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People often consult with one another about the course of action they may take in a particular

situation. When the advantages or the pitfalls relevant to a particular action are not very clear, the

need for wise opinion is clearly felt. People may consult their friends, relatives, colleagues and those

who had some experience relevant to the question they have to decide. But even after extensive

consultation, people may still be unable to make up their minds; the issues may be blurred; the pros

and cons may appear to be equal or near equal; the risks may carry a strong probability; the

advantages not so clear cut; etc. At times we find ourselves unable to consult with others, perhaps

because the situation is a peculiar one, or not easy to be appreciated by others, or because we have a

particular interest, leanings, desires or prejudices. In all such cases, seeking God’s help in making

the right choice can be of great benefit.

This is what is known in Islamic terminology as

‘Istikharah’ which literally means “seeking

the beneficial choice.” As no one can divine

the future, no matter how clear the indications

are, such choice can be determined only by

God. And the Istikharah is all about receiving

God’s help in choosing the better course,

particularly when the options are not clear cut.

It is extremely important to realize that the

Istikharah is in no way a means to know

something about the future, or to receive divine

knowledge. It is only a supplication for benefit

and goodness, which one may receive by

appealing to God who knows all. This must be

clear in our minds before doing the Istikharah.

Thus, if one wants to buy or rent an apartment,

or to make a proposal to marry a certain

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Editor: Sadiq Noor - aaiil.canada@gmail.com

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woman, and he wants to be sure that such a

purchase or marriage will turn out to be good

and beneficial for him, he resorts to the

Istikharah.

When he has done it and he finds that the

purchase deal moves forward smoothly, he

realizes that God has given him the right choice

in buying it. If the deal is beset with difficulties

or does not go through, he realizes that God has

indicated to him the right choice is not buying

it. Similarly, if his marriage proposal is

accepted and progresses smoothly, he should be

grateful to God for facilitating it, knowing that

it is good for him. His attitude of acceptance is

the same should his proposal move in the

opposite direction. The other point to make here

is that the Istikharah may be well coupled with

consulting other people

whom one feels able to

advise on the matter in

question. Indeed, such

consultation, if done

after the Istikharah, may

be a means of

determining the better

course of action. Thus,

if you consult a relative

or a friend, and he or

she points out some clear advantages in a

particular choice which you might have

overlooked, this may make you more favorable

to his view. If this is done after the Istikharah, it

may be part of the process of determining what

God has chosen for you in the matter.

The Istikharah has a formula which the Prophet,

peace on him, taught to his companions and to his

followers in all generations. An authentic

Hadith reported by Jabir mentions that “the

Prophet taught us to do the Istikharah in all

matters, just like he used to teach us a Surah

of the Qur’an.”

This statement mentions Istikharah as relevant

to all matters, which makes the statement very

general and applicable to all situations and all

actions. The fact is that the statement does not

apply to certain matters. This is common in

Islamic religious text where certain general

statements have a specific application, and

specific statements having a general

application. In this case, for example, Istikharah

does not apply to performing and Islamic duty,

such as prayer, Zakah, fasting or the

pilgrimage. Nor does it apply to refraining from

doing forbidden thing. One may not do the

Istikharah in order to find out whether placing a

bet is of benefit or not. It is not, because it is

forbidden, and no forbidden thing is of net

benefit to people. Otherwise, it would not have

been forbidden.

Similarly, it is not

proper to do the

Istikharah in order to

decide between two

things, one is

permissible and the

other recommended, if

only one of them may

be done at the time.

Needless to say, one

should opt for that which is recommended. The

Istikharah is to be done when a person needs to

do something of importance, and he is not clear

whether it carries a benefit or may cause harm.

In matters of no serious consequence, it is

sufficient to limit oneself to the normal

supplication recommended to be said in the

morning or in the evening or at any time.

