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8/8/2019 Fear.less Magazine SEPTEMBER 2010
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Youre given the unlimited right to print and distribute this magazine and we encourage you to share it. Y
may not alter this in any way though, and you may not charge for it or for any of the content. The copyrigh
in this work belongs to the publishers, who are solely responsible for the content. All images used with
permission of contributors. Please send feedback or questions to [email protected]. To subscrib
to the magazine for free, go to http://www.fearlessstories.com.
Ishita Gupta
Ishita Gupta
advertising [at] fearlessstories [dot
Matt Atkinson
Katie Byrne
Jason Ramirez
fear.less
Publishers
Executive Editor
Advertising
Deputy Editor
Copy Editor
Senior Designer
acknowledgments
fear.less magazine is built on our contributors time, wisdom, and generosity. Gracious thanks to them. W
especially thank Brian Clark and Karen Preziosi for sharing their moving stories on September 11th.
ollow us onlinefacebook.com/fearlessstories twitter.com/fearlessstories
contents
12 16 2820 346
MAKE IT HAPPENAlex Gibney
6
4 EDITORS LETTER
THE BLANK SHEET OFPAPERMichael Paterson
16
RESPONSE ABILITYBrian Clark
28
12 WALK INTO FEARJacqueline Novogratz
THAT DAYKarens Preziosi
34
20 FOLLOW YOUR HEARTTom Kelly
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In matters of style, swim witthe current; in matters of
principle, stand like a rock.
Thomas Jefferson
There is no right way. Lets start off with
that. Fall is right around the corner (sum-
mer with a kiss of fall, a friend put it) and
with the seasonal change so with it comes my
personal desire to shed old habits and create
new grooves in my brain. Happy grooves. This
season of change brings relief, and Im glad
for it. What Ive noticed in the latest season
of my life (being a New Yorker, publishing a
magazine, working with inspired and creative
people, pushing myself and getting pushed
back) is that there is no right way.
Theres no right way to be an entrepreneur
(particularly lovely to know), no right way
to publish a never before published maga -
zine on a touchy topic, no right way (that
Ive heard) to balance work and personal life,
no right way to organize, no right way to do
crunches for awesome abs, no right phrase
to seal the deal. Ive had all these thoughts
in varying degrees in the last year (some sil-
ly, some major) but nonetheless Ive thought
them all.
Thats important.
It shows just how often we evaluate eve-
ry part of our lives, no matter how small or
huge, based on a right way. Were indoc-
trinated by well-meaning friends and family,
and not so well-intentioned media that show
us, very specifically, the right way to feel,
dress, smell, BE.
And lets not forget another culprit you and
I. We listen to everyone but ourselves, and
drown out our intuition by searching for an-
swers to questions were not even sure were
asking. We lose trust in our abilities, our
skills. We forget that we already know what
is right.
Im (clearly) not the Dalai Lama, but Ive
done my fare share of searching, and though
we usually shy away from general lessons
in fear.less, I want to share with you what
works for me. Take what you like and toss
the rest. (Repeat, rest, repeat): THERE IS NO
RIGHT WAY. TRUST YOUR INTENTIONS & DE-
CISIONS. BE WARY OF ALL GENERAL ADVICE.
STOP SEARCHING. LEARN (from others. FROM
YOURSELF), JUST DO THINGS. SO WHAT. MIS -
TAKES MATTER, MAKE THEM A LOT.
Not very lama-esque. But Ishita-esque. It
feels like me, and as the seasons change and
I get more comfortable in my own skin, I re-
alize how nice it is to not just be in my ownskin, but occupy it. Feels good, man.
In nature there is no right way. A tree isnt a
bush and it doesnt care about being one. A
bush isnt a squirrel nor does it want to be. A
squirrel doesnt want to be a fig (nyc squir-
rels will tell you so damnit!) Fall reminds me
not to wish for a different way, but to accept
the way thats unfolding in the moment (to
get Buddhist on you.)
Our contributors in this issue faced their own
questions about how to do it, whether it was
creating an Oscar-winning film (Alex Gibney),
facing his deepest fears in strict ashram life
(Tom Kelly) or quitting his job to uncover his
creative side (Michael Paterson.)
It wasnt easy (is it ever, really?), no doubt
they were laughed at, told they couldnt do
it, but in fact doing things their way brought
them to the success theyre known for now.
Being this awesome doesnt come from just
doing things the right way.
Keep reading to find more courageous folks
in this issue and as we change with the sea-sons (I think thats all of us), please share
fear.less with anyone who needs to hear that
their way is the right way.
Itll produce some really happy grooves.
xo Ishita
editor(s)letter
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Alex Gibney is an Oscarand Emmy-winning director and
producer. His work includes Enron:
The Smartest Guys in the Room,
Jimi Hendrix and the Blues, The
Human Behavior Experiments and
the Academy Award-winning Taxi
to the Dark Side, about a taxi driver
in Afghanistan who was tortured and
killed at Bagram Air Base in 2002.
Gibney is president of JigsawProductions an independentproduction company producing
lms, music documentaries and TV
miniseries.
HYPOTHETICALHORRIBLES INAFGHANISTAN
Ive had moments In
afghanIstan where
bombs exploded very
near my house, and
once a journalIst
was kIlled by someone
wearIng chest
explosIves at a spot
I had been just a few
mInutes before. so
theres no questIon
You just have to trust theprocess.
MAKE ITHAPPEN
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at I felt fear, but in those times,
ou cant really overcome that
ar; you just take precautions
nd be sensible. You realize that
nything can happen, and all you
an do is be cautious. That calms
ou down, to some extent.
those moments, theres noth-
g to do but focus on details.
stead of being frozen by hypo-
etical horribles, you focus on
e immediate details in front of
ou: How should I best accom-
ish this task? How can I nd
hat Im looking for? Who can I
sk? Who might speak English?
y focusing on the details, I found
at my broader, more generalar dissipated slowly.
................................
A PARENTSWORST FEAR
m usually thinking more about
y family than I am about myself
those moments, and although
m concerned for my safety, I
ertainly felt a responsibility for
em. Its much tougher to take
ose kinds of risks when people
e depending on you.
he most devastating fear for
e is to look into the future and
magine that you dont have thebility to take care of your chil-
ren. It may not sound like the
ar one experiences when facing
ring squad, but when you look
small kids and youre not mak-
g any money, and your pros-
ects look dim, and you dont
now if theyll be able to go to a
good school and you dont know
if you can keep a roof over their
heads, its a terrifying thought.
