Five minutes on mondays

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PRAISE FOR FIVE MINUTES ON MONDAYS

“Five Minutes on Mondays” is a gold mine of enrichment for both the souland the new bottom line. It is an easy read with a deep and profoundimpact. Start your work week by reading a chapter every Monday, andyou’ll stay fulfilled all the way to Friday.”

—Martin Rutte, Chair of the Board, The Centre for Spiritualityand the Workplace, Saint Mary’s University, and co-author of the

New York Times business best-seller, Chicken Soup for the Soul at Work

“Five Minutes on Mondays is one of those breakthrough books that onecan’t help giving to every corporate nay-sayer you know. Full of uncom-mon wisdom that we sometimes miss in everyday life, it’s a beautifullywritten near-manifesto about making work life a lot more fruitful.”

—Charles Decker, publishing consultant and author of Lessons from the Hive: The Buzz on Surviving and

Thriving in an Ever-Changing Workplace

“I began to read this book at the end of a stressful day. About 30 pagesin I realized that the stress had faded and in its place was a quiet peacefulness. I found this remarkable. I believe you will, too. Highly recommended.”

—Stewart Emery, best-selling co-author of Success Built to Lastand Do You Matter?

“Lurie’s wise and wonderful book should grace every karmic capitalist’sbookshelf. His clever and deep thoughts underline the fact that devotionisn’t purely limited to the spiritual world, nor is the idea of being successfulpurely a concept for those working in skyscrapers. Alan reminds us thatfinding a sense of meaning and purpose in what we do may align us withunimagined success and a profound awakening to who we are.”

—Chip Conley, CEO, Joie de Vivre Hotels

“Most collections of business aphorisms instruct us on ‘what to do’ to besuccessful. Alan Lurie operates on a different level and is suggesting‘who to be’ to be successful. In this book, Alan is pointing to a way of‘Being’ that honors the human spirit. Read Alan’s suggestions to elevateyour spirit—then bring that spirit to your work. The promise is: both youand your client will be more fulfilled, more satisfied, and more engaged inyour business relationship.”

—John King, Senior Partner, CultureSync, and co-author of Tribal Leadership

From the Library of Garrick Lee

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“Five Minutes on Mondays is a book of savvy and surprises. Lurie offersa tasting menu of wisdom, counsel, insight, psychology, and wonderfulstories. But be warned, these little servings will last on your palate farlonger than the five minutes it takes to consume them.”

—Peter Pitzele, Ph.D., author of Our Fathers’ Wells: A PersonalEncounter with the Myths of Genesis and Scripture Windows:

Toward a Practice of Bibliodrama

“Lurie’s Five Minutes on Mondays is a gem—a must-read for anyonewho works at their faith and who believes in their work. Business pro-fessionals of all kinds and from all religious traditions will find Lurie’s lighttouch and real-world applications of his own Jewish tradition humorousand helpful as they strive to succeed without selling their soul.”

—David W. Miller, Ph.D., Director, Princeton University Faith &Work Initiative, and President, The Avodah Institute.

“Rarely can you take ‘Five Minutes’ and feel so renewed, replenished,and revitalized to return to your job and life with such a smile on yourface and spring in your step. That is exactly what Five Minutes onMondays promises and delivers.

—Mark Goulston, author Get Out of Your Own Way at Work


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FIVE MINUTESON MONDAYS


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FIVE MINUTESON MONDAYS

FINDING UNEXPECTED PURPOSE, PEACE,AND FULFILLMENT AT WORK

A L A N LU R I E


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Vice President, Publisher: Tim MooreAssociate Publisher and Director of Marketing: Amy NeidlingerEditorial Assistant: Pamela BolandDevelopment Editor: Russ HallOperations Manager: Gina KanouseDigital Marketing Manager: Julie PhiferPublicity Manager: Laura CzajaAssistant Marketing Manager: Megan ColvinCover Designer: Chuti PrasertsithManaging Editor: Kristy HartProject Editor: Chelsey MartiCopy Editor: Water Crest Publishing, Inc.Proofreader: Language Logistics, LLC; Williams Woods Publishing, LLCIndexer: Erika MillenCompositor: Bronkella Publishing, LLCManufacturing Buyer: Dan Uhrig

” 2009 by Pearson Education, Inc.Publishing as FT PressUpper Saddle River, New Jersey 07458

FT Press offers excellent discounts on this book when ordered in quantity for bulkpurchases or special sales. For more information, please contact U.S. Corporate andGovernment Sales, 1-800-382-3419, [email protected]. For salesoutside the U.S., please contact International Sales at [email protected].

Company and product names mentioned herein are the trademarks or registeredtrademarks of their respective owners.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, in any form or by anymeans, without permission in writing from the publisher.

Printed in the United States of America

First Printing March 2009

ISBN-10: 0-13-700778-7ISBN-13: 978-0-13-700778-3

Pearson Education LTD.Pearson Education Australia PTY, Limited.Pearson Education Singapore, Pte. Ltd.Pearson Education North Asia, Ltd.Pearson Education Canada, Ltd.Pearson Educación de Mexico, S.A. de C.V. Pearson Education—JapanPearson Education Malaysia, Pte. Ltd.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Lurie, Alan J., 1958-Five minutes on Mondays : finding unexpected purpose, peace, and fulfillment at

work / Alan Lurie.p. cm.

ISBN 0-13-700778-7 (hardback : alk. paper) 1. Work ethic. 2. Work--Psychological aspects. 3. Chance. 4. Self-actualization (Psychology) 5. Peace ofmind--Religious aspects. I. Title. II. Title: Inner peace and self- fulfillment at work.

HD4905.L87 2009650.1--dc22

2008036457


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TO THOSE WHO DREAM OF, WORK FOR, AND

STRUGGLE WITH, THE PROMISE OF HEAVEN ON

EARTH.


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CONTENTS

Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .xv

Donkey for Sale: Ethical Wealth . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1

Justice on the Train: Offering Criticism . . . . . . . . . . . 9

Try Them, Try Them: Developing Persistence . . . . . 17

Door Openers: Spiritual Leadership . . . . . . . . . . . . . 25

Who Needs You?: Working Together . . . . . . . . . . . . 33

Listen Up: Effective Listening . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 41

I Don’t Know: Respectful Conversation . . . . . . . . . . 49

In the Beginning: Keeping Resolutions . . . . . . . . . . 59

Prelude to Disaster: Building Confidence . . . . . . . . 65

Eureka!: Using Intuition. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 73

Something Creative: Accessing Creativity . . . . . . . . 81

Do You Mean It?: Discovering Meaning . . . . . . . . . . 91

You’re Finished!: Embracing Change. . . . . . . . . . . . 99

Alone on the Sofa: Finding Truth . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 107

The Superior Object: Resolving Conflicts of Interest . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 115

Hey, You Screwed Up Again!: Transforming Mistakes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 121

Making Stuff Up: Reacting Objectively . . . . . . . . . 129

Waiting for Nobel: Overcoming Feelings ofInadequacy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 137

Self, Actually: Being Authentic . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 145

Return That Call: Enlightened Self-Interest . . . . . . 153

So, a Horse Walks into a Bar…: Taking Time for Laughter . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 161

What If?: Facing Fear . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 169

The Aim of Existence: Cultivating Happiness . . . . 177


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The No Negativity Event: Living with Optimism . . 185

A Thankfully Short Message: Living with Gratitude . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 195

The Power of Three: Living with Balance. . . . . . . . 201

Take a Breath: Directed Meditation . . . . . . . . . . . . 209

Go Forth: Starting on the Spiritual Journey. . . . . . . 217

The Lonely Man: Balancing Faith and Ambition . . 223

What’s in Your Pocket: Integrating Opposites . . . . 233

Bad Banker: Living in Abundance . . . . . . . . . . . . . 243

Index . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 251

Five Minutes on Mondays

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ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Theologians define grace as: The free and unmerited favor or beneficence of

God.Grace is experienced when we receive an unex-

pected gift that was given to us simply because thegiver desires to give. For me, this book has truly beena gift of grace, steered by many extraordinary peoplewho graciously gave their time, attention, support,and guidance. I am very grateful to many such people.

First, I thank my wife, Shirona, who has beengiven many great gifts: a magnificent voice, artistictalent, spiritual intuition, and the drive to manifestbeauty. She has taken the Biblical injunction that awife should be a “helper who challenges him [herhusband]” to heart, and much of the content in thisbook is a result of her insights, as well as her chal-lenge that I speak and write with authenticity andhumility.

Second, I owe much to my children, Will andDavid, who awakened the father in me, and whocontinually keep me grounded. I also thank my par-ents, Arnold and Flora, who have always maintainedtheir love and support as they watched me struggleto find my way.


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I thank my teacher and guide, Rabbi JosephGelberman. His life is a model of a commitment tokindness and wisdom, and he is an inspiration tocountless students, congregants, and the fortunatestranger who wanders his way. May he live to 120 ingood health!

This book would not ever have come into exis-tence without the vision of my friend and mentorDavid Arena, President of Grubb & Ellis, whoshows that the principles in this book are not theo-retical. He walks the talk of the spiritual business-man. I also thank the New York staff of Grubb &Ellis, who took valuable time from their busy day tolisten to my words. I hope that, in some way, theirinvestment paid off.

My thanks to Martin Rutte, who took me underhis wing, and graciously opened a door that I did notknow existed.

I am grateful to my friends, colleagues, teachers,students, and clients, who are often the charactersand inspiration for the stories, experiences, and les-sons captured in this book.

Finally, I thank my publishers, Stewart Emeryand Tim Moore, who saw in me a kindred spirit, andin this book something worth communicating to alarger audience.


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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Alan Lurie has a unique background. He is cur-rently a Managing Director at Grubb & Ellis, anational real estate service firm, following a 25-yearcareer as a licensed architect. He is also a non-denominational ordained Rabbi, teaching, leadingprayer services, and writing on issues of faith andreligion. This combination of meeting the demandsof the business world while attending to the needs ofthe spirit gives Alan both insight into, and access to,a diverse community. His wife, Shirona, is a JewishCantor, singer, and accomplished songwriter. Theylive in Rye, New York.


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As we look back on the arc of our lives, we oftendiscover that the most significant, meaningfulchanges came from unexpected, seemingly unre-markable, or even un-welcomed sources. While wewere busy planning the direction in which wethought our lives should go, something unplannedentered to steer us onto a new path that led to adestination that we could not possibly have imag-ined. Something that at first seemed to be a distrac-tion, nuisance, or, perhaps, an outright disaster was,in retrospect, the best thing that could have hap-pened. It shook us out of our routine, allowed fornew possibilities to enter, and presented the oppor-tunity to rise above our previous sense of howthings should be, what we are capable of doing, andwho we are. We now realize that without theseuninvited events, we would have gone along on ourregular, tired path, and none of these changes wouldhave happened.

These events are gifts of grace, and whether werecognize them and decide to listen to their call or toreject these gifts, we are all helped along and re-directed in this way. The creation of this book trav-eled just such a path, and came about through aseries of events and encounters with extraordinarypeople that I could not possibly have conceived of,

INTRODUCTION


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and to whom I am very grateful. The unlikely ingre-dients in the recipe of events from which this bookemerged include a commuter train, a swelteringAugust day in New York City, a sweaty businesscard, recurring random encounters, and a spilledbeer. Through these events I met David Arena,President of Grubb & Ellis—a national commercialreal estate firm.

Buddhism teaches that we should embrace awk-wardness; that this feeling is a signal that we are onthe right path toward growth. By embracing awk-wardness, we begin to drop the ego’s desire to proj-ect an image that defends us from experiencing ourtrue, tender selves. We might think that others areimpressed when we appear sophisticated, profes-sional, witty, cool, or clever, but this teachingreminds us that we are most impressive when weare authentic. The events surrounding this bookhave helped to teach me the truth of this ancientwisdom.

David and I first met on a hot and humid day inAugust on the Metro-North commuter train, whichtravels from Grand Central Station to Connecticut.I had just run 20 blocks to catch the 6:15 train andslipped in as the doors were closing. Sitting acrossfrom me was a man whose face I recognized from arecent cover of Crain’s Business Journal.

That’s David Arena! I should introduce myself, Ithought, but look at me. I’m drenched…. Hey, what’sthe worst that can happen?


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So, I leaned over to introduce myself. Withsweat dripping from my forehead, I reached in to mypocket and pulled out a soggy, limp business card,which he politely accepted, then returned to readinghis newspaper.

That certainly went well, Lurie, I thought, assum-ing I had just blown a promising business opportunity.

Several months later, we ran into each otheragain. This was on a Friday afternoon, as I was sit-ting on the train studying a Hebrew text and drink-ing a beer (two things that I like to do as I head homefor the weekend). I looked up to see David sit downnext to me. He glanced at my book and, apparentlynot remembering that we had met, said,

“Excuse me. Is that Hebrew?”“Yes. It’s actually a section from the Bible.”“Really? Are you a religious man?” he asked.“As a matter of fact, I’m an ordained Rabbi,” I

answered, “but I also work in commercial realestate. We actually met briefly on this train last sum-mer, and I gave you my card.”

We struck up a conversation, and discovered ashared interest in religion and theology (a conversa-tion that he later described as “being kinda’ outthere”). As I got up to leave, I bent over to shake hishand and accidentally spilled beer on his sleeve andinto his briefcase.

“Now I’ve been baptized by a Rabbi,” helaughed.

Introduction

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I walked off the train, wondering how I couldhave been so clumsy, and why I seemed to keepspilling things on this man.

The third time I saw David was in a midtownoffice reception area. I had taken the day off to dosome work around the house but came by this officeto drop off a package. Unshaved, uncombed, anddressed in worn jeans and a tee shirt, I turned to seeDavid walk in.

This makes sense, I thought. God forbid I shouldrun into him looking professional!

“Good to see you again, Rabbi,” he said, pattingme on the back. “Let’s meet for breakfast soon.Here’s my card. Please call me.”

“Why do you think I keep meeting this manunder such awkward circumstances?” I later askedmy wife, Shirona. “The first time we met, I lookedlike I had just run a marathon in a business suit. Thesecond time, I spilled beer all over him, and the thirdtime, I could have been mistaken for the deliveryman.”

“Don’t worry,” she said, “At least he’s going toremember you! I think there’s more to this than justrandom encounters, though.”

After this, David and I continued to run intoeach other on numerous occasions—on the street,in offices, at industry events, and on the train, andwe soon became friends. Then, unexpectedly, heasked me to join his team at Grubb & Ellis. (Now,


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after two years of working together, I have only seenhim on the train twice.)

“I’ve got to tell you, it’s not often that a strangeron a train hands me a sweaty business card, dis-cusses mystical ideas about the nature of the cos-mos, and then pours beer in my briefcase. You defi-nitely made a unique impression,” he said, thenadded, “I believe that this will be a good place foryou, Alan. With us, you’ll have the opportunity todo good work, both in your profession as a busi-nessman and your passion as a Rabbi. Look, I havean idea. Our entire group meets every Mondaymorning at 8:00 AM, and I’d like you to begin thesemeetings by delivering a short message. Somethingabout business and ethics. Something inspirationaland informative.”

This was certainly a novel idea. A Rabbi/busi-nessman delivering a sermon to a New York Cityreal estate meeting! David had never heard me speakin public, and didn’t ask to review what I was goingto say, yet he somehow had the faith that this wouldwork. Initially, I was not so confident.

And so, on one Monday morning in January2007, I awkwardly stood in front of 100 or so hard-nosed New York real estate professionals to delivermy first message. I had searched for something totalk about that I hoped would be interesting, useful,inspiring, and entertaining to a business communitywhose reputation is not exactly toward things spiri-tual. This first message was titled “Donkey for Sale.”

Introduction

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(Well, you’ll have to read it to get the reference!) Init, I said, “There are many who immediately linkbusiness and money to dishonesty, greed, and sin. Isthis just the way it is, though?” I asked. “Is there away to experience success in business, to be com-fortable, even wealthy, and to live a life committedto honesty and to the “golden rule” of treating oth-ers with respect and love?”

I explained that, “In Hebrew, the word for workis avodah, which also, surprisingly, means prayer.This teaches us that there is a direct connectionbetween the physical world of work and the non-physical world of the spirit. Both are seen as instru-ments of personal and social change which, whenoperated in harmony, reinforce each other. Just aswe pray for the blessings of spiritual sustenance, wework for the blessings of physical sustenance. Theconnection of these words creates an understandingthat work must be approached with the same rever-ence that we give to prayer (and, conversely, thatprayer requires work, commitment, dedication, andregular practice). In this model, success at work is ablessing that eases our lives and supports and enrich-es those around us. This model states that, just asthe world, if treated with respect, is filled with end-less abundance, when work is approached with rev-erence there is more than enough for all. Spiritualbusiness is based on the premise that, contrary tothe common paradigm, one person’s gain need not


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be another’s loss; that success and abundance forone does not create scarcity for others.”

After this, I delivered messages almost everyweek. In addition to reading the messages to theGrubb & Ellis team, I also wrote them down to e-mail to the staff, as well as to colleagues, clients, andfriends This book captures a selection of theseweekly messages delivered over the course of oneyear, along with a few additional complimentaryessays and speeches given in other venues duringthat time.

The messages focus on many of the commonissues that most of us struggle with: How can Imore effectively understand others and be under-stood? How can I prosper financially while main-taining my integrity? When should I say what’s onmy mind, and when should I let it go? How can Ikeep going and maintain optimism in the face ofchallenges and setbacks? Is it possible to balance allthe demands on my time and energy? Where can Ifind a sense of meaning and purpose? None of thesequestions is new, and a vast body of philosophy, psy-chology, sociology, and theology has providedinsightful and useful answers. These messages drawon a wide variety of these sources, but from severaluncommon perspectives.

First, the primary intent of these messages is toshow that the highest teachings from all these tradi-tions ultimately point toward the same direction,

Introduction

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which is, simply stated, the path to becoming betterhuman beings; more caring about others, more intel-lectually engaged, more connected to our bodies,and more fully awake to the flow of our lives. Theprinciples and practices that these traditions teachfoster positive growth in all these aspects of ourlives, leading to success and satisfaction at work;meaningful relationships with our friends, family, andcommunity; good physical health; a clearer vision ofour truest selves; and a deeper soul connection tothe Divine. Although we may tend to view these asseparate endeavors, the greatest teachings from allsignificant traditions tell us that this image of sepa-rateness is a harmful illusion, and that we function atour fullest, healthiest, and highest potential when allthese aspects operate in unity.

The second uncommon perspective is embed-ded in the context of these messages: They wereprepared for the business community, and usuallystem from observations or events that happened atwork. These messages propose that the daily activi-ties at work create a perfect “spiritual gymnasium,”where we are faced with very real dilemmas andinteractions that require a very real response.Theology and philosophy may propose beautifulideals, and we may think that spirituality is foundonly in prayer, religious text study, or on the medita-tion pillow, but the rubber hits the road when we arefaced with implementing these ideals in the complex


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world of work. If we are committed to true, mean-ingful growth, then, work is a deeply spiritual envi-ronment where, through our actions, we can imple-ment our obligations to others, build our confidenceand sense of purpose, practice our commitment tothe truth, strengthen our inherent optimism, experi-ence gratitude, and live with a greater sense of balance. So, do you still think that your job is notspiritual?

The third uncommon perspective is mentionedat the beginning of this Introduction and alluded tothroughout the following messages: uncertainty as agateway to growth. We live in times of uncertaintyand enormous, rapid change. This uncertainty maybe frightening. It may be intimidating. It is definitelyunsettling. We may wish that things could stay put,and may feel a desire for solid, familiar ground. But,the messages in this book propose that we viewuncertainty in a different way. Uncertainty can, infact, be a great gift, because it can cause us to re-think our established, fixed way of seeing things, andhelp the transformation from stagnation to move-ment; from limitation to expansion. This processleads to change and growth, which is the basis of alllife. Without change and growth, our mind, body,emotions, and spirit begin to atrophy, solidify, anddecay. As Benjamin Franklin succinctly wrote:

When you’re finished changing, you’re finished.

Introduction

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Uncertainty and change expose the hiddendefenses that we’ve created to protect us fromrevealing our insecurities, and once exposed, thesedefenses begin to weaken. Then, if we are willing,we can walk through a new door that opens to theuntold, unimaginable potential that is our birthrightas human beings.

In the following messages, I have tried to touchon these three perspectives:

1. Find unity.2. Practice spiritual growth through work.3. Embrace uncertainty.

These can be very difficult to implement. I knowbecause I struggle with them daily. I hope, though,that this struggle has resulted in some insights thatare elevating, useful, and enjoyable.

Wishing you well,Alan LurieJune 2008


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There are many well-known and funny oxy-morons—phrases that are internally self-contradic-tory—such as the following:

• Civil war• Forward retreat • Fresh frozen• Jumbo shrimp• Light heavyweight• Negative growth

How about an honest businessperson? Or awealthy spiritual person? To many, these are clearlycontradictory. This is because we might have beentold that to succeed in business, we have to bend therules, engage in dishonest activities, and play dirty.We may also believe that religion and spirituality dis-dain monetary wealth, or that a person dedicated to

DONKEY FOR SALE

ETHICAL WEALTH


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spiritual pursuits cannot succeed in the brutal busi-ness arena. Such a person, we may think, will getstuck on the rungs of the ladder to success at thefirst inevitable call to dishonesty. We may hear sucha person say, “My commitment to honesty shut meout of the executive suite,”or “I could have made a lotof money, but I wasn’t will-ing to sell my soul!”

There certainly aremany who immediatelylink business and money todishonesty, greed, and sin.Is this just the way it is,though? Is there a way to experience success inbusiness, to be comfortable, even wealthy, and tolive a life committed to honesty and to the “goldenrule” of treating others with respect and love? Thereare two wonderful Yiddish sayings that addressthese questions in the typical Yiddish manner—headon, with irony and humor.

One:

It’s not that having money is so good: It’s thatnot having money is so bad.

The other:

I have been rich, and I have been poor—and Ican tell you it is better to be rich and happythan poor and miserable.


2

We might have beentold that to succeedin business, we haveto bend the rules,engage in dishonestactivities, and playdirty.


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And then, of course, there is Tevya, the poordairyman in Fiddler on the Roof, who complains tothe heavens:

I know there is no shame in being poor, but it’sno great honor either.

These are funny because they are so obvious.Of course it’s good to have money, to be comfort-able, or, at least, to not be poor. But these sayingsalso allude to a deeper truth. Although the path tobusiness success for some may be littered withcheating, lying, gossiping, and plain old corruption,we all must know that those who achieve successthrough this route are not, in the long run, honorableor happy; not truly “honorable” or “happy” in thedeepest sense of the words—as someone who liveswith a meaningful purpose, in meaningful connec-tion to others, and to the finest that is within. Thatis because no matter how deeply one buries one’sconscience, the voice of morality, which is intrinsi-cally embedded in all of us, will be heard.

There is an illuminating argument written in theTalmud—the Jewish record of ethical and legal dis-cussions—that emphasizes this point. In this debate,the Rabbis wonder, “What is the first question thatone is asked when standing in front of the heavenlycourt?” In other words, what’s the most importantquestion that determines how well you lived yourlife? Behind the scenes, the Rabbis argue; one saysthat the first question must be, “Did you pray every

Donkey for Sale

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day?” Another asserts that it is, “Did you study?”And another, “Did you give money to charity?”Finally, one suggests, “Did you conduct your busi-ness affairs honestly?” Immediately all agree that thisis the correct first question. The Rabbis recognizethat, although the other activities are absolutelyessential, business success is such a powerful goalthat one can be easily tempted to do “whatever ittakes” to succeed. The person who can resist thesetemptations and conduct business in an honest fash-ion, though, has truly lived according to the higheststandard. This person will naturally, and effectively,study, pray, and give money and time to charity.Conversely, if one is dishonest in business, thenprayer is insincere, study is ineffective, and charity istainted.

How, then, can one become rich, happy, andachieve business success, while staying on the routeof a higher path—an ethical, moral path? There aremany religious and spiritual laws and guidelines sur-rounding business. In the Bible we are called to givea portion of our earnings to those who are less for-tunate; we are told to pay workers promptly; to bediligent in ensuring that we charge the right amountto buyers; to help those out of work to find employ-ment; to share information that is valuable to others;to candidly reveal any defects in our products andservices; to remove obstacles from the path ofother’s success; to be honest and fair. According to


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the Bible, those who act accordingly will prosper.There might be a misconception that religions spurnwealth, but in general this is not true. Religious tra-ditions spurn ingratitude, hording, and cheating, withthe recognition that gratitude, generosity, and hon-esty always lead to the good for all.

In Hebrew, the word for work is avodah, whichalso, surprisingly, means prayer. This teaches us thatthere is a direct connection between the physicalworld of work and the nonphysical world of the spir-it. Both are seen as instruments of personal andsocial change which, when operated in harmony,reinforce each other. Just as we pray for the bless-ings of spiritual sustenance, we work for the bless-ings of physical sustenance. The connection of thesewords creates an understanding that work must beapproached with the same reverence that we give toprayer (and, conversely, that prayer requires work,commitment, dedication, and regular practice). Inthis model, success at work is a blessing that easesour lives and supports and enriches those around us.This model states that, just as the world, if treatedwith respect, is filled with endless abundance, whenwork is approached with reverence there is morethan enough for all. Spiritual business is based on thepremise that, contrary to the common paradigm,one person’s gain need not be another’s loss; thatsuccess and abundance for one does not createscarcity for others.

Donkey for Sale

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A story is told of Safra, a poor, pious shopkeep-er, who was trying to sell his donkey. One morning,as Safra was praying, a man in desperate need of adonkey approached him and offered him a price forthe donkey. Because Safra was in the middle of hisprayers, he could not answer. When the man sawthat Safra did not respond, he assumed that his pricewas too low and doubled it. Again Safra did notanswer, so the man tripled his price. Finally, Safrafinished his prayer and said to the man,

“Your first offer was the amount that I hadhoped for, and I will not use the fact that I was pray-ing as an opportunity to get more than my askingprice. I accept your first offer.”

Safra received the price he needed, and the manwas not exploited. A successful, ethical transaction.I like to imagine that the story continues. In myimagining, the buyer, who is clearly wealthy, recog-nizes in Safra a man who deals fairly. He continuesto shop with Safra in the future and even directs hisbusiness associates to shop there. Soon, Safra’s shopis teeming with business, the man who bought thedonkey prospers, and the two men develop a friend-ship of trust and respect.

Safra’s example sets a standard that is difficult toachieve. How many of us would have the determi-nation to so readily turn down such an unexpected,though unearned, windfall? But this is exactly the


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opportunity for spiritual growth that business pres-ents to us because when business is approachedwith the same spirit as prayer—with positive inten-tion, honesty, and humility—a deeper and lastingsuccess will naturally emerge.

I owe much of the insight on this subject to The Kabbalah ofMoney, by Nilton Bonder.

Donkey for Sale

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There are many places that are consciouslydesigned to teach us spiritual lessons: churches, syn-agogues, mosques, ashrams, meditation centers,nature retreats, and so on. These places are usuallyquiet oases away from our noisy lives, where we canfocus on personal growth and nurture our relation-ship with a higher purpose. Much of our greatestarchitecture is devoted to these structures, whichusually rely on the powerful combination of symbol-ic spaces and choreographed ritual to facilitate aspiritual connection. At one time or another, themajority of Americans attend one of these places.

I’d like to suggest an addition to the list. Thisplace does not have a grand edifice, but it sharesmany of the required attributes of a great spiritualcenter. It brings together a regular group of people incommon purpose. It has ritual that is silently under-stood by most of its participants. For those who are

JUSTICE ON THE TRAIN

OFFERING CRITICISM


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so inclined, it offers the opportunity for quiet medi-tation, study, meaningful dialogue with a friend, or achance to meet someone new. On occasion, it pro-vides a stage for high drama, where human passionsare exposed and often resolved. So I’d like to suggestthat we add this to our list of great spiritual places:the Metro-North New Haven commuter train.

I take this train in and out of Manhattan everyweekday and have discovered that this train is a spir-itual laboratory where unexpected lessons can belearned on any given day. Here, in a worn-out, nar-row, long, low box, people are crowded together,forced to sit or stand close to strangers who are lit-erally moving toward a common destination. Thisenvironment creates interactions that, normally eas-ily avoided or dismissed, must be confronted direct-ly. Moral, ethical, and spiritual dilemmas naturallyarise, such as:

Will the standing man wake the sleeping youngwoman and ask that she take her bag off theadjacent seat so he can sit down? If so, will hespeak to her? Will she smile at him or justgrunt and go back to sleep? Should he leaveher alone and accept that he must remainstanding?

Will the man who is positioning himself direct-ly in front of the opening doors move to theside to allow others to enter and leave, or will he push forward to grab one of the fewremaining seats? Should someone say some-


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remaining seats? Should someone say some-thing? Isn’t he as entitled to a seat as anyoneelse?

Will anyone ask the aspiring young business-man to please wait until after he has left thetrain to make his cell-phoned sales pitch—orat least to speak in a lower voice? Is he awarethat he is disturbing others? Does he care?Should he? Who sets these rules anyway?

Should I talk to the man across the aisle wholooks strangely familiar? Should I offer my seatto that elderly man standing by the door?Should I say something to the woman sittingnext to me, who seems to be struggling with apainful personal issue? Can I help? Is any ofthis my business?

These little dramas happen daily, and I oftenspend my time on the train pondering these things.Recently, I witnessed an incident that dramaticallyillustrates an important spiritual concept. The trainwas docked in Grand Central Station, and I enteredearly—fifteen minutes before the scheduled depar-ture time. There were very few people on the train,and I took a seat across the aisle from a young man.He had put one of his feet on the seat directly infront of him and was comfortably reading a newspa-per. A middle-aged man, dressed in a crisp suit andtie, entered the train. He scanned the car and sud-denly saw the man with his leg on the seat. Hequickly walked over to the young man, stopped, andstood over him with his hands on his hips.

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“Do you behave like this at home?” the middle-aged man asked. “Is this how you sit at home, withyour feet on the furniture?”

The seated man slowly looked up from hisnewspaper, then quietly and sarcastically muttered,“Yes, sometimes I do,” and returned to his reading.

The older man’s face reddened. He pushed theyoung man’s newspaper aside and said in a loudervoice, “I’m talking to you.”

“Get your hands off my paper,” the other hissed.“What’s your problem?”

“Get your damned foot off the seat!” the stand-ing man shouted. “Do you think that you are theonly person on this train? How is someone supposedto sit there after your filthy feet have been on it?”

“Why don’t you mind your own business and gosit somewhere else?” the young man replied, hisvoice cracking. “There’s a train full of empty seats!”

“This is my business. You are a rude, inconsider-ate man, and I’ll sit wherever I damn-well feel!” themiddle-aged man retorted, then abruptly sat downright next to the younger man, who shook his headin disbelief.

“You gotta’ be kidding me!” the young manlaughed.

“We’ll see who is laughing,” the older mansmirked. “How would you like it if I put my foot onyour chair?” Then he turned and put his feet on theyounger man’s lap, inadvertently kicking his knee.


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“You f-cking kicked me!!!” the younger manscreamed. “What are you, some kinda’ nut?” Thenhe shot up from his seat, hurried past the now-smiling older man, and muttered, “I’ll just go sit elsewhere.”

“Ah, another one bites the dust,” the middle-aged man crowed, as he relaxed in his seat, tri-umphant in his victory over the forces of rudeness.

Here, on the train, was a morality drama wor-thy of Broadway. Actually, it was better than aBroadway play because it was real, and it carried aprofound message. This was a three-minute actstarring real people engaged in real struggle. Theyounger man had broken the rules of the train, andthe older man was determined to right this heinouswrong. On the surface, it seemed to be no morethan this. But the subtleties of the drama displayedan essential truth about the nature of personal criti-cism. Certainly the older man was right; peopleshould not put their feet on the seats. By his actions,the offense was removed, the seat was made avail-able for others, and the rules were enforced. Justiceseemed to have been served. But was this an effec-tive tactic? Certainly the younger man did not leavefeeling that he had learned a new rule of etiquette.We can easily imagine that he will put his feet on theseat again, perhaps simply to spite the older man(“No one can tell me where to put my feet!”). Wecan also easily recognize that the older man did not


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speak to the younger man with helpful intention. Hetook great pleasure in his victory and seemed tohave especially enjoyed shaming the younger man.

