Edge January 2014
description
Transcript of Edge January 2014
ISSUE NO: 207
www.theedgemag.co.uk Telephone 01245 348256 Mobile: 077 646 797 44 [email protected]
JANUARY 2014‘THE CHELMSFORD FANZINE’
EDGEthe
The Edge 207 8.1_The Edge 172.qxd 17/12/2013 10:46 Page 1
Page 2 The Edge 01245 348256
NEW PRODUCT LAUNCHING
IN UK 2014
TAKE A LOOK & GIVE US
YOUR THOUGHTS
& FEEDBACK
MOTOPARKINGUK
MOTOPARKINGUK
www.motoparking.co.uk
Iwas driving along the A12 in dense fog the other day and there were
drivers doing 70mph in the outside lane. They eventually had top move
over, but I really had to floor it to make up for lost time.
The answer to The Edge’s query the other month, about what to do if
you get caught short whilst wanting a pee whilst driving is, as any self-
respecting bus or lorry driver will tell you, is to relieve oneself into an
empty Locozade bottle. Check out any lay-by for confirmation.
It was like when someone farts in a lift and nobody dare say anything by
chance they get the blame. Three year old Anna dropped her Peppa Pig
at her grandad’s funeral. “Oh bollocks,” she pronounced, and we all
stared directly ahead in case she’d heard it from one of us.
Well done First Bus for not employing drivers who have points on their
license for using a mobile ’phone whilst driving. If insurance compa-
nies followed their example and doubled the premiums of offenders, acci-
dent rates would plummet.
Ireckon most blokes who shave their head are in denial about their pre-
mature baldness. I proffered this theory to my mate, Tug, who’s head is
as smooth as a baby’s backside, but he assured me it wasn’t the reason
in his particular case. So I called his bluff and dared him to grow it for a
week. Poor bugger wasn’t lying. He’s ginger.
Something else I'm very wary of is 'social networking'. I set up my
FaceBollock page a while back, yet within days I had managed to
'unfriend' myself. This made access impossible as every time I tried to log
on, I was told 'you are not a friend of The Hairy Monster'. It took three
weeks to establish a new page, but the original one is still spurning my
advances and won't let me be his (my) mate. Also I noticed that my new
identity had a ‘changed profile’. It appears I recently visited Dublin, was in
a 'complicated relationship' and liked Phil Collins. I don't mind the first two
mistakes, but Phil Collins FFS! And according to FB my relationship with
my son is now 'pending', which raises certain concerns. Supposing the
decision goes against me? Will I have to repay 18 years worth of child
benefit? And will my son have to repay 14 years worth of pocket money?
‘Social networking’ my arse. More like antisocial networking.
It's not only the power companies that have problems supplying the serv-
ice they are, by definition, supposed to deliver. My SatNav also seems
intent on playing silly buggers with me, rather than simply directing me
from A to B. I was driving along the Embankment in London a few weeks
ago when it told me to turn left in 100 yards. Luckily I was aware that the
coach I was driving was not amphibious, so I ignored the instruction, but
then it went all stroppy on me and spoke that dreaded word 'recalculating'
before switching itself off. This would not have been a problem if I'd had
an A-Z handy, but I didn’t. In fact, I honestly had no idea where the feck
the theatre we were destined for was located. Before headless panic set
in, I stopped alongside a red London bus and asked the driver where the
Theatre Royal was. Just my luck, he was Polish and had never even
heard of it. But I eventually found the theatre with minutes to spare before
the performance began, at which point the SatNav turned itself back on
and said: 'You have arrived at your destination.'
Every so often we as a nation go all hysterical about a group of people
or an organisation. In 1997 it was the Royal Family, then we had the
Millennium Dome, the banking system and just recently we've all grown to
hate the power companies. This last group has had a pretty rough ride
over the past few months, but I feel obliged to rise to the defense of
NPower. I logged on to my computer the other afternoon and there was
an email from them. It was an apology to its 5.4 million customers. “We're
sorry,” it began, and then listed lots of reasons for its contrition. It seems
NPower acknowledges that it has consistently failed to deliver an accept-
able standard of service on many levels and was grovellingly remorseful
for its execrable customer satisfaction levels. Its chief executive, Paul
Massara, then started to tell me what he intends to do to put things right,
but sadly he didn't manage to finish because at this point there was......a
power cut! So whilst I agree with Mr Massara that NPower is a crap
organisation that doesn't give a shit about its millions of overcharged
customers, when it comes to comic timing, it takes the gold award.
The Edge 207 8.1_The Edge 172.qxd 18/12/2013 10:06 Page 2
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ART THOU
NOT PESKY
ENTERTAINED?
The Edge loved that bit in Gladiator,
after Maximus Decimus Meridius had
slain a few in the arena, before then
considering it pertinent to address the baying
hoardes with but one simple question.
And it’s as much as The Edge suggests to
you, dear readers, at the very start of yet
another so-called ‘brand new year’, for all we
seek to do is offer you a little nonsensical
escape from the sheer drudgery of life for but
half-an-hour or so once every month.
And that’s it. That’s all we’re here for.
So just switch off and lose yourself in
‘The World of The Edge’!
Of course, in amongst it all there’s always a
few pertinent points to be made, such as the
quality that the opening of The New London
restaurant now brings to Chelmsford on page
11, plus a letter from a reader on page 18
who got in FREE to see a Dr Who Exhibition.
