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Praise for The Authentic Heart: An Eightfold Path to Midlife Love

by John Amodeo, Ph.D.

“The Authentic Heart is a groundbreaking, insightful, warmly written bookthat I highly recommend to anyone wanting more loving, joyful relation-ships. John Amodeo is a thoughtful and heartfelt writer who addresseswith great clarity, wisdom, and practicality the key steps that are necessaryfor building authentic, mature, loving connections—not only with others,but also with oneself.”

—John Bradshaw, author of Healing the Shame That Binds Youand Bradshaw on the Family

“Just what millions want to know—not only how to make love last, but howto make lasting love new again and again. This warmhearted and clear-headed book is full of practical wisdom.”

—Gay Hendricks, Ph.D., and Kathlyn Hendricks, Ph.D., authors of Conscious Loving and The Conscious Heart

“The Authentic Heart offers practical, wise, and compassionate guidance formidlife love.”

—Jack Kornfield, author of A Path with Heart and After the Ecstasy, the Laundry

“John Amodeo is a master guide for the relationship path. His knowledgeand love pour through this book on every page. With the aid of this book’sgrounded wisdom, we can untangle the knots of our own making and findour way clear in any relationship of significance, no matter how challeng-ing it might be.”

—Jacquelyn Small, author of Awakening in Timeand Director of Eupsychia Institute

“If you ever have a thought of wishing you were younger, run, don’t walk,to pick up this book. Open to any page and you will find the life-affirmingwisdom that will allow you to celebrate yourself.”

—Jordan Paul, Ph.D., coauthor of Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by You?

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“The Authentic Heart is a beautifully written, hope-filled celebration of spiri-tually rich intimacy. If that’s what you are seeking, you must read this book.”

—Judith Sherven, Ph.D., and James Sniechowski, Ph.D., authors of The New Intimacy and Opening to Love 365 Days a Year

“John Amodeo is a brilliant writer. With breathtaking clarity and simplic-ity, he makes the enduring truths of conscious relationships fully accessi-ble to contemporary readers. His penetrating insights illuminate the pathto deep love and intimacy.”

—William Collinge, Ph.D., cofounder of The Intimacy & Healing Project and author

of The American Holistic Health Association Complete Guide to Alternative Medicine

“Full of warmth and wisdom, this book inspires us to let go of the illusionsof youth, learn from the lessons life has taught us thus far and begin againwith a renewed sense of humility and compassion.”

—Susan Campbell, Ph.D., author of The Couple’s Journey, Getting Real, and From Chaos to Confidence

“John Amodeo is the most thoughtful writer on relationships that I know.I recommend this book to anyone seeking insight and solutions to relationship issues.”—Dr. Jim Dreaver, author of The Ultimate Cure and The Way of Harmony

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The Authentic Heart4

An Eightfold Path

to Midlife Love

John Amodeo, Ph.D.

John Wiley & Sons, Inc.New York • Chichester • Weinheim • Brisbane • Singapore • Toronto

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Copyright © 2001 by John Amodeo. All rights reserved

Published by John Wiley & Sons, Inc.Grateful acknowledgement is made to the following:

“To the Tune ‘Glittering Sword Hilts’” by Lui Yu Hsi from One Hundred MorePoems from the Chinese by Kenneth Rexroth. Copyright © 1970 by Kenneth

Rexroth. Reprinted by permission of New Directions Publishing Corporation.From Letters to a Young Poet by Rainer Maria Rilke. Copyright © 1934, 1954 by

W. W. Norton & Co. Inc, renewed © 1962, 1982 by M. D. Herter Norton.Reprinted by permission of W. W. Norton.

From The Collected Poems of W. B. Yeats, Revised Second Edition, edited by RichardJ. Finneran. Copyright © 1934 by Macmillan Publishing Company, copyrightrenewed © 1962 by Bertha Georgie Yeats. Reprinted by permission of Simon

& Schuster.From Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu, translated by Stephen Mitchell. Translationcopyright © 1988 by Stephen Mitchell. Reprinted by permission of Harper-

Collins Publishers.From The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran. Reprinted by permission of Alfred A

Knopf, a division of Random House.No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or

transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying,recording, scanning, or otherwise, except as permitted under Section 107 or 108of the 1976 United States Copyright Act, without either the prior written per-mission of the Publisher, or authorization through payment of the appropriate

per-copy fee to the Copyright Clearance Center, 222 Rosewood Drive, Danvers,MA 01923, (978) 750-8400, fax (978) 750-4744. Requests to the Publisher for

permission should be addressed to the Permissions Department, John Wiley &Sons, Inc., 605 Third Avenue, New York, NY 10158-0012, (212) 850-6011, fax

(212) 850-6008, email: [email protected].

