VERONICA LAY 1

THE OFFICIAL MONTMORENCY BOWLING CLUB INC. NEWSLETTER

REPORT FROM THE BOARD CHAIRPERSON

With our pennant season drawing to an end, the opportunity for several of our teams to play finals looks to be very promising. To those teams who have worked so hard to get to this position, make sure you keep up the good work. I know both Selection Committees have worked very hard this season, but judging by the number of teams looking at finals, they must be doing something right. Well done. This year Presentation Night will be held at the Watsonia RSL on Saturday, 16th April and I would ask all members to make sure they have this date recorded in their diaries. This will be a celebration, not only for all of our winners, but also to an end of a successful season. So bring along your dancing shoes and join in the fun. This week I have enjoyed a lovely day celebrating Presidents day honoring our Lady President Jean Tulloch. There’s no doubt about our Montmorency ladies and the good work they do. We are so lucky to have them. The lunch was most enjoyable and I’m sure the many visitors attending had a wonderful day. Another great event was our Australia Day Medley. It ran like clockwork and I wish to congratulate the Social Bowls Committee on a job well done. All had a good time. My congratulations to John Leighton on his Community Service Award presented to him on Australia Day by the Banyule City Council. This along with a previous club presentation of a Distinguished Service Award further justifies the immense contribution John has made to our club. It is greatly appreciated. Once again, I must remind all members that we are not far away to the time when nominations for positions on the Sectional and Board Committees for the new season of 2016 to 2017 will be required. As I said in my previous report, I felt every member of this club, sooner or later, should make some form of commitment to ensure the club continues to prosper. To those who have been reluctant to make a commitment in the past, we need you to seriously consider taking on some form of responsibility in the running of our club. To the new members who feel they would like to be more involved and would like to learn more about how the club is run, please have no hesitation in approaching either of the Sectional Presidents or any Board Person.

MBC on the move – Rod Ward

BENDIGO COMMUNITY BANK - Support our sponsor

Branches at Hurstbridge, Diamond Creek, Eltham, Doreen and Mernda

Printing – Courtesy of Vicki Ward MP State Member for Eltham

FEBRUARY, 2016

EDITOR – VERA LAY EDITOR: VERA LAY bvlay@iprimus.com.au

www.montmorency.bowls.com.au e-mail: mbc4@optus.net.com.au

VERONICA LAY 2

PRESIDENT’S REPORT – MENS SECTION Now we are at the pointy end of the Pennant season and it is possible we could have 5 of 6 sides playing in the finals. This would be a great achievement and congratulations must go the Pennant Selection Committee under Chairman Bob Morgan for their sage decisions throughout the season. I would urge all members to attend the finals and give support to the Montmorency teams playing throughout the final series. The Social Bowls Committee with Alan West at the helm continues to work tirelessly in organizing bowling programs and the Club Championships. As was witnessed by the successful Australia Day medley. Some social bowls events could be better supported and this will be reviewed for the 2016-17 Season and I would welcome any input to this process by the members. Congratulations to our Club Men’s Section singles champion Phil Clements and to our Pairs champions Dan Evans and Eddie Azzopardi. The other championships are still in progress and will be concluded over the next few weeks. I am pleased to advise that the Men’s Presidents Day will be held on Saturday the 19th March and I cordially invite all members of the Men’s Section to attend this fun day. Hoping as many of you that are able will turn up and I look forward to hosting the day. The Men’s Section Annual Meeting will be held on the Sunday the 17th April and I am looking for new people to invigorate our various committees please give this some thought and if you are willing to volunteer please contact me. Duncan Duke President Men’s Section

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________ HAPPY HOUR on Friday nights at the club is a great opportunity to join our members to enjoy drinks at a reasonable price, not forgetting the meat raffle and a chance to win the jackpot, currently over $1000. It is good to see some new members joining in the fun. We no longer “have a drink with Duncan”, but he still entertains us with his jokes. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________

