Engaging the non-Engaging the non-offendingoffending

parent in a process of parent in a process of changechange

Dr. Karen M. Nielsen, Dr. Karen M. Nielsen, Registered Clinical Social WorkerRegistered Clinical Social Worker

&&Dr. Ann Marie DewhurstDr. Ann Marie DewhurstRegistered PsychologistRegistered Psychologist

Two StoriesTwo Stories

Cindy’s StoryCindy’s Story Crystal’s StoryCrystal’s Story

Reflect on your initial responses to the Reflect on your initial responses to the two stories. Write this down and park it two stories. Write this down and park it for now.for now.

What are your initial reactions to mom in each What are your initial reactions to mom in each of the stories.of the stories.

Physical Physical Emotional Emotional Cognitive – thoughts and beliefsCognitive – thoughts and beliefs ProfessionalProfessional

After disclosureAfter disclosure

Social System’sNeeds & Demands

Partner’sNeeds&

Demands

MandatedSystems’Needs & Demands

Child’sneeds & demand

Non Offendingparent

However…However…

Three agendasThree agendas Therapeutic – to help support and Therapeutic – to help support and

protect the child.protect the child. Investigative – to find out “what Investigative – to find out “what

happened” and decide parental happened” and decide parental competencies.competencies.

Judicial – to assist the judicial system to Judicial – to assist the judicial system to stop and charge the offender.stop and charge the offender.

Creating ResistanceCreating Resistance

Where the agendas conflict the Where the agendas conflict the Investigative and Judicial agendas Investigative and Judicial agendas are privileged.are privileged. Parents understand this.Parents understand this. This can support resistance.This can support resistance.

Non-offending Parental Non-offending Parental ResponsesResponses

Working WithNurturingExpressiveSeekingEngagingCollaborative

AmbivalentQuestioningLostUnsureFrustratedHelplessStressedConfusedDistancing/ avoidant

Working AgainstAngryOverwhelmedDefiant“antisocial”DefensiveHopelessRejecting / avoidant

Defining ResistanceDefining Resistance

Opposition to somebody or something.Opposition to somebody or something. Refusing to accept or comply with Refusing to accept or comply with

something.something. Attempt to avoid damaging effects.Attempt to avoid damaging effects. Attempt to maintain power or control.Attempt to maintain power or control. Force opposing another force.Force opposing another force.

FearFear

People are often afraid of what they People are often afraid of what they don’t know or understand.don’t know or understand.

People are often afraid of what they People are often afraid of what they might lose or what they might have might lose or what they might have to do.to do.

People are not always confident in People are not always confident in their ability to make change.their ability to make change.

Fear and ResistanceFear and Resistance

Understanding the non-Understanding the non-offending parent’s contextoffending parent’s context

Resiliencies

Cultural Context

Social Supports

PowerDynamics In family

Family structure

Past trauma experiences

Overall level of functioning

Financial situation

Non-offending parent

Expanding ContextExpanding Context

Adherence to female stereotypeAdherence to female stereotype Being a mother is life goalBeing a mother is life goal Need a man Need a man Belief in Prince Charming and Happy Ever AfterBelief in Prince Charming and Happy Ever After Lack of voice and powerLack of voice and power

Unsupportive environmentsUnsupportive environments Financially unstable and under fundedFinancially unstable and under funded Constant moving and changing home environmentsConstant moving and changing home environments Negative peers or partner’s negative peersNegative peers or partner’s negative peers Physical isolation – rural, no car, etc.Physical isolation – rural, no car, etc.

Expanding ContextExpanding Context

Lack of education/underemployed/overworkedLack of education/underemployed/overworked

Lack of positive mentors & supportsLack of positive mentors & supports Poor & / or distant relationship with mother Poor & / or distant relationship with mother Absent or abusive fatherAbsent or abusive father Abandonment issues with significant care giversAbandonment issues with significant care givers Limited social connectionsLimited social connections

Expanding ContextExpanding Context

Trauma experiencesTrauma experiences Early childhood sexual and/or physical abuseEarly childhood sexual and/or physical abuse Witness to domestic violenceWitness to domestic violence Battering experiences as adult by one or more partnersBattering experiences as adult by one or more partners Emotional neglect and absence of experienced nurturingEmotional neglect and absence of experienced nurturing

AddictionAddiction Drugs and alcoholDrugs and alcohol GamblingGambling Internet chat roomsInternet chat rooms

Mental health issuesMental health issues FASDFASD Depression & anxiety disordersDepression & anxiety disorders PTSDPTSD Eating & sleeping disorders, dissociative coping patterns, etc.Eating & sleeping disorders, dissociative coping patterns, etc.

