Give her your shoulder, not your mouthby Gary Smalley

Your goal should be to become a gentle, loving, and tender husband who doesnot lecture. Lectures during stressful times only create more stress. This was anew concept to me because I wasn't fortunate enough to have a father who knewhow to be tender to his wife. I wasn't aware of my wife's needs for tendernessuntil a few years ago. No one had ever told me that one of a woman's greatestneeds is tenderness and a husband who will listen instead of lecture, and even ifsomeone had, I don't think I would have understood. (I should have been able tofigure it out, though, because when I am down, I like people to be gentle andcomforting to me.)

I'll never forget what one woman told me: "If my husband would only put his armsaround me and hold me, without lecturing me, when I am feeling blue!" Butlecture #734 would begin as he told her she would feel better if she took anaspirin...if she were more organized...if she wouldn't wear her self down somuch...if she would discipline the children better....

"Have you ever told him what you need?111 asked.

"Are you kidding? I'd be embarrassed," she laughed. "Come on, you're kidding."

"No. He probably doesn't know what to do. He doesn't know you need to be heldinstead of lectured. Why don't you tell him during a calm conversation someday?"

"That does kind of make sense to me. A lot of times when I am down and cryingand all upset, he'll ask, 'What do you want me to do?' I just flare up and say, 'If Ihave to tell you what to do, it would wreck the whole idea."'

As a husband, I recommend that you ask your wife when and how you need tohold her when she needs to be comforted. Ask her what circumstances prompther to seek your gentle caring arms and touch. You can't dream them up on yourown. We just can't perceive the deep feelings of other people. We've got to drawthem out and then practice, practice, practice the skills of meeting our wives'needs.

source: http://smalley.gospelcom.net/artman/publish/article_286.shtml