Grand Valley - Issue 3 - 9/25/2014

The Black SheepVolume 3 Issue 3The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

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FOLLOW US @THEBLACKSHEEPGV THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COMSEPTEMBER 25th, 2014 - OCTOBER 1st, 2014

LET’S ALL TRY TO STAY AT THE GAME PAST HALF-TIME, SHALL WE?

STUDENTS START CAMPAIGN TO BRING ULTIMATE GAME DAY EXPERIENCE

PAGE 4

THE UNIVERSITY IS NOW ENJOYING RECORD-BREAKING ENROLLMENT RATES!

GVSU LINES RAVINE TRAILS WITH COCAINE

PAGE 10

WARIO HAS NOTHING ON ABU BAKR AL-BAGHDADI.

ISIS LEADER TO BE SECRET CHARACTER IN NEW SUPER SMASH BROS. GAME

PAGES 12-13

The Official Guide to Laker PoopingWe all know from our childhood that everyone poops, but where everyone poops is one of the biggest discussions no-body has. We all want something comfortable and spacious, a place that feels like home. So when doodie calls while you’re out and about Laker Country, here are some spots that you may want to keep in mind.

Lower Mackinac C-Wing: Many people forget that Mackinac is more than just “Freshmanland” for LIB courses and every gen-ed in the university. Nearly every bathroom in this build-ing has a vacant stall or two at all times. However, if you want seclusion, the C-wing is the way to go. This is not for those in need to squeeze one out immediately, as this will require some exploring and perhaps a map. But once you make it, it’ll be like finding the Holy Grail. There are also secret bathrooms located behind corners (try section A) and behind the elevator (by the C-Store) with spacious stalls and decent upkeep. You may even manage to get Wi-Fi on your phone so you can scroll through Reddit or look at cat videos so as to literally shit and giggle.

Loutit-Padnos Conjunction: In the lower level of Loutit Lecture Halls and Henry Hall there is a little bathroom in a crevasse near the stairs from the main floor to the lower floor of Padnos. Just walk by the computer labs in Henry and near the exit doors facing the new science building are some stairs; immediately to your right is this hidden oasis. This is one of the best places for you to toot freely without bother. These restrooms are very similar to coach seating on an airplane: many stalls, but you may bump into those next to you while trying to get comfortable. Also, wireless is available with no problem; get your Kanye West playlist at the ready so you can listen to shit while taking a shit.

Student Services: If you’re in a pinch to pinch one off, the best place to be is the Student Services Building. There is a bathroom, you just need to follow the signs to the hallway it’s in, that seems to always be vacant. If you get pressure building up inside, you can head there. What better way for GVSU to serve you than with a porcelain throne? It only seems appropriate.

2nd Floor of the Connection: First of all, yes, there is a second floor to the Connection; the stairs are just outside of Papa John’s. While researching for this article, there was an eerie vibe from that ghost town of a place. If you prefer a place where no one passes, there is a bathroom near the back stairwell—empty about 90% of the time—that offers comfort as well as solitude for the less-than-subtle number twos you may have on campus. It is a great place to have a cup of joe and read the morning paper.

Atrium in the Mary Idema Pew Library: The cream of the crop of all campus bathrooms is the library’s atrium. It offers wireless Internet, brand new stalls, and automatic sinks that actually work the way you’ve always dreamed. Tucked behind the grand staircase, it’s easy to miss. However, once you embrace it in all of its glory, you will understand what it’s like to be able to publicly defecate while still feeling at home. So if you have an hour to kill and need a place to sit, the new library is the place to be.

If you’re in the need to go boom-boom, keep in mind these places, and if you think of any places we may have missed, tweet @TheBlackSheepGV with #LakerPoops!

Jeff Perry wrote this

02

CAMPUS MANAGER Claire Fisher

EDITORIAL MANAGER Rachel McLaughlin

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With football season upon us, students clad themselves in GVSU apparel, crowd themselves into Lubbers Stadium, and prepare to stand for hours in below-freezing temperatures they’re too drunk to feel. Despite this apparent enthusiasm for Grand Valley football, students continue the tradition of a mass exodus during half-time to a party where they are inevitably followed by the wrath of GVPD. The Black Sheep interviewed junior Evan Styles on the topic.

Evan attended his first GV football game last fall: “At first it was super-exciting,” Evan said, “The stands were filled but all of the sudden half-time came and people started leaving. I thought maybe everyone just had to pee, but nobody came back.”

