FAMILY FAMILY COMMUNICATIONCOMMUNICATION

Lecture 22aLecture 22a

Communication in Everyday Communication in Everyday LifeLife

WHY FAMILIES?WHY FAMILIES?

PHYSICAL NEEDS AIR, FOOD, SEX

SAFETYSAFETY SHELTER

BELONGING

INCLUSION, FUN

SELFESTEEM

SELF-ACTUALIZATION

TO MEET ALL OF OUR NEEDSTO MEET ALL OF OUR NEEDS

FAMILY: DEFINITIONFAMILY: DEFINITION

• Family: “networks of people who share their lives over long periods of time; who are bound by ties of marriage, blood or commitment, legal or otherwise; who consider themselves as family; and who share future expectations of connected relationship”

– AR

FUNCTIONS OF THE FAMILYFUNCTIONS OF THE FAMILY

• InternalInternal• Provide careProvide care• SocializationSocialization• Intellectual Intellectual

developmentdevelopment• Emotional support Emotional support

and developmentand development• RecreationRecreation

• ExternalExternal• Transmission of Transmission of

cultural valuescultural values• Adaptation to social Adaptation to social

changechange

STRUCTURES OF THE STRUCTURES OF THE FAMILYFAMILY

• POWER-AUTHORITY STRUCTUREPOWER-AUTHORITY STRUCTURE• POWER HELD BY ONE OR BOTH PARENTSPOWER HELD BY ONE OR BOTH PARENTS• CHILDREN DEVELOP OWN POWERCHILDREN DEVELOP OWN POWER• CLEAR AUTHORITY LINE OR VARIABLECLEAR AUTHORITY LINE OR VARIABLE

• DECISION-MAKING STYLEDECISION-MAKING STYLE• FORCING/ACCOMMODATION/COMPROMISEFORCING/ACCOMMODATION/COMPROMISE• COLLABORATIONCOLLABORATION• AD HOCAD HOC

• INTERACTION STRUCTUREINTERACTION STRUCTURE• WHO TALKS TO WHOM ABOUT WHATWHO TALKS TO WHOM ABOUT WHAT

FAMILY FAMILY COMMUNICATIONCOMMUNICATION

Lecture 22bLecture 22b

Communication in Everyday LifeCommunication in Everyday Life

FAMILIES AS “PEOPLE-FAMILIES AS “PEOPLE-MAKING FACTORIES”MAKING FACTORIES”

• FAMILY COMMUNICATION SHAPESFAMILY COMMUNICATION SHAPES• SELF-CONCEPT AND SELF-ESTEEMSELF-CONCEPT AND SELF-ESTEEM

• COGNITIVE AND EMOTIONAL COGNITIVE AND EMOTIONAL DEVELOPMENTDEVELOPMENT

• PARTICULARLY WHEN CHILD’S PARTICULARLY WHEN CHILD’S BEHAVIOR DOESN’T FIT FAMILY BEHAVIOR DOESN’T FIT FAMILY “RULES”“RULES”

FAMILY COMMUNICATION FAMILY COMMUNICATION RULESRULES

• Regulative rules -Regulative rules - guides to actionguides to action• Obligatory:Obligatory: explicit: “you must” “you have to” or implicit explicit: “you must” “you have to” or implicit

example settingexample setting

• Appropriate:Appropriate: not force of obligation but deemed “good not force of obligation but deemed “good behavior”behavior”

• Constitutive rules -Constitutive rules - how certain communicative how certain communicative acts are to be countedacts are to be counted

• ““Helping your brother means you care”Helping your brother means you care”

• ““Snide remarks are a sign of disrespect”Snide remarks are a sign of disrespect”

HOW THE FAMILY COMMUNICATES HOW THE FAMILY COMMUNICATES ITS VIEWS OF CHILD: REVIEWITS VIEWS OF CHILD: REVIEW

• Direct definitionDirect definition• Labels (+ and -) and instructionLabels (+ and -) and instruction

• Not only defines self but self-worth (role names and character names) Not only defines self but self-worth (role names and character names)

• Identity scriptsIdentity scripts• Who we are, how we are supposed to live, including T.A.’S Who we are, how we are supposed to live, including T.A.’S

ok/not ok life positions ok/not ok life positions

• Attachment stylesAttachment styles• Secure, fearful, dismissive, anxiousSecure, fearful, dismissive, anxious

ATTACHMENTS STYLESATTACHMENTS STYLESBASED ON FIRST BOND WITH PARENT

CAREGIVER: CONSISTENTLY LOVING

AND ATTENTIVE

CAREGIVER: CONSISTENTLY NEGATIVE,

REJECTING, ABUSIVE

CAREGIVER: UNINTERESTED,

REJECTING

CAREGIVER: INCONSISTENT - SOMETIMES LOVING THEN

REJECTING

PARENT TALKPARENT TALK

• THE MESSAGETHE MESSAGE

(CONTENT)(CONTENT)

