GRANT FOR THE ARTS!

(work in progress)

Synopsis Grant is an artist. By Arts Council England (ACE) application standards, he is a phenomenally unsuccessful artist. Despite his persistence and multiple applications over the years - including carving Bourriaud with a spoon out of Carrara marble (£4000), crashing 100 miniature helicopters with red paint attached into the white cliffs of Dover to create an England flag (£3000), paying two prostitutes to read the entire back catalogue of Mills and Boon (£6000), and graffiting a model village (£1000) - he has never received funding from ACE. After receiving another rejection letter, he gets blind drunk in a local pub. After striking up a conversation with the barman, Grant finds out that the man used to be an Arts Council officer who lost his job in the recent cuts. The barman gives him an idea: to submit an application that would involve Grant acquiring tattoo's of the ACE logo as the Olympic rings over his body. And then - simply because the word rhymes with logo - to bounce across the UK on a pogo stick promoting the unity of art and sport as part of the Cultural Olympiad. Grant, feeling embittered with the whole application process decides to pursue the Barman's suggestion. This will be his final application ever! He returns home, somewhat worse for wear, and puts pen to paper - writing it exactly as he thinks ACE would want it. He posts the application in the early hours of the morning and forgets about it. Misinterpreting Grant's application as sincere, and impressed by his argument, ACE decide to back Grant. Six weeks later he receives an unfamiliar letter in the post: it is large and heavy. He opens it. To his bewilderment it congratulates him on receiving funding. He has to fulfill the obligation for getting the tattoo done - and the ensuing commitments that follow. As he travels across the country, endorsed by the general public and critics alike, he achieves a minor celebrity status. Initially delighted at receiving funding and being able to fulfill the project, his delight turns to despair as he grows resentful of his new found fame. He submits an application to have it removed. It is rejected. Despairing, he enters a deep and dark depression. He buys an electric sander and proceeds to undertake self dermabrasion (sanding your skin). Unfortunately he dies in the process. Several years later a young art student reads about Grant in a tatty library book. He sings a eulogy to Grant.

Another Rejection My name is Grant, and I have never had a grant. My middle name is dejection. I spend so long writing applications, And all I get is another rejection. I've heard about the fat A4 envelope that says yes, We want you out there in the public space. But am I successful at writing applications? No I always receive a thin A7 envelope instead. But I'm certain my ideas were real creations: Rejection number seven: prostitutes reading Mills and Boon. Rejection number twenty-one: carving Bourriaud with a spoon. Rejection number thirty-five: plans to graffiti a model village. Rejection number forty-two: on the white cliffs of Dover a paint spillage. They said I was disaffected. They claimed I left Joe Public all neglected. My name is Grant, and I have never had a grant. My middle name is dejection. I spend so long writing applications, And all I get is another rejection.

Grant & Barman Duet Barman: Boy, you seem distressed? Grant: Man, I'm creatively depressed. Barman: What's the matter, is life too much? Grant: I'm an artist; I keep been rejected. Barman: Girlfriend? No, I bet its ACE. Grant: I must have it written all over my face. Please help, how can I get money from the state? Barman: My artist friend, the answers simple. This is what you need to do: Apply for funding to get an Arts Council tattoo. Grant: That idea's brilliant, but absolutely nuts. Barman: I used to work for ACE, until the budget cuts. My colleagues all went to Manchester and The Hive. But I'm left here, working in this dive. Grant: It's great, but no, it’s not enough. Is it really any better than all my other stuff? Barman: How about getting the tattoo as the Olympic rings, Then bounce across the country on a pogo: ping ping ping! Grant: Great Scott, this is amazing. They'll never fund it, and that's the point, This one will be for all the other rejections. This one will really grate, This one will make them angry, furious, immeasurably irate! Barman: Just make sure you read and re-write the application guidelines, Include some sketches, diagrams and tattoo designs. You never know, it may not be declined!

You and Your Work (In Their Words) You and your work, What do they mean? You and your work, In their words? Why do I need to explain? Performances in public lavatories, Is that effective use of public space? What about unemployed employment officers, Do they constitute a socially excluded race? You and your work, What do they mean? You and your work, In their words? Why do I need to explain? It sounds so strange and foreign To couch it in these terms, Where do I draw the line at the people I'm engaging? Children yes, but what about gametes: ovum's and sperm. You and your work, What do they mean? You and your work, In their words? Why do I need to explain?

Mr Engagement What is the demand for my activity? Huge, given the Cultural Olympiad I will enthuse. And the people I will reach? Thousands, millions if I make the news. Any marketing activities? I am a walking talking logo. Do I represent good value for money? Tattoo aside, I just need to buy a pogo. And my audience? All those groups less likely to participate than normal, Those with lack of time? I'll do it at rush hour. And poor health? I'll visit hospitals and hospices hoping to empower. I'll visit rough housing estates and people with no formal education, Because, this is going to be the perfect application. It supports the London 2012 Cultural Olympiad, And fits its themes and values. I am Mr Engagement. This is my destiny and fate. I will bring them culture on a massive scale. I am here to help the masses. I will use art and sport to unite the classes. I am Mr Engagement, And this is the perfect application, To promote the unity of art and sport. Send me the money now!

