Evaluating & ManagingEvaluating & ManagingConflictsConflicts

Conflict Response ModesConflict Response Modes

Competing

Collaborating

Assert- iveness

Compromising

Avoiding Accommodating Cooperativeness

Conflict Styles ExerciseConflict Styles ExerciseQuickly review Instrument 1Quickly review Instrument 1

Go to one of the 5 locations, according to your Go to one of the 5 locations, according to your highest score:highest score:– Competing: left frontCompeting: left front

– Accommodating: right backAccommodating: right back

– Avoiding: left backAvoiding: left back

– Compromising: middleCompromising: middle

– Collaborating: right frontCollaborating: right front

Do round with your namesDo round with your names

Discuss in group some of following questions…Discuss in group some of following questions…

Questions for GroupsQuestions for Groups

Some advantages of this conflict styleSome advantages of this conflict style

Some disadvantages of this conflict styleSome disadvantages of this conflict style

How are your advantages unfavorable for How are your advantages unfavorable for others?others?

Situations in which this is a good styleSituations in which this is a good style

Situations in which this style probably Situations in which this style probably shouldn’t be usedshouldn’t be used

Conflict Response ModesConflict Response Modes

Competing

Collaborating

Assert- iveness

Compromising

Avoiding Accommodating Cooperativeness

Three Basic OptionsThree Basic Options

Try to change the other personTry to change the other person

Try to alter the conditionsTry to alter the conditions

Change your own communications, Change your own communications,

perceptions, conceptualizations, reactions, perceptions, conceptualizations, reactions,

behaviorsbehaviors

ConflictsConflicts

““Most of us are notoriously inaccurate at Most of us are notoriously inaccurate at describing our own behavior in a conflict”describing our own behavior in a conflict”

We also misunderstand others and We also misunderstand others and inaccurately attribute intentions to theminaccurately attribute intentions to them

Often, self-fulfilling prophecies are enacted Often, self-fulfilling prophecies are enacted in a spiral (we provoke the very behavior in a spiral (we provoke the very behavior we accuse the other of perpetuating, then we accuse the other of perpetuating, then we each make ourselves out to be the we each make ourselves out to be the victim)victim)

Assessing ConflictsAssessing Conflicts

Use same conflict situation in which you Use same conflict situation in which you looked at goals (or different one)looked at goals (or different one)

Use conflict episode model to diagnose and Use conflict episode model to diagnose and understand what is happeningunderstand what is happening

Use conflict episode model to identify Use conflict episode model to identify possible opportunities for intervention, possible opportunities for intervention, especially at the conceptualization stageespecially at the conceptualization stage

Conflict Episode ModelConflict Episode Model

States ofIndividuals

+ Stimulus

FrustrationsConceptualizations

BehaviorsOutcomes

System ConsiderationsSystem Considerations

Conflict serves the system in some ways – Conflict serves the system in some ways –

although not equally for all membersalthough not equally for all members

Usually rules are tacit and undiscussibleUsually rules are tacit and undiscussible

Understanding the system can help Understanding the system can help

identify ways to intervene and manage the identify ways to intervene and manage the

conflictconflict

Using Systems TheoryUsing Systems Theory

Assess the workings of the overall system Assess the workings of the overall system (everyone connected to the conflict)(everyone connected to the conflict)

Determine recurring patterns associated Determine recurring patterns associated with conflictwith conflict

Identify individual contributions to the Identify individual contributions to the system and patternssystem and patterns

Some Systems Principles Some Systems Principles 219-222219-222

1.1. Conflict occurs in chain reactions (don’t Conflict occurs in chain reactions (don’t look for villains or blame)look for villains or blame)

2.2. Each member gets labeled or type-cast Each member gets labeled or type-cast in a rolein a role

3.3. Takes more than one to keep a conflict Takes more than one to keep a conflict goinggoing

4.4. Coalitions & triangles often formCoalitions & triangles often form

5.5. Systems develop rules for conflict that Systems develop rules for conflict that

are followed even if they work poorly. are followed even if they work poorly.