This makes it clear that Istikharah should be

resorted to in matters where one finds it

difficult to choose a course of action,

particularly if one realizes that the

consequences may be serious, whether they are

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beneficial or harmful. When one has done the

Istikharah one should accept whatever course

takes place, realizing that it is the better course

and that the opposite would have been more

harmful. The Istikharah is done by offering a

voluntary prayer of two rak’ahs, which should

be followed by a supplication, taught to us by

the Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah on him. This

supplication goes as follows:

“My Lord, I seek Your help, based on Your

knowledge, in making a choice and seek Your

assistance based on Your power, for You are

powerful and I am not, and You know all while I

do not know. My Lord, if You know this matter

{one should specify the matter} is beneficial to

me in my faith and my living, and in my short-

term and long-term affairs, then facilitate it for

me, make it easy for me to have, and bless it for

me. But if You know this matter {one should

specify it again} is disadvantageous for me in my

faith and my living, and in my short-term and

long-term affairs, then keep it away from me

and keep me away from it. Give me what is

beneficial to me whatever it may be and make

me happy with it.”

Needless to say, this supplication acknowledges

one’s personal helplessness and expresses trust

in God’s wisdom and power. It also signifies

one’s willingness to do whatever God chooses

and prays for a feeling of satisfaction with

whatever may come up. All this is indication of

good faith.

The Hadith which teaches the Istikharah is

related by Al Bukhari, An Nissaei, Abu

Dawood, Al Tirmithi and Ibn Majah on the

authority of Jabir ibn Abdullah, a companion of

the Prophet. It runs as follows:

“When any of you is considering a matter of

importance, let him offer two rak’ahs, other

than obligatory prayers and follow that with

this supplication: ‘My Lord, I seek Your help, based

on Your knowledge, in making a choice and seek Your

assistance based on Your power, for You are powerful

and I am not, and You know all while I do not know. My

Lord, if You know this matter {one should specify the

matter} is beneficial to me in my faith and my living, and

in my short-term and long-term affairs, then facilitate it

for me, make it easy for me to have, and bless it for me.

But if You know this matter {one should specify it again}

is disadvantageous for me in my faith and my living, and

in my short-term and long-term affairs, then keep it away

from me and keep me away from it. Give me what is

beneficial to me whatever it may be and make me happy

with it.’”

The first thing to note about this supplication is

the fact that we begin with acknowledging our

lack of knowledge, and therefore we request

God to choose for us because His knowledge is

absolute. He knows what is beneficial for us

and we are seeking His help to give us that.

Moreover, we seek God’s help in making what

is good and beneficial within our reach, because

we may get to know what it is but we may not

have the power to attain it. Therefore, we

appeal to God to make it, by His power, easy

for us to obtain. We also acknowledge God’s

abundant grace, His power over all things and

His knowledge of every secret.

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Having established this basis, we then

concentrate on the specific matter in hand. If

God knows it to be good and beneficial for us

in our present life and in the life to come, then

we appeal to Him to make it easy for us to get

and to give us His blessings to enjoy it. If He

knows it to be otherwise, then our appeal trusts

to His wisdom and seeks to be spared that

totally. We further seek God’s help to forget all

about it. We also appeal to Him to give us what

is good and beneficial whatever it may be.

All this supplication, made at a time when one

is fully aware of one’s own inability and lack of

knowledge, consciously and deliberately

seeking God’s help, is a sign of strong belief in

God, and a complete trust in His choice. It also

shows a well satisfied heart. Hence, whatever

result takes place, the believer who has done his

Istikharah will accept it, knowing it to be the

choice God has made, which means that it is

certain to be good.

Answering supplication is something God will

always do, because when we pray Him, we

actually acknowledge His Lordship, power and

kindness. He returns that acknowledgment with

a positive response. This is what He has

promised us in the Qur’an: “Your Lord says:

Pray Me and I will answer you.” This is a

very clear promise, and God never fails to keep

His promises. However, it is important to add

whatever we can to ensure that we are sincere

and consciously accepts God’s will. This will

increase the chances of seeing our wishes

fulfilled by God.

