Coping with Suicide Loss

Handling the Holidays 1. Do what you think will be comfortable for you. Remember, you can always choose to do things differently

next time. Think about your family's holiday traditions. Consider whether you want to continue them or create

some new ones. Remember that family members may feel differently about continuing to do things the way they've

been done in the past. Try to talk openly with each other about your expectations. Consider whether you want to be with your family and friends for the holiday, or whether it would be

more healing for you to be by yourself or go away (this year). Keep in mind that sometimes the anticipation of an event can be more difficult than the event itself. If you find it comforting to talk about your loved one, let your family and friends know that; tell

them not to be afraid to mention your loved one's name. Some survivors find it comforting to acknowledge the birthday of their loved ones by gathering with

his/her friends and family; others prefer to spend it privately. Some survivors have found the following ritual helpful for a variety of occasions: Light two

candles, and then blow one out. Explain that the extinguished candle represents those we've lost, while the one that continues to burn represents those of us who go on despite our loss and pain. Simply leave the one candle burning (you can put it off to one side) for the duration of the holiday meal or event. The glowing flame acts as a quiet reminder of those who are missing.

Above all, bear in mind that there is no "right" way to handle holidays, anniversaries, or birthdays. You and your family may decide to try several different approaches before finding one that feels best for you.

Excerpted from Surviving Suicide Loss: A Resource and Healing Guide.

AFTER SUICIDE: RESOURCES FOR SURVIVORS

Below is a list of titles available from New Hampshire Libraries. List prepared by Family Resource Connection (FRC) of the NH State Library. For more information, or if you wish to borrow* any of these materials – Call FRC (NH only) at 1-800-298-4321 or Email: FRC@library.state.nh.us.

“We’re HERE to HELP”

Adolescent suicide: a school-based approach to assessment & intervention. Kirk, William G. Champaign, Ill.: Research Press, c1993.

Adolescent suicide: assessment and intervention. Berman, Alan L. (Alan Lee). Washington, D.C.: 2nd

edition, American Psychological Association, c2006.

After a suicide: young people speak up. Kuklin, Susan. New York: G.P. Putnam's Sons, c1994.

After suicide: living with the questions. Kuehn, Eileen. Mankato, Minn.: Life Matters, c2001.

After suicide loss: coping with your grief. Baugher, Bob. Newcastle, Wash.: R. Baugher, c2002.

After suicide: a ray of hope for those left behind. Ross, E. Betsy. Reading, Mass.: Perseus, [2001], c1997.

After the death of Anna Gonzales. Fields, Terri. New York: Henry Holt, c2002.

Aftershock: help, hope, and healing in the wake of suicide. Cox, David (David W.). Nashville: Broadman & Holman, c2003.

Andy, why did you have to go?: A mother's intimate reflections on the life and suicide of a son. Gatson, Joyce. Prescott, Ariz.: Ralph Tanner Associates, c2000.

Autopsy of a suicidal mind. Shneidman, Edwin S. New York: Oxford University Press, c2004.

Best practices in school crisis prevention and intervention. Brock, Stephen E. Bethesda, Md.: NASP Publications, c2002.

Breaking the silence: a guide to help children with complicated grief – suicide, homicide, AIDS, violence, and abuse. Goldman, Linda. Washington, D.C.: Accelerated Development, c1996.

Breaking the thread of life: on rational suicide. Barry, Robert Laurence. New Brunswick: Transaction Publishers, c1994.

But I didn't say goodbye: for parents and professionals helping child suicide survivors. Rubel, Barbara. Kendall Park, N.J.: Griefwork Center, c1999.

But what if she wants to die: A husband's diary. Delury, George E. New York: Carol Pub.

Group, c1997. By her own hand: memoirs of a suicide's daughter. Hammer, Signe. New York, NY: Soho Press: Distributed by

Farrar, Straus and Girous, c1991.