Exhilarated by Grand Valley’s football excellence, Evan concluded that something terrible must have happened

to his fellow students to make them miss the ending to such a good game. Seeing a police officer driving off on his Segway, Evan decided to follow. Jogging just behind the Segway, Evan finally caught up with the police officer as they arrived at the party of the year. Relieved to find his fellow students unharmed, Evan stared in wonder at the scene: “I was so glad to see them all having a good time, but then I noticed a bunch of people getting pulled aside by GVPD, getting MIPs, and crying about not getting into medical school. It totally ruined their day.”

Approaching an officer, Evan politely requested that the police force stop ruining the fun. While sympathizing with Evan’s plea, the GVPD officer had this to say: “If students didn’t make it so easy to track ‘em all out of the stadium to the party after half-time, I probably wouldn’t try to follow them, these Segways don’t really

go very far.”

Inspired by the officer’s apathetic words Evan decided to start the “Party Right” campaign to save his classmates from the cruel fate of dealing with the GVPD and the subsequent MIPs. “I was thinking if the police couldn’t find students partying, they couldn’t give ‘em MIPs.”

The basis of Evan’s game day campaign is an elaborate party sequence which involves moving the party every hour to a new location. Evan and his fellow campaigners spend the entire week leading up to game day plotting the party locations. Taking advantage of Grand Valley’s excellent relations with the Ride the Rapid bus system, Evan has even arranged for buses to pick up students and take them to the next party location.

Another component of the campaign

involves partying during the football game instead of attending, using the game as a decoy for unsuspecting GVPD officers. In order to keep GVPD out of the party, members of the campaign call in every 10 minutes reporting underage drinking at the game. In order to steer students away from the football game and into the party, Evan and his crew stand outside Lubbers Stadium holding signs that read “Just Don’t,” “Why bother?” and “It’s too cold for this.”

Recently, Evan received numerous complaints from the GVPD. The department received a $7,000 grant this year so they could increase the police

force and hand out more MIPs. They have been significantly impeded by the “Party Right” campaign as they find themselves driving chaotically around campus on their Segways trying to figure out where all the partying students are and not handing out any MIPs.

Students, on the other hand, seem to be in full support of Evan’s campaign. Many students report having received fewer MIPs than ever before and some have even stated that they felt like they were attending a real party. “With the help of the ‘Just Right’ campaign,” Evan said, “There might even be students who stay at GV for Halloween instead of driving to MSU.”

Claire Fisher wrote this

STUDENT STARTS CAMPAIGN TO BRING

ULTIMATE GAME DAY EXPERIENCE

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BLACK SHEEP INVESTIGATES

Most students who visit the Fred Meijer Center for Writing and Michigan Authors, also known as the Writing Center, have one: a teal pen with swirly, calligraphy white that reads “I <3 Writing.” Practically the trademarked logo of the Writing Center, these pens can be found all around campus. What possible plans do those working at the Writing Center—those who work to spread these pens—have for us? Are they simply kind people who only want to share and promote a deep and unconditional love for writing? Or is it part of a large-scale takeover? The Black Sheep investigated.

A first-year Writing Center employee, Mary Ann Schultz, shared her opinion on the never-ending supply of pens: “It’s not normal,” she informed us. Before continuing, she glanced around and lowered her voice to a whisper. “At first, I thought the pens were cute. Fun, you know? Great exposure. But lately I’ve been noticing that they’re everywhere I go. Whether it’s filling out paperwork at the counseling center or asking to borrow a pen from other students, they’re there. Even in my apartment! I always knew I had just one laying around, but I recently discovered 60 more. I don’t know how. I don’t remember taking that many. And everyone at the Writing Center I asked seemed to think it was fine.”

The Black Sheep was able to find an expert, Marvin Bic, who has devoted his life to uncovering this mostly unexplored topic. Mr. Bic founded the National Society for the Restraint and Imprisonment of Hostile Pens organization (NSRIHP), dedicated to searching for answers on how people may use pens for criminal activity.

“The Grand Valley Writing Center particularly interested me because of the quantity of pens being distributed. There are so many! Where are they getting them? Why is the university providing so many? I’m from downtown Grand Rapids, and even I recently discovered some at places there, like in restaurants and businesses. Luckily when I asked someone was able to point out GV, and I’ve been conducting a thorough investigation ever since,” Mr. Bic told us. “My expert opinion is that it’s only a matter of time before the Grand Valley Writing Center begins a full-scale invasion—and it all starts with these innocuous pens.”

The pieces all fit together. Experts in this particular field of interest are investigating the student workers at the Writing Center, suspecting them of terrorist activity through distribution and use of the pens. Though Mr. Bic may not have a PhD-- and sure his entire apartment smelled like weed and there were maybe a few dozen My Little Pony collector items—he’s an expert in the field, having worked on his theory for at least six months in his basement. He even has seven business cards with the NSRIHP logo he designed using MS Publisher to inform people of his Writing Center suspicions.

