Gut Man (10 Min)

8/7/2019 Gut Man (10 Min)

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Gut Man

By

Daniel Welser Carroll

Two men argue over the proper way to get rid of a tiny manwho has recently taken up residency in one of their

abdomens.Written for the Shelterbelt Theater Company: Shelterskelter

Approx run-time: 10 min. [email protected]

8/7/2019 Gut Man (10 Min)


1.

John is sitting in a chairclutching his gut in severe pain.There may be blood leaking frombetween his fingers

JOHNPaul! PAUL! AUGH! PAUL!

PAUL(Off)

What??

JOHNPAUL! Ohdamnit, ohhell, ohshit, PAUL!

PAUL(Entering, pulling his pants up)

Jeeze, John - what?

JOHNWhat were you doing??

PAULYou know...my thing - Holy, wh-what the- John are youalright what the heck happened to you? Oh man is that blood?What’s wrong??

JOHNPaul, oh man...something really bad...and really...bad justhappened to me. I can’t...I don’t- I don’t know-

PAULWhat is it? Did you hit yourself on something?

JOHNThis is screwed up Paul, this is screwed up, I don’t knowwhat this is Paul.

PAULWHAT IS IT?

JOHNA - A little man...a little tiny man just jumped into mygut.

PAUL(Pause)

What?

8/7/2019 Gut Man (10 Min)


2.

JOHNI was just standing in here, like - waiting for you, andthen I turn and there’s this little tiny, like REALLY tinyman just standing there - and he looks at me and then looksat my stomach and gets like...happy or something and then hejust leaped...and oh god Paul, he clawed into my gut and

now...now he’s in there.

PAULOh man, John - what did you take?? What did you drop beforeyou came? I thought you didn’t do that stuff!

JOHNI’m not on anything Paul! There’s a little man moving aroundmy innards!

(Groans in pain)

PAULLet’s be reasonable-

JOHNI can’t be reasonable!! I don’t know what he-er-IT, whatever- I don’t know what it’s doing in there, Paul. For the loveof God it might be EATING ME.

PAULOkay, okay, okay, okay - just stay calm. Let me - uh - letme look at the...at the entry point.

(Moves to look, John releases hisfingers a bit, groaning. Paul covers hismouth, grossed out)

Oh gross - man, that’s a hole alright.

JOHNWhat does it look like??

PAULLike a bloody...hole. Are you sure it wasn’t an animal oranything?

JOHNNo it wasn’t an ANIMAL! I got a good freaking look at it! Itwas a little, very little, person!

PAULMaybe a primate of some kind - a small monkey?

JOHNIT HAD PEOPLE FEATURES! Well - it’s head was kinda big...andso were it’s eyes, and it had clawed hands and feetand...teeth...augh teeth. But it had clothes on Paul!!

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3.

PAULWhat?

JOHNLike a little - suit - it was a freaking suit - whatever isin me right now is wearing a little suit! AUGH

(Doubles over in pain)

PAULLike - a pant suit?

JOHNWHAT??

PAULWell are you sure it was a little man?? Was it a skirt suit?Was it a woman?

JOHN

Come to think of it - it seemed kind of genderless otherthan the suit.

PAULGenderless how? Like...deliberately genderless or like asad, unintentional kind of genderless like you see on thesubway?

JOHNAUGH I don’t know!

PAULI really think we need to see an analyst about this.

JOHNAn analyst? An ANALYST?? How bout a goddamn doctor!!ANALYST!?

PAULWell - I just don’t believe there’s a little man in you.

JOHNWell - there’s a HOLE in me - so I still think a doctormight be- AUGH OH OH AUGH!!!

PAULWhat?? What??

JOHNHe’s on the move - he’s moving - it’s moving. AUGH!

PAULDoes it hurt??

8/7/2019 Gut Man (10 Min)


4.

JOHNIt’s not PLEASANT!

PAULLet me look - let me see.