Choosing to live: how to defeat suicide through cognitive therapy. Ellis, Thomas E. Oakland, Calif.: New Harbinger Publications, c1996.

Comprehensive textbook of suicidology. Maris, Ronald W. New York: Guilford Press, c2000.

Cognitive therapy of suicidal behavior: manual for treatment. Freeman, Arthur M. New York: Springer Pub. Co., c1993.

Coping with teen suicide. Murphy, James M., M.D. New York: Rosen Pub. Group, c1999.

Coping with the death of a brother or sister. Ruiz, Ruth Ann. New York: Rosen, c2001.

A cry for help: how to help a friend who is depressed or suicidal. Eastgard, Sue. Brewster, Mass.: Distributed by Paraclete Press, c2001.

Cry of pain: understanding suicide and self-harm. Williams, J. Mark G. London: Penguin Books, c1997.

Dying to be free: a healing guide for families after a suicide. Cobain, Bev. Center City, Minn.: Hazelden, c2006.

An empty chair: living in the wake of a sibling's suicide. Miller, Sara Swan. San Jose, Calif.: Writers Club Press, c2000.

The encyclopedia of suicide. Evans, Glen. New York: Facts On File, c2003.

Everything you need to know about teen suicide. Schleifer, Jay. New York: Rosen Pub. Group,c1999.

Grieving a suicide: a loved one's search for comfort, answers& hope. Hsu, Albert Y. Downers Grove, Ill.: Inter Varsity Press, c2002.

The Harvard Medical School guide to suicide assessment and intervention. Jacobs, Douglas. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, c1999.

Healing after the suicide of a loved one. Smolin, Ann. New York: Simon & Schuster, c1993.

How I stayed alive when my brain was trying to kill me: one person's guide to suicide prevention. Blauner, Susan Rose. New York: Quill, c2003.

“I'm glad to be alive ..” building solutions with a suicidal youth. Berg, Insoo Kim. Milwaukee: BFTC, c2004.

In the wake of suicide: stories of the people left behind. Alexander, Victoria (Victoria Goodman). San Francisco: Jossey-Bass Publishers, c1998.

Journey through the shadows hope for healing after someone you love has committed suicide [video recording]. Paraclete Video Productions. Orleans, MA: Paraclete Video Productions, c2000.

Living when a young friend commits suicide, or even starts talking about it. Grollman, Earl A. Boston: Beacon Press, c1999.

Living with grief after sudden loss: suicide, homicide, accident, heart attack, stroke. Doka, Kenneth J. Washington, D.C.: Hospice Foundation of America ; Bristol, Pa.: Taylor & Francis [distributor], c1996.

Making sense of suicide: an in-depth look at why people kill themselves. Lester, David. Philadelphia: Charles Press, c1997.

Managing sudden traumatic loss in the schools: New Jersey Adolescent Suicide Prevention Project (New Jersey

State Department of Education ... [et al.]). Underwood, Maureen M. (Maureen Mullin). Piscataway, N.J.: University of Medicine and Dentistry of New Jersey, University Behavioral HealthCare, c1997.

My son – my son –: a guide to healing after a suicide in the family. Bolton, Iris. Atlanta, GA: Bolton Press, c1983.

Night falls fast: understanding suicide. Jamison, Kay R. New York: Knopf: Distributed by Random House, c1999.

No time to say goodbye: surviving the suicide of a loved one. Fine, Carla. New York: Doubleday, c1997.

One in thirteen: the silent epidemic of teen suicide. Portner, Jessica, 1964. Beltsville, MD: Robins Lane Press, c2001.

One survivor's message, don't kill yourself [video recording]. Films for the Humanities (Firm). Princeton, N.J.: Films for the Humanities &Sciences, c1998.

Out of options: a cognitive model of adolescent suicide and risk-taking. Sofronoff, Kate. Cambridge, U.K. ; New York: Cambridge, c2005.