What ensures such a response even more is to

make out supplication at a time which is

designated by God as one when He answers

prayers. One such time is between the two day

prayers, Dhuhr and Asr. This is clear from the

following Hadith narrated by Jabir: “The

Prophet made a supplication in Al Fatah

Mosque on Monday, Tuesday and

Wednesday, and his prayer was answered on

Wednesday between the two day prayers.

Whenever I had something of importance, I

would make sure to pray God at that

particular time, in between the two day

prayer on Wednesday, and I always found

my prayers answered.” [Ahmad & Al Bukhari in Al Adab Al

Mufrad]

The above report is that related by Al Bukhari.

We note that Jabir does not mention here the

nature of the Prophet’s supplication on that

occasion. In Ahmad’s version, it is clear that

the prayer was to defeat the army raised by the

two tribes of Quraish and Ghatafan, together

with the Jews in and outside Madinah. That was

the time when these forces combined in an

attack aiming at eradicating Islam and the

Muslims altogether. Ahmad also mentions that

after the Prophet made his supplication on

Wednesday, his companions saw him with his

face beaming with pleasant expectation. He

must have been assured of God’s positive

answer of his prayer.

What happened in this case of those forces was

that God subjected them to a fierce wind of

hurricane force which sent a sense of fear,

frustration and total helplessness in their hearts.

They decided to withdraw and began to march

away that night, after having besieged Madinah

for nearly a month. Thus God foiled their

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purpose, gave the believers victory without

having to engage in a fight, and made their city

safe and secure. That was a turning point

ensuring a permanent switch in the balance of

power in favor of the Muslims.

We also note Jabir’s keenness to pray for the

resolution of grave matters at the same time the

Prophet has his prayer answered. That was on

Wednesday between Dhuhr and Asr prayers.

2:152 [Al Baqarah] “Therefore glorify Me, I will make you eminent, and give thanks to Me

and be not ungrateful to Me.”

7:17 [Al Araaf] “Then I shall certainly come upon them from before them and from

behind them, and from their right and from their left; and Thou wilt not find most

of them thankful.”

Y U K O N “North West Territory”

C A N A D A

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The Prophet, Peace and Blessings of Allah on him, had six children born to his first wife,

Khadijah. The TWO boys, Al Qasim and Abdullah, died in early childhood.

After the Arab tradition, the Prophet, peace on him, used to be called Abul-Qasim,

meaning, “Father of Al Qasim”.

Khadijah also gave the Prophet, peace on him, FOUR daughters: Zainab, the eldest

was married to Abu Al-Aas ibn Ar Rabie and gave birth to one boy, Ali and

one girl Umamah. Zainab died in the eighth year of the Islamic calendar, i.e.

two years before the Prophet, peace on him.

The Prophet’s second daughter Ruqayyah was married to Othman ibn Affan,

who later became the third caliph. She travelled with him to Abyssinia in the

first Muslim emigration. She gave birth to one boy, Abdullah, who died at the

age of six. Ruqayyah died at the time when the Muslims fought the battle of

Badr.

The Prophet’s third daughter was Umm Qulthum, who was married to

Othman ibn Affan after her sister’s death. She did not have any children and

died in the ninth year of the Islamic calendar, about eighteen months before

the Prophet, peace on him.

Fatimah was the Prophet’s fourth and youngest daughter. She married Ali

and gave birth to two sons, Al Hassan and Al Hussein, and two daughters

Umm Qulthum and Zainab. Fatimah died six months after the Prophet, peace

on him.

As has already been mentioned, all six children were born to Khadijah, the

Prophet’s first wife. The only other child born to the Prophet, peace on him, was

Ibrahim, whose mother Maria, was the Coptic woman sent as a gift to the

Prophet, peace on him, by the ruler of Egypt. The Prophet, peace on him, freed her and

married her. She gave him this son who lived only sixteen months.

