EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE AND NEGOTIATION - bill britten · EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE AND NEGOTIATION How...

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EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE AND NEGOTIATION How can I make it as easy as possible for the other side to agree to what I want?

This simple principle should drive everything you do and say in a negotiation.

And emotional intelligence will be central to making this happen because emotions drive

our decision-making and negotiations abound with them: anxiety, fear, relief, anger,

gratitude and embarrassment to name but a few.

In this paper I’ll explore the impact of emotion on negotiations, specifically looking at

how you can a) recognise them and b) work with them.

Firstly let’s look at the relationship between emotions and decisions.

Most of us like to see ourselves as rational creatures, carefully using our intellects to

work out the best strategy and then systematically, logically, executing it. But this is

really a delusion. Most decisions are actually made on the basis of how we feel, or how

we anticipate feeling, before we then seek rational justification for what we have already

decided. At best we invite logic to have an advisory input, a bit like the way we might

consult a friend, before allowing ‘gut feeling’ to make the executive decision.

Advertisers – those masters of persuading us to buy things - have known this for years.


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Consider, for example, this typical car ad from

1904, which makes a classic appeal to

consumer logic with its sensible list of features

and technical specifications.

But as advertising became more sophisticated

and advertisers understood more about what

actually drives our buying behaviour, the

emphasis shifted remorselessly in favour of

appealing to our emotions rather than our logic.

As this ad, from the late 1990s shows, logic now

often gets left out of the argument altogether.

The focus is no longer on what the car will do

and more on how owning it will make you feel - the va-va-voom.

As one advertising guru puts it: reason leads to

conclusion, emotion leads to action.


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Brain research also increasingly confirms the dominance of emotions in decision-

making. Neuroscientist Antonio Damasio has studied the decision-making capacity of

people who have suffered injuries to the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain where

emotions are generated. He found that their ability to make decisions was seriously

impaired, even in cases where their intellectual capacity was unaffected. Patients might

be able to describe logically what they should be doing, but in practice they found it very

difficult to make fundamental decisions about where to live, what to eat and so on.

(Descartes' Error: Emotion, Reason, and the Human Brain - Antonio Damasio 1994)

AWARENESS

So what are the implications for negotiations?

To start with, to negotiate well you need to see clearly what’s going on emotionally for

both parties. Perversely it’s often easier to recognise other people’s emotions than to

see our own clearly. When we really put our attention on it, we’re generally not bad at

figuring out what other people are feeling. The signs are there in their choice of words,

facial expressions, body language, vocal tone and so on. The difficulty is to keep

seeing. We tend to get so focused on our own needs - especially in the heat of a

negotiation - that we stop looking, really looking at what’s going on on the other side of

the table. To do so takes a degree of rigour and discipline and practice, especially if

you’re used to thinking primarily in terms of logic.

It’s one of the reasons having more than one person in your negotiating team is such an

advantage.


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As one person leads the discussions, the other can monitor the emotional dynamic and

ask him or herself questions like:

• what emotions are preventing the other side agreeing to what I want?

• what are their fears and how can we allay them?

• what emotions would help them accept our proposal?

• are these individuals fundamentally seeking harmony or discord and how is this

affecting their reactions?

Now, of course, the other side may not want you to know how they are feeling. But

there is usually a split second when someone reacts spontaneously to a proposal before

they craft a conscious reaction – be it a poker-face or feigned indignation. And in this

moment before they take control of their facial muscles the careful observer gets a clue

as to what they genuinely think. But it’s amazing how many negotiators miss this

moment. We get so concerned with choosing our words that we are simply not looking

to see how our proposal lands.

HIDDEN FACTORS

A lot of significant emotional factors may even be completely hidden from you.

Consider, for example, the man who was heavily criticised by his boss last time he

negotiated a deal for being too soft. The likelihood is he will be keen not to open himself

up to that charge again resulting in all sorts of anxieties and ambitions. He may even

subconsciously be looking for reasons not to do a deal so as to prove how tough he is.