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering professional services. If professional

advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought.

This title is also available in print as ISBN 0-471-38757-6.

For more information about Wiley products, visit our Web site atwww.Wiley.com

fcopyebk 1/26/01 5:33 AM Page iv

This book is dedicated to

Steven Ruddell, a man with a wise, kind heart, whose love,caring, and encouragement over the past twenty-five years have

taught me the meaning and value of true friendship.

My dear mother, whose warm and loving presence blessed me with a good start in life.

Awakening the heart of each reader.

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Contents

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Acknowledgments, ixIntroduction, 1

The First Step: Prepare Your Understanding:From Young Love to Mature Love

1 New Beginnings, 112 Comparative Love 101, 18

The Second Step: Identify the ShameThat Keeps Love Away

3 The Nature of Shame, 474 Your Inner Critic: The Voice of Shame, 67

The Third Step: Summon the Courageto Affirm the Authentic You

5 Getting to Authenticity, 876 Celebrate Your Authentic Self, 96

The Fourth Step: Respect Yourselfthrough Boundaries

7 Boundaries as a Foundation for Intimacy, 125vii

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The Fifth Step: Practice Self-Soothingand Self-Connection

8 The Softening Ingredient, 1439 Focusing: A Path to Befriending Yourself, 163

10 Spiritual Self-Soothing, 171

The Sixth Step: Respect Othersthrough Kind Conversation

11 Gentle Honesty, 18312 Speak and Connect from Your

Authentic Heart, 192

The Seventh Step: Build Trust througha Process Commitment

13 Being Committed to the Process, 20914 The Key Ingredients of Trust, 217

The Eighth Step: Deepen Your Understandingof Love and Sexuality

15 The Ingredients of Love, 22916 A Deepening Sexuality, 251

Conclusion Toward a Mature Spirituality, 263References, 279A Guide to Resources, 285Index, 289

viii C O N T E N T S

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Acknowledgments

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My deepest appreciation to friends and colleagues who gave valu-able feedback and encouragement.

Special thanks to Maggie Kline, Louise Robinson, SorettaRodack, and Fred Zarro for their caring, detailed attention to themanuscript.

I also appreciate the valuable help with different parts of themanuscript given by Sue Amodeo, Lynn Bergman, Anata Carney,Ann Weiser Cornell, Linda Cunningham, Deborah Hill, RobertLeverant, Peter Levine, Malcolm Miller, Steven Ruddell, and ErnieSherman.

Many thanks to my literary agent, Stephanie Tade at the JaneRotrosen Agency, who recognized the value of my work.

My deep gratitude to Tom Miller, my caring and attentive editorat John Wiley & Sons, who made the birth of this book possible.

I want to express heartfelt appreciation to the many other friends,mentors, and teachers who have supported and inspired me overthe years. Prominent among them are Bob Altheim, Shepherd Bliss,Eileen Campbell, Peter Campbell, Ken Cohen, William Collinge,Jim Dreaver, George Feldman, Eugene Gendlin, Lee Glickstein,Joseph Goldstein, Robert Hall, Robert Kantor, Jack Kornfield, LorenKrane, Bob Marcus, Edwin McMahon, Brad Parks, Janis Paulsen,Nick Rudin, Maxine Scharf, Don Schwartz, Neil Selden, JacquelynSmall, William Staniger, John Tarrant, Ray Vespe, Chris Wentworth,Kris Wentworth, John White, Charles Whitfield, Gloria Wilcox,Cheryl Woodruff, and Aaron Zerah.

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IntroductionI realize today that nothing in the world is more distastefulto a man than to take the path that leads to himself.

—Hermann Hesse

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To be human is to long for love. We want to feel close, con-nected, and cared about. But sadly, love relationships oftenleave us disheartened, cynical, or angry. Is our quest for lovejust a wild ride toward nowhere, or is there some awareness we’remissing in order to find it?

