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team of rivalsWhether you're 2 or 92, one thing is for sure: If you've got siblings, you've got conflict.

Learn why those you love the most can also make you craziest-and how to keep the peace.WRITTEN BY Jennifer Lindley ILLUSTRATIONS BY Andy J. Miller

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They are our first friends. Our first playmates. And,of course, our first dumbhead enemies who take upway more than thei r share of the backseat. Evenloving siblings can seesaw wildly between peace one

minute and all-out war the next. While brother-sister battlesdon't necessarily look the same in adulthood as they do inmiddle school CMommm, he's breathing on my new Volvo!"),they still exist. "It's not like Vegas. What happens in childhooddoesn't always stay in childhood," says psychologist AvidanMilevsky, Ph.D., the author of Sibling Relationships in Child-hood and Adolescence. Just in time for holiday gatherings,experts share (that's right,share) advice for achieving greatersibling harmony at any age.

little kidsWHY THEY FIGHT: For youngchildren, it's all about fairness-identical slices of cake, equalpiles of Lego bricks, precisehalves of Mommy's lap. "Chil-dren come preprogrammed towatch how they are beingtreated in relation to their sib-lings;' says Laurie Kramer, Ph.D.,a professor of applied familystud ies at the University ofIllinois, in Urbana. Obviouslynone ofthis matters until thereis a sibling. "Bringing home anew baby is like your husbandcoming home and announcing,'I'm getting a second wife, andyou will now have to share me.'There would be discord," saysMilevsky. Once the only childhas a housemate, most parentsassume that the early conflictsare about jockeying for atten-tion, but kids don't articulate itthat way. In a study published inthe journal Social Developmentin 2000, school-age sibling pairswere asked why they fought.Their number one reason:having to share their personalstuff, like dolls and tricycles.

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Attention from Mom and Dadcame in dead last, behind thingslike tattling and bad moods.WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE: Beforesiblings are in school full-time,they're like uncomfortableseatmates on a long flight.There's a lot of grabbing and,once the rug rats can tal k,name-calling and shouting. (Atime-tested favorite: "I'm notplaying with him ever again!")In one study, Kramer observedthe interactions of siblingsbetween the ages of th ree andseven and found that theyengaged in back-and-forthconflict (like one snatching atoy and another snatching itback) 3.5 times an hour. Inanother study from the Univer-sity of Waterloo, in Ontario,children in the two-to-four agerange got into it even moreoften, fighting every 10 min-utes on average. "Tempera-mental differences are magni-fied when we're kids, and thatintensifies problems. Childrenhaven't fully developed theimpulse control or empathyadults have," says Laura Mark-ham, Ph.D., a parenting coachand the author of PeacefulParent, Happy Kids: How to StopYelling and Start Connecting.

the Prevention Research Centerfor the Promotion of HumanDevelopment at Penn State Uni-versity, in University Park,Pennsylvania. "Kids learn howto articulate what they want,how to stand up for themselves,and how to see another per-son's perspective"-all essentialskills for a lifetime offuturerelationships with coworkers,spouses, and friends. All thatforced" practice" really pays off:According to new research fromOhio State University, in Colum-bus, for every additional siblingyou grow up with (up to seven),your chance of divorce in adult-hood decreases by 2 percent.HOW TO MAKE PEACE: Youdon't have to slice the bananabread with a ruler to cut backon the frequency of fights."Siblings can understand thatdifferent children need differ-ent treatment," says Kramer.

THE SILVER LINING: Bickeringat this age is actually a develop-mental plus. It lays the ground-work for emotional maturityand personal growth, teachingkids that their feelings arecomplex and variable. "Theystart to learn that while theycan't stand their baby sistertoday, they'll love her tomor-row," says Jane Isay, the authorof Mom Still Likes You Best:Overcoming the Past and Recon-necting With Your Siblings. Thefights also prepare childrento communicate well as adults."The sibling relationship isa powerful training ground forrelating to other people andresolving conflict," says MarkFeinberg, Ph.D., a professor at

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"You have to take the time toexplain the reason behind thediscrepancies." Say the babyneeds more of Dad's help rightnow because she's not asgrown-up as you (complimentshelp soften the blow), or yoursister got new jeans but youdidn't because hers were hand-me-downs with holes in theknees. If the kids are alreadyscreaming at one another,ignore that old parenting chest-nut "Just let them fight it out."Children under the age of eightor nine often haven't yet devel-oped conflict-managementskills. Without guidelines, they

can fall into repetitive-andunproductive-patterns ofarguing. (That's mine. / No, it'smine. / No, it's mine. / No, it'smine.) They may also interpretyour staying out oftheir tiffsas a sign that failing to makeup is OK. So take on the role ofactive mediator, says Feinberg.Give each child a chance togive her side of the story, thenhelp the kids brainstorm solu-tions together, such as the goodold taking-turns compromise.Praise success: "You guys aregood problem-solvers, andyou make a good team!"Thisapproach takes more effort

