem Irrational Belief Behind Unhealthy Anger

What happened?Someone criticised Rakhi (who felt unhealthily angry about this criticism)

Rigid Demand -I must not be criticised.Self-depreciation Belief -If I am criticised then it proves that I am an inadequate person.

Threat to Self-esteem Irrational Belief Behind Unhealthy Anger

What happened?Someone criticised Rakhi (who felt unhealthily angry about this criticism)

Rigid Demand –You must not criticize me.Other-depreciation Belief and Self-depreciation Belief – Your criticism remind me that I am an inadequate person and you are no good for doing so.

• Ego-based Disturbance • Non-ego-based Disturbance

Unhealthy Anger-related Inferences 5) Being treated with Disrespect

Irrational Belief Rational Belief

Ego Disturbance:I must not be criticised and blocked from getting what I must have.If I don't get promoted or salary rise then I am no good

Ego Health:I would much prefer not to be criticized but if I am criticized for a poor performance or because the Chief Executive thought I could have done better and the promotion I expected is blocked and I don’t receive that salary raise I expected that is too bad.

My performance is being criticized doesn’t mean that I am no good unless I myself foolishly think so.

I am fallible human being who on this occasion has failed to reach a certain standard and has been criticised . Now let me see how I can use this criticism to correct my shortcomings and do better next time.

Irrational Belief Rational Belief

Discomfort Disturbance:I must not be criticised and blocked from getting what I must have.If I don't get promoted or salary rise I want, then I would be deprived and I cant stand that!

Discomfort Tolerance:I would much prefer not to be criticised because I very much wanted to win that promotion or at least salary rise but I didn’t . So I am deprived!

My performance was criticised and I certainly don’t like that but I can obviously stand it.

May be now I would better sit down and figure how to profit from the criticisms I have received so that I stand a better chance of getting what I want in future

Being treated with Disrespect


Being treated with Disrespect (Ego Based Disturbance)

Rigid Demand –Other person must treat me with respectSelf-depreciation Belief -If other person is not treating me with respect this proves that I am not worthy of respect.



Being treated with Disrespect (Ego Based Disturbance)

Rigid Demand –Other person must not treat me with disrespect. Other-depreciation Belief and Self-depreciation Belief -Other person is a bastard for reminding me that I am not worthy of respect (by disrespecting me).



Other person has transgressed my rule by treating me with disrespect(Non-ego based Disturbance)

Rigid Demand -Other person must not treat me with disrespect and that.Other-depreciation Belief -When other person is treating me with disrespect he is a bastard for doing so.LFT belief - I cant tolerate it

How to examine the accuracy of anger-related inferences if necessary• How likely is it that I was disrespected (or might be disrespected)?

• Would an objective Jury agree that I was (or might be) disrespectful ? If not, what would their verdict be?

• Did I view (am I viewing) the situation in which I inferred disrespect realistically?

• If I ask someone I could trust to give me an objective opinion about the truth or falsity of my inference about being disrespected, what would that person say to me and why?What inference would be or she encourage me to make instead?

• If a friend told me he faced (or was about to face) the same situation I faced and had made the same inference of disrespect, what would I say to him about the validity of his inference and why? What inference would encourage him to make instead?

Identify what you are most unhealthily Angry about?( Critical ‘A’)• What was I most unhealthily angry

about in the situation I was in?

• Did I think I was being frustrated? If so, in what way?

• Did I consider my progress towards an important goal was being obstructed? If so, what was my goal and the nature of the obstruction?

Identify what you are most unhealthily Angry about?( Critical ‘A’)• Did I think that I or some one else transgressed

one of my rules? If so who transgressed the rule? what rule did I/they transgress and how did I/they transgress it?

• Did someone disrespect me? If so how did they show disrespect for me?

• Did someone or something threaten my self-esteem? If so, what was the nature and source of the threat?

Use Magic question technique• Focus on situation in which you felt unhealthily

angry. Example - My daughter went out without saying goodbye to me and I felt unhealthily angry

• Without changing the situation, ask yourself “What one thing would have eliminated or significantly reduced my unhealthy anger?

Example - If I’d known she had not disrespected me, I wouldn’t have felt unhealthily angry

• The opposite is what you were most unhealthily angry about. Example - I was unhealthily angry about my daughter’s disrespecting me by leaving without saying goodbye.