Out of the darkness: teens and suicide. Crook, Marion. Vancouver: Arsenal Pulp Press, c2003.

Prayers for Bobby: a mother's coming to terms with the suicide of her gay son. Aarons, Leroy. San Francisco: Harper San Francisco, c1995.

Preventing adolescent suicide Presented by the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, Devereux Children's Center, and ACE, America's Continuing Education Network. American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. Tallahassee, FL: Visionary Productions, c1997 Prevention of suicide: guidelines for the formulation and implementation of national strategies. United Nations. Dept. for Policy Coordination and Sustainable Development. New York: United Nations, c1996. Real people identifying depression; preventing suicide. Sunburst Communications (Firm). Pleasantville, N.Y.:

Sunburst Communications, c2004.

Reducing suicide: a national imperative. Goldsmith, Sara K. Washington, D.C.: National Academies Press, c2002.

Remembering Garrett: one family's battle with a child's depression. Smith, Gordon H. (Gordon Harold). New York: Carroll & Graf, c2006.

Review of suicidology: an official publication of the American Association of Suicidology. American Association of Suicidology. New York, NY: Guilford Press, c1997

Risk management with suicidal patients. Bongar, Bruce Michael. New York: Guilford Press, c1998.

“Saving lives – saving futures”: a youth suicide prevention project. New Hampshire Youth Suicide Prevention Advisory Assembly. [Concord, N.H.: The Assembly, 1996?]

Silent epidemic teen suicide. Magyar, John G. [S.I.]: Corbin-Garza International, Inc. ; distributed by PBS Video, c2001.

A slender thread. Ackerman, Diane. New York: Random House, c1997.

A special scar: the experiences of people bereaved by suicide. Wertheimer, Alison. Hove: Brunner-Routledge, c2001.

Straight talk about teenage suicide. Frankel, Bernard. New York: Facts on File, 1997, c1994.

Suicide. Haugen, David M. Farmington Hills, Mich.: Greenhaven Press/Thomson Gale, c2006.

Suicide. Miller, Leslie A. San Diego, CA: Greenhaven Press, c2000.

Suicide [video recording]. Yates, Eames. New York, NY: HBO Home Video, c2001.

Suicide and the elderly: a population at risk: hearing before the Special Committee on Aging, United States Senate, One Hundred Fourth Congress, second session, Washington, DC, July 30, 1996. United States.

Congress. Senate. Special Committee on Aging. Washington: U.S. G.P.O.: Supt. of Docs., Congressional Sales Office, c1996.

Suicide in inpatient settings. Walters, Thomas. [California]: California Dept. of Mental Health; Irvine, CA: c1997. Suicide information for teens: health tips about suicide causes and prevention: including facts about depression, risk

factors, getting help, survivor support, and more. Shannon, Joyce Brennfleck. Detroit: Omnigraphics, Inc., c2005.

Suicide prevention efforts to increase research and education in palliative care: report to congressional requesters. United States. General Accounting Office. Washington, D.C.: The Office ; Gaithersburg, MD

(Gaithersburg 208846015) :The Office [distributor, c1998]

Suicide: survivors: a guide for those left behind. Wrobleski, Adina. Minneapolis: Afterwords, c1991.

Suicide survivor's handbook: a guide to the bereaved and those who wish to help them. Carlson, Trudy. Duluth, Minn.: Benline Press, c1995.

Suicide: tragic choice. Zeinert, Karen. Berkeley Heights, NJ: Enslow Publishers, c1999.

SuicideWise: taking steps against teen suicide. Sperekas, Nicole B. Berkeley Heights, NJ: Enslow Publishers, c2000.

The Surgeon General's call to action to prevent suicide. United States. Public Health Service. Washington, DC: Dept. of Health and Human Services, U.S Public Health Service: [U.S. G.P.O., Supt. of Docs., distributor, c1999]

Survivors of suicide. Robinson, Rita. Franklin Lakes, NJ: New Page Books, c2001.