LADIES SECTION PRESIDENT’S REPORT

The end of the year we had our last Pennant game finishing with our break up and Kris Kringle. Our Christmas Party was at a new venue, Heidelberg Golf Club, and was voted a big success by many members. There were a few members who preferred the old venue. Many supporters joined in the lunch after the final of the Ladies and Men’s Singles Championships. These were two great and exciting matches. January saw many members return from holidays refreshed and ready for the New Year to start pennant. We now have to concentrate on the last few weeks and hope to have a number of teams playing finals. Thank you to Glenda and her committee for their hard work looking after the teams. A very successful Medley Day on Australia Day, everyone enjoyed some great games. The next big event on the calendar was Presidents, Super Vets and Past Presidents Day. It was so lovely to see so many of our Super Vets and Past Presidents. One very special new Super Vet, Rae Bell. The Ladies Committee provided a delicious morning tea with a wonderful lunch prepared and served by the ladies number one team. Jackie, Ronda and Sue did a marvelous job of putting the players and visitors into teams and then seating all the players and non-players, thank you to all who helped make this day such success. JEAN TULLOCH – President Ladies Section

VERONICA LAY 3

AUSTRALIA DAY AWARD – A JAGAJAGA COMMUNITY AWARD CERTIFICATE WAS PRESENTED TO

JOHN LEIGHTON IN RECOGNITION OF HIS CONTRIBUTION TO THE COMMUNITY.

JOHN HAS BEEN INTEGRAL IN MOVING MONTMORENCY BOWLING CLUB INTO THE DIGITAL AGE.

HE SPENDS MANY HOURS AT THE CLUB MANAGING RECORDS AND UPDATING SCORES FROM

SOCIAL AND PENNANT COMPETITIONS. WELL DESERVED.

_____________________________________________________________

SECRETARY’S REPORT Pennant: Our Pennant teams in the main are doing very well and it looks as if many of our players will be gaining finals experience this year. Hopefully we will see finals success and even promotion for some teams. Congratulations to the Selection Committees for the work they put in and also to the players who represent the Club so well each week. Volunteers: The condition of the greens, club rooms and surrounds is testimony to the work of the many volunteers at the Club. Apart from the cleaners, everything at the Club is carried out by volunteer labour, from the Chairman of the Board down. If you are an experienced or brand new bowler and not involved in any voluntary capacity, I encourage you to consider becoming more active. Don’t rely on others to look after you: becoming an active member of the Club is rewarding and one of the main social benefits that your club offers. Complaints Department: The wonderful thing about the democratic process is that we can elect Boards and various Committees on one day a year and then spend the next 360 odd days criticising everything that is done. The amount of negativity in some quarters is discouraging and unwarranted. There are proper processes for disagreement or registering a complaint. If you have a complaint, use the correct channels and look at positively resolving issues rather than destabilising the Club. Your Board and Committees have been elected to represent you and take actions that impact on the running of the Club, our Social Bowls programs, finances, liaising with all stakeholders, complying with statutory and legal obligations, greens, dealing with Bowls Victoria and Bowls Australia, looking after social activities, select teams, sponsorship, coaching, umpiring, catering, cleaning, gardening, provide and plan for the future: the list goes on. That individuals will not agree with every nuance of every decision made is hardly surprising. However, how complaints are progressed is important so if you have been guilty of negativity, please desist. It only reduces both you and your audience’s enjoyment of being a member of what is a really great club.

VERONICA LAY 4

Annual Meetings and Elections: Although we have the Pennant Season and finals to concentrate on for the next few weeks, we need to be aware that we are also approaching the time when members should be giving serious consideration to the upcoming Annual Meetings for the Board and the Sections and their Committees. In the weeks prior to the meetings, notices will be put up looking for volunteers for all positions across the Club. There is no impediment to any member putting their name down for any position, so if you are toying with the idea of becoming involved in the Club’s administration, look for these notices. It is definitely not a closed shop and we really are looking for new blood to carry the Club forward. Sorry for the early notice, but the time will be upon us soon enough. Want to know more? Feel free to give me a call or email. Petrie Park Development: The Banyule City Council’s plans for the development of Petrie Park and Rattray Reserve are obviously closely entwined with and will influence any future planning that the Club can make regarding greens and clubrooms. BCC are our landlord and are aware of the Club’s wish to upgrade our facilities so we can properly prepare for the future. We are still engaged in talks with BCC and other Park users but it is a drawn out process. I’ll keep you informed of any developments. A final thought: The doctor said he would examine him for $50. The patient said that if he could find it he’d go halves. John Herrald Secretary to the Board of Management ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

