For preview only - Pioneer Drama Service papers, pencils and other school supplies, a briefcase, a...

By Kenneth R. Preuss

© Copyright 2017, Pioneer Drama Service, Inc.

Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that a royalty must be paid for every performance, whether or not admission is charged. All inquiries regarding rights should be addressed to Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., PO Box 4267, Englewood, CO 80155.

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RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT

WISHFUL THINKING

By KENNETH R. PREUSS

CAST OF CHARACTERS(In Order of Appearance)

# of lines

DIRK ..................................funny troublemaker 54KRYSTAL .............................sarcastic troublemaker 50MANDY ...............................tough troublemaker 47HAYLEY ..............................snobby 27KAYLEY ...............................just as snobby 27ANN ...................................cool girl 14DAN ...................................Ann’s boyfriend 13JAN ....................................Ann’s neurotic friend 13MACK .................................dim-witted 15JACK ..................................obsessed with basketball 18CINDY ................................intelligent 13ZACK ..................................class intellectual 17MINDY ................................whiny 15SARA ..................................one of three friends into teen 14

gossip magazinesKARA ..................................another 14TARA ..................................the third 15PEG ....................................kind, level-headed 17NEW GIRL ...........................completely silent until a late 1

outburstGREG .................................cynical 15MEG ...................................air-headed 19SUB ...................................off-beat substitute teacher 32

PRODUCTION NOTES

PROPERTIESDesks, papers, pencils and other school supplies, a briefcase, a rabbit’s foot, phones, a basketball, a set of keys.

SOUND EFFECTSSchool bell.

FLEXIBLE CASTING NOTEThe gender of many characters can be changed rather easily. (Example: MANDY can become RANDY. ANN’s boyfriend, DAN, can become a friend named FRAN with the elimination of a couple romantic references.)

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SETTINGA modern day English classroom with twenty student desks and one teacher’s desk. There should be a thermostat on one wall and as well as a chalkboard or dry erase board.

Suggested seating diagram:

New Girl Dirk Mandy Krystal Jack

Kayley Kara Mack Sara Meg

Hayley Peg Tara Ann Dan

Mindy Zack Cindy Jan Greg

Teacher

AUDIENCE

to gather her belongings. STUDENTS start to EXIT, passing the WISHERS as they go.)

CINDY: Well, you got your third wish.ZACK: We get to get out of class.TARA: And you get to go somewhere else! (TARA, KARA, and

SARA laugh.)KAYLEY: I wish you didn’t get in trouble. Oh, wait a second. We’re all

out of wishes, aren’t we?HAYLEY: Sorry. (KAYLEY and HAYLEY giggle.)GREG: (To MINDY.) I still don’t think the rabbit’s foot had any power.MINDY: But they got what they wished for.GREG: No. They got what they deserved! (NEW GIRL raises a finger as

if to say something.)WISHERS: Don’t say it! (NEW GIRL EXITS. STUDENTS have all EXITED

except for DIRK, MANDY, KRYSTAL, and MEG. SUB looks up, notices MEG, and clears her throat to get MEG’S attention. MEG realizes she should go and skips toward the door.)

MEG: That’s what you get for hurting cute little bunnies. (EXITS.)SUB: (From desk.) I need to leave a note for Mrs. Caesar. Why don’t

the three of you get your things and wait outside the door? I’ll be right there.

DIRK: (As they gather things.) I’m confused. Did our wishes come true or what?

KRYSTAL: It seems like it, but I guess it could have been a coincidence.MANDY: I think that sub used the rabbit’s foot to teach us a lesson.DIRK: We’ll probably never know for sure.KRYSTAL: Well, we’ll have a few days in A.C. to think about it.MANDY: Maybe we can talk our way out of this.DIRK/KRYSTAL: I wish! (WISHERS EXIT.)SUB: (Finishing her note.) Did as you asked. Taught lesson on the

consequences of trying to change fate. Gave free time to those who seemed to understand. (Starts to leave. Notices something on the floor.) Hey! My keys! They must have fallen under the desk. (Holds up rabbit’s foot.) I really need to get a new key chain. This rabbit’s foot does nothing but cause trouble. (Hooks her keys to rabbit’s foot and EXITS.)

END OF PLAY

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WISHFUL THINKING

LIGHTS UP: DIRK, KRYSTAL, and MANDY stand in front of the closed curtain. They address the AUDIENCE.DIRK: The story you are about to see is about wishes. It’s a weird

story, but it’s true. I know ’cause it happened to us.KRYSTAL: Actually, it happened to our entire English class, but the

three of us were the ones who suffered the most.MANDY: That’s why we’re here. You can call it detention, but our school

calls it A. C. A.C. stands for Alternative Classroom. Alternative music is cool. Alternative Classrooms are not.

DIRK: Before we show you what happened in class, we need to give you a little background information.

MANDY: This is important so make sure you pay attention. (To KRYSTAL and DIRK.) Ewww! I sounded just like Mrs. Caesar when I said that. (Back to AUDIENCE.) Mrs. Caesar is our English teacher. She’s ancient.

DIRK: Anyway. Here’s the background information. If you don’t want to pay attention, don’t. I never do. But this is kinda cool. About a week ago we read this short story called “The Monkey’s Paw.” It was written by an English dude named… uh… um... I guess I should have paid more attention.

KRYSTAL: It was written in the early 1900s by W.W. Jacobs.DIRK: Right. Anyway, “The Monkey’s Paw” is about this family. A dad,

a mom, and a daughter.MANDY: A son.DIRK: Right. They get this monkey’s paw. It’s a dried-up hand of a

monkey, and it’s got this curse on it. If you hold it and make a wish, the wish will come true, but in a weird way.

KRYSTAL: Like, the husband and wife decide to wish for money. Nine thousand pounds.

DIRK: (To KRYSTAL.) Nine thousand pounds of what?KRYSTAL: The story takes place in England. The currency in England

is pounds. (Seeing that DIRK is clueless.) The family wishes for a lot of money.

MANDY: (Back to AUDIENCE.) Anyway. The son goes off to work at a factory, gets caught in the machinery, and gets horribly mutilated.

DIRK: (Launching into an elaborate death scene. Runs RIGHT.) Help! I’m caught in the machinery! (Runs LEFT.) I’m getting horribly mutilated! (Moves CENTER and overacts his death. After a combination of gasps and screams, he finally falls dead.)

KAYLEY: My makeup is smearing.MACK: (Frantically raises his arms and runs DOWN CENTER.) My

deodorant is melting! (EVERYONE reacts in fear and disgust and moves away.)

MANDY: Stop complaining! You’re making things worse!KRYSTAL: Somebody open a door.ZACK: (Checks the door.) I think the heat has sealed it shut!PEG: (At the thermostat.) The thermostat’s locked!MINDY: It’s only a matter of time before we suffocate.DIRK: Everyone be quiet! Nobody say anything. Let me think. (Silence

for a bit.)NEW GIRL: (Suddenly, without warning, pushes through the crowd

and addresses everyone from CENTER.) Don’t you see what’s happened? We’ve been tricked. The teacher planted that rabbit’s foot to see if we’d act like the people in “The Monkey’s Paw.” And we did! We were greedy. We were selfish. We were trying to do things that man was never meant to do. We should have learned our lesson when we read the story. But noooo! We weren’t happy. We tried to alter the way things were. If we were supposed to be able to change fate, we should have been born with rabbit’s feet of our own! We’ve done it now. We’ve fallen right into her trap. We’re doomed! It’s getting too hot! I’m running out of air! My body is turning to sweat! I’m melting! I’m melting! I’m melting! (Collapses to the floor. EVERYONE stares in stunned silence.)

MANDY: I liked her better when she was quiet.PEG: (Helps her up.) I think the heat is getting to her.HAYLEY: It’s getting to all of us.KAYLEY: (To DIRK.) Thanks to you!DIRK: Fine! It’s hot. I’ll just get the foot and wish for it to get colder.ANN: No way! You’ve caused enough trouble already. (To DAN.)

Tell him.DAN: (Steps forward to act tough, then chickens out.) What she said.SARA: If you wish for it to be colder, we’ll probably all turn to ice

or something.MANDY: Fine! Everybody who wants to make a third wish, over here.

(Nobody moves.)TARA: Two wishes were enough for me.KRYSTAL: You guys are being wimpy all of a sudden.KARA: We’re just being safe. (Sits.)KAYLEY: And you’re being reckless.

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KRYSTAL: He dies. (DIRK has one last outburst.) The dad and mom are really sad.

MANDY: Then this mysterious guy shows up and gives the family insurance money… (Dramatically.) …the exact amount they wished for.

DIRK: (Jumps up.) Cool, huh? Now, I’m not going to tell you the rest of the story… ’cause, well, I don’t remember the rest of the story. You just need to know the moral. The moral is… (Beat. Tries again.) The moral is… (Beat.) Well, if I knew the moral, I probably wouldn’t be in trouble.