Teen suicide. Mitchell, Hayley R. San Diego, CA: Lucent Books, c2000.

Teen suicide. Peacock, Judith. Mankato, Minn.: LifeMatters, c2000.

Teen suicide. Wallerstein, Claire. Chicago: Heinemann Library, c2003.

Teenage suicide. Goldman, M. Nikki. New York: Benchmark Books, c1996.

Teenage suicide the silent threat [video recording]. Hanania, Allon. [New York]: A & E Home Video, 2002, c1999.

Teens and suicide. Marcovitz, Hal. Philadelphia: Mason Crest Publishers, c2004.

Touched by suicide: hope and healing after loss. Myers, Michael F. New York: Gotham Books, c2006.

Treating suicidal behavior: an effective, time-limited approach. Rudd, M. David. New York: Guilford Press, c2001.

Why people die by suicide. Joiner, Thomas E. Cambridge, Mass.: Harvard University Press, c2005.

Why suicide?: answers to 200 of the most frequently asked questions about suicide, attempted suicide, and assisted suicide. Marcus, Eric. San Francisco, Calif.: Harper San Francisco, c1996.

When living hurts: for teenagers, young adults, their parents, leaders, and counselors. Gordon, Sol. New York: URJ Press, c2004.

Working together against teen suicide. Axelrod, Toby. New York: Rosen Pub. Group, c1996.

9/17/07 Family Resource Connection/New Hampshire State Library

*Materials may be borrowed FREE of charge by NH residents. FRC mails items directly to individuals including a postage paid envelope for convenient returns. For further assistance, call FRC(NH) 1-800-298-4321 or Email FRC@library.state.nh.us.

You Are Not Alone

There are currently 30,000 suicides annually in the US. It is estimated that for every suicide there are 6 survivors. Based on this estimate, it has been suggested that there are now at least 4.5 million survivors.

Beyond Surviving: Suggestions for Survivors

by Iris M. Bolton

1 Know you can survive. You may not think so but you can. 2 Struggle with “why” it happened until you no longer need to know “why” or until you are satisfied with partial answers. 3 Know you may feel overwhelmed by the intensity of your feelings but all your feelings are normal. 4 Anger, guilt, confusion, forgetfulness are common responses. You are not crazy, you are in mourning. 5 Be aware you may feel appropriate anger at the person, the world, at God, at yourself. It is okay to express it. 6 You may feel guilty for what you think you did or did not do. Guilt can turn into regret, then to forgiveness. 7 Having suicidal thoughts is common. It does not mean that you will act on these thoughts. 8 Remember to take one moment or one day at a time. 9 Find a good listener with whom to share. Call someone if you need to talk. 10. Don’t be afraid to cry. Tears are healing. 11. Give yourself time to heal. 12. Remember, the choice was not yours. NO one is the sole influence in another’s life. 13. Expect setbacks. If emotions return like a tidal wave, you may only be

experiencing a remnant of grief, an unfinished piece. 14. Try to put off major decisions. 15. Give yourself permission to get professional help. 16. Be aware of the pain of your family and friends. 17. Be patient with yourself and others who may not understand. 18. Set your own limits and learn to say no. 19. Steer clear of people who want to tell you what or how to feel. 20. Know that there are support groups that can be helpful, such as Compassionate Friends, Survivors of Suicide groups. If not, ask a professional to help start one. 21. Call on your personal faith to see you through. 22. It is common to experience physical reactions to your grief, e.g. headaches, loss of appetite, inability to sleep. 23. The willingness to laugh with others and at yourself is healing. 24. Wear out your questions, anger, guilt or other feeling until you can let them go. Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting. 25. Know that you will never be the same again, but you can survive and even go beyond surviving.