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than simply sending everyoneto a ti me-out, but it's an invest-ment. You're training your kidsto handle disagreements ontheir own down the road. "Youdon't have to do it every singletime," says Feinberg. "Use thisstrategy only when you areready to put in the time and bethe calm person in the room."It's fine to banish the little onesto opposite ends of the houseif you're about to blow your top.That said, there are situationswhere you should always inter-vene, such as when hittingoccurs, says Feinberg.

tweens and teensWHY THEY FIGHT: To acceleratethe graying of your hair? Tohorrify Grandma? Maybe. Butalso simply because they can. Inan adolescent world whererejection looms at every lunchtable, siblings represent a safeharbor. "You can have a big,blow-up fight with a sibling thatwould lead a friend to writeyou off forever," says Kramer."Your sibling is still going to bethere, sitting across from youat breakfast in the morning." Inother words, a child may stiflehis fury at school only tounleash it in the comfort of theliving room. Siblings this agealso start to become more com-petitive. Accomplishments,from grades to swimming medalsto roles in the school musical,take on increasing importance,turbocharging jealousy andstoking insecurities.

WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE: Sort ofas if nothing has changed fromwhen they were five. Kids thisage still argue over stuff Theysteal one another's clothing andslam doors. But because teensare bigger and more sophisti-cated, their fights can inflictmore damage-physically and

emotionally. One 2013 studyfrom the journal Pediatricsreported, not surprisingly, thatadolescent fights had a higherrate of physical injury thandid those between younger sib-lings. And with more maturelanguage skills, insults becomeincreasingly personal and hurtful.(In a 2013 study published inthe journal Child Development,researchers asked tweens andteens to share the mean thingsthey had said or done to theiryounger siblings. One ruthlesszi nger from an 11-year-old gi rl:"I called him a stupid, mean,nasty little elf-brother! He ISpretty short:') The only solacefor parents is that at this agethe fighting becomes lessfrequent. Tweens and teensaren't at home all the time, sothe 3.S-times-an-hour days areover. "Most kids this age havedifferent activities and differentci rcles of friends. They aren'twith their siblings that much.So parents can expect fightingto chill a little," says Markham.

THE SILVER LINING: Kids areworking hard to establish indi-vidual identities at this stage.(Am I an artist or a scientist?)And siblings can act as naturalfoils. Feinberg points to a pro-cess called de-identification, inwhich siblings purposely try toforge their own paths. In theprocess, they may even discovertheir true passions. "One waythat siblings avoid rivalry witheach other is by specializing indifferent th ings. If you r brotheris a soccer star, you mightgravitate to tennis or do some-thing totally different, like

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violin, so you're not competinghead-to-head," says Feinberg.Even debating which movie towatch can help siblings definetheir own tastes, says Kramer:"Through disagreeing, they getto figure out what they believe inand what their interests are."

HOW TO MAKE PEACE: You needto encourage togetherness, saysKramer. Tweens and teens whoplay (and laugh and do home-work) together ultimately getalong better than do those whoare apart most of the time. Thereason: If they rarely see oneanother, they lose opportunitiesto strengthen their bond, sowhen they do come into con-tact, they could feel more likecompetitors. Balance is key; youdon't need to overdo it with a12-hour road trip. And it'simportant to choose the rightactivity-maybe cooking or ahike rather than a heated kick-

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ball match. Encourage themto look at one another as advo-cates, too. "At dinner, if onechild describes a challenge atschool, ask the other if she'sever dealt with something simi-lar. It gives her the opportu n ityto offer advice and have a sharedexperience with her sibling,"says Kramer. "And when positiveinteractions outweigh the neg-ative ones, it can be a goodindicator that siblings will getalong well through the years:'It's like depositing goodwill in atough-times bank, says Kramer:"Siblings draw on good mem-ories to weather the inevitablesquabbles that will occur."

adultsWHY THEY FIGHT: 'Thereare running themes in siblingrelationships," says PaulineWallin, Ph.D., a clinical psychol-ogist and the author of TamingYour Inner Brat. "Envy, bullying,control. Your grumbling is stilldirected at the same person.The focus just changes fromwho controls the TV channel towho makes the decisions overyour parents' estate." Jealousyoften fuels adult conflict, assiblings get married, get promo-tions, and get pregnant. "Nowyou're envious of the job or theperfect children, not the toytruck," says Milevsky. Perceivedparental favoritism at any agecan continue to be a sorespot as well. (Does Mom visithim more often than me?)WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE: You nolonger wrestle with one anotheror grab toys (let's hope). Asadults, it's all about words, frompassive-aggressive e-mails tofull-blown screaming matches,says Scott Myers, Ph.D., aprofessor of communicationstudies at West Virginia Univer-sity, in Morgantown, and anexpert on adult-sibling commu-nication. Through his research,Myers has found that adultstend to be more verballyaggressive with siblings (sayingthings to purposely hurt them)than with anyone else.Markham agrees: "There arenot a whole lot of sanctionsin the sibling relationship. Youcan't talk to your boss likethis or you would get fired."Other siblings who butt headsmay cut off communicationand become estranged.

