Entire Spamalot Script
95
Spamalot [Intro music. Curtain almost-rises, The Historian appears, behind him a map of Britain.] Historian: England, 932 A.D. A kingdom divided. To the West, the Anglo-Saxons. To the East, the French. Above, nothing but Celts and some people from Scotland. In Guinard, Palace, and Difford, plague. In the kingdoms of Wessex, Sussex, Essex and Kent, plague. In Mercia, and the two Anglias, plague, with a 50% chance of pestilence and famine coming out of the Northeast at twelve miles per hour. Legend tells us of an extrodanairy leader who arose from the chaos to unite a troubled kingdom. A man with a vision, who gathered knights together in a Holy Quest. This man was Arthur, King of the Britons, for this was England! [Curtain rises, revealing a lot of people dressed up as Finnish people with fish in their hands, performs a dance. The music starts.] COMPANY: Finland, Finland, Finland That's the country for me! (VARIOUS ANIMAL NOISES) MAYOR: Finland is the country where we dance Finland is the country where we play Here in Finland boy and girl can find a true romance In traditional Scandinavian vay! ALL: Schlip! Schlap! MAYOR: Schlip-a-schlap-a vay ALL: 1
-
Upload
sarah-elizabeth -
Category
Documents
-
view
487 -
download
103
Transcript of Entire Spamalot Script
Spamalot [Intro music. Curtain almost-rises, The Historian appears, behind him a map of Britain.]
Historian:England, 932 A.D. A kingdom divided. To the West, the
Anglo-Saxons. To the East, the French. Above, nothing but Celts and some people from Scotland. In Guinard, Palace, and Difford, plague. In the kingdoms of Wessex, Sussex, Essex and Kent, plague. In Mercia, and the two Anglias,
plague, with a 50% chance of pestilence and famine coming out of the Northeast at twelve miles per hour. Legend tells us of an extrodanairy leader who arose from the chaos to unite a troubled kingdom. A man with a vision, who gathered knights together in a Holy Quest. This man was Arthur, King of the Britons, for this was England!
[Curtain rises, revealing a lot of people dressed up as Finnish people with fish in their hands, performs a dance. The music starts.]
COMPANY: Finland, Finland, FinlandThat's the country for me!
(VARIOUS ANIMAL NOISES)
MAYOR:Finland is the country where we danceFinland is the country where we play
Here in Finland boy and girl can find a true romanceIn traditional Scandinavian vay!
ALL:Schlip! Schlap!
MAYOR:Schlip-a-schlap-a vay
ALL:Schlip! Schlap!
MAYOR:Schlap away all day
ALL:Schlip! Schlap!
MAYOR:
1
You simply can't go wrongVith traditional fish-schlapping song
ALL:Finland, Finland, Finland
MEN:The country where I quite want to be
SOLOIST 1:Pony trekking-
SOLOIST 2:Or camping-
ALL:Or just watching TV
Finland, Finland, FinlandThat's the country for me.
HISTORIAN (spoken):I said, "England."
COMPANY (spoken in tandem):What? Oh, sorry, sorry about that.
[Fade out – Then fade in. A line of monks are walking across the stage, chanting. Every few seconds they bang the boards they are carrying against their heads.]
Monks:Sacrosanctus Domine
Pecavi ignoviuntIuesus Christus DominePax vobiscum venerunt
[The monks exit the stage. A door is opened at the back of the stage and out comes King Arthur, "riding a horse" on the stage, with his servant Patsy riding behind him. He is not really riding a horse, but pretends to, while Patsy is banging cocoanuts to make the noise.]
Arthur ("Riding" in place):Steady… And… Over we go (The "Horse" jumps over an
obstacle). Well taken, Patsy. (The horse prefirms various riding tricks) And… woooooow! (The horse stops. Arthur dismounts) Very good. (He calls to the right end of the stage, where a wall of a castle stands, with a window. There is another wall on the left side of the stage).
Hello? Hello?
2
[A guard appears at the window]
Guard 1:Who goes there?
Arthur (sings):I am Arthur, king of the Britons, lord and ruler of all.
Of England and Scotland and even tiny little bits of Gall.
Guard 1:And I'm the emperor of Norway, bugger off.
Patsy (sings):He is Arthur, king of the Britons, and we are out seeking
men. Very strong men and very able-
Arthur (sings):To sit at our very-very-very round table.
Guard 1:What is it that you want?
Arthur:I'm looking for men.
Guard 1:I had a feeling…
Arthur:We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in
search of knights to joint me in my court at Camelot. I must speak to your lord and master.
Guard 1:What, ridden on a horse?
Arthur:Yes.
Guard 1:You're using cocoanuts!
Arthur:What?
Guard 1:You've got two empty halves of coconuts and you're
banging them together.
Arthur:
3
So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered thisland, through the kingdom of Mercea. Through-
Guard 1:Where did you get the cocoanuts?
Arthur:We found them.
Guard 1:Found them? In Mercea. The coconut's tropical!
ARTHUR:What do you mean?
Guard 1:Well, this is a temperate zone.
ARTHUR:The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house
martin or the plover may seek warmer lands in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land.
Guard 1:Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
ARTHUR:Not at all. They could be carried.
Guard 1:What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
ARTHUR:It could grip it by the husk...
GUARD 1:It's not a question of where he grips it, It's a simplequestion of weight ratios. A five-ounce bird could not
hold a one pound coconut.
ARTHUR:Well, it doesn't matter. Will tell your master that
Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here?
GUARD 1:Listen! To maintain air speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings four hundred and ninety three times
every second. right?
ARTHUR:(irritated)
4
Please!
GUARD 1:Am I right?
ARTHUR:I'm not interested.
[A second guard appears in the window of the left sided castle wall]
Guard 2:It could be carried by an African swallow.
Guard 1:Oh yeah, An African swallow may be but not a European
swallow. That's my point.
Guard 2:Oh yeah, I agree with that. Beautiful bird, the African
swallow. Lovely plumage.
Guard 1:The plumage don't change and besides, African swallows
are not my .
Guard 2:Oh yes.
Guard 1:They can bring a cocoanut back anyway.
Arthur:Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at
Camelot??
Guard 2:Wait a minute! Suppose there are two swallows, carrying
it together?
Guard 1:No, they'll have to have it on a line.
Guard 2:It's simple, they'll just use a strap to grip one.
Guard 1:what, waving it under the doors for guiding ?
[Arthur gives up and rides out of the stage].
Guard 2:
5
Who was that then?
Guard 1:That's a king.
Guard 2:How can you tell?
Guard 1:He isn't got shit all over him.
[The guards and the castle walls fade out. The monks are walking again, same chanting, through the stage. Robin's voice is being heard, though at the beginning he is not seen]
Robin:Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead!
[He walks into the stage, with another man who's walking with a carriage with dead people on it. From the other side of the stage comes Lancelot, grabbing Fred's arm. Fred is lying on the ground and Lancelot is dragging him.]
Lancelot (pointing at Fred):Here's one.
Robin:Nine pence.
Fred:I'm not dead.
Robin:What?
Lancelot (searching through his pockets for money and handing it to Robin):
Nothing. Here's your nine pence.
Fred:I'm not dead.
Robin:Here, he says he's not dead.
Lancelot:Yes he is.
Fred (calmly):
6
I'm not.
Robin:He isn't.
Lancelot:Well he'll be soon, he's very ill.
Fred:I'm getting better.
Lancelot (to Fred):You'll be stone dead in a minute.
Robin:I can't take him like that, it's against regulations.
Fred:I don't want to go on the cart.
Lancelot (To Fred):Don't be such a baby!
Robin:I can’t take him!
Fred:I feel fine.
Lancelot:Well, do us a favor.
Robin:I can’t.
Lancelot:Well can't you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't
be long.
Robin:All right, carry him!
[The man walking the cart walks toward Fred and carrying him to put him on the cart. Robin takes the money from Lancelot.]
Lancelot:That's right!
Robin:Make it quick. I have to get to Camelot by six.
7
Lancelot:You're going to Camelot?
Robin:Yes!
Lancelot:What, you got a gig?
Robin:No, I'm going to enlist.
Lancelot:What, as a knight?
Robin:Maybe.
Lancelot:Well, I'll come with you!
Fred (From the shoulder of the cart-man):I'm not dead yet.
Lancelot:
Shut up! (To Robin) I fancy some of that fighting!
Robin (surprised):Oh? There's fighting, is there?
Lancelot:Quite a lot, that's what the job's all about.
Robin:Oh, I see. It's not just dressing up and dancing?
Lancelot:No, it's mostly fighting.
Robin:Oh, good…
Lancelot:I mean, some fights might have a bit of dancing.
Fred (From the top of the cart):I'd like to dance.
Lancelot (turning to Fred, who's rising and standing):
8
Look, you're nor fooling anyone, you know.
Fred:I feel happy! I feel happy! (Start singing)
I am not dead yetI can dance and I can sing
I am not dead yetI can do the highland fling
I am not dead yetNo need to go to bed
No need to call the doctor'Cos I'm not yet dead.
[The five Minstrels are rising up, joining Fred from the cart]
MINSTRELS:He is not yet dead
That's what the geezer saidOh, he's not yet dead
That man is off his headHe is not yet deadPut him back in bed
Keep him off the cart because he's not yet dead.
[Fred start dancing until Lancelot takes a shovel and bangs it into Fred's head. Fred falls down on the ground,
apparently dead.]
MINSTRELS:Well now he's dad
You whacked him on the headSure now he's dead
It makes me just see redYou are such a brute
To murder that old cootYou homicidal bastard, now he's really dead.Who is the knave who put him in his grave
And who needs to manage his anger?
