Group Leader’s Guide - Care for the Family€¦ · Garth House, Leon Avenue, Cardiff, CF15 7RG...

Group Leader’s Guide

Helping you be a great parent

© Care for the Family 2014


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Copyright © 2014 Care for the FamilyAll rights reservedFirst published 2014Produced and published by Care for the Family Except as stated, no part of this guide may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means – electronic, mechanical, scan, photocopy, recording or otherwise – for any purpose whatsoever, without written permission of the publisher. Printed in the UK.Product Code PTKLDR01AH004-14 Care for the FamilyGarth House, Leon Avenue, Cardiff, CF15 7RGTel: 029 2081 0800www.careforthefamily.org.uk Care for the Family is a registered charity (England and Wales: 1066905; Scotland: SCO38497). A company limited by guarantee no. 3482910. Registered in England and Wales.

ContentsHow to run Parentalk 5

Session 1: It’s not just me 17

Session 2: Love them and let them know 23

Session 3: It’s good to talk 29

Session 4: Boundaries and battles 35

Session 5: Parenting with elastic 41

Session 6: Creating a sense of belonging 47

Further support for parents 53

© Care for the Family 2014 © Care for the Family 2014

Group Leader’s Guide Group Leader’s Guide

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IntroductionThank you for choosing Parentalk!

Parentalk is a DVD-based parenting course that is specifically designed for use with small groups of parents in a relaxed and informal setting. It is suitable for all mums and dads, whether they are parenting together or alone and whatever size family they have.

One of the things that makes Parentalk effective is that it gives parents the chance to get together and talk about the realities of bringing up their children. In sharing their experiences, they are able to see in a very practical way the things that work as well as those that don’t! Parentalk explores the important role that parents have in their child’s life and looks at some of the everyday challenges that they face. Importantly, the content is well researched and based on what is known to be effective in building strong relationships within families.

Over six sessions, Parentalk looks at valuable principles that can be applied on a day-to-day basis with children. We hope that by the end the group will have discovered a range of practical strategies and tips to help them in their family life. Some parents may even want to explore things further and decide to go on a more in-depth parenting course.

How to run Parentalk



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The DVD, Group Leader’s Guide, and Parent Notes are written in an easy-to-follow format. The material is flexible. For example, six individual sessions can be run for one to two hours each, or the whole six sessions can be run over a weekend.

It is ideal for people who have not taken part in any kind of parenting course before (as well as for those who have) and for any group of parents who want to meet informally. Let us know when you plan to run a Parentalk course by emailing [email protected] and we will send you a link to some free posters which you can personalise to publicise it.

Each time you finish a course, please complete the five-minute survey at www.surveymonkey.com/s/parentalk-feedback. This will help us to make sure Parentalk remains a great resource for all parents. We would also like feedback from the parents in your group. You can download parent evaluation forms at www.careforthefamily.org.uk/parentalkresouces.

The sessionsThe DVD and this Group Leader’s Guide will take you through each session. It is important to set aside some time to prepare for each session by watching the DVD and reading the information in this guide and the Parent Notes.

The guide includes:

• How to run a group and take parents through the sessions

• What we hope parents will learn during each session

• The running order for the DVD and discussions, including some questions to get conversations started and helpful tips

• Timings – these are a general guide and are based on a two-hour session, however you can vary the length of each session depending on the time that you or the group have available

At the start, it’s helpful to let your group know that Parentalk is not a course that will tell them all they need to know about parenting. It will, however, help them get to know themselves better as parents so that they can build on their strengths and discover things they might want to start or do differently. Parentalk doesn’t set out to solve major conflict and relationship problems within the family, but it does aim to help parents develop and deepen the relationship they already have with their children.

Parentalk can be used in a wide range of settings, including schools, playgroups, parent and toddler groups, antenatal and postnatal groups, churches and community education.

Each session is DVD-based and includes discussions to give everyone an opportunity to take part. Give each parent a copy of the Parent Notes. This will help encourage and remind them about what they have learned in each session and help them to notice any small, but often significant, changes that are happening in their family life throughout the course.

Running ParentalkParentalk encourages parents to help each other, so being a parent yourself is probably the most useful qualification for running it! If you’re a parent who enjoys reading, talking, listening to others and bringing out the best in them, then you will probably make a good Parentalk leader. Other qualifications and experience are not essential as this Group Leader’s Guide gives you useful tips about running a group and leading parents through the sessions, step by step.

Keep in mind that you will be learning alongside everyone else. You are not expected to be an expert or have all the answers, but simply to be the person to make the course happen. One good thing about discussion groups like these is that nobody is more of an expert than anybody else; everyone can share their individual family experiences with one another.



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Running a ‘taster’ or introductory session and showing a few DVD clips to give parents an insight into what the course will involve, can be helpful.

