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GlacialRecompen

seMatthew Novak

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© 2010 Matthew Novak. All rights reserved.

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Glacial RecompenseMatthew Novak

Após 808sThese writings could be considered the leftovers from last nights’ writing sessions. I tend to write

many drafts and ideas before I come to an entirely unexpected final poem. Glacial Recompense

is a collection of poems I wrote before I published things online or turned in for grading. They

are the rough drafts; the b-sides.

I chose the title Glacial Recompense because a great deal of these poems focus on heartbreak

and past mistakes, both of which take a tremendous time to heal. Poetry, in a similar fashion,

takes a long period to become that perfect draft the author wants. I am not a professional writer

so these poems are the rawest of raw beginnings but I hope you enjoy them nonetheless.

Sincerely,

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我想先发言。This is the counterpart to Endangered and its focus is on hope. Indemnity is not an examination

of hope but an exploration of it. That being said, please realize that exploration is human even at

its finest and I am in no way an extraordinarily poetic explorer, I just want to convey that there is

goodness in life expressible in words. It can be found in everything and everyone- even in our

darkest, most despairing hours; in all things we can find hope. However, remember that hope is

imperfect and can sometimes be despairingly confusing (which is hopefully made evident in the

strangeness of some of the things I wrote), but hope is still based in goodness and has the

potential to completely change our perspective on life. Please enjoy this second half of a “novella

for a broken heart” as the beginning to a journey towards salvation. Greater things are waiting

for us over that hill, we just have to keep on climbing.

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LinesBehind this smile liesan upset stomach and a whacked out brain.There is no substance in these giggles.The laugh once lived is dead but not gone.We wake up each morning to a sun riseshining so beautifully just to sit all day in an office;working our unreconcilable debts;voluntary indentured servitude inthe name of our fathers and our sonsand our worn out spirits.

You Look Gorgeous Tonight (Zombie Prom Queen)We’re hunched over a computer tonightjust the one of us.We’re picking darkness in the light;less than three is worth it.It’s worth more than what we think of ourselves.“Suck it!”We’re all pissed off just becausethey have more friends than us;We want to be your friend.“Your music is gay.”Only the good die young;Only the lonely die in this life.

BookPro Me on this Eight-Oh-Eight DrumI have nothing to live for.I have nothing to die for.I’m choking on all this bullshit;this faux freedom flowing outbetween my unbrushed teeth.

These nicotine stains and Coca-Cola flavorscan’t grant me favorlike the nails I forget;the blood that makes me illand forgives.

Tough love fakes rightbut everything I own;

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these fool’s gold treasures held captivein my heart.Ratatat videos play behind me

on a TV-PG screen;parental discretion is advisedexcept in my loveto death do we part.

Nothing is something,the quiet silence loudly defines.

Clostridium Tetani & Love LockjawI splice my fingers opentrying to pick up these glass shards;pieces of my broken heart.“I will never forget you.”You told me when we first kissedbut you don’t rememberand you don’t forgive.You’re a real mind reader;a killer thought murderingmy wounded lovewith sarcastic sexand casual comments.We’re not little kids anymorebut you’re not acting your age;your genes say you’re made for me.Letting you jump offthat crystal ceiling was a terrible idealike a waterfall built with iron ore;tetanus takes you over and you have no cluethat what you do is hurting more than meand you.It’s finished before it started;can it really be the end if it never began?

Go Home DucksFuck it! I’m so sick of it all!These minutes of consolation blurwith months of desolation and in the end it all just feelslike suffocation.

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I’m thirsty in an ocean of blood;I’m remembered by...I forget.This is just a fleet vehiclein my ugly collage of emotions;glue smears magazine colors on my hot car seat.It can all be cleaned up but it burns me in this moment;in this time;in all the current distress.

You, Again?You tell me this winter will end.You say that my depression will pass.You’ve said that my harvest will comeand the sun will rise soon and love will be found...When will this truth come to light?How can I say good morning when bad darkness is my only friend?In this nightlife I find my demons;what will I find when the brightness shinesand everything can be seen?Why would I want to be warm when the shade of this nightmare is so cooling;always too fragile to be free?