Reprinted with permission from Suicide and Its Aftermath (Dunne, McIntosh, Dunne-Maxim, Norton and Co., 1987)

The Reaction of Children to a Sibling’s Death

As in every experience in life, children’s reactions to death may be unpredictable. Their age and previous experiences with death will play a role in their responses.

There may be:

• Anxiety and fear – Children may cling to parents or other adults seeking reassurance that they are loved. They fear they may die or someone close to them may die.

• Anger – Children may be angry at sibling for dying; at God and/or parents for not keeping her alive. They may be angry at not getting the attention they need.

• Guilt – Children often feel guilty because of what they may have said or done before their sibling died; at being alive when their brother or sister is dead.

• Regression – Children may return to earlier behavior like thumb sucking, using a bottle, and bed-wetting for a short period of time.

• Shock – Children may not fully understand that their brother or sister is not coming back; they may not show any emotion.

• Sadness – Children’s activity may decrease. They may become quiet, cry or daydream without knowing why. Be prepared for the honesty and directness which young children will bring to conversations about death. Clear and direct answers to their questions are the best.

Give only the information they request. Don’t be surprised if they ask the same questions repeatedly.

Don’t be surprised if children seem sad one moment and go on playing the next. They need to grieve on their own schedule.

Adapted with permission from “When A Baby Dies…” produced by the Massachusetts SIDS Center with funding from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Public Health Service and the Maternal and Child Bureau and from the handout ”Explaining Death to Children”, developed in 1996 by the SIDS Task Force at Dartmouth-Hitchcock Medical Center.

Helping Your Grieving Child

• Allow your child to talk about the death as often as he/she wants. • Let your child cry or be sad. • Show love, support and care for your child physically and emotionally. • Maintain a normal routine. • Use simple, truthful words to explain death. • Reassure the child that the death is not contagious; that the death of one person does not mean the child or other loved ones will soon die. • Listen to what your child is saying; observe what your child is not saying. • Children often think that they caused the death or illness. Reassure them that this is not true. • Do not compare death with sleep, since this may make children afraid of sleeping. • Encourage children to talk to each other about the death. • Encourage children to remember their sibling by keeping a diary; box of mementos to remember him/her through stories, drawings, and play activities; use books, memorial or funeral services to explain death. • Let your child know you are sad; it’s okay for you to cry or be angry. • Make sure your children understand that you are upset because your child died, and not because of anything they may have done. • Obtain the help of professionals if a child’s fears seem to last unusually long or seem unusually severe. Various ages and how they see death:

• Infancy to 2 years of age have no concept of death. • Early childhood, 3 to 5 years of age, see death as temporary. • School age, 5 to 10 years of age, knows that death is FOREVER. • Later school age and adolescent, 11 to 18 years of age, have a more realistic view of death. Adapted with permission from “When A Baby Dies…” produced by the Massachusetts SIDS Center with funding from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Public Health Service and the Maternal and Child Bureau and from the handout ”Explaining Death to Children”, developed in 1996 by the SIDS Task Force at Dartmouth-Hitchcock Medical Center.

We Remember Them

At the rising of the sun and its going down, we remember them.

At the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter,

we remember them.

At the opening of the buds and in the rebirth of spring, we remember them.

At the blueness of the skies and in the warmth of summer,

we remember them.

At the rustling of the leaves and in the beauty of autumn, we remember them.

At the beginning of the year and when it ends, we remember them.

As long as we live, they too will live;

for they are now a part of us, as we remember them.

When we are weary and in need of strength, we remember them.

When we are lost and sick at heart, we remember them.

When we have joy we crave to share,

we remember them.

When we have decisions that are difficult to make, we remember them.

When we have achievements that are based on theirs, we remember them.

As long as we live, they, too, will live; for they are now a part of us, as we remember them.