Of course, there are situations in which weshould speak out; when we see that someone’sactions are causing harm to himself or to others, orwhen we hear false statements that could lead tomisunderstandings and negative outcomes. At thosetimes we are obligated to do or say something.Unlike the older man on the train, though, how canwe communicate this effectively? In The Book ofLeviticus is an interesting quote about the nature ofcriticism that sheds some light on this question:

You will rebuke your fellow, but do not bear sinbecause of him.

This is an often-misunderstood quote. Itrequires that we correct someone who has donesomething wrong but then links this rebuke to bear-ing sin. Often this sin is seen as the failure to rebukethe wrong-doer, but this is an incorrect reading. Wehave to look at the words immediately preceding andfollowing this quote to get a fuller picture. Here wefind first the impassioned plea:

Do not hate your brother in your heart.

Then afterward comes the most essential state-ment in the entire Bible:

Love your neighbor as yourself.


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The proximity of these statements teaches usthat when we approach another to offer criticism,we must be sure that we do so without malice, andwith the positive intent to help, as we too would liketo be treated. As demonstrated by the drama on thetrain, an unexamined, unrestrained eagerness tocriticize others can lead to unnecessary hurt, shame,and embarrassment. And in its most extreme form,we might even take pleasure in rebuking another,perhaps to satisfy an unconscious need to feelsecure by dominating or controlling others, or toredress our own unexplored experience of shame. Ifwe carry this attitude, our criticism will actuallybackfire, and the sin we bear as a result of our fail-ure to treat the other with respect and compassionis our own diminished rela-tionship with others and aweakening of our connec-tion to the Source of ourhighest potential.

In his comprehensivevolume about ethics, YouShall Be Holy, JosephTelushkin lists six ques-tions that we must askourselves before criticizingothers:


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An unexamined, unre-strained eagerness tocriticize others canlead to unnecessaryhurt, shame, andembarrassment. Andin its most extremeform, we might eventake pleasure inrebuking another.


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1. Am I being fair, or am I exaggerating?2. Will my words hurt the other person’s feelings;

and if so, how can I express myself withoutinflicting too much pain?

3. How would I feel if someone criticized me thisway?

4. Am I enjoying the prospect of offering this criticism?

5. Is my criticism confined to a specific act ortrait?

6. Are my words nonthreatening and, at least inpart, reassuring?

This is a difficult and exacting list, and most ofus, at times, fall short of this high standard. This mayespecially be a challenge when we “know” that we’reright (my favorite excuse). We must be very diligentand aware, however, because when we act care-lessly in criticizing, we not only hurt others, but wedo, as the words of Leviticus tell us, actually damageourselves, our spiritual growth, and our sense ofwell-being. When we offer criticism, we should firstcheck our intentions and begin with a heart free ofhate, followed by a commitment to compassion. Ofcourse, you do not need to wait for a ride on thetrain to put this in practice….


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Last week, I walked past a coworker’s office. Hisdoor was open, and I quickly stepped in to say “hi.”As I turned to leave, though, I noticed an unusualbook on his credenza that immediately grabbed myattention. Most businesspeople have the typical ret-inue of business books in their offices—such familiartitles as Good to Great, Who Moved My Cheese,Freakonomics, and The Seven Habits of HighlyEffective People. I would not have been surprised tosee any of these titles in his office. This particularbook caught my eye because it seemed so out ofplace in the office of a hard-nosed New York Cityreal estate broker, but its orange/red cover wasimmediately recognizable. I knew this book intimate-ly because I read it several times a week to my chil-dren when they were little. I smiled at him as I lookedat the picture on the cover—a catlike creature stand-ing on two feet, bent over, staring incomprehensibly

TRY THEM, TRY THEM

DEVELOPING PERSISTENCE


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at a plate of odd-looking green food. Although I had-n’t opened this book in more than 15 years, I couldstill remember many of its familiar whimsical rhymingverses.

My coworker saw my reaction. “Green Eggs andHam is the best book you’ll ever read on marketing,”he said with a returned smile.

Theodor Seuss Geisel, better known as Dr.Seuss, wrote Green Eggs and Ham in 1960, and ithas been a staple of children’s bedtime reading eversince. The book is a whimsical tale of two charac-ters; one—named Sam-I-Am—is a small, energetic,enthusiastic, bright yellow creature (of some sort)with a red hat, who tries continually to convinceanother odd-looking creature—who is nevernamed—to try a plate of green eggs and ham. Thisunnamed character is a gloomy, pale creature with acrumpled black hat, who repeatedly states that hedoes not like this dish, and Sam-I-Am repeatedlytries to get him to give it a taste. At the end, theunnamed creature finally consents to try the dishand, surprisingly, loves it! The two then walk offhappily, arm-in-arm. That’s the whole story.

On its surface, Seuss’s story appears to be a sim-ple children’s story. As with all of Seuss’s books (aswith any enduring fable), below the charminglyquirky surface are resonant and sophisticated mes-sages. As my coworker saw, among the messages of


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Green Eggs and Ham is a lesson on one of the keyelements for success in any marketing and salesstrategy—persistence. Sam-I-Am refuses to give upand will not take “no” for an answer. In the end, hispersistence results in a “sale” and a new loyal cus-tomer. Sam-I-Am is, in fact, an expert salesman,who uses persistence skillfully. When one approachfails, he quickly and flexibly changes tactics. As hispotential client refuses to try green eggs and ham inone place, Sam-I-Am suggests that perhaps he willlike them if they are tried in different locations, withdifferent companions.

Sam-I-Am also embodies another key attributeof persistence. He faces rejection with a positiveattitude. Seuss draws him as always cheerful andoptimistic, even after the unnamed character flatlytells Sam-I-Am that he does not like him. Howmany of us could avoid taking such a remark per-sonally and find in ourselves the determination andoptimism to keep trying? In spite of this overt andcaustic remark, though, Sam-I-Am happily contin-ues to convince the other to try his product. Hedoes so because he knows that the rejection is notpersonal. Sam-I-Am manages to persist cheerfullybecause he keeps his ego out of the picture andfocuses instead on the message. Seuss’s name forthis character gives us a clue: Sam-I-Am. He knowsexactly who he is (am?) and is comfortable withhimself. He knows that the other’s rejection is not a

Try Them, Try Them

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reflection of anythingwrong with him as a per-son, but is simply an obsta-cle to be overcome.

There is yet anotheressential quality of persist-ence evident in Seuss’sstory. At the end of thebook, after the other creature finally tries green eggsand ham, Sam-I-Am looks on proudly. He has beenconfident in his product all along and always believedthat if the other simply tried it, he would like it. Sam-I-Am knows that green eggs and ham may sound abit odd, and that stodgy, stubborn, complacent crea-tures will immediately say “no,” but he also knowsthat green eggs and ham are delicious (though notkosher…). Sam-I-Am believes in his product andknows that what he is offering is of high quality. Atthe end of the book, the un-named character actu-ally thanks Sam-I-Am for convincing him to trysomething new. Like Sam-I-Am, in order to sustainour enthusiasm and to ethically continue to try toconvince others, it is crucial that we believe in whatwe are producing, saying, and selling. Blind persist-ence for a faulty product, service, or idea is not avirtue.

As we scratch deeper below the surface, we seethat Sam-I-Am is more than a salesman. He is a


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Sam-I-Am alsoembodies another keyattribute of persist-ence. He faces rejec-tion with a positiveattitude.


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spokesman for the power of persistence as a change-agent in our lives and in the lives of others. When weselect a worthy goal and persist in our commitmentto see it through, regardless of rejection and self-doubt, we can overcome almost any obstacle andlimitation. As we know, this is not easy. Along theway, setbacks may tempt us to lose confidence.Naysayers may convince us that we cannot achieveour vision. We may simply decide that we are tootired to continue. Dr. Seuss lightly and humorouslytells us that the force of optimism will always over-come that of pessimism, ifwe can only consistentlymuster the determinationto keep going.

So what lessons havewe learned so far aboutthe quality of persistencefrom Dr. Seuss?

• Don’t give up.• When one approach fails, try something new.• Stay optimistic.• Don’t take rejection personally.• Believe in what you are pursuing.

Dr. Seuss also teaches a more subtle, spirituallesson on the nature of persistence. At the beginning

Try Them, Try Them

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Sam-I-Am is morethan a salesman. Heis a spokesman forthe power of persist-ence as a change-agent in our lives andin the lives of others.


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of the book, we find the un-named creature sittingcomfortably in an armchair, reading a newspaper.Sam-I-Am bursts in on a fantastical vehicle, carryinga plate of the unusual dish, announcing change, risk,and the possibility of something new, shattering theother’s comfort zone. The un-named creatureresists, stating that he does not like this change, eventhough he has never even tried it. In this way, Dr.Seuss’s creatures are archetypes for the strugglebetween our inclination to settle for the status quoand our ambitions to create change; between ourcraving for energy and our attraction to lethargy;between a desire to try something adventurous andthe lure of playing it safe. The un-named creature,sitting safely in his chair, is called to try somethingnew; something that he may actually like; somethingthat will change the way he views the world. Yet hecontinually resists. His resistance, however, is notbased on facts or experience, but is a stubbornrefusal to respond to this call—a refusal to enter theunknown and accept the risk that comes withchanging his old habits.

In the end, the un-named creature finds himselfin the dark, on a runaway train, plummeting into theocean, submerged in open waters, surrounded bystrange onlookers, as Sam-I-Am asks yet again, “Tryit?” At the end of his rope, his resistance worn out,this stubborn creature finally agrees and, to his sur-prise and delight, instantly finds that the thing he has


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been so actively resisting—the thing that has takenhim completely out of his comfort zone—is actuallygood for him. Sam-I-Am is his persistent messengerfor change, who will not let him off the hook andwho continually reappears until the change isembraced.

At its deepest level, Dr. Seuss’s book is a storyabout the persistence of the call to growth andchange. If you have experienced this phenomenon,you know that, somehow, the same message con-tinues to reappear in your life—perhaps in differentguises, from different people and different situa-tions—and that this message will continue to pursueyou until you consent to listen and act. Then, likethe un-named creature, you suddenly discover thatthe thing you have been resisting is actually good,and you are then grateful that the unwelcome mes-senger, consistent in his message, had the persist-ence to not give up on you. This persistence soft-ened you, wore down your natural resistance, andmade you receptive to change. As a saying from ananonymous author teaches:

In the confrontation between the stream andthe rock, the stream always wins. Not throughstrength, but through persistence.

Now, perhaps you may think that this is an over-ly ambitious reading of a simple children’s book.Well, maybe so. But try it, try it!

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Nearly a decade ago, I was scanning the businesssection of a local bookstore, hoping to find a bookthat would help me be more effective in a new lead-ership position at my job. A particular title caughtmy eye: The Tao of Leadership: Lao Tzu’s Tao TeChing Adapted for a New Age, written in 1985 byJohn Heider. The inside book jacket noted:

The Tao of Leadership is an invaluable tool foranyone in a position of leadership. This bookprovides the most simple and clear advice onhow to be the very best kind of leader: be faith-ful, trust the process, pay attention, and inspireothers to become their own leaders.

Here was a book that took the teaching fromthe Tao Te Ching, the 2,500-year-old philosophicaltext that is central to Chinese religions, as a guide formodern business leadership. I smiled as I put thebook back on the shelf, thinking that this was just a

DOOR OPENERS

SPIRITUAL LEADERSHIP


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clever gimmick. I soon noticed another eye-catchingtitle, though: Jesus, CEO: Using Ancient Wisdom forVisionary Leadership, by Laurie Beth Jones. I quick-ly checked to make sure that I had not accidentallywalked into the Religion section of the bookstore(my usual stomping ground). Clearly, there was atrend at work here—melding spiritual practice withbusiness leadership. Since then, this trend seems tohave accelerated. If you search Google for booktitles with the keyword leadership, you will findamong the thousands of results such titles asSpiritual Leadership, Spiritual Discipleship,Courageous Leadership, Spirituality and Ethics atWork, The Cost of Moral Leadership, and The GoodBook on Leadership. Now, in fact, it is getting diffi-cult to tell where the Spirituality/Religion sectionends and the Business section begins.

What’s going on here? It appears that leadingthinkers and teachers in the field of business man-agement are looking toward spiritual and religioustraditions as a source for guiding modern businessleaders. For those of us who have been in the work-place for many years, this is an unexpected trend.The traditional model of leadership that many of ushave learned and experienced seems very distantfrom the arena of spirituality. In the past, leaderswere often either born into the position through thebenefits of high class and lineage or rose through theranks based on self-publicized accomplishments,


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personal ambition, impressing the boss, and out-maneuvering the competition. Often, however,these leaders were blatantly amoral, following theMachiavellian belief that the ends justify the means,and their subordinates simply accepted that this kindof tough-minded management style was part of aleader’s necessary make-up. In the past, leadersoften surrounded themselves with religious figures,relying on the power of organized religion to bothsupport and justify theirposition. But these leaderswere typically not expect-ed to embody spiritualideals themselves.

Now, the model hasdramatically changed, anda successful modern busi-ness leader is held to ahigher moral and ethical standard. Perhaps this isdue to the increasing mobility of our culture, a high-er-educated workforce, generally strong economy,and the culture change initiated by the BabyBoomers’ questioning of authority. Or maybe it’s aresult of the new requirements of business ethicsregulations, greater transparency created by com-munication technology, or even of a general societalspiritual awakening. Whatever the case, the effect is

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The traditional modelof leadership thatmany of us havelearned and experi-enced seems very dis-tant from the arena ofspirituality.


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that employees simply will not be motivated to pro-duce their best work and will not stay in a job wherethe boss is abusive, dishonest, or self-centered—hence, the influx of books and seminars designed toteach leaders new skills based on spiritual, religious,and ethical qualities.

To be effective, the new business leaders mustembody this new model of leadership. We all recog-nize such leaders when we meet them. There issomething about these people that draws us tothem, encouraging us to perform at our highest leveland to work together toward a worthwhile goal,while providing us with the security that the rightperson is at the helm. This is a genuine connection oftrust that is not based on power, coercion, title, orposition. The new business leader, though, cannotsimply mimic prescribed “spiritual” qualities—suchas caring and listening—because mimics are soonrevealed by their inconsistencies and are eventuallydistrusted (the classic caricature of this is BillLumbergh, the smirking,phony, self-involved bossfrom the movie OfficeSpace). These new leader-ship qualities need to beinternalized rather thanimitated. This is a practicethat begins as an inward


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The new businessleader, though, can-not simply mimic pre-scribed “spiritual”qualities—such ascaring and listening.


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journey, with the conscious intent of personalgrowth. In essence, then, business leadership is aspiritual practice.

Whatever strategies, tactics, or techniques ofleadership may be presented in training sessions andbooks, the essential requirement for an effectiveleader is the genuine commitment to his/her ownspiritual development. The more seriously onedelves into business leadership , the more one findsit to be spiritual practice. In his book, Leadership inOrganizations, Gary Yukl noted:

It is difficult to become a sensitive, caring, andempowering leader unless you have reached ahigh level of emotional and moral development.

What all these books that blend spirituality andbusiness leadership tell us is that the qualities thatnurture the spirit are exactly the same qualities thatmake an effective leader. These qualities include thefollowing:

• A passionate, selfless vision based on an align-ment with a higher purpose, outside of ego-driven desires.

• The discipline and commitment to implement ameaningful vision, relying on a diverse team ofmotivated individuals.

• Empathy and compassion for others, resultingin the desire to inspire them to rise to theirhighest potential.

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• The humility to listen to others with respect,and to sincerely consider their opinions.

• The ability to balance conviction with flexibilityand intellect with intuition.

• The commitment to speak and act truthfully.• The courage to re-examine personal beliefs and

to change them when faced with new facts.• An unshakable optimism, rooted in the knowl-

edge that people, and the world, are inherentlygood.

Here, then, is a bold statement:

The most effective leaders (in any field) arethose who are most spiritually evolved.

The great leaders who have created positivesustained change are all highly evolved spiritualbeings. Abraham Lincoln, for example, surroundedhimself with those who vehemently opposed hisposition. He did this in order to continually evaluatehis beliefs by testing them against the harshest criti-cism. He had the courage to look at himself honest-ly and to respectfully listen to and consider divergentopinions. Lincoln agonized over decisions that wouldput young soldiers in harm’s way and was rackedwith grief over the enormous loss of life. Yet he knewthat the future of his beloved country required victory.

In current times, CEOs like Jeffrey Swartz ofTimberland Shoes have demonstrated the power of


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living their values and of embodying spiritual princi-ples. Timberland has been a leader in implementingenergy-reducing technology and other ways toreduce their carbon emissions, well before thisbecame a national concern and visible trend. Swartzeven pays employees to volunteer in the community.His balance sheet reports the “double bottomline”—gains in profit and values.

Spiritual leadership is not a learned skill or prac-ticed technique. Ultimately, there is no provenrecipe. In their book, The Leadership Challenge,Kouzes and Posner examined a wide array of effec-tive leaders, and conclude:

We’ve said that leaders take us to places we’venever been before. But there are no freeways tothe future, no paved highways to unknown,unexplored destinations. There’s only wilder-ness. To step out into the unknown, begin withthe exploration of the inner territory. With thatas a base, we can then discover and unleashthe leader within us all.

By embracing a commitment to the highest spir-itual and moral standards, effective leaders presentan example for all to emulate. Mahatma Gandhi,who showed the world that peaceful, determined,and spiritual dedication to a just cause can createradical change, taught the essential truth about leadership:

I must first be the change I want to see in myworld.

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Ultimately, effective leaders simply help point usin a new direction, open a door of new possibilities,and encourage us to enter, stop for a moment, andlook around.


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A 2003 national survey revealed an interestingand surprising result. A representative sampling ofAmericans was asked this question: “What do youthink is the most important factor in getting ahead inthe workplace?” Ranked ahead of the expectedanswers such as “merit and performance,” “leader-ship skills,” “intelligence,” “making money for theorganization,” and “working long hours,” was the topanswer—“being a team player.”

Perhaps this was not so surprising after all.Almost anyone in the workplace today has heard ofthe importance of teamwork in business, and a myr-iad of books and seminars have touted the value ofworking in a team (perhaps you even work in a“team configuration” environment). Do we reallyknow what “teamwork” is, though? An entirebranch of management theory has emerged aroundthe concept of teaming and has developed specific

WHO NEEDS YOU?

WORKING TOGETHER


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criteria and qualities that are needed to make a suc-cessful team. Teamwork, we learn, is much morethan merely being part of a larger group. In 1993,British researcher Meredith Belbin proposed nineroles that successful teams should have:

The Coordinator: This person has the skills andtemperament needed to bring the team together andfacilitate consensus. Such an individual is typicallymature and calm and is a skilled communicator andlistener.

The Shaper: This person helps bring the team’sdecisions to quantifiable and achievable goals byassimilating various viewpoints in to a clear vision.This role requires an optimistic outlook, diplomatictemperament, and flexible attitude.

The Plant: This person challenges the team to lookbeyond standard answers through a creativeapproach and unconventional thinking. Such an indi-vidual is typically artistic and passionate and is boredby, and suspicious of, ready, tried solutions.

The Resource Investigator: This person has deepcontacts and knows how to leverage connections tobring relevant information and individuals to theteam. This role requires someone who is outgoingand friendly and who can build strong relationships.

The Implementer: This person is very organized,thinks linearly, and is effective at turning big ideasinto manageable tasks. A good implementer is


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methodical, logical, and hardworking, and mosthighly values precision, quality, and commitment.

The Team Worker: The Team Worker is con-cerned with the individual needs of the team andworks to mediate conflict and promote harmony.This person is caring and empathetic, and enjoyssupporting the efforts of others.

The Completer: As the title suggests, theCompleter is the one who drives the deadlines andmakes sure they are achieved. This person is consci-entious and process-driven, and focuses on meetingthe agreed-upon team goals.

The Monitor Evaluator: This person quicklyreacts to change and develops new strategies andsolutions as needed. The Monitor Evaluator is mostconcerned with moving the team forward by push-ing through adversity and effectively solving problems.

The Specialist: This is an individual who possess-es specific information needed by the team to per-form the task. The Specialist may tend to be nar-rowly focused and will typically not see the entirepicture. Specialists admire education and depth ofknowledge.

Of course, not every team needs these nine spe-cific members, and many of these roles are oftencarried by one person. But as this list tells us, no onesingle person can be all these roles, because an effec-tive team requires a diverse range of personalities—

Who Needs You?

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from those who are detail-oriented, to those whoare big-picture focused; from extroverted and cre-ative, to conservative and reserved. Perhaps yourecognize yourself or your coworkers in some ofthese roles. Perhaps you relate well to one role, orperhaps you flinch whenyou read another. This listpoints out that we needdiversity to create aneffective team and that awide variety of people isneeded.

What is most strikingabout this list is the real-ization that the qualitiesthat we may find challeng-ing, disagreeable, or —let’sbe honest—even annoying in others, are just thequalities that are needed to round out the team. Soinstead of complaining about the person whosecharacteristics are different than your own, you can:

• Thank goodness for the detail-maniac whodrives you crazy with endless picky questions.This person makes sure that your team pro-duces an accurate, quality product.


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An effective teamrequires a diverserange of personali-ties—from those whoare detail-oriented, tothose who are big-picture focused; fromextroverted and cre-ative, to conservativeand reserved.


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• Thank goodness for the irresponsible flake whointerferes with the linearity of the process. Thisperson brings fresh ideas to your sometimes-stale thinking.

• Thank goodness for the control-freak whoinsists that everything occurs exactly asplanned. This person ensures that the scheduleis met.

• Thank goodness for the smiling glad-handerwho seems to always be out schmoozinginstead of working. This person brings newresources and support to your team.

• Thank goodness for the glowering critic whoconstantly finds fault in everything that is pro-duced. This person picks up the pieces whenthe inevitable change of plan occurs.

• And thank goodness for you, who is probablyone of these annoying folks to somebody else.

By participating in conscious teamwork, we sur-round ourselves with others who possess differentskills and temperaments. We need diversity becausenone of us is complete enough to provide all that isrequired. So the person whose qualities most con-flict with yours is probably the person you most needon your team. Imagine a team filled with peopleexactly like you! Everyone with exactly the sameskill sets, the same outlook, the same attitudes, thesame beliefs…. If you’ve ever seen the eccentric

Who Needs You?

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movie Being John Malkovich, you may remember thescene when the actor travels into his own “brainportal” and experiences a reality in which everyonelooks and acts exactly likehimself. He emergesscreaming from this, hisworst possible nightmare.

By being engaged in adiverse team, we learn lifeskills that we would notdevelop in a monolithicgroup nor on our own. Foremost, we develop theskill of listening. When there are others with differ-ent opinions and points of view, we can either shutthem out or open ourselves to their ideas. Throughthis process, we increase our capacity for empathyand compassion. We also learn the gentle art of per-suasion. In a like-minded group, no one needs to bepersuaded. In a diverse team, though, individuals areencouraged to exchange, defend, and possiblyrethink their ideas. Finally, and most importantly, adiverse team develops respect. We learn to respectthe views of others, and perhaps to respectablyagree to disagree.

What teamwork ultimately teaches is toembrace the value of diversity, especially when theother person’s role is most different from yours.There is a wonderful Buddhist teaching that


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The person whosequalities most conflictwith yours is proba-bly the person youmost need on yourteam.


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encourages us to seek out those who are most dif-ferent from ourselves—who most challenge ourbeliefs—and to engage them as our teachers. Thistradition realizes that such a person can open ourhearts and minds to new ways of thinking that hadbeen hidden from us and that we would never havediscovered alone. The person who most “pushes ourbuttons,” then, can be our greatest asset. This canbe a tremendously hard lesson to learn, but one that,if lived, can have the potential for profound growthand powerful transformation.

We see that the world is filled with endlessdiversity, all created with a very specific purpose.And thank goodness for that. After all, we are ulti-mately all part of a very, very large team, and therespect for each other’s unique roles is crucial to ourcollective future.

Who Needs You?

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In the previous chapter, “Who Needs You?,” wediscussed the value and power of teamwork—thatby working in a team, we promote diversity, and thatembracing those with different temperaments andinclinations ensures that all aspects of a project areaddressed. As noted, to effectively communicatewithin a diverse team, we must develop three essen-tial skills:

1. Respect2. Persuasion3. Listening

These are all core skills, and each one is worthyof separate in-depth study. The respect we showothers is a key to building meaningful relationships.And the ability to persuasively present our own pointof view is essential for success. What about listening,

LISTEN UP

EFFECTIVE LISTENING


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though? At first, listening hardly even seems to fit inthe category of “skill” and appears to be primarily apassive sensory activity with little demonstration ofany specific skill sets.

Over the last half-century, though, mainstreammanagement theory has promoted the concept of lis-tening as a skill that can increase sales and improvecommunication. Now there are many books and sem-inars that teach us how to be better listeners. Many ofthese teach actionable skills such as the following:

• Lean forward and make eye contact when oth-ers speak in order to show that you areengaged in the conversation.

• Nod or tilt your head in order to demonstratethat you have heard what was said.

• Repeat back what the other person has said tosignal that you have understood.

I have been to seminars that teach these listen-ing skills (at the encouragement of the victims of myoften absent-minded listening) and have tried to usethese skills in my personal and business lives. I’ve dis-covered that making eye contact, leaning in to theconversation, nodding, repeating, and other externaldemonstrations, are all good tips if you want to pres-ent a convincing image of an engaged listener. Butsomehow, I must admit, these skills haven’t reallyhelped much, and every year I rewrite the sameNew Year’s resolution: “Become a better listener!”


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And every year I ask the same questions: “How canI actually become a better listener?” and “What’s thereal value of listening?”

Let’s first look at these questions from the per-spective of business. In their best-seller, The OneMinute Salesperson, Larry Wilson and SpencerJohnson write:

The best salespeople are good listeners—that’show you find out what the buyer wants.

This is a clear and obvious observation. If wewant to sell a product or service to a customer, weneed to first hear what it is that the customer needsso we can devise a solution. But how often have wemisunderstood what the customer has told us, deliv-ered the wrong product or service, or missed addi-tional opportunities because we didn’t really under-stand what the customer was telling us? Maybe weonly gleaned the surface of the conversation.Perhaps we were busier trying to convince our cus-tomers to hire us than listening to their needs. Poorlistening can be costly, leading to mistakes, bad serv-ice, misaligned goals, wasted time, and lack of team-work. If we had really listened, perhaps we mighthave discovered a way to more fully meet ourclients’ needs, and we would have been more suc-cessful. President Calvin Coolidge remarked withhis famous brevity:

No man ever listened himself out of a job.

Listen Up

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Listening is very complex , though. Studies haveshown that up to 93% of communication is non-ver-bal, including tone of voice, eye movement, posture,hand gestures, facial expressions, and others. As weknow, even a simple statement like, “That’s great,”can carry a multitude of messages. Said with thewide eyes of enthusiasm, or the frown of jealousy, orthe down-turned glance of resignation, or the smileof approval, or the snicker of sarcasm, “That’sgreat,” can mean almost anything. Truly understand-ing the speaker’s intention, then, requires an immer-sion in the complete message sent by the speaker, farbeyond the mere words used.

As Steven Covey notes in The Seven Habits ofHighly Effective People, one of the vital characteris-tics of an effective person is:

First seek to understand, then to be understood.

Covey is saying that we must put ourselves andour agenda to the side so that we can completelyconcentrate on what the other person is saying. Youcannot concentrate on the other person when youare focused on your own image, formulating yourresponse, or pushing your agenda. Good listening,then, begins with the determination to focus yourattention outward, toward the other, and away fromyourself. Then, as Steven Covey notes, only afteryou have fully understood the other person’s mes-sage should you begin to explain yours. This is thetrue skill of listening and when routinely practiced


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will produce profound sen-sitivity and awareness.

In spiritual and reli-gious jargon, this need toput our own needs to the side is often called“negation of the ego” andis the first step in any spiri-tual practice. For those of you who have ever med-itated, you may have learned that the meditativepractice begins by concentrating on the simple act ofbreathing, or on watching the flicker of a candle, orstaring at a geometric image, or repeating a simplephrase. The idea here is to place your attention onsomething that will take you away from yourself—from the chatter of your own mind, the agitation ofyour own emotions, and even the sensations of yourown body—in order to let something more subtleand profound enter your awareness. This teaching—that listening is an essential skill for personal growthand success—can also be found in many places inthe Bible. The central and most ancient Jewishprayer, the Sh’ma, which comes from The Book ofDeuteronomy, begins with the powerful imperative:“Listen!”This prayer makes it clear that the first stepin spiritual growth is the commitment to truly anddeeply listen.

From another episode in the Bible comes aphrase about listening that has entered the commonlanguage. In this story, the prophet Elijah is found

Listen Up

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Only after you havefully understood theother person’s mes-sage should youbegin to explainyours.


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high in the mountains, hiding from a corrupt leader-ship that wants to silence his message of reform. Hecries out to the heavens in despair, asking to under-stand his suffering. Suddenly there is a great wind,then an earthquake, then fire. But he does not findhis answer in any of these. Then, unexpectedly, hehears a “still small voice,” and is comforted. It wasonly when Elijah put aside all personal distractions(wind, earthquake, and fire can be seen asmetaphors for the constant inner noises that distractus from being receptive to others and to the Divine)that he could truly listen and understand. As thisstory teaches, listening is a subtle, quiet activity,which is directed away from ourselves and our ownegos. When we are focused on our own needs, aredistracted, or are impatient with the conversation,we stop listening. Deep listening requires thecourage to put ourselves and our needs aside for amoment, to let the conversation evolve toward anunderstanding of the other, and to truly hear in thestill small voice the real message.

Two final quotes about the power of listening:First, the business writer Peter Nulty, notes:

Of all the skills of leadership, listening is themost valuable—and least understood. Mostcaptains of industry listen only sometimes, andthey remain ordinary leaders. But a few, thegreat ones, never stop listening. That’s howthey get word before anyone else of unseenproblems and opportunities.


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And finally, my favorite quote about listening,which lightly and succinctly sums it up, comes fromthe flamboyant playwright and entrepreneur, WilsonMizner:

A good listener is not only popular everywhere,but after a while he knows something.

Listen Up

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In almost every home in America, especially inhomes with young children, there is a special place.This place serves many purposes. It is the reposito-ry for much that is immediately important. It displaysthe great recent achievements of the family, directsactivities, and often holds words of wisdom orencouragement. Temporarily adhered to its metalsurface are the children’s latest masterpieces andreport cards, schedules of important upcomingevents, or pictures of beloved family and friends. Ofcourse I’m talking about the domestic holy ofholies—the kitchen refrigerator door. And becausewe cannot avoid looking at it every time we reachfor a snack or cold drink, many people place inspira-tional messages on this door. For many years, I hadsuch a printed message, which occupied a specialplace of honor right next to the ice dispenser. It read:

I DON’T KNOW

RESPECTFUL CONVERSATION


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Seven qualities characterize the fool and thewise man:

1. The wise man does not speak before some-one wiser than him.

2. He does not break in to his fellow’s speech.3. He is not in a rush to reply.4. He asks what is relevant and replies to the

point.5. He speaks of first things first and last things

last.6. Of what he has not heard he says, “I have

not heard.”7. And he acknowledges what is true.The opposites apply to the fool.

This saying comes from Pirkei Avot (The Sayingsof the Fathers), a collection of short aphorisms fromThe Talmud—the compilation of Jewish Bible inter-pretation—that address ethical action. Althoughthis saying is nearly two thousand years old, it spokedirectly to an issue that I and, I believe, many of us,struggle with almost daily: how to respectfullyengage others in meaningful conversation. I read thisevery morning as I reached for the milk and everyevening after returning from work. When I movedto New York several years ago, however, the paperon which this saying was printed disappeared. I stillkeep these seven qualities listed in my mind, though,and they continue to yield insights and challenges


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well beyond their appar-ently simple message.

On its surface, thissaying from Pirkei Avotaddresses issues of proper,polite speech and providesguidelines for respectfuldialogue. These are essen-tial points, and when takento heart will help us to engage others more effec-tively. This saying tells us to listen to what othershave to say, to not interrupt, to stay on topic, to notmake up answers to that which we do not know,and to recognize the truth, even if it’s different fromour cherished opinions or points of view. How oftenhave we been in a meeting, presentation, or casualconversation, and experienced someone who con-stantly interrupts, or who impatiently waits for oth-ers to finish so he can jump in with his opinion? Orwill change the subject or fabricate an answer? Orwill not consider that he might be wrong, and thatsomeone else might be right? We can experiencethis person as a take-charge type or perhaps as anarrogant know-it-all, or maybe as one who is justplain rude. And let’s be honest, how often have webeen that person? (This was on my refrigerator, afterall.)