KRYSTAL: Look, you have the basic idea. The monkey’s paw lets you wish, but after you wish, you wish you hadn’t wished. Got it? Good.

MANDY: Now the whole problem started last Friday, in Mrs. Caesar’s English class, before school, on the day of a quiz… (The CURTAIN OPENS and DIRK, KRYSTAL, and MANDY disappear behind it. LIGHTS come UP to reveal an empty English class. KAYLEY and HAYLEY ENTER.)

KAYLEY: Mrs. Caesar? Mrs. Caesar? She’s not in here.HAYLEY: That’s weird. She never leaves the door unlocked.KAYLEY: I wonder where she could be.HAYLEY: Should we stay in here?KAYLEY: I guess we can wait till she comes in. What could go wrong?DIRK: (ENTERS quickly.) Hello, girls!KAYLEY: (Sarcastically.) I had to ask.DIRK: Where’s Mrs. Geezer?HAYLEY: Her name is Caesar, not Geezer.DIRK: Is she here?HAYLEY: No.DIRK: Is she old?HAYLEY: Yes.DIRK: Then her name is Geezer. (Looks around.) What are you two doing?KAYLEY: Waiting.DIRK: (Flirting.) Waiting for me?KAYLEY: We were waiting for you to get a life, but we gave up on that

a long time ago.DIRK: Very funny. (Calls out door.) Classroom is open!KAYLEY: (To HAYLEY.) I needed to ask Mrs. Caesar a couple questions

about today’s quiz.HAYLEY: Maybe he knows the answers.

SUB: No one here has ever had a wish come true?MANDY: Not recently.SUB: Did they come true in “The Monkey’s Paw”?CINDY: They came true, but not in the way people hoped they would.ZACK: In the end, you don’t know if they came true or if it was all

a coincidence.SUB: Well, you all understand the story.JACK: Can we all skip the paper?SUB: No. But it will be easier for you to write. I want five full paragraphs

with specific references from the text. You get started. I’m going to run to the lounge, see if my keys are there, and get a hot cup of coffee. Stay in your seats. (EXITS.)

KAYLEY: (Crosses DOWNSTAGE.) She left again.KRYSTAL: (Crosses DOWNSTAGE.) What was your first clue?KAYLEY: You don’t think that’s weird?MANDY: (Crosses DOWNSTAGE.) I think you’re weird.KAYLEY: Most teachers don’t leave their classrooms unattended.DIRK: (Crosses DOWNSTAGE.) Most students don’t complain when

they do.HAYLEY: (Crosses DOWNSTAGE.) And what’s the deal with turning

up the heat? It’s like a hundred degrees in here. How could she possibly be cold?

MINDY: (Rises.) She’s not cold. She’s cool.HAYLEY: What?MINDY: She’s cool.HAYLEY: What’s your point?MINDY: My point is you wished for the teacher to be cool, and now

she is.SARA: (Rises.) She’s right. She was cool, so she turned up the heat.KARA: (Rises.) The wish backfired. Just as we thought it would.TARA: (Rises.) Maybe we shouldn’t have wished.CINDY: (Rises.) You should have stayed in your seats and behaved!GREG: (Rises.) It’s just a coincidence!DAN: (Rises.) We are all sweating to death!ANN: (Rises.) It’s not a coincidence.MEG: (Rises.) Did someone turn off the air?JACK: (Rises.) If it gets any hotter, I’m taking off my shirt.JAN: (Rises.) Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse!HAYLEY: My hair is sticking to my head.

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DIRK: I didn’t even know we had a quiz. (To KRYSTAL and MANDY as they ENTER.) Did you guys know we had a quiz today?

KRYSTAL: Of course. That’s why we’re here.HAYLEY: You came in early to see if you could get some extra

study time?MANDY: No. We came in early to see if we could find a copy of the

quiz lying around. (Looks at teacher’s desk.) No luck.KRYSTAL: Where’s Mrs. Caesar?HAYLEY: We don’t know.KRYSTAL: Well, if she doesn’t show up, I think I’ll teach the class today.KAYLEY: What are you going to teach them?HAYLEY: How to be stupid? (Giggles with KAYLEY.)KRYSTAL: Yeah. And after that, the two of you can teach them how to

be stuck up and evil.MANDY: (Still at desk.) This doesn’t look like Mrs. Caesar’s briefcase.DIRK: Maybe she’s sick.KAYLEY: If I had to look at your face in class every day, I’d get sick, too.MANDY: I don’t think she’s going to be here today. (Picks up a paper.)

She left lesson plans for a sub.DIRK: (Reads.) “Review ‘The Monkey’s Paw.’ Quiz moved to Monday.”

Yes! (Crosses toward door.)KAYLEY: We studied all night.HAYLEY: What a waste of time!KRYSTAL: Like you two had anything better to do. (KAYLEY snaps a

photo of the sub plans then continues to fiddle with her phone as she and HAYLEY cross to their seats.)

DIRK: (Yells out door.) Quiz is canceled! We have a sub! (ANN, DAN, and JAN ENTER. NOTE: As students ENTER, they move to their seats.)

ANN: No quiz today? (DIRK shakes his head.)DAN: Awesome!JAN: I knew I should have studied for math instead. (MACK and

JACK ENTER.)MACK: We have a sub? (DIRK nods.) Free day!JACK: (Flourishes his basketball.) Maybe we can go outside and shoot

some hoops. (Calls ahead to MACK.) Hey! Think fast. (MACK turns and JACK passes him the ball. MACK reacts too slowly, and the ball simply bounces off his chest. JACK recovers it.) Never mind.

DIRK: (To CINDY as she ENTERS.) Sub, no quiz. (To ZACK as he ENTERS.) Sub, no quiz. (To MINDY as she ENTERS.) Sub, no quiz. (SARA,

KRYSTAL: Yeah, on her head.MEG: She’s almost here! (EVERYONE hurries to their seats.)DIRK: (Holds up the rabbit’s foot.) I wish for the substitute to be cool

for the rest of the class! (Puts rabbit’s foot back and runs to seat as the SUB ENTERS.)

KARA: She doesn’t look any cooler.SARA: Maybe she’ll act cooler.MANDY: Shhh.SUB: (Crosses to teacher’s desk.) I have some bad news. I can’t find

the keys so we’re not going to be able to review the story. I guess we’ll have to do something else. (CLASS cheers, thinking their wish has come true.) Take out a sheet of paper, and we’ll write an essay about the consequences of attempting to change fate. (CLASS starts to complain.) Come on. Let’s go. Take out one sheet of paper and put your name, date, and period in the top right corner.

GREG: I told you it wouldn’t work.ZACK: At least nothing bad happened.JACK: You don’t think writing an essay is bad? I’d rather have the

school blow up with me inside.SUB: Okay, before you begin writing, I want you… (Stops, sensing

something.) Did someone do something to the air conditioner?PEG: What do you mean?SUB: The temperature seems to have dropped considerably since I

left. (Shivers.) Did anyone else feel that?CINDY: Feel what?SUB: That draft. (Shivers.) There it goes again. You don’t feel that?KRYSTAL: Oh! That draft. Brrr. I feel it. Cough. Cough. I better go to

the clinic before I get sick.SUB: You better go to your seat before you get in trouble. Are you sure

no one touched anything while I was gone?DIRK: Ummm. No one touched the air conditioner.SUB: Well, it sure feels like it. I’ll just turn up the heat a little.JAN: The heat? You’re kidding!SUB: I don’t want to catch a cold. (Crosses to thermostat and turns

it up.)JAN: But it’s already too hot in here.SUB: I’m sorry. I’ll turn the heat off as soon as I warm up. I promise.

(Crosses away.) Okay… before we write, let’s talk a bit about wishes. What do we know about them?

MANDY: We know they never work.

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KARA, and TARA ENTER, focused on their phones. DIRK begins to speak, but the GIRLS interrupt.)

SARA: Got the text.KARA: Saw the pic.TARA: Read the tweet.DIRK: (Confused, turns to others.) How’d that happen?KAYLEY: (Holds up her phone.) It’s called technology. You should look

into it.HAYLEY: (Sarcastically.) It’s cute watching you tell everyone

individually though.DIRK: (To PEG as she ENTERS.) Sub, no quiz. (To NEW GIRL as she

ENTERS.) Sub, no qui— (Stops her.) Wait a second. Who are you? Are you in this class? (NEW GIRL nods.) Well, I don’t recognize you. I’m going to need to see some I.D. (NEW GIRL looks confused.)

PEG: (Turns back and rescues her.) She’s been in this class for almost a month. She sits right next to you. (To NEW GIRL.) Tell him. (NEW GIRL shakes her head and moves away.) Well, she does.

