FWM 2009 07 and 08

� FamilyWorks Magazine - July & August, �009 www.familyworks.org

July & August, 2009

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3 Three Tricks to Bouncing Back Aboard the Weight-loss Wagon By Dr. Leslie Van Romer

4 Five Ways to Help Your Graduate Be a Better Man By Dottie DeHart

6 The Prince/Princess Syndrome By Dr. Donna LaMar & Betsy Laney

8 From a Z Student to an A Student By Steve Simpson

APPLE FamilyWorks 11 Calendar 12Education Programs 13Counseling Programs 14 Special Needs Programs

16 Major Depression and Family By Gary Direnfeld, LCSW

18 Peddling Around Marin By Kim Baenisch

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FamilyWorks Magazine - July & August, �009 �www.familyworks.org

This is your year . . . to feel good about you! This time, you’re really determined. You are sick and tired of how you look and feel.

You give yourself that familiar pep talk: “Now is the time to eat better, exercise more, and shed those layers – once and for all!” You know what to do, you tell yourself. The tricky part is to DO it and stick to it.

It’s easy to hop aboard a plan to lose weight and get fit. But it’s even easier to fall off the plan, no matter how loudly those skinny jeans call to you.

Let’s get real. If you are a mere mortal on this planet, the question to ask yourself is not what to do if you fall off the wagon, but rather, what to do when you fall off the wagon.

These three simple strategies will help you get on that weight-loss, get-fit track, stay on track, and get you back on track when you fall into those potholes along the way.

1. Design a Simple PlanYou’ve got to have a simple, doable-for-you plan, so when you slip off the wagon, it’s effortless to climb aboard once again. No big deal.

Here’s a simple weight-loss, health-boosting plan, called 10+10 for Life, with three simple rules: Add, Stop, and Wiggle!

Add and fill up on the best-for-you foods first – fresh fruits and veg-etables. It’s not about “giving up” food faves. It’s about which foods

you “get to” add to your day – like lots of fruits and vegetables, the foods that give you the most nutrition for the calorie buck. Then, if

you wish, eat other foods – the ones that tend to be loaded with fat, cholesterol, sugar, salt, and/or chemicals, and too many

calories. You will automatically eat less of those foods, thus consuming fewer calories.

For example, for breakfast, you could graze on fresh fruits throughout the morning – not just one banana

or one apple but enough fruits to fill you up. For lunch, fill up on a 10-veggie, rainbow-colored salad – large enough to satisfy your hunger drive for at least two hours. Healthy snack choices

range from fresh fruits and cut-up veggies to something hot and savory, such as hot veggie-

based soup or a bowl of beans and rice.For dinner, eat the good stuff first – salad, steamed

veggies, and a more filling vegetable, like potato, yam, or winter squash (nix the butter and sour cream, spread with pureed

avocado and fresh tomatoes), if you’re still hungry, then eat the baked chicken. You will automatically eat more of the weight warriors

and health heroes and less of the chicken (38 percent less fat minus the skin) without fussing about portion size or counting calories. And the best

part, you will be full and satisfied, not deprived, starving, and craving.

Three Tricks to Bouncing Back Aboard the Weight-loss Wagon

By Dr. Leslie Van Romer

continued on page 15


Five Ways to Help Your Graduate

“In the wake of Wall Street scandals, bank bailouts, and various corporate wrongdoings, we’re seeing a renewed em-phasis on ethics and good behavior,” says Johnson, editor of A Better Man: True American Heroes Speak to Young Men on Love, Power, Pride and What It Really Means to Be a Man, “It’s not that unethical behavior has ever been promoted, but in the past it has been quietly condoned, or at the very least, people have looked the other way.

“That’s no longer the case,” she adds. “Good behavior is a requirement once again. And what that means for our sons is that educators, employers, and partners will be looking for evidence of those old-fashioned values that used to define manhood—like honesty, hard work, and respect. Those values will lay the foundation for successful careers at school and in the workforce.”

It’s those values, and other positive ones, that Johnson’s book celebrates. A Better Man is a compilation of interviews and essays from some of the most successful and engaging men in America today. Its pages are filled with words of wis-dom from men ranging from former military officers to current NBA stars who share the lessons they’ve learned about what

By Dottie DeHart

Be a Better Man

Whether your son is headed off to college or entering the workforce, you desperately want him to succeed. Is there a final word of wisdom you can leave with him as he parades across the stage and into an uncertain future? “Yes”, says Kelly Johnson, “and it’s one you won’t mind sharing: A profound shift has taken place in America’s culture and suddenly, character counts again.”

FamilyWorks Magazine - July & August, �009 5www.familyworks.org

it really means to be a man.Johnson says her book is meant

to fill the moral void left by a time-crunched society and a popular culture that celebrates the acquisition of power and money at all costs, not to mention sex, violence, and self-gratification. It’s also the perfect graduation gift from parents, grandparents, teachers, or friends who want to equip the young men they love with the means to become a new generation of heroes.

Here are some life lessons John-son says her book conveys:

Be Known for Moral Courage When you think of bravery

and heroic acts, you probably picture a fireman pulling a victim from a burning building or a soldier throwing himself on a grenade to save his fellow men. Moral courage is less visible but no less important. It reveals itself in the friend who withholds car keys from an intoxicated peer, the student who refuses to help his friend cheat on a test, or the employee who blows the whistle on an unethical boss. Rather than making the easier choice to go along with the crowd, true heroes and real men, like the ones in Johnson’s book, take the road less traveled.

“If there is one message that I want boys to take away from this book, it’s that nice guys don’t finish last,” says Johnson. “More often than not, they end up being more successful and have lives that are much more fulfilling than those who ignore ethics and work only for their own personal gain. Even-tually, the Bernie Madoffs of the world will have their day of reck-oning. Whether they get caught or they lose their wealth or families, in the end they are left alone with a path of destruction in their wake. I want our boys to see this end result and to think I want something bet-ter for myself than that.”