But for the main part, it’s all just bollocks,
really, and long may The Edge reign for
nailing it’s pants to the mast.
The Edge 207 8.1_The Edge 172.qxd 17/12/2013 12:45 Page 3
CONGESTIONAll of us locals can see that Chelmsford is a fast
expanding little city. Hell, even John Lewis and
Waitrose are coming to town.
Then there’s the all new rail link up at Beaulieu
Park.
But surely the knock-on effect of all of this
progress has got to be even greater congestion -
and God knows Chelmsford’s already congested
enough as it is.
So what’s going to happen along Victoria Road
(which in turn will obviously effect New Street
and Springfield Road) once Waitrose opens up?
Surely it’s as plain as daylight that Chelmsford
hasn’t got a clue how to marshall itself and quite
honestly never has.
Remember the debacle of the traffic lights, which
very quickly became hooded Klu Klux Klan type
figures, along Parkway leading to High Bridge
and Tesco/Iceland/Springfield Road?
What an abject waste of taxpayers money those
were, yet what remains are some ridiculous,
nonsensical Mickey Mouse orange and white
bollards that means you have to go all the way
up to the Victoria Road South roundabout and
double back on yourself simply to turn into The
Meadows Shopping Centre car-park in Baddow
Road. Just how pathetic is that?
Then there’s the dratted Army Navy roundabout.
When I first moved to Chelmsford as a fresh-
faced pre-editor aged just 21, the first thing
someone mentioned to me about the town (as it
was then) I was moving to was, “There’s a
roundabout there that’s a total bloody night-
mare.”
Some thirty years down the line, has anything
changed?
I think we all know the answer to that one.
I’m sorry, but the flow of traffic in Chelmsford has
simply got to take precedent and that means
doing away completely with both sets of (some-
times) pedestrian controlled traffic lights just off
the Army Navy roundabout (both Parkway and
Princes Road).
They have to go. A normal, free-for-all system
would definitely work better.
“But how do we cross the road?” say mum’s with
babies in buggies and such like.
The honest answer is that you’ll have to be
inconvenienced a little bit by walking down to the
High Bridge/Manor Road roundabout to use the
underpass there because understand this: this is
not about you.
In fact, the walk will do you good and you are
most definitely part of the problem because there
isn’t sufficient time to keep on devoting half-a-
minute for you lot to lackadaisically amble across
the road and keep on stalling the damned traffic.
Vehicles are the problem and the traffic’s what
needs to be kept moving, so it’s high time that
the people who can genuinely make a difference
to the City of Chelmsford got their damned
heads out of the sand and start sorting it out.
FALLING DOWNTook the father-in-law and his ‘squeeze’ out the
other evening (to The Lion Inn at Boreham
where I had the most delicious fish pie) and
they’re both 75, gawd bless ’em, so naturally it
wasn’t long before the subject of old people
falling over reared its ugly head.
They do though, don’t they? They’re like bloody
Tumble Tots are old people, only they don’t get
back up so well and tend to rock about a bit on
the deck for a while.
“She’s had a fall,” the father-in-law informed us,
pursing his lips like only Les Dawson used to be
able to. “Shook herself up a bit.”
Then we heard about all the cuts and bruises
and how she might very well have passed out for
a while, and I’m thinking, ‘My godddddd, I’ve got
all of this malarkey to come. Oh what fun and
games it’s going to be, is having a bit of a fall.”
MAN FLUHave had my first proper dose of Man Flu this
winter and I wasn’t sleeping, so I went to the
chemist and they recommended Night Nurse,
which although familiar with I’d never taken
before.
Wow! Not sure whether it was the Night Nurse or
the whiskey (I always drink whiskey when I’ve
caught a cold) or a combination of the two (plus
being dog tired) but I slept like a log and right
the way through ’til 9:00am the following morning
....which was a Saturday, before you ask.
THE EDGE Chelmsford CM2 6XD 077 646 797 44
The Edge Editor’s Column
Page 4 The Edge 01245 348256
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Please God ‘LIKE’ The Edge. Go on...
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DO IT NOW! For Christ’s sake, LIKE
The Edge as no bugger else does.
Tel: 01245 605700Web: www.chelmsford.gov.uk/museums
Oaklands Park, Moulsham Street, Chelmsford, CM2 9AQ
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46-46-46
The word selfie now, apparently, appears in the
Oxford English Dictionary.
How did that happen?
A selfie is described as: A photograph that one
has taken of oneself, typically with a smartphone
or webcam, that is uploaded onto a social media
website.
It goes on to say: ‘Occasionally selfies are
acceptable, but posting a new photograph of
yourself every single day seriously isn’t neces-
sary.’
Narcissistic, or what?
Personally speaking, I have only ever sent a self-
ie to a select few friends and acquaintances,
usually whilst under the influence, and generally
only of certain parts of my impeccable anatomy.
The Edge seriously never looks at Facecock
(why would it?) but on the very odd occasion that
it spots a profile or two as its computer is reboot-
ing itself, it is always astounded to see Jackie
eating a burger, or Tom necking a lager.
Hardly revolutionary, is it?
Selfies. Bah!
