Total

H.E.A.L.I.N.G.Conversations

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To have the relationship you desire, you will

each need to communicate in a sensitive, loving

way. You may feel very far from being able to

do that right now, but we have come up with a

way of approaching your conversations, called

H.E.A.L.I.N.G. conversations, that will give you

a platform for creating some safety in your

discussions.

When we communicate with each other, we need to:

• Hear and Listen with

• Empathy

• Affirm what our partner is saying

• Let them into our inner emotional world

• Include your partner’s thoughts and

feeling too with

• No distractions

• Give your total mental presence to the

conversation at hand.

Let’s look at the H.E.A.L.I.N.G. conversation guide more closely.

H.E.A.L.I.N.G. Conversations

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HHEAR & LISTEN

It is not by chance that H.E.A.L.I.N.G. conversations start

with Hearing and Listening.

So often we want to do the talking, and control what you

and your partner discuss, but that can come off as criti-

cism. Effective communication that heals starts with an

eagerness to hear and listen.

To engage in H.E.A.L.I.N.G. conversations, tune into the

words and feelings that are present and being used. Hear

and feel the emotions that are communicated in your part-

ner’s eyes, face, and body language.

If your partner struggles to express what they are

feeling, give them space. Don’t try to be the interpreter

of their emotions. To be great communicators, we need

to realize that about 30% of individuals have no clue what

they are feeling in any given moment.

It’s these individuals that tend to be the Distancer in a rela-

tionship and they just need more time to think about their

emotions. Distancers often feel inadequate or deficient

when it comes to sharing emotions.

Let them know that when they’re open and vulnerable it’s

not a sign of weakness but of strength. Encourage them

to continue sharing by telling them you don’t see them as

lacking in some way but as truly strong.

As you hear and listen you’ll be tempted to jump in and interrupt, but resist that urge.

Listening without interruptions sends the message

that you respect your partner, and you are willing to

understand them better.

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EEMPATHY

You might think you already know what empathy is,

but few people truly understand empathy, and even

less actually practice it.

Sure, empathy is “putting yourself in someone else’s

shoes”, but it also involves understanding them enough

to see the logic of their decisions, even when they are

poor decisions.

Empathy doesn’t mean approval or agreement, but it

does require realizing that everybody makes decisions that

are perfectly logical to them. To be empathetic means to

understand this even when you may not agree with it.

Empathy is the best tool designed to give your partner

what they truly want...

Acceptance.

All humans long for acceptance, but without

practicing empathy we can’t show that we are

practicing acceptance.

Remember, acceptance isn’t approval or agreement. It’s allowing things to be exactly how they are in this moment. It means attempting to put aside, as much as possible, the judgments and presumptions that seem to creep into all relationships.

Maybe ask yourself, “What can I learn if I listen to you with

new ears? And what can I learn if I open my heart to you in

this moment?”.

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AAFFIRM WHAT OUR PARTNER IS SAYING

Before thinking about how to reply to your partner’s

message, slow down for long enough to affirm and

acknowledge what you have just heard them say.

So much of our communication challenges boil down to

one person thinking of what they are going to say, rather

than listening to what the other person is actually saying.

Don’t get defensive or fire off the first thing that comes to your mind.

Acknowledge that what your partner has just said is a very

reasonable human experience for him or her. When you

affirm your partner, you are demonstrating respect and

equality for his or her view of reality even though it may

be different from yours.

If you just don’t get what your partner is saying, be honest,

but in a supportive way.

Try saying something like this for example, “I’d like to

understand what you are saying, but it is pretty confusing

for me right now.”

If you think you understand what your partner has said,

but you really don’t agree with it, be honest but in an

affirming way.

An example of this might look like, “I am struggling to see

eye to eye with you on this, but I do understand that you’re

explaining how you see this issue. I appreciate you sharing

that with me, but it might take me a little bit to wrap my

mind around it.”

If you feel emotionally impacted about what your partner

says, you can share how you feel by his or her disclosure.

For example, “When you tell me how you feel, it makes

me sad knowing you have experienced all of those things

because of me.”

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LLET THEM INTO OUR INNER EMOTIONAL WORLD

Satisfying relationships typically involve vulnerable

conversations about feelings, hopes, dreams and

disappointments. When one partner is willing to disclose

something about his or her “inner” life, and the other

partner is willing to hear and really listen, and affirm what

is shared, the emotional bond between these two people

is strengthened.