EquipmentTo lead Parentalk you will need:

• A DVD player or laptop with DVD playing capability

• A TV or a projector with screen and speakers

• Pens, one for each parent

• Parent Notes, one for each parent

Who should attend?Ideally, the course works best if mum and dad attend together so that they can both take on board new ideas and work with each other in their parenting. If both would like to attend but aren’t able to, it might be possible for them to take turns in coming.

Often it’s the dads who don’t attend, but it’s important to encourage them to do so as their role is vital. Whether it’s playing with the kids at the end of the day, or having a serious chat about friendships at school, a dad is every bit as important to a child as a mum. Make dads feel welcome whenever they can make it.

Some dos and don’ts when leadingDO try to prepare well. Read the session notes and watch the DVD beforehand. Think about how the discussion might go, but be prepared for the unexpected!

DON’T let one person dominate the discussion, give direct advice, or criticise another parent. Everyone can say what’s worked for them, but this shouldn’t deflate the confidence of another parent by implying that they’ve got it wrong.

The Parent Notes contain a summary of the key points from the DVD, and will be a useful reference tool for parents long after the course has finished. They are written in a light-hearted, easy-to-read way and there’s space to write down any key points to remember. Additional copies of the Group Leader’s Guide and Parent Notes can be purchased from the Care for the Family shop at www.careforthefamily.org.uk/shop or by calling 029 2081 0800.

A place to meetParents will enjoy the sessions if they are fun, informal and relaxed. A key aim is to create an atmosphere where they feel welcomed and safe. We also hope that they will come to understand that they are not on their own in going through the ups and downs of parenting. It’s important to let parents know that they can talk about things if they want to, but that it’s also OK for them to just sit and listen.

Make sure that the room you use is comfortable, that it can hold the number of people you’ve invited, and that the temperature isn’t too hot or too cold. When you set the room up, think about how big it is and the size of your group. Place the chairs or sofas so that everyone can see each other. The discussions will work well with people in a circle, or in smaller groups. Remember to leave space to serve refreshments and for everyone to be able to see the DVD on a TV or a projector screen. It’s also useful to consider whether there are any issues with people being able to get to the session. When choosing a venue, think about whether it’s safe for parents when they are arriving and leaving, especially during the evening.

If you’re running the course for parents of young children, consider whether having children around might be a distraction and what the alternative options may be.



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the group?At the start, when sharing your expectations of the course, it might be an idea to discuss how the whole group can help things run smoothly. You might make this part of an introductory or taster session, so that everyone knows what to expect. Parents need to feel they are in a safe place before they can share something of themselves and their lives. They may welcome some boundaries on confidentiality like the use of the informal ‘Group focus’ which is printed at the beginning of the Parent Notes.

Each group will probably have a variety of family structures represented e.g. step-families, single parent family, foster carers, two resident parents. As you discuss what you see and hear on the DVD it will be important that everyone has the opportunity to talk about how it might be in their own situation.

What shall I do if parents miss a number of sessions?There are likely to be occasions when parents can’t attend a session for one reason or another. If others are aware why someone is missing, and if it is appropriate, this may be an opportunity for the group to offer help and support in practical ways.

If someone is absent for an unknown reason, and especially if they’ve not attended a couple of times or more, it is good to let them know that they have been missed and to maintain contact via a phone call, text message, or a card from everyone. This might be enough to encourage a less confident parent to continue with the group. Bear in mind, however, that some people may find this a bit threatening - as if they are being checked up on. In most cases, people will be touched that they have been missed, but you do need to be sensitive. If it is obvious that the group just doesn’t suit someone, they should not feel pressurised or guilty because they have stopped coming.

DO make a big effort to put everyone at their ease at the beginning of the session. Consider sharing something funny that’s happened to you as a parent in the last week.

DON’T constantly start sessions late or over-run. People who turn up late should soon get the message that they will miss something because you will start promptly. If you always wait for them it devalues the effort of those who are on time and runs the risk of the session ending later and later, inconveniencing everyone.

DO try to summarise people’s contributions to the discussion. Link them in with the main points to keep the discussion on track. You’ll find that if you acknowledge what they say, for example, “I found what Anne said really helpful”, each parent will feel a vital part of the group and grow in confidence.

DON’T use the group as a sounding board for your own problems ... but do share your parenting in other ways, especially things you’ve got wrong that you are able to be light-hearted about. It will put you on an equal footing with the group, rather than just being the leader.

DO think in advance how you might handle things if anybody becomes upset or angry. It doesn’t often happen, but it may occur occasionally. We’ve got some advice on how to deal with this situation below.

DON’T feel you have to use every word of the notes or cover every main point. Be flexible. Your group will get the best from the course if you gear it to their needs. Many parents just appreciate the opportunity to talk and gain support from one another.

DO always end on an encouraging and uplifting note. As parents we need all the encouragement we can get!

