House 4th Rev draft by Jason Gavin Mar 23 2008 Script · MINNIE You're cute when you're crusty....

HOUSE M.D.

“Love Is Blind”

Written by

Jason Gavin

Representation:

Jennifer Good

The Alpern Group

818-528-1111

TEASER

FADE IN:

INT. GYMNASIUM -- NIGHT1 1

A DARK GYMNASIUM, charged with excitement. UP-TEMPO MUSIC kicks in, as the familiar "Y'all Ready 4 Diss?" anthem blares at maximum volume. SPOTLIGHTS sweep the crowd -- but it's not an NBA game, it's a HIGH SCHOOL GYM full of FIFTY-SOMETHINGS. A cheesy YOUNG D.J. barks instructions.

YOUNG D.J.Class of Sixty-Seven, last round of the dance elimination contest. Let's see who sizzles, who fizzles 'til we know the shizzle.

(off crowd's confusion)Finalists take the floor, please.

Overhead we see a CLASS OF 1967 REUNION banner. COUPLES in their 50's move to mid-court for the dance off. Tight on MINNIE HAUSEN, not letting age slow her down, and her beau EDWARD CRAWFORD. His face is HALF BURNED, but he's smiling.

EDWARDYou still up for this?

MINNIEI could care less about that trophy. Admit it, this is for you.

EDWARDBetter me than Skip Moynihan.

MINNIEThat'll teach him to steal your prom date. You'll have to describe the look on his face when we win.

We realize that Minnie is BLIND.

EDWARDIt was homecoming.

MINNIEWell if I'd been your date he'd never have had a shot at your gal.

EDWARDIf only I'd met you forty years ago when I could dance without risking death.

(re: hip hop music)Do kids really listen to this garbage?

MINNIE You're cute when you're crusty.

Finally the D.J. turns off the hip-hop, segues into something more quiet and appropriately paced.

YOUNG D.J.Okay, now a shout out from my main man, Frankie Vanilli.

EDWARDVALLI!

MINNIEJust keep dancing, you.

YOUNG D.J. You know da rules, fools: if the judges tap you, you're out, take a seat. Now bust a move!

EDWARDKeep your eyes on the prize, Jitterbug!

Sadly, Edward is losing steam fast. A JUDGE taps him and Minnie, they're out. But Minnie didn't seem to notice.

EDWARD (CONT'D)Come on, Min, it's over.

The annoyed judge TAPS Minnie again, but she keeps dancing. Well... not dancing, so much as STUMBLING. She's in trouble, but in the darkness nobody can tell. A SPOTLIGHT settles on her to shame the stubborn contestant off. The D.J.'s dreaded "Hater Alarm" siren goes off--oh, snap!

The judge gives Minnie the "Yer out" signal, then gives her a nudge across the floor. But Minnie BUCKLES into the buffet table, sending PUNCH AND PIE flying. Edward GRABS her.

EDWARD (CONT'D)MINNIE!

The music stops, the CROWD GASPS. Minnie VOMITS and starts to SEIZE VIOLENTLY.

EDWARD (CONT'D)Somebody call an ambulance! Hurry!

Off Edward, desperately clutching Minnie--

CUT TO BLACK.END OF TEASER

House - "Love Is Blind" 2.

ACT ONE

FADE IN:

INT. STAIRWELL -- MORNING2 2

CUDDY makes her admin rounds when her cheerful morning is interrupted by none other than --

HOUSE(reads)

Obituary: Doctor Gregory House, forty-seven. Cause of death: Interminable boredom.

House speed-limps at her, worked up over something.

CUDDYI'd always assumed it would be friendly fire. By multiple assailants.

HOUSE(re: patient chart)

This patient you sent me, Minnie Hausen--

CUDDYHow is she?

HOUSEStabilized, apparently.

(a beat, brightly)But considering she's a geriatric hat trick of afflictions--diabetes, hypertension, reduced liver function--I see no reason why I should see her.

CUDDYThose diseases were ruled out as causes of her attack. I gave it to you because it was kind of odd.

HOUSE"Kinda odd" is nice in a peep show or a Bangkok speakeasy, not a patient. I'm chief physician of an elite medical team, remember?

House shoves the patient chart at her. Cuddy looks around.

CUDDYTeam? What team? You're just a plain old doctor. Who gets plain old cases.


HOUSECome on, give me something good.

CUDDYNo. Assemble a team to replace the one you fired, then you'll get the Glengarry leads.

Cuddy SMACKS the patient chart right back into his chest.

INT. CUDDY'S OFFICE -- AFTERNOON3 3

Round two. House enters Cuddy's office with TWO THIRTEEN YEAR OLD BOYS in tow, each wearing an OVERSIZED LABCOAT. Cuddy looks up, waits to see what the angle is.

HOUSE(lecturing boys)

Hypothesis: Elderly Bat goes to high school reunion, forgets she's now a sickly diabetic hag.

(aside)Aging sucks, kiddos, avoid it if you can.

Cuddy doesn't react.

HOUSE (CONT'D)Too many kamikazes and tiramisus later, BAM, diabetic ketoacidosis. Expee-a-la-docious.

(to Cuddy)Heck, we can make that call without even seeing the patient.

(then)Patient has received insulin stabilization, I.V. fluids and had blood pH normalized via minimal dialysis. Case closed. Tomorrow she can check out and go die of one of her other ailments.

House tosses the hot-potato medical chart back to Cuddy.

CUDDYOkay, I'll indulge you. What gives with the kids?

HOUSEThey're my new team! Cause if you give me junior high biology cases, I might as well have junior high interns so at least somebody learns something.

(excited)


(MORE)

Tomorrow we're dissectin' a frog. Yuck!

The two teens now realize they're just props.

TEEN #1Mister, you said if we wore these coats and came with you, we'd get to see a naked lady.

A glare from Cuddy.

HOUSE(re: Cuddy)

That's kinda more up to her than me. Word on J-Date is it's quite a show.

Cuddy shakes her head--there will be no naked ladyness today.

HOUSE (CONT'D)She has cooties anyways.

CUDDYPut these kids back where you got them. Right now.

(off silence, to boys)Where did he find you?

TEEN #2Downstairs in the arcade.

CUDDYThe doctor's not mature enough to follow instructions, but you boys are. Please leave.

HOUSE(to kids)

She's not the boss of you.

But the kids are leaving.

TEEN #2Can we at least have the roll of quarters you promised us?

HOUSE No. Stop trusting old men hanging out by video games, you'll end up seeing a lot more than a naked lady.

The two boys exit, disappointed but a little wiser.


HOUSE (CONT'D)

CUDDYThat was adorable. But it still doesn't bring you any closer to having a medical team. And until you do, I'll find the most mundane cases I can and refer them all to you.

HOUSEYou don't have time to do that. You're busy with... stuff. And things.

CUDDYAre you forgetting that Cameron and Chase work for me? You think your former students wouldn't jump at the chance to help make your life miserable?

House knows they would; he's beaten. Cuddy sticks the unwanted medical chart right back in his hands.

CUDDY (CONT'D)Assemble a real team of interns. Or I'll have every fungal patient play "Guess-that-itch" with Doctor House.

Cuddy offers standard "now get out" glare number three.

INT. HOUSE'S INNER OFFICE -- AFTERNOON4 4

House plays FROGGER on his COMPUTER. He ignores a KNOCK on his door. And a LOUDER one. In his peripheral vision, EDWARD enters and waves hello, but House doesn't look up.

EDWARD... Doctor House?

(louder, slower, points)You're Doc-tor House?

HOUSE(fake sign language)

I'm not a deaf person, I'm an annoyed one.

EDWARDI'm sorry. I'm with Minnie Hausen -- she's one of your patients.

HOUSENo she isn't. Not yet.


House continues playing his game. Edward waits, courteous but steadfast. Finally, House's frog is RUN OVER by a truck.

HOUSE (CONT'D)(re: smushed frog)

Gross!(looks up, re: burnt face)

Grosser!

EDWARDWe were just wondering when you were going to --

HOUSEFine. Hold on.

(grabs file, peruses it)Loss of consciousness. Vomiting. Diabetes. She's quite a catch.

(reads on)Blind. Hmm, that's actually a good match for you. Considering, ya know, that whole Freddie Krueger thing you got going on.

Edward draws on a reservoir of patience; he needs House.

EDWARDWe appreciate the treatment so far but we'd hoped to meet with you--

HOUSE I'll be down in an hour.