Your Past Does Not Have to Determine Your Future

It’s true that the place we come from and the experiences we have play a role in determining who we become as adults. But what many young men don’t realize is that an underprivileged childhood doesn’t predestine them for a future that’s “more of the same.” We live in a country that is founded on the dream to do better than the generation before us; a land of opportunity where hard work pays off and where redemption is possible. Helping a young man see this truth is one of the greatest graduation gifts you could ever bestow.

“It’s so frustrating to watch this gener-

ation of young men accept the life they’ve been given without fight-ing for something more,” says Johnson. “So many of the men I interviewed for this book didn’t come from great neighborhoods or Ivy League schools, and a lot of them made some pretty major mistakes along the way. Those same boys grew up to be men of honor and integrity, despite their pasts. They are a true testament to what the future generation of men can be, if they will refuse to accept the easy road and strive toward their true destiny.”

Have a Hero ComplexAsk any little boy what he wants

to be when he grows up and the answer will surely be similar: a fireman, a police officer, an army man—a hero. Sadly, somewhere along the way, boys let go of those dreams and begin to define suc-cess through power, glory, and material wealth. “Pursuing a career that doesn’t involve saving lives or defending the helpless isn’t any less respectful—or manly, for that matter—but losing the essence of what those little boy dreams mean is a tragedy,” asserts Johnson. Being a hero can be as simple as vol-unteering at the local soup kitchen or becoming a Big Brother—or standing up for the classmate or coworker who’s

being mistreated.“What I want these boys to

remember is why they looked up to those heroes in the first place,” explains Johnson. “The men I worked with on this book all shared a common trait—they were heroes—and not because they rushed into a burning build-ing or jumped out of a plane. But because, throughout the course of their lives, they consistently chose the hard right over the easy wrong; they acted with integrity and honor even in the most difficult of circumstances; and they

If more young men took the initiative

at a young age to live their lives with honor and integrity, it would

set a new standard for the generations

to follow.

We mustemphasize thatthe journey tobeing a better

man starts now,and no day in

the process shouldbe wasted. continued on page 10


By Dr. Donna LaMarand Betsy Laney

You likely see princes and princesses every day: The baby who fusses for less than ten seconds before Mom or Dad comes running. The toddler who “won’t let” Mom leave the store without always buying a new toy. The teenager who dictates what brand of everything the family purchases – from clothing to electronic equipment.

These so-called princes and princesses have com-plete control over the household. And when they

don’t get their way, everyone within earshot knows about it.

While this type of behavior has always been in existence, we see

more of it these days. Between both parents working outside

the home and an influx of media messages that

distort what a parent/child relationship

should resem-ble, too many

The Prince/ Princess Syndrome

These so-called princes and princesses have complete control over the household. And when they don’t get their way, everyone within earshot knows about it.

FamilyWorks Magazine - July & August, �009 �www.familyworks.org

parents today are either trying to be their child’s best friend, or they’re trying to relive their own childhood through their children.

However, parents need to realize that their number one responsibility is to prepare their children for life – the good, the bad, and the ugly of it. Always giving in to what your child wants is actually harming the child, making him or her irresponsible, uncaring, and simply not ready for the real world. In fact, a child who isn’t given an opportunity to learn how to deal with life or how to cope with making mistakes is being neglected and abused.

Despite what many parents think, chil-dren thrive on routine, limits, and rules. Those three things equal security for them. When routines, limits, and rules are lacking, children become terrified, neurotic, anxious, and upset because they know they’re not supposed to be in charge.

If you fear that one of your children is currently a prince or princess, or if you want to avoid creating one in the first place, you need to change your perspec-tive of yourself, your child, and your parenting techniques from being totally permissive to displaying appropriate au-thority. That’s the only way you’ll help your children develop into responsible, caring adults. Use the following sugges-tions to help guide your efforts.

Make Your Child Responsible for Age Appropriate Behaviors and Responsibilities

Giving your child chores and re-sponsibilities starts as early as age two. Children need to learn early that every-one in the family has to work together to get everything done. Toddlers can set the table, empty their trash from their room, put their dirty clothes in the hamper, and pick out their own clothes. Preschoolers can be responsible for keeping their room clean, packing their clothes for a trip, putting their clothes away from the laundry, and caring for a pet. As children get older, they can mow the lawn, vacuum, do laundry,

and cook a simple meal. The key is to give the child age appropriate tasks that teach him or her how to be an adult. With that said, you have to be aware of when the child can’t handle something and be able to step in to teach and guide the child before things get out of control. This may include stopping an activity that is not safe and teaching them why.

Refuse to Allow Your Child to Manipulate You, Others, or the World

When children act out at home, they sometimes do not act out in other places; however, the prince and princess usually do. They expect everyone to treat them as royalty. And sometimes grandparents or other well-meaning adults, may inad-vertently help this behavior continue by bowing down to it. That’s why you need to stop the behavior at home right away before it gets out of hand and continues into other areas of the child’s life. If you allow your child to believe that the rules don’t apply to him or her at home, then there’s no way the child will be able to follow the rules at school or in life.

When there is a Temper Tantrum, Give Children What They Don’t Want Versus What They Do Want

Giving into a temper tantrum only reinforces bad behavior. Instead, ignore the tantrum. For example, if a child is throwing a tantrum because she wants a cookie, that cookie just disappeared. It no longer exists and therefore the child can’t have it. Unfortunately, many par-ents and children are confused between wants and needs. Wants don’t have to be fulfilled; needs do. Typically tantrums involve wants. To effectively deal with tantrums, parents need to shift into a neutral gear and be calm and assertive during a tantrum. Don’t play into the child’s emotion. Make sure the child is safe, and then calmly walk away. Once

the audience is gone (you) the tantrum will usually stop.

