By Alexi Alfieri

© Copyright 2015, Pioneer Drama Service, Inc.

Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that a royalty must be paid for every performance, whether or not admission is charged. All inquiries regarding rights should be addressed to Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., PO Box 4267, Englewood, CO 80155.

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WHAT HAPPENED AFTER ONCE UPON A TIME

By ALEXI ALFIERI

CAST OF CHARACTERS(In Order of Appearance)

# of lines

STORYTELLER .................... a determined substitute 194

CINDERELLA ...................... clean freak 22

RAPUNZEL ......................... diva 27

FIRST PIG .......................... hypochondriac allergic to straw 10

WOLF ................................ English gentleman 13

SECOND PIG ...................... hypochondriac with a bad back 9

THIRD PIG .......................... hypochondriac suffering from 5 depression

HANSEL ............................. all boy 34

GRETEL ............................. all girl 35

JACK ................................. loser 26

KING ................................. ditzy 17

QUEEN .............................. confused 21

PRINCESS ......................... forgetful 8

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD ... lawyer 26

HAPPY ............................... mischievous leader of the Seven 12 Dwarfs

DOPEY............................... clueless dwarf 3

SLEEPY ............................. sleepy dwarf 3

SNEEZY ............................. sneezy dwarf 3

SNOW WHITE ..................... stern mother 9

DOC .................................. nerdy dwarf 3

BASHFUL ........................... shy dwarf 3

GRUMPY ............................ grouchy dwarf 6

GOLDILOCKS ..................... scaredy-cat 23

BABY BEAR ........................ trying to be a grown-up bear 5

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SETThe background is a brick wall with fairytale graffiti all over it, such as “For Legal Advice, Call Red!” or “Jack was here!” or “Rapunzel the Beautiful.” There’s a chair UP RIGHT facing the audience for the storyteller. Beside the chair, books with titles visible in large print should be stacked in the following descending order: “Cinderella,” “Rapunzel,” “The Three Little Pigs,” “Hansel and Gretel,” “Jack and the Beanstalk,” “The Princess and the Pea,” “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs,” “Little Red Riding Hood,” and “Goldilocks and the Three Bears.”

SYNOPSIS OF SCENESScene breaks are for rehearsal purposes only. The play should be presented in its entirety without any pauses or breaks.

Scene One: CinderellaScene Two: RapunzelScene Three: The Three Little PigsScene Four: Hansel and GretelScene Five: Jack and the BeanstalkScene Six: The Princess and the PeaScene Seven: Snow White and the Seven DwarfsScene Eight: Little Red Riding HoodScene Nine: Goldilocks and the Three Bears

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WHAT HAPPENED AFTER ONCE UPON A TIME

Scene OneSTORYTELLER: (ENTERS and addresses AUDIENCE.) Oh, hello! Does

anyone know where I should…? (Looks around and spots the chair UP RIGHT.) Oh, this must be the spot! (Sits.) I’m so sorry. You’ll have to excuse my confusion. They just called me in a few hours ago as a substitute storyteller. I’m not really sure what happened—something about the last one quitting out of the blue. Very mysterious if you ask me. (Looks around.) Now, let me see, they told me I’d find my stories around here somewhere. (Spots the stack of books.) Oh, yes! Here they are! Oh, my favorite! Fairy tales! (Wistfully.) You know, when I was little, whenever I heard the phrase “Once upon a time…” it would just send shivers right through me! I just couldn’t wait to hear what happened next! And now here I am saying it to you! And you must be just as excited as I am to find out how things will work out. Oh, I just love this job already! Let’s start with “Cinderella,” shall we? (Takes the “Cinderella” book, clears throat, and then begins reading dramatically.) “Once upon a time…” (Looks up at AUDIENCE, shivers with delight, and continues.) “…there was a beautiful girl named Cinderella. Cinderella had two stepsisters who were very unkind to her. They made her do all the work. Cinderella had to sweep the floors, wash the dishes, and do the laundry while her stepsisters relaxed on the sofa or went to grand parties—”

CINDERELLA: (ENTERS with a bucket with a “C” monogram. A clean freak, she wears a skirt with a blouse neatly tucked in. Her hair is up, possibly in a kerchief, and she wears tennis shoes since she’s always on the move.) Hold on! I don’t see why everyone thinks I was forced to do housework. I love to clean! It’s absolutely invigorating! Just the thought of getting things in order and organized just melts my stress away. (Pulls on rubber gloves.)

STORYTELLER: Excuse me? Are you Cinderella?CINDERELLA: Of course. Can’t you tell it’s me from my monogrammed

mop bucket? (Lifts bucket up.)STORYTELLER: Oh, yes. I’m sorry. I guess I should have spotted that.CINDERELLA: (Sympathetic.) First day on the job?STORYTELLER: Yes, and I have to admit, I’m a little confused. Did you

say you like to clean?CINDERELLA: That’s right! And I’m starting with this floor. It’s filthy!

Feel free to continue on with the story, though. (Kneels, takes a rag from the bucket and drapes it over her shoulder. Takes a scrub brush from the bucket and begins to scrub the floor.)

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STORYTELLER: Well, all right. (Reads. [NOTE: Throughout the play, STORYTELLER’S lines in quotation marks indicate when she is reading from a book.]) “Now, one day a special invitation from the royal palace came in the mail. Cinderella and her two stepsisters were invited to a ball to celebrate the birthday of the prince. He was the most handsome fellow in all the land.”

CINDERELLA: Huh! (Still scrubbing vigorously.) He isn’t much to look at, if you ask me. His hair’s untidy, he always has dirt under his fingernails, and I know for a fact that he never makes his bed. The royal maids told me so!

STORYTELLER: But he’s a prince. He shouldn’t have to make his own bed.

CINDERELLA: Well, maybe if he wasn’t so busy acting like he was Prince Charming or something he would have the time to fold his underwear properly and put them away. I hear he just leaves them draped all over the place!

STORYTELLER: Really?CINDERELLA: Oh, yes, and do you want to know what else?STORYTELLER: What’s that?CINDERELLA: I don’t care to step one big toe into that royal palace!

The floors are polished just once a year, the mantle pieces are only dusted once a month, the kitchen ovens are a blackened mess, and— (STORYTELLER puts the “Cinderella” book aside and looks through the other books, scattering them around the chair.) Hey! What are you doing?

STORYTELLER: Well, I’m trying to look for a new book, because I don’t think this fairy tale is very accurate.

CINDERELLA: Well, I agree with you there, but wait! You’re making a mess! (Drops the scrub brush into the bucket, runs over, and begins to pile the books back up.) These books need to stay in order! You should keep them arranged by size or alphabetically or—Ooh!—maybe by the color of the spine! (Looks excitedly at STORYTELLER.)

STORYTELLER: I think we’re getting a little off track here.CINDERELLA: You’re right. We need to focus. You keep reading, and

I’ll just tidy up.STORYTELLER: All right, I’ll give this another try.CINDERELLA: Absolutely. Go on, go on. (Pulls the rag off her shoulder,

snaps it, and begins to energetically dust the covers of the books and restack them in order.)