EID MUBARAK To All Our Readers

from

NOOR-I-ISLAM

aaiil.canada@gmail.com Page 7

Say “Assalam,-u-Alaikum Wa

Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuh”

When “You meet a Muslim

Say “Wa-Alaikum Assalam Wa

Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuh:

When “A Muslim greets you”

Say “Bismillah Ar-Rahman Alrraheem”

Before “Making a beginning”

Say “Jazak Allahu Khair”

For “An expression of thanks”

Say “BarakAllahu Feekum”

Responding “To expression of thanks”

Say “Fi Amanullah”

When “Saying Good-Bye”

Say “SubhaanAllah”

When “Praising something”

Say “Insha Allah”

When “Expressing a desire to do

something”

Say “Astaghfirullah”

When “Repenting for something you have

done wrong”

Say “Masha Allah”

When “Expressing appreciation of

something good”

Say “Alhamdulillah”

When “Showing gratitude to Allah after

success or completing something”

Say “A’ameen”

When “You end a prayer”

Say “Inna Lillahi Wa Inna Ilayhi Rajioon”

When “You have lost something or get news

of one’s death”

Say “La Hawla Wala Quwata Illah Billah”

During “The times of trouble”

Say “Al Hamdu Lillah”

When “You sneeze”

Say “Yar Hamukallah”

When “Someone else sneezes”

Say “Fi Sabi Lillah”

When “Giving charity”

This day (all) good things are made

lawful for you. And the food of those

who have been given the Book is lawful

for you and your food is lawful for them.

And so are the chaste from among the

believing women and the chaste from

among those who have been given the

Book before you, when you give them

their dowries, taking (them) in

marriage, not fornicating nor taking

them for paramours in secret. And

whoever denies faith, his work indeed is

vain; and in the Hereafter he is of the

losers.

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Health-Line

P R U N E S Mariam Ali Reza

Today, it is about a fruit, which is well-known and well-liked by most cultures due to its

nourishing and curative effects on the human body. It is the dry prune or the fresh plum. Both are equally

nutritious, but the prune is easier to find and more convenient to store and carry as a snack.

The Plum, Prunus domesticus, is a single seed fruit that originated in the Mediterranean basin

and spread to different regions of mild climate. However, California grows 60% of the world’s supply of

prunes. The fruit is eaten fresh in season. The darker species is dried, becoming prune. It is available all

year round and everywhere.

The prune is most known for its laxative effect, speeding the elimination of waste. The

abundance of soluble and insoluble fiber give the fruit its special healing characteristics. The fruit is

consumed whole or as juice to regulate bowel movements. It draws water to the intestines to facilitate

elimination. Even babies can be relieved of constipation by taking a teaspoon of the soaked prune’s

water.

Prunes are rich in carotenoids and polyphenols

like anthocyanins, proanthocyanidins, and

neochlorogenic acid. Because of their anti-

inflammatory, pain- relieving, and possible cancer-

fighting actions in the body, these antioxidants have

attracted serious research. A Japanese research

studied oligomeric proanthocyanidins, chlorogenic

acid, caffeoylquinic acid, and other Phenolic acids as well

as lignans. In test-tubes, they demonstrated detoxifying

effects, indicating special benefits to health. When fed to rats, prunes appeared to promote bone and

vascular health and protect against colon cancer. The combination of the two compounds, polyphenols

and soluble fiber, in the fruit seemed to bring the most effects.

The prunes has a diversity of nutrients ranging from protein, vitamins A, B, and K, and dietary

minerals to phytosterols, soluble and insoluble fiber, and lignans, which are essential to a healthy diet. Its

low glycemic effect (the slow assimilation of sugars in the body) slows down the breakdown of sugars,

which can help reduce appetite and control weight gain.

In laboratories and in some studies, the viscous soluble fiber in prunes has shown to inhibit the

production of cholesterol and its oxidation in the blood vessels. In a study, men with high cholesterol

levels were given 12 prunes daily for two months. The prunes in the diet helped lower their cholesterol

serum.

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The prune also appeared to reduce the incidence of chronic inflammation, osteoporosis,

cardiovascular disorders, and certain cancers, possibly due to its unusual composition of fiber,

polyphenols, and minerals. Unfortunately clinical testing is not active enough to make it a forefront

runner in the superfruit list. In traditional medicine, prunes are given to raise red blood cell count in

anemic conditions.