Or someone who has another pressing meeting to go to in half an hour might appear

frustrated and impatient.


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It may even be that the person with whom you’re trying to

do a deal is going on holiday tomorrow and hasn’t the will to

drive a hard bargain. Not today at least. Good for you, you

may think. But it’s worth considering whether they will

return from holiday and insist on going through the whole

process again. In which case, since most deals need the

continued agreement of both parties in order to work

efficiently, it’s not in your interest to screw them to the wall.

The problem is that you probably won’t know any of this. But being alive to the emotions

in the room and focusing on what’s not being said, as well as what is, can help. And a

second negotiator who has responsibility for focusing on the emotional dynamic may

pick up clues that the lead misses.

The other person whose emotions are a significant factor, of course, is you. Our feelings

are so fundamental, so intrinsic to us, that it can be surprisingly hard to see them clearly

and, as a result, we are often driven unconsciously by them. So make a point of asking

yourself what emotional factors - conscious and subconscious - are influencing your

reactions and your behaviour. Recognising them will enable you to work with the helpful

ones and sidestep the unhelpful.

THE EMOTIONAL DYNAMIC

Above all, there will be an underlying emotional dynamic between the parties. And

recognising and working with this is essential to effective negotiating.


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One of the most common, and unhelpful,

dynamics is what I call “I’m right, you’re

wrong”. Our education system trains us in

adversarial debate. That is, in order to be

right, I must prove you wrong. Many of us

take this into our business dealings (and our

private lives, but that’s another story) in

ways that can sabotage us. Consequently

many negotiations swiftly stop being about reaching a deal and start being about people

proving each other wrong. In fact it’s almost scary how easily a negotiation can become

more of a primal battle for dominance than a search for a reasoned settlement: a slightly

more sophisticated version of the argument about who’s got the biggest willy. (And this

is not a dynamic from which women are immune.)

While this is deeply unhelpful the solution is not simply to capitulate. Instead it’s to find

a way to decline to engage in a battle of wills, but from a position of strength. In effect to

be saying “I’m not going to be drawn into a power struggle. Not because I have no

power, but because the struggle won’t help us get what we both want, which is a deal”.

It’s what Barack Obama calls ‘disagreeing without being disagreeable’.

SILENCE

Very often the defining moments of such power struggles revolve around silence, as two

adversaries look into each others’ eyes. We all feel an urge to fill uncomfortable

silences, precisely because they indicate discord. (Interestingly the length of silence

that feels uncomfortable differs hugely between different cultures).


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Most negotiators adopt one of two tactics:

1) resolutely refusing to be the first to crack, believing the person who breaks an

uncomfortable silence will have ‘lost’

2) consciously breaking the silence and hoping this earns them some credit with

their opposite number.

(Actually there’s a third:

3) breaking the silence involuntarily because they just can’t stand it any longer - this

is usually the worst way to deal with an uncomfortable silence because it invites

the other side to take advantage of your accommodating nature.)

Returning to the first two options then, each will feel good to different personalities. But

despite how influential our emotions are, feeling good is not the thing that matters here.

More important is that central principle I opened with: how can I make it as easy as possible for the other side to agree to what I want? And both tactics have their

drawbacks.

The first runs the risk of turning the moment into an

epic struggle between two alphas battling for

dominance, in which case you’re locked into the “I’m

right, you’re wrong” dynamic which benefits no one.

The second is a slightly stronger version of the third

and sometimes it, too, weakens the negotiator by

revealing a desire for harmony that can be exploited by an unscrupulous opposite

number.


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To deal effectively with these moments of silence then, two skills are needed, both of

which take practice.

The first is the ability either to hold your ground and live with these moments of

discomfort or to break them in a way that does not suggest weakness.

The second is the judgement to know which to use. And for that, understanding the

emotional dynamic is key.

POSITIVE EMOTIONAL DYNAMICS

If there are unhelpful dynamics to be avoided, what are the dynamics that can smooth

the path to a good deal? Back once more to the central aim of a negotiation: how can I make it as easy as possible for the other side to agree to what I want?