STORYTELLER: (Picks up the Cinderella book and flips to a page.) “So, Cinderella’s two stepsisters went off to the ball, and Cinderella was left to scrub the bathroom…” (CINDERELLA smiles big. Adds

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in.) …which was one of her very favorite things to do. (CINDERELLA nods approvingly. Back to book.) “No sooner had she begun to polish the potty, than her fairy godmother appeared. She gave Cinderella a beautiful gown—”

CINDERELLA: That desperately needed to be dry cleaned.STORYTELLER: “And a carriage—”CINDERELLA: That had the grimiest wheels you ever saw.STORYTELLER: “And told her she mustn’t stay past midnight at the

ball.”CINDERELLA: Which I never wanted to go to in the first place!STORYTELLER: Oh, boy. Okay, this isn’t working out. Maybe I really

should move on to another fairy tale.CINDERELLA: Oh, no you don’t. Not until I’ve had a chance to tackle

this wall! (Stands and puts her hands on her hips.) Just look at it! It’s been vandalized!

STORYTELLER: Actually, some people consider graffiti to be its own unique form of art.

CINDERELLA: Well, those people must be absolute slobs, because I would never consider this anything but a complete mess!

STORYTELLER: Well, I don’t want to spend time arguing. How about I start another story, and you feel free to go and—

CINDERELLA: (Excited.) Organize my spice rack?STORYTELLER: (Encouraging.) Yes, yes, that sounds like a good idea.CINDERELLA: So I can leave you here and count on things getting

cleaned up when you’re done?STORYTELLER: Absolutely.CINDERELLA: All right, then. Good luck with this new storyteller job

and all. Shall I leave my Mr. Clean Magic Eraser with you?STORYTELLER: Thank you, but I don’t think I’ll need it.CINDERELLA: Okay, I’m off then. (Grabs the bucket.) Ooh! Maybe I’ll

have time to clean my tub with a toothbrush! (EXITS.)End of Scene One

Scene TwoSTORYTELLER: Well, now, I never expected Cinderella to be a clean

freak. I suppose I shouldn’t make too many assumptions about the stars of these fairy tales. (Picks the next book, “Rapunzel,” off the pile.) So, let’s try the next story, shall we? (Dramatically.) “Once upon a time—” Oh, I do still like the sound of that! “…there was an evil enchantress who had a daughter named Rapunzel.”

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RAPUNZEL: (ENTERS, mimes chewing gum with an obnoxious diva attitude. She is way over-dressed in a prom dress, complete with matching shoes and jewelry.) Hold on right there, Miss Storyteller, because I know the perfect person to play the evil enchantress. My ex-friend Rachel. That’s right, my ex-friend. Can you believe it?! She calls me up the other day and tells me she asked out Prince Frederick, who she knows I’ve had a crush on since our first day at the Royal Academy!

STORYTELLER: Rapunzel?RAPUNZEL: Duh.STORYTELLER: Well, I’m sorry about your ex-friend, but so far, would

you have any corrections to make to this fairy tale? (Indicates book.) Anything amiss?

RAPUNZEL: (Scoffs.) No.STORYTELLER: Oh, good. May I continue then?RAPUNZEL: (Rolls her eyes.) I guess.STORYTELLER: “Unable to have children, the evil enchantress had

taken Rapunzel from a poor old couple when she was just a baby.”RAPUNZEL: Well, that sounds about right. I could totally see Rachel

doing something like that.STORYTELLER: “And Rapunzel grew into a beautiful young woman.”RAPUNZEL: (Examines her manicured nails.) So far, you’re reading it

perfectly.STORYTELLER: “Since Rapunzel was so attractive, the evil enchantress

locked her away in a tower with no stairs or door so there wasn’t any chance a prince could steal her away.”

RAPUNZEL: Oh, I hate this part. I’m stuck up there in that stinky old tower, and no one’s returning my calls, and it’s just so boring! By the way, when is lunch? I was told this was going to be catered, and I’m famished!

STORYTELLER: Well, I hadn’t heard anything about a lunch break.RAPUNZEL: Aren’t you in charge around here?STORYTELLER: Not really. I was just called in as a substitute storyteller.RAPUNZEL: So, you have no real authority then?STORYTELLER: Well, I wouldn’t say that. I’m doing the narrating.RAPUNZEL: (Snaps her fingers.) Let me talk to your boss.STORYTELLER: I’m not sure who that would be.RAPUNZEL: I want to speak with the one who makes the important

decisions around here… the one who does the hiring and firing! (Glares threateningly.)

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STORYTELLER: (Worried.) Oh, Rapunzel. Please, you don’t have to do that. If I’ve offended you somehow, I’m sorry! It’s my first day on the job, and—

RAPUNZEL: Fine, fine. Continue with my story.STORYTELLER: (Relieved.) Yes, of course. (Flips hastily to the next

page.) “But at the top of the tower there was a tiny window where the extremely beautiful and multi-talented princess could look over the countryside.”

RAPUNZEL: (Sighs, smiling.) That is one thing the real estate agent was right about. It did have a lovely view.

STORYTELLER: “When the evil enchantress wanted to check on Rapunzel at the top of the tower, she would cry, ‘Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!’”

RAPUNZEL: And can you believe that? They actually slipped that clause into my contract—that I had to let someone climb my hair! I can’t imagine why I couldn’t have had a hair double or something! (Throws her hands up.) The things I do for this business!

STORYTELLER: That’s terrible.RAPUNZEL: Well, go on, go on.STORYTELLER: “So Rapunzel let her long hair down for the evil

enchantress to climb up and—”RAPUNZEL: You know, let me just summarize this next part for you.STORYTELLER: (Startled.) Oh, all right.RAPUNZEL: Well, first of all, I’ll have you know it was just a couple of

days, and then I was so sick of having to repeat that scene where my hair is getting ripped out of my scalp that I walked off set. I mean, really! If they expect me to just stand around for that sort of torture, they better be prepared to offer me a much bigger share of the royalties.

STORYTELLER: Of course.RAPUNZEL: Then, they hire this little pipsqueak to play the prince who

is supposed to be riding through the forest and then stopping at the tower when he hears me singing. Well, the wimp can’t even stay on his horse! He keeps falling off, and we have to keep restarting the scene! You can’t imagine what that did to my singing voice.

STORYTELLER: That’s awful.RAPUNZEL: And then, he finally gets to the top of the tower, tearing

my hair out in the process, mind you, and he starts to speak, causing me to about keel over!

STORYTELLER: What was the matter?RAPUNZEL: Let’s just say the guy really needed some Tic Tacs.

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STORYTELLER: No.RAPUNZEL: Yes! And they expected me to kiss him.STORYTELLER: No!RAPUNZEL: Yes! And when I refused to pucker up, this pathetic

excuse for a prince just sat at the bottom of my tower for the next three days, waiting for me to change my mind. My word, it felt like he was stalking me!

