Finding God in the Dark

7/29/2019 Finding God in the Dark

1/25


2/25

FINDING

GOD IN THE DARKFAITH, DISAPPOINTMENT, AND THE STRUGGLE TO BELIEVE

TED KLUCK AND RONNIE MARTIN

7(Upublshe mauscptcpyght ptecte Bake Publshg Gup)

Ted Kluck and Ronnie Martin, Finding God in the Dark

Bethany House. a division of Baker Publishing Group, 2013. Used by permission.


3/25

2013 by Te Kluck a Re Mat

Publshe by Bethay Huse Publshes

11400 Hampshe Aeue Suth

Blmgt, Mesta 55438

www.bethayhuse.cm

Bethay Huse Publshes s a s

Bake Publshg Gup, Ga Raps, Mchga

Pte the Ute States Ameca

All ghts esee. N pat ths publcat may be epuce, ste a eteal

system, or trasmtted ay orm or by ay measor example, electroc, photocopy,

ecgwthut the p wtte pemss the publshe. The ly except

s be qutats pte eews.

Lbay Cgess Catalgg--Publcat Data

Kluck, Te.

Fg G the ak : ath, sapptmet, a the stuggle t belee /

Te Kluck a Re Mat.p. cm.

Summay: Ppula auth a awa-wg musca help eaes wh

stuggle wth ubt because pesal lss a sapptmetsPe

by publshe.

Iclues bblgaphcal eeeces (p. ).

ISBN 978-0-7642-1082-2 (pbk. : alk. pape)

1. Fath. 2. DsapptmetRelgus aspectsChstaty. 3. Lss (Psy-

chlgy)Relgus aspectsChstaty. I. Mat, Re. II. Ttle.

BV4637.K54 2012

234 .23c23 2012040443

Unless otherwise indicated, Scripture quotations are rom The Holy Bible, English

Staa Ves (ESV), cpyght 2001 by Cssway, a publshg msty

Good News Publshers. Used by permsso. All rghts resered. ESV Text Edto: 2007

Scrpture quotatos detfied niv are rom the Holy Bble, New Iteratoal Verso.

NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission o

Zodera. All rghts resered worldwde. www.zodera.com

Ce esg by Da Ptts

Auths ae epesete by Wlgemuth & Asscates.

13 14 15 16 17 18 19 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

(Upublshe mauscptcpyght ptecte Bake Publshg Gup)




4/25

For Kristin, who has forgiven much.

For everybody who hurts.

For Beth, and the hope that lies within.

(Upublshe mauscptcpyght ptecte Bake Publshg Gup)Ted Kluck and Ronnie Martin, Finding God in the Dark



5/25





6/25

9

Contents

Ackwlegmets 11

Auths Nte: Eeyby Huts (Te Kluck) 13

Ituct (Re Mat) 17

1. Yu Gtta Hae Fath: The Suce Ubele (

the Stuggle t Belee Whe Les Fallg Apat)

(Kluck) 19

2. Hw S Is Nw? Whe Gs Peple Quest the

Relablty G (Mat) 29

3. Hw You D?: Cultues Obsess Wth Sel-

Sucecy (Kluck) 47

4. Pesal Jesus: The Jyless Pusut Ceatg G

Ou Ow Image (Mat) 63

5. I Bult My Ftess: Mstakg Falue Humlty,

a Kllg Bg T (Kluck) 79




7/25

10

Contents

6. Blue May: Reflects Dubt a Ubele

(Mat) 93

7. My Fathes S: Payg Thugh Ubele

(Kluck) 109

8. The G Wh Fs Us (Mat) 127





8/25

11

Acknowledgments

From Ted

T the g es my le, Chst: Re Mat,

Pat Quinn, Kevin DeYoung, Cory Hartman, Zach Bartels,Peete Lukas. Yu eshp has meat me ths yea tha

I cul ee aequately expess hee.

To my agent, Andrew Wolgemuth, or being the coolest

aget ths busess, hads dow, ad or beg a pros pro.

T Mm a Da melg ths stuf t me, a

orgiving me, praying with me, and loving me in spite o

all my flaws. Yu guys ae the geatest. T Be Ske, shwg me a ubeleable amut gace. May G

bless yu.

To University Reormed Church and Judson Memorial

Baptst Chuch.