Don’t Rescue Your Children When They Make Bad Decisions, Unless They are in Danger

Parents naturally want to rescue their children from doing something stupid, but you need to resist that urge and let children make their own mistakes (with-in reasonable safety parameters). Parent your children with both your head and your heart. That means before you step in and “protect” your child, you have to ask yourself, “Should I really give in to this? If I do this, is this going to help this child to become a responsible adult?” For example, suppose you grounded your child for a week. By day two, you can’t drop it back to a two-day ground-ing, believing your child has learned his or her lesson. Rather, you need to let your children suffer the repercussions of any decision they make. Remember that it’s only in the pain and the suffering that we grow. If you take that away from your children, you’re essentially saying, “I’m choosing to not let you grow; I don’t love you enough.” When you truly love someone, you care enough to help that person grow physically, emotion-ally, mentally, and spiritually.

Always giving in to

what your child wants

is actually harming

the child, making him

or her irresponsible,

uncaring, and simply

not ready for the real

world.

continued on page 10


My total lowest grade on a test was a negative 20. How you might ask? During the test I did what I always did and that was to taunt

the “smart kids” who I was jealous of. The teacher told

me, “Get back in your seat and whatever you get I’m taking off 20 points”. So I didn’t even try. There’s nothing posi-tive about zero minus 20.

At that point in the school year, I would have needed

all hundreds for the rest of the year just to receive a passing

grade! I was always making jokes in class. I alternated between the class clown by being obnoxious and the class tough guy by getting into

fights. Either role usually got me thrown out of class. Basically if you didn’t laugh at my jokes I

By Steve Simpson

My first years in school, I was a Z student - that would be the opposite of an A student. With the uncertainty of stocks or the remote chances of someone winning the lotto, your safest bet was that I would fail whatever test

I was given and undoubtedly get the lowest grade in the

class. Ironically, I used to pride myself on repeatedly

holding that title.

Learn What Makes a Difference!

From a StudentZto an Student...A


beat you up. Everybody loved to sit next to me, especially at lunch, to see what Steve would do next. On the surface, I appeared to be very popular. Of course it didn’t take a genius to figure out that the kids who hung around me were my friends because of what I did and not for who I was. And, why the low school grades, you ask? I didn’t even try and never studied. I did, however, spend a lot of time figuring out ways to cheat on tests. I would spend hours on this particular task. My friends would come by the house and ask me to go hang out and I would say, “I’m still trying to figure out how to cheat on this next test. I have to try to pass it”. Their reply, “Why don’t you just study? It would take half the time”. I thought that to be useless advice. You see, I had incredibly low self-esteem. When I think back, perhaps I had absolutely no self-esteem at all. I honestly believed that even if I studied I would fail.

My father was a violent, abusive alcoholic who, for as far back as I can remember, told me how stupid and useless I was. And, although the physical abuse was horrific, the things he said to me (verbal abuse) were far more damag-ing to me then anything else he ever did to me. By the time I started the first grade, I already believed I was a failure. I also formed a negative opinion of adults because of my father. As a result, I would be aggressive with teachers. The aggression was a defensive reaction to my fear that they would say or do something to me. Even though part of me felt my father’s abusiveness was wrong, part of me also felt I deserved it for being a “bad child”. I thought the problems in the house were entirely my fault. Like so many other victims of child abuse, I felt guilty about my father’s drinking. Like most children in these situations, I also moved a lot and had to start different schools, which added to my loneliness.

Eventually I ended up in foster care. I was very lucky to have had good experiences and good people in the foster home. However, when I moved in with my foster family, I once again was forced to start at a brand new school, in a brand new town where nobody knew me. I know the new school’s administration had been complaining about not getting my school records from previous schools (the old schools probably burned them for fear I would come back)! The first day I was at my new school, there was a creative writing assignment. The one thing I ever gave myself credit for was being able to write stories and poems. In fact, there were times I used to cut school and literally hang out in the public library reading and writing my own stories. So picture this, I’m this rebellious child who thinks he’s a failure and has cut school since a very early age, but spends his time reading and writing. Talk about a dichotomy! And, it all boiled down to my massive self-esteem issue. I, of course did really well on that writing assignment, and the teacher proclaimed, “You’re so talented; you must have been a top student at your previous school!” I just smiled and knew

that once she had thrown me out of class for the fiftieth time in the first month, she’d eat those words.

During that same time period, I had joined a self-help sup-port group for teenagers with my background. The question was put to me, “Do I really enjoy and want to be a problem child in school and have bad grades?” When I really thought about it, the answer was “no”. Another question was asked of me, “Why do I think I am so stupid or a failure?” The group leaders pointed out my strong writing abilities. I told them that, since I was born, my father had always told me that I was a stupid failure. As the words left my mouth, I had an epiphany and came to the conclusion that I was basing my opinion of myself on the words of someone who was drunk most of the time and whose life was totally unmanageable.

I didn’t even know how to study, since I never had in my entire life. So I swallowed my pride and asked those who did well in school to teach me how. At that same time, the suggestion was made to me by an older member of the group to try out some different sports. It would help to keep my mind off all of my problems and release any stress and/or frustration that I was feeling. So I joined the wrestling team and then eventually the track team. At first, it was just to appease this friend. After a period of trial and error and not giving up, I began to pass everything. Eventually I did much better than passing.

continued on page ��

10 FamilyWorks Magazine - July & August, �009 www.familyworks.org

strove for the best in themselves while treating others with respect.

All boys can grow into men who do the same.”