TUESDAY PENNANT REPORT Pennant is nearing the final stages for the season 2015-2016 and results are looking very good with the possibility of 5 teams with the chance to play finals. It has been a rather fragmented season with a number of byes and walkovers for four of our teams. This has made it a bit harder to monitor the different ladders showing the team performances but this will settle after this round as there are no more byes in the last three rounds. All teams will be playing for the last three weeks so all players will be required and possibly some emergencies as well. It is great to see Jean Tulloch and Lyn Harford back in action after their lengthy recoveries, also Mick Hehir on the mend. Helen Spence, Jessie Downs and Mario Petrosino are still on our sickies list and we wish them a speedy return to good health. Josie Hall also one of our reliable emergencies is out of action and we wish her good results for the future. Pennant forms for next year’s participation will be distributed on the last day of pennant and we would like these filled in and returned ASAP. These forms help the match committee to determine the number of teams to submit for next year’s pennant season. Numbers need to be submitted to Bowls Victoria mid-year when a lot of our players are away on holiday so please give this due consideration. Also please consider applications for Match Committee due at the AGM early April and allow the members to vote for the representatives they wish to work for them. Continued good bowling. GO MONTY! Glenda, on behalf of Barb, Shirley, Heather and Faye ________________________________________________________________________

VERONICA LAY 5

RECRUITMENT REPORT

Our Barefoot Bowling evenings are still going well and keeping us busy. It is great exposure for the Club and often results in new members. Thank you to all members who help out on those nights. The Corporate breakups in the weeks before Christmas have become very popular, keeping us busy. It was all worthwhile as several thousand dollars was made for the club thanks to the hard work of a few, and I thank you all. We are still trying to get enough teams to make our Jack Attack Competition worthwhile. It is now running over two Friday nights, the 4th and 11th March. We only need three people per team so if you have any family members or friends who would like to participate please let me know. Single entries are welcome. We have five new members to welcome this month, some have already commenced their coaching. Catherine Mitchell, John Anderson, Jack Zagorski, Maree Zagorski, and Craig Arthur. Once again, I know you will make all of them feel welcome. Good luck to all pennant teams who make the finals, we will be cheering you on. JACQUELINE WARD Recruitment Director

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

LADIES SECRETARY REPORT

FRIENDSHIP DAY Thursday 3rd March 10am start

Bring a friend, bowler or non-bowler to make this a fun day.

LADIES SECTION AGM

Tuesday 12th April 10am start Start thinking how you can help the club in any way to run as smoothly

as in the past. We need nominations for Selection, Social Bowls and General Committee.

Notices will be on the board next month.

VAL McINTYRE (SECRETARY)

VERONICA LAY 6

SOCIAL BOWLS REPORT

The Easter weekend is to be different from previous years. The Board after examining financial details and some organizational matters decided that the Monday would continue with $1200 prize money sourced from our club sponsor Slocum’s Carpets. It was requested that the format be mixed fours with optional team numbers not restricted to 2 women and two men. The Board this week has requested that a special social bowls day is too held on Easter Saturday with at least $600 prize money to be distributed. Our committee will meet Friday 12th of February to decide what format the day will take. A form of Open triples is the favored team format with nominated teams and single entries. Support for both events would make sure that each day is a success. Our Australia Day Medley was a great success thanks to the time and effort and organizational skills of Trevor and Colleen Cameron and their support team. A special thanks to the 64 players who made the day so enjoyable. These days are great opportunities for club members to meet people that they would not normally have the opportunity to play with. Our next Sunday event is the first of our Ray White days is to be held on February 28th. The sponsor contributes $1000 dollars split between two days, entry is restricted to current club members and each day $510 prize money will be on offer. The organization of the events is the joint responsibility of the Women’s and Men’s Social Bowls Committees. Please support these days as they are good opportunities for meeting and playing with and against a great variety of club members. The details of the competition game, team selection criteria and entry forms are on the main board in the Social Events section. The Club Championships games have been really interesting and there have been many very close games played with great spirit. The demeanor of winners and losers has been great to see. Players have readily acknowledged each other’s good play during the games and at the conclusion of their games. Congratulations to Phil Clements and Dan Evans who played a very high standard Singles Final with Phil eventually winning the title. The Men’s Pairs finals was an excellent game with some very close heads and pressure on all the way. The winners were the Foreign Legion pair Dan Evans and Eddie Azzopardi who beat John Harford and Gary Wills. Congratulations to all four who played the game in a very sporting manner. The spectators enjoyed it. The Wednesday Social Bowls is not very well supported. Several days have had to be cancelled due to lack of players and heat concerns. It is a fact that Tuesday pennant has been a factor influencing the lack of entries. The place of this competition next year will have to be carefully considered

At the end of this season I will not be continuing as Social Bowls Manager. I am looking forward to another enthusiastic person volunteering to take up the challenges ahead and working with the excellent women and men who make our club the envy of other clubs.