Whether dried or fresh, the plum comes with a delicious taste, soft and chewy texture, and

attractive colors and appearance. The nutrient rich composition and calorie-density of the fruit make it a

nourishing snack for growing youngsters as well as adults. It supplies sustainable energy to athletes and

undernourished. Four prunes make a nutritious and filling serving, particularly if combined with raw nuts.

Fresh plums make tasty tarts for dessert. Prunes maybe a traditional fruit, but very tasty, filling, and

healthy. In Arabia, a Ramadan special is a refreshing or warming syrupy dessert made of simmered dried

fruits (prunes, dates, figs, apricots, raisins) sprinkled with nuts (almonds, walnuts, pine-nuts). It is served

cold or hot depending on the weather. Enjoy the richness of this nutritious dessert!

I wish you all Eid Mubarak!

Q1: Can a Muslim girl select or choose her husband? What are her rights, duties and responsibilities? What are the duties and

responsibilities of parents in respect of selecting a husband for their daughters? What should parents do if the daughter insists on her own choice?

Q2: I feel that what my mother and my family say about a man having a good background, family, manners, habits and education

is not sufficient. I believe that it is most important that he should also be strong in faith. I am prepared to wait until I meet such a man, but I am under pressure from the family to marry a relative. My mother tells me that I must marry soon or I may remain unmarried for life. Can you please advise me about the criterion for accepting a suitor?

Q3: A young woman brings home a friend from abroad and tells her parents that she wants to marry him. When they tell her to

wait while they check whether he is suitable husband, she threatens them that she will marry him on her own if they do not consent. She also threatens that if they prevent her marriage, she will commit sin with the man. She argues that what she is doing is legitimate and they cannot stop her because they will be forcing her into what is forbidden. When they speak about making the proper arrangements for marriage, she forestalls them, saying that she wants only a small amount of dower, and that her intended husband will not pay for the Valima because his relatives live in a different country. The man tries to get the woman’s family to pay for all the marriage expenses. May I say that this pattern of events is becoming common with the expatriates Sub-Continent community. Please comment.

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A 1: Islam has established that every marriage must be preceded by the consent of the woman who is

to be married. Whether she is a virgin or a woman, who had a previous marriage, her consent

must be obtained before her father or guardian can act for her in any marriage contract. Indeed,

when a marriage is conducted, the government registrar or other official must satisfy himself that

it has the woman’s full agreement. If someone is acting for her as her guardian, the government

official will ask him to produce two witnesses who testify that she has authorized him to act for

her in this marriage. Several are the Hadiths, which tell us that “a previously married woman

has more authority over herself than her guardian. A virgin must be asked concerning her

marriage. Her consent may be given by keeping quiet.” (An Nisa’ie and ibn Majah) The distinction here

between a previously married woman and a virgin is merely in the form of how consent is

granted. A virgin may be too shy to state in words and she accepts to be married, while a

previously married woman has learned practically that there is nothing to be shy about in

marriage.

The idea of a woman being forced into a marriage against her own wishes is not acceptable from

the Islamic point of view. A woman came to the Prophet, peace on him, and complained that her

father had married her to his nephew without asking her consent first. She stated that the

purpose of that marriage was that her father wanted his reputation enhanced through that

marriage. The Prophet, peace on him, annulled that marriage. When he had done, and the woman

was free again, she said to the Prophet, peace on him, ‘Now I am free. I willingly consent to

this marriage. I only wanted it to be known that men have no say over women in their

marriages.’

It is often thought that

because a father acts for his

daughter in marriage, he can

marry her to whomever he likes,

without seeking her consent. People

who suggest that make a very

superficial judgment. By

requiring a father or a

guardian to act for the woman in her marriage, Islam emphasizes the woman’s honor. Marriage in

Islam is the way to establish a family, and this is conducted through families. Therefore, the

woman appears to have the consent of her family to her own marriage. She does not appear as

the weaker party in a civil contract.