VERSUS THEVERSUS THE

• METAMESSAGEMETAMESSAGE

(RELATIONSHIP)(RELATIONSHIP)

Video Example

PARENT TALKPARENT TALK

• THE MESSAGETHE MESSAGE

(CONTENT)(CONTENT)

VERSUS THEVERSUS THE

• METAMESSAGE METAMESSAGE

(RELATIONSHIP)(RELATIONSHIP)

PARENTING STYLESPARENTING STYLESR

espo

nsiv

e

Hi

Lo

Lo HiDemanding

AuthoritativeChild Centered, Hi parental involvement, Active interest in child’s life, Rules and limits clear but flexible. Negotiated structure and control. Open communication, Acceptance, Trust. Know where, with whom children are.

Permissive

Child Centered, responsive, warm, accepting, and child-centered, but non-

demanding. They lack parental control.

NeglectfulNeither responsive nor demanding. They do not support or encourage their child's self-regulation, and they often fail to monitor or supervise the child's behavior. Their style is adult-centered and uninvolved.

AuthoritarianDemanding, but not responsive. Show little trust toward their children, and their way of engagement is strictly adult-centered. Often fear losing control, and they discourage open communication.

FAMILY FAMILY COMMUNICATIONCOMMUNICATION

Lecture 22cLecture 22c

Communication in Everyday LifeCommunication in Everyday Life

PARENTING GOALS:PARENTING GOALS:BE RIGHT OR DEVELOP CHILD’S BE RIGHT OR DEVELOP CHILD’S

CHARACTER (EQ)?CHARACTER (EQ)?

• TeachingTeaching• AdvisingAdvising• CoachingCoaching• PlacatingPlacating• LecturingLecturing

• Judging Judging • DerailingDerailing• Mind ReadingMind Reading• Moralizing Moralizing • Ineffective praisingIneffective praising

LIGHT C.O.N.T.R.O.L. TALKLIGHT C.O.N.T.R.O.L. TALK: : VARIABLE EFFECTIVNESSVARIABLE EFFECTIVNESS

PARENTING GOALS:PARENTING GOALS:BE RIGHT OR DEVELOP CHILD’S BE RIGHT OR DEVELOP CHILD’S

CHARACTER (EQ)?CHARACTER (EQ)?

• OrderingOrdering• ThreateningThreatening• PityingPitying• ShamingShaming• InterrogatingInterrogating• DenyingDenying

HEAVY C.O.N.T.R.O.L. TALK : HEAVY C.O.N.T.R.O.L. TALK : INEFFECTIVEINEFFECTIVE

AUTHORITATIVE PARENTING AUTHORITATIVE PARENTING MEANS D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E.MEANS D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E.

• DESCRIPTIONDESCRIPTION• Try to stay as close to the bottom of the inference ladder as possibleTry to stay as close to the bottom of the inference ladder as possible

• Description is about “what is” (as you perceive, understand it) not about Description is about “what is” (as you perceive, understand it) not about how it “should be”how it “should be”

• I-MESSAGESI-MESSAGES• Start with I - Acknowledge other, describe your perceptions, needs, wantsStart with I - Acknowledge other, describe your perceptions, needs, wants

• ASKING QUESTIONSASKING QUESTIONS• The 4w2H questions - to seek info and create support not defenseThe 4w2H questions - to seek info and create support not defense

ASKING QUESTIONS IN ASKING QUESTIONS IN D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E.D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E.

• DON’T JUDGE - DON’T JUDGE - SUPPORTSUPPORT

• ASK ASK QUESTIONSQUESTIONS(4W2H):(4W2H):

• WHAT -WHEREWHAT -WHERE• WHEN - WHOWHEN - WHO• HOW-HOW MUCHHOW-HOW MUCH• MAKE “DIDYA?” “WHAT MAKE “DIDYA?” “WHAT

DIDYA?”DIDYA?”

• CREATE SAFE PLACE CREATE SAFE PLACE FOR CHILD TO TALKFOR CHILD TO TALK

• CLIMATE OF TRUSTCLIMATE OF TRUST

AUTHORITATIVE PARENTING AUTHORITATIVE PARENTING MEANS D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E.MEANS D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E.

• LISTENING ACTIVELYLISTENING ACTIVELY• Only ask questions to clarify, not to give your opinion or tell your Only ask questions to clarify, not to give your opinion or tell your

story. story.