Taking a Selfie
Because me and the wife are posh, this ottoman
(yes, I thought you’d be impressed, readers) that
we’d had on order from Tides in Brentwood
(although they used to be at the top of Baddow
Road opposite Pizza Express in Chelmsford for
a short while, if you recall?) eventually turned up
after 10 weeks instead of four, with optional ickle
legs on the bottom to raise it up off the ground
by 5cm (I’ve even just measured the gap as I
wouldn’t want to be telling you porkies).
Anyway, we thought it looked better raised ever
so slightly, only these ickle stumpy 5cm legs
required 4 screws each and you can bet your life
they weren’t provided.
So off I toddled on a Saturday morning up to
B&Q in the motor I’d currently loaned from my
parents that absolutely drinks fuel for fun, though
I tell you, I haven’t laughed about anything much
in a long time.
When I got there, the only screws I could find
that were suitable came in a pack of 25 and cost
£7.98.
Now let me just repeat that for you slowly, read-
ers. This pack of 25 screws I purchased from
B&Q the other Saturday morning cost me £7.98
and what with the bloody fuel the 2.5litre V6
engined Cougar was drinking, I made that about
a tenner for the round-trip.
Silver, these screws were, although I hadn’t
imagined they were solid silver.
Jesus wept, I still haven’t gotten over the shock
of it a few days later, so I’ll repeat one last time
what my deep distress is all about: £7.98 (yes,
you heard The Edge right) for a pack of 25
screws from B&Q.
I even had to have a lie down before I screwed
the buggers in at that price.
Talk about being....
SCREW YOU, SIR.
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The Edge 207 8.1_The Edge 172.qxd 17/12/2013 12:37 Page 5
Page 6 [email protected]
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“A Secret Nuclear Power Plant at Hatfield Peverel”
WHAT THIS PICTURE SAYS TO THE EDGE...
We may as well start the New Year off on a dull note and The Edge would like to open a can of
worms by revealing, for the record, that it has noticed some peculiar side-effects as regards certain
folks living within close proximity of Hatfield Peverel’s controversial Nuclear Power Plant (turn right
out of the railway station and you’ll soon see it in the distance on your left).
As we all know, a nuclear power station is a thermal power plant. In short, it’s a bit like a flask of
tea in which the brew is kept warm for the remainder of the day by a built-in, spring-loaded, nuclear
reactor fitted within its base.
That said, the only trouble with this complicated process is that if any gases ever escape and mix
in with the ozone layer, then dear oh dear, menfolk can quickly develop breasts whilst women can
often turn into fully fledged chickens in the environs immediately surrounding.
Local residents have been warned to remain vigilant and not take any drastic steps, such as mov-
ing lock stock and three smoking barrels out of the area. But only this last week, The Edge’s snap-
happy, yet these days somewhat seldomly seen roving photographer, Matthew Sadler, alarmingly
managed to capture this disturbing evidence:-
John & Freda Stockcube of Maldon Road, Hatfield Peverel, have been
hit particularly badly as Freda (above) recently gave birth to a rather
large egg, whilst John has had to shell out on a series of 42DD lacy
bra’s in order to better contain himself.
“It’s not what we expected when we moved here from Newland
Springs,” says Freda. “You can say that again,” echoes John.
“My husband’s always been a
bit of a man’s man, but since
he’s started growing breasts,
all he wants to do is rip his bra
off when he returns home
from work and start incubating
our egg by sitting on it.”
“Aye,”, says John, “you’re not
wrong there.”
So beware, Chelmsford, which
way the wind’s blowing...
203 Moulsham Street, Chelmsford, CM2 9PF.TEL: 01245 494194
www.stephenalexander.co.ukEMAIL: [email protected]
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only
A diagram (above) and Hatfield PeverelNuclear Power Plant Control Room (right).
OK, so her on the left hasn’t comeout of it too badly, but....
Many men in HatfieldPeverel have discovered
of late that they havethe ability to produce
breast milk from their.... ...erm, well, breasts.
The Edge trusts you have all
spotted this in Chelmsford?
The Edge 207 8.1_The Edge 172.qxd 17/12/2013 12:38 Page 6
EngraR
The Edge 207 8.1_The Edge 172.qxd 18/12/2013 14:51 Page 7
Ring out the old.
Ring in the new.
Yeah, yeah, yeah...
who’s kidding who?
Mr Edge the editor told
us last month that he
didn’t much care for the
C-word (Christmas).
In fact, after reading his
piece ‘Christmas is Cancelled’ in the December Edge, it
appears he doesn’t like it at all! He even went so far as
to reference last month’s Citizen Column about
Christmas music and New York columnist Steve Ward’s
apparent taste for the Spanish delicacy of paella on
Christmas Day to support his Scroogelike tendencies.
The truth is, Citizen suspects he’s not alone as it is not
Mrs Citizen’s favourite season either. In fact, she usually
needs several days of persuasion to even put up the
tree, only then she can’t wait to take it back down again
just as soon as the New Year has arrived (or even soon-
er if she thinks she can get away with it). Some- times I
hardly think it’s worth the trip up to the loft to retrieve all
the deccies in the first place. And the New Year leaves
her cold in more ways than one.
Citizen suspects she’s not alone.
But where does our editor stand on New Year?