STORYTELLER: Well, that’s quite a story.RAPUNZEL: And that’s the end.STORYTELLER: That’s the end?RAPUNZEL: Duh.STORYTELLER: (Confused.) We’re done?RAPUNZEL: Yes, I’d say our business is finished here. I need some

time to call Rachel back and give her a piece of my mind. But I tell you what, I’ll have my people call your people, and we’ll do lunch. Ta-ta! (EXITS.)

End of Scene Two

Scene ThreeSTORYTELLER: Well! I had no idea that working with fairytale

superstars would be so challenging. Maybe it would help if I tried a story with a larger cast and no divas. (Picks the next book off the pile.) Ah, here’s one! “The Three Little Pigs!” (Opens up the book and reads.) “Once upon a time… (Looks up at AUDIENCE and smiles.) …there was an old mother pig who had three little pigs. Since she couldn’t afford to keep them all at home, she sent them out to seek their fortunes. The first little pig set off and met a man with a bundle of straw.”

FIRST PIG: (ENTERS, rubs eyes, and talks nasally.) Oh, boy. I keep telling them I’m allergic to straw.

STORYTELLER: Really? You have hayfever?FIRST PIG: Definitely. If I get within a mile of a stalk of straw, my eyes

get itchy, I start to sneeze, and I can’t breathe!STORYTELLER: That bad, huh?FIRST PIG: Yup. But that’s the breaks. You can keep reading.

(Rummages in pockets.) I’m pretty sure I brought my antihistamines with me today.

STORYTELLER: Okay. I’ll try to read this part really quickly. (Reads fast.) “So the first little pig asked for some straw to build a house. So the man gave the first little pig some straw—”

FIRST PIG: (Pulls a bundle of straw out of a pocket.) Ah-choo! (Pulls out a handkerchief.)

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STORYTELLER: (Reads faster as the FIRST PIG continues to sneeze.) “And the first little pig built a house. Presently, a wolf came along, knocked on the door, and said…”

WOLF: (ENTERS, growls.) Little pig, little pig, let me come in!STORYTELLER: “To which the pig replied…”FIRST PIG: Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin. (Thinks.) Hey, what

is a chinny-chin-chin anyway? Could it be the symptom of a serious disease? Because with my weakened immune system, I can’t afford to catch anything.

WOLF: (Straightens up posture and speaks in a gentleman’s voice. English accent if possible, but not necessary.) Why, my dear fellow, I’ve never even considered what a chinny-chin-chin might be. I do know all this huffing and puffing is taking a dreadful toll on my asthma. (Pulls out an inhaler.)

FIRST PIG: Really? I didn’t know you had asthma. And you still wanted to be cast as the big bad wolf?

WOLF: (Dramatic.) It’s the role I was born to play, and I’m willing to suffer for my art.

STORYTELLER: May I continue?FIRST PIG: Yeah, I guess.WOLF: Oh, yes, certainly.STORYTELLER: “So, the wolf huffed, and he puffed…” (WOLF feebly

huffs and puffs, then takes a puff on his inhaler while FIRST PIG blows his nose.) “And he blew the house down.”

WOLF: (Throws an arm over FIRST PIG’S shoulder, leading him OFF.) Sorry, old chum.

FIRST PIG: Ah, don’t worry about it. At least I’ll be put out of my misery. (Sneezes. They’re OFF.)

STORYTELLER: I guess we’d better move on to the second little pig.WOLF: (Peeks IN. Dramatic.) The show must go on. (He’s OFF again.)STORYTELLER: “The second little pig was busy building a house of

sticks.”SECOND PIG: (ENTERS with a bundle of sticks.) Please tell me why I’m

always stuck working with the heaviest props? My back is killing me!

STORYTELLER: “And when he needed more sticks, he asked the stick merchant…”

SECOND PIG: Please give me the lightest sticks out of the pile so I can build a house.

STORYTELLER: I don’t think that’s what it says here.

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SECOND PIG: I’m ad-libbing. I’m not spending another 300 dollars at the chiropractor this month.

STORYTELLER: Okay, I suppose that detail won’t matter so much to the story. “Then, along came the wolf, who said…”

WOLF: (ENTERS, growls.) Little pig, little pig, let me come in!STORYTELLER: “To which the pig replied…”SECOND PIG: Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin. Not unless you’re

willing to come in and help me lift these heavy sticks into place.STORYTELLER: Hey, that’s not what’s written here! That would

definitely change the story if you invited the wolf in.SECOND PIG: Okay, okay. Let him huff and puff and blow the house

down so I can go lie down on a heating pad.STORYTELLER: Well, you could just go, and we’ll skip over that part.

The wolf’s asthma is taking the huff out of his puffing anyway.SECOND PIG: Thanks. I feel another spasm coming on. (EXITS,

clutching lower back.)WOLF: (Gentleman’s voice.) Cheerio, good fellow! Just as well. My

cholesterol count’s up, and my doctor tells me I need to cut down on bacon. (Picks up bundle of sticks and escorts SECOND PIG OFF.)

STORYTELLER: I see. I still have to read about the third little pig though.

WOLF: (Pops ON again, waving paw nonchalantly.) Yes, yes, fine. (He’s OFF.)

STORYTELLER: “So the third little pig went off to seek his fortune and met a man with a pile of bricks. He asked the man if he could use them to build a house.”

THIRD PIG: (Trudges ON, moans.) I can’t possibly build anything right now. I’m so depressed.

STORYTELLER: Oh, my.THIRD PIG: I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I’m certainly not going to tackle

some large-scale creative project. Besides, my therapy session starts in about fifteen minutes.

STORYTELLER: (Calls offstage to WOLF.) What do we do now?WOLF: (ENTERS with a dramatic flourish.) Oh, it’s quite simple, good

storyteller. The pig and I, we’ll just take our bows.STORYTELLER: All right, then. I suppose that’s all we can do at this

point. (WOLF and THIRD PIG both bow deeply to AUDIENCE. THIRD PIG stands with shoulders slumped.)

WOLF: (Takes out a handkerchief dabs at his eyes dramatically.) Thank you, thank you so much. You’ve been a wonderful audience. (To

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STORYTELLER.) I wouldn’t be surprised if this performance seals my nomination for the Tony. (WOLF and THIRD PIG EXIT.)

End of Scene Three

Scene FourSTORYTELLER: (As they go.) Well, we’ll see. (To AUDIENCE.) Oh, brother.

Maybe that fairy tale should be called “The Three Hypochondriacs and the Big Bad Actor.” Well, no matter, I’d better just try another fairy tale. (Plucks next book off the pile.) Ah, “Hansel and Gretel”! I doubt we’ll have any trouble with this one. All right, here we go. (Dramatic.) “Once upon a time, at the edge of a deep dark forest…” (HANSEL and GRETEL ENTER. HANSEL is a rough and tumble boy and looks unkempt in old shorts and an untucked t-shirt. He carries a spear. GRETEL is as girly as they come, wearing a dress and heels and carrying a small purse.)