Lancelot:My name is Lancelot
I'm big and strong and hotOccasionally I do
Some things that I should not
ROBIN:I want to be a knight
But I don't like to fightI'm rather scared I mayJust simply run away
9
LANCE: I'll be right with you
Robin through and through and throughSo stick with me and I'll show you what to do
Both:We'll remain good chums
Lancelot:You can teach me how to dance
BOTH:We're going to enlist
ROBIN:I'm Robin
LANCE:And I'm Lance
CHORUS:Oh we're off to war
Because we're not yet deadWe will all enlist
As the Knights that Arthur led
FRED (Rising from the ground): I am coming too
My name will be Sir FredI'll be your musician Cos I'm not yet dead
CHORUS:Oh we're not dead yet
To Camelot we goTo enlist instead
To try and earn some doughAnd so although
We should have stayed in bedWe're going off to war
Because we're not yet dead
LANCE: To killI will
It gives me such a thrill
ROBIN:To sing
And dance
10
And keep an eye on Lance
ALL:We're going off to war
We'll have girlfriends by the score
FRED:We'll be shot by Michael Moore
ALL:Because we're not… yet…
[Lancelot bangs the shovel again into Fred's head, causing him to fall, again, dead on the ground.]
All:Dead! Not yet dead!
[Lance and Robin are sitting on the cart while the Minstrels are walking it across the stage and out, walking in a line. While they are walking, Fred rises again and joins the line out. As they go, Lancelot leads an Army march style chant]
Lancelot:I don't know but it's been said!
Minstrels:I don't know but it's been said!
Lancelot:We're off to war we're not yet dead!
Minstrels:We're off to war we're not yet dead!
Lancelot:Become a knight and you'll go bold!
Minstrels:Become a knight and you'll go bold!
Lancelot:In suspenders and a bra!
Minstrels:In Suspenders… And a bra???
[They all leave the stage. A new scene in being set: On the back of eh stage- a castle. In the front- A man, Dennis, with very dirty clothes is kneeling over the
11
ground, and we can't see his face. King Arthur and Patsy are riding toward him]
Arthur:Old woman-
Dennis Galahad (revealing his face):Man!
Arthur:Man, sorry. (Point towards the castle) What knight lives
at that castle over there?
Dennis Galahad:I'm twenty seven.
Arthur:What?
Dennis Galahad:I'm not old!
Arthur:Well, I can't just call you 'man'.
Dennis (angrily):Well, you could say 'Dennis'!
Arthur:I didn't know you are called Dennis.
Dennis:Well you didn't bother to find out, did you?
Arthur:Look, I'm sorry about the old woman thing, but really
from behind you looked-
Dennis:What I'm objecting to is you automatically treating me
like an inferior.
Arthur:Well I AM king.
Dennis:Oh, king, eh? Very nice. And did you get that? By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the social and
economic differences in our society! If there's EVER going to be any progress-
12
Dennis's mother (enters the stage and coming toward him):Dennis, there's a lot of good mud over there. (Notices
Arthur and Patsy) oh, how do you do?
Arthur:How do you do, good lady?
[Dennis's mother stops, noticing he is a good looking King]
Dennis's mother:Oh, how do you do? I'm MRS Galahad, widowed mother of Dennis. (Walks towards Arthur) Now dropped dead last
Tuesday, which does leaved me sadly available.
Arthur:I'm Arthur, king of the Britons.
Dennis's mother:King of the who?
Arthur:The Britons.
Dennis's mother:Who are the Britons?
Arthur:Well, we all are. We're all Britons and I am your king.
Dennis's mother:I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.
DENNISYou're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship,
A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes-
Dennis's mother:There you are, bringing class into it again ...
DENNIS:That's what it's all about ... If only -
ARTHUR:Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who is your
lord?
Dennis's mother:
13
We don't have a lord.
Dennis: We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune, we take it in turns
to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.
ARTHURYes.
DENNIS... But all the decision of that officer ...
ARTHURYes, I see.
DENNIS... must be approved at a bi-weekly meeting by a simple
majority in the case of purely internal affairs.
ARTHURBe quiet!
DENNIS... but a two-thirds majority ...
ARTHUR Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
Dennis's mother:Order, ey? Who does he thinks he is?
Arthur: I am your king!
Dennis's mother:Well, I didn't vote for you.
Arthur:You don't vote for kings.
Dennis's mother:Well, so how did you become a king, then?
Arthur:Well, I'll tell you. (Music starts) One day, as I was riding forth from Camelot, I saw a lady in the lake-
Dennis:Dead? (The music stops)
Arthur:
14
No, not dead. She was the lady of the lake! She lives in the lake.
Dennis:What, in the water?
Arthur:Yes.
[Dennis nods to his mother, pointing at Arthur and then making a sign with his hand which means he thinks Arthur is being drinking]
Arthur (The music continues):She appeared to me, out of the bosom of the water, her arm clad in the purest shimmering Semite, held aloft
Excalibur, to signify by Divine Providence ... (He takes out his sword and rises it high) that I, Arthur, was to
carry Excalibur!
Patsy:Excalibur!
Background singing voice:Excalibur!
[The music stops, Arthur returns the sword]
Arthur:And that's why I'm your king.
Dennis (Rises and walking toward Arthur):Listen, strange women lying in ponds, distributing swords is no basis of a system of government! Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from
some farcical aquatic ceremony.
Arthur:It's not an ordinary sword. How many swords do you know,
that have their own names?
[Dennis stares at him]Dennis:
You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
Arthur:Be quiet!
Dennis:If I said I was an Emperor because some
15
moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, people would put me away!
Arthur:You think I would make that up?
Dennis:Soggy old blonds with their backs lying in ponds
Arthur:Since you don't believe me, if I prove to you that the
lady of the lake exists, will you join my army and enlist as a knight?
Dennis:Oh, sure, if she exists I'll join any bloody army. For
the tooth fairy I'll join the navy.
Arthur:Very well, watch this. (music starts as he speaks) oh, lady of the lake, please reveal to this dodging Thomas-
Dennis:Dennis! (His mother nods)
Arthur: Please reveal to this dodging Dennis that you are real.
[Behind disbelieving Dennis and his mother the lake start to light in blue. Dennis doesn't notice it but his mother does. Then a hole is being opened and out coming the lady of the lake, surrounded by her laker girls. Dennis notices her and running to the side of the stage]
Dennis (scared):Oh! Blimey!
{The lady is standing with the back to the audience and her laker girls performs a dance while the music starts. Then she turns around]
Lady of the lake (singing):Come with me, come with me,come with me, sweet Galahad.
You'll be a man, join Arthur's clan,come with me and I will make you Glad.
Galahad, sweet Galahad,be a knight, it's time to take you vow.
(She takes Dennis's hand)If you'll come with me now
I'll show you how.
16
Dennis:Oh wow!
[The lady leads Dennis to the back of the stage, his mother chasing unsuccessfully after them]
Dennis's mother:You leave him alone you watery witch! Dennis, come back!
You'll catch a nasty cold at that pond!
[The laker girls are standing in a line, MRS Galahad can't walk after her son. Arthur approaches the front of the stage]
Arthur:Stand aside please, MRS Galahad, by the lady of the lake
and her laker girls, welcome you son to my army!
[He blows a whistle, and the girls start a cheerleading dance]
Arthur (singing):I am Arthur King of the Britons
And we’re seeking men who are able.And so we’re recruiting Dennis
To sit ant our very, very, very round table.Ready?
Girls: OK!
K.I.N.G.A.R.T.H.
U.R. ArthurK.I.N.G.A.R.T.H.
U.R. ArthurArthur KingArthur King
The biggest ad the coolest thing
Arthur:Who’s the King?
Girls: U.R.
Arthur:Who’s the King?
17
Girls: U.R.
A.R.T.H.U.R. Arthur!Who is next to enlist?
DennisDennis
Patsy:Who is?
Girls and Patsy:Dennis
The Lady of the Lake will make him a manIf she can’t do it- nobody can
Arthur and Patsy:Who will he be?
Girls:G.A.L.A.H.A.D.G…A...L…A…H…A…
Dennis's mother:D!
Patsy:Tonight, king Arthur presents the lady of the lake and
Dennis Galahad!!!
[At the back of the stage appears the lady of the lake on a boat and with her "the new" Dennis Galahad- He is dressed at a knight and has no dirt on him. He is very surprised about that. As they approach with the boat to the front, the music starts and the lights dim]
Dennis (singing):Once in every show
There comes a song like thisIt starts off soft and low And ends up with a kissOh where is the songThat goes like this?
Where is it? Where? Where?
Lady of the lake:A sentimental song
That casts a magic spellThey all will hum alongWe'll overact like hell
For this is the song that goes like this
18
Yes it is! Yes it is!
Dennis:Yes it is!
Now we can go straightRight down the middle eight
A bridge that is too far for me
Lady of the lake:I'll sing it in your face
While we both embrace
Both:And thenWe changeThe key!
Dennis (squeaky voice)Now we're into E!
*hem*(normal) That's awfully high for me
Lady of the lake:But as everyone can see
We should have stayed in D.
Both:For this is our song that goes like this!
Dennis:I'm feeling very proud!
Lady of the lake:You're singing far too loud!
Dennis:That's the way that this song goes
Lady of the lake:You're standing on my toes…
Both:Singing our song that goes like this!
Lady of the lake:I can't believe there's more
Dennis:It's far too long, I'm sure
19
Lady of the lake:That's the trouble with this song
It goes on and on and on
Both:For this is our song that is too long!
*Oh, Jesus Christ god dammit!*
Lady of the lake:We'll be singing this til dawn
Dennis:You'll wish that you weren't born
Lady of the lake:Let's stop this damn refrain
Both:Before we go insane
The song always ends like this!
