E M P OW E R M E N T

Edition no. 60 Autumn 2016

Welcome to the Autumn edition of Family Drug Help’s newsletter. we have chosen to focus on em-powerment for this edition. There is a long held belief that families are often powerless over their loved one’s addiction. With good inten-tions, statements such as “there is nothing you can do,” are often gently relayed to families. Whilst there is truth in this statement, at Family Drug Hellp we actually believe such statements can leave families with a prevailing sense of helplessness and disempower-ment. There can be an enormous sense of feeling trapped and a devastating loss of hope. This the last thing we want to promote.

It is important to recognise that change comes from within. It’s

an individual process and one that takes time. As family members we cannot hurry someone’s motiva-tion to change. In fact, when we do put our efforts and energy into

trying to enforce change upon another, it can often lead to conflict and disengagement. Think about it, if someone is telling you NOT to eat the chocolate cake, a good proportion of us would become defiant and eat the cake.

So what can we do? We can gather information, get

support, learn new alternative strategies, model self care. These are all excellent methods of em-powerment. When we are in charge and focused on our own lives we can gain a sense of ease DESPITE the chaos that surrounds us.

Please read ahead to the articles in this newsletter to

learn about different techniques that can improve the way you percieve the issues that you are struggling with and the way you may percieve yourself. We wish you all the best and we’re here if you need to talk about anything.

The Team at Family Drug Help 1300 660 068

To empower is the ability to make someone strong and more confident, especially in controlling their life and claiming their rights.

The first thing is to:• Educate yourself. Knowledge is power. So educate yourself

about the disease of addiction.

• Face Reality. Facing our truth takes courage. Being in denial just prolongs the agony of addiction and could prevent recovery for years.

• Exercise. This offers a physical and mental relief from stress.

• Boundaries. Imagine a life where you have clear guidelines on what is and is not acceptable to you. We support our loved one’s addiction when we deny them the chance to find their own strength.

• Support. Attend a support group. To be in a space with others experiencing similar pain can be healing and ease the stigma. We can learn from others who have walked the path. Professional support is imperative from a person experienced in addiction.

• Forgive. There are many things our loved ones have done during their addiction that seem unforgivable. They may have lied, stolen, crashed the car, or been abusive. The list can go on. When we forgive we get back our power that we have given away. It is now ours to keep and we can use this power to help ourselves become accountable for finding joy in our lives.

• Remember. One small step at a time can make a difference.

Courage,

Strength & HopeWatching 60 Minutes (Sunday 13th December) the story about families coping with change in their lives, and how they move on from the loss of a loved one or work through the pain and recovery of personal injury, I had tears rolling down my face. My Grandma always said it doesn’t matter what’s happening in your own life there is always someone worse off than you and although for the most part it is true, sometimes it’s hard to be positive.

For a long time, unbeknown to me, my husband had a drug addiction. It stretched back as far as 2012 to most of this year (2015). For now, he is on an even keel enjoying life again, interacting with the family and friends and a very special time with the grand children.You would think that I would be able to move forward now,

but I feel broken, squashed, so sad and disappointed in so many ways. Life goes on in amongst all the chaos and usually I’d have good days and bad, but now after taking so many hits personally, I find it hard to bounce back.

Along the way I lived with my mum’s addiction to prescrip-tion drugs, my hubby’s

alcohol bingeing (he is dry now). The loss of my Auntie and Dad both to cancer, I had surgery, lost my job, had more surgery and a new job went pear shaped.

I have never been able to stay still for long. I try to stay busy, that way the less I think about things. Even as a kid I never understood life. I have a few good friends, my boys and their families to thank for the last 6 months who have helped pull me forwards.

I do not know what the future will bring BUT, I’m looking forward to 2016 and positive new beginnings.

By Naomi.

IDENTIFY YOUR GOOD POINTS

What do you like about yourself, however little?

What positive qualities do you possess?

What have you achieved this week, however small?

What have you achieved at any point in your life, however small?

What challenges have you faced?

What gifts or talents do you have, however modest?

What skills have you acquired?

What do other people seem to like or value in you?