HANSEL: Stay behind me, Gretel. I’ll protect you.GRETEL: Hansel, you do realize there aren’t any dangerous animals

in this forest, right?HANSEL: Wrong, sis. I’ve spotted more than a few chipmunks in here

that look like they mean business.GRETEL: I just can’t believe you brought a spear, of all things.HANSEL: (Pats back pocket.) That and an extra pair of socks is

everything a real man needs.GRETEL: I see. No survival kit? No flashlight? No food?HANSEL: Of course not. I thought you were bringing that stuff. What’s

in your purse?GRETEL: Just the essentials.HANSEL: Which are?GRETEL: My wallet, my car keys, tissues, my favorite lip gloss, a

tube of mascara, a brush, my cellphone… even though there’s no coverage here

HANSEL: How in the world did you fit all of that in there? (Points to the tiny purse.) And you didn’t bring any snacks?

GRETEL: Oh, I see. The girl is supposed to take care of the food, right?HANSEL: Oh, you know I didn’t mean it like that. I’m just starved!GRETEL: You’re always hungry. But you’re in luck. I may have a pack of

peanuts somewhere in here. (Rummages in purse.)HANSEL: (Leans in and looks into the purse along with GRETEL.) Oh,

that would be awesome! How about some beef jerky? You got any of that? Or some cheese puffs?

STORYTELLER: Excuse me.

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HANSEL/GRETEL: (Look up at STORYTELLER.) Yes?STORYTELLER: Aren’t you supposed to be looking for a house made

completely out of candy in the middle of the forest?HANSEL: Oh, yeah!GRETEL: That’s right!STORYTELLER: So shall I read the story?HANSEL: Yeah, yeah. I’m dying for something to eat here.GRETEL: Oh, you’re not dying, Hansel. We just left the house, like,

three minutes ago.HANSEL: Exactly. A guy’s got to keep his strength up.GRETEL: Oh, give me a break.HANSEL: Hey, you aren’t hungry because you pigged out on strawberry

flapjacks this morning.GRETEL: I’ll have you know those were multigrain pancakes topped

with a light and delicious berry compote. They were healthy.HANSEL: And the whipped cream?GRETEL: A girl’s got to live.STORYTELLER: Excuse me.HANSEL/GRETEL: (Look up at STORYTELLER.) Yes?STORYTELLER: The candy house? The witch? The bread trail out of

the forest? Shouldn’t we be getting on with the story?GRETEL: Oh, yes, you’re right.HANSEL: Hey, what was that? (Peers OFF suspiciously.)GRETEL: (Hides behind HANSEL, alarmed.) What? Where?HANSEL: I thought I saw something.GRETEL: (Trembling.) Something?HANSEL: Yeah, something big and hairy.GRETEL: (High-pitched.) Big and hairy?HANSEL: I should go investigate.GRETEL: Don’t leave me! All I have is a pair of tweezers to defend

myself! (Shakes purse.)HANSEL: Oh, so now who wishes she had a spear?GRETEL: Yeah, yeah. Just remember I have our food supply.HANSEL: I would hardly qualify one measly bag of peanuts as a food

supply.GRETEL: Hey! They’re going to taste a whole lot better than that pair

of socks you brought!STORYTELLER: Excuse me.HANSEL/GRETEL: (Look up at STORYTELLER.) Yes?

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STORYTELLER: Are you ever going to look for the candy house, or shall I just move on to a different fairy tale?

HANSEL: Hey, I’d be happy to start gnawing on some walls made of gingerbread, but I can never seem to find that darn place.

GRETEL: That’s because you’re never willing to stop and ask for directions.

HANSEL: And just who am I going to ask around here in the deep dark forest?

GRETEL: You could ask me. I know where the house is, and when I was visiting the witch the other day—

HANSEL: Hold on, hold on. You’ve been having friendly visits with the witch who’s tried to throw me into her oven?

GRETEL: Oh, you know she doesn’t ever really mean that.HANSEL: (Sarcastic.) She doesn’t mean to cook me like a Thanksgiving

turkey?GRETEL: Of course not. You’re so dramatic.HANSEL: I’m dramatic? This from the girl who burst into tears because

she couldn’t find a pair of shoes.GRETEL: Hey! They’re my favorite pair, and they go with everything,

and besides, they’re comfortable. (Indicates feet.) These are killing me!

HANSEL: Well, why are you wearing those to go traipsing around in the forest? (Gestures to GRETEL’S heels.)

GRETEL: Someone has to demonstrate some fashion sense. (Gestures to HANSEL’S unfashionable clothing and rolls her eyes.)

STORYTELLER: Excuse me?HANSEL/GRETEL: (Look up at STORYTELLER.) Yes?STORYTELLER: It’s time for me to move on to another story.HANSEL: You want us to go?GRETEL: Already?STORYTELLER: Yes, please.HANSEL: Well, fine with me. C’mon, Gretel, we’re out of here.GRETEL: Yes, my feminine intuition says it’s time to go.HANSEL: Hey, when we get back home, do you think that feminine

intuition could make me a pastrami sandwich? (GRETEL rolls her eyes, tugs on HANSEL’S sleeve, and they EXIT.)

End of Scene Four

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Scene FiveSTORYTELLER: (Heaves a sigh of relief.) All right, I’m not ready to

give up yet. Sure, there’s been some complaining and arguing and incredibly irritating behavior so far, but I’m not throwing in the towel! There are more fairy tales here, and I intend to find one that I can finish. In fact, I think it’s time for me to read my very favorite. (Giggles.) I think I might have even had a little crush on the main character. So, I’m going to read, “Jack and the Beanstalk”! (Picks up and opens the book.) “Once upon a time, there was a boy named Jack who lived with his mother.” Actually, he was a very handsome young man. (Looks around hopefully but sees no one ONSTAGE.) “Jack’s mother knew he was the sweetest, most charming boy who ever lived.” (Looks around again, still sees no one.) “Jack was helpful and kind and always made sure that his mother had everything she needed.”

JACK: (Stomps ON. Clearly a troublemaker, he wears jeans, t-shirt, and a leather jacket.) In other words, she’s driving me crazy!

STORYTELLER: Jack?JACK: Yeah, whaddaya want?STORYTELLER: Oh, nothing. I just thought—JACK: Thought what? Huh? Thought I’d like living with my mother?

Are you kidding me?! She’s so bossy! She makes me milk the cow, feed the goats, repair the fence, clip her toenails. I’m always running around doing some stupid chore, and I don’t even have my own car, and I’m the star of my own fairy tale!

STORYTELLER: Oh, Jack, surely you don’t mind doing things for your mother! It’s clear from the story that you’re helpful and kind and sweet.

JACK: Yeah, whatever.STORYTELLER: You know, I saw your interview on Colbert (or some

other TV talk show host), and I thought you were so funny when he asked you about—

JACK: (Irritated.) You sure do talk a lot for a storyteller. Why don’t you just read the story? That’s your job, isn’t it?

STORYTELLER: Oh, yes, of course. But can I just mention that I have a poster of you in my room? Maybe if I brought it in, you could sign it?

JACK: Sure, sure, kid.STORYTELLER: (Giggles.) Okay, back to your story. “One day Jack went

off to the market to sell the family’s cow, and on the way, he met a farmer.”

