Esther M. Friesner - Chicks 05 - Turn the Other Chick

7/28/2019 Esther M. Friesner - Chicks 05 - Turn the Other Chick

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T ur n T he O th er C hi ck

E di te d b y E st he r M . F ri es ne r

T hi s i s a w or k o f f ic ti on . A ll t he c ha ra ct er s a nd e ve nt s p or tr ay ed i n t hi s b oo k a re f ic ti on al , a nd a ny

r es em bl ance t o r ea l peopl e or i nc idents i s pur el y c oi nc identa l.

C op yr ig ht 2 00 4 b y E st he r M . F ri es ne r a nd T ek no B oo ks ; a ll m at er ia ls o ri gi na l t o t hi s v ol um e

c opyr ight 2004 by t he a ut hors i ndividua ll y.

A ll r ig ht s r es er ve d, i nc lu di ng t he r ig ht t o r ep ro du ce t hi s b oo k o r p or ti on s t he re of i n a ny f or m.

A B ae n B ooks O ri gi na l

Baen Publishing Enterprises

P .O . B ox 1 40 3

R i ve r da l e, N Y 10471

www.baen.com

ISBN: 0-7434-8857-1

C ov er a rt b y M it ch F au st

First printing, November 2004

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Tu rn t he o th er c hi ck / e di te d b y E st he r M . Fr ie sn er .

p. cm.

"A Baen Books original"T.p. verso.

I S B N 0- 7434- 8857- 1

1. W om en s ol di er s Fi ct ion. 2. A dventur e s tori es , A me ri ca n. 3. F anta sy f ic t ion,

A me ri ca n. 4 . W ar s to ri es , A me ri ca n. I . F ri es ne r, E st he r M .

P S 64 8 .W 6 T8 7 2 0 04

813'.0876608358dc22


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2004015088

D is tr ibut ed by S im on & S chus te r

1 23 0 A ve nu e o f t he A me ri ca s

New York, NY 10020

P roduc t ion by W indha ve n P re ss , A uburn, N HP ri nt ed i n t he U ni te d S ta te s o f A me ri ca

Dedication

T hi s book i s r e spec tf ull y de di ca te d t o

T an ya a nd G ra nt V an D er P lo eg

Artists and Artisans

B AE N B OO KS b y E st he r M . F ri es ne r

Editor, Chicks in Chainmail Series

Chicks in Chainmail

D id Y ou S ay C hi ck s? !

C hi c ks a nd C ha i ne d M al e s

The Chick i s in the Ma il

T ur n t he O th er C hi ck

E.Godz(with Robert Asprin)

Introduction

W el come t o t he f if thChic ks i n C ha inma il anthol ogy. A ll ow m e t o off er you a c om fort able c ha ir , a bow l of

popcorn, some corn chips and salsa, perhaps a few carrot sticks, and the healthful beverage of your

c ho ic e b ef or e p la ci ng t hi s b oo k i n y ou r l ap . N o, i t' s n ot Tu rn t he O th er C hi ck ;n ot y et . I t' s a f am il y a lb um .

" Wh os e f am il y? " y ou a sk . ( Or p er ha ps y ou a sk " Wh at 's t hi s b us hw ah a bo ut a ' he al th fu l b ev er ag e' ?

G im me a c ho co la te i ce c re am s od a, s tr ai gh t u p, b ef or e I g et na st y. " I n w hi ch c as e, s ha me o n y ou .)

M aybe i t' s yours . I t' s def init el y m ine. T he m em be rs t he re of a re a s ma ll s el ec ti on of f ic ti ti ous her oi ne s w ho

a re n' t r ep re se nte d i n t hi s b oo k b ut wh o h av e h ad a wh ol e l ot o f i mp ac t o n c ha ng in g h ow p eo pl e t hi nk a bo ut w om en . T he y' ve p ut d ow n t he o rd er p ad , t he b ak e s al e b ro wn ie s, a nd t he Wh y Hi s Pr ob le ms Ar e

Alway s Yo ur Fa ul tb oo k a nd p ic ke d u p t he s wo rd i ns te ad . I 'd s ay t he y d es er ve a t l ea st a p as si ng n od , a

s mi le , a nd e ve n a f ew w or ds o f t ha nk s f or a ll t ha t t he y' ve d on e f or u s. ( I wo ul dn 't s ug ge st a p at o n t he

back, though. These chicks have got ratherenthusiasticreflexes, they don't like surprises, and they're

probably toting something sharp.)

T he re 's t he w om an her se lf , X ena, W ar ri or P ri nc es s. S he 's gone now , a s i s her f ai thful s idekic k G abri el le

w ho b ec am e a w om an w ar ri or i n h er o wn r ig ht b ef or e t he ir s to ry e nd ed .

Ah , a nd Eo wy n a nd Ar we n fr om th e mo vie v ers ion s o fTh e Lo rd o f t he Ri ng s! N ot 1 00 % t ru e t o t he

book, but that's the nature of the cinematic critter. The purist in me might sulk, but my Inner Child is

brandishing an elven blade and whooping "Arwen finally gets to do something besides wait around for

A ra gor n t o s how up!Y e s! "


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C he ck o ut P ri nc es L ei a, w ho p ro ve d t o a d ou bt in g w or ld t ha t j us t b ec au se y ou s en d o ut a w id eb an d

D am se l i n D is tr es s c al l y ou c an s ti ll k ic k p le nt y o f D ar k S id e b ut t w he n t he o pp or tu ni ty p re se nt s i ts el f.

A nd c an t hi s b e l it tl e B uf fy S um me rs ? M y, h ow s he 's g ro wn . Y es , y ou ca nf ig ht e vi l a nd s ti ll h ol d d own a

job in the exciting and high-paying fast food industry!

I a po lo gi ze t o t ho se o f m y f el lo w J .K . R ow li ng f an s w ho a re a sk in g w hy H er mi on e G ra ng er i sn 't h er e.

S he 's c er ta in ly a f ig ht er , j us t n ot t he k in d t ha t u se s a s wo rd .

O h, v er y w el l, l et 's i nc lu de h er . I s up po se y ou c ou ld a rg ue t ha t n ot e ve ry w om an w ar ri or f ig ht s h er

battles with a sword, and that a wand is close kin to Buffy's favorite vampire-slaying stake, Mr. Pointy. I

c an 't s ay n o t o H er mi on e. R ea ll y. Ic an 't . S he s la pp ed t hi sL et M e I n Or E ls es pe ll o n me a nd I h ad n o

choice.

I ro ni c, t ha t. F re ed om i s a ll a bo ut h av in g o pt io ns a nd u nt il f ai rl y r ec en tl y, b ei ng a w om an w as n ot . W e

w er e f or ever hea ri ng " But you'r e a girl, s o you c a n' t :

" 1. v ot e.

"2 . l ive o n yo ur own .

"3. manage money.

"4 . b e p ai d t he sa me as a man who 's do in g t he sa me jo b.

" 5. d ef en d y ou r c ou nt ry o r e ve n y ou rs el f.

" 6. c ompe te i n prof es s iona l s por ts .

" 7. s a ve F ra nce ."

W om en w ar ri or s al l o f u s, n ot j us t t he o ne s w ho l oo k s li ck i n v id eo s ta nd r ea dy t o d ef en d o ur

h ar d- wo n f re ed om s, o ur o pt io ns , a nd t o s tr iv e f or f ur th er t ri um ph s o n t he b at tl ef ie ld , b ig o r s ma ll . O ur

battle cry, a thunderous "Sez you!" is often underscored by a resounding Bronx cheer in the direction of

anyone who tells us "Youcan't'cause you're agirl."

A mo ng th es e f re ed oms is t he c ho ic e o f k ee pi ng a s en se o f h umo r o n y ou r p er so n a t a ll t ime s. Ono cc as io n w e d on 't h ea r " Yo u c an 't d o t ha t ' ca us e y ou 'r e a girl!" b ut t he e qu al ly s na rk y " Yo u c an 't d o t ha t

'cause you're aFeminist!"

O h y es I c an . ( Se e a bo ve :F re ed om . A ls o: Se z y ou .)

You'll notice that the women I've mentioned all hail from movies and television, though some originally

s aw t he l ig ht o f d ay i n b oo ks a nd s ome h av e c ome t o h av e s pi n- of f b oo ks wr it te n a bo ut th em. Th ei r

s is te rs w ho e xi st i n p ri nt a lo ne a re e ve n m or e n um er ou s, b ut t he R ec ei ve d W is do m o f t he m od er n w or ld

i s t ha t e ye c an dy r ea ch es m or e p eo pl e ( an d t hu s h as m or e s oc ie ta l i mp ac t) t ha n b ra in f oo d. I 'm n ot g oi ng

t o d eb at e t he t ru th o r e rr or o f t ha t, t ho ug h I 'd b e t he A ma zi ng O st ri ch wo ma n i f I d en ie d t he

wide-reaching influence of TV and movies.

A s l ong a s t he a fore me nt ione d i nf luence c onti nues t o pre se nt us w it h pow er ful, i ndepende nt w om en w ho


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k no w h ow t o f ig ht i n d ef en se o f t he ms el ve s a nd o th er s, I 'm n ot a bo ut t o c om pl ai n. T he m or e p eo pl e w ho

getthatmessage, the merrier.

" Th at is al l v er y we ll a nd g oo d," I he ar y ou s ay , " bu t t ha t is a ls o t he p as t. Xe na a nd Bu ffy h av e go ne t o

Sy nd ic at io n H ea ve n. Wh o' s g oi ng t o r ep la ce t he m? Or a re we g oi ng t o g o b ac k t o t he d ay s wh en t he

m os t i mpor ta nt bat tl e e ve r f ought by w om en i n f ic ti on w as B et ty ver sus V er onic a t o s et tl e t ha t bur ni ng,

earth-shattering question,Who will Archie take to the prom?"

I w is h I h ad a n a ns we r h an dy . Th er e a re p le nt y o f p eo pl e wh o w ou ld b e a ll t oo h ap py t o r et ur n w om en

t o bei ng obj ec ts of R es cue, O rnam ent, a nd E nf or ce d C he er ful D om es ti ci ty. T hi s w ould be bad e nough, i f

t he y l im it ed t he se d es ir es t o w om en 's r ol es i n b oo ks , m ov ie s, a nd T V. I t' s a s ad t ru th t ha t m an y o f o ur

f el lo w h um an b ei ng s c an 't f ee l t al l u nl es s t he y' re s ta nd in g o n s om eo ne e ls e' s f ac e. F or s om e f ol ks a m ad

d as h b ac k i nt o t he D ar k A ge s ( "W he n U nd er li ng s K ne w T he ir P ro pe r P la ce !" ) l oo ks l ik e p ro gr es s

s im pl y bec ause i t' s m ot ion a t high s pe ed.

Are we go ing to s ee more st ron g her oin es app ear o n the b ig an d littl e s cre ens, or ar e we go ing t o get a

pat on the head and the jovial reassurance that everything will be taken care of for us, go have a manicurea nd l et t he n ic e me di a mo gu ls h an dl e i t?

Um, h ow man y fe ma le me di a mog ul s a re t her e, b y t he wa y? An d ho w ma ny o f th em th ink o f t he r est o f

u s a s m or e t ha n j us t a M ar ke ti ng D em og ra ph ic ?

I t' s t ir in g, s wi ng in g a s wo rd a ll d ay , a nd i t' s h el l o n t ha t d ar li ng ma ni cu re , b ut i t b ea ts h av in g t o f ig ht t he

s am e b at tl es a ll o ve r a ga in b ec au se y ou a ss um ed s om eo ne e ls e w ou ld g ua rd y ou r f re ed om f or y ou . I f y ou

h av en 't g ot a s wo rd h an dy , y ou c an a lw ay s w ie ld y ou r w al le t.

Y ou c an a ls o c ho os e n ot t o wo rr y y ou r p re tt y l it tl e h ea d a bo ut i t. ( No te : Th is i s s ti ll y ou r c ho ic e, n ot a

c ons t ra int . F or now. )

A nd w hi le w e' re t al ki ng a bo ut c ho ic es , h er e' s h op in g a ll o f u s w il l f or ev er b e f re e t o c ho os e l au gh te r.

B uf fy w ou ld h av e w an te d i t t ha t w ay .

* * *

Y ou 'l l n ot ic e t ha t t he d ed ic at io n o f t he b oo k i s f or T an ya a nd G ra nt V an D er P lo eg . " Wh y? " y ou m ay

a sk . ( Un le ss y ou a re s ti ll d em an di ng t o k no w w he n t he h ec k y ou 'r e g oi ng t o g et y ou r c ho co la te i ce c re am

s o da . S to p t ha t .)

Go tohttp://www.dolls-n-daggers.comand you'll understand. Heh.