Usually, there is a rule against knowing Usually, there is a rule against knowing

or stating the rules directlyor stating the rules directly

6.6. The conflict serves the system in The conflict serves the system in

some way some way (even if poorly)(even if poorly)

To Deduce System RulesTo Deduce System Rules

Need to deal with specific events, e.g., Need to deal with specific events, e.g., “microevents” (p.256)“microevents” (p.256)

Observe verbatim words and actual Observe verbatim words and actual actionsactions

Describe behavior accurately, separate Describe behavior accurately, separate from inferences and attributionsfrom inferences and attributions

InquireInquire

Look for patternsLook for patterns

System Rules (cont.)System Rules (cont.)

It helps to identify & list the rules explicitlyIt helps to identify & list the rules explicitly

State them as prescriptions for behavior, State them as prescriptions for behavior, e.g., “When in context X, Y must (or must e.g., “When in context X, Y must (or must not) occur.”not) occur.”

Good ways to elicit system rules on p.235Good ways to elicit system rules on p.235

Then discuss how the rules help or harm Then discuss how the rules help or harm conflict management, and consider conflict management, and consider changing some of the ruleschanging some of the rules

Your Live Case – cont.Your Live Case – cont.

Identify tacit system rules and payoffs in Identify tacit system rules and payoffs in your conflict case (make use of some of the your conflict case (make use of some of the questions in Application 7.1, p.222 & questions in Application 7.1, p.222 & suggestions on p.235)suggestions on p.235)

Write individuallyWrite individually

Share in group and inquire to obtain Share in group and inquire to obtain additional insights and ideasadditional insights and ideas

MetaphorsMetaphors

Creating a metaphor or drawing a picture Creating a metaphor or drawing a picture that represents a conflict provides a that represents a conflict provides a different form of datadifferent form of data

– WholeWhole

– VisualVisual

– NonverbalNonverbal

– SymbolicSymbolic

Metaphor ExerciseMetaphor Exercise1.1. Use your ongoing conflict case (or another one in which Use your ongoing conflict case (or another one in which

you are a participant)you are a participant)

2.2. Generate a metaphor for this conflict (write Generate a metaphor for this conflict (write individually): “We are a….”individually): “We are a….”

3.3. One person shares her/his metaphor with the group, One person shares her/his metaphor with the group, which asks clarifying questions, using the images in the which asks clarifying questions, using the images in the metaphormetaphor

4.4. Group brainstorms about ways to resolve the conflict, Group brainstorms about ways to resolve the conflict, still using the imaginary modestill using the imaginary mode

5.5. Group translates these imaginary resolutions into Group translates these imaginary resolutions into practical steps for conflict managementpractical steps for conflict management

More Ways to Assess ConflictsMore Ways to Assess Conflicts

Briefly review the text sections on triangles Briefly review the text sections on triangles

and coalitions (p.226-233)and coalitions (p.226-233)

Individually, analyze your conflict situation Individually, analyze your conflict situation

for possible triangles and coalitionsfor possible triangles and coalitions

Triangles & Coalitions Cause ProblemsTriangles & Coalitions Cause Problems

Block direct, constructive communication Block direct, constructive communication between individuals who should have thisbetween individuals who should have this

Produce toxic relationships and poor Produce toxic relationships and poor communicationcommunication

Escalate conflictEscalate conflict

Cause important issues to be unresolvedCause important issues to be unresolved

Are self-justifying & self-reinforcingAre self-justifying & self-reinforcing

Summary of Tools to Assess ConflictsSummary of Tools to Assess Conflicts

Conflict episode modelConflict episode model

Conflict response modesConflict response modes

System patterns and rulesSystem patterns and rules

MetaphorsMetaphors

Analysis of triangles and coalitionsAnalysis of triangles and coalitions

Conflict CaseConflict Case

Individually, analyze and make notes, Individually, analyze and make notes, using some of the tools you haven’t used using some of the tools you haven’t used alreadyalready

(Possibly) discuss in group(Possibly) discuss in group

Short debriefing in total classShort debriefing in total class

Emotions in ConflictEmotions in Conflict

Feelings are much like waves, we can't stop them from coming, but we can choose which one to surf.