What’s involved in being part of



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Child protectionThe safety and welfare of children, or child protection, means protecting children from physical, emotional or sexual abuse or neglect. Child protection is everybody’s business. There may be a circumstance when you are given an indication that child abuse has taken place. In this situation you can contact the NCPCC Child Protection Helpline (available 24 hours a day) on 0808 800 5000, or CCPAS (Churches’ Child Protection Advisory Service) on 0845 120 4550.

Monitor how you goIn order to get the best from your course, it can help to keep a session diary by writing some brief notes about how you feel things went generally, what did and didn’t work well. You might also add parents’ comments about the session, and what you think you might do differently next time. Try to make your notes as soon as you can after the session while it is fresh in your memory. Use them to help you plan the next sessions and also to reflect on your own experience as a group member.

What comes next?Once your group has got to the end of Parentalk, some parents may feel they’ve had enough time to discuss the issues that are important to them. Others may like to continue to meet on a less regular basis, perhaps over coffee, to continue to share together and support one another. You can take the opportunity during the final session to think together about what you’d like to do next. Ideas include inviting a youth or children’s specialist to talk to the group, watching a parenting DVD, or arranging a family day out or a party for parents to bring their children too.

What happens in a session?Each session explores a particular theme about parenting and family life.

What shall I do if someone becomes distressed or angry in a session?A parent may sometimes get distressed when certain topics or experiences are discussed. This can be due to feelings of failure, hopelessness, fear or guilt, and they may express anger as much as tears. Often just a word or phrase is enough to trigger memories or hurts that may have been long buried or mostly forgotten.

The most important thing to remember is not to appear shocked by this or judgmental about anything they say. While a parent cannot be allowed to repeatedly disrupt a group, the group itself can be invaluable in giving them short-term security and support. A fellow parent can hold out a reassuring hand and often this is all that is needed. It helps to have a box of tissues available!

When someone has been upset during a session, ask them gently how they are at the end. If you felt it appropriate, you could also ask whether they would like further help or a referral to someone outside the group who could work through their thoughts and feelings with them.

If a distressed parent causes too big a disruption during the session, you may need to suggest that they find help outside the group. This requires a considerable amount of sensitivity and care as you need to try to do this without isolating the person or making them feel rejected. For this reason, it is advisable to have some form of counselling and backup support available outside the group for any parents who need it. Always emphasise that they are welcome to re-join the group at any time they feel able, or that they can join another Parentalk at a later date. Assure them, also, that they have not in any way failed by sharing their feelings with the group.

Details of how Care for the Family can further help and support parents are at the end of this guide, along with a list of other helpful parent support organisations.



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‘My story’ presenter discussion (DVD)Rob Parsons and Katharine Hill are joined by a guest who has particular expertise on the subject of the session. They discuss the issues covered in ‘My story’ and share some helpful insights on the theme. The aim is for this to tie in with and support the ideas that your group have been exploring in the ‘My story’ group discussion.

‘Talk about’ final group discussion This is a final opportunity before the end of the session for the group to ask questions or discuss anything else that may have come up.

Conclusion (DVD)Rob Parsons or Katharine Hill summarise the main themes in the session.

‘The one thing...’Some time for each individual to identify the one thing they particularly want to remember, or action, from the session.

Who presents Parentalk?Sarah Abell is the former agony aunt for the Daily Telegraph, the author of Inside Out – how to have authentic relationships with everyone in your life, and a columnist for Psychologies magazine. She started her career as a BBC TV reporter before moving into relationships education. Sarah helped to produce relationship courses that have been used by thousands of couples around the world. She has been married to David for nine years, and they have one son.

Dr Kunle Ayonrinde is a Consultant Paediatrician at Chesterfield Royal Hospital where he specialises in child development and disability, and children’s epilepsy. Kunle is strongly motivated to promote family well-being, particularly with regard to its impact on children. He is married to Modupe, and they have two teenage sons.

Introduction (DVD)Rob Parsons or Katharine Hill of Care for the Family introduce each session and talk briefly about the theme.

‘Word on the street’ (DVD)People in the street answer questions about family life. The different views expressed in these clips are a good way for your parents to engage with the topic.

‘Talk about’ opening group discussionUse the Introduction and ‘Word on the street’ to begin a conversation. This first discussion is just for the group to begin thinking generally about the topic.

‘The Parentalk family’ (DVD)A light-hearted drama clip of the theme from the Parentalk family.

‘Telling it like it is’ (DVD)Parents and children share their thoughts and experiences.

‘Talk about’ group discussionExplore the theme in a bit more depth, thinking about what you’ve just heard on the DVD.

Break You may need to keep an eye on the time and make sure this doesn’t go on for too long, but also remember that this is a good opportunity for the parents to get to know each other.

‘My story’ (DVD)An animated real-life story.

‘My story’ group discussionAsk the group whether they can relate to the mum or dad they’ve just heard. What would they say to encourage someone in the same situation? The idea is not to come up with the ‘right’ answer, but to explore different perspectives and their own experiences. It may also raise some questions that want more discussion.