To Kristin, or orgiving much and loving me anyway.

Yue amazg, ley.

From Ronnie

T Bg T (yu bg smethg ce t wea), Da Alla,

Jll Butle, Sctt Bus, Rbet Campbell, Ty Hall, Da




9/25

12

Acknowledgments

Hegg, Bb Kaufl, Gle Pckett, Rch Plcz, Mak Spa-

sel, Joseph Stigora, Nathan Wells, Danny Wright, and the

Mats, the Dees, a the HassI ee all yu,ea es, s please keep textg me.

To Andrew Wolgemuth or absolutely everything, and

Ay McGue gace, suppt, a ecuagemet. Ex-

pect Chstmas cas ee.

T Ashla Gace Chuchkay, well keep the ga.

To my we, Melssa, ad daughter, Bethmy two aorte

peple the whle wl.





10/25

13

Authors NoteEverybody Hurts

T E D K L U C K

Ie always hate the sg Eeyby Huts by R.E.M. As

a ba, they always stuck me as ely why a weaselly.

R.E.M. was the guy the peect tht-ste c T-sht,

tyg t fi hmsel. O the gl at the bkste wh was

trying too hard to look casual. Im rom the middle o a

corfield (Hartord Cty, Idaa), ad sgg about how e-

erybody hurts just seems sot, sel-dulget, ad potless.

But the thg s, eerybody does hurt. Le (thrty-sx years

and counting) has shown me this. Ive elt pain caused by

others and, whats worse, my own sin has caused mental,

physcal, ad emotoal pa others. Eerybody hurts, ad

smetmes because me. A the chuch we smetmes

expect people to just shrug and say, Well, its all part o

Gods pla, whch st ecessarly utrue, but ts a respose

that stkes me as a lttle huma a, Scptue s t be

beleed, unspiritual.Job ret hs garmets ad screamed, ad




11/25

Finding God in the Dark

14

the Bble sad he was wthout s that partcular stuato.

Jesus sweat blood in the garden. He didnt just skip to the

css sayg, Hey, I kw hw ths s gg t wk ut, sts all g. Pa s eal, a ts t ecessaly usptual

to ackowledge t. Ths book, part, s a ackowledgmet

o pa ad a reflecto o what to do wth t. My chapters are

arrate ature. By the rpe old(sh) age o thrty-sx, oe

the thgs Ie leae abut mysel s that ths, bette

wse, s hw I wte. Ths s a bk abut fig G

the ak. My chaptes, patcula, wll tell the stes my aklsg a apt; expeecg pessal

alure; ad the ultmately, by a moemet o the Holy Sprt,

corotg my ow dark, sul heart. Now, lookg back, I

am fille wth thakuless these eets because they ae

the eets that G ae me t bg me t clse,

deeper communion with Him. But in the midst o them,

thee was geat pa.Stll, a temptat eag a bk lke ths, a aa-

tes lke these, would be to say, Yeah, but Kluck hast goe

thugh ________. He hast ge thugh what Im gg

thugh. I kw ths wll be a temptat because Ie sa

similar things mysel about stories that belonged to other

peple. Yeah, but . . .

I ully ad opely ackowledge that there are may peoplewh hae ge thugh thgs that ae much hae tha the

thgs I escbe these pages. But whats wth ackwl-

egg, I thk, s that these ae the ccumstaces that G

put me thugh a patcula tme, a a patcula place,

a patcula pupse (my g a Hs gly). Ie te

t e-ceate them as accuately as pssble, ee thugh the

process was, at times, more than a little painul. I youre

Chst, yu ca tust that G s g, a wll , the

same yu yu ccumstaces. Ie als te t clue





12/25

Authors Note

15

Scptue thats pactcal a elatablethe ks Scp-

tues yu ca pay thugh whe yu cat seem t fi the

ws eegy t pay yu w.Oe o the thgs Ie always struggled wth le s lste-

g t sptual put m aye whm I hat pecee

as hag ge thugh eep wates. My hpe a paye

ths bk s that by eag abut my eep wates, yu

ca le a tust G me thugh yus.

