H Conlon Writing Samples

8/8/2019 H Conlon Writing Samples

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Bowling

What is it about bowling? I've never been really good at it. When I watch it, I always get this "it's

sort of cheesy" feeling. But when I actually play it, it's not cheesy anymore - it's hard! It's

challenging! It's FUN! I've never bowled on a league, only with friends and family. If I break 100,

I'm thrilled with myself. Best game I ever did was 160. Actually winning a game is a thrill! My wife,

son and I go out about twice a year for a night out of bowling. My wife has always been good at

bowling, 160 is child's play for her. And my son at 14 regularly kicks my butt. And even though I

rarely win with these two, we always manage to have a complete blast.

Eating whatever sounds good from the grill and drinking beers and soda, and of course watching

the other bowlers, we've found that we really do enjoy the sport. It's one of man kinds oldest

sports... seriously. British Anthropologist Sir Flinders Petrie became the first to discover evidence

of a bowling-like game. He found ancient objects in a child’s grave in Egypt that were allegedly

used for a primitive form of the game. The artifacts have been dated back to 3200 BC, effectively

making bowling over 5,000 years old! And 5,000 years later, here we are. Slick wooden, hand

crafted lanes. Automatic ball returns, automated pin resets, computerized scoring, restaurant and

bar. . . Some say bowling is even more popular than soccer on this planet. Cheesy as it might

look, bowling is a blast!

Car Restoration

There it sits in the back of the overgrown field. Being an aficionado of old cars, I recognize it

immediately. 1959 Ford Edsel. It's dead. Decades of sitting in the sun, rain, and snow, in one spot

has taken a major toll on its once classic goofy looks. Faded and rusted, rotten and decaying...

eventually it will be dissolved back to mother earth. I see it sitting there while on a hike with my

dog, she's off sniffing out rabbits. I've decided to sniff out the old Edsel. As I slowly stroll around

the pathetic old girl, I can't help but think "Restoration is such an expensive hobby". My hand

slowly begins to stroke it's rusty and faded surface..."Shame to see you here old girl.... ah, if I

were a rich man...." I softly whisper to her. I'm mentally making a list.... Doing a triage' of sorts...

We've all seen cars like this. Sitting, abandoned its last owner. Forever left alone to the elements.

The back of a field or tucked away, collecting dust in a barn. I always wonder how these

automobiles got to their final resting place. What had their lives been like? The classic "If These

Cars Could Talk". One thing is for certain: At one point in their lives, they were somebody’s pride

and joy. Do you remember how great you felt when you brought home your first "brand new" car?



Hey, lots of people have never owned a brand new car before. But even bringing home a really

nice used car has the same effect. You keep the interior spotless and you wash the outside

religiously . . . for about 3 or 4 months, maybe longer. Eventually it's just settles into being just the

family car, messy and in need of a wash. And eventually you sell it or trade it in on another. Then

it becomes somebody else's really nice used car. And again and again and again until at some

point it breaks down and is just too expensive of a fix to worry about. It ends up moved out of

sight. . . . in the back of the old corn field, weeds and rabbits it's only visitors. You know the old

saying - "out of sight, out of mind".

But not ALWAYS. Sometimes somebody with a lot of money and a lot of time comes along and

finds it. They've always loved Fords (or whatever) and thought the Edsel was one of the coolest

cars of her time! They've always wanted one and now days have been told over and over "you

need to get a hobby!"

The property owner is found, a friend with a flat bed trailer is called, deals made, hands shook,

and a very happy person drives off with their rusted and faded soon to be "car of their dreams!"

Another restoration has begun.

Idiot Parents

Posted on TickingMeOff.com today...

Each and every week, on my drive home, two or three days a week, there’s a section of a

neighborhood where I drive by a little toddler in nothing but a diaper, riding a razor like scooter up



and down the sidewalk and or the street. Several times I simply come to a stop and let him pass

me while I search for some sort of parental supervision on one of the porches. Have never once

seen an adult out there watching…. several other young kids, but never an adult.

I just can’t fathom telling my 3 year old still in diapers “Go out front and play.” AND IN THE

STREET NO LESS ! ! !

Those sort of parents have no business raising a kid. Those sort of parents should be publicly

beaten like a rented mule!

Child Abducted – Child Drowns in Family Pool – Child Wonders Off – Child Struck in Busy Street

– Child Dies in Hot Car – and on and on and on. And when it happens, we’re supposed to be all

sad and “what a tragedy!” and “oh the poor parents!”. . . yeah r i t e.

Reminds me of the time when I was on an outback camping trip and while hiking to our camp

spot, our rented pack mule stopped dead on the railroad track refusing to budge. Along comes a

train and the mule still refused to move. BIG leather strap hanging off the saddle… I wasn’t

ABOUT to lose my gear, this mule, or take a chance of de-railing the train. Let’s just leave it atthis: Me and that leather strap convinced that mule to move.

Slacker Parents Need To Be Beaten Like Rented Mules.

What is Art?

Posted at drdansartclinic.com

What is art? A three word question with an almost infinite word answer. In my mind, the first thing

I think of is the old masters, and yeah - the Mona Lisa (love the header design!). But that's not the

right answer. Defining art? You could make a career of it! Look around you... pretty much

everything your eyes fall upon has been on an artist’s drawing board at one time or another. The

coffee mug: wasn't just thrown together and hope for the best - no, some designer most likely had

a vision of what they wanted the final product to look like and sketched it. Then maybe sculpted

one from clay and a mold was made of it. That beautiful picture frame: Some designer sketched

out a rough idea, refined it, and eventually sent it out for production. Graphic Artist, Designers,

Cartoonists, Architects, Dancers, Singers, Song Writers, Poets, Writers of movies and TV shows,

Sculptors, every type of performer you've ever seen - They are all Artist. They take an idea and

manifest it into a tangible product you can see, touch, hear and feel that will illicit some sort of

emotion from all who come in contact with it. . . and this part will blow your mind: Everything in

this world has for an ancestor, an idea. And an "idea" begins as an electrical spark in the human

mind...(Where does that spark come from?)



SHUT YOUR FREAKING PIE HOLES!

Are you blind, stupid, or just naturally a rude ass hole?! I'm talking to those of you who think it's

perfectly fine to talk and carry on a conversation while a movie is playing. Not in a theater, no. I'm

talking about one playing at home on the DVD.

Wife and I are sitting there, enjoying a long awaited movie - enter one of many people: son,

sister, neighbor.... "Hey guys! blah blah blah freakin' blah..." This does NOT bother my wife. "for

cryin' out loud honey, hit pause", she'll say.

I DON'T WANT to hit pause. These people NEVER have anything important to say, it's always

some B.S. blather that could have easily waited until we were done with our movie or program...

but nooooo, pause is hit, and I have to sit there and listen to Charlie Browns mother "Waa wa

wah wah waa wa...."

My in-laws: They are the WORST. They will carry on a conversation throughout the entire

program / movie. I AM SERIOUS... entire thing! And then they'll have the audacity to tell you a

movie they rented was "Sooo good!" This is my very favorite story on them and this subject:

Happened several years ago when Mr. Hollands Opus first hit the shelves. We were over to their

house for dinner and after mom says "Ohhhh, hey - do you guys wanna watch a really good

movie? We haven't returned it yet and we'd love to watch it again... Have you heard of Mr. Opus

goes to Holland?..." I rest my case. Hysterical.