Clearly there is much more going on at the Writing Center than most of us are aware. The Black Sheep wants to caution its readers against taking any more of those pens from the room or workers. Yes the pens are free, but is a possible global takeover worth your acceptance of a pen that cost five cents to make? We as a community may still have the chance to stop the Writing Center before they begin phase two: highlighters.

Writing Center Plans

World TakeoverTeresa Williams wrote this

Perhaps you have a crippling need to strive for perfection and become anxious when such desires can-not be met. Or… maybe you just don’t like chemistry. Whatever the reason, here are some places to avoid professors, friends, fellow students, or anyone else who might make you feel guilty about skip-ping class.

10.) The Tunnel Connecting Mackinac and Manitou: If you enjoy the aesthetic of a 1950s insane asylum complete with beige concrete walls and the smell of mold, book a stay for an hour or two while you skip class. Getting Wi-Fi here is sketchy so you might actually have to, ugh, read.

9.) Crowded Lecture Halls: In a class of roughly 100, no one is going to notice a rogue wanderer. Just make sure not to sit in some else’s “self-assigned” seat. Another class is the last place anyone would think to look for someone skipping class.

8.) The Bushes Outside the Alumni House: For you earthy types, the landscaping around the Alumni House is a great place to start that essay due before midnight. No one even walks past the Department of Public Safety, so you’ll be safe here for sure.

7.) Inside the Clock Tower: Referred to as the Cook-Carillon Tower by obnoxious smartasses, the clock tower offers a great view when you want to skip class. Sure, you’ll go deaf, but you’ll never be late again. You will also be well hidden as everyone is too busy Instagramming the tower at sunset to notice you.

6.) Band Practice: Even if you can’t play an instrument, you can pretend the electric triangle is a thing. The good news is they’re always practicing, so hiding here is always an option. Of course, the bad news is they are always practicing.

5.) The Ravines: Put the “valley” back in Grand Valley! Show some school spirit by hiding in the ravines. Make sure you have a means of climbing back up to Little Mac otherwise you’ll have to be air-lifted out. Sweet.

4.) Fresh Food Co.: It is a guarantee that you will not run into your professor at Fresh. In fact, you will not run into anyone at Fresh Food Co., simply because it’s an oxymoron—no one willingly goes there. Fresh is far from fresh and not even fuzzy dice hanging in a review mirror would help their image at this point.

3.) A 50 Bus: Just hop on a bus heading downtown and say “hasta la vista” to Spanish 102. Ride it around until class is over and then ride it twice more because you fell asleep and missed your stop. Again.

2.) Your Professor’s Office: During class hours, your prof’s office is the Promised Land, a mirage in the middle of a desert. Get intimate with his/her office, make yourself some pumpkin spice chai tea and cuddle up with the new young adult quadrilogy. Settle in because you’re never going to see your professor again.

1.) Your apartment/dorm: Instead of doing all of the above, you could just stay home. Ya know, like a normal person. People may look for you there but that’s what locked doors are for.

Places to Hide When Skipping Class

THE TOP TEN

Julie Nichols wrote this

WHAT WAS THE LAST REGRETTABLE PURCHASE

YOU MADE?

ON THE STREETSTweet us your #partypics, or send them to [email protected] PICS

06

“I bought a MacBook Pro but I had to sell it. I miss it every day...”

Adam, Senior

“I bought a DVD drive for my computer, but it only writes. So watching Back Door Sluts 9 wasn’t possible.”

Dustin, Junior

“I bought a Menorah last holiday season, but once I re-membered I wasn’t Jewish I immediately regretted it.”

Charles, Senior

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War Imminent Between Grand Valley Fraternities and Sororities

Shardae Rudel Wrote This

This semester, GV grew one step closer to becoming one of the “big kids” univer-sities by adding its very own Greek Row just off of cam-pus. The Greek Row is home to one fraternity and five sororities, costing a report-ed $20 million to construct. Since the move-in, reports have been pouring in of ris-ing tensions between the Greek houses.

“It’s almost as if something in the air has changed,” Phi Sigma Sigma member Fiona Simmons said. “It’s darker… more ominous.”

Greek houses not moving into the Row feel ignored, like a goldfish you forgot to feed. Reports have surfaced that the debate has grown violent. One passerby no-ticed two members of dif-

ferent sororities in a verbal tussle outside the Cook Carillon Tower between classes.

“One was shouting about how she thought the other was letting the new house get to her head, then the other girl shoved her,” soph-omore Tom Rice said. “It was pretty rad.”