In terms of the emotional dynamic, this means firstly removing obstacles for your

opposite number and communicating a genuine wish to see them happy with the deal.

In the case of the man who’s under pressure to be tough, for example, if you focus on

creating something that will make him look good when he returns to the office, he is far

more likely to agree to a deal. And in so doing it’s very likely there will be elements of

great value to you that he’s happy to concede.

Anything that makes the other side angry or frustrated or suspicious makes them less

likely to agree to your proposal. Putting effort into working out what they want and then

doing your best to accommodate them will usually be far more effective than


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stonewalling or bullying. This is the self-interest that lies behind the principle of win-win

that I discuss elsewhere.

It also means consciously creating an emotional dynamic between you of cooperation,

mutual respect and reasonable compromise. Yes, compromise. Even if the very idea is

anathema to you, the reality is that it’s both inevitable and actually desirable because of

what it buys you. The trick is to work out what compromises the other side will really

value but which are bearable to you. And again this means having your full attention on

the other people and divining what matters to them: being alive to the dynamic. A skilful

negotiator will make sure to get full emotional credit for the compromises s/he does

make. Though, of course, if the other side feels 'played' this can rebound on you.

It’s often argued that your willingness to walk away is what gives you power. But while

this is undeniably true, it can also be the fastest way to create an unhelpful, acrimonious

dynamic and thereby invoke all sorts of emotional stuff - dominance, fear of humiliation,

reciprocal aggression etc. - that gets in the way of the other side agreeing to what you

want. So an intimation that you are prepared to walk away generally needs to be

delivered carefully, without aggression, possibly even ruefully. It's partly tonal, more

about 'I can walk away and I am prepared to do so if we really can't reach agreement

but it’s not my preferred option' than a dark threat.

Of course there may be times and opposite numbers with whom what’s needed is darker

emotions: irritability, impatience, even downright anger. Highly developed emotional

antennae can guide you towards the judicious use of these. And compromising is

resolutely not the same as implying that you’re there to be taken advantage of. It’s

about starting from a point of view that says “we are both here because we want to do a

deal”. People who feel respected are more likely to give respect and much less likely to


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be obstreperous or deliberately difficult. And consider the alternative: ask yourself who

is the loser if the other party determines not to give you what you want out of irritation or

revenge or bloody-mindedness?

THE SHAPE OF THE TABLE

There are also a host of peripheral factors that have huge potential to influence the

emotional dynamic. At international conferences, diplomats spend a lot of time

negotiating where and when discussions will take place, including surprising amounts of

time agreeing the seating arrangements. Anyone who has worked in an office where

there has been tension between colleagues, will know how much it can matter who sits

where.

These simple physical factors can have an enormous bearing on negotiations. Your

office, theirs, or neutral territory? Will you face each other across a desk in

confrontational style, or sit side by side with no barrier between you? Formal chairs or

armchairs?

It’s said that Tony Blair conducted

many of his most delicate

discussions seated in armchairs at

right angles to each other, both

people facing a coffee table for

example. It’s certainly much harder

to fight with someone when the

chairs are arranged in a relaxed


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configuration, rather than facing your opposite number across a desk, eyeball to eyeball.

If they are on your territory will you ensure refreshments are generous and readily

available? Tempting as it might be to think that hunger and thirst will wear the other side

down, it will also give rise to resentment and aggression. Whereas looking after

people’s primal physical needs suggests you don’t plan on taking them for a ride.

Small things, but they have a massive influence on the emotional climate and

consequently a profound bearing on how both sides feel. And as I’ve outlined, how

people feel dramatically affects their decisions.

So the simple answer to the question I posed at the start - how can I make it as easy

as possible for the other side to agree to what I want? – is through emotional

intelligence.

If you’d like to talk to me about negotiating and how I might be able to help you develop

your skills, please contact me on [email protected] or, better still, ring me on 07973

890578 as I find talking is a much better start to a productive conversation.

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE AND NEGOTIATION - bill britten · EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE AND NEGOTIATION How...

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