[As the song ends the lady and her girls disappear, and Dennis is turning around, trying to find out what just happened. The lights are on again, and Arthur and Patsy approach Dennis Galahad]
Arthur:Come, kneel- (Patsy is kneeling) Dennis! (Patsy rises)Come, Dennis, kneel (Putting Excalibur on Galahad's
shoulders). Arise Sir Galahad.
[Galahad rises]Galahad (In perfect English):
Oh, thank you, King Arthur. I am better now.
Patsy:Hey, what happened to you voice?
Galahad:I am talking properly now because I am a knight.
Patsy:Now you're a prat.
Galahad:Now I am in touch with my
Arthur:Come, let us gohorse. (Start "riding")
Dennis:Do what?
20
Arthur: Gohorse!
[He exits on the "horse", Patsy after him. Dennis tries to imitate them but does it stupidly.]
Patsy:Come on, you'll get that thing going…
[They exit the stage. As the historian start speaking, Arthur walks across the stage and stands on the middle. Patsy comes after him.]
Historian:So, King Arthur gathered more knights together,
bringing from all the corners of the Kingdom the strongest and bravest in the land to sit at the Round
Table. The strangely flatulent Sir Bedevere, scientist who first
proved that cocoanuts migrate.
[Sir Bedevere enters after Arthur and stands "behind" him, putting his hand on Arthur shoulders]
Historian:
the dasingly handsome Sir Galahad.
[Galahad walks like Bedevere, putting his hand on Bedevere's shoulder and waving his hair like a model]
Historian:the homicidally brave Sir Lancelot,
[Lancelot follows Galahad, but putting his hand in Galahad's arm. Galahad looks at him and Lancelot quickly put his hand on Galahad's shoulder]
Historian:
Sir Robin the Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Lancelot, who slew the vicious Chicken of Bristol and who
personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill.
[Robin comes after Lancelot, showing a rubber chicken he is holding]
Historian:And the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-show.
[Sir not-appearing-in-this-show comes, and hurries to exit]
21
Sir-not-appearing-in-this-show:Sorry…
HISTORIAN (music starts): Together they formed a band whose names
and deeds were to be retold throughout the Centuries... The Knights of the Round Table.
ALL:All for oneOne for allAll for one
And one for all
BEDEVERE: Some for some
GALAHAD: None for none
ROBIN: Slightly less for people we don't like
LANCELOT:And a little bit more for me
ALL:All round this Blightly land
We are his mighty bandOooo
King Arthur's strongest knightsWe are prepared to fight
Whoooo-ever!
Arthur (spoken):Knights, tonight is the night we shine a light, on the mystery of a dark time. Why do they call us the middle ages when nothing yet comes after us? Some day, History
will speak of a legendary King and his knights of courage and daring!
All (singing):All for oneTwo for all
All for some And free for all!
Arthur (the music stops):Together, we shall bring shivery to a rude and cherish
time. But first, I thought, let's go to Camelot!
22
[The knights are exited to hear that. Lights start to shine]
Lancelot and Robin (turning toward the light on the back):
Camelot!
Bedevere and Galahad:To Camelot!
[Two girls dressed in sparkles come in, music starts]
Arthur:And remember gentlemen, what happens in Camelot…
[The curtain behind rises and reveals Camelot- medieval style Las Vegas. The knights are happy and start running after the more girls which appears and hanging around.]
Girls (Sings):Camelot, the town that never sleeps is Camelot!
ALL KNIGHTS (With silly dancing movements across the song):
We're knights of the round tableWe dance when e're we're able
We do routines and chorus scenesWith footwork impecc-able
We dine well here in CamelotWe eat ham and jam and spam alot
We're knights of the round talbeOur shows are for-mid-able
But many times, we're given rythmesThat are quite unsing-ableWe're opera mad in Camelot
We sing from the diaphragm a lot.
[The background knights dancers starting to tap dance. Then Arthur "tap dance"- Patsy and his cocoanuts are doing all the sound…]
PRINCIPAL KNIGHTS:We're knights of the tableAlthough we live a fable
We're not just bumsWith royal mums
We've brains that are quite a-bleWe've a busy life in Camelot.
23
SOLO MAN:I have to push the pram a lot.
[The girls reappear and dance. Then enters a sea creature made of metal. He takes one glove off, then the other- and he turns to be the lady of the lake]
King Arthur:Ladies and gentlemen, the lade of the lake!
Lady of the lake:Once in every show
There comes a song like.......thisIt starts off soft and lowAnd ends up with a kiss
Oh, where is the song that goes like this?Goes like this?
(A nun and a priest are appearing and performing a dance)Yes this is the song
Oh this is the song that goes.......like(She scats, Arthur repeats after her)
LADY OF THE LAKE:They're Knights of the Round Table
ARTHUR:They dance when e'er they're able
LADY OF THE LAKE:They're Knights
ARTHUR:Not days, but Knights
LADY AND ARTHUR:Not dawn, not duskNot late afternoon
But Knights of the Round TableRound TableRound TableRound Table
ALL:Round TableRound TableRound Table
So try your luck in CamelotRun amok in Camelot
It doesn't suck in Camelot(spoken)WE WON!
24
(sung)We're Knights of the Round TableWe dance when e'er we're ableWe do routines and gory scenes
That are to hot for cable
We eat ham and jamWe eat ham and jam and spam a lot
ALL:(spoken)SPAMALOT!
[The music stops, and then starts again. Everybody dance and enjoy themselves until a great thunder is being heard and everything stops. The knights are alone in the front of the stage, the lights dim and they are sitting on the ground. On the background there is a very big pair of legs. When the knights realize it's god, they grovel in the place.]
God:Arthur! Arthur King of the Britons! Oh, don't grovel! One
thing I can't stand is people groveling.
Arthur (rising):Sorry, lord.
God:And don't apologize! Every time I try to talk to someone
it's 'sorry this' and 'forgive me that' and 'I'm not worthy'… What are you doing dancing around in Camelot?
Arthur:Well' we were dancing lord and then-
God:What's that you're doing now?
Arthur:I'm averting my eyes, lord.
God:Well, don’t! And stop looking up my skirt! Right- Arthur, King of the Britons, you're knight have a task to make
them an example in these dark times.
Arthur:Oh, good idea, lord-
God:
25
Of course it's a good idea, I'm god you stupid tit! Now this shall be your quest: behold Arthur, this is the
Holy Grail.
[The grail appears, whining as a drawing on the back curtain]
God:Look well, for that is your purpose, Arthur. The quest
for the Holy Grail!
Arthur:But how will I-
God:Just find the grail, OK? And get on with it, these people
don't have all night.
[God's great legs rise and disappear in the sky]
Arthur:God be praised, we have a quest!
Bedevere:To find the grail!
Robin:The quail!
Arthur:No, no, the grail. The vessel used at the last supper.
Robin:They had a boat at the last supper? A sort of dinner-
cruise?
Galahad:The grail is a cup.
Robin:God the almighty all-knowing has misplaced a cup?
[Galahad is embarrassed, doesn't knowing what to answer, pulling his shoulders]
Galahad:Apparently.
Robin:Doesn't sound very plausible. God's all-knowing, he must
know where it is.
26
Galahad:It does seem very careless; there must be other cups he
could use.
Robin:Can't we just buy him another one?
Arthur (Standing up):Look, it's not just about a missing mug, it's a metaphor. We must all look within us. That's where we'll find the
grail.
Robin:Somebody swallowed it!
Arthur:Nobody swallowed it, it's a symbol.
[A cymbal is being heard, Arthur gasps.]
Arthur:Look, just go and find it.
Robin (raises his hand, standing up):Found it!
Arthur:Where?
Robin (Pointing at Patsy, who is close to him):It's right there.
[Patsy and the knights are standing up, and right behind Patsy is the Holy Grail. The music starts and from the ground, holding the grail, comes the lady of the lake.]
Lady of the lake (singing):If you trust in your songKeep your eyes on the goal
Then the prize you won't failThat's your grailThat's your grail
So be strongKeep right on
To the end of your songDo not fail
Find your grailFind your grailFind your grail
27
[The Laker girls come with big candles, handing them to the knights]
Lady of the lake:Life is really up to you
You must choose what to pursue ohh yeeeahSet your mind on what to find
And there's nothin' you can't doooo
[With the candles, the knights are dancing foolishly]
Lade of the lake:So keep right to the end
You'll find your goal my friendYou won't failFind your grail
Find your grai-a-a-a-ailFind your grail
[Arthur and the knights are walking with the candles, passing a mountain. Every time one of them reaches the peak, he stops and makes a gesture like saluting. When Galahad reaches lastly the peak he realize they got the wrong direction.]
Galahad:Hey!
[The knights hurry back, while singing]
Knights:Find your grailFind your grail
Arthur (On the peak):When your lifeSeems dejeffed
When we all need a liftTell yourself you won't fail
Find your grailFind your grail
Life is really up to youYou must choose what to pursueSet your mind on what to find
Lady of the Lake:And there's nothin' you can't do
You can't doDooooo!!
All:
28
So keep right (so keep right) to the end (to the end)You'll find your goal my friend
Find your grail!You won't failFind your grailFind your grailFind your grail!!
Lady of the Lake:Ohhhh
You'll find it!You'll find it!
YEEEEAH!You gotta keep on
Goin round! Goin round!
Cause I know YEEEEEEAAAH!
[The song ends, the lady and the girls disappear, and the knights ride in a group in one place. From both sides they have to men as story tellers, with baskets in their hands]
Man 1 (pours over the knights green confetti):Spring!
Man 2 (pouring yellow confetti):Summer!
Man 1 (Pouring white confetti):Winter!
Man 2 (Preparing to throw…-):Water!
Arthur:Stop it!