(Examines the wound again)John I-

(Pause)Oh hell, there is something moving...oh my...oh my...John,please don’t feel too offended, but there’s a chance i mayvomit. A chance - it’s not certain.

JOHNAUGH.

PAULNow...i’m trying to imagine what sort of animal would havethe instinct to burrow into human entrails...

JOHN

Paul, I’m not crazy - it’s a little person!!

PAULLet me see if I can lure it out...

JOHNPaul! Don’t you go poking around in there - it’s mine, andI’m feeling very fragile at the moment!

PAULIf I can just- AH AH AH WH-AH

JOHNWHAT? WHAT?

PAULHe-He’s got me! He’s got my finger!

JOHNHe’s biting you??

PAULNo! He’s just grasping me and staring indignantly.

JOHN

See! It’s a person!

PAUL(Wrenches his hand away from John’storso and falls back on the floor intothe sitting position)

John. Suffice to say - I have no idea what that is.Furthermore, I must now agree that it’s a little man insideyour guts and I’m sorry for doubting you.

8/7/2019 Gut Man (10 Min)


5.

JOHNDO SOMETHING!

PAUL(Leaning in)

Sir! I am not sure why you have chosen to take up a

residency position within my friends innards - but I’ll haveyou know that it’s a private place and trespassing will notbe tolerated - if you continue to squat in John’s organs,legal action will have to be taken!

JOHNSTOP REASONING WITH HIM AND GET HIM OUT!

PAULSir, I have been instructed to remove you - we are fullywithin our rights to do so. You may take it up with the lawonce our action is complete. Oh hell! He just looked at me!

JOHNWhat?

PAULThat bastard gave me the stink-eye! Who does he think he is?What side of the law does-

JOHNAUGH AUGH!

PAULWhat??

JOHNHe’s on the move again! Augh! Ohmagawd.

(Starts to choke)

PAULWhat is that? What are you doing??

JOHN(Starts pointing franticly at the lowerpart of his neck, he’s looking red andbloated, suddenly he breathes again)

The little shit choked me! From the inside!

PAULHow is that possible??

JOHNI don’t know but it was the most unpleasant thing I haveever experienced.

8/7/2019 Gut Man (10 Min)


6.

PAULThe situation has become dire.

(Sits on the floor, thinking hard)

JOHNWhat are you doing???

PAULWe need to think about this legally, John. This isn’t awayward badger or anything like that. It’s a little person.This is a delicate situation!

JOHNDELICATE?? My internal organs are what’s delicate! I may bedying, PAUL.

PAULNow is not the time to panic.

JOHN

(His eyes roll)I can’t believe this. GET IT OUT OF ME!

PAULWe need to go about this professionally, John. I’m not surehow these things work. We need to know if we have a caseagainst the little man in your guts. Since you yourselfhaven’t taken up legal residency in your own organs andyou’re not utilizing the space for habitation, his presencemay be protected under the common law of adverse possession.

JOHNPAUL - THEY’RE MY ORGANS!

PAULI’ll admit - the situation is unorthodox.

JOHNAugh! AUGH! He’s moving again!!

PAULWhere? Where?

JOHNLow! Lower, he’s- AUGH!

PAULI don’t think we need to worry about this - i’m pretty surewe have a case. He as the disseisor must physically use theland as you, the property owner, would - and unless he goesabout rearranging things in there to make it more habitableand contemporary, I’m sure he has no legitimate right to theproperty your not using.

8/7/2019 Gut Man (10 Min)


7.

JOHN(Throwing himself from the chair,seizing Paul)

He is inside my BODY. If he goes around rearranging things Iwill be DEAD.

PAUL

That too will help proceedings.

JOHNI AM using the space. I use them to do what organs do!

PAULI’m not saying we don’t have a chance.

JOHNAugh. AUGH! He’s still traveling.

PAULTell me where!

JOHNLike...back. Back there - you know?

PAULThink he’s trying to make a run for it out the back door?

