George Ellis [email protected] 310-403-1649Things That Are Less Important Than Football by...

George Ellis [email protected]

310-403-1649

Things That Are Less Important Than Football by George Ellis

A recent study of 1,000 infants born in the United States uncovered a telling

statistic: 83% of the time, their first word was either “touchdown” or “playoffs.”1 It’s no

surprise, as football has come to dominate not just the sports landscape, but nearly every

aspect of American society. It’s a reason to gather with friends, celebrate competition and

eat copious amounts of bacon. Perhaps the only thing as impressive as football’s

popularity is its relative importance compared to other activities and institutions.

Marriage, for example, often takes a back seat to the big game. As well it should.

Same with exercise. Grouting the bathroom tile. Reading. Even Facebook is no match for

the “grandest sport of them all,” as avid football fan and Founding Father George

Washington would have said if football had been around during his lifetime.

This book is an attempt to explain the phenomenon. It is in no way

comprehensive. If I tried to list all the people, items and activities diminished by football,

I’d be 700 pages in with approximately 9,000 to go. That’s not really the kind of

commitment I’m looking for (because football also trumps writing). Thus, this will be an

abridged version.

So why would Joe Football Fan want to buy this book?

Well, first of all, look at his middle name. The guy’s clearly obsessed. Assuming

he steps away from the TV long enough, Things That Are Less Important Than Football

will be a nice, breezy read for him. On the train. In the John. Even during a commercial

break (though that might be reaching). It will confirm everything he’s already known for

years: football is indeed more important than that. It doesn’t even matter what “that” is.

There are two natural audiences for this book. The first is football fans. If these

guys pick up a book, it’s either going to be this one or The Dude’s Guide To Bacon,

which may or may not exist. But this one will! And it will make them laugh. And cry.

But mostly laugh. The second audience will be the millions of spurned loved ones out

there who yearn to understand why they always come in second to … a sport.

And who better to drop this knowledge on the sports world than The Heckler, a

satirical sports newspaper and website with a loyal readership comprised of thousands of

drunken fans willing to part ways with their money at the drop of a hat. 1 This is not true.


George Ellis is an above average writer. Everyone knows this.

When he's not penning books like Things That Are Less Important Than Football

or The Cubs Fan's Guide To Happiness (2007, Triumph Books), he works as an

advertising copywriter, coming up with clever commercial ideas for brands like Allstate,

Shiner Beer, McDonald’s and Tampax. Yes, that Tampax. He also co-founded The

Heckler, a satirical sports newspaper and website (TheHeckler.com).

Hobbies? George has many of them, including skeet shooting, skydiving and

hunting crocodile with his trusty dog Spork.

Kidding. George spends most of his spare time watching movies and writing

screenplays (he is currently represented by Circle of Confusion in LA). He frequently

writes and produces little video and animation web shorts that people forward all over the

place. George has appeared on TV morning shows for FOX, ABC, CBS and WGN, and

his work has been featured in a variety of news outlets, ranging from The Chicago

Tribune to ESPN.com and sports radio stations.

Despite being a niche regional offering, George’s first

book, The Cubs Fan’s Guide To Happiness, was a media

darling and appeared on the Barnes & Noble Sports

Bestseller List. Information, excerpts and press coverage

can be found at CubsGuide.com, a site developed and

maintained at no expense to the publisher.

“One of the funniest books I’ve ever read.” Sun-Times columnist Rick Telander

“As a fan of The Heckler, I expected no less from this book. It’s the Italian beef of optimism sprinkled with the hot peppers of pessimism.” Joe Mantegna


The Heckler is a satirical sports newspaper

and website. Hard copies of The Heckler

are published 2-3 times per year, PDF

editions are released quarterly, and 5-10

fresh stories can be found at

TheHeckler.com every day.