The actions didn’t escalate beyond that, but Alpha Sigma Tau member Har-riet Burns warned that if the problem persists, war could be upon them: “I don’t want to have to resort to drastic measures, but we have to defend ourselves. If war is our only option, then war we shall have.”

Shipments of squirt guns, stink bombs, and copies

of Sun-Tzu’s The Art of War have been seen arriving at Greek Row. While an offi-cial declaration has not yet been made, the prospects of all-out battle are increas-ing each passing hour as presidents of the involved sororities and frats send out group iMessages telling their brothers and sisters to prepare for war.

“Defend our new home-

land,” read one message sent by Alpha Sigma Phi vice president Dean Howell. “Load the cannons, raise the sails, and stock up on Polo shirts. We might not get a chance to wear them again.”

Word is not yet available on whether or not the rest of campus should give a damn but one GDI interviewed noted, “This is stupid and I don’t care.”

For GVSU students, attending major sporting events is free (club events are still a work-in-progress). As if that’s not enough initiative to embrace the Laker Spirit, there’s an added bonus: free t-shirts. Only those with impeccable patience and the ability to stand for hours in line without snack breaks are the ones who get freebies. For students who are looking for way to obtain free Laker garb, here are some tips:

5.) Get there early: Like, really early. In fact, get there the day before. At dawn. Consider investing in a Laker-themed tent to really show your dedication and desire for free t-shirts. 4.) Rent a tall person for the day: For the two or three times that the GV pep squad catapults the shirts into the student section, pay some tall guy or gal to catch one for you. Be warned: One size does not fit all. 3.) Bribe a friend. Or a stranger: For those of you who think showing up early or paying someone to get one is too much effort, try bribing a friend, colleague, or hobo to get one for you. They could wait in line for you, sneak into the stadium, or even catch a grenade for you if the price is right. 2.) Cut everyone in line: Walk right past them and saunter in. Go on. Just to see what happens. Will they call you out on it? Won’t they? There’s only one way to find out! 1.) Throw a tantrum: Revert back to the good ol’ days where crying and shouting got you everything you wanted. Remember when you didn’t have to move to take a dump? Just like that! The people scanning the tickets will likely panic and throw a t-shirt your way to make you shut up, just like mommy used to do.

HOW TO GET A FREE T-SHIRT AT GV HOME GAMES

Shardae Rudel Wrote This

The Bar Grid

21+only; Minors allowed with parent/guardian until 1021+only; Minors allowed with parent/guardian until 10

SPECIAL NIGHT

Monday - Friday! Happy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine

Industry Special Everyday! 12-2pm:

25% off tab for restaurant/bar industry employees

Industry Specials All Day Sun- Thurs: 33% Off Drinks for

Restaurant/Bar Employees

FRIDAY!$3 Captain & $3 Smirnoff

Thursday Happy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine

2-4 p.m., Happy Hour: $3 Michigan beers ($7.99 and less) and wells

4-6 p.m. Burger-Beer special: $7 for Classic burger and a pint of craft beer6-9 p.m. $3 Beer Geek craft beer specials

College Night DJ Kane & Jenny Disko 50% Off Drinks Open-12

Because Thursday ends at Midnight

$4 Microbrews Boneless Chicken Dinger Platter

Friday Happy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine


4-6 p.m. Burger-Beer special: $7 for Classic burger and a pint

of craft beer

9/26: DJ Grooves & DJ D-Wrek 10/3: Drill Team, Richard Oxygenn,

and Zach Bletz$3 Captain & $3 Smirnoff

Saturday11am - 3pm:

Brunch and Bloody MaryBar featuring House Infused Spirits

Industry Special Everyday! 12-2pm: 25% off tab for restaurant/bar

industry employees

9/27: Skin Jacket, Small Town Harlot & Broken Like Me

10/4: 61Syx Presents Sefon & Goblin

$2 Domestic Pints Noon-6$5 Bulldozers and $3 Long Islands

Sunday11am - 3pm:

Brunch and Bloody MaryBar featuring House Infused

Spirits

Industry Special Everyday! 12-2pm:

25% off tab for restaurant/bar industry employees

Sunday Funday - NFL Ticket$3 Flavored Vodka, $2 Wells

$2 DomesticsDJ Laud-E after 9pm

$3.99 Bloody Marys9-Midnight

Monday

Mug Club Night! Open 4pm - 12am: $2 Tier 1 + Tier 2 and 1/2 Off Burgers

and Handhelds for Mug ClubberHappy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine


4-6 p.m. Burger-Beer special: $7 for Classic burger and a pint of craft beer

6-9 p.m. Michigan Monday, $3 select Michigan drafts

Open Mic/ Hippy Jam Band Night $2 Wells, $2 Domestics $1 Off Michigan Beers

$2 Fireball

$3.99 Margaritas Fried Pickle Chips

TuesdayLocal Night! $2 Tier 1 + $3 Tier 2

Beers from 4pm - 12amHappy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine


4-6 p.m. Burger-Beer special: $7 for Classic burger and a pint of craft beer

6-9 p.m. Tipsy Tuesday, $3 draft of our beer geek’s choice

Beat the Clock Specials Starting at 8 til Midnight

$2 Wells All Night DJ Turk Lo

$3 You-Call-Its1/2lb. Hamburger & Fries

Wednesday Happy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine


4-6 p.m. Burger-Beer special: $7 for Classic burger and a pint of craft beer6-9 p.m. WIMP 50cent wings (min 6); $6 1/2

lb mussels; 25% off pitchers

Wayback Wednesdays With DJ Richard Oxygenn

He plays songs from the 90’s And we have prices from the 90’s

$1.50 Retro Cans, $2 Drink Specials

$4 Sangrias Hand-Battered Onion Rings

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21+only; Minors allowed with parent/guardian until 10

Employee Handbook2014

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21+only; Minors allowed with parent/guardian until 10

The Bar Grid

Happy Hour 4-7, Mon-Fri $2 Wells and Drafts

$2 Off All Other Drinks $2 Off Apps

WEDNESDAY: TRIVIA NIGHT! Grab your nerdiest friends and test your

smarts to win a GIFTCARD! Starting at 9pm and 10pm

$4 Jager Bombs, $3 Tall Labatt Drafts

Tuesday!Laker Night! $2 Wells

Pitcher and Shot SpecialsToo many to list!

Happy Hour! 4-6pm Monday - Friday, 2-6pm Saturday & Sunday:

$1.50 Rolling Rock Draft$1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks

$1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria

SPECIAL NIGHT

Happy Hour 4-7!$2 You Call Its 9PM-12AM 1/2 Off Food 8PM-10PM

Late Night Menu 10PM-12AM

$4 Long Islands, $4 Three Olive Bombs, $3 Heineken Bottles

PBR Progression: $0.50 Drafts at 7pm

Price Rises Every 30 Minutes...and many other great drink

and food specials!

$5 off all Burgers (the creature excluded) w/ purchase of a beverage from 6 to 11pm

(Dine-In Only)Happy Hour 4-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft

$1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks$1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria

Thursday

Happy Hour 4-7!Ladies Night: $4 Drink Menu

(8PM-12AM) for Ladies, No Cover Until 11PM

Late Night Menu 10PM-12AM

$4 Margaritas$7 Labatt Pitchers

$4 Long IslandsBeer and Shot Specials

Dance party every Friday!Great DJ with a club atmosphere!

Happy Hour 4-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft

$1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks$1.25 Blatz Cans,

$8 Pitchers of Sangria

Friday

Rotating Drink Specials! Late Night Menu 10PM-12AM

$3 Wells, $3.50 Tall Bud Light Drafts

$5 Mully’s Blue Drinks16oz., 7 liquors

...and many other great drink and food specials!




Saturday

$3 MI Drafts and $3 Call Drinks All Day!

ClosedLike Us on Facebook!

1/2 off Apps Starting at 8pm$2 Wells, Greek Night


Rehab Brunch and Shit Show! $5 Build Your Own Bloody Mary bar

from Noon to 5pm1/2 off Jameson and $1 off Perrin and

Founders Draft, Barfly ½ off night

Sunday

Happy Hour 4-7! Team Trivia 7-9! $3 Drafts 7-9PM, $3 Calls 9-12AM

$4 Tall Craft Brews$1 Off All Burgers

Karaoke at 9pm$1.75 Bartender’s Choice Shots


Drunken Retort 9-11pm: $3 Liquor Special$2 Rolling Rock, $3 Sangria by the GlassHappy Hour 4-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft, $1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks

$1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria

Monday

Happy Hour 4-7! $2 Wells and Drafts

$2 Off All Other Drinks 9PM-12AM$2 Wells, $3 Tall Bud Light

Laker Night! $2 WellsPitcher and Shot Specials

Featuring over a dozen beer, shot and cocktail specials!




