Healing Words An anthology of survivors’ work

By the women and young adults affected by domestic

abuse in East Surrey

Contents

i. Introduction

ii. Foreword by Peter Milton, Head of Cultural Services, Surrey County Council

iii. Foreword by an East Surrey Domestic Abuse Services Outreach Worker

1. Broken bird

2. Moving on

3. How domestic abuse has changed my life

4. Where has she gone?/ Free / Are you okay?

5. I am

6. I had a dream

7. Warning

8. Please stop it!

9. The disease that is you

10. Stalker

11. Talking to love

12. Untitled

13. Tears

15. Barbed wire

16. In Recovery – talking to memories

17. Photographs of the art work and exhibition

i

Introduction In Autumn 2012, Surrey County Council Libraries began working on a project with East Surrey

Domestic Abuse Services and Reigate and Banstead Women’s Aid to increase awareness of

domestic abuse.

The poet Wendy French facilitated two poetry writing sessions with survivors of domestic abuse to

help healing through creativity: first with a group of women and then with young people. This

work, along with a poem by Wendy and other pieces of art and prose, was exhibited in Redhill

Library during Domestic Abuse Awareness Week, October 2012.

Thank you to Wendy French, East Surrey Domestic Abuse Services, Reigate and Banstead Women’s Aid and all who contributed to the project.

REIGATE AND BANSTEAD WOMEN’S AID Freedom from abuse

ii

Libraries have a unique place within society; they are free, safe and welcoming to all. Surrey

County Council Libraries are there to support all parts of the community.

For anyone who has survived or is still experiencing domestic abuse, it is vital to have access to

free, safe and untraceable information which can prove to be life-saving. Libraries are part of the

answer to that need. By providing specialist books and free computer use we can help individuals

reach that essential, immediate local help and ongoing support. By promoting these services and

sharing personal experiences we can raise awareness within our Surrey community of these often

hidden issues.

We are very proud of our continuing partnership with East Surrey Domestic Abuse Services and

Reigate & Banstead Women’s Aid. This ground-breaking book and its contents are a direct and

extremely positive result of that work. We will continue to look for equally unique opportunities

for survivors to express themselves creatively and to promote awareness of domestic abuse in all

its forms.

Peter Milton, Head of Cultural Services, Surrey County Council

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Despite recent awareness raising domestic abuse is still considered to be a hidden crime. We often hear people say that Surrey is too nice an area for domestic abuse to happen – as if it only happens in certain areas, to certain people – but anyone can be affected by domestic abuse. In the last year our service in East Surrey received around 1700 new cases, not taking into account repeat victimisation and referrals to the local refuge service. Unfortunately for a lot of our clients speaking out about domestic abuse can lead to victimisation in other ways – not being believed by friends or families, threats of further abuse or having to start a new life away from people they and their children know and love. This book is an opportunity for those clients to have a voice, to creatively explain their journeys and celebrate their survival. It is invaluable because it validates their experiences and lets other know that they too can survive and move forward with their lives. It brings it into the open and stops it being hidden so we can’t keep ignoring it. We hope that you enjoy the work in this book and recognise the courage behind the creations.

-Outreach worker, East Surrey Domestic Abuse Services

1

I see your broken Your smile has gone Your wings are tied Your voice not heard You once was happy Now there is no joy Your heart has melted Your hopes destroyed I give you hope I give you space A simple cuddle A place that's safe And soon I see Your tears are less You start to dream You stretch your wings And now your free To love once more The sun is shining There is no pain You move to brighter A happier place And leave behind The bruised swollen face A refuge seemed So dull so sad But it gave you chance A life you planned I wish for you Great joy, Good life I’ve done my job Now fly again!

Janet- Refuge Support Worker

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MOVING ON I sometimes sit and wonder why, What it was that made me try I hoped to make you get my drift And often found it in a rift. Because love songs often hit a chord, And all my thoughts were un toward. But then I realise why I'm here It's just so you will disappear. From all the pain and all the fear, That's why I had to move to here I sit alone in a strange abode And need to carry the entire load. I don't dislike, I don't object I know in truth it's for the best. My life is fuller since you went, I tried to please you even bent. I'm now so much more content And my life is no longer so hell bent. I moved my love To be my best And to be truthful Sod the rest My life my Mum My siblings too Are all I need To rid of you My baby girl is all I need To forget about the dirty deed. I thank you for my blessed child But as for you **** this is so mild.