TheHeckler.com draws between

3,000 and 10,000 unique visitors per day

and features national news along with

market-specific coverage of Chicago, New

York, Boston, Denver and others. The

social networking reach is 6,000+ on Facebook and 6,000+ followers on Twitter spread

across a variety of feeds arranged by market and sport. In addition to being linked on

numerous online sports portals and blogs, The Heckler has been featured in many local

Chicago and national news outlets, including:

Print TV Radio

Chicago Tribune WGN ESPN 1000

Chicago Sun-Times FOX Chicago WGN Radio 720

The Sporting News CBS Chicago WXRT Chicago

Adweek WTTW Chicago 670 AM The Score

Chicago Reader ABC Chicago NPR

TimeOut Magazine Comcast SportsNet WCKG


Target Audience The potential readership for Things That Are Less Important Than Football can be

broken down into four categories.

Readers of The Heckler

A loyal group of sports fans, these people can be counted on to purchase all sorts

of products the paper endorses, from hilarious books to frosty Old Styles. The Heckler

has subscribers in dozens of states and TheHeckler.com records thousands of unique

visits each day.

Die-Hard Football Fans

The NFL is the most popular sport in the country. Fans of college football are just

as enthusiastic and number in the millions. Die-Hards will not only purchase this book

for themselves, but also as gifts for friends and relatives.

Casual Sports Fans

You don’t have to be glued to your TV for eight hours every Sunday to be

interested in a book like this. It’s breezy nature and humorous angle appeals to fans of all

stripes that just want a good laugh.

Dudes

While this book is indeed about the awesomeness of football, it’s really an

insightful look at all the things men have to deal with in this world. Marriage. Sex.

Cleaning the garage. It’s similar to a Dave Barry book, with more bite and a sports angle.


Competing Titles There are a number of football books out there. The sport is great fodder.

However, the majority of them tread the same paths over and over. Some are

autobiographical in nature. Others are written by legendary coaches sharing the secrets of

their success and how their lessons also apply to life. Many are love poems about the

greatness (or tragedy) of a particular season or team.

Things That Are Less Important Than Football will turn those HD cameras

around and focus them on the fan. The dude on the couch. It might not always be pretty,

but it will certainly be entertaining. You’ve seen those beer commercials that immortalize

the fans? This book will be just like that. It will make the reader laugh and (hopefully)

swell with pride about the fact they just chose football over their failing marriage.

While there are no direct competitors for this book, other books targeted at this

audience include:

The Art of War by Sun Tzu No joke. This book is in the top slot on Amazon.com when you search for football books. In a way, it’s emblematic of the niche that we can tap here. All those other football books are so serious. Heck, this one’s about ancient war customs! The market is ripe for a funny treatment of this immensely popular sport. You Know You Are A Football Fanatic When... by Peter Syrek (Kindle, February 2011, $.99, ASIN: B004PLO5XS) While this is just a short Kindle book comprised of funny one-liners about being a football fan, it’s a good example of what Things That Are Less Important Than Football will and won’t be. It will be funny and pithy. It will not be cheesy and comprised of simple one-liners. My book will dig deeper and go beyond the joke to tap into universal fan insights. Through My Eyes by Tim Tebow and Nathan Whitaker (Harper, May 2011 Hardcover, 272 pages, $26.99, ISBN: 0062007289) This book falls into the faux-autobiographical category where a sports celeb gets a collaborator to write his memoirs. In this particular instance, one can be sure it’s packed with Florida glory and a good dose of religion. Perhaps a bit much for the average football fan. One would suspect as many Christians are purchasing this book as Gator/Bronco fans.


100 Yards of Glory: The Greatest Moments in NFL History by Joe Garner and Bob Costas (Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, November 2011 Hardcover, 320 pages, $35.00, ISBN: 0547547986) Officially endorsed by the NFL and packaged with a 10-part documentary DVD, this is like the NFL Films of books. Probably quite interesting and engrossing, though yet again, any humor found here would be minimal. Dave Barry’s Complete Guide To Guys by Dave Barry (Ballantine, April 1996 Paperback, 224 Pages, $13.95, ISBN: 0449910261) Sure, this book is 15 years old and not about sports, but it’s a great example of the type of material that this audience eats up. It’s a dude book. My book is a dude book. It’s filled with different ways to look at the subject of guydom, which is really what Things That Are Less Important Than Football is all about. Similar humor style as well. I haven’t won a Pulitzer, though.