• Reflect back in your own words what other is thinking and Reflect back in your own words what other is thinking and feeling,to show full understanding. feeling,to show full understanding.

• Avoid telling them what they should be thinking/ feeling and avoid Avoid telling them what they should be thinking/ feeling and avoid giving advice unless asked.giving advice unless asked.

• OPEN ACKNOWLEDGMENTOPEN ACKNOWLEDGMENT• I-message to show you understand from their point of view.I-message to show you understand from their point of view.

• GENUINE SUPPORTGENUINE SUPPORT• I-message(s) to affirm, compliment, thank or explain how things could go betterI-message(s) to affirm, compliment, thank or explain how things could go better

•LISTENING ACTIVELYLISTENING ACTIVELY•Only ask questions to clarify, not to give your opinion or tell your story. Only ask questions to clarify, not to give your opinion or tell your story.

•Reflect back in your own words what other is thinking and feeling,to Reflect back in your own words what other is thinking and feeling,to show full understanding. show full understanding.

•Avoid telling them what they should be thinking/ feeling and avoid Avoid telling them what they should be thinking/ feeling and avoid giving advice unless asked.giving advice unless asked.

AUTHORITATIVE PARENTING AUTHORITATIVE PARENTING MEANS D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E.MEANS D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E.

WHEN CHILDREN “ACT UP”WHEN CHILDREN “ACT UP”• Parent try various methods with no success. :

– time-outs, – reward systems, – Scolding - “stop being a baby” and – spanking

• Why no success? • Rather than addressing their children’s feelings, they are

putting a “lid” on them • They have failed to address the real fuel source of their

behavior – their emotions • M. S. Kurcinka, Parents, Kids and Power Struggles

TWO KINDS OF PARENTAL TWO KINDS OF PARENTAL RESPONSESRESPONSES

• AUTHORITATIVE STYLE: INDUCTIONAUTHORITATIVE STYLE: INDUCTION• SELF-DISCPLINE AND EMOTIONAL SELF-SELF-DISCPLINE AND EMOTIONAL SELF-

MANAGEMENTMANAGEMENT• TALK WITH CHILDTALK WITH CHILD• HELP CHILDREN UNDERSTAND WHY THEY SHOULD FOLLOW HELP CHILDREN UNDERSTAND WHY THEY SHOULD FOLLOW

RULES AND MANAGE THEIR EMOTIONSRULES AND MANAGE THEIR EMOTIONS• THE CHILD LEARNS TO SELF-MANAGETHE CHILD LEARNS TO SELF-MANAGE

• AUTHORITARIAN STYLE: CONTROLAUTHORITARIAN STYLE: CONTROL• EXTERNAL DISCIPLINEEXTERNAL DISCIPLINE

• POWER ASSERTION POWER ASSERTION -ACTIVE C.O.N.T.R.O.L-ACTIVE C.O.N.T.R.O.L

• LOVE WITHDRAWALLOVE WITHDRAWAL-PASSIVE-PASSIVE C.O.N.T.R.O.LC.O.N.T.R.O.L• BOTH SHORT TERM FIXESBOTH SHORT TERM FIXES

EFFECTIVE “DISCIPLINE” EFFECTIVE “DISCIPLINE” FEEDBACKFEEDBACK

FEEDBACK FOR INDUCTIONFEEDBACK FOR INDUCTION• Non-JudgmentalNon-Judgmental• Point of view: child Point of view: child isis good, loved. Use descriptive language, adult good, loved. Use descriptive language, adult

voice.voice.

• SpecificSpecific • Focus on particular behaviour/situationFocus on particular behaviour/situation

• ImmediateImmediate• Do it as close to occurrence as possibleDo it as close to occurrence as possible

• Ask QuestionsAsk Questions• Get their views, understanding, feelings about what happenedGet their views, understanding, feelings about what happened

EFFECTIVE “DISCIPLINE” EFFECTIVE “DISCIPLINE” FEEDBACKFEEDBACK

• ConsistentConsistent• Predictability, follow rules you’ve set, keep promisesPredictability, follow rules you’ve set, keep promises

• Disclose Disclose • Describe your own feelings (“I-messages”) Vs. tell them their feelings Describe your own feelings (“I-messages”) Vs. tell them their feelings

(“You –message”)(“You –message”)

• CongruentCongruent• Verbals and non-verbals match. Kids particularly vulnerable to Verbals and non-verbals match. Kids particularly vulnerable to

incongruency. Double-bind effect.incongruency. Double-bind effect.

• Likely to create internal ethical standards - apply Likely to create internal ethical standards - apply without parent therewithout parent there

• Basis for Development of Emotional IntelligenceBasis for Development of Emotional Intelligence