These thoughts racked me with
fear for many years and were
the worst moments of my life.
I wasnt able to sleep, it was so
consuming.
..................................
NO NEED TOPANIC
I was overcome by anxiety early
in my career during the editing
process, thinking that I wouldnt
nd the story or structure. It
overwhelmed me to the point
where I felt paralyzed, unable to
move forward. I was thrashing
about in a desperate state, always
trying to nd a way to the issue
of the lm. But in a documenta-
ry, youre trying to discover the
story through the material, so es-
sentially youre writing the script
at the end of the process rather
than at the beginning. Inevitably,
you go through a process where
you just dont know what the sto-
ry is, youre not certain how it will
turn out. You just have to trust
the process and visualize a mo-
ment in the not-so-distant future
when you know youre getting to
the end, and you know the end
will be good.
You have to have enough con-
dence in yourself to know that
youll get there somehow. That
realization allows you to nd
the story more quickly, because
youre not crippled by anxiety
and you know that its OK not to
know. Its a little like being in a
fog. You know sooner or later the
fog will lift, so theres no need for
you to panic.
..................................
IMAGINEYOURSELFSUCCEEDING
Youre not sure how youre go-
ing to get there, and you dont
know the path to reach the end,
but by being condent or fooling
yourself into a condence that
youll get there, it allows you to
go forward. If you visualize fail-
ure in the forefront of your mind,
youre done. You somehow have
to imagine yourself succeeding,
which allows you to then move
onto a path of success. If youre
lost in the woods and you pan-
ic, you get yourself into a much
worse situation than if you do
something rationally with the
hope that things will turn out
OK. Sometimes you can actually
take some comfort from admit-
ting that things are not good at
the moment but that they will get
better, and you focus on making
them so.
Getting lost in the woods is a lot
like making a documentary lm.
You have a lot of trees, a lot of
material, but you dont know how
to see any order in that mate-
rial or how to see your way out
of the forest. As a young man, I
was ailing around saying, Oh
my God, we dont know what
the structure is! This is terrible!
Sometimes I would impose a
structure, to the lms detriment.
It got me to a semi-nish line,
but it wasnt the best thing to
do. Allowing yourself time to nd
just the right story is crucial. It
takes some time to discern that,
but you have to be condent that
youll be able to get there.
..................................
FEAR IS THEPRICE OFAMBITION
Fear of failure and competit
still very much a driving fo
my career. I recently read a
on sociobiology that chang
thinking about fear called
Moral Animal by Robert W
He talks about how anxie
be a rather useful mechani
survival. If everyone was on
all the time, theyd never
get out of the woods if they
lost. Theyd be ne wher
are because, why did it m
They wouldnt have any am
These thoughts racked mewith fear for many years andwere the worst moments of mylife. I wasnt able to sleep, it wasso consuming.
It overwhelmed me to thepoint where I felt paralyzed, unable to move forward.
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ecause they wouldnt have fear
f failure as a motivator. Fear still
otivates me - I imagine releas-
g a lm and everyone walking
ut saying, What a joke. The
orst thing is if people yawn and
ink, Man, this is boring. Just
ecause Im at a certain level in
y career doesnt mean the fear
as disappeared. But if it werent
ere, I dont think I could push
yself to do the work.
................................
CHECKYOURSELF
hen I see new lmmakers who
ave a lot of fear, I tell them to
cus on the essence of their
ory, to nd one they think will
and the test of time and to in-
estigate how to make it happen.
hey need to check themselves
pfront to make sure its a story
at they feel in their gut, and if
is, then to pursue it as aggres-
sively and completely as possible.
When youre done, you need to
envision that youll be judged
by other people. You dont want
to spend too much time think-
ing about what others think, but
you need to be aware of it. At
the same time, use yourself as a
gauge. Would I be interested in
this? Would I walk into a theater
to watch this? It helps to imagine
yourself as the audience of your
lm.
I dont think the lms I make are
that great a risk. Yes, sometimes
I make lms about powerful
people, but its hard to imagine
that powerful people would no-
tice me, or if they did, that theywould take me out. When I go to
a dangerous place, that does oc-
casionally give me pause, but I
dont really focus on the risk that
much; I focus on the interest of
the story.
And usually, Im interested in
stories where I think some fun-
damental wrong has been com-
mitted. That kind of pisses you
o and makes you want to do
something about it. Im telling
that story. Im not worrying too
much about Is Dick Cheney go-
ing to be angry with me?
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Jacqueline Novogratzis the founder and CEO of
Acumen Funda nonprot ven-ture fund that uses entrepreneurial
approaches to redene solutions to
poverty. Acumen Fund nances en-
trepreneurs who bring aordable
clean water, housing and health care
to the poor. Prior to Acumen Fund,
Jacqueline directed The Philanthropy
Workshop at the Rockefeller Founda-
tion and founded Duterimbere, a mi-
cronance institution in Rwanda. Her
book The Blue Sweater tells stories
of a new philanthropy, emphasizing
bottom-up solutions over traditional
top-down aid.
A LOT OF ARMS TOCATCH YOU
I never felt too much
fear, even as a lIttle
kId. my mother tells
a story about when I
was 6 and how I really
wanted to walk
to school, because
the nuns cleaned
the sacrIsty In themornIng, and It was
about a mIle away
from our house. to get
there...
If anything, fear makes mework harder.
WALK INTOFEAR
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had to leave at 6:30 a.m. in the
ark, and she thought it was a
rrible idea but saw that there
as no stopping me. On the rst
ay, she literally drove behind
e slowly as I walked! She said,
Youre going to get yourself
lled! The next day, I did it by
yself.
espite this, I would get really
nxious about being the last kid
n the swim team. And some-
mes I was the worst kid on the
wim team, but I just did it any-
ay. What put things into per-
pective was after a race, when I
alized I survived and felt much
e same afterward as before. I
as lucky because I had parentsat said, You cant be good at
verything. Part of the blessing
f having a big family is that if
ou fall down, there are a lot of
ms to catch you.
................................
GIVE LOVE TOTHEM
Another aspect of being in a big
family is big expectations. As
the eldest child, you always want
to get good grades and just be
good the biggest fear is failing
at something.
