Five Languages

of Love

Molly Brown, BA

CHKD Parent Educator

molly.brown@chkd.org

757.668.9304

Why are you here today?

Hopefully, you came

to learn how to fill

a child’s

emotional tank.

How?

By learning to speak

their love language.

Before we start…

Unconditional love is the foundation

♥ No matter what they look like♥ Handicaps

♥ Abilities ♥ Behavior

You still care for them!

Finding a child’s primary

love language is important!

• Over time, a child’s

primary love language

may change.

• With children under

age 5, you might not

be able to figure out

their primary love language.

Understanding Languages of Love

• Caregivers do need to speak

all 5 love languages to keep

the emotional tank full.

• If you have several children,

chances are they speak different love languages and need to be loved in different ways.

How did you know an adult loved you

when you were younger?

Languages of Love

♥ Physical Touch

♥ Words of Affirmation

♥ Quality Time

♥ Gifts

♥ Acts of Service

#1 Touch• High fives• Hugs• Bear hugs• Kisses• Pats• Soft strokes• Massage• Snuggling• Riding piggyback• Contact sports

If you were to ask, “How do you know ____ loves you?”

“I know my mommy loves me because she

is always hugging me… and my friends.” (A Book of Hugs)

“Mr. Cassidy always

gives me a high five

when I see him.”

Physical Touch• Infants, toddlers, school

age children - need lots!• Boys 7 -9 years old - may

resist hugs and kisses but still need physical contact(wrestling, bear hugs, high fives, playing sports, running your hands through their hair)

• Adolescence - Boys and girls pull back but don’t hold back touches. Girls need more expressions of love from dads during this time (if not, they will seek it out from another man).

Touching

Some need personal space

Read body language Pull back?

Ask if you can

If you use physical touch as an expression of anger or hostility, (spanking)

and this is their love language,

you will hurt them very deeply.

So find ways to use positive touch

Find the moments!

# 2 Affirmation

Words of Praise Encouragement

GuidanceSupport

Some children become accustomed to praise and expect it (self-esteem)

Words

Give positive messages

• “I love you” – some can’t say this

• “Thank you for _____”

• “I’m so proud of you”

• “I’m so proud of you for _______”

Verbal or Written

• Write a note• Post it• In with their lunch• On their hand

(The Kissing Hand)

• Send a card

• Send an email

You are a cheerleader!

“Wow, that was close”

or

“That’s a great effort,

you’ve almost got it”

instead of

“Come on you can do better than that”

“I can’t do it!”

Encourage means “to instill courage”

You haven’t been able to do it up to now.

Communication

• Are you really listening?

• Need to be approachable, accepting, open, no put downs, non-judgmental

Watch your tone and body language

Boys to MenWe want:• Caring• Sensitive• Believe in female equality

We still say:• “Don’t cry”• “Toughen up”• “Be strong”• “What sport do you play?”• “Be a man”

Choose your words carefully.

Words of disapproval

will hurt them very deeply.

Comment on the positive

So… find ways to encourage and praise!

# 3 Quality Time

Play

with

me!

In a school setting adults show this love language by being a:

• Teacher that stays after school.

• Volunteer that comes in to read.

• Staff person who

comes out to after

hour school events.

When you spend time with a child,

you create memories for a lifetime.

“My dad comes to my soccer game and we go out for a smoothie afterwards.”

“Mom took just me fishing.”∞Plenty of time to talk

Time

• Plan for quality time• Lunch• Camping trip

• One-on-one time with each child

• Be excited to see them! Find time when you are relaxed and upbeat (not exhausted).

Quality vs. Quantity

• Eye contact • Are you ignoring me?• Often use in negative way

• Smile ☺

• Really be with them

• Quality conversation• Ask specific questions• Give examples from your day• Try storytelling

Parents - Do ANYTHING!

• Watch a movie• Read a book• Trip to the store• Finger paint with

chocolate pudding• Dance together• Go to a jump house• Go mermaid hunting

Ask

“If you could do something special with

mom/dad, what would that be?”

flash light tag

Keep it simple, make it fun! (KISMIF)

Family Dinner

Slow down!

Learn to say, “No” to other obligations.

Make time with your child a priority.

So go play!

# 4 Gifts

• Has little to do with the

size and cost• Not to be a payback or bribe• Avoid a guilt gift

(going overboard is not the cure all)

• Should be personal, know/learn interest of the child

• Tangible, visual reminder, “I know your thinking about me.”

A child would say…

“Mom bought me new school clothes.”

“My dad bought me a baseball glove.”

“Grandpa brought

me a rock from

Yellowstone Park.”