M ight ie r T ha n t he S word

J ohn G . H em ry

S uz anne e nt er ed t he t em pl e hes it antl y, her f oots te ps s ounding s ma ll i n t he gre at s tr uc ture w hose m ar bl e

pillars reached toward a ceiling emblazoned with pictures dark and bright. Before her, torches flared

a ro un d t he g re at s ta tu e o f I ns pi ra ti on , G od de ss o f W ri te rs . T o e it he r s id e o f t he g od de ss , l es se r i do ls i n
http://www.dolls-n-daggers.com/


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I nspi ra t ion's pa nt heon w er e r a nked be hi nd t he i r a l ta rs . T he r e s tood proud C ont ra c t ne xt t o f ac e le s s

W ri te r' s B lock, w hi le S lush w as a lm os t i nvis ible behind t he pil e of off er ings on his a lt ar . N ot f ar a wa y,

s ev er al p et it io ne rs w er e d ow n o n t he ir k ne es b ef or e t he g ri m v is ag e o f D ea dl in e, p ra yi ng f or t he e xt ra

t im e onl y s he c ould gra nt .

S uz anne r ende re d honor s t o I ns pi ra ti on, t he n t ur ne d t ow ar d t he c ubic le s l ining t he s ides of t he t em pl e

a nd a pp ro ac he d t he t in y c el ls w he re t he Ed it or s w or ke d. O ne g la nc ed u p a s S uz an ne r ea ch ed h er d es k." Do you have a n off er ing? "

" Ye s. " S uz anne kne lt a nd proff er ed her m anus cr ipt, c ar ef ul ly s et tl ing i t i nt o t he E di tor' s off er ing t ra y.

" Ma y I b eg a n a ud ie nc e? "

" An a udie nc e? " T he E di tor f rowned, t he n s hr ugge d. " You m ay s pe ak."

" Oh, E di tor, w hy have m y pre vi ous off er ings bee n r ej ec te d? "

" I' m a fr ai d t he M ys te ri es of E di ti ng a re not f or t he uni ni ti at ed."

" Bu t, p le as e, g ra nt m e a t l ea st a h in t! "

T he E di tor s ighe d hea vi ly. " Ve ry w el l. Y ou c an s ca rc el y go w rong i f you f ol low your M us e. "

"My Muse?"

" Ye s. Y ou d o h av e a M us e, d on 't y ou ?"

" Um mm ." S uz anne l ooke d a round. " Woul d I know i f I did?"

" Mo st a ss ur ed ly . I 'm a fr ai d i f y ou l ac k a M us e "

T he E di to r w as i nt er ru pt ed b y a s we et v oi ce c om in g f ro m a bo ve a nd j us t t o t he r ig ht o f S uz an ne . " Sh e

l ac ks one no l onge r. "

" Yo u? " T he E di to r h el d u p h er h an ds , p al ms o ut . " Oh , n o. N ot C al li op e. "

" Wh at ?" S uz an ne l oo ke d t ow ar d t he v oi ce a nd s aw f lo at in g t he re t he a lm os t t ra ns pa re nt f ig ur e o f a

wo ma n p er ha ps t wo f ee t h ig h. "A M us e? I h av e a Mu se ?"

"Wait!" the Editor cautioned. "That's Calliope!"

" Is t ha t b ad ?"

C al li op e a ns we re d. " Th e E di to r c an no t s ay , c an y ou ? F or E di to rs c an no t r ej ec t a w ri te r' s M us e. Y ou

s ee , d ea r w ri te r, I h av e a lr ea dy r ev ea le d o ne o f t he M ys te ri es o f E di ti ng t o y ou ."

T he E di to r g la re d a t C al li op e. " Yo u m ig ht m en ti on t o h er t ha t E di to rs c an 't r ej ec t t he M us e b ut w e c an

a lw ays r ej ec t t he m anusc ri pt s t ha t M us e hel ps c re at e! "

" Oh, pos h. " T he dim unit ive f igur e began dri ft ing t ow ar d t he e xi t f rom t he t em pl e. " Come a long, m y

writer."


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S uz anne f ol lowe d has ti ly, c at ching up j us t a s t he M us e f loat ed out of t he t em pl e. I n dayli ght, her f igur e

r em ai ne d f ai nt but c le ar ly vis ible . " I didn' t know M us es c ould be s ee n. "

" On ly b y o ur w ri te rs , a nd E di to rs o f c ou rs e. N ow , l et 's h av e a l oo k a t y ou r l at es t o ff er in g. " S om eh ow ,

C al li ope had r et ri eved S uz anne 's m anus cr ipt f rom t he off er ing t ra y. S he qui ckly f li pped t hr ough i t, t he n

f ro wn ed d ow n a t S uz an ne . " Oh , d ea r. "

" I w as t ry in g t o "

"My de ar . . . wha t's y ou r name ?"

"Suzanne. Suzanne of"

" Su za nn e' s f in e. " C al li op e d ri ft ed d ow n t o e ye l ev el w it h S uz an ne . " If y ou h av e t o e xp la in t o t he r ea de r

wh at y ou 'r e t ry in g t o d o, y ou h av en 't d on e i t. Th at 's l es so n o ne . Le ss on t wo i s t ha t i t r ea ll y h el ps t o wr it e

something interesting."

Su za nn e r ub be d h er f or eh ea d. " We ll , I t ry t o wr it e a bo ut wh at I k no w, y ou s ee ."

"Haven't you ever done anything interesting?" Calliope paused in anticipation of Suzanne's answer, then

hung her hea d t he at ri ca ll y. " You have t o s ee k I ns pi ra ti on i n your e xper ie nc es ."

"But, if I imagine"

" Wh o' s t he M us e h er e? "

" You a re ." S uz anne bit her l ip a nd l ooke d a round. " I don't s ee a nything i nt er es ti ng."

" Yo u h av e t o s ee k i t! C om e a lo ng ." C al li op e f lo at ed o ff d ow n t he s tr ee t, p as si ng t hr ou gh o bs ta cl es

w it hout hindr ance , w hi le S uz anne s tr uggl ed t hr ough t he c rowd t o c at ch up. W he n s he f inal ly did, S uz anne

s aw C al li ope a dm ir ing a n a rm or er 's s hop dis pl ay. " This i s j us t t he pla ce ."

S uz an ne p ee re d a t t he a rm or a nd w ea po ns . " Fo r w ha t? "

" If you'r e goi ng t o go a dventuri ng, you nee d t o be out fi tt ed prope rl y. " C al li ope' s s ha pe dri ft ed i ns ide t he

shop.

" Adve nt ur ing? W ha t? W ai t! " S uz anne r us he d t hr ough t he door, f indi ng her se lf t he obj ec t of t he a tt enti onof s ever al r ough-l ooki ng m en. " Excuse m e. " S he s li d s idew ays unt il s he r ea ched s om e s he lves nea r

C al li ope. " What a re you l ooki ng a t? "

" Ar mo r. L oo k a t t hi s o ne !" C al li op e p oi nt ed t o a g le am in g m ai l s hi rt w it h m es h s o f in e i t f lo we d l ik e

water.

S uz an ne c he ck ed t he p ri ce a nd y el pe d, d ra wi ng m or e g la nc es f ro m t he m en i n t he s to re . " I c an 't a ff or d

that."

"Whatcanyou afford?"

S uz an ne s ca nn ed t he s he lv es . " Th at ." S he l if te d a s to ut l ea th er s hi rt , s ta in ed a nd s co re d w it h d am ag e, a

s he et o f s ca rr ed m et al t ac ke d t o t he u pp er c he st . " I w on de r w hy i t' s s o c he ap ." I n t he c en te r o f t he


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l ar ge st s ta in , h er f in ge rs f ou nd a t hi n h ol e a bo ut t wo i nc he s i n h ei gh t i n t he a rm or . " Oh ."

"It'll do," Calliope announced. "A writer's real armor is her imagination."

" Do es t ha t s to p s wo rd s? "

" No w t ha t y ou m en ti on i t, y ou a ls o n ee d a s wo rd ."

" Wa it !" S uz an ne o nc e m or e f ol lo we d C al li op e, t o w he re t he M us e h ov er ed n ea r a b ar re l o f r us ty

w ea po ns . " Th es e d on 't l oo k a ll t ha t g oo d. "

" Th e p ri ce i s r ig ht . T ry t ha t o ne w it h t he n ic ks i n t he g ua rd ."

S uz an ne h ef te d t he b la de d ou bt fu ll y, t he n s mi le d a s i t s ee me d t o f it h er se lf t o h er h an d. " It i s n ic e! I t hi nk

its name is Guardian."

" Guar di an? G ood. Y ou'l l nee d one of t hos e. "

"I thought you"

" I' m a M us e, n ot a G ua rd ia n. " C al li op e w ai te d wi th e ve ry s ig n o f i mp at ie nc e w hi le S uz an ne p ai d f or h er

purchases, then drifted back out onto the street as Suzanne awkwardly carried her new armament in the

M us e' s w ak e. " No w, y ou 'v e a p en ?"

"I always"

" Good. W ri te s om et hi ng on your a rm or ."

S uz an ne f ro wn ed d ow n a t t he b at te re d l ea th er a nd m et al . " It 's n ot t he b es t w ri ti ng s ur fa ce ."

" You m us t a rm or yours el f w it h your i ma gi na ti on! W ri te s om et hi ng upon your a rm or t ha t w il l s tr ike f ea r

i nt o t he hea rt of e vi l! "

S uz an ne p au se d, h er p en p oi se d a bo ve t he l ea th er . " Is n' t m y M us e s up po se d t o h el p m e w ri te ?"

" I' m a n a ge nt o f I ns pi ra ti on , n ot a s ec re ta ry ."

" But w ha t s houl d I w ri te ?"

" Tr y a s pe ll t o p ro te ct y ou a nd s mi te y ou r f oe s. "

" I d on 't k no w a ny s pe ll s. "

" Ma ke . O ne . U p! "

" Al l r ight ." S uz anne 's pen pause d a ga in. " Should i t be i n a f or ei gn l anguage? "

" That 's usual ly a good i de a. D o you know a ny f or ei gn l anguages ?"

" No . C an I m ak e u p a f or ei gn l an gu ag e? "


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C al li ope a ppla uded. " Wonder ful. O f c ours e you c an. T ha t' s t hi nking l ike a w ri te r. "

S uz anne pat ie nt ly i ns cr ibed a s er ie s of nonse ns ic al but i mpre ss ive l ooki ng w or ds upon her a rm or j us t

beneath the metal plate. "Now what?"

"Put iton."

" In publi c? " C al li ope' s gla re a ns we re d S uz anne 's que st ion, s o s he has ti ly s tr uggl ed i nt o t he s ti ff l ea ther .

"Oh, it smells."

"That's called atmosphere. Comfortable?"

"No."

" Good. L et ' s go."

"Go where?"

C al li op e g la nc ed b ac k a s s he b eg an f lo at in g a wa y a ga in . " In s ea rc h o f I ns pi ra ti on a nd a dv en tu re ! Y ou

w on 't f in d t ha t i n a s af e l it tl e t ow n. To t he c ou nt ry si de !"

" But t he re 's bandi ts out t he re ."

"Excellent! Follow me."

S uz an ne t ri ed t o s ta nd h er g ro un d, b ut f ou nd h er f ee t m ov in g b ri sk ly o f t he ir o wn a cc or d. B y t he t im e

t he y r ea ch ed t he g at e t o t he c it y, s he w as s we at in g i n t he h ea vy l ea th er a nd w on de ri ng i f s he s ho ul d' ve

l is te ne d t o t he E di tor.

Th e g ua rd s a t t he g at e f ro wn ed a s Su za nn e a pp ro ac he d. " We 'r e g et ti n' r ea dy t o s hu t t he g at e f or t he

night . C om e bac k i n t he m or ni n' ," t he ir l ea de r a nnounc ed.

S uz anne , m om enta ri ly m anaging t o s top her f ee t w it h t he gre at es t of e ff or t, w at ched C al li ope dri ft

unhee di ng t hr ough t he gat e. " I have t o l ea ve now ."

" Wh y? G ot a f el la o ut t he re ?" T he g ua rd s b ro ke i nt o l au gh te r.

" No ! I 'm a wr it er a nd I h av e t o fo ll ow my M us e!"

A g ua rd w it h a b ra ss o rn am en t o n h is s ho ul de r w hi ch a pp ar en tl y i de nt if ie d h im a s t he l ea de r g av e

S uz an ne a s ke pt ic al l oo k. " A w ri te r? Y ou l oo k m or e l ik e o ne o f t he m b ar ba ri an s wo rd m ai de ns . A in 't

t ha t r ight , guys? " H is f el low gua rds c horuse d i n a gr ee me nt . " How c om e a w ri te r' s w ea ri ng a rm or ?"

" I . . . I 'm g oi ng t o a w ri te r' s w or ks ho p. T he y' re g oi ng t o c ri ti ci ze m y w ri ti ng ."

T he h ea d g ua rd e ye d S uz an ne s us pi ci ou sl y. " No t a b ar ba ri an ? W ha t' s t ha t o n y ou r a rm or , t he n? I t l oo ks

like barbarian writin'."