This book is a collection of 35-40 essays, approximately 500-1500 words apiece.

Each essay will be supplemented with funny graphics, charts, illustrations and the like

(all of which I or my advertising friends can provide). While I’d stop short of calling this

book formulaic, it does borrow organizational elements from other successful humor

books, namely those written by Dave Barry, Chuck Klosterman and David Sedaris.

Sections

Antiquing Your Marriage Working Late On Monday Night Church

Breasts Cleaning The Garage Baseball Basketball Hockey Helping Junior With His Homework Bed, Bath & Beyond Picking Apples Grouting The Bathroom Floor Those Sunday Morning Infomercials Spending Time With The In-Laws Facebook Beverly Hills 90210 Marathon Boycotting Chris Berman


Taking A Piss Your Buddy’s Wedding Exercising Reducing Your Cholesterol Driving Safely Saving Money Paying Attention To Relatives During The Holidays Answering The Door Sunlight Yard Work Homework Sally’s Dance Recital Getting Some Culture Funerals Dignity “Ultimate” Fighting Reading Frostbite Soccer (The Lesser Football)


Publicity – TV & Radio

George Ellis and Brad Zibung (Editor In Chief, The Heckler) have appeared on

numerous TV and radio shows to talk about sports and sports humor-related topics.

Through The Heckler, Ellis and Zibung have existing relationships with a variety of

media personalities, and will secure coverage for the book with them.

In addition to interviews with various on-air personalities, George will use his

radio production resources to create humorous radio commercials for the book.

Publicity – Print

Through The Heckler, reviews and book mentions will be secured in the Chicago

Tribune and Chicago Sun-Times. A review of Things That Are Less Important Than

Football will also be featured prominently in The Heckler.

Publicity – Events

Book Release Party

The Heckler will arrange for an exclusive book release party at a Chicago area

sports bar. The party will feature entertainment and raffles, and will be promoted through

Metromix.com and The Heckler. The party for George’s previous book was attended by

275 people and resulted in a score of media mentions.

Marketing – Web

LessImportantThanFootball.com

I will secure a vanity URL and Facebook page to serve as the online home(s) for

the book. In addition to featuring snippets from Things That Are Less Important Than

Football, these outlets will have dynamic, newsworthy content.

• Humorous promotional videos. At my expense, I will use my advertising

expertise and network to create ads for the book

• Daily posts/jokes about the book and book-related content

• Link To TheHeckler.com and The Heckler’s robust Facebook page

• Tell-A-Friend Functions—Site visitors will be encouraged to send the

videos and book excerpts to friends and fellow football fans.

• Merchandise—Exclusive t-shirts developed through TheHeckler.com.

• Press Materials—Press releases, PDFs of ads and posters, information


about the author and The Heckler

TheHeckler.com

As an official Heckler offering, Things That Are Less Important Than Football

will be promoted heavily on TheHeckler.com, which draws between 3,000 and 10,000

unique visitors per day.

• Email Blast—Dedicated HTML email about the book (with links to

purchase) will be sent to 6,000 person opt-in database.

• Banner Ad—Professional banner ads on home page direct people to

Amazon and other online retailers

• Consumer Offer—Subscription to The Heckler free with book purchase

Marketing – Print & Online

I will employ a team of award-winning advertising creatives to develop ads for

the book. The ads will be featured in The Heckler and other online outlets. This will all

be done at no expense to the publisher—including the media costs.


Antiquing

If you wanted to spend a couple hours staring at rickety pieces of furniture, you’d

watch game film of the St. Louis Rams’ offensive line.

But noooo – some people want to go antiquing!

Before digging any deeper, can we all just agree that the term “antiquing” is

ridiculous? Does this pastime really deserve verb status? “Antique” was doing just fine as

a noun; there was no need for some bowtie-wearing snob to come along and give it even

one more line in the dictionary at the expense of other, more deserving verbs. Pizzaing,

for example. That’s a word we can get behind, along with all the sub-verbs it implies:

Pepperoniing, Sausaging and Deep-Dishing. It’s not like people go around saying they

spent the afternoon water heatering, even though given the choice, it’s pretty clear

shopping for water heaters is infinitely more exciting than haggling on the price of a

wicker chair from the 1970’s. Or is it the 1980’s? That’s part of the fun!