Me (on several occasions) to my friends and family, "WOULD YOU PLEASE SHUT YOUR

FREAKING PIE HOLES?!?! If you need to speak wait until a break in the program and say 'pause

please' and we will pause and listen to what you have to say." But NO. They ignore me time and

time again. I want to yank their tongues from their mouths!

Ninety Nine Cents

For tickingmeoff.com

http://tickingmeoff.com/

http://tickingmeoff.com/



99 cents. Really?! NOT a dollar, but 99 cents. 95, 98, and 99 cents. WHY MUST RETAILERS DO

THIS?!? The common answer is "Well, they can claim it's -less than 4 dollars, it's $3.99! And it

also registers in our minds that way too, it's less than 4 dollars" I say "BULL SHIT!!!" We

humans, as a group or as individuals, haven't figured this out over the last few decades? Come

on, ROUND IT UP ALREADY! Forget all this nonsense about the cents already!

Just how stupid do retailers think we consumers are? There's even a NINETY NINE CENT

STORE. For cryin' out loud, are you serious?!?! IT'S A FREAKIN' DOLLAR STORE, OK?!?!

YEAH, in my head I thought "WOW, everything in THAT store is LESS than a DOLLAR!!!" What I

really thought was "Everything in that store is a dollar PLUS 7 cents tax on each dollar I

spend..." (Yes, I can do math in my head!) Come on now, think outside the box marketing people

- come up with another way to trick us into buying your product... the 99 cent thing is a dead

horse, and has been for decades.

Crossword Puzzles

I've always considered crossword puzzles to be bubble gum for the brain. They are published in

pretty much every newspaper, every single day of the week. The New York World newspaper

published the very first crossword puzzle way back in 1912 or 13 I think. Waiting for a bus or a

plane? Go buy a paper and do the crossword - great fun. I believe the humble crossword puzzle

gave birth to word jumbles, word searches and those oh so hard cryptic crossword puzzles. Then

of course there's the ever popular board game Scrabble which is based on the crossword puzzle.

It’s a great way to keep your vocabulary skills nice and sharp. I love crossword puzzles! In the

same section of the paper (at least in mine) the puzzles with 'Increase Your Vocabulary'. I find it

very...very...very...good.

Life After Death

"Do you believe in life after death?" If you answered yes, then what we're experiencing right nowisn't it. What we're experiencing right now is a temporary earthly and flesh existences where we

gain knowledge and wisdom we will use in the next realm of existence. This I learned from my

surrogate mother, Aunt Peggy.

She was terminally ill with emphysema. My wife and I moved her out of the nursing home she

was in and into our house. “When she dies, it won't be in that place - it'll be with people she

knows and loves.”, this was our thinking. My employer allowed me as much time off as I needed.



For the next 3 weeks I basically never left her side. We converted our living room into her room.

We watched TV, I read to her, and we talked about all sorts of topics. One in particular was "What

is Heaven Going to be Like?" And many times she told me "If it's allowed, I will come back and

give you a sign of some sort that I am here".

2 months after she had passed on...

It was late at night and my wife kissed me good night. I was staying up late since it was a Friday

and there was some good stuff coming up on TV. The only light on in the house was there in the

living room, a side lamp and the TV's glow. My wife had been in bed a little over an hour. In the

short hallway between the living room and the dining room was the door to our laundry room. The

laundry room door had a very distinctive sound when it was opened. It was air tight and had a

wooshing sound when you opened it. The light switch to this room was around the corner in the

dining room, not in the laundry room at all. The laundry room also had an exit door to the outside.It was a very sticky and hard door to open and if you weren't familiar with its goofy combination,

you wouldn't be able to open it. So there is the set up to this ghost story.

It's after midnight and I'm sitting watch TV. I hear the swoosh of the laundry door opening. I turn

and look, I see the light come on. I pay no attention, figuring my wife couldn't sleep she'd gotten

up and was going to do some laundry. After 30 seconds or so I hear no washing machine start, I

hear nothing. I get up to investigate what the heck my wife is up to. Laundry room is empty. I

check the exit door, still locked. I walk back to the bedroom to check, there's my wife sound

asleep on our water bed. She is surrounded by our three cats, all are fast asleep and the water bed is completely motionless. An alarm goes off in my head - we have an intruder! I grab my

pistol from next to the bed and call out to my wife "Debbie, get up! We have an intruder in the

house!"

She leaps out of bed all wide eyed and she too grabs her pistol. The two of us sweep every inch

of our single story house. She and I had been out to dinner that night. I'm thinking, when we got

home we surprised a burglar and he hid in one of our spare rooms waiting for a chance to sneak

out. But no. All doors and windows were secure. House was clean. Then, standing in the living

room, we noticed it. The laundry room light was ON, but the switch was in the OFF position. My

wife walks over and flips the switch on, the light stayed on. Then she switched it to the OFF

position and the light went off. . . wow. We both felt the goose bumps come up on our skin...

"Do you think this was Aunt Peggy sending the sign she talked about?" my wife asked.



"That's the only thing I can think of...." I answered. We stood there completely silent, pondering

the possibilities. I felt a very cool breeze begin at my feet and begin to swirl up and around me. I

shut my eyes and tried to focus my thoughts on Aunt Peggy. It lasted no more that 15 seconds

and I opened my eyes to see the same thing begin with my wife. She opened her eyes and we

both fell into each other’s arms and began to cry. Not sad tears, but happy ones . . . message

received.

For the Love of Boating

For as long as I can remember, I've been a boat guy. Oddly enough, my 5 years in the U.S. Navy

- I was never stationed on a boat - go figure. But still. . . I just love being on the water. Wooden

Boats?!? I've never owned one of those. I've wanted to, but they just require so much TLC for

maintenance. I'm a lazy boat owner. I'd much rather enjoy my boat (a 28' pontoon) and when

done simply hose it off. Don't get me wrong here, I LOVE wooden boats. They’re just not

something I'd wanna own.

Anybody who's ever owned a boat has heard the funny old saying "The happiest day of your life

is when you buy your boat...the second happiest day of your life is when you sell it." It’s funny, but

not true. In the last 25 years I've never been without a boat. I can't imagine not being a boat

owner. The saddest thing I think I ever cast my eyes upon is a boat that's been sitting for years,

never used and rotting away.

Doing My Part for a Greener Planet

Here's one of the things I'm doing to save water. At night, when nature calls, I pee in my back

yard. On any given night, I do this 8 - 10 times. My wife HATES it. She claims it to be completely

vulgar. It's OK for my two dogs to pee in the backyard, but if I do it, it's vulgar?! It's not like I'm

doing it where people might walk or see or anything. It's a section off the side of our patio where

nobody goes - well, except for me.

Two gallons of water to flush a half a cup of pee?! That's crazy! I have a nice, grassy beautifulbackyard. Nobody can see what I'm doing; it's all nice and discrete. Doesn't kill any grass. . .

what's the big deal?! Let's do the math: I pee 10 times a night in my back yard. Had I done it in

my toilet, I'd have used 20 gallons of water to dispose of 5 cups of pee. In a years’ time I've saved

7,300 gallons of water!!! That's more water then what's in my swimming pool!

THAT is a lot of water! (and I saved it!).

You ladies can join in on this water saving idea, check out this product: www.go-girl.com

http://www.go-girl.com/





Religion and earthworms

Religion . . . it’s a very touchy topic. I'm going to maybe anger a few people with this article, not

my intention, but it's just human nature that things I'm going to say will piss off some of you.

Personally, I'm a fundamentalist Christian. And the most common question I get with that

statement is "What's a fundamentalist Christian?" That's a person who reads the bible and

makes up their own mind on what's what. And the bible is not a novel to be read in a weekend.