Unhealthy Anger & Thinking consequences


Healthy Anger & Thinking consequences

You Overestimates the extent to which the other person acted deliberately.

You See malicious intent in the motives of others

You think that the others may have acted deliberately but you also recognise that this may not have been the case.You think that the others may have had malicious intend in their motives, but you also recognise that this may not have been the case



You see yourself as definitely right and other(s) as definitely wrong

You think that you are probably (rather than definitely) right and the others are probably ((rather than definitely) wrong

You are unable to see the other person’s point of view

You are able to see the other persons point of view



You plots to exact revenge.You ruminate about the others behaviour and imagine coming out on top

Does not plot to exact revenge.You have fleeting (rather than sustained) thoughts about revenge

Unhealthy Anger and Unconstructive Behaviours

Unhealthy Anger and Unconstructive Behaviours

Healthy Anger and Constructive Behaviours

You attack the others physically

You attack the others verbally

You attack the others passive-aggressively

You displace the attack on to another person, animal or object

You withdraw aggressively

You recruit allies against the others

You assert yourself with the others

You request, but not demand, behavioural change from the other

You non-aggressively leave an unsatisfactory situation after taking steps to deal with it

You express your feelings about problem and talk in non-complaining way about your feeling

Becoming less prone to unhealthy anger1) Accept yourself unconditionally for prone to unhealthy

anger (As fallible human being) – Accepting does not mean you cannot work to become less

prone to unhealthy anger

2) Deal with emotional problems about unhealthy anger (Meta Emotion)

• Guilt about unhealthy anger• Anxious about he prospect of experiencing unhealthy

anger• Depressed about feeling unhealthy anger• Ashamed about feeling unhealthy anger• Unhealthy anger with yourself for making yourself

unhealthily anger

Some Examples

Irrational Belief (Unhealthy Anger)

Rational Belief (Healthy Anger or Annoyance)

Rigid Belief:He must send reports to me on time. ‘Because his failure to send me his reports on time is frustrating me which he should not, must not do it’

Flexible Belief: That makes no sense because you don’t run the universe and it is foolish to command or dictate that because you don’t like what someone is doing, therefore he or she must do it!

‘I strongly want this man to send me in his reports regularly on time but he doesn’t have to’.

Awfulising Belief:‘I find it awful to be frustrated’

Anti awfulising Belief:‘I definitely don’t like receiving his reports late each month. It is frustrating but it’s not terrible.Frustration is an inconvenience but not a horror. Is being frustrated really that terrible?



Discomfort Intolerance Belief:He is not sending his reports on time, its highly frustrating which ‘I can’t tolerate it!’

Discomfort Tolerance Belief:Oh yes, you can tolerate being frustrated without ever liking it. I obviously can tolerate it although I’ll never like it’

Others Depreciation Belief:‘He is a total bastard for treating me like this!’

Unconditional Others Acceptance Belief:‘People who frustrate you are not total bastards but they are fallible human being who have their own agendas and will often frustrate you in pursuit of their own goals.’

‘I don’t like this man’s sloppy behaviour and I wish to hell he would change it!’‘This fellow is not a louse, he’s a fallible human being who’s doing the wrong thing. If I have him come in and see what he has to say about it, I can figure out a way of avoiding these delays in future’

When an individual demands that “Life must be fair”!• Marty worked for a large investment bank. He had been with the bank for many

years, had built up a good reputation and was in charge of an entire floor of dealers. Now in his late fifties, Marty was looking forward to early retirement Marty seldom handled investment assignments himself, preferring to delegate as much as possible and make himself available to dispense his advice and wisdom to anyone whom he thought could do with it.

• One morning, Marty’s boss came into Marty’s office and laid a specially coloured folder on Marty’s desk. I want you to handle this one yourself, Marty, said the boss. This is a big one and it’s important. There’s a lot of money involved and we would better get it right. So don’t pass it down the line, Marty. And I am sorry but you are going to have to work extra hours on this one – late nights and weekends to make sure you catch the various world stock markets when they open.

• As soon as the boss had left Marty’s office, Marty thumped his desk and swore under his breath, it isn’t fair! Why did this have to happen to me? Marty’s basic Ib was: Life must go smoothly and pleasantly for me, especially now when I am getting ready to retire! From this iB, Marty concluded the following.