Su za nn e l oo ke d d own a t h er a rmo r. " It 's a , u h, s pe ll . I w ro te i t. "

T he g ua rd s e xc ha ng ed g la nc es . O ne o f t he m c am e c lo se , l ea ni ng t o p ee r i nt o S uz an ne 's f ac e. " Sh e a in 't


9/201

got on m uc h m akeup." H e l ooked downwa rd. " And s he' s w ea ri ng s ens ible s hoe s. M aybe s he is a w ri te r. "

" I dunno." T he hea d gua rd s cr at ched his s ca lp w it h a s pa de -l ike f inge rnai l. " Ba rbar ia n s word m ai de ns

w ea r s e ns ibl e s hoe s, don' t t hey? "

" Some ti me s. B ut t he y a lw ays f ight hal f- ne kked. T hi s one 's got t oo m uc h c lothes on. "

" Th at 's t ru e. Th er e' s n ot e ve n a h in t o f c le av ag e v is ib le o n h er . He y, I k no w. Ch ec k ' er h an ds ."

" Ok ay ." T he c lo se st g ua rd g ra bb ed S uz an ne 's h an ds a nd t ur ne d t he m p al ms u p. " Sh e' s g ot i nk o n ' em ."

" Hm mm . N ow a sk h er t o s pe ll s om et hi n' h ar d. L ik e, u h, a ra ch ni d. "

T he g ua rd s l oo ke d f ro m t he ir l ea de r t o S uz an ne . " Go a he ad ," o ne u rg ed . " If y ou 'r e a w ri te r, s pe ll t ha t. "

"Uh . . . a, r, a, c, uh, h, i, no!, n, i, d."

T he g ua rd s l oo ke d t o t he ir l ea de r. " Is t ha t r ig ht ?"

" I d un no . S ou nd s r ig ht . Ok ay , y ou c an p as s. He y, c an I b e i n y ou r n ex t b oo k? So me th in ', y ou k no w,

her oi c? N o c om ic r el ie f, m ind you!"

Th e c lo se st g ua rd l ea ne d e ve n c lo se r. " I g ot t hi s g re at i de a f or a s to ry . I c an t el l i t t o y ou , a nd y ou c ou ld

w ri te i t u p a nd s pl it t he m on ey w it h m e. W ha tt ay a s ay ?"

S uz an ne s mi le d w it h w ha t s he h op ed a pp ea re d t o b e s in ce ri ty . " Wh at a w on de rf ul d ea l. L et 's t al k a bo ut

i t l at er ." H er f ee t w er e a lr ea dy m oving a ga in, pul li ng her a long t he pat h C al li ope had t aken.

C al li op e s lo we d e no ug h f or Su za nn e t o c at ch u p. He r f or m h ad t ak en o n a g ol de n g lo w a s t he s un b eg an

t o s et . " Yo u' ve p as se d y ou r f ir st o bs ta cl e. I sn 't i t g lo ri ou s? "

S uz anne gla re d a t C al li ope f rom under l ow er ed brows . " I don't f ee l glori ous. I c er ta inly don't s me ll

g lo ri ou s i n t hi s a rm or . D id y ou h ea r t ho se o ff er s I g ot f ro m t ho se g ua rd s? "

" Yo u h av e t o e xp ec t t o b e p ro po si ti on ed w he n y ou 'r e a w ri te r. "

"I'm notthatkind of writer!"

Calliope sighed. "Ah, you're the artistic type. There's nothing wrong with selling your talents occasionally,

you know."

" I r ea ll y d on 't l ik e t he w ay y ou 'r e d es cr ib in g t hi s. W he re a re w e g oi ng ?" T he s un k ep t s in ki ng t ow ar d t he

hor iz on, a nd C al li ope kept dri ft ing dow n t he r oa d.

"To an adventure."

"It's getting dark."

" Mys te ri ous night ! W ha t w onde rs a nd t er rors doe s i t hide? "

"My feet hurt."


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C al li ope gave S uz anne a dis appointe d l ook. " I t hought you w er e a n a rt is t. "

"I w or k b es t a ft er a g oo d n ig ht 's s le ep . An d s ome th in g t o e at ."

"You didn't bring anything?"

S uz an ne o pe ne d h er m ou th b ut n ot hi ng c am e o ut .

C al li op e p ee re d a he ad a nd s mi le d. " He re c om es a r id er ! W ha t a dv en tu ro us p ro sp ec ts !"

" A r ider ?" S uz anne gla nc ed a round f ra nt ic al ly. " I have t o hide. "

" No ns en se . Y ou h av e a s wo rd ."

" A s word?" S uz anne gla nc ed dow n a t G ua rdia n, s wi nging f or gott en a t her s ide.

" And your a rm or ," C al li ope a dded. " I' d t ry t o a void get ti ng hit , nonet he le ss ."

" Th an k y ou ." S uz an ne d re w G ua rd ia n a nd s to od i n w ha t s he h op ed w as a c on fi de nt p os tu re a s t he r id er

d re w c lo se r. I t s oo n b ec ame a pp ar en t t ha t t he r id er wa s ma le a nd , f ro m h is e xp re ss io n, i n a f ou l m oo d.

I ns te ad o f v ee ri ng h is h or se s li gh tly t o t he s id e t o a vo id Su za nn e, h e a ime d a k ic k a t h er. " Ge t o ut o f t he

w ay !" A s s he d od ge d t he k ic k, h e t oo k a no th er l oo k. " He y. A b ab e. O ut h er e a ll a lo ne ?"

S uz anne gri tt ed her t ee th. " And pla nning t o s ta y t ha t w ay."

T he m an g ri nn ed u np le as an tl y. " Wh at 's w it h t he a rm or , b ab e? I t j us t g et s i n t he w ay ."

S uz an ne 's e ye s n ar ro we d. " It h el ps p ro te ct m e f ro m j er ks ."

" Ah , t ha t' s n o wa y t o b e. I b et y ou 'r e h un gr y, h uh ?"

" No t t ha t h un gr y. " S uz an ne t ri ed t o i gn or e t he g ro wl in g i n h er s to ma ch , b ut i t w as o bv io us t he r id er h ea rd

it.

H e r umm ag ed i n h is p ac k a nd s ur fa ce d wi th a n o bl on g o bj ec t. " Wh at s ay we ma ke a t ra de ? I g iv e y ou

t hi s, a nd you give m e s om et hi ng i n r et ur n. "

" Is t ha t c ho co la te ?" S uz an ne s ta re d a t t he b ar . " Tr ad e? W ha t d o y ou w an t? "

Th e g ri n g re w i nt o a l ee r. " Li ke I sa id , t ha t ar mo r g et s in th e wa y. Ta ke i t o ff."

" That 's a ll ? T ake off m y a rm or ?"

" Then t ake off e ve rything e ls e. Y ou'l l get t he c hocola te w he n I 'm done. "

S uz an ne 's t em pe r b oi le d o ve r. " I' m t ir ed a nd h un gr y a nd o ut i n t he m id dl e o f n ow he re a nd y ou d ar e t re at

m e l ik e s om e k in d o f s lu t w ho 'd s el l h er se lf f or a s in gl e b ar o f c ho co la te ?"

T he r id er f ro wn ed . " I' ve g ot t wo b ar s i f t ha t' s "


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" Ahhhh! " L os ing a ll c ontr ol , S uz anne l ea pe d a t t he r ider , her s word s wi nging. T he f la t of t he bla de c aught

t he s ur pr is ed ma n o n t he s id e o f h is h ea d, t umb li ng h im f ro m t he s ad dl e. "N ot f or t wo b ar s! N ot e ve n f or

t hr ee ! I 'm n ot a s lu t! " Sh e s to od o ve r h im wh er e h e l ay i n t he r oa d, h er s wo rd p oi se d, h er fa ce g lo wi ng

with rage.

Th e m an s tar ed u p at h er , fe ar f il li ng h is f ac e. " Wh at . . . wh at a re y ou ?"

" I' m a w ri te r! "

T he m an s cu tt le d a wa y, s ti ll o n t he g ro un d. " Ta ke t he c ho co la te . T ak e t he h or se ." H e s cr am bl ed t o h is

f ee t a nd f le d, vanis hi ng i nt o t he growi ng dar knes s.

Su za nn e b li nk ed , lo ok in g a ro un d in s ur pri se . "W ell . . . t ha t wa s n ic e o f h im. Wh y d o y ou s up po se h e

g av e m e t he h or se ? He d id n' t s ee m a ll t ha t n ic e a p er so n."

C al li op e h ad r ea pp ea re d b y h er s id e. " He 's n ot . I b el ie ve y ou f ri gh te ne d h im ."

" It s er ve s h im r ig ht f or u si ng c ho co la te t o t au nt a n a rm ed w om an ." S uz an ne a te s lo wl y, s av or in g t he b ar ,

t he n d ug i n t he a ba nd on ed h or se 's s ad dl e b ag s a nd f ou nd a no th er . " No w w ha t, C al li op e? "

" Yo u h av e a h or se . R id e i t. "

S uz an ne m ou nt ed t he h or se , w ho s ee me d u ni mp re ss ed b y h is c ha ng e i n o wn er s. " I' m s ur e t ha t m an

d id n' t t re at y ou v er y w el l, e it he r, d id h e? " T he s ec on d c ho co la te b ar a nd t he l as t t ra ce s o f d ay li gh t

v an is he d a t a bo ut t he s am e t im e. S uz an ne s hi ve re d i n t he c oo l n ig ht b re ez e. H er s wo rd s ca bb ar d k ep t

s la pp in g h er l eg i n a n a nn oy in g w ay , s o s he r emo ve d t he s ca bb ar d fr om h er b el t a nd f as te ne d i t t o h er

s ad dl e, r at he r e nj oy in g t he s en sa ti on o f b ei ng a rm ed a nd m ou nt ed . S he e ve n r ub be d h er a rm or w it h s om efeeling of satisfaction.

I t t oo k h er a wh il e t o r ea li ze Ca ll io pe h ad d is ap pe ar ed . Wi th n o M us e t o f ol lo w d ow n t he e mp ty r oa d

o n a c ol d n ig ht , a nd w it h t he l as t o f t he c ho co la te g on e, S uz an ne 's b ri ef p le as ur e i n h er a dv en tu re r ap id ly

f ad ed . S po tt in g a s om ew ha t s he lt er ed a re a a mo ng s om e r oc ks n ot f ar f ro m t he r oa d, s he g ui de d t he

h or se t ha t w ay , d is mo un te d a b it s ti ff ly , t he n s at h ea vi ly o nt o t he g ro un d, t hr ow n o ff b al an ce b y t he

w ei ght of her a rm or . M ut te ri ng c ur se s a t F at e a nd M us es , S uz anne s tr uggl ed bri ef ly w it h get ti ng out of

t he a rm or , t he n g av e i t u p a s t oo mu ch t ro ub le a nd s im pl y l ea ne d b ac k a ga in st t he n ea re st r oc k.

A s ound w oke her t o bri ght day. S uz anne s ta re d a round, bli nking a ga inst t he l ight . " Ca ll iope ?"

" Ri ght her e, " t he M us e a ns we re d c he er il y. " You r ea ll y s houl d w ake up now . Y our a dventure i s get ti ng

better by the moment!"

B eyond C al li ope' s s ha pe , S uz anne s aw a group of m en a pproac hi ng. T he ir gener al ly s cr uf fy a ppea ra nc e

a nd r ag ta g a ss or tm en t o f a rm s a nd a rm or d id n' t i ns pi re c on fi de nc e i n h er . S he s tr ug gl ed b ac k t o h er f ee t,

a wa re her hai r proba bl y l ooke d f ri ghtf ul , a nd a dj us te d t he l ea ther a rm or , r appi ng t he m et al r ei nf or ce me nt

o n h er c he st f or r ea ss ur an ce .

T he g ro up o f m en s to pp ed w he n t he y s aw h er mo vi ng , t he n c am e o n a ga in , s mi li ng w it h v ar yi ng d eg re es

o f m en ac e a nd a nt ic ip at io n. S uz an ne c ou nt ed t he ir n um be rs a nd t he s ca rs o n t he ir f ac es w it h a s in ki ng

feeling. "Oh, Calliope."


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"Yes?"

" I' d a ppre ci at e a l it tl e hel p. "

" Th is i sn 't t he b es t t im e t o w ri te ."

" I d on 't m ea n w it h w ri ti ng ! H ow a m I g oi ng t o h an dl e t he se m en ? Th ey l oo k l ik e b an di ts ."

"They are bandits."

T he a dvanci ng bandi t gang had hal te d a s S uz anne t al ke d w it h C al li ope, l ooki ng a round w it h puz zl ed

e xpre ss ions i n s ea rc h of t he c om pa ni on s he w as s pe aking w it h.

" Ca ll io pe ! W ha t d o I d o? "

"You're wearing your armor."

" Wh ic h d id n' t d o i ts l as t o wn er m uc h g oo d. "

" Then dra w your s word, f or I nspir at ion's s ake. "

S uz anne m ade a des pe ra te gra sping m ot ion t ow ar d her s ide, f indi ng not hi ng t he re . S he gla nc ed a round

q ui ck ly , f in al ly s ee in g h er s wo rd a bo ut t we lv e f ee t f ro m h er . I n i ts s ca bb ar d. T ie d t o h er n ew s ad dl e.

C in ch ed o nt o h er n ew h or se , w ho w as l oo ki ng b ac k a t S uz an ne w it h a n e xp re ss io n w hi ch c le ar ly

c omm un ic at ed " if y ou t ak e o ne s te p t owa rd me I' ll r un a wa y a s f as t a s p os si bl e." " I d on 't h av e m y

sword."