DIRK: (To GREG as he ENTERS.) Sub, no quiz.GREG: Right. (Addresses the class.) This is probably some stupid trick

of his so we’ll all get in trouble. We’re not supposed to be in the classroom before there’s a teacher here. We’re being stupid! (MEG bounds IN, stops, and stares at everyone.)

KRYSTAL: Speaking of stupid.MEG: (Sees everyone in their seats.) Oh, my gosh! Am I late?MANDY: No, the first bell hasn’t even rung yet.SARA: We’re just here early because we were gonna have a quiz. But

now we have a sub.MEG: (Moves to seat.) A sub? I hope it has bologna in it. I am so hungry.GREG: I doubt we even have a sub.MANDY: (Angrily.) We have a sub. Trust me. Now sit down! (GREG

nervously goes to seat.)ZACK: Anyone know who the sub is?CINDY: I guess we’ll have to wait and see.MANDY: Why wait? We’ll just look for a name in the briefcase.MINDY: I don’t think we should do that.KARA: We’re not doing it. They are. (DIRK, MANDY, and KRYSTAL gather

at the teacher’s desk.)DIRK: (Looks at briefcase.) It’s locked.KRYSTAL: Can you pick it?KAYLEY: He can’t pick anything that’s not shaped like a nose.

MINDY: Then, the principal or someone else would assign it to us.DIRK: (Trying to outsmart the naysayers.) We can wish that we never

get any kind of work assigned to us at any time by anyone.JAN: No one would assign us any work but everyone would still expect

it to be done, and we would never know what to do because no one would ever tell us, and we’d get tested on things we never knew we had to know in the first place so we’d all get Fs, flunk out of school, be unemployed, and have terrible lives. (There’s a beat as everyone ponders this.)

MACK: (Breaks the silence.) Why don’t we just wish that the school blows up?

HAYLEY: It would blow up with us inside, and we’d all be killed.KRYSTAL: Worse yet, we wouldn’t die. (As if describing a horror

film.) We’d get caught in the explosion and all come out horribly mutated. (To HAYLEY and KAYLEY.) Of course, for you two, that would be an improvement.

TARA: Look. We’re making this too difficult. Anything can turn bad if you analyze it too much. Let’s just wish for something really simple.

JACK: Fine. Let’s wish that when the sub comes back, she lets us go and…

ALL: (Finish his thought.) …play basketball.HAYLEY: If we wish to play basketball, it only helps out a few of us. We

need to wish for something that makes everybody happy.JACK: Then, we’ll just wish for you to disappear.DIRK: Stop it! You’re driving me crazy! I’m just going to wish for the

sub to be cool. If she’s cool, she’ll let us do whatever we want. That way, we’ll all get something. Anybody have anything to say about that?

GREG: It won’t work!MANDY: (To GREG.) Can’t you say anything that’s not negative?GREG: No.MANDY: (Sees NEW GIRL.) Can’t you say anything at all? (NEW GIRL

nods, then shakes her head, then shrugs.)MEG: The teacher’s coming back!KRYSTAL: Wish for her to be cool.MANDY: Make sure you say it carefully.HAYLEY: And make sure she stays cool. We don’t want her to turn

cool for a second, tell us to do anything we want, then suddenly turn uncool and start yelling at us for goofing off.

TARA: She has a point.

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DIRK: We need a key.MANDY: I don’t see any keys around anywhere.KRYSTAL: (Finds a rabbit’s foot.) Whoa! I just found something weird!KARA: What is it?KRYSTAL: (Shows it to DIRK and MANDY.) You don’t want to know.

It’s gross.SARA: Give us a hint.KRYSTAL: It’s something from a story we read this year.MACK: “Green Eggs and Ham”?KRYSTAL: This story’s a little more advanced. It involves an animal.MACK: Oh. “The Cat in the Hat.”KRYSTAL: It involves a chopped-off part of an animal.ZACK: “The Monkey’s Paw”!KRYSTAL: (Stands on desk.) Yes! In my hand is a shrunken, grotesque,

slab of flesh that was severed from the limb of a mammal!JACK: Sounds like a school lunch.DIRK: She’s serious! It’s a real monkey’s paw!GREG: You guys are making this up!MANDY: We are not.ANN: Let us see!DAN: Show it to us!KRYSTAL: Be prepared to scream! Behold! The monkey’s paw! (Reveals

the rabbit’s foot dramatically, holds it for a moment, then tosses it at HAYLEY and KAYLEY. They scream and leap up.)

KAYLEY: Get it away! Get it away!ZACK: (Picks it up calmly.) This isn’t a monkey’s paw. It’s a rabbit’s foot.KRYSTAL: Monkey’s paw. Rabbit’s foot. All chopped-off animal parts

look the same to me.GREG: I told you they were making it up.PEG: (Takes it.) You know, a rabbit’s foot is kind of like a monkey’s paw.MACK: Can you wish on it?TARA: (Takes it.) Well, whoever has it is supposed to get good luck.MEG: Some little bunny used to have it. It wasn’t good luck for him!SARA: Make a wish. See if it comes true.TARA: What do I wish for?KARA: Wish for something you’ve never had.HAYLEY: Like a brain.

in CENTER. JAN and PEG move LEFT. ANN and DAN move RIGHT. As they part, MEG is seen lingering.) Are you still trying to choose?

MEG: No. I’m trying to remember which side was which.MANDY: Why don’t you watch the window again?MEG: Right. (Starts off in the wrong direction.)MANDY: It’s over there.MEG: Right.MANDY: (Joins WISHERS.) Okay… Let’s wish!DIRK: Okay. We need to think of something good. I mean, this is our

chance to do something with our lives! This rabbit’s foot gives us power! If we make a wish and the wish comes true, we can change the course of history!

ZACK: Um. If we change the course of history, we’re going to have to relearn all the stuff we already learned because it won’t be true anymore.

DIRK: Oh.MACK: Maybe we should just change our grades in history.TARA: Yeah! Let’s wish for better grades in all our classes.HAYLEY: Some of us already get good grades by studying. I want to

wish for something I can’t get on my own.TARA: What? A boyfriend?ANN: Maybe we should just wish to be ten times smarter.KRYSTAL: That wouldn’t help. The dumb kids will still be dumb, and

the smart kids’ heads will explode.MANDY: We need to think of something that can’t backfire.

Although, I wouldn’t really mind seeing some of the smart kids’ heads explode.

ZACK: Let’s just be logical. Somebody think of a wish. If no one can think of a way it can go wrong, then it’s probably safe.

DAN: Why don’t we wish for soda to come out of the school water fountains?ZACK: No. It would probably be diet soda.KAYLEY: A few people here could use some diet soda.DAN: We’ll just wish for regular soda to come out of the fountains.

What could go wrong with that?PEG: We’d get too much caffeine, get too hyper, the teachers would

assume that we could do more work and give us extra assignments.DAN: We can wish that we never have to do any work in class.CINDY: We’d have to do everything as homework.JACK: (Helping DAN.) We can wish that our teachers don’t assign us

any kind of work.

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DIRK: (Grabs the rabbit’s foot. Goes to MANDY and KRYSTAL.) We found it. I think we’ll decide what we should wish for.

CINDY: If I were you, I wouldn’t do that.MANDY: If I were you, I’d hide under a rock.CINDY: Fine. Make a wish. Just remember what happens to the people

in the story.DIRK: Like that’s supposed to scare us! (Beat. Turns to MANDY and

KRYSTAL.) Pssst. What happens to the people in the story?ZACK: The wishes come true, but they turn out different than what the

people expect in a not-so-good sort of way.TARA: Everything in life turns out different than people expect.MINDY: The people in the story suffer because they’re greedy.KRYSTAL: The people in this class suffer because you’re nerdy.MANDY: Let’s just make a wish and see what happens.DIRK: What do you think we should wish for?KAYLEY: (Rises and crosses DOWNSTAGE.) Money! (HAYLEY follows her.)MACK: (Moves DOWNSTAGE.) No school!MEG: (From seat.) I think we should wish for a whole rabbit instead

of just a foot! (EVERYONE looks at her strangely.) Well, bunnies are cute.

PEG: (Crosses DOWN.) We need to find something the whole class can agree on.

HAYLEY: Maybe we can put everyone’s suggestions in a box and pick one out.

MANDY: Maybe we can put you in a box and leave you there.JAN: (Rises.) If we’re going to wish, I think we should make the first

wish a simple one. Just in case something bad does happen.ANN: (She and DAN rise.) Let’s wish that our sub is someone famous!DAN: Good idea!JACK: It can’t hurt to try.CINDY: That’s what the people in the story thought.MANDY: Look! We’re going to wish for someone famous to be our

sub. Anyone who doesn’t want to be involved because they’re afraid that something weird will happen, can move to that side of the room. (Points LEFT.) If you stand over there, you will not be held responsible for what happens after we wish.

KRYSTAL: You will, however, be called a wimp for the remainder of the school year and quite possibly, for the rest of your natural born life.

