GETTING IT RIGHT GUIDE What families need to know Carole Haynes Angela Cole.
Getting What You Need
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Transcript of Getting What You Need
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KNOWING & MEETING NEEDS
Outline:• Introducing Needs (Shuffled Pair)• Stages of Growth in PA (5min talk?)• Dance Floor / Listening• Needs V's Strategies• Suggested Strategies
• Get/Give Empathy (5min talk?)• Change Thinking (Beliefs -> Behaviour)• Change Actions (Say, Do)
• Boundaries Q. What is a need that brought you here?
Q. How are you feeling?
Please Pick:Not a close friend.Not somebody difficult.Anyone else.
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YOU NEED!
• Larry Crabb – Understanding People – Deep Longings for Relationship.
• God – “It’s not good for man to be alone.”
• Marshall Rosenberg – “Everything we do is in service of our needs.”
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CONNECTION• acceptance• affection• belonging• companionship• mutuality• nurturing• to see and be seen
PHYSICAL • food• exercise• rest/sleep• sexual expression• safety• touch
HONESTY• authenticity• integrity
PLAY• joy• humour
PEACE• beauty• ease• harmony
AUTONOMY• choice• space
MEANINGcelebrationclaritycompetencecontributioncreativitygrowthhopelearningmourningto matter
I have a need for…
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PA Stage 1 – The Ride…Q. Do we all have the same needs?
Q. What shapes our needs?
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PA Stage 2 – ‘Right’ing and FightingQ. When did you enter this stage?
Q. How do you know?
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PA Stage 3 – Observing & Accepting
“Observing without evaluating is the highest form of human intelligence.”
-J. Krishnamurti
Q. What does it mean to observe without evaluating?
Q. How well do you observe without interpreting?
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Grace & Feelings
Please learn to OBSERVE and REFLECT without:
FixingControllingExplaining
Evaluation Feeling Need
Abandoned Terrified, hurt, bewildered, sad,frightened, lonely
Nurturing, connection, belonging,support, caring
Abused Angry, frustrated, frightened
Caring, nurturing, support, safety, consideration
(Un) accepted Scared, lonely, hurt, anxious
Inclusion, connection,community, belonging,contribution, respect
Unheard Sad, hostile, frustrated
Understanding, consideration,empathy
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The 5 Minute Talk LISTEN!
DO• Shut-up!
• Quieten your inner voice too!
• Feel how you're heart/spirit responds.
• Listen for their needs.
• Listen for their feelings.
DON’T• Fix• Explain• ‘Relate’
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STOP! Shaming yourself for having NEEDS!
Q. What is a need that you have that you don’t let yourself have?
Q. Who told you it wasn’t ok to have that need?
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CONNECTION• acceptance• affection• belonging• companionship• mutuality• nurturing• to see and be seen
PHYSICAL • food• exercise• rest/sleep• sexual expression• safety• touch
HONESTY• authenticity• integrity
PLAY• joy• humour
PEACE• beauty• ease• harmony
AUTONOMY• choice• space
MEANINGcelebrationclaritycompetencecontributioncreativitygrowthhopelearningmourningto matter
I have a need for…
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PA Stage 4 – Living The Dance?
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NVC DANCE FLOORmaking space for grace
NVC by Marshal RosenbergPPT by NewInsight
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Jackal(Self Talk, Judgements, Interpretations.)
NVC by Marshal RosenbergPPT by NewInsight
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Observation (Short, Clear, Simple description. The facts.)
NVC by Marshal RosenbergPPT by NewInsight
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Feelings(In the body, heart & soul.)
AFRAIDANNOYEDANGRYAVERSIONCONFUSEDDISCONNECTEDDISQUIETEMBARRASSEDFATIGUEPAINSADTENSEVULNERABLEYEARNING
AFFECTIONATEENGAGEDHOPEFUL
CONFIDENTEXCITED
GRATEFULINSPIRED
JOYFULEXHILARATED
PEACEFULREFRESHED
NVC by Marshal RosenbergPPT by NewInsight
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Needs(What fills & sustains.)
CONNECTION
PHYSICAL WELL-BEING
HONESTY
PLAY
PEACE
AUTONOMY
MEANING
NVC by Marshal RosenbergPPT by NewInsight
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Request(Of myself first…clear, doable, present.)
NVC by Marshal RosenbergPPT by NewInsight
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Dancing Graciously Towards
I am…
I won
der i
f yo
u ar
e…
1
2
NVC by Marshal RosenbergPPT by NewInsight
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Strategy V’s NeedSTRATAGY
Request of othersRequest of selfSomething I do
ToolTechniqueThoughtsActions
Need
Internal
What fills me
God given / life shaped
Not to be denied!
Q. What strategy do you use to meet the need you just talked about?
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3 Suggested Strategies
1. Get/Give Empathy
2. Change Thinking (LW - Beliefs/Thoughts/Actions)
3. Change Actions (Say, Do)
“Our needs are never in conflict…just our clumsily chosen strategies.”
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“When people think you're dying, they really,
really listen to you, instead of just..
...instead of just waiting for their turn to speak?”
– Fight Club
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ACTIONS
^
FEELINGS
^
THINKING
^
LIFE RULES
^
CORE BELIEFS
^
NEEDS
Don’t invite myself to events. Keep to myself. Don’t include myself in conversations. Don’t ask for help.
Alone, shy, insecure.
“They don’t like me.”“They didn’t invite me because they don’t like me.”“I don’t fit in.”
There is no point trying to fit in.I only go when invited.When I am not invited it means I don’t belong.
I don’t belong. (KING LIE/Mis-belief)
Invite myself out when I want. Include myself in conversations.
Ask for, and offer help.
Warm, Satisfied, Relaxed
“I wonder if there is any chocolate in the fridge.”
“How can I contribute here.”“I’ll ask them if I can join in and give
them my number.”
I fit in here if they like me or not.This place is mine as much anyone's.
I can play a part in friendships & ministry.People need me and most probably like
me.
I am a unique part of the puzzle.I belong.
I am part of the family.
What am I needing?
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AREAS OF
INFLUENCE
AREAS OF RESPONSIBILITY
BOUNDARIES – What is mine? What is yours?
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What happens if you take responsibility for that which you have no control over?
AREAS OF
INFLUENCE
AREAS OF RESPONSIBILITY
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My boundaries are healthy and include only
my own feelings, thinking, actions.
My boundaries include their feelings, thinking, actions.
I’m in your space, but I don’t know it and I think you want it or need it.