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JACK: Yeah, yeah, everyone knows this part. I give the farmer our stinky cow, and he gives me some magical beans. Yada, yada, yada. Mom throws a conniption fit, and she throws the beans out the window. Yada, yada. A stupid beanstalk grows.

STORYTELLER: That reaches up into the sky, and you bravely decide to climb.

JACK: Yeah, I climb all the way up there, and all I see is this dumb giant living in a stupid castle!

STORYTELLER: And then you see a way to save your mother and yourself from poverty!

JACK: (Grins.) Oh, yeah. I forgot about that part. I started stealing stuff right out from under that giant’s big ugly nose! That was pretty cool.

STORYTELLER: Well, yes, but it was for a good cause.JACK: You bet! I’m buying a Ferrari.STORYTELLER: That’s what you’re doing with the money you got from

selling the magic harp and the hen that laid golden eggs?JACK: Yup. It’s only a matter of time, and I’ll finally have my own set

of wheels.STORYTELLER: And what about your mother?JACK: What about her?STORYTELLER: Don’t you intend to spend some of the money on her?JACK: Are you kidding me? She’s on her own.STORYTELLER: (Frowns.) Sooo… let me get this straight. You still live

at home, you sold a cow for some mysterious beans, you stole high-dollar items without any remorse, and you intend to leave your own mother penniless to fend for herself?

JACK: Yeah, gotta problem?STORYTELLER: Yeah, a big one. I don’t like you anymore.JACK: Oh, boo-hoo. Get over it, sweetheart.STORYTELLER: You’re just not very nice.JACK: Who says I have to be nice, huh? I’m a star.STORYTELLER: Well, I plan on telling everyone what you’re really like,

because you’re certainly not the sweet, helpful, and kind young man who’s in “Jack and the Beanstalk.”

JACK: Hey now…STORYTELLER: I’m sure there are plenty of directors who would like to

know about your bad attitude. And I imagine the local authorities would like to know about the things you’ve stolen! And I’m certain there are plenty of parents who would never want to read a story

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to their child about a selfish thief who couldn’t care less about his mother!

JACK: Hold on, hold on.STORYTELLER: And one more thing!JACK: What?STORYTELLER: I’m taking your poster down.JACK: Aw, now why would you go and do a thing like that?STORYTELLER: You need to clean up your act, or I’ll make sure you

never find work in this town again!JACK: All right, all right. I’ll replace the cow.STORYTELLER: And?JACK: And I’ll return the things I stole off that stupid giant.STORYTELLER: And? (JACK mumbles something.) What was that?JACK: I’ll be nice to Ma.STORYTELLER: Well, now that’s better.JACK: Yeah, yeah, I’m outta here. (EXITS, sulking.)

End of Scene Five

Scene SixSTORYTELLER: Well, I’m very disappointed to see that some fairy

tale characters are not nearly as charming as they’re cracked up to be. I can’t believe I had a poster of that creep! Not to mention a notebook with his picture on them, and… oh, never mind. Let’s move on. (Picks up PRINCESS and the PEA.) The Princess and the Pea. Well, at this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if the pea wasn’t a pea, but instead a rutabaga or something. (Reads, clearly finding it tiresome.) “Once upon a time, there was a king and a queen who had a son who was ready for marriage. Since he was a prince, he needed to marry a true princess, but true princesses were very hard to find. The king and the queen looked everywhere…” (KING and QUEEN ENTER, looking down at the ground. KING is dressed sharply in a business suit and polished black shoes, but his outfit is the only thing that’s sharp about him. QUEEN wears a skirt, frilly blouse, and matching jacket. She may also wear a stylish matching hat on her head since she doesn’t seem to have any brains inside.)

KING: Now, what was I looking for again?QUEEN: Yes, what was it we’re looking for?STORYTELLER: A princess.KING: Really? Is that how the story goes? I’d forgotten.QUEEN: And all this time I thought we were looking for someone’s

contact.

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STORYTELLER: No, you’re both looking for a princess.KING: All right then. Let’s find a princess!QUEEN: Yes, let’s! (KING and QUEEN look around in the sky.)STORYTELLER: Don’t you remember you invited lots of princesses to

come to your castle?KING: Did we? Then they can’t be that hard to find if we’ve asked a

bunch over.QUEEN: Ooh, a party! I love parties.STORYTELLER: No, no, it’s not a party you’re having. You’ve come up

with a test to determine who is a true princess.KING: We have?QUEEN: Ooh, games! I love games.STORYTELLER: Yes, I guess it’s sort of a game. You stack up a bunch

of mattresses and place a pea beneath them all, and then the princesses take turns sleeping on them.

KING: So we need a stack of mattresses and a pea?STORYTELLER: That’s right.KING: Where in heaven are we going to find a pea?QUEEN: Maybe there’s one around here somewhere, darling. Let’s

look. (They look around on the ground again. SOUND EFFECT: DOOR KNOCKING.)

STORYTELLER: I think you should answer the door.KING: Who could that be?QUEEN: Yes, who could that be? We weren’t expecting anyone.STORYTELLER: You’re expecting princesses, remember?KING: Oh, yes, that’s right. (SOUND EFFECT: LOUDER KNOCKING.)QUEEN: Shall I get the door?STORYTELLER: Yes, that would be a good idea.QUEEN: (EXITS and RE-ENTERS with PRINCESS, who wears a stylish

suit and heels.) Hello, who are you? (PRINCESS opens her mouth, then shuts it and looks confused.)

STORYTELLER: Is there something wrong?PRINCESS: I’m so sorry. (Looks helplessly at STORYTELLER.) I forgot

my line.STORYTELLER: You’re supposed to announce that you’re a princess.PRINCESS: Oh, yes. (Loud and rigid.) I’m a princess.QUEEN: That’s nice, dear.KING: Who’s that at the door, my darling?QUEEN: It’s a princess.

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KING: Really? What does she want?QUEEN: (Turns to the PRINCESS.) What do you want?PRINCESS: Ummm… (Stage whisper to STORYTELLER.) What do I

want?STORYTELLER: You’re there to sleep on a pile of mattresses.PRINCESS: Oh, yes. (Rigid.) I’m here to sleep on a pile of mattresses.QUEEN: (Also rigid.) Okay.KING: But, darling, we haven’t found that pea yet.QUEEN: Oh, that’s right. (To PRINCESS.) I’m sorry, dear. You’re going

to have to wait until we find the pea that’s supposed to go under all the mattresses.

STORYTELLER: Wait! You’re not supposed to tell her about the pea!QUEEN: I’m not?STORYTELLER: No, that’s a secret! She can’t be a true princess

unless she complains the next morning about feeling a lump under all those mattresses.

KING: From a pea? You can’t be serious.QUEEN: So she can’t be a true princess unless she’s fussy and whiny

and over-sensitive? That’s a poor message to send out to little girls.

STORYTELLER: Huh? I never thought about it like that. What’s the point of this fairy tale?