[The two men exit. Instead comes two other men, wrapped in a sheet with view on it. As each turns to a different direction and the knights ride across it, it looks like they pass great distance. When Arthur and Patsy cross it, Chinese music is heard. When Bedevere- Arabic, and he makes Arabic style hand movements. Robin passes with great hands movements and calm music and Galahad stops in the middle, dances a polka style music. Finally, the men exit and the knights reach a castle at the back of the stage. French music is being heard for a moment until they stop.]
29
Arthur:And… hold, wow!
[He is pulling back the horse and everyone dismount.]
Arthur (to the castle):Hello? (No answer) Hello???
[A French guard appears at the top of the castle]
French guard:Hello? Who is it?
ARTHURIt is King Arthur and these are the Knights of the Round
Table. Whose castle is this?
MANThis is the castle of of my master, Gui de Loimbard, the
French bustard.
Arthur:Please tell your master that we have been sent by a
sacred quest, and if he will give us food and shelter for the night he may join us on the quest for the Holy Grail!
French guard:Well, I'll ask his but I don't think he'll be very keen.
H's already got one, you see.
Arthur:What?
Galahad:He said he's already got one!
Arthur:Are you sure he's got one?
French guard:Oh yes, it's very nice. (Turns to the castle, whispering
loudly) I told them we already got one! (The French guards giggle)
Arthur:Can we come in and have a look?
French guard:Of course not, you English pig!
ARTHUR
30
Well, what are you then?
MANI'm French. Why do think I have this outrageous accent,
you silly king?!
Arthur:If you will not show us the grail, we shall take this
castle by force!
French Guard:You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, son of a silly person. I blow my nose at you,
so-called Arthur-king, you and your silly English K...kaniggets!!
Arthur:Now look here, my good fella-
French Guard:I don't want to talk to you, no more, you empty-headed
animal, food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. You mother was a hamster and your father
smelt of elderberries. Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.
Galahad:Is there someone else we can talk to?
French guard:Hey, hey, no chance son of a dresser! Come with my private professor I'll teach you! of other people's
bottoms!
Arthur:I command you, in the name of the knights of Camelot to open the door of the sacred castle to which god himself
had guided us!
French guard:Well I burst my pimples at you! The door opening your quest a dilly thing. You cheesy second handed electric
donkey bottom!
[The French Guard holds out his tongue and makes rude gestures, including the third finger]
Robin:They're using rude gestures, sir!
Galahad:
31
Please, they haven't the of shivery.
Arthur:What do we do, Bedevere?
Bedevere:Well, I believe that this is the time for plan B, sire.
My secret weapon.
[Arthur nods and turns back to the guard as Bedevere exits the stage]
Arthur:If you do not cease to taunt us, we shall be forced to
bring out our secret weapon.
French Guard (sarcastic):Oh no! Oh, I am so scared! And did I mention before-
(Holds his tongue out and making noises, then disappears)
Arthur:Right, that's it! They'll have a nasty shock coming.
Bedevere!
[Bedevere returns, dragging after him a huge rebbit made of wood]
Arthur:What the hell is that?
Bedevere:The wooden rabbit, sire. It's the latest rage in modern
technology.
Robin:Wow!
Arthur:How does it work?
Bedevere:Well, the beauty of it is its simplicity. We just leave
it here, and then walk away.
Arthur and the knights:Oh, that's easy…
[They walk our of the stage, leaving the rabbit behind. Then four French Guards appear at the castle's door.]
French guard:Que's che sais?
32
French guard 2:What?
French guard:What is this?
French guard 3:*In French* I have no idea.
French guard:What?
French guard 3:It is a large wooden rabbit.
French guard:Oooh! A large wooden rabbit! How very nice! What the hell
is it doing here?
French guard 3:Perhaps it's art.
All French guards (exited):Oooh!
[They all come out and walk toward the rabbit]
French guard:Art? Of course it is art! (Calling into the castle) Hey French people, come outside here! Look at our new piece
of art!
[Out from the castle come a few girls in dresses and baskets, a mime, Eponine from Les Miserables and other French people. The mime pretends to try and carry the rabbit.]
French guard:It's a… It's big, very big. What it means?
French guard 2:It symbolize our strength in our struggle-
French man:It says we are all rabbit inside.
[The mime is making carious movements and everybody stares at him. He is jumping a rope, then he is coming out from somewhere, jumping like a rabbit and smacks himself and put his head on the side like he's dead]
33
French people (disbelieving):Ohhh…!
French guard:Let us bring the rabbit into our castle. (To the other
guard) Let's put it in the salon next to the Renoir. But first let's chop it and let's see what's inside. Could be
that inside there's an Easter egg.
[The French people carry the rabbit out from the stage. Then the two guards also exit and the knights enter]
Arthur:Brilliant plan, Bedevere! They fell for it completely!
What happens now?
Bedevere:Now we wait until nightfall, and then we all leap out of
the rabbit…
Arthur:What?
Bedevere:We all leap out of the… (Realizes the problem) Oh dear I
forgot of it. Suppose we would build a large wooden badger-
Arthur:Shut up!
[The French guard appears at the top of the castle]
French guard:The rabbit! She is empty! You… You have sent us an empty rabbit! This is for us French! Now, you'll have to pay
for your Fetch Le catapult!
French guard 2:Fetching Le catapult!
French guard:And fetch La Vasch!
French guard 2:Fetching La Vasch!
Arthur:What's 'La Vasch'?
34
Bedevere:If I'm not mistaken, La Vasch means… the cow.
Patsy:A cow? What could they possibly do with a cow?
[The French guard shoots the catapult and a cow is being thrown and lands on Patsy. Four French guards appear on top of the castle, they laugh]
French guards (singing while doing rude and strange movements):
You English all are buggerfolk Your mothers all are ruggerfolk
Your army is a bloody joke You couldn't beat an artichoke
If battle you choose to renew We'll taunt you 'til you all turn blue
We turn our asses as you part In your direction we all fart!
*French National Anthem plays*
FRENCH GUARD: Fetchez can-can dancers!
[The dancers come out running, dancing around the frightened knights.]
The knights (sing):Run away!Run away!Run away!
Run run run run run run run away!
[The knights are running across the stage, looking for a place to run. Then each one goes to a different direction and only Robin stays, not knowing where to go. Then he run across the stage when after him are two French guards, carrying the third one like a weapon. Galahad is running in the other direction, a French woman is chasing after him. On the other direction- Arthur is running away from the mime who impersonates his movements. At the end, all the knights are gathered at the middle of the stage, the French people surrounding them, dancing ca-can while a guard is waving the French flag at the castle. The go to the front of the castle as the back curtain is closed behind them.]
Knights (singing while running):
35
Run away! Run away, run away,run away run away run away!
Run away, run away,run away run away run away!
Arthur:We're stuck in a nasty position,
why won't you take a short intermission.Have a drink and a pee,
we'll be back for act three!
Patsy:Two, sir.
Arthur:Two!
[On the curtain the castle is shown and animals are being thrown from it]
All:Run away run away run awayRun away run away run away
Run away run awayRun awaaaaaay!
[They all run away out of the stage in different directions, while the wooden rabbit is being thrown out of the castle.]
*The intermission*
[The historian appears]Historian:
Defeat, at the castle in Act I, seems to have utterly disheartened King Arthur.
The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely by surprise.
King Arthur and his knights fled for their lives, and were instantly scattered and lost in a dark and very
expensive forest...
[The curtain rises, revealing a dark forest. Arthur is riding across is with Patsy after him.]
Arthur (pulling back the horse):wooow!!!
This is a total bloody disaster. All my knight have fled and we're lost in this dark and extremely expensive
forest.
Patsy:
36
Well, it could be worst.
Arthur:Oh how could it possibly be worst?
Knight of Ni (unseen, from the back):Ni! Ni!
Arthur:Oh no…
[Out from all sides of the stage come the knights of Ni. The head of the knights is extremely tall and is in front of the others]
Knights of Ni:Ni! Ni ni ni! (They stop only after the head of the
knights raises his hand to silence them)
Arthur:Who are you?
Head knight:We are the knights who say… Ni!
[As he hears that word, Arthur putting his hands on his ears]
Arthur:Oh no! Not the knight who say Ni!
Head knight:The same! We are the keepers of the sacred words- Ni,
Ping and Neeewong!
Knights of Ni:Neewong!
Arthur (whispering to Patsy):Those who heard these words seldom lives to tell the
tale.
Patsy:Oh great…
Head Knight:The knights who say Ni demand a sacrifice!
Arthur:Oh knights of Ni, we are but simple travelers, lost in
these woods-
37
Knights of Ni:Ni! Ni, ni, ni!
[Arthur is putting his hands to cover his ears, and so is Patsy. The knights stop after the head knight raises his hand]
Head knight:We shall say Ni again to you if you do not appease us.
Arthur:Well what is it that you want?
Head knight:We want… (Pause) A shrubbery! (The knights are happy and
exited)
Arthur:Where the hell are we going to find a shrubbery?
Head knight:If you do not find us a shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest with… A herring! (Pulls out a big herring and handing it to Arthur, who doesn't take
it)
Arthur:Very well, we'll find you a shrubbery.
Head knight:Good. You must return here with the shrubbery within the
next two thousand years.
[A knight of Ni pulls his gown, and whispers womthing to him]
Head knight:Right. (To Arthur) Within the next twelve seconds.
[The knight pulls his gown again and whispers to him again]
Head knight:All right, before nightfall. Or else you will never pass
through this wood… alive…
[Pause]Head knight:
And now… we go!
Knights of Ni:Ni Ni Ni Ni!
38
[Another pause. Arthur looks at Patsy and then again at the knights]
Arthur:Well, go on then.
Head knight:Ni!
Knights of Ni:Ni! Ni! Ni!
[While saying Ni, the knights walk away, leaving Arthur and Patsy alone]
Arthur:Where are we going to find a shrubbery?