I Don’t Know

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An issue that I and, Ibelieve, many of us,struggle with almostdaily: how to respect-fully engage others inmeaningful conversa-tion.


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It’s all too easy to fall into these patterns becauseit’s all too easy to believe that there is a good reasonto do so. When we are engaged in conversation,especially when we are trying to come across well—to a client, a new acquaintance, our boss, ourspouse—it seems natural to want to put forward astrong opinion to impress; to show we know whatwe’re talking about (I’m informed!), to direct theconversation (I’m a leader!), to demonstrate ourvalue (I’m important!), to move attention toward us(I’m confident!), to entertain (I’m clever!), or toavoid appearing shy, aloof, or disinterested, (well, atleast I’m sociable!). We might have been taught thatwe should never appear “weak” in front of othersand that, therefore, we should not admit we don’tknow something. We might then believe we shouldredirect the subject when faced with a topic forwhich we have no knowledge, or we should notback down from our expressed opinion, or allowanother to be right. We may think that if we arequiet and yield to others, or candidly acknowledgethat we simply don’t know, we’ll be seen as ineffec-tive or unnecessary.

What’s extraordinary about the saying fromPirkei Avot is that it turns this conventional wisdomon its head. We usually believe that the person whoanswers quickly, interrupts, and always knows theanswer must be very secure and competent. Wetend to associate verbal assertiveness, quick wit, and


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ready answers with the wise person—with one whois confident. We also tend to associate one who issilent, deferential, and readily says, “I don’t know,”with the fool—with one who is insecure and incom-petent. This saying from Pirkei Avot teaches just theopposite. This saying teaches us that wisdom comesfrom the basic humility ofaccepting that we do notknow everything, that oth-ers know things that we donot, and that life involvescontinual learning.

When we do notadhere to these principles;when we refuse to recog-nize that there are otherswho may know more than we and who have valu-able information to share, then, according to PirkeiAvot, we are acting foolish. When we don’t take thetime to listen to others, or we think our opinion is themost important, or we can’t allow ourselves to sim-ply say, “I don’t know,” we have become foolishbecause we shut ourselves off from new learning.We do this, ultimately, out of insecurity, not confi-dence. Insecurity stems from a lack of confidence inour own essential goodness and worth. This sensethat “there is something wrong with me,” if not

I Don’t Know

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Wisdom comes fromthe basic humility ofaccepting that we donot know everything,that others knowthings that we do not,and that life involvescontinual learning.


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examined and healed, creates a false defensive frontthat is built on the belief that I should not exposethose parts of myself that feel like flaws because Iwill then be found wanting and will be rejected. And,because I don’t approve of myself as I am, I then seekexternal approval of my false front to reassure methat I am, in fact, good enough. But the image I ampresenting is not really me, so therefore my naturalability to honestly and deeply connect with others isdulled. What began as insecurity and need forapproval finally takes the external form of arrogance,insensitivity, or lack of humility. This produces theopposite results from the initial—usually uncon-scious—intention, which is to receive approval. Dueto my appearance of arrogance I now get lessapproval, and consequently my belief there is some-thing wrong with me is reinforced, creating moreinsecurity. So the false front thickens to further pro-tect me, leading to even less approval. As a result ofthis process, growth is slowed or stopped becausewhen I cannot simply allow myself to admit the“weakness” of not knowing, I cannot successfullylearn.

The saying from Pirkei Avot offers a way out ofthe painful and destructive cycle by telling us thatwisdom springs from the realization that we don’tneed to protect ourselves from exposure or proveourselves worthy, and that we can respectfully openourselves to receive what others have to say. Once


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we become comfortable with this basic truth, wereadily accept that there is always someone who hasknowledge we lack. We do not interrupt this personbecause we appreciate the other’s valuable knowl-edge. We do not rush to answer because we wantto be sure that the other is finished speaking. Weweigh our answer carefully because we desire tounderstand and be understood. We do not changethe subject because we are comfortable with therealization that there is an infinite amount of possi-ble knowledge. And when asked something we donot know, we readily admit this because we see theopportunity to learn something new. This is truewisdom, according to the saying from Pirkei Avot,and it arises from the deep security that births gen-uine humility.

From the Tao Te Ching, the Chinese “Book ofthe Way,” comes this essential realization:

Those who try to outshine others dim their ownlight…Those who boast of their own accom-plishments diminish the things they’ve done.

This dynamic is a central understanding of allreligious and spiritual teachings. The greatest teach-ers, including Moses, Buddha, and Jesus, are allnoted for their profound wisdom coupled with deephumility and deference to others.

Twenty years ago, when I was new to the busi-ness world, I was, like many young people, so eagerto prove myself that I often resisted admitting what

I Don’t Know

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I did not know and was reluctant to ask for help outof fear that I’d appear incompetent. Fortunately, Ihad a boss who saw right through this fragile façade.One day, as we were discussing a project (and I was,as usual, trying to make a good impression), he sud-denly looked right at me, and with a small smile, said,

“Alan, you know, I have a little practice that I’vedeveloped over the years that is very helpful. Atleast once a day, I try to say ‘I don’t know,’ and to door say something that makes me appear a little awk-ward, or even foolish. Usually, though,” he addedthrough a light chuckle, “I don’t even have to try.”

At the time, I could not understand his strangecomment. How could this person—a successful, re-spected businessman—advocate appearing un-knowledgeable and, heaven forbid, foolish? Now, Iam beginning to understand his sensitive and timelyadvice, and my regular spiritual practice includes thecommitment to appreciate the opportunity to askfor help and to admit that which I don’t know.

John Godfrey Saxe, a nineteenth-centuryAmerican poet, wrote a well-known poem titled,“The Essence of an Elephant.”This poem tells of sixblind men from Indostan who attempt to understandan elephant. The first blind man touches the side ofthe elephant and determines that an elephant is, inessence, a wall. The second touches the tusk anddetermines that an elephant is a spear. The thirdtouches the trunk and determines that an elephant is


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a snake; then the others touch the ear, leg, and tail,all with different proclamations on the nature of theelephant. The poem ends with the six blind menarguing about which is right:

And so these men of Indostan disputed loudand long,

Each in his own opinion, exceeding stiff andstrong,

Though each was partly in the right, all werein the wrong!

Each thought he knew all that was knowableabout the elephant and stubbornly defended his ownposition, refusing to learn from the others, yet eachonly grasped a small piece of the whole. Their insis-tence that each knew best kept them all in the dark.These are the type of fools that Pirkei Avot warnsagainst.

So the next time you are tempted to interrupt,jump in with a quick comment, or are reluctant toadmit that you don’t know something, take a mentalwalk to the refrigerator door, and ask yourself, whois wise, and who is foolish?

I Don’t Know

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(This message was delivered for the New Year, 2008, and con-

tinues the theme introduced in “I Don’t Know”).

Happy New Year! I wish you and your families ayear of health, happiness, and prosperity. The obser-vance of the New Year is possibly the oldest of allholidays. We have records of New Year celebrationsdating back to ancient Mesopotamia, nearly 4,000years ago. These records indicate that people thenparticipated in one of today’s most popular andpotent aspects of this holiday: the making of NewYear’s resolutions. Most of us still make resolutionsfor the New Year, promising, perhaps, to spend moretime with family and friends, lose weight, get fit,make more money, get organized, learn somethingnew, help others…. For us, as for our ancestors, theNew Year offers an opportunity to start again, withthe determination that tomorrow will be better thanyesterday.

Humanity seems to have a need for the possibil-ity of a fresh start. Most religions recognize thatcyclical events, such as the New Year, bring the

IN THE BEGINNING

KEEPING RESOLUTIONS


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promise of personal growth and a better world.Judaism, Christianity, and Islam, for example, com-memorate the end of each week with a Sabbath—aday of rest and contemplation, when we can put theprevious week behind us and start again. We needthis chance to begin again, because beginnings arecrucial to our growth. As Plato, the founder ofWestern philosophy, taught:

The beginning is the most important part of thework.

Beginnings, though, often fizzle out, and thefresh start that we dreamed of, planned, and planted,just does not seem to bloom. Most people begin theirNew Year’s resolutions with great enthusiasm andcommitment, but, as we’ve all experienced, theseresolutions can quickly dissolve as we soon return toour comfortable, predictable patterns. There aremany reasons for this phenomenon. Perhaps we dis-cover that we simply don’t have the time to imple-ment the change. Or we find that the results wedesired did not come as quickly as we had expected.Or we simply lose steam and give up. We know,however, that these reasons are usually just excusesfor avoiding the new startthat we had hoped for.

The Book of Proverbsoffers an insight and guid-ance on how we can over-come these obstacles and


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Humanity seems tohave the need for thepossibility of a freshstart.


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begin in a way that is sustainable. A sentence fromProverbs 9:10—often misunderstood becauseEnglish does not capture the deeper meaning of itsmessage, and the subtlety of its words—tells us that:

Wisdom begins with the humble awareness ofthe Infinite.

This Proverb teaches that beginnings requirewisdom and that wisdom begins with the existentialknowledge that you are guided and supported inyour life, and with the simple recognition of the mostobvious, most unavoidable truth: You, unlike God,are finite, changeable, and fallible. To begin with wis-dom, then, means to admit that, as a human being,you are meant to grow. And growth comes whenyou expose yourself to missteps, mistakes, wrongturns, and even to risk failure, knowing that thisjourney will lead you where you are meant to go—or at least with the sense that you might learn some-thing along the way. In another well-knownTalmudic aphorism, Rabbi Ben Zoma asks, “Who iswise?” and answers, “One who learns from every-one [and everything]. From all those who taught meI gained understanding.” Ben Zoma encourages us toput aside our limiting assumptions of where we canlearn and who can teach us, and, most importantly,the defenses of our egos (“I have nothing to learnfrom you!”), in order for new knowledge and experi-ences to emerge. After all, who knows what youmay learn from unexpected sources? In the face of

In the Beginning

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the vast amount of possible knowledge and under-standing, we are always students and beginners. AsThomas Edison famously remarked:

We don’t even begin to understand one percentabout ninety percent of anything.

The Buddhists have a very sophisticated practicefor embracing this way of thinking. Called, appropri-ately, “Beginner’s Mind,” this practice helps us tostart again. In his book, Zen Mind Beginner’s Mind,the Zen priest, Shunryu Suzuki, wrote:

If your mind is empty, it is always ready foreverything. It is open to everything. In thebeginners mind there are many possibilities; inthe expert’s mind there are few. In the beginnersmind there is no thought “I have attained some-thing.” All self-centered thoughts limit our vastmind. When we have no thought of self, nothought of achievement, we are true beginners.

Beginner’s Mind teaches us to abandon our self-defeating beliefs: our impulse to think, “That’s nothow it works,” “That can’t be done,” “That won’twork,” or “Who are you to teach me?” and insteadembraces the thoughts, “Wow, I didn’t know that!,”“That’s fascinating,” and “Please tell me more!” In thisway, we always remain beginners, no matter howmuch we have learned or experienced. This doesn’tmean, of course, that we should shun the pursuit of expertise or that we should not be proud of our knowledge and accomplishments. Skills andknowledge are required if we are to accomplish


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anything meaningful and be of assistance to others.Beginner’s Mind, though, encourages us to alwaysapproach life as learners. This attitude creates thepossibility of new starts and the ability to implementour new resolutions with openness, flexibility, enthu-siasm, and joy.

There is a well-known Zen saying, popularizedby the singer Donovan in the 1960s, which summa-rizes this growth process toward wisdom:

First there is a mountain, then there is not amountain, then there is.

This saying poetically describes the developmentof Beginner’s Mind through the simple example of amountain. First, in our youth, we see mountainswith the unrestrained wonder of a child: giant, mys-terious, unknowable objects that reach to theclouds. To a child, that’s a mountain. Then we learnabout mountains—how they are created by tecton-ic movement in the earth’s crust, pushed up gradual-ly over eons, made up of layers of rock formed by theplanet’s molten interior, and hardened in the atmos-phere. We give the mountains names, measure theirheight, and determine their age. Now we think thatwe understand mountains and soon move on to thenext topic. The essence of the mountain, though, isnow lost. The mountain ceases to exist (“then thereis no mountain”) once we say that because we thinkwe have learned all there is to learn, we know it,understand it, and have finished our exploration.

In the Beginning

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Later, with maturity, humility, and wisdom, wediscover that the labels and measurements are goodfactual information, but don’t do anything to help ustruly know the mountain. We rediscover that themountain is much more than we can understand.We can see again the incredible mystery of themountain, appreciate its beauty, feel its power, dis-cover that it is a component in a delicate ecosystemshaped by its very presence, and even begin to seethe movements of the earth’s crust that created it aspart of a larger plan, in an infinitely complex, pur-poseful system in which we, like the mountain, areparticipants. Again, the mountain re-appears, butnow in a mature way that is child-like in its potential,but not childish. The knowledge that we gained ear-lier, when we thought that we were “experts” aboutthe mountain, is now integrated into a new, larger,more subtle wisdom. Because the mountain has infi-nite possibilities, no one can claim to be a complete“expert” on it, and new learning is always available.We now have a humble awareness of the Infinite.

With the New Year, when we resolve to beginanew—to implement the changes that we know weneed—we can remember that, in fact, the possibili-ty to start over is available at any and everymoment, once we accept this challenge with theattitude of a beginner.


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In most of these messages, I like to include relevantquotes in order to illuminate, support, and clarify thesubject being discussed. These quotes come fromreligious scriptures, philosophers, statesmen, busi-ness leaders, and poets, and these sources demon-strate the fact that basic truths cross easily overphysical, temporal, religious, and cultural bound-aries. As we enter the upcoming fall season at work,and we are all gearing up to redouble our efforts, aparticular well-known quote has been coming to mymind:

He who hesitates is lost.

These words were written by Alexander Pope,the great eighteenth-century English poet. Most ofus know these words, and perhaps we may thinkthat we understand its message: Don’t delay whenopportunity knocks on your door. This is only half

PRELUDE TO DISASTER

BUILDING CONFIDENCE


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the quote, though. The remainder of Pope’s wordsprovides a much clearer understanding of his intent:

Swift and resolute action leads to success; self-doubt is a prelude to disaster.

The full quote tells us that we must overcomeself-doubt so that we can act confidently, withspeed and resolve. We all immediately recognize thisas true. For most of us, though, overcoming self-doubt is a difficult, life-long struggle. The averageperson, I’ve read, processes over 60,000 thoughtsper day, of which 90% occur subconsciously.Although many of these thoughts are positive, manyof them are inevitably negative, and the majority ofthose negative thoughts are not conscious, but popup unbidden, possibly out of developed habit or incli-nation. I’ve discovered that my negative thoughts,for example, are usually based on exaggerations ordistortions of events that happened in the past thatI’ve classified as disappointments or failures. Thisthen produces worries about my current and futurechallenges, leading to self-doubt. As Pope dramati-cally notes, such self-doubt undermines the ability toact successfully. This is because our thoughts canproduce self-fulfilling consequences. Negativethoughts, words, and attitudes lead to negative andunhappy moods and actions, creating negativeresults, and more self-doubt. Conversely, positivethinking, when practiced regularly, promotes deci-sive action and increased energy, which leads to success and confidence. As Henry Ford advised:


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Whether you think you can or think youcan’t—you are right.

What can we do when the inevitable, usuallysubconscious, negative thoughts arise, though?How can we, as Pope recommends, put aside self-doubt, especially when it seems to arise automati-cally? Another quote provides some guidance:

Don’t be content with things as they are. ‘Theearth is yours and the fullness thereof.’ Enterupon your inheritance, accept your responsibil-ities. … Don’t take ‘no’ for an answer. Neversubmit to failure. Do not be fobbed off withmere personal success or acceptance. You willmake all kinds of mistakes; but as long as youare generous and true, and also fierce, youcannot hurt the world or even seriously distressher.

Winston Churchill said these inspiring words toa country at war, on the brink of disaster. He toldthe struggling people of England to challenge thestatus quo, to see the world as full of opportunities,to keep trying even when others may tell you toquit, to never indulge the self-doubt that comesfrom difficulties along the way, and, most of all, toapproach life with gen-erosity, truth, and passion.The world, Churchill reas-sures us, can handle ourconfidence.

Prelude to Disaster

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For most of us, over-coming self-doubt isa difficult, life-longstruggle.


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Modern psychology aligns well with Pope’s,Ford’s, and Churchill’s mandates. We have learnedthat the first step in developing confidence is to con-sciously identify the self-defeating thoughts that pre-vent us from being successful. The second step is toactively change these thought patterns and intro-duce new patterns that create positive results. Someof the typical negative thought patterns that weshould be aware of include the following:

Perfectionism: The idea that if you are not perfect,you are a failure. This is “all or nothing” thinking,which keeps us from accepting ourselves and othersas we are and from celebrating the progress thatwe’ve made. Perfectionism actually stems from arro-gance: the belief that you can—and should—in factbe perfect. It is a refusal to accept your owninevitable limitations and to face the reality that you,like everyone else, make mistakes, and have thecapacity for growth.

Pessimism: The belief that disaster lurks aroundevery corner and that failure should be expected.This occurs when we diminish all the wonderfulpositive things that we have experienced andaccomplished, and overemphasize the negative ones.This may stem from previous experiences in whichwe have been disappointed, leading us to believethat optimism is unrealistic. Pessimism, however,moves us to self-protective actions, leading to morefear and insecurity, less gratitude, and creating morepessimism.


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Exaggeration: The tendency to increase or dimin-ish the severity, importance, or meaning of an eventor encounter (this is my automatic thought pattern,mentioned earlier). We exaggerate in order to feelmore emotion by creating dramas, to avoid takingresponsibility, or to dismiss the effort needed to seeka positive solution. It’s easier to exaggerate than tocarefully examine nuances and complexities.

Labeling: The wholesale categorization of a personor event. Labeling ignores the subtle differences thatmake every situation and individual unique and isusually employed to create division and conflict, andprotect us from exploring aspects of ourselves thatmay be difficult, uncomfortable, or unflattering.

Difficulty Accepting Compliments: We maythink that we are being humble when we brush asideor deflect a compliment, but we are actually reject-ing a valuable gift and an opportunity to increase ourconfidence. We are also, consciously or unintention-ally, diminishing the regard for the opinion of the onewho gave us the compliment.

Jack Welch, the legendary CEO of GeneralElectric, once said:

Confidence gives you courage and extends yourreach. It lets you take greater risks and achievefar more than you ever thought possible.

Welch, no stranger to swift and resolute action,and not one to readily take “no” for an answer, istelling us that once we embrace our own confidence,

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we will naturally take risks, and we will then discov-er that there are avenues to success that we did noteven know existed. Of course, this is not an immedi-ate or easy process and requires continual monitoringand updating. Again, there are specific strategies fordeveloping confidence. The following list, which hasbeen culled from many different sources, recom-mends some concrete actions. These include:

Focus on Your Strengths. Know where you aremost effective, be comfortable with your inclina-tions and limitations, and allow yourself to be sup-ported by others with complementary strengths.Develop what you do best. Why be mediocre at thatwhich you are not inclined to do well, and don’tenjoy doing, when you can be great at that whichyou naturally do well and enjoy? Remember that noone is complete enough to do all that is needed.

Take Risks. As Pope, Churchill, and Welch wrote,confident people take risks. Doing so opens you upto new possibilities and can increase your sense ofadventure and fun, encouraging you to take morerisks. This does not mean that you should be reck-less, but that you should chance doing those uncom-fortable or uncertain things that you know youshould and find opportunities to challenge your pre-conceived sense of your own limitations.

Monitor Your Self-Talk. Catch yourself when youuse negative self-talk, as discussed earlier. If youthink positively and expect favorable results and


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situations, in time your mental attitude will changehow you view the events in your life. Even thoughthe events themselves may not yet have changed,you will act with more positive energy and attractothers with positive attitudes, thereby increasingyour opportunities to succeed.

Visualize. When you visualize, you rehearse how aproblem can be solved and how a new idea could beimplemented. Visualization helps you to practice andto anticipate issues before they arise, leading to bet-ter performance and more confidence when the realthing occurs.

Evaluate Yourself Objectively. Learn to evaluateyourself independently and make adjustments with-out self-blame. Self-confidence is an attitude thatallows individuals to have positive yet realistic viewsof themselves and their situations. Having self-confi-dence does not mean that individuals will be able todo everything, but self-confident people set expecta-tions that are realistic based on their self-knowledge. Give Yourself a Break. Most importantly (and, formany of us, the most difficult lesson), have compas-sion for yourself—as you would for others. We allstumble along the way and at times will feel inse-cure, unworthy, and disappointed. Embrace this asan inevitable component of the journey, which indi-cates that you are engaged and committed. Also, besure to congratulate yourself on your accomplish-ments, which will increase your confidence.

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Finally, the most moving and powerful quote onthe topic of confidence was written by MarianneWilliamson, in her book, A Return to Love:Reflections on the Principles of a Course in Miracles:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyondmeasure. It is our light, not our darkness thatfrightens us most. We ask ourselves, ‘Who amI to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, andfamous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? Youare a child of God. Your playing small does notserve the world. There is nothing enlightenedabout shrinking so that people won’t feel inse-cure around you. We were born to make man-ifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s notjust in some of us; it’s in all of us. And whenwe let our own light shine, we unconsciouslygive other people permission to do the same.As we are liberated from our own fear, ourpresence automatically liberates others.

As Williamson teaches, confidence, at its deep-est and most effective level, is the calm sense ofyour inherent goodness; that at your very essence,you are a product of the Source of all Goodness.Confidence is the belief that at their very essence, allothers are also inherently good. And it is the knowl-edge that at its very essence, life—in all its abun-dance and complexity—is inherently good. With thisconfidence, you will naturally and readily embracenew opportunities and discover that confidence andsuccess are your worthy gifts and inheritance.


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A legend that you might know:

A man takes a bath. He needs this bathbecause he is stressed, agitated, annoyed, anddefeated. An important problem that he hasbeen struggling to solve incessantly runsthrough his mind, calling to him for a solution.In spite of his best efforts, though, the solutioneludes him—but the problem won’t leave himalone. Finally, exhausted from the mentaleffort, he reluctantly decides to take a shortbath before returning to his work. As he slidesinto the warm water, he begins to relax. Hecloses his eyes and feels the tension slowlydrain from his forehead.

“Ah,” he sighs, “just the break I need.”

His arms and legs soften, and as his chestsinks into the water, he feels his hands gentlyfloat to the surface. He hears a light splash aswater spills over the edge of the tub.

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“I’ll wipe up the water later,” he thinks.

Suddenly, he sits upright. His eyes are wide,and a wild grin spreads across his face. Hejumps out of the tub, and runs through thehouse.

“I have found it,” he yells. “I have found it!”

“I must tell the king immediately,” the manthinks, and so he runs out of the house towardthe palace. His neighbors stare in shock at thewet, naked man, running up the cobblestonestreet, shouting, “I have found it!”

According to legend, the naked man was theancient Greek mathematician Archimedes. His nag-ging problem: finding a way to determine if a crownthat appears to be pure gold is in fact pure (the king,suspecting that the gold covers a copper base, hiredthe great Archimedes to confirm his suspicion).Legend tells us that while taking a bath, Archimedessuddenly realized that by measuring the amount ofwater that is displaced by an object (say, a goldcrown), one can calculate its density, and hence itspurity. In his excitement, he ran through the streets,shouting the now-familiar word, “Eureka!” (“I havefound it” in Greek). This story is famous because itillustrates an important concept. At the momentwhen he stopped trying to solve the problem ration-ally and allowed unexpected wisdom to enter,Archimedes demonstrated the power of intuition.


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Intuition is difficult todefine, but we have allexperienced it to somedegree. Essentially, intu-ition is a faculty of know-ing without the use ofrational processes. Unliketypical thinking—which isa long, deliberateprocess—intuition is usu-ally fast and unplanned.And unlike the rational pursuit—which is linear innature—intuitive insight typically arises from unex-pected sources (like a bathtub). Intuitive insightmost typically occurs when we are relaxed, open,and non-judgmental; when we are not actively look-ing for an answer. Intuition often results in a “eure-ka” moment, when we suddenly pass from notknowing to knowing, without knowing how we gotthere. This is an exciting, energizing moment, andlike Archimedes, we may get caught up in the amaz-ing discovery. We may find that we have lost trackof time and place and may need some time to returnto our normal state afterwards. This is because intu-itive insight feels like a great unexpected gift.

For those who have difficulty with the conceptof intuition, we can describe this phenomenon as aninner voice. We all have many voices in our heads

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At the moment whenhe stopped trying tosolve the problemrationally andallowed unexpectedwisdom to enter,Archimedes demon-strated the power ofintuition.


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competing for attention. There are voices of ambi-tion, need, insecurity, anger, compassion, sabotage,fear, love, and so on. All these voices call to us at onetime or another, depending on our emotional stateand situation. Most of us are familiar with thesevoices, as though they are entities sitting on ourshoulders whispering in our ears. Among all thesevoices, though, is one that has a special quality. It iswiser than we are. It is calmer. It is ego-less. It isobjective. It is helpful. It is mistake-free. And it isconsistent. When this voice calls, you may noticethat your body relaxes, you experience an unusualmental clarity, and you feel a surge of energy. This iswhat the Bible calls the “still, small voice.”This is thevoice of intuition.

Where does intuitive insight come from? As youcan guess, there are a myriad of proposed answersto this question. Depending on your paradigm, intu-ition might be one of the following:

• A normal action of the mind.• Information from the collective consciousness.• A result of a soul connection with the all-

knowing Universe.• An act of grace from a Higher Power.

We cannot know the answer, and perhaps allthese are true in some way. What matters for us is the acknowledgment that intuition is a real


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phenomenon and that there are means to connectwith this source of knowledge. Colin Powell, in MyAmerican Journey, notes his reliance on intuition:

Dig up all the information you can, then gowith your instincts. We all have a certain intu-ition, and the older we get, the more we trustit…I use my intellect to inform my instinct.Then I use my instinct to test all this data.‘Hey, instinct, does this sound right? Does itsmell right, feel right, fit right?’

Another legend:

At the moment before a baby is born, it knowseverything. It knows its purpose in this world.It knows what it is meant to accomplish, whoit will meet, where it will go. It knows how theUniverse operates. It knows everything becauseit is a pure, yet unborn soul, still connected toits Source. Albert Einstein and the Buddha arenovices in comparison to this soon-to-be enti-ty. At the very moment of its birth, an angelappears to the baby and places its heavenlyfinger under the baby’s nose, creating thechannel that connects nose to mouth. At thatmoment of the angel’s touch, the baby instant-ly forgets everything and is a helpless,unknowing newborn, relying on the guidanceand love of its parents and community. Yet allthat it once knew remains, buried below thelevel of mind….

This Yiddish fable, like all good legends, illus-trates an existential truth with allegory and allusion.The existential truth: deep within us, we already

Eureka!

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know all that we need to know. This knowledgestays embedded somewhere in our psyche, and it isour responsibility to rediscover this knowledgethrough our own effort and choice. When weaccess this knowledge, then, we have a sudden“eureka” moment because we have found what wealready knew to be true. When intuitive knowledgearrives, we—like Archimedes—immediately knowthat we have found the answer. We recognize thatthe insight is true, even though we have notprocessed it with our rational mind. We recognize itas true, even though it appeared as if from outsideourselves. We literally recognize the intuitive knowl-edge—we recognize, orremember.

Dr. Michael Ray, a pro-fessor at Stanford’s MBAprogram, teaches intuitionto business leaders. He hasdeveloped five truths about intuition that he hasfound can create powerful results when deliberatelyimplemented. His five truths are:

1. Intuition must be developed. Each of us hasintuition, but we must accept the responsibilityfor our individual style of intuition and its devel-opment. Although intuition is innate, for most ofus this faculty has been muted by our reliance


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The existential truth:deep within us, wealready know all thatwe need to know.


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on our intellect or emotions and requires thatwe consciously work to reengage it.

2. Intuition and reason are complementary.As Colin Powell wrote, reason and intuition arenot at odds but serve different, complementaryroles in the way that we receive and processinformation.

3. Intuition is unemotional. It pays attentionclearly to the most appropriate alternative,regardless of how we may feel about it (orwhose idea it may be). If there is ego-basedemotion or intellectual deliberation that accom-panies the insight, it is probably not intuition.

4. Intuition requires action. Follow-through iskey to successful use of intuition and requiresconsistent and deliberate effort. Intuition that isnot shared or implemented goes to waste.

5. Intuition is mistake-free. If we trust ourintuition, we will discover that it is alwaysaligned with the truth.

Successful people in any human endeavor relyon intuition for guidance. Note, though, that thereliance on intuition does not dismiss the need forintellectual investigation. It is important to reiteratethat these are not opposing faculties and that we are not “either-or” beings. We are not meant to dis-regard intellect, but rather to seamlessly embraceintuition and to use our intellect where it is most

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effective—in gathering and analyzing facts. PeterSenge, in The Fifth Discipline, captured this idea eloquently:

People with high levels of personal mastery donot set out to integrate reason and intuition.Rather, they achieve it naturally—as a by-product of their commitment to use all theresources at their disposal. They cannot affordto choose between reason and intuition—orhead and heart—any more than they wouldchoose to walk on one leg or see with one eye.

Intuition is one of the many arrows in our humanquiver. It is always available, if we have the commit-ment to listen to its wisdom and the discipline andhumility to accept and act upon its guidance.

I owe much of the insight on this subject to Lynn B.

Robinson’s excellent paper, Intuition in Business.


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For me, one of the pleasures and obligations of ageand experience is the opportunity to offer careeradvice to young people and to help them find a job.This is very personally rewarding because it allowsme to meet someone new, share what I’ve learned,and perhaps help another person in a substantialway. This is also professionally rewarding because itgives me a reason to call friends, colleagues, andclients who might be hiring and perhaps place some-one in a position that could, frankly, be advanta-geous to me and my company. I recently met with ayoung woman who was looking for an entry-leveljob, and we spoke at length, discussing variousoptions that she could pursue. During our conversa-tion, I asked her a standard “interview question” thatI have found reveals much about a person’s attitudesand aspirations (and is a question that I regularly askmyself):

SOMETHING CREATIVE

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“Putting aside any perceived limitations,” I said,“and allowing yourself to dream as big as you can,what would you most like to be doing for a livelihoodfive years from now?”

This is a huge, open-ended question thatrequires serious thought. Very quickly, though, sheanswered:

“I’m not exactly sure, but it would be somethingcreative.”

This was not an unusual response and is proba-bly what I would have answered 25 years ago when,at her age, my most fervent dream was to be anartist. I had a very romantic image of the life of anartist, and imagined myself in a shabby Soho loft,splattered with paint, standing before a large easel,valiantly suffering to birth painfully beautiful paint-ings that would shock and enlighten the world. Thiswas my young, dramatic notion of a creative life. Ofcourse, this is not how my life proceeded, and Icould never have imagined that 25 years later, I’d beworking for a large commercial real estate company,managing people and projects, tracking profit andloss sheets, and writing about issues of faith and reli-gion. This was certainly not my idea of doing some-thing creative! Now, though, I realize that my life isfilled with creative opportunities in ways that aredeeper, more nuanced, more challenging, and moresatisfying than my youthful limited perspective couldhave conceived.


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It is a common beliefthat creativity exists pri-marily in the realm of thearts. There is a glamourand status that surroundsthe idea of being creative,as though the “creativeperson” contributes some-thing of higher value thanthe average “worker.” Likeme, we may carry animage of the flamboyantgenius, working alone, driven by the compulsion tocreate, producing works of music, painting, or litera-ture that are at first condemned by the stifling pres-sure of convention, only later to be recognized asworks of transcendent vision.

Creativity, we may think, is limited to the fringeartistic elite. This view, though, is a caricature ofcreativity that is actually a relatively recent inven-tion, born from nineteenth-century Romanticismand its poetic conception of inspiration and genius.The etymology of the word “creativity” gives us aclearer insight into its deeper meaning. Its root is theLatin word creatus, which literally means “to havegrown.” Like gardening, creativity brings forth and

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I realize that my lifeis filled with creativeopportunities in waysthat are deeper, morenuanced, more chal-lenging, and moresatisfying than myyouthful limited per-spective could have conceived.


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nurtures something that already exists in itsessence—in its seed—which lays hidden, waiting forus to find it and help it break through the surface tobe revealed and to prosper. Creativity, then, is a nat-ural process, not a mysterious state bestowed uponthe gifted few.

The Bible opens with the words:

In the beginning God created the heavens andthe earth.

Creativity, the Bible tells us, is the first action of theDivine. That human beings are created in the“image” of God reminds us that our inherent impulseand highest calling is to create.