MINDY: Well, I’m not getting involved.CINDY: Me, either.

MINDY: Ms. Watson. You wished for the sub to be Emma Watson, and a Ms. Watson shows up!

MACK: So?MINDY: So? The sub’s first name is probably Emma. She’s probably

Emma Watson. You never said you wanted the Emma Watson who’s a Gryffindor wizard, political activist, Disney princess.

SARA: Oh, my gosh! She’s right.KARA: The wish came true.JAN: It just tricked us, like the wishes in the story.GREG: It’s just a coincidence!CINDY: It’s supposed to seem like a coincidence.ANN: I think the rabbit’s foot worked!DAN: It’s just like “The Monkey’s Paw”!DIRK: Well, there’s only one way to find out.PEG: How?DIRK: I’ll make another wish.MINDY: Are you crazy?DIRK: (Makes a strange face.) Do I look crazy?KARA: Well, you can count me out of this wish.SARA: Me, too. It’s a little too weird for my taste.MANDY: Fine. Everyone who wants to make a second wish, over here.

(Points RIGHT.) Anyone who wants to be a wimp, over there. (Points LEFT. SARA and KARA move to the LEFT with the others who did not wish the first time. Everyone who wished the first time moves RIGHT. ANN, DAN, JAN, PEG, and NEW GIRL stop in the CENTER. ANN and DAN are a bit RIGHT, PEG and JAN are a bit LEFT. NEW GIRL is in between them.)

ANN: Are you wishing or not?PEG: I don’t know.JAN: The first wish backfired.DAN: So?JAN: So, maybe it was a warning. Next time, something worse could

happen. (Swayed by this comment, NEW GIRL moves toward LEFT.)ANN: Maybe it was just showing us that we have to be smarter when

we wish. (Convinced, NEW GIRL moves RIGHT.)PEG: Maybe, it was showing us that we shouldn’t try to change fate.

(NEW GIRL moves LEFT.)MANDY: (Angry.) Maybe everybody should just choose a side and be

quiet before the teacher gets back! (NEW GIRL gets scared and sits

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GREG: It’s not going to work (He, MINDY, and CINDY go to the LEFT side.)TARA: (To those around her.) Well, what do you want to do?KARA: I’m not a wimp.SARA: Me, either.MEG: Me, too! (EVERYONE else goes RIGHT, except NEW GIRL, who

stands in the middle.)MANDY: Hey! New girl! Choose a side! (NEW GIRL looks confused.)

Make a wish or be a wimp! Which do you want to do? (NEW GIRL panics. She sits CENTER.) Fine! Stay in the middle!

KAYLEY: That girl has been at this school for three weeks, and I’ve never heard her talk.

MANDY: You’ve been at this school for three years, and I’ve never heard you stop.

KRYSTAL: (Sees that everyone has chosen a place.) Okay, let’s wish!ZACK: Who should we wish our sub to be?MACK: Let’s wish for someone who won’t make us do any work.JACK: Let’s wish for someone who will let us go outside and

play basketball!KRYSTAL: Let’s wish for someone a little younger than Mrs. Caesar.DIRK: Like my great-grandmother.PEG: Let’s take suggestions. Then we can vote. Everybody think.KRYSTAL: (To MEG.) Since you don’t know how to think, you can watch

out the window.MEG: What am I watching for?KRYSTAL: The sub.MEG: Yummy! (Moves to window.)PEG: Okay. Who’s got suggestions? (Substitute current teen heartthrobs

as desired.)KARA: Ryan Gosling!SARA: Michael B. Jordan!JAN: Zac Efron! (All the GIRLS cheer in agreement.)DAN: (Calming the cheers.) Wait a second. You only want those guys

as a sub because you think they’re good-looking.TARA: That’s not true. We want them as a sub because we know

they’re good-looking.JACK: Forget it! I don’t want any good-looking guys in this class!ANN: Then your wish has already been granted ’cause all you boys are

ugly! (Turns to DAN and comforts him.) Except you, sweetie.

ZACK: (Quickly.) An old man makes three wishes. His kid dies. He wishes him back. Then, he wishes him dead again.

JACK: There’s your review. Let’s go. (Hurries toward the door.)SUB: Not so fast.JACK: Okay… I’ll go slower. (Walks in slow motion.)SUB: Very funny. (Directs JACK back to his seat.) Look, I’ll pass out

copies of the story. We’ll read a little, we’ll talk a little, and then, if you’re well-behaved, we’ll go outside and play basketball. (Goes to open briefcase, looks confused.) Uh-oh.

PEG: What’s wrong?SUB: I seem to have misplaced the keys to my briefcase, and it’s locked.MANDY: Is that a problem?SUB: Sort of. The copies of “The Monkey’s Paw” are inside.KRYSTAL: Class dismissed! (Several students stand as if to leave.)SUB: (Gestures for them to sit.) Sit down. I must have just left the keys

in the office.HAYLEY: You can send one of us to the office to get them.DIRK: I’ll go! I know right where the office is.KAYLEY: He gets sent there all the time.SUB: Thank you, but that won’t be necessary. I forgot to sign in anyway.

I’ll just run up to the office, grab my keys, and be right back. I can trust you to behave while I’m gone, right?

MANDY: We’ll be just as good as we were before you got here.SUB: Great! Oh, if the office buzzes for me, just tell them where

I’ve gone.PEG: We don’t even know your name.SUB: Oh. Silly me. (Goes to chalkboard [or dry erase board].) I can get

a little mixed up sometimes.TARA: (Sarcastic.) We hadn’t noticed.SUB: (Writes her name.) Anyway, my name is Ms. Watson. (Waves and

crosses to door.) Toodle-oo. (EXITS.)KRYSTAL: (Crosses DOWNSTAGE.) “Toodle-oo”? I can’t believe she

said that.MANDY: (Crosses DOWNSTAGE.) I can’t believe she left us here alone.DIRK: (Crosses DOWNSTAGE.) I can’t believe we actually believed in

that rabbit’s foot.MINDY: (At chalkboard.) Hello! People! Her name is Ms. Watson.HAYLEY: We can read!KRYSTAL: (Pats MEG on the back.) Well, some of us.

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DIRK: You girls are just shallow. You think looks are too important. We shouldn’t choose a sub because they look good. We should choose a sub because they can teach us things!

PEG: Fine. Who do you want as a sub? (Substitute current female crush if desired.)

DIRK: Selena Gomez. She could teach me a lot!ZACK: Let’s be serious. This is an opportunity for us to really learn

something! We should wish for someone who could lend us some insight into Language Arts. Someone like William Shakespeare, Maya Angelou, or Edgar Allan Poe.

MANDY: All those people are dead.ZACK: So?MANDY: So? We don’t want a rotting corpse standing in front of the

class reading poetry.KRYSTAL: Yeah. That would be too much like Mrs. Caesar.MACK: Hey! Why don’t we wish for Mario or Luigi?KAYLEY: What are you talking about? Those are video game

characters. They’re two-dimensional. They don’t exist. We need to wish for someone real who can teach us!

MACK: Oh. (Beat.) How about Yoda? (SOUND EFFECT: SCHOOL BELL RINGS.)

KARA: There’s the first bell.SARA: Somebody make a decision!MINDY: You’re never going to think of someone that everybody is

going to agree on!KRYSTAL: (Taking charge.) Whoever we wish for is going to be better

than a regular sub. Right? (EVERYONE expresses agreement.) Okay… (Takes out her phone.) I’m Googling “Famous Faces” and pointing my finger at a random image. Whoever I hit, we’ll wish to be our sub.

JAN: They can’t be gross.ANN: Or dead.KAYLEY: Or fictional.KRYSTAL: Fine! We’ll wish for the first non-dead, non-gross, non-fictional

face we get. (Touches the screen and sees a face. Substitute for any selection as desired.) Marilyn Monroe.

KARA/SARA/TARA: Dead!KRYSTAL: (Touches screen. Sees face.) Jack Black.HAYLEY/KAYLEY: Gross!KRYSTAL: (Touches screen. Sees face.) Bart Simpson.

MACK: (Ecstatic.) Yes!ZACK: Fictional.MACK: (Dejected.) No.KRYSTAL: (Sighs.) If it doesn’t work this time, we’re going to forget

this whole thing! (Touches screen. Sees face.) Emma Watson.ANN: Sounds good to me.DAN: She’s hot! (ANN gives him a look. He tries to cover.) I mean, cute.

(ANN gives him another look.) Smart!JAN: (To DAN. Softly with a smile.) Smooth.MEG: (Points out window.) Somebody’s coming! (EVERYONE scrambles

to a seat.)DIRK: We’re wishing for Emma! How do we do it?PEG: In the story, they held the paw up and wished out loud.DIRK: (Holds up rabbit’s foot.) I wish for our substitute to be Emma

Watson! (SOUND EFFECT: SCHOOL BELL RINGS. DIRK puts the foot on the desk and sits.)

