Excerpt from Managing Bubbie

7/25/2019 Excerpt from Managing Bubbie

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MANAGING BUBBIE

A memoir

By Russel Lazega


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Copyright 2014 Russel Lazega

All rights reserved.

ISBN: 1499126298

ISBN 13:9781499126297

Library of Congress Control Number: 2014907052

LCCN Imprint Name: City and State (If applicable)


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For Bubbie, the yentas, and

the president, who never made it to brunch

with the family.


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The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, Im from

the government, and Im here to help.

Ronald Reagan


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MANAGING BUBBIE

By: Russ Lazega

PROLOGUE

It was the last thing she said to me before I left for college. I vant you should

write these tings down, she told me. Mine storiesmine lifeI vant you

should make a book from these tings, a book to tell vhat I did to bring mine

children here to this country. I didnt pay her suggestion much mind at the

time. Who had time for books?What with entrance exams and fall fraternityrush coming up. Besides, I knew that in another week or so shed be off on

some other crusadesuing Ed McMahon or planning my wedding without

even introducing me to the bridetheres always something. Shes a page

right out of a Neil Simon play, my grandmother, a true Miami Beach Jewish

bubbie. Silver hair, tortoise-shell glasses two sizes too big, and that

unmistakable Yiddish accent, I vant you should make this book. Youll be my

storyteller, my manager. Youre a smart boy, Russel. A million dollars theyll

pay you for this book! I know from these tingsIm no dumb bubbie. I told

her, somewhat insincerely, that Id give it some thought. Youve got to

understand that once Bubbie has her mind set on something, theres no

stopping her. All my life I have miraclesA little angel on the shoulder that

keeped me alive from these tings I seen. Do you know from vat Im sayingan

angel? Again, insincerely, I told her yes. But it wasnt for another ten years

that I finally listened and understood what she meantten more years before I

finally knew from angels.


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A FAMILY AFFAIR

Summer 1987. Another holiday brunch at Moms. My dads cousin

Leon is entrenched in another of his debates with my grandmother.

Hes not a bad guy, Leonwhat you might call a characterhes loud,bald, and abrasively Russian. Right now hes playing a classical piece

on an ebony piano with sticky keys. His gift for music was his fathers

legacy. The strained melody seems to smother an odd discussion that

has turned!well, downright peculiar.

Leon: Let me get this straight, Lea, youre telling me Ronald

Reagan is your long-lost half brother?

Bubbie: Ya. I have a theory this vas the son from mine father. Dont

laugh. I have proof from these tings.She reaches into her bag, fumbling through half-eaten Belgian

chocolates and packets of Sweet and Low until finally, she pulls out

an old photograph. Its black and white. Creases run down the middle.

A date is scribbled on the back1902.

Bubbie: Look on this picture of mine father, and you tell me.

The resemblance to the archconservative is noteworthy, but hardly

cause to call the six oclock news.

Bubbie: Just look on this face.She places the photo beside a tabloid clipping of the president with his

arm around the Close Encounters alien. The headline reads, Reagan

Consults with Extra-Terrestrial Ambassador.

Bubbie: It must be. Look on the pictures. I tink this is my long-lost

brother.

Leon: What, ET or Reagan?

She remains steady in the face of a hostile brunch crowd.

Bubbie: I have proof. Look, I vas born nineteen hunderd eleven.Reagan, he was born nineteen hunderd ten, almost the

same time as me.

Leon: Yeah, you and about a million other people.

Bubbie: No listen, theres more. Mine father, he liked to chase

women. He vas charming. How do you call it?A card


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shark, a hustler. He used to make games and fighting

matches in the park. He called it show business. Vell,

anyvay, I tink he met this womanthis Mrs. Reaganin

one of these fights.

Leon: Oh for crying out loud, Lea, your father barely spoke twowords of English.

Bubbie: This doesnt matter. He vas very handsome. Believe me,

hed find a vay.

Leon: Right, it was a magical romance between a wealthy

American woman and a piss-poor Polish JewNever mind

that he couldnt speak English and lived halfway around the

world in Poland.

Bubbie: No, no, no. Mine parents were here in America. They camehere nineteen hunderd six.

Leon: Your parents immigrated to America?

Bubbie: Ya, they vent to California to look for gold.

Leon: Gold? In 1906?

Hes puzzled for a moment, and then, strangely, it makes sense.

Leon: Sure, naturally, it probably took fifty years for the news to

hit Poland.

Bubbie: Mine parents came to America nineteen hunderd six, andthen nineteen hunderd eleven they moved back to Poland.

My mother vas pregnant mit me vhen they left here. So,

mine sister vas born here a citizen, but I vas born in

Poland.

Leon: Sure, why stay in Americathe land of opportunitywhen

you can live with the anti-Semites in Poland? Who wouldnt

miss the lootings, the burnings, the cossacks, the

pogroms!

Bubbie: Ach, vat can I tell you, when they finally got here mine

father didnt like it. He said it vas because he didnt find any

gold and because Jewish show business vasnt good here.

But I tink it vas because he made this Irish girl pregnant,

and they chased him out from the city.


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My green-haired teenage sister enters the room.

Leon: Hey, Betsy, guess what, the president is your long-lost

great uncle.

Betsy: Cool.

Shes not impressed with her newfound political roots.Leon: Hey Lea, hows this? I say we take the whole family on a

trip to Washington to break the news to Reagan that hes

Jewish. His wife will love it. Well bring an orthodox rabbi

with a black hat and a beard to make a conversion. Ill even

book Sife the knife to do the circumcision.

Bubbie: I know, I know, it sounds crazy, but vat can I tell you? My

lifeoy!my life is full of crazy stories.

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