It's an adventure to be explored in a life time. It's the 'owner’s manual' to your soul. I am a

member of no church. I was ordained a Reverend by the World Christianship Ministries. I have no

"Flock" that I preach to. I perform marriages, baptisms, and funerals. These are all done with

knowledge I've acquired from reading the bible.

Do I believe everything I read in the bible? Absolutely not. Not literally. Most of what is written in

the bible is done in simile format - telling a story that is similar to what really happened but in a

way anybody can understand or grasp a moral lesson from it. Keep in mind religion is a man

made thing, and man is imperfect. Therefore, any religion you may want to follow is imperfect.

And here in the modern world in which we live, these imperfections have reared their ugly heads

in so many horrible ways. The most famous in recent years would be 9-11-2001. Done in the

name of religion, 3,000 people were butchered. (oh yeah, sure. That's what God wants - mass

murder of your fellow man).

And look at the sports figures who during an interview give thanks to God for giving them their

victory. (oh yeah, you betcha! - God LOVES basketball... LOVES the Bulls. Divine intervention so

you can have the trophy . . . y e a h.)

There's a religious Christian sect that believes to prove ones trust in God, you must dance with

poisonous snakes!

And on and on and on the list of fools go. Some yahoo gets it in their head that God wants this or

God wants that and they convince others that if YOU don't believe it then you're destined for the

Lake of Fire. It's been going on since the dawn of man, it will continue until the end. Its human

nature I believe. Human, singular, as in one person: Highly intelligent entities. But get them in a

group they have a tendency to be raving idiots.

I'll leave you with one last thought. The biggest problem with most people is they have a wallet

sized photo view of who and what God is, when in reality the entire universe cannot contain who



and what He is. Comparing our intellect with His is like comparing an earthworm’s intellect with a

humans.

Ranchers Wife

(rancherswife.com) I HAD TO write an article for this site. The character writing this story is based

on my aunt Betty, a classic Ranchers Wife…

First posting

I'll be damned; I guess my nephew's right. The internet does have something for everybody! For

the last several months my nephew's been getting me up to speed on computers and the internet.

I've been a Ranchers Wife for almost 40 years. My husband and I own a ranch (our second) here

in southern Arizona.

My life as a Ranchers Wife has been the love of my life. I was born and raised a city slicker. My

family was very well to do and I grew up with a stable of horses I could ride any time I wanted. I

rode pretty much every day. (and still try to) As a kid, I always would pretend I was way out west

rounding up cattle. Western cowboy and Indian movies were always my favorite and anything

with John Wayne in it was sure to be watched by me. I always had fantasy's of meeting and

falling in love with a John Wayne type of man. To make a long story short - I met Nathan in the

spring of 1971 and we were married that Christmas. He already owned a ranch in New Mexico

and that's where my education in ranching began. Of course all that border security bull shit is

plastered everywhere on the internet and TV, I won't comment on it, only to say 'common sense

is common sense'. I will comment on something you all might not be aware of: Rustling of cattle

still goes on. At any given time, we have a good 5,000 head roaming our ranch. Today's rustler

only takes them one or two at a time. Usually butchers them on the spot with an electric chain

saw. We usually find one to two a week. Once we found 14 in one spot, what a mess!

Post Second

I said I wasn't going to comment on the border issue and the whole 1070 bill. I think it's time for

me to change my mind on that. Most of the crap that goes on down here on our border ranches in

regards to this, goes completely UN-reported on the news. I haven't a clue as to why, only that it

doesn't. Here's what happened to me last week. (I haven't left the main house area since. Our

ranch is about a half a mile from the Mexican border.)

"Obtener ella!!! Obtener el caballo!!!" Those are the words I heard being yelled. It's Mexican for

"Get her! Get the Horse!" Where the sound was coming from I don't know. I was on horseback in



a dry sandy wash, looking for one of our puppies I saw come this way. Molly was the horse I was

riding and she's a champion barrel racer. When I heard the shout to "get her" I spun Molly in a

tight circle there in the sandy river bottom. That's when I saw them, 2 Mexican men running down

the side of the embankment at me. I spun Molly in the opposite direction and gave her the "Full

speed ahead" nudge. She shot up the other side of the bank like a rocket only to be met at the

top by a third Mexican. He grabbed Molly by the reins as we topped the embankment. Molly was

at full torque and the Mexican was thrown about ten feet. Molly lost her footing and stumbled to a

stop almost throwing me. We got our balance back just when the thrown man was about to grab

her again. I grabbed my lasso, swung it high and came down as hard as I could and hit the son-

of-a-bitch in the side of the head and face. The other two were coming up the embankment as

their amigo let out a scream. Once again, the Full Speed Ahead nudge and we were outa there in

a cloud of dust!

Molly and I were back on our own property in 30 seconds and coming to a stop at the main housein another 30 seconds.

All who work for us (there are 9 of us all together) work with side arms within reach. I had a 9mm

automatic on my hip but didn't have time to use it. My husband Nathan and 2 of our hired hands

were on horses and back out looking for the 3 ambushers within minutes. I went inside and called

the border patrol. They were there in 10 min. They found nobody after a 2 hour search. Sunset

came, they left. Me, Nathan and the boys went to town for dinner. Hey, all in a day’s work right?

Let me toss out some hypothetical questions. What were these 3 Mexicans willing to do had they

gotten me off my horse? What would have happened had I shot and killed all three? Would thenews outlets have run the story of the ranchers wife who was raped and murdered? You KNOW

they would have run the story of the ranchers wife who shot and killed three poor, innocent,

undocumented workers simply looking for a drink of water.

This is simply unacceptable! It's 2010 for cryin' out loud. I have to work my ranch armed?!?! Keep

dragging your feet on this HUGE problem Mr. President. You've got HUNDREDS of ranchers and

ranch workers ready to go Old School Wild West down here. Keep ignoring it and poor, innocent,

undocumented workers are gonna turn up missing.

Making Money with a Yard Sale

How to make a serious ball of cash. Yard Sale. But don't call it a yard sale, call it an "Estate

Sale", it sounds better. It rings of "Somebody died and we don't want this stuff anymore."



(Serious! More people will stop.) When going through your house, here are some of the criteria to

use: "The Year of Non Use". If you haven't worn it in over a year, sell it. Non worn shoes - sell

em'! Items from your garage you've not used in over a year - sell. Kitchen gadgets and utensils

you've not used in over a year - SELL. SERIOUSLY. People get so attached to the stupidest

things. Some gizmo that's been in the very back of the bottom cabinet for five years gathering

dust, and it gets pulled out for a yard sale. Some husband or wife will come along and get all

misty eyed over the thought of selling it. GET OVER IT. Sell it!

The last yard sale my wife and I had: We'd been saying we were going to do it for about three or

four years. We finally did it. We'd been in the current house for 12 years, bought it brand new. Of

course we brought a bunch of our old junk from our old house. Old junk, new junk, we sold it all!

"One mans junk is another mans treasure". as the old saying goes. We spent one weekend

gathering items we wanted to sell and placing them in the garage. (Our cars for the next five days

were parked in the drive way, we needed the space!). And then the next five days we casually

added to our cache of junk. The very next weekend we had our "Estate Sale". Saturday andSunday. When the dust had settled, we had cleared almost $600!!!

For the Love of Motorcycles

I love motorcycles! I sold my last one about eight years ago. Why? Little voice in my head told me

to. In a two week period, I was struck by four birds and had two incredibly close calls with cars.