Humbly, Chst,

Te Kluck




13/25





14/25

17

Introduction

R O N N I E M A R T I N

Its early o a Saturday morg as I st dow to wrte ths tro,

whch Ie decded to do the somewhat cold, leless cofies

my ecg stu. I say leless because Im suue

by spase bchw walls, a gumetal gay , sme sta-

tegcally place tack lghtg, a abslutely wws. A

ast array o kobs, swtches, ad meters that resemble a old

laboratory rom a science fiction movie in the 1960s are my

only companions. For recording the kind o music I do, its

a peectly esge space. Thees utse se, utse

lght, utse stact cmg . Nby else has ay

access uless I ulck the a let them . F all tets

a pupses, I exst ttal slat whe Im my stu,

wthut ay fluece whatsee m the utse wl.

I think this may be an apt picture o how it eels when

questions o aith, doubt, and unbelie come pressing into

u heats a ms. We eel etache, slate, a ale.

We eel eglecte a we G emembes that wee

stll Hs chle. Smetmes we quest whethe He ee

exsts at all.




15/25


18

Most o us dot eed a troducto to ay o these ques-

tos. As Tom Cruse oce remarked hs Oscar-omated

le Jerry Maguire, We le a cycal wl. A cycal,cycal wl.

He wast wg.

The roots o doubt and unbelie are buried deep within

the sl u cultue. Fm the fist tme the el aske the

quest D G eally say. . .? t Ee the gae, what

he really dd was call Ee to cycally questo the loe, good-

ess, trustworthess, ad relablty o God. To questo Hssoeregty. As we fid ourseles mred doubt ad ubele,

were simply grasping or an answer to the same question:

D G eally say . . . ?

What Ted and I hope to do is explore the heart o this

crucial question, a question that puts the goodness o God

a the tet Hs heat t the test. Well t by shag

wth yu sme the ay, eeyay stes that make upthe majty u ay-t-ay les. We ealze that mst

us dont ace earth-shattering, death-deying moments that

propel us headlong into severe doubts over Gods goodness

a aly bass. F may us, ubt a ubele ca be

subtle posos that gradually oculate us oer tme rom seeg

the eece Gs gace wkg stealy u amles,

jobs, relatoshps, ad utures. Its oly whe we beg to see,uderstad, ad belee that God s truly at work the abrc

o eery trcate detal o our les that the dm lght o doubt

a ubele ges way t the bght lght hpe Hm.

Lght aws the akess the upght; he s gacus,

mecul a upght.

Psalm 112:4

Its ate we fi G the ak that we ealze He was

aleay thee.





16/25

19

1

You Gotta Have Faith

The Source of Unbelief

(or the Struggle to Believe

When Lifes Falling Apart)

T E D K L U C K

Gtta make t t heae, gg thugh hell.

50 Cet, Gtta Make It t Heae

Cast all your anxieties on him because he cares

yu.

1 Pete 5:7 niv

Hell hath uy lke a Ukaa hallway.

Ukaa hallways ae ak a cl, stew wth tash,

ad smellg lke some combato o ure, red ood, ad

garbage. A clchd sgle lghtbulb socket s ether populated




17/25


20

by a bke lghtbulb, s hagg empty (lkely stle by

e the teats).

These obseraces were all swrlg my md as I crawled my has a kees back t my ty apatmet ate

a ml electcut at the electcal bx the hallwaya

bx whse wes hat bee lke at mapulate sce

Stal. My we was cyg. Ths was week e a sx-week

stay Ukae. It was gg t be a lg stay.

Whe adoptg Ukrae, you are ote told some pretty

sketchy things that you just have to trust. Like youre toldt be w the steet ce fie mutes t meet yu

rde, or youre told to strap twety-large cash aroud your

wastout o whch you wll be payg drers, brbes, oce

workers, and all manner o people who will be converting

ad spedg your Amerca dollars. Its lke beg a moe

wrtte by somebody else but starrg you. Adoptg abroad

s a exercse ath the people acltatg, the process,a Gs seeg pla.

My we a I wee Ke wkg aptg the lttle

by wh wul becme u sec s, Maxmla Dmt

Kluck. Sometime during the first week we were told that

Maxim had a sister named Anastasia, and that we could

fill ut papewk that wul allw us t cme back a yea

late a apt he t. We t kw hw we wul uthe venture, but we said yes and cried tears o joy or the

daughter wed always hoped and prayed or that the Lord

seeme t be pg.