EDWARDThank you. Thank you!

HOUSEDon't thank me.

(re: files)Thank the eight hemorrhoid sufferers I'd have to see if I didn't take your case.

EDWARDPlease, when you talk to Minnie... can you be...

(carefully)She's a gentle soul.

HOUSEDon't worry, me too.

Off Edward, relieved to get Minnie a consultation with a genius, but concerned that the genius is an asshole--


INT. MINNIE'S PATIENT ROOM -- AN HOUR LATER5 5

House limps in, obviously here out of mere obligation. Minnie sits in bed, staring blankly ahead. After a moment of no acknowledgment from her--

HOUSE(loud)

Uhm, HEL-LO?!

MINNIEStop shouting. I may be blind, but I hear just fine, thank you.

(a beat)Well? Speak up, don't waste my time if you charge by the hour.

She's not quite the gentle soul he was expecting. Minnie's got the spunk of a middle-aged Katharine Hepburn, and it's thrown House just a bit.

HOUSEYou are aware I'm the doctor who's treating you?

MINNIESo far all you've done is hollered.

HOUSE(re: chart/instruments)

No further convulsions. Blood pressure stabilized. So what are you so mad about?

MINNIEI feel like crap. What's your excuse?

HOUSE You do know I'm authorized to inject people?

(mutters)You old crank.

MINNIEYou think just because you've got a bum leg you can be pissy to everyone?

House reacts--how did she see his lame leg?

MINNIE (CONT'D)I had two broken legs. Spent a year in a wheelchair, so the one-legged get no pity from me.


House tunes her out and pops a VICODIN.

MINNIE (CONT'D)(serious)

The pain in the legs never quite goes away, does it? Thank heaven for opiates.

Okay, now House is thrown. Can this lady actually see what he's doing? He starts making FACES at her. ANGRY. GOOFY. She doesn't react. Okay, she's blind, but...

HOUSEAre you one of those blind people whose other senses got more acute? You heard my cane? Or...

House shakes his pill bottle. Minnie lets him wonder.

MINNIEI'm psychic.

(a beat; then laughs)Edward told me you had a cane. And that you're a grouchass. Which is fine. I used to be one too.

HOUSEOh, this is "used to be"?

MINNIE'Til I met Edward. You'd be amazed what a little affection can do for one's outlook on life. You should try it.

HOUSEI do just fine.

MINNIEYes, I suppose the real reason for the cane is to beat away the throngs of women.

(nicer, but only slightly)Now you be nice to my Edward from now on, he's not like you and I. Are we clear?

House usually administers the duff, not takes it.

HOUSEFine. If you need anything, press that button to call a nurse.

He starts out.


MINNIEWhich button? There's dozens.

HOUSE (O.S.)(smiles)

The blue one.

INT. CAFETERIA / EXT. COURTYARD - AFTERNOON6 6

House sits alone under flickering fluorescent light, a crummy TV dinner before him. He looks out the window and sees Minnie in a wheelchair, sitting with Edward in the SUNSHINE.

On a checkered picnic tablecloth, they play a game of CHESS using CRACKERS, BRIE CHEESE and CARVED CARROTS as the pieces. Minnie points at something, and as Edward looks, she EATS several of his little carrot pawns. He catches her, and flips a DOLLOP of brie at her. She's quite playful.

It devolves into an affectionate food fight. It's what you and I might call true love, or what House would call a waste of good grub. House looks down at his pathetic bachelor's lunch and pushes it away.

INT. LECTURE HALL -- AFTERNOON7 7

House sits silent at the lectern, doing a crossword puzzle. TEN INTERNS with NUMBER TAGS watch him. They're bored stiff, checking the clock, yawning. Among them we know: KUTNER (a.k.a. Kumar), cutthroat AMBER, African American Mormon COLE, the hottie "13", and plastic surgeon TAUB. A handful of others wait too. Oh, the ennui!

WILSON enters and crosses quickly to House.

WILSONWhat's the emergency you paged me for?

Wilson looks at the WHITEBOARD where they list a patient's symptoms. It's BLANK. There appears to be no case.

HOUSEWhat is the smartest species of monkey -- not ape, mind you -- on the Asian mainland, and, this is important: with less than eight letters in its name?

WILSONYou pulled me out of my rounds for a crossword puzzle?

House shakes his head. Wilson GRABS the crossword puzzle.


WILSON (CONT'D)That question's not even on here!Unbelievable.

HOUSEI know. I can't think of one either.

(then)Are you dating anyone?

WILSONAre you soliciting?

HOUSEIt was a simple question.

Wilson indicates the CROWD of FELLOWS listening.

WILSON Which we need to discuss here... now... why?

HOUSE(perhaps... hurt?)

You missed our lunch appointment.

Wilson grabs a DICTIONARY and tosses it to House.

WILSONLook up "lunch appointment" and see if it says "to show up unannounced and steal someone's food". And find your monkey too, while you're at it.

And he leaves. The fellows wait. Finally guy #7 RISES, collects his confidence--he's a charismatic dude--and talks.

#7Doctor House, sir... I'd like to offer to get things moving, if that's okay. What can I do?

The CLASS is surprised by #7's gambit. House is too, but he's ready to work.

HOUSEAlright, then. I suppose I'll need three of you.

House eyes the crowd, then pulls out a BINGO GAME, arbitrarily drawing numbers.


HOUSE (CONT'D)(off chits)

Okay, numbers: B twenty. G Eight. And...

(smiles, points at #7)"Lotto." Come with me. Everyone else is free to bugger off today.

#7, a.k.a. "LOTTO" smiles. Speaking up worked. He gets to make the rounds with House. All the day's anonymous losers look at him with envy.

HOUSE (CONT'D)Review the file, then meet in my secret hideout.

INT. HOUSE'S INNER OFFICE -- LATER8 8

House and his three interns -- #8, #20 and Lotto -- analyze the case. The symptom WHITEBOARD has a running list, including "Diabetes. Liver & renal function reduced. Hypertension. Spent time in Africa. Recurrent low pH blood sample? Seizure? Vomiting."

House dials up Cuddy on SPEAKERPHONE.

CUDDY (O.S.)You've got two minutes, make it quick.

HOUSEOh, you say that to all the guys.

CUDDY (O.S.)Please make your next comment work-related and not legally actionable.

HOUSEJust wanted to let you know I've seen the light. I'm treating your patient, and I have a team. Of grown-ups, even.

Off House's gesture, the fellows ad lib "hello's".

HOUSE (CONT'D)See, they exist. So can I return the files of the flatulent and rash-addled?

CUDDY (O.S.)Okey-doke. I'm glad you saw fit to respect my authorit--

CLICK. House HANGS UP on her. He turns to the fellows.


HOUSE(re: whiteboard)

Question: Most of the time diabetes or liver/renal symptoms are slow progression and degenerative, not sudden and catastrophic. And during inpatient treatment they don't tend to wax and wane from day to day like in this case.

#8It's peculiar. Very weird.

HOUSEThose are adjectives. I was looking more for, say, diagnoses. This being a hospital and all.

(then)Blood tests have eliminated any parasites or creepy-crawlies she would have come across in Africa. Voodoo excepted.

#20Maybe incompatible medications interacting?

HOUSENo new medications in the last five years. Prescribed, anyway.

LOTTOShe stopped taking her medication?

HOUSEDoubtful. You have a condition for years, the medications become part of one's routine.

House flips a VICODIN in his mouth, downs it dry.

#8Pancreatic fistula. Internal. Would explain the metabolic acidosis.

#20Fistula triggered by what?

#8Trauma. This says she was in a camping trailer rollover two months ago on her safari trip.


HOUSE Best explanation so far. Pending examination.

#20You haven't examined her yet? Wouldn't that shed some light --

HOUSE When you examine a patient, you don't get facts, you get spin and lies. You also get peed, pooped and puked on. Which is why I'll let you examine her.

INT. MINNIE'S PATIENT ROOM -- EVENING9 9

Minnie EXERCISES with a WALKER as Edward encourages her. House and the three fellows enter.

EDWARDYour balance is better--

LOTTOWe'll need a few moments alone with your wife.

EDWARDIt's girlfriend, not wife. I'm working on that.

(then)I'll hit the gift shop. Trinkets of jade or onyx, Lovey Dovey?

MINNIEThurston, you fool, this island has nothing but coconuts and bamboo!

They do have their fun. Edward pecks her cheek and exits.