Work Toward the Highest Possible Goal (even if it seems impossible)

As a kid, it’s easy to dream of being the president of the United States, the next great NBA star, or even a future Bill Gates. As life goes on and reality sets in, those dreams are set aside for what seem like more attainable goals. But regardless of where they end up, “better men” are born out of the desire to be something great and to do some-thing important in life. They never lose that goal.

“As parents we struggle with the desire to encourage our kids to dream big with the fear of setting them up for failure,” explains Johnson. “But what I learned from the men in my book is that even when they didn’t reach their ultimate goal in the end, it still paid off.

Kids who are working toward a big goal are more likely to stay out of trouble, keep their grades up, and respect the authority of teachers and parents. As you are sending the boy in your life off to college or out in the real world, you can be assured that it won’t matter where his journey ends, because the journey itself will be rich and fulfilling.”

Being a Better Man Starts NowFor young men, the life that looms

ahead of them feels endless. It’s easy for them to believe they have all the time in the world to chase their dreams and become all they can be. But we adults know differently, don’t we? Time slips away, and before we know it, the distant and far-off future has suddenly become today. That’s why we must emphasize that the journey to being a better man starts now, and no day in the process should be wasted.

“If more young men took the initiative at a young age to live their lives with honor and integrity, it would set a new standard for the generations to follow,” asserts Johnson. “We have to explain to our boys that being a role model doesn’t

start when you are an adult. Whether they realize it or not, there are younger siblings, teammates, and peers at school who are watching the way they speak and act. By carrying themselves with dignity now, they can have a tremendous impact on those around them.”

“Becoming a better man doesn’t hap-pen overnight,” Johnson concludes. “Like any good thing, it requires time and patience, and most importantly, a willingness on the part of our boys to strive for something better. If we con-tinue to present them with role models and heroes who they can look up to and emulate, we’ll get them started on the path that leads to success. And as they take those first tentative steps into adult-hood, we can rest assured that we’ve pointed them in the right direction.”

An occasional lead singer in a local rock band, Kelly Johnson has written for both local and national parenting magazines including Richmond Woman on-line, Memphis Parent Magazine, Charlotte Parent, V Magazine for Women, Fifty Plus, and Family Fun. A Better Man is published by Brandylane Publishers, Inc.

Better Mancontinued from page 5

Teach Your Children About the Needs and Wants of Other People

In order for your children to grow up into responsible and caring adults, they need to understand that other people have needs, wants, and feelings too. Some ways to foster this attitude in your children include:

Having them decide which of their toys they’d like to give to children who don’t have toys

Letting them use their own money to purchase needed items for others (such as food baskets for the poor)

Encouraging them to give away some of their clothes to a clothes closet or charity.

Parents set the tone for this behavior.

So if your children are not aware of other people’s needs and wants, you need to help them have experiences that teach them these things.

Responsible Parenting Yields Responsible Children

If you think you’re doing something wonderful for your children by “giving them everything,” think again. You’re really just creating monsters. Addi-tionally, parents who raise princes and princesses typically suffer too. They lose who they are because they’re spend-ing so much time trying to please their children.

Always remember that good parent-ing means helping your children grow and develop into the best people they can be. This usually involves setting limits; teaching children how to handle

challenges, stress, and difficult times; demonstrating how to be in relationships appropriately; modeling patience and ap-propriate giving; and teaching kindness. The goal is to prepare your children to become healthy, responsible, contribut-ing members of society. By following all these steps, you can finally end the reign of terror that has been dominating your household and raise healthy, productive, and emotionally secure children who are assets to your community.

Dr. Donna LaMar and Betsy Laney are psychologists who created The Farm, an educational, mental health and preventive program for youth and fami-lies. In addition, Dr. LaMar is working on her book, “If Marie Can Do it, So Can I!” about transcending abuse. For more information on their work, visit: www.LivingFarm.org.

Princesscontinued from page �


7 ExplorandolaMaternidadJuntas-10am-12n-Novato

ExploringMotherhood-6:30-8pm-FamilyWorks

10 Help! (theBeatles)SanAnselmo-8pm

11 Buena Vista Social ClubSanGeronimo-8pm

ManhattanSF-UnionSquare,-8pm


ExploringMotherhood6:30-8pm-FamilyWorks

17 Blade RunnerSanAnselmo-8pm

18 Back to the FutureSanAnselmo-8pm



24 Who Killed the Electric Car?SanAnselmo-8pm

25 Forbidden PlanetSanAnselmo-8pm

28 ExplorandolaMaternidadJuntas-10am-12n

ExploringMotherhood-6:30-8p

Calendar of Services & Events

1 Iron ManMillValley-8pm

Pretty in PinkSF-DeloresPark-8pm



7 Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless MindSanAnselmo-8pm

8 Harry Potter and the Order of PhoenixSanAnselmo-8pm



14 Lost In TranslationSanAnselmo-8pm

15 RatatouilleSanAnselmo-8pm

16 DuelSanAnselmo-8pm



22 On the WaterfrontSF-UnionSquare-8pm



28 Cool RunningsSanGeronimo-8pm

29 DumboMillValley-8pm

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Child-Centered Co-ParentingParents who are living apart learn how to raise their children harmoniously, keep children “out of the middle” and safely in each of their lives. Parents attend in separate classes and learn to:

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Seven Tuesday evenings:

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Family Therapy and CouplesCounselingConcerns, hopes and dreams, as well as practical and effective relationship tools are explored. The result is increased understanding and empathy, more cooperation and more fun in family life through:

and Conflicts

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IndividualTherapyof theoretical approaches,FamilyWorks’ therapists help individuals to develop healthy life skills and increase their social-emotional well being. We are skilled in helping with a broad range of relationship and psychological issues, including:

TransitionsSelf-Esteem

Visit our websitefor more program information

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TherapywithChildrenWith Child-centered “playrooms,” and a wide variety of expressive arts, including FamilyWorks’ specialized sand-tray materials, children “play” in ways that allow them to bring their thoughts and emotions to the surface. As children’s experiences and knowledge are more and more freely communicated through play, the therapist works with those themes as a vehicle for self- acceptance and emotional regulation.