His not-so-subtle suggestion to Citizen that a seasonal
piece on the ‘New Year Blues’ might not go amiss did
kind of give it away, I think.
So is the elongated season of festivities the actual cause
of the oft reported New Year Blues?
Certainly the more you think about it, bundling Christmas
and New Year together either extends the excitement or
prolongs the agony. For one thing, Citizen would have to
say that leaving the deccies up beyond 1st January is an
out-and-out no-no. It’s just sad. Tragic even. Christmas is
over. Move on. Forget about it - at least for another year.
Nothing looks more stupid and tasteless, in Citizen’s
view, than houses that have been festooned with copious
amounts of lights, mobiles, electronic Santa’s, snowmen
and animated Disney characters since the end of
November, staying that way until well into January.
Don’t you just bet the ‘Big 6’ energy companies rub their
hands together with glee at the very sight of all that non-
sense consuming all those watts of electricity for 5 or 6
weeks through to Twelfth Night, before the owners tear-
fully admit defeat.
Come to think of it, what the hell have Mickey Mouse
and Donald Duck got to do with Christmas anyway?
But it’s not just here in the UK that the whole scene is
embellished. An Italian taxi driver, on an expensive jour-
ney from Sorrento to Naples airport, once told Citizen
that the most ardent F.C. Napoli supporters even add a
model of Diego Maradona to their own traditional gather-
ing of shepherds and angels in their outdoor crib scenes!
But why leave them up past New Year? None of these
Santa or Disney images - and certainly not Argentinean
football players - has anything to do with Hogmanay.
In fact, Olde Father Thyme with his sickle would be far
more appropriate.
As it is, unless you book tickets to go to the pub for an
evening of forced jollity and a chorus of Auld Lang Syne
at midnight, you might as well stay in and watch Jools
Holland present his annual Hootenanny on the BBC. (By
the way, it is rumoured that his show, which comes
across as an impeccably timed live broadcast, is actually
recorded in November. If so, what if a guest appearing in
it, or someone in the audience (there is a four year wait-
ing list) actually dies before it is aired?) When asked if
the show was pre-recorded, it is said that Jools
remarked, “You don’t want to be the person who tells the
children the truth about Father Christmas, do you?”
So what about Auld Lang Syne, whatever the hell that
means. Do you think you will still end up singing the
Rabbie Burns classic next year if the Scots vote for
Independence on 18th September 2014?
In all seriousness, Citizen hopes and prays that the ‘NO’
vote wins the day. We may relish the thought of thrash-
ing the Jocks at football, but in Citizen’s view, we are all
still the one nation of Great Britain. Absolutely no-one
fights more heroically for us in times of conflict than the
Scots and Citizen, for one, shares in their triumphs
(Andy Murray at Wimbledon, for instance) and feels their
tragedies as though we are all part of the same United
Kingdom - which we still are, and long may such contin-
ue. Mr and Mrs Edge may have their Scottish smoked
salmon for breakfast on Christmas Day, but let’s hope
Alex Salmond doesn’t have the English for breakfast
later on this year!
Whilst on the subject of the referendum, why do English,
Welsh and Irish people living in Scotland get a vote,
whilst Scottish people living in England, Wales or
Northern Ireland don’t?
Come to think of it, shouldn’t the whole of the UK get a
say as it surely affects us all?
It is honestly one of the more serious issues to look for-
ward to this year. There’s also the Winter Olympics (does
Jamaica still enter a bobsleigh team?) and, of course,
the World Cup Finals in Brazil. When Scotland used to
occasionally qualify, it was always an easy decision for
their supporters as to how long a holiday they needed to
take off work. The first week-and-a-half was usually
always enough, before boarding the first flight back
home before all the serious stuff began.
OK, so just when Citizen was saying nice things about
our friends (?) and neighbours north of Hadrian’s Wall,
he goes and blows it all with yet another cheap Scottish
football jibe. But perhaps Citizen shouldn’t be so smug?
Who’s to bet that England will fare any better this year,
or even make it to their traditional quarter-final exit? The
Scots could well be laughing all the way to the Polling
Station!
As you read this, no doubt many shops and supermar-
kets will all be putting up their St. Valentine’s Day and
even Easter displays, if they haven’t already, gawd bless
’em. Citizen once stopped off at a Motorway service sta-
tion between Christmas and New Year and saw the staff
setting up an Easter Egg Promotion and it was enough
to make you vomit. So naturally any time soon those
Cadbury’s Creme Eggs will be tempting us to break our
New Year’s diet resolutions, if any of us actually bother
with resolutions any more?
Citizen might well have to completely ignore any further
suggestions from Mr Edge as regards topics for a rant as
he imagines this one’s proved far too down-in-the-mouth!
Then again, perhaps not, as when it comes down to it,
isn’t the festive season all just a bit too overhyped for us
all these days, and in the end inevitably ends up being
one enormous LET DOWN that is finally compounded
when our dratted credit card bills arrive on our doormats
around the third week of January!
Page 8 The Edge 01245 348256
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CITIZEN
The Edge would have no hesitation in sticking
T K MAXX
coathangers straight into Room 101.
Whilst riffling through their jeans section every third
pair I ever look at generally falls to the floor
...and that’s where they bloody well stay!
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01245 262 [email protected] An idependently owned and operated �anchise.
Chelmsford
Bring a celebrity to your party!