The creative process begins with a problem thatone desires to solve and leads to the search for asolution. A creative solution is paradoxically bothnew and familiar. When a creative solution is found,our reaction is to say, “Of course!,” as though wealways knew, even though we just experienced it forthe first time. Buckminster Fuller, the great dreamer,inventor, and philosopher, said of his process:

When I am working on a problem I never thinkabout beauty. I only think about how to solvethe problem. But when I have finished, if thesolution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

For Fuller, a solution is beautiful because it isobviously right, and it is right because it is obviouslybeautiful. In this light, creativity is certainly not lim-


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ited to the arts but includes any endeavor to discov-er an original, useful answer that lies beyond thatwhich is readily apparent. So, it is possible to be acreative policeman; a cre-ative scientist; a creativeparent; even (gasp!), a cre-ative businessperson.

For the last fewdecades, businesses havepublicly touted creativity.We’ve heard that success-ful people can “think out-side the box,” and we tooare encouraged to do so. There are many great com-panies that live this principle but, as many of us haveexperienced at some point in our careers, this princi-ple may be touted but not rewarded. Of course, it iseasy to blame the company, but if we honestly askourselves, “Was I truly trying to contribute to find-ing a solution, or was I looking for recognition,reward, or validation?” we might find a different cul-prit. This is because we may have only wanted to beperceived as being creative, which comes from feel-ings of personal need, instead of engaging in true cre-ative thinking, which transcends the individual’s ego,in search of a nonpersonal solution. Sincere creativ-ity, we must know, is almost always welcomed.

Psychologists have studied creativity in order tohelp understand how the creative process operates.

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The creative processbegins with a problemthat one desires tosolve and leads to thesearch for a solution.A creative solution isparadoxically bothnew and familiar.


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Most agree that the key indicator of a person’scapacity to be creative is the ability to quickly andconfidently generate many possible diverse solu-tions, regardless of existing conventional answers.Linus Pauling, the only person to win Nobel prizes intwo different fields, said:

The best way to have a good idea is to havelots of ideas.

The essential attribute of a creative person,Pauling notes, is flexibility. And it seems that thisability is innate. I read a study that found that theaverage child thinks of 60 alternatives for any givensituation. The study also found, however, that theaverage adult thinks of only 3–6 alternatives for thesame situations. Although many of the child’s ideasare fanciful, impractical, or unachievable, the childdoes not edit his responses and easily flows throughvarious ideas without taking them personally andwithout preconceived limitations.

How, then, did the freedom of creative child-hood become the limited thinking of the typical adultmind? The psychologist Abraham Maslow noted:

The key question isn’t “What fosters creativi-ty?” But it is why in God’s name isn’t everyonecreative? Where was the human potential lost?How was it crippled?

This crippling, it appears, attacks our flexibility.We slowly lose confidence in our own original ideasbecause we come to believe—or have been told—


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that we should not challenge accepted answers or,perhaps, that we are not capable of doing so. In theprocess, we diminish our natural ability to be cre-ative because we have limited our flexibility.

I recently heard an illuminating metaphor thatdescribes how we can visualize this dynamic andhelp regain our flexibility. I attended a business sem-inar lead by a “futurist,” who shared his vision of theway business will be conducted in the next decadeor so. He began by contrasting the current situationto the way business was conducted in the past:

“When the large companies of the eighteenthand nineteenth century were established,” he said,“the successful model was based on the idea of atrans-Atlantic voyage. Like this voyage, the businesswas created with a specific starting place and aknown final destination. A plan was developed toget from point A to point B, and a ship—the busi-ness organization—was built, led by an omnipotentcaptain who directed all the activities of the ship-mates, and whose word was law. He mapped thetrip, assigned responsibilities, and launched to sea.The ship was built to be powerful and sturdy, butwas not maneuverable or flexible because the desti-nation was known and course corrections were notanticipated, or welcomed.”

“Business today and in the future, however,” theinstructor said, “can’t operate this way. Technology,culture, and society change too quickly to allow for

Something Creative

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such a rigid approach. By the time this ship hasreached mid-ocean, the destination will have moved,changed, or vanished. The crew will become dissat-isfied, frustrated, and lose motivation. Inevitably, theship will run aground on an unexpected reef, or willsimply drift aimlessly at sea.”

“The new model,” he said, “is not a trans-Atlantic ship, but is, instead, a whitewater raft. Theworld changes so quickly that we must now navi-gate a river rapid whose twists, turns, and accelera-tions obscure our view, and we cannot see very farin front of us. We cannot see where the river ulti-mately leads, and we cannot predict what is aroundthe corner. In order to navigate such a river, we needto build a raft—the new business organization—tobe light, flexible, able to quickly change directions,and manned by a crew that can handle many differ-ent responsibilities and work together in a team. Atone moment, the oarsman in the right back mustguide the raft. At another, the one on the left front.They must communicate quickly, and adapt to thechanging situations. This model is not only muchmore effective than the old stodgy ship, it’s alsomore exciting! Now, of course,” the instructornoted, “you realize I am no longer talking only aboutbusiness.”

The whitewater raft is a model of creativitybecause the crew quickly and flexibly reacts tounexpected situations and the constant need to


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re-adjust the course. It is this inherent uncertainty—the need to find solutions in constant change—thatbuilds flexibility and fosters creative solutions.Through this process, the crew develops compe-tence, cooperation, communication, skill, confi-dence, and interdependency. This is what MartinLuther King referred to when he said:

Human salvation lies in the hands of the cre-atively maladjusted.

Those who creatively navigate life’s whitewaterchallenges will feel a deep sense of personal accom-plishment, which the sailors on the rigid ship, vainlyattempting to stay on a bleak, stagnant linear trip,could not feel. This is because when we areimmersed in true creativity, we feel powerfullyengaged, and when we glimpse a creative solution,we feel a wonderful flush of energy that is both pur-poseful and liberating. Creativity, seen from this per-spective, is our very nature and is available to us ineverything that we do. It is not limited to a few peo-ple or select endeavors. We do not need to seek it,aspire to it, or dream of one day “being creative” orhaving a “creative job.” We are creative when wefreely and flexibly manifest the accessible, endlessflow of creativity that imbues everything. And wecan do that right now.

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A friend, who is struggling to decide if he shouldstay in his current romantic relationship, asked if Iwould speak about the topic of commitment. I spentseveral days pondering the topic, asking myself suchquestions as:

• What do we mean when we say “I am com-mitted to such and such?”

• Is a commitment a vow to stay involved with something—like a community, marriage,or job—and to never leave, in spite of circumstances?

• Is commitment simply a feeling that stems fromthe belief that something is important to us,and therefore we feel attached to it in someway?

DO YOU MEAN IT?

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• Are there obligations that go along with a com-mitment, and are there ways to measurewhether we are fulfilling these obligations?

• Does the object of our commitment have anyobligations to us?

• Are there circumstances in which it is appropri-ate to terminate the commitment?

• And finally, how do we decide what is worthyof our commitment?

These are not simple or light questions, to besure. After several days of pondering these difficultquestions, I could not find a point-of-entry to thistopic that felt interesting, informative, personal, andtrue. I had only distilled the term commitment to thisdry definition: “a duty or pledge to something orsomeone.” Nothing new or interesting there. As Iwas ready to shelve this topic for another time andconsider a different subject for the upcomingMonday morning meeting, I decided to focus for amoment on what seemed to be the most importantof the questions: “How do we decide what is wor-thy of our commitment?”This is the key question, itseemed to me, because wemay believe that if wecommit to the wrong thingor person, all our dedica-tion and energy might bewasted.


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“How do we decidewhat is worthy of ourcommitment?”


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Perhaps this explains “commitment phobia.” Weall know a person with this condition: one who isunwilling to commit (say, to a relationship or career)for fear that he may someday discover that he hasmade a mistake and that other options may havebeen better choices. Because of this fear, such a per-son drifts from one thing to another and from oneperson to another. Without commitment, he willnever establish rewarding relationships with others.Without commitment, he will never undertake any-thing truly important, lasting, or rewarding.Ultimately, without commitment, his life won’t havesignificant meaning.

The deceptively simple answer to the question,“How do we decide what is worthy of our commit-ment?” then, is that we must commit to somethingthat is meaningful—something that gives us a senseof purpose. Meaning and purpose—now that’s aninteresting aspect of commitment worthy of explo-ration! Certainly the most basic of all philosophicalquestions are: “Why am I here?”“What is the mean-ing of my life?” and “What is the purpose for my timeon earth?” Try as we might to ignore these essentialquestions, as human beings we seem to have aninnate desire to find the answers. We crave meaningand purpose.

The best-selling book in the world in 2003,2004, and 2005 was a small devotional book that

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addressed this human craving for meaning and pur-pose. Titled The Purpose Driven Life, this book hassold over 25 million copies and is the best-sellinghardback book in American history. Written byChristian minister Rick Warren, this book provides a40-day process to help readers identify and live theirown purpose. The title of the first chapter, What onEarth Am I Here For?, indicates the book’s loftyambition. Warren preaches a powerful, essential,and resonant message: We are here for a purpose. Itis through commitment to this purpose, Warrenargues, that we lead meaningful, rewarding, fulfilling,and helpful lives.

This idea, that we thrive when we have com-mitted to a meaningful purpose, is not a new one. Inthe 1950s, psychologist Viktor Frankl built a newbranch of psychotherapy around the notion thatmental health is a result of living a life dedicated tomeaning. Frankl was a concentration camp prisonerwho survived by finding meaning in his life, even inthe midst of incomprehensible despair, inhumanity,brutality, torture, and death. In his book, Man’sSearch for Meaning, Frankl explains the origins of hisapproach:

At the beginning of human history, man lostsome of the basic animal instincts in which ananimal’s behavior is imbedded, and by which itis secured. Such security, like Paradise, is closedto man forever; man has to make choices. Inaddition to this, however, man has suffered


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another loss in his more recent developmentinasmuch as the traditions which buttressed hisbehavior are now rapidly diminishing. Noinstinct tells what he has to do, and no traditiontells him what he ought to do; sometimes hedoes not even know what he wishes to do.Instead, he either wishes to do what other peo-ple do (conformism) or he does what other peo-ple wish him to do (totalitarianism).

Frankl believed, therefore, that we must con-sciously choose to discover and commit to a purposebeyond our desire for conformity or subservience.Frankl taught that only by committing to “The Willto Meaning” can we lead healthy lives. Frankl’s men-tor, the famous psychologist and philosopher CarlJung, made a similar observation in the 1920s:

About one-third of my cases are suffering fromno clinically definable neurosis, but from thesenselessness and emptiness of their lives. Thiscan be described as the general neurosis of ourtime.

How do we discover our purpose and committo a meaningful life? Frankly, there does not seem tobe a quick answer to this question. Warren, Frankl,Jung, and others who have embraced meaningfulpurpose as life’s goal have all made the same obser-vation: We each have our own unique and individualpurpose, and the discovery of that purpose is ourlife’s journey, for which we must take personalresponsibility. There is a clue, however, that might

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help point us in the right direction. Warren refers toThe Purpose Driven Life as an “anti self-help book.”He makes this clear in the very first sentence, bystating bluntly, “It’s not about you.” Here, then, isthe paradoxical truth: In order to find personalmeaning and purpose, we must first learn to put ourown personal needs aside.

In case you are tempted to think this is simply anabstract spiritual process with little or no real-worldapplication, all you need to do is read the book thatseems to be on every successful businessperson’sbookshelf: Good to Great by Jim Collins. In thisbook, Collins presents the findings of his in-depth,five-year investigation on what makes companiesgreat. He investigated companies that routinelygrow at rates far in excess of the market and providesuperior products and services. Collins discoveredthat great begins at the top—with the company’sleader—and outlines the qualities of successful lead-ers by ranking them on a scale of 1–5. The Level 1leader is the “Highly Capable Individual” who“makes productive contributions through talent,knowledge, skills, and good work habits.” This is thelowest-level leader—one who competently does hisor her job, and that’s it. At the top is the Level 5Executive—the “Great Leader.” Collins describessuch an individual:


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Level 5 leaders channel their ego away fromthemselves and into a larger goal of building agreat company. It’s not that Level 5 leadershave no ego or self-interest. Indeed, they areincredibly ambitious—but their ambition is firstand foremost for the institution, not themselves.

For the great leader, then, it’s not about them—it’s about their purpose. This mirrors Warren’s open-ing statement, “It’s not about you.” Collins also notesthat these leaders create committed nurturing rela-tionships with their teams and that these leaders staycommitted to their purpose through the inevitablechallenges and naysayers. Frankl discovered the sameessential truth and describes three principles that helpus to get outside of ourselves in order to direct ustoward a life of purpose and meaning:

1. We must commit to create something or dosomething.

2. We must commit to loving relationships withothers.

3. We must commit to accepting the unavoidablesuffering that is an inevitable part of life.

Frankl’s process sounds very simple but containsthe essential array of commitments. With these, wenaturally find meaning because we discover thatmeaning and purpose actually arise from commit-ment to positive action, to love, and to life, in all itsunfolding. Commitment energizes and sustains our

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search for purpose and meaning, which increasescommitment, enriching meaning, and deepening oursense of purpose. This is our fondest yearning.Harold Kushner, in When All You Ever Wanted Is NotEnough, beautifully sums this up :

Our souls are hungry for meaning, for thesense that we have figured out how to live sothat our lives matter, so that the world will beat least a little different for our having passedthrough it.


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There was once a philosophy professor whoopened each class by reminding his students that thetrue test of any philosophical belief is whether thatbelief is itself paradoxical. In other words, the beliefmust be internally self-contradictory. This is a diffi-cult concept to grasp, so one of his studentsapproached a math professor and asked if he couldexplain this puzzling teaching. The math professorcame to the next class, and as the philosophy pro-fessor was about to begin, stood and asked,

“Sir, do you really believe that all truth is basedon paradox?”

The philosophy professor scratched his head andthoughtfully answered,

“Well, yes… and no.”

I’d like to offer such a paradoxical statement bythe ancient Greek philosopher Heraclitus:

There is nothing permanent except change.

YOU’RE FINISHED!

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Change is inevitable. The very workings of theUniverse and of all life is based on change. As we cur-rently understand it, the Universe itself began withthe most massive change imaginable: an infinitelyparadoxical (how can something emerge from noth-ing?), infinitely hot, infinitely fast explosion from aninfinitely small particle that resulted in the creation ofall time and matter. Since that moment, 15 billionyears ago, everything has been in constant change.Matter coalesces into stars and planets and developsinto life, as the Universe continues to expand towardan unknowable, incredibly distant future. All life aswe know it is based on change, since all growth is aproduct of change. Cells are born, grow, and die, asnew ones take their place. Without change, there isno life because without change, there is no growth.The process of evolution is based on the notion thatperiodic, often dramatic changes occur, leading to thecreation of new, more advanced species that furtherthe progress of intelligence and diversity. CharlesDarwin himself noted this succinctly:

It is not the strongest of the species that sur-vives, nor the most intelligent, but the one mostresponsive to change.

Change, then, is built into the very fabric of ourexistence. And the opposite of change is decay, andultimately, death. Benjamin Franklin cleverly stated(a century before Darwin):

When you’re finished changing, you’re finished.


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Although change is inevitable and is the vehiclefor growth and progress, it is important to note thatthere are different types of change. First, there arethe expected changes that routinely occur in ourlives: the change of seasons, the aging of our bodies,the growth of our children, minor illnesses, wear andtear of our possessions, and the ubiquitous late trainand traffic jam that changes our schedule. Thesechanges usually occur slowly, with some level ofpredictability. For most of us, these changes areanticipated, and we face them with a mixture ofhumor, frustration, and resignation, depending uponour inclination and the nature of the change.

Second, there are the sudden, dramatic, orunexpected changes that can seem to come out ofnowhere, catch us unprepared, or shake our senseof security. These can be changes that we perceiveas good, such as the birth of a child, marriage, a newjob, a new house in a new city, or our children’s grad-uations; and changes that we usually perceive asbad, such as being fired from a job, experiencing adivorce, losing a longtime friendship, or, God forbid,the passing of a friend or family member. Whetherwe perceive these changes as good or bad, they aredifficult and can produce stress and anxiety.

This second kind of change is usually the typethat we struggle with and that can cause us pain.Such changes can be frightening, intimidating, andunsettling. Many of us avoid these changes, or we

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may hunker down, pretend that nothing is happen-ing, and hope that it will pass over us and go away.“Why is this happening to me?” we may ask. Ormaybe we complain, “I didn’t see this one coming.How come things can’t stay the same as theywere?” In his groundbreaking book, The Road LessTraveled, psychiatrist M. Scott Peck points out thatthe reason this type of change is so difficult for manyof us is because these changes force us out of ourcomfort zone and require us to rethink the internalmap that we’ve created for how we think things areand ought to be.

This rethinking can be very painful because itmay result in the conclusion that some of our dearlyheld beliefs may need modification, or outright rejec-tion. It can also be painful because it may require usto have the discipline and energy to address thechange and to fight our inherent laziness and aver-sion to action. In either case, such changes force usto look inward and to make an honest assessment ofour beliefs and our habits, and to accept the basicfact that everything will inevitably change. As themid-twentieth century Zen Buddhist priest ShunryuSuzuki taught:

Without accepting the fact that everythingchanges, we cannot find perfect composure.But unfortunately, although it is true, it is dif-ficult for us to accept it. Because we cannotaccept the truth of transience, we suffer.


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Because change is not only inevitable, but is, infact, the essential vehicle for growth, how do weembrace the sudden, dramatic, and often unexpect-ed changes? As Peck noted, we must have the con-fidence and strength to look at the situation as hon-estly as possible, assess where previously held beliefsare keeping us from growing, and muster the energyto implement a new course of action. In essence,these external changes result in our own internalchange and are the catalysts for personal growth.We all know people (and we may be one ourselves)who faced an unexpected event that was complete-ly unwelcome when it occurred, but who now lookback on that event as a key turning point in theirlives. Through addressing this event, that personexperienced growth that might not have happenedotherwise. This is what is meant by the famous,often-quoted truism:

As a door closes, a window opens.

Although it may be a tight squeeze, by goingthrough that window, we discover a landscape ofpossibilities that we may never had known existed ifthe same old door that we had been walking throughall of our lives had not suddenly been closed. In thislight, change is a gift that presents opportunity forgrowth.

Last week, my wife and I rewatched one of herfavorite movies, Parenthood, the 1989 comedy aboutthe challenges of raising children. This movie follows

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the lives of several genera-tions of one family andshows different attitudesand styles of parenting.One of the parents, playedby Steve Martin, is a manwho is devoted to his wifeand children. He tries hardto meet their various phys-ical and psychologicalneeds and is alert to theneed to balance his responsibilities at work and athome. In spite of all his efforts, though, he cannotcontrol the changes that happen around him. Finally,in a fit of frustration, he cries,

“I don’t have choices, only obligations!”His unflappable live-in grandmother overhears

his outburst and calmly says to him, “Some people like the merry-go-round. I always

preferred the roller coaster. It’s more exciting.”At the time, he has no idea what she means and

dismisses her comment as an unintelligible senioroutburst. By the end of the movie, after all hisimages of how his life should be collapse, he under-stands her advice. He learns that life is inevitablyfilled with the unexpected roller coaster drops, turns,


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Changes force us tolook inward and tomake an honestassessment of ourbeliefs and ourhabits, and to acceptthe basic fact thateverything willinevitably change.


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accelerations, and climbs, and that although he canprefer that things keep going around in an expectedway, not only is this not realistic, it’s no fun! Whenhe lets go of the need to control change, and sees lifeas an ever-changing thrill ride, he and his family beginto relax, and each one prospers in their own specificway.

It is important to point out that not all changesare to be embraced and encouraged. Change mustbe approached maturely and sensitively, with a focuson positive growth. Certainly it is not good tochange jobs, careers, houses, or spouses every year.Such constant change is an avoidance of responsibil-ity and commitment. Often, when it is within ourhands, stability should be encouraged. There arealso events that happen to us that seem to have noready explanation or redeeming purpose and fromwhich the best we can do is try to endure. But whenwe embrace the inevitable changes in our lives, wecan grow in new, exciting, rewarding directions thatwe never could have planned. The final word on theparadox of change, which is attributed to St. Francisof Assisi, contains the simple, powerful prayer:

God grant me the serenity to accept the thingsI cannot change, the courage to change thethings I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I owe much of the insight in this chapter to my wife,Shirona.

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In the previous chapter, titled “You’re Finished,” Imentioned that, in some way, all profound truths areinherently paradoxical. The example given was,“The only constant is change.” Of course, there aremany other well-known paradoxes, such as, “Onlyby giving to others do we ultimately receive.” Or“The more we know, the more we know we don’tknow.” Or “The best way to heal our egos is to prac-tice letting go of the needs of the ego.” These arecomplex universal truths. If we look carefully, wediscover that even truth itself is inherently paradoxi-cal. Simply stated:

Truth itself is absolutely objective, andabsolutely subjective.

This is perhaps the ultimate paradox because thetruth, we may believe, is ultimately fixed, measura-ble, and knowable: The Earth orbits the Sun,

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George Washington was America’s first president, Iwas born in Brooklyn, five times five equals twenty-five. We know that we should tell the truth. Weknow that we should not lie because lying leads tocorruption, damaged relationships, and spiritualdecline. This is all absolutely correct. “Don’t lie”(bear false witness) is one of the TenCommandments, along with the other moral com-mandments, such as “don’t murder” and “don’tsteal.” On the other hand, we know that there aremany things that were considered true in the pastthat we now know to be false (gee, the earth sureseemed flat!). We also know that something that isabsolutely true to one person is often another’s pref-erence, falsehood, or myth. Finally, we might havediscovered that there are times in which tellingsome, or all, of the truth, as we perceived it, shouldbe avoided. So we are left with two questions:“What is truth?” and “What is the moral imperativeto tell the truth?”

These questions havebeen at the essence of aphilosophical debate begun2,500 years ago by thegreat Greek philosophers.They believed, quite


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We might have dis-covered that there aretimes in which tellingsome, or all, of thetruth, as we perceivedit, should be avoided.


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reasonably, that we say something is true when ourknowledge of it corresponds to the measurable factof the thing. Thomas Aquinas, the medievalChristian theologian, reiterated that truth is simply“the conformity of the intellect to the thing.” Laterphilosophers argued, however, that truth is, in reali-ty, often fluid and nuanced. Perhaps something isonly known to be true, they said, when it is agreedto be so by a majority of people or when it address-es the higher good of society as a whole. Truth, oth-ers argued, actually varies dramatically from personto person depending on cultural upbringing or incli-nation. Of course, the Earth remains in orbit aroundthe Sun, but my individual experiences and percep-tions create a personal reality that may have little incommon with any general consensus or with anyoneelse’s reality. Now, quantum physics seems to havefound that, at the most fundamental level, time andmatter only come into existence when an observerparticipates in the process of creation. The perspec-tive of the observer colors the object and eventbeing viewed, creating a subjective reality that, tothe observer, appears as an objective truth.

Now we return to the original questions: “Canwe define truth?” and “How should we tell thetruth?” Consider the following scenes:

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Scene 1(Feel free to reverse roles/genders or modify the

details to match your experience.)

It is evening. You are at home, sitting alone onthe sofa. Your wife comes down the stairs andhurries over to you. You notice that she iswearing a new dress and that there is a big,happy grin on her face. “Honey,” she callsexcitedly, “don’t you love this new dress?” Sheswivels slowly, so you can get a good look.When she turns to you for your opinion, youscan the dress and honestly answer, “I don’tlike it. The color is too dark, the print is fussy,and it doesn’t fit you well. As a matter of fact,I don’t really care for most of the clothing inyour wardrobe.” The grin quickly vanishesfrom her face. You spend the night sleepingalone on that sofa.

Consider this alternate ending:

When she turns to you for your opinion, youlook at her, and see how happy she is—thewoman that you love—and you honestlyanswer. “I have never seen you look so beauti-ful, sweetheart. You look wonderful.” Her smilebroadens. You arrive to work late the nextmorning, tired but happy.

Scene 2(And, as before, feel free to modify the details to

match your experience.)

You arrive 15 minutes late to a business meet-ing with a client because you needed to answer


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an important phone call, which you receivedjust as you were ready to leave for the meeting.Your client asks, “What kept you?” You look athim and honestly answer, “Another client witha much bigger project than yours called, and Idecided it was better to be late to your meetingthan to miss her call. And, by the way, shepays her bills faster than you do.” The clientexcuses himself to make a phone call to yourboss. You begin updating your resume.

Consider this alternate ending:

Your client stands up and asks, “What keptyou?” You look at him and notice that he isanxious and concerned—a client who needsyour help—and you honestly answer: “Pleaseforgive me. I’m sorry to have kept you waiting.Something unexpected came up as I was leav-ing that needed my attention. Now, how can Ihelp you?” You listen carefully as he explainshis issue. You stay late to help him resolve hisproblem. Later, you ponder how to spend yourlarger-than-expected bonus.

In these examples, truth was viewed from differ-ent angles. Of course, no one (we hope) would be soblunt as to answer according to the first endings, butthese first answers were, in fact, the truth. So werethe reconsidered answers. There’s the paradox. Inboth endings, you tell the truth, but with very differ-ent intents and results. The difference is the choicethat you make. Is this to say that truth is always sub-jective? As stated at the beginning, the answer must

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be yes and no. Unless one is a criminal, we can allagree that lying is wrong. People devoted to human-ity must agree that murder and stealing are absolute-ly wrong. We must agree that freedom and healthare good, and slavery and abuse are bad. On theother hand, horrific wars of political ideology andintransigent theology waged by opposing sides—each convinced that their side is true—teach us thatabsolute certainty can be very dangerous and mustbe challenged. To believe that there is no absolutetruth, though, can be as dangerous as to believe thatthere is only one truth to which you adhere. Butwithout a belief in absolute truth, morality is merelya temporary, convenient agreement. This can makeyour head spin!

How can we navigate this complex reality? Asthe earlier scenes demonstrated, we must be carefulhow, when, and why we speak a truth. In the firstapproach, you bluntly and coldly tell your truth ofthe situation, without thought to the feelings of theother person or the consequences of your words.The result is hurtful to the other, detrimental to you,and does not serve any larger purpose. In the recon-sidered answers, you are equally devoted to thetruth. This is not ingratiating or pandering. Theanswers were absolutely true, but before speaking,you consciously elevated yourself to a highertruth—a truth that encompasses the needs of the


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other, that sees the situation from a broader per-spective, and that creates positive results.

This is the objective and subjective paradox oftruth. The resolution is found in the dedication toseeking, speaking, and acting on a unified truth thatis both personally sincere, yet sensitive to others,promoting spiritual development for all. In his book,You Shall Be Holy, Joseph Telushkin lists severalinstances in which we should be silent or when ourimpulse to tell the blunt truth may be put aside inorder to serve a higher purpose:

• To prevent future harm (when your life oranother’s is at stake).

• To right a wrong or past wrong done to you(when dealing with a dishonest person).

• To prevent unnecessarily hurting someone’sfeelings.

• To create peace or do good (smoothing overconflicts between friends or lying to a poor per-son so that he will accept charity).

• To maintain privacy (not telling personal detailsthat embarrass you or another).

• To make a point or elucidate an opinion (con-sciously using allegory or exaggeration to illumi-nate an idea).

If we agree that the pursuit of truth is essentialand that telling the truth is a noble endeavor, we are

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called to continually struggle to find our way, tochallenge our position, and to speak the highesttruth from the loftiest perspective. We learn thatthere are instances in which we must question ourpreconceived sense of what’s true and allow roomfor another person’s views and feelings to enter. Thisis a difficult challenge and defies simple, readyanswers. But, of course, nobody said that paradoxesare easy.


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Consider the following scenarios:

Scenario 1: A new potential client calls to askyou to come in for an interview for a significantproject. You are currently providing similarservices to another company that is their directcompetition. You believe that the new potentialclient does not know about this, and you sus-pect that if they knew, they might not hire you.You tell yourself:

“Since our work is confidential, it is unlikelythat either side will ever know. Besides, workingfor competing companies is standard practice inthe market today.”

Should you go to the interview?

Scenario 2: You work for a small company andare responsible for procuring construction servic-es. You recently received bids from several con-tractors and are reviewing their numbers. Amongthe bidders is a company whose president is aprofessional acquaintance, and his bid is slightlyabove the lowest bidder. You had been hoping to

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build a relationship with this person because youfeel that it would be good for your career, andyou have even been considering approaching thisperson about a job. You tell yourself:

“I know that they will do good work. Plus, theirbid wasn’t that much higher anyway.”

No one will question your decision. Whoshould you hire?

Scenario 3: You specialize in working on largecorporate headquarters projects, and yourecently received a request for proposal from amajor company who manufactures a productthat you believe is detrimental to the public’shealth. This project is right up your alley,though, and would supply enough fees to meetyour revenue targets, and perhaps even allowyou to add new staff. You have been teachingyour children about the dangers of this compa-ny’s product, but this is an enormous opportu-nity. You tell yourself:

“Who am I to judge what my clients do? I needthis project, and, besides, if I don’t take thisjob, someone else will.”

Do you answer the proposal?

You may have found some of these scenarios tobe familiar, or perhaps you have struggled with simi-lar dilemmas. Chances are, though, that you havebeen exposed to the common factor that all thesescenarios share: They pose conflicts of interest. Thefirst is a professional conflict, the second is a person-al conflict, and the third is a moral conflict.


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A conflict of interest can be defined as:

A situation in which someone in a position oftrust has competing professional or personalinterests. Such competing interests can make itdifficult to fulfill his or her duties impartially.

In this post-Enron, Sarbanes-Oxley era, mostcompanies have implemented codes of ethics thataddress such conflicts of interest and spell outappropriate responses to specific conflicts, alongwith repercussions for failure to comply—rangingfrom reprimand to termination and criminal investi-gation. This has raised the awareness of these issuesand has increased due diligence to make sure thatsuch conflicts are avoided.

I’ve looked at several “conflict of interest” poli-cies in preparation for these remarks and have foundthat many of the conflicts of interest discussed areobviously immoral, unethical, or illegal. Does a politi-cian really need to be told that it’s wrong to receivepersonal gifts from lobbyists? Does a lawyer reallyneed to be told that it’s wrong to represent a partywith interests adverse to those of a current client?Does a businessperson really need to be told that it’swrong to share company secrets for personal gain orto hire an unqualified friend or family member?Other examples, though, like the ones I gave in thebeginning, may not have such obvious answers. Sowhat do we do when such unclear conflicts arise?

The typical responses to conflicts of interestusually involve one of the following three actions:

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1. Removal2. Recusal3. Disclosure

You can simply remove the conflict by setting up amechanism in which the conflict no longer exists, youcan recuse yourself from participating in the conflict,or you can openly disclose the conflict and let theinvolved parties decide how to proceed. All of theseactions have one crucial element in common: They allbegin with the recognition that a conflict exists andthat it must be addressed honestly and openly. Theyalso begin with the desireto be honest and to tell thetruth about the conflict ofinterest.

But why do we need tobe told to be honest? Why ishonesty often so difficult?In the preceding examples, honesty seems to be at oddswith financial success. If the first person discloses thathe is working for the competitor, he may not win thejob. If the second person gives the job to the low bidder(or recuses himself from the decision), she may missthe opportunity to advance her career. If the third per-son turns down the job for moral reasons, he may haveto reduce his staff or miss making his revenue target.Honesty seems to be at war with winning and success.It’s like the cartoon image of the man with an angel on


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one shoulder and a devil on the other, each whisperingin his ear. In this cartoon, the man ultimately kicks theangel to the curb because the other voice offers moretangible reward and satisfaction.

Is this a real model, though? Are honesty andsuccess actually at odds? Consider any people thatyou respect and trust, whether in your personal orbusiness life. Undoubtedly, the significant character-istic of these people is honesty. You trust and respectthem because you know that you can rely on themto tell you the truth. We have all read of “flashes-in-the-pan”—those who made quick fortunes but weresoon discovered to have cut corners, made back-room deals, or to have cheated outright. These peo-ple quickly fade because their credibility is under-mined by their unscrupulous actions. People whoconsistently and clearly tell the truth, however, buildtrust, which results in a good reputation, whichbegets new and repeat clients, which increases busi-ness, which accumulates success and wealth.

Spiritual teachings recognize this mechanism:that honesty ultimately leads to success. The Bookof Proverbs, the collection of wisdom teachingsabout living a good life, states:

Truthful lips endure forever, but a lying tonguelasts only a moment…The hand of the diligentwill rule, but deceit will melt.