As a young person, the thing I
was most scared of was public
speaking. The rst time I had to
talk to a big group of people, I
was absolutely terried. I used to
practice my speeches 20 times if
it was a big one, and Id be up
half the night working on it. Now
I dont practice at all unless its
really high stakes! But the more I
did it, the more I felt comfortable
with it. It took a lot of years and a
lot of practice.
I just looked at it and thought,
Its not about you. Its about
giving a message to those peo-
ple out there. Your job is to go
out there and be an instrument
and give love to this audience. I
talked myself into it, and then Id
go and do it. Its not that the fear
isnt there; its a commitment to
looking at the fear and walking
through it.
..................................
ANYTHING BUTMEDIOCRITY
To me, mediocrity was always
a much bigger fear than falling
down and having to pick yourself
back up. It felt much worse.
When I rst started Acumen,
someone said to me, Tell me
about your fear of failing. I said,
I dont have a fear of failing. He
said, Just visualize it for me. I
said, I cant visualize it for you,
its ridiculous. Im not going to
fail. He got so frustrated with
me, because he thought I wasnt
looking internally enough, but I
reected on that later, that per-
haps thats the nature of being an
entrepreneur - you cant visual-
ize failure, only success.
In Africa, there was a great deal
of uncertainty, and I wasnt quite
sure what my works role was ini-
tially. I questioned, Should I be
here? Am I doing the right thing?Am I good enough for this? But
again, maybe its entrepreneur-
ship, maybe its leadership, may-
be its just getting things done in
the world. You look at that fear,
and you just kind of walk into it.
You dont let it paralyze you.
..................................
KEEPINGYOURSELF INCHECK
One of the fears of being suc-
cessful is that perhaps youll lose
your humility. Another is that
youll move too far away from
the people that youre ultimately
serving and then be less eec-
tive. A third fear, which abso-
lutely needs to be confronted, is
that youll pay the price of losing
some of your closest social rela-
tionships, that you wont be there
enough for family and friends,
because youre so focused on the
mission that youre trying to ac-
complish.
Even if those work out, its still
possible you wont be good
enough, that you wont even
know if youre successful or if
youre really changing the world
for anybody in a way that real-
ly matters. And if you are good
enough, the world starts paying
a lot of attention to you, so you
have to somehow balance the
condence in going after what
you need to accomplish with the
humility of knowing youre a long
way from getting there.
I feel these fears every day. If any-
thing, it makes me work harder.
At some level, if I didnt have
those fears, then Id hope that
one of my friends would slap me.
Theyre motivating, cont
fears. The fear that will che
and your ego, check you an
desires.
.................................
LIMITLESSPOTENTIAL
Even as a young person, I
ways believed that peop
capable of extraordinary t
Human beings really do hav
limited potential, I have no
about that. I believed in s
Acumen from the though
bridging charity and the m
place could solve big proand that the world would r
nize more and more how
connected we are.
Part of theblessing ofhaving a big
amily is that ifyou fall down,
here are a
ot of arms to
catch you.
To me,mediocritywas always amuch biggerfear than fall-ing down andhaving to pickyourself backup.
One of thefears of beingsuccessful isthat perhapsyoull lose yourhumility.
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8/8/2019 Fear.less Magazine SEPTEMBER 2010
9/20
Michael Patersonis Creative Director at Ogilvy and
Mather Advertising in New York. He
started as an account executive in
London after earning his masters
in modern languages from Oxford
University. After living in Paris for
six years, he came to New York and
progressed up the corporate ladder,
rising to management supervisor. In
2000, he abandoned his corporate
career and, after studying nights andweekends and creating his portfolio,
began a new one as an art director at
Ogilvy. Michael has created extensive
advertising campaigns for clients
such as IMB, Motorola, Cotton, Inc.,
and Lenovo.
IMMERSE YOURSELF
fear Is a blank sheet of
paper. Its hard to face
the questIon, where
do you start? as a
creatIve professIonal.
you address that by
makIng sure youre
armed wIth all the
resources you can
possIbly have. that
means beIng swamped
In art and culture,
and really beIng
knowledgeable about
whats goIng on.
There isnt much to be afraid ofbesides failure.
THE BLANKSHEET OF
PAPER
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8/8/2019 Fear.less Magazine SEPTEMBER 2010
10/20
hat at least ensures that youre
quipped when you need to be,
o that you can solve the large
eative problems and things
pring to mind immediately when
ou confront the blank sheet of
aper. By educating yourself and
mmersing yourself in it, you di-
inish that fear. The imposing
ank sheet of paper becomes an
mazing canvas to create some-
ing original on. Its still the
cariest thing, but also the big-
est opportunity.
he biggest fear as a cre-
ive professional is, How
ood is my next idea go-
g to be? Im faced withat fear every day, and
s a creative person, the
uck stops with you. You
ant turn to anybody else
solve the problems for
ou, youre the end of the
hain, and you have to solve
em yourself. People come to
ou because they want you to
olve the problem, and that hap-
ens every day, and youve got to
andle it.
................................
FROMDARKNESS TOSUNLIGHT
efore this job I was doing some-
ing entirely dierent, so I know
e dierence between being a
eative professional and being
uck in a job youre not sure is
ght for you. Ive always been
eative, even as a kid, always had
n interest in art and photogra-
phy and fashion, but my previous
job was a business management
job where my creative side wasnt
engaged at all, and I became
very frustrated. I began debating
whether to switch careers. I was
thinking, I should do this, but I
dont know if I can, or how. That
was the most fearful time for me,
but I asked myself Whats the
a l t e rna - tive? I had no
rationale for staying in business,
so confronting my fear was the
only option.
The transition when I gave it all
up was a very exciting moment
of owering in my life. Really, it
was like the sun coming out af-
ter a huge long period of dark-
ness. I thought to myself, You
only live once, and to me it
meant, Why not actually live?
I dont think people really un-
derstand that, they forget what
that means. Sure, you might take
a risk, but theres always a risk
involved no matter what you do.
Sure, you might have to change,
and change is something I think a
lot of people fear, but in my ex-
perience, change has always been
a good thing. Its always provided
new avenues and opportunities,
things youve never even thought
of. Of course theres always the
chance things could go wrong.