GREG: It’s not going to work!MANDY: Everybody be quiet!CINDY: The door’s opening! (SUB ENTERS and moves quietly to the

teacher’s desk. She is clearly not Emma Watson.)MEG: Is it her?ANN: Does it look like her?MEG: (Squints.) It does when I go like this.DAN: Well, don’t!GREG: I told you it wouldn’t work.SUB: Morning, class! Sorry I’m late. I got a little lost in the hallway. I’m

going to take roll, and then we’ll begin today’s assignment.JACK: Mrs. Sub?SUB: Yes?JACK: It’s Friday.SUB: I’m aware of that.JACK: So… Mrs. Caesar doesn’t give us assignments on Fridays. She

usually lets us go outside and play basketball.SUB: That sounds like fun. Unfortunately, she left other plans.JACK: Those are just make-believe plans so that the principal doesn’t

find out that we play basketball instead of work.SUB: Well, maybe we can do both. If we have time left at the end of

class, we’ll go out and play basketball. First, however, we have to finish today’s assignment, which is to review “The Monkey’s Paw.”

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GREG: It’s not going to work (He, MINDY, and CINDY go to the LEFT side.)TARA: (To those around her.) Well, what do you want to do?KARA: I’m not a wimp.SARA: Me, either.MEG: Me, too! (EVERYONE else goes RIGHT, except NEW GIRL, who

stands in the middle.)MANDY: Hey! New girl! Choose a side! (NEW GIRL looks confused.)

Make a wish or be a wimp! Which do you want to do? (NEW GIRL panics. She sits CENTER.) Fine! Stay in the middle!

KAYLEY: That girl has been at this school for three weeks, and I’ve never heard her talk.

MANDY: You’ve been at this school for three years, and I’ve never heard you stop.

KRYSTAL: (Sees that everyone has chosen a place.) Okay, let’s wish!ZACK: Who should we wish our sub to be?MACK: Let’s wish for someone who won’t make us do any work.JACK: Let’s wish for someone who will let us go outside and

play basketball!KRYSTAL: Let’s wish for someone a little younger than Mrs. Caesar.DIRK: Like my great-grandmother.PEG: Let’s take suggestions. Then we can vote. Everybody think.KRYSTAL: (To MEG.) Since you don’t know how to think, you can watch

out the window.MEG: What am I watching for?KRYSTAL: The sub.MEG: Yummy! (Moves to window.)PEG: Okay. Who’s got suggestions? (Substitute current teen heartthrobs

as desired.)KARA: Ryan Gosling!SARA: Michael B. Jordan!JAN: Zac Efron! (All the GIRLS cheer in agreement.)DAN: (Calming the cheers.) Wait a second. You only want those guys

as a sub because you think they’re good-looking.TARA: That’s not true. We want them as a sub because we know

they’re good-looking.JACK: Forget it! I don’t want any good-looking guys in this class!ANN: Then your wish has already been granted ’cause all you boys are

ugly! (Turns to DAN and comforts him.) Except you, sweetie.

ZACK: (Quickly.) An old man makes three wishes. His kid dies. He wishes him back. Then, he wishes him dead again.

JACK: There’s your review. Let’s go. (Hurries toward the door.)SUB: Not so fast.JACK: Okay… I’ll go slower. (Walks in slow motion.)SUB: Very funny. (Directs JACK back to his seat.) Look, I’ll pass out

copies of the story. We’ll read a little, we’ll talk a little, and then, if you’re well-behaved, we’ll go outside and play basketball. (Goes to open briefcase, looks confused.) Uh-oh.

PEG: What’s wrong?SUB: I seem to have misplaced the keys to my briefcase, and it’s locked.MANDY: Is that a problem?SUB: Sort of. The copies of “The Monkey’s Paw” are inside.KRYSTAL: Class dismissed! (Several students stand as if to leave.)SUB: (Gestures for them to sit.) Sit down. I must have just left the keys

in the office.HAYLEY: You can send one of us to the office to get them.DIRK: I’ll go! I know right where the office is.KAYLEY: He gets sent there all the time.SUB: Thank you, but that won’t be necessary. I forgot to sign in anyway.

I’ll just run up to the office, grab my keys, and be right back. I can trust you to behave while I’m gone, right?

MANDY: We’ll be just as good as we were before you got here.SUB: Great! Oh, if the office buzzes for me, just tell them where

I’ve gone.PEG: We don’t even know your name.SUB: Oh. Silly me. (Goes to chalkboard [or dry erase board].) I can get

a little mixed up sometimes.TARA: (Sarcastic.) We hadn’t noticed.SUB: (Writes her name.) Anyway, my name is Ms. Watson. (Waves and

crosses to door.) Toodle-oo. (EXITS.)KRYSTAL: (Crosses DOWNSTAGE.) “Toodle-oo”? I can’t believe she

said that.MANDY: (Crosses DOWNSTAGE.) I can’t believe she left us here alone.DIRK: (Crosses DOWNSTAGE.) I can’t believe we actually believed in

that rabbit’s foot.MINDY: (At chalkboard.) Hello! People! Her name is Ms. Watson.HAYLEY: We can read!KRYSTAL: (Pats MEG on the back.) Well, some of us.

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DIRK: (Grabs the rabbit’s foot. Goes to MANDY and KRYSTAL.) We found it. I think we’ll decide what we should wish for.

CINDY: If I were you, I wouldn’t do that.MANDY: If I were you, I’d hide under a rock.CINDY: Fine. Make a wish. Just remember what happens to the people

in the story.DIRK: Like that’s supposed to scare us! (Beat. Turns to MANDY and

KRYSTAL.) Pssst. What happens to the people in the story?ZACK: The wishes come true, but they turn out different than what the

people expect in a not-so-good sort of way.TARA: Everything in life turns out different than people expect.MINDY: The people in the story suffer because they’re greedy.KRYSTAL: The people in this class suffer because you’re nerdy.MANDY: Let’s just make a wish and see what happens.DIRK: What do you think we should wish for?KAYLEY: (Rises and crosses DOWNSTAGE.) Money! (HAYLEY follows her.)MACK: (Moves DOWNSTAGE.) No school!MEG: (From seat.) I think we should wish for a whole rabbit instead

of just a foot! (EVERYONE looks at her strangely.) Well, bunnies are cute.

PEG: (Crosses DOWN.) We need to find something the whole class can agree on.

HAYLEY: Maybe we can put everyone’s suggestions in a box and pick one out.

MANDY: Maybe we can put you in a box and leave you there.JAN: (Rises.) If we’re going to wish, I think we should make the first

wish a simple one. Just in case something bad does happen.ANN: (She and DAN rise.) Let’s wish that our sub is someone famous!DAN: Good idea!JACK: It can’t hurt to try.CINDY: That’s what the people in the story thought.MANDY: Look! We’re going to wish for someone famous to be our

sub. Anyone who doesn’t want to be involved because they’re afraid that something weird will happen, can move to that side of the room. (Points LEFT.) If you stand over there, you will not be held responsible for what happens after we wish.

KRYSTAL: You will, however, be called a wimp for the remainder of the school year and quite possibly, for the rest of your natural born life.

MINDY: Well, I’m not getting involved.CINDY: Me, either.

MINDY: Ms. Watson. You wished for the sub to be Emma Watson, and a Ms. Watson shows up!

MACK: So?MINDY: So? The sub’s first name is probably Emma. She’s probably

Emma Watson. You never said you wanted the Emma Watson who’s a Gryffindor wizard, political activist, Disney princess.

SARA: Oh, my gosh! She’s right.KARA: The wish came true.JAN: It just tricked us, like the wishes in the story.GREG: It’s just a coincidence!CINDY: It’s supposed to seem like a coincidence.ANN: I think the rabbit’s foot worked!DAN: It’s just like “The Monkey’s Paw”!DIRK: Well, there’s only one way to find out.PEG: How?DIRK: I’ll make another wish.MINDY: Are you crazy?DIRK: (Makes a strange face.) Do I look crazy?KARA: Well, you can count me out of this wish.SARA: Me, too. It’s a little too weird for my taste.MANDY: Fine. Everyone who wants to make a second wish, over here.

(Points RIGHT.) Anyone who wants to be a wimp, over there. (Points LEFT. SARA and KARA move to the LEFT with the others who did not wish the first time. Everyone who wished the first time moves RIGHT. ANN, DAN, JAN, PEG, and NEW GIRL stop in the CENTER. ANN and DAN are a bit RIGHT, PEG and JAN are a bit LEFT. NEW GIRL is in between them.)

ANN: Are you wishing or not?PEG: I don’t know.JAN: The first wish backfired.DAN: So?JAN: So, maybe it was a warning. Next time, something worse could

happen. (Swayed by this comment, NEW GIRL moves toward LEFT.)ANN: Maybe it was just showing us that we have to be smarter when

we wish. (Convinced, NEW GIRL moves RIGHT.)PEG: Maybe, it was showing us that we shouldn’t try to change fate.