LOTTOHow are we feeling tonight, Mrs. Hausen?

MINNIE(weary)

We were better before dinner. But now my head got... light-headed. I mean, I'm light-headed.

House signals for the interns to take the lead. Better for Minnie to grouse at them than at him.


#8We think this might be what's called an internal pancreatic fistula. Acidifies the blood, among other symptoms. Weight loss--

HOUSE(can't help himself)

--Have you had foul smelling stools lately?

MINNIEAre there any other kind?

#20...Anyway, the controlled diet you've been on should have alleviated some of the problems.

MINNIEDoesn't feel like it. Tell the chef the lobster's been sub-par.

#20Uhm, we'd like to get you on "enteral nutrition".

House hands her a LARGE UNCOMFORTABLE HOSE and grins.

HOUSEFeeding tube. Big one.

MINNIEWhere does this go?

#8-- Just in your nose.

HOUSEBelieve me, if we were allowed to tape this to your mouth for a few days, I'd be all for it.

She's having a harder time moving the walker now.

#8Before your collapse at the reunion, did you overdo sweets? Wine?

MINNIEAll taboo since I started dating the Health Nazi.


(MORE)

He gave up sugar for me, so you can imagine my chances of ever getting a damn cookie when he's around.

(nods to where Edward was)Wait, where is he?

#8He just left, remember?

MINNIE Edward is so good to me. Is he here?

#20Are you alright?

No. Minnie has just PEED ON THE FLOOR--like an overhydrated Clydesdale. She FALLS forward as the interns catch her.

#8Ms. Hausen?

No response. They lay her in bed and check her vitals.

#20BP's down to eighty over forty, and dropping.

LOTTOThat makes no sense, she's got high blood pressure.

Still unconscious, Minnie PUKES on #8. House shrugs: he said patients do this kinda stuff. Okay, time to fix things.

HOUSEReady norepinephrine.

LOTTOBut she's hypertensive!

HOUSERight now, she's crashing! Push norepinephrine! Subclavian line.

#20Seventy over thirty-five and dropping...

Off Minnie, unconscious, as House jabs the needle into the line on her shoulder--

CUT TO BLACK.

END OF ACT ONE


MINNIE (CONT'D)

ACT TWO

FADE IN:

INT. HOUSE'S INNER OFFICE -- THE NEXT MORNING10 10

House sits quietly. Wilson holds a pen, nose in the NY Times.

HOUSEWhat would cause a patient with a lifetime of hypertension to suddenly develop low blood pressure?

WILSONWhat would you be if you were a twelve lettered marsupial... but not from Madagascar.

HOUSEA kangaroooo. With six "O's."

Wilson considers MINNIE'S WHITEBOARD CHART.

WILSON Hidden internal bleeding? Or pulmonary valve issues.

HOUSEScans showed nothing. I ordered a second MRI now that she's stable.

They both brood, either on diagnoses or marsupial trivia. A CUTE FEMALE INTERN enters holding a PLATE OF BAKED GOODS.

FEMALE INTERNDoctor House, the scans are done. Pancreas was fine. Tox and allergy screens are normal.

(brighter)Oh, I baked this morning.

She timidly places the plate on his desk, offers a small smile, exits. Wilson is amused.

Wilson notes the CROWD OF INTERNS waiting in the hallway.

WILSONWow. They fear you. And now they bring tribute. You're this close to becoming an angry volcano god.

(sardonic)Can we sacrifice a lady to you?


HOUSESays the man with three women's bodies on the pyre of his failed marriages.

WILSONOuch!

HOUSEDon't test the volcano gods. Ooga booga!

(a beat)So are you gonna tell me if you're on the make or not?

WILSONYou're conversation's so much more polite when it's just "ooga booga."

Wilson snags the BAKED GOODS and leaves.

INT. HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER11 11

The INTERNS wait tediously. House emerges from his office.

HOUSEWe've eliminated pulmonary defects as the culprit. And renal complications don't explain half the symptoms.

LOTTOSo where do we go from here?

HOUSEHoboken.

Huh? They're used to hearing some weird shit, but still...

HOUSE (CONT'D)I'll need three of you. Who brought their permission slips?

(to baker girl)You -- "Brownie."

"Brownie" is delighted. The other fellows scoff. House pulls a Ziggy Cartoon-of-the-Day calendar (there ironically, of course) off his desk, opens it to a random date.

HOUSE (CONT'D)(off date)

Number twelve.

That's Amber, the backstabber.


HOUSE (CONT'D)And... hmm. Who here has a German car? Two thousand eight or newer?

#14 and #27 smugly raise their HANDS.

HOUSE (CONT'D)Seats?

#14Leather.

(topper)Butter soft.

#27Suede.

(then)From veal.

HOUSE (CONT'D)Seatwarmers? It's nippy out.

#27 folds. #14 smiles and thanks God for rich parents.

HOUSE (CONT'D)Everyone else enjoy your indolence. You three... meet me in the garage in thirty. You bring your fancy streudel-wagon. And Brownie...

(thinks)More cookies. And a crowbar and Phillips head screwdriver.

Leaving them in the wake of his non-sequitirs, House exits.

INT. EMERGENCY ROOM - AFTERNOON12 12

CAMERON is jarred to attention by an angry voice.

HOUSE (O.S.)Okay, where is he? You thought you could hide him? Cuddy should have given the case to me!

She turns to see House hobbling toward the CURTAIN behind her.

CAMERONYou don't work down here. This hospital is not a circus show for your amusement--

HOUSETwo hundred grand in med school buys me a front row seat in the freak tent. Now lemme see.

Reaching past her, he yanks the curtain aside to REVEAL--

PETE, a run-of-the-mill vagrant -- 30's, sun-beaten, unshaven. And stinky.


HOUSE (CONT'D)(to Cameron)

Your mother and I are concerned you've lowered your dating standards, young lady.

(to Pete)What are you here for, pal?

And here's where it gets odd. Because Pete is either doing a spot-on JACK SPARROW IMPRESSION or he's a real live pirate.

"PIRATE" PETE(aargh!)

Dunno, mate. I lost me coins.

House is wowed. Cameron has heard Pete talk before and is just annoyed at House's gawking.

PIRATE PETE(yo-ho-ho)

I told 'em, I woke up and can't remember where I left me bloody coins!

HOUSEDid you check on the map under the big red "X"?

Pirate Pete has enough marbles to know he's being mocked. Cameron GRABS House's ARM and forcibly escorts him away.

HOUSE (CONT'D)If it's coins he be wantin', mehinks me just saw a "buck-in-'ere."

CAMERONHomeless advocates found him on a routine sweep. He's a John Doe, no I.D., no missing persons reports --

HOUSE-- If this story doesn't have a diagnosis or a sea monster in it real soon --

CAMERONI've got blood at the lab. Hopefully we'll find trace pharmaceuticals to see what his meds are. Get him back on them and ask him who he is.


HOUSEHave you ruled out the obvious conditions? Parrot allergy? Scurvy? Cutlas elbow?

CAMERONThat's it, you're banished.

Cameron YANKS House's arm and TURBO-LIMPS him away.

HOUSE-- The pharmaceutical scan will come back negative.

She slows down. He's finally ready to help.

HOUSE (CONT'D)Didja notice he was embarrassed when I laughed at him?

CAMERONI did. Why didn't you shut the hell up?

HOUSEI didn't say I cared that he was embarrassed. I just observed that he was.

CAMERONYour point?

HOUSEYour everyday nutjob will talk to a tree stump and could care less when people gawk. Not that guy, he minds. He's not unmedicated. His problem is something else.

CAMERON(begrudgingly)

Thank you for the observation.

HOUSEWell, I'm bored. All I got is a grouchy old bat who yells at me every time I go in her room.

CAMERONAll the same, I don't think you'd be all rah-rah if I showed up to play in your sandbox.


HOUSEMy sandbox, no. But my mud-wrasslin' pit, heck yeah. Fridays are bikini optional.

Cameron leaves House in the midst of his petit mal perv-out.

EXT. HOSPITAL COURTYARD - AFTERNOON13 13

BITTER INTERNS eat lunch and ruminate over Minnie's chart.

#18These blood results make no sense. Why did her anion gap worsen if she stabilized?

KUTNERSenior Loken disease would explain that, even the blindness. But the blood pressure doesn't match. Maybe... Rhabdomyolysis.

#18Crush syndrome?