Patsy:Maybe we can build one? Out of cats?
Arthur:Don’t be ridiculous, where are we going to find cats? This is a total nightmare. You think it would be easy:
One, round up a bunch of knights. Two, seek and find the grail. Five-
Patsy:Three, sir.
Arthur:Three, go home. But no. (He holds back his tears). I'm so
depressed.
[He sits down on a rock. Patsy kneels beside him, and music starts]
Patsy:Oh, cheer up, sire. You what they say.
Arthur:What do they say, Patsy?
Patsy:Some things in life are badThey can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse.When you're chewing on life's gristle
Don't grumble, give a whistleAnd this'll help things turn out for the best...
And...always look on the bright side of life...(whistles)
39
Always look on the light side of life, you'll try.(Arthur tries unsuccessfully to whistle. Patsy stands up)
If life seems jolly rottenThere's something you've forgotten
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.When you're feeling in the dumps
Don't be silly chumpsJust purse your lips and whistle - that's the thing.
[The background knights appear, both Arthur and Patsy are surprised to see them)
Background knights:And...always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the light side of life...
For life is quite absurdAnd death's the final word
You must always face the curtain with a bow.Forget about your sin - give the audience a grin
Enjoy it - it's your last chance anyhow.
[Lightning and thunder start. Patsy and the knights are running away but Arthur goes to the front of the stage, with Patsy protecting him with an umbrella]
Arthur:So always look on the bright side of death Just before you draw your terminal breath
Life's a piece of shitWhen you look at it
Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true.You'll see it's all a showKeep 'em laughing as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.
Background knights (With umbrellas):And always look on the bright side of life...Always look on the right side of life...
[The knights dance with their umbrellas. On the background, some knights of Ni join the dancing. Eventually the background knights drop the umbrellas.]
Background knights:Always look on the bright side of life...Always look on the bright side of life...
40
Always look on the bright side of life...Always look on the right side of life...
Patsy and Arthur (The background knights left the stage):Life is quite absurd, and death's the final wordyou must always face the curtain with a bow.
[An old woman is walking across the stage, carrying a small cart with a shrubbery.]
Arthur (to the woman):Excuse me, is that a shrubbery?
Woman:Yes it is, I was just throwing it out. The cat won't
leave it alone.
Arthur:What a strake of luck. I'll take it off your hands. Pay
the lady, Patsy.
[Patsy pays the woman and takes the shrubbery. The woman exits. The knights of Ni come and dance in the background]
Arthur and Patsy (singing):Always look on the bright side of life!
Always look on the bright…Side of life!
[Arthur, Patsy and the knights of Ni exit the stage. The music changes to the ballad music of Sir robin, who appears in the woods. He is riding through the forest when after him are a few men with music instruments.]
Singer:Bravely bold Sir Robin, rode forth from Camelot,He was not afraid to die, Oh Brave Sir Robin,
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty waysBrave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin.
He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp
Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken;To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin.
His head smashed in, and his heart cut out,And his liver removed, and his bowels unplugged,And his nostrils raped, and his bottom burned off,
And his penis split ... and his ...
41
[Robin put his on the singer's drum, thus making the whole band stop playing]
Robin: That's… That's enough music for now, lads.
[Thunder is being heard, and Robin looks around him, frightened. A knight appears, standing on the side of the stage]
Black knight:None shall pass!
Robin:Oo… (Run away from the stage)
[The singers are staring at each other for a moment, and then going after Robin, playing and singin]
Singer:Brave Sir Robin ran awayBravely ran away away
Left the place and ran all daySoiled his pants and then ran away
[The singers exit. Arthur and Patsy with the shrubbery enter. The black knight is standing in their way.]
Arthur:good sir knight, I am King Arthur, looking for my men.
Will you care to join us?
Black knight:None shall pass!
Arthur:I see. Well, good sit knight. I have no quarrel with you.
But I must pass this way.
Black knight:Then you shall die.
Arthur:I command you, as king of the Britons, to stand aside!
Black knight:I move for no man!
Arthur (giving the shrubbery for Patsy and taking out Excalibur):So be it!
42
[The black knight also pulls out his sword, and they charge. They fight and after a few seconds of fighting Arthur cut off the black knight's left arm].
Arthur:You worthy adversary.
black knight:It is but a scratch!
Arthur:A scratch? Your arm's off.
Black knight:No it isn't.
Arthur:Well what's that?
Black knight:I've had worse.
Arthur:You liar!
Black knight:Come on you pansy!
[The black knight attacks Arthur and they fight again. Then Arthur cut off the knight's right arm]
Arthur (with the knight's sword in his hand):Victory in mine!
I thank thee O Lord that in thy-
[The black knight start kicking Arthur]
Black knight:Aaaahhhhh! Aaarrrgghh!
Come on then!
Arthur:What?
Black knight:How about you??
Arthur:You are indeed brave, good sir knight, but the fight in
mine.
43
Black knight:Oh, had enough, ey? Ha ha!
Arthur:Look, you stupid bastard, you got no arms left!
Black knight:Yes I have!
Arthur (pointing at the arms on the ground):Look!
Black knight:Just a flesh wound.
Arthur:Come on then.
[Arthur and the knight are circling, preparing for the fight. The knight goes to the back of the stage while a man with a basket is passing by]
Man:Arms for the poor! Arms for the poor!
[He stops at the arms, on which Patsy points. He collects them and then moving on, exiting the stage]
Black knight Standing with his back to the wall]:Save your strength, I'm invincible!
Arthur:You're a loony!
[he takes out the knight's sword and stuck it in the Knight's body, nailing him to the wall]
Black knight (imitating chicken noise):Chicken chicken chicken!
[Arthur pulls Excalibur and waves it across the knigh's legs. Nothing happens, the black knight laughs]
Black knight:Ha ha ha! You missed me!
[Suddenly both the knight's legs falls off. Arthur walks away]
Arthur:Come, Patsy.
44
Black knight:All right, we'll call it a tie! (Arthur exits the stage with Patsy) Always look on the bright side of life…
[The light dims and goes on again, revealing Robin and the players]
Singer:When danger reared its ugly head,He bravely turned his tail and fledYes, Brave Sir Robin turned aboutAnd gallantly he chickened out
Robin (interrupting):Look, don't you have another song?
[He sees Arthur approaching and signs to the platers to stop]
Robin:Stop it, stop it, stop it!
Arthur:Are you running away?
Robin:No! No, sire, I was not running away. I'm running to
where I thought the danger might be, over here.
[He turns around to see the head knight of Ni]
Head knight:Ni!
Robin (scared):Aaahh!
[He walks behind Arthur, far from the knights]
Head knight:So I have come again, unexpected.
Robin:Do you know that it really scared me! It is-
[All the knights of Ni scream in fear]
Head knight:Don't say that word!
Robin:What word?
45
Head knight:I cannot tell. Suffice to say that's one of the words the
knights of Ni cannot hear.
Robin:How can we not say the word when you don't tell us what
it is?
[The knights scream again, covering their ears]
Head knight:You said the word again!
Arthur:What, 'is'?
Head knight:No, not 'is'. You won't get very far in life not saying
'is'.
Arthur:Oh, stop it!
[The knights scream again]
Head knight:Stop saying the word!
Robin:Is it-
[The knights scream again]Head knight:
You said it again!
[The knights scream again]Head knight:
I just said it![They scream again, make a lot of fuss. Arthur goes to Patsy and takes the shrubbery off his hands and hands it to the head knight.]
Arthur:Oh, knights of Ni, we have brought you a shrubbery.
Knights of Ni (impressed):Ooohh!
Arthur:May we pass now?
46
Head knight:that is a good shrubbery. Oohhh, I like the cat smell.
But there is one small problem.
Arthur:And what is that?
Head knight:We are now no longer the knights who say Ni.
Knights of Ni:Ni! Ni! Ni!
Head knight:Shh!
We are now the knights who say Ekki-Ekki-Ekki Ptang zoomboing mumble sqiidband oolei mgraaaul…!
Knights of Ni:Ni! Ni!
Head knight:Therefore, we must give you a new test.
Arthur:What is this test, oh knights who say Ekki-ekki-ekki-
ekki-ekki Ptang boing ule… Oh knights who until recently said Ni?
Head knight:
the new test is… You must put on a musical!
Robin:Oh yes! (The players jump, ready to play]
Head knight:But… not an Andrew Lloyd Webber one!
[Arthur and Robin shout in pain, covering their ears]
Head knight:Now, you must take this musical to Broadway.
[The knights of Ni make exited voices]
Head knight:Come on, let's get us good seats on the web!
[The knights of Ni exit the stage]
47
Arthur (to Robin):Do you know this Broadway?
Robin:Yes sire, and we don't stand a chance there.
Arthur:Why not?
Robin:Because...Broadway (nostalgic music starts) is a very
special place, filled with very special people, people who can sing and dance, often at the same time! They are a different people, a multi-talented people, a people...who need people...and who are, in many ways, the luckiest people in...the world. I'm sorry sire, but
we don't stand a chance.
ARTHUR:But why?
ROBIN:Well...let me put it like this.
[The music starts, and Robin start singing]
Robin (singing):In any great adventure,
that you don't want to lose,victory depends upon the poeple that you choose.So, listen, Arthur darling, closely to this news:
We won't succeed on Broadway,If you don't have any Jews.
You may have the finest sets,Fill the stage with penthouse pets,
You may have the loveliest costumes and best shoes.You my dance and you may sing,But I'm sorry, Arthur king,
You'll hear no cheers,Just lots and lots of boos.
ENSEMBLE:Boo.
ROBIN:You mahve have butch men by the score
Whom the audience adore,You may even have some animals from zoos,Though you've holes and krauts instead,
You may have unlevened bread,
48
But I tell you, you are dead,If you don't have any Jews.