A lie may bring short-term results, but it is onlythrough the commitment to truth that long-termsuccess is built. This spiritual teaching directly links

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honesty to success and provides the simple answerto conflicts of interest: Tell the truth. It may meanturning away the immediate financial reward, but itwill keep you out of trouble, and practiced with dili-gence, honest disclosure will actually lead to futureprosperity.

The question remains: Why be tempted toengage in conflicts of interest? Why not simply tellthe truth? As the scenarios at the beginning of thischapter pointed out, the truth may not always bereadily apparent. We can all too easily play mindgames; convince ourselves that there is no conflict,that it’s okay to follow a path that we suspect maynot be honest. “Everyone else does it,” we maythink, or maybe we’ll convince ourselves that it’s notreally all that bad. The conflict of interest is essen-tially between honesty and deceit. Here, we findthat the commitment to truth must start with thecourage to deeply examine our motives and ask our-selves if we are being, first and foremost, honest toourselves. This requires the strength to look square-ly at the answer, face our own inclination to deny ordistort our intentions, and the confidence to knowthat honesty is indeed the best policy.

Confucius, in his usual pithy, wise, and briefmanner, sharply sums up this subject by noting:

The object of the superior person is truth.

I owe much of the insight in this message to my friendand colleague, Marcus Raynor.


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I have a confession. A few weeks ago, I made amistake—a real honest-to-goodness screw-up. I tolda client that, based on my recent experiences on asimilar project, an important piece of equipment thatis needed for their project would require a nine-month lead time, putting its delivery well beyond theproject deadline. Based on this advice, the clientbecame very concerned, passed my information tohis boss, and we began to look for other options thatcould meet their goals. A week later, though, Ireceived a call from the general contractor, who toldme that he researched the issue and found that thispiece of equipment can actually be delivered in fourmonths, well within the project schedule. This wasgood for the project, but frustrating for the client,and personally embarrassing for me.

I don’t know about you, but when I make a mistake, whether it’s at work (like the preceding

HEY, YOU SCREWED UPAGAIN!

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example), at home, at sports, or, I must admit, prac-tically anywhere, my first reaction is often to be veryharsh on myself. “You screwed up again!” that innervoice yells. “You should have known better! Howcould you have done that?” In the words of the greatlate-twentieth century existential philosopher,Britney Spears:

Oops, I did it again!

Another great philosopher addressed this issue3,000 years earlier in The Book of Ecclesiastes,when the author—traditionally identified as KingSolomon—says,

No one is so perfect that he has never sinned.

This seems to be a very obvious statement (anyperfect people here?), but this is a necessary startingpoint as an acknowledgment of the basic truth thatwe all know: Everyone makes mistakes.

But wait a minute, the text says “sin,” not “mis-take.” Isn’t there a big difference between thesewords? The word sin often carries the connotationof a deliberate religious or spiritual transgression,whereas mistake is a mundane term that refers toeveryday unintentional human error. This is only anEnglish distinction, however, because in Hebrew—the language of Ecclesiastes—the word for sin, chait(the “ch” is pronounced as an “h” sound from theback of the throat), literally means missing the mark.In other words, a sin occurs when we do not aim our


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intentions and actions at the right target, or whenwe do want to aim correctly but are off target inwhat we do and say. The original intention of theword “sin” is actually very close in meaning to a mis-take, or a wrong action.

What mark or take, though, are we missing? Isthe mark perfection? Ecclesiastes emphaticallyanswers “no.” As human beings, we will inevitablymake mistakes. The target is the acceptance of ourbasic humanness; that although we are fallible, wewere given the ability to grow through the consciouschoices that we make, and that we are created inthe image of the Divine, capable of grace, kindness,compassion, and the experience of transcendence.

What do we do, then, when a mistake occurs?Are mistakes simply inevitable nuisances that mustbe accepted and endured? With experience andguidance, we discover that mistakes can, in fact,often be turned around and transformed into a pos-itive growth experiences. When properly handled,mistakes provide a means to identify areas that needattention, improve our skills, deepen our relation-ships, and open new avenues that may have other-wise remained hidden. There are many famousexamples of such turn-arounds, from Columbusaccidentally discovering the New World whilesearching for a trade route to the East, to Edison’sdiscovery of the correct light bulb filament afterthousands of “mistakes.”

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While recently watch-ing a TV show on theHistory Channel, I learnedof a wonderful mistakethat resulted in a productthat almost everyone willknow. In 1943, RichardJames, a naval engineer,was conducting an experi-ment to create tension springs to absorb equipmentimpact in ships. His spring was a failure and buckledunder the machine stress. During one experiment,though, the spring jumped from the table, fell to thefloor, sprung to a nearby stair, and to James’s amaze-ment, it began to “walk” down the stair by itself.James showed this to his wife, who immediatelyrecognized an idea for a toy in her husband’s failedtension spring. The toy debuted in 1945 at Gimbel’sDepartment Store in Philadelphia. Since then, morethan 300 million of James’s failed naval tensionsprings, the iconic Slinky, have sold worldwide.

So instead of yelling at ourselves, “Hey, youscrewed up again!” we can see a mistake as anopportunity for growth. Most wisdom traditions and effective business practices, not to mentioncommon sense, have a system for facilitating this


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With experience andguidance, we discoverthat mistakes can, infact, often be turnedaround and trans-formed into a positivegrowth experience.


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transformation. Buddhists call this process, “turningarrows in to flower petals,” or “turning poison intogood food.” Judaism calls this process t’shuvah,which literally means “returning;” returning to theawareness of who we are through re-aiming at theright target. This process begins with an essentialfirst step: Take responsibility! Recognize and admitthat a mistake has been made, and avoid attemptingto hide it, deny it, or blame others. Without thisessential first step, the process stalls, and we closeourselves off to any growth potential.

After taking this crucial internal first step—accepting responsibility without self-blame andwithout blaming others—the next step is a veryphysical one: We must fix the mistake. This mayrequire anything from a simple apology, to monetarycompensation, or a dramatic change in our behavior.After this, we must determine to learn from the mis-take and not repeat it in the future. When thisprocess is followed, the inevitable mistake can beembraced and even viewed as a positive experience.To drive home the point, here are a few famousquotes about the nature of mistakes:

Oscar Wilde: Experience is simply the namewe give our mistakes.

Mahatma Gandhi: Freedom is not worth hav-ing if it does not include the freedom to makemistakes.


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Albert Einstein: Anyone who has never madea mistake has never tried anything new.

George Bernard Shaw: While one personhesitates because he feels inferior, the other isbusy making mistakes and becoming superior.

By now, you may be wondering: How did mymistake turn out? After deciding to stop beatingmyself up for having made a mistake, I called thecontractor, and we met to review the information hefound. We then developed a joint approach toinform the client, who was actually very relievedand grateful that we found an answer to his prob-lem. He also said that he appreciated that we wereworking as a team and that we candidly identified aproblem and fixed it. Now, my relationship isstronger with the contractor, the owner has seen aproblem-solving process in action, and you can besure that before mentioning lead times in this volatileequipment market, I will more thoroughly researchthe issue in advance.

In retrospect, this was a very small mistake—aminor sin—(I’ve made bigger mistakes, of course,but my boss might be reading this) but the processworked. Now, of course, we should try to avoidmistakes whenever possible. But when theinevitable mistake does occur, instead of shouting toourselves, “You screwed up again!” or, conversely,telling ourselves that this is not our fault, or someoneelse is to blame, and that there is nothing to be done


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to fix it, we can use this simple process to repair thedamage, learn from it, and move forward. Imaginetaking this process into your most difficult businessdeals, your most intimate personal relationships, orperhaps even with the stranger on the train, onwhose toe you inadvertently stepped.


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Over the last 15 years or so I have participated inmany religious classes, retreats, and personal devel-opment workshops, in search of transformationalspiritual insights and practices that I can teach andput to use. In retrospect, one of the most powerfulspiritual lessons that I’ve learned, though, came froma business management seminar that I attended sev-eral years ago. The focus of this seminar was theusual material that one would expect: ways toincrease productivity, control costs, exceed clientexpectations, and improve the work product.Toward the end of the seminar the instructor sud-denly made an unexpected remark:

“In spite of where you attended college, whatyou do for a living, or your position in your compa-ny, you are all graduates from MSU—Making StuffUp (well, she didn’t actually use the word “Stuff ”).

MAKING STUFF UP

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Most of you walk around thinking that you knowwhat’s happening, that you comprehend the dynam-ics of a situation, and that you understand why peo-ple do what they do. You act on these premises andthink that you are simply responding to the eventsand people around you. I will guarantee to you,though, that most of this is not as objective as youmay think and that, in fact, most of it is stuff thatyou made up.”

To demonstrate this, the instructor asked ayoung man sitting in the front row to come up onstage. She asked him to imagine that he was a new,entry-level employee at a large company where she(the instructor) was the CEO.

“Now, imagine,” she said, “that we are about topass each other in a corridor. When we pass I’d likeyou to say ‘Good morning, Ms. Jones.’ That’s it.”

The two went to opposite ends of the stage andwalked toward each other. As they passed, theyoung man said,

“Good morning, Ms. Jones.”The instructor looked straight ahead, kept walk-

ing, and said nothing. After a moment, she askedhim,

“Okay, how did that make you feel?”“Lousy,” he said.“Why?” she asked.“Because you deliberately ignored me,” he said.


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“I deliberately ignored you? Why do you thinkthat?” she asked.

“Because you didn’t even respond when I said‘hello,’” he answered.

“And why do you think that I didn’t respond?”she prompted him.

“Probably because you think that you are animportant person and I’m not” he said, now, visiblyupset. “You acted as though I didn’t even exist. Asthough you are better than me.”

“But you just assumed my reason for notanswering is because I think I’m better than you,”she said. “What if I told you that I’m hard of hearing,or that I’m shy around new people, or that I didn’tremember your name and was embarrassed, or that,heaven forbid, something terrible had happened inmy personal life and I was distracted. There aredozens of possible reasons why I didn’t say ‘hi,’ yetyou assumed it was because I thought little of you.Now you are angry and frustrated, and you made itall up! You demonstrated MSU in action.”

We do all seem to be graduates of MSU. Howoften have you seen an event, quickly determinedthe motives of those involved, passed judgment, andleft feeling angry, hurt, or disappointed? How oftenhave you looked back on these events, only to real-ize that you were wrong? The stranger who youthought was arrogant actually turned out to be avery nice guy with a dry sense of humor; the friend

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who didn’t respond to your email actually got a newaddress and never received it; the business acquain-tance who left you off his bid list was acting on thedirection of the client and didn’t know how to tellyou. The stuff that we make up can be very damag-ing. In personal life and in business, this stuff can hurtrelationships, keep us from developing new opportu-nities, and simply make our lives less happy and lessproductive. For many of us, making stuff up is sec-ond nature. We make stuff up even before we areaware that we are doing it. It seems natural, evennecessary, if we are to make sense of what’s hap-pening so that we can formulate a response and cre-ate a feeling of security and control. It’s very difficultfor many of us to simply admit that we don’t reallyknow what’s happening and to accept the uncertain-ty that comes from this realization.

How can we stop thathabit of making stuff upand still feel secure enoughto act based on incompleteinformation? An answercan be found, surprisingly,in the Bible’s story ofNoah. Almost every childknows the story, or at leastthe outline of the story:God is angry at mankind


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How often have youseen an event, quicklydetermined themotives of thoseinvolved, passedjudgment, and leftfeeling angry, hurt, ordisappointed?


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for its lawless and selfish behavior and decides todestroy all life with a great flood, and begin anew.Only Noah, his wife, his sons Cham, Shem, andYaffet, his daughters-in-law, and two (or seven,depending on the story) of every animal are saved ina huge ark that Noah builds on God’s command.This story, though, contains subtleties and messagesthat are completely lost in this simplified version.There is a disturbing end to this story that most chil-dren certainly don’t know.

After the waters subside and the ark lands onMount Ararat, Noah plants an orchard, harvests thegrapes, presses them into wine, and gets drunk in histent. The text doesn’t say why Noah gets drunk, orexactly what he is doing in his tent. (As an aside,there is a moving interpretation of this event thatsees Noah as experiencing survivor guilt. He saw theworld destroyed, yet he and his family survived. Hisdrunkenness is his way to dull the pain, terrible guilt,and shame for not doing more to save others.) Then,a strange event occurs. Cham opens Noah’s tentand “exposes his father’s nakedness” (the Hebrew isnot clear on what this exactly means, since later inthe Bible, “exposing one’s nakedness” refers to sexu-al relationships). Cham quickly goes out to tell hisbrothers, who then walk into the tent backwardsand cover their father with a blanket.

A strange story, indeed, but how does this relateto MSU? On the surface, we can see that Cham

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told his brothers something about their father’s con-dition, but the text does not elaborate on the details.The absence in the narrative is revealing, since any-thing beyond these sketched facts is, by definition,made up. Clearly, Cham told his brothers enoughinformation to lead them to the extraordinary deci-sion to walk in backwards in order to avoid seeingtheir father in an undignified (or worse) condition.Later, after he awakens, Noah bestows blessings onShem and Yaffet, while Cham is cursed. So a surfacereading teaches that Cham spreads gossip and doesnot show respect for his father, while conversely, theother brothers refuse to believe Cham’s made-upstory and are respectful and protective of theirfather.

There is more to this story, however. A clue isburied in the names of the characters. In Hebrew,Cham means “hot,” Shem means “name,” and Yaffetmeans “beauty.” These names allude to differenthuman attributes. When someone is “hot,” he is inan intensely emotional state; therefore, Chamrelates to emotion. A person who has mastered the“name” of things demonstrates intelligence; there-fore, Shem relates to mind. The Hebrew root ofYaffet is yaffeh, which implies a spiritual beauty.Yaffet, therefore, relates to soul.

The story of Noah, then, can be read as a para-ble featuring the characters, Emotion, Mind, andSoul—the essential components of our being,


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housed in our bodies. When faced with a situationthat we do not understand, especially one to whichwe can easily attribute bad intentions, our emotion-al response (Cham) is usually to make up something,often something very negative. When we stop tocoolly evaluate the situation with our intellect(Shem), though, we realize that we don’t yet under-stand what’s really happening.

When seen from this perspective, the initialtemptation to make something up dissolves. Whenwe further stop and allow our spirit to enter (Yaffet),we see the other person as one who struggles, loves,experiences joy and pain, and wants to do what’sright. Just like us. We now see a fellow humanbeing. As in the Noah story, when mind and soulwork together, a volatile situation resulting from anemotional reaction can be addressed with skill andcompassion.

The lesson of the story of Noah matches exact-ly the seminar demonstration mentioned earlier.When the young man’s “Good morning, Ms. Jones,”was not returned, he reacted emotionally and tookher lack of response personally, assuming that it wasdue to her sense of superiority and dismissal of himas worthy of her attention. If he had put that imme-diate, made-up reaction aside and looked into the sit-uation, he might have learned more about Ms. Jonesand may have discovered some useful insight that

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would help him to develop a positive relationshipwith her. Now, though, his bitterness will taint anyprofessional relationship he might develop with her.He will be less happy at work, and his career maysuffer. All because of something that was complete-ly made up! If we can take this lesson into our livesand work to stop making up stuff—or even better,give the other the benefit of the doubt and assumethe best, as we would like to be treated—we thenallow situations to develop naturally. Suddenly, wemay discover that the person who “snubbed” us isactually a fine individual who is simply overwhelmedat work. Now this person, who we had positionedas an adversary, can become an ally.

Stop making stuff up! This is a tall order and onethat I struggle with very often. For me, years ofindulging the habit of making stuff up has created anautomatic response that feels perfectly natural andexpected. The first step in overcoming this habit is tobe aware of the pattern and to stop ourselves beforewe indulge it. Then, when we put aside the immedi-ate emotional response and stop to look with ourminds and hearts, we experience the blessing ofhealthier relationships, we are more open to futureopportunities, we are happier, more relaxed and, asthe teacher in the business seminar concluded, ulti-mately, more successful.


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Three Jewish mother jokes…The first is titled, “The Jewish Mother’s Haiku”:

Is one Nobel Prize

Too much to ask of a child

After all I’ve done?

The second:

A Jewish man receives a birthday gift from hisparents: two sweaters—one blue and one red.The next morning, the door bell rings. The manlooks out the window and sees his motherwaiting outside. Quickly, he puts on the bluesweater and opens the door.

“Ah, you got the gifts,” his mother says.

“Yes,” replies the son. “As you can see, I’mwearing one of the sweaters right now.”

WAITING FOR NOBEL

OVERCOMING FEELINGS OFINADEQUACY


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“So,” she says, disappointed, “what’s wrongwith the red sweater?”

The third:

Question: According to a Jewish mother, whenis a fetus viable?

Answer: When it receives its Law Degree.

You don’t have to be Jewish to relate to thesejokes. These jokes are funny because, like all goodhumor, they lightly present a dark side of our psychethat we usually have difficulty looking at or speakingabout directly. Even though each one features astereotypical Jewish mother who controls her chil-dren through guilt, the Jewish mother is just a con-venient scapegoat and lightning rod for a commonhuman condition. The one theme behind all thesejokes is our inner suspicion that, no matter what wedo, or how hard we try, we will never get it exactlyright; that we can never completely relax becausewe may then disappoint those who rely on us; thatwe can never let down our guard for fear of expos-ing uncomfortable sides of ourselves; and that, asthese jokes imply, we will never quite measure upbecause we are simply just not good enough. Thesejokes are about our unhealthy feelings of shame.

Shame, although it carries negative connota-tions today, in itself is not inherently destructive. Aspsychologist and best-selling author John Bradshawtaught, there are two types of shame: unhealthy(which Bradshaw calls “toxic shame”) and healthy.


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Healthy shame is the realization that, as humanbeings we have limitations. It is the awareness that,because we are finite, we will inevitably make mis-takes, but with the knowledge that our humanityalso grants us the ability to grow, learn, and change.According to Bradshaw, healthy shame degrades tounhealthy shame when we turn the message, “Ihave made a mistake” into “I am a mistake;” whenthe awareness that we have done something wrongbecomes the mistaken belief that there is somethingessentially wrong with us. It occurs when we losesight of our basic humanness and come to expectthat we should be perfect.

For many of us, this unhealthy feeling ofshame—that we are, somehow, innately inade-quate—seems all too natural. As these jokes imply,perhaps we heard this message when we were chil-dren. Bradshaw wrote:

As children [we may have only been] loved forour achievements and our performance, ratherthan for ourselves. Our true and authenticselves were abandoned.

We may have learned that being just ourselves isnot good enough. We may have heard that whatmatters is what we do, not who we are, and thatwhat we do will never quite meet other’s expecta-tions (What, no Nobel Prize yet?).

We may think that this attitude motivates us toachieve, and, in fact, feelings of inadequacy can be a

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powerful force that pushes many people to strive toreach higher levels. The problem with unhealthyshame, though, is that it is, in the long run, counter-productive. If we believe that we are inherentlydefective, then we shut off the opportunities to nat-urally learn and grow. When we believe that we arenot good enough, we also believe that we mustdefer to others to receive direction and approval.Ultimately, though, this does not work because nomatter how much others may reassure us, noamount of external approval is enough to satisfy thatinner doubt. Resolving this feeling that we are notgood enough does not get us off the hook from ourresponsibility to do what is right and to challengeourselves to achieve and improve. Instead, it liber-ates us to grow in a healthy and authentic direction.

We have all heard sto-ries of people who haveattained incredible successyet feel that these achieve-ments are not enough, areundeserved, and perhaps,even, that they are a fail-ure. In 1978, Pauline Clance created the now-famil-iar label for this syndrome, “The ImposterComplex.”This describes one who, in spite of all theexternal recognition and acclaim, internally feelsundeserving. Such a person, because of this feeling


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The problem withunhealthy shame,though, is that it is,in the long run,counterproductive.


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of inadequacy, ends up living inauthentically,detached from his true self and feeling like animposter.

A recent issue of Psychology Today featured anarticle about clergy who have struggled with theirfaith. The article included the story of CarltonPearson, a former Pentecostal bishop who led amega-church in Tulsa, Oklahoma, with a congrega-tion of over 5,000. In the story, Pearson discussedhis growing feelings that the doctrines he had beentaught no longer felt true for him, yet he could notallow himself to examine these feelings, out of con-cern that he would let down his congregation—whoexpected him to supply ready and comfortinganswers—and fear that his questioning may eventu-ally lead to abandoning his faith—a possibility thathe could not face. Finally, Pearson could no longerlive with the pressure of feeling like a hypocrite andabruptly left the church. Looking back, he discov-ered that his reluctance to question the prepackageddoctrines that he had been given, and fear of exam-ining his assumptions about how a man of faithshould act, actually diminished his faith and his senseof purpose. He commented:

We spend our lives impersonating who wethink others want us to be, and we end up asliving impostors.

Pearson is describing “The Imposter Complex.”But he eventually came to a point where he could no

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longer stand the pain of living inauthentically. Nowhe is a Unitarian Minister, preaching an inclusivemessage that matches his deepest held beliefs. Hisregular congregation is a fraction of what it was, yethe now feels that he is living in accordance with histrue self and has a renewed faith and purpose. Whatmatters here is not Pearson’s acceptance or rejectionof any specific doctrine, but his self-awareness andcourage to expose his true self and to accept theconsequences.

Like Pearson, how can we overcome our incli-nation to believe that we are not good enough as weare and live authentically? All of psychologyattempts to deal with this issue because this is oneof our most essential desires. Spiritual traditions alsoattempt to offer some guidance. For some people,however, religion itself is a source of the message ofunhealthy shame. You might have been taught thatreligion demands that you be perfect or that there issomething irrevocably wrong with you; that yournatural desires and ambitions are bad, that yourphysical nature is innately corrupt, and that you are,at your core, defective. This is the most tragic distor-tion of religion and spirituality.

Although the Bible story of Adam and Eve inthe Garden of Eden is often interpreted as a demon-stration that we are inherently defective, this story


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can (and traditionally has been) better be read as ametaphor for the rise of human consciousness; ofour unique, God-given, precious ability to choosebetween right and wrong and to act accordingly. Inthe story, after eating the fruit of the Tree of theKnowledge of Good and Bad, Adam and Eve areashamed, cover themselves, and hide. God calls outto Adam, “Where are you?” Of course, this is not aquestion about physical location. God knows whereAdam is. The question is a call to humanity to exam-ine our spiritual location. Now that Adam and Eve,as conscious human beings, know of both their limi-tations and their powers, they are challenged tocome out from hiding behind the shame of feelinginadequate and unworthy (being “naked”) and standproudly as themselves—as empowered partners increation.

An approach to breaking the hold of unhealthyshame that I like very much comes from a decep-tively simple Buddhist teaching: Always maintainonly a joyful mind. This Buddhist motto encouragesus to stop taking ourselves so seriously and to giveourselves a break. If you are motivated to do some-thing so significant that you win a Nobel Prize, that’swonderful. But to believe that only then will youfinally prove your worth is not only an absurd, unre-alistic expectation, it’s also not a very enjoyable way

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to live. The Buddhist nun and author PemaChodron, in her book Start Where You Are, writes:

You say to yourself, “I can’t do this. I’m hope-less. Everybody else seems to be doing fine, butI don’t seem to have any basic goodness.”Then you beat yourself up and forget all aboutgentleness, or if you remember, you say,“You’re not gentle! Whack!”… That kind ofwitness is a bit heavy. So lighten up. Don’tmake such a big deal. The key to feeling athome with your body, mind, and emotions, tofeeling worthy to live on this planet, comesfrom lightening up.

In that spirit, a final Jewish mother joke:

A group of Jewish mothers gathers together tomeet for lunch. The waiter comes over to theirtable and asks, “Is anything alright?”


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After presenting and sending out the messagefrom the previous chapter, titled, “Waiting forNobel,” I received several emails and phone callsfrom friends and colleagues who noted that thistopic—overcoming unhealthy feelings of shame inorder to find our authentic selves—struck a deepchord. “I feel that you must have written that just forme,” one friend commented. “I was just strugglingwith that very issue,” another said. The messageended with simple advice on how to respond whenwe feel that we are not good enough: lighten up andstop taking yourself so seriously (hence, the JewishMother jokes). Based on the response from “Waitingfor Nobel,” this chapter attempts to further explorethe nature of authenticity and add some additional,specific ideas on how to address this difficult, butessential, topic.

SELF, ACTUALLY

BEING AUTHENTIC


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Authenticity can be defined as:

The degree to which one is true to one’s ownpersonality, spirit, or character, despite externalpressures and influences.

The idea that we all have an authentic self,unique to each one of us, is actually rather astound-ing. If you believe that you have an authentic, uniqueself, then you must also believe that everyone who isalive, or has ever lived, also has this uniqueness.(Other people are unique, too?) Think of it: Thereare 6.6 billion people on the planet, each with a one-of-a-kind, individual character; each with a specificinnate self that is calling to emerge, for a specific pur-pose; each struggling with the same basic needs anddesires, yet each different at the core; each a combi-nation of vast genetic and experiential variables thatcombine to create a special person. You don’t have tobe a mystic to find this mind-blowing!

In Act I, scene iii of Hamlet, Polonius, an advisorto the king, prepares his son Laertes for travel byreciting a lengthy blessing that includes advice onhow to behave well and succeed in a foreign land.Polonius ends the blessing with the famous words:

This above all: to thine own self be true,

And it must follow, as the night the day,

Thou not then be false to any man.

Polonius is telling his son to be authentic—to betrue to himself, and that by being true to himself, he


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will naturally be trustworthy to others. Sounds sim-ple…after all, as the definition of authenticityimplies, our true selves already exist. This is why wenaturally know when our own authenticity is notbeing honored; when we are not being true to whowe really are. Why, then, as most of us have experi-enced, is it often so difficult to connect with ourown authenticity? The French existentialist writer,Jean-Paul Sartre, alluded to an answer when hewrote:

If you seek authenticity for authenticity’s sake,you are no longer authentic.

A true desire for authenticity must be withoutulterior motives; without ego or expectation ofreward and recognition (a good addition to ourgrowing list of paradoxes). Our desire must be sin-cere and not for the sake of receiving praise or mak-ing a statement. Just because one lives eccentrical-ly, for example, one is not necessarily in an authenticstate of being. The eccen-tricity may be an appliedgarment designed to drawattention and approval.Beneath may be a shy,thoughtful person whoonly desires to be part of acaring community. And, ofcourse, the opposite is alsotrue.

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A true desire forauthenticity must bewithout ulteriormotives; without egoor expectation ofreward and recogni-tion.


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Michelangelo—who was, for me, the greatest,most powerful artist—taught a deep truth aboutauthenticity in his art. He believed that his purposewas not to create a sculpture. Instead, he imaginedthat he was removing the debris that encased asculpture, which had always lain hidden in the blockof marble. He simply freed it from its confines.Similarly, our authenticity is not created, it isrevealed. It emerges when we strip away theveneers of false expectations that we may haveplaced on it and free the true image below. This isnot easy (as anyone who is committed to thisprocess can tell you). It requires tenacity, strength,consciousness, and sensitivity. It requires the willing-ness to look honestly at ourselves, at the choiceswe’ve made, and the beliefs that we’ve embraced. Itrequires the courage to remove those beliefs andexpectations that do not serve our true selves. Thiscan be painful, but we have to do this becauseauthenticity frees us to be who we are meant to beand to do our life’s work. When we are detachedfrom our true self—when we believe that approvalcomes from outside ourselves—we undermine ourself-confidence, leaving us with lower levels of ener-gy, reduced creative productivity, weakened spirit,and blocked intuition and spontaneity.

2,500 years ago, the Greek philosopher,Socrates, famously remarked:

The unexamined life is not worth living.


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A twentieth-century psychologist expanded onSocrates’ dictum. In 1943, Abraham Maslow pub-lished a paper titled, A Theory of Human Motivation,in which he proposed a new theory to explain ourdesire for authenticity. In this theory, Maslow stud-ied extraordinarily creative, productive, and influen-tial people, such as Albert Einstein, Jane Addams,Eleanor Roosevelt, and Frederick Douglass, anddetermined that human beings progress throughwhat he termed a “Hierarchy of Needs.”

Maslow described this hierarchy as a pyramid,with the most basic human needs on the bottom,beginning with the need for food and shelter, fol-lowed by the needs for safety, love, community, andesteem. He labeled these basic needs the“Deficiency” or D needs. If these are not met, theindividual feels anxious and focuses on getting themissing needs filled. Once the basic D needs aremet, one feels secure enough to progress to the“Growth,” or G needs. These contain our yearningsto elevate beyond mere survival and begin with theneed to engage the mind in learning, followed by theneed for beauty, and culminating in the ultimatehuman need, which Maslow terms “self-actualiza-tion.” Maslow wrote that self-actualization is:

an episode or spurt in which the powers of theperson come together in a particularly andintensely enjoyable way, and in which he ismore integrated and less split, more open forexperience, more idiosyncratic, more perfectly

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expressive or spontaneous, or fully functioning,more creative, more humorous, more ego-tran-scending, more independent of his lower needs,etc. He becomes in these episodes more trulyhimself, more perfectly actualizing his poten-tialities, closer to the core of his being, morefully human. Not only are these his happiestand most thrilling moments, but they are alsomoments of greatest maturity, individuation,fulfillment—in a word, his healthiest moments.

At this final level, individuals discover who theytruly are. According to Maslow, these people focuson meaning beyond themselves, have a clear percep-tion of reality (including their own strengths andweaknesses), are more concerned with being true tothemselves than with the perceptions of others, aregrowth-oriented, confident—without the need forexternal approval—philosophically humorous, andcreative. Maslow notes that these individuals oftenhave mystic experiences of universal connectedness.This level of self-actualization is identical to the def-inition of authenticity. Of course, not every personfollows Maslow’s linear path. Artists and musicians,for example, will readily forgo food and shelter inorder to create beauty, and one may be filled withself-esteem despite the lack of a loving relationship.The intent of Maslow’s pyramid, though, is to iden-tify the steps and guide us along the way.

Last year, I attended a conference in Santa Fetitled “Business and Consciousness.” This confer-ence brought together business people from around


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the globe to discuss the latest thinking on unifyingthe worlds of work and spirit. World-class speakersled the forums. One of the key-note speakers wasChip Conley, CEO of Joie de Vivre, the largest bou-tique hotel company in California. In his address,Conley recounted the history of his business.Founded in the 1980s, Joie de Vivre grew steadilyuntil the tech bust of the late ‘90s dramaticallyaffected the area’s economy. Then, the events of9/11, SARS, and the advent of online hotel bookingsites hit Joie de Vivre hard, and Conley was facedwith pressures to close his business.

One day, while browsing through a bookstorelooking for personal and business help, he noticedAbraham Maslow’s book, Toward a Psychology ofBeing. After reading the book Conley was inspiredto rebuild his business based on Maslow’s Hierarchyof Needs, which he simplified into three levels, relat-ing to the need for financial security, recognition, andmeaning. Conley consciously structured Joie deVivre to meet these needs up and down the pyra-mid, for his staff, guests, and investors, with a focuson meeting the highest aspiration—meaning. Sincethen, the company has grown to triple the revenueas before the tech bust, with some of the lowestemployee turn-over and highest customer loyalty inthe hospitality business. Conley has written a bookbased on his experiences, titled Peak: How GreatCompanies Get Their Mojo From Maslow. For

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Conley, “peak” experiences relate to Maslow’sdescription of self-actualization. Conley writes:

I came to realize that creating peak experiencesfor our employees, customers, and investorsfostered peak performance for my company.

I had the pleasure to speak briefly with Chipafter the conference and mentioned to him that Ibelieve Maslow must have been influenced—eitherconsciously or unconsciously—by a passage in theBible that matches precisely his Hierarchy of Needs.This passage, from The Book of Numbers, is knownas The Priestly Benediction and is composed of threeblessings: the first for physical security, the secondfor emotional and monetary sustenance, and thethird for the highest aspiration of all—the peace thatcomes from a life dedicated to meaning, aligned withour true nature. These, then, are the ultimate clos-ing words on the subject of authenticity:

May God bless you and protect you.

May God’s presence shine on you and be gracious to you.

May God’s presence turn towards you andgrant you peace.


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A friend and I were recently discussing themoments in our lives when spiritual insight hasoccurred. We noted that, for us, these momentshappened while walking alone in the woods, readingan inspirational book, experiencing the birth of ababy, praying, making love, recovering from an ill-ness, or simply sitting quietly and listening to thesmall sounds that we typically are too busy tonotice. These moments have the power to trans-form how we view our lives and who we think thatwe are. At these times, we experience a sense thatthere are more possibilities than we have imaginedand that there is a deeper reality than the one weseem to walk through, and accept, every day. Theseare profound moments; the times when we get outof our own way long enough to allow something,and someone, else to enter.

