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ContentsGBU84. Rest in PrintDo authors properly acknowledge the activity that takes up most of our time?

6. The Legend of Lazy BonesJust make sure you wake up in time for Jeremy Kyle, you lazy student

7. GallerySuper-massive sleep gallery for your snoozing pleasure

12. MelatoninSome real life science about sleep

14. Alternative ReviewHow cheesy is too cheesy before bedtime?

16. Who’s Who in GBU?A list of people you should be emulating

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Greetings GBU readers, and welcome to the LAST EVER ISSUE OF GOODBADUGLY (it’s true: the Caps Lock key never lies). All the issues will

still be out there in the ether, but thanks to the everyday pressures of work that we never fully understood as students, we decided to call it a day for

the time being and make this one our swansong. Fittingly enough, as GBU is being put to bed for the foreseeable future, this edition’s theme is sleep. So

sit back, relax and have a read. No nodding off, now; you snooze you lose.

Here’s the blurb for the final time!

Mission Statement:Paper is old. Print is a think of the past. Magazines take up space in your bag

and make a dent in your bank balance. We like stuff that is FREE and MODERN, so we put together this wee online magazine for everyone who is bored of having to fork out good money for something you just throw in the

bin (a recycling bin, we hope) when you’re done with it. GoodBadUgly contains art and articles with a common theme for you to pore over at your

leisure, knowing you still have £4 in your pocket to spend on pie or fags or whatever kids are into these days. We enjoy making it, and we hope you

enjoy reading it.

Restin Print

A . lice was beginning to get very tired of sitting by her sister on the bank, and of having nothing to do. Once or twice she had peeped into the book her sister was reading, but it had no pictures or conversations in it, “and what is the use of a book,” thought Alice, “without pictures or conversations?”

So she was considering in her own mind (as well as she could, for the day made her feel very sleepy and stupid), whether the pleasure of making a daisy-chain would be worth the trouble of getting up and picking the daisies, when suddenly a White Rabbit with pink eyes ran close by her.

One reason, among many others, why Alice in Wonderland is an extraordinary story is that the entire plot takes place in a dream. Considering that we spend a third of our lives asleep (a fact that has always freaked me out a bit), sleeping and dreaming doesn’t seem to crop up a lot in literature. In this issue I have taken it upon myself to investigate how sleep and sleep-related things are portrayed in writing (I bet you can’t wait).

Starting by downloading a copy of the Bible, I quickly realised that even that was be-yond the capacity of my poor old laptop. It choked halfway through the download so I decided to limit my scope to just Leviticus. Anyone who’s read The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo will understand why this was the first chapter that sprung to mind. However, it seems that though there are plenty of quotes about what should happen to women who do evil things (such as bleeding once a month), it contains no references to sleeping, or to dreaming. It does mention ‘resting’, but only in reference to the Sabbath and only 8 times in a text that is over 25,000 words long.

Moving on to the classics like William Shakespeare and Jane Austen, I did get more hits. Still though, Hamlet’s 30,000 words and Emma’s 160,000 (!) words only contain 14 and 10 references to ‘sleep’ respectively, and about the same for ‘dream’. In Hamlet, most of those references are condensed into one section:

To die,--to sleep,No more;--and by a sleep, to say we endThe heart-ache, and the thousand natural shocksThat flesh is heir to: ‘tis a consummationDevoutly to be wished. To die,--to sleep,--To sleep! perchance to dream: ay, there’s the rub;For in that sleep of death what dreams may come,When we have shuffled off this mortal coil […]

Restin Print

Not the most cheerful topic either. In Emma, all of the ‘dreams’ were relating to pretty much one conversation; there is a somewhat obsessive discussion about whether Mrs Weston told Mr Churchill about Mr Perry’s plans, or whether Mr Churchill in fact dreamt it all up. So – gossip, basically.