They won't care if it's witty,or everything looks pretty,
They'll simply say it's shitty and profuse.Nobody will go, sir,
If it's not kosher then no show, sir,Even Goyem won't be dim enough to choose!
Put on shows that make men stare,With lots of girls in underwear,
You may even have the finest of reviews.
CRITIC:You're doing great!
ROBIN:The audience won't care, sir,As long as you don't dare, sir,
To open up on BroadwayIf you don't have any Jews.
[A few girls enter, dancing]
You may have dramatic lighting,Or lots of horrid fighting,
You may even have some white men sing the blues!Your knights might be nice boys,
But sadly we're all goys,And that noise that you call singing you must lose.
So, despite your pretty lights,and naughty girls in nasty tights,
and the most impressive scenery you use...You may have dancing mana-mano,
You may bring on a piano,But they will not give a damn-o
If you don't have any Jews!
[A piano is being carried into the stage. Robin goes to it, start playing. Then joins the rest of the dancers in their dance]
Robin:Ohhhh Oi! Ohhhh Oi!
You may fill your play with gays,Have Nigerian girls in stays,
GIRLS:You may even have some schizas making stews!
ROBIN:
49
You haven't got a clue,If you don't have a Jew,
All of your investments you are going to lose!
There's a very small percentile,Who enjoys a dancing gentile,
I'm sad to be the one with this bad news!But never mind your swordplay,
You just won't succeed on Broadway,You just won't succeed on Broadway,
If you don't have any Jews!
Arthur, can you hear me?
To get along on Broadway,To sing a song on Broadway,
To hit the top on Broadway and not lose,I tell you, Arthur king,
There is one essential thing...There simply must be, simply must be Jews.
There simply must be,Arthur trust me,
Simply must be Jews.
[The song ends with the curtain down, and the background dancers leave the stage]
Arthur:Wow. I suppose we better go and find some Jews then.
[Arthur, Patsy and Robin leave the stage. The curtain rises, still in the forest. Enter Lancelot and his servant, Concord. Lancelot is very energetic]
Lancelot:Here we go, Concord, and…! Sideways (Riding to the side)!
And… Back wise! (Riding backward) And… here we go!
[They ride normally for a second, when an arrow with a note tied to it is being shot to Concord's heart and he falls down.
Concord:Message for you, sir.
Lancelot:Concord? (Kneeling near Concord) Concord! Speak to me!
[Concord doesn’t move and appears to be dead. Lancelot checks the arrow and pulls the note put, reading it]
50
Lancelot (from the note):To whoever finds this note- I am being imprisoned by my father who wishes me to marry against my will. Please please please come and rescue me. I'm in the tall tower
of Swamp Castle. (Stop reading) At last, at last, at last! A… A…
Concord (from the ground):Cry of distress?
Lancelot:Cry of distress! This will be the sign that leads us to
the…
Concord:Holy Grail?
Lancelot:Holy Grail! Brave Concord, you shall not have died in
vain.
Concord (raises his head):I'm not quite dead, sir.
Lancelot:You should not have been-
Concord:Mortally wounded?
Lancelot:Mortally wounded in vain.
Concord:I think I could pull through, sir.
Lancelot:Oh, I see.
Concord:Actually, I think I'm alright to come with you.
Lancelot:No, no, no sweet Concord. Things like this must be
accomplished-
Concord:Single handedly?
Lancelot:
51
Single handedly! Stay here, thanks a bunch, I shall return as soon as I accomplish this heroic and daring
rescue on my own particular… Oh…
Concord:Idiom, sir?
Lancelot:Idiom! And so…
Concord:Farewell.
Lancelot:Farewell! Farewell, sweet Concord.
[Lancelot runs away out of the stage. After he's gone, Concord rises and riding after him, limping.]
Concord:Ouch… Ouch…
[The curtain closes, and enters the Lady of the lake, very angry. She waves to get attention, and the lights are on her.]
LADY OF THE LAKE:What ever happened to my part?It was exciting at the start.Now we're halfway through Act 2And I've had nothing yet to do.
I've been offstage for far too longIt's ages since I had a song.
This is one unhappy DivaThe producer's have deceived her.
There is nothing I can sing from my heart.Whatever Happened to My Part?
I am sick of my careerAlways starting second gear
Up to here, with frustration and with fears.I've no Grammy no Rewards,
I've no Tony Awards,I'm Constantly replaced with Britney Spears
Whatever Happened to My Show?I was a hit, now I don't know.
I'm with a bunch of British Knights,Prancing 'round in woolly tights.
52
I might as well go to the PubThey've been out searching for a shrub
Out shopping for a BushWell they can kiss my Tush
It seems to me they've really lost the plot
Whatever Happened to MyI'll Call my Agent, DammitWhatever Happened to MyNot Yours, Not Yours,
By My,Part!
[The song ends, and a few flowers are being thrown to the stage. The lady of the lake starts screaming in happiness, picking them up and running away from the stage. The curtain rises again and reveals the Swamp castle, Prince Herbert's room. In the middle there is a door, from which both ends are staircase to where Herbert is standing, holding a bow near a Window covered with drapes.]
Herbert (singing):Where are you? Where are you?
Where are you, my heart's desire?My heart is true, but where are you?
Only you can quench the fire. (He throws the bow out of the window and start singing
more loudly)Where are you? Where are you-?
Herbert's father:Stop that! Stop that!
[Herbert's father enters, running up the stairs toward Herbert]
Herbert's father:Stop it! Stop all that singing! Stop it! One day, lad,
all this will be yours.
Herbert (hiding behind the drapes):What, the curtains?
Father:No, not the curtains (putting his arm around Herbert's shoulder). All that you can see stretched down over the
hills and valleys of this land. This will be your kingdom, lad.
Herbert:But mother-
53
Father:Father, father!
Herbert:But father, I don't want any of that. I'd rather-
Father (angrily):Rather what?
Herbert (music starts):I'd rather just… sing! (singing) Where are you? Where-
Father:Stop that! (pointing downwards, toward the band) Stop it!
(Music stops) You're not going to do a song while I'm here. Now listen, in twenty minutes you're going to be
married to a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.
Herbert:But I don't want land.
Father:Listen, Alice!
Herbert:Herbert…
Father:Herbert! We love in a bloody swamp, we have to sell mud
for a living. We need all the land we can get.
Herbert:But I don't like her.
Father:Don't like her? What's wrong with her? She's beautiful,
she's rich, she's got huge tracts of land...
Herbert:I know but I want the person that I marry to have a
certain... special... something... (start singing) And another hundred people just -
Father:Cut that out! (music stops, father's grabbing Herbert)
Look, you're marring princess-
54
[Herbert is shaking and almost falling in his father's arms. He is trying to get him to stand up straight and stop grabbing him]
Father:You're marring princess Lucky so you'd better get used to the idea. (Start leaving, grumbling to himself) Guards!
[Two guards enter, standing from both sides of the door]
FATHER:Make sure the Prince doesn't leave this room until
I come and get him.
FIRST GUARDNot to leave the room, even if you come and get him.
FATHERNo, no, no, Until I come and get him.
FIRST GUARDUntil you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.
FATHERNo! You just stay in her and make sure he doesn't leave.
FIRST GUARD... and you'll come and get him.
FATHERRight.
FIRST GUARDWe don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him
entering the room.
FATHERNo, no- Leaving the room!
FIRST GUARDLeaving the room, yes.
FATHERGot it?
FARTHER makes to leave.
FIRST GUARDEr ... if ... we ... er ...
FATHER
55
Yes, what is it??
FIRST GUARDIf we ... er ...
(trying to remember what he was going to say)
FATHERLook, it's quite simple! You just keep him here and make
sure he doesn't leave the room, all right?
FIRST GUARDRight. Oh, I remember. can he leave the room with us?
FATHER:No! No, you just keep him in here! and make sure-
FIRST GUARDOh, yes! we'll keep him in here, obviously. But if he
had to leave and we were with him-
FATHERNo, just keep him in here.
FIRST GUARDUntil you, or anyone else-
FATHERNo, not anyone else - just me!
FIRST GUARDJust you ...
FIRST GUARDGet back.
FATHERGet back. Right?
FIRST GUARDRight. We'll stay here until you get back.
FATHERMake sure he doesn't leave.
FIRST GUARDWhat?
FATHERMake sure he doesn't leave.
FIRST GUARD
56
The Prince?
FATHERYes! Make sure that he doesn't leave!
FIRST GUARDOh yes, of course! I thought you meant him!
(he points to the other GUARD and laughs to himself)You know it seemed a bit daft me havin' to guard him when
he's a guard ...
FATHERIs that clear?
FIRST GUARDOh, yes. That's quite clear. No problems.
FATHER pulls open the door and makes to leave the room. The GUARDS follow.
FATHER(to the GUARDS)
Where are you going?
FIRST GUARDWe're coming with you.
FATHERNo, I want you to stay here and make sure he doesn't
leave the room.
FIRST GUARDOh, I see, Right.
[They take up positions on either side of the door.]
PRINCEBut, Father-
FATHERShut your noise, you, and get that suit off!
[Music starts]Father (to the band):
And don't sing! Stop it! (music stops)
[Father exits through the door, angry. From outside there are swords clenching and screams. The guards and Herbert don't move. Then Lancelot enters through the door, his sword in his hand.]
Lancelot (ready to fight):
57
Ha!
First Guard:You're not to leave the room-
[Lancelot strikes the sword in him, he falls down. The same with the second guard. Then Lancelot runs up the stairs and kneels before Prince Herbert, not looking at him.]
Lancelot:Oh, fair one, behold your humble servant, Sir Lancelot,
who's come to take you-
[He looks up and sees Herbert. He stops and stands up, completely surprised]
Lancelot:I'm terribly sorry.