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Mark Chester is a writer and speaker. He is the founder of Who Let The Dads Out?, a BRF initiative which helps churches establish parent and toddler groups aimed at dads. Mark previously worked for Liverpool Football Club where he developed and managed the Tactics 4 Families community project. He is married to Su, and they have two children.

Diane Louise Jordan is a popular TV and radio presenter, well known for her work on Blue Peter, Songs of Praise and Radio 2’s The Sunday Hour. She is also a vice president of Action for Children and an ambassador for Family Futures. Diane’s most cherished role is being a mum to her now adult daughter, who is the inspiration behind her book, How to Succeed as a Single Parent. Diane is married to Giles and they live in London.

Rob Parsons OBE is an international speaker and author of over a dozen books, including the bestselling Sixty Minute series. He is the founder and chairman of Care for the Family, and over the last 25 years has spoken to over a million people across the world about family issues. Rob is married to Dianne and lives in Cardiff. He has two children and five grandchildren. In 2012 Rob was awarded an OBE for services to family support.

Katharine Hill is UK Director for Care for the Family and a well-known speaker on family issues. She regularly writes articles, gives interviews, and presents marriage and parenting events across the country. Katharine previously worked as a family law solicitor and through this developed a passion for supporting families. She has authored a number of books, including Rules of Engagement, and Keeping Faith. Katharine is married to Richard and they have four grown-up children.

Session 1: It’s not just meWhen we become parents, our lives change forever. Suddenly we discover we have a new role as somebody’s mum or dad. Being a parent is incredibly rewarding, but it has its fair share of tough times as well. For one thing, there’s the sheer busyness that accompanies the job and it often feels like we’re on a roller-coaster ride of emotions. Unfortunately, children don’t come with instruction manuals and most of us feel inadequate at times. Sometimes, we can feel as though we’re making it all up as we go along! It’s important to realise that there is no such thing as a perfect parent, but we can all be great parents.



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can also talk with parents about the ‘Group focus’ at the beginning of the Parent Notes to ensure they are understood.

Introduction (DVD)Rob Parsons introduces Parentalk and the main themes of this session.

This leads straight into:

‘Word on the street’ (DVD)We asked people on the street “Do you think that having children makes life more stressful?”

Pause the DVD.

‘Talk about’ Ask the group for their thoughts about what they’ve heard so far.

Further questions:

Q What in particular did you agree with?

Q What did you disagree with?

Q Have you found life more stressful since you had children? In what way?

‘The Parentalk family’ (DVD) The Parentalk family get ready for their day. This leads into:

‘Telling it like it is’ (DVD)Family interviews: ‘It’s not just me’

Pause the DVD.

3 min

2 min

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1 min

8 min

Key learning points for this session:• Parents will realise that others share similar

experiences to their own – “It’s not just me”.

• Most parents are unprepared for their role.

• There’s no such thing as a perfect parent.

• There’s lot of ups and downs as a parent and you go on a roller-coaster ride of emotions.

• Parenting is fun, as well as challenging at times.

• To best look after our children, we need to look after ourselves.

• Parenting children is a team effort.

Running the sessionTimes are based on a two-hour session. Make sure you are set up and ready to begin before people start arriving.

WelcomeAs people arrive welcome them with any refreshments you may have provided. Allow a little bit of time for people to mingle and chat before you officially start the session. As you begin, introduce yourself and anyone else you may have helping you. Set them at ease by explaining a bit about Parentalk and how the session will run. Emphasise that it’s not about being shown the ‘right’ way to do things, but an opportunity for them to talk about their own experiences and learn from each other as well as from the material on the DVD. Reassure the group that they don’t have to say anything if they don’t want to.

You may like to give the opportunity for everyone to get to know one another better by asking each parent to introduce themselves and say how many children they have. You

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• There are different stages in parenting – you’ll go through both ups and downs.

• There are always pressures for parents, whether we work full-time, part-time, or stay at home.

• Don’t compare yourself with other people, and don’t compare your children with other people’s children.

• It’s OK to ask for help; you don’t have to pretend to be the perfect parent.

• There are added pressures for single parents; try to find people around you who can help.

• In all the busyness of family life, don’t forget the many joys of parenting too.

Pause the DVD.

’Talk about’ Ask the group for their thoughts about what they’ve just heard.

Further questions:

Q How do you begin to accept how you are as a parent?

Q Are there any changes you might want to make?

Q How can you look after yourself in the coming week?

Q What do you think about the top tip?

Q What would be yours?

Conclusion (DVD)Rob Parsons summarises the main themes of the session.

Play to end.

’The one thing...’Allow everyone a minute or two to think about all they’ve seen and heard during this session. Ask them to make a note, either in their head or in their Parent Notes, of the one thing they want to remember/action. Ask if anyone would

15 min

3 min

5 min

’Talk about’ Some questions to help guide the discussion:

Q Is being a parent what you expected it to be?

