EXPLORING MARRIAGES AND FAMILY, 2 ND EDITION Karen Seccombe © 2015, 2012 by Pearson Education, Inc....

EXPLORING MARRIAGES AND FAMILY, 2ND EDITION

Karen Seccombe

© 2015, 2012 by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

Chapter 12

The Process of Divorce

Special Topic:Children and Divorce

Review

• As you learned in Chapter 12, the United States has one of the world’s highest divorce rates.

• Nonetheless, the divorce rate in the U.S. has declined significantly over the past 30 years.

© 2015, 2012 Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved.

Review

• The text discusses the short- and long-term effects of divorce on children.

• How can parents help their children cope with the effects of separation and divorce?


A Child’s List of Wants…

• 1. “I need both of you to stay involved in my life. Please write me letters, make phone calls, and ask me lots of questions.”

• 2. “Please stop fighting and work hard to get along with each other. Try to agree on matters related to me. When you fight about me, I think that I did something wrong and I feel guilty.”



• 3. “I want to love you both and enjoy the time that I spend with each of you. If you act jealous or upset, I feel like I need to take sides and love one parent more than the other.”

• 4. “Please communicate directly with my other parent so that I don’t have to send messages back and forth.”



• 5. “When talking about my other parent, please say only nice things, or don’t say anything at all. When you say unkind things about my parent, I feel like you are expecting me to take your side.”

• 6. “I want both of you to be a part of my life. I count on my mom and dad to raise me, to teach me what is important, and to help me when I have problems.”


Helping Children: What to Tell the Kids About Your Divorce• Tell the truth – but keep it simple and kid-

friendly. Remind them that children and parents do not divorce each other.

• Say “I love you” – Let the kids know that your love for them has not changed.

• Address changes – Preempt your kids’ questions about changes in their lives by acknowledging that some things will be different, and you will deal with it together.


What to Tell the Kids? Avoid Blaming

• Present a united front to the children – Try to agree in advance on an explanation for the divorce, and stick to it.

• Plan your conversation – Talk with children before changes take place. Both parents should be present, if possible.

• Show restraint – Be respective of your spouse when explaining the separation or divorce.


Helping Children Cope: Listen and Reassure• For kids, divorce is a loss – the loss of a

parent and the loss of the life they know.• Listen – Encourage your children to share

their feelings and really listen to them.• Help them find words for their feelings –

They may have difficulty expressing their feelings.


Helping Children Cope: Listen and Reassure• Let them be honest – Let them know that

whatever they say is okay.• Acknowledge their feelings


Helping Children Cope: Clearing Up Misunderstandings• Children often believe that they caused the

divorce by getting poor grades or not picking up their toys.– Set the record straight – Repeat why you decided

to divorce.– Be patient – Children may seem to “get it” one

day, but be confused the next day.– Reassure – As often as needed, remind children

that you love them, and that they are not responsible for the divorce.


Helping Children Cope: Provide Stability and Structure• Adjusting to many new changes at once

can be very confusing and difficult for children.

• Try to stick to the same routines as before the divorce.

• Create similar routines in each household.


Helping Children Cope: Nourish the Sibling Relationship• When parents divorce, siblings may begin

to interact differently. Some may become closer, while others may argue more.

• Give each sibling attention – Minimize their competition over you.

• Encourage family communication• Preserve rituals and routines


Helping Children Cope: Take Care of Yourself• Exercise often and eat a healthy diet• See friends often• Keep a journal• Never vent negative feelings to your child• Keep laughing• See a therapist• Keep the “big picture” in mind rather than

the daily hassles


Helping Children Cope: Working With Your “Ex”• Never argue in front of the children – whether

it is in person or over the phone.• Use tact – Do not discuss details of their

other parent’s behavior.• Be nice –set a good example for your

children; could encourage your “ex” to be gracious in response.

• Work on it – Make it a priority to develop an amicable relationship with your “ex.”


“I'm 16 now, but my parents got divorced when I was 11 (and my younger sister was 5). My mom had to move out, and now

sometimes my mom struggles with money. My parents can still have a normal conversation with each other, which I feel lucky for because I know a lot of people whose parents can't even look at each other without fighting. It's still weird to me, because I didn't

ever think that my parents would get divorced when I was younger. They used to fight when I wasn't home. My mom has a boyfriend now, and my dad recently got engaged to a really nice

woman. Things are changing, and it’s still hard every day. My dad always lets his fiancée sleep in, and he brings her coffee in bed. His display of love makes me happy, but sometimes I can't help

but wish it was my mom he was doing that for.”


“When I was a kid, we used to go to my grandparents’ cabin by the lake. I still remember that day. We were on the lake. And

then a big storm came in. It got really cold, so we went back to the cabin and then lit a fire. I remember thinking that it was

almost like a holiday. Everything was so perfect. I fell asleep on the couch and remember waking up and shivering the next morning. My dad was drinking whisky in the kitchen. It was so

weird because my dad never let me drink whisky before. However, that morning he poured me some. We just sat there for the longest time. And then my mom came in. They told me

that they were getting divorced. And I was like ‘What?’”


“When I was 3, my parents divorced. When I was about 10, my parents went back to court over custody of my sister (who is almost 4 years older than I am), and me. Joint

custody was the final ruling. Now, my parents are back in front of a magistrate attempting to reconfigure the cost of

child support…. This has been my life. Constant arguments, legal battles, and feeling like everyone is just

trying to manipulate me. The only bright spot is that I only have 2 years left until I am on my own, and I get to be my own boss. Right now, I don't like either of my parents and

there is no person that I feel I can trust, who actually knows what is going on.”


Conclusion: Critical Thinking Questions

• Which method of helping children cope would be most difficult for you, easiest for you, and why?

• Do you think there are any sex differences in the ways that mothers and fathers help children cope? If so, what accounts for these differences – biology, culture, the social environment?


Conclusion: Critical Thinking Questions

• Given what you have learned in the chapter about the “good divorce,” which of these methods may bring you closer to this outcome?


References

• Block, J., Kemp, G., Smith, M. and Segal, J. March 2011. “Children and Divorce: Helping Your Kids Cope with the Effects of Separation and Divorce.” Helpguide.org. Onlinehttp://www.helpguide.org/mental/children_divorce.htm


http://www.helpguide.org/mental/children_divorce.htm



References

• Experience Project. 2011. “I Have Divorced Parents: Stories of Experiences.” Online: http://www.experienceproject.com/group_stories.php?g=6448&sn=40


http://www.experienceproject.com/group_stories.php?g=6448&sn=40

http://www.experienceproject.com/group_stories.php?g=6448&sn=40

References

• Leon, K. and Cole, K. March 2004. “Helping Children Understand Divorce.” University of Missouri Extension. Online: http://extension.missouri.edu/publications/DisplayPub.aspx?P=GH6600


http://extension.missouri.edu/publications/DisplayPub.aspx?P=GH6600

http://extension.missouri.edu/publications/DisplayPub.aspx?P=GH6600

EXPLORING MARRIAGES AND FAMILY, 2 ND EDITION Karen Seccombe © 2015, 2012 by Pearson Education, Inc....

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