KING: Beats me.QUEEN: I haven’t the slightest idea.PRINCESS: I’m confused too. Should I go to sleep now or wait for

them to find a pea?STORYTELLER: I think we’d better just stop here. You can all go.KING: Well, that’s a relief.PRINCESS: You’re telling me. I didn’t have a clue what was going on

from the beginning.QUEEN: Oh, my dear, you’re not the only one. (KING, QUEEN, and

PRINCESS EXIT.)End of Scene Six

Scene SevenSTORYTELLER: You know, when you really start to think about some

of these fairy tales, they’re rather strange, aren’t they? I mean children being shoved into ovens and talking, homeless pigs. They don’t really make a lot of sense. (Picks up the next book.) And I

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have to admit, this next one has always really confused me. “Little Red Riding Hood.” How could a little girl possibly mistake a wolf for her grandmother?

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: (ENTERS. All business, she wears a red business suit and practical heels.) It’s quite simple, really.

STORYTELLER: Oh, hello. Little Red Riding Hood?LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: I prefer Ms. Hood.STORYTELLER: Oh, I’m sorry. Well, Ms. Hood, did you say you can

explain your fairy tale?LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: Of course! I’m very happy to set up a

meeting to go over the plot with you, but for now, shall we just begin?

STORYTELLER: Oh, yes. (Clears throat.) “Once upon a time, there was a girl named Little Red—” Ahem. “—Ms. Hood. One day, Ms. Hood was walking through the forest to go visit her grandmother.

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: Oh, wait just a moment. (Pulls out a planner.) No, no, I can’t possibly squeeze that visit in until next week. Shall I schedule it for Tuesday?

STORYTELLER: You’re sure you can’t visit your grandmother today?LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: No, no, definitely not. I’ve got to be in

court later today to defend a witch against charges of attempted murder.

STORYTELLER: You’re a lawyer?LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: I prefer “criminal defense attorney.”STORYTELLER: I see. Well, I’m not sure what— (SOUND EFFECT:

CELL PHONE RINGS.)LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: (Whips out cell phone from pocket and

looks at it.) Just one moment, I need to take this call. (Into phone.) Ms. Hood speaking. Yes… well, I need to speak with my client, but frankly, we’re not interested in a plea bargain. No, that’s fine… Goodbye.

STORYTELLER: Something wrong?LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: Oh, nothing I haven’t dealt with before.

Fairy Tale Law Enforcement believes my client, the wolf, may have some information they need. They’ve offered him a lighter sentence if he chooses to snitch on a witch.

STORYTELLER: I thought you were defending a witch?LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: No, that’s today. This call was about a

different case. The wolf is from my own fairy tale.STORYTELLER: You’re defending the wolf that ate your grandmother?

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LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: There’s absolutely no evidence to prove such a charge.

STORYTELLER: So your grandmother is alive and well?LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: That information is confidential.STORYTELLER: And the wolf has information about the witch from

“Hansel and Gretel”?LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: No, no, wrong witch. They’re interested in

the witch from “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.”STORYTELLER: I’m confused.LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: It’s quite simple, really.STORYTELLER: That’s exactly what you said about your own fairy tale,

but I still don’t understand how a little girl can mistake a wolf for her own grandmother.

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: Objection. There’s no solid evidence to prove the wolf was in Grandmother’s bed wearing her nightgown at the time of the incident.

STORYTELLER: But that’s how the story goes.LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: Yes, but I intend to remind the jury that

the bedroom was dark, the bed was positioned in the far corner, and Grandmother was known to have a very deep voice, unusually large ears, and I might add, quite a bit of facial hair.

STORYTELLER: So you believe you can prove the wolf’s innocence?LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: For four hundred dollars an hour?

Absolutely.STORYTELLER: But isn’t there a conflict of interest since you’re Little

Red Riding Hood and you’re in the story?LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: (Corrects her.) It’s Ms. Hood. And there’s

no fairy tale law which prohibits me from defending someone with whom I’m acquainted, and I’m also under no obligation to take the stand against my own client.

STORYTELLER: Well, then the wolf will surely be found innocent!LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: And another fairy tale villain will be

exonerated!STORYTELLER: Huh. Frankly, I’m confused about all the legal ins-and-

outs here.LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: It’s quite simple, really. (SOUND EFFECT:

CELL PHONE RINGS.) Oh, pardon me, I need to take this call.STORYTELLER: By all means.LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: (Into phone.) Ms. Hood speaking. Yes…

and what are the charges? Did he stay in the pond the entire time?

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Did he threaten her in any way? Well, yes, of course I’ll take the case. Yes, that’s fine… good-bye.

STORYTELLER: Let me guess. The Frog Prince wants you to defend him against harassment charges.

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: Excellent summation.STORYTELLER: So we don’t have time to continue with this fairy tale,

do we?LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: I’m afraid not. But here’s my card. (Hands

STORYTELLER a business card.) If you ever find yourself in need of a good lawyer, give me a call. (EXITS.)

End of Scene Seven

Scene EightSTORYTELLER: Well, I certainly hope I never have to actually call her.

I wouldn’t think as the storyteller I would get into any sort of legal trouble, but I guess you never know. (DWARFS ENTER. They each wear a distinct color of sweats and hat. DOC wears glasses.)

HAPPY: (Grins.) Hey, who are you?STORYTELLER: I’m the storyteller.DOPEY: No, you’re not.SLEEPY: (Yawns.) I doubt it.SNEEZY: (Sneezes.) You don’t sound like the storyteller.DOC: You don’t look like the storyteller.BASHFUL: You don’t act like the storyteller.STORYTELLER: Well, that’s because I’m the substitute.HAPPY: (Mischievous grin.) Is that right?GRUMPY: I don’t like substitutes.STORYTELLER: Well, I’m sorry to hear that, but I’m narrating today.

What are your names?HAPPY: Well, I’m Grumpy, and this here’s Sleepy. (Elbows SNEEZY, who

sneezes.) And that one yawning over there? (Gestures to SLEEPY.) That’s Sneezy. And Dopey’s the one with the glasses. (Points to DOC, who scowls.) And that there is Bashful and Doc. (Points to DOPEY and BASHFUL.)

GRUMPY: (Grumbles.) And who am I?HAPPY: You’re Happy, of course.GRUMPY: Of course.STORYTELLER: Hmmm… somehow I don’t think you’re telling me the

truth. Besides, those are the Disney names for the dwarfs. They weren’t in the original story that I’m trying to tell today.

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HAPPY: Now why would I go and lie to you?STORYTELLER: Well, I don’t know. Maybe because I’m a substitute.HAPPY: Aw, now who would take advantage of a substitute? That’s

just not right.STORYTELLER: (Picks up the next book.) Well, maybe I should just

start your story, “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.” That will sort out the names.

HAPPY: Right. But hey, what’s your hurry, sub? The last storyteller let us have a two-hour break before the story started. Isn’t that right, fellas? (DWARFS nod.)

STORYTELLER: Hmmm… somehow I don’t believe that either.HAPPY: Well, I hope you know a good lawyer, because if we don’t get

our break, I could report you to the F.T.A.U.STORYTELLER: The F.T.A.U.?GRUMPY: The Fairy Tale Actor’s Union.STORYTELLER: (Glances at Little Red’s business card.) Well, it just so

happens I do, but for heaven’s sakes, take your break, and then we should definitely get started.