Q What do you enjoy about being a parent?

Q What do you find difficult?

Q Does it help to remember that, as parents, we are all in the same boat?

Q How do you deal with the emotional havoc of being a parent?

Q What significant changes have you faced as a parent over the years?

BreakTime to stretch the legs and/or have some refreshments.

‘My story’ (DVD)One mum’s story about some of the stresses she has in her busy life as a parent of three young sons.

Pause the DVD.

’Talk about’ Discuss ‘My story’:

Q Can you relate to some of the issues that this mum faces?

Q What could you say to encourage her?

‘My story’ presenter discussion (DVD)Rob Parsons, Katharine Hill and Diane Louise Jordan discuss the issues raised in ‘My story’. This includes the following points:

• Life completely changes when you become a parent – you can easily lose confidence in your own ability or even feel bewildered by your change in identity.

• Most parents feel inadequate and guilty at times.

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10 min

3 min

15 min

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like to share what that one thing is, although there should be no pressure to do this. It’s okay to keep it private.

Thank everyone for coming and for the discussions you’ve had. Let them know the time and date of the next session and tell them the theme for session 2 will be ‘Love them and let them know’. End on an upbeat note with a word of encouragement, for example: “I don’t know about you, but being a parent is the hardest, yet most rewarding thing I’ve ever done. We had a great discussion today. I’m looking forward to seeing you next time.”

Session 2: Love them and let them knowOur children look to us to meet their need for love and security. This session looks at how we can begin to meet those needs and build their sense of self-worth by giving unconditional love and encouragement to each child. We will see that different children have different temperaments and emotional needs, and we will learn how to recognise these and respond by showing love to them in a way that they understand.



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Further questions:

Q What in particular did you agree with?


Q How would you describe unconditional love?

‘The Parentalk family’ (DVD) The Parentalk family realise just how different their children are.

This leads into:

‘Telling it like it is’ (DVD) Family interviews: ‘Love them and let them know.’

Pause the DVD.

’Talk about’ Some questions to help guide the discussion:

Q When can it be difficult to show our children that we love them?

Q How do we demonstrate and communicate love to our children?

Q Why, and how, should we encourage our children?


‘My story’ (DVD)One mum’s story about her children’s different temperaments and how they respond to expressions of love in different ways.

Pause the DVD.

1 min

8 min

15 min

10 min

3 min

Key learning points for this session:• All children are different, unique.

• Giving positive attention is important in building self-esteem in children.

• Children need their ‘emotional tank’ topped up.

• Giving unconditional love.

• The 5 Love Languages®.


Welcome Welcome everyone back and reintroduce yourself and your co-leader, if you have one. Ask how everyone’s week has been.

Introduction (DVD) Katharine Hill introduces the main themes of this session.

This leads into:

‘Word on the street’ (DVD) We asked people on the street “What’s the best way to show a child that you love them?”

Pause the DVD.

’Talk about’ Ask the group for their thoughts about what they’ve heard so far.

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3 min

2 min

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Conclusion (DVD)Katharine Hill summarises the main themes of the session.

Play to end.

’The one thing...’Thank everyone for coming and for the discussions you’ve had. Let them know the time and date of the next session and tell them the theme for session 3 will be ‘It’s good to talk’. Remember to end on an upbeat note with a word of encouragement.

2 min

5 min

’Talk about’ Discuss ‘My story’:

Q Can you relate to this mum’s story?

Q What would it be helpful to say to her?

‘My story’ presenter discussion (DVD) Katharine Hill, Rob Parsons and Sarah Abell discuss the issues raised in ‘My story’. This includes the following points:

• All children are unique.

• People give and receive love in different ways – through words, gifts, actions, time and touch. These are known as ‘The 5 Love Languages®’ (a concept by Dr Gary Chapman – www.5lovelanguages.com).

• Children need to know that they are lovable, valued and safe.

• Praise and encourage your children for their individual gifts and talents.

Pause the DVD.

’Talk about’ Ask the group for their thoughts about what they’ve just heard.

Further questions:

Q What do you think about the idea of love languages? Do you recognise them in yourself? (See Parent Notes for a reminder of each of the individual love languages.)

Q Are any of the love languages particularly important to your children?



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Session 3: It’s good to talkCommunication is an important part of family life, and in this session we’ll be looking at the most effective ways of talking and listening to our children. Words are powerful. They can teach, give encouragement, and express love and forgiveness, but they also have the potential to hurt and damage. As parents we need to listen to our children and keep the lines of communication open.



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Some further questions:

Q What did you agree with?


Q Why do you think it’s important for parents to talk and listen to their children?

‘The Parentalk family’ (DVD)The Parentalk family find out just how good their communication skills are.

This leads into:

‘Telling it like it is’ (DVD)Family interviews: ‘It’s good to talk.’

Pause the DVD.

’Talk about’Questions to help guide your discussion:

Q How well do you communicate with your children?

