Eight Epic Conventions in Paradise

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Eight Epic Conventions in Paradise L0ST

1. Epic poems tell an already well-known

story, like when your roommate tells you howhard he boned his Trinidadian boyfriend last

night even though said boyfriend already told

you about it through a text message as soon

as you woke up that morning, but its equally

as gay. Here, Milton tells the story of Adamand Eve, and anyone who has been to Sunday

school for more than two weeks in a row

knows how this story is going to end. Plus, as

if the story wasnt well known enough, he

titles the poem PARADISE FUCKING

LOST! Hey, just in case you were wonderingwhats gonna happen to the paradise these

characters have been given, Milton is right

here to make sure you dont. Its as if he

wants to sap any possible enjoyment or

intrigue out of the poem as soon as possible.

This convention basically equates to titling a

movie something like Bruce Willis is a Ghost,

The Kid Who Plays Puck Is Gonna Shoot


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Himself In The Head, or Juno and Bleaker

Lie in Bed and Cry Like Bitches.

2. Epic poems always begin by invoking amuse. Milton invokes his muse in no less than

17,000 words. Traditionally, muses were

thought to be female, so naturally the poet of

the epic poem has to shower the muse in

adoration, compliments, and very clearinstructions on the task at hand before the

bitch will do her job. Said adornment

typically takes up at least 16,997 of the 17,000

allowed. When it comes to epic poems,

remember; no matter how many pages

youve read, if the poet hasnt said the wordmuse yet, the poem hasnt actually begun.

It is well-documented that many lesser-

known epics are entirely made up of

flattering, muse-invoking wankery.

3. Epic poems explain the purpose of theirexistence early on. This is seen as an early

predecessor to the hipster college douche

whos minoring in film and cant stop talking


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about how symbolic, satirical, and (brace for

impact) epic their eleven-minute long

midterm project is. They talk about it somuch and so often, that you actually want to

believe their tragic story about a whore who

fucks a guy and then cries when she sees a

cross is going to, somehow, topple capitalism,

or homophobia, or some shit. Equally

ambitious and equally pointless, Milton seeksto use Paradise Lost to justify the ways of

God to man. Well, doesnt someone think

very highly of his iambic pentameter?

Someone shouldve told Milton that God

Himself already tried to use literature to

justify his ways to man; it was called the

bible and didnt do a great job. Since the

bible never invoked a muse, it is hard to tell

exactly which epic work of literature more

epically fails at this pursuit.

4. Epic poems typically contain some type of

celestial conflict, which is, by far, the coolest

sounding part of epic poetry. Although the


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term goes out of its ways to sound really

uninteresting, celestial conflict can be

alternatively referred to as Super PowerfulGods Bringing War On Other Super

Powerful Gods. Remember when you were a

kid and you used to argue about whether or

not Spiderman can beat up Batman (he

cant)? Well, congrats; you were an epic poet.

How awesome of an epic poemwould Paradise Lost be if it were all about

Satans pride-driven war against heaven,

demons versus angels, Ho-Oh versus Lugia?

Well, as is the case with Milton, a perfect

opportunity to create interest is wasted, all

thanks to #5.

5. Epic poems begin in media res. This means

they start in the middle of the action, or in

the case of Paradise Lost, after all the

interesting things (see: #4) have already

happened! Instead of exploding magic bombs

and flaming swords OF DOOM, we get to

hear Satan whining over his loss like you


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used to do when the older kids stole your

Tonka Trunks (and you call yourself an epic

poet).6. Epic poems introduce a shit ton of

unnecessary characters somewhere towards

the beginning of the story. In the case of

Milton, we get a bunch of Satans generals

coming up with really stupid plans for gettingback at God, none of which include any type

of bloody, awesome, violent campaigns to try

and win back the throne (or maybe they did;

Im not sure exactly when Milton stopped

invoking the muse so my comprehension of

the story is a little weak). Modern dayversions of this convention can be found in

the phone book and in the song Mambo #5.

7. Epic poems feature an epic hero. Miltons

epic hero is Satan. Srsly. His achilles heel is

his ambition, which causes him to aim toohigh and end up falling on his face, kind of

like a certain epic poet I know who tried to

justify the ways of God to man, but just


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ended up giving lazy college students a tale

that would justify said laziness, if they

werent too lazy to read it. All that ironyprovides a good transition into #8.

8. Epic poems contain a certain level of

dramatic irony. In Paradise Lost, once Milton

has finished invoking the muse, explaining

how epic his epic poem is going to be, andlisting the name of every two-bit demon in

hell, we eventually get into the story of Adam

and Eve being tempted by Satan. The

dramatic irony here is that the audience (the

lucky reader) knows that a tempter is in the

garden, but the characters do not. Well, Godknows hes there, but Adam and Eve dont.

Actually, Adam knows hes there too, but

they dont tell Eve because I really have no

clue why they dont tell her. Hey Milton,

instead of trying to justify the ways of God to

man, can you take a second and justify the

ways of Adam to Eve? Just seems like more

annoying anti-feminism from the epic poets,


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who somehow find it OK portray Eve as

some nagging bimbo who is never told there

is a tempter in the garden even though herhusband and her deity know there is, and yet

is somehow totally to blame for the fall of

mankind. Im no feminist by any stretch of

the imagination (I use The Awakening as a

placemat when my bitch makes the spaghetti

too watery), but even I cant back this oneup.

Eight Epic Conventions in Paradise

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