Much pain and confusion stem from unrealistic attitudes andexpectations about love and romance. We don’t understand what itreally takes to love and be loved. Distorted dreams of our youth swayus to fit the round dream of romance into the square peg of authen-tic love.

Young images of romance are destined to disappoint us. But aswith any art, it takes time to become an adept lover; our early attemptsoften fail. Not knowing how to make sense of our pain, disillusion-ment, or despair, we may give up the search, or settle for very little.We may also give up on ourselves—and on life.

Satisfying relationships don’t just happen. It’s not merely a mat-ter of finding the right person and then living happily ever after, asin a fairy tale. Loving partnerships and friendships are created andmaintained through a commitment to a certain path of growth. Thesearch for love is simultaneously a search for ourselves.

This book assembles and synthesizes the main pieces of theorchestra so you may savor a full and resounding symphony of lovethat touches, delights, and expands your heart. It moves beyondamiable companionship or marital contentment, and invites you to

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explore the further reaches of what’s possible in relationships. Thisbook is based on the premise that growth is a lifelong process, andit offers a path toward actualizing love on ever deeper levels as youharvest your life experience.

An Extraordinary Opportunity

Many couples love each other and consider themselves happily mar-ried but have difficulty showing their love and allowing its fullestunfolding. Others hesitate to acknowledge that they’re dissatisfiedbecause they fear losing what they have. Still others have hurt eachother deeply, which has created distance; they’re wary and mistrust-ful and have settled for an uneasy truce or they bicker constantly.

If you’re currently in a partnership, you may want to bringgreater depth, delight, and dynamism to it. You may want moremoments of feeling the love that’s there. Or you may be wonderingif there’s enough love and connection to stay together now that thekids are grown. Or perhaps you feel this might be your last chanceto create a rich relationship.

Midlife holds the extraordinary potential of becoming morefully awake and alive—more wholeheartedly available to give andreceive love. By being committed to relationships of equality andrespect, you have a precious opportunity to unearth rare treasures.Something new explodes into birth through the cross-pollination oftwo hearts who feel safe and enlivened being together.

If you’re currently single, you’re blessed in a different way. Peri-ods of being single offer opportunities to understand relationshipsfrom a new perspective. Perhaps you need time to heal before open-ing yourself to someone new—and time to understand what happenedfrom a distant perch safely removed from the confusion of partneredlife. Being single can be a time to strengthen yourself and becomemore insightful before launching anew into the sacred struggle andsacred joy of authentic relating.

Whether or not you’re in a partnership, friendships are anunderrated source of depth and satisfaction in life. This book is alsoabout availing yourself of the rich connections possible throughclose friendships.

2 T H E A U T H E N T I C H E A R T


The Gift of Midlife

Never before have we humans lived so long. Life expectancy wasthirty-five years when our country was founded; it jumped to forty-seven years in 1900. Thanks to advances in health care and self-care,that figure has rocketed to seventy-three years for men and seventy-nine years for women! By age fifty, life expectancy for men becomesseventy-eight years and for women eighty-two years. These areexceptional times.

Life expectancy is likely to increase even further with advancesin medicine. And with research on hormone therapy to slow aging,along with products that promote vitality, our later years can berobust ones.

But despite what science has done for us lately, our main hopelies in what we can do for ourselves. As poet and essayist Diane Ack-erman puts it, “I don’t want to get to the end of my life and find thatI lived just the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it aswell.” A long life might be a curse, not a blessing, if we’re lonely andunhappy.

Thanks to discoveries about our biochemical nature, we have anopportunity to live long and prosper. But unless we use our gift oftime to understand our human nature, true happiness will elude us.The crucial question this book addresses is, what will we do with thegift of life we’ve been granted? What will it take to fulfill the deep-est longings of our heart?

This book explores an aspiration that deepens as we mature—tolove and be loved. It offers a sound, soulful, and research-supportedpathway toward the depth and delight that are possible through lov-ing partnerships and friendships.

When Is Midlife?

Defining when midlife begins is tricky. Most authors on the subjectreckon midlife as beginning at around forty or forty-five and con-tinuing into our early or mid-sixties. I encourage people to get anearly start on discovering the richness of midlife. Why wait anylonger than necessary to acknowledge that you’ve entered your

I N T R O D U C T I O N 3


middle years? No one can know for sure how long he or she will live.You probably hope you’ll live well into your eighties, nineties, orbeyond. But time is precious and the sooner you tackle the devel-opmental tasks of midlife, the sooner you’ll awaken to your fullestpotential. It’s easy to succumb to denial and the delusion that you’lllive forever and to postpone getting on with your life.