Driving to the orphanage each day to see Maxim was

an adventure in nausea control. Our driver, Vadim, had a

pechat steppg a f the gas peal te. Ths,

cuple wth bg-cty a pllut (Keabut the sze

Chcag ppulat-wse, but way less clea), mae us sck

t u stmachs ealy eey ay. Stll, we saw s much





18/25


21

those drives. We visited a courthouse that was painted the

exact same shae pk as Pept-Bsml. We saw beautul

cetures-old buldgs stacked rght ext to ewsh depress-g, cocrete Soet-era apartmet buldgs that looked lke

parkg garages. The latter was the kd o buldg we called

home. I would stand at the window smoking cigarettes

each ght (hey, they wee fity cets a packt mae g

economic sense) and watch rats run out rom beneath the

bulg. Thats etetamet!

The orphanage was a drab civic-ish building1 located ina utlyg tw calle Byaka. Each ay we walke t a

dark (ether all o the lghtbulbs were bured out, or they were

tetally tue f t sae mey) m that eatue a

esk (always empty) a a eally sa-lkg2 ple plastc

ks tys. We wul just sta thee stuply utl smee

came ut t help us, because thee wee ceta (ea: mst)

aeas the phaage t whch we wee be t g.There were apparently things happening that they didnt

wat us t see.

Oe morg they brought her to us, but oly or a momet.

Anastasia looked like Cindy Lou Who rom How the

Grinch Stole Christmas. She was ty, tw yeas l, ble,

a ha lttle slppy-yet-aable pgtals. She ha just bee

wke m a ap a was cyg, but we ha a mmet tb wth he a take a pctue. A pctue that we wul

look at ad pray oer the moths to come. We were assured

that the papes we fille ut wul make he us, a we

let Ukae a mth late (a may thusas llas

lighter) with sweet Maxim Dmitri, and with the dream o

etug a yea hs sste.

1. Thk o the most depressg cc buldg you ca mage Amerca (lkea Depatmet Mt Vehcles ce), a the g a ew steps wse.

2. Lke the k yu see lete at the e gaage sales.




19/25


22

Boulevard of Broken Dreams

The teeg mths bught a lt chage. It was a

ajustmet t get use t tw lttle bys u huse, as sx

yeas p we ha apte Tsta Vlymy Kluck, w

eght, m athe cty Ukae. Tsta was stg as a

oxbg, ast, outgog, ad aggresse. Hs brother, Maxm,

was ty, sky, quet, a malushe, but as sweet as a

lttle lamb. The tw wee qute a pa, a wee s thck

as thees. Tsta wul aythg hs lttle bthe.

All the whle we guarded our hearts, kowg the crazess

that was Ukaa bueaucacy. But as the mths wet by,

we slwly let u gua w. We bega the heculea task

o paperwork and und-raising or Anastasias adoption.

We ha a huge mm-t-mm sale at u chuch, a a bg

ud-rasg ght called Kluckstock, whch eatured a slet

auct, a esset bufet (pepae by my talete we), a

karaoke.3 There was a lot o joy in the air. Fear o the un-

kw (a fiacal axety), but als pue jy. The L

seemed to be mog moutas as our church ralled to brg

ths lttle gl t u hmea hme whee she wul hea

the gospel and be lovingly welcomed into a thriving local

chuch. It seeme, t us, t be all g.

The we gt the call.

Thees always a call. It came m the lay wh ha take

e the Ukae pgam at u statese apt agecy,

ad t was a lady who, hoestly, ether Krst or I were crazy

. She was sht a busque whch, cally, mae he a

lot lke a Ukraa woma. Except that she was a Amerca.

She spassately tl us that ue t a chage sme

legslat4 Ukae, Aastasa was beg apte by a

3. Featug yus tuly beltg ut such hts as Wkg the Weeke

by Leby a I Dt Waa Mss a Thg by Aesmth.

4. Ths s shtha a bbe by a amly wth eepe pckets tha us.





20/25


23

Ukaa amly. We ha, that ey mg, state hag-

g gls clthes the clset the m that wul hae

bee hes. We wee aleay pepag t g back t Ukae a ew mths t get he. My we sbbe agy teas a

I te t cmt he as well as I cul . . . but ws wee

cmt.