What qualities and actions do you value in other people and think you might share?

What aspects of yourself would you appreciate if they were aspects of another person?

What small positives are you ignoring?

How might someone who cared about you describe you?

Basic Human Rights1. The right to be treated with respect and dignity

2. The right to reject a request without feeling guilty or selfish

3. The right to express your own feelings

4. The right to express you own opinions

5. The right to stop and think before acting

6. The right to change your mind

7. The right to ask for what you want (realising that others have the right to say “no”)

8. The right to be independent

9. The right to decide what to do with your own body, time and properties

10. The right to ask for information

11. The right to make mistakes and be responsible for them

12. The right to feel good about yourself

13. The right to get what you pay for

14. The right to have rights and defend them

15. The right to be listened to and taken seriously

16. The right to be alone when you decide so

17. The right to do anything while you do not violate other’s human rights

18. The right to do less than you are humanly able to do

They are a mix of men and women, of adults from various life stages. They look like just ordinary people as they appear in dribs and drabs at the meeting room from the dark carpark. But they are not ordinary people. They have one thing in common, something that is not obvious when one looks at them. Every one of them has been through hell and back, not once, but many times.

Being a parent of someone with an addiction to alcohol or drugs is a pretty tough gig. Fortunately each of these people has the support of the other battle-scarred parents who have been through the very same wars. It is the monthly meeting of a support group for parents of people who are addicted to alcohol or drugs. I look around at the others seated in a circle. Good people, who have done nothing to deserve such a fate. You would never imagine what each one of

them has been through, unless you have been there yourself: the police and the Crisis Assessment Team being called to their homes; a much loved child’s violent mood swings, depression, destructive behaviour, physical threats, talk of suicide and mindless anger; the holes that have been hit in the walls and doors of their houses and the smashed windows; the total disconnect between parents and child and the absence of meaning-ful communication.

We support each other to keep our sanity in the midst of this tsunami. It is comforting to be part of a community of people that are in the same situation. We speak the same language and nod knowingly when someone describes a particularly harrowing situation. All of us still love the affected child dearly, but we know full well that the person whom we love has been invaded by an alien force whose evil knows no boundaries.

Novice group members invariably come looking for a cure for their loved one. The majority of us, who have been dealing with this issue for years, know that there is no magic wand, but we are careful not to say things that would destroy their hope. We refrain from pulling the blindfold from their eyes,

The long and winding road

sparing them from being confronted head-on with the

long and winding road ahead, with its periods of hope and optimism interspersed with the bitter disappointments whenever the inevitable relapses occur.

We learn from each other and give each other moral support. Many of us have suffered feelings of terrible guilt at some stage and have wondered what we could have done differently so that our child could have escaped the shackles of addiction. I have often asked myself if the outcome would have been different if we had sent our child to a different school, or if we had moved to a smaller town. If anyone raises this issue the other group members immediately reassure the person that it is no-one’s fault and that addiction can take hold of anyone’s child, regardless of the parents’ best efforts. Drugs are everywhere. There is nothing that anyone of us could have done to protect our child from them.

We each get a turn to report on how our loved one is doing. Small indications of progress towards recovery are celebrated. Setbacks and horrific experiences are aired in the company of others who have all been there before, many times, and who can therefore understand exactly what the speaker is going through.

At tonight’s meeting I report that I am getting better at dealing with my son’s relapses and mostly manage to avoid being dragged down into an emotional abyss when they occur. “The difficult thing for me now,” I tell the others, “is to stop worrying about the likelihood that he will die from an overdose. His best friend, a lovely girl, will not see him anymore because she believes that the drugs will kill him and she can’t bear it. I know that it is out of my hands, but I still lie awake about that some nights.”

Later in the meeting we get to tell the others what we have done for our own welfare over the past month. We understand how important it is not to let our own wellbeing be dictated by the addict’s problems and issues. I tell them that I go for long walks to alleviate some of the stress of seeing our gifted, beloved child destroy his mental and physical health every day with drugs. It doesn’t solve the problem, but it helps me to cope better with the reality of the situation.