Wrong.

You may not be able to spell furniture without fun, but hey, the English language

isn’t perfect. Lest we forget it also produced the word “Bieber.”

Maybe it would be different if life imitated Antique Roadshow, and that ugly-ass

lamp was worth like $8,000 even though you found it in mammy’s basement. We don’t

live in that world, unfortunately.

Hence, driving all over creation to random flea markets is not more fun than

spending a relaxing day on the couch watching grown men violently collide with each

other. Just ask any Ancient Roman.2

“Hey Julius!” you could say to a 2nd century resident of Rome. “I know we were

planning to stop by the Coloseum today, but I have a lead on some great end tables at the

bazaar. Wanna go?”

And you know what Julius would say? Nothing. He’d be too busy hurling his

spear at your chest. He would literally murder you. And those guys MADE antiques all 2 Throughout this book, I’ll be using Ancient Romans as a base of manliness for comparison. While the men of ancient times didn’t have football, they did have gladiator fights, which are almost as awesome. Plus, these guys killed each other like ALL THE TIME.


the time. Their houses were literally filled with them!

But we digress. This is not about murder. This is about the choice between

violence or sideboards. That’s really the problem, isn’t it? When you read that sentence,

you were more than happy to move right along without actually knowing what the hell a

“sideboard” is. Unfortunately, antiquing doesn’t work like that. You can’t just walk into a

showroom and point at the first item you see, hoping your better half will agree and you

can both go get a taco. You need to talk about the history of the piece and learn the

difference between a cabinet and a sideboard. Because they’re not the same. Don’t even

get her started on armoires and dressers. See, a dresser is a table or stand, usually

surmounted by a mirror, in front of which a person sits while dressing or applying

makeup. An armoire is a large moveable cupboard with doors and shelves. They don’t

even belong in the same room! God, I can’t believe you didn’t know that. Then of course

there’s the bureau, which was popular in Boston during the 1900’s…

Oh, I’m sorry. Are you a corpse? Did you literally just die from boredom as I

explained in excruciating detail how horrible your life could be if you nod your head up

and down when she asks if you’ll go antiquing with her? At least you could take solace in

the fact you wouldn’t be alone, as the U.S. Department of Health estimates 450,000 men

die every year from being pelted with mundane facts about furniture and furniture

accessories.


It’s often helpful in these situations to consider the opposite alternative. For

example, how would an antiquing enthusiast feel if you asked her to watch an entire

afternoon of football with you? “Footballing,” you could call it, in an attempt to relate. If

she’s down for it, well, then you have yourself a Grade-A winner and maybe you better

do some antiquing after all (on a non-game

day, of course). But if she complains and

moans, remind her that a Chinese ottoman

never put food on the table, while that time

you won your Fantasy league put $1,000

directly into your bank account…which she shares!

You can also point out that, hey, this La-Z-Boy is doing just fine. Who needs

outdated, musty furniture when the stuff you already have is totally state of the art?

“Fine, honey,” you could offer. “If you can find an antique recliner with a built-in

cooler and massaging function, I’d be happy to stop by after the game and pick it up.

Now if you don’t mind, halftime is over so I really need to get back to not talking about

credenzas made for blue-haired ladies and British dudes.”


Your Marriage

Okay, maybe that’s a bit dramatic. While football is certainly more important than

individual aspects of your marriage such as sharing a bed or helping with the dishes, it

probably isn’t more important than the whole thing.

Or is it?