(NEW GIRL moves LEFT.)MANDY: (Angry.) Maybe everybody should just choose a side and be

quiet before the teacher gets back! (NEW GIRL gets scared and sits

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DIRK: We need a key.MANDY: I don’t see any keys around anywhere.KRYSTAL: (Finds a rabbit’s foot.) Whoa! I just found something weird!KARA: What is it?KRYSTAL: (Shows it to DIRK and MANDY.) You don’t want to know.

It’s gross.SARA: Give us a hint.KRYSTAL: It’s something from a story we read this year.MACK: “Green Eggs and Ham”?KRYSTAL: This story’s a little more advanced. It involves an animal.MACK: Oh. “The Cat in the Hat.”KRYSTAL: It involves a chopped-off part of an animal.ZACK: “The Monkey’s Paw”!KRYSTAL: (Stands on desk.) Yes! In my hand is a shrunken, grotesque,

slab of flesh that was severed from the limb of a mammal!JACK: Sounds like a school lunch.DIRK: She’s serious! It’s a real monkey’s paw!GREG: You guys are making this up!MANDY: We are not.ANN: Let us see!DAN: Show it to us!KRYSTAL: Be prepared to scream! Behold! The monkey’s paw! (Reveals

the rabbit’s foot dramatically, holds it for a moment, then tosses it at HAYLEY and KAYLEY. They scream and leap up.)

KAYLEY: Get it away! Get it away!ZACK: (Picks it up calmly.) This isn’t a monkey’s paw. It’s a rabbit’s foot.KRYSTAL: Monkey’s paw. Rabbit’s foot. All chopped-off animal parts

look the same to me.GREG: I told you they were making it up.PEG: (Takes it.) You know, a rabbit’s foot is kind of like a monkey’s paw.MACK: Can you wish on it?TARA: (Takes it.) Well, whoever has it is supposed to get good luck.MEG: Some little bunny used to have it. It wasn’t good luck for him!SARA: Make a wish. See if it comes true.TARA: What do I wish for?KARA: Wish for something you’ve never had.HAYLEY: Like a brain.

in CENTER. JAN and PEG move LEFT. ANN and DAN move RIGHT. As they part, MEG is seen lingering.) Are you still trying to choose?

MEG: No. I’m trying to remember which side was which.MANDY: Why don’t you watch the window again?MEG: Right. (Starts off in the wrong direction.)MANDY: It’s over there.MEG: Right.MANDY: (Joins WISHERS.) Okay… Let’s wish!DIRK: Okay. We need to think of something good. I mean, this is our

chance to do something with our lives! This rabbit’s foot gives us power! If we make a wish and the wish comes true, we can change the course of history!

ZACK: Um. If we change the course of history, we’re going to have to relearn all the stuff we already learned because it won’t be true anymore.

DIRK: Oh.MACK: Maybe we should just change our grades in history.TARA: Yeah! Let’s wish for better grades in all our classes.HAYLEY: Some of us already get good grades by studying. I want to

wish for something I can’t get on my own.TARA: What? A boyfriend?ANN: Maybe we should just wish to be ten times smarter.KRYSTAL: That wouldn’t help. The dumb kids will still be dumb, and

the smart kids’ heads will explode.MANDY: We need to think of something that can’t backfire.

Although, I wouldn’t really mind seeing some of the smart kids’ heads explode.

ZACK: Let’s just be logical. Somebody think of a wish. If no one can think of a way it can go wrong, then it’s probably safe.

DAN: Why don’t we wish for soda to come out of the school water fountains?ZACK: No. It would probably be diet soda.KAYLEY: A few people here could use some diet soda.DAN: We’ll just wish for regular soda to come out of the fountains.

What could go wrong with that?PEG: We’d get too much caffeine, get too hyper, the teachers would

assume that we could do more work and give us extra assignments.DAN: We can wish that we never have to do any work in class.CINDY: We’d have to do everything as homework.JACK: (Helping DAN.) We can wish that our teachers don’t assign us

any kind of work.

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KARA, and TARA ENTER, focused on their phones. DIRK begins to speak, but the GIRLS interrupt.)

SARA: Got the text.KARA: Saw the pic.TARA: Read the tweet.DIRK: (Confused, turns to others.) How’d that happen?KAYLEY: (Holds up her phone.) It’s called technology. You should look

into it.HAYLEY: (Sarcastically.) It’s cute watching you tell everyone

individually though.DIRK: (To PEG as she ENTERS.) Sub, no quiz. (To NEW GIRL as she

ENTERS.) Sub, no qui— (Stops her.) Wait a second. Who are you? Are you in this class? (NEW GIRL nods.) Well, I don’t recognize you. I’m going to need to see some I.D. (NEW GIRL looks confused.)

PEG: (Turns back and rescues her.) She’s been in this class for almost a month. She sits right next to you. (To NEW GIRL.) Tell him. (NEW GIRL shakes her head and moves away.) Well, she does.

DIRK: (To GREG as he ENTERS.) Sub, no quiz.GREG: Right. (Addresses the class.) This is probably some stupid trick

of his so we’ll all get in trouble. We’re not supposed to be in the classroom before there’s a teacher here. We’re being stupid! (MEG bounds IN, stops, and stares at everyone.)

KRYSTAL: Speaking of stupid.MEG: (Sees everyone in their seats.) Oh, my gosh! Am I late?MANDY: No, the first bell hasn’t even rung yet.SARA: We’re just here early because we were gonna have a quiz. But

now we have a sub.MEG: (Moves to seat.) A sub? I hope it has bologna in it. I am so hungry.GREG: I doubt we even have a sub.MANDY: (Angrily.) We have a sub. Trust me. Now sit down! (GREG

nervously goes to seat.)ZACK: Anyone know who the sub is?CINDY: I guess we’ll have to wait and see.MANDY: Why wait? We’ll just look for a name in the briefcase.MINDY: I don’t think we should do that.KARA: We’re not doing it. They are. (DIRK, MANDY, and KRYSTAL gather

at the teacher’s desk.)DIRK: (Looks at briefcase.) It’s locked.KRYSTAL: Can you pick it?KAYLEY: He can’t pick anything that’s not shaped like a nose.

MINDY: Then, the principal or someone else would assign it to us.DIRK: (Trying to outsmart the naysayers.) We can wish that we never

get any kind of work assigned to us at any time by anyone.JAN: No one would assign us any work but everyone would still expect

it to be done, and we would never know what to do because no one would ever tell us, and we’d get tested on things we never knew we had to know in the first place so we’d all get Fs, flunk out of school, be unemployed, and have terrible lives. (There’s a beat as everyone ponders this.)

MACK: (Breaks the silence.) Why don’t we just wish that the school blows up?

HAYLEY: It would blow up with us inside, and we’d all be killed.KRYSTAL: Worse yet, we wouldn’t die. (As if describing a horror

film.) We’d get caught in the explosion and all come out horribly mutated. (To HAYLEY and KAYLEY.) Of course, for you two, that would be an improvement.

TARA: Look. We’re making this too difficult. Anything can turn bad if you analyze it too much. Let’s just wish for something really simple.

JACK: Fine. Let’s wish that when the sub comes back, she lets us go and…

ALL: (Finish his thought.) …play basketball.HAYLEY: If we wish to play basketball, it only helps out a few of us. We

need to wish for something that makes everybody happy.JACK: Then, we’ll just wish for you to disappear.DIRK: Stop it! You’re driving me crazy! I’m just going to wish for the

sub to be cool. If she’s cool, she’ll let us do whatever we want. That way, we’ll all get something. Anybody have anything to say about that?

GREG: It won’t work!MANDY: (To GREG.) Can’t you say anything that’s not negative?GREG: No.MANDY: (Sees NEW GIRL.) Can’t you say anything at all? (NEW GIRL

nods, then shakes her head, then shrugs.)MEG: The teacher’s coming back!KRYSTAL: Wish for her to be cool.MANDY: Make sure you say it carefully.HAYLEY: And make sure she stays cool. We don’t want her to turn

cool for a second, tell us to do anything we want, then suddenly turn uncool and start yelling at us for goofing off.

TARA: She has a point.

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DIRK: I didn’t even know we had a quiz. (To KRYSTAL and MANDY as they ENTER.) Did you guys know we had a quiz today?