So I sold it and bought a convertible. Still love em' though! I'm very partial to the low slung

cruisers. A motorcycle that really caught my attention recently was Batman's motorcycle from

"Dark Knight". For all those Batman geeks out there let me clarify that - It's a "Bat-Pod", not a

motorcycle. As cool as it looks, in real life there's no way in hell it could maneuver they way it did

in the movie. Those fat fat fat tires just won't let it do those things, so says physics. I'm pretty sure

that Batman's motorcycle - oops, sorry - Bat-Pod was modeled from a concept bike that Chrysler

put out a few years ago called the Dodge Tomahawk. What a bad-ass bike! Saw one in person at

the Barrett-Jackson car show a few years ago...WOW! The Tomahawk can do what the Bat-Pod

can not do - maneuver effectively. Unfortunately, the Tomahawk had too many issues for

Chrysler to begin full blown production, so it was scraped after only seven being built. The price

tag on those seven was $500,000 each! Some of the stats on this monster: Viper V-10

powerhouse. 0-60 in 2.6 seconds. Estimated top end of 400mph! Yeah, very cool bikes!

Golf Oil Spill

My sister posed the following question to a family group via email....



What is likely to happen with all that oil once the hurricanes hit??? Anyone heard? Scary

shit!!

My Reply

No, I haven't heard yet. What I know about the science of hurricanes is that the surface of the

Gulf will now be raised in temp. by a few degree's. This in turn will make for a more powerful

storm. The storm will pass over the spill, sucking up quite a lot of the surface sludge. Said surface

sludge will be atomized by the hurricanes internal forces. Once atomized, it will be dispersed over

a quarter of the U.S. . . . .this is what I predict.

People will be coming outdoors the day after a really cloudy day and night "because of the

hurricane down in the Gulf" - all their stuff is going to be coated in a thin layer of cruide oil.

Slipping and sliding all over the place. People will be thinking "OH, I can drive on this!", crashes

all over the place... And eventually this surface oil will get ignited. . . I don't even wanna thinkabout that.... Boy Scout mode is my advice.

Techno History

Technically speaking, where have we come from and where are we headed? Personally, I find

that question a fascinating evenings discussion. Certainly Hollywood's tackled it as well as

countless authors... here's my take on it:

I'm in my early fifty's. When I was a kid, music was all about the 45's and LP's. Then came the 8

track player and the incredibly popular and versatile cassette player. For those of you younger

readers, a "45" was a "record". It was about 7 inches wide and had one song on one side and a

second song on the "flip side". An LP was a record as well, but it was a "Long Play", 12" wide

with maybe 6 songs on each side. This LP was the original "Album" release.

Everybody knows what a Jukebox is, right. Today's model is usually packed with a couple

hundred or so CD's on them. But back in the day when they were all the craze and you could get

3 plays for a quarter - there were maybe 200 of those 45's I was talking about earlier, each with a

flip side. Total of 400 songs on a Jukebox. . .

That was all 30+ years ago.



Today - 5 thousand songs can be stored and listened to on a devise the size of a playing card

and 1/8th of an inch thick! They weigh a couple of ounces, and with the right head phones or

speakers plugged in produce amazing sound quality!

This devise. . . this AMAZING devise - you can take a photo with it, shoot a video with it, find the

answer to any posed question, and place a call to your friend on the other side of the planet! You

can watch television programs and even rent movies to watch on these wonderful little marvels.

AND. . . you can store pretty much every song you've ever heard on the thing! The iPhone. There

are lots of knock offs of the iPhone too.

We as a society (it seems to me) are already taking these amazing multi-media devises for

granted. Just another random devise we use to maintain our lifestyle. We shouldn't though. We

are truly bless to have these little gems in our lives.... those and flat screen HD TV's. I own a 54"

monster - LOVE IT. I remember being a toddler, Saturday morning sitting in front of our black andwhite 16" tube TV eating cereal and watching cartoons. And I remember dad bringing home the

newest technology. . . a COLOR T.V. !!!

Comparing my youth "techno world" with my adult "techno world" - it's like living on another

planet!

Movie Review: Kangaroo Jack

My eight year old was staying home from school with a high fever, and I being the one with the

more flexible schedule stayed home with him. When his DayQwill kicked in he began with the

begging. Begging for a Pay Per View. Kangaroo Jack - it was a MUST SEE from his classmates,

and his pleading and begging did the trick. We rented it. I remember seeing the previews on TV

and didn't think much of it. I thought it was a Roger Rabbit sort of movie, but soon found out it

was nothing of the sort!

Kangaroo Jack - starring: Jerry O'Connell, Anthony Anderson (I love this guy, he's a riot!), Estella

Warren, and Christopher Walken.

Charlie & Louis (O'Connell & Anderson) are lifelong friends. Charlies step dad is a big time

mobster and "lent" his step son the money to open his own hair salon. Step dad Sal (Walken)

pockets all the profits from this salon, leaving Charlie with just a few buck in his pockets. Louis,

he's a player. Always on the cruise for a new scam of some sort that will put him on "easy street".

His scams never work and Louis always seems to get his best friend Charlie involved somehow.



Louis's current scam ends up with he and Charlie accidentally pulling mob boss (& step father)

Sal smack into the middle of things. And this brings the police knocking on Salvatore Maggio's

(aka Sal) door. Sal does not like this, not at all. In fact it is the absolute last straw with these two

losers. He sends the two friends to Australia on an errand. This trip to Australia is where the

majority of the movie takes place.

My son was right, I LOVED this movie. Hysterical! Scale of 1 - 10, I'd give it a 9

Hunting

Hunting. It goes back to the very dawn of man. Even before fire. But fire eventually came on the

scene and things progressively got much better! By whatever means, and there are countless of

ways to hunt, man has always hunted. We hunt for meat. Meat to cook over flames. Cooking

methods, like hunting methods, seem to be endless.

Do you remember your first time hunting?

I remember mine. It was the day after Christmas, 1967, I was 10. For Christmas, my father got

me a 20 gauge Sears single shot shotgun. Dad had left the instruction on shooting, hunting and

gun safety to one of my older brothers George. He was 17 and the "great white hunter" of our

family. He spent most of the day on Christmas teaching me about my new gun. Around sunset,

we went out to our back yard for my first time shooting a real gun. George and I in nothing but our

long johns, hats and snow boots. The snow was only about 6 inches deep, but the cold was

biting. About a dozen shots I took at items George tossed out for me. Missed most, hit a few.

After 5 minutes or so, we could take no more of the cold and went back inside. We spent the rest

of our night planning the next days hunt. Pheasant.

It was a long, cold gloomy day. We'd been walking farmers’ fields for hours it seemed. We were

preparing to cross a wire fence, George was about to set his shotgun down when a beautiful

pheasant took off almost straight up into the air, about 20 yards from us. George calls out

"Pheasant!" and lifted his gun. I spun and raised mine. George’s hands were so cold he couldn't

pull his hammer back. . . BOOM! It was his 10 year old little brother who dropped that bird.

George and I never really hung out back then. I was a goofy little brother seven years his junior. I

was in 4th or 5th grade, he was a senior. I'd never been hunting, he'd been hundreds of times.



Dad had told him he had to break me in on hunting and he did as he was told. He was my older

brother and I dearly wanted his acceptance and approval. The two of us were hootin' and hollarin'

as we approached the bird. He hugged and shook me in a manly sort of way saying "NICE

shootin' Harry, NICE shootin!" That's when he told me his fingers were too cold to cock his

shotgun. Rubbing my head, knocking my hat off he said "I'm proud of ya baby brother, you'll

make me look good with dad! Let's take this thing home and I'll show you how to clean it" and off

we went. We had it for dinner that night. What a great memory. . .