We’re talking about the NFL and NCAA, after all. That’s a fairly impressive

array of games to choose from on a weekly basis. In total, football has the ability to bring

you thousands of hours of happiness and excitement per season. Just to put a finer point

on it, that’s millions of tackles, scores of audibles and at least a few hundred cases of

beer. Every single year for the rest of your wife. Oops – that should have read “life.” The

rest of your life. The point is: what are the odds your marriage will be bringing you

happiness 5 years from now? How about 20? There’s no way to predict, except to say it’s

not very likely given current divorce rates. Assuming

a nuclear apocalypse doesn’t wipe out the entire

satellite TV grid, the forward pass will be making you

thank your lucky stars for its existence until the day

you die. As my wife likes to say, it gives me “that

look.” Apparently, this refers to some sort of frenetic

smile that spreads across my face starting around one

hour before game time. My voice gets a bit higher (according to her) and I tend to bounce

around the house, frantically trying to get everything ready. Food? Check. Chores done

so I can’t be bothered? Check. I even smile my way through a last second piss so I can

plant myself in the chair all the way through halftime regardless of how many beers I

chug during the first and second quarter. Then, once the game starts, I’m like a kid in a

candy store, only I’m 34 years old and the store sells touchdowns.

On the other hand, how many times per week do you stop and think, “Thank God

for my marriage!”

The answer is zero.3

Sure, ready access to sex and another set of hands to take care of the kids or pets

are nice, but you typically need those services most when you’re doing something like,

3 Not our marriage, honey. I’m speaking for everyone else in the country. The answer for me is eight.


oh, I don’t know, watching football.

Here’s another deposit for the football side of the ledger in this debate: Tuesday

and Wednesday. Those are the only days of the week that you need to survive without the

greatest sport in the history of the world. Thanks to the advent of Thursday night NFL

games and 721 additional bowl matchups, every other day is covered with wall-to-wall

pigskin action. And what’s your spouse got to counter?

Um, yeah, they’re still gonna want you to do shit for them on Tuesday and

Wednesday. They don’t abide by the five-day rule. They will nag and talk your ear off

Sunday through Saturday if they feel like it. Marriage is a 24/7 proposition that you can’t

turn on and off with a TV remote, and the only instant replays you get are when you did

something wrong and it’s time to be scolded for it yet again.

And that’s if you have a “good” marriage filled with “sharing” and

“conversation.” God forbid your marriage is on the rocks, which means your formerly-

loving partner now spends most of her (or his, if you’re one of the six ladies who

purchased this book) time purposely trying to annoy the hell out of you.

“Honey, don’t you think we should talk about __________?” or “Hey, did you

[insert chore here] yet?” These are just a couple of the questions you can expect from the

person who promised to “love, cherish and obey” you but now seems more interested in

crushing your soul. In return for crushing, you’re at least supposed to get a healthy

serving of sex. Ah, but the mood has to be right. You need to shower. There must be

foreplay that involves talking for some reason. Then you have to watch out for the

headaches, which can spring upon your spouse with no warning whatsoever.


When was the last time football got a headache when you wanted to have your

way with it – just because you smell vaguely like cheese?

Never, that’s when. Football’s not like that. If anything, cheese turns football on

and makes it want to go out and tackle somebody! Whatever that means. The average

NFL player doesn’t care if you unloaded the dishwasher or don’t spend enough time

working on your communication skills. They just want to hit somebody. And get paid.

College players are even more selfless. They’re doing it all for free (and a few

dollars/jewelry under the table).

Faced with this overwhelming avalanche of evidence, it’s pretty clear football is

indeed more important than your marriage. You’d be wise not to share that information,

however. Your spouse might get pretty testy if informed – albeit correctly – that the

relationship you’ve shared all these years means less to you than a battle of two last place

teams in week 14 of the season.


Working Late On Monday Night

The main thing that separates the United States from places like France and

Greece (other than the ocean) is our all-American work ethic. We are not a nation of

slouches. We care about a job well done. At the same time, we’re not career-obsessed

automatons. Just like the Greeks4, who value their relaxing-on-the-beach-in-Speedo-time,

we too enjoy our diversions. Football being chief among them, of course. So when it

comes down to a choice between putting in a few extra hours at the office or getting

home in time for that big Monday Night matchup, the decision isn’t that difficult. Careers

have a natural ebb and flow, anyway. It’s not like three extra hours of work are going to

net you much in the long-term.

And even if they might, is it really worth it?