I saw my thirty-fifth birthday as a halfway point, assuming I’d liveto be seventy. Although thirty-five seems quite young now, it was awake-up call. There was no denying I was closing in on forty. GailSheehy, author of the classic book Passages, reinforces my experience:“The first glimpses of a midlife perspective usually begin to startle usin the middle of our thirties. Time starts to pinch.” If I had to benailed down, I’d say that early midlife begins roughly at thirty-five,median middle age occurs between forty-five and fifty-five, and latermidlife is fifty-five to sixty-five. But these labels don’t really matter.The important thing is to find and create meaning in your life as soonas you realize that time is precious and caring relationships are yourtop priority. Most people discover this during their middle years, asthey become aware of their mortality and physical limitations.

Recent discoveries of planets rotating around other suns were theproduct of eight years of painstaking research. Similarly, the authen-tic love of midlife is not designed for those who luxuriate in a cul-ture of fast food and instant gratification. The McLovers who seeksimple formulas to have it all now will never create the foundationthat love requires.

The good news for people in midlife is that true love isn’t dead.It’s just further away than we imagined. It awaits discovery by thosewho find the will and wisdom to move forward despite treacherousterrain. But instead of searching further outside yourself, you mustgently turn your sight inward toward your own heart and mind—looking more deeply into yourself to ripen your readiness for love.The prospect of loving relationships grows as you prepare a sacredplace within your heart for special connections.

Finding and nurturing love requires growing discernment,patience—and yes, work. Like learning to play a musical instrument,the art of giving and receiving love is a creative venture leading todeepening meaning and exquisite pleasure.

Midlife love is attainable for people who persevere despite set-



backs, like those who succeed in business after bankruptcy. Thedisillusionment of your early romances or first marriage may haveoverwhelmed you with anger, sorrow, and/or humiliation. Beinghurt or feeling like a failure, you may have abandoned the search forlove—or settled for something that made you wonder, “Is love reallypossible?” As one middle-aged woman told me, “I’ve given up! I’vehad enough pain and disappointment. I’ll stick with my cats!”

My previous work, Love & Betrayal: Broken Trust in Intimate Rela-tionships, was an attempt to help people heal relationship woundsso they wouldn’t give up on love. This current book ventures beyondbetrayal and broken trust into a world where authentic love becomespossible.

Learning what it takes to love means developing both awarenessand skills. The eightfold path to love is a distillation of nearly twenty-five years of experience practicing psychotherapy. This book has beenover twelve years in the making.

Rather than bemoan past mistakes or others’ transgressions, take theopportunity midlife offers to reenvision your priorities so that youmay actualize your longing for love. Through your tears and tri-umphs, you’ve earned your credentials to enter this new stage of life.Like fulfilling the prerequisites for college, you’ve laid the ground-work necessary to move toward authentic love.

For many of us, entering midlife means we’ve known the hurtsof rejection and the heartache of betrayal. We’ve delighted in thejoys of being in love and connecting deeply. We’ve lived enoughyears to be on both sides of various relationship issues, therebymaking it possible to develop the sensitivity necessary for true love.Perhaps we were the betrayer in one relationship and the betrayedin another, or the one who was rejecting and then the one who wasrejected, or the one who longed for more intimacy and then theone who felt trapped by the other’s needs and demands. By midlife,we become more familiar with the terrain of love and more ready todo the inner work necessary to avoid the land mines.

By knowing how it feels to be on either side of various relation-ship dynamics, you’re better positioned to nurture compassion andunderstanding for yourself and others. Over time, humility and wis-dom have an opportunity to germinate in your weather-beaten heart,creating a fertile climate for love to thrive.