Tuesday

Happy Hour 4-7! Open Mic Night! $2 Wells and Drafts

$2 Off All Other Drinks 9PM-12AMLate Night Menu 10PM-12AM

TRIVIA NIGHT! Grab your nerdiest friends and test your smarts to win a

GIFTCARD!Starting at 9pm and 10pm

$4 Jager Bombs, $3 Tall Labatt Drafts

Wings! $0.50 Traditional Wings6 wings with Domestic Pint for $4.99





Wednesday

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The Ravine Trails at Grand Valley have been a source of moderate annoyance for the university administration for years. The Little Mac Bridge has been under construction several times in its brief history. Rather than just add more gravel or ruin the natural landscape with more concrete, the administrators have opted for a more sufficient option: cocaine.

Spanning across the entire Ravines, the cocaine adds a natural, meandering illusion to the barren area. Administrators believe the drug has strong fertilizing properties as well as an aesthetically pleasing look. Just north of the beautiful coke stream, one can see the rapidly expanding “town” that has grown off the banks.

The shanty town, calling itself Haasville, has become the fastest growing form of student housing this year. Several students have

actually moved out of their assigned, already-paid-for dorms and apartments mid-semester to move to the much smaller quarters. The homes are four-feet-by-four-feet and are made from different materials such as taped cardboard, plywood of various thicknesses, and umbrellas and coats stapled together. The residents don’t mind though, all they want is to be close to their new favorite crutch. “It’s a really lovely community,” said student resident Samantha Pristine. “We are a super, great, fun, fantastic, on fire, never-sleeping commune of loving students! We don’t care that there’s no pool, electricity, heat, or roofs. We have each other. And our cocaine.”

Grand Valley has reported a record number of new student enrollments, as well as a significant decrease in the graduation rate because of Haasville. Even seniors who’ve met all requirements to

graduate are choosing to stay in the newly renovated Ravines. “I just kind of figured I’d wait it out,” said third-year senior Ralph Fonch. “We got it pretty good down here, you know, with the free housing and blow and stuff.” GPA averages increased slightly at the beginning of the semester but has since seen a downturn as students moved to Haasville, a trend that is probably going to stick as more discover the drug and subsequently lose their minds.

The Grand Valley administration has refused to comment or act, which suggests they are enjoying the rise in enrollment.

Since its initial conception, Haasville has seen several improvements. The residents have erected a sign made of meter sticks and blood, a watering hole dug beneath Little Mac, and three stolen porta-potties.

“It’s like we’ve really become a singular unit,” said self-appointed RA Paul Lopez. “Now that we have toilets, we aren’t gonna take any shit from no one.”

But it isn’t all sweet, sweet cocaine and potties, violence has been on the rise at Grand Valley since the shanty town’s conception. Several complaints of students being chased and screamed at by other students have been reported.

“They just snap at you. You just look at them and they attack,” said North A resident John Fibbitts. “Whatever you do, don’t make eye contact on the bus.”

The most frequent complaint, however, is of a band of “powder-trolls” harassing students that try to cross the bridge. Reports state that as students reach the center, two groups of Haasville residents appear on either side. Once they surround the students, the shanty

town residents kick and scream until the victims give up their money and swear to “Stay away from their booger-sugar.”

Grand Valley has still yet to publically condemn Haasville, but has just released a series of billboards that read: “Cocaine –how go-getters get there,” depicting a Grand Valley graduate holding several diplomas.

Administration still denies

involvement, but students know better.

“I mean they put the drugs there, so they obviously want us to use it,” said student Sarah Creamish, “Thanks Grand Valley!”

You can apply to be a resident of Haasville by simply proving your addiction to cocaine to a current resident, and/or claiming a section in the Ravines before another crackhead does.

GVSU Lines Ravine Trails with CocainePA

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THE DRINKING GAME RECIPE FOR DISASTER

DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES! NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

PACK THE PLACE Alright, we’re about a month into the school year, and your life is starting to fall into a dangerous routine. All you want is to just go back to Syllabus Week and relive your glory days of partying, but now all you find yourself doing is rewatching lectures in your underwear with only Papa John at your side. This is when you realize what you need to break out of the slump: it’s time to pack the place.

What You’ll Need: An apartment, a cell phone, music, a Tinder account, a lot of booze.Number of Players: Just you and the whole world, baby!Level of Intoxication: Too drunk to realize you’re alone.

How to Play: - Realize that you’ve been bored for three weeks, decide to throw a banger.- Start drinking. IMMEDIATELY.- Text everyone you know and tell them to come over.- Lie to everyone who responds and tell them there’s a ton of people already over.- When one person actually shows up, try to make them feel like a party is going on by increasing the volume of your music.- When that person leaves, use Tinder to drunkenly invite strangers over.- When you realize no one is coming – not even your roommates – drink everything you bought for the big party that never happened.- Make a mess so when you wake up you think a bunch of people were there.

The Game Ends When: You wake up the next morning thinking your dream about having peo-ple over last night was a reality and you go about your day with a smile on your face.