ALAN WEST Social Bowls Committee ____________________________________________________________________________________________

VERONICA LAY 7

SATURDAY MATCH COMMITTEE REPORT

With the Saturday Pennant season quickly coming to an end it is pleasing to report that three of our sides will definitely make the finals, and two other sides still a real chance to play off.

After 14 Rounds - Side 1 will finish in either second or top position in Division 2 (depending on other

results). This has been our objective for this season – to have a home first final and then subsequently play off and win promotion to 1st Division at a neutral venue. We now need to deliver on that objective.

Side 2 have maintained their good form and are currently in third position with a real chance to also qualify for a home final. This is a great result so far as Side 2 also plays in Division 2 and their opponents include six Clubs’ number one side. With a strong finals performance they are also a chance to be promoted to 1st Division. This would create a great dilemma for the club to be in – two sides in 1st Division next season! So it’s now in the capable hands of all players in Side 2 to finish off the season really strongly and claim that place for a home final, and then the chance to play off for promotion.

Side 3 are currently in 6th position in Division 4, 20 points outside the four. This is a disappointing result for this side as the Match Committee believes that Side 3 has the potential to at least make the finals. Side 3 will need to improve their performance for the last games, as they are still a chance to play off in the finals.

Side 4 is firmly entrenched in second position on the ladder in Division 4 and a great chance to host a home final. This is a huge result for this side as we are the only side in this Section to have a clubs No. 4 side (all others are made up of Clubs No. 1,2 or 3 sides). We will need to maintain our good form to perform well in the finals.

Side 5 are also in fourth position in Division 6 and should play off in the finals depending on other results in the last four rounds. Another great season from this side that also play Club’s higher numbered sides in their Section.

Unfortunately Side 6 will not make the finals after having a wonderful season last year. Their results have been a direct result of the many number of bowlers who have been unavailable throughout the year in higher sides, affecting the stability of the side.

Given that we have had many players unavailable for various reasons throughout the year these are outstanding results, as many of the sides have been weakened for many games because of the absence of players. It is timely to not only thank again our ‘emergencies’ for filling in when we were short, but to also thank most sincerely ALL Saturday Pennant players who have committed to play each Saturday and have not missed any matches (56 players)– well done to you all. After the Christmas break (with 8 games to play) we had a few new bowlers who were qualified to play and therefore available, several returning from injury, and several more experienced bowlers also making themselves available. Whilst this is a great position for the Club to be in (especially for next season) it does cause some headaches for the selectors as we had more than enough available bowlers for the six sides. As our documented Selection Policy 5. states - ‘Rotation of players when necessary will be implemented through the bottom side for those players committed to a full pennant season.’ We adhered to that selection policy and had to introduce a ‘roster system’ for the 6th side, and as a result some ‘available’ bowlers are not able to be selected and are missing out on a game. However we are aiming to minimise the number of games that people miss. Please note that the BV ‘qualification rules’ for the last four games of the season also has an impact on the formation of some of the sides for the remaining rounds, and we will endeavour to ensure that all players who qualify for the finals gets a game. However, after analysing our numbers of qualified bowlers for the finals, there will be several bowlers who will unfortunately

VERONICA LAY 8

miss out on a game. As always, players will be selected as per our documented Selection Policy and the documented Selection Process (taking into account the KPIs). It may be timely to re-acquaint yourselves with these by following the following link on our website – https://assets.imgstg.com/assets/console/document/documents/20150912075502MC_objectives_2015-2016.pdf To assist the Match Committee plan and select sides for the finals can you please notify us if you are unavailable for any game in the finals by discussing with your MC contact AND place your name on the ‘unavailable sheet’ on the MC Noticeboard ASAP. Please note that the finals begin on Saturday 5/3/16 and, if successful, the Grand Finals will be on SUNDAY 6/3/16.