Life-size celebrity �om £32.97
Life-size celebrity cutouts & masks
Create your own available.
Ideal for Hen & Stag parties
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BAD HANGERS
The Edge 207 8.1_The Edge 172.qxd 18/12/2013 10:06 Page 8
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Look....NO HANDS!
What a novel way of not losing
your balance in a tube carriage.
These style of ‘booties’ (is that
what they call ’em?) on these style
of ladies are absolutely magnifi-
cent, aren’t they? They’re just so
multipurposeful.
For instance, when this lady had
returned safely home, her husband
(in the chequered shirt) decided to
wallpaper their spare bedroom
using his wife’s ass as a pasting
table and got the job executed with-
in but a couple of hours.
And in summer, when it all gets a
bit too hot out in the garden, his
wife lays on their patio whilst her
husband sticks a parasol pole into
her ass and hey presto, instant
shade.
Honestly, readers, it is just amazing
what you can do with a ‘bootie’. All
homes should definitely have one.
www.bootielicious.co.uk
So what’s the story behind this love-
ly Morris Minor Pick-Up that The
Edge spotted parked in Moulsham
Street the other day?
It’s a beaut....but who owns it?
How long have you had it?
Where did you buy it?
And what do you use it for?
So far as The Edge knows, Morris
Minors date back to the late 1940s,
John Noakes (the former Blue Peter
presenter - “Get down, Shep!”) used
to drive a red convertible model on
‘Go With Noakes’, although it’s the
wood-framed Traveller (estate) ver-
sion that The Edge remembers
most fondly.
Love the gold colour of this particu-
lar model - and the wheels.
It looks as though it’s proper fun
driving it and if you had a bed of
straw in the back and a pig, then
hell, it’d finish ‘the look’ off com-
pletely.
Is it road tax exempt too? (Even
better!)
It’s just a proper ickle corker of a
motor car and The Edge is very
curious indeed.
So go on....spill the beans!
One Way to Stabilise
Oneself on the Tube
What’s the story?
The Edge 207 8.1_The Edge 172.qxd 17/12/2013 12:55 Page 9
Page 10 The Edge 01245 348256
To His Lordship: Mr Edge
We are gathered here today to say agrand farewell to someone who hasshaped local debate over the past 18months; a man who has grasped theimagination of this fare ‘city’; a manwho has bamboozled you mainstreamthinkers and said: “I, the Gent, standup for what I believe in.”
In many cultures one has had thepleasure of profiting from....they nameeach year after an animal; the Snake,the Tiger, the Swan. Well, ladies andgentlemen, 2013 will go down in manypeople’s minds as the year of ‘TheGent’. {Interestingly, if ‘The Gent’ wasan animal, he would probably be abear, a ruddy big brown one.}
People of Chelmsford, my Chelms-ford, we have laughed, we have cried,we have got infuriated by one another.One remembers fondly reading thatone of you little rascals wrote of myThatcher memoir: ‘The person whowrote that article is a complete .’The Edge’s readership have suchsubtlety of tongue. I say to this face-less slug, like dear Lady Thatcherwould’ve: “Where there is discord,may we bring harmony.’ As she did.And as I sought to do.
One does not anticipate an utterly out-landish memorial the likes of whichwe have seen recently, with a shoddy,drunk, sign-linguist interpreter, and theworld and his wife having a competi-tion as to who could be the biggestgushing moron. One is pleased that itis now plainly accepted that his role inthe 21st century was largely ‘over-egged’.
No, we prefer stoicism. A brief touchof the hand, a single tear, beforeone’s emotions are gathered. One is agreat Britain after all. Growing up,‘The Gent’ remembers that one of thefarmhands round the corner, ratherabruptly, dare I say rudely, knockingon our grand door early one evening.He was 90 or so, and deadpan, ‘TheGent’ answered the door. He saidquite calmly: “My wife’s just died. Isyour Mum in?” Absolutely straight-faced. She was just asleep, he wasan idiot, but that’s not the point. Not ajot of emotion. We are not good atgoodbyes.
Why is ‘The Gent’ departing? Well,one is leaving these Essex shores.‘The Gent’ is upping sticks/his estate.Due to the rigid criteria of Edgecolumnists, this must be the end of
our open discussion. Our little tête-à-tête. Apologies for using the languageof the heathen.
One hears the cries, ”Don’t go.” Oh,‘The Gent’ has taught you so well. Butthe thing is, this county has become acaricature of itself. Silly Billy orangenitwits loitering, all brash and cock-neyesque - the dimwit allowed to rule- over the strivers. True Essex Gentsand (some) ladies had a market driv-en desire to get on at the expense oftheir ‘puny’ neighbours. One has abigger car, a bigger house than you -one is eminently superior and you are,quite frankly, a bit thick. Where’s thatspirit gone? It’s all gone a bit ruddycuddly. “Oh, look at this weasel in myhandbag. I’m off to wax my back.”
The Edge has always represented thebest of this county. Defiant, entrepre-neurial, couponistic, raw. It’s editorhas his own style; “You are feckinglate with your column yet again, youcretin.”. But he’s a good egg; honest,opinionated, ginger....a true bastion offree speech. ‘Shit Chelmsford!’ is tes-tament to the fact that this dearfanzine sees the good and the bad inthis little ‘town’ of ours. And there ismuch of both (see the emergingDeath Star by the Marconi building).