KRYSTAL: Of course. That’s why we’re here.HAYLEY: You came in early to see if you could get some extra

study time?MANDY: No. We came in early to see if we could find a copy of the

quiz lying around. (Looks at teacher’s desk.) No luck.KRYSTAL: Where’s Mrs. Caesar?HAYLEY: We don’t know.KRYSTAL: Well, if she doesn’t show up, I think I’ll teach the class today.KAYLEY: What are you going to teach them?HAYLEY: How to be stupid? (Giggles with KAYLEY.)KRYSTAL: Yeah. And after that, the two of you can teach them how to

be stuck up and evil.MANDY: (Still at desk.) This doesn’t look like Mrs. Caesar’s briefcase.DIRK: Maybe she’s sick.KAYLEY: If I had to look at your face in class every day, I’d get sick, too.MANDY: I don’t think she’s going to be here today. (Picks up a paper.)

She left lesson plans for a sub.DIRK: (Reads.) “Review ‘The Monkey’s Paw.’ Quiz moved to Monday.”

Yes! (Crosses toward door.)KAYLEY: We studied all night.HAYLEY: What a waste of time!KRYSTAL: Like you two had anything better to do. (KAYLEY snaps a

photo of the sub plans then continues to fiddle with her phone as she and HAYLEY cross to their seats.)

DIRK: (Yells out door.) Quiz is canceled! We have a sub! (ANN, DAN, and JAN ENTER. NOTE: As students ENTER, they move to their seats.)

ANN: No quiz today? (DIRK shakes his head.)DAN: Awesome!JAN: I knew I should have studied for math instead. (MACK and

JACK ENTER.)MACK: We have a sub? (DIRK nods.) Free day!JACK: (Flourishes his basketball.) Maybe we can go outside and shoot

some hoops. (Calls ahead to MACK.) Hey! Think fast. (MACK turns and JACK passes him the ball. MACK reacts too slowly, and the ball simply bounces off his chest. JACK recovers it.) Never mind.

DIRK: (To CINDY as she ENTERS.) Sub, no quiz. (To ZACK as he ENTERS.) Sub, no quiz. (To MINDY as she ENTERS.) Sub, no quiz. (SARA,

KRYSTAL: Yeah, on her head.MEG: She’s almost here! (EVERYONE hurries to their seats.)DIRK: (Holds up the rabbit’s foot.) I wish for the substitute to be cool

for the rest of the class! (Puts rabbit’s foot back and runs to seat as the SUB ENTERS.)

KARA: She doesn’t look any cooler.SARA: Maybe she’ll act cooler.MANDY: Shhh.SUB: (Crosses to teacher’s desk.) I have some bad news. I can’t find

the keys so we’re not going to be able to review the story. I guess we’ll have to do something else. (CLASS cheers, thinking their wish has come true.) Take out a sheet of paper, and we’ll write an essay about the consequences of attempting to change fate. (CLASS starts to complain.) Come on. Let’s go. Take out one sheet of paper and put your name, date, and period in the top right corner.

GREG: I told you it wouldn’t work.ZACK: At least nothing bad happened.JACK: You don’t think writing an essay is bad? I’d rather have the

school blow up with me inside.SUB: Okay, before you begin writing, I want you… (Stops, sensing

something.) Did someone do something to the air conditioner?PEG: What do you mean?SUB: The temperature seems to have dropped considerably since I

left. (Shivers.) Did anyone else feel that?CINDY: Feel what?SUB: That draft. (Shivers.) There it goes again. You don’t feel that?KRYSTAL: Oh! That draft. Brrr. I feel it. Cough. Cough. I better go to

the clinic before I get sick.SUB: You better go to your seat before you get in trouble. Are you sure

no one touched anything while I was gone?DIRK: Ummm. No one touched the air conditioner.SUB: Well, it sure feels like it. I’ll just turn up the heat a little.JAN: The heat? You’re kidding!SUB: I don’t want to catch a cold. (Crosses to thermostat and turns

it up.)JAN: But it’s already too hot in here.SUB: I’m sorry. I’ll turn the heat off as soon as I warm up. I promise.

(Crosses away.) Okay… before we write, let’s talk a bit about wishes. What do we know about them?

MANDY: We know they never work.

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KRYSTAL: He dies. (DIRK has one last outburst.) The dad and mom are really sad.

MANDY: Then this mysterious guy shows up and gives the family insurance money… (Dramatically.) …the exact amount they wished for.

DIRK: (Jumps up.) Cool, huh? Now, I’m not going to tell you the rest of the story… ’cause, well, I don’t remember the rest of the story. You just need to know the moral. The moral is… (Beat. Tries again.) The moral is… (Beat.) Well, if I knew the moral, I probably wouldn’t be in trouble.

KRYSTAL: Look, you have the basic idea. The monkey’s paw lets you wish, but after you wish, you wish you hadn’t wished. Got it? Good.

MANDY: Now the whole problem started last Friday, in Mrs. Caesar’s English class, before school, on the day of a quiz… (The CURTAIN OPENS and DIRK, KRYSTAL, and MANDY disappear behind it. LIGHTS come UP to reveal an empty English class. KAYLEY and HAYLEY ENTER.)

KAYLEY: Mrs. Caesar? Mrs. Caesar? She’s not in here.HAYLEY: That’s weird. She never leaves the door unlocked.KAYLEY: I wonder where she could be.HAYLEY: Should we stay in here?KAYLEY: I guess we can wait till she comes in. What could go wrong?DIRK: (ENTERS quickly.) Hello, girls!KAYLEY: (Sarcastically.) I had to ask.DIRK: Where’s Mrs. Geezer?HAYLEY: Her name is Caesar, not Geezer.DIRK: Is she here?HAYLEY: No.DIRK: Is she old?HAYLEY: Yes.DIRK: Then her name is Geezer. (Looks around.) What are you two doing?KAYLEY: Waiting.DIRK: (Flirting.) Waiting for me?KAYLEY: We were waiting for you to get a life, but we gave up on that

a long time ago.DIRK: Very funny. (Calls out door.) Classroom is open!KAYLEY: (To HAYLEY.) I needed to ask Mrs. Caesar a couple questions

about today’s quiz.HAYLEY: Maybe he knows the answers.

SUB: No one here has ever had a wish come true?MANDY: Not recently.SUB: Did they come true in “The Monkey’s Paw”?CINDY: They came true, but not in the way people hoped they would.ZACK: In the end, you don’t know if they came true or if it was all

a coincidence.SUB: Well, you all understand the story.JACK: Can we all skip the paper?SUB: No. But it will be easier for you to write. I want five full paragraphs

with specific references from the text. You get started. I’m going to run to the lounge, see if my keys are there, and get a hot cup of coffee. Stay in your seats. (EXITS.)

KAYLEY: (Crosses DOWNSTAGE.) She left again.KRYSTAL: (Crosses DOWNSTAGE.) What was your first clue?KAYLEY: You don’t think that’s weird?MANDY: (Crosses DOWNSTAGE.) I think you’re weird.KAYLEY: Most teachers don’t leave their classrooms unattended.DIRK: (Crosses DOWNSTAGE.) Most students don’t complain when

they do.HAYLEY: (Crosses DOWNSTAGE.) And what’s the deal with turning

up the heat? It’s like a hundred degrees in here. How could she possibly be cold?

MINDY: (Rises.) She’s not cold. She’s cool.HAYLEY: What?MINDY: She’s cool.HAYLEY: What’s your point?MINDY: My point is you wished for the teacher to be cool, and now

she is.SARA: (Rises.) She’s right. She was cool, so she turned up the heat.KARA: (Rises.) The wish backfired. Just as we thought it would.TARA: (Rises.) Maybe we shouldn’t have wished.CINDY: (Rises.) You should have stayed in your seats and behaved!GREG: (Rises.) It’s just a coincidence!DAN: (Rises.) We are all sweating to death!ANN: (Rises.) It’s not a coincidence.MEG: (Rises.) Did someone turn off the air?JACK: (Rises.) If it gets any hotter, I’m taking off my shirt.JAN: (Rises.) Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse!HAYLEY: My hair is sticking to my head.

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WISHFUL THINKING

LIGHTS UP: DIRK, KRYSTAL, and MANDY stand in front of the closed curtain. They address the AUDIENCE.DIRK: The story you are about to see is about wishes. It’s a weird

story, but it’s true. I know ’cause it happened to us.KRYSTAL: Actually, it happened to our entire English class, but the

three of us were the ones who suffered the most.MANDY: That’s why we’re here. You can call it detention, but our school

calls it A. C. A.C. stands for Alternative Classroom. Alternative music is cool. Alternative Classrooms are not.

DIRK: Before we show you what happened in class, we need to give you a little background information.

MANDY: This is important so make sure you pay attention. (To KRYSTAL and DIRK.) Ewww! I sounded just like Mrs. Caesar when I said that. (Back to AUDIENCE.) Mrs. Caesar is our English teacher. She’s ancient.

DIRK: Anyway. Here’s the background information. If you don’t want to pay attention, don’t. I never do. But this is kinda cool. About a week ago we read this short story called “The Monkey’s Paw.” It was written by an English dude named… uh… um... I guess I should have paid more attention.