Our contact at the adoption agency said that there was

nothing we can do, even as we tried advocating through

lobbyists and politicians. Finally I penned an impassioned

lette t the apte amly. It may may t hae bee theght thg t :

Dear Family Adopting the Biological Sister o Our Adopted

Son,

Forgive me for not knowing your names. To us youre

just the subject of a very depressing phone call from our

caseworker at Bethany Christian Services. To us youre justthe couple who are negating the legal documents we signed

last year in Ukraine during the adoption of Maximilian

(our son), stating that we would be able to come back in

a year and adopt Anastasia (his biological sister).

My name is Ted and my wifes name is Kristin. Weve

adopted two boys rom Ukraine, ages seven and our. Were

a very average American familyI write books and teachcollege English classes, and my wife works in the home

raising these two energetic boys, whom we love dearly.

Oddly, though, we have some things in common with you.

Weve both been to the selsame orphanage in Boyarka, on

the outskirts o Kiev, and have both allen in love with the

same vulnerable little girl there. We spent weeks in that

orphanagein the dark lobby, the even darker playroom,

and the little playground out back, getting to know our

sweet Maxim, and learning that he had a sister in the very




21/25


24

same orphanage. One day they let us meet her and take

her picture, and asked us to sign documents stating that

we would indeed be adopting her. Documents that, theyassured us, would protect us from this very situation.

We looked at that picture of her and prayed over it for

the last year.

According to the depressing phone call we recently re-

ceived, several families, like you, had expressed interest

in her, but the orphanage rightly explained that there was

an American couple (us) in line to adopt her once she wasofcially on the registry. But you persisted enough to have

signed some other paperwork that has rendered our paper-

work null and void. Let me say that I dont blame you for

falling in love with her. If shes anything like her brother,

she is happy, kind, quick to smile, and slow to anger.

What you are doing is not illegal, apparently, but still

feels unspeakably mean.Let me share a quick story. Knowing how things work in

international adoptions (at times completely unpredictable

and subject to change on a whim), we had a feeling some-

thing like this might happen. So we guarded our hearts

against it or several months. But recently my wie decided

to start hanging girls clothes in the closet in our extra

bedroom. We had gotten close enough to the adoptionto allow ourselves to begin to hope and to stop guarding

our hearts.

Let me close by asking you a question: Is this really

how you want to enter into a lifelong relationship with

this child, knowing that you broke the hearts of another

amily and separated her rom her biological brother? Our

hearts will heal eventually. We trust and love and believe

in a sovereign God who gives and takes away. But still,

this sucks.





22/25


25

I would love for you to look me in the eye and tell me,

in person,5 all o the reasons why its necessary, in an entire

country full of orphans, for you to adopt the girl wevebeen hoping and praying for as our daughter.

Let me be the first to acknowledge the act that we dont

expect this letter to do anything. Ill be shocked if it ever

reaches you, but in a weird way I feel better for having

written it. If youve gotten to this point in the process,

you may very well not be the kind of people who would

be moved by a letter like this. But please know that thereare real people on the other end of this process. If I were

a better Christian, I would say that I forgive you and Im

praying for you. But I dont think I have, and Im not. But

I am praying for your daughter.

Sincerely,

Ted and Kristin Kluck

The lette thg. A ethe u payes that

God would work a miracle in the situation and unite An-

astasia with her brother. The result was heartache, pain,

epess, ubt, cycsm, a unbelief.

Help My Unbelief

I my le the ce tgge ubele a cycsm has bee

bke eams a umet expectats whch I hae ha

may, but pbably me tha the aeage pes. Thee

have been book deals that have allen through,6 a semi-

promsg ootball career lost to jury, broke promses rom

Christians, and just plain old disappointment at wanting

5. What I eally wate was t shw ths guy a up-clse ew my fist.

6. T may t ecut.




23/25


26

smethg espeately a t beg able t hae t. Ths s

part o the human condition. Its the part that makes you

cycal. Its the pat that makes yu just wat t black uta all asleep a lg, lg tme.