No back-slap from the boss or 2% merit raise will make up for the fact that

everyone else in the country besides you saw your team pull victory from the jaws of

defeat with a 96-yard drive capped by a touchdown pass to the back of the endzone as

time expired.

Hey, it could happen. That’s the beauty of Monday night, baby!

Any boss worth their salt would understand that. If you work for the kind of

jerkwad that (a) doesn’t respect America’s game of the week, (b) probably likes Gossip

Girl and (c) would rather have a disgruntled employee than a happy one, then you need to

quit that job straight away.

Life’s too short and this game of ours is too sacred.

Sure, the quality of the broadcast has gone downhill since the days of Howard

Cosell and Don Meredith. The whole thing has been ESPN-ized and they let Jon Gruden

proclaim that every single play is “the best I’ve ever seen” while his buddy Ron Jaworski

professes his undying love for any quarterback that can complete one pass in three. But

that doesn’t change this game’s place in the pantheon of classic sports showdowns. What

if you were working late on that fateful night in November of 2000 when Vinny

Testaverde guided the Jets to a magical 40-37 overtime victory against Miami? The guy’s

freaking colorblind! Would you really be able to forgive yourself for missing that epic

battle? No TPS Report is that important.

4 Don’t worry: I can say this since I’m half-Greek.


“But I don’t want to be fired in this economy,” you might be whining. “If I don’t

stay late, I might get laid off and then my family will be sad and homeless.”

True. That could happen. But at least you’d teach your kids about sacrifice. That’s

what true heroes do: they sacrifice for the things they love, in this case an awesome sport.

Imagine how proud your son would be when other kids at the schoolyard tease him

because he’s poor or his dad is out of work. “He did it for football,” your kid could reply.

Wow.

That’s powerful stuff.

Still, the matter should never get that far. Any smart football fan always has

multiple contingency plans in effect should they need an easy out. If your team is playing

on Monday Night, for instance, you really should’ve been cultivating a fake illness since

the previous Thursday. Colloquially, this is known as “sickeration.”

“Man…I don’t feel so great,” you’d say

at about 3:45 on Thursday, followed up by a

weak cough. “I just hope this bug takes care of

itself over the weekend so I can really hit the

ground running on Monday.”

Why Thursday? Friday is too obvious. You might as well grab a megaphone and

shout your plan to the entire office. Anyway, step two occurs Monday morning, when

you wipe some dish soap on your face and show up with what appears to be pink eye. But

you push through until 4:15, of course, at which point you “just need to close your eyes

for a few hours.”


Or, you can just give in. Stay late! Put that career ahead of your real passion.

Move to Greece or Italy while you’re at it and start following…soccer. It’ll be doubly fun

when your boss takes credit for your work the next day anyway.


Church

This is a tough one.

If heaven does exist, 94% of the activities will surely revolve around football, so

you definitely want to spend an eternity there playing, watching and talking about your

favorite sport while a heavenly host provides a 24/7 tailgate feast. And can you imagine

what the cheerleaders in heaven would look like? Yowza.

On the other hand, you only live once. Most of the best/nasty players are probably

going to hell anyway, so how good will those games at Pearly Gate Stadium really be

without evildoers like Dick Butkus, Ray Lewis and Bill Romanowski? We’re not saying

it’d be powder puff, but a roster full of Tim Tebows doesn’t exactly ooze excitement.

As is usually the case, the key here is compromise. If postgame prayers are any

indication, God cares a ton about the NFL5, so He’s bound to give you some leeway in

the area of church attendance. Maybe you attend services on your team’s bye week? Hey,

that doesn’t sound altogether terrible.

Or what if, during commercial breaks,

you flip over to the Christian channel and

watch a few minutes of that fiery televangelist.

You know, the guy with the toupee who’s

always sweating profusely and asking for

donations? Does that count? Those commercial breaks can really add up over the course

of the regular season and playoffs. Plus you wouldn’t have to watch lame Miller Lite ads

recycling “man purse” jokes for the millionth time.