" We ll , t he n, dra w your kni fe !" C al li ope a dvis ed w it h a t ra ce of a sper si on.

" I d on 't h av e a k ni fe ."

"You must have something."

S uz anne f el t f ra nt ic al ly a round her w ai st . " I' ve got m y pen."

"Draw it!"

G ri pping t he pen f ir ml y, S uz anne r ai se d i t i n w ha t s he hoped w as a m enac ing f as hi on. " Come no f ur ther !"T he bandi ts hal te d t he ir progr es s a ga in. " Ca ll iope ! N ow w ha t? "

T he M us e' s v oi ce h ad g ro wn f ai nt er , a s i f s he w er e m ov in g a wa y. " Yo u' re t he w ri te r. F in d a s ol ut io n t o

your plot dilemma."

" What ? P lot dil em ma ? T hi s i sn't a plot dil em ma ! I 'm i n s er ious dange r! "

C al li op e' s v oi ce c ou ld b ar el y b e h ea rd n ow . " Su re ly y ou d id n' t w ri te y ou r p ri ma ry c ha ra ct er i nt o a d ea d

e nd? D idn' t you plot t hi s out bef or ehand? "

"No!"

T he b an di ts , s ta ri ng a ro un d a ga in , j er ke d i n s ur pr is e a t S uz an ne 's h ow l o f a ng er .


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" Th en u se y ou r i ma gi na ti on a nd y ou r t oo ls , w ri te r. C re at e a w ay o ut f or y ou r c ha ra ct er ." C al li op e' s v oi ce

f ad ed o ut c om pl et el y o n t he l as t w or d.

S uz an ne s ta re d a t t he b an di ts , w ho s ta re d b ac k, t he n b eg an s lo wl y a dv an ci ng a ga in . " St an d b ac k! "

Suzanne cried. "I'm wearing armor!"

T he b an di ts e xc ha ng ed g la nc es , t he n o ne n ea r t he h ea d o f t he g an g a dd re ss ed S uz an ne . " So a re w e.

A nd w e' ve g ot w ea po ns ."

"So do I !" Su za nn e wa ve d he r pe n at th em. "Be sid es , th is a rmor is . . . is . . . magi ca l. See ? Th ere 's a

spell written on it."

T he b an di ts p au se d y et a ga in , t he ir e ye s l oc ke d o nt o t he a re a j us t b en ea th S uz an ne 's c he st . " Wh at k in d

of s pe ll ?" t he bandi t c hi ef a sked w ar il y.

"U h, a p owe rf ul s pe ll . Y es . V er y p owe rf ul . An yo ne w ho a tt ac ks me wi ll b e s tr ic ke n . . . u h . . . s tr ic ke n.Ye s. Li ke . . ." Su za nn e wa ve d h er p en a ga in . " Th at ."

O ne o f t he b an di ts s pa t a nd s ho ok h is h ea d. " Sh e a in 't p ro vi di ng m uc h d et ai l, i s s he ?"

" No," t he c hi ef a gr ee d. " I t hi nk you'r e l yi ng, w om an."

S uz an ne g la re d a t t he b an di ts . " I c an b e v er y d et ai le d. I ma y b e w ea k o n i ma ge ry , b ut I c an d et ai l e ve ry

d et ai l i n d et ai l. I 'm v er y g oo d a t t ha t. "

" Pa h! L et 's g et h er ."

S uz an ne l ow er ed h er p en 's t ip t ow ar d t he b an di ts , e xt en di ng h er a rm a nd s et tl in g h er b od y i nt o a f ig ht in g

s ta nc e. " Don' t m ake m e use t hi s! "

T he b an di ts h al te d s o f as t s om e o f t he m s tu mb le d, t he n s to od l oo ki ng f ro m S uz an ne t o t he p en . " It d on 't

l ook t oo da nge rous, " one w hi s pe re d.

" It isd an ge ro us ," S uz an ne i ns is te d. " Wi th t hi s I c an . . . I c an c re at e m on st er s! A nd t er ri bl e a rm ie s! I c an

create entire worlds!"

T he b an di t c hi ef 's s mi le h el d m en ac e. " Th en h ow c om e y ou a in 't c re at ed a ny d ec en t a rm or f or y er se lf ?Al l y ou g ot i s t ha t t he re b att er ed l ea th er . Wi th wh at y ou s ay i s a s pe ll on it ."

S uz an ne d re w h er se lf u p t o h er f ul l h ei gh t, a do pt in g a h au gh ty e xp re ss io n. " It d oe s h av e a s pe ll o n i t! A

s pe ll I c re at ed o ut o f n ot hi ng ! Th is a rmo r is r ei nfo rc ed b y I ma gi na ti on a nd . . . a nd De sp er at io n. It i s t he

Armor With No Name! It is Ineffable! Ineluctable! Undistinguished! Inexplicable! Inadequate!"

T he b an di ts g ap ed a t h er , t he ir m ou th s o pe n w it h a we . " Sh e' s c as ti ng a s pe ll ," o ne c ri ed .

T he bandi t c hi ef l ow er ed his s word, his e xpre ss ion now gua rded. " That s ti ck c an m ake a nything, huh?"

" We ll , s o f ar I h av en 't m ad e a ny m on ey w it h i t. I 'm s ti ll w or ki ng o n t ha t. " T he b an di ts l oo ke d a ng ry a nd

puzzled again. "But it wrote this spell on my armor! Believe me, one of us will regret it if you attack me!"


14/201

" Sh e' s a s or ce re ss ," o ne o f t he b an di ts w ar ne d. " Sh e c ou ld b e r ea l d an ge ro us ."

" Or m ay be s he 's c ra zy ," a no th er o ne a dd ed .

"Crazy women're dangerous, too."

T he b an di ts s hi ft ed b ac k a nd f or th w he re t he y s to od , h ol di ng t he ir w ea po ns b et we en t he ms el ve s a ndS uz an ne 's t hr ea te ni ng p en . T he c hi ef t ri ed t o f oc us o n t he p en 's t ip , s qu in ti ng a s h is e nt ir e h ea d f ol lo we d

t he w av er in g i ns tr um en t. " He re , n ow . I 'v e h ad e no ug h. A re y ou a s or ce re ss o r a re y ou j us t c ra zy ?"

S uz an ne 's a ng er a t t he b an di ts , a t C al li op e, a nd a t t he e nt ir e s it ua ti on f in al ly f la re d. S he r ai se d t he p en

ove r her hea d, her e ye s w il d, her unkem pt hai r f la ri ng a round her f ac e. " I' mnot cr az y. I ' m a wr it er !"

T he b an di ts s ta re d w id e- ey ed a t h er f or a m om en t. " Ru n! " s ev er al s ho ut ed a t o nc e, a nd t he e nt ir e p ac k

t oo k t o i ts h ee ls .

P er pl exed, S uz anne w at ched t he m go, hol di ng her f ight ing s ta nc e. A s t he f igur es of t he bandi ts dwi ndle di nt o t he d is ta nc e, s he f in al ly l ow er ed t he p en , t he n r an h er f re e h an d t hr ou gh h er h ai r. " I d on 't l oo kt ha tb a d

in the morning," she muttered.

C al li ope r ea ppea re d dir ec tl y i n f ront of her , s mi li ng w it h a pprova l. " Exce ll ent! Y ou've had e xper ie nc es

w or thy of i nt er es t. I 'm s ur e you'r e j us t f il le d w it h t he s pi ri t of I ns pi ra ti on."

S uz an ne g lo we re d a t h er M us e. " Ye s. A s a m at te r o f f ac t, I f ee l i ns pi re d t o d o s om et hi ng r ig ht n ow ."

He r h an d b al le d in to a f is t a s s he s wu ng r ig ht a t Ca ll io pe , b ut t he M us e v an is he d l ik e a b ur st s oa p b ub bl e

a nd S uz anne 's a tt ac k s wi shed t hr ough e mpty a ir .

G rumbli ng a nd f ee li ng m us cl es knot up f rom s le eping a ll night on r oc ks , S uz anne l im pe d t ow ar d her h or se , n ow s ta nd in g w it h n o s ig n o f s ki tt is hn es s. S uz an ne e ye d t he b ea st s ou rl y. " I' m g oi ng t o c al l y ou

I nc on st an t. Y ou r ea ll y d on 't s ee m t o c ar e wh at h ap pe ns t o y ou r o wn er s, d o y ou ?" I t wa s i mp os si bl e t o

t el l f or s ur e o n a h or se 's f ac e, b ut S uz an ne t ho ug ht I nc on st an t s mi rk ed a t h er w or ds .

R id in g i n f ul l d ay li gh t, t he j ou rn ey b ac k t o t he c it y w as a n e as y o ne . Su za nn e f ou nd a wr it in g p ad i n o ne

o f t he s ad dle ba gs a nd wo rk ed o n a s to ry a s sh e r ode . A ne w s et of g ua rd s wer e a t t he c it y g ate whe n

S uz anne a rr ived. T he y w aved her t hr ough, t hough not w it hout s om e w or ri ed c om me nt s t ha t her a tt ir e

m ight r epre se nt t he f ir st i ndic at ion of a t re nd t ow ar d m odes t dre ss ing by bar ba ri an s word m ai de ns .

T hi s t im e, S uz anne s tr ode f ir ml y i nt o t he T em pl e of I ns pi ra ti on, i gnor ing t he f li nc he s of t hose s he pas se dc lo se e no ug h t o t ha t t he y c au gh t a wh if f o f h er o do ro us a rmo r. Sh e c am e u p t o t he s ame Ed it or s he 'd

s poke n w it h bef or e, kne el ing bri ef ly a s s he pre se nt ed her off er ing.

" An ot he r m an us cr ip t a lr ea dy ?" T he E di to r t oo k i t, g la nc ed a t t he f ir st p ag e, k ep t r ea di ng , a nd t we nt y

m in ut es l at er l oo ke d b ac k u p a t S uz an ne . " Yo ur o ff er in g i s a cc ep te d. " S uz an ne s mi le d a s t he E di to r

painstakingly counted out a small pile of coins. "That's the standard payment rate. It's set by the goddess,

s o d on 't c om pl ai n t o m e. "

" It 's f ine. " S uz anne s we pt up t he c oi ns .

" Ca n I e xpec t m or e off er ings f rom you?"

S uz anne s mi le d a ga in. " Pe rhaps. F ir st , t hough, I have t o kil l m y M us e. "


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Th e E di to r s ho ok h er h ea d s ad ly . " Wr it er s c an 't k il l t he ir M us es . A M us e c an l ea ve o f i ts o wn a cc or d,

but it can't be killed."

" I c an t ry ." Su za nn e p au se d b ef or e t he i do l o f I ns pi ra ti on t o t os s s om e o f h er n ew c oi ns o nt o t he

g od de ss ' a lt ar , t he n h ea de d o ut o f t he t em pl e.

C al li ope a ppea re d, f loat ing a bout t en f ee t a wa y f rom her . " Your f ir st a cc epte d off er ing! H ow w onde rf ul .

A re y ou r ea dy f or m or e e xp er ie nc es ?"

S uz an ne s mi le d m er ri ly a s s he d re w G ua rd ia n f ro m i ts s he at h. " Su re . L et 's t al k a bo ut i t. C ou ld y ou c om e

a l it tl e c lose r, ple as e? "

" I' d r a ther not ."

S uz an ne d re w f or th h er p en w it h h er o th er h an d. " Ha ve I s ho wn t hi s t o y ou ? I t' s r ea ll y a n ic e p en . C ome

look."

" No , t ha nk y ou ." C al li op e b eg an f lo at in g b ac kw ar ds a s S uz an ne t oo k a s te p t ow ar d h er .

S uz an ne t oo k a no th er s te p a nd C al li op e f le w a wa y a t a f as te r r at e. S ti ll g ra sp in g h er s wo rd G ua rd ia n i n

o ne h an d a nd h er p en i n t he o th er , S uz an ne j ump ed o nt o t he b ac k o f h er h or se I nc on st an t a nd u rg ed h im

a ft er t he f le ei ng M us e.

I t w as n' t u nt il t he y r ea ch ed t he g at e t ha t S uz an ne r ea li ze d C al li op e w as l ea di ng h er o ut o f t he c it y a ga in .

A L at e S ym me r N ight 's B at tl e

Laura Frankos

M us ta rd se ed g ru nt ed a s s he t ig ht en ed t he l ea th er s tr ap s h ol di ng h er a rm or i n p la ce . S he t wi st ed a bo ut ,

t es ti ng f or m ob il it y. F in di ng o ne c ou ld n' t m ov e i n c om ba t c ou ld p ro ve d ea dl y . . . t ha t i s, a ss um in g o ne

e ve r g ot i nt o c om ba t a ga in . S he s ig he d, a nd f lo pp ed d ow n o n t he g ra ss y h il lo ck .

" Is i t a ll r ig ht ?" a t in y a nx io us v oi ce a sk ed . " Sh al l I p ut i n a f ew m or e s ti tc he s, j us t t o m ak e c er ta in t he y

hold well?"