In the light of the foregoing, we can state without equivocation that if a woman is forced into a

marriage, then that is totally unacceptable from the Islamic point of view. Since her consent is a

prerequisite for the validity of her marriage, therefore it is acceptable that she chooses her

future husband. What we have to understand is that there is no rigid process of choosing a

husband. If a man proposes to a family seeking to marry one of their daughters, then he must

have based his choice on either firsthand knowledge or proper investigation. Similarly, if the

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approach is made by the woman’s family, then it must be based on a good knowledge of the man

and his character.

As we all know, Islam does not allow the sort of free mixing between the sexes which is known in

Western societies. If some aspects of that social mixing is practiced among certain sections of

society in Muslim countries, then that is something Islam disallows. I wish it to be understood that

I am not speaking of this type of free mixing when I am giving this answer. I am simply explaining

that if a woman chooses a man as her future husband and the marriage is based on her choice,

this is acceptable. What we are considering here is that in a certain situation, a woman is able to

know the character and nature of a man and she feels, on the basis of her knowledge, that he can

make her a very good husband. It is perfectly conceivable that a woman can acquire such a

knowledge of a man, either because he is her colleague at work, or because she has had a chance

to see him acting in different situations. Such knowledge would enable her to understand his

character and to find out that he can be a good family man.

When a woman has known such a man and wishes to marry him, she should speak to her family

about it. Her father or guardian will take over and speak to the man either directly or through

intermediaries. All this is appropriate. What is not appropriate from the Islamic point of view is

that the woman should try to get the man into a love relationship with her as it happens in films

or in Western societies. As I have emphasized, marriage is a means to establish a family, and the

family figures very prominently in any marriage right from the beginning. In cases where the

admiration is mutual, as may happen if the two are colleagues at work, the man goes to the

woman’s father and puts his proposal. She indicates her consent to her father and the process is

carried through.

If a woman selects a man as her future husband and he is considered to be good for her from the

social point of view, then the father is required to facilitate her marriage. He may have to go the

extent of offering his daughter to the man as a wife. If some people find this strange, let me

remind them of the Hadith which is reported by Omar ibn Al Khattab: “Hafsah bint Omar [Omar’s

daughter] became a widow when her husband, Khunais ibn Hudhayfah, who was a companion

of the Prophet, died in Madinah. I went to Osman ibn Affan and offered him Hafsah saying:

‘If you wish, I will give you Hafsah as a wife.’ He said: ‘I will consider the matter.’ I waited

for a few days, and then Osman met me and said: ‘I have considered the matter and I do not

wish to be married now’,” Omar goes on in his report: “I then met Abu Bakr and said: ‘If

you wish I will give you Hafsah in marriage.’ Abu Bakr kept quiet and made no answer

whatsoever. I felt more aggrieved with him than I was with Osman. After a few days, Allah’s

messenger proposed to marry Hafsah and I gave her away in marriage to him. I then met

Abu Bakr, and he said: ‘You might have felt something against me when you offered me

Hafsah and I made no reply.’ I answered in the affirmative. She said: “What prevented me

from answering your proposal is that I had learned that Allah’s messenger had expressed his

wish to marry her. I was not one to reveal the Prophet’s secret.”

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All this makes absolutely clear that it is appropriate from the Islamic point of view that the

marriage is initiated by the woman’s family, either through her choice or that of her guardian.

A 2: There is no doubt that for a person of good faith, the only proper choice of husband or wife is a

person of similarly strong faith. That would ensure that the family would move together in the

same direction. The children will receive the same message from both parents. The Prophet, peace

on him, advises every man to choose a wife who is strong in faith. And he tells the guardians of girls

and woman: “If a man whose faith and honesty you find satisfactory comes to you with a

proposal of marriage [with a woman under your care], then accept his proposal. If you do not do so,

there will be much strife and corruption in the land.” In the light of the Prophet’s advice, which

is for both men and women, it is much better for a young lady to remain unmarried than to marry

the wrong person. Hence parents and girls must be choosy. They must select only a husband who

is likely to strengthen their resolve to live an Islamic life and to be good Muslims in every respect.

If the parents do not pay heed to the Prophet’s advice, their daughters will suffer the

consequences.