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expressive arts therapy, interactive play/exercises and outdoor activities, teens find new ways to resolve problems, build greater self-esteem and enhance their social skills in ways that support their healthy growth and development.


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Our StaffProgram Director, Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith, RN, PHN, MFT ensures service excellence with her experience as a public health nurse, life-skills coach, parenting educator and marriage and family therapist.

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Support Staff Include: Patricia Saunders, MA, MFT, Lew Tremaine, Candace Fraser and Diana Wilkins.

Our MissionTo enhance each individual’s health and development, including interaction with friends, family, work and community. Services take place in the consumer’s residence, community facilities and other environments in the area served by the Regional Centers: SARC - RCEB – GGRC – NBRC.

ParentingSupport Services

Family Planning

Stress Reduction

in Postpartum Depression

and Hygiene

and Exercise

and Transportation

and Budgeting

Support Systems

IndependentLiving Skills

and Exercise

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Social Support Systems

Who DoWe Serve?We serve adults and children with developmental disabilities.

Our ProcessThe all-inclusive, wrap-around program is cost-effective and eliminates duplication of services. An assessment and individual service plan will be written by APPLE FamilyWorks for approval by Regional Center case managers.

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Stop eating when your brain says, “I’m full!” That’s before your stomach begs for mercy. Yes it’s tricky when you’re eating those foods that you love to eat, but the more fruits and vegetables you eat, the easier it is to stop. After all, how many apples can you eat at one time? Maybe one? On the other hand, how much pizza, French fries, chips, or chocolate can you eat? Eating slowly helps, too.

Give yourself wiggle room. Follow the 80/20 rule. Eighty percent of the time, when you are home and you can plan and prepare, make smart choices that feed, not deplete, your body. Twenty percent of the time, when you go out, invite folks in, travel, or celebrate a special occasion, don’t worry about it – eat what you want. Just get back on the plan (think addition, not subtraction!) the next meal, day, or week.

2. Step into hope and out of hopelessness

When it comes to weight woes, it’s easy to feel trapped in a downward spiral and give up. You’ve got to have hope. This time you can and will get into those pants. Hope is fueled by a simple plan – a plan that makes sense to you, gives tangible results, and builds excitement and confidence. You know you can do it – and not for the short sprint of a week or month, but for the rest of your life! Add, stop and wiggle your way through that door of hope.

3. Seek support and accountability

Studies confirm the people who suc-cessfully reach their ideal weight and health goals, and stay there, share one common denominator: support and ac-countability. Yes, we all think that we should be able to lose weight and get fit on our own. But history speaks volumes. How many times have you tried, by yourself, to stick to a weight-loss and

exercise plan? And, sooner or later, how many times did you get the same results – giving up and feeling like a failure?

Set yourself up for success this time. Find a like-minded buddy, group or weight-loss cheerleader who supports you, and will hold you accountable. Give yourself reasonable one-year goals (if it’s weight loss, no more than 30 pounds in a year, or 2.5 pounds a month) and five doable monthly action steps that follow a simple plan. Share those goals and actions steps with your cheerleader and ask that person to be your gentle-but-firm whip! Chart and review your progress every month. Keep in mind that transitioning to the next level is all about progress, not perfection.

A simple plan, hope and account-ability are absolute musts to get you on track to your body-dream-come-true, to keep you on track, and to help you rebound back on track when you fall off that wagon. No matter how far you stray, it’s easy to hop aboard that fruit and vegetable wagon again.

However, no matter how effective these strategies are, they will not work

Three Tips to Bounce Backcontinued from page �

without one key magic ingredient: you’ve got to really want it, and want it really badly.

So look in the mirror – without clothes. Do you really want a body you will feel good about and one that will add years to your life and life to your years? Are you ready and positioned to shift your thinking about food, your daily choices, and ultimately your food and lifestyle habits?

If no, then wait to hop aboard that weight-loss, health-gain wagon until you are.

If yes, you know in your heart of hearts that you are ready, then go for it! Add, stop, and wiggle your way into those pants and feeling good about you.

Dr. Leslie Van Romer is a doctor of chiropractic, author, and expert in weight loss, diet and nutrition. Her new book, Getting Into Your Pants – Add 10 + 10 for Life! empowers readers to lose weight and boost self-esteem and health with practical food and lifestyle choices. For information on her book and speaking, visit www.DrLeslieVan-Romer.com.

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It is believed that such individuals are genetically and biologically predisposed to such depression and that their depression is neuro-chemically mediated. At times, there is a history of domestic violence, drug and/or alcohol abuse, not necessarily by the person suffering the depression, but originating within or between members of their family of origin.

Treatment for the individual suffering major depression tends to be a combination of cognitive behavioral therapy and medication. While both have been shown to cause improvements, the combination of both demonstrates the best outcomes.

Often untreated over the course of an individual’s depression are the persons with whom the sufferer co-habits. Typically this means spouses and children.

As the individual with depression deals with and hope-fully addresses their depression, the other family members may be suffering, bearing upset and burden, themselves coping with their depressed family member.

By Gary Direnfeld

While most people have experienced a period of feeling down or blue, those who experience major depression experience a far more profound sense of feeling overwhelmed by dread and despair. Their feelings may be independent of, somewhat dependent upon, and, at times, fully connected to life experiences. Often the intensity of the feelings will appear disproportionate to outside observers.