But isnt it better to take that
risk? Or is it better to look back
at the end of it and say, I wish
Id taken that risk. The risk
of staying stagnant is muchworse than the risk of ex-
ploring opportunity, even
though its scary. If I hadnt
changed and made that tran-
sition in my life, I would be in
a much worse place right now.
..................................
UNCERTAINTY,MEETOPPORTUNITY
These uncertain times are a huge
opportunity for people. There are
a lot of people who dont like what
they do who can now choose to
reevaluate how they spend their
time. People will speak to me
and ask, What do you do? When
I say Im an art director, I cant
tell you how many times theyve
responded, Oh, that sounds like
fun. Whats it like? And I tell
them how I love getting up in the
morning and cant wait to come
to work, which doesnt even feel
like work, it just feels like my
life. Its what I do. So many times
people say, I have a job, but I
really dont enjoy what I do. So
lots of people obviously dont like
where theyre at. The troubles on
Wall Street might be a blessing
in disguise because maybe our
lives wont be so driven by money
anymore. Theres much more to
life than money, but in the past
20 years, money has been such a
huge driver.
..................................
FAILURE: GIVEIT A GO
There really isnt much to be
afraid of besides failure, and
what is failure anyway? If you try
something and it doesnt work, is
that really a failure? If you cause
a problem for somebody else or
you harm someone, thats dif-
ferent. But I always have in the
back of my mind, Well, at least
nobody died, its not that big a
deal. Thats what I say to myself.
Try it. Go for it. Give it a go. The
worst anyone can say is No. And
for every no there is a yes.
The creative industry is extremely
competitive, and competition is a
very healthy inspiration for suc-
cess. It inspires people to do well,
to do their best, to stay current.
And failures not a bad thing. Id
say most of the things Ive worked
on failed in one respect or anoth-
er. But Im still proud of them be-
cause theyve taught me some-
thing. I dont see the time I spent
before I became an art director as
a negative thing. If I hadnt done
that, I dont think I would have
the drive or enjoyment for what
I do now. That experience of not
doing what I loved makes thistime that much more valuable. I
look at everything from that per-
spective, that youve got to go
one step at a time and learn from
each experience.
..................................
REMAINING AGENERATOR
As you progressively b
more successful, the down
that you move away from
the person who actually c
the work and comes up w
idea to someone more in th
of enlisting and inspiring
people to come up with
You begin to move away fro
reason you got into it in th
place. Thats why you have
main you. You have to co
doing and thinking crea
You must actually generate
as well as develop them in o
because if you lose that co
tion to the blank sheet of
you cease to become a cperson. The best creative
are the ones who continue
those two things as they b
more successful. I couldn
up and get to work every
I didnt have that motivatin
The reason I come in is the
to create something.
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8/8/2019 Fear.less Magazine SEPTEMBER 2010
11/20
At the age of 24, Tom Kellyentered the Self-Realization Fellow-ship monastic order, taking vows of
simplicity, chastity, and obedience.
There, he spent the next 25 years as
a monk steeped in meditation and
humanitarian service. In 1999, Tom
left the monastic life to expand his
training and share his self-transfor-mation with others. He founded the
Soul Centerin Encinitas, Califor-nia, where he brings Raja Yogato the community through classes,
spiritual coaching and meditation.
Tom is an inspirational speaker who
travels worldwide to teach the trans-
formative power of yoga.
efore I went
Into the ashram
I was In college,
takIng all the relIgIon
and spIrItual classes
I could. I knew there
was somethIng In
my lIfe that I had to
understand and In
college the knowledgewas just pumpIng In
from the InsIde-out I
dIdnt feel It was rIght
for me. I realIzed that I
wanted to try to lead
the lIfe of a monastIc...
FOLLOWYOURHEART
You must keep utilizing whatworks for you.
B
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8/8/2019 Fear.less Magazine SEPTEMBER 2010
12/20
become a monk. My whole
piritual life, Ive followed my
eart, not my head. In college. I
alized that instead I wanted to
arn the life of a monastic and
ad my heart set on a particular
shram. After a long year of wait-
g on the wait list, I followed my
eart into the ashram and was
ery excited about going in. The
ay I arrived, I was over the moon
ecause I knew this was my lifes
urpose, and I couldnt believe I
as actually in. After waiting for
o long, it was wonderful.
he second day, however, my
ead started to get in the way. I
arted to question: Is this really
ght for me? This is really serious.
hat have I just done? Theres no
rning back from here. I knew
at this way of life was some-
ing you couldnt just do half-
ay - that it was going to be very
emanding for me personally. So
started to doubt my decision.doubted all day and the strife
ept building and building all day
ng and even into the night, to
e point where I couldnt sleep
at night because my heart was
clipsed by so much fear. I had
o much fear in my mind about
hether Id be able to live this
fe, whether I was disciplined
enough, whether I was too world-
ly of a person, whether Id miss all
the things of the world if I lived in
the ashram. By the time the third
day rolled around, I had already
decided I was leaving - my things
were packed.
My wholespiritual life,ve followedmy heart, notmy head.
That same afternoon on the third
day, the head monk called me in
for a meeting. I still hadnt methim yet since getting in, and the
rst thing he said to me when he
saw me was, Why are you think-
ing of leaving? I was shocked,
because I had never met him and
I hadnt told anyone about my
plan, so I thought, This guys a
mind reader! So I asked him if he
was.
Its written all over your face,
he said. Then he explained to me
logically that it didnt make sense
to wait so long to come into the
ashram and then leave after two
days. Why dont you just give us
one year here and see if youre
not happier at the end of the
year, he said. It sounded logical,
and being so young and scared, I
didnt have a rational argument,so I said, Ill give it one year.
Now, that still didnt take any of
the doubts or pain away, and the
fears didnt go away, but it did
help me to at least commit for
one year. Only now do I realize
that it was part of what I needed
to go through early in my life - to
face my fears head on - and I had
no other recourse but to pray and
meditate deeply.
..................................
THE DOORSCLOSEDBEHIND ME
When I came into the ashram, the
biggest fear in my mind was the
fear of living in the strict envi-
ronment and of leaving my fam-
ily, and it wasnt until the doors
actually closed behind me that
the stu hit the fan. All of my old
tendencies that Id tried to shed
before the ashram returned with
a vengeance and it felt like the
few years of spiritual work Id
done before didnt make any dif-
ference at all.