When reason ends, then anger begins. Therefore, anger is a sign of weakness. - Dalai Lama

Anyone can become angry. That is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way... that is not easy. - Aristotle

Happiness is good health and a bad memory - Ingrid Bergman

Laughter is the shortest distance between two people. - Victor Borge

People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be. - Abraham Lincoln

Feelings are facts …not right or Feelings are facts …not right or wrong …wrong …

What you do with those feelings is a What you do with those feelings is a key element in managing conflict key element in managing conflict

(p.194)(p.194)

Reverse Usual SequenceReverse Usual Sequence

Usually: Perceived threat -> Fear -> AngerUsually: Perceived threat -> Fear -> Anger

We feel angry, often without understanding the We feel angry, often without understanding the cause (frequently, without recognizing the fear)cause (frequently, without recognizing the fear)

In groups, one person shares a recent incident in In groups, one person shares a recent incident in which he/she got angrywhich he/she got angry

Together, analyze what was the fear, hurt, or felt Together, analyze what was the fear, hurt, or felt vulnerabilityvulnerability

Then, try to recall the originating communication verbatim (at bottom of the ladder of inference)

Repeat, with another person providing the example

Managing Anger and its Expression

Manage fear-anger cycleManage fear-anger cycle

Use your best communication skills, Use your best communication skills, including “I-messages”including “I-messages”

Receive anger effectivelyReceive anger effectively

Remember, Remember, we do not have to act the we do not have to act the way we feelway we feel

The midrange zone of The midrange zone of potentially effective conflict potentially effective conflict

managementmanagement

Neither extreme works well:Neither extreme works well:

– Suppressed, ineffectively avoided Suppressed, ineffectively avoided conflictconflict

– Unrestrained, escalating conflictUnrestrained, escalating conflict

Moderating & Managing ConflictsModerating & Managing Conflicts

Three Basic OptionsThree Basic Options

Try to change the other personTry to change the other person

Try to alter the conditionsTry to alter the conditions

Change your own communications, Change your own communications,

perceptions, conceptualizations, reactions, perceptions, conceptualizations, reactions,

behaviorsbehaviors

Self-change has prerequisites

1.1. I have to care about the relationshipI have to care about the relationship

2.2. I am willing to accept that my own choices I am willing to accept that my own choices are influencing the conflict process (even if I are influencing the conflict process (even if I can’t yet identify the effects)can’t yet identify the effects)

3.3. I am willing to give up whatever I am I am willing to give up whatever I am currently gaining from the conflict (even if I currently gaining from the conflict (even if I haven’t yet analyzed this)haven’t yet analyzed this)

4.4. I choose not to avoidI choose not to avoid

5.5. I don’t wait for the other to change firstI don’t wait for the other to change first

Some Helps in Managing ConflictsSome Helps in Managing Conflicts

Evaluate situation well (previous 3 topics):Evaluate situation well (previous 3 topics):

– Use episode model to diagnose situationUse episode model to diagnose situation

– Use episode model to ID opportunities for actionUse episode model to ID opportunities for action

– Identify tacit system rules & payoffsIdentify tacit system rules & payoffs

Apply excellent communication skills throughoutApply excellent communication skills throughout

Improve personal centeringImprove personal centering

Manage conflict interaction dynamicsManage conflict interaction dynamics

Manage Conflict Interaction Manage Conflict Interaction DynamicsDynamics

Engage in the mid-range between avoidance and Engage in the mid-range between avoidance and unrestrained conflictunrestrained conflict

Deal with fear-anger cycleDeal with fear-anger cycle

Manage escalation and de-escalation of conflictManage escalation and de-escalation of conflict

Break conflict into manageable fractionsBreak conflict into manageable fractions

Balance powerBalance power

Reframe (including from complaints to requests)Reframe (including from complaints to requests)

Managing Anger and its Expression(repeat)

Manage fear-anger cycleManage fear-anger cycle

Use your best communication skills, Use your best communication skills, including “I-messages”including “I-messages”

Receive anger effectivelyReceive anger effectively

Remember, Remember, we do not have to act the we do not have to act the way we feelway we feel