HAPPY: Hey, wait a minute! After our break, it’s snack time!STORYTELLER: Snack time?HAPPY: That’s right. The last storyteller would bring in all kinds of

treats. Hey, fellas, whaddaya want for snack today? I’m thinking ’bout some banana cream pie.

DOPEY: That sounds good.SLEEPY: (Yawns.) I want some vanilla pudding.SNEEZY: (Sneezes.) Popcorn with extra butter.DOC: Too much sugar for me. I’d like celery sticks with peanut butter.BASHFUL: Cheese and crackers, please.GRUMPY: I don’t want a snack. I want lunch.STORYTELLER: Now wait just a minute. It’s hard for me to believe

that after a two-hour break, I have to provide you with pies and puddings and peanut butter.

HAPPY: Well, believe it. And then it’s naptime.STORYTELLER: What?HAPPY: Yeah, then we get naptime. It’s right there in our contracts.DOPEY: Sounds good to me.SLEEPY: (Yawns.) Lovely.SNEEZY: (Sneezes.) Yeah, all this sneezing is wearing me out.DOC: They say a mid-afternoon nap is a key to good health.

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BASHFUL: Nighty-night. (Lies down along with HAPPY, DOPEY, SLEEPY, SNEEZY, and DOC.)

GRUMPY: (Scowls.) I’m not tired.SNOW WHITE: (ENTERS carrying a broom. Can be dressed in traditional

Disney costume or any housedress with an apron tied around her waist.) Boys! Get up this minute! (Nudges DWARFS firmly with broom, and they get up immediately with slightly ashamed expressions.)

STORYTELLER: Snow White?SNOW WHITE: Yes, I’m Snow White. Are you a substitute storyteller?STORYTELLER: Yes.SNOW WHITE: Well, let me give you some advice. These dwarfs need

a firm hand! They need discipline! They need to know who’s boss! Especially this one. (Pulls on HAPPY’S ear.)

STORYTELLER: (Sarcastic.) You mean Grumpy?SNOW WHITE: (Shakes her head.) You didn’t fall for that, did you? This

is Happy, who’s always very happy to see how much mischief he can get into.

STORYTELLER: I’m not surprised to hear that.SNOW WHITE: So sorry! You need to set boundaries, Storyteller, and

stick to them! Don’t fall for any shenanigans! These dwarfs will walk all over you like a bathmat if they sense any wishy-washiness on your part!

STORYTELLER: I see.SNOW WHITE: Well, that’s enough for today. I’ll march them right

home, put them to work, and you can try again tomorrow.STORYTELLER: Thank you. I appreciate that.SNOW WHITE: You’re quite welcome. (EXITS, shooing the DWARFS OFF

ahead of her.)End of Scene Eight

Scene NineSTORYTELLER: I’m suddenly feeling very tired. I don’t know why,

though. It’s not like I’ve been doing much reading. I haven’t been able to finish one fairy tale yet! The stack is getting smaller, but I’m not getting anywhere past “Once upon a time”! They’re going to fire me for sure! I have to give it one last effort. (Picks up last book.) All right, here we go. “Goldilocks and the Three Bears.“ (Takes a big breath.) “Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Goldilocks who loved to wander through the forest.”

GOLDILOCKS: (ENTERS timidly. She wears a gingham dress and wears her hair in pigtails.) Do I have to?

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STORYTELLER: Do you have to what?GOLDILOCKS: (Trembling.) Wander through the forest? It’ll be dark

soon, and there are very scary things in there. I’m just filling in for a friend today, so I don’t know what’s going to happen.

STORYTELLER: You’ll be fine. You’re just going to the house of the three bears.

GOLDILOCKS: What?! Three bears!STORYTELLER: It’s okay, it’s okay. They’re not home.GOLDILOCKS: (Relieved.) Oh, thank goodness.STORYTELLER: I’m going to keep reading now.GOLDILOCKS: (Tentative.) Okay.STORYTELLER: “When Goldilocks reached the house of the three

bears, she walked inside and spotted three chairs. She climbed up into Papa Bear’s chair, which was extremely tall.”

GOLDILOCKS: Oh, no.STORYTELLER: What?GOLDILOCKS: I’m afraid of heights.STORYTELLER: It wasn’t that high.GOLDILOCKS: But I already feel dizzy and nauseous just thinking

about it.STORYTELLER: (Sighs.) Let’s just move on to the next chair.GOLDILOCKS: All right.STORYTELLER: “Goldilocks then sat in Mama Bear’s chair, which was

too soft.”GOLDILOCKS: Oh, that’s no good. I get lost in pillow furniture like that.

It’s so hard to get up once you’ve sat down.STORYTELLER: Maybe, but there’s nothing to worry about because

then you sat in Baby Bear’s chair, which was just right… until you busted it.

GOLDILOCKS: (Relieved, then worried.) Oh no! Was I hurt?STORYTELLER: (Slightly exasperated.) No, not at all. You just picked

yourself up and brushed yourself off. You’re fine.GOLDILOCKS: Okay.STORYTELLER: “Then Goldilocks saw three bowls of porridge on the

kitchen table. She tried a spoonful of Papa Bear’s porridge, but it was too hot.”

GOLDILOCKS: Did I burn my tongue?STORYTELLER: No, no. Don’t worry. “Then she tried a spoonful of

Mama Bear’s porridge, but it was too cold.”GOLDILOCKS: Oh, well, that’s not so terrible.

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STORYTELLER: See? You can handle this. “Then she tried a spoonful of Baby Bear’s porridge, and it was just right.”

GOLDILOCKS: Hey, this is all right. Nothing really awful has happened so far.

STORYTELLER: You’re right, and I just may be able to finish a fairy tale for the first time today! Are you ready? Can I keep going?

GOLDILOCKS: Oh, yes, I’m fine.STORYTELLER: Great! “Then Goldilocks went into the bedroom where

she saw three beds.”GOLDILOCKS: I bet I know what happens!STORYTELLER: “She lay down on Papa Bear’s bed…”GOLDILOCKS: But it was too hard!STORYTELLER: “She lay down on Mama Bear’s bed…”GOLDILOCKS: But it was too soft!STORYTELLER: Right! “Finally, she lay down on Baby Bear’s bed…”GOLDILOCKS/STORYTELLER: (Together.) And it was just right!STORYTELLER: Okay, Goldilocks, work with me here. You’re doing

great, and I’m almost done. If we can just get through this last part, then I can—

BABY BEAR: (ENTERS.) Roar!GOLDILOCKS: Ahhh! (Screams and runs OFF.)STORYTELLER: (Face palm.) Oh, I can’t believe it.BABY BEAR: Was it something I said? Did I come in too late?STORYTELLER: (Holds up fingers.) I was this close.BABY BEAR: Huh?STORYTELLER: The end was in sight! It was one page away!BABY BEAR: Are you the storyteller?STORYTELLER: (Puts head in hands.) Yes, yes, I’m sorry to say that

I’m the storyteller.CINDERELLA: (ENTERS.) Yes, and as the storyteller, you promised me

this place would be cleaned up by the end of the day, and this wall is still filthy!

