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them or use them as signals to alert us to be attentive to our emo-

tional states. In chapters 5 through 9 I provide exercises to increase

your consciousness of how these emotions feel, so that you can be

more aware of these physiological changes and use them as deliber-

ate cues that make us attentive, giving us the opportunity to con-

sider, reevaluate, or control our emotions.

We may also be able to become more attentive to our emotional

feelings by becoming more observant of the emotional feelings of

others with whom we are engaged. If we know how they are feeling,

if that registers in our conscious mind, we can use that as a cue to

better discern our own feelings, and to signal us to become attentive

to our own emotional feelings.

Unfortunately, my research has found that most of us are not

very good at recognizing how other people are feeling unless the

expressions are pretty strong. No one needs much help in how to

interpret a facial expression when an emotion is at its peak. The

expressions are usually uncontrolled by then, showing the appear-

ances I found to be universal. But expressions can be very subtle,

just a change in the eyelids or the upper lip. And often we are so

focused on what the person is saying that we miss these subtle signs

completely. This is a pity, since we are better off if we can detect

how another person is feeling early in our interaction with them.

The appendix provides a test that allows you to assess how well you

recognize the subtle signs of when an emotion is beginning. Chap-

ters 5 through 9 provide photographs to help you become more sen-

sitive to subtle facial expressions, and ideas about how to use that

information in family life, in friendships, and in the workplace.

Learning to attentively consider our own emotional feelings is not

easy, but it is possible, and, over time, with repeated efforts, I believe

it becomes easier.* Even when attentiveness has become an estab-

lished habit, it won't always operate. If the emotion is very intense,

if we are importing a script that we have not identified, if we are in

a mood relevant to the emotion we are feeling, if we have had little

*My very limited experience with meditation, and my personal knowledge of a number of friends andcolleagues who have had a great deal of meditative practice, has convinced me that this is anothermeans to achieving such attentiveness. In research I am just beginning, I will learn more about how thisoccurs and document the nature of the changes that result.