Nothing made sense to me. Noth-
ing. It was so hard to live with the
decision I made, and it felt like
life or death - just plain survival.
I didnt know from one day to the
next how I was going to make it
through. All I relied on was guts
and faith, the things that got me
in there. I actually cried a lot of
tears that rst year.
I think God wanted me inside
the door, with 15 other people,
in a very intense environment,because he knew I wouldnt be
able to leave even though I really
wanted to. The only way is to just
follow your heart, regardless of
what your head, your habits, or
the world, say to you. Thats how
youll be victorious. You have to
have counter-intelligence, and
counter the things that seem like
reality. You have to create
way of looking at your tho
and be super imaginativ
creative about what works f
to stay close to peace and
fear. It sure wont be eas
nothing of value is ever ac
easily.
As soon as you form a lofty
tion for something good fo
soul, its no cakewalk, be
theres a force in this worl
opposes the good, and as
as we get serious about
ing our consciousness, tha
gets more active. But I don
lieve were put in situation
are truly too much for us
though we think they are. T
a spiritual guidance team b
everything, orchestrating
going on. Theyre aware
we have to go through som
karma, theyll put us in a
tion where well face it ancome much stronger than w
coming at us.
After my rst year I had a
meeting with the head mon
he asked, Well, are you hap
And I had to say yes. I was
pier. Perhaps because of a d
I had so much fear in mymind about whether Id be ableto live this life...
I didntknow from oneday to the nexthow I was go-ing to make itthrough.
I dont be-lieve were pin situationsthat are truly
too much forus.
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8/8/2019 Fear.less Magazine SEPTEMBER 2010
13/20
ommitment to my soul, which
ad given me clarity and courage
follow my heart in the past, I
as able to keep my fears at bayr a little while. I lived that life
ear after year for 25 years, and
s long as I was happier each
ear, then that way of life was
orth it for me.
................................
BALE HAYWHILETHE SUN ISSHINING
have a lot of tools, sharpened
ver many years, to recognize
ar and to practice things that
set fear almost instantaneous-
. But that doesnt mean that itoesnt come back, and when
does, I use another tool. You
ave to keep utilizing what you
ave and what works for you, and
nce you nd them, using them
ecomes 100 percent the focus.
hen you build up a bank account
f amazing, wonderful energy,
conscious awareness and skills
so that when you face some un-
expected darkness or tests, you
have so much in reserve to deal
with it. Most people have noth-
ing in reserve to deal with fear,
and life just takes them down.
Its crisis management for most
people. The best way to handle it
is to make a lot of spiritual eort
in phases when youre not go-
ing through a test or a moment
of fear, so that you can prepare
yourself for when you do.
You need to have the eye of the
tiger and sense the nish line
even though it might be lifetimes
away. Theres a saying, Bale hay
while the sun is shining, so when
things get rough, theres no lev-
eling out. Theres no status quo
on the spiritual path. You have to
have a go-for-it attitude, take
advantage of every opportunityof good health and every oppor-
tunity to meditate, because thats
what abundance is about. Its the
abundance of all those wonderful
eorts put in over a long period
of time that store up amazing
grace when you need it.
Im talking about doing it rightnow. Go for it right now, wher-
ever youre at and whatever
youre doing. Theres no time to
waste. The good times are a time
to make a lot of spiritual money,
store up a lot of good spiritual
energy and put it in the bank -
the bank of the soul. Youve got
to bank on your soul. Its the re-
pository, the center of the wealth
of the universe. Thats the pro-
active approach to dealing with
fear.
..................................
THE OPPOSITEOF FEAR
When the time came that I seri-
ously considered leaving the ash-
ram after 25 years, I went on a
month-long retreat. I started hav-
ing signicant fears about leav-
ing the ashram after being there
for so long, and I started journal-
ing my fears in a notebook. After
nearly lling an entire notebook,
I thought, Theres no way I can
leave here. I have to stay. Whats
interesting is that even though I
felt fear in my heart, I didnt re-
ally think of them as fears at that
time; I just thought they were
feelings guiding me to stay in
the ashram rational feelings, I
thought. Everything I wrote down
suggested that it would be a bad
move to go out in the world.
Then one morning I looked at
each fear, every single one, and
wrote the opposite of each one
down. After I wrote the rst one,
I couldnt believe how all of the
sudden my heart felt lighter just
by writing it down. I felt that
when I wrote the opposite of each
fear, it almost reminded me, Oh,
thats who I am. This fear isnt
who I am, this idea beyond my
fear is who I am. So I proceeded
to do every single one like that,
the pages upon pages of fears I
had written down. By the time I
nished the last one, I knew: Its
absolutely time to leave the Ash-
ram.
Whats really interesting is that
none of those fears that I wrote
down that day have come true
since I left. Not one has materi-
alized. Its only in leaving that I
realized that my fears were base-
less. All my thoughts of Would
I be able to make it on my own?
Would I stay as spiritually intense
as I was in the Ashram? and on
and on werent even a consider-
ation. The answer was yes. Yes.
Im glad I addressed those fears
then, but the bottom line is: Write
down the opposite of your fears.
Youll probably realize that thats
who you really are, and then fol-
low that. Then always follow that.
Always follow your heart even if
it makes absolutely no sense to
your head. Follow and trust love.It will take you on a path that you
could never dream up in your
mind that leads you straight to
where you need to go.
..................................
LIFE: THEMOVIE
We live on a planet of change, of
duality. Theres birth and death,
sickness and health, youth and
age, sadness and happiness all
built into the human condition.
We dont know from one mo-
ment to the next if were
to be alive or if our loved
are going to be alive. So w
fear because its our fundam
human right. Add the stres
modern-day living and eco
pressures, and theres a c
tive fear that is a major fo
our lives. But fear and co
are constructed from the
entity, like dierent shape
movie screen formed by a
beam of light. When we
that we dont have to live
lusion, we are truly empow
When you turn inward, t
your soul, you gain a pow
daunted by the reality of
I still feel fear sometimes, b
35 years of spiritual eo
shown me that fear can
greatest thing to help turn
attention toward light a
motivator to change our
from the illusion of our wo
the potential we have withi
I try to keep my focus o
thought every day. As soo
forget that truth, Im in fe
soon as you choose anythi
truth, youre in delusion,
delusion theres fear. It
clear-cut - there isnt much
You haveto keep utiliz-ing what youhave and whatworks foryou.