.

Wooden Boats

The only way this old boat is getting restored is within a computer! Maybe you've heard of it. It's

one of the most important archeological finds of the century! The Dover Bronze Age Boat. It sits

on display in the Dover Museum in Dover, England. It was discovered in 1992, buried.

Since it's discovery, they've preserved the 3,500 year old relic and put it on display for all to

enjoy. The level of skill and craftsmanship in the construction of this boat is mind boggling! It was

constructed with at least 6 oak timbers, tied together with yew wood. All of the joints are

reinforced with a thin lath of oak with moss pushed into all joints. The two main planks were

secured with wedges pounded through a central rail and a line of cleats. This old boat is big too!

Although the whole boat was not completely recovered, they estimate that more than HALF was

recovered. By what remains of it, the estimate size of it was about 65' long by a little over 8'

wide! . . This boat was in operation when Stonehenge was under construction!

Photo courtesy of Dover Museum. Photograph by Andrew Savage



Fitness

TrimGymFit.com

Do you member Jack Lalanne? You know he's STILL alive (and kicking too!) He's 96 years old!

Yeah, Ninety Six! I'm 52 years old. I can remember watching The Jack LaLanne Show as atoddler. I'd do all the exercises along with him with mom watching on and laughing. She told me

as an adult that she had a big crush on Jack LaLanne "Back in those days".

Wow, Jack Lalanne. 96. How'd he get his start?

In 1954 at age 40, he swam the length of the San Francisco Golden Gate Bridge underwater

with 140 pounds of equipment, including two air tanks... an undisputed world record still to this

day! "The Godfather of Fitness".

Remember the other guy from the back of the comic books? Yeah, Charles Atlas. (I think he was

even before Jack Lalanne’s time!)

That ad in the back of the comic books: This ad campaign featuring Atlas's name and likeness

and a short comic. And it has been described as one of the longest-lasting and most memorable

ad campaigns of all time. It's still being run too! Here's how it originally ran...



"Mac," is accosted on the beach by a sand-kicking bully while his date watches. Humiliated, the

young man goes home and, after kicking a chair and gambling a ten-cent stamp, subscribes to

Atlas's "Dynamic-Tension" program. Later, the now muscular protagonist goes back to the

beach and beats up the bully, becoming the "hero of the beach." His girl returns while other

females marvel at how big his muscles are. (An earlier but otherwise almost identical version,

"How Joe's Body Brought Him Fame Instead of Shame," debuted in the 1940s). . . In the late 60's

or early 70's I too remember ordering Charles's program.

"Dynamic-Tension", I think that's what the Trim Gym is based on. . . right?

Charles Atlas died in 1972 at the age of 80. Heart attack (after his morning jog). Heart disease

ran in his family. Those are a couple of things I think about when I'm doing my Trim Gym routines.

. . .

History and Future of “Cars”

Where do you think the future of the automobile is headed? I see more and more alternate fuels

being used, and electric is getting popular. For ease of math I'll go back to 1910, 100 years ago,

and I see most people still using horse drawn carriage's to get around town. But also I see this

new vehicle here and there, drawing small crowds where ever you might see one parked. They

had sever names for them back then - "Auto Mobeel" and a "Horseless Carriage". Others called

them Monstrosities, Calamities, and the like. There was even talk about outlawing the things! But

they did indeed "catch on", and with Henry Ford invention of the assembly line and the Model

T. . . A whole new industry was created.

These new toys ran on "gas-o-leen", a bi product of crude oil. The more cars that were sold, the

more gasoline needed to be produced. A whole new World Economic Powerhouse was created.

Petroleum. One hundred years ago.

One hundred years from now. 2110. Your grandchildren (if they're still alive) are now senior

citizens. What are they driving around in? What powers it? Have we reverted back to the horse

and carriage? Is there "speeder" like vehicles like in Star Wars? (Those were cool!) Are there

floating / hovering Segway-like personal chariots? Who knows? Oughta be cool whichever way it

goes!

Why’s It Called “Golf”?



Is that "Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden" stuff true? You know, the acronym for GOLF. I've

heard it over and over again over the years. Here's what I found out with a bit of research:

Complete hog-wash. The word Golf is an ancient word coming from the Dutch word "kolf", a

generic word for stick, club or mallet. Games similar to golf have been around since the days of

the roman empire! The version we all know and love today dates back to about 1550 the famous

St. Andrews course was constructed. 1550. Over 450 years ago, people were playing golf! The

very same game we play today! Here are some of the other things going on in the world 450 or so

years ago:

1541: Explorer Juan Ponce de Leon of Spain, landed on the coast of Florida.

1550: Chocolate introduced to the world.

1564 William Shakespeare is born in Stratford-upon-Avon, England; Galileo is born in Pisa, Italy.

1565: The Spanish settled in St. Augustine, Florida - the first permanent European colony inAmerica....

...and somewhere in Europe, a group of guys got together to knock back a few and played a

round of golf! 18 holes with pretty much the same rules we use today!

Cave Man Golf

Cave Man Golf. It's a game I invented years ago while on a camping trip in the tall pines of

Northern Arizona. Everybody had to construct their own club out of a nicely shaped tree limb. The

woods are full of fallen branches and it's just a matter of taking a walk, looking for one. Once the

stick is found, it's taken back to where the fire pit is. Everybody sits around the pit and whittles

their club into a crude golf club. And you're only allowed one club.

And you're gonna need some balls. They're lying all over the place: Pine cones.

First up - practice on the driving range. Maybe a bit more whittling and carving.

Next, lay out your course. Instead of sinking it in a hole, you must hit a certain tree. "100 yards

from that tree down there with the orange ribbon on it - par 4". We'll lay out 9 of them and go

round twice. Hole 18 is always into somebody’s open tent door.

You may think it sounds goofy, but you just won't believe how much fun it is. Especially if you're a

person who loves to play golf. Great fun for the kids to get in on too!

The Doughnut Harvest



I'm taking all the credit. It was MY idea, MY practical joke. It was 1977, I was home on leave from

the Navy and was staying with my sister and her two daughters Heather and Danna. Heather was

5 and Danna 3.

First morning there, Danna and I were having breakfast together. Cereal. Danna was telling me

how much she loved her Fruit Loops cereal and asked if I loved them as much as she did. "I do

love them honey, they're wonderful! Ya know all they are is doughnut seeds."

"Doughnut seeds?! Really?!?!" she exclaimed with astonishment.

"Yep, simple as that. Doughnut seeds".

And sure enough after breakfast, Danna takes a handful of Fruit Loops outside. I pretended not to

be paying any attention to her as she hurried out to the back yard. I spied on her as she planted

her seeds. Later on in the day I took a trip to the Home Depot and picked up 3 small plants. 1 was

about 6 inches, the second about 12, and the third being a very small tree seedling.

That night as Danna slept, I planted the six inch. The next morning before breakfast, Danna

rushed outside and I heard "Uncle Harry, uncle Harry, come quick!"Out the back door I rushed and listened to her excited explanation of what she had done.

"Yesterday I planted some Fruit Loops, I mean doughnut seeds, and look. . .!" she said pointing

at the little plant I had planted the night before.

"WOW! Very cool! Maybe we'll have some fresh doughnuts for breakfast before I have to go back

to San Diego, huh?!"