RAPUNZEL: (ENTERS.) Yeah, and I just spoke with Rachel, and she told me she hasn’t heard from you about the role of the evil enchantress. I’ll have you know Rachel is my best friend again and a wonderful actress, and if I have to threaten someone around here for her to get the part, I will!

FIRST PIG: (ENTERS with papers.) Hey, Storyteller, I need your help. I’ve got some home owners insurance claims to make, and I’m not sure where to send the paperwork.

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SECOND PIG: (ENTERS with papers.) Yeah, me too.THIRD PIG: (ENTERS with papers.) Me three.WOLF: (ENTERS, followed by HANSEL and GRETEL.) Pardon me, but

did someone mention something about paperwork? Is it in regard to the Tony nominations this year? Because I feel very confident about my performance.

HANSEL: Hey, buddy, confidence is traveling with a spear.GRETEL: No, Hansel, confidence is wearing a fabulous pair of shoes.JACK: (ENTERS.) Hey, Storyteller, I just told my mother I’m moving out,

and she started crying! Now what am I supposed to do?KING: (ENTERS with QUEEN.) Why is everyone gathered up like this?

Am I missing something?QUEEN: Ooooh, is this a celebration? I love celebrations!PRINCESS: (ENTERS.) Well, I’m here, but I don’t remember what I’m

supposed to be doing. Storyteller, what’s my line?SNOW WHITE: (ENTERS, pushing DWARFS IN ahead of her and lining

them up. [See PRODUCTION NOTES.]) More importantly, when are the seven dwarfs serving detention? I know they deserve it!

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: (ENTERS.) Has someone seen a cell phone around here? Mine’s missing, and I’m due in court in twenty minutes. Storyteller? Storyteller? (STORYTELLER buries her head and gives a strangled sound.)

QUEEN: Is there something wrong, dear?STORYTELLER: (Raises head.) Yes! There’s something wrong. I’ve

just heard so much whining and complaining and objecting and forgetting that… that…

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: Do you need some legal counsel?THIRD PIG: Or the advice of a therapist?GRETEL: How about some chocolate? I always carry some with me

for emergencies.HANSEL: Hey, you didn’t tell me you had chocolate when we were

starving in the woods!GRETEL: Not an emergency.GOLDILOCKS: (ENTERS. Timidly.) Is everything okay?STORYTELLER: No! Everything is not okay. I don’t have what it takes

to do this job. I just need to… quit! (Bursts into tears.)SECOND PIG: Aw, now why would you wanna do that? You’re the best

storyteller we’ve ever had!WOLF: Absolutely top notch.STORYTELLER: (Sniffles.) What? Really?

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JACK: Definitely. If it wasn’t for you, I’d still be some lazy bum, mooching off my mom.

CINDERELLA: And you did re-pile those books fairly neatly.KING: And you helped the queen and I remember our story.GOLDILOCKS: And you helped me to be brave.STORYTELLER: Well, I guess I did do all of that, but this job is just not

what I expected.PRINCESS: Nothing ever is.LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: I think that as the storyteller, you’ve been

very professional.FIRST PIG: And understanding.SECOND PIG: And flexible.THIRD PIG: And kind.SNOW WHITE: I think with some practice, you’ll know what to do to

keep everyone in line.QUEEN: Rapunzel, don’t you have something to say to our dear sweet

storyteller?RAPUNZEL: (Huffs and rolls her eyes.) Oh, I suppose the storyteller

doesn’t deserve to be fired… today.STORYTELLER: (Sniffles and shrugs shoulders.) Well, I guess I can

stay.GRETEL: You have to stay. You’re the fourth storyteller we’ve had this

month, and all this turnover is killing us.STORYTELLER: You really think I can do this?BABY BEAR: Absolutely.STORYTELLER: (Brightens and stands up from chair.) Well, maybe if

I had some sort of assurance that we’re working together here. (OTHERS begin to huddle together and hold a discussion while STORYTELLER continues.) If I knew that once I started reading these fairy tales, there was a chance I could actually reach the end. That there’d be a resolution, a conclusion, a wrapping up of things. (Looks hopefully at the OTHERS, who turn to face STORYTELLER.) I would really like to know what happened after once upon a time!

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: It’s quite simple, really.STORYTELLER: Really?ALL: They lived happily ever after!STORYTELLER: Oh, of course. Hey! (To AUDIENCE.) I like the sound of

that, don’t you?END OF PLAY

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PRODUCTION NOTES

PROPERTIES ONSTAGEChair, books: “Cinderella,” “Rapunzel,” “The Three Little Pigs,” “Hansel and Gretel,” “Jack and the Beanstalk,” “The Princess and the Pea,” “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs,” “Little Red Riding Hood,” and “Goldilocks and the Three Bears.”

PROPERTIES BROUGHT ONScene One:

Rubber gloves, rag, scrub brush, bucket with a monogrammed “C” (CINDERELLA)

Scene Three:Bundle of straw, handkerchief (FIRST PIG)Inhaler (WOLF)Bundle of sticks (SECOND PIG)

Scene Four:Spear (HANSEL)Small purse (GRETEL)

Scene Seven:Planner, cell phone, business card (LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD)

Scene Eight:Broom (SNOW WHITE)

Scene Nine:Packets of papers (PIGS)

SOUND EFFECTSDoor knocking, cell phone ring.

COSTUME SUGGESTIONSThe costume suggestions in the script offer a playful, contemporary twist on the fairy tales. Of course, if this is not the director’s vision, more traditional costuming can be incorporated instead.

The animal costumes can be very simple and representative. PIGS should have pig noses and tails and wear plain clothing in pink or gray. WOLF wears gray clothing and perhaps something that would make him look like an English actor, such as an ascot or a fedora. Furry hands and drawn on whiskers with a black nose would also be helpful. BABY BEAR has brown bear ears and wears brown clothing.

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STORYTELLER ROLEA great deal of the success of this play depends on the performance of the storyteller. She will need to act determined, but not too irritated. It might be tempting for her to sound upset or disillusioned by the second or third scene with all the interruptions, but it’s important that she resist this, or she will burn out as a character. The storyteller is like the exceptionally kind substitute teacher who has good intentions but whose patience is definitely being tested.

Though the storyteller’s role is quite large, the book props can have her lines in them as prompts. This does not mean, however, that the actor playing the storyteller does not need to learn or rehearse her lines. Intonation, expression, and eye contact would all be severely hampered if the lines were simply read. Any lines hidden in the books should only be used as prompts.

FLEXIBLE CASTINGPIGS, DWARFS, and BABY BEAR can be played as either male or female.

For a smaller cast, DWARFS can double with other roles. When SNOW WHITE enters at the end of Scene Nine, the DWARFS do not have to accompany her if doubling is used.

Scenes can be cut to accommodate a smaller cast or for a shorter running time.

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