We feel fear
because itsour funda-mental humanright.
As soonas you form aofty intentionor something
good for yoursoul, its nocakewalk.
I lookedat each fear,every singleone, and wrotethe oppositeof each onedown. Fear acourage a
constructfrom the saentity..
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ou either choose the positive
ought and mitigate the fear, or
ou choose the negative thought
nd remain in the darkness of
ar. Weve all been hypnotized to
rget how to do this. It has to be
practice of remembrance of
eady focus. We dont just need
minders every now and then,
e need to initiate the willpower
remember all the time. This
onstant practice is something
nyone can do.
.................................
STATE OFGRACE
e should recognize that theres
divine orchestration behind our
lives. Sometimes were so over-
whelmed by challenges and dif-
culties that we dont realize that
everything is still divvied up by
God. Were only given as much
as we can handle to grow but
never enough to smash us. I be-
lieve that our trials to come to us
in moments when were able to
handle them and grow to teach
us lessons, not to defeat us.
Now, Im approaching almost 40
years of steady spiritual living, 25
years in the monastery and when
Im in a state of grace, Im fear-
less. And I know for a fact that
sincere eort brings grace. Grace
comes when you are totally, sin-
cerely wanting to know truth,
from wanting to be a good per-
son, from wanting to do the right
thing. Its all in degrees. So the
more that you make steady, daily
progress and give daily remind-
ers to yourself, the more fearless
and in a state of grace youll be-
gin to feel.
..................................
Were onlygiven as muchas we can han-dle to grow butnever enoughto smash us..
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15/20
THE ROOMFALLS APART
The rst 10 seconds after the
plane hit our building, the
room fell apart. For ve or six
seconds, the building swayed
towards the Hudson River
about 6 feet, and then it came
back to vertical and stopped.
During that oscillation, I was
terried that the building was
going to fall over.
After the rst plane hit, we
werent sure that it was a hi-
jacking. We knew it was se-
vere, because we could look
up next door and see ma-
jor damage, but we really
thought it was an accident or
just a one-o situation. But
our tower was hit 17 minutes
afterward, and then I knew in
an instant that it was terror-
ism.
..................................
A FEELING OFCALM
When the building came back
to vertical, I felt that I was
physically ne and I could
think rationally. I could walk
about freely, I wasnt trapped,
and I had my ashlight with
me. I had this feeling - not
calmness, but optimism. I
had a sense of certainty that
I would be OK.
Since the 93 bombing, I had
volunteered to be a re mar-
shal on our oor, so I felt a
responsibility to help people
evacuate and get to a safe
zone. I led a group of seven
people down the west hall-
way to the center core where
we began our descent down
stairway. The plan was to go
to the center, nd a stairway
and start our descent. It was
only three oors down when
a woman came up the stairs
and stopped us, blocked us
from going further. She said,
We just came o a lower
oor, and there was ames
and smoke. Weve got to go
up higher.
..................................
SCREAMINGFOR HELP
I tried listening to this woman
but was interrupted by hear-
ing this banging noise and
mued screaming. I shut
my eyes and tried to concen-
trate on what I was hearing.
Turns out it was a stranger
screaming for help on oor
81. I left our group to go and
help, even though it pulled
me out of the group of peo-
ple I was leading down the
stairs. They turned around
and went upstairs, doing
what they thought was best
and listening to that woman,
and I was now focused on go-
ing to get this stranger. After
some probing in the smoky
darkness, I found the man
RESPONSEABILITY
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16/20
nd rescued him where he was
apped. He introduced himself
s Stanley.
hen we came back to the stairs,
didnt see any ames that the
oman had mentioned, so I wentown to investigate with this
ew friend of mine. Stanley and
picked our way through the de-
ris, through the 81st and past
e 78th oors. There were some
ames in the wall, but we just
ept going. At the 74th oor, all
f a sudden, we were in normal
onditions. The lights were on,
nd there was fresh air. There
as about an inch of water ow-
g underfoot from some bro-
en pipes, but once we got to
e 74th, I remember thinking,
Were ne. Well just walk out of
ere and be OK.
................................
A CRITICALDECISION
retrospect, the dilemma I was
ying to understand in that ear-
er moment was, Should I lis-
n to the woman or go to help
e stranger? If I were someone
se, I wonder if I would have
just thought, OK, this woman is
right. Theres got to be ames
down there. Im going to go up.
Thats clearly what my other
friends thought when they heard
her story, but they didnt make it
out. I only heard her talk for 10
seconds as she blocked us from
going down the stairs.
If that woman hadnt been there,
a lot of stories would be dier-
ent. I would have led that group
down, we would have dug our
way through the debris, but Stan-
ley would have been stuck where
he was and he would have died.
Its bizarre to think about.
I went because my grandmother
instilled some simple values in
me, and I put myself in Stanleys
position and knew I would have
wanted someone to help me if I
really needed help. So in I went.
Thats how it unfolded in that
moment. My friends didnt makea bad decision; they just made an
unfortunate one. They were given
information at the time, and they
accepted what she was saying.
Maybe if I had stayed in that con-
versation I could have convinced
everyone to go down and not up.
I dont know.
..................................
ANOTHERSTORY
I went in on the 81st oor with
a co-worker of mine named
Ron DiFrancesco. Ron was in
my group of six or seven that I
was leading down the stairs. It
was dark, and there was lots of
smoke. We were walking slowly.
It took awhile to move a short
distance just because it was dark
and so full of smoke that we re-
ally didnt know where we were
going. We were just responding
to this strangers voice. Halfway
there, Ron, who was right beside
me, was completely overcome by
smoke. Stanley, who I hadnt met
yet, was screaming, Help, Im
buried, I cant breathe, and Ron,
who was 2 feet away from me,
was just sputtering, completely
overwhelmed and gasping for
oxygen. But somehow, around
me was this bubble of fresh air,
like I was in a space helmet or a
divers mask. Ron left me, went
back to the stairs and went up.
He caught up to the other peo-
ple who were walking up, while I
continued further onto the 81st
oor and got Stanley.
Ron actually survived. He went up
to the 91st oor, 10 oors higher.