RETURN THAT CALL

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Although we might think this type of transfor-mational experience can only occur while we areengaged in “spiritual” activities, like the ones myfriend and I discussed, more and more I have cometo see these experiences embedded in seeminglymundane, day-to-day events; little insights, lessons,and gifts of wisdom that happen in everyday interac-tions. One such small incident, which occurred near-ly nine years ago, helped me to more fully understanda central spiritual teaching.

This incident was one of those unexpected rev-elations that happen exactly when one is not look-ing, and occurred in the middle of the work daywhile I was, in fact, completely focused on the“non-spiritual” activity of trying to develop a newclient. In other words, I was in sales mode. At thetime, I was working in Charlotte, NC, and wastasked with helping to secure and manage designand construction work in that very busy financialmarket. One of my targets was a large regionalbank that is headquartered in North Carolina. Abusiness acquaintance shared a contact name in thebank’s real estate department, and I called, hopingto introduce my company to this potential client.As expected, I got sent to voice mail. Oh well, Ithought, what did I expect from a cold call? So I lefta message, with little hope of ever hearing back.

Two hours later, my cell phone rang. It was theperson from the bank.


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“I’m sorry for missing your call,” he said. “Howcan I help you?”

It is rare that a cold call is ever returned, letalone so quickly, and so, needless to say, I was sur-prised to receive this call. I briefly introduced myselfand described my company and our services.

“You really need to call my colleague who is theDirector of Real Estate for the Carolinas,” he said.“Here’s her phone number…. I’ll let her know toexpect your call later today.”

Now I was beginning to congratulate myself onmy expert sales skills. I must have done or said some-thing that caught their attention. Maybe it’s my warmphone voice….

I followed up later that day and called the num-ber he gave me. The Director’s administrative assis-tant answered the phone. Okay, the inevitable gate-keeper, I thought.

“Alan Lurie calling for Ms…,” I said, assumingthat I’d be asked to leave a message.

“Oh, yes, she is expecting your call. I’ll put youright through,” she responded. “Hi, Mr. Lurie,” theDirector said, in a friendly, professional tone. “Howcan I help you?”

Again, I introduced myself, my company and ourservices.

“You know what?” she suggested. “Let’s set upa meeting with my colleague, our RegionalPresident.”

Return That Call

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The Regional President! At this point, I began todoubt that this success was due in any way to myexpert sales skills or even anything that I did or said(this same basic sales approach never worked sosmoothly in the past). I could not yet understandwhy everyone I spoke with was so prompt and help-ful, though.

We quickly set up a meeting.“We look forward to meeting you,” she said.We meet at the bank’s corporate headquarters.

The Director and Regional President greet mewarmly, bring me coffee, and usher me into a com-fortable meeting room.

“How can we help you?” the Regional Presidentsays.

By now, I’m getting used to hearing this line andsuddenly realize that this helpful attitude must beingrained in the company.

“First of all, I’d like to let you know how much Iappreciate the warm welcome I’ve received fromeveryone in your organization,” I say, and tell him ofmy experience with his company.

“Thank you,” he says. “It’s great to hear that ourmission is being lived. After this meeting, can youplease send me a note outlining your experience,including the names of the folks you’ve dealt with?I’d like to send them all thank-you cards.”


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“Of course. You obviously have an amazing cul-ture, I say, then add, “which is testament to yourleadership” Well, a brownie point couldn’t hurt, I think.Good sales tactic.

He frowns slightly, and waves off my awkward,transparent attempt at a personal compliment (somuch for my expert sales skills). “Thank you, but ithas nothing to do with me,” he says, “It’s really verysimple. We believe in the Golden Rule. Treat othersas you would like to be treated. As you know, wealso make sales calls to potential clients, hoping toexpand our reach and create new contacts. This ishow I began in business; making cold calls. Just aswe appreciate when people return our calls, weknow that people who call us also appreciate—anddeserve—a returned call. But,” he continues quick-ly, “we also know that this is good for business. Youcalled us trying to secure work for your company.That’s your job. But we also understand that youmay be a banking customer. Or hopefully, you maybecome a customer in the future. Therefore, wetreat all calls as though they are from valued cus-tomers and future friends.”

This was many years ago. Since then, I have toldthis story dozens of times. Who knows how manyfolks that I’ve told have decided to do business withthis bank, invest in its stock, pass on this story toothers, or just simply feel good about this company?Also who knows how many people have decided to

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emulate this bank’s model of consideration and con-cern for others? What I experienced first hand onthat day was the meaning of the Bible’s command-ment, “And you will love your neighbor as yourself,”and the associated injunction to treat others as youwould like to be treated.

There is a crucial side of this equation that isoften overlooked, however, which was embedded inthis brief experience: To love another as yourself andto treat others as you would like to be treatedrequires that you also love and value yourself. Youcannot truly love others and treat them compassion-ately unless you love and have compassion for your-self, because until this essential internal need is met,you cannot fully give it to others. Simply put, youcannot give what you do not have. As the Bible tellsus, when you truly love yourself, you will then natu-rally love others (hence, the future tense assurance;“And you will love your neighbor…”). Loving your-self is not an end in itself, but is a prerequisite for theimpulse to love others. Self-love in this context is notnarcissism or self-indulgence but is the knowledgethat you, like every other human being, are worthyof all the gifts that life offers. In this light, interactionswith others are not “zero sum” exchanges, whereyou battle for finite resources. Instead, the spiritualmodels asserts that (as discussed in Chapter 1,“Donkey for Sale”), when people engage conscious-ly, abundance flows for all. Through the simple


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gesture of politely and promptly returning calls, thefolks at this bank in North Carolina acted with com-passion for others, while also helping themselves,demonstrating a deliberate policy of “EnlightenedSelf-Interest.” They knew that by treating others asthey would like to be treated, they are spreadinggoodwill while, at thesame time, helping theirbusiness, which they val-ued, to grow. This is theultimate “win-win.”

Love your neighbor asyourself and treat othersas you would like to betreated. Every religioustradition includes this mes-sage as a core teaching.These words, though, arenot just an ideal that is reserved for special times,locked in religious texts that don’t apply to oureveryday lives—especially not to the hard world ofbusiness. In a very tangible way, I saw these wordsin action, as practiced by a major financial institu-tion. As this lesson teaches, moments of spiritualinsight and growth can occur at any time and oftenprecisely when you are not looking or seeking them.The people I met at the bank consciously try to live

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This bank acted withcompassion by treat-ing others as theywould like to betreated; they arespreading goodwillwhile, at the sametime, helping theirbusiness, which theyvalued, to grow.


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the Biblical injunction to love their neighbor as them-selves. By acting this way, they help to make theworld a kinder place in which to live, if even for thatone moment when the phone rings.

Here then is a small spiritual exercise that youcan practice every day. Return the phone call thatyou have been avoiding. First, because it is the rightthing to do. It’s how you would expect to be treat-ed. Even a ten-second message to say, “Thank youfor your call,” is surprisingly appreciated. Second,who knows?—that person on the other end maysomeday be able to return the favor, as your col-league, your client, or perhaps as an unexpectedfriend.


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My wife recently sent me an email titled,Bloopers. The first part of the e-mail was labeledHistory of the World According to Students and con-tained a selection of what were described as “actualstudent answers to history tests collected by teach-ers.” Having been a Sunday School teacher myself, Iwas interested and glanced at the first selection:

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who wentaround giving people advice. They killed him.Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.After his death, his career suffered a dramaticdecline.

“Cute,” I thought, as I sat in my office, distract-ed by paperwork, meetings, and the daily to-do’s. Iread the next one:

Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As aqueen, she was a success. When she exposed her-self before her troops, they all shouted “hurrah.”

SO, A HORSE WALKSINTO A BAR…

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“Now that’s funny,” I thought, as I chuckled tomyself and quickly read the next:

The greatest writer of the Renaissance wasWilliam Shakespeare. He was born in the year1564, supposedly on his birthday. He nevermade much money and is famous only becauseof his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, andhysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroiccouple. Romeo’s last wish was to get laid byJuliet. Writing at the same time as Shakespearewas Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote.The next great author was John Milton. Miltonwrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and hewrote Paradise Regained.

With a wide grin on my face, I read on:

Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatestPrecedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy,and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the EmasculationProclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865,Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in hisseat by one of the actors in a moving pictureshow. They believe the assinator was JohnWilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. Thisruined Booth’s career.

Now I was laughing loudly. This was reallyfunny! The second part of the email was labeled,Synagogue Announcement Bloopers. These werefrom real synagogue bulletins. The first read:


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Thursday at 9, there will be a meeting of theLittle Mothers Club. All women wishing tobecome Little Mothers, please see the rabbi inhis private study.

And another:

Don’t let worry kill you. Let your synagoguehelp. Join us for our social after services.Prayer and medication to follow. Remember inprayer the many who are sick of our congrega-tion.

At this point, I had forgotten about the work onmy desk, the pressure of the upcoming presentation,and the stresses of the day; I was simply, happily,laughing. These jokes were exactly the type ofhumor that makes me laugh. Perhaps it is the juxta-position of a serious subject such as history or reli-gion, with unintentional misspellings, misunder-standings, and confusions that I found so funny. Orperhaps it’s just the plain absurdity. Whatever themechanism, these simple bloopers made me laugh,and I felt happy, in spite of being in the midst of atypically stressful work day.

These jokes may not appeal to your sense ofhumor; maybe something different makes you laugh.In any case, we all have experienced laughter, andwe all know how good a deep, sustained laugh canfeel. Whether watching a comedy movie, hearing agood joke, reading something funny, or rememberingan event that struck us as humorous, we seem toyearn for laughter—for a good, genuine belly laugh.

So, a Horse Walks into a Bar…

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What is it about laugh-ter that is so necessary?There have been manyphilosophical investiga-tions into laughter. In his1725 treatise, Thoughts on Laughter, FrancisHutcheson noted that laughter is a response to theperception of incongruity. Such great philosophers asSchopenhauer and Hegel shared almost exactly thesame view. We find something funny, they believed,when our expectations and our perceptions do notmatch. As in the synagogue bulletin, we expect asober announcement about the good work that thisspiritual institution is doing to help young mothers,and are instead given the implication that the Rabbiis the eager cause of these pregnancies. Accordingto these philosophers, it is this incongruity that caus-es laughter.

Somehow, though, humor resists such dry philo-sophical explanations. Perhaps E.B. White summedit up best:

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Fewpeople are interested and the frog dies of it.

To paraphrase the Supreme Court, maybe wecan’t define humor, but we know it when we see it.We know when something strikes us as genuinelyfunny because it makes us laugh.


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We all have experi-enced laughter, andwe all know howgood a deep, sus-tained laugh can feel.


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Science has recently begun to study the effectsof laughter on the human body, and studies have allcome to the same conclusion. Research has shownthat laughing can help to:

• Lower blood pressure and increase oxygen intake.• Reduce stress hormones and release toxins.• Increase muscle flexion and abdominal strength.• Boost immune function by raising levels of infec-

tion-fighting T-cells, disease-fighting proteins, andB-cells, which produce disease-destroying anti-bodies.

• Trigger the release of endorphins, the body’snatural painkillers, producing a general sense ofwell-being.

There is now a branch of psychology that hassprung up around laughter. Often called HumorTherapy, this is the therapeutic process that seeks toarouse these beneficial effects of laughter. HumorTherapy originated in 1979 with the publication ofNorman Cousins’ book Anatomy of an Illness, whichdetailed his experiences in overcoming a seriouschronic disease by laughing. While in the hospital andrecovering at home, Cousins routinely watched hisfavorite comedy shows such as Candid Camera andMarx Brothers films. Cousins wrote:

I made the joyous discovery that ten minutes ofgenuine belly laughter had an anesthetic effectand would give me at least two hours of pain-free sleep.


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Many major hospitals have now embracedHumor Therapy and routinely employ clowns andcomics to visit patients and train the staff. Even thePentagon, the most serious of governmental institu-tions, has a laughter program to help relieve stressand improve the performance of its employees. Thelatest trend in Humor Therapy was created by Dr.Madan Kataria, who has created a practice calledLaughter Yoga, which combines laughter and yogabreathing. This is taught at “laughter clubs,” whichbring together groups of people for the sole purposeof laughing together. According to Laughter Yoga’swebsite, there are now 5,000 laughter clubs andstudios in more than 50 countries around the world.Many of these clubs meet at workplaces, includingFortune 500 companies, which are embracing boththe health and business benefits of laughter—recog-nizing that a relaxed, happy workforce is more pro-ductive, focused, and team-oriented.

Most spiritual traditions have recognized thepower of humor and laughter. This may be surpris-ing to some, especially those who view religion asdour and serious, but Buddhism and Hinduism, inparticular, espouse the need to laugh, and there is along tradition of laughing gurus, who encourage theirstudents to see humor as an existential human con-dition. One of the attributes of an enlightened per-son is a philosophical sense of humor. The DalaiLama, the leader of Tibetan Buddhism, is famous for


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his sense of humor and unself-conscious, boyishlaugh. Western religions speak of the importance oflaughter, as well. The Book of Proverbs (17:22)states:

A cheerful heart does good like a medicine; buta broken spirit makes one sick.

But the final word on laughter must go toYiddish wisdom that, as usual, is direct, to the point,wise, and funny:

What soap is to the body, laughter is to thesoul.


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This chapter was written during the holidays ofRosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur: the Jewish “Daysof Awe.” At this time, Jews are encouraged to lookat themselves as honestly and objectively as possi-ble, to determine where they have fallen short, toseek forgiveness from those whom they have hurt,to fix the damage that they may have caused, and toresolve to improve in the New Year. If this process istruly embraced, then one will stand before his or herCreator in atonement. Judaism is by no meansunique in this process. There seems to be a universalacknowledgment that we, as human beings, need aritualized structure that helps us to commit to per-sonal growth. Every significant religion that I knowhas a similar process—a way to examine ourselvesand to commit to change.

WHAT IF?

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We are all familiar with the idea of New Year’sresolutions (as discussed in “In the Beginning”),which serve this function in a secular venue. With allthis structure, then, why is change so difficult? Whydoes it seem so often that all our good intentions andcommitments gradually dissolve as we return to thedemands of our jobs and the routines of our lives?Of course, there are many possible answers to thesequestions, depending on the person and the issuethat is being addressed. Perhaps we convince our-selves that the changes we committed to were sim-ply high-minded ideals that are not really practical.Perhaps we are too drowned in stress, mired in iner-tia, stuck in bad habits, blocked by our own pride, orare just too lazy to implement the changes that weknow we should make.

There is one essential emotion, though, thattypically and ultimately lies beneath the surface of allthese reasons. This emotion is so often misunder-stood and misapplied that it is difficult to addressdirectly. It is an emotion that resonates deeply for allof us and, according to most psychological and spir-itual teaching, is the root of much that ails us as aspecies. This emotion is fear.

A good general definition of fear that I found inWikipedia is:

An emotional response to impending danger,that is tied to anxiety. Behavioral theoristshave suggested that fear, along with a few


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other basic emotions (e.g., joy and anger), isinnate to higher functioning organisms. Fear isa survival mechanism, and usually occurs inresponse to a specific negative stimulus.

We feel fear when we are faced with an immi-nent threat; a hungry leopard lurking in the highgrasses, eyeing us as her dinner, or when we areapproached by someone or something that presentsa real threat to our physical safety. When we arefearful, we experience specific, physiological reac-tions: tightness in the chest and throat, oversensitiv-ity to noise, fast shallow breathing, sweating, loss ofshort-term memory, restlessness, twitching in thearms and legs, and a strange feeling of depersonal-ization. This is the fight or flight response that pre-pares us to immediately face the danger at hand.

This response worked quite well for our ances-tor as he prepared to fight for his life, but how doesthis emotion serve us today? We may now believethat fear is no longer needed. In fact, there is abranch of spiritual teaching that asserts that all fearis illusion that must be exposed and removed fromour lives. However, when we are truly faced with athreatening situation that requires intense immediatereaction, or when we recognize that our actions orthe actions of another can cause serious harm, fearis a very useful reaction. This is constructive fear. Aperson without this type of fear is, in some funda-mental way, defective and distant.

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We need constructivefear. It calls our attentionto real threats and moti-vates us to action. There isa shadow side to construc-tive fear, though. Insteadof propelling us to action,this type of fear does theopposite and paralyzes us.This is destructive fear.Destructive fear is based on illusory or unactionablethreats and provokes an inappropriate, harmfulresponse that comes from mistaking kittens for leop-ards—mistaking life’s inevitable bumps for deadlycliff-edges. Destructive fear is based on “what if ”scenarios, in which we imagine terrible possible out-comes to everyday challenges. It is the fear of thingsthat we cannot control and is based upon the mis-taken belief that if we are not in control, then wemust be in danger. When we live with a sense thatlife is essentially unsafe, that other people are inher-ently threatening, and that the world is an irre-deemably dangerous place, we experience paralyz-ing destructive fear.

This is the fear that keeps us from changingbecause change involves exposing ourselves to theunknown, leaving us uncertain about the outcome,thus provoking fear. And unlike constructive fear,


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When we are trulyfaced with a threaten-ing situation thatrequires intenseimmediatereaction…fear is a very useful reaction.


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which helps us react to real threats, destructive fearis not effectively actionable and arouses an inappro-priate reaction, yet we experience the same physio-logical and psychological responses as if the threatwere real. Because we cannot act effectively fromdestructive fear, the adrenaline that is pumped in toour system is left unspent, damaging our bodies andspirits and leading to anxiety, stress, and depression.

The first step in overcoming destructive fear isdeceptively simple: Acknowledge that it is causing aproblem—that it is constricting your choices andkeeping you stuck. For many of us, this is a very dif-ficult first step. We may believe that the threats arereal and that the changes we had determined toimplement present more risk than reward. In thisway, we, ironically, become afraid of facing our fear,thereby creating more fear, which makes it evenscarier to look at directly. This pattern entrenchesour fears and builds an internal defense dialogue thatdisables us from changing. (Of course I can’t leave thisdead-end job, move to a better location, meet someonenew, get in shape… What if I can’t find anything bet-ter? What if I fail? What will my friends, family, boss…think? I could end up with nothing; worse off than I amnow. I’ve tried before, and nothing happened. It actual-ly got worse, and I just made a fool of myself. Besides,it’s not so bad after all. Look, people don’t really changeanyways. That’s just some “self-help” nonsense. Atleast I’m committed and productive; not like those people…)

What If?

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It takes courage to identify and acknowledgedestructive fear—the courage to face the illusoryfear directly, to drop the negativity of our past andthe worry that springs from our belief that fear mustbe avoided and to accept uncertainty. Courage isnot lack of fear; it is the determination to act in spiteof fear. Eleanor Roosevelt advised:

You gain strength, courage, and confidence byevery experience in which you really stop tolook fear in the face. You must do the thingwhich you think you cannot do.

Dale Carnegie made a similar practical observa-tion:

Do the thing you fear to do and keep on doingit… that is the quickest and surest way ever yetdiscovered to conquer fear.

Religious traditions offer many paths to address-ing destructive fear. As mentioned, Judaism pres-ents a path of self-examination and commitment tochange. In Hebrew, the word for fear, yirah, also car-ries the meaning awe and the connotation, to see.When we feel fear, then, we must remember thatthe world is filled with the Presence of ourCreator—Whose creation is good—and we mustaccept the responsibility to carefully analyze thatwhich frightens us in order to for us to “see” if thefear is real and valid. Once that determination ismade, we can then honestly and courageouslychoose, free from destructive fear.


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Buddhism presents another way to face fear;the path of courageous compassion. Buddhists areencouraged to be mindful of their own fearful reac-tions and to take note of the things that provoke fear.Those things that cause fear are seen as our great-est teachers because they tell us where we are stuckand where we need to grow. In this light, we seethat our fears are not the horrible monsters weimagined, but are gateways to spiritual growth. TheDalai Lama, the leader of Tibetan Buddhism, offersthis advice for overcoming destructive fear:

I’ve found that sincere motivation acts as anantidote to fear and anxiety… the closer onegets to being motivated by altruism, the morefearless one becomes in the face of evenextremely anxiety-provoking circumstances.

Christianity presents a path of faith as the rem-edy to fear. In The Book of Luke, Jesus tells his disciples:

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about yourlife, what you will eat; or about your body,what you will wear. Life is more than food, andthe body more than clothes. Consider theravens: They do not sow or reap, they have nostoreroom or barn; yet God feeds them. Andhow much more valuable you are than birds!Who of you by worrying can add a single hourto his life? Since you cannot do this very littlething, why do you worry about the rest?

What If?

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With this arsenal—optimism, altruism, honesty,courage, and faith—we can face even our mostdaunting fears with a sense of curiosity, adventure,and even fun and discover our hidden strengths andour true purpose.


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On a recent trip to Israel, I brought a book toread on the airplane. Because this was a verylengthy flight, I took a book that seemed to promisean easy, light, informative read. My wife, Shirona,had recommended a book, and its title caught myattention. Simply titled Happier, this book, by Israelipsychologist Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar, is based on a coursethat he teaches at Harvard, which is now theUniversity’s most popular class, regularly drawingover 850 students. The subject of the class isPositive Psychology, a branch of psychology thatbegan in the 1990s and focuses on understandingand encouraging positive human characteristicssuch as optimism, love, courage, creativity, integrity,and self-knowledge. It is disconcerting to considerthat the study of healthy emotions is a new branchof psychology, but since Freud, psychology has typ-ically focused on the negative emotional states—

THE AIM OF EXISTENCE

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such as depression, narcissism, personality disorder,and neurosis—that create dysfunctional lives. Incomparison, Positive Psychology studies the charac-teristics that lead to fulfillment and happiness.

Although Positive Psychology is new, the attemptto understand happiness is an ancient pursuit and isat the heart of most philosophical and religiousexploration. The ancient Greek philosopherAristotle flatly stated:

Happiness is the meaning and the purpose oflife, the whole aim and end of human existence.

This is a bold statement that has often been mis-interpreted and misapplied. After all, happiness is noteasily quantified. Twenty-three hundred years afterAristotle, we still don’t have an agreed-upon work-ing definition of happiness, and we still struggle toanswer such basic questions as:

• What do we mean by “happiness?”• Is “happiness” the same as “pleasure” or “gratifi-

cation” or “joy?”• What are the causes of happiness? • How can we find and sustain happiness? • What is the relationship between individual and

communal happiness? • Can we ever be truly happy in a world of suf-

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Perhaps happiness is such an individual experi-ence that there cannot be any one single definition.Maybe we simply know it when we feel it.

There is a flurry of self-help books that aim toteach quick secrets to obtaining happiness that ofteninclude easy techniques (sometimes bordering onthe magical) for bringing happiness into our lives.These books usually fail, though, because happinessis not so easily gained. Material possessions, newrelationships, new jobs, dream vacations, and evengood health may make us feel happy for a short time,but we have learned that physical things cannotmake us truly happy. A famous study of 22 peoplewho won major lotteries found that, while immedi-ately elated, all of the lottery winners returned to thesame level of happiness as before their windfall, andafter a few years they were no happier than 22matched controls who won nothing.

So if as Aristotle proclaimed, happiness is theaim of human existence, how can we find it? Ben-Shahar provides a systematic process whereby hap-piness can be cultivated. He begins by describing thefour main human archetypal ways to seek and obtainhappiness, which he labels as:

1. Rat race2. Hedonism3. Nihilism4. Happiness

The Aim of Existence

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Most of us, especially in the West, are veryfamiliar with the rat racer. This person has beentaught—by his parents, his school, and his job—tofocus his energies on future goals: wealth, fame,prestige. He works hard in school to get good gradesso he can get into a good college, so he can get agood job that will lead to a good income, whichbrings material possessions, respect, and finally hap-piness. He is told that he must sacrifice pleasurenow in service of a larger reward that will somedaymake him happy. He may even dislike his life at themoment but believes that the sacrifice will pay off inthe end. Perhaps he never attains his goals and is leftfeeling cheated. Or perhaps he does attain his goalsbut, like the lottery winners, soon discovers that thematerial possessions he has been seeking do notbring him the happiness that he had expected.

At this point, discovering that the rat race prom-ise of future happiness was an illusion and did notbring real happiness, he may decide that the route tohappiness is to seek as much pleasure in the momentas possible. This person, then, moves to the nextarchetype and embraces hedonism. He now simplypursues momentary happiness, perhaps over-indulging in food, relaxation, physical pleasures, andalcohol. Although all these things are good in mod-eration, the hedonist soon discovers that, withoutany goals or purpose, he is still not happy. As John


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D. Rockefeller—who was certainly no hedonist—said:

I can think of nothing less pleasurable than alife devoted to pleasure.

Now, having failed to find happiness in thepromise of future goals and the short-lived pleasuresof the moment, he may decide that happiness is sim-ply not possible. He has tried everything he knows,and he is still not happy. Finally, then, he gives up andbecomes a nihilist, feeling crushed by the failures ofthe past, and convinced that he is a helpless victim oflife. He now believes that happiness is a fool’s ideal-istic delusion.

Sounds pretty bleak! We all know such people,though, and most likely at one time or another haveeven identified ourselves with one of these arche-types. Ben-Shahar points out that these three arche-types don’t work because they all focus on only oneway to find happiness. The rat racer forgoes pleasurein the present for a future that he believes will bringrewards. The hedonists believe that happiness canonly be sustained through ongoing momentarypleasure. The nihilist has come to believe that he hasno ability to control his own life and that happinessis an impossible dream.

Ben-Shahar finds a resolution by rejecting theseone-dimensional models and embracing a moreinclusive, balanced approach. Here, he provides a


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simple and very useful definition of happiness. Hewrites:

I define happiness as “the overall experience ofpleasure and meaning.” A happy person enjoyspositive emotions while perceiving her life aspurposeful. The definition does not pertain to asingle moment, but to a generalized aggregateof one’s experiences: a person can endure emo-tional pain at times and still be happy.

Ben-Shahar titled his book Happier because hebelieves that happiness is not an end; not a destina-tion that one reaches, or a state that one can sud-denly pop in to. Instead, we should work to contin-ually increase our level of happiness—to becomehappier people. We do this when we balance presentbenefit (pleasure) with future benefit (meaning).

When we look to increase our happinessthrough work, Ben-Shahar notes that there is onemore component that must be added into the happi-ness equation. In addition to being pleasurable andmeaningful, we should also do something that weare good at. The ideal job combines Meaning,Pleasure, and Strength. When we do something thatwe enjoy, that is meaningful, and that we are goodat, we experience the state that psychologists call“flow,” when we lose track of time, place, and evenself and become completely immersed in our work.These moments are among the most deeply satisfy-ing in our lives, and we are, without goals or agen-das, suddenly happier.


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In this way, happinessis not an end or a finalstate that we have earned,but is available at anymoment, when we honorour highest potential. AsAlbert Schweitzer noted:

Success is not the keyto happiness. Happi-ness is the key to success. If you love what youare doing, you will be successful.

The simplest advice on happiness comes fromAbraham Lincoln, a man who struggled with crush-ing depression. He discovered that:

Most folk are about as happy as they make uptheir mind to be.


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When we do some-thing that we enjoy,that is meaningful,and that we are goodat, we experience thestate that psycholo-gists call “flow.”


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An ad in the Metro newspaper recently caught myeye. Among the usual upbeat ads for clothing,restaurants, and movies was the picture of adepressed-looking man, his head tilted, with onehand over his down-turned eyes. Underneath thisimage was the large letter caption, “The NoNegativity Event,” followed by a description:

At this Event, we will fight against the negativeforces influencing your life! We have helpedpeople in over 90 countries.

Right here in the Metro, which boasts that it is“the largest daily newspaper in the world,” was thisunexpected ad about fighting negativity. This, Ithought, is the sign of a good direction toward per-sonal growth. Instead of enticing us to buy moreclothing or to see another movie, this ad encouragespositive change. This is certainly a much-neededservice. Who wants negativity? We all desire goodthings in our lives, such as health, financial success,

THE NO NEGATIVITYEVENT

LIVING WITH OPTIMISM


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meaningful friendships, and committed love.Conversely, we all seek to avoid such negative thingsas illness, poverty, loneliness, and rejection. Thisseminar seemed to offer a way to help.

I began to think more about negativity, and won-dered: What is negativity exactly? Where does itcome from, and how does it enter our lives? Onedictionary defines negativity as:

Lacking positive or constructive features;gloomy, skeptical, pessimistic.

Negativity, then, can be linked to pessimism.Next, I looked up pessimism and found this illumi-nating definition:

Pessimism, from the Latin pessimus (worst),denotes a belief that the experienced world isthe worst possible. It describes a general beliefthat things are bad, and tend to become worse;or that looks to the eventual triumph of evilover good; it contrasts with optimism, the con-trary belief in the goodness and betterment ofthings generally.

Negativity, then, contrasts directly with optimism.

By coincidence (or perhaps by intent), the ad forfighting negativity was printed during the first weekof spring, a season of rebirth, renewal, andregrowth, when the cold and stagnation of winterrecedes to reveal a new cycle of life. Spring is a sea-son for optimism. It was a quick journey from the


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unexpected ad for “The No Negativity Event,” tothe struggle between the opposing viewpoints ofoptimism versus pessimism. Spiritual traditionsclearly stress the need for optimism in our lives andencourage us to discard negativity, and spring is cel-ebrated by most of the world’s major religions as atime to develop optimism through the anticipation orcommemoration of goodness. Here is a sampling:

• Easter, the Christian Holy Day that celebratesrebirth, redemption, and the possibility of eter-nal life, occurs in the early spring.

• For Jews, spring is the time for Passover, whichrecollects the miraculous redemption from slav-ery to freedom and the promise of a new lifefilled with limitless potential.

• Muslims celebrate Mawlid al Nabi, the com-memoration of the birth and death ofMuhammad, the receiver of the Quran.

• Some Buddhists celebrate New Year at thistime as well by noting the endless cycle of life,death, and renewal.

• The spring equinox is the New Year forZoroastrianism, whose adherents believe thatgood will eventually prevail over evil.

• This is also the most important time for Sikhs,who, in spring, celebrate the birth of their faith.

All these wisdom traditions encourage us to liveoptimistically and to fight pessimism. Why, then, do

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we experience so much negativity? Why do so manyof us see the negative side of things instead of thepositive? There is a saying, which pretends to con-tain wisdom, that I have often heard quoted aboutthese viewpoints:

A pessimist is what an optimist calls a realist.

This is a pithy and clever quote, to be sure, butis actually a disturbing declaration of a belief in exis-tential negativity, proposing that pessimism is some-how more realistic than optimism. I don’t know whowrote it, but this cynical aphorism quickly sums up afamiliar attitude—that there is something inherentlywrong in the world; that the natural direction ofevents is essentially toward the worst; perhaps,even, that people are essentially bad, and that giventhe chance, others will naturally take advantage ofyou. This saying then rele-gates the viewpoint ofoptimism to a delusional,naive state.

Maybe we have cometo believe that this quote istrue. Maybe the events ofour lives and our understanding of history have driv-en us to this conclusion. But as the Metro ad implies,who wants to live in negativity? Perhaps this is whya “No Negativity Event” is needed—to teach us


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Why do so many ofus see the negative side ofthings instead of thepositive?


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how to counter this inclination toward pessimismand negativity and how to cultivate optimism.

Let’s take a deeper look at optimism. First, is itrealistic to be optimistic? Clearly, there is a tremen-dous amount of pain, suffering, and cruelty in theworld. Half the world’s population lives in crushingpoverty, and unspeakable atrocities occur with alltoo much regularity. It is staggering to realize thatless than one percent of what the world spendsevery year on weapons could educate every child inthe world. Yet, I believe, we live in the best of alltimes and that things are getting even better. We areliving in a time of freedom, potential, prosperity, andspiritual awakening. Ask yourself if there was a timein history in which you’d rather live, and then I chal-lenge you to research the hard reality of existence inthat time. You will eagerly return to this time in grat-itude and relief. From a statistical data analysis, wecan see the positive trends here in the United States:

• Diseases that had previously killed and maimedmillions, such as polio, malaria, tuberculosis,and small pox, have been cured. Today, on theaverage, people live longer and healthier thanever in history. The tragedy, of course, is thatthis medical prosperity has not been sharedwith much of the world.

• Women, racial and religious minorities, and oth-ers who were systematically discriminated,


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oppressed, enslaved, and killed, are now pro-tected and increasingly integrated.