JOHNI pray to all the saints in heaven that he’s not.

PAULAlright - we’re friends, good friends - right, John?

JOHNOh no...

PAULNow, you may not be entirely comfortable with this, but i’mgoing to ask you to lean over the chair right there and dropthe back of your drawers so I can reason with the littlesquatter.

JOHNJust get him out. PLEASE!

(John staggers to the back of the chairand leans over, dropping the back of hispants just enough so that Paul canreason with the little man in his bum)

PAULSir - first let me assure you that our concern is in no wayassociated with a discriminatory or bigoted perspective ofyour size or appearance.

8/7/2019 Gut Man (10 Min)


8/7/2019 Gut Man (10 Min)


9.

PAULSir! That’s a very nice tie!

JOHNWHAT??

PAUL(Hushed)

First rule of negotiations is to create a cordialenvironment in which to discuss delicate matters - Truth betold, I actually like his tie - paisley is in this year.

(To the man in the bum)Sir! Though I understand that it this moment you may bereluctant to exit John’s entrails, it is imperative that youevacuate so that we may better discuss the situation athand. At the moment no legal action is being taken againstyou, you should have no fear of being apprehended. Sir!PLEASE LEAVE IMM-

There is the sound of somethingbeing fired - as if from a potatogun. Both men react loudly. Thereis a long pause. Paul clutches hisgut.

JOHNWh-what is...

(pulls up his pants and turns)Paul?

PAUL(Clutching his stomach, there is a bit

of blood)Oh hell, now we’ve got a case. Repeat offense. We might evenget a settlement out of this.

(Falls over backwards)

JOHNOh no. I’ll call the ambulance.

(Sways on his feet a bit, clutching hisbackside and midsection)

PAUL(Sitting up slightly, puts out his hand)

Wait, John - Wait. Upon closer examination of the man duringhis expulsion from your rear orifice, I’ve come to theconclusion, quite unequivocally, that the perpetrator isnot, in fact, human.

(Falls over again)

JOHNYeah well...the ambulance...

(Sways again)

(MORE)

8/7/2019 Gut Man (10 Min)


10.

JOHN (cont’d)Actually...

(Looking ill, he sinks to the floor)Gimme a sec...

PAUL

John! This won’t be tolerated.(Sits up with a grunt)

JOHNPaul...what are you doing, Paul?

PAULIt’s the treatise of government, John! We have a right tolife-

(On one knee with a grunt)Liberty-

(Bending over with a grunt)and Property

(Fully standing)

JOHNDon’t go and do anything crazy.

PAULIt’s not crazy - it’s determination.

(Begins straining - he turns red withexertion)

JOHNWhat are you doing??

PAULWhere there’s a will there’s a way! And I’m willing himoutta me!

(Pushes strains)You listen to me you little gut gremlin! I’m a citizen of afree nation! My rights are protected! So it hath beenwritten, so it hath been said! Freedom of men undergovernment is to have a standing rule to live by, common toeveryone of that society, and made by the legislative powervested in it; a liberty to follow my own will in all things,when the rule prescribes not, and not to be subject to theinconstant, unknown, arbitrary will of another man!Including GUT STEALING LITTLE RASCALS LIKE YOURSELF! I SAIDLISTEN TO ME! GET OUTTA MY INNARDS YOU SHIT HEADED LITTLEGREMLIN! AND THAT MEANS NOW!

(With one final exertion, Paul throwshimself into the bending position, wehear the sound of the potato gun again,and then scuttling. Paul falls to thefloor in exhaustion)

8/7/2019 Gut Man (10 Min)


11.

JOHNWell...there he goes.

PAULThere he goes.

JOHN(Pause. They both recline, breathingheavily)

How bout...we find ourselves...a good doctor...soon.

PAULYep.

(Pause - looks up)Fucker stole my kidney.

End of Play

Gut Man (10 Min)

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Transcript of Gut Man (10 Min)