Having danced in the light and wrestled with the darkness, youcan now take time to integrate what you’ve learned throughout yourlife. Perhaps you carry baggage and scars from romantic misadven-tures, with their legacy of multiple wounds, a divided family, andopportunities lost. But rather than abandon love and retreat to aworld that’s safe but sterile, you can make the most of midlife as atime to open your heart and free your imagination while plantingyour feet firmly on the ground. It’s a time to recapture your inno-cence, yet integrate it with the compassion born of sorrow and thewisdom born of mistakes. It’s a time to complete whatever grievingremains from jagged partings of the past. It’s a time to value your-self as you are rather than shape yourself according to others’ expec-tations. And it’s a time to move toward a wise innocence—authenticlove for grown-ups.

Some people have felt so beaten in the courtyard of love thatthey just want a sabbatical from relationships. Others prefer tocommit themselves to spiritual pursuits apart from relationships,although the path of love is inherently a spiritual one. Still othershave a need to make their career a priority for a time.

Pursuing love is dangerous. You can get hurt. It’s reserved forthe adventurous—those willing to risk getting hurt again to reapthe rewards of authentic love. Yet as you grow toward midlife andbeyond, your heart can be increasingly fortified by the wisdom anddiscernment that come with experience.

Courageous people in midlife hold a mature vision of possibili-ties. They’re willing to take intelligent risks. Perhaps they long forthe shimmering delight of searching into their partner’s eyes, or theexperience of gently holding each other while gazing at the nightsky, or lovemaking electrified by connecting from the heart. Thesebrave souls have tasted the heartbreak of rejection and separation—perhaps knowing more than their share of adversity. Yet thesewounded warriors of love are willing to learn from their pain andmisfortune rather than diminish themselves by retreating from oth-ers or concluding that love isn’t for them.

This book is for people who want to reconsider possibilities theymay have abandoned or overlooked, or for those who simply wantmore joy in their relationships. We often find true love once we’veabandoned unreal hopes and begin to replace them with what it



really takes to love. This book offers a pathway for attracting, cre-ating, and deepening vibrant partnerships and friendships.

The Journey Begins

Our journey toward authentic midlife loving begins by distinguish-ing the dreamy romance of young love from the depth of maturelove. Step two along the path involves uncovering the subtle shameand self-criticism you carry and realizing how this dynamic duo hasprompted you to manufacture an inauthentic self that will neverbring you love. Step three is the realization that authenticity formsthe basis for true love, and the discussion here explores what it reallymeans to be authentic. The fourth step is to develop appropriateboundaries that protect and support your authentic self so that itmay thrive, despite how you’re viewed or treated by others. Step fiveinvites you to learn the skills of self-soothing and self-connection sothat you may cultivate a safe refuge within yourself when there’sconflict or when things don’t go your way. Step six involves express-ing your feelings in a gentle way so that communication becomesless critical and more kind and effective. Step seven is to revise whatit means to be committed so that you may build trust and connectdeeply without losing yourself. Finally, step eight involves deepeningyour understanding of authentic love and discovering how sexualityflows from a deep connection with your lover. In conclusion, we’llexplore how a mature spirituality evolves naturally by practicingthese steps.

Throughout the book I’ve drawn upon the experience of friends,acquaintances, and clients, as well as my own experience. I’ve changednames and altered identifying characteristics to protect people’s iden-tities. I have often combined vignettes from several people to betterillustrate key points and further protect confidentiality. After read-ing my previous books, people have often told me that they thinkI’m writing about them! This is only because our human experienceis surprisingly similar. Also, although my examples are from hetero-sexual relationships, the growth necessary for midlife love is relevantto gay and lesbian relationships as well.

I’ve tried to be thorough in giving proper credit to others. Please



let me know if you think I’ve omitted referencing anyone. As thepoet T. S. Eliot recognized, “Originality is the ability to concealone’s sources.” I’m happy to acknowledge the writings of others, asI’m grateful for the chance to build upon their creative work.

The path of growth that leads to midlife love opens your heartand strengthens your spirit. It opens you to life, even if no partnercomes right away—or ever. The risk of closing yourself to love isthat you close your heart to life. The courage to pursue the path oflove simultaneously opens you to the mystery and magic of beingalive.



T H E F I R S T S T E P

4

Prepare YourUnderstanding:

From Young Loveto Mature Love

One reason why we have so much trouble with relationshiptoday may be out of neglect of its study. We expect to find

intimacy naturally, without education or initiation.

—Thomas Moore

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New BeginningsSince love is the most delicate and total act of a soul, it willreflect the state and nature of the soul. . . . If the individualis not sensitive, how can his love be sentient? If he is notprofound, how can his love be deep? As one is, so is hislove. For this reason, we can find in love the most decisivesymptom of what a person is.