So long may this publication push theboundaries and long may it be sup-ported, oft causing the odd cappucci-no to be spat out on the morning com-mute to Liverpool Street. Or the occa-sional inappropriate belly laugh at theback of a Parent’s Evening gathering.Where would we be without it?Probably exactly as we are now, butwith a little less enjoyment in our lives.
As people, we must say what we feel,and not be afraid to say it either. Oneadmits one’s views on Europe and thescavenging vulture that is Brussels isa little ‘left-field’ for some palates. Oneaccepts ‘The Gent’ was a little judg-mental of the proprietors of Iceland.It’s just that you are failing as humanbeings, like vegetarians, or Unionmembers.
One leaves without a scandal, whichone can’t argue is a little disappointing- perhaps evidence of failure. But onehas tried.
But before one departs, it would bewrong of ‘The Gent’ not to impart fur-ther wisdom on you. So here it is, forthe very last time ever: DON’T SHITON YOUR OWN TIME.
The Gent
The Gentleman
BRIEF ENCOUNTER
Should havegone to
Whatever the dispute, we are the experts in conflict resolution
and are here to help
www.essexmediation.co.ukChelmsford: 01245 492200 Colchester: 01206 767388
Harlow: 01279 311431
****
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Terms and conditions: Valid Sunday - �ursday all day and Friday - Saturday before 6pm from 01 January 2014 to 31 January 2014 at Loch Fyne Chelmsford. Discount o� food bill only. O�er only valid on à la carte menu. �is o�er cannot be used in conjunction with any other o�er, promotion, set menu, lunch, breakfast or special event menus. One advert per table for a maximum of 4 diners. Please present this advert to your waiter on arrival. O�er expires 31/01/14.
Loch Fyne Chelmsford109-111 Bond Street, Chelmsford, Essex, CM1 1GS
Tel: 01245 293620
At Loch Fyne ChelmsfordSunday - �ursday all day (Friday - Saturday before 6pm)
Treat yourself to our mouth-watering à la carte menu or daily specialsincluding Lobster frites, seafood grill, king prawn masala or our
signature seafood platters and we’ll treat you to 25% o� your food bill
To enjoy this o�er, please bring this advert when you dine
2 5 % O F FF O O D
J O I N U S F O R
how very sophisticated
Places in Chelmsford don’t often get it right, and sadly, that’s the truth.
However, Justin Cracknell’s managed to do just that with the recent open-
ing of The New London restaurant where the old Red Lion pub used to
stand in New London Road, opposite Lower Anchor Street, and for that he
ought to be applauded.
Cast your minds back to the halcyon days of Bada in Broomfield Road,
when Barry & David created it, opened it, and ran it. The key to their
success was undoubtedly consistency, although The Edge loved their
minimalistic approach to everything bar what was in your glass or on your
plate.
That same consistency and attention to detail is what The Edge is expect-
ing from The New London, and what’s more, it has absolutely no doubts
whatsoever that Justin is going to deliver - and keep on delivering - simply
because that’s the sort of talented, decent and dedicated chap that he is.
Like the Bada of old, The New London is clutter free, predominantly grey,
but with a splash of red here and there, and The Edge just adores it. It is
clearly evident that Justin also has a passion for first-class contemporary
cuisine, but with a classic twist.
We were shown to a wonderful table for two overlooking New London
Road and the bright lights of the stop-start midweek evening traffic. OK, so
it might not have been Park Lane out there, but The Edge thinks that
what’s on the inside is right up there with the type of fare you’d be pleased
to receive if you were out fine-dining-it in the capital itself.
We began by ordering a bottle of Alta Vista (Malbec) £26.00 which tasted
delightful - we are very much into Malbec at the moment!
To start I had the seared scallops (including the roe, and honestly, why
ever not, for I happen to think it adds to the flavour), cauliflower beignets,
curried cauliflower puree £8.50 whilst Mrs E opted for the shredded short
rib of beef, chili & lime salad £6.50
Lovely as they both were, they prepared neither of us for what was about
to follow. Our mains; panfried seabass, cod, scallop, langoustine, roast
garlic mash, sorrel butter £19.50; duck breast, crispy leg, peas, smoked
bacon, baby gem lettuce, spiced honey sauce £17.50
Both (we do like to share) were absolutely sensational and I do mean seri-
ously, seriously, good. I have honestly never tasted duck like it. So succu-
lent; not at all fatty. And the seabass - with its crispy skin - was cooked to
perfection and tasted divine. Truly we are lost for plaudits.
By now the restaurant was about a third full on a Wednesday November
evening (the lull before the December storm?), but then The New London
has a gorgeous ambiance all of its very own and feels ‘cosy’ empty or full.
Judging by the other patrons present, there’s no way this restaurant will
ever be typecast either, as all ages were happily in attendance.
We shared an Apple Tatin with Salted Caramel Ice-Cream for dessert,
which was simply the icing on the cake of a wonderful, wonderful meal.