Rigid Belief:‘It’s unfair that I have been given this assignment and that should not happen’

Flexible Belief: ‘I would like things to tick over smoothly for me until I retire but they probably won’t and they don’t have to’

Awfulising Belief:It’s terrible that I’m going to have to work long unsocial hours!’

Anti awfulising Belief:‘It’s a pain in my neck that this important job has come in and will entail me working nights and weekends but it’s hardly awful or terrible!’

Anger at life conditions : Life must be fair



Discomfort Intolerance Belief:‘I can’t stand having all this extra hassle just when I’m planning to take things easy with my retirement coming up!’

Discomfort Tolerance Belief:‘I can certainly tolerate it and if I have to delay slightly my plans to retire, that’s just too bad. I won’t like it but I can stand it’

Life Depreciation Belief:‘The world’s a rotten place when things like this happen!’

Unconditional Life Acceptance Belief:‘Just because I am being inconvenienced at a time when I least want it hardly proves that the world is rotten place. Lets face it, the world is a complex mix of good, bad and neutral. Tough! That’s the way it is.’

• In the above example, Marty was not angry with his boss. He realized that his boss had no option but to assign the job to the most experienced member of his staff. However, just for argument’s sake, imagine yourself in Marty’s position and that you really are angry with your boss for having given you the special assignment.

• You had better not denounce your boss for allegedly treating you unfairly! So, after you have studied the previous section and agreed that it is unhelpful to damn others for frustrating you, let’s offer you an additional strategy for nipping your anger in the bud before it can do you any harm.

Situation: Respect Not givenHistory: Anita had always attached her self-worth to achievement. As a

child she was taught that she didn’t amount to much unless she did extremely well at whatever she was given to do. Anita’s father never wanted daughter, he was disappointed when Anita was born. In his view females are less capable and should be treated like that.

Background: Anita got promotion on merit. For Anita her appointment proved that she at last worthy of respect. In her eyes promotion validated her self worth. She thought I am somebody and no longer just a nobody.

• She wished her staff members to address her by her surname preceded by ‘Ms’.

• In the office John was careful to use what Anita asked but when they were in off duty in staff restaurant John and his two colleagues greeted her as Anita.

What she was Angry about?: Anita made herself furiously angry, when John in Particular used her first name.

• Anita also inferred that John and others are secretly jealous of her promotion and resented her for it because she was female.



Rigid Belief:I must be treated with respect by everybody on the staff, bar none!

Flexible Belief: ‘I want to be treated with respect by the staff but they don’t have to obey my rule.

Awfulising Belief:‘It’s terrible that some members on the staff don’t show me the respect that they should

Anti awfulising Belief:‘It’s bad but not terrible when John and the others don’t treat me always as I want them to’

Discomfort Intolerance Belief:‘I can’t bear it when they show that they do not respect me’

Discomfort Tolerance Belief:‘I can jolly well stand their disrespectful behaviour although I might never like it’



Self Depreciation Belief: And if people show that they don’t respect me that proves that I am unworthy of respect and basically worthless

Unconditional Self Acceptance Belief: It’s unfortunate if they appear to disrespect me but I can accept myself as a fallible human being whether or not these others respect me and whether or not I continue to hold my management position’

Others Depreciation Belief:‘They are rotten, women-downing people for treating me disrespectfully and for reminding me of my basic worthlessness’

Unconditional Others Acceptance Belief:‘Neither John nor any of my previous colleagues are rotten people for not treating me at all the time as I want them to. They are fallible, unrateable human beings who are not doing as I desire.

• Anita’s primary problem was not her anger but her low sense of self-worth.

• Her anger served to protect her from her basic feeling of worthlessness which she experienced whenever anyone said or did anything which reminded her of it.

• Even if she were right about some of her colleagues being jealous and resentful of her success, that might merely indicate that they had a problem, but that there was no reason why Anita should make it her problem.

• Anita's feeling of damning anger would decrease her chances of having good and respectful relationships with her colleagues in the future

• USA: By unconditionally accepting herself as having intrinsic value to herself regardless of weather or not she achieved great things in life.

She needed no external symbols to validate herself as a human with intrinsic value to herself



Rigid Belief:He must send reports to me on time. ‘Because his failure to send me his reports on time is frustrating me which he should not, must not do it’

Flexible Belief: That makes no sense because you don’t run the universe and it is foolish to command or dictate that because you don’t like what someone is doing, therefore he or she must do it!

‘I strongly want this man to send me in his reports regularly on time but he doesn’t have to’.