Unfortunately numbers for the Saturday Pennant training sessions each week (Thursday 4:00 – 6:00) are again disappointing. This is both concerning and disappointing for the Match Committee as we want to see all our players improve their bowling and tactical skills, which will in turn make the club more successful, and your game more enjoyable. Now that we know that we will have a possible minimum of four sides in the finals it would be great if all bowlers who aren’t participating check our website to determine where the various sides are playing and attend the matches and support your fellow bowlers.

Bob Morgan Chair Saturday Pennant Match Committee ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

SOME BOWLING MILESTONES

500 GAMES – ANDY PURDON 300 GAMES – JOHN HERRALD JUDI WHITE SHIRLEY CRAPPER STEPHEN FOX MARGARET AUSTIN 450 GAMES – BARBARA ALLISON STEVE JABLONSKI SNR. 400 GAMES - JACQUI WARD 200 GAMES - IAN SANDERSON JOHN BEATTIE JUDY BENDSTEN HEATHER WILSON 100 GAMES – VAL McINTYRE VAL NEIL PHIL STIRLING 350 GAMES - JEFF LANDER DAVID HALL JOHN HARFORD PETER WATSON COLLEEN CAMERON ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

HOW TO SPEED UP THE GAME

Length of jack roll questioned, don’t waste time stepping it out, get the thirds or the umpire to check the length. Declaring the head, make a quick decision which bowls need to be measured, and put the tape on them, any dispute call the umpire. If you follow your bowl to the head, make sure you are there before it, once your bowl comes to rest your opposition has possession of the mat. With bowl in hand be ready to step on to the mat when it is time for you to deliver your bowl. When walking up the rink, do so as quickly as possible endeavoring not to wander on to the adjoining rink.

VERONICA LAY 9

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Windows 10 – is it time?

Most likely – YES!! Most of the difficulties associated with the upgrade to Windows 10 have been rectified. However, it appears that ASUS notebooks can still encounter some annoying problems. So, if your computer is NOT an ASUS notebook, now is the time to consider installing Windows 10. What can I expect from the upgrade? Microsoft has made the upgrade to Windows 10 completely automated. Once you start the upgrade, it just chugs away until it is complete. Remember, the upgrade is FREE for computers currently running Windows 7 or Windows 8. Be aware that

You should make a back-up of your data before the upgrade, just in case something goes wrong. If you are unsure how to do this, download Microsoft Synctoy (free), which is really easy to use, and easy to locate files to be retrieved from back-up;

The download of Windows 10 is 3.2 gbs. The upgrade will take at least a couple of hours;

During the upgrade, your computer will shut down and restart several times. This is absolutely normal;

Once the upgrade is finished, and you start using the computer, there still may be further activities required.

o If you decide to use Microsoft Edge (the replacement for Internet Explorer), you can go to Favourites, choose Import Favourites, and pick what you want.

o Or, you can continue to use Internet Explorer (it’s still there, just not obvious). Firefox and Chrome are also available.

o There may be other questions that are asked, but there will be nothing that should cause any problems

What you will end up with is a system that doesn’t look much different from Windows 7 (or Windows

8 if you are using a desktop interface app like Classic Shell). By pressing the key, you will be shown the tablet like interface. Pressing that key again returns you to the standard desktop.

So play around with it and enjoy the experience. And… if there is anything that you are unsure of, see below. Have a computer problem…. Or a question? Ask a computer club member for assistance. Current computer club members are - Bruce Bell, Les Houghton, Jeff Lander, Graham Polanski, Michael Sinclair, John Worth, and Phil Wynn. Remember, a small charge may apply for services rendered, but 100% of monies collected go to the club. And the charges are SMALL. A gold coin would suffice for simple answer that can be provided immediately. Solving more difficult problems may cost $5 to $20. This is significantly cheaper and quicker than equivalent commercial services. AND… any service provided to club members in performing their duties for the club do not attract a charge!! REMEMBER!! We are extremely fortunate to have Steve Murphy as a club sponsor. Steve’s expertise is far greater than any of the computer club members, and he is at our disposal to help solve problems or give advice (and his rates are competitive).