—José Ortega y Gasset

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If anthropologists from another planet observed a young humancouple in love, they’d be bewildered. When meeting, thesehumans seem so kind and thoughtful. They say sweet things:“You’re great! I’m crazy about you! I can’t live without you.” Theydeclare their devotion, make passionate love, and eventually marry—vowing to honor and cherish each other forever.

Then things somehow change. Six months—or five years—laterthe scene is very different. Bewildered, our foreign observers nownotice that the same couple who seemed so “in love” are now at eachother’s throats, followed by a jagged parting of the ways and a sadparting of hearts.

Lisa, a young model, and Mark, an illustrator, epitomize this rad-ical shift of sentiments. When she was newly married, Lisa had statedbuoyantly, “I will follow Mark anywhere and anytime.” But after

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they separated, she remarked, “I have no idea where he is and I couldcare less!”

Why did Lisa’s romantic hopes fade? Why did Mark’s once kindwords turn critical and accusatory? Why did their warm intimacylapse into glacial distance and their sexual passion become sexualboredom? Are love relationships always destined to disappoint us?Or is there something we’re lacking—something that rarely gracesthe young?

As we age, a wistful regret may haunt us: that we weren’t wiserduring our youth. “I wish I knew then what I know now!” is a recur-ring mantra as we move through life. Yet, no doubt, we did our bestaccording to what we knew at the time.

Like many people in midlife who are married or partnered, youmay feel that you’re doing okay but sense that something is missing.Maybe you’re not as close to your family or friends as you’d like tofeel. Or you may be lacking the joy, depth, and delight that youclearly envision but can’t seem to manifest in your relationships.Rather than let yourself sink into apathy and cynicism, you can usemidlife as a time to apply yourself with renewed devotion to createsatisfying relationships.

One unlikely gift of midlife is a sobering truth: we won’t bearound forever! This realization hits home gradually as one birth-day follows another with increasing rapidity. Or our mortality maystrike suddenly after some adversity: a frightening illness, the deathof a parent or friend, or just seeing our children leave the nest. Thesudden deaths of young celebrities such as Princess Diana and JFKJr. serve as sober reminders of our mortality and the need to “seizethe day.”

Wisdom rarely comes during the innocent days of youth, whenlife seems endless and we have an inflated view of our powers. Thewisdom necessary to achieve meaningful partnerships and friend-ships often doesn’t dawn until we reach some crisis point that promptsus to become more serious about life and love. We might hit thiswall during midlife—the proverbial “midlife crisis,” when we real-ize that our long-held dream of “making it” isn’t panning out. Failedexpectations, romantic disillusionment, the drudgery of work orfamily life, the emptiness of materialistic values, and a nagging mean-inglessness make us wonder, “Is this all there is? Is this the fruit ofall my labors?”



The Advantages of Losing Hope

The good news is that disillusionment is often the beginning of wis-dom. The philosopher Nietzsche, acclaimed by Freud as having amore penetrating knowledge of himself than anyone who ever lived,put it starkly: “Not a day passes when I haven’t rid myself of anothercomfortable illusion.”

Is your heart sometimes heavy, your mind restless, and your soulsearching? Or are you simply wanting more love and joy in your life?Then you’re ready to ask these crucial questions:

1. What’s really important in life?2. Do I need new priorities?3. What’s getting in the way of the deeper connections I want

with people?4. Am I doing something that’s pushing people away?5. Are my expectations too high in some ways and too low in

others?6. What can relationships provide for me, and what do I need

to do for myself?

Allowing these questions to incubate in your heart and mind canbring realizations that lead to a new era of loving. As you practicethe eightfold path that I’ll outline, you’ll be able to respond to thesequestions more clearly.

Midlife is a time to fulfill the deeper longings of your soul. Thesacred salve of disappointed love can be an impetus to listen to whatlife is trying to tell you. Perhaps you first needed to chase the roman-tic fantasy of having a partner and two kids before you could realizethat you had fallen into an alluring trap. Perhaps you needed to climbthe corporate ladder before you could discover, as one forty-five-year-old executive put it, “Business achievements didn’t do it for me. I havemoney and status. I’m the American dream of success. I’ve made it,but I’m unhappy. There’s no love in my heart. During the next halfof my life I want a new kind of success—fulfilling relationships.”