• Through vast improvements in technology,information that was once hidden, unavailable,or limited to the elite few, is now readily avail-able to anyone with computer access. Somemay see this, somehow, as a problem, but it ishard to argue that access to information is any-thing but a good thing.

• Social confines of class, sex, race, and religionthat once limited one’s opportunities have beendisintegrating, and we are collectively movingtoward a future where individuals can pursuetheir own dreams based on their content.

• The U.S. government reports the lowest per-centage of drug use, especially among youngpeople, since such statistics began to be collect-ed in 1979.

• In the U.S., firearm-related crime has plummet-ed since 1993, and violent crime is at a two-decade low. Most cities are safer than theyhave been in decades (we see this clearly herein New York).

• Teenage pregnancies are the lowest reportedsince 1991, with a marked decline in all demo-graphics, and more young people, with greaterdiversity, are entering college than ever before.


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Science is also pointing to the value of optimism.A long-term study of Harvard University graduatesfound that those who were categorized as pes-simists at age 25 had significantly poorer health orwere more likely to have died when they werereassessed 20 to 35 years later. Studies of cancerpatients have found that those with optimistic out-looks dramatically outlived their pessimistic counter-parts and that the leading indicator for remission isthe patient’s positive attitude. Other studies havefound that optimists are generally healthier, happier,and more successful than those who carry negativeattitudes.

This idea, that we should strive to live and act inoptimism, and that positive attitude creates positiveoutcomes, is an ancient one, shared by the world’sreligions. From Paul, in a letter to the Corinthians,comes the famous words:

Whoever sows sparingly will reap sparingly,and whoever sows generously will reap gener-ously.

The Buddha told his followers:

Do not think lightly of good that not the leastconsequence will come of it. A whole waterpotwill fill up from dripping drops of water, so thewise fill themselves with good, just a drop at atime.


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From The Book of Deuteronomy:

I have placed before you life and death, bless-ing and curse. Choose life!

And an extraordinarily similar statement from aTaoist scripture:

Curses and blessings do not come throughgates, but people themselves invite theirarrival.

These religious teachings encourage us to live inoptimism—to see the good and to act with positiveintent. This is not to say that we should ignore theinevitable challenges in our lives or turn our back onpain and suffering, bury our heads, close our eyesand ears, and pretend that everything is okay. Thereis clearly much that is wrong in the world, and onewould have to be delusional to believe that there areno dangers, no diseases, and no people who are benton harming others. What all these traditions teach,though, is that we can, at any moment, make thechoice to see the world and the people in it as inher-ently good and to contribute in a positive way. Thispositive contribution will then increase the good inthe world, leading to more optimism. As religion,science, and psychology realize, when we approacha situation with optimism, expecting the best of oth-ers and ourselves, we are much more likely to


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receive just such a result.By doing so, we improveour attitude, health, andsuccess and actively con-tribute to humanity’s col-lective growth and ourmovement toward a glori-ous future, which is ourchildren’s rightful inheri-tance.


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We can, at anymoment, make thechoice to see theworld and the peoplein it as inherentlygood, and to con-tribute in a positiveway.


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Last week, I was invited to dinner with a client tocelebrate the beginning of construction on her newproject. This client invited all the people who partic-ipated on her team—the architects, engineers, bro-kers, project manager, and contractor—to join herand her colleagues after work for a meal together.Over the course of the dinner, the client stood andtoasted each person in attendance:

“Thank you to Josephine, for your beautifuldesign.”

“Thank you to Joe, for your tireless work tofind us the perfect space.”

“Thank you to Oliver, for saving us money andfor the good work that we know you will do.”

“Thank you, Janice, for understanding ourneeds and communicating them to the team.”

A THANKFULLY SHORTMESSAGE

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“Thank you to all. Although we may have dif-ficulties ahead of us, I thank you in advance forworking together to solve them.”

She made sure that all of our drink glasses werefull for each of these toasts, and by the end of dinnereveryone was relaxed and laughing easily at sharedstories and corny jokes.

Such business team meals are not unusual.Sophisticated clients realize that bringing profession-al people together in a casual environment encour-ages personal bonding, which will build a stronger,more cohesive, and cooperative team. What wasspecial about this dinner, though, was the client’shonest expression of gratitude. She made a point ofsaying “thank you” to each of us. I felt honoredwhen she singled me out for recognition, and I’msure that others must have felt something similar.After all, we all like to be appreciated; to receiveanother’s words of gratitude. When someone sin-cerely says, “Thank you,” something in our internalmakeup recognizes this as a great gift, and in turnwe feel grateful and humbled to be the recipient.

What exactly is gratitude, though? As with allhuman emotions, psychologists have attempted todefine it. One definition that I discovered notes thatgratitude is “an emotion that involves indebtednesstoward another person,” and that this emotion aris-es when one receives something that meets thefollowing criteria:


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• It is valued by the recipient.• It is costly to the benefactor.• It is given with positive intention.• It is given graciously, without any societal or

professional obligation.

According to this definition, when these four cri-teria are met and we allow the emotion to arise, weexperience gratitude. This definition is neat and con-cise and clearly outlines the situation in which grati-tude is the appropriate response. The problem withthis definition, though, is that it makes gratitudeconditional. When one of the criteria is not met—forexample, when we don’t value the gift or when wedon’t believe that the gift is costly (monetarily, emo-tionally, or temporally) to the giver—according tothis definition, we are excused from feeling gratitude.

Ethical, religious, and spiritual traditions encour-age us to adopt a higher perspective on gratitude.From this point of view, gratitude is something farmore profound than a momentary “thank you” for aspecific gift. Within many of these traditions, includ-ing Judaism, the first prayer that a practitioner saysimmediately upon awakening is, “I am thankful forhaving awakened to another day.” This feeling ofgratitude comes from an existential awareness thatour bodies, our minds, our families and friends, theworld in all its miraculous diversity, and all that we

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have are gifts. And that these gifts are given to usunconditionally, at every moment of our lives.

This can be very difficult to incorporatebecause, as noted earlier, we tend to associate grat-itude only with the receipt of a gift that we perceiveto be valuable. When bad events inevitably happenin our lives—disappointments, illness, conflicts,deaths of loved ones—we naturally feel bitter andcan easily believe that there is nothing to be thankfulfor. Conversely, when good things happen, we maybe tempted to take all the credit and believe that wehave achieved these successes solely based on ourown efforts and attributes.

At the deepest level of gratitude, though, wecan feel grateful not only for our successes, but alsofor our problems, our faults and mistakes, and evenfor people who treat usunkindly. We can actuallyfeel gratitude for our mostdifficult struggles becauseall of these are seen assomehow beneficial in ourlives, even if the intentionis not always immediatelyclear to us.

All religious and spiri-tual traditions stress the


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At the deepest level ofgratitude, though, wecan feel grateful notonly for our success-es, but also for ourproblems, our faultsand mistakes, andeven for people whotreat us unkindly.


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essential nature of gratitude and place it as thebedrock of faith. Gratitude is the very basis of ourconnection to each other and, ultimately, to theDivine. Seen from the highest religious and spiritualperspective, gratitude is the glue that binds us to ourtrue selves and to our highest calling. The greatesthuman spirits have recognized that unconditionalgratitude is one of the most rewarding and transfor-mative practices that we can undertake.

Cicero, the versatile Roman philosopher, stated:

Gratitude is not only the greatest of the virtues,but the parent of all the others.

In a similar vein, the thirteenth-centuryChristian mystic, Meister Eckhart, advised:

If the only prayer you said your whole life was“thank you,” that would suffice.

Psalm 136 sums this up most succinctly, by sim-ply declaring:

Give thanks, because it is good.

And, in her own way, the client who so gra-ciously toasted her team for work done and yet tobe done was demonstrating the power of gratitude.From these, we learn that gratitude is available to usat any moment and under any circumstance, even—or especially—when we are not feeling particularlythankful.

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A person recently came into our office for aninterview to fill a senior position. We were veryimpressed by his credentials, clear presentation,maturity, and personality, so we asked him to send aproposal outlining his employment requirements. Afew days later, we received an email with hisresponse. Included in his requirements, along withthe usual list of salary, benefits, and other incentives,was a brief description of his request for a “work/lifebalance” in order to allow for time with family andcommunity.

In retrospect, what was most surprising aboutthis request was that it was not surprising. There isnow a growing awareness in the business communi-ty that employees are more than mere producersand that people should be allowed the ability to jug-gle the many demands on their time and attention.

THE POWER OF THREE

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This is a huge and recent change. When I firstentered the business world 25 years ago, if I hadasked for a work/life balance, after my employer hadstopped laughing, I probably would have been told:“How’s this for work/life balance, buddy? Workmore if you want to live!”

We all innately need balance in our lives. In addi-tion to work, we need to focus our attention on ourspouses, children, recreation, excursions, hobbies,community, and religious practices. Can we reallyachieve balance, though? Won’t our career suffer;won’t we be left in the dust of the more ambitious—the seemingly more focused—competitor? Let’s behonest, do we really even want balance? Balanceisn’t a very exciting concept. Balance is boring. Welearn from our culture to celebrate those who havemastered extremes, whe-ther in sports, business, orentertainment. Isn’t bal-ance, by its very nature, aconcession to mediocrity?Shouldn’t we focus on onething and master it?

The answers to thesequestions come through adeeper understanding of


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We all innately needbalance in our lives.In addition to work,we need to focus ourattention on ourspouses, children,recreation, excur-sions, hobbies, com-munity, and religiouspractices.


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the nature of true balance. An ancient, profound,and concise statement of the need for balance canbe found in a famous quote by the great rabbi knownas Simon the Righteous, who lived nearly two thou-sand years ago. He said:

The world stands on three things, Torah,Prayer, and Acts of Kindness.

These words of Simon seem at first to be verysimple, but this simplicity is deceptive. After deeperinvestigation, we see a glimpse into a universal truththat addresses our very make-up. Simon has distilleda profound truth into one sentence, and there isgreat wisdom is this short aphorism. Let’s examinethese three things: “Torah” literally means teachingand refers to the need to engage the mind in study;”Prayer” refers to the need to engage the soulthrough sincere conversation with the Divine; and“Acts of Kindness” refers to the need to engage thebody in the helping of others. When I think ofSimon’s words, I imagine a pyramid—the strongest,most stable simple structure. It is so strong becauseall parts work in unison to resist pressure. Push onany point or side of a pyramid, and the other pointsand sides will be engaged to resist and evenly dis-tribute the load. It is very difficult to knock over apyramid or to deform its shape. According to Simon,it is on this cooperative three-legged structure thatthe world, itself, stands.

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Fortunately, in our very essence, we have beengiven the capacity to address these three things. Toengage our minds, we have been given the gift of thecapacity for curiosity. To engage our souls, we havebeen given the gift of the capacity for faith. Toengage our bodies to perform beneficial actions, wehave been given the gift of the capacity for compas-sion. It is curiosity that propels us to study; faith thatpropels us to pray; and compassion that propels us toperform acts of kindness. What Simon is saying isthat we need to activate all three of these centers inorder to be complete beings and that our future—infact, the very continuation of the world—hinges onthis balance.

When we fail to achieve this kind of balance, welive below our innate potential and purpose. Wehave seen the damage caused by “lopsided” atti-tudes. An excessive focus on the mind (curiosity)can lead to egotism, physical illness, and indifferenceto others. An excessive focus on prayer (faith) canlead to fanaticism, extreme asceticism, and intoler-ance. An excessive focus on acts of kindness (com-passion) can lead to a loss of self-nurturing, theinability to set healthy boundaries, and a lack of crit-ical judgment. This teaching—that there are threebasic components to our inherent nature and that tolive fully and meaningfully we must honor all three ofthese components—is actually found in all spiritualtraditions. It is also amazing to see how many other


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arenas, from the theoretical realm of science andpsychology, to the practical realm of business, gov-ernment, and entertainment, distill their essence to athree-sided structure. Here is a diverse sampling:

Science/Government/Psychology/Philosophy

• The physical universe is based on three irre-ducible components: space, time, and matter.

• The atom, the basic building block of matter,consists of three forces: electron (the negativeforce), neutron (the neutral force), and proton(the positive force).

• We live in a three-dimensional reality: right/left,up/down, and forward/backward.

• We experience time in three ways: past, pres-ent, and future.

• There are three primary colors, from which allother colors are created: red, blue, and yellow.

• Our bodies contain three primary systems:nervous, circulatory, and skeletal.

• Freud identified three levels of psyche: id (theunconscious), ego (the conscious), and super-ego (the higher self).

• We have three branches of government thatmaintain the delicate checks and balances ofpower: executive, legislative, and judicial.

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Religion/Mysticism/Metaphysics

• Christian tradition refers to the Holy Trinity:Father (the Creator), Son (the Redeemer), andHoly Spirit (the Mystery).

• The Buddhist eight-fold path is divided intothree essential categories: Wisdom (the path toright knowledge), Virtue (the path to rightaction), and Concentration (the path to rightthought).

• Islam, a religion that fiercely defends God’sunity, has three main sects: Sunni (the schol-ars), Shiite (the traditionalists), and Sufi (themystics).

• Traditional Hindu belief divides the God-headinto three primary manifestations: Brahma (theCreator), Vishnu (the Teacher), and Shiva (theDestroyer).

• There are three Jewish Patriarchs: Abraham—whose attribute is Mercy, Isaac—whose attrib-ute is Strength, and Jacob—whose attribute isTruth.

• Finally, the injunction by Moses to the Childrenof Israel as they prepare to enter the PromisedLand addresses the three components of ourbeing: “And you will love the Lord your Godwith [1] all your heart, [2] with all your soul,and [3] with all your might.”


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OK, let’s get back to business—literally. Thismay sound good on paper, but can it be practiced,and what are the consequences? Studies of workersall point to the fact that a person who is given theopportunity to blend work with family and outsidepersonal interests actually performs at a higher leveland is more productive and, of course, happier thanthe person who is not given such flexibility. All for-ward-thinking companies have programs that allowworkers to address all their diverse and often-diver-gent needs. This may include flex time, work-at-home strategies, or responsibility-sharing with othermembers of the team. This is simply good foremployee retention and a healthy bottom line. We’velearned in the hard-nose world of business theimportance of balance.

Balance is VERY difficult to achieve (as I writethese words, I realize that I haven’t called my kidsrecently to see how college life is going, I haven’tbeen to the gym as often as I’d like, I’ve done very lit-tle charitable work this year, I haven’t prayed sincere-ly in too long, I haven’t visited my Rabbi is severalweeks, I need to follow-up on a few projects, returnseveral calls…), and we all find ourselves pulled toone side of the pyramid at certain periods of ourlives; but as all religious traditions recognize, theneed for balance is built into the laws of theUniverse, and the ability to achieve it is embedded inour inherent human nature. After all, as Simon the

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Righteous taught us, nothing less than the future ofthe world depends upon it.

Post ScriptWe hired the individual who requested

“work/life balance.” He has helped teach us, throughhis example, how to provide exceptional profession-al services while balancing his commitments to hischildren, his health, and his personal interests.Thanks Jeff!


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[I wrote this paper as part of my rabbinical studies and have

included it here to help explain the techniques and benefits of

meditation—a popular but often misunderstood practice.]

OK, everyone, please get in a comfortable posi-tion; back straight, head slightly tilted downward,hands open on your laps, feet lightly touching theground. Now, breathe in deeply through your nose.Feel the air enter your body, filling your lungs. Holdthe breath for a few seconds, and slowly exhalethrough your mouth. Breathe in again, and concen-trate on your breath as you gently close youreyes….

Does this dialogue sound familiar? Most of usrecognize it as the instructions for meditation. Youmay have personally experienced meditation in ayoga class, at a workshop, retreat, prayer service, oreven at a business seminar. If you have not evermeditated, perhaps you may have seen it in a movie

TAKE A BREATH

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or TV show. Or maybe your doctor suggested thatyou give it a try because meditation is now general-ly accepted as a valuable means for relaxation andfocus. Today, meditation is so common that few peo-ple have not been exposed to it in some form. It’sstartling to realize how quickly this acceptance ofmeditation has occurred here in the Western world.Just one generation ago, meditation was delegatedto the realm of obscure Buddhist/Hindu spirituality,and those who practiced it were often labeled as“New Agers” or as just plain “flakes” (a label I nowlook back on with fondness).

Now many mainstream Western religionsinclude meditation in prayer services, and most offermeditation classes and workshops. I have participat-ed in many such classes myself, in Jewish, Christian,Buddhist, and Hindu venues, and have led medita-tion sessions, taught different techniques, and haveintroduced several forms of meditation in prayerservices. I am often asked, though, “Isn’t meditationonly an Eastern tradition? Haven’t we [Western tra-ditions] simply taken a Buddhist or Hindu practiceand grafted it on to ours in order to please the cur-rent trend?” As a Rabbi, I have even been tolddirectly, “Meditation just isn’t Jewish!”

Although many Americans in the ‘60s, ‘70s, and‘80s were searching for spirituality through alterna-tive paths, including meditation, few knew that meditation is actually a traditional Judeo/Christian


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practice. The origins of this practice are obscure, butthere are numerous references to some sort of med-itation in the Bible, and many scholars believe thatmeditation was practiced during the time when theFirst (Solomon’s) Temple stood in Jerusalem (1,000BC–586 BC). By the first to second centuries, med-itation was so popular that the Talmud notes thatover one million Jews were involved in meditation atthat time. Early Christianity adopted this practice,and by the Middle Ages, meditation was a well-known technique among the Jewish and Christianphilosophers and mystics, as well as Muslim Sufis.We have many texts from that period that specifi-cally address meditation techniques.

Meditation flourished in many European com-munities until the mid-nineteenth century, when theintellectual pressures of industrialization banishedmeditative practices to the realm of irrational super-stition. After the Dalai Lama fled Tibet in 1959, tra-ditional Buddhist meditation was introduced to thewestern world. Soon, modern Jewish and Christianscholars and teachers discovered that meditationalso has deep roots closer to home, and in 1983, withthe publication of Jewish Meditation, by Rabbi AryehKaplan (a book that I gratefully acknowledge hasinformed much of the content in this paper), a deepvein of forgotten meditative tradition was revealedto a Judeo/Christian audience.

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Now that meditation is experiencing a renewal,we must ask two basic questions: “What is medita-tion?” and “Why meditate?” Numerous books andmanuals have been devoted to answering the firstquestion, discussing various meditation traditionsand techniques. Most meditative techniques,though, are very similar in form and may involvesuch simple actions as mentioned in the beginning ofthis paper: sitting quietly, slowly and deliberatelybreathing in and out, with a concentration on themovement of the breath. Another meditation mayinclude continued chanting of a phrase or sustainedfocus on an image. Still another may involve slowlyrepeating a simple activity, such as walking, withcareful attention on the details of the activity; kneebending, thigh lifting, body raising, heel touching theground, toes pushing off for another step….

The second question, “Why meditate?” has var-ied answers. The physical benefits were alreadymentioned. Scientific studies have proven that regu-lar meditation provides powerful physical results,including reduced levels of anxiety, lower blood pres-sure, increased immunity, deeper, more restful sleep,and improved pain management. These benefitsalone make meditation a worthwhile practice.Meditation, however, can affect much more thanonly the body. Meditation can produce a heightenedawareness that affects body, mind, emotion, andspirit. Practiced on a regular basis, meditation can


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slowly transform the med-itator, leading to profoundsustained personalchanges on all levels.

So how does the sim-ple act of sitting, repeatinga phrase or action, breath-ing and exhaling, produce such results? Most medi-tative techniques are designed to quiet the mind andemotions, and slow the body. This process interruptsthe meditator’s typical patterns of thought andresponse in order to allow the meditator to receiveinformation and sensations that are usually blockedby emotions or drowned out by the chatter of themind. This is the meditative state.

For those who have never experienced a medi-tative state, it is somewhat difficult to articulatebecause the language that describes it is essentiallymetaphorical, like the description of other experien-tial states such as love, pleasure, or pain. What canbe said, though, is that this is a receptive state,where the meditator may experience subtler sensa-tions than normally available and access a deepersense of self, free from identification with that whichis transient. In this receptive state, change andgrowth can more readily occur, whether it is physi-cal healing, the ability to see events, relationships,

Take a Breath

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and motivations more clearly, or the revelation ofspiritual insight and guidance.

To an outside observer, most meditations andmeditators may look alike, but the real action is hap-pening inside. It is the meditator’s focus that deter-mines the results. This is made clear when we notethat the most common word for meditation inJewish literature is kavanah*. Although usuallytranslated as “feeling” or “concentration,” the root ofthis word is kaven—to aim. Therefore, kavanahinvolves “aiming,” or deliberately focusing con-sciousness toward a certain goal. From this view-point, meditation may be defined as “directed con-sciousness” or “focused mind.” In different medita-tion traditions, these goals vary, from the desire for ahealthy body, clarity of mind, or equanimity of emotion.

In most religions, the ultimate goal of meditationis a lofty one; to transcend the limitations of ego inorder to create a connection with the Divine. Thesource of this practice may be traced to the Biblestory of Elijah who, asking to see God’s presence, satquietly until he heard the “still, small voice.” AryehKaplan eloquently sums up this goal:

On the highest level, meditation can provide aperson with a personal experience of God. Thisis certainly the highest spiritual experience.Our experience of God is often clouded by egoand anthropomorphism, so that we tend to seeGod as a mirror image of ourselves. By freeing


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the mind of these encumbrances, meditationcan help us to open our minds totally to theexperience of God. In many religious traditions,including Judaism, this is the highest goal ofmeditation.

Meditation, when practiced with this intention,is a holy activity and can be a partner to prayer, actsof kindness, and study, as a powerful tool for per-sonal growth and transformation. So…

[Continue breathing, slowly and deeply. Focus on the breath as

it moves in and out. As thoughts and feelings arise, gently let

them pass, without judgment, as you return to the breath. Over

and over, return your attention to the breath, as it nourishes

your body…]

*Two other well-known Hebrew terms for meditation are

hitbonenut and hitbodedut—literally, “self-knowledge” and

“self-isolation.” For an in-depth explanation, read JewishMeditation, by Aryeh Kaplan.

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[The following is an address that I delivered to a graduating

class of Rabbis in 2007. This is included here because the call

to spiritual service that applies to clergy and teachers also

applies to all who want to live a life of meaning and purpose.]

It’s startling to realize that not long ago, I sat whereyou are now sitting, ready to receive rabbinic ordi-nation. It’s startling because I have experienced somany changes since that day; changes that I couldnot have imagined as I proudly and nervously sat inyour chair. Now as I look back, I realize that in avery real sense, a new life began for me on that day.By the end of the day, I was no longer simply a per-son who, like most of us, raises a family, works hardat his job, and tries to do the right thing—as well ashe understands it. Suddenly, I was a spiritual teacher,and with that title came the literally awesomeresponsibility of living and acting in accordance withthat calling.

GO FORTH

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The fact that you are here today means that youalso heard that call and that you consciouslyanswered. You decided to commit yourself to a lifeof spiritual service, continuing a nearly 4,000 yeartradition of dedication, struggle, perseverance, andtransformation. According to the Bible, this traditionbegan with one man, who was the first to hear andrespond to the call to holy service. This man was liv-ing comfortably with his family in the city of Charan,in modern-day Turkey, when suddenly at the age of75, he heard the Divine voice:

Go forth, from your land, and from your birth,and from your father’s house, to a land that Iwill show you.

According to the Bible, this lone man immedi-ately packed his belongings, gathered his wife, hisnephew, and his followers, and headed for Canaan—Israel. There, he established a new faith that pro-claimed that there is one God, Who created us, sus-tains us, and loves us. Of course, the world knowsthis lone man as Abraham, father of Judaism,Christianity, and Islam.

This text is somewhat perplexing, though, andseveral questions quickly arise:

1. First of all, although the first words—Lech lechain Hebrew—are usually translated as “Goforth,” they literally can be translated as “Goto/for yourself,” since the word lecha means


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“for” or “to yourself.” It seems as though onlyLech (“Go”) would have sufficed. What doesthis mean?

2. Second, why does the text mention “yourland,” “your birth,” and “your father’s house?”Aren’t these redundant? What’s the differencebetween these places?

3. Third, why is the destination unspecified?Abraham is asked to go to a land that God willshow him, but how can Abraham go to a placebefore he knows where it is?

4. Finally, can we really believe that Abraham—atthe age of 75, comfortably settled in Charan,with family, wealth, and status—would soreadily leave?

Because Abraham was, in essence, the firstRabbi—the first man to accept the calling to teachand live in accordance with ethical monotheism—the answers to these questions provide essentialinsight into the rabbinic journey. Let’s look at eachquestion separately:

1. The spiritual journey begins with a dedicationto understand and fulfill our purpose in this lifeand to live in accordance with the Divine will.To do this, we must first look inward to oursoul, which is in eternal connection to God. Inthis way, Abraham’s first step was to go

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inward, to embark on an internal journeybefore embarking on a physical one. The wordlecha, then, carries the imperative to lookinward and to do this for yourself, so you willbe prepared. Like Abraham, you too haveembarked on this internal journey when youdecided, for yourselves, to study to become aRabbi.

2. Abraham could not be an effective spiritualleader while living in Charan, a land filled withcynicism, idolatry, and selfishness. Abrahamneeded to leave that land so that his, and theworld’s, larger destiny could unfold in a new,Holy Land. For us, this journey is not necessar-ily a physical relocation, but a spiritual shift. Wetoo need to leave our negative inclinations—represented by Charan—behind so that we canbuild a community of morality and faith. This isleaving “your land.” Next, we must also leavebehind the specifics of our genetics—“yourbirth.” Whether you are short, tall, white,black, gay, or straight, your birth characteristicsdo not determine your potential. LikeAbraham, we must leave these superficial anddivisive categories behind in order to fully serveas a Rabbi. Finally, leaving your “father’s house”means leaving the limitations of the customsand values of your specific culture and havingthe courage to challenge aspects that are not inkeeping with the higher values that you have


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learned and will continue to learn. This can bea very difficult and painful process, but as wesee from Abraham’s example, it is essential sothat we can act purely, free of baggage.

3. I have discovered that as a Rabbi—and a per-son—I don’t really know where I’m going. Theroad is unfolding in wonderful, challenging, andunexpected ways, and I am learning (with all-too regular resistance) to trust that my pathwill gradually be revealed over the rest of mylife. This is what the text means by “the landthat I will show you.” The important thing is toget on the road; to make the decision toembark on a committed spiritual path. If youwait to have a crystal-clear idea of exactlywhat you are meant to do and how you aremeant to do it, you will be stuck in paralysis.Just get started with one step. That was mydecision and my commitment, as it is yours.There are no assurances, no guarantees, andno promises that the road will be smooth, andyou can be sure thatyou will stumble alongthe way. LikeAbraham, though, weare required to beginthe journey with thefaith that the way willgradually be revealed.

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I don’t really knowwhere I’m going. Theroad is unfolding in wonderful,challenging, andunexpected ways.


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4. The fact that you are here answers the lastquestion. When the call to spiritual service isheard and taken to heart, age, comfort, andhabit are no barriers. As a matter of fact,Rabbis, like any teachers, are most effectivewhen they have experienced life and when theyconsciously make the choice to be a guide,regardless of age or social status.

Abraham’s journey is the model for answeringthe spiritual call. As he learned, it is not always aneasy journey and is filled with unexpected chal-lenges, set-backs, and vast promise. Like Abrahamyou have heard and you have answered. Althoughyou may not know exactly where you are going, likeAbraham, you will be sustained by the faith thatGod will show you the way. So, like Abraham, mayyour journey be filled with joy, growth, abundance,occasional struggle, dedication, faith, and purpose;and like Abraham, may your life be a blessing.


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[The following essay was written for the students of a monthly

Bible Study class that I lead, which fits in well with this book’s

theme of finding wholeness.]

There seems to be a paradox at the very essenceof our beings. On one hand, we are all discrete enti-ties, separated from each other by our individualphysical bodies, our personal histories, our sense ofidentity, our ideas, specific individual genetic make-up, cultures, and inherent inclinations. In the mostliteral sense, we are each alone. On the other hand,we are communal creatures, drawn together for sur-vival, commerce, companionship, and love. Andwhen we make a deep connection with another per-son, we realize that our separation is an illusory sur-face phenomenon and sense that in some way, ourreal nature is unity.

Somehow we contain both of these qualities—separation and connection—even though these two

THE LONELY MAN

BALANCING FAITH ANDAMBITION


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qualities appear to be diametrically opposed and callupon conflicting actions: the first requires that westrengthen our sense of individuality and its bound-aries, and the other requires that we let go of ouregos to allow for a finer, truer self to emerge. Weknow that some people, by temperament, lean moretoward one than the other, but we are all irreduciblyboth separate and connected.

How can we make sense of this paradox, and isthere a purpose or meaning to this observation? Theopening chapters of the Bible shed light on thesequestions. Many people—even avid Bible readers—may not realize that the Book of Genesis containstwo different stories of the creation of humanbeings. The first story outlines the six days of cre-ation, beginning with the explosion of the primordiallight on the first day, followed by the creation ofoceans, dry land, the heavenly bodies, and all livingcreatures, and ending with the sanctification of theSabbath on the seventh day. The second story tellsthe familiar tale of Adam and Eve in the Garden ofEden, the snake, the forbidden fruit, and the expul-sion. These two stories are not conflicting accountsof historical events and are not an error in redactionor a compromise between regional traditions. Thesestories are, instead, allegorical descriptions of ourinherent dual nature. The most comprehensive andcogent exploration of these stories and their mean-ing can be found in The Lonely Man of Faith, written


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by Joseph Soloveitchik, first published in 1965. Thisis a very personal book; a masterpiece of self-revela-tion, philosophy and theology, and is one of thetwentieth-century’s most insightful reflections onhumanity and our purpose here in this world.

Soloveitchik was a complex and controversialfigure who lived a traditional religious lifestyle whileembracing the modern world of science and philoso-phy, reaching out to those of all beliefs, and partici-pating in interfaith dialogues.

He occupies a unique and vital position; a pas-sionate moderate. He railed against extremism in anyform. “All extremism, fanaticism, and obscurantismcome from a lack of security,” he said, concludingsimply, “A person who is secure cannot be anextremist.” He was not willing to blindly accept anyprepackaged agenda, insisting on finding a path thatmet his deepest yearnings, and his writings reflectthis commitment to find a personal path as he pub-licly searched for a reasoned and resonant center.

In 1965, he gave a series of lectures in New YorkCity, which were later compiled as The Lonely Manon Faith. Soloveitchik sets the tone for the bookfrom the very start with a candid, humble statement.

Instead of talking theology, in the didacticsense, eloquently and in balanced sentences, Iwould like, hesitatingly and haltingly, to confidein you, and to share with you some concerns

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which weigh heavily on my mind and whichfrequently assume the proportions of an aware-ness of crisis…. The nature of the dilemma canbe stated in a three-word sentence. I am lonely.

He explains that this feeling of loneliness doesnot stem from being alone. In fact, he notes, he issurrounded by loved ones and close relationships.Rather, Soloveitchik asserts, his loneliness is an exis-tential state of feeling isolated and separate fromthose around him. “I am lonely,” he says, “because inmy humble, inadequate way, I am a man of faith.”Seeking to understand this condition, Soloveitchikfinds clues in the Bible’s two accounts of the cre-ation of human beings. The first, from Genesis 1:27-28, reads:

So God created man [“Adam”, which has thesame root as the words “dirt” and “red”] inGod’s own image, in the image of God he wascreated, male and female God created them.And God blessed them and said to them: Befruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and sub-due it, and have dominion over the fish of thesea, over the fowl of the heaven, and over allthe beasts which crawl on the earth.

The second story of the creation of man is fromGenesis 2:7-8, 2:15:

And the Eternal God formed the man [Adam] ofthe dust of the ground and breathed into hisnostrils the breath of life and man became a liv-ing soul. And the Eternal God planted a garden


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eastward in Eden … And the Eternal God tookthe man and placed him in the Garden of Edento serve it and to keep it.

Soloveitchik labels the main character in the firststory of creation “Adam I,” and the second “AdamII,” and notes that there are several major discrepan-cies between these stories, which can be brieflysummarized as follows:

1. Regarding Adam I, the Bible states that he wascreated “in the image of God” but mentionsnothing about the creation of his body, whileregarding Adam II, the Bible says that he wasfashioned from dust and then God breathed lifeinto him.