It has bee thse sceas, lke Aastasa, whch G

shows us somethg that o the surace looks so artght ad

amazg t has t be m Hm. Ths s at least what we tell

ourselves as we try to understand Gods sovereign will. To

see it taken away is, quite simply, heartbreaking. It brings

wth t age, ge, a a lss hpe.My teecy the wake Aastasa was t expect ba

things to happen. To ask God i He put me on this earth

just s that He cul ge me a beatg. I stppe beleg

in His sovereign plan and started eeling like a punching

bag. My huma eact was t becme cycal a way.

The athe wth the sck, em-pssesse chl Mak

9 must hae elt the same way. Beg a athe thse aysprobably wasnt a whole lot diferent rom being a ather

ow. You loe your chld a desperate, gut-leel way. A take-

a-bullet-or-this-person kind o way. Imagine your child is

sckpossessed by a el sprt, the text tells usad youe

tred eerythg to help hm. People are lookg at you uy

because yue gt a we k. What he t esee

that? they mutte ue the beath, all the whle wshgyou well publc. The codto takes ts toll o your home,

yu maage, a yu ablty t thk, eat, a sleep -

mally. You eter sural modecompletg oly those tasks

that ae essetal lea le jylessly m ay t ay.

Fatherhood s tough ayway, but ts harder whe youre tak-

g a emtal beatg m le a ccumstaces. Yu

hae tuble beleg a hpg.

S the ma Mak 9 says, I yu ca aythg, take

pty o us ad help us. I you ca? sad Jesus. Eerythg





24/25


27

s pssble e wh belees. I belee, the ma sa.

Help me ecme my ubele.7

This is an example o a struggling, weary, beaten, andscaebut stll ableath. A ath thats the pes

but stll stadg. Its a example o how to belee the ace

geat tal. The ma t ly tusts Jesus wth hs chl,

but wth hs ubele as well. He s castg all hs axetes

Hm, wh caes hm.

In the wake o Anastasia, I was wracked with anxieties.

Facal axety e the mey we lst the apt,proessional anxiety, and most o all personal anxiety over

my ablty t eel le a L wh wul take ths away

rom us. My we was hurtg as well. She was retreatg rom

the wome at church, ad she ee had a hard tme talkg to

me abut what she was expeecg. Ietlty a a ale

apt wee shakg he ath t the ce.

I kew my hea that G was eal, a I ee beleethat He loved me. I just wanted, and needed, to eel it. I

remember a road trip we took ollowing Anastasias loss.

We were so rustratedtapped out metally, physcally, ad

fiacallythat we wee bth teas. I was tyg t pe-

sonally carry and deal with all o my anxieties, and was

alg mseably. I was beg e t my kees, aga, by

a G wh le me a cae me. At the tme I ques-tioned two essential biblical truthsthat God was good,

and that He loved me. I was reusing to cast my anxieties

Hm, because I stuggle t ully tust Hm t t hut

me again. I believed in His sovereignty. . . . I believed that

He had ordained Anastasias loss, and that it wasnt the

Enemy, as some would suggest. I believe that God is ruler

all, ee the Eemy. Thugh, t be hest, t wul haebee easer to be mad at the del. I thk beg mad at God,

7. Mak 9:2224




25/25


28

in the absence o hope and trust, is the darkest, loneliest

place all.

I stll belee, but I eee help my ubele. I eeeto cast my axetes o Hm, who cared or me. Scrpture had

ge me a ramework or prayg through my ubele, but I

was reusg to see t ad use t. Dad, the psalmst, sums up

ths ramework perectly Psalm 13a dark ad tormeted,

but ultmately hopeul, pcture o beleg through suferg:

Hw lg wll yu he yu ace m me?

Hw lg must I westle wth my thughts

a ay ate ay hae sw my heat?

Hw lg wll my eemy tumph e me?

Lk me a aswe, Lord my G.

Ge lght t my eyes, I wll sleep eath,

a my eemy wll say, I hae ecme hm,

a my es wll ejce whe I all.

But I tust yu ualg le;

my heat ejces yu salat.

I wll sg the Lords pase,

he has bee g t me. (niv)

It raed ad we droe ad cred. Musc ddt soud good.

F t taste g. The wl seeme ak a bleak.

Le seeme a sees sapptmets, peppee wth c-

casoal rays o hope. I sletly hoped that my we stll loed

me the mst all ths alue, but I thk I als wult

hae blame he she t.

Finding God in the Dark

Documents

Transcript of Finding God in the Dark