Confiding emotionally to our partner is important.

It signals to the other person, “I trust you enough to tell

you this personal information. You matter enough for me

to let you in.”

Sometimes, it can be scary to disclose this inner world.

Indeed, in violent or disrespectful relationships, it is often

not wise to do so.

Confiding emotionally works best when the confiding

partner has received some warm supportive signals that

the other is interested, open, and responsive.

Before disclosing, you may decide that you need to “gage

the temperature” first.

For example, with a question like, “Would you be willing to

hear my thoughts since that last fight we had?” Or, “I want

to talk to you about my concerns. When would be a good

time to talk?”

Just as you don’t always have to agree with what your

partner says, you can’t always demand that your partner

be ready to listen immediately.

If you’ve got to take care of your kids or have a demanding

work schedule it is definitely helpful to negotiate a time to

talk that is mutually suitable for conversation.

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Choosing the right time to talk to each other about

challenges in your relationship is a very important part

of the repair process.

When disclosing to your partner, it helps if you speak in a

way that does not totally demoralize or destroy your part-

ner’s sense of worth and importance to you. Aim wherever

possible, to use a soft tone, rather than a harsh voice.

Avoid swearing, name-calling, or trading insults.

These negative communication styles usually end up

building barriers rather than breaking them down.

Choose simple words.

Stay close to the essence of what you are feeling and

wanting to convey.

Try not to bamboozle your partner with abstract ideas

or an analysis of their character.

Slow down the pace.

Express yourself more clearly and help your partner grasp

the important ideas you want to convey.

Speaking softly, simply, slowly gives your partner a chance

to listen non-defensively. If you have trouble speaking soft-

ly, simply, slowly, it may mean that you are feeling stirred

up with strong emotion. Pause. Take a few deep breaths,

and remember to talk about your feelings not your part-

ner’s faults.

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IINCLUDE YOUR PARTNER’S THOUGHTS & FEELINGS ALONG WITH YOUR OWN

As you hear your partner share their inner emotional

world, begin to really consider what they are saying. Don’t

just brush it off, because if you do, you’ll discourage them

from wanting to share.

Most people have never had any-body there for them emotionally to confide in, so honor your partner’s feelings by really considering what they are saying.

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NNO DISTRACTIONS

Turn your phone off, turn the noti-fications off on your computer and really focus on each other.

If the kids are a part of the distractions schedule day

dates or half days off to just focus on you two.

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GGIVE YOUR TOTAL PRESENCE TO YOUR PARTNER

Focus on your partner because they are about to let you into their inner emotional world and that maybe really scary for them.

Your attentive presence can be a source of comfort for

them, so give them your attention.

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Sometimes we get our eye off of the prize, so to

help us stay motivated and resolute in our decision

to work on our relationship, we need to be clear on

exactly WHY we are doing that.

All of life is about moving away from pain towards

pleasure. So in this exercise, focus on both pain and

pleasure to help get through the hard times.

Get familiar and get to know all of your WHYs. This

exercise is about your personal reasons WHY. Not

your partner’s reasons, not your parent’s reasons,

not society’s reasons… YOUR REASONS.

This exercise is designed to change your area of

focus. So often we’re focused on the wrong kind

of pain, which ends up causing us to not really give

these challenges our full effort.

Pre-Work:

Why Are You Doing This?

We need to make a shift in our focus.

This exercise isn’t designed to create friction, its purpose is

to help us create MASSIVE FOCUS so we can create MAS-

SIVE ACTION on resolving the issues in our relationship.

Without your why, you’ll have nothing to come back to when times get tough.

Take a few moments to think about this before diving into

the exercise.

Seeking Clarity… But, Why?

The following questions will help you get clear on your why. Write a paragraph on your thoughts after reading these questions:

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What kind of pain would you experience if you weren’t able to heal this relationship?

What would you miss out on? What would you lose?

What’s the impact relationally, mentally, spiritually, and financially?

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What are the benefits you’ll gain by taking action to heal yourself and your relationship?

How will you enhance your life?

How will it create greater joy, happiness, success, freedom or pride?

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Write down all you will gain by healing and achieving true happiness with each other.

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Keep your answers top of mind. Print out this sheet and use it to remind yourself of why

you’re doing what you’re doing for this relationship.

Now watch this video

Now take your findings and watch this video on how to being implementing