If you know a teen who has experienced a death, you might be wondering, “How can I help?” Here are a some tips to keep in mind. In general, if you find yourself unsure of what to do or say, remember to take your cues from the teen. It’s likely that they know, or will be able to figure out, what they need. Your willingness to listen to their concerns and questions, as well as be present with their thoughts and feelings, creates a foundation of safety, trust, and support. Be open and honest about the death. One of the first questions adults have after a death is, “How and when do I tell my teenagers?” There is no magical ‘right time’ to share the news of someone’s death, but in general we recommend telling them as soon as possible, so that they hear it from someone they trust rather than from other teens or through social media. Find a safe, comfortable place and start with a short, but honest, explanation about the death. Even though teens are better able to grasp the concept of death than younger children, it’s still good to avoid euphemisms such as passed away, went to sleep, crossed over, or lost. Taking in such big news can be confusing, so using the words dead or died can help teens comprehend what happened. You might say something like this: ”Honey, I have very sad news. Mom died today. She had a heart attack.” Let their questions guide what else to share. Allow for questions. Teens may have a lot of curiosity about the details of what happened. Let them know it’s okay to ask and that there are no wrong questions. If your teen asks something you don’t know the answer to, tell them what you can do to find out, acknowledging that some questions may not have answers. Sometimes teens hesitate to ask questions or talk about the person who died because they worry the adults they are closest to will get upset or cry. This doesn’t mean you should hide your feelings, but it is helpful to let them know ahead of time that it’s okay to talk about the person, even if your strong emotions come up. Reassure them that you will be okay and that there are people you can go to for support. Another option is to work with your teen to identify a trusted adult - family friend, relative, coach, mentor - they are comfortable going to with questions and concerns. Listen. When a teen is grieving, people can be quick to offer advice and give opinions. What’s most helpful is to listen without judging, interpreting, advising, or evaluating. It can be tempting to minimize their feelings, or convince them to think or feel differently than they do. If it’s a case of misinformation, it’s helpful to provide the correct details, but still allow teens to express their take on things. Sometimes the best response is to repeat what you hear them say -- called “reflecting” -- so that they know they have been heard. For example, “You really get uncomfortable when kids at school talk about hating their mom. You wish they knew what it’s like to have a mom die.” Doing this helps teens trust that you will listen, leaving them more likely to come to you when they’re hurting or needing advice. Be open to different ways of grieving. Grief is as unique as we are. Teens can have a wide range of reactions and ways of expressing their grief. Teens tend to be hard on themselves, whether for crying, not crying, being strong, being a “mess,” thinking about the person, or not thinking about the person. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Each grief experience is unique. You can help teens (and yourself) by letting them know all of their reactions are okay and supporting them to discover what works best for them, as long as their behavior does not hurt themselves or others. Reassure teens that you are still there to take care of them and that they don’t have to shoulder so much responsibility for the family’s well-being. The Dougy Center 503.775.5683 Visit us online at: www.dougy.org Like us on Facebook Follow us on Twitter Subscribe to

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Know that grief doesn’t follow a schedule. You may have heard that grief follows a linear course of stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The teens at The Dougy Center have taught us that grieving may include one, all, or none of these experiences and they do not occur in any particular order. Grief does not have a timeline. Let your teen know it’s common for their feelings, thoughts, and physical responses to change day to day, sometimes minute to minute! Offer choices. Teens appreciate being able to make choices as much as adults do. The death of a family member or friend can be disorienting, bringing to light their lack of control in life. Allowing them to make choices can help re-establish a sense of power, control, and trust. These choices can be simple and everyday such as, “I know we are all picking up extra chores since dad died, would you rather be in charge of taking out the trash or emptying the dishwasher?” or more complex, such as helping to plan the memorial service or sorting through the person’s belongings. Whenever possible, include teens in the decision-making process. Providing informed choices helps them know their input is valued and that they have an important role in the family. Acknowledge a need for privacy. Developmentally, teens are poised to explore independence and identity, which can lead them to turn more towards peers or solo endeavors such as music or journaling for comfort and support. For the adults in their lives, this can be challenging, as teens may not talk with the adults about how they are feeling or even about the person who died. For some teens, methods of communication that aren’t face to face can be easier to navigate. One family found that passing a notebook back and forth, with the understanding that unless there was a safety concern, nothing written