Major Depression and Family

FamilyWorks Magazine - July & August, �009 1�www.familyworks.org

When the depressed person is a spouse and parent, at times when their depression is florid, their availability to meet the needs of others, notably children, or to fulfill their role, may be compromised. To the uninformed spouse, this can lead to conflict, feel-ing their partner is not carrying their weight. To children, their needs, be they instrumental or emotional, may not be adequately met in a timely fashion. Both the spouse and children may also be concerned for the well being of the depressed family member yet feel un-able to comment upon or speak out about their concern for fear of further upsetting the depressed person.

Hence there is the collateral impact on family members of those living with a depressed individual.

In the absence of treatment for the entire family, there is an increased risk of marital decline and breakdown with its impact on children. There is also a risk that children may seek inap-propriate strategies to cope with their unacknowledged worries and concerns. Hence children may act out their feel-ings, such as with aggressive or oppo-sitional behavior, or, alternately, they may internalize their feelings, appear despondent and withdrawn themselves and may even take to drug or alcohol use to cope. They are at risk of falling grades and academic difficulties. In view of this negative cascade, family problems are intensified, thus contributing further to the person affected with depression.

In view of the above, while it is neces-sary for the person affected with depres-sion to obtain treatment for themselves, it is also necessary for the entire family to obtain counseling. Such counseling needs to be educative with respect to matters of depression and supportive in that it is also aimed to facilitate adjust-ment and problem-solving to cope and adjust to life with an affected family member.

While guilt by the affected family member may be a potent force, keep-ing people out of family treatment so

as to avoid feeling bad for one’s impact on the family, it is important to not have the family run by the issues of the affected individual. Hence the decision for family treatment may need to be taken by well members and pre-sented in a manner supportive to the af-fected individual.

Gary Direnfeld is a social worker in pri-vate practice. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider Gary an ex-pert on child devel-opment, parent-child relations, marital and family therapy, custody and access recommendations and social work.

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Eight miles of flat trail paralleling Lagunitas Creek and cutting through forest, sunny fields and dappled sunlight awaits you on the Cross Marin Trail in Samuel P. Taylor Park. Soaring views above Tomales Bay, some challenging hill climbs and cool forest trails reward you on the Bolinas Ridge mountain bike ride that starts in Olema and ends 11 miles later at the Bolinas-Fairfax Road. Miles of smooth pavement, low traffic volumes and endless agrarian vistas can

be yours on a loop road ride from Point Reyes Station, around Nicasio reservoir, up and over the “Marshall Wall” on Marshall Road, with a level return along the shores of Tomales Bay.

If you don’t know where to get started, check out the Marin Bicycle Map (for sale on www.marinbike.org and at Marin bike shops, or free with Marin County Bicycle Coalition (MCBC) membership!) which can guide cyclists to all of these and more routes of their

Peddling Around Marin

Summer in Marin provides so many opportunities

for outdoor fun - how about a bike ride? Whatever your preferred riding style, skill level or

endurance, there are opportunities for fun rides.

by Kim Baenisch

TheParadiseDriveloopthattakesridersthroughpicturesqueTiburon(distancevariesdependingonthestartingpoint)

ThepopularFairfaxtoPointReyesloopbywayoftheNicasioreservoir(35miles)

AlongerloopfromFairfaxthatpassestheCheeseFactory,scalestheMarshallWallasyouheadtowardsTomalesBayandreturnsthroughPt.Reyes(60miles)

ApicturesqueloopfromtheCheeseFactoryaroundChilenoValleyandback(34miles)

A Few Favorite Road Rides


choosing.Mountain bikers have many trails to choose from, among

them: China Camp in San Rafael, great single track in Tamarancho in Fairfax, the Cross Marin Trail (from Fair-fax thru Samuel P Taylor Park), Jewel Trail (in Samuel P Taylor Park to the Olema ridge), Olema/Bolinas Ridge, Randall, Olema Valley Trail (decent single-track), Bear Valley Trail in the Pt. Reyes National Seashore and soon, hopefully, Bill’s Trail on odd days of the week.

And when you’re done with any of these rides, there are plenty of downtown restaurants, pubs, cafes and coffee shops to re-fuel at. West Marin has some special destina-tions for satisfying your developing hunger pangs like the Bovine Bakery in Point Reyes Station, the decadent To-males bakery, food and evening music at Rancho Nicasio in Nicasio, and snacks and lunch available at the Rouge et Noir Cheese Factory along the Pt Reyes-Petaluma Road.

The Marin County Bicycle Coalition’s Share the Road campaign also promotes safe techniques for driving near cyclists to prevent collisions. Since the vast majority of us cyclists also drive, please take these driving tips to heart and remind your friends of them so everyone can enjoy their use of our public roads:

• Do not drive under the influence of alcohol or drugs• Be actively aware of cyclists on the road (cyclists have

the same right and responsibilities as automobiles to use the road)

• Give plenty of space between your vehicle and the cyclist (MCBC suggests 3 feet, which as been adopted as law in several states)

• Be actively aware of the behaviors of other drivers (if another vehicle is slowing, drive cautiously to avoid any obstacle, such as a cyclist, that may be on the road)

• Be patient and only pass cyclists when it is safe to do so (this includes no oncoming traffic, no blind corners, and generous space between the vehicle and cyclist)

If on the other hand, all of this information on rides sounds great but you’re not quite ready to put your bum

on a saddle, here’s how to get started. Take that forgotten bicycle out of the garage and tote it on down to your closest bike shop for a safety assessment and tune-up. Find a list of all the Marin bike shops on the Resources page at www.marinbike.org.