Q Do you find it hard to really listen to them?

Q How can you get the right balance between listening and talking?

Q When is the best time to talk to your children?

Q How do you pick up on unspoken messages?

Break Time to stretch the legs and/or have some refreshments.

‘My story’ (DVD)One dad’s story of how he struggles to listen to his children and understand where they’re coming from.

Pause the DVD.

1 min

8 min

15 min

10 min

3 min

Key learning points for this session:• Use positive and clear communication with children.

• Learn to listen well.

• Recognise the importance and impact of what we say to our children.

• Help children express their feelings.

• Make time to talk.



Introduction (DVD)Katharine Hill introduces the main themes.

This leads into:

‘Word on the street’ (DVD)We asked people on the street “Why do you think it’s important for parents to talk to and listen to their children?”

Pause the DVD.

’Talk about’Ask the group for their thoughts about they’ve heard so far.

15 min

3 min

2 min

15 min



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’Talk about’Ask the group for their thoughts about what they’ve just heard.

Further questions:

Q What can you do to create opportunities to talk to and listen to your children?

Q Can you remember things that were said to you as a child that have stuck with you? How does this make you think about the impact of words on your children?




Play to end.

’The one thing...’Thank everyone for coming and for the discussions you’ve had. Let them know the time and date of the next session and tell them the theme for session 4 will be ‘Boundaries and battles’. Remember to end on an upbeat note with a word of encouragement.

15 min

2 min

5 min

’Talk about’Discuss ‘My story’:

Q Can you relate to this dad’s story?

Q What would it be helpful to say to him?

‘My story’ presenter discussion (DVD)Katharine Hill, Rob Parsons and Mark Chester discuss the issues raised in ‘My story’. This includes the following points:

• Be ‘available’ to listen to our children – not just physically present.

• Do ‘active listening’ with our children and hear what they are really saying – for example, by giving them our full attention, stopping what we are doing, getting down on their level, looking them in the face, giving eye contact and being patient.

• Children can struggle to express their emotions. We can help them by modelling this and sharing our ups and downs with them (for example “Daddy felt cross when it was raining hard and he couldn’t go out for a walk with you.”)

• Listen to them when they’re ready to talk.

• Be intentional; create opportunities to talk – for example, during activities or at mealtimes.

• Pick up unspoken messages – what are our children not saying?

• Rather than dismissing children’s fears, try to understand them – this can give us an insight into their world.

Pause the DVD.

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Session 4: Boundaries and battlesChildren’s behaviour can be such a difficult battle for parents. In this session we’ll be looking at different styles of parenting, setting and defending boundaries, and choosing which battles to fight. Our expectations for their behaviour need to be fair and we must ensure that our children clearly understand them. We also need to be consistent about what we will do when boundaries are crossed. If we share parental responsibilities, we need to ensure that we work together as a team, and that we don’t undermine each other if we have different approaches to discipline.



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’Talk about’Ask the group for their thoughts about what they’ve heard so far.

Further questions:



Q Why do you think that children need boundaries?

Q What are some of things you weren’t allowed to do when you were a child?

Q Are your own children allowed to do them, or are things different for them?

‘The Parentalk family’ (DVD)One of the Parentalk family breaks a boundary.

This leads into:

‘Telling it like it is’ (DVD)Family interviews: ‘Boundaries and battles.’

Pause the DVD.


Q How can we make sure that boundaries are fair, attainable and realistic?

Q What do we do when children cross a boundary?

Q How do we decide which boundaries need defending?

Q What issues do you really take a stand on?

Q How do we manage discipline if we are parenting apart or are a newly formed step-family?’

15 min

1 min

8 min

15 min

Key learning points for this session:• Children need the security of having boundaries.

• Rules without relationship lead to rebellion.

• Discipline should be ‘tailor-made’ not ‘off-the-peg’.

• Reinforce good behaviour – catch them doing something right.

• We need to choose our battles.

• Say what you mean and mean what you say.

• Aim to parent in an assertive style.

• The power of saying sorry.


WelcomeWelcome everyone back and reintroduce yourself and your co-leader, if you have one. Ask how everyone’s week has been.

Introduction (DVD)Rob Parsons introduces the main themes.

This leads into:

‘Word on the street’ (DVD)We asked people on the street “Do you think that children need boundaries?”

Pause the DVD.

15 min

3 min

2 min



38 39

• Consequences need to be realistic.

• We need to be willing to say sorry and be forgiving.

Pause the DVD.


Further questions:

Q Which parenting style do you most identify with?

Q Discipline should be tailor-made, not off-the-peg. How can we do that?

Q Do you ever say sorry to your children?



Conclusion (DVD)Rob Parsons summarises the main themes of the session.

Play to end.

’The one thing...’Thank everyone for coming and for the discussions you’ve had. Let them know the time and date of the next session and tell them the theme for session 5 will be ‘Parenting with elastic’. Remember to end on an upbeat note with a word of encouragement.