M us ta rd se ed p ee re d i nt o a m ou nd o f d an de li on s. T he re , a mo ng t he g ra y f lu ff , s he b ar el y m ad e o ut a

c hubby f ac e s ur rounde d by w is py s il ve ry c ur ls . A f ai nt f lutt er of t ra ns luce nt w ings s ent dande li on s ee ds

a lo ft . W ho e ls e b ut M ot h, a s p al e a nd f li tt y a s h er n ame sa ke ? I f Mu st ar ds ee d d id n' t r ea ss ur e h er , s he

wa s a pt t o t re mb le s o m uc h t he n ea re st f ai ry r in g wo ul d b e a wa sh i n w ee ds .

" Th e s tr ap s a re f in e, M ot h. Th an ks f or d oi ng t he m; I c an h an dl e my s wo rd , b ut n ot a n ee dl e."

" But you w er efr owning," M ot h s ai d, e me rging f rom t he w ee ds w it h a s ha ke of her w ings .


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" No t o ve r y ou r w or k. I wa s j us t t hi nk in g h ow d ul l i t wa s. I t' s s o c on fo un de d p ea ce fu l. An d n ow t ha t

O be ro n a nd T it an ia h av e k is se d a nd m ad e u p, w e d on 't e ve n h av e t he c ha nc e t o f ac e o ff a ga in st t he

king's fairies."

" Th er e' s f ac in g o ff a nd f ac in g o ff , d ea ri e, " c am e a v oi ce f ro m b eh in d h er . " An d s om e o f O be ro n' s f el la s

havenicefaces. Among other things."

M us ta rd se ed d id n' t r ea ll y w an t t o h ea r i t. S he 'd r ec en tl y b ro ke n u p w it h R ob in G oo df el lo w. T ru e, i t w as

a ll f or t he b es t. Th ey w er en 't s ui te d f or e ac h o th er i n t he s li gh te st : R ob in w as a n i nc ur ab le p la yb oy w it h a n

i nf anti le s ense of hum or , how ever m uc h f un he w as i n t he f lowe rbeds. M us ta rdse ed's hea rt had m os tl y

h ea le d, b ut d id n' t t ak e k in dl y t o p ub li c r ef er en ce s t o " Ob er on 's f el la s. " S he d ec id ed t o p ut a b ra ve f ac e

o n i t, a nd r es or te d t o t ea si ng b ac k.

" Yo u' d k no w b es t, P ea se bl os so m, " s he s ai d. " Pe op le s ay y ou 'r e r es po ns ib le f or h al f t he f ai ry r in gs i n t he

f or es t, you a nd your e ve r- changi ng par tner s. "

P ea se bl os som s te pped i nt o t he c le ar ing, her e ve ry m ove r evea li ng w hy s he w as one of T it ania 's f avor it eda nc e rs . A nd, M us t ar dse e d r ef l ec t ed bi tt e rl y, one of t he quee n's be st f i ght er s a s w el l. P ea se blos som

proudly wore the black and yellow ribbon signifying she'd successfully dueled a humblebee.

M us ta rd se ed , w hi le s tr on ge r b y f ar , h ad n o h op es o f a tt ai ni ng s uc h a n h on or .

"I ca n't hel p i t. A cut e g uy, a n emp ty patc h o f g rass , and I just ha ve to dan ce. And my l atest be au is

positively scrumptious." She twirled gracefully to Mustardseed's side, brushed some dust off a toadstool,

a nd , a ft er a rr an gi ng h er s ki rt s j us t s o, s at d ow n.

" Yo u c ou ld s ay h el lo t o y ou r c ou si n, " M us ta rd se ed s ai d.

P ea se bl oss om bli nke d. " Sorr y, M ot h. D idn't noti ce you. "

"Of co urs e n ot. She 's n ot a c ute gu y or a b are pa tch of g ra ss . Nev er min d, Mot h, so me o f u s ap pre ci at e

you."

Pe as eb lo ss om s ho ok h er c ur ly p in k l oc ks . " I l ov e Mo th , a nd s he k no ws i t. N ot t ha t a ny o f u s h av e s ee n

h er l at el y. H ow , b y t he Q ue en 's g ra ce , d id y ou m an ag e t o g et a wa y f ro m t he l it tl e m on st er , c oz ?"

" Ghos h i s not a m onst er ," M ot h s ai d. H er nea rl y- invi si bl e a nt enna e e xt ende d f or a bri ef m om ent, t he n

d ro op ed a ga in o ut o f s ig ht .

Mushrooms for all!Mustardseed thought.Little Flutter showing signs of temper?

" He 's j us t a ct iv e. R ea ll y, P ea se bl os so m, h e' s t he s we et es t b ab y a nd h e' ll m ak e a w on de rf ul p ag e

s om ed ay . N o w on de r t he ir Ma je st ie s w er e r ea dy t o g o t o w ar o ve r h im. " M ot h c ov er ed a y aw n. " Bu t I

a dm it h e' s w ea ri ng . H is l at es t t ri ck i s d ig gi ng h ol es . I 'v e h ad t o p ut u p s ig ns w ar ni ng p eo pl e, o r t he y' ll f al l

i n his e xc avat ions . T he f il thy pla ce s I 've f ound t ha t i mp!"

" I s aw him t he other day," M us ta rdse ed l aughed. " I know he' s nat ur al ly dar k- skinne d, bei ng a l it tl e

I nd ia n c ha ng el in g, b ut I c ou ld n' t t el l w he re t he m ud l ef t o ff a nd w he re h e b eg an ."

" So w he re i s t he t in y, b ut g ru bb y, p ar ag on ?" P ea se bl os so m a sk ed .

" He 's n ap pi ng , s o P hi lo me l a gr ee d t o w at ch o ve r h im ," s ai d M ot h. " I' ve b ee n u si ng t he s pa re t im e t o


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c at ch u p o n m y l ea th er -w or ki ng . I f ix ed M us ta rd se ed 's a rm or s tr ap s, m ad e a b el t f or d ea r T hr os tl e, a nd

s ta rt ed s om e p an ts f or Gh os h. O f c ou rs e, g iv en w ha t h e d oe s t o c lo th es I 'd b e b et te r o ff m ak in g t he m o ut

of gra ni te s la bs , not r er em ic e' s w ings ."

M us ta rd se ed a nd P ea se bl os so m b ot h g ri ma ce d. R er em ic e w er e s om e o f t he n as ti es t c re at ur es o n e ar th :

utt er ly vic ious , c om pl et el y des tr uc ti ve , a nd l ac ki ng i n a ny i nt el li ge nc e beyond w ha t w as nee de d t o a tt ac k

t he ir e ne mi es . B ot h f ai ri es had f ought i n t he l as t gre at c onfl ic t w it h t he w inge d devil s; M us ta rdse ed's l ef ta rm b or e a s ca r f ro m l on g, y el lo w f an gs , a nd P ea se bl os so m' s e nt ir e f am il y h ad d ie d w he n t he b ea st s

s wo op ed o ut o f t he n ig ht s ky , w re ck in g a f ai ry e nc la ve .P er ha ps t ha t' s w hy B lo ss om 's s o c ar ef re e,

c hoos ing a dif fe re nt par tner e ve ry w ee k, thought M us ta r ds ee d.S he l os t nea rl y e ve rything t ha t m at te re d t o

h er f iv e y ea rs a go .

M ot h s ud de nl y r ea li ze d s he h ad e rr ed i n m en ti on in g t he d re ad e ne my b ef or e s ea so ne d v et er an s. " Oh , I

m ea n I d id n' t m ea n th at i s . . . " s he s ta mm er ed .

" Don' t f re t, old f li tw ings ," P ea se bl os som s ai d w it h f al se hea rt ines s. S he c la pped M ot h on t he s houl de r,

nea rl y s ta gger ing t he s ma ll er f ai ry. " At l ea st w e got a hef ty s uppl y of l ea ther f rom f ight ing t he big bugs cour ge of t he night ."

" Re re mi ce a re n' t bugs, " M us ta rdse ed s ai d m il dl y. " But do l et 's t al k of s om et hi ng e ls e. "

" De li gh te d. I 'v e b ee n l oo ki ng f or y ou t wo . W ha t e ls e c ou ld g et m e t o c li mb t hi s h il l i n t hi s h ea t? "

P ea se bl os so m f an ne d h er se lf w it h a b ur do ck l ea f. " We bb y' s h om e o n l ea ve ! T o c el eb ra te h er r et ur n, I 'm

t hr ow in g a g ra nd b as h t on ig ht a t t he c le ar in g b y t he m us k- ro se b us h. I 'v e s pe nt t he m or ni ng k il li ng a ll t he

c anke rs i n t he buds, s o t he pla ce l ooke d s pl endi fe rous , a nd s me ll s e ve n yum mi er ."

" De ar C ob we b! " s ai d M ot h. " We w er e s o p ro ud w he n s he w as a cc ep te d i nt o t he Q ue en 's A rc he rs . I t

w il l s ee m l ik e w e' re a ll s ch oo lg ir ls a ga in . Of c ou rs e I 'l l c om e, t ho ug h I m ay h av e t o b ri ng G ho sh ."

P ea se bl os som' s bea ut if ul f ea ture s s cr unched i n dis ma y. " Oh, i f you m us t. I 'd r at he r have you t he re w it h

t he B ra t f ro m Bo mb ay , t ha n n ot h av e y ou a t a ll. But mi nd y ou k ee p h im o ut o f t he s hru bb ery .

Mustardseed?"

" I' ll b e t he re . F or W eb by ." S he h ad n' t f el t l ik e a tt en di ng r ev el s s in ce t he b us t- up w it h R ob in , b ut s he

c ou ld n' t m is s t he c ha nc e t o s pe nd t im e wi th a n o ld p al l ik e Co bw eb .

* * *

I t w as a t yp ic al P ea se bl os so m a ff ai r, w it h m or e e xt ra va ga nc e t ha n s ty le . A nd i t w as j am -p ac ke d w it h

f ai ri es , s o c ro wd ed t he re w as b ar el y e no ug h r oo m i n t he c ir cl es t o t ur n a bo ut . B ut M us ta rd se ed , a n

i ndif fe re nt dance r, w as c onte nt t o s ta y under a honeysuckle bowe r, c ha tt ing w it h C obwe b a nd w at ching

M ot h c has e G hos h.

C ob we b l oo ke d w el l, a nd t he g ol de n t ri m o n h er p ur pl e a rc he r' s u ni fo rm p ic ke d u p t he h ig hl ig ht s i n h er

braided hair. Like Mustardseed, she was one of those fairies with vestigial wings. Neither of them could

f ly m or e t ha n a f ew p ac es , b ut t he y m ad e u p f or i t w it h g re at er s tr en gt h. W eb by 's r ig ht a rm p os it iv el y

rippled with muscles.

" So t he re w e w er e, t he n ew r ec ru it s, a nd wh at d oe s t he M as te r h av e u s d o? H an g p ea rl s i n e ve ry

bloody cowslip's ear within sight. I tell you, we were ready to pack up. We'd come for training, not

g ar de ni ng ! I t w as n' t u nt il w e r et ur ne d t o c am p, b it ch in g a ll t he w hi le , t ha t w e l ea rn ed o ur n ex t t as k:


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s hoo ti ng th e p ea rl s o ut o f t he c ow sl ip s. N ow t ha t w as a c ha ll en ge w or th y o f u s! "

" Am az ing! " M ot h bre at he d bef or e dis tr ac ti on s et i n. " Ghos h! D on't e at t ha t! "

" Di g, dig, dig," G hosh s ai d, bra ndis hi ng his s hove l a nd s pr aying dir t i n e ve ry dir ec ti on bef or e das hi ng

away. Moth hurried after him, sighing.

C ob we b a nd M us ta rd se ed w at ch ed t he m g o. " Mo th h as n' t c ha ng ed ," C ob we b s ai d. " As d om es ti c a s

e ve r, y et n o k id s o f h er o wn . T hi nk s he 'l l e ve r s et tl e d ow n? "

" If T hr os tl e g et s t he g um pt io n t o p op t he q ue st io n. H e' s o ff w it h t he ir M aj es ti es o n t he S ec on d

Honeymoon Tour, though."

C ob we b p oi nt ed t o a h il lo ck , w he re P ea se bl os so m w as r eg al in g a m ob o f f ai ri es . " Sh e h as n' t c ha ng ed

e it he r. A nd t o t hi nk s he 's c ur re nt ly g ot t he i nf am ou s o ne o n h er s tr in g. W on de r h ow l on g t ha t w il l l as t? "

" Oh, her new l ovel ight ? I a ct ua ll y haven't hea rd m uc h a bout him ."

" De wd ro ps ! S he 's n ab be d R an dy R ob in h im se lf ! S he s ai d h e b ra ze nl y a pp ro ac he d h er a t t he l as t f ul l

m oo n c er em on y a nd w hi sp er ed i n h er e ar , ' Wa nn a P uc k a ro un d? '"

M us ta rd se ed s up pr es se d t he u rg e t o f li nc h. I w il l n ot o ve rr ea ct ; W eb by h as n o i de a R ob in a nd I w er e a n

i te m. It 's o ve r a nd d on e wi th, a nd Blo sso m' s we lco me t o h im. But i t h urt s to t hi nk of h im wi th o ne o f my

best buds."He probably used the 'let me put a girdle round you, baby' line, too. You'd think he could

c om e u p w it h a n ew r ou ti ne ." S he p ul le d u p s om e g ra ss b la de s a nd m et ho di ca ll y s hr ed de d t he m.