KUTNERA couple months ago she was on a safari trip and got briefly pinned in a camping trailer rollover. Something finally ruptured?

#18(the real concern)

Can you believe he picked Brownie to be on today's team?

KUTNER Hey, she thought of a hook and she worked it. More power to her.

(sober)I mean, how long before House whittles us down to the final three? A month?

(everyone nods)And he doesn't even know most of our names. But two people who do something to make an impression --

#18Lotto and Brownie.


KUTNER-- they get picked to go with him. And now they're not just a number.

#18So you get a nickname, you've got a chance.

The interns eye each other. So that's how it's gonna be.

INT. MINNIE'S PATIENT ROOM -- AFTERNOON14 14

House engages Minnie from her bedside, perhaps even a little intimidated by her. Cameron enters.

CAMERONCame by to check out your sandbox.

House ignores Cameron, continuing with Minnie.

HOUSEI just wanted to stop by --

(for Cameron's benefit)-- to make sure these butchers are treating you okay.

MINNIEOh, if they don't, they'll know it.

HOUSEI heard you smacked one of my fellows. And threw a bottle at another.

MINNIEPlease, it was a paper cup. Next time he'll remember to warm his hands before touching me there!

(then)I'm blind, not numb.

HOUSE As a general rule, nobody's allowed to abuse my interns but me. Rest assured we'd like to be rid of you as much as you'd like to leave.

MINNIE You're still mad because I yelled at you. I'm sorry I've been punchy. But I meant what I told you before. About opening up.


HOUSE(terse, cuts her off)

Well, vitals have stabilized. If you have any medical questions, someone will come by later.

MINNIE You have such a hard time with intimacy, don't you? I always did until I met Edward.

(no reply)Being honest with yourself is the first step in opening up to others.

Cameron looks at House, who's gotten uncomfortable.

HOUSETell you what, I'll agree to stop coming by for life advice if you'll agree to stop peeing on my floor.

MINNIEThere you go lashing out. You're so afraid. You can't share anything with anyone.

House wouldn't admit that to himself, let alone in the presence of a stranger and a co-worker.

HOUSEI need to leave. I've got agonizing violent diarrhea from the commissary slop.

(then)There, enough sharing?

House exits, a man comfortable talking about his excretions but not his emotions.

INT. HALLWAY -- MOMENTS LATER15 15

House does a P.O.'d limp-sprint; Cameron catches up.

HOUSEAren't you needed downstairs? I'm guessing it's called the emergency room for a reason.

CAMERONThat lady gets to you. She's grouchy, she hates interns.

(fake eureka)Hey, is that your mom?


HOUSE(ignores this)

-- That pirate guy -- did he have head trauma?

House makes it clear--next subject. A beat.

CAMERONA little. Had a bump on his head. Not even a bad one --

HOUSE-- Can you get an MRI on him?

CAMERONThey're backed up a week if it's not life threatening.

(beat; back to Minnie)Kinda funny that a lady as salty as her found a soulmate. I guess there is a fit for everyone.

HOUSEI'm sure the guy with two penises will be delighted to hear that.

CAMERONI'm just saying she's in love. And some people find that nice.

HOUSE (stops, turns on her)

"Love"? What you call "love" is just mutual desperation. People find the best person they can aspire to cling on to. That's why fat people "love" other fat people, and the burned freak "loves" that blind lady. Cause they don't have the courage to face life alone. And then when things go wrong and their other half drops dead, "people" find out just how wrong they were 'cause we are all alone. Only now they're even worse off cause they're stuck bellyaching about a dead soulmate they thought would be there for them --

(off Cameron's stung face)I'm not referencing your dead fiancé, okay?

CAMERONYou can't offend me. Only I can control that.


HOUSEThanks for that Self-Help Sally daily affirmation. "I'd give myself a hug, but I don't know if I could stop at first base."

House plods away. Off Cameron--do you disdain a guy like that, or pity him?--

INT. 2008 BMW 5 SERIES - AFTERNOON16 16

House rides shotgun while #14 drives. Brownie and Amber sit in back. House fiddles with the Beamer's gadgets like Yoda meddling in Luke Skywalker's X-Wing camping kit.

HOUSEThis seatwarmer is sumptuous! Now for a little A/C?

Annoyed, #14 flips it on. House wallows in the breeze.

HOUSE (CONT'D)Ah, American wastefulness at its most decadent. I feel like a Mc-D-L-T. Hot side hot, cool side cool.

(off no reaction)It was a sandwich. Before any of you ate solid food.

(then)Anyone curious why we're going to the patient's home?

BROWNIEBecause given Ms. Hausen's semi-cogent status we can't ask her questions. Maybe her neighbors can give us some new information?

House scowls at Brownie like she's a mongoloid.

HOUSEYou do know we're about to break into her house, right?

Brownie didn't. But Amber did.

AMBERBecause people are liars and you can't trust what they tell you. Go behind their back and verify.

HOUSEDing ding ding, right answer. Ms. Hausen said she never had kidney trouble.


(MORE)

But her blood acidosis pH is all over the place, so we've got to find out why. And the places where we spend time tell more about us than we ever do.

(to Brownie)Take our driver: Fourteen, at whom Brownie makes ya-ya eyes. While what she should be glancing at is his music.

(re: CD's in visor)Brownie, you're queerly barking up the wrong tree!

#14How dare you just assume --

HOUSE-- That the Moulin Rouge and Liza Minnelli mean something?

#14There are other explanations.

HOUSESure. They could be your boyfriend's.

#14 stews. But not quite enough. Ding ding ding!

INT. MINNIE'S HOUSE - A WHILE LATER17 17

Minnie's modest home. From her CAT'S POV, we watch the top of House's HEAD pop up outside, scanning for a pickable lock.

HOUSEOkay, Brownie, I need that crowbar.

BROWNIEI thought you were joking.

(defensive)Hey, I brought the snacks.

SMASH! The sound of breaking glass. The cat skedaddles away. AMBER steps into frame, opening the door for House.

AMBER(re: broken window)

If the old hag lives, she can bill me.

Off House, impressed --

DISSOLVE TO:


HOUSE (CONT'D)

INT. MINNIE'S KITCHEN - AN HOUR LATER18 18

Later. They've searched through almost everything.

AMBERNothing odd about the litterbox. Her cat certainly gets his fiber.

BROWNIENothing in the medicine cabinet. The bathrooms are clean, no molds. The vents are fine.

#14She's just a normal lady in a normal home. Can we go now?

On the counter House notices a LOCKED MINI-DOGHOUSE COOKIE JAR that says, "Beware of Dog!"

HOUSEAnyone check that?

#14Yeah, it was locked.

House rolls his eyes. Amateurs.

HOUSEScrewdriver!

(remembers; annoyed)Fourteen, gimme your keys.

#14 gives him his key. House jimmies the lock. After a GROWLING SOUND from an imaginary guard dog, It SNAPS open.

It's just a stupid cookie jar for people without willpower, full of STALE CRACKERS. House bites one.

HOUSE (CONT'D)Can't ruin your diabetic diet with these turd biscuits.

(then)Uh, we're gonna need a taxi back.

House sheepishly hands #14 back his expensive BMW KEY. It's IRREPARABLY BENT. #14 glares at him. Outted and rendered a pedestrian on the same day...


EXT. HOSPITAL CAFETERIA - AFTERNOON19 19

The remaining interns pick at energy bars and coffees. It's been a long conversation. They're tired and out of ideas.

#9I worked nights as a croupier at a high stakes dice game. "Seven come eleven, baby!"

#18You tell House that, he'll nickname you "Crappy."

#37Hey, you guys know how Maraschino cherry have, like, stems?

#9Big whoop. You can tie them in knots with your tongue.

#37(deflated)

Not really. Mostly I just end up bending them.

Out of ideas, the fellows wallow in their nicknameless-ness.

EXT. MINNIE'S BACKYARD - AFTERNOON20 20

House stands by Minnie's GARBAGE CANS, lecturing.

HOUSEA patient has a mouth problem, you check the entire digestive tract, even the not-so-fun parts. Same thing here, basic biology. Inside, outside, because... The kitchen bone's connected to the...?

#14Trashbone?

House knocks the LIDS off with his CANE and POKES each bag.

HOUSENormal. Smelly. Abnormally smelly.

(to Amber)Lift that last one I mentioned.