VERONICA LAY 10

URGENT MEETING

FOR ALL WOMEN BOWLERS AND SUPPORTERS OF WOMEN’S ONLY PENNANT

DATE: MONDAY 22ND FEBRUARY, 2016 AT 1.30 PM VENUE: HEATHERDALE REC & BOWLS CLUB 114 HEATHERDALE ROAD, MITCHAM

Please come along and support the women who are trying to resurrect this game and encourage others to attend with you. If you wish to attend, ring Glenda Swann to show your interest. Car pooling, so meet in the club car park at 12.30 pm. _______________________________________________________________________________________

IMPORTANT MESSAGE

To all members who use the club’s dishwasher, it is very important that you are familiar with the operation thereof. Clear instructions are displayed on how to operate the machine, please adhere to them strictly. If this is not done, the machine malfunctions and a service call is required to reset the computer. Please make the effort to make yourself conversant with the operation of the machine. If in doubt, ask another member for assistance.

VERONICA LAY 11

MBC SPONSORS – PLEASE SUPPORT THEM WHEN POSSIBLE

ANGOVES WINES ATHLETES FOOT ALI BAKAL 9439 3866 BACK IN MOTION 9439 6776 BARKLEYS HOTEL 9459 1166 BRIAR HILL FISH & CHIPS 9435 6502 BENDIGO BANK 9439 0188 CANNON TOYOTA 9459 3277 CARTRIDGE WORLD 9432 0611 CHERRY RED CAFÉ 9435 4291 COMFYHOME 94357911 DARREN JONES 9432 2544 DV FOOT & ANKLE CLINIC 9434 4422 DONCASTER SPORTING GEAR 9848 7387 DONUT KING 9434 4449 DELTA HOLIDAYS 8682 9481 ECHO PARTY GOODS 9434 1602 ELITE PANELS 9439 4225 ERN JENSEN FUNERALS 9480 1477 ELTHAM HOME TIMBER 9439 5533 ESPRESSO 3094 9435 9402 GLOBAL PIZZA 9434 5088 GOURMET BUTCHERS 9434 3570 GRAND PACIFIC TOURS 9809 2124 GWS ACCOUNTANTS 9434 6017 HOWARD MACKEY MOTORS 9435 1097

THURSDAY NIGHT SOCIAL BOWLS

Once again we have had a successful year, our numbers have been maintained, 1013 in 2013, 1138 in 2014 and 1279 in 2015 with the inclusion of some new bowlers and a few senior members joining us on occasions. Both Mick and Bill do their best to organize evenly matched teams, be it pairs/triples or combinations. Each week some money is set aside for our end of year Christmas night when we have a supper and door prizes. Over the year I keep a record of the winners and grinners and this year‘s winner of the perpetual trophy, the Monty Cup, went to Neil Greenwood. Our retrospective winners have been Phil Stirling, Steve Jablonski and John Hullin. So give some thought bowlers in joining us, we enjoy a social night of bowls year round. Neil Russell, Mick Lanigan and Bill Berry.

JAKTAR ELECTRICS 0412247691 LE PINE FUNERALS 94341666 LOWER PLENTY HOTEL 94351722 McDONALDS ELTHAM 9738 0782 MAX’S HAMBURGER BAR 9435 2332 MELB. BOWLS CENTRE 9488 0478 MERIDIAN TRAVEL 945 94933 MONTY APPLIANCE REPAIRS 9439 6241 MONT ELTHAM AUTO 94351198 MONTFLORA FLORIST 94342382 MONTMORENCY ELTHAM RSL 94323377 MONTY BAKEHOUSE 94352316 MONTY FOODWORKS 94351750 MONTY PHARMACY 94351729 MONT SERVICE CENTRE 94393444 MORRISON KLEEMAN 94312444 MUDD CAFÉ 94341211 OLD ENGLAND HOTEL 94591166 RAY WHITE REAL ESTATE 94327000 SLOCUM FLOORING 94396066 STEVE MURPHY COMPUTERS 0400147106 SWEET PEA FLORIST 94329277 TOY WORLD 94327166 ULTRATUNE 94321333 VALLEY VISION 94310347 WHITINGS ADVISORS 94352766

VERONICA LAY 12

JUST IN FUN

A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living." I just got back from a pleasure trip I took my mother-in-law to the airport. I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea. My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried. My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months. The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your cheque came back."Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!" Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?" A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand? The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me. Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!" A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking. The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started." A man called his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call." A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner - Take it or leave it. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."