" Uh, r ight ," s ai d W ebby, givi ng M us ta rdse e d a c ur ious l ook. " He y, her e c om es a n owl -r ide r. W onder

what's up?"

T he ghost ly w hi te bir d s il entl y l ande d dow n by t he brook, w he re i ts uni form ed r ider dis mounte d a nd r an

t o t he s ide of L ady Q ui ll , t he r anki ng off ic ia l i n t he r oyal s' a bs ence . C le ar ly, s om et hi ng w as a mi ss . F ai ri es

s ca tt er ed l ike a nt s w hose m ound i s dis turbed, s om e f lying, s om e r unni ng. L ady Q ui ll her se lf z ippe d t o t he

c ente r of t he c le ar ing a nd c al le d f or a tt enti on.

" La di es a nd g en tl em en , I h av e g ra ve n ew s. T he k ob ol ds h av e a tt ac ke d o ur b or de r g ua rd s o n t he

n or th er n e dg e o f t he f or es t. T he y' ve b ea te n b ac k o ur f ir st l in e o f d ef en de rs a nd a re c om in g t hi s w ay .

T he y' re e xpec te d by t om or row night . I 've s ent m es se nger s f or a ddit iona l s uppor t, but t he y m ight not

a rr iv e i n t im e. F or n ow , a ll m il it ar y p er so nn el a re t o r ep or t t o G en er al P ar d. C iv il ia ns , t ak e c ov er i nOberon's Glade."

" Ra in a nd s torm s, " s ai d M us ta rdse ed, " to t hi nk I w as c om pl ai ni ng i t w as t oo pea ce ful. M y big m outh!"

* * *

T he f ai ry f or ce s s ee me d m ea ge r t o M us ta rd se ed 's t ra in ed e ye . A b ar e h an df ul o f a rc he rs , l ed b y

C ob we b; a d iv is io n o f h ed ge ho g a rm or , t hi rt y o wl -r id er s, a nd t he r es id en t f ox c av al ry , t o w hi ch s he a nd

B loss om bel onge d. We 'd got te n c om pl ac ent. W e ha ve n' t bee n c ha ll enge d s ince t he r er em ic e w ar . H al f

t he a rm y' s t ra ve li ng w it h t he r oyal s or hunti ng t ha t t roll i n t he s outhla nds. T he se blue- skinne d G er ma ni c

devil s c ould be gri mm . E r, gri m.

A s s he m us ed o ve r t he c om in g b at tl e, M us ta rd se ed g ro om ed h er f ox , M r. T od . N ea rb y, P ea se bl os so m


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w as d oi ng t he s am e. H er b ea st , a s ki tt is h v ix en , s ud de nl y s na rl ed a s s om eo ne a pp ro ac he d. " Ea sy , t he re ,"

s ai d t he n ewc ome r. " Ju st c ame t o s ay m y f ar ew ell s t o t wo v ery f ox y l ad ie s. I 'm o ff t o b ri ng wo rd o f t he

invasion to their majesties."

" You!" P ea se bl os som hur le d her brus h a t R obin G oodfe ll ow 's hea d. I t c onne c te d w it h a r es ounding

th un k. " Yo u s ki p m y b ig p ar ty b ec au se y ou 'r e o ff t ak in g a t ri p t o t he m oo n w it h M is s G os sa me r W in gs

her se lf , s lutt y C inna ba r. G et out bef or e I t hr ow s om et hi ng hea vi er a t you."

R obin, r ubbi ng t he bum p on his hea d, f la shed t ha t devas ta ti ng s mi le on M us ta rdse ed. " Muss y, honey, i t' s

a long trip I'm making . . ."

" Ho w n ic e. W e c an r ej oi ce i n y ou r l en gt hy a bs en ce . No w w hy d on 't y ou s ho w o ff t ha t v au nt ed s pe ed o f

y ou rs a nd e xi t, p re fe ra bl y p ur su ed b y a b ea r? "

" Be t ha t w ay , t he n. " H e b uz ze d o ff a ro un d a h ed ge ro w, b ut t he p ai r c ou ld h ea r h im f ai nt ly . " Au ro ra ,

darling of the day! Had to make my farewells . . ."

M us ta rd se ed a nd P ea se bl os so m l oo ke d a t e ac h o th er o ve r t he ir f ox es ' b ac ks a nd b ur st o ut l au gh in g.

" He m us t be c oll ec ti ng good-bye s mooc hes ," P ea se bloss om s ai d.

" Pr ob ab ly t im ed h is d ep ar tu re t o t he s pl it s ec on d. " M us ta rd se ed s cr at ch ed M r. T od 's e le ga nt n os e. H e

whined in sympathy.

" Tr ou bl e i s, R ob in c an k is s b et te r t ha n d am n n ea r a ny on e. T he r at ."

" Mo re t o l if e t ha n k is si ng . L et 's r ep or t t o G en er al P ar d. "

* * *

A t t he n ex t s un do wn m ee ti ng , t he o ff ic er s g av e a b ri ef in g o n t he e ne my 's m ov em en ts . A c ap tu re d k ob ol d

had e xpla ined t he r ea son behind t he ir i nvas ion: t he y had bee n pea ce full y w or ki ng i n t he s il ve r m ines i n

n or th er n G re ec e w he n a b un ch o f h um an s e vi ct ed t he m. H e s ai d t he ir f am il ie s w er e h om el es s a nd t he

m en c ouldn' t f ind s ui ta bl e j obs a nywher e but t he off ic ia ls w ar ne d t hi s m ight be a pla y f or s ym pa thy.

" Wh at ev er t ro ub le s t he y m ig ht h av e h ad , t he y c an 't b ar ge i n h er e a nd s te al o ur h om es ," t hu nd er ed

G ener al P ar d f rom a top his panther . " Chee ky H un devil s! T he ir G ener al H inze lm ann i s a nas ty pie ce of

wo rk , t oo . R id es o n a s na ke , i f y ou c an i ma gi ne i t! B ea ts h is o wn s ol di er s w it h a s ti ck ; h ea rd h e' s d ar ed

t o u se i t o n h uma ns , t oo ! S ca nd al ou s! A h ef ty r ewa rd t o a ny f ai ry t ha t d is po se s o f t hi s v erm in ! No w t ak eyour positions. They're expected by midnight."

T he bat tl e prove d t o be m or e of a s ki rm is h. C le ar ly, G ener al H inze lm ann w as f ee li ng out t he f ai ri es '

s tr en gt h. H e h ad s up er io r n um be rs , m or e i nf an tr y t ha n c av al ry a nd f ew a rc he rs , b ut t he y w er e s cr aw ny

bastards. A stick-thin kobold on a weasel, who barely looked able to hold his own shield, managed to

break Mustardseed's spear in a brief but fierce tussle. The others she fought with showed the same

intense determination: physically weak, but fueled by obvious desperation.

T he hedge hog a rm or did c onsi de ra bl e dam age t o t he ir l ine, unt il H inze lm ann him se lf r at tl ed t he ner ve of

t he p ri ck ly c re at ur es a s h e s li th er ed b y o n a h ug e s na ke a nd l ai d a bo ut h im w it h a g re at , w al lo pi ng s ti ck .

M us ta rd se ed t ri ed g et ti ng n ea r t he e ne my l ea de r, b ut s oo n h ad t o a ba nd on h er p la ns . O ne o f t he k ob ol d

c ol on el s a t al l f el lo w, v er y d ar k b lu e a nd w ea ri ng a w ei rd b la ck f el t c ap l ed h is d iv is io n i n a c le ve r

f ei nt on t he r ight s ide, c ut ti ng off a doz en f ox-r ider s f rom t he m ai n f or ce , P ea se bl os som a mong t he m.


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F or tunat el y, t he c om ma nde r of t he owl - ri de rs i mm edi at el y s ent a ir s uppor t. M us t ar ds e ed s purr e d M r.

To d i nt o t he f ra y, f ol lo we d b y o th er c av al ry . Sh e ma na ge d a s wi ng a t t he c le ve r c ol on el , b ut h is b ea st , a

pine marten with a striking orange patch on its breast, turned aside just in time. He had the effrontery to

t ip h is c ap a nd g rin a t h er , h is te et h wh it e u nd er a n ea tl y t ri mm ed b la ck mu st ach e. Th e t id e o f b att le s oo n

s ep ar at ed t he m, a nd t he s ur ro un de d f ox -r id er s b ro ke o ut o f t he t ra p w it h m in im al l os se s.

F or tuna te ly f or t he f ai ry a rm y, H inze lm ann pul le d his t roops bac k t o r egroup f or a nother a ss ault .

M us ta rd se ed , P ea se bl os so m, a nd C ob we b d ow ne d m ug s o f n ec ta r a nd a ss es se d t he d am ag es . " No t

g oo d, " C ob we b s ai d. " So me o f t he ir o ff ic er s h av e l it tl e b lu e s to ne s e mb ed de d i n t he ir l ea th er c oa ts . I s aw

t wo p er fe ct ly g oo d s ho ts g la nc e o ff t he c ur se d t hi ng s. I wa s h op in g t o t ak e o ut th e m an ia c o n t he s na ke ."

" Th e g uy in t he c ap 's a b ig ge r da ng er ," Mu sta rd see d s ai d. "I s aw h im b ri ng d ow n an ow l w it h a d ag ger i n

t he e ye , a nd h e n ea rl y d es tr oy ed B lo ss om 's p la to on . H e' s f as t e no ug h . . . W ha t' s t ha t? "

B ut s he k ne w t oo w el l wh at i t w as . Sh ri ll p ip in g f il le d t he s ky a nd d ar k s ha do ws p la ye d a cro ss t he

m oon. C obwe b, w it hout hes it at ing, l oose d t wo s hots i n s uc ce ss ion. A r er em ous e f el l t o t he ground,t wi tc hi ng unt il M us ta rdse ed s li t i ts t hr oa t. I ts f el lows s hr ie ke d i n prote st , a nd t he f ai ri es ' c am p w as

instantly filled with combat.

R er em ic e, h ow ev er v ic io us , a re n' t g oo d a t c oo rd in at in g a tt ac ks , a nd s oo n f le w o ff . B ut , t o t he f ai ri es '

hor ror, t he y w er e hea di ng f or O be ron' s G la de w he re t he c ivil ia ns w er e hiding.

" Th er e' s n o h el p f or i t," La dy Q ui ll s ho ut ed f ro m t he b ac k o f h er m as si ve o wl . " Wh at u se f ig ht in g t he

k ob ol ds i f a ll o ur l ov ed o ne s p er is h u nd er v il e f an gs ? O nw ar d! "

T he o wl s t oo k f li gh t a nd t he f ox es , m an y d ou bl e- bu rd en ed w it h a rc he rs , l ea pe d o ve r t he f ie ld s. " Ba d,

v er y b ad ," M us ta rd se ed s ai d o ve r h er s ho ul de r t o W eb by . " Ev en i f w e b ea t t he b at s, t he k ob ol ds wi llpour down from the hills onto us."

" Fi rs t t hi ng s f ir st ," s ai d C ob we b. " He y, L ad y Q ui ll 's o wl j us t n ai le d t wo o f t he b ug ge rs ! B ut w ha t' s t ha t i n

t he g la de ? T ha t c an 't b e M ot h! "

T he d im in ut iv e g re y f ai ry w as s ma ck in g a d ow ne d r er em ou se w it h a b ro om . S he l oo ke d f ur io us , h er

a nt enna e s ti cking s tr ai ght up. O ther r er em ic e w er e f la pping i n t he s ky a bove t he gla de , e ngaging t he

owl -r ider s i n c om ba t. C obwe b a nd her f el low a rc he rs i mm edia te ly s ta rt ed s hoot ing, bri nging m or e

leathery-winged demons down.

M us ta rd se ed l oo ke d a bo ut i n a ma ze me nt . S av e M ot h, t he g la de w as e mp ty . " Wh er e i s e ve ry bo dy ?"

" In t he c av es ." M ot h g av e t he c or ps e o ne m or e w ha ck . " Gh os h f ou nd a t un ne l l as t w ee k w hi le d ig gi ng ,

l ea di ng t o e no rm ou s c av es . R oo m f or a ll , a nd w e c an b lo ck t he e nt ra nc e u nt il t he se c re at ur es l ea ve . I

s ta ye d t o s ho w y ou t he wa y."

G en er al P ar d' s p an th er p ul le d u p j us t i n t im e t o h ea r M ot h' s n ew s. " Wo nd er fu l! A nd e ve n m or e

w onde rf ul : l ook, w e' ve bea te n t he m bac k, a nd t he y' re hea di ng f or t he kobolds ! T he y' ll get w ha t' s c om ing

to them!"