And let’s not forget the little-known-but-all-important 11th Commandment that

Moses brought down the mountain on his second trip: “Thou shalt not abandon thy

friends.” Of course, in some translations “friends” is replaced with “allies,” and if an

NFL team doesn’t consider its fans its “allies,” then we don’t know what. Factoring in

that the team is 7-2 this season when you watch them live, should you really abandon

them just because 21st century society says you should attend church on this particular

day?

5 He also cares about college football. Just to a lesser degree. Even with his infinite wisdom, the Lord has no idea what may happen on any given Sunday. NCAA matchups are much easier for Him to predict.


They probably didn’t even have Sundays back when the Bible was written! Every

day was just like “tomorrow” or “when we sheer the sheep.”

But, fine, let’s say your faith is extremely important to you or someone you don’t

feel like getting divorced from or dumped by. That’s why the good Lord invented Tivo

and cellphones, the latter of which you will turn off, along with the radio, so you can live

in a complete non-score bubble until you get home and watch the game as if it were

happening live.

We are reminded of “The Parable of the Flatscreen,” from Matthew 13: 4-27. In

it, two residents of Jerusalem ask Jesus to settle a dispute for them. One is a Chargers fan

and the other is a Bears fan. The first wants to watch his team play on CBS, while his

brother wants to watch the Bears on FOX. Both games take place at noon. Jesus tells the

men to bring him to their home and show him the TV (it’s an early model Samsung

Flatscreen). As game time approached, Jesus asked the two men what they valued more:

their brother or football? Each of them responded by saying the game was important.

Jesus smiled and told them they had passed the test. He then miraculously made a second

television appear in the den, so both men could watch their games.

The lesson?

“Nothing is more important than football,” Jesus told the men. “Even siblings.

Once you realize that, the truth will set you free. Also, I require two bottles of wine for

that miracle. I could turn some of this water into wine, but I’d prefer to have something

with a bit more vintage. Cool?”

The men agreed. It was cool.


With all this church talk, we don’t want to leave out some of the other faiths. G-d

knows Jewish people have missed their fair share of hot NCAA action because of the

Sabbath. The nice thing about Judaism, however, is that it affords you the opportunity to

question your faith. “Is it a truly terrible thing to skip temple and watch the game instead,

knowing I have already forsaken such football-watching staples as bacon and Polish

sausage?” We’re pretty sure that’s a fair trade: If you’re willing to give up pig products,

you should at least get a nice, juicy football game in return.


Breasts

North vs. South. The Allied Forces vs. Germany. The War of 1812…maybe.

There are only a handful of battles epic enough to rise to the level of Football vs. Breasts.

In one corner, we’ve got the jubblies. Since the dawn of time, man has been

willing to do just about anything to get a peek at these miracles of nature – let alone

squeeze them. Big. Small. Perky. It’s not the size of the breast in the bra, it’s the fact that

there are breasts at all. And two of them! Which begs the question: sometime back in the

evolutionary chain, were there one-breasted hominids who got weeded out by natural

selection? Talk about Darwinism at its best.

In the other corner, a sport that needs no introduction. This juggernaut produced

everything from the forward pass to the fake punt. Many doctors even believe football

can cure malaria.6

So let’s dissect a typical matchup.

Situation: You’re sitting on the couch Saturday night, watching a hell of an SEC-

Big 12 showdown. Sure, your alma mater is Iowa, but that doesn’t matter. A game is on

and you’re fully invested. It’s only the second quarter, but it’s already clear this one is an

Instant Classic. Suddenly, your wife/girlfriend decides she wants a little lovin’ from the

man of the house. (That’s you).

Do you:

A) Turn off the game and get down to business

B) Try to hold her off until after the game

C) Combine the game and sex into pure awesomeness

As much as you wish it wasn’t the case, C is simply not feasible. Sorry bro. Unless

you actually happen to BE a famous football player, the odds of you pulling off the

game-breast combo are worse than your favorite team coming back from a three-

touchdown 4th quarter deficit.