Awfulising Belief:‘I find it awful to be frustrated’

Anti awfulising Belief:‘I definitely don’t like receiving his reports late each month. It is frustrating but it’s not terrible.Frustration is an inconvenience but not a horror. Is being frustrated really that terrible?

Example - Rakesh developed the following general unhealthy anger based irrational belief:

• ‘Others must respect me and if they don’t, I am not worthy of respect and they are no good for showing this.’

• Specific situation - He was in a restaurant with a group of friends and a waiter asked everybody else for their order, but didn’t ask Rakesh for his.

• His Inference - the waiter showed me disrespect by not asking me for my order.

• Rakesh reasoned: ‘Because I can’t convince myself that the waiter’s failure to ask me for my order was an innocent error, then he showed me disrespect.’

• Rakesh’s belief did not allow him to think that the waiter may have made a mistake.

• Once Rakesh created his inference that he had been disrespected, he made himself unhealthily angry about it by holding a specific version of his general irrational belief - ‘The waiter showed me disrespect by not asking me for my order. He absolutely should have shown me respect and because he didn’t, I am not a person worthy of respect and he is no good for demonstrating this.’

People develop and rehearse a view of the world about unhealthy anger - based irrational beliefs

People develop and rehearse a view of the world about unhealthy anger-based irrational beliefs

World view: Inference:

It’s a dog eat dog world.

People’s actions will often be vicious and attacking.

People develop and rehearse a view of the world about unhealthy anger-based irrational beliefs


People only look after themselves and their own.

People’s motives are primarily influenced by selfishness.

People develop and rehearse a view of the world about unhealthy anger-based irrational beliefsWorld view: Inference:

There’s no such thing as an accident. People always act with deliberation.

When people transgress the rules, they do so deliberately.

People develop and rehearse a view of the world founded on unhealthy anger-based irrational beliefs


People are out to get me, so I need to get them before they get me.

People’s actions are designed to harm me.

Face your unhealthy anger-related theme in imagery

• Imagine a specific situation in which you felt unhealthily angry or may feel unhealthily angry about frustration, goal obstruction, rule transgression, disrespect or a threat to your self-esteem; focus mentally on what you felt most unhealthily angry about (i.e. your 'A'). (Next Slide)

• Focusing on 'A' while rehearsing a specific RB, try to make yourself feel healthily angry, but not unhealthily angry.

• Imagine yourself acting in ways consistent with your RB, e.g. asserting yourself with the other person and engaging him or her in productive dialogue. (Next Slide)

• Recognize that some of your post belief thinking may be distorted. Respond without getting bogged down doing so. Accept the presence of any remaining distorted thoughts without engaging with them.

• Repeat the above steps until you feel ready to put this sequence into practice in your life.

Act assertively inrelevant anger-related situations

• Choose a specific situation containing the theme about which you're likely to make yourself unhealthily angry.

• Make a plan of how you're going to assert yourself in the situation.

• Rehearse a specific version of your general RBs before entering the situation so you can face what you're angry about in a rational frame of mind. It would also be useful to develop a shorthand version of your specific RB to use in the situation.

• Enter the situation, accepting the fact that you're likely to be uncom fortable doing so. Assert yourself as previously planned. React to any consequences from a rational frame of mind if you can.

• Recognize that even though you've got yourself into a rational frame of mind, some of your thinking may be distorted and unrealistic; some may be realistic and balanced. Accept the presence of the former and don't engage with it. Engage with the latter as much as you can.

Capitalize on what you learned and generalize your learning

• Reflect on what you did and what you learned. In particular, if you were able to(1) Face the person (2) Rehearse your specific RBs and (3) Assert yourself

Deal with any problems facing unhealthy anger-related situations

• If you experienced any problems facing the person with whom you were unhealthily angry using the above steps, answer the following:

1)Did I face the person? If not, why not? 2)Did I rehearse my RBs before and during facing

the person? If not, why not? 3) Did I engage with post-belief distorted thinking?

If so, why?• Reflect on-your experience and put into practice

what you have learned for the next time you face the unhealthy anger-related situation.

Gestalt therapy

• Understand positive intension • Separate intension and

behaviour

Overcoming Anxiety

By : Nilesh Mandlecha

How to Control Your Anger Before it Controls You

Health & Medicine

Transcript of How to Control Your Anger Before it Controls You