S om et hi ng t wi st ed i n M us ta rdse ed's s toma ch. " Be gging your par don, s ir , but I dis agre e. N o i nt el li ge nt

beings deserve to die under the reremice's fangs and claws. The kobolds, for all that they attacked our

l an ds , a re a c ul tu re d p eo pl e w it h a s en se o f h on or ." T he i ma ge o f t he k ob ol d c ol on el t ip pi ng h is a bs ur d


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c ap c am e u nb id de n t o h er m in d. " Do y ou t hi nk th e Q ue en wo ul d l ea ve a ny t hi nk in g r ac e t o s uc h a f at e? "

T he g en er al , w ho r ev er ed T it an ia , h ad t he d ec en cy t o b lu sh . " Wh at w ou ld y ou h av e u s d o, t he n? I nv it e

t he devil s t o s ha re our s anct ua ry?"

" Ye s, " M us ta rd se ed s ai d b lu nt ly . " I a m w il li ng t o r id e t o t he ir c am p u nd er a f la g o f t ru ce a nd d ir ec t t he m

t o t he c av es . Er , wh er e a re t he y, M ot h? "

Sh e p oi nt ed . " Ne ar t he t al le st b ir ch i n t ha t g ro ve , j us t u nd er t he o ut cr op o f r oc ks t ha t r es emb le s a r ed

c ra b. I l ef t G ho sh 's b uc ke t n ea r t he e nt ra nc e a s a s ig n. "

" I m us t c onfe r w it h Q ui ll ," m um bl ed P ar d, ges turi ng t ow ar ds t he a ir pat rol, w hi ch w as c om ing i n f or i ts

landing.

" Do i t q ui ck ly . S ir ." M us ta rd se ed 's s ha rp e ar s c au gh t h oa rs e c ri es f ro m t he k ob ol ds ' c am p.

M om en ts l at er , M r. T od a nd e ve ry o th er a va il ab le f ox w er e b ou nd in g t hr ou gh t he f or es t a ga in . T hebeasts were tired, but somehow picked up energy as they neared the fray. Foxes loathed reremice.

T he re wa sn 't a ny t im e t o p re se nt t he f la g o f t ru ce i n a ny f or ma l w ay . Th e k ob ol ds we re b ac ke d u p i n a

s ol id m as s, d ef en di ng a c lu st er o f w ag on s. M us ta rd se ed h ea rd t in y k ob ol ds w ai li ng o ve r t he d in o f b at tl e.

The fairies charged.

M us ta rd se ed g li mp se d t he f ac e o f C ol on el C ap , w ho w as d ir ec ti ng t he d ef en se : h e c le ar ly t ho ug ht t he

f ai ri es had c om e t o pol is h his m en off , a nd r egis te re d c om pl et e c roggle me nt w he n he s aw T it ania 's F ines t

w ha li ng i nt o t he b at s. T he n s he h ad t o c on ce nt ra te o n i mp al in g r er em ic e, h av in g p ic ke d u p a n ew s pe ar i n

c am p. S he t ur ne d t hr ee i nt o s hi sh ka bo bs b ef or e g et ti ng c lo se t o t he k ob ol d d ef en de rs a ga in .

T he r er em ic e h ad f ig ur ed o ut t ha t t he m os t d ef en se le ss m or se ls w er e i n t he w ag on s, a nd w er e

dive- bombing t he m i n t he ir hapha za rd f as hi on. M us ta rdse ed w at ched i n a st onis hm ent a s t he c ol onel 's

pine marten hurled itself into the air and snapped a reremouse in half while its rider cleaved another. But

t he n t he c ol on el 's l uc k f ai le d; a b ro wn s tr ea k w hi zz ed a t h is h ea d a nd l on g c la ws r ak ed t hr ou gh t he b la ck

h ai r. T he f el t c ap f le w o ff , a nd t he k ob ol d n ea rl y l os t h is s ea t. T he r er em ou se p iv ot ed i n a ir , r ea dy in g

a no th er a tt ac k. M us ta rd se ed h ea ve d h er s pe ar . . . a nd c on ne ct ed .

T wo m or e o f t he m on st er s t ri ed g et ti ng i nt o t he w ag on , i ts c an va s c ov er t or n t o s hr ed s. M us ta rd se ed

gli mpse d s ma ll , f ri ghte ne d blue f ac es w it hi n, a nd m aneuve re d M r. T od i n bet we en t he w agon a nd t he

r er emi ce . Sh e f en de d o ff o ne w it h h er s wo rd , b ut w he n s he t ur ne d t o c ha ll en ge t he s ec on d, s he s aw t hei nj ur ed k ob ol d h ad a lr ea dy d is pa tc he d i t. B lo od d ri pp in g d ow n h is f ac e, h e l oo ke d a ro un d w il dl y f or

m or e e ne mi es . B ut t he f ai ry r ei nf or ce me nt s had dri ve n t he m off , a t l ea st f or t he m om ent.

" Wher e' s H inze lm ann? " M us ta rdse ed a sked him .W he re had t ha t dar n w hi te f la g gone? O h, w el l. "W e' ve

c om e t o l ea d y ou r p eo pl e t o s af et y. We h av e a r ef ug e i n t he r id ge , d ow n b y t ha t g la de ."

T he k ob ol d s ho ok h is h ea d, h op in g t o c le ar i t a nd n ot s uc ce ed in g. " He rr G en er al H in ze lm an n i s

w ou nd ed . I c om ma nd ." H e l oo ke d a bo ut , d is ma ye d. " Di e F le de rm u se . . . "

" Ye s, t he y' ll b e b ac k s oo n. S o l et 's g et u nd er gr ou nd a nd wo rr y a bo ut t he d et ai ls l at er , C ol on el . . . "

H e d re w h im se lf u p, p at te d t he n ec k o f h is e xh au st ed m ar te n. " H de ke n. S o- ca ll ed f or m y l it tl e h at ,

w he re ve r i t i s. " H e b ow ed .


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T he re 's s om et hi ng i nc re di bl y a ppea li ng a bout s uc h digni ty i n t he f ac e of dis as te r. A nd t ha t m us ta che!

" Yo u' ll n ee d a n ew c ap . T ha t o ne 's b ee n h ab er da sh ed t o p ie ce s. L et 's g o. "

* * *

" Wh o w ou ld h av e t ho ug ht i t w ou ld h av e w or ke d o ut s o w el l? " s ai d W eb by . P ea se bl os so m w as a ga int hr ow ing a nother bas h, t hi s t im e f or W ebby's i mm inent r et ur n t o a rc he ry t ra ining. S he w as i n r os e s il ks ,

w hi ch m at ched her f la wl es s c om pl exion, w hi le M us ta rdse ed w as not onl y c la d i n s il ve r but had t he

jewelry to complement it.

" Wh at , t he k ob ol ds d is co ve ri ng t ha t t ho se c av es g o o n f or m il es a nd c on ta in m or e s il ve r t ha n t he ir o ld

o ne s d id ?" a sk ed P ea se bl os so m, h er h an d s mo ot hi ng t he y ar ds o f l ac e i n h er s ki rt . " An d O be ro n a nd

T it an ia w or ki ng o ut a d ea l w it h t he ir l ea de r? G oo d t hi ng t ha t c ra zy s na ke y g en er al o f t he ir s d ie d o f h is

w ou nd s. F ro m e ve ry th in g I 'v e h ea rd , h e w as t he o ne b eh in d t he i nv as io n. T he o th er f el lo ws i n c ha rg e

s ee m m uc h m or e r ea so na bl e. H er e' s M ot h a nd t he m an o f t he h ou r! L it tl e G ho sh ! A un ty B lo ss om h as a

present for you! A new shovel! Such a good boy deserves anything he wants!" From a diamond-trimmeds at c he l, P ea se bloss om w it hdr ew a gold-ha ndle d s hove l a nd gave i t t o t he c hubby t oddle r.

W ho promptl y t os se d i t a si de . " Don' w anna di g. W anna fish. G o f is hi ng? N ow ?"

M ot h p ic ke d u p G ho sh a nd h an de d h im t o B lo ss om . " Go od b oy d es er ve s a ny th in g h e w an ts ! A un ty w il l

t ak e y ou f is hi ng , f or a w hi le , a ny wa y. H is g ea r i s b y t he d oc ks , P ea se bl os so m. "

P ea se bl os som gul pe d. T he n s he hugge d G hosh. " Al l r ight , l et 's f is h, i f t ha t' s t he l at es t pas si on. A ft er a ll ,

M ot h has a S igni fi ca nt M ee ti ng t onight w it h a c er ta in C apta in T hr os tl e. "

" And i f he doe s n' t pr opose , w e' l lallt hump him ," s ai d M us ta rds ee d. " You know , I 've never l ookedf or wa rd t o a d an ce s o m uc h. " S he s ur ve ye d t he c ro wd o f f ai ri es a nd k ob ol ds , l oo ki ng f or a c er ta in f ig ur e

in black with a cap worn low on his face.

" I' m s urpri se d, " s ai d W ebby. " You'r e a l ousy danc er ."

Th er e h e w as ! He 'd b ea r t he m ar k o f t ho se c la ws f or ev er , b ut a t l ea st t he y we re h ea li ng w it ho ut

in fe ct io n.S he r os e, a nd h e s aw h er , h is s mi le v is ib le d es pi te t he d is ta nc e b et we en t he m. S he t ur ne d t o h er

pals. "I was a lousy dancer. But that was before Hdeken taught me to waltz. Later, girls."

P s yc hed U p

Michael D. Turner

My mom s wo re I'd ou tgro w my to mb oy ph ase. An d s he wo uld te ach me to be a lady o r d ie tryi ng. May

s he r es t i n p ea ce . I t' s n ot t ha t I d id n' t t ry , I j us t d id n' t h av e i t i n m e. I a dm it M om ma m ad e s om e i nr oa ds

before she died, but the compromises were all going my way.

Be in g a s er vi ce b ra t h as a fe w ad va nt ag es , a nd my f ami ly wa s d et er mi ne d t o g et a ll o f t he m f or m e. I n


23/201

f if th g ra de , M om g ot m e i ce s ka te s. W e w er e i n C on ne ct ic ut , a nd s he w as t hi nk in g f ig ur e s ka ti ng . W e

c om pr omi se d o n P ee W ee Ho ck ey . Th e n ex t y ea r i n Ha wa ii , I g ot h ul a l es so ns . A nd s ta rt ed k ar at e.

Th en Mo m d ie d, a nd wh il e I w as s ho ok u p, I g ot t hr ou gh i t, a nd m y e du ca ti on a nd d ep or tm en t f el l t o my

d ad . An d D ad dy h ad s om e d if fe re nt i de as . Da d i s i n t he Na vy , a nd d oe s s ome th in g t ha t i nv ol ve s a l ot o f

s wi mm in g a nd j um pi ng o ut o f a ir pl an es a nd o th er s tu ff I d on 't t al k a bo ut . A nd h e t hi nk s e ve ry on e o ug ht

t o b e a bl e t o " ta ke c ar e o f t he ms el ve s. "

H e' s a g re at d ad . He 's t ak en me s ky di vi ng a nd s cu ba d iv in g. H e t au gh t me t o s ho ot a nd s wi m a nd r un .

He d id n ot t ea ch me to d riv e b ut had a fr ie nd i n t he s ec ret ser vi ce d o i t. He en co ura ge d me t o k eep at

m ar ti al a rt s, a nd w he n he' s a round w e l if t w ei ghts t oget he r.

H e f inal ly r em ar ri ed w he n I w as a j unior i n high s chool. T o a nic e F il ipino- Ha wa ii an gir l a bout e ight yea rs

o ld er t ha n me a nd s he i s l ik e my b ig s is te r. An d h er da d is my mai n ma rti al ar ts in str uct or , whi ch i s h ow

they met anyway.

Al l t his i s k in d o f a l on g ro ad t o t ell y ou h ow I e nd ed u p b ei ng th e M is tr ess o f M ay he m. Th at' s myprofessional name and it's the name of my website. I got out of high school and was not ready for college

a nd n ee de d t o ma ke a l iv in g. I t ri ed e xo ti c d an ci ng a nd t ha t p ai d th e r en t b ut i t w as a r ea l d ra g d ea li ng

wi th t he a -- ho le s, e sp ec ia ll y t he o ne s wh o r an t he c lu bs . S o I me t t hi s g uy wh o d es ig ne d w eb si te s, a nd i t

was a lot eas ier an d paid b etter a nd so I lau nch ed my care er. I ca me up with th e theme myse lf, so I g uess

I ha ve n o on e els e to bl ame.

I kn ew my dad rea lly d idn't wa nt me being a porno q ueen on the web . Mo stly 'cause of all the flak he'd

g et f ro m g uy s o n b as e. So wh at I ca me u p wi th wa s "Mi st re ss o f M ayh em," wh ic h was t hi s th in g wh ere I

d id a l ot o f p ho to s ho ot s w it h m e w ea ri ng t he se c os tu me s o f a rm or o r l ea th er a nd t hi ng s, u su al ly h ol di ng

w ea po ns , i n s et ti ng s a ll o ve r C al if or ni a a nd a ls o d ow n i n B aj a. I t d id n' t s ta rt o ff a ll t ha t w el l m on ey -w is e

un til Fredd y, that 's my web g uy, tal ked me int o g etting a boo b job. So a ni ce p air of B's got turn ed into ac ou pl e o f r at he r f ul l D' s a nd t he mo ne y j us t p ou re d i n. Be st t en g ra nd I e ve r s pe nt .