Thats where he caught up to ev-
erybody, and they said they were
starting to lie down on the oor
thinking they could get fresh air
closer to the oor. He said people
started falling asleep. That was
the phrase he used. They were
unconscious.
Thats how itunfolded in thatmoment.
Ron said he was almost asleep
when he heard a voice within him
say, Get up - almost a spiritual
thing. He said he knew that he
had to see his wife and children
again, so he fought his way back
to the stairs through the smoke.
The rst upper oors werentobstructed; about 80 or 81 was
where the damage started, and
Ron picked his way through the
debris as Stanley and I had done
earlier. He ended up following us
down and out of the building.
..................................
NONIGHTMAREONE DREAM
Despite my experience, Iv
blessed with the ability asleep when my head hi
pillow. I dont have night
about that day or anythin
that, but I did have one dre
signicance. September 11
a Tuesday, and on the foll
Monday night, I fell into a
where I was lying in my be
Despite myexperience, Ivebeen blessed
with the abilityto fall asleepwhen my headhits the pil-low.
I had asense of cer-ainty thatwould be
OK.
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8/8/2019 Fear.less Magazine SEPTEMBER 2010
17/20
y head o the pillow. To the
ot of my bed came Jos Mar-
ro.
anley and I had passed Jos on
e stairs on the 68th oor - he
as walking up. Hes the only
erson that Stanley and I saw in
e stairs in our entire decent.
e didnt overtake anybody. No-
ody overtook us. There were no
remen or policemen walking up
e stairs. We didnt see anybody
ith this one exception. I said,
os, where are you going? He
aid, I can hear Dave Vera up
bove, hes on the walkie-talkie
elping people. Im going up to
elp him. He didnt come backown.
ut a week later, Jos came to
e foot of my bed in my dream.
here was no tunnel of light, no
ashing lights, nothing like that
just Jos with this lovely smile
at he was known for. I looked
him and I was almost accusa-
ry. I said, Jos, youre alive!
ow did you do that? You fooled
verybody. Thats amazing! He
dnt respond to me, other than
smile and a nod of the head. He
onveyed a message, without him
erbalizing it, of Youll gure it
ut. So, I stared at him for an-
ther second or two, and then I
hut my eyes and shook my head.
that split second, he disap-
peared. About two seconds later,
my alarm went o. And from that
moment, I knew that Jos was
ne and my co-workers were
ne, and I have had no trouble
telling this story.
..................................
NO DOUBT
Any doubts about my faith evap-
orated after that dream. I was
raised a Protestant Christian, and
of course its natural to question
whats real and whats possible,
but now, I just have absolutely no
doubt about life after death and
there being a heaven. Ive always
been accused of being an opti-
mist, so its kind of natural for
me to continue that optimism.
Its not new, but it is reinforced.
..................................
RECOVERY
Less than a week after September
11, our company had a meeting
where we decided that we would
rebuild the company as best we
can and nancially help the fami-
lies of our victims. We lost 61
people out of 250 employees in
our World Trade Center oce.
We were fortunate. Prudential
Securities gave us a full oor of
one of their oce buildings. Dell
came in with computers from
their warehouse. We got support
its naturalto questionwhats real andwhats possi-
ble, but now, Ijust have abso-lutely no doubtabout life afterdeath.
from New York Telephone. Our
tech sta used the equipment to
create a makeshift trading oor.
Two weeks after moving into the
temporary oce, we had coun-
selors on the oor. We were go-
ing to group sessions and indi-
vidual therapy. Only a few peoplecouldnt come back to work. For
them, it was and remains a great
diculty.
But the rest of us managed to
help each other to recover. On
any given day, Susie would break
down, and ve or six people in
her immediate area would come
to her area and say, Thats OK,
Susie, were here together, and
then the next day it would be
Harry who would break down,
and Susie would now be one of
the ones doing the comforting.
So we all went on never know-
ing when that emotion was going
to hit us or who it was going to
hit next. And we did it together
much easier than trying to do
it alone.
..................................
THEAFTERMATH
For the next ve years, until his
retirement in August 2006, Brian
served as president of The Euro
Brokers Relief Fund, a publiccharity that continues to nan-
cially support the families of his
companys 61 victims.
Brian currently serves as presi-
dent of the deacons at The
Wycko Reformed Church and is
on the Board of Trustees at New
Brunswick Theological Seminary,
where he also chairs the Invest-
ment Advisory Council. In addi-
tion, he is on the
Board of Governors of Op
nity International (http:/
opportunity.org), a global
prise that provides micro
ness loans to the poorest
poor in 29 developing cou
In 2004, Brian was the r
ent of the Norman Vincent
Award for Positive Thinking
Brian Clarkwas hired in 1973 as the 10th employeEuro Brokers in Toronto and rose to become their executive
president one year later when they relocated to New York C
On September 11, 2001, Brian was on the 84th oor of the W
Trade Centers South Tower when the second airplane slam
into the building six oors below him. Brian is one of only
survivors above the planes point of impact from either towe
the rest ofus managed tohelp each otherto recover.
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was on the bus when
I saw smoke pouring
out of the buildings,
and I just remember seeing
this ve-story hole. I imme-
diately called the Help Line at
work and a man named Calvin
Dawson answered. He said he
was told it was a small six-
man plane that hit the other
building. At that point, I was
just in shock, and then think-
ing that the top of the build-
ing could fall over, it was too
much. I started screaming at
the top of my lungs on this
bus that it was no small plane
and they should all get out of
there. Then we got discon-
nected. My cell phone no lon-
ger worked...
I
Having been an EMT, I thought I
could help and I walked towards
the Trade Centers. No one could
get too close as it was blocked
o. Were standing there, and I
remember looking up and seeing
smoke coming out of the second
building and that another plane
had hit, and then all of a sudden,
the top of the second tower start-
ed to fall, and we started running
away, and thats when I really felt
fear, when I thought this building
was literally going to just collapse
on top of me.
None of the other fear in my life
came to the extent of this. The
ash just overtook us tumultuousdust and cement and asbestos
and burning esh, and you were
inhaling it, not able to breathe. It
was pitch black, and you couldnt
see your hand in front of you.