Once the bike is ready for some use, your own confidence might need a boost before you’re really going to love riding. Start out by taking MCBC’s free Basic Street Skills class to learn or re-fresh your recollection of how to navigate your bicycle confidently on the roads. Riding predictably, visibly and defensively will keep you feeling good all over! Class info and dates are available on the Share the Road page at www.marinbike.org. On the same page you’ll also find our Riding With Youth workshops for teaching your young chil-dren to ride the roads with you. And lest you be concerned that you’ll be riding all by yourself, check out Marin’s social cycling club, the Marin Cyclists (hosts of the annual Marin Century in August), at www.marincyclists.com for daily group rides at various riding levels.

Finally, for those of you yearning for some technical knowledge so you can take care of a flat tire, broken spoke or adjust your seat height when the terrain demands a lower center of gravity, Mike’s Bikes is hosting free bicycle repair classes. All attendees receive tire levers and a patch kit, as well as hands-on training about how to keep your bicycle in good working


�0 FamilyWorks Magazine - July & August, �009 www.familyworks.org

Call me crazy but I find the years from 12 to the mid-20’s the most in-

triguing, exciting, interesting years of a person’s life. Sure, I’ve done the 2 AM worry-

walk a few times. And I have had to appear at vice principal’s offices a couple of times. But I found that all

in all it wasn’t so hard. I had a few basic guidelines and a fair amount of respect for the kids and myself. And so the rest of it has been kind of easy.

Many people have asked my advice or my “tricks” for making this rollicking time in a family’s life so enjoyable and so successful. So here are some of the “secrets” I can share with you.

The Two Basic RulesLet’s start with two simple rules. To initiate the rules,

you need to begin from a positive point of view – a peace-ful place, a quiet weekend morning or afternoon will do. Begin with a note of truth, followed by a note of optimism. Something like:

“I’d like to make sure we are always in good communica-tion with each other. You get what you need and I get what I need. So I am going to suggest two rules that I think will work for both of us….” Then launch in.

I have raised my own two teenagers. I have helped thirty more at-risk teens make it into and through college. I have taught and guided hundreds of teens in programs and commissions for many years. And through it all, teenagers and, what I call “new adults”, have remained my favorite people.

By Mary Ann Maggiore

Mary Ann Maggiore has been advising families, teens and “new adults” for over a decade. Her new book, “Because Life is a Wild Ride” will be released in early �010. You can reach her at maggiore@five�five.org.

FamilyWorks Magazine - July & August, �009 �1www.familyworks.org

RuleNumberOneYou must have good manners. This means you must be kind to me and kind to others in the world. Don’t become a doormat, but do take care, whether it’s at the dinner table or getting onto a bus, that you treat people with respect.

RuleNumberTwoAs much as it is within your power, you must seek to survive me. Don’t do anything so stupid or so dangerous that it might get you killed. Your job is to live long after I do.

These rules are so simple that they are almost laughable. You would think at first that they couldn’t do much. Yet, oddly enough, I have found, over many years of practice, that these rules cover a tremendous amount of ground. And here’s why.

As regards Rule Number One, though we often forget them, manners are the great civilizing power of our species. Manners are what keep us from punching people when we are angry. Manners steady us when the line at the post of-fice seems so tedious. Manners help us slow down, look before we act, and think before we speak. In those moments where manners lay their claim, compassion often steps in, giving us a chance to not only act more reasonably but to see more clearly beyond our selves. This “seeing beyond one’s self” is one of the most important skills you can help your teen attain.

Every time we say please or thank you, or hold the door, carry a grocery bag, tell someone we love them, or chew with our mouths closed, we are increasing our manners quotient and also improving our lives and the life of the world around us. Regardless of their personality or their developmental level,

this rule helps your teen

create their own guidelines for behaving well in the world. And that’s so much of what great parenting is all about – that a young person eventually becomes self –motivated and does not need us to remind them of what needs to be done. They can approach a situation on their own and give it what they know it rightfully needs.

Kids want to be decent human beings. They like to be treated well. And they can be persuaded, more times than not, to treat others well, too. Even if they don’t always follow the rule, or even if they give the impression of not listening, the rule has an inner engine that will, over time, do its work. Be patient. Don’t fight over it. Be firm. Step back. Let some time go. As time goes by you may see that the value of this edict can be very powerful.

Rule One gives your teen the guideline he or she needs to rectify many foibles: forgetting to take out the garbage; leaving wet laundry in the washing machine for two days; borrowing clothes without asking; forgetting to take videos back to the video store, or neglecting to call when they will be late for dinner. When you point out any of these misfortunes, say how you want the situation corrected and leave the conversation without threats or anger. You will be amazed at how often situations rectify themselves.

So much for Rule One. Now on to Rule Two.

Rule Two as we have noted says: “As much as it is within your power, you must seek to survive me.” Because the rule states, “As much as it is within your power,” it offers your teen the chance to reason with their own power. Gradually as your teen grows up, the Rule puts them in the driver’s seat of their lives. They start by avoiding trying to hurt themselves because you have stipulated it as being for your sake. But ultimately they will see the wisdom of these

These rules are so simple that they are almost laughable. You would think at first that they couldn’t do much.Yet, oddly enough, I have found, over many years of practice, that these rules cover a tremendous amount of ground.


�� FamilyWorks Magazine - July & August, �009 www.familyworks.org

words and start to make more judicious choices in general.

Rule Two covers a multitude of areas. It can be invoked to warn a teen off a crazy diet, or convince them to quit smoking. It can also help them to see that self-destructive behaviors may hurt oth-ers as well as themselves. This will give them an out when there is a crazy bun-gee-jumping-off-of-bridges escapade being planned. A breezy “My mother made me promise not to die before she does,” can show a sense of good humor in telling a friend “no.” This is the kind of “no” that just might save your kid’s life – and other kids’ lives as well.