Blessed Be Thy NameGod gives and takes away,so blessed be His name? Who does He think He is?I don’t thank people who take awaymy heart and soul and the people that helped me be me...Blessed be your name?

Everything is meaningless

and yet I’m stuck in His arms-For some reason we are... forsaken together;an odd couple in search of a long lost bliss.

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98.6°My soul is shaking;my love is dead;my heart won’t beat.I cry into more painand pain yields more pain;my farm has been drowned insalt water;my ship sank in a bottle;the crew had one survivor,and it’s me.

I’m stuck out on this islandall lonely and burdened;the guilt of everything kills meand it destroys the music I am deaf to.

¿I don’t know who will get this messagebut it will be too late;love died that good sixth day of the week.

Exit Right in 1.6 MilesFuck it, right?Yeah. Fuck it.Take the fist full of pillsand down it with a liter of Grey Goose.Chase yourself into the sky.No. Not that sky. The one with two letter Y’s.Oh.So now we’re at the pearly gateswith the option of heaven or more hell.We pick heaven but judgement isn’t affirmed and we can’t appeal to the devil raging within.Does this mean we will die before we wake?Maybe. But at least we were finally numb...Numb enough to be happy.

Lost [Finale] in TranslationHelp me find the broken !" अ$दर ' साहस, Lord.I do not want to be forgotten. I do not want to feel die alone÷?

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Sick TomorrowOnce again I thrust myself into temptation.Pun intended, I cry myself to sleepwondering why I fell to sin again.It’s all my own fault.I don’t understand whyI need to live a better life.What makes me a better persondoesn’t make me the best buy.

I ¬ø√´ You (Something Is Biting My Leg. Oh It’s Just You.)When I see a cute couple I get jealouseven though I know they won’t last.I miss the days when I could blindly fall in love;Ray Charles made beautiful music.Such finite bliss;bestiality incarnate?

Say Goodbye to the SymphoniesI will rip your heart out.Our friendship will end in tears.Not because I want to;I’m not an evil person.To put it simply, I’m notthe person I told you I was;I cannot be someone I am notuntil I can’t.I tell you goodbye I actually wish I wantedto stay.

There is always a lightI constantly have to tell myself.Whether I like it or notlife is something I must live.It's not about me I guessthat is the light.Seeing everything clearlywhen the sun burns outthe darkness keeps me awake,alive, and in love.

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AgainWanna make a suicide pact?If we [blank] then we’ll do it.Seems like a good idea.Sadness is forever.Happiness rests in flames.Dropping out doesn’t seem so bad anymore.This stress is freaking out my soul.

Again, AgainIt’s not so much that I want to kill myselfas I would just like to be happy for an extended period of time.Sometime longer than the 30 minute sitcom. I’m hoping my next adventure will help this causeI don’t know what else to do...

Apathetic LoverboysI don’t care about you.I really don’t give a damn;blocking the river to my heart.There’s nothing beatingexcept my fist to your headin my imagination. Something can mend a broken heartbut I don’t care enough to try.You might cry nowor die tomorrow.I really don’t give a damn.I don’t care about you.

Glacial Recompense in 1984I am so.I am destroyed by my own hand.My hand is bloody from shredding my soul.This sin I injected in my veins no longer provides my ecstasy. My past bliss now haunts me every morning;every night I pray the demons give up their fight.I cannot feel God anymore,yet I know he is with me.But how will I find myself if I can’t find the light?The street lights are blown out

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like I want my brain to be.I want to know love as I love myself...So I really want to know hate.I’ve been keeping it all locked downjust like they said.I am so confused by everything.The love is the hate.The bliss is the pain.I find inspiration in foreign tongues,not in my own words.Where has gone this forgotten love?Is it all really lost once we turn eighteen?Tears of sadness remixed with tears of joy.I don’t know how I am supposed to feel.Fantasy is nonfiction in this long silence.Broken.Spoken.Crash.Burn.I am designed for heaven.I am utilized for hell. Senselessness guides my compass;love legally defines life’s asterisks.People can’t be trusted yet they teach me how to trustin the Lord and in the devil and in lovethey fall.I am so. I am so. I am so. I reap what I sow.I am destroyed by my own hand.I never even knewI am so...