Written by Emily – a survivor – Sept 2012

3

How Domestic Abuse has changed my life I felt empty. Just floating along. We had only been there a few days and yet there was not much life in the tiny cottage we'd been hiding in. There was no one around except our small family of four. We had the occasional visitor; family and close friends. We had to hide. We had to be far away from where we lived, where he lived, my Dad. He had a temper that came in large bangs. One moment he'd be fine, watching football or looking through his paper, then something would happen. He'd think he'd lost something and the anger built up in side of him would burst out. He would punch walls or scream at my older brother, but it wasn't my brother's fault. My dad never hit me or my sister. I used to think he was the best Dad in the world because I didn't realise what he was doing was so bad. Hitting the walls and that kind of thing was good, then at least he wasn't hurting anyone. What I didn't know was that he had and has continued to hurt people. Not just any people, but my Mum. This is why we had to hide. My mum and two other women my father had abused got up the courage to fight against him. My Mum and Dad had divorced when I was four so he had had a few girlfriends, some of which were abused by him. One stood up against him, along with my Mother and my brother's mum. So, we went away.....four hours away to be exact. There was a court case that went on for a long while. We lived so close to him that if we hadn't gone into hiding we'd have been constantly looking over our shoulders. We went to a tiny village with a few houses and a lovely pub, that's it. The case was won by my Mum and the two other women. My Dad has gone to prison for two years but that's not enough. We had to move from our old house that I'd lived in all my life because he knew where it was. Now we're staying in a beautiful new house with a large garden for our puppy. Mum thought we should get a guard dog to protect us but they were too expensive. Especially now my Dad doesn't give my Mum any money for us. I'm thirteen now, a teenager. Life is good at the moment, until my Dad gets out, then things will all change again.

By Daisy age 13

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WHERE HAS SHE GONE? Here it comes blow on blow Bruises that will not show A damaged body a broken heart A life just torn apart Where has she gone? That girl I once knew Happy and full of fun too So different before she met you Why did you do those things to me? I hope one day l will be free And find the girl I used to be

Free? So many long years A lifetime filled with tears I lost not only my life I lost myself too All because of you Now I am free But I still cannot forget what You did to me You thought I was your slave You used me and abused me Humiliated me made me feel small You did not care at all You are now gone And yes I am free But I still cannot forget What you did to me Are you OK? Are you OK? I smile and nod They cannot see The bruise last night you gave to me They cannot see the hurt inside They cannot see the tears I cried The fear you feel deep down inside You know there is no place to hide No-one can see the things he does to me Will it never end I can only say That one day You can smile and say Yes I really am OK

Anonymous

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I AM I am ALIVE It's my chance to SURVIVE. I am able to WALK No longer get STALKED. I am able to RUN Allowed to have FUN. I am able to be HAPPY No one to be SNAPPY. I am able to TALK, allowed to be HEARD No more SILENCE, it was just ABSURD. I am not CRYING through SADNESS anymore I don't feel like DYING I deserve so much MORE. I am no longer SAD He's gone now, he can't convince me l’m MAD. I am no longer AFRAID I found the strength to keep AWAY. Surely I deserve to SURVIVE I AM ALIVE!

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PLEASE STOP IT! Please stop it now I can't take anymore I've asked you to leave, walkout of the door. Why do you do this? I don't understand I bore four children by you, I took your hand. I've always done as I was told Yet all you wanted was my gold. Please leave the children alone now I don't want another row. Please STOP IT now before it's too late I don't want to remember this awful date.

Anonymous

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The Disease that is you You are under my skin spreading like cancer, Invading my core. You have broken my heart, overwhelmed my senses, claimed the essence of me. You have poisoned my mind, clouded my judgement, crushed my willpower. I have no immunity, I am defenceless you are engulfing me. You will not break my spirit, it is strong - stronger than you know You will not claim my soul, it is waiting - Waiting to emerge again You will not defeat me, I am preparing and gathering my strength When the time is right I will be rid of the disease that is you.