Men often lag behind women in forming friendships and strongsocial ties, which are important not only for happiness but also forhealth and longevity. During the middle years, many men are eagerto move from “competing to connecting.” They want to “finally get

N E W B E G I N N I N G S 13


love right,” as one man expressed it. Many women in midlife alsowant deeper relationships, though without being defined and delim-ited by them.

When I was younger, I thought I had only to find the perfect womanand I’d be happy. I was so picky that I found myself alone much ofthe time. I didn’t grasp the concept that love is something that growsby sharing our imperfect selves.

The possibility of deep, authentic loving can dawn only as youlose hope in the innocent romantic views that masqueraded as truelove. You must lose faith not in love itself but in true love’s alluringcousin: naive, romantic love. You must peer through the subtle veilsthat obstruct true connection with both your inner self and yourpartner before you can graduate to a more fulfilling, lasting love.

As one woman entering midlife realized, “I had to go through aperiod of giving up. But I was actually giving up the fantasy of beingrescued—the dream of being taken care of by someone else. I gaveup relationships so I could stop giving up myself! Now that I havemore of me, I’m ready for a partnership, but in a new way.” This wisewoman used her past disappointments as an impetus to listen to whatlife was trying to tell her.

The essence of Buddhism and many spiritual paths is to discoverand express your true nature—to find your essence beneath the maskof your everyday personality. You can begin this process at any age,but midlife is an especially ripe time to discover who you really are.As you come to know and show yourself, you create the foundationfor authentic love.

Old views must sometimes die in order to make way for the new.As you move beyond young views of love based on merging andblended identities, you are ready to learn what it takes to share yourauthentic heart and live in a way that is deep, joyful, and workable.You are ready for mature, midlife love.

Young love is the stuff of fairy tales and Hollywood. It’s theromance of your childhood dreams. Society promotes naive romancethrough myriad movies and love songs that drip with the excruciat-ing pain and pleasure of our longing. Young love is responsible fordeep disappointment when you discover that the captivating roman-tic myth fails to match the reality of your life.



Prince Charles and Princess Diana were such a storybook couple.They seemed so in love as they trotted around the globe, smilinginto television cameras. When their marriage dissolved, the bittersalt of reality was a shocking disappointment to many. Sadly, Diana’stragic death cut short her own quest for love, although it serves as avivid reminder for us to pursue our heart’s desire while we’re blessedwith the gift of life.

Young love contains seeds of something deeper. This riper loveretains the sparkle of its younger cousin, yet it embodies an addedquality of depth and substance. Searching for a word to describe thisrare elixir is challenging. Dare we call it “mature love”? Oh no, notthat! Mature? Has it come to that?

For some people the word “mature” rankles a bit. It can have thering of being old—and in our youth-crazed society we certainlydon’t want to be accused of that! For others, “mature” sounds stiffand stuffy—nothing too exciting. However, the Old French wordmaturus evolved into the word mur meaning “ripe.” Maturing involvesripening. Immature is green and tart. Mature implies the full glow—sweet, full of flavor, and ready to be enjoyed. A Latin derivative is“Matuta,” the name of the Roman goddess of the dawn. Midlife is apassage to a new, more mature beginning.

Exercise:

Here are some questions to consider before delving into maturelove.

• What does love mean to you apart from sex and romance?• What does being in love mean to you?• What are you looking for in a partnership?

The Passion of Mature Love

Mature love is thoroughly enlivening and passionate, but you’re beingmore intelligent about it. You’re beginning to know what you’redoing and why you’re doing it. You have an interest and excitementin knowing your partner more deeply—and in understanding more



about yourself through the relationship. You appreciate the delicacyof love and you’re learning to nurture trust and intimacy rather thansabotage it. You feel the sparkle and pleasure of giving and receiv-ing love—and opening to life. And if a relationship fails, you knowthat you have a refuge within yourself, and therefore know how tosoft-land rather than crash-land into a wasteland of bitterness anddespair.

Midlife is a time to move toward a love that is more stable andless hazardous to your health. And, perhaps more difficult to recog-nize, it’s a time when you become less hazardous to others. Matur-ing beyond the narcissism of youth brings greater awareness of theeffects you have on people.