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Maslow’s Hierarchy of NeedsNeeds

PhysiologicalPhysiological = health, food, sleep= health, food, sleep SafetySafety = shelter, removal from danger = shelter, removal from danger BelongingBelonging = love, affection, being a part of = love, affection, being a part of

groups (including a couple or family group)groups (including a couple or family group) EsteemEsteem = self-esteem and esteem from others = self-esteem and esteem from others

Need to know and understandNeed to know and understand Self-actualizationSelf-actualization = =

achieving individual potential.achieving individual potential. transcendence = helping others achieve their potentialtranscendence = helping others achieve their potential

Understanding a Parent’s Understanding a Parent’s context helps by…context helps by…

allowing us to understand important allowing us to understand important sources of resistance.sources of resistance.

When we have a better understanding of When we have a better understanding of the source of resistance we can:the source of resistance we can: build alliances to overcome what is troubling build alliances to overcome what is troubling

the parent.the parent. avoid engaging in power struggles that keeps avoid engaging in power struggles that keeps

people stuck.people stuck.

Push & PullPush & Pull

PushingPushing = forcing someone to act where = forcing someone to act where they have no option but to obey.they have no option but to obey. Based on another having authority that impacts Based on another having authority that impacts

the needs of the person.the needs of the person. The level of threat is perceived as high and real.The level of threat is perceived as high and real.

PullingPulling = creating conditions that they = creating conditions that they chose themselves. chose themselves. showing them how something else will be showing them how something else will be

beneficial to them. beneficial to them. They decide rather than just you deciding. They decide rather than just you deciding.

Example of pushing & Example of pushing & pullingpulling

Kids taken into care (push)Kids taken into care (push) Won’t come home until you change (push)Won’t come home until you change (push) Push to complyPush to comply

Compliance for conformity sake (push)Compliance for conformity sake (push) Seek to engage on shared understanding of Seek to engage on shared understanding of

safety (pull)safety (pull) Resist acceptance of the major theme of Resist acceptance of the major theme of

person is problem (pull)person is problem (pull) Externalise the problem (pull)Externalise the problem (pull)

PushPush

Short term option.Short term option. Creates fearCreates fear

Create the crisis in some casesCreate the crisis in some cases Requires the least effort from Requires the least effort from

external sources.external sources. Works best in situations where you Works best in situations where you

just need to get people moving.just need to get people moving.

PullingPulling

Creates desire rather than fearCreates desire rather than fear Involves changing how the person Involves changing how the person

perceives the world such that they perceives the world such that they want to changewant to change

Involves learning about:Involves learning about: what the person wants what the person wants how they decide what they want.how they decide what they want.

Starting to PullStarting to Pull

Where and how you’ve lived Where and how you’ve lived influences how you understand influences how you understand reality – experience matters.reality – experience matters.

The words you use can be liberating The words you use can be liberating or limiting – our reality is reflected in or limiting – our reality is reflected in our language.our language.

Starting to PullStarting to Pull

We have to have a model to move to We have to have a model to move to before change can happen.before change can happen. stories of change help to model change. stories of change help to model change. The stories we experienced influence The stories we experienced influence

our ability to see possibilities and have our ability to see possibilities and have hope.hope.

When we shift our viewpoint within When we shift our viewpoint within our own stories we see new options our own stories we see new options for alternative truths.for alternative truths.

Helper’s Helper’s viewpointviewpoint

Return to your reflection and the two Return to your reflection and the two storiesstories Has your reaction changed Has your reaction changed What biases might you have when What biases might you have when

working with these women?working with these women? Which woman would you find easier to Which woman would you find easier to

help?help?

Lets take a breakLets take a break

10 minutes please10 minutes please

InterventionsInterventions

Non-offending Parental Non-offending Parental ResponsesResponses

Working WithNurturingExpressiveSeekingEngagingCollaborative

AmbivalentQuestioningLostUnsureFrustratedHelplessStressedConfusedDistancing/ avoidant

Working AgainstAngryOverwhelmedDefiant“antisocial”DefensiveHopelessRejecting / avoidant

Resistance is not futileResistance is not futile

Resistive Non-offending ParentsResistive Non-offending Parents Have experience resisting. Have experience resisting.

Resistance is how they have survived. Resistance is how they have survived. We do what we know. Coping strategies previously We do what we know. Coping strategies previously

called upon return and are sometimes amplified.called upon return and are sometimes amplified. It may not be efficient but it is better than no response.It may not be efficient but it is better than no response.

Are survivors of abuse themselves and are Are survivors of abuse themselves and are coping with PTSDcoping with PTSD

Are often socially isolated with few positive Are often socially isolated with few positive supports.supports.

Our RoleOur Role

Reframe resistance as a rational Reframe resistance as a rational response to a potentially damaging response to a potentially damaging situation.situation. Identify beliefs about “damage”Identify beliefs about “damage” Identify parent’s understanding of Identify parent’s understanding of

“help”“help” Develop a mutual understanding of the Develop a mutual understanding of the

“problem”.“problem”.