147 New London Road, Chelmsford, CM2 0AA. Tel: 01245 266288
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The Edge 207 8.1_The Edge 172.qxd 17/12/2013 13:10 Page 11
Page 12 The Edge 077 646 797 44
One of the general axioms of human
history is that people who create
things have always allowed their love
of new technology and innovations to
ruin the very thing they’re trying to
create. One of the principle reasons
behind this is attention-grabbing
behaviour, by which people try to get
free publicity not by being better than
the competition, but by showing how
forward-thinking they are. The fact
that progress in technology does not
necessarily correspond to progress in
quality seems, all too often, to get
lost.
Take, for example, the ‘loudness war’
that began to afflict the popular music
industry with the advent of digital
recording. You will notice the general
tendency towards this if you sit in a
pub that has a ‘random select’ playlist
going back forty or fifty years; the
more recent songs are invariably
louder than the older songs. That is
not in itself a problem, but in recent
years it has led to a battle between
bands on the basis not of how good
the music is, but of how loud the pro-
duction is. This reached its most stu-
pid level with the release of
Metallica’s album ‘Death Magnetic’,
which is mastered to such a high
level that it sounds distorted (not just
in the ‘heavy guitar’ sense). One can
get much the same effect by playing
music out loud on a ’phone. It’s horri-
ble. So, rather than technology being
used for its intended purpose - name-
ly to improve the effect of the music -
it has actually come to be used for a
totally contrary purpose; namely to
ruin the music just to prove that the
producer is capable of doing so.
The same kind of battle is now being
fought by brewers. We might call it
the ‘stupidity war’, for it consists
chiefly of brewers trying to outdo
each other in producing the stupidest,
foulest and most counter-intuitive
beers imaginable.
This isn’t specifically a brewing prob-
lem, of course. It afflicts modern cul-
ture generally, and its entry into the
realm of flavour creation can be
gauged by the infeasible popularity of
uber-twat chef Heston Blumenthal.
Like the real-ale brewers of Britain,
he cites history and tradition as the
basis of his products, and like the
worst brewers, he then proceeds to
completely ignore them in the execu-
tion. The result is crass, idiotic food-
stuffs and ‘food experiences’ which
have nothing to do with the genuine
enjoyment of food and everything to
do with the childish exhilaration of
getting one over on your friends by
doing something a bit different. It has
all the cultural validity of a plastic
novelty in a Lucky Bag.
In the beer world, the stupidity war
has manifested itself in the creation
of beers whose sole perceived virtue
is their extremity. Inspired by the US
micro-brewing revolution, UK brewers
have started to overload their beers
with ridiculous quantities of hops;
they appear not to have noticed that
the American versions are designed
to have the ‘sting’ taken out by being
served cold. Many new beers are cre-
ated with levels of bitterness that ren-
der them impossible for anyone with
functioning tastebuds to enjoy on
their own merit. Whatever enjoyment
is professed by the consumer is
merely the thrill of the exotic coupled
to a trainspotter’s obsession with
repeated routine. One has to wonder
if brewers actually send each other
pictures to demonstrate how many
hops, and which increasingly citric
and unpleasant varieties, they have
used in each brew. On three occa-
sions in the past week, I have found
beers so highly flavoured with the
aptly named Citra hop that they smell
indistinguishable from bathroom
cleaning products. Why would any-
one choose to drink them (needless
to say, I didn’t), other than through a
mania for keeping lists or the bravado
that leads morons to engage in chilli-
eating contests?
In a sense, we’ve been here before,
of course. Brewers in the 60s and
70s misapplied technological
advances in order to create bland
fizzy beer, just in the same way that
modern brewers have misapplied dif-
ferent advances to achieve different
effects. By the mid-seventies, people
had had enough of these beers, and
sales fell off markedly. There doesn’t,
so far, seem to be much evidence of
that happening to these new beers; if
anything, the opposite is the case.
But no-one should ever fool them-
selves that this has anything to do
with quality brewing or the apprecia-
tion of it.
Let battle commence!
David Sherman’s
BEER
REVIEW
Declaration of War
The Year That Was...as featured in The Edge!
U.T.C.
January 2013Edge features redeveloped bogs on MarketRoad which were officially opened at thetail end of November’12 by Puff Daddy.Edge describes outside of building as looking like “a Swedish Boat House.”
February 2013A copy of the mag reaches Machu Picchulong before its editor ever does, by kind courtesy of local couple Jill & John Barratt,the lucky devils.
March 2013Edge features an on-line plastic blow-updoll that ‘really is life-like’ called the‘Mexican Maid’. Sales go through roof soEdge patents design and makes a killing.
April 2013Edge questions Catholic Church as reckonsthis bloke ‘doesn’t look like pope material’.
May 2013Chelmsford Market kicks off Edge’s ‘Shit Chelmsford!’ series - due to it’sabsolutely revolting chicken-shit colour.
June 2013Editor masters ancient art of ‘shark balancing’ and lives to tell the tale after “great experience” in Riverside swimming pool.
Watch out for July - December 2013 next month, folks....IF The Edge can be arsed!
The Edge 207 8.1_The Edge 172.qxd 17/12/2013 13:00 Page 12
www.theedgemag.co.uk Page 13
Beer from
Heaven!Barista's third Winter Beer Festival
is to be held on Thursday 30th
January to Saturday 1st February,
reports Daniel Lucas.
For 2014 Barista will feature 14 real
ales, eleven of which you will dis-
cover down on their discreet dance
floor, with a further three available
from their very own unique gravity
pour taps that appear as if from
nowhere out of the ceiling (some
say “like being poured beer straight
from heaven!”).