I let 2 nights pass before I replaced the six incher with the twelve inch. And then, the night before

I had to leave, I planted the little sapling and headed for the Dunkin Doughnuts for something to

"harvest".

It was still dark out when I finished loading our little doughnut tree, so I went back to bed. I waswoken very gently by my little niece. She was beaming from ear to ear and holding a platter of

doughnuts. "Look-it Uncle Harry.... the doughnut tree bloomed!"

I've been telling this story for 23 years. Danna's all grown with a teenage daughter. My sister took

the doughnut seed idea and did some arts and crafts stuff with it and eventually posted it on the

internet when the internet was just a baby. Today, if you google "Doughnut Seeds" you'll find

quite a lot of hits. . . I'm taking all the credit. It was MY idea, MY practical joke.

Clunker Cars

We've all seen them. Heck, maybe some of us owned one. . . maybe some of you own one today!

I'm talking about "Clunkers", Junkers, Beaters, P.O.S.'s, Rattle Trap cars. You know the ones:

Looks like it's pushin' 200 thousand miles, 2 shades of primer in ten different places, dents

galore, no hub caps, 4 different color rusty rims, coat hanger antenna, a little or a lot of smoke

rolling up around the sagging ass end. . . yeah, that one.



Every time I see one, what comes to mind first is "At some point in time, that car was brand new

and the pride and joy of some lucky person or family." Somebody worked hard, had a bit of

money in the bank, good credit, and they finally bought their very first brand - new - car . Drove it

home, wife and kids oooh-ing and aaaah-ing, going out to dinner in it for the first time. . .

Each and every car out there starts out in this brand spanking new state. And eventually, humans

being the way they are, they start to deteriorate from neglect, lack of funds for proper repairs, for

whatever reason. Some of us are obsessively meticulous at maintaining the original beauty of our

new car. . . Some of us are just the opposite. Some of us are the "Hitlers" of car maintenance.

"Use em', abuse em' and loose em'!" Depending on the manufacturer, some cars hold up well to

the abuse, some do not. The ones that don't - scrap yard. The ones that do hold up - well, you

see em' every day. Under the control of their 10th owner as they chug down the road. . . "I think I

can, I think I can, I think I can. . . ."

Golf Cheaters

Lots of golfers just don't realize they're doing it. And when you point out they've missed a few

strokes on their score card, they get all pissy and tell you that you don't know what you're talking

about. Other people (you know who you are) do know they cheat, and I point out that the only

person you're cheating is yourself! I know a guy who cheats SO bad that the one time he got a

hole in one - he marked himself down for a zero!

Here are a few things golfers ignore when marking down their score:

Sand Trap. On your set up of the chip shot out of the trap, if your club touches the sand in ANY

way, it's a stroke. The only time your club can touch the sand is on your swing to chip the ball out.

Drop you club as you walk through the sand to your ball? It's a stroke. Barley touch the sand with

your club head as you take aim - IT'S A STROKE!

Touching your ball. Once you tee off, you're not allowed to physically touch or move your ball until

you're on the green ready to putt. The only way your ball can move (even in the most minuet

amount) is being hit by your club. Case in point: You're sitting in the middle of the fairway, a small

leaf is sitting right in front of you ball, it's even touching your ball. You bend down and move the

leaf, you ball moves 1/32nd of an inch . . . that's a stroke. OR: Your ball is sitting under a tumble

weed. You pick up the tumble weed to move it and your ball moves - stoke. OR: Your ball rests

against the cart path curb. You move it a clubs length away as not to injure you club or the path -

YOU MUST MARK IT DOWN AS A STROKE!



Made Up Rules: My golfing buddies and I have made up these rules to make the game even

MORE fun. Mulligan’s - They cost $5.00 each. You may purchase only 5 per 18 holes played. All

moneys go into a pool and are claimed by the person in your group with the lowest score that

day.

Bad Tee Shot: If on teeing off your ball goes no further than the woman's tee off line, you must

take your second tee shot with your pants around your ankles. And while we're on this subject,

proper scoring on this shot goes like this: (Mulligan’s withstanding) That first shot you hacked: A

stroke. Bringing it back to have another go at it: A stoke (even though you simply walked over,

picked it up, walked back and set it on the tee again....it's a stroke!). And now you’re sitting Three.

This is your THIRD shot.

If you're going to play the game, learn the rules. (And DON’T tell a person who’s been playing thegame for 30+ years they don’t know what they’re talking about) Plain and simple - Honor,

integrity, character, that's what scoring golf is all about. It's your "word".

Arizona Watermelon

Watermelons. . . EXCEPTIONAL Watermelons: Extremely rare here in Arizona.

They use to be pretty common back in the late 70's and early 80's. The only thing

you can find now in the grocery produce section are the so called "seedless"

ones. They're a little bigger than a cantaloupe, and they usually are on the bland

side. Pretty and red-ish pink when you slice them in half. Take a bite out of the

middle and your heart just sinks... they're bland! They're genetically altered so

the seeds are white and edible. (They’re not really seedless).

I judge a watermelon on a scale of 1 to 10. I can't remember the last time I ate a

10. The highest I've had in the last 4 years is a 7. I grew up in Indiana, the land of

the perfect watermelon. 10's were common. (corn too, but that's another story).My teenage son went back to Indiana for the summer to visit family. He'd never

tasted a perfect 10 watermelon before. Second day there he called home to chat.

I asked him what he had for dinner and he laid out all the stuff his aunt and uncle



had made. He then told me of the amazing watermelon he'd just finished. "I know

what you're talking about now dad, it was amazing!"

After hanging up, I pondered what he had said. I grabbed the car keys and asked

the wife if there was anything she needed from the grocery. "What are you goingdown there for?" she asked.

"Watermelon. Gotta have one!" I said.

"Pick a good one! Good luck!"

I picked a 6. Grade level here in Arizona: C. Grade level back in Indiana: A+

Whatever happened to the good old fashioned, big, oblong watermelon with

black seeds you'd spit at each other? You can't find one here in Arizona! Looks

like I'm going to have to get some seeds and grow my own.

Interior Decorating.

It sounds so . . . so . . . so expensive! Well, yes I guess it is. But really, are you

planning on re-decorating a bathroom, or are you re-DOING a kitchen? Every

aspect of a dwellings live-ability depends on Interior Decorating. Let's get rid of

the stereotypical, limp wrist girlie-man right here at the start of this, ok. It's stupid,

and it's also not in the least bit true. You have a living space that needs a make-

over. Why? The reasons seem endless: You're absolutely sick of the orange

shag carpet and 60's era wood panels. If you look at it ONE MORE DAY, your

head will explode! Maybe you just bought the house and it was perfect, with the

exception of the bathroom. Or maybe a monster storm blew through town and

tore the roof off your kitchen and completely wiped it out.

Whatever the case, you've now got some planning to do. Let's take that tore up

kitchen. Your wife always said "I'd much prefer to have had the stove in this area

and the fridge in this area..." but the cost and time and disruption in your life

always put that idea to rest real quick. Well, that's all not a problem now. It's gotta

be done and now's the perfect time to do it. New dining table is needed along

with lighting, wall color, tasteful who-ha's for the walls, carpet and / or tile, and

most importantly - placement of these things.



Some of the better contractors out there offer computerized / digital modeling. In

my humble opinion, it's the only way to go. When we did our kitchen it cost us an

extra $1300. Worth every penny! We changed things around maybe two dozen

times before we signed off on it. The end result was exactly how we envisioned

it. A very smooth and timely project. In fact if we had to do it again, we'd insist

that the contractor offered digital modeling.