Symptoms of EscalationSymptoms of Escalation(repeat)(repeat)

CompetitionCompetition

RighteousnessRighteousness

Not listeningNot listening

Spreading to new issues and situationsSpreading to new issues and situations

Dealing in personalitiesDealing in personalities

Violating social normsViolating social norms

Intentional hurtIntentional hurt

Insults and threatsInsults and threats

De-EscalatingDe-Escalating(repeat)(repeat)

Breaking into manageable portionsBreaking into manageable portions

Listening, trying to understandListening, trying to understand

Showing concern for others’ feelingsShowing concern for others’ feelings

Appealing/suggesting de-escalationAppealing/suggesting de-escalation

Goodwill gestures, concessionsGoodwill gestures, concessions

Expressing feelingsExpressing feelings

Finding integrative alternativesFinding integrative alternatives

““Recognizing” the other human beingRecognizing” the other human being

Prevent Destructive EscalationPrevent Destructive Escalation

Use previous materialsUse previous materials

Set and keep ground rules for interactionsSet and keep ground rules for interactions

Limit issues, not expand themLimit issues, not expand them

Look for ways to reframe the other’s Look for ways to reframe the other’s behavior in positive waysbehavior in positive ways

Talk about the process and spiralTalk about the process and spiral

Power InbalancePower Inbalance

Badly unbalanced power can lead to:Badly unbalanced power can lead to:

– AbuseAbuse

– Passive-aggressive behaviorPassive-aggressive behavior

– WithdrawalWithdrawal

– Destructive spiralDestructive spiral

– Unstable agreementsUnstable agreements

Power InbalancePower Inbalance

Often, both parties feel low powerOften, both parties feel low power

Then, continually make moves to increase Then, continually make moves to increase their power at the other’s expensetheir power at the other’s expense

Constructive realignment of power is often Constructive realignment of power is often helpful, even necessaryhelpful, even necessary

Power Balancing ApproachesPower Balancing Approaches

By higher-power parties:By higher-power parties:– RestraintRestraint– Enhancing power of othersEnhancing power of others

By lower-power parties:By lower-power parties:– Focus on interdependenceFocus on interdependence– Assertiveness, calm persistenceAssertiveness, calm persistence– Stay actively engagedStay actively engaged

By both: talk about the processBy both: talk about the process

Make use of reframingMake use of reframing- including bridge frames- including bridge frames

- and moving from complaints to - and moving from complaints to requestsrequests

Additional Things to HelpAdditional Things to Help

Identify and focus on causesIdentify and focus on causes

Deal with avoidance (yours and of others) Deal with avoidance (yours and of others)

Use dance metaphorUse dance metaphor

(Throughout) improve your interpersonal (Throughout) improve your interpersonal skills and reactions to conflictskills and reactions to conflict

Identify & Deal with CausesIdentify & Deal with Causes

Rescue crew fableRescue crew fable

Need to find out what is causing the Need to find out what is causing the

problemsproblems

Put energy into preventing further Put energy into preventing further

problemsproblems

Deal With AvoidanceDeal With Avoidance

Create safety, ease, comfortCreate safety, ease, comfort

Frame discussion as relationship-buildingFrame discussion as relationship-building

Vary mode of communicationVary mode of communication

Take breaksTake breaks

Initiate discussionsInitiate discussions

Ask for help when neededAsk for help when needed

Dance MetaphorDance Metaphor

Can vary closenessCan vary closeness

Need to get close enough to engageNeed to get close enough to engage

But not too close, too quicklyBut not too close, too quickly

Go toward smaller, rather than larger Go toward smaller, rather than larger

scope (for romantic ending)scope (for romantic ending)

Conflict management focuses on Conflict management focuses on

preventing and reducing the preventing and reducing the negative or negative or

destructivedestructive aspects of conflict, while aspects of conflict, while

preserving and enhancing the preserving and enhancing the positivepositive

aspects.aspects.

Let’s Process Recent SessionsLet’s Process Recent Sessions

What was useful about the class materials What was useful about the class materials and process – and should be done in the and process – and should be done in the future?future?

What could be improved in the future?What could be improved in the future?