We don’t want to raise kids who can-not take risks, who are afraid of healthy adventure. We also don’t want to raise kids who think we don’t care, and because they think we don’t care will do things that they are not ready for or

which will put them in high chances of mortal danger. When your child says, as each of mine has, “I’m going out to this party tonight and I’ve got a ride home,” and you say, “Who’s driving?” and they say “Jake.” And you say, “Isn’t Jake the kid who was kicked out of school for coming drunk to math class?” And your teenager says “Yeah,” then you’ve clearly got a Rule Two situation. You don’t want your child in a car with a person who has a drinking problem. So, you invoke Rule Two. And it probably will go like this:

“I’m invoking Rule Two here. Jake is a danger in my book. Find someone else to drive you.”

“Geez! Who?” “I don’t know who. Someone else.

Then let me know.”“But I already told Jake I’d ride with

him.”“Find someone else.”Being firm. Expressing your concern

and offering an alternative solution will most often get you what you want. If not, bring out the big guns:

“I could always turn up at the party, you know.”

Rule Two is like champagne. It’s meant to be served up only on special occasions. Using Rule Two to keep your child from joining a sports team or from going shopping with kids you think are dull, is not what it was made for. Using it to keep them from sleeping overnight at the home of a friend of a friend of a friend may be useful. You may be in negotiating mode here and that’s okay. You’re not being a coward. You’re reasoning yourself and your teen to a successful outcome. You’re heading up a family, not a military unit.

Rule One & Rule Two are so simple and so fair, and in a way, so funny to hear, that teenagers can get them and use them right away. Try them and see. What have you got to lose? They cost nothing. And they work.

Excerpted from Because Life is a Wild Ride – Raising a Sane and Successful Teenager, by M.A. Maggiore copyright 2009.

order. You don’t even need to bring a bicycle to participate. And if your questions aren’t covered during the class, the mechanics will chat with you at the close of the class. Get all the info at www.walkbikemarin.org/events.

You should be feeling quite excited by now - your next bike ride awaits!

The Marin County Bicycle Coali-tion is doing the work, so you can take the ride. MCBC has been steadi-ly improving our county’s road and path facilities for walkers and bikers since we formed in 1998. You’ve

seen the impact of our advocacy efforts in each of our towns: perma-nent bike racks, bike lane striping, green-and-white bike route signs, road resurfacing, ‘sharrow’ road stencils, and so much more. When you need information on bicycling in Marin, visit www.marinbike.org. Better yet, become a part of the solu-tion - Join!

Kim Baenisch is the Executive Di-rector of the Marin County Bicycle Coalition. To find out more about the the benefits of MCBC member-ship, call 415-456-3469 or visit www.marinbike.org.

Peddling Around Marincontinued from page 19

...Wild Ridecontinued from page �1

FamilyWorks Magazine - July & August, �009 ��www.familyworks.org

Finally, I used all of the negative en-ergy in a positive manner by focusing my attention on schoolwork and sports. Eventually I ended up in the National Junior Honor Society and even pulled off 100 averages in several subjects. I had won some medals in wrestling - finally I was able to beat someone up for legitimate purposes! I also was the MVP of the track team. The school administration made me student of the month, and hung my picture up in the halls as a model student. I would literally laugh every time I walked by my picture. I knew that only a couple of years prior it would have been covered with darts in the teacher’s faculty room!

Was it a magical transformation? Not at all. I could have changed my life at any time, if I had believed in myself. I had discovered that the only difference between a “smart” student and a “dumb” student is the smart student knows he/she is smart and the dumb student un-fortunately thinks they are dumb. Over the years, I have repeated that sentence to many young people in classrooms, to the media and to the members of the support group that I run now. I know the difference because after all, I have been both.

Now, as an adult, I am a successful businessman excelling in my field. For many years I have run a support group called, “Together We Can Make It”, and I dedicate a great deal of my life to this group and its members. They are my number one priority over everything else, including my business. I know from my own experience how important such a group is and how important it is to have at least one adult in your life that is consistently there for you, on your side and accepts you for who you are. I have gladly given my time to them and to the media by offering messages of

hope and giving constructive sugges-tions to both children and their parents. Both need to know that there are ways to overcome these problems and have a better life. I have never abandoned my childhood solace and have always kept up with my writing. My writing skills have enabled me to write the young adult novel, Runaway. It’s an entertaining story filled with action, comedy, and young romance. But, more importantly, it addresses all of the issues faced by at-risk young people - suicide, runaways, child abuse, low self-esteem, etc. The book allows both young and adult read-ers a glimpse of what children with these problems are really feeling and thinking. A child may see something in a character that they can relate to or maybe realize that they’re not the only ones going through certain situations. Runaway offers positive feedback and sugges-tions to these vulnerable children. As a child, my writing was, at first, an escape from my problems. Then it allowed me to earn the respect of my classmates and teachers. Now I can proudly say that Runaway is avail-able to offer help to other young people in crisis. It has also received some major endorsements and at-tention that is always good for someoneís self-esteem. Plenty of kids grew up in very similar circum-stances to my own. There is nothing extra special about me. The only dif-ference is that I had the opportunity to be presented with a dif-ferent view of myself that enabled me to gain self-esteem and self worth. Of all the “things” that a person can receive in life, the greatest gift for a

young person is good self-esteem.Steve Simpson, youth advocate and

young adult author, has been the leader of youth help groups and has spoken on national television for many years. His new book, Runaway, is an excellent tool to begin gateway conversations with a young person to discuss difficult matters. Since Runaway is fiction, with action and even young romance, it is not threatening for a young person to read. The dramatic aspects of the story con-tain many of the problems mentioned in this real life essay. To order Runaway, please visit www.PowerPublishingCorp.com or call 1-800-431-1579

Z to A Studentcontinued from page 9

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FWM 2009 07 and 08

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