15 min

3 min

5 min


‘My story’ (DVD)One dad’s story of how difficult it is to be consistent with his daughter who is always testing the boundaries.

Pause the DVD.



Q What would you say to him?

‘My story’ presenter discussion (DVD)Rob Parsons, Katharine Hill and Dr Kunle Ayonrinde discuss the issues raised in ‘My story’. This includes the following points:

• All children push boundaries – some more than others!

• Boundaries teach children to have self-control and help them to understand consequences.

• Sometimes we need to look behind the behaviour to see if there is anything else going on (are they tired, hungry or ill, rather than just ‘naughty’?)

• Boundaries need to be fair, clearly communicated and consistent.

• There are three main parenting styles: authoritarian, permissive and assertive. Parents should aim to be assertive – firm but fair.

• Parents need to work together to establish boundaries, even if they have different parenting styles.

• We need to follow through on consequences when boundaries are crossed, even if it makes us unpopular.

10 min

3 min

15 min

8 min



40 41

Session 5: Parenting with elasticAt each stage of our children’s lives we are involved in the process of letting them go. But we can often find it hard to let them become more independent as our instinct is to want to protect them. In this session, we’ll be looking at the concept of ‘parenting with elastic’ – encouraging our children towards independence, helping them with life skills, and enabling them to make good choices. Somehow we have find the right balance between keeping them safe, without over-protecting them.



42 43

Further questions:



Q How much freedom do you think parents should give their children?

Q What kind of things do you let your children make decisions about?

Q Do you find it hard to accept their choices?

‘The Parentalk family’ (DVD)The Parentalk family prepare for one child’s first day at secondary school.

This leads into:

‘Telling it like it is’ (DVD)Family interviews: ‘Parenting with elastic.’

Pause the DVD.


Q What things do you worry about with your children growing up?

Q What are the main dangers that you think your children face?

Q Do you think your worries are valid, or do you worry more than necessary?

Q How can we get the balance right between protecting them and letting them go?

Q How can we let go and encourage independence?


1 min

8 min

15 min

10 min

Key learning points for this session:• Keeping our children safe without

over-protecting them.

• Allowing our children the freedom to make mistakes.

• Passing on our values to our children.

• Preparing our children for adulthood.



Introduction (DVD)Katharine Hill introduces the main theme.

This leads into:

‘Word on the street’ (DVD)We asked people on the street “How much freedom should parents give their children?”

Pause the DVD.


15 min

3 min

2 min

15 min



44 45

’Talk about’Ask the group for their thoughts about what they’re just heard.

Further questions:

Q What values do you want to pass on to your children?

Q Do you find it helpful or daunting to think that ultimately you are raising your children to become adults?




Play to end.

’The one thing...’Thank everyone for coming and for the discussions you’ve had. Let them know the time and date of the next session and tell them the theme for session 6 will be ‘Creating a sense of belonging’. Remember to end on an upbeat note with a word of encouragement.

15 min

3 min

5 min

‘My story’ (DVD)A mum’s worries about who and what is influencing her three sons as they get older.

Pause the DVD.


Q Can you relate to this mum’s story?

Q What would you say to help encourage her?

‘My story’ presenter discussion (DVD)Katharine Hill, Rob Parsons and Diane Louise Jordan discuss some of the issues that have been raised in ‘My story’. This includes the following points:

• Parents are hard-wired to protect their children and keep them safe.

• At each stage of a child’s life, parents need to learn to let them go a little.

• A parent’s role develops from control, to care, to counsel.

• Give children the freedom to make mistakes – we can’t always be there to come to their rescue.

• Remember that ultimately we are preparing our children to become adults.

• Allow children the freedom to make some decisions for themselves.

• Encourage children to make good choices by instilling values.

Pause the DVD.

2 min

15 min

8 min



46 47

Session 6: Creating a sense of belongingThe final session of Parentalk looks at the importance of creating a sense of belonging with our children through memories, laughter and traditions. We also examine the need to prioritise time with our children in order to build a good relationship with them. Some parents may have few happy memories from their own childhood and this may be a painful subject for them as they mourn the loss of what might have been. Although we can’t go back to change the past, it is important to recognise that we can still help to build positive memories with our own children.



48 49


Further questions:



Q What fun things do you remember doing as a family when you were growing up?

‘The Parentalk family’ (DVD)The Parentalk family having fun together.

This leads into:

‘Telling it like it is’ (DVD)Family interviews: ‘Creating a sense of belonging.’

Pause the DVD.


Q Why should we build family memories and traditions?

Q Why is it important to create a sense of belonging in a family?

Q Do you have your own family traditions?

Q How do we make sure we are not held back by our own negative memories?

Q Why is laughter so important?


15 min

2 min

8 min

15 min

10 min

Key learning points for this session:• Create memories that last a lifetime.

• Don’t be held back by your own negative memories.