As you learn to create conditions for love to ripen, you ride thetiger of your longings without being thrown around so wildly. Youtake responsibility for how you’re contributing to not getting whatyou want. You learn to deal with conflict and differences in ways thatbring closeness rather than disconnection. By allowing passion to beseasoned by wisdom and exuberance to be grounded in sobriety, youopen the door to a more authentic and satisfying love. Far from bor-ing, mature love is exhilarating. But the source of aliveness is withinyourself; it does not originate from the other person.

When I refer to young or naive love, I’m referring more to emo-tional development than chronological age. Many people cling tonaive notions of love well into their later years, while some youngerpeople are blessed with a smoother transition to mature love.Although personal experience provides the raw material to create amore refined love, what is most crucial is what we learn from thatexperience. Some twenty-year-olds pursue love in a more maturemanner than some fifty-year-olds.

But generally speaking, most people aren’t prepared for maturelove until they’ve had sufficient life experience—including amplefailures—to gain the humility and wisdom that forge the foundationfor maturity. The poet Rilke said it well: “Young people, who arebeginners in everything, cannot yet know love: they have to learn it.With their whole being, with all their forces, gathered close abouttheir lonely, timid upward beating heart, they must learn to love.”Few people embody mature love in our culture, and therefore wehave few role models to guide us forward.



My hope is that you will acknowledge—even honor—the youngviews of love that brought you where you are today. These experi-ences, however painful, have qualified you for a journey into love’sdeepest chamber. Each failed romance can be a preparation formature love—if you learn from your setbacks. Failures and reversalsare a necessary rite of passage toward the joy of midlife love.



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ComparativeLove 101Can I see another’s woe,And not be in sorrow too?Can I see another’s grief.And not seek for kind relief?

—William Blake

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Some people just aren’t interested in understanding the intrica-cies of love. They insist that love is a mystery, not a subject formortal minds to comprehend. Certainly, love contains moreriddles than answers. When asked, “Why do you love him?” or “Whatdo you love about her?” we’re often stymied by the question. “I don’tknow why, I just do!”

Love is too large to be captured by narrow definitions; it partic-ipates in a much larger mystery than what your mind can ever grasp.Happily, this sublime mystery adds wonder, awe, and possibilitiesto life.

Yet if you never understand what it takes to support and nurturelove, you’ll be tossed around wildly by love’s awesome currents.Consequently, you’ll keep creating messes in your life—often thesame ones over and over again. You may complain, “I have no idea

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what happened! I can’t figure out this love thing!” Rather thanbecome love’s victim, you can explore your history of successes andfailures to learn more about yourself—and more about what it takesto love and be loved.

Comparing young love with mature love provides a grid to allowa greater understanding of love. As you mix wisdom with the poetryof love, you can navigate treacherous territory with greater aware-ness and skill. As you add insight to the art of loving, you can enjoylove’s nectar without choking on its alluring sweetness. As you addself-awareness to the ecstasy of love, you can delight in love’s joywithout falling off the cliff when differences and conflicts arise. Byfamiliarizing yourself with love’s ways, you can respond to love’s callwith your eyes open to what’s really happening.

As you read the following contrasts between young love andmature love, see how many apply to you—and notice how far you’vecome in your journey toward mature love. You might also discoveryour own distinctions.

Young love: I long for you so I must love you.Mature love: Longing isn’t the same as love.

The alluring beliefs and images that weave young views of loveand romance are deeply embedded in our collective psyche. In West-ern culture, romantic love came into full bloom during the twelfthcentury in France. “Troubadours” were skilled poets and musicianswho idealized sexual passion or platonic union with their beloved.Romantic epics and poetry venerated women as a source of spiritualbliss while idealizing torment as a noble sign of frustrated longing.One rule of romantic love insisted, “A true love is continually andwithout interruption obsessed by the image of his beloved.” Anotherrule destined to confuse future generations declared, “Love easilyobtained is of little value; difficulty in obtaining it makes it pre-cious.” The romantic quest for the inaccessible woman—and provingoneself worthy of her affection—became the very reason for one’sexistence.

Sadly, society hasn’t progressed much beyond the misguidedviews of love promulgated centuries ago. Modern-day trumpeters ofnaive romance, such as Hollywood producers and the entertainmentmedia, profit from our appetite for amour. However, the repackaged

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