It seems that though sleep might be under-represented in literature, the few references to sleep might be representative of the text as a whole. In the Bible, sleep is unheard of but you do get your one day of rest. In Hamlet, sleep and dream are both used extensively in one of the most well-known sections of the play, which is about desperation and death. And in Emma, they gossip about dreams and sleep.

We have, in this issue, done our best to bridge the gap between role of sleep in our lives and the role of sleep in text by giving it the attention it deserves. Judging by the ratio of pictures to text in this issue, I am not entirely convinced that we succeeded.

“Oh, I’ve had such a curious dream!” said Alice. And she told her sister, as well as she could remember them, all these strange adventures of hers that you have just been reading about. Alice got up and ran off, thinking while she ran, as well she might, what a wonderful dream it had been.”

words by Charlotte Nordgrenillustration by Darren Turner

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Lazy BonesBetween the land of the living and the dead,There is a mystical land we create in our bed. It is a world full of creatures, beasts and demons, Who defy all logic and sensible reasons.Only in the state between living and dead, Can they enter our world and escape from our head. It’s the state we call sleep, of which all of you know, It’s a state that we need to live and to grow. But it is a dangerous activity full of risk and perilFor it can release the demons, treacherous and feral. Succubus and incubus, the Old Woman and Crone, Are but a few that are already well known. But there is a new demon, formed from that realm in between, And he is getting more and more spotted and regularly seen.He dwells on those who spend too long in bed. Teenagers and students resting knowledge-filled heads. If they lie there too long he can sap all their power, Growing stronger and stronger, hour by hour. Eventually he has gathered the power to reachUp through the mattress, blankets and sheets,And can slowly but surely begin to capture his prey, Pulling them into his world, where now they must stay. Too many youths have we lost to this irresistible foe. Too many to the shadow lands have had to go. It happens so slowly without screaming or moans, When you get taken by the legend of Lazy Bones. So beware how long you have spent in your bed,Giving strength to those demons who escape from your head. And think to yourself, “This morning I will rise! And spare myself from that awful demise.”

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By Sarah Lines

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MelatoninMelatonin is produced by your body whilst

you’re asleep, but not if there’s light. Your eyes see the light and you stop producing melatonin. What the f*&k is melatonin?

Who cares, but you produce it when you sleep when it’s dark, you know, like back in the old days when we were still in caves and going outside to take a sh*%, all natural like. Weren’t those great times? Before we got all modern and corrupted and non-organic and whatnot? Course not, we’re better off now, but appar-ently we don’t produce melatonin when the lights are on while we sleep, so now we’re talking about it! Don’t care? Well now would be the time to drop out.

See, the thing about your body is that it’s full of evolutionary throwbacks that you don’t need any more: your appendix, your wisdom teeth, a few things linking a few places that would make more sense if we were shaped differ-ently. Well, we also have receptors in our eyes that are sensitive to magnetic fields – they’re not hooked up properly, but they’re still there. Some birds have ’em and thus can see magnetic fields (like the one the Earth’s got), which is how they do all that migrating.

So does that mean we used to be birds? No, you’re losing the point here, the point is this: if you go to sleep in a magnetic field your eyes get stimulated and you don’t pro-duce melatonin. This research is all done by science people, by the way, not earth energy, quantum healing, magnet therapy douche-bags, which means it’s real. And what did the science guys use to generate the magnetic field? They used a toothbrush charger. Yep. A toothbrush charger generates enough of a magnetic field to stop you producing this

magical melatonin stuff.

Does it? Well, not necessarily; like with anything ‘science’ there are people who say it happens and people that don’t. There are people looking to see if that’s why we’re all getting cancer all of a sudden – I mean, we never used to, back before all this electricity!

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words by Bruno Rojas Fisher

So maybe all this modern crap isn’t so good. Recently I’ve been sleeping with my phone – that’s right, my phone – under my sheets… right by my head, which is right where my eyes are! Why the hell am I doing that? What am I, weird?! Well there’s an iPhone app that uses the phone to monitor your movement whilst you’re asleep, which is another sleep related-thing to talk about.