A 3: It is very important to realize that Islam does not approve of compulsion in any situation. While

compulsion in religion is prohibited in a clear Qur’anic statement, pressuring a person to comply

with another’s wishes is also wrong. It is not right for parents to force their adult sons and

daughters to accept choices that they do not favor, even though they may feel that such choices

are for their own good. Similarly, it is not acceptable that parents should be placed under

pressure to accept choices that their adult sons and daughters prefer. Personal choice is the right

of every individual, because ultimately we are individually responsible before Allah for our

actions. A woman came to the Prophet, peace on him, complaining of her father’s action.... see page 10

for Hadith

On the other hand, parents are given their due position of respect. Their sons and daughters

must always be dutiful, giving their parents all they can to make their lives more comfortable and

happy. They should know that invariably parents care of their children and hope that they will

lead a happy life. When parents suggest something to their children, it is only because they feel

that it is in their children’s best interests. We cannot say that this applies to every individual

parent in the same way. People differ, and there are always those who depart from the norm. Yet

the normal situation is that parents try to help their children in every way they can, because they

love them and want the best for them. Hence, God made dutifulness to parents an extremely

important duty, mentioning it more than once in the Qur’an as second only to belief in His

oneness:

“Worship God alone and do not associate with Him any partners. Be kind to

your parents and near of kin.” (An Nis’a 4:36)

“Your Lord has ordained that you shall worship none but Him, and that

you must be kind to your parents.” (Bani Israel 17:23)

It is certainly not kind or dutiful if a son or daughter says to their parents: “Unless you approve of

my marriage to this person, I will have an illegitimate relationship with him or her.” Those making

such statement may intend it only as a means of pressure to get their parents to approve the

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marriage. They may not even contemplate any illegitimate relationship with anyone, but making

such a statement is unkind, as it puts the parents in a very difficult position. To start with, if the

person concerned is serious and he or she may consider an illegitimate relationship, let them be

honest about it by not placing the responsibility for their actions on their parents. If they are not

serious, they should never utter such a threat. They should be kind to their parents and give them

their dues.

What the parents in this case should do is to tell their daughter that they cannot accept rushing

into a marriage without taking appropriate measures to establish whether the person concerned

is a good match or not. Here we are not talking about financial status. We are talking about the

man himself; Is he religious, honest, kind to his family, and will he make a good husband and a

kind parent? Is he generous or stingy; considerate or selfish; etc? If the daughter does not allow

her parents a chance to establish such information, then they should tell her to go away and lead

the life she wants, because they do not accept responsibility for her choices. They should be firm

with her, because they cannot let her dictate their own life as well as hers.

We should remember that if a woman marries someone without her father’s approval, he can

object to her marriage on grounds of incompatibility, and an Islamic court will nullify the

marriage if incompatibility is proven. But this mechanism may not be available in many Muslim

countries. What this tells us, however, is that if the principle of nullifying a marriage after it has

taken place is acceptable, then objecting to it before it takes place is even more appropriate.

Certainly a father can object to a marriage proposal to his daughter on several grounds, such as

the prospective bridegroom’s commitment to faith, character, or social status.

In this particular case, the man seems to take advantage of the girl’s commitment in order to skip

some or all the responsibilities that are incumbent on him. He should, for example, give his

prospective wife a suitable dower, but he seems to have persuaded her to forgo this. Her parents

should explain to her why Islam makes a dower necessary, and give it all to the wife to be her

own property. It is not to impose hardship on the man, but rather to honor the woman. Having

said that, I should add that dower should not be the criterion for accepting a husband or refusing

him, so as to accept only those who can pay a large dower. It is the man that is most important.

But the man seems also not to want to incur any expense, as appears from his reason not to wish

to give a Valima. The Valima is a dinner offered by the husband to relatives and neighbors as a

means to publicize the marriage and an occasion for the community to share in the joy of two of

its families. If his relatives are living in some other country, there are neighbors and friends who

should be invited. However, it should be remembered that the Valima is not obligatory, though

strongly recommended.