Amber blanches. She thought she was his favorite. She pulls up the nasty bag of trash, revealing A HALF DOZEN EMPTY LIQUOR BOTTLES. Off House and the interns--


INT. MINNIE'S PATIENT ROOM -- NIGHT21 21

House has come alone. He observes Edward fawning over Minnie. Is he a little jealous of what they have? He POPS a couple VICODIN, enters.

EDWARDDoctor House, thank God. She's got stomach pain. Bad.

MINNIEHe's being overprotective.

(then, hurting)But it does have a kick...

Edward sees House's indifference. Minnie feels his silence.

EDWARDIs there anything you could give--

HOUSELet's start with some Antabuse.

MINNIEI beg your pardon?

HOUSEIt's a drug made for drunks. Like you.

MINNIEDoctor House -- Edward, I'm not --

(then)I stopped, I swear --

House sizes up Edward's reaction and sees he's aware of the problem too, despite Minnie's denials to both of them.

HOUSE Aside from how your drinking has undermined my treatment efforts, I really don't care.

(then)You could have spared me the sanctimony about being honest with people, though. You want to piss away your life, be my guest. Just don't waste my time with it.

House SLAMS the bottle of PILLS on Minnie's stand and walks out despite her weak protest.

CUT TO BLACK.

END OF ACT TWO


ACT THREE

FADE IN:

INT. HALLWAY -- MOMENTS LATER22 22

House plods away down the hall. Edward hurries to catch him.

EDWARD Doctor, please.

HOUSEI don't have time to save people who don't give a crap.

EDWARDBe as cruel as you want to me, but don't treat her like that. She has her demons, yes. But she has reasons.

HOUSEDon't we all. Gotta run. Frogger beckons.

House starts to head off, but Edward grabs him again.

EDWARDShe buried her entire family in one day. Her husband. Her child. Can you imagine?

HOUSEYou have a family, you know they gotta die sometime.

EDWARDYears ago. Someone crashed into them, she was thrown from the car and broke her legs. She watched them burn to death and couldn't even save them. Yeah, she drinks.

(half plead, half threat)She just needs help. Go help her.

(direct)I'd do anything to keep her from hurting.


House begrudgingly returns to Minnie's room. They're alone.

HOUSE I can give you something to help your stomach pain, but you need to tell me how much you drink.


MINNIEI stopped Tuesday, threw all the bottles out exactly five days ago. Honestly.

HOUSE(unconvinced)

Hallelujah! Another convert for the temperance crusade.

MINNIEI've shoveled some manure in my life, but that's the truth. My addictions cost me everything over the years. Friends, family. Then on our safari trip I didn't park our trailer safely. That night Edward and I rolled down an embankment and caught fire. I woke up a few days later in the hospital -- I'd lost my sight, but thank God I hadn't lost him. I resolved right then that when we got back home, I'd stop drinking.

House impatiently flicks the I.V. needle, in no mood.

HOUSEThis'll take the edge off. But I'm no bartender, I'm not interested in your life story.

MINNIE You're angry with me, I understand. I spent most of my life angry. And alone.

(then)But you know what got me to stop drinking? Not anger, not shame. Just simple love.

(sincere)Love's a funny thing, Doctor House. Losing it can make you want to die. But finding it makes you want to live.

As House readies the IV, he notices HIDDEN SCARRING near Minnie's armpits. Old, but still just discernible. TRACKS.

HOUSEGive me the other arm.

MINNIEIt's no better. At my worst, I wasn't just a drinker.


The other arm's the same. And on her wrists, the SLASH MARKS from a long ago suicide attempt(s). This is one messed up lady. House's gaze meets Minnie's blind, vulnerable stare.

MINNIE (CONT'D)I spent a life afraid of connecting ever again. But now for the first time I'm not scared anymore. I want to live.

House inserts the IV. Her eyes close as at least her physical pain subsides.

INT. LECTURE HALL -- LATER24 24

House and the remaining interns are in mid-debate. Minnie's white board now includes "Jaundice", "Alcoholic", "Intravenous Drug Use" and "Suicidal--Munchausen?".

KUTNERNon ABC hepatitis, sudden onset. That explains the symptoms. Intravenous drug use makes viral transmission possible.

#13She said she hasn't used IV drugs in years.

HOUSEAnd the junkie with the squeegee said he needs my dollar for his 401 (K) plan.

COLE(re: MRI in hand)

The scan shows no liver enlargement.

HOUSEOkay, what are other non-chronic causal factors?

AMBERShe was in a Kenyan hospital two months ago after her accident. Fast onset hepatitis with no enlargement could be triggered if they treated her diabetes with Troglitazone. It's discontinued here but still used in Africa.

HOUSE(to Cole, the black guy)

Don't you people have standards?


(MORE)

(then)Alright, do a liver biopsy.

TAUBBut her symptoms ramp up only after she eats. Now that we know she's a drinker, that screams pancreas. Acute onset would explain the sudden hypotension, the jaundice. She's been boozing. Lemme in the pancreas and I'll find the necrosis.

HOUSEIt's not the pancreas... She stopped drinking.

KUTNERAre you joking? Suddenly you trust somebody? Her, of all people--

HOUSE(a menacing glare)

I trust my gut.

Kutner shuts up, examines the floor. A long uncomfortable beat.

COLEHow about psychedelic mushrooms?

HOUSELet's solve the case first, then we'll party.

COLEI mean amanitin toxin poisoning. She has a garden, right?

HOUSEWith oak trees, if I recall. Favorite shady place for the death cap mushroom. Blind lady goes into garden, makes a fresh salad --

COLEAmanitin reaction is initially acute, then appears to subside --

HOUSEAnd then is followed by acute renal and liver failure. Explains blood acidity too. I take back what I said about your people, they're cool by me.


HOUSE (CONT'D)

House gives Cole some "dap" (bumping fists, for the hip-hop impaired).

COLEWe don't have much time. We could treat her with high doses of atropine.

HOUSEWe could kill her with high doses of atropine, if you're wrong and it's just hepatitis with chronic liver damage. Now who here...

(they hang on his words)... has a library card?

#14, the Liza fan, reluctantly raises his hand.

HOUSE (CONT'D)I'm going to need you to drive -- oops, I mean walk -- down to the biblioteca and grab two books. And treat yourself and snag Judy Garland Live at the London Palladium. Her performance is what you'd call "fierce" bordering on "fe-roche."

INT. HOSPITAL / VARIOUS25 25

BEGIN MONTAGE

As Jim Croce's "I Got a Name" plays, numerous interns do their best to do something unique and get a moniker.

"Like the pine trees lining the rambling road, I got a name, I got a name.

1. Kutner is at the lab prepping blood tests. He juggles a few empty Erlenmeyer flasks, then for a topper balances one on his nose like a circus seal. House doesn't even look up--until the flask falls to the floor with a CRASH.

Like the singing bird and the croaking toad, I got a name, I got a name.

2. An intern hovers over biopsy samples while conspicuously wearing a Michigan U hat. And sweatshirt. And pants. He really likes the Wolverines, and would love to be called that. House is all like, whatevs, and snatches the samples.

And I'll carry it with me like my daddy did, I'm living my dream..."


3. House paces to the lab with fellows in tow. One of them over-eagerly opens doors for House like a high school boy on a first date. Finally, House smiles and obliges.

HOUSEThanks, Pointman.

"Pointman" is psyched he scored a nickname, and not even a bad one.

END MONTAGE

INT. CAFETERIA - NIGHT26 26

Wilson sits at a table playing Sudoku, with a scrumptious dinner before him. House slides in across the table.

HOUSE(annoyed)

Her biopsies came back fine. The liver actually has regenerating tissue that had been healing.

Wilson nods, that is odd. While he's lost in his puzzle, House reaches over and cherrypicks Wilson's just-begun meal.

HOUSE (CONT'D)(between bites)

I may have the one alkie in the world who actually tells the truth. Non ABC hep is out. But if we treat her for amanitin poisoning and it's not...

KA-PUT, House SNAPS a carrot-stick in half. Wilson half-pays attention as House finishes the veggies from the dish.

HOUSE (CONT'D)Addicts can be so damn complicated.

Without irony, House pops a a Vicodin, chased with an olive.

HOUSE (CONT'D)I do so enjoy these little chats, Wilson.

(re: food)This was pretty darn good. Next time bring enough for yourself.

WILSONThat was on the table when I sat down.

(then)Matter of fact, I think I saw it here yesterday.

House pushes the suddenly strange food away. Nasty.


INT. EMERGENCY ROOM -- AFTERNOON27 27

House footslogs in. Cameron looks troubled.