SlugBugBlog.com

Welcome to Slug Bug, the Blog site that will help you get where you're going with a smile

on your face, and quite possibly a bruise on your arm (or thigh). Everybody out there

thinks they know all the cool road trip games there are.... you don't. The REALLY cool

ones are found HERE at SlugBugBlog.com.

Of course most of these Road Trip Games can be modified for sitting still, needing to

pass some time. Alone or with some friends or family, playing our games is great fun!

SLUG BUG: It's a classic. The Volkswagen Beetle, aka a "Bug". When you see one,

you announce "SLUG BUG, BLUE!" First one to shout it out gets to slug a person of their

choice amongst the other passengers. RULES, Rules, rules. . . follow the rules and

NEVER cheat. (at any of our games!)

You can play it the cool way, or you can play it the "Sissy La-La" way. The Cool Way:

The car is full of people ready to go on a road trip, everybody agrees to play Slug Bug

FOR LIFE. You’re basically starting a Slug Bug Club with your family or friends. From

that moment on, until you die, Slug Bug is ON! Anywhere. You don't have to even be in a

car. Walking in a parking lot, Slug Bug is ON. Sitting in a restaurant, Slug Bug is ON.

Watching TV at home, Slug Bug is ON. (Yeah, it's on TV in some commercial). Same

with at the theater watching a movie, you see a 'Bug', call it and punch you wife, kid,

friend.... whomever is in you Club. You can recruit new member ANY time, just agree to

play it until the day you die. Slug Bug is ON.

http://slugbugblog.com/




1. When there is a tie in announcing "SLUG BUG, BLUE" (or whatever color it is) both

parties must then immediately begin repeating the phrase over and over until one of

them messes up. That person receives the 'slug'.

2. Mis-Identification - You call it out, but it's really a PT Cruiser or something. . . . You

get it (the 'slug') back double.

3. Dealerships don't count , somebody could get hurt.

Saturdays - DOUBLE Slug Bug Day. (always, forever)

Sundays - Rhyming Slug Bug Day. Yep, you have to rhyme the "slug bug" somehow...

anyway... rhyme it. "Slug Bug GREEN, you're so mean." or "Orange Slug Bug, gimme

a hug" or go nuts and make up a Haiku! "giant shining bug, following us all day and

night, its our pretty sun!" However you do it, you must rhyme it! (Always, forever)

Mondays - Triple Red Slug Bug Day. Pretty self explanatory. See a RED bug and you

get to slug somebody 3 times. Or 3 people once. Or 1 person once and another person

twice. . . however it works, you've got 3 punches to dish out. (always, forever)

FORGETTING - If it's Saturday and you Slug Bug somebody and forget that it's "Double

Slug Bug Day", not only do you get the Slug back, you get the two back you should have

issued in the first place for a total of 3 Slugs.

Variations: Bitch Slap Bug . Same game only instead of a slug to the bicep or thigh, it's

an open hand slap to the back of the head. Cruiser Bruiser . Same game, only you're

tossing PT Cruisers into the mix. Cruiser Bruiser is NOT "On" all the time until you die.

It's really meant as an add-on to the original Slug Bug when there's not that many VW

Bugs around. You must announce that you are enacting it. Anybody pops you with a

"Bruiser Cruiser Green!" when the game hasn't been officially started, that person gets

throat chopped. (A less severe punishment like punching them back 4 times can be

substituted for the throat chop)

Tongue Twister Tournament: Another classic. Everybody knows a good

Tongue Twister, right? Well, if you don't we've got plenty to help you play.



FIRST - Elect a person to keep score. Write down each name of all the players. Under

each, use the classic "hash mark system" to keep score. One mess up, one hash mark.

When the game is declared "Over" your points are erased, one at a time, with each

punishment you do. For instance: You have 3 people in the car. At your next meal stop,

you have 5 points to erase. Your other 2 co-passengers get to choose stuff for you to eat

that you hate. You hate tomatos? 1 bite, 1 point erased. You hate Tequila? 1 shot, 1

point erased. You despise cauliflower with cheese sauce? 1 bite, 1 point erased. You get

the idea, right? Feel free to make up your own punishment point erasers. Of course, this

Punishment Point Eraser system may be use with any of our games.

You have THREE tries to correctly say the phrase. The first two try's are practice, but if

you nail it on the second try - you're good. The THIRD try, that's the point time. Miss it on

the 3rd try, get a point. If everybody agrees, you can do "double or nothing" (do over

where if you mess up again, you have two points but if you get it you have zero)

Tongue Twisters

Slug Bug Blog, Slug Bug Blog, Slug Bug Blog. (3 times fast)

Sally sells sea shells down by the sea shore.

Rubber baby buggy bumpers.

Purple Turtle, Purple Turtle, Purple Turtle. (3 times fast)

I'm a smart fella, I'm a fella smart. It takes a smart fella to make a fella smart.

Peter Piper picked a pale of pickled peppers.

I saw Susie sitting in a shoe shine shop. Where she sits she shines, and where she

shines she sits.

Sheena leads, Sheila needs (3 times fast)

Can you can a can as a canner can can a can?

Seth at Sainsbury's sells thick socks.

Clean clams crammed in clean cans. (3 times fast)

Luke's duck likes lakes. (3 times fast)



Lucky Lou's liver leans left. (3 times fast)

Seventy seven benevolent elephants.

One-one was a race horse. Two-two was one too. One-one won one race. Two-two

won one too.

Willy's real rear wheel (3 times fast)

How many cookies could a good cook cook if a good cook could cook cookies?

Black back bat.

I thought, I thought of thinking of thanking you.

A real rare whale.

Reed Wade Road (3 times fast)

The cat crept into the crypt, crapped and crept out.

License Plate Phrases: You take turns, starting with the driver and working your way

clockwise. The next vehicle you pass, or the next vehicle that passes you, you must take

the letters on the plate and turn them into a phrase or name of some kind. For example -JTU 181. So, JTU. . . "John's Too Ugly". You have five seconds (10 seconds for younger

players who don't have the vocabulary skills of an adult) to utter the phrase or you

receive a punishment point.

Counting American Flags: Your all loaded and ready to pull out of the driveway. Before

you do, a score keeper writes down everybody's names. Everybody buys in to the game

for a set amount. (We usually do 1 dollar per person or sometimes 5) Everybody tells thescore keeper their guess on what the grand total of flags will be by the time you reach

your destination and the game is called finished. Everybody is on the lookout for

American flags in any shape of size or format. As a bumper sticker, a decal, on the side

of a semi, any type at all. This game is also great with 2 or more car full in a caravan or a

bus load of people. Two car loads - when they get to their destination the tally of all



vehicles is added, then divided by however many cars participated. Car A had 288 and

car B had 313. 287 + 313 = 600. Divided by 2 is 300 flags. Closest to 300 wins. And that

"without going over" crap don't fly here at SlugBugBlog.com.... CLOSEST NUMBER TO

300 WINS. There's a tie? Come up with a fun tie breaker, or simply split the pot. On a

bus with 20 people? Everybody keeps their own score and turns it in for tally at the end

of the trip. Total, divided by 20 is how many flags were spotted.

The A-B-C's Game - This is one of my families very favorite. Not only do we play it on

the road, we play it late at night around a camp fire or on the lake fishing for catfish.