THE SILVER LINING: Heatedexchanges between siblingsdon't necessarily get in the wayof friendship. (You can't pushsomeone's buttons unless

you're attuned to what makeshim tick.) Indeed, a majority ofadults over the age of 65 saidthat they have positive relation-ships with their siblings, accord-ing to a study published in theInternational Journal of Agingand Human Development. Assiblings age, they mellow, andminor differences begin to palein comparison with the power-ful ties that they share. TheStudy of Adult Development atHarvard University HealthServices, which followed adultsubjects for decades, found asubstantial correlation betweenhaving a strong bond withsiblings in the early 20s andbeing emotionally well-adjustedin later adulthood. And thesibling bond proved morepivotal to adult contentmentthan did having a successfulcareer or a happy marriage.

HOW TO MAKE PEACE: Unlikekids who have no choice but tosee one another every day,adults with old rivalries can stoptalking and let residual jealousyor stubbornness create perma-nent rifts. Or they may usefamily gatherings, such as theholidays, to revisit old slights.(Oh, I see. I still get the dinnerplate with the big chip.) Thegood news is that you can beginto bridge what may seem likea gaping chasm with small acts,says Isay. Here's how to getthe goodwill flowing.

1. Identify the realproblem. If you're seethingover your sister's new job, it'sprobably a sign that you'refeeling insecure about yourown career, says Milevsky.

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1stead of resenting her (nol1atter how annoying it is

hen she mentions her'luge salary), try to let thisnowledge motivate you to

make a change or, at theery least, help you to be

gracious toward her.

2.Work on yourcompliments. If you have astrained relationship withyour sister, you probablykeep a mental laundry list ofher faults. So make a pointto say something nice: "I'vealways loved your senseof humor" or "You've done agreat job balancing yournew job and the kids' sched-ules." Says Wallin, 'Thisforces you to look for thepositive in her:' You r ki nd-ness will not only fostergoodwill (who doesn't love aperson who gives compli-ments?) but also soften yoursibling's attitude. It's hardto follow up a complimentwith a sarcastic or nastyretort, no matter how out-spoken your sibling may be.

3. Preemptl If you have abossy brother, get a jumpon his inevitable unsolicitedadvice and ask his opinionon something mundane: "Ineed new tires. Do you haveany suggestions?" or "I'mtired of my usual dinnerroutine. Any recipe ideas?"This allows him to feelimportant (probably his realmotivation, anyway) whileyou stay in control.

4. Speak up. Many of uscarry around old wounds thatour siblings inflicted on usin childhood. Maybe youstill feel self-conscious aboutyour ears because yourbrother called you Dumbo.

Or perhaps your sister hasalways teased you for beingdisorganized, even thoughyour home is now as neat asa pin. It's time to confrontyour sibling about that hurtand ask that it come to anend. "We feel our siblingsshould be able to read ourminds because we grew uptogether," says Myers. "Butthat's not necessarily so.It's OK to say, 'I know I was achubby kid, but that jokeisn't funny now. It's a sensi-tive issue for me.''' Whileyour 12-year-old sistermight not have taken yourrequest seriously, youradult sibling very likely will.

5.Say you're sorry. Anychance you're the sister whobullies? Sincere apologiesgo a long way. "Those simplewords can work wonders tobreak a long-standing cycleof perceived slights anddefensiveness," says Wallin.If even that seems scary,start with a baby step."Sometimes a small olivebranch, like offering to get acup of coffee together, canopen up the lines of com-munication," says Milevsky.That $3 latte is an invest-ment well worth making. "Inthe end, there's one personwho knows all the childhoodsongs and the nicknameof your first dog," says Isay."Parents die, couplesdivorce, children grow up.Your sibling is there forever."

want a closerrelationship withyour sibling'?Check out 10 tips forstrengthening the bond atrealsimple.com/siblings.

and you thoughtwet willies werebadThese ruthless animalsiblings make thesquabbles in your habitatlook downright adorable.Read on and be gladyou're not a mother hyena.

GOLDEN EAGLESWhen these majestic birdsnest, they usually laytwo eggs a few days apart.In lean years, when foodis short, the chick thathatches first sometimeskills the younger oneby stealing its food untilit dies of malnutrition.The surviving sibling mayeven devour the youngerone's corpse.

SPOTTED HYENASBorn with sharp teeth,these predators oftenattack younger siblingsjust minutes after leavingthe womb. The wounds(usually deep in theshoulder blades) tendto become infected andweaken the animals'ability to nurse.

SNOWY EGRETSSnowy egrets lay threeto five eggs. The first birdto hatch (as much as 10days before the last) willbe bigger, stronger, andmore aggressive than itssiblings-and very likelyto steal their food. In thehopes of getting largerportions, older birds maypush younger ones outofthe nest or fatally stabthem with their beaks.

GIANT PANDASEven though they canhandle only one cubat a time, giant pandasoften give birth to twins.When that happens,the mother chooses toraise the stronger cuband abandons its sibling.There are few knowncases of twin pandas bothsurviving in the wild.

-Maya Kukes