HOUSEPirate Pete's pharmaceutical tests came back negative, huh?

CAMERONYep. Now I don't know what to do, we need to release him tomorrow. He still has amnesia, so he's no help. I've had the hospital contact local Caribbean consulates to see about missing persons.

(off House)Given his accent and his sunburn, it's just a guess.

HOUSEInteresting approach, Grasshopper.

(off her hopeful face)But foolish. Like man who buy only one chopstick, or man who tell wife to--

CAMERON--Enough. Just tell me what you would do.

HOUSEMe, or you? I would go about my regular duties here. You would go get me a pizza. Extra large.

CAMERONYou're kidding?

HOUSEYou need my help, and my brain works best when I'm un-famished. Drive to Jersey City, the crust is phenomenal cause their water has the best chemicals in it.

CAMERONOh, sure. What place?

HOUSE Ask Pirate Pete. Take him with you. When you get back, Master will reveal all.


CAMERONWait, you honestly expect me to drive to Jersey City to get pizza?

HOUSE Well duh, they won't deliver out here, we're like forty-five minutes away.


CLOSE ON House's face, as contrite as we've ever seen him.

HOUSE-- And I never meant to disparage your integrity or your honesty. So I apologize for my harsh words.

House nods sincerely, having a heart to heart with Edward and Minnie. Minnie's in a wheelchair, looking worse.

HOUSE (CONT'D)Okay then, while we wait for the test results, why don't you take my cheery lady friend outside to enjoy a little sunshine?

MINNIE(sarcastically)

Doctor House, you are my sunshine.

Edward gently rolls Minnie out the door. #9 turns to House.

#9Wait, what test results?

HOUSEYou ran an illegal gambling room and you can't recognize a bluff?

House WHISTLES and an ARMY OF INTERNS rushes in.

HOUSE (CONT'D)I want this entire room searched! Purses, housecoats, old lady unmentionables. You find out if there's anything else besides mushrooms that kook might be ingesting. Clock's ticking, monkeys.

House, an angry jail warden, hobbles out.


INT. HOUSE'S INNER OFFICE -- AN HOUR LATER29 29

THWAP, a PIZZA BOX hits House's desk. Rather angrily.

House looks up from his computer to see an exhausted Cameron and an ever piratey Pirate Pete.

CAMERONOne large pie. Eat. Talk.

HOUSE(admires the box)

See, this is authentic Italian. You can tell by the cartoon chef's loopy little moustache.

(re: Pete)Was he any help?

CAMERONHe held the box in the car.

HOUSEI mean with the neighborhood. Was he familiar with it?

CAMERONNo.

PIRATE PETE(aargh)

I was right lost, mate.

HOUSESo amnesia or not, we can now safely assume he's never lived around here.

CAMERONI could've pulled up Google Maps for him and saved two hours in traffic.

HOUSEBut Google Maps don't feed Daddy his due --

House opens his pizza box... but there is only ONE SLICE left. He and Cameron look at Pirate Pete, who's obviously the guilty party.

PIRATE PETE And I was right starved.

HOUSENevermind. Sit down.


House pulls a VINTAGE COIN LIBRARY BOOK from his desk.

CAMERONPlease tell me this is not just for your personal amusement.

HOUSE As if. Yo, Crackbeard, tell us what you know about the coin on this page.

PIRATE PETEIsabella era Piece of Eight. Right rare, methinks. Fetch ya five thousand quid on the black market.

(re: the next page)Seventeenth century Portuguese doubloon, no gold, all filler. Bloody counterfeits, usually.

House gives Cameron a smug look.

HOUSEGet him down for that MRI. Focus specifically on recent trauma to the basal ganglia. And never question my assertions ever again.

Cameron nods subserviently. And that's when Pirate Pete SNEEZES all over House's precious piece of pizza. Off House, twice screwed by the bedraggled scalawag --

INT. HOUSE'S OUTER OFFICE - NIGHT30 30

House and a handful of interns discuss the case. #14 enters wearily and lays the "North American Field Guide to Fungi" and a handful of FRESH PICKED MUSHROOMS on House's desk.

HOUSE(impatiently to #14)

Well, what did you find out?

#14She has nothing but harmless button mushrooms in her garden.

(then)And white people don't ride the bus in New Jersey.

KUTNERWhat about a new strain of hepatitis from Africa? Not type A through G--


TAUBNobody's heard of a new strain--

KUTNERNobody heard of HIV 'til someone boinked a green monkey.

BROWNIEMaybe she's just psychosomatically ill, but symptoms subside when her boyfriend comes in. Placebo. The power of love?

HOUSEIs a bad Huey Lewis song. Next.

Hungrily, House bites a FRESH MUSHROOM. Ugh.

HOUSE (CONT'D)These are covered in dirt!

KUTNER(moving on)

We turned that room upside down. She's not hiding anything she could be taking.

HOUSE(looks at mushroom)

Mudpiles.

TAUBCould be an immuno-reaction. Lupus?

HOUSEMUDPILES!

BROWNIEYeah, we heard you, the mushrooms taste bad. Have a damn cookie.

HOUSENo, the mnemonic reminder, "M.U.D.P.I.L.E.S." Methanol, Uremia, Diabetic Ketoacidosis, Para-Aldehyde poisoning...

#14He just said there's nothing in her room, she's not suffering from toxic reactions.


HOUSE He didn't say that. He said she's not poisoning herself.

COLEWho then? The boyfriend? Who dotes on her? Not a chance.

HOUSEWe had her stabilized, we've carefully monitored everything she's ingested so it wouldn't aggravate her diabetes, blood pressure or liver. And yet she keeps inexplicably failing like clockwork -- not after mealtime like we thought. But right after visiting hours.

(checks watch, stands)Which just ended ten minutes ago.

As the fellows trail House out the door--

CUT TO BLACK.

END OF ACT THREE


ACT FOUR

FADE IN:

INT. HOUSE'S INNER OFFICE -- NIGHT31 31

House sits at his desk. When his PAGER goes off, he seems to expect it.

HOUSEShe crashed, right on time. Our poisoner is punctual, I'll give him that!

He gets up, walks through the door to--

INT. HOUSE'S OUTER OFFICE - CONTINUOUS32 32

House crosses, as various interns hurry in.

AMBERShe's worse than she's ever been. A lot worse.

HOUSE(off watch)

An hour after her beau left.(sings/jigs like Huey)

That's the pow-er of love!

AMBERCerebral oedema. And the swelling's not going down. I'd give her twelve hours at most.

KUTNERWe can't test for all those substances in time. We have one chance to treat her for the right toxin.

AMBERAnd she can't tell us anything, she's unresponsive.

HOUSELet's sedate her even further. I phoned her boyfriend and told him she's doing much better, which should surprise him. He'll come back to give her another dose to finish the job. Then we'll know what he's using.


TAUBWe need to relieve the pressure in her brain.

HOUSEI doubt she'd last through the operation.

TAUB-- But if we don't, that pressure will kill her by morning.

HOUSEGive me two hours to find an antidote. If I don't, then start the surgery.

House exits, man on a mission.

INT. MINNIE'S PATIENT ROOM -- LATER33 33

Edward enters carrying FLOWERS, approaches a sleeping Minnie.

EDWARDYour honeybee snuck in the garden to steal flowers for the queen--

The figure in bed turns. Surprise, it's HOUSE under the covers!

EDWARD (CONT'D)(jolted)

Doctor House?

House holds a blanket over his head like an old lady's veil.

HOUSEI know, I know. What big eyes I have. The better to see you with.

(squints)Ugh, you're homely.

EDWARDWhere's Minnie?

House struggles out of bed, walks to Edward. He grabs the flowers, sniffs them. Unimpressed, he TOSSES them.

HOUSE And what a big brain I have, too. But it still took me a while to figure out you were poisoning her.


EDWARDWhat are you talking about?! You said on the phone she was better.

HOUSEWell if I'd said, "She's dying, come show me what you're poisoning her with," would you have come?

EDWARD(concerned)

Is she alright?

HOUSERight now, for you, she's somewhere between an attempted manslaughter charge and a murder charge. If the first one sounds better, show me what you're using so I can save her.

A long beat. House wills the truth from Edward.

EDWARD(finally honest)

I don't have it.(off House)

I don't!

Edward empties his pockets. House pats him down, he's telling the truth.

HOUSEWhy didn't you bring it? I told you on the phone she was better, didn't you want to give her more?