People were walking the streets,
crying, covered in gray toxic ash,
everyone was scared to death. I
was crawling on the sidewalk,
thinking, Oh, my God, theyre
going nd my body and tell my
mother, Your daughter died
on the streets of New York. So
many thoughts go through your
mind. It dawned on me I was on a
sidewalk in NYC and within feet of
me should be a door of a build-
ing. I realized I had to get inside
and out of the dust for clean air.
I heard another person crawling
and whimpering and knew we hadto get up. I said, Come with me,
to this man next to me, and I was
holding this complete strangers
hand, and Im dragging him with
me. Were both nervous, scared,
but it helped me to have another
person there and to be nurturing,
worrying more about him than
just me, to just focus on his fear
instead of mine for a minute.
It stopped me worrying about
my own life, and I thought, Ive
got to help this other person,
because he was whimpering and
crying. Even though I dont have
kids, I went into a protective, nur-
turing mode, and it took my mind
o of my own personal predica-
ment. I felt stronger and some-
how, things started making sense
in my head. The dust was making
it impossible to see so I decided
to follow the sound of breaking
glass not knowing whether it was
an explosion or going to lead
to safety. Someone had broken
open a window as several doorson nearby buildings that we felt
for were locked. We both jumped
through.
While on that sidewalk, I re-
member feeling that I got a little
strength from the thought that
my grandparents, and my father
who had already passed on, were
saying to me, Get up! You cant
die on the sidewalk! Even just
the touch of another human be-
ing gave me courage to say, Im
just not ready to die. Its not my
time. My life cant be over yet.
Something just kicked in.
..................................
NOT TRAINEDFOR THIS
I remember I had a lot of survi-
vor guilt. I kept thinking, Why
am I alive and theyre dead?
Why was my friend up there? It
didnt make any sense to me. The
death. The destruction.
co-workers, some of them
friends. We were suppos
launch new software that
ing, and one of the guys wh
had a baby said, You don
to come in. My kid gets m
Ill be here at 7 a.m. On M
night, I watched the Giants
ball game to the end. It we
ally late, so when my alarm
o the next morning and
rushing to take the earlie
I thought, Oh, others are
anyway. I dont have to ru
sleep in a bit more. So I di
and thats probably what
up saving my life.
I dont know if you ever
sense of something like
Over time, you learn to
it, but Im not sure it ev
tally goes away. There are
when Ill get emotional a
and days where I can talk
it like it happened to som
else, but I dont think your
really over it. To this day,
an emotional attachment th
not sure will ever go away.
that by the end of August th
mid-September, Im som
depressed every year. Las
was the rst time I went
during that time to Italy, a
the 11th, I hoped that being
would help, but it didnt. I
up crying about it and wa
ancholy the whole day. No where you are in the worl
day has a certain meanin
I think its just somethin
Ill live with the rest of my
was such emotional turmo
so tragic. I wasnt trained
in the front line of war lik
diers are, and even soldier
go to war, no matter how
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8/8/2019 Fear.less Magazine SEPTEMBER 2010
19/20
ou try to train them, come back
aumatized. I dont have anxiety
ound it, theres just a sadness.
................................
YOURE YOUROWN BESTFRIEND
ve always gotten support from
y family and friends, no mat-
r how traumatic the situation,
ut more than that, I got cour-
ge from my own inner strength.
here were weeks on end where
I didnt get up and go to work,
ay in bed and cried. But slowly,
ou get back to real life, and
ver time, you get stronger. It
ame from inside myself, and
though it took some time, I
arted to feel like I could over-
ome, that I could tune in to my
wn inner strength and that it
ould get me through.
oure your own best friend, and
oure the only person you can
ly on 24/7. Even though some-
ne else can talk to you, the truth
, sometimes you just have to
o through the things you have
go through. Everyone grieves
erently, and youve got to nd
our own way of getting through
Personally, and I believe this
as true even before 9/11, I re-
ly needed to embrace the pain
f life and feel it to my
ore, like when my grandmother
died in my arms. I believe you
have to embrace the pain, make
ove to the pain and that will get
ou through the pain. I cried ev-
ery night for about a year after
my grandmother passed, and
nally one morning I awoke real-
izing I didnt cry last night so I
must nally be starting to heal. I
still cried for a while but on and
o as time passed, it got better.
I embraced my pain, forcing my-
self to do things and go out, and
at some point, it starts picking up
little by little. I dont believe in
trying to numb that pain. I think
that just prolongs the agony. I
nd the more I really let myself
feel it, the better it gets and the
less time it takes to get through
it. I feel that thats more realistic,
not courageous. Whats workedfor me is to look it straight in
the eye and say, Yes, Im feeling
pain. Lying in bed, wallowing in
it and really looking at it directly
helped me get over it, although
the transition was slow. But then
its two steps forward, one step
back the entire way. The rst an-
niversary was the most dicult.
It was like I had climbed 12 steps
up the healing ladder only to fall
back down eleven of them.
..................................
SHARINGGRIEF
I created a memorial website,which turned into a memorial
book, and I think that hearing
other peoples grief and talking
to them about it was therapeu-
tic, in a way. Sharing grief with
people at the company was help-
ful too, because although every-
bodys story was so incredibly
dierent, whether you were up-
stairs, downstairs, outside, in-
side, you ran down the stairs or
you ran when the building was
falling, it brought us together.
To be honest, those are the only
people who truly understand how
it aected my life that day.
..................................
KarenPreziosi worked asthe Vice President of infor-
mation technology, nancialand business software for
Maxcor / Euro Brokers Inc.,
located in 2 World Trade
Center. The September 11,
2001, attacks claimed the
lives of 61 of the companys
employees. Karen volun-
teered to raise money for
relief funds that stemmed
from the tragedy and also
produced a Euro Brokers
memorial website for her
lost friends and colleagues,
which helped publish a re-
membrance book for the
families and friends on therst anniversary. Now Karen
works in the voice brokering
division for BGC Partners.
http://wtc.technol-ogyshoppe.com/
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8/8/2019 Fear.less Magazine SEPTEMBER 2010
20/20
I HAVE NO COMPETITION AND NO RIVALS.
EVERYBODYS GOT THEIR OWN PACE, THEIR OWN
TRIP. I DONT TRY TO KEEP UP. IF YOU DONT TRY AND
KEEP UP, YOU JUST SOUND LIKE YOURSELF, WHICH
SHOULD SOUND LIKE THE MOMENT.
Grace Jones
fear.less