LoveMy God,my God,why have I forsaken me?Because I never really caredfor the things I couldn’t stop.I know I can’t play the perfect partyou expect me to play.Will giving up kill the guilt,or will this abandonment just exacerbate the problem?I’ve been back and forth many times.It all tastes the same.Sex and celibacy.

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There’s love in both...It all feels the samebut which one isn’t?

MagicI just got home from work.The television is making me laugh.My friends make it even funnier.I smoked 8 cigarettes.An equal number of Coke canswere emptied and tossed in the recycle bin.The A/C was out.Mosquitos were feasting on us,with us they were laughing.The night was magical.

GenreThis is just so uninspired.What do I want to do?Look at pictures.Listen to pop music.Take out my eyes. Not even death can make us stop...Well, actually, it can.It will stop you.There’s very little life left after death.Yet I have no desire to live lifeto the fullest.What do I want to do?Something cancelled by nothing.

So High, So FlyDisco tyme! Oh look,a diamond studded banana!What the truck are you talking about?Dude. Just believe and you can achieve...Saturn’s rings are a few sizes too smallfor my pinky.Wanna get high?Nah. I’ve already taken off.

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Look! It Even Blends Hearts!Okay. Let me get this straight.I offered you the stars.I promised you the moon.I was going to put the sun into your pocket.But you turned me down.He offered you a higher number;a resumé with more experience.He promised you lustful seduction.He was going to pleasure your spirits.And you picked him over me.You put my heart in a blender,spilled it all over your dirty kitchen floor,and let the dog lick it up.I tried to get revenge but it was too bitter,so I let you go have your fun.You tried to forget me but I am uniquely unforgettableso you let me turn into a cliché...Now you have herpesand he has a restraining order.Who can have fun with a broken heart?Take a wild flowerguess.

Blacked Out (North Korea)Tonight I saw these two guysmaking out; feeling up each other, and it kind of freaked me out.But at the same intolerant timeI was greatly intrigued.Is this what true love looks like?Could this be courage outside the normall box?

To be honest I think these guys were moreobsessed with each other’s cocksthan discovering hearts.X’s and O’s isn’t love until you figure out the reason whyyou love to kiss and hug.

Knowledge is power,and nothing can stop the power of love.

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K9Forgive me,I’ve forgotten myself again.Holy Ghost,O’ Holy Ghost,help yourself and get me back on top.The sensual mysteriesshut the door to my mind.Live life like everythingis deadwood.Sink to the bottomby my own millstone.I’m in handcuffs;I have the right to remainin sin.Forgive me not,but forget me not.I need you.I tell me you need me too,but I know you’re worthlessand you think I’m worthless too.Four, six, eight months together.Nine is such an undesired number.It was by nines that you left me again.Self-inflicted insanity.Now I’m more lost than before;your cartography skills lackreal world application.Forgive me,for keeping you in an ashtray;I forget sometimesthat I need to help others.Holy Ghost,help me forgetmyself.O’ Holy Ghost,show me howto forgive myself.

DeiamI hate who I am.I hate what I’ve become.

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I am so scarred of who I will be.Something greateror the greatest disaster.I am teetering on the edgeof a very deep valley.It is dark and empty.I can’t tell if a river runs through it.I hate where I am.My need for self-discoveringis reaching the breaking point.When will I find my peaceful hiding place?

Curiousitility I tell nobody anything.It is much safer to lock away my secrets;treasures are not made to be shared. 14, 13, 12, 11let the countdown to loneliest begin.

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