Everybody agrees on a category: Famous People, Singers, Songs, Groups, Movie Stars,

TV Stars, use your imagination. Let's say it's the easy one, Famous People. Play once

again starts with the driver and moves around the car clock-wise. Every person playing

must think of a famous person, alive or dead, who's name (first OR last) starts with an A.

"Albert Einstein", the next person might say "Allen Jackson", the next might say "Allen

Allda" and since BOTH names starts with an A, they get Kudos’ and admiration heaped

upon them by the other passengers, that and everybody gives them a quarter. (Or coin

of some sort). Can't think of a name? You give everybody a quarter. It gets tough with

the X's and Z's

Somebody in the car is a know-it-all sports geek who knows the name of every sports

player that ever played a sport? (My son) NO. The rest of you playing the game can ban

their sports knowledge and limit it ONLY to the famous ones. Johnny Unitus, Babe Ruth,

Magic Johnson ect. Anybody at any time can call "Bull Shit" and if it is unanimous that

the persons name was just made up - CHEATER. As the car pulls to a stop to put said

cheater out for their 1 mile walk, all must chant "Cheater Cheater Monkey Eater!" Drive 1

mile down the road and wait for the Cheater to catch up. For the rest of the trip, their

name is "Cheater" and they must be referred to as this at ALL times.

The Phrase Circle: Driver starts with a two word phrase. Example: "Coffee cup". Next

person takes the last word (cup) and makes a new phrase. "Cup your hands". The

phrase can never grow higher than 4 words. Next person takes the last word (hands)

and begins a new phrase. "Hands shake". . . shake rattle and roll. . . roll of coins. . .






coins spent. . . spent cash.... cash for coffee....Coffee Cup. Game over. We never keep

score on this game, it's just fun to play.

Punishment / Punishment Points: Most of the time you going to need a way to dole

out winnings (usually cash) or punishment to the losers (or big punishment for those

caught cheating - NO CHEATING ! ! ! It's always an honor system when playing Road

Trip Games. Cheaters in MY CAR walk a mile. Yeah, I pull over, "GET OUT CHEATER!

See you in a mile." Then we ease a mile down the road, hit the flashers, and wait. When

the cheater gets back in the car, they are refereed to as "Cheater" for the rest of the trip.

Slug in the arm or thigh - 1 point removed

Slap in the face - 2 points removed

Throat Chop - 3 points removed

Nut Punch - 3 points removed.

Eating or drinking a gross product - 1 point removed

Walking a mile - 3 points removed

Running a mile - 6 points removed

Bitch Slap - 1 point removed

Trivia: Another road trip classic. One of our favorites. When you're with kids, this game

is also brain builder. How? Use as your questions things they have learned (or should

have learned) in school. "Who was the first president of the United States?" or "I have 3quarters, a nickel, 2 dimes and 3 pennies - how much money do I have?" or "What's the

capitol of Texas?". . . you get the idea. We also love the category of Family Trivia.

"What's dad's middle name?" "What's mom's birthday?" "What city did grandma and

grandpa first meet in?". You know, stuff that's specific to your family. Simple. Keep

score, don't keep score. FUN GAME!



I'm Thinking Of : This is a variation of the old classic 20 Questions. The only difference

is there's no limit to question asking. Ask a hundred questions if that's what it takes until

somebody finally gets it. Questions, for the most part, need to be answered with a simple

Yes or No. If the contestants are having a hard time getting it, say after 20 or so

questions, hints can be given by the "Thinker". Whoever wins gets to be the next

Thinker.

Keeping your categories pretty specific seems to make the game move along faster. I'm

Thinking Of something that's yummy to eat. . .yummy to drink. . . a game. . . someplace

fun to go. . . an athlete. . . anything really.

Scavenger Hunt: Before you hit the road, make up a list of things to look for along the

way. Make several and have all passengers blindly choose one. That becomes their

game piece. Everybody is going to need something to write with, marker, highlighter,

pen, pencil, paint brush...whatever. You can craft your list specifically depending on

where you're going, or just use one of our ideas below. Get to where you're going, take a

tally of who's found the most stuff - that's your winner. WARNING: The temptation to

cheat is strong with this game, be on the look out for cheaters and set up the ground rule

first thing. "Cheating will have grave consequences!" I would also like to add that as a

punishment, getting hit with a stun gun is an awesome deterrent to cheating!

In the country:

Tractor

Grain elevator

Cows

Dirt road

Dog

Roadside diner

Lake

Train tracks

Sheep



Farmhouse

Pigs

Bridge

In the City:

Convertible car

Bridge

Train

One-way sign

Smart car or mini

Mom and a kid

Dog walker

Bicycle Rider Policeman

Ambulance

Starbucks

Walgreens

In the Suburbs:

School

Fire truck

Wal-Mart

Billboard with an animal on it

Church

Grocery store

Ice cream shop

Park

Jogger

Flower store or nursery

Sports game in play

Ice cream truck



Hey How Are Ya?!!!: Fits of laughter usually ensues during this game. Simple game.

Agree on who your next victim should be. "Next person walking a dog", or "Next kid with

their pants sagging down like an idiot" or, on a 'pedestrians are rare day' "The very next

pedestrian we see..."

Honk your horn and everybody excitedly smiles and waves. BIG smiles, BIG wild waves.

Everybody guesses whether or not the person waves back. Wave back, score a point.

No wave back, no point. Everybody guesses how many wave backs will happen before

the game starts. (We usually play best out of ten) Closest wins.

Variation:

Hey You're That Ass Hole!!!: Same game as above, but instead of smiling and waving,

you're flipping them off and tossing a mean and nasty look their way. Caution: NEVER

play this game with a person in another car. . . who can chase you down. . .and beat

your ass. <"HEY, you ARE that ass hole!">

Rattle Them Pots And Pans – update.

It’s been 4 weeks now. I’ve dropped 12 pounds and feel better than I have in years. Most

importantly I’m sleeping so much better. Hitting the gym every other night and once on

the weekends. A one hour workouts with 40 minutes of pumping iron and 20 minutes of

cardio (stationary bike riding) have my muscles toning up nicely and the weight seems tobe coming off in all the right places. My wife Debbie is right there with me and I believe

this is one of the secrets to our success so far – Having a partner for your exercise!

Eating right is also a huge factor. WE LOVE FOOD! Unfortunately, the food we love is

responsible for the way we ended up. Not completely, but for the most part yeah. So, I’m

on the cruise for “Food that doesn’t suck.”

It would be foolish and even dangerous for me to prescribe which diet is right for you

here at Rattle Them Pots And Pans. The purpose of this blog is to help you find andprepare awesome foods that fit into the diet your health professionals have already

prescribed . It is your job to choose the recipes compatible with your needs. It is my

deepest hope that these recipes will help you realize there is still pleasure to be found in

eating and that limitations do not need to mean liabilities or deficits. You are now a

member of that group of people who have the healthiest diets of anyone in the



population. And, as you will see from these recipes, it can be a joyful experience eating

healthy.

THIS is what my wife and I are doing food-wise: “If a caveman could have eaten it, then

WE can eat it.” That’s the basic concept of our food intake. This concept is meant to

have us focus on NON-processed foods. You know; boxed dinners like hamburger

helper, canned soup, instant oatmeal, and basically any food that has ingredients that

you can’t pronounce. (What is all that crap doing in our food anyway?!) And WHY do

they feel they need to put sugar in damn near everything we eat?!?! So, basically here it

is in a nutshell: Fruits, vegetables, LEAN meats in 6 – 8 ounce servings, fish of all kinds,

and nuts.

H Conlon Writing Samples

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