Our RoleOur Role

Reframe the abuse to support action by the Reframe the abuse to support action by the non-offending parent:non-offending parent: Discuss how abuse happens (offence Discuss how abuse happens (offence

progression).progression). Debunk myths about sexual abuse perpetrators Debunk myths about sexual abuse perpetrators

and victims.and victims. Discuss how good people can do bad things:Discuss how good people can do bad things:

Offender’s motivation.Offender’s motivation. Non-offending parent’s responses to disclosure.Non-offending parent’s responses to disclosure. Non-offending parent’s choice of partner in first Non-offending parent’s choice of partner in first

place.place. Discuss what natural consequences to abuse Discuss what natural consequences to abuse

might be and why they are important.might be and why they are important.

Understanding TroubleUnderstanding Trouble

Trouble Hibernates

Trouble Enters and settles in

Trouble shows its

face

Coping with

trouble’s wake

Break outBreak out

Brainstorm how you might help Cindy Brainstorm how you might help Cindy or Crystal define “trouble” in their or Crystal define “trouble” in their situations?situations?

Brainstorm how you might Brainstorm how you might externalize trouble with Cindy or externalize trouble with Cindy or Crystal?Crystal?

Intervention ModelIntervention Model

Accept and validate the non-offending parent’s Accept and validate the non-offending parent’s story.story. Look for connections to alternative stories and themes Look for connections to alternative stories and themes Validate the parent as “expert” in their life story.Validate the parent as “expert” in their life story.

Consider “trouble” from all perspectivesConsider “trouble” from all perspectives ExternaliseExternalise “trouble” so that it can be considered “trouble” so that it can be considered

by all involved.by all involved. Offer alternative understandings of “trouble” so the Offer alternative understandings of “trouble” so the

story can be re-written with hope.story can be re-written with hope. Offer alternative understandings of how change Offer alternative understandings of how change

happens and what change can look like.happens and what change can look like. Focus on empowerment.Focus on empowerment.

InterventionIntervention

Therapeutic StoriesTherapeutic Stories I know this other woman who…I know this other woman who… Another client I know …Another client I know …

Listen to major themes in the presented Listen to major themes in the presented story.story. Invite the major story.Invite the major story. Invite sub-plots to be told.Invite sub-plots to be told. Listen for a variety of themes and dynamics to Listen for a variety of themes and dynamics to

arisearise

The Backpack StoryThe Backpack Story

It’s not true – Harry / George It’s not true – Harry / George wouldn’t do that…wouldn’t do that…

Ask about beliefsAsk about beliefs Can good people do bad things? Can good people do bad things?

(separate person from the problem)(separate person from the problem) Ask about experiences with change?Ask about experiences with change?

Can people change after making big Can people change after making big mistakes? (normalize change processes, mistakes? (normalize change processes, educate regarding recidivism & educate regarding recidivism & treatment, generate hope)treatment, generate hope)

The Miracle QuestionThe Miracle Question

Engaging MotivationEngaging Motivation

Express EmpathyExpress Empathy Develop DiscrepancyDevelop Discrepancy

Developing a dialogue exploring Developing a dialogue exploring life with and without “trouble”life with and without “trouble”

Roll with ResistanceRoll with Resistance Avoid power struggles – Judo v. KarateAvoid power struggles – Judo v. Karate Accept and validate the parent’s starting story.Accept and validate the parent’s starting story.

Support Self-efficacySupport Self-efficacy

Transforming ResistanceTransforming Resistance

Clarify the dominant stories Clarify the dominant stories Look for alternative stories where themes of Look for alternative stories where themes of

action, cooperation and collaboration exist.action, cooperation and collaboration exist. Negotiate what aspects of the story needs to be Negotiate what aspects of the story needs to be

changed and in what order. changed and in what order. Find agreement.Find agreement. Create change strategies highlighted in Create change strategies highlighted in

alternative stories part of a more dominant story alternative stories part of a more dominant story – one of hope rather than resistance & despair.– one of hope rather than resistance & despair.

Clarify what might need to happen for more Clarify what might need to happen for more change to occur on the shared goals.change to occur on the shared goals.

Contact InformationContact Information

Karen M. Nielsen, Ph.D. Karen M. Nielsen, Ph.D. karenn@athabascau.cakarenn@athabascau.ca

Ann Marie Dewhurst, Ph.D. Ann Marie Dewhurst, Ph.D. valerian@telus.netvalerian@telus.net

Valerian ConsultingValerian Consulting9412 91 Street,9412 91 Street,Edmonton, ABEdmonton, AB

T6C 3P4T6C 3P4Phone: 780-485-5119 Fax: 780-485-5191Phone: 780-485-5119 Fax: 780-485-5191