After the meeting I walk out into the night with a lighter tread. Thanks to the support and understanding of the other group members, some of the dead weight has been lifted from my heart.

Tim

Are you empowering or enabling?

How can you tell if you are enabling someone in your life with addiction, or empowering?

A difficult question to answer:

It has been said that if the action you are helping them with is enhancing their life and is something that you feel good about doing, in most cases it is probably OK. However if you are intimidated into making a decision that you do not feel comfortable with, or the action you are taking is only warding off certain consequences, it may be that you are enabling the addiction or illness of someone. It is difficult at times, and it is a learning process.

We take time to make change and quite often we will decide to not enable the addiction of our loved one, however we “bust” our decision and

lend them money yet again. As with the person in addiction, it takes a few goes before we can do it each time and before we can feel comfortable with doing this. Quite often we have to reach our own rock bottom before we make decisions today about enabling that we couldn’t make a few months or years ago.

Giving our loved one choices about how we decide to move forward is often more acceptable than setting threats. We may need to let them know beforehand that we are not going to pick them up if and when they spend their money for a taxi on alcohol. We need to have conver-sations around not lending money beforehand and calmly and assertively put this to them.

When the time comes for us not to enable, but empower them, we can refer to our discussions earlier about what decisions and boundaries we had set. As we know, manipulation

and coercion from them can occur and they won’t like the decisions and boundaries we set, however most things that are good for us we don’t like in the first place anyway!!

Here are some questions you may ask yourself about whether you are an enabler or not.• Do you often ignore unacceptable behaviour?

• Do you find yourself resenting responsibilities that you take on?

• Do you constantly put your own needs and desires aside in order to help someone else?

• Do you have trouble expressing your own emotions?

• Do you ever feel fearful that not doing something will cause a blow up, make the person leave you, or even result in violence?

• Do you ever lie to cover for someone else’s mistakes?

• Do you consistently assign blame for problems to other people rather than the one who is really responsible?

• Do you continue to offer help when it is never appreciated or acknowledged?

The more positive your words, the more power you convey.

DISEMPOWERING VS. EMPOWERING SPEECH

Should Can or could

Must I would like to

Have to Do it for me and enjoy it

Can’t I will do my best

Try Just do it

Too hard I don’t know how but I will learn

I can’t afford it My priorities are somewhere else

I can’t believe it Believe it

Don’t forget Please remember

Don’t drop that Hold on tight and be careful

I’m sick and tired I’ve had enough or need a change

I’m dying to I really want to or I would like to

Silly me I could do better

I’m too busy I will make time

I can’t wait until I will be so happy when

I don’t deserve this I am worthy of the best

You are a pain in the neck Your actions could be better

The Body is The Barometer of the Soul II. by Annette Noontil

Your stories, poems or artwork can be inspiring to other

family members. All contributions are welcome no matter how large or small.

Email: info@sharc.com.au

Family Drug Help would love to hear fromYOU

We reguarly post articles related to addiction and the drug

and alcohol sector.

www.familydrughelp.com/ facebook

A day in the life of a Helpline Volunteer.

My favourite day of the week is Thursday. I arrive at SHARC to

begin my 4 hour shift on the helpline at Family Drug Help. Through my own personal lived experience, I am able to offer support, compassion and empathy to family members’, struggling with their loved ones drug use.

During these four hours, I do my absolute best to empower those on the other end of the phone line. Family members deserve this nurturing space, where they can be heard and take some time out for themselves. So what is empowerment to me?

Being a volunteer is empowerment, taking time out of my day to be there for others.

Empowerment is listening to others and being the support that they need. Empowerment is letting families know that they too can be heard.

Empowerment is helping family members see the sunflowers in the field.Empowerment is inspiring family members to take charge of their wellbeing.

Empowerment is as Gandhi said ‘being the change that we want to see in the world’.

By empowering myself through my own struggles, I am able to empower family members to focus on their own self care, so we can all have a brighter tomorrow.

And this is the best thing about volunteering at Family Drug Help, each day, I know I am making a difference.

Together, we can all through this together.