See, your movement relates to how awake you are; if you’re in a deep sleep you’re still, if you’re dreaming you toss and turn and the app knows when to wake you up and you fee

bright and fresh. Doesn’t work. Nice idea, but doesn’t work. Either it wakes you up when you’re feeling like shit, or when you’re feeling fresh but there’s still time before you absolutely have to wake up, and therefore will always go back to sleep.

And what can we conclude from this? Is the act of monitoring my sleep inadvertently screwing it up? Possibly. Is this in turn making me a little grumpy?

Maybe. Should we all just have a siesta? Yep.

After last issue’s public fiasco, I was relieved to find the Editor’s decision a little more merciful this time. There’s nothing like having the privacy of your own bed for conducting an alternative review, and so ‘Sleep’ was a very welcome theme.

Obviously it wasn’t all rosy. I love sleep, me, but when it’s the subject of one of these reviews you just know Ed Almighty will find some way to make it uncomfortable. In an attempt to once and for all solve the age-old riddle of food-related dreams, the question posed was this: which type of cheese prompts the worst nightmares?

1) A fairly innocuous cheese, and a nice tame way to start the proceedings. Having heaped a load onto a mini-pizza by way of a midnight snack, I settled down in bed ready for the first night. Nothing to report sleep-wise, other than the normal sound dreams that follow a delicious meal.

MOzzArELLA

Alternative review

2) BriE

After the previous night’s events (or lack thereof), I decided to crank it up a notch – half a wheel (four-inch radius) of brie tonight, with the rind left on. I love brie, so I could have probably eaten as whole wheel, but this was only the second night so I thought I should take it steady. Good thing, too, as my sub-conscious seemed to want to teach me a thing or two about stuffing my face: I dreamt I was super-fat (I believe this is the proper medical term) and couldn’t fit in a lift. Which was lucky, really, as the lift was due to take me to an all-you-can-eat muffin buffet.

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words by Carly Morris

BriE

What? It’s still cheese. I make no apologies for including it in my review. I’ll have you know it’s very hard to go five days without something sweet before bedtime. But worry not, for I ate five slices to ensure maximum dream impact. I think the sugar content made me go a bit loopy;

my trippy dream took me to Legoland, where I found myself barbecuing bricks with the cast of

Home & Away. There was cheesecake for afters.

ChEEsECAkE3)

4) stiLtOn

This one’s a bit harder to wolf down, so I used my imagination: stilton soup to start, followed by steak with stilton sauce, and then stilton with biscuits for pudding. I knew I’d hit the right kind of cheese-level when my cat wouldn’t come within ten feet of me for fear of smelling my breath. Dream-wise, there was a potentially scary encounter with a hideous blue-veined monster, but luckily I used my breath powers to keep him at bay. I felt rather heroic and woke up content.

By far the worst of the lot. It slid down on a Ritz cracker well enough, but its relentless creaminess played havoc with my dreams (and my gut, but, you don’t want to know about that. Do you? Well it did, anyway). A recurring three-second dream all night about being lost in a field with cows laughing at me.

Big red ones, with weird cheesy earrings. I think they were muttering something about Lunchables, but then

I had a lot of cheese in my ears so I couldn’t quite make it out. Woke up in a cold sweat and vowed never to eat Dairylea before bedtime again.

5) DiArYLEA

Who’s Whoin GBU

Thanks to all those who have donated some words to us this issue: Charlotte Nordgren, Sarah Lines, Bruno Rojas Fisher, Charlotte Nordgren, Carly Morris.

If you’d like to find out more about this issue’s mega-talented photographers, please visit their websites:

Sarah Lines: http://www.flickr.com/silverdustedtwilight

Jessica Rigley: http://jess-rigley.co.uk/

We’d also like to show our support for Lindsay Lohan, who allegedly gave birth to a baby boy AND contracted malaria in the same week she was put in jail for

probation violation. She is an inspiration to us all.

BYE BYE!

goodbaduglymagazine.co.uk

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