• Recognise the importance of fun and laughter in family life.

• Family traditions and routines give a sense of security and build family identify.

• Play is important for building relationships.

• Having fun doesn’t have to be expensive.

• Prioritising time with your children is vital.


Welcome Welcome everyone back and reintroduce yourself and your co-leader, if you have one. Remind everyone that this is the last session. Ask how everyone’s week has been.

Introduction (DVD)Rob Parsons introduces the final themes.

This leads into:

‘Word on the street’ (DVD)We asked people on the street “What fun things do you like to do as a family?”

Pause the DVD.

15 min

4 min

2 min



50 51

Q What new memories would you like to create with your family?



Conclusion (DVD)Rob Parsons summarises the main themes of the session and also looks back at some of the topics covered in the whole of Parentalk.

Play to end.

’The one thing...’ Thank everyone for coming along to Parentalk. Mention some of things the group has found useful and (hopefully) some of the fun times you’ve had. Remember to end on an upbeat note with a word of encouragement.

Q What have you found most useful about Parentalk?

Q What will do you differently as a result of this course?

3 min

5 min

‘My story’ (DVD)One dad’s story of his difficult childhood, and how he wants to make sure he is there for his own children.

Pause the DVD.



Q What would you say to help to encourage him?

‘My story’ presenter discussion (DVD)Katharine Hill, Rob Parsons and Mark Chester discuss some of the issues that have been raised in ‘My story’. This includes the following points:

• Not to be held back by any negative memories we may have of our own childhood.

• Shared memories help families to bond.

• Family traditions help to give children roots and a sense of belonging.

• Fun and laughter are important.

• Family activities don’t need to be expensive.

• Parents sometimes need to be able to be spontaneous and willing to laugh at themselves.

• Play is important for building relationships.

Pause the DVD.


Further questions:

Q How can you prioritise making time to build special family memories?

3 min

15 min

7 min

15 min



52 53

Further support for parentsThank youWe hope you’ve enjoyed running Parentalk and helping to build stronger, happier families. The practical and positive ways of parenting that have been highlighted in the six sessions make a real difference to both parents and their children – an investment in their relationships that has a lasting value. Thank you on behalf of the families for running this course.

Some mums and dads may want to explore parenting further and Care for the Family has a wide range of resources and events to support them. There are articles and personal stories on our website for parents and also help for couples to keep their relationships strong. You can find out more at www.careforthefamily.org.uk.

CoursesOur Time Out for Parents courses are suitable for those mums and dads who have done Parentalk and would now like to attend a more in-depth parenting course. The relaxed and informal sessions are run by experienced and trained facilitators, and give parents the tools to make good decisions about how they want bring up their children. Find out more about the Time Out for Parents courses at www.careforthefamily.org.uk/courses. To find out how you

© Care for the Family 2014


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can be trained to deliver our Time Out for Parents courses, visit www.careforthefamily.org.uk/training.

Telephone befriendersOur specially trained volunteer befrienders support bereaved parents, parents of children with additional needs, and those who have been widowed young. All our befrienders have personal experience in their area of support.

Family building breaks Activity holidays for single parents and their children designed to strengthen relationships are run at centres around the UK.

E-family A regular email newsletter with articles and resources to strengthen family life is available free of charge.

Events Different Care for the Family events are regularly held around the country to support and strengthen relationships and family life.

Resources A wide range of books and DVDs is available including the best-selling Sixty Minute… series of books on family life from Care for the Family’s founder, Rob Parsons OBE.

For further information about Care for the Family’s resources and events please call us on 029 2081 0800, email us at [email protected] or visit our website at www.careforthefamily.org.uk.

Parent support organisationsDad InfoAdvice for parents from a dad’s perspective. www.dad.info

Family LivesA national charity providing help and support on family life.www.familylives.org.uk

National Childbirth Trust (NCT) The UK’s largest charity for parents.www.nct.org.uk

MumsnetInformation and advice for parents.www.mumsnet.com

Parent Channel.tv Free parenting videos and advice.www.parentchannel.tv

GingerbreadAdvice and support for single parents.www.gingerbread.org.uk

Contact a FamilyA national charity supporting the families of children with a disability. www.cafamily.org.uk

British Association for Adoption and Fostering (BAAF) Supports, advises and campaigns for better outcomes for children in care. www.baaf.org.uk

Happy StepsResearch and resources for those parenting within stepfamilies. www.happysteps.co.uk

A full list of helpful parent support organisations is available on our website at www.careforthefamily.org.uk/parenting.

Care for the Family, Garth House, Leon Avenue, Cardiff, CF15 7RGTel: 029 2081 0800Email: [email protected]: www.careforthefamily.org.ukA Registered Charity (England and Wales: 1066905; Scotland: SCO38497)

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Group Leader’s Guide - Care for the Family€¦ · Garth House, Leon Avenue, Cardiff, CF15 7RG...

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