Remember all those times as a child when you burnt your G$D D@#N LIP on a bowl of hot Spaghet-tiOs? Why make the same mistake twice? This week’s Recipe for Disaster will teach you all about fixing your mistakes and making them taste good while you’re at it.

What You’ll Need: A can of SpaghettiOs, a microwave (just to look at, longingly), a spoon, bag of ice, a lot of air in your lungs.Fatty Factor: Who cares? It doesn’t hurt anymore!

Let’s Get Baked: - Open your can of SpaghettiOs and pour the contents in a bowl.- Place cling wrap over the top of the bowl and place it in your microwave.- Unplug your microwave and wait two and a half minutes.- Remove the cling wrap from the SpaghettiOs.-Let the SpaghettiOs cool down for 5-7 minutes. - Place desired number of ice cubes on top of exposed SpaghettiOs.- Drink or chew your bowl of SpaghettiOs.

Did you burn your mouth? Didn’t think so. Look at how you’ve grown!

COLD SPAGHETTIOS

ARE YOU SMARTER THAN?

SOCIOLOGY PROFESSOR JOEL STILLERMAN

Stillerman’s Answers Correct Answers

1) Word Meanings: What word, meaning “unable to speak,” colloquially means an unintelligent person?

2) Movies: What famous sci-fi flick is based off the Philip K. Dick book Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep??

3) Fun Facts: Who is currently the richest person in the world?

4) History: What event of galactic importance occurred on July 20th, 1969?

5) Populations: After India and China, what’s the third most populated country in the world?

6) Literature: The Caldecott Medal is awarded each year to the best of this kind of book.

7) Reality TV: What TV channel hosts reality TV show Dance Moms?

8) Money: Who is on the $50 bill?

9) Meats: What animal does brisket come from?

10) Space: 67P/Churyumov–Gerasimenko, set to be landed on in November 2014, is what?

1) Dumb 2) Blade Runner 3) Bill Gates 4) Moon Landing 5) United States

6) Children’s Picture Book 7) Lifetime8) Ulysses S. Grant 9) Cow 10) Comet

1) Dumb 2) Blade Runner 3) Carlos Slim 4) Some meteor hit Earth? 5) United States

6) Children’s books 7) My guess is FX8) Grant, my guess 9) Cow

10) International Space Station

SCORE6 out of 10

ISIS Leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi to be Secret Character

in New Super Smash Bros. Game

BLACK SHEEPORIGINAL REPORTING

PAUL MOONEY WROTE THIS

hrough an anonymous source at Nintendo, The Black Sheep was able to confirm that Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the Caliph of the terrorist organization known as the Islamic State, will appear as a secret character in Super Smash Bros. for the Nintendo 3DS and Wii U.

The Islamic State, known colloquially as ISIS or ISIL, is a rebel or-ganization with roots in Iraq as a splinter group from al-Qaeda. Super Smash Brothers, referred to often as SSB, is a video game for children. Known for their brutal techniques and mass executions, ISIS, lead by al-Baghdadi, has taken over much of Iraq and has started to usurp Syria as well, murdering thousands in every town they capture under the guise of Jihad. Known for its use of cartoon characters, Super Smash Bros. is popular with children and young teenagers.

Our source has also informed us of the nature of al-Baghdadi’s char-acter. “He’s a horrible man, psychotic. He’s amassed an astounding amount of power in such a short time and his crimes are definitely worthy of international intervention. Oh, like his character in the game? Oh, he’s adorable. He’s like an angry Dr. Mario.”

Allegedly his game character will be similar to the character Poké-mon Trainer, which doesn’t personally attack other characters, but rather has three Pokémon that do attacks for him. “But instead of Squirtle, Ivysaur, and Charizard, there’s three militants,” our source told us. “One of them is a Fallujah native who was forced to fight for a rebel cause after his city was captured, one is an al-Qaeda defec-tor, and one of them is just fourteen.”

For this Easter egg, the developers have reportedly spared no details in making the character as complete and accurate as pos-sible. “Every character has their special attack; the one where you smash the special rainbow-glowing thing and then your character does this crazy thing that kills everyone except for you. So, for him, there’s just a wave of thirty-thousand militants that rush in and cap-ture all the other characters until the end of the game. And that’s just the end of the game. It’s actually not that fun. But then again, neither is Syria.”

This story comes in a trend within the gaming community of com-bining current events into video games. Electronic Arts issued a press release Wednesday regarding an expanded special edition of their August release, Madden 15. The special edition was reported to include a mini-game in the style of Street Fighter, a break from their style of sport-based mode of play, in which players fight as NFL players against their wives.