KRYSTAL: It was written in the early 1900s by W.W. Jacobs.DIRK: Right. Anyway, “The Monkey’s Paw” is about this family. A dad,

a mom, and a daughter.MANDY: A son.DIRK: Right. They get this monkey’s paw. It’s a dried-up hand of a

monkey, and it’s got this curse on it. If you hold it and make a wish, the wish will come true, but in a weird way.

KRYSTAL: Like, the husband and wife decide to wish for money. Nine thousand pounds.

DIRK: (To KRYSTAL.) Nine thousand pounds of what?KRYSTAL: The story takes place in England. The currency in England

is pounds. (Seeing that DIRK is clueless.) The family wishes for a lot of money.

MANDY: (Back to AUDIENCE.) Anyway. The son goes off to work at a factory, gets caught in the machinery, and gets horribly mutilated.

DIRK: (Launching into an elaborate death scene. Runs RIGHT.) Help! I’m caught in the machinery! (Runs LEFT.) I’m getting horribly mutilated! (Moves CENTER and overacts his death. After a combination of gasps and screams, he finally falls dead.)

KAYLEY: My makeup is smearing.MACK: (Frantically raises his arms and runs DOWN CENTER.) My

deodorant is melting! (EVERYONE reacts in fear and disgust and moves away.)

MANDY: Stop complaining! You’re making things worse!KRYSTAL: Somebody open a door.ZACK: (Checks the door.) I think the heat has sealed it shut!PEG: (At the thermostat.) The thermostat’s locked!MINDY: It’s only a matter of time before we suffocate.DIRK: Everyone be quiet! Nobody say anything. Let me think. (Silence

for a bit.)NEW GIRL: (Suddenly, without warning, pushes through the crowd

and addresses everyone from CENTER.) Don’t you see what’s happened? We’ve been tricked. The teacher planted that rabbit’s foot to see if we’d act like the people in “The Monkey’s Paw.” And we did! We were greedy. We were selfish. We were trying to do things that man was never meant to do. We should have learned our lesson when we read the story. But noooo! We weren’t happy. We tried to alter the way things were. If we were supposed to be able to change fate, we should have been born with rabbit’s feet of our own! We’ve done it now. We’ve fallen right into her trap. We’re doomed! It’s getting too hot! I’m running out of air! My body is turning to sweat! I’m melting! I’m melting! I’m melting! (Collapses to the floor. EVERYONE stares in stunned silence.)

MANDY: I liked her better when she was quiet.PEG: (Helps her up.) I think the heat is getting to her.HAYLEY: It’s getting to all of us.KAYLEY: (To DIRK.) Thanks to you!DIRK: Fine! It’s hot. I’ll just get the foot and wish for it to get colder.ANN: No way! You’ve caused enough trouble already. (To DAN.)

Tell him.DAN: (Steps forward to act tough, then chickens out.) What she said.SARA: If you wish for it to be colder, we’ll probably all turn to ice

or something.MANDY: Fine! Everybody who wants to make a third wish, over here.

(Nobody moves.)TARA: Two wishes were enough for me.KRYSTAL: You guys are being wimpy all of a sudden.KARA: We’re just being safe. (Sits.)KAYLEY: And you’re being reckless.

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HAYLEY: As usual. (KAYLEY and HAYLEY sit.)JAN: We tried to wish, and it didn’t work. We’ve learned our lesson.

There are some things you just shouldn’t try to change. (Sits.)ZACK: We should all just sit down and behave. (Sits.)MACK: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I agree with the smart

kid. (Sits.)JACK: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I agree with the dumb kid who

agrees with the smart kid. (Sits.)MEG: You can count me out, too!PEG: See? Even she learned her lesson!MEG: I don’t even know what’s going on. I’m just tired of

watching the window. (Moves to seat.) And when is that sub getting here? I’m starving! (ALL move to their seats except DIRK, MANDY, and KRYSTAL.)

MANDY: So it’s just the three of us?ANN: Wow. She can count!KRYSTAL: I guess we’ll have to make this wish on our own.GREG: It won’t work!DIRK: It will too. We’ll make the wish, and we’ll be the ones who get it.CINDY: You’ll get it, all right!KARA: Don’t do it!SARA: Something bad will happen.MINDY: Haven’t you guys learned your lesson yet? Your wishes keep

making things worse. Just leave things the way they are.KRYSTAL: I’m tired of being lectured.MANDY: (To DIRK.) They just don’t get it. Make a wish so we don’t

have to put up with this.DIRK: Okay… (Thinks, then wishes slowly.) I wish that all the wimps

would be out of this class… and that the three of us get to go somewhere else!

SUB: (Walks IN quickly. The wishers jump.) Why are you out of your seats?KRYSTAL: Uh…SUB: Who said you could go through my things?MANDY: Um…SUB: What are you doing with my rabbit’s foot?DIRK: We…SUB: It looks like I’m going to have to take the three of you to A.C.

(Looks to OTHERS.) The rest of you get your things and go. We’ll have a free day out on the basketball courts. (STUDENTS cheer. JACK bolts OUT the door with his basketball. SUB goes to the desk

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SETTINGA modern day English classroom with twenty student desks and one teacher’s desk. There should be a thermostat on one wall and as well as a chalkboard or dry erase board.

Suggested seating diagram:

New Girl Dirk Mandy Krystal Jack

Kayley Kara Mack Sara Meg

Hayley Peg Tara Ann Dan

Mindy Zack Cindy Jan Greg

Teacher

AUDIENCE

to gather her belongings. STUDENTS start to EXIT, passing the WISHERS as they go.)

CINDY: Well, you got your third wish.ZACK: We get to get out of class.TARA: And you get to go somewhere else! (TARA, KARA, and

SARA laugh.)KAYLEY: I wish you didn’t get in trouble. Oh, wait a second. We’re all

out of wishes, aren’t we?HAYLEY: Sorry. (KAYLEY and HAYLEY giggle.)GREG: (To MINDY.) I still don’t think the rabbit’s foot had any power.MINDY: But they got what they wished for.GREG: No. They got what they deserved! (NEW GIRL raises a finger as

if to say something.)WISHERS: Don’t say it! (NEW GIRL EXITS. STUDENTS have all EXITED

except for DIRK, MANDY, KRYSTAL, and MEG. SUB looks up, notices MEG, and clears her throat to get MEG’S attention. MEG realizes she should go and skips toward the door.)

MEG: That’s what you get for hurting cute little bunnies. (EXITS.)SUB: (From desk.) I need to leave a note for Mrs. Caesar. Why don’t

the three of you get your things and wait outside the door? I’ll be right there.

DIRK: (As they gather things.) I’m confused. Did our wishes come true or what?

KRYSTAL: It seems like it, but I guess it could have been a coincidence.MANDY: I think that sub used the rabbit’s foot to teach us a lesson.DIRK: We’ll probably never know for sure.KRYSTAL: Well, we’ll have a few days in A.C. to think about it.MANDY: Maybe we can talk our way out of this.DIRK/KRYSTAL: I wish! (WISHERS EXIT.)SUB: (Finishing her note.) Did as you asked. Taught lesson on the

consequences of trying to change fate. Gave free time to those who seemed to understand. (Starts to leave. Notices something on the floor.) Hey! My keys! They must have fallen under the desk. (Holds up rabbit’s foot.) I really need to get a new key chain. This rabbit’s foot does nothing but cause trouble. (Hooks her keys to rabbit’s foot and EXITS.)

END OF PLAY

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ii 19


WISHFUL THINKING

By KENNETH R. PREUSS

CAST OF CHARACTERS(In Order of Appearance)

# of lines

DIRK ..................................funny troublemaker 54KRYSTAL .............................sarcastic troublemaker 50MANDY ...............................tough troublemaker 47HAYLEY ..............................snobby 27KAYLEY ...............................just as snobby 27ANN ...................................cool girl 14DAN ...................................Ann’s boyfriend 13JAN ....................................Ann’s neurotic friend 13MACK .................................dim-witted 15JACK ..................................obsessed with basketball 18CINDY ................................intelligent 13ZACK ..................................class intellectual 17MINDY ................................whiny 15SARA ..................................one of three friends into teen 14

gossip magazinesKARA ..................................another 14TARA ..................................the third 15PEG ....................................kind, level-headed 17NEW GIRL ...........................completely silent until a late 1

outburstGREG .................................cynical 15MEG ...................................air-headed 19SUB ...................................off-beat substitute teacher 32

PRODUCTION NOTES

PROPERTIESDesks, papers, pencils and other school supplies, a briefcase, a rabbit’s foot, phones, a basketball, a set of keys.

SOUND EFFECTSSchool bell.

FLEXIBLE CASTING NOTEThe gender of many characters can be changed rather easily. (Example: MANDY can become RANDY. ANN’s boyfriend, DAN, can become a friend named FRAN with the elimination of a couple romantic references.)

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