An yw ay a c ou pl e o f mo nt hs a go w e g ot i nt o s tre ami ng v id eo . Yo u k no w, a b un ch o f p ic tu re s t ak en i n

s eque nc e a ut om at ic al ly. A nd I s ta rt ed s ta gi ng t he se f ai rl y e la bora te " ba tt le s, " usual ly w it h one of t he guys

I k no w w ho 's i nt o t he l oc al r ee na ct me nt s ce ne . Th e b at tl es a re f un t o d o, a nd t he s uc ke rs , a h

s ubsc ri be rs , r ea ll y dig t he m. I usual ly pre re cord t he m a nd pla y t he m w it h m y c ol or c om me nt ar y l ike a

s po rt s e ve nt o n my l iv e s ho ws o nc e a w ee k. An d I h av e t hi s wh ol e p er so na t hi ng g oi ng w it h it . I t wo rk s

r ea ll y w el l, w hi ch i s how I 'm buying a house i n s outher n C al if or ni a a s a t we nt y- ye ar -old s el f- em pl oyed

dilettante.

S o l as t n ig ht I' m d oi ng my s ho w, a nd i t' s g oi ng o ve r r ea lly g oo d. I h av e a bo ut f or ty s ub sc ri be rs o n, a nd

a t l ea st t hr ee n ew o ne s. I 'm s pi nn in g t he s to ry wi th cl ip s o ff my CD , a nd t he n ew b at tl e i s j us t k ic ki ng . I t' s

e as il y t he b es t t hi ng I 'v e e ve r g ot te n o n d is c. Er ic , t ha t' s t he g uy I 'm f ig ht in g, i s h ug e, h ai ry a nd r ea ll y

m us cu la r, a nd h e' s a ls o a t he at er m aj or a t U CS D w ho 's i nt o m ov ie c ho re og ra ph y a nd w e w or ke d t hi s

t hi ng o ut r ea ll y w el l. He 's a ll i n l ea th er a nd I 'v e g ot my c ha in ma il n ot hi ng o n, wh ic h i s r ea ll y j us t a c ou pl e

o f d an ce b el ts o ve r m y s ho ul de rs a nd c ro ss in g b et we en m y b oo bs , w it h a m ai l a nd e la st ic t ho ng . I t' s m y

s ubsc ri be rs ' f avor it e a nd m or e c om fort able t ha n m os t of m y out fi ts .

An d t hi s b at tl e l oo ks r ea ll y g oo d, I m ea n r ea l. E ri c t os se s m e a ro un d t he s an d ( we w er e a t a b ea ch n ea r

t he L it tl e S ur r iv er ) a nd I 'm w ha li ng o n h im . H e u se d a c ou pl e o f b lo od c ap s j us t l ik e i n w re st li ng , a nd ,

m an , wh en w e g ot t he re t he v ie we rs j us t w en t w il d. I 'm d oi ng r ea l w el l o n t he c om me nt at in g a nd t he

s ho w i s j us t g oi ng g re at .


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On e o f t he n ewb ie s i s r ea ll y g oin g o n a bo ut t hi s, l ik e s he ( on ly a bo ut t en p er ce nt o f my c ust om er s ar e

f em al e, b ut t he y a re a v er y l oy al t en p er ce nt ) t hi nk s t hi s i s r ea l. W el l, t ha t' s w ha t l iv e s ho ws a re s up po se

t o b e l ik e, s o I 'm l ea di ng o n l ik e, " We ll , y es , th is i s wh at I d o. " An d s he 's a sk in g l ik e w ha t d o I c ha rg e f or

r es cu es ? A nd I 'm t hi nk in g s he 's g iv in g m e a c om e- on a nd t ha t' s c oo l. I t' s p ar t o f t he b us in es s a nd

besides, it's a good lead, 'cause in the next clip I finish trouncing Eric. Then my friend Morgen, who's

s pe nt t he w ho le c li p r ec li ne d o n t he d un e b eh in d u s c ry in g a nd c he er in g w hi le w ea ri ng a n a nk le t a nd a

h ea d b an d, g et s t o " re wa rd " m e w it h a l it tl e s of t c or e g ir l- gi rl a ct io n. N ot hi ng t oo h ar d, a nd I n ev er m in de d d oi ng t he g ir l s tu ff . M or ge n u se d t o d an ce w it h m e a t t he s tr ip c lu bs .

So I m ad e s om e f lu ff c om me nt a bo ut wo rk in g i t o ut wi th t he r es cu ee I s we ar t o Go ds I d on 't

r em em be r e xa ct ly w ha t I s ai d, t ho ug h I c ou ld p la y i t b ac k. T he n t hi s n ew bi e t yp es i n, " It 's a b ar ga in !"

T he re 's t hi s s hi mm er ing l ight , a nd a ll of a s udde n

I 'm h er e. L oo ki ng a t t hi s c hi ck i n a s ee -t hr ou gh s il k b at hr ob e w ho 's l oo ki ng a t m e l ik e I 'm t he p re si de nt

o r s om et hi ng . S he 's m ay be e ig ht ee n, p et it e b ut f il le d o ut , a nd s he i s s ta nd in g o ve r w ha t l oo ks l ik e a

m ar bl e a lt ar c ov er ed w it h w iz ar d' s g ea r a nd a m ag ic m ir ro r. I t t ak es m e a m in ut e b ut f in al ly I r ea li ze i tisa

m ar bl e a lt ar c over ed i n w iz ar d' s gea r. W it h a m agic m ir ror.

Be fo re I c an a sk t he s ev en h un dr ed s tu pi d q ue st io ns g ua ra nt ee d t o ma ke me l oo k l ik e a m or on , s he

s pr in gs f or wa rd a nd d ro ps to h er k ne es , c la sp in g my s wo rd h an d i n b ot h o f h er s a nd k is si ng i t. "O h t ha nk

y ou , mi gh ty w ar ri or , f or c ha mp io ni ng m y c au se , f or s ur el y I n ee d a c ha mp io n i n t hi s d ar k h ou r. "

I f s he 'd s ai d t hi s w it h a ny th in g l es s t ha n t ot al s in ce ri ty w it h m or e t ha n a t ou ch o f d es pe ra ti on , I 'd h av e

l au gh ed i n h er f ac e a nd bl own t he wh ole g ig . Bu t I ma na ged to s et my f ace i nt o wh at my d ad ca ll ed a

" mi ss io n f ac e" a nd m y d ra ma t ea ch er c al le d a " st er n c ou nt en an ce " a nd s ai d i n a l ev el v oi ce , " Ju st w ha t i s

y ou r c ur re nt a h . . . p ro bl em ?"

" Th e w ic ke d l or d o f W ie rd ma rk , J oh n t he B as ta rd 's g et , h as c ha ll en ge d m y r ig ht t o r ul e f ro m t he t hr on eo f Gh eml an . An d to mor ro w I mu st s en d fo rt h a ch amp io n t o me et h is a nd c on te st h is cl ai m. An d I h av e

n one s o mig ht y as t o be a ble t o b es t h is ch amp io n, wh o is b esp ell ed to b e in vi nc ibl e to a ll i n s in gle

combat!" she replied.

Th at d id n' t s ou nd t oo g oo d. An d i t d id n ot e xp la in h ow I 'd b ec om e i nv ol ve d. Ok ay , s o I h ad s ome

s tr on g s us pi ci on s. I wa nt ed t o h ea r i t o ut l ou d a nd f ro m s ome on e wh o b el ie ve d i t. Th at w ay m ay be I

could too. So I figured to brazen it out until I got my feet under me.

"An d ho w," I a ske d in what I h ope d wa s a calm an d stee ly vo ice , "di d yo u come to c hoo se me as yo ur .

. . c ha mpion? "

" Wh en n o o ne o f m y l oy al s ub je ct s c am e f or th w ho I t ho ug ht c ou ld b es t J oh n' s c ha mp io n, I a ss em bl ed

my l at e mo th er 's ma gi ca l a pp ar at us t o s ee if i t wo ul d o ff er s ome h op e. I u se d h er ma gi c mi rr or t o s cr y t he

n ea re r d im en si on s. T he re I s pi ed y ou r c om ba t w it h t he h ai ry b ru te , a nd p er ce iv ed y ou r s pe ll s s en t o ut t o

promote yourself as a sort of mystical champion. I followed the mystic threads from your image to the far

place wherein you dwell, and using nearly all my mother's stores of magic power did summon you to me

o nc e y ou h ad a gr ee d t o m y b ar ga in ," t he p ri nc es s f ai rl y b lu rt ed .

G re at , I t ho ug ht t o m ys el f, s he t hi nk s I 'v e a lr ea dy a gr ee d. T er ri fi c. B et te r n ot g et i n t oo d ee p.

" Yo u' re m is ta ke n, I 'm a fr ai d. W ha t y ou s aw w as m er e e nt er ta in me nt . I t' s h ow I m ak e m y l iv in g. I r ec or d

mock ba ttles and p lay the m out with a l ittle sex o n t he side so my sub scrib ers can ge t th eir, er . . . So

t he y c an e nj oy t he s pe ct ac le . I a m a p er fo rm er , n ot s om e s or t o f c os mi c d ue li st . My r ep ly wa s p ar t o f my


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a ct . I t ho ug ht y ou w er e o ne o f my s ub sc ri be rs ." Th er e, p ut i t a ll o ut f ro nt . N ow t ha t s he u nd er st oo d h er

mi st ak e s he c ou ld s en d me h om e a nd g o b ac k t o l oo ki ng f or a r ea l c ha mp io n.

Th e p ri nc es s l oo ke d l ik e s he w as g oi ng t o c ry . I t ri ed t o h ea d t ha t o ff .

" So rr y a bo ut t he c on fu si on b ut I r ea ll y c an 't h el p y ou . So j us t s en d m e b ac k a nd y ou c an g et o n wi th

y ou r s cr yi ng o ut a r ea l c ha mp io n. " I w as g oi ng f or n on ch al an t a nd m is se d i t p re tt y w id e, I 'd g ue ss .

T ea rs w er e s tr ea mi ng d ow n t he y ou ng w om an 's c he ek s. I c ou ld t el l s he w as r ea ll y u ps et . A nd t ot al ly a t a

loss.

" B- bu t I c an 't s en d y ou b ac k, i t t oo k a ll my m ot he r' s m ag ic t o g et y ou h er e. I t w il l t ak e d ay s t o r ep la ce

a ll t ha t a nd s en d y ou b ac k. A nd t he c ha ll en ge i s t omo rr ow ! A nd t he n I 'l l b e d es ti tu te a nd wo n' t b e a bl e t o

a ff or d t o s en d y ou b ac k a nd , a nd , a nd y ou a gr ee d! W e h av e a m ys ti ca l c on tr ac t. Y ou c an 't b ac k o ut !"

S he w as wa il in g n ow, t ea rs i n g us he s a nd e ye s g et ti ng a ll p uf fy .

N ow I 'v e n ev er b ee n mu ch o f a c ri er . I d on 't r eme mb er u si ng t ea rs o n m y f ol ks b ut t he y wo ul d h av ebeen unimpressed with them. But I've never had to deal with them either. I felt so bad! I mean really.

And I h ad ag re ed , I gu ess . An d s he lo ok ed so h elp le ss an d u pse t an d all .

So I sa id, "Wh at exa ctly d oe s t his ch all eng e enta il? I mean what d o I hav e to do an d wh o do I h ave to

d o i t t o? A nd w he n? "

" The c ha ll enge i s t om or row noon. A s ingl e c om ba t, t ra di ti onal ly w it h s words t hough you m ay use a ny

h an d w ea po n. T o d ea th o r s ur re nd er , w it h m er cy d ep en da nt o n t he o pp on en t' s w hi m. Y ou w il l f ig ht

U rs us R ed be ar d, L or d J oh n' s c ha mp io n. " T he p ri nc es s w as d ry in g u p s om e.

" An d j us t h ow g oo d i s t hi s U rs us ? H ow m uc h e xp er ie nc e d oe s h e h av e? "

" He h as f ou gh t a h al f d oz en d ue ls a s a j ud ic ia l c ha mp io n, a nd wi th h ig h f ee , t il l wo rd o f h is b es pe ll me nt

s pr ea d. S in ce t ha t t im e a ll w ho w er e f ac ed w it h a c ha ll en ge f ro m h is c li en ts h av e c ap it ul at ed t he ir c as es ,

r at he r t ha n f ac e a c er ta in l os s. "

" Ca n you s how m e his l as t f ight ?" L ooki ng a round t he s tone w al ls a nd e mbroider ed t apes tr ie s f il li ng t he

c ha mber I s ta rt ed t hi nking M GM 's Robin H ood. P r oba bl y not.

B ut t he p ri nc es s s ur pr is ed m e. " My m ot he r' s m ir ro r c an d is pl ay a ll h is b ou ts . B ut t o w ha t p ur po se ? Y ou

h av e s ai d y ou a re n o c ha mp io n! "

I s en se d a no th er b ou t o f t ea rs c om in g o n. I m ov ed t o h ea d t he m o ff .

" No w l oo k h er e. L oo k a t m e. Do I l oo k l ik e s om e s of t a ct re ss f op ? T he se m

Esther M. Friesner - Chicks 05 - Turn the Other Chick

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