EDWARDWhat? I'm not trying to hurt her. I just...

(tough, re: his face)I just didn't want her to see what happened to me in the trailer fire.

HOUSESo you blinded her? With what?

EDWARDI don't know. After our accident in Kenya she was out for days. I didn't want her to wake up and see my face. A nurse gave me a bottle.

HOUSEOf?


EDWARDI don't know. He said a few dropfuls a day, to cloud her vision. It worked fine. But I've been giving it to her for two months, why would it make her sick now?

HOUSEIf you don't get me that bottle, Minnie won't make it 'til sunrise.

(then)And my next call is to the police.

Is Edward's panic concern for Minnie or for his own hide?

HOUSE (CONT'D)Do you understand I can't guess at dozens of neurotoxins? I need that bottle.

EDWARDIt's not here.

HOUSEWhat does it taste or smell like?

EDWARDI don't know.

HOUSEIs it getting through that burned up skull of yours that she will die if I don't get the poison?

EDWARDI'll get it, just wait --

Edward rushes out the door.

INT. CLINIC FLOOR -- A WHILE LATER34 34

House smugly awaits Cameron's approach.

CAMERONMRI showed John Doe had recent trauma to the basal ganglia.

HOUSE-- Prompting a rare condition called "Foreign Accent Syndrome", happens after brain trauma. Train wrecks, bullets.


(MORE)

A girl in Norway got it during World War Two when a piece of shrapnel lodged in her cortex.

CAMERONDoes it go away?

HOUSEIt didn't for her. For the rest of her life she spoke with the accent of the Nazi occupiers. She wasn't popular with her peers.

CAMERONSo he's not crazy, he's injured. I still don't know where to send him.

HOUSEOh how you misunderestimate me.

House tosses a manila envelope on the table. She reaches to open it, but House isn't done with this tee'd up moment.

HOUSE (CONT'D)I assumed from his unseasonal sunburn and hayfever he might be from the Southwest. Sent a couple hundred faxes and descriptions to police precincts down there.

CAMERONYou've been busy.

HOUSEMy interns have been busy, I've been playing Tetris. Anyway, we got three callbacks from Beverly Hills P.D. and one from San Diego.

CHASEWell, at least that's some leads.

HOUSEThe Beverly Hills Police just wanted to hear a guy talk like a pirate.

Now he rips open the folder, revealing a MUG SHOT of Pirate Pete (not his real name, BTW) and his RAP SHEET.

HOUSE(CONT'D)But the San Diego Police I.D.'d him.

CAMERON(reads)

"Pierre Fuselier." From France.


HOUSE (CONT'D)

(MORE)

Smuggler of stolen antiquities and illegally salvaged treasure.

HOUSEThose coins he knew about were rare and borderline criminal to own. I guess he came out here to fence some loot, got jumped, and somebody brained him. BAM, suddenly a Frenchman becomes a pirate.

(explains)Little different accent, little less bathing.

CAMERONSo what do we do with him?

HOUSE(sings, one-eyed)

Shave his belly with a rusty razor/ Put him in the scuppers with a hosepipe on him!

(off her look)Dammit, no. That's "what shall we do with a drunken sailor."

(thinks)Gimme your phone, I'll call the cops. They'll put him in the brig or the hold or wherever it is you keep fake pirates 'til they extradite 'em.

(then)Admit it, you're impressed.

House dials on her phone.

CAMERONOr annoyed.

HOUSEYou ain't seen the half of it.

(into phone)Yes, I'm going to need two squad cars at Princeton Medical Center. I have a felonious vagrant for pickup.

(pointedly to Cameron)And a man who poisoned his girlfriend. Thanks, bye.

Cameron absorbs this. House is oddly delighted.

HOUSE (CONT'D)(off his watch)

It's been two hours, Pepperoni-head jumped town.


CAMERON (CONT'D)

(MORE)

He'd rather save his own ass than save his better half. Love ain't all it's cracked up to be, is it?

CAMERONYou're happy?

HOUSE No, I'm just right. First I thought he wanted her money, but she's got no estate. You know why he was risking the life of the woman he "loved"? Something just as selfish: his own damn vanity. Didn't want her to see his messed up face. You'd think soulmates would overlook such things, huh?

(then)Proving life is still a game best played solo.

CAMERONFor some.

A NURSE enters.

NURSEDoctor House, we've been looking all over for you. I have an urgent message from an Edward Crawford. He said --

(reads)"It tastes like nothing. But it burns going down. I'm on my way in." He said you'd know what that means.

CAMERON What does that mean?

HOUSEIt means he's an idiot. He drank the neurotoxin himself to taste it.

CAMERONBecause maybe he could help save his girlfriend? So chivalry isn't dead...

HOUSEBut that moron will be if we don't find him.

House hobble-hurries out, ignoring Cameron's small smile of vindication.


HOUSE (CONT'D)

INT. HALLWAY -- A FEW MINUTES LATER35 35

House has #14 and Amber following him, quickly.

HOUSEWhere does he live?

Amber's on her cellphone.

AMBER(into phone)

Dispatcher is crosschecking addresses of all Edward Crawford's within thirty miles of here.

They move along, into--

EXT. PARKING GARAGE - MOMENTS LATER36 36

As they rush to Amber's car--

AMBERLook.

There's a body next to a parked car. It's Edward. He's unconscious, his breathing labored.

HOUSE-- Does he have a bottle on him?

(as Amber frisks him)Fourteen, check his car.

#14 finds nothing. But Amber notices on the other side of the car... a BOTTLE. BROKEN, unfortunately, from the fall.

HOUSE (CONT'D)Is there anything left?

Amber holds up the shattered, dry pieces. Nope.

AMBER Whatever it was all evaporated.

That's all House needed to hear.

HOUSEEvaporates. "Burned going down." Pump his stomach and get him on Fomezipole.

AMBER(into phone)

I'll need paramedics out in the parking tower, second floor.


#14But Fomezipole's for methanol. If he said it didn't taste like anything, it couldn't be that. Methanol would make him gag at the taste.

HOUSEIn America. Where they spend the extra penny to add pyridine to denature it. Not in the Third World where he got it.

(then, to Amber)Call down and cancel Minnie's brain surgery.

Off House, limping with a purpose back into the hospital.

HOUSE (CONT'D)And meet me in the O.R. I need you to go by my office, get the bottle from my private drawer. It's locked, you'll need a key.

(searches pockets)Crap, where's my key?

AMBERIt's okay, I have a copy.

As House contemplates this cheating, lying soon-to-be semi-finalist--

INT. OPERATING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER37 37

Minnie is prepped on the operating table. House bursts in.

Taub, the surgeon, is busy trying to save her.

HOUSEHow's the Fomezipole working? Get it in each arm and leg, her heart won't pump it to the extremities quickly enough.

KUTNERWe're giving it to her by IV, but a lot of her veins are scarred up.

House sees Amber, holds his hand out. She gives him a LIQUOR BOTTLE. He holds his other hand out. Reluctantly, she gives him his KEYS back.

House pours whiskey shots into some PILL CONTAINERS.


HOUSE Get her awake, give her adrenaline.

TAUBAre you kidding?

HOUSEDo I look like the type of loser who drinks alone?

Taub SHOOTS Minnie with pick-me-ups. Her eyes open.

HOUSE (CONT'D)Hey sleepyhead, we figured out what's wrong with you. Wanna celebrate that you're not gonna die?

MINNIEWhat?

HOUSENo time to talk. The good news is: you get to have a drink.

House downs a shot and hands her one. Minnie pushes it away.

MINNIE(weakly)

I told you, I don't drink.

HOUSEAs your doctor I'm ordering you to relapse.

KUTNER(understands)

Okay, Fomezipole should take care of what's in her bloodstream, the booze'll get what's in her stomach and liver.

HOUSECome on, a few shots, then you can hop right back on the wagon. We don't have much time.

(desperate)Look, I believe you, okay? You stopped drinking.

(earnest)I'm being honest with you. Like you said.

Slowly, she downs the shot. House pours another. And another.


HOUSE (CONT'D)(to the staff)

Amazing that something as toxic as methanol won't actually hurt you -- until your body breaks it down into formaldehyde and formic acid. But the thing is if you just stay drunk, your bodily enzymes will focus on the booze instead and the methanol will just slowly dissipate away.

(pours some more)Hoo-ray for science.

He cranks back another shot, then drunkenly turns to Minnie.