“The Madden franchise has always sought to recreate the true foot-ball experience,” the press release read, “and we feel that we could not truly deliver this without allowing players to connect with this crime that runs so rampant throughout the National Football League.”

he gameplay is simple: players relentlessly beat their spouses and partners who have no-where near the strength to defend themselves against professional athletes while NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell, stands there and pretends not to see anything. Popular characters included Ray Rice, Greg Hardy, and Ray McDonald. Rumors that OJ Simpson will appear for this addendum are also circulating, but probably won’t be confirmed until re-lease.

Players can also play as any of the other NFL players who were arrested for domestic violence since 2009, including Quincy Enunwa, AJ Jefferson, Daryl Washington, Amari Spievey, Leroy Hill, Chris Rainey, Ryan Sands, Bryan Thomas, Chad Johnson, Dez Bryant, Erik Walden, Chris Cook, Brandon Underwood, Kevin Alexander, Philip Merling, Will Smith, Leroy Hill again, Toby McDaniel, Jermaine Phillips, Will Billingsley, Richard Quinn, Shawn Merriman, Quinn Ojinnaka, Cornell Green, and Brandon Marshall.

Rockstar Games, which is best known for publishing the Grand Theft Auto franchise, has also been taking similar steps with its upcoming rerelease of GTA V for the PS4 and Xbox One. Rumors circulating gaming magazines and blogs have speculated about drastic changes to the setup of the difficulty of the latest edition.

“The GTA games always aim to be as realistic as possible, despite the fact that you can punch people until they die in broad daylight and it’s just an average Tuesday,” commented IGN writer, Jason Wright. “So the ru-mors going around, which possibly could have been leaked by Rockstar itself, is that the difficulty settings will actually have concrete differences on the appearance of both the character and the surroundings.”

Essentially, should a player select “hard mode,” the character will have a dark complexion and be born into a much lower socioeconomic class in which crime, discrimination, government negligence, and police brutality run rampant. “It’s an amazing concept,” Wright added. “It’s like the developers were able to come up with a social hierarchy in which youths are systematically put at a disadvantage and judged for these preexisting conditions, thus attracting police attention and unwarranted brutality. I have no idea how they came up with it.”

The expanded game is also expected to include an expert-only “Ferguson, Missouri” level, in which the player starts the level with no weapons and four stars (on a scale of one to five, stars are an indication of how “wanted” a player is). “The details on the Ferguson level are honestly pretty fuzzy,” Wright said. “It’s all based on rumor. Allegedly the only weapon you get is a pack of Skittles. Beats me,” he said, shrugging.

ate September 18th, Congress approved President Obama’s plan to equip Syrian rebels, pos-sibly leading to another ground insurgency by the U.S. Military in the Middle East. Following the trend, a response from the video game community was quickly offered, but, surprisingly, it was not from any of the multitude of war-based games on the market. Rovio, the company behind the popular phone game Angry Birds, announced at a press conference that it would start the rushed production of Angry Birds: Syria.

The premise of the game follows the details of preexisting game with slight changes to fit the insurgency: birds, in a slingshot, attack green cartoon pigs, in structures. One minor alteration will be that as opposed to piles of wood and stone, the cartoon pigs would be hiding within the already-decrepit buildings that consti-tute Syria’s failing infrastructure.

Though the announcement was very recent, a large amount of criticism has befallen the game, citing many flaws in its conception. Less than one hour after the press conference, blogger Michael Douglas released his response, writing “Rovio has not released any details as to the length of the Syria episode, nor has it an-nounced a clear objective. Also, a storyline built on current events like this does not lend itself to a conclusion, which is very necessary for the developers. This is all beside the fact that depicting Muslims as pigs is

offensive not only to their culture but also to the ground insurgents who risk their lives in this mission. The game doesn’t even sound fun.”

Despite coming under heavy fire, Rovio has been strong in its position. “Hey, maybe it won’t be fun. But neither is Syria,” said a representative. “The frustration towards us is misplaced. Most of the criticism can be brought down to this: we don’t know how long the project will take, we have no exit strategy, and no one else approves of what we’re doing. When has anyone ever considered these things when entering the Middle East?”

It is unclear how long this trend will last, or if it is permanent. Jason Wright said, “The evolving nature of our world means that these real-life events and these fantasy escapes are going to intersect. Who knows what sort of releases we will see in the coming years. Fantasy Congress? A real-life Fallout? The polluted, radiated sky is the limit.”

Among this trend, though, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi’s appearance is by far the largest. The leaked news has been met with overwhelmingly positive praise from casual gamers and writers alike. A representative from ISIS declined to comment.

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Grand Valley - Issue 3 - 9/25/2014

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