Anne

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Stalker It arrives unexpectedly from the North East settles in the East and swirls down to the South this grief which blows across the North Sea wild as the gulls whose cries are stifled by the muffled wind as the shout goes out for the life boat fishermen thrown at sea whose lines are tossed for the cod their tangled nets for the sole though I'm watching the life boat rooted here in the storm's passion there are things to be done as this grief gets caught between daylight and night clothes to be packed, a phone call to make fish to be bought, a bill to be paid and so grief I must leave you dandling not give you time to breathe or grow until the next time you rear up in the back mirror of the car, or supermarket aisle or on the number 3 to Crystal Palace.

Wendy French

11

Talking to Love

I wanted to love and be loved I yearned for love I met you and loved you I thought you loved me I moved countries for love, and you It took me years to discover I was wrong I kept on loving you I thought my love was enough I thought my love would fix us I could not love myself enough, And now I know you did not love yourself at all. And you could not love me at all You only loved the idea of me. I am learning to love myself enough I am sorry for your self-hatred I cannot fix you - and now I cannot love you.

By Sylvia July 2012

12

Untitled You were there when I needed you, nearly every day, anytime, day or night. I knew I just had to reach out to you and things would feel better. You got me through the toughest time of my life and gave me courage to tell him how he made me feel. When he didn't change, when he didn't come home night after night, when he lied so obviously, when he spoke like he hated me, I needed you more. You were my escape. You made me feel better........happier. You made me feel more in control and you had the ability to make me forget just how unhappy I felt. ..........but just recently everything has changed. I left him...................over a year ago now. I am SO much happier, just me and my baby boy, but you have been getting in the way. You want me to still depend on you but I don't want to anymore. You don't make me feel good about myself anymore. I feel more in control of my life when you're not around me and I can be a better person and a better mum without you. You bring me down, make me feel guilty and cloud my thinking. So............I have decided to cut you out of my life, for a while. To say goodbye. I'm certain that I will come back to you at some point but I won't depend on you like I have done before. It won't be the all or nothing that I have become accustomed to. Just every now and then. I'm sorry that it has come to this but I know it's for the best. Goodbye alcohol. I'll miss you............but not for long.

Kate

13

Tears

How could I have been so blind Oh! Why didn’t I see All the things that happened Was it really me? I married him for better or worst I made my vows for good I tried to make him happy but, I never could I took him to meet his lovers On that I was quite sure He told me what they did in bed Then raped me like he’d done before I should have had more babies He persuaded a doctor to take them away Something I know have to live with Each and everyday I never told a living soul The shame was too much to bear I said NO! and tried to stop him But he really didn’t care My days were filled with sadness The nights were filled with pain It didn’t really matter it would Only happen again He said I was fat and ugly Stupid, thick and old I had to be very careful And do what I was told I did everything he ever wanted Even said what I was told to say Nobody seemed to notice What I went through everyday People said we were the perfect couple Loving in everyway If only they’d realised it was me

14

Who was going to pay He controlled the way we lived our lives And told me what to spend This went on for years and years Right up until the end The end was his decision came right out Of the blue He had made all the arrangements He’d planned just what to do The bruises they healed quite quickly As quickly as they came But it’s really what’s in my head That causes me so much pain Left me with no money no job I struggle through the tears But the damage has been done And I will live with it for years I know I should have left him Not put up with it all these years He’s got his new family and, I am still the one in tears!

N

15

Barbed Wire I don’t need to keep throwing myself Onto barbed wire; That runs in to meshing coils Deep into the chaotic folds Of my unravelling core To re-open scarce healed wounds Again & again From so many times before Do I need to hurt so To feel the pulse of life? Is it necessary for me to tear at my flesh With mouthless metal teeth To know that wounding place Of my attrition? Is it feeling the raw red sticky-ooze Iron smelling & viscose to spread Like a livid rash creeping To consume the pallor of bone & sinue; Exciting Like the view of fresh fire Licking life for the that set it? Compulsion Fear Set the jangling myth of salvation In this moment of cleansing; As in silence I watch The beaded jags of chocking steel Set a hold once more of the atrophied threads Of my wary soul.

Siobhan

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In Recovery Talking to bad memories-

I am in control,

Most of the time! When I am ready I welcome you in. Even then, only one at a time. I lift the lid of the box, the strongest gets out first. Until pleasantly surprised, Nothing comes out…and I can leave the top of the box, forever. Even, put it in the recycling, Where it could be of some use!

K.S.

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The works in this ebook remain the copyright of the contributors and all respective parties indicated in the production of this work. © Surrey County Council (2012) All Rights Reserved