would be brought up in person, to be a great way to open up the lines of communication. This freed up the teen and his father to talk more openly than they would otherwise. Texting, email, short videos, or written notes - get creative and negotiate with your teen to find a way to interact that works for both of you. Know that grief affects teens on many levels. Grief is a holistic experience that can impact how a teen thinks, feels, and behaves. The death of a family member or friend can be physically, emotionally, and cognitively

exhausting, leaving teens with little energy leftover. Some teens have trouble sleeping, especially in the first few weeks or months after the death. Lack of sleep can lead to short tempers, mood swings, and impatience. You can help your teen by modeling good self-care around sleep, food, staying hydrated, and exercise. Grief can also make everyone forgetful, so your teen may need extra reminders about chores and plans. If your teen experiences difficulty concentrating in class or completing homework, reach out to their teachers to discuss ways to help your teen feel supported and successful in school. Talk about and remember the person who died. Talking about and remembering the person who died can be an important part of processing grief. You might say, “Your mom really loved classic rock music,” or, “Your dad was the most dedicated friend I’ve ever met.” By sharing these memories, you help teens learn more about who the person was in the world and what they valued. When it comes to significant days such as the birthday of the person who died, the anniversary of their death, and traditional holidays like Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Thanksgiving and year-end, your teen may have ideas about what to do on these days. Some families decide to light a candle, cook something the person who died loved to eat, take a trip to a favorite place, or take turns sharing memories. Invite teens to participate in making a plan, but also let them know it’s okay if they don’t want to. It’s common for feelings, thoughts, and physical responses to change day to day, sometimes minute to minute! The Dougy Center 503.775.5683 Visit us online at: www.dougy.org Like us on Facebook Follow us on Twitter Subscribe to

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tional Center for Grieving Children & Families Provide opportunities for recreation. Whether it was a parent, caregiver, or sibling who died, teens can feel compelled to step in and take on extra responsibilities. Babysitting younger siblings, helping with housework, or even getting an after school job to contribute to the family’s finances are some of the ways teens try to help out. While it might be necessary for them to take on a helper role, be sure to also make time for them to play and still be a kid, in whatever ways fit for them. Reassure teens that you are still there to take care of them and that they don’t have to shoulder so much responsibility for the family’s well-being. Get extra help if needed. While most teens will ultimately return to their prior level of functioning following a death, some are potentially at risk for developing challenges such as depression, anxiety, difficulties at school, suicidal thoughts, or high risk behaviors. While friends, family, or a support group may be enough for many teens, others find additional assistance from a therapist or school counselor to be helpful. If you notice ongoing behaviors that are interfering with a teen’s daily life, seek the advice of a qualified mental health professional. Don’t be afraid to ask about their experience and training in grief and loss, working with teens, and their treatment philosophy and methods. Find sources of support for yourself. If you are parenting or supporting a grieving teen, one of the best ways to help is to ensure that you are taking care of yourself. Research shows us that how well a teen does after a death is linked to how well the adults in their lives are doing. You don’t have to hide your grief, but be sure to establish people and activities in your life that provide comfort and inspiration. By accessing support, you model for your teens ways to take care of themselves, and provide reassurance that you will have the energy and presence to be there for them. These are just a few tips for how to support grieving teens. Grief is unique to each person and every family, so adapt these suggestions as needed. For some teens, methods of communication that aren’t face to face can be easier to navigate. y Center Bookstore/Resources Our Mission The Dougy Center provides support in a safe place where children, teens, young adults, and their families grieving a death can share their experiences.

The Dougy Center 503.775.5683 Visit us online at: www.dougy.org Like us on Facebook Follow us on Twitter Subscribe to our YouTube Channel

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