Which leaves two realistic options: ditch the football or try to postpone the breasts for

an hour or two. It’s one of the toughest calls you’ll ever have to make. But there is a

relatively obvious answer. See, the breasts aren’t going anywhere. Oh, sure, they might

get their feelings hurt and boycott you for a few days, but unless the breasts and their host

6 This statement has not been approved by the FDA, but is otherwise credible and certainly possible.


up and walk out on you, they’re here to stay. Our money’s on the hurt feelings – not the

walkout. Those breasts have invested a lot of time and effort in you, after all, so it’s not

likely that this particular moment is the straw that broke the camel’s back. They plan to

wear you down over the long haul (clearly unaware of your determination when it comes

to football).

On the other hand, football games are a limited time offer. It’s not like you can just

call up the NCAA offices and have them finish the game tomorrow. You may not be able

to live without the game – but it can live without you (damn you, football gods!). The

other wrinkle to consider is that you’ll be provided about 10 solid minutes worth of

breast-peeking per game thanks to beer commercials and any cheerleaders that might be

attached to either team. And as Mark Twain once said: “A breast in the hand is worth two

in the eye…but two in the eye is better than nothing!”


Funerals

People die.

I get it.

That doesn’t mean we should dishonor their memory by forcing the mourners to

wear hidden headphones during the funeral so they don’t miss the big game. Instead,

society should recognize the folly of scheduling funerals on Saturday and Sunday. Even

if you don’t bring football into the equation, Tuesday makes for a much better cemetery

visit, giving friends and relatives a valid reason to ditch work, getting the funeral off to

a positive start. You’re much more likely to remember the better qualities of a lost loved

one if his funeral actually helps you in some small way.

“That Bob…he was always thinking of others.”

As opposed to Sunday services:

“I can’t believe I have to miss the Bears-Packers for this. Even in death, Bob

continues to be a huge pain in the ass. I’m glad he got hit by that bus. My only regret is

that it didn’t happen during the off-season.”

Yikes. That’s a real difference!

And the closer you are to the deceased, the worse the situation. If it’s a choice

between attending the funeral of your cousin’s wife, for example, you can probably

weasel out of that one fairly easily – and not feel a tinge of remorse. But if we’re talking

about your Aunt Margaret, the woman who

helped raise you, it’s a different story. Your

absence certainly won’t go unnoticed. One

can imagine your mother dabbing her eyes

with a handkerchief as she scans the crowd

wondering where her little Teddy (that’s you) could be. The funeral started 20 minutes

ago. Now, let’s be fair: you’re not a total jerk with a heart made of frozen coal. You do

genuinely feel bad about Aunt M’s passing. The lady was a saint. Hell, maybe you

should skip the game…


To paraphrase Marsellus Wallace in Pulp Fiction, “You may feel a slight sting.

That’s emotion fucking with you. Fuck emotion. Emotion only hurts. It never helps.

You fight through that shit.”

Indeed. You need to fight through the misgivings about skipping the funeral and

weigh just how important football really is to you. The players are still alive and

kicking, right? Aunt Margaret is gone. You could skip an entire season’s worth of

football and it still wouldn’t bring her back from the grave. Plus, you can visit her

headstone and reminisce anytime. That’s what she would want anyway. Remember

when you were a kid and she used to cut the crust off your special game-day peanut

butter and jelly sandwiches? The woman just wanted you to be happy, and if that means

scarfing down an entire bag of Doritos while you watch an epic NFC North matchup, so

be it.

“Win this one for Aunt Maggie,” you could say to the TV, then nod your head

silently as if to drive home the point. “C’mon Bears. Win it for her.”

Of course, in the event the deceased was a huge pigskin fan, there is one way to

pay the ultimate respect. Schedule the funeral for about 9 a.m. on Sunday, so everyone

can either (a) get back home in time for the game or (b) gather for a giant football

watching party, turning a somber occasion into a reason to celebrate. Seven layer dip for

everyone! It’s what Bob would’ve wanted! Then you just sit back and let the soothing

analysis of FOX commentators Kenny Albert and Daryl “Moose” Johnston ease the

sense of loss. Just don’t follow it up with Animation Domination, as that hasn’t made

anyone feel better (or even smile) since 2008.


The book will also feature longer form “infographics” in selected sections.

George Ellis [email protected] 310-403-1649Things That Are Less Important Than Football by...

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