2. Adam I is told to “Fill the earth and subdue it,”while Adam II is charged to cultivate the garden.

3. In the first account, male and female are creat-ed concurrently, while in the second account,Adam is created alone and Eve appears later,created from Adam’s “side.”

4. The first account refers to God only by theHebrew name Elohim, while the secondaccount also uses the Tetragrammaton, thefour-letter sacred, unpronounceable name ofGod, vocalized as Adonai (literally, “My Lord”).

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Soloveitchik observes that in the first story,Adam I is self-contained, self-directed, and confi-dent. Having been created in “God’s image,” Adam Iaspires to be like his Creator and to “subdue theearth.” With his intellect and capacity for technolo-gy, Adam I works to control nature and representsthe conquest of the human mind over nature; oforder over chaos. Adam I is also created simultane-ously as both man and woman, so he finds naturalcomfort in community and does not suffer from feel-ings of loneliness as he works with others to helpconquer nature. Adam I lives in a “majestic commu-nity,” where he seeks dignity. Soloveitchik writes:

Dignity is a social and behavioral category,expressing not an intrinsic existential quality,but a technique of living, a way of impressingsociety … Only the man who builds hospitals,discovers therapeutic techniques, and saveslives is blessed with dignity.

Unlike Adam I, who was commanded to controland manipulate nature, Adam II is placed in the gar-den “to cultivate it and to keep it.” Having been cre-ated from the dust of the earth, Adam II is humbleand passive. He is a caretaker and gardener, whorespects all of creation and recognizes that man ispart of nature. In the second creation story, Godblew life in to Adam’s nostrils, so Adam II has adirect connection to his Creator. Adam II was creat-ed alone, without his female counterpart, and hemakes his way through life feeling separate. In order


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for him to have a companion, he must sacrifice partof his very being (his “side”). Community, then, ispainful for Adam II. When God observes of AdamII’s situation that it is “not good to be alone,”Soloveitchik notes that:

“To be” means to be the only one, singular anddifferent, and consequently lonely. For whatcauses man to be lonely and feel insecure if notthe awareness of his uniqueness and exclusive-ness?

Adam II’s natural state, therefore, is lonelinessand discomfort with others, so he seeks to relieve hisloneliness through a redemptive relationship with theDivine.

Soloveitchik sees that Adam I can only relate tothe Divine through creativity, while Adam II has a“genuine living experience.” This is in keeping withthe different names used for God in these twoaccounts. For Adam I, God is called Elohim, which,in the Bible, refers to God’s attributes of transcen-dence and creativity. For Adam II, the name Adonaiis added, which refers to God’s attributes of imma-nence and mercy. Adam I experiences God as dis-tant and unknowable, while for Adam II, God is literally as close as his very breath. Adam I is focusedon worldly pursuits and navigates social interactionswith ease, while Adam II wrestles with feeling thathe is incomplete and cannot engage others easily.

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Soloveitchik here identifies with Adam II. His loneli-ness stems from his feeling of isolation in his struggleto communicate his deepest spiritual yearnings to aworld that seems to idolize its own power and intel-lect; a world dominated by Adam I’s attributes ofcreativity and control.

Here, Soloveitchik discovers one of the greatlessons from the two creation stories: They aredescriptions of the two major inherent characteris-tics of human beings.

Adam the first, majestic man of dominion andsuccess, and Adam the second, the lonely manof faith, obedience, and defeat, are not two dif-ferent people locked in an external confronta-tion, but one person who is involved in self-confrontation. …In every one of us abide twopersonae—the creative majestic Adam the first,and the submissive, humble Adam the second.

Although most of us are created with a naturalaffinity for one for the other, both of these aspectsare essential in order to be fully human, and each ofus needs to recognize, embrace, and integrate theseapparent opposites of our nature. A crisis betweenthese two aspects of humanity occurs when theattributes of Adam I are not balanced by Adam II;when our urge to create and dominate pushes asideour ability to experience humility, gratitude, andfaith. We have all experienced this phenomenon;when our rational, scientific mind, with its need to


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understand and control, overwhelms our subtler fac-ulties. In those moments, we come to believe that allour accomplishments are only a result of our ownefforts and forget that our lives are intertwined withothers and that we are sustained by an unendinggracious Source. The result is arrogance and insensi-tivity. On the other hand, we have been given amind and a body to physically accomplish what isneeded and to live in supportive community. Toretreat into spiritual isolation and live only to exploreindividual mystical experiences is equally self-centered and is an abdication of our responsibilitiesto others.

There are those involved in religion, for example,who find in it only the mastery of tradition and ritu-al and the reinforcement by a loose community oflike-minded people. For these people, faith has beencovered by the thin topsoil of the form of religion,until the notion of true faith—a desire to connect tothe Divine—is completely hidden. Conversely,though, faith needs a vessel, a form, and a practicebecause faith without action is also incomplete.

One part of us knows action; another knowsprayer. We need both. The reconciliation of theseopposites comes with conscious attention. We mustbalance the will to subdue with the humility of lone-liness. We must walk confidently and honor ourintellect, while bending in gratitude and humility to

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that which we cannot rationally comprehend. Wemust respect our bodies and our own needs, whilerecognizing that everyone and everything is eternal-ly connected to, and a product of, the same Source.

As the Bible notes, it isnot good to be alone, andin the integration of thesetwo inherent natures, wefind wholeness.


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I have recently been rereading the weekly mes-sages from the last twelve months in preparation forcompiling a selection of them into this book. As Iwas working to arrange them, I noticed one consis-tent theme that continued to emerge. This themeseemed to underlie the content and direction of allthe weekly messages, whether the subject was con-flict of interest, happiness, persistence, or ethicalwealth. Perhaps this is because this theme is onethat resonates for me, or perhaps this is some sort ofbedrock teaching, or perhaps I’m just not very ver-satile. Whatever the case, the one theme that con-sistently runs through all the weekly messages isthis: the need to struggle to see beyond easy, pack-aged answers and to avoid “either/or” thinking; toembrace apparent opposites and become comfort-able with paradox. In the language of philosophy and

WHAT’S IN YOURPOCKET?

INTEGRATING OPPOSITES


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theology, this theme, sim-ply stated, is the rejectionof dualistic thinking.

Dualism refers to thebelief that the world isessentially composed oftwo opposite, battlingforces: good vs. evil, rightvs. wrong, physical vs.spiritual, mind vs. spirit,order vs. chaos, securityvs. freedom, justice vs.compassion, doer vs. thinker, serious vs. frivolous,religious vs. scientific, faith vs. doubt, spiritual vs.realistic, us vs. them, me vs. you. Many philosophi-cal and religious traditions utterly reject dualism,which, they argue, is an illusory, erroneous, and dan-gerous world view that, because it is based on faultyassumptions, inevitably leads to disastrous results.

Dualism is a simplistic way of thinking that allowsus to believe that there is one exclusive avenue toabsolute truth to which we can subscribe, and thatthose who disagree—or that which contradicts—this truth are absolutely wrong. When we divide ourreality into two opposing camps, we immediately setup a confrontation with no resolution except the


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The one theme thatconsistently runsthrough all the weeklymessages is this: theneed to struggle to seebeyond easy, pack-aged answers, and toavoid “either/or”thinking; to embraceapparent opposites.


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conversion or destruction of one of them. In mystictraditions such as Zen and Kaballah, the cause of allour suffering is this dualistic thinking, stemming fromour attachment to shifting transient forms and ourfear of discovering who we really are. A dualisticmind is intolerant of anyone or anything that differsfrom its claim to truth and sees one who disagrees asignorant or as a dangerous adversary. A maturemind, these spiritual traditions teach, is comfortablewith contradictions, accepts that there is much thatwe simply cannot know, and sees paradoxes asavenues to higher, unified truths. As my teacher,Rabbi Joseph Gelberman, often advises:

Never say, “Instead of.” Always say, “In addi-tion to.”

The philosophical solution to dualism is foundthrough a method knownas “dialectic.” Dialecticthinking requires that weopenly examine both sidesof an issue until a synthesisis found that integratesviews from both to find ahigher truth that fuses theopposites. This fusion ofopposites seems to be builtinto nature. Quantum

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When we divide ourreality into twoopposing camps, weimmediately set up aconfrontation with noresolution except theconversion ordestruction of one ofthem.


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physics has demonstrated that electrons are some-how both physical (particles) and non-physical(waves) at the same time. The resolution is the the-ory that matter exists only in a potential state untilan observer participates. A more accessible, experi-ential example is the fact that we reconcile oppositesat every moment of our lives, with every thought.Our brains, which are composed of physical matter,somehow produce a non-physical product calledthoughts. The synthesis of these opposites is theunderstanding that our minds are the unity of matterand non-matter, animated by the primordial flow ofconsciousness that enters our bodies.

A good example of unifying opposites comesfrom Herb Elliot, who was the world record holderin the mile run from 1958 to 1962. Mr. Elliot had thisto say about what it takes to achieve at that level:

To be a world-record holder in the mile, a manmust have the arrogance it takes to believe hecan run faster than anyone ever has at the dis-tance; and the humility it takes to actually do it.

We typically think of arrogance and humility asopposites, and most of us believe that arrogancemust be tamed to develop humility. Yet, there aretimes when healthy arrogance—which can bedefined as the belief that, in a particular area, youare more knowledgeable, capable, or skilled thanothers—is needed; when you should forcefully fol-low your own agenda. As Henry Ford said:


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If I had asked my customers what they wanted,they would have said a faster horse.

And, of course, there are times when truehumility—the knowledge that we are all limited andfinite—is called for. Einstein, who penetrated deeperinto the workings of the Universe than any otherhuman being, and who certainly had the right to bearrogant, said:

What separates me from most so-called athe-ists is a feeling of utter humility toward theunattainable secrets of the harmony of the cosmos.

Einstein thought that those who view the vast-ness of the Universe only through the narrow lensesof their own intellects, have become so rigid that“they cannot hear the music of the spheres.” Thepride in their intellect cut them off from experiencingthe beauty and power—and, hence, the realnature—of the very object that they are studying.

Elliot noted that arrogance and humility are bothqualities that can be harnessed toward a common,purposeful goal. We know, though, that these quali-ties are usually not so simple. Often, the appearanceof arrogance is developed in order to hide uncom-fortable feelings of shame and insecurity, and humil-ity may be a false front to cover a raging ego.

In the same way, faith may be a shield to avoidlooking at our doubts, bigotry may be a means fordeflecting one’s sense of inadequacy, and skepticism


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may be a fabricated tough front to protect someonewho is inherently trusting but is afraid to bestowthat trust. In this way, we see that these apparentopposites may simply be defense mechanisms toprotect a part of us from which we feel vulnerable.The resolution is in having the awareness to becomeconscious of this dynamic and the courage to exposeyour true self. Then, the “opposites” can be seensimply as construction pieces of the same object,which has been built to defensively obscure the real-ity below.

A great aphorism that teaches us how to imple-ment these opposite sides of our make-up comesfrom The Sayings of the Fathers, a book of ethical dia-logue from the Talmud that I often quote. Hillel, thegreat liberal Rabbi, who lived in the first century,famously said:

If I am not for myself, who is for me?

When I am only for myself, what am I?

If not now, when?

Hillel teaches that we have the obligation to bal-ance our personal needs, goals, ambitions, anddesires with those of others. This is not an“either/or” paradigm; we are not either selfish oraltruistic. We are both, and we need both. First, wemust look after our own needs. We cannot delegateor abdicate the responsibility to take care of ourhealth, earn a living, raise a family, and enjoy the


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pleasures that life offers. On the other hand, if thatis all we do—if our only focus is on ourselves—weare not a conscious, moral, engaged, human being.Hillel ends by saying that this is not some abstractidealistic theology, but is something that we can, andmust, implement right now. The entry point exists inthe present, each time we decide. He phrases hisaphorism in the form of questions because we aremeant to continually question ourselves and to hon-estly ask if we are properly aligned.

Before I am about to speak in public—and amgetting nervous or anxious—I often remember afavorite story about reconciling opposites and usingboth appropriately. There was a young man, thestory tells, who was asked to deliver an importantspeech to his peers and public. This was his firstopportunity to present his ideas, and he was eager toimpress. As he sits, waiting to be called up, he looksat the crowd. Recalling the motivational tapes he’sbeen listening to in preparation, he thinks,

They are going to be blown away by me. Afterthis speech, my career will take off. They won’tknow what hit ‘em!

He hears his name announced, stands upstraight, and walks proudly to the podium. As hisfoot reaches the last step, he slips, drops his papers,and catches himself on the rail. He bends over topick up his papers and tries to regain his composure.But as he reaches the lectern, he looks out to the


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crowd, sees their concerned expressions, and blush-es. Now, sweating and flushed from having revealedhis awkwardness, he hesitantly clears his throat,wipes his forehead, and, voice shaking, stumblesthrough the presentation. Head down, he walkshumbly back to his seat, as the audience politelyapplauds.

Afterwards, he sees a friend—an older man—atthe reception. The older man puts his hand on theyounger man’s shoulder and says,

“If you had gone up the way you went down,you would have gone down the way you wentup.”

In other words, if he had gone up to give hisspeech with a feeling of humility—with gratitude forthe opportunity to speak, the awareness that thereare many listening who know more than he, and therecognition that he is just at the beginning of hiscareer—he would have connected with himself, hismaterial, and his audience, in a healthy, meaningfulway and would have come down afterwards withan earned feeling of pride and accomplishment andthe energy from a real interaction with his audience.Instead, in his misplaced eagerness to impress, heactually accomplished just the opposite.

There is a wonderful teaching that helps tounderstand this dynamic. Rabbi Bunam, a nine-teenth-century Chasidic master, told his disciples:


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Every person should carry two small inscribedstones; one in each pocket. In the right pocketshould be the words, “For my sake the worldwas created.” In the left pocket should be thewords “I am but dust and ashes.”

Bunam’s teaching is similar to mile-runner HerbElliot’s remark. We need both aspects of our nature:healthy arrogance and true humility. When we prac-tice this difficult but essential balance, we begin tosee that the world is at once both more complex andmore simple than we had imagined. We can be opento new experiences and ideas and can accept our-selves and others as we are. We can put aside ourimpulse to categorize, judge and separate, and willembrace difficulties with the confidence of uncer-tainty. We will then accept success with the humili-ty that comes from the knowledge of our own inher-ent worthiness. At times, when we are feeling inse-cure, unworthy, and unloved, we can rememberthat we are created in God’s image, connected tothe Divine and that all the world’s blessings havetruly been created just for each of us. When we arefeeling superior, aloof, and self-absorbed, we canremember that we are physical creatures, that ourtime on Earth is limited, and that from the highestpossible perspective, we are all equal in God’s sight.


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I love reading NewYorker cartoons. With onepicture and a short caption, many of these cartoonslightly capture existential truths that would requireentire books to unfold. Last week’s issue featured acartoon that showed a depressed man lying on apsychiatrist’s sofa, staring aimlessly at the ceiling.The psychiatrist looks at him and says,

Just because you work at a bad bank doesn’tmean that you are a bad banker.

We are learning the hard way the devastatingresults of an unrestricted selfish focus on short-termmonetary gain: of bad bankers doing bad things. Andwe are seeing the public’s anger at the people whopursued vast quantities of wealth, seemingly withoutconcern for consequences to others. As the cartoonsuggests, then, does the pursuit of wealth necessari-ly label us as “bad”? This may lead us to believe that

BAD BANKER

LIVING IN ABUNDANCE

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we have only two options:to relentlessly pursuewealth and risk followingthe path of those whoseirresponsibility led us to thispoint (and become a “badbanker”), or reject wealthas inherently corrupting,and focus instead on thedevelopment of moralityand spirit? The best of philosophical and spiritualteachings tell us that there is a higher resolutionwhich leads to an understanding that allows us toexperience wealth while maintaining a path ofgrowth and concern for others. These teachings urgeus to move from a mode of greed to one of abun-dance.

To many, these terms may sound similar becauseboth are associated with wealth and prosperity. It’snot surprising, therefore, how much confusion—inmy experience—there seems to be around this dis-tinction. So, in order to make the difference veryclear, please allow me to present a very simplemetaphor:

Two young brothers are each given a pile ofbirthday gifts from their parents. One childquickly opens the presents, and after he is donefeels let down. “Is that it?” he complains. “Howcome I didn’t get all the stuff I was hoping for?”


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We are learning thehard way the devas-tating results of anunrestricted selfishfocus on short-termmonetary gain: of bad bankers doingbad things.


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He compares his pile to his brother’s. “Whydid he get such good stuff? That’s not fair”. Hefeels slightly sick, and then is suddenly angry.

The other child opens his gifts. “Wow!” hesays. “Look at all these gifts.” He plays happi-ly, and feels good knowing that these giftscame to him from his parents simply becausehe is their child. He looks over and sees theanger on his brother’s face. “I wish that hecould feel better so we could play together”, hethinks.

This is a deliberately simple example because theessential differences are simple: different basicbeliefs in the fundamental workings of the cosmos.We can distinguish between greed and abundanceas follows:

Greed,

• begins with belief that there are limitedresources, leading to a feeling of lack—thatthere is not enough for everyone.

• flows from the fear of not being good enoughas one is, and with what one already has, lead-ing to hording and accumulation for its ownsake, with the hope that “someday I will haveenough to feel secure”.

Bad Banker

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• builds the desire to only receive, leading toselfishness and sole reliance on one’s own lim-ited energy source, producing fatigue.

• sees wealth as an end in itself, stemming fromthe sense that life is basically meaningless, lead-ing to depression.

The Greek philosopher Epicurus said of greed,

Nothing is enough for the man to whomenough is too little.

Abundance,

• begins with recognition of the incredible rich-ness and diversity of creation, leading toknowledge that, if treated with respect, there ismore than enough for everyone.

• flows from a love that come through therecognition that wonderful gifts are given to us“unmerited”, leading to gratitude.

• builds the desire to participate, leading to theurge to give, and increased energy from a lim-itless Source.

• sees wealth as a tool and a gift, stemmingfrom the knowledge that life is inherently pur-poseful and gracious, leading to happiness.


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The motivational teacher Wayne Dyer said,

Abundance is not something we acquire. It issomething we tune into.

Of course these differences manifest with aninfinite variety, depending on the person and theirexperience and inclination, but this framework pres-ents the essentials of each. The ancient Jewish bookof wisdom, Saying of the Ancestors, asks, “Who isrich?”, and answers, “One who is happy with hislot”. This does not mean that we should be compla-cent, eschew ambition, and not strive to increaseour wealth, but tells us that abundance can not flowwhen we are not grateful for the gifts that wealready have. In fact, gratitude frees us to pursueprosperity free of attach-ment. When we look at theincalculable vastness ofspace and the unbelievablediversity of species andresources on our planet,we see that the essentialurge of creation is endlessabundance. And this abun-dance has been provided tous as a blessing of our birth.We do not need to be“worthy” of it, because abundance already exists,just waiting for us to recognize and appreciate it.

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247

When we look at theincalculable vastnessof space and theunbelievable diversityof species andresources on ourplanet, we see thatthe essential urge ofcreation is endlessabundance.


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Like the child who sits amid a pile of presents andcomplains that he does not have enough, though,ingratitude shuts out abundance because—to staywith the earlier metaphor—a good parent will notgive any more gifts to one who is ungrateful for whathe has.

The biblical commandment, “Thou shall notcovet”, which is the last of the 10 Commandments,is often pointed to as an imperative to not feelgreedy. The list of commandments, however, can beread as a natural flow of consequences, because“Thou shall” can be better translated as “You will...”Read this way, the first commandment assures usthat there is order, purpose, and Divine grace in theUniverse that desires our prosperity. When we startwith this knowledge, we will then not be temptedtoward breaking the second item on the list—“Youwill not worship idols”. Idolatry does not mean bow-ing to statues, but occurs when we place somethingin a higher position than the Divine—the best that iswithin us; when we become attached to physicalobjects or emotions in order to feel better about our-selves and to feed our egos. With an acceptance ofa higher purpose and order, we will naturally respectand care for others and avoid harming them. Finally,we will not feel jealous of other people’s possessions,because we will feel grateful for what we have,knowing that possessions and prosperity are vehicles


248


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for growth. Wealth, then, is a blessing that facilitatesour purpose and supports others. From this perspec-tive, greed is a distortion of the intuition of infiniteabundance; when we project that intuition on tophysical objects and our own fleeting needs.

There has been much written recently abouthow to tune in to and attract abundance.Unfortunately much of this has focused merely onreceiving desired material gains, as if there is a magicsecret for manipulating the Universe in to giving youthe stuff that you want. True abundance, though, isa two-way flow of giving and receiving—not onlymaterial wealth, but attention, concern, and love.The greatest abundance flows when we too desireto be a blessing to others, paradoxically creatingmore abundance for us. As Joel Osteen said,

When you focus on being a blessing, Godmakes sure that you are always blessed inabundance.

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AAbraham (Jewish

patriarch), 206,218-222

abundance,greed versus, 243-249

acceptingcompliments, 69responsibility, 125

acts of kindness, 203Adam (Biblical character),

142, 227-231admitting you don’t know,

52-53, 56-57Adonai (My Lord), 227ambition, balancing with

faith, 223-232Anatomy of an Illness

(Cousins), 165Archimedes, 74Arena, David, xviii, xx-xxiAristotle, 178authenticity, 145-152avodah (work), xxii, 5

INDEX

Bbalance, 201-208balancing faith and

ambition, 223-232Beginner’s Mind, 62beginning spiritual journey,

217-222Being John Malkovich, 38Belbin, Meredith, 34Ben-Shahar, Tal, 177,

181-182Bill Lumbergh

(character), 28Bonder, Nilton, 7Book of Deuteronomy

on importance of listening, 45

on optimism, 192Book of Ecclesiastes, 122Book of Genesis, 224-230Book of Leviticus, 14Book of Luke, 175Book of Numbers, 152Book of Proverbs

on beginnings, 60

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on importance of laughter, 167

on lying, 119Bradshaw, John, 138Buddism

balance in, 206on optimism, 191

Bunam (Rabbi), 240

CCarnegie, Dale, 174chait (sin), 122Cham (Biblical

character), 133change, embracing, 99-105Chodron, Pema, 144Christianity, balance in, 206Churchill, Winston, 67Cicero, 199Clance, Pauline, 140Collins, Jim, 96-97commitment, 91-94

committing to meaningfulpurpose, 93-98

definition of, 91-92fear of, 93

commitment phobia, 93communication

effective listening, 41-47non-verbal, 44

Index

252

respectful conversation,49-57

commuter trains as spirituallaboratory, 9-11, 14-16

Completer role (teams), 35compliments, accepting, 69confidence, building, 65-72conflicts of interest,

resolving, 115-120Confucius, 120Conley, Chip, 151-152constructive fear, 171control freaks, working

with, 37conversation.

See communicationCoolidge, Calvin, 43Coordinator role

(teams), 34Corinthians, letter to, 191Cousins, Norman, 165Covey, Stephen, 44creation stories, 224-230creativity, developing, 81-89criticizing others, 9-11, 14-16

DDalai Lama, 166, 211

on overcoming fear, 175


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Darwin, Charles, 100destructive fear, 172-176detail-maniacs, working

with, 36Deuteronomy, Book of

on importance of listening, 45

on optimism, 192developing persistence,

17-23dialectic, 235-241directed meditation,

209-215disclosing conflicts of

interest, 118discovering meaningful

purpose, 91-98donkey for sale (fable), 6-7Donovan, 63Dr. Seuss, 18-23dualism, 233-234Dyer, Wayne, 247

EEaster, 187Ecclesiastes, Book of, 122Eckhart von Hochheim, 199Edison, Thomas, 62effective listening, 41-47ego, negation of, 45

Index

253

Einstein, Albert, 126, 237Elijah (prophet), 45, 214Elliot, Herb, 236Elohim (God), 227embracing change, 99-105enlightened self-interest,

153-160Epicurus, 246The Essence of an Elephant

(Saxe), 56ethical wealth, 1-7evaluating yourself, 71Eve (Biblical character), 142exaggeration, 69

Ffacing fear, 169-176faith, balancing with

ambition, 223-232fear

of commitment, 93facing, 169-176greed and, 245

feelings of inadequacy, overcoming, 137-144

The Fifth Discipline(Senge), 80

fight or flight response, 171finding truth, 107-114


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Index

254

HHamlet (Shakespeare), 146Happier (Ben-Shahar), 177happiness, cultivating,

177-183healthy shame, 138hedonism, 180Heider, John, 25Heraclitus, 99hierarchy of needs, 149Hillel, 238Hinduism, balance in, 206hitbodedut (self

isolation), 215hitbonenut (self

knowledge), 215honesty in business

dealings, 1-7humor, importance of,

161-167Humor Therapy, 165Hutcheson, Francis, 164

Iidolatry, 248Implementor role

(teams), 34The Imposter Complex, 140inadequacy, feelings of,

137-144

flow, 182focusing on strengths, 70Ford, Henry, 67, 236Frankl, Victor, 94Franklin, Benjamin,

xxiii, 100Fuller, Buckminster, 84

GGandhi, Mahatma, 31, 125GE (General Electric), 69Geisel, Theodor Seuss, 18,

21-23General Electric (GE), 69Genesis, Book of, 224-230glad-handers, working

with, 37glowering critics,

working with, 37goals, meeting, 59-64Golden Rule, 157Good to Great (Collins), 96government, balance in, 205gratitude, 195-199, 246-247greed, 243-249Green Eggs and Ham

(Seuss), 18, 21-23growth. See spiritual growthGrubb & Ellis, xviii, xxiii


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inevitability of change, 100inner voice, 75insecurity, 53integrating opposites,

233-241intuition

characteristics of, 78-80compared to rational

thought, 75example, 73-74origins of, 76-78

Intuition in Business(Robinson), 80

irresponsible flakes, workingwith, 37

Isaac (Jewish patriarch), 206

Islam, balance in, 206

JJacob (Jewish patriarch),

206James, Richard, 124Jesus, CEO: Using Ancient

Wisdom forVisionaryLeadership(Jones), 26

Jewish Meditation(Kaplan), 211

Index

255

Johnson, Spencer, 43Joie de Vivre, 151Jones, Laurie Beth, 26journeys, beginning,

217-222Jung, Carl, 95

KThe Kabbalah of Money

(Bonder), 7Kaplan, Aryeh, 211, 214Kataria, Madan, 166kavanah (meditation), 214keeping resolutions, 59-64kindness, acts of, 203King, Martin Luther, 89Kushner, Harold, 98

Llabeling, 69lack of knowledge,

admitting, 52-53,56-57

Laertes (Hamlet), 146laughing gurus, 166laughter, importance of,

161-167Laughter Yoga, 166leadership, spiritual, 25-32


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The Leadership Challenge(Kouzes andPosner), 31

Leadership in Organizations(Yukl), 29

lech lech (go to/for yourself), 218

Leviticus, Book of, 14Lincoln, Abraham, 30, 183listening effectively, 41-47The Lonely Man of Faith

(Soloveitchik), 224,227-230

loving your neighbor asyourself, 158-160

Luke, Book of, 175

Mmaking stuff up, avoiding,

129-136Man’s Search for Meaning

(Frankl), 94Martin, Steve, 104Maslow, Abraham, 86,

149-151Mawlid al Nabi, 187meaningful purpose,

discovering, 91-98meditation, 209-215Meister Eckhart, 199

Index

256

Michelangelo, 148mistakes, transforming,

121-127Mizner, Wilson, 47Monitor Evaluator role

(teams), 35monitoring self-talk, 70moral conflicts of interest,

resolving, 116-120Moses, 206My American Journey

(Powell), 77

Nneeds, hierarchy of, 149negation of ego, 45negative thought patterns,

68-69negativity, overcoming,

185-193New Year’s resolutions,

keeping, 59-64nihilism, 181No Negativity Event, 185Noah (Biblical character),

132-135non-verbal

communication, 44Nulty, Peter, 46Numbers, Book of, 152


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Oobjectivity, maintaining,

129-136offering criticism, 9-11, 14-16The One Minute Salesperson

(Wilson andJohnson), 43

opposites, integrating, 233-241

optimismachieving, 185-193as attribute of

persistence, 19power of, 66

Osteen, Joel, 249overcoming

fear, 169-176feelings of inadequacy,

137-144negativity, 185-193self-doubt, 65-72

PParenthood, 103Passover, 187Paul (of Tarsus), 191Pauling, Linus, 86Peak: How Great Companies

Get Their Mojo

Index

257

From Maslow(Conley), 151

Pearson, Carlton, 141Peck, M. Scott, 102Pentagon’s laughter

program, 166perfectionism, 68persistence, developing,

17-23personal conflicts of

interest, resolving,116-120

pessimism, overcoming, 68,185-193

philosophy, balance in, 205Pirkei Avot (The Sayings of

the Fathers), 50Plant role (teams), 34Plato, 60Polonius (Hamlet), 146Pope, Alexander, 65positive attitude

achieving, 185-193as attribute of

persistence, 19power of, 66

Positive Psychology, 177Powell, Colin, 77prayer, 203


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prayer of St. Francis ofAssisi, 105

The Priestly Benediction, 152professional conflicts of

interest, resolving,116-120

Proverbs, Book ofon beginnings, 60on importance of

laughter, 167on lying, 119

Psalm 136, 199psychology, balance in, 205

Q-Rquantum physics, 235

rat race, 180Ray, Michael, 78Raynor, Marcus, 120reacting objectively, 129-136recusing yourself from

conflicts of interest, 118

rejection, avoiding takingpersonally, 19

removing conflicts of interest, 118

resolutions, keeping, 59-64resolving conflicts of

interest, 115-120

Index

258

Resource Investigator role(teams), 34

respectful conversation, 41, 49-57

responsibility, accepting, 125A Return to Love: Reflections

on the Principles of aCourse in Miracles(Williamson), 72

risks, taking, 70The Road Less Traveled

(Peck), 102Robinson, Lynn B., 80Rockefeller, John D., 181Roosevelt, Eleanor, 174Rosh Hashanah, 169

SSam-I-Am (character),

18, 21-23Sartre, Jean-Paul, 147Saxe, John Godfrey, 56The Sayings of the

Ancestors, 247The Sayings of the

Fathers, 238Schweitzer, Albert, 183science, balance in, 205self-actualization, 149


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self-doubt, overcoming, 65-72

self-interest, 153-160self-talk, monitoring, 70Senge, Peter, 80The Seven Habits of Highly

Effective People(Covey), 44

Sh’ma, 45shame, 138Shaper role (teams), 34Shaw, George Bernard, 126Shem (Biblical

character), 133Sikhs, 187Simon the Righteous, 203sin, 122Slinky toy, 124Socrates, 148Soloveitchik, Joseph, 224,

227-230Spears, Britney, 122Specialist role (teams), 35spiritual growth

change as catalyst forgrowth, 103

mistakes as opportunitiesfor growth, 124

through work, xxiv

Index

259

spiritual journeys, beginning,217-222

spiritual leadership, 25-32St. Francis of Assisi,

prayer of, 105Start Where You Are

(Chodron), 144starting on spiritual journey,

217-222strengths, focusing on, 70survivor guilt, 133Suzuki, Shunryu, 62, 102Swartz, Jeffrey, 30

Tt’shuvah (returning), 125Talmud, 3The Tao of Leadership: Lao

Tzu’s Tao Te ChingAdapted for a NewAge (Heider), 25

Tao Te Ching, 25, 55Team Worker role

(teams), 35teamwork, 33-39telling the truth, 107-114Telushkin, Joseph, 15, 11310 Commandments, 248thankfulness, 195-199


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A Theory of HumanMotivation(Maslow), 149

thinking, 75Thomas Aquinas, 109Timberland Shoes, 30Torah, 203Toward a Psychology

of Being(Maslow), 151

transforming mistakes, 121-127

truth, finding, 107-114

U-Vunhealthy shame, 138unity of physical work and

spiritual business,xxii, xxiv, 5-7

spiritual leadership, 25-32

visualization, 71

WWarren, Rick, 94wealth

ethical, 1-7greed versus abun-dance, 243-249

Welch, Jack, 69

Index

260

When All You Ever WantedIs Not Enough(Kushner), 98

White, E. B., 164Wilde, Oscar, 125Williamson, Marianne, 72Wilson, Larry, 43wisdom, 53, 61work/life balance, 201-208

YYaffet (Biblical

character), 133yirah (fear), 174Yom Kippur, 169You Shall Be Holy

(Telushkin), 15, 113Yukl, Gary, 29

ZZen Mind Beginner’s Mind

(Suzuki), 62Zoma, Ben, 61Zoroastrianism, 187


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Five minutes on mondays

Leadership & Management

Transcript of Five minutes on mondays