Dairying has been Vince Monk’s life. Most of it spent in the Wairarapa on

his family’s farm. Vince’s parents experienced many diffi cult years, but they always had family and a great neighbourhood community to help them through. As most rural people do, they showed a stoicism to close ranks and get on with it. As a child Vinnie knew nothing of diffi cult times as he was mostly shielded from them by his loving parents.

As an adult, Vince and his late wife Faye did the same with their children, through the weather and fi nancially driven diffi cult years

“For all of us, life will be diffi cult at some point – this is life’s reality,” Vince says. “If we haven’t considered this, we should! When our dreams crash, we will struggle. Our hope and relationships are important, and should be held on to through the bad times.”

Vince has experienced his share of diffi cult times, but with a willingness to accept he needed help, he has survived.

Vince’s nephew took his life some years back – Vince was the one to fi nd him. Words fail to describe how he felt. “My shock was nothing compared to the utter anguish of my sister. This is her youngest (26)…..!” Looking back now, he says it was adrenalin that kept him going. But the big hit came later, then the questions….” we are, however, blessed with a great family and community – all walking with my sister through those diffi cult and emotional times. Vince, a practicing Catholic says “Our faith was shaken as to the whys etc. though, that is natural. It really helped that our family took a long time of shared grieving, and we drew strength from each other. Suicide is very diffi cult to come to terms with…a quick fi x for one,

becomes a life sentence for their families and friends! I can still see their faces….Why, Why….?”

Through this experience, Vince is emphatic that problems must be shared early. “This is a case when “she’ll NOT be right, ” he says.

“Going it alone is not the way…we like to share the good times when on a high, though harder, it is even more important to share/relate to those closest as life deals a bad hand.”

On top of suicide, Vince has had to deal with even more tragedy – as Faye was diagnosed with cancer in 2009. Over three years they lived with cancer hanging over them – especially the hope that they would beat it. “I can see the hope generated by the dedicated medical teams, as with any medical condition, even cancer, there is hope of a cure. You do what needs be done and get on with life,” he says.

After a short respite, the cancer was diagnosed again and this brought with it what Vince describes as “a real sense of failure”. Months later, this lead to grief, when told nothing else could be done. “From this point, we felt all hope being whittled away. During this time, we had each other and close family – it was not a topic for discussion really, while living and praying in hope, deep down you know where this is going to end.

“With any tragic or traumatic event, there comes fi rst a sense of the unreal; it’s when this wears off we become vulnerable to depression – despair etc. Unfortunately these can drive us inward at the time when we should be talking openly to those closest to us, our relationships are Number One, two and three etc. This includes family, business partners, friends and professionals.”

Two months after the fi rst anniversary of his wife’s death, Vince “crashed and nearly

burned!” He remembers clearly thinking, “OMG, another year to live through.” This led to two bouts of what he describes as “hopelessness and physical inertia”, which he likens to seeing “the black dog” of depression. “My vivid recollection was of a black hole in which I was hanging by my fi ngers, and slipping…”

Following the second bout Vince rang a friend who suggested talking with a priest he knew, for help. “I was scared, but I knew I needed help from someone special. When we feel that we are ‘struggling’, it is time to pause and realign our perspective. ‘Struggling’ may sometimes be a physical condition, but it always is a state of mind,” he says.

Vince suggests for others experiencing diffi culties, the appropriate therapy could be to ease the physical pressure, slow the pace, rest or reduce the workload. “Great responses,

if and when available,” he says. “Regardless of whether or not we have control over the physical causes of the ‘struggle ’, we always have control over how and what we think while going through the struggle,” he says.

“I have given thought to why I survived. There are three reasons, really. One was my faith in God, it was only when I gave Him back my problems, that the old me began to surface. Without my faith and a caring community, I’m not sure how I’d be now. When down, we do need SOMEONE to GIVE our troubles to!! The second was the love of my three daughters and the third the friends who keep ringing for a chat. I know now how lucky I am!”

“Let us be very HONEST with ourselves EACH day; we all need help sometimes.”

Relationships are more important than other stuff ………….

The Way Through is to Admit Problems and Seek Help

Going it Alone is Not The Way!Vince Monk

Vince Monk

Suicide

What are the signs that someone may be suicidal?

Warning signs may include:-• Ongoing depression and

withdrawal from people and activities.

• Frequent negative comments about self eg I’m no use to anyone.

• Talking, writing or thinking about death, dying or suicide.

• Seeing no future in the future.

• Giving away previously valued possessions.

• Any unexpected interest in wills and insurance.

• Rage, anger, seeking revenge.

• Feeling trapped.

• Having feelings of hopelessness and helplessness.

The presence of warning signs does not necessarily identify when, or even if, a person will attempt suicide.

Suicide risk can vary day to day or even hour to hour.

Any thoughts, talk or writing about suicide should be taken seriously.

Q&A9