By Kiandra Harris

Wobbly Boots is a delightfully illustrated story for lower primary aged children. The story follows the emotional journey of a young child who is confused by the changing behaviour of a parent dealing with alcohol abuse. Sensitively written, Wobbly Boots helps all children to identify the difference between a person and their behaviour, ensuring family connectedness remains strong. A story of love and hope, Wobbly Boots promotes open healthy communication about children's fears.

Available from:www.spiderlee.net.au/contact/

Call our 24 hour 7 days a week

Helpline1300 660 068

Want to talk to someone who understands what it’s like to have a family member with

problematic alcohol and other drug use?

Sometimes you may feel you need to talk to someone who knows what it’s like to love someone who’s misusing drugs/alcohol.

Family Drug Help offers a confidential telephone service which provides support to family members in need. We are staffed by

trained volunteers ordinary people who are just like you: mothers, fathers, grandparents, siblings, partners, sons, daughters

and friends. (Monday - Friday 9-5pm)

Having a bad day? Ring the Family Drug Helpline and they can talk you through it.

“The Helpline and the volunteers who have lived through similar circumstances were a godsend during those early months of not knowing

where to turn or what to do.“

You can ring the Helpline on 1300 660 068 for support, information, referrals and above all, to be heard.

Disclaimer: Family Drug help is a Victorian service providing information and support to the families and friends of people who use drugs. The ideas and views of personal contributions to the Family Drug Help Newsletter are not necessarily those of Family Drug Help, its auspicing agencies or the editorial committee. Any comments should be made via letters to the Editor that can be published or directed to the authors/artists them-selves. All articles and artwork in the Family Drug Help Newsletter remain the copyright of the original artist/author and may be reproduced with permission.

“Incredible change happens in your life

when you decide to take control of what you do

have power over instead of craving control over what you don’t.”Steve Maraboli

“Confidence and empowerment are cousins in my opinion. Empowerment comes from within and typically it’s

stemmed and fostered by self-assurance. To feel empowered is to feel free and that’s when people do their best

work. You can’t fake confidence or empowerment.”

Amy Jo Martin

the supper club

The supper club is a place you are able to come to gain support and talk

openly about a loved one who has passed away as a result of substance use.

The group meets on the second Tuesday of the month at at SHARC, 140 Grange Road, from 6pm - 8pm.

A light meal is provided.To attend the group contact

John on 9573 1784

Family Drug Help offers the Action for Recovery Course (ARC) for family members of a person with problematic alcohol or other drug use. ARC provides families with a new set of skills to help improve their relationships. It runs for six consecutive weeks for two hours each week. The cost is $60.00 per person

which covers resources and refreshments.

For details of forthcoming program dates please go to www.familydrughelp.com.au or call the

ARC facilitator on 9573 1761email: arc@sharc.org.au

Some comments from recent participants: I have put boundaries in place and I am no longer covering up for her. I don’t feel so guilty.

I didn’t realise how broken I was. I have learned to repair myself brick by brick.

It helped to know we weren’t the only ones going through thisand our response was quite normal.

Please put me on the Family Drug Help Mailing List

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Return to : Newsletter, Family Drug Help. 140 Grange Road. Carnegie, VIC, 3163 or email talder@sharc.org.au

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Where do I go for support?

Family Drug Help 1300 660 068 familydrughelp.com.au

Al-Anon 1300 650 172Families and friends of someone with alcohol problemsal-anon.org/australia Parentline 13 22 89

Parents or carers of children from birth to 18 years parentline.vic.gov.au

DirectLine 1800 888 236Counselling and referral linecounsellingonline.org.au

Child FIRST 1300 367 441 Resources for vulnerable families with children Beyond Blue 1300 224 4636

Resource for all things mental healthbeyongblue.org.au Lifeline 131 114

Telephone crisis support lifelife.org.au

Australian Drug Foundation03 9611 6100 adf.org.auHeadspace 03 9027 1011

Mental health for 12-25 yearsheadspace.org.au

Suicide Helpline1300 651 251 families can call for supportsuicideline.org.au

YoDAA 1800 458 685Youth Drug and Alcohol Adviceyodaa.org.au Drug Info Helpline

1300 858 584druginfo.adf.org.au