Herbert (happy):You got my note!
Lancelot:I… Well, I got A note.
Herbert:You've come to rescue me?
Lancelot:No, no, no, no. You see, I-
Herbert:I knew someone would come. I knew that somewhere out
there, there must be… (Start singing) Here are you, here are you.Here are you, Sir Lancelot!
Father (Enters the room):Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! (The music stops)
Who are you?
Herbert:I'm you're son.
Father:Not you!
Lancelot (embarrassed):I'm… I'm Sir Lancelot, Sir.
Herbert:
58
He's come to rescue me, father.
Lancelot:Now, let's not jump to conclusions. Say, these are nice
curtains (touches them).
Herbert:Aren't they?
Lancelot:Oh, they're wonderful. Where did you find them?
Herbert:Well, there's a little chapel that got them, I'll-
Father (up the stairs):Excuse me! Did you kill those guards?
Lancelot:Aaahhh… Oh, yes. Sorry.
Father:They cost five pounds each!
Lancelot:I am awfully sorry, but I can explain-
Herbert:Don't be afraid of him, Sir Lancelot. I've got a rope
here already. (Shows a rope tight to the window. Herbert starts going out of the window, holding the rope.)
Father:You've killed eight wedding guests!
Lancelot:Yes, yes. You see, the thing is I thought your son here
was a lady.
Father:Well, I can understand THAT!
Herbert (from the window):Hurry, brave Sir Lancelot!
Father (still not taking notice of Herbert):You killed the bride's father.
Lancelot:Oh dear, I didn't really mean to...
59
FATHERDidn't mean to? You put your sword right through his
head!
LAUNCELOTGosh - Is he all right?
FATHERYou kicked the bride in the chest!
Lancelot:Well, she was asking for it.
Father:It's going to cost me a fortune.
Herbert (still from the window):I am ready! Let us-
[Father takes out his knife and cuts the rope. Herbert falls down the window, screaming.]
Father (start going down the stairs):Would you like to come down for a drink?
Lancelot (pointing at the window):I'll say, was that entirely necessary? I… I do believe
you just killed that poor little fellow.
Father:Oh, let's not argue about who killed who. After all, I am
a recently briefed father…
[He start going down the stairs again, Lancelot follows him. Meanwhile, the curtains and the window goes up and the staircase start moving and turning to it's side so what's behind it is visible)
Father:…who have just lost his son. My boy Herbert who has just
fallen to his death.
Herbert (Carried by Concord):I'm not quite dead.
Father (screams in surprise):Herbert!
Herbert:I'm feeling much better.
60
Father:You fell from a tall tower, you creep!
Herbert:No, I was saved at last minute.
Father (disappointed):How?
Herbert:Well, I'll tell you.
[While the music starts Herbert gets down from Concord's arms]
Father:Oh, no, no, no!
Herbert (singing):I'm going to tell.
Father:No, stop it.
The guards (rising up):He's going to tell!
Herbert:I'm going to tell!
Father:Stop it!
Herbert:I'm going to tell!
Father:Stop it!
Guards:He's going to tell!
Father (chasing the guards out of the stage):Stop it! I'll make you stop it!
[Father takes one of the guard's spears and aiming it toward Hebert. He charges, screaming, but Lancelot runs and stands in front of Herbert with his sword in front of him. The music stops]
Lancelot:
61
Leave him alone! This poor little chap is your son, sir! All he ever wanted was a little love and affection but did you ever give it to him? No! You denied him, you
tried to kill him, and worse. You tried to marry him off to some girl, to someone he obviously has no feelings for
whatsoever. Yes, I know a little bit about bulling fathers, you bastard! (getting very emotional) Have you no heart? Have you no tenderness? Can't you see that all he's asking for is a little love and understanding? Is
that too much to ask? Is it? Too much? To ask?
Father:My god, you're gay!
[Music starts]Herbert (singing):
Lancelot you might as well just fess upReally you're a different kind of guy
Move aside your scabbardFor underneath your tabard
There is waiting to escape a butterfly!
[Herbert and Concord take off Lancelot's sword and clothes, revealing tight clothes underneath. Father exit the stage and a few dancers enters]
Men:His...name...is LancelotAnd in tight pants a lotHe likes to dance a lot
You know you do
Lancelot: I do?
Men: So just say thanks a lotAnd try romance, it's hot!
Let's find out who's really you.His name is LancelotHe visits France a lot
He likes to dance a lot and dreamNo one would ever know
That this outrageous proBats for the other team.
Herbert:You're a knight who really likes his night life
And by day you really like to playYou can all find him pumping at the gym
At the Camelot Y.M.C.A.!
62
Men/Women: His name is Lancelot
La, la, laJust watch him dance a lot
La, la, laHe doesn't care what people say
La, la, la
Lance: No Way!
Men/Women: For when he starts to dance
La, la, laJust grab your underpants
La, la, la
Herbert: He can finally come out and say that he is G.A.
All: Y.M.C.A.
All: He's Gay!
Lancelot: Ok!
[The songs ends and the lights dim. When the lights go on again Arthur and Patsy are on the stage, alone, coking down a staircase.]
Arthur:Now, how many Jews have we got so far?
Patsy:Well, let's see. (Checking a roll of paper) None, sir.
Arthur:Oh, this is hopeless. It's so depressing. I didn't know a single Jewish person, and how on earth are we going to
get to Broadway? It's a thousand years in the future in a country that hasn't yet been discovered. So let me get this straight- I'm a king without a single knight to command, there's nobody. (Music starts) I'm absolutely
alone.(singing) I'm all alone
all by myselfthere is no one here beside me (Patsy stands really close
to the not-noticing Arthur)I'm all alone
quite, all aloneno one to comfort me or guide mewhy is there no one here with me
63
on the long and winding roadto lift my heavy load
if there were someone here with mehow happy i would be (Says this sentence to Patsy)
but im alonequite all alone
all by myself im all alone
I'm all alone(Patsy: he's all alone)
All by myself(Patsy: except for me)I cannot face tomorrow
(Patsy: he cannot face it)I'm all alone
(Patsy: Though i am here)So all alone
(Patsy: so very near)No one to share my sorrow
Patsy: You know it seems quite clear to me
because im working classi am just the horses asshe sells me down the riverso what am i, chopped liver?
Arthur: But i'm alone
(Patsy: oh no you're not!)So all alone
(Patsy: I'm here you twat!)All by myself im all alone
Background Knights (enter): he's all alone
Arthur: i'm all aloneKnights: all by himselfArthur: all by myself
Knights: there is no one here beside him, He's all aloneArthur: so all alone
Knights: apart from us,No one to comfort him or guide him
Arthur: each one of us is all aloneso what are we to do
in order to get throughwe must be lonely side by sideit's a perfect way to hide
Knights: we're all alone
64
Arthur: we're all aloneKnights: yes all aloneArthur: so all alone, each by ourselves we're all alone.
[Patsy hands Arthur a handkerchief, Arthur blows his nose and returns it to Patsy. The music ends. Arthur and Patsy are about to go when the lady of the lake enters from the top of the stairs.]
Lady:But you're not alone, Arthur! Haven't you noticed? I've been with you all the time! Who gave you the sword? Who made you king? Who welcomed you to Camelot? Who helped
you find the quest? Sure, I've been offstage for far too long. But I'm here to help you, and I always have been.
Arthur:You see, Patsy, I'm not alone.
Patsy:No, sir.
Arthur:The lady of the lake has been with me all the time.
Lady:And so has Patsy.
Arthur:Well, yes. But that's his family.
Lady:You see, Arthur dear, we're all here to help each other.
Arthur:Can you help me get to Broadway?
Lady:Yes! You are on Broadway!
[The three of them walk toward the front of the stage and look at the audience.]
Arthur:Oh my…
Lady:You've been on Broadway all the time!
65
Arthur (to the audience):Hi, hello. Are there any Jews here?
Patsy:The truth is, I'm Jewish, sir.
Arthur:You are?
Patsy:Yes, sir, on my mother's side.
Arthur:Well, why didn't you say so?
Patsy:Now that's not the sort of thing you'd tell to a heavily
armed Christian!
Arthur (to the lady of the lake):So, now what?
Lady:Now you have to finish the show. It is Broadway, so you'll have to find a grail and end with a wedding.
Arthur:But who can I possibly marry?
Lady:Well, let's see. It would have to be someone who loved
you.
Arthur:Yes.
Lady:And who cared enough to give you a word.
Arthur:Ah-ha.
Lady:To make you king.
Arthur:Yep.
Lady:Welcome you to Camelot.
66
Arthur:Yes.
Lady:Help you find your quest.
[Patsy whispers something in Arthur's ear.]
Arthur (finally realizing, to the lady of the lake):You!
Lady:Oh, that's an idea!
Arthur:But… But I thought you were a fairy.
Lady:Oh, no, that’s Lancelot! You missed that scene. Arthur, I
am as human as you are.
Arthur:And you will consent to be my bride?
Lady:Are you asking?
Arthur:Are you saying 'yes'?
Lady:Oh Arthur!
[They run toward each other, embracing and looking like they are about to kiss, when romantic music starts. But then they both looks at the front of the stage.]
Arthur and the lady of the lake (singing):Twice in every show
there comes a song like this.It starts off soft and low, and ends up with a kiss.
Oh this is the scene which ends like this.(They kiss)
Lady (Spoken):Find the grail, Arthur. And when you'll do I'll be there,
waiting for! Goodbye!
[Arthur and Patsy leave the stage, and the Lady leaves from the other side of it. As she's gone, Arthur comes
67
again, now riding a horse with his knights. In the middle of the stage, they stop and start dancing a bit, then continue to ride. They do this again, every time they exit from one side of the stage and entering from it again- every time in another style of music. Finally there is thunder and clouds near the ground. The knights stop. On a cloud is flying a man with goat horns on his head- Tim the enchanter.]