HOUSE (CONT'D)So the bad news is your boyfriend was accidentally poisoning you. But the good news is he actually came back to save you.

(then)I really thought he was, like, splitsville, man.

MINNIEEdward loves me, he'd never leave me. You ass!

Wow, somebody stood up to House. The whole room hushes.

HOUSEYou're a mean drunk, you know that?

INT. HOUSE'S OUTER OFFICE -- EVENING38 38

House addresses the exhausted interns.

HOUSEGood work today, everyone. You can all go home.

LOTTO(stepping up)

Anything else, boss?

HOUSEYes. You don't need to come back tomorrow, Lotto. You're fired.

LOTTOMe?!

#14You're firing lucky Lotto?


HOUSE(huh?!)

It wasn't a badge of honor. I just called him that because only impatient twits play the Lotto to get ahead. Or bust into my office wanting their next assignment early. Make sense now?

(it does)Hit the bricks.

BROWNIEBut you knew him by name, he was one of your favorites.

HOUSEWrong. Oh, you're fired, too.

This of course does not stop House from grabbing the final plate of baked goods from Brownie.

BROWNIEBut I cooked snacks! You called me --

HOUSE-- Brownie. Brown noser. I don't like kiss-ups. I like deceivers, like...

(re: Amber)What's-her-face over there.

Brownie exits, crushed. Amber is suddenly psyched to simply be a "what's-her-face".

KUTNERSo... not knowing us by name isn't necessarily a bad thing?

HOUSECorrect, Number Six.

It's uncomfortable. There's one more nickname shoe left to fall.

POINTMANWhat about... me? "Number twenty-fi--"

HOUSE(nice try)

No. Pointman. You're fired too.

POINTMANWhy?


HOUSEBecause you bother me. Like you're doing now. If this were an army, I'd make you my pointman and put you out in front as sniper bait. Does that explanation work?

Pointman nods; how can you argue with someone who would like to see you get shot?

HOUSE (CONT'D)So if everyone else is alright just being an anonymous digit for a while, I'd like some time alone, okay?

#39Ooh-rah, sir.

The voice belongs to a #39, a peppy CHESTY MILITARY TYPE.

#39 (CONT'D)Permission to speak.

(off House)In the Marine Corps we were just numbers as well. I wore mine proudly, excelled and never looked for undue attention or praise, sir. Anonymous excellence is my goal here and I will be the best Number Thirty-Nine I can be for you, sir!

#39 should know you can't asskiss the least affectionate man on earth.

HOUSEThat's great to hear. "Frag."

#39, now christened "Frag", blanches. Oh, crap.

House gives Frag and the rest of the interns a looming glare, then disappears into his inner sanctum.

INT. HOUSE'S INNER OFFICE -- MOMENTS LATER39 39

House comes in, ready to relax and enjoy dessert. Only problem is somebody's already here. It's Cuddy and the two kids from the arcade, boisterously playing Frogger.

HOUSEWhat the hell?

TEEN #1(barely looks up from game)

It's that old liar dude from the arcade.


CUDDYYou promised these boys a roll of quarters. By my count that's eighty games you owe them.

TEEN #2We just got started, liar dude.

HOUSESo I'm just supposed to stand here and wait two hours while these street urchins trash my office?

(yells at kid)Watch it, that's an eight hundred dollar chair!

CUDDYNo, you're supposed to leave for... eighty games, times five minutes each... you can do the junior high school math.

HOUSEI'll get security. This is probably harassment of some kind. Or I could sue.

CUDDYYes, go tell a judge about how you went trolling for teenagers in an arcade and the deal went sour.

(as House considers the scenario)

You're such a better doctor than a lawyer.

House knows when he's been beaten. He turns to exit and fight another day--

CUDDY (CONT'D)Wait. I said you leave. Cupcakes stay.

And zoinks, Cuddy snags the treats and pushes out poor hungry, humiliated House.


INT. WILSON'S OFFICE - LATER40 40

House and Wilson sit across from each other, CHEWING PENS and staring intently at their notepads.

HOUSE(nonchalant)

Given the way your love life turned out -- three times, no less -- you wouldn't do things the same, would you?

WILSONTrying to distract me so you'll finish your crossword first?

HOUSENah, just... a guy loses half his things -- three times.

(does the math; amazed)Wow, you only have one-eighth the stuff you started with!

WILSONAre you done with your puzzle?

HOUSE(stops pressing)

As done as I'll be. How many words did you fill in on yours?

WILSON None. I'm fairly certain this isn't a crossword puzzle the New York Times published. Theirs tend to be solvable, and don't force you to arrange ten non-vowels in a row.

HOUSEThey do take the easy way out, huh?

(a beat)I couldn't finish the one you gave me, either.

House reveals his crossword puzzle. The top row says something like "FRGLMQQXTYX." They both grin, knowing they're mutual cheaters.

WILSONYou made yours up too.

(points)The banner at the top is crooked.


HOUSE I heal the sick, I don't have time to make my fake crosswords flawless.

(a smile)I like what you did with yours. The "February thirty-first" date was a nice touch.

(notices)And Doonesbury's giving me the finger. Cute.

WILSONI had to give you a hint. I didn't want you blowing a gasket in that temperamental brain of yours.

Wilson gets up to leave. A beat. He turns.

WILSON (CONT'D)I'd do it all the same, all over again. Despite the hassle and the heartbreak, for those moments where you connect with another person, on that level -- it's all worthwhile.

Wilson raises his eyebrows, there you have it. He exits.

HOUSEIdiot. He's gonna lose half of his one-eighth.

INT. HOSPITAL PATIENT ROOM - THE NEXT DAY41 41

CLOSE ON EDWARD, hooked up to an I.V. Doing better. But apparently temporarily blind.

HOUSE (O.S.)If you ever sample toxins again, it's okay to take just a tiny taste.

EDWARDI wanted to help you find out what it was, as soon as I could.

HOUSEThat's sorta noble. But mostly stupid.

EDWARDIs Minnie still alright?

HOUSEShe'll be okay. Your eyesight should come back in a couple days. Maybe hers too. We'll see.


A silent moment.

HOUSE (CONT'D)You know why she got sick? She stopped drinking booze, so the methanol started getting fully metabolized. She said you inspired her to quit. I guess you didn't know.

EDWARDI knew she secretly drank. But I also knew she'd eventually quit. I just had faith we'd overcome it. Together.

HOUSEBut not enough faith to show her your face from the accident? Afraid that she might not love you?

Edward scoffs.

EDWARDYou think I did it because of vanity? I don't care how I look. For someone who knows all about patients you don't know much about people.

HOUSEThe people are the inconvenient part of my job. But veterinarians make squat. So I'm stuck with humanity.

EDWARDI tried to keep how bad I looked a secret to protect her, so she'd never feel guilty about how I was burned. She parked the camper, and that night the damn thing rolled down the ravine and caught fire on me. Hell, it could've been a faulty brake, a tremor, a million causes. Probably wasn't even her fault.

(then)But with what she's been through in her life, did she really need to look at my burned face every day and blame herself for this too? She deserves to live the rest of her days with nothing but happiness.


HOUSE So your plan was to keep her blind for the rest of her life?

EDWARDNo. I don't know. There are surgeries. Grafts. Things that could have made it look better over time.

HOUSEThose grafts are excruciating. And you don't care how you look.

EDWARDBut I care how she feels. When she looks at me.

HOUSE Wow. That's a strange logic.

EDWARDNot if you've ever been in love, it's not. Don't you understand?

The question hangs there in the room. Edward gazes, still blind, earnest. But this heart-to-House moment is done.

HOUSETo each his own. But someone told me once that people who actually believe in that crap don't need to hide the truth from each other. Their love can overcome anything. If that's what you believe.

EDWARDThat's what I hope.

HOUSEIf they're soulmates, maybe they already know each other's secrets.

House exits the room. As he does, we WIDEN TO REVEAL:

MINNIE, conscious but silent in the next hospital bed. She's just heard the entire conversation. Off the two blind lovers, unaware of their companionship, contemplating things they may have never told each other.

And House, glancing back one last time and wondering if he'll ever understand human beings beyond their mere biology, we--

FADE TO BLACK.

END OF SHOW


House 4th Rev draft by Jason Gavin Mar 23 2008 Script · MINNIE You're cute when you're crusty....

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Transcript of House 4th Rev draft by Jason Gavin Mar 23 2008 Script · MINNIE You're cute when you're crusty....