How The Public Engage With Your Work? (A Perfect Application) Section two of Your Proposal: How Do The Public Engage With Your Work? I need a drink, the answers here usually drive me berserk! I have to leave great ideas on the funding sidelines, Because they clearly haven't read the application guidelines. But this is the perfect application, The likes of which I've never seen before. It's a perfect application, The likes of which I'll never see again I'm sure. It promotes and benefits the community, Every sentence, paragraph and page. It facilitates cultural equal opportunity, Yes, engage, engage, engage!

Making it Happen [He's going to make it happen He's going to make it happen He's going to make it happen He's got to make it happen] I'm going to make it happen, I'm now backed by ACE. I'm going to make it happen, I'm finally allowed to participate in the public space. I'm getting tattoos of their logo, as the Olympic rings, Then pogoing across the country, of all the crazy things. It's performance art and a potential new Olympic game, Promoting the unity of sport and art, or so I claimed. I'm going to make it happen, I'm now backed by ACE. I'm going to make it happen, I'm finally allowed to participate in the public space. Should I have submitted that application and couched it in those terms? Of course, I wanted the funding confirmed. I've got all these plans that I've made, After all their rejections, they've got to know that I am not afraid. I'm going to make it happen, I'm now backed by ACE. I'm going to make it happen, I'm finally allowed to participate in the public space.

The Tattooist Song (A Tattoo's Not just For Christmas, It's For Life) People come in here, wanting all sorts of things. This man wants an Arts Council logo, as the Olympic rings. Don't they realise, a tattoo's not just for Christmas, it's for life. This tattoo on my head says Francesca, but she's no longer my wife. A tattoo's not just for Christmas, it's for life. A tattoo's not just for Christmas, it's for life. A tattoo's not just for Christmas, it's for life. A tattoo's not just for Christmas, it's for life.

The Economy of Attention It's about the self-congratulation, Maybe a catalogue and a publication, And getting that extra little mention, In the Economy of Attention. I've got my name in print, the publicity material is out. Prominence and fame is what it's all about! After years of critical neglect and obscurity, It's time for significance and cultural security! It's about the self-congratulation, Maybe a catalogue and a publication, And getting that extra little mention, In the Economy of Attention.

Bound By These Words I am bound by these words, So seemingly insignificant and small. I am bound by these words, Corroborated, validated and substantiated by City Hall. Why did I use that diction? Community, participate and engage, In weaving my silly little fiction, And creating this application cage. It's the worst idea I have ever conceived, Now I have to cross the country on a pogo, Really, what have I achieved? Nothing: I'm just a tattooed bouncing logo, Destined for fifteen minutes of fame, And then a lifetime of embarrassment and suicidal shame. I am bound by these words, So seemingly insignificant and small. I am bound by these words, Corroborated, validated and substantiated by City Hall.

My Name Is Joe Public And I Am Generally Indifferent To Art My Name Is Joe Public, And I am generally indifferent to art. I prefer Eastender's and the soaps, Although I do like Tony Hart. Cartoon Time with Rolf Harris, Jack Vettriano prints I saw in Paris, And pictures by Beryl Cook, Are also all art that is worth a look! But Grant my friend, you are a godsend. This art improves my life no end. Promoting the unity of sport and art, It really is magnificent and incredibly smart. I'm glad my taxes are being spent so well, Take more of my money, what the hell! I don't want to be seen as miserly, When my hard earned cash is being spent so wisely!

Self-Evaluation (The Self-Dermabrasion Song) Have I contributed to the collective practice wisdom of the sector? What is my history and achievement? Have I made the reflective practice of my work explicit and conscious? And what about quality assurance? Grant Grant a Grant? I'm just a joke, a three-letter acronym and pun, I need to remove the evidence of everything I've done. Cheap vodka for numbing solution, And an economy range Homebase electric sander. I'm no longer interested in self-evaluation, For it is time for self-dermabrasion. There is nothing ace, About having a logo on your face, And chest, and legs, and arms, and head. I'm going to remove all these things. Why did I use those words to get these rings?

Eulogy For Grant My name is Student Boy, And I have just read something very sad. Ten years ago to the day, About an artist they say went mad. He sanded away his whole existence, After he received Arts Council assistance. All they found were his teeth and an electric cable, Claiming he was a loony and mentally unstable. But Bas became a hero when he died in a yacht, And Chris Burden is admired for been shot. So what of Grant who died by an electric sanding, Trying to remove his cultural Olympiad branding. This man needs recognising, his legacy set free. Grant, I want you to be the subject of a PhD! Examining your work for three years, maybe more, Grant, your reputation I will restore. You shall be enshrined in a book, No longer misrepresented and mistook. Art Students across the land will chant, Grant is dead, long live Grant! Grant is dead, long live Grant!