Tim The enchanter:Greetings.
Arthur:What manner of man are you that hovers in the air without
string or visible supporting device?
Tim:I am an enchanter.
Arthur:But what name are you known?
Tim:There are some who call me… Tim.
Robin:Tim. What a really scary name.
[Thunder and lightning strikes, and the clouds disappear. Tim is still in the air, about a small green hill with flowers and skeletons on it.]
Arthur:Greetings, oh Tim.
Tim:Greetings, king Arthur.
Arthur:Oh, you know my name.
Tim: I do. You seek the Holy Grail on Broadway.
Arthur:You know much that is hidden, O Tim.
Tim:Quite. lies the cave within curved upon the very rock there will be a clue which shall lead you directly to
your goal.
68
[The knights start arguing loudly.]
Tim:But!! Think well before you step into this cave. For the entrance way is guarded by a beast so foul, so cruel, no
man yet has fought this evil beast and lived!So brave knights, forget big, pointy, nasty teeth.
Arthur:What an eccentric performance.
[A small, white rabbit appears on the hill.]
Tim:Too late! There it is.
Arthur:Where?
Tim (Points down at the rabbit):There.
Arthur:What, behind the rabbit?
Tim:It is the rabbit.
[The knights start laughing.]
Arthur:You silly sod! You had this long worked out.
Tim:Look, this is not an ordinary rabbit. This is a most
foul, cruel, bad tempered thing you've ever set eyes on.
Galahad:What's he do? Nibble your bum?
Tim:This rabbit has most vicious streak. It's a killer!
ROBINYou tit. I soiled my armor I was so scared!
Arthur:Go and change (Robin exits).
Patsy:
69
You Scottish pansy!
Tim:He'll do you up a treat mate!
Arthur:Oh yeah?
Bedevere:Mangy Scot git!
Tim:I'm warning you!
Arthur:Bors?
[Bors, a background knight, comes forward.]
Bord:Yes, sir?
Arthur:Come on, Bors. chop its head off.
BORSRight. Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew coming up.
[Bors is coming toward the rabbit. the rabbit jumps at him, biting his head off as Bors screams.]
Arthur:Jesus Christ!
Tim:I warned you! He's not so tall now, is he? Oh, but you
knew it all, didn't you? No, it's just a harmless little bunny, ha ha. Well, don't say I didn't say so.
[He flies off]Arthur:
We better not risk another fatal assault, that rabbit is dynamite.
Bedevere:Well, we have the Holy hand grenade.
Arthur:Of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. 'Tis one of
the sacred relics Brother Maynard carries with him. Brother Maynard! Bring the Holy hand grenade.
70
[Brother Maynard enters, carrying a book.]
Arthur:How does it work?
Brother Maynard:Book of Armaments Chapter one, verses nine and twenty
seven. (reading from the book) And St. Attila raised his hand grenade up on high saying
"O Lord bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy. "and the Lord did grin and people did feast upon the
lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orang-utans and-
Arthur:Skip a bit brother ...
Brother Maynard (Skips a bit until Arthur stops him):And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out
the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that
thou then proceed to three.Five is right out. Once the number three, being the
third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thou foe, who being naughty in
my sight, shall snuff it. Amen.
All:Amen.
Brother Maynard:And now we shall rise and sing get your hand of my knee
you bloody old bustard.
Knights (singing):Get your hand off my knee-
Arthur:We have no time for that. Right. (He takes the Holy hand grenade from a monk and gold it out.) One, two, five-
Patsy:Three, sir.
Arthur:Three!
71
[He throws the Holy hand grenade at the hill, and it explodes. the hill falls and reveal a French guard, holding the rabbit which appears to be a puppet. He runs away from there. Where the hill was, there is now the letters AIOI in stone.]
Bedevere:Behold, sire! The clue! A.I.O.I!
Arthur:A.I.O.I? It's a bit cryptic, isn’t it?
Bedevere:Sire, perhaps it's Hebrew. "Ai Oi".
Lancelot:Maybe it's Aioi?
Arthur:What's that?
Lancelot:Aioi it's a delicious part of
Bedevere:Maybe he was passing out. "Aioi!"
Arthur:Well he could be bothering to carve it on a rock.
Galahad:Could it be an I for an eye?
Arthur:Oh, that's good!
Bedevere:I would if it could be a number.
Arthur:Well, it could be, but how would that help?
Bedevere:We would need to find something that's numbered A 1 0 1.
Arthur:A 1 0 1… A 1 0 1…
Galahad:Got to be right under our feet.
72
[Everybody kneel and pray.]
Arthur:Oh lord, we're a bit stunt with the clue thing. We
beseech thee to give us a hand.
[A huge hand comes down from the sky, pointing at the first seat from the right at the first row. Patsy walks towards it.]
Arthur:Of course! It is in the audience! Row A seat one-o-one!
Patsy (Points at the person sitting in that seat):It's you! Stand up, peasant. (The man stands up) Oh sire,
look, we have found the Holy Grail!
[Patsy takes the Holy Grail from underneath the man's seat, and shakes the man's hand.]
Bedevere:How very clever. It went through the fourth wall.
Arthur:Of course the Grail will always be found in the hearts of
those who gather together and believe in it.
Robin:Oh, sire. Shouldn't we reward this humble peasant who's
been fortunate enough to be sitting on the Grail?
Arthur:Absolutely, bring forward the peasant.
[The knights clap their hands while Patsy is leading the man up the stage to Arthur. They shake hands, and the curtain goes down behind the knights.]
Arthur:How do you do, peasant? What's your name?
Man:*says his name*
Arthur:*repeats the name*, You name will be revered and renown
forever.Along with the names of mayor Julianni and Jerry . You
have been nominated for an Arthur for best peasant in New York. May I see the envelope, please?
73
Patsy:And the Arthur goes to… I hope it's for you… *says the
man's name*!!
[The knights cheer.]Arthur:
People of New York, let us say thanks to *the man* for finding the Holy Grail, here, in New York City.
All (singing):The Holy Grail's been found, this peasant is renowned.
Thanks to *the man*-(They stop, smiling to a camera)The Holy Grail's been found,
finally found!
[With music on the background, the man receives the photo, shake hands and go off the stage. The knights cheer.]
Arthur:And now, we can finish with a wedding.
(The lady enters)Wow, lady, you look amazing. But wait, I can't just call
you 'lady'. Do you have a name?
Lady:Everybody has a name, Arthur.
Arthur:Well, what's yours?
[The lady walks toward him.]
Lady:My name is Gwenevere.
The knights:Ooohhh… (Hurry to exit the stage. Arthur is kneeling.)
Arthur:Gwenevere, will you marry me?
Lady:Let me think (drops the sleeves of her dress, making it
look like a wedding gown.). All right.
[Arthur and the lady are holding hands, and the curtain rises, revealing a Vegas Drive-Up Wedding Chapel. As the music starts, the Girls enter in short Wedding Dresses.]
74
Girls:We are not yet wed
And we're nearly at the endIt is time that we
Went and found a friendIs there someone who
Can help us in out quest?We're already dressed
Although we're not yet wed.
(Enter the boys with top hats and tails.)
Men:We are not yet dead
That’s the best thing to be saidWe are not yet dead
So we might as well get wedCould it be much worse
Is marriage such a curse?Might as well get married
Cos we are not yet wed
(Wedding Match.Enter Lancelot and Herbert married. In great fasions.)
Herbert:So you see it’s all a show, happy ending and all
And that just makes me want to sing…
(They all look for Father but he doesn’t come on so Herbert starts to sing…)
Herbert:When you’re lostOn life’s trail
And you feel doomed to failDo not fail
Find Your MaleFind Your Male
That’s your Grail
Lance (spoken):Just think Herbert, in a thousand years time this will
still be controversial.
(Enter Robin, suitably dressed in white tie and tails.)
Robin (spoken):And I too have found my grail!
75
Ensemble:What’s that?
Robin:Musical Theatre!
Robin (singing):You can singYou can dance
And you won’t soil your pantsIn your white tie and tail
Find your GrailFind your Grail
Chorus:Hallelujah a Broadway wedding!
(Enter Arthur and Guinevere married. Guinevere is in a gorgeous wedding gown.)
Arthur and Guinevere:So be strong
Chorus:Here comes the bride
A&G:Keep right on.
Chorus:Here comes the groom
A&G:To the end of your song
Chorus:Hallelujah
Guinevere:Do not fail
Find your Male
Arthur:Dressed in ‘mail’Find your Grail
Chorus:Sing Hallelujah they’ve found their grail.
Arthur:Life is really up to you
76
You must choose what to pursue
Chorus:A Broadway wedding
Guinevere:Set your mind on what to find
And there’s nothing you can’t do
All:Go and find your grail
Arthur and Guinevere:So keep right to the end
You’ll find your goal my friend
Chorus:Find you friend!
All:Then the prize you won’t fail
Find your GrailFind your Grail!
Father (enters, spoken):Stop that. Stop that. Stop it! No more bloody singing!
(Lancelot whacks him on the head)
Chorus:For this is the Show that ends like this!
[The curtain goes down, and the music of The Knights Of The Round Table is playing, while the actors are coming to the stage to bow. After all the cast is on the stage, they all sing together:]
All:Always look on the bright side of lifeAlways look on the right side of life.
If life's seems jolly rotten, there's something you've forgotten
and that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.When you're feeling in the dumps, don't be silly chumpsJust purse your lips and whistle - that's the thing.
And- Always look on the bright side of lifeAlways look on the bright…
Side of life!Side of life!Side of life!Company bow!
77
[they all bow again.]
The end!
78