Receiving Gifts Children whose primary love

language is gifts will:

Make a big deal about receiving the gift Want the present wrapped or given in a creative way Will talk about how it is wrapped Feel very special when opening it and want your

undivided attention while opening it Make a special place for the gift and want to share or

show it to friends It will not matter if the gift was bought, made, or

found. What matters is that you thought about them!

Divorce

The expensive present will not

make everything better.

Too many gifts?No meaning

Child becomes “emotionally dead” to receiving

# 5 Acts of Service

Whom do you serve?Kids, parent, employer,

spouse/significant other,

church, organization

It is physically and emotionally demanding

to provide acts of service.

School nurse

Bus driver that says a spirited

Good morning

What can you teach a child?

To serve people who are in no way able

to return or repay the kindness.

• Having a bad day

• Different

• Disabled

• Disadvantaged

I know my mom/dad/grandma loves me because….

• She always helps me with my homework

• He fixes my bike

• He takes me to my karatelessons

• She makes me chocolate chip pancakes on Saturdays

Make service age appropriate

• Do for your children what they can not do for themselves initially

• As they are ready, teach them how to serve themselves and others (make the bed, laundry, cook, put clothes away, hang up jacket, etc.)

Recognizing Acts of Service

• As children mature, they increasingly notice what is being done for them and are also aware of what has been done in the past.

• They will also notice

what adults do for

other people and will

want to participate

in work projects too.

When your child’s primary love language is service

• Remember when they ask for your help

(“Can you fix this?”)

they are asking you to do more than a task,

they need you to fill their emotional love tank.

• This does not mean you jump at every request.

• It does mean that you should be more sensitive to those requests and recognize that your response will either fill or empty their emotional tank.

Role Model

• Set a good example

in public and private.

Respecting othersDon’t forget your

• Please• Thank you• I'm sorry

• Keep your word.

(While a child is doing homework)

You can model reading and studying

Hospitality

Hosting others in you home

Help your child foster positive relationships

with friends, siblings and members

of the community.

Be a child’s advocate!

• Daycare

• School

• From a bully

• Family

• Neighbors

Acts of service to selfTeach that you need to take care of your body bytaking care of YOUR body.

Ask yourself:• Do I have down time?• Do I make time to do things I enjoy?• Am I getting enough sleep?• How is my nutrition? • Am I finding ways to fit exercise into

my routine?• Do I have high self esteem and talk

highly of myself?• When was the last time I laughed?

American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP)

A child's health depends significantly on the

care and guidance you offer during his early

years. Regular check ups, keeping him safe from

accidents, providing a

nutritious diet, and

encouraging exercise

throughout childhood, you

help protect and strengthen

his body.

Sleep Needs

Infants 14 – 18 hours Toddlers 11 hrs

plus a two hour nap Preschoolers 11 – 12 hrs (average 8.7 at night and 9.5 with a nap) School age 10 – 11 hours Adolescents 9.25 hrs (average 6 hr 50 min) Adults 8.25 hrs (average 6 hr 54 min)

Which one is a child’s primary love language?

How can you tell?• Observe how a child

expresses love to you and to others.

• Listen to what a child requests most.

• Notice what a child most frequently complains about.

• Give a child a choice between two options.

Take the quiz

When a child’s love tank is full, it fosters emotional development

and better equips the child to learn.

Empty love tank

Misbehavior

When they act out they are saying,

“Do you love me?”

Help children learn to identify and express anger. Teach appropriate ways.

Stove

Black, pink (problem to solve), red, red hot

How big an ice cube do you need to cool down?

Anger and Love

Adults must have a handle on their anger.

If you make a mistake, admit it.

Apologize

Kids can be very forgiving.

Single parenting and love languages

• Love tank has been ruptured.

• Help a child process grief.• Denial• Anger• Bargaining• More anger

Parents are also grieving and need time as well.

Teenage years

Very vulnerable time

They need premium fuel

Music

• When you sing, you use more brain tissue.

• Creates connections in the brain.

• Music creates emotional memory.

• Physical Touch and sing• Sing Words of Affirmation• Sing while spending Quality Time• Gifts of music• Music Acts of Service

• Caroling

Can you see how this applies in your

adult relationships as well?

Might better understand family members, friends and co-workers.

Does this explain a misunderstanding

you have had?

What is one way you can speak your child’s

love language?

___________________________________

If I had my child to raise all over again,

I'd build self-esteem first, and the house later.

I'd finger-paint more, and point the finger less.

I would do less correcting and more connecting.

I'd take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.

I'd take more hikes and fly more kites.

I'd stop playing serious, and seriously play.

I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars.

I'd do more hugging and less tugging.

~Diane Loomans, If I Had My Child To Raise Over Again

Go share your love!

Resources

The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman & Ross Campbell

Questions??

Thanks for coming!