Also available will be an array of
delicious Belgium fruit beers and
bottled ciders.
What a fantastic way to celebrate
Chelmsford’s very first beer festival
of the year by getting your drinking
goggles on and heading down to
Barista to saying goodbye to those
miserable winter blues!
Remember the carpet your feet used to
squelch into and stick to as you entered
Dukes, readers?
Well go check out THE DUKES EXHIBI-
TION at Chelmsford Museum and you
can stand on a brand new piece off the
original roll (see page 4).
The iconic Dukes nightclub called time
on 1st January 2012, yet for almost 30
years it was as symbolic of Chelmsford
as is the dratted Army Navy flyover.
The building actually started life as the
Lion & Lamb Hotel back in 1823.
Damaged during the war, it was rebuilt in
brick in the 1950s.
In 1990, now firmly established as
Dukes, it had a refit that included a
£1million lighting rig and video wall.
Ten years later the club was once again
remodeled with a brand new entrance at
the rear, lasers and an even bigger
dance floor.
Chelmsford Museum have done their
level best to pay homage to the Dukes
experience through photographs and
memorabilia; upon entering you will even
pass by the original Dukes desk!
So why not pop along and reminisce, or
pop along and see what you missed.
As a memento of your visit, a limited
number of Crackerjack (sorry, Dukes)
pens and VIP passes will be given away.
Now open and running until 21st April.
For further details contact:
DUKES
REMEMBERED
The Edge 207 8.1_The Edge 172.qxd 17/12/2013 13:10 Page 13
Page 14 The Edge 077 646 797 44
Estate Agents are generally the up-beat type, writes Stacy Walpole of
The Home Partnership. Selling property, to the right buyer, quickly and at
an impressive price, requires a ‘can do, will do’ approach that is unlikely to
be found in a pessimist.
Agents with a positive attitude are more likely to be able to identify oppor-
tunities on behalf of their clients. Combine that with a strong focus on
proactivity and hard work and results tend to follow.
To this end, we at THP have found that embracing the following activities,
at a time when some agents are blaming the market, pays real dividends:
1. Encouraging former homeowners to consider releasing their property.
These homeowners in turn become buyers again, adding fuel to the mar-
ket.
2. Demonstrating to buyers and investors that this is actually a historically
good time to purchase property. We do, of course, have all the economic
data and housing stats at our disposal to prove this point.
3. Having direct access to all the latest mortgage products thereby
empowers buyers who might previously have had difficulty securing fund-
ing.
4. Becoming even more deeply involved in managing chains of linked
transactions. This might include not only chasing mortgages and con-
veyances up and down the line, but even renegotiating a distant deal in
order to save others.
5. Working more intensively with good buyers by interpreting their needs,
thereby helping them to understand where areas of compromise may be
required. By also helping them to recognise relative value, this in turn
helps them feel confident about any offer they may make, ensuring that
the sale ultimately sticks.
So at a time when some agents are wondering where their business has
gone, why not engage with an agent who, through true hard work, innova-
tion and a positive, progressive approach, continues to deliver exceptional
results. Call us on 01245 250222 for an initial no-obligation chat, especial-
ly if you are a frustrated seller already on the market with another agent.
UP
BEAT
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W A N T E D
Taxi Drivers / PSV Minibus Drivers
& Owner Drivers
Good Rates of Pay!
Please call: 07860 968 639
The Edge 207 8.1_The Edge 172.qxd 17/12/2013 13:54 Page 14
www.theedgemag.co.uk Page 15
‘THE DADDY’
T&C’s: Typical sightseeing tour includes ‘Hop-on/Hop-off bus tour, or river cruise. All holidays must include a minimum of three night’s accommodation.
0844 854 [email protected] <
www.firstcall4travel.co.uk < facebook.com/firstcall4travel <
“Make your travel plans a reality... BOOK TODAY!”
Looking for a short City Break to remember?Planning to treat your partner to a romantic getaway? We can tailor-make theperfect itinerary just for you! All our destinations are easy to get to, with lots tosee and do, nice places to eat, great shopping and interesting cultural events.Plus, we are giving away a FREE city sightseeing tour (per person) for all citybreaks booked during January 2014.
3* Amsterdam, NH Tropen, 3 nts Room Only Depart: Southend 27 Feb 2014from £165pp
4* Venice, Hotel Bonvecciati, 3 ntsB&B Depart: Southend 14 Mar 2014from £326pp
5* Prague, Mamaison Riverside, 3 nts B&B Depart: Stansted 04 Apr 2014from £279pp
This is Mel Sanders, ladies and gentlemen, creator of Solo Home Improvementssome 30 years ago in Chelmsford, only these days they’re going stronger than evernow that they’ve rebranded as Solo & Sons and Mel has his four sons Luke, Arron,Toby and Ben all on-board....who Mel also had a hand in creating, so he informs TheEdge..“We’ve never advertised,” says Mel, “as we’ve never needed to. All our work comesthrough word-of-mouth, but with our change of name I just thought it’d be nice tohave a bit of a splash in The Edge!”As Mel says, 75% of Solo’s work is pure recommendation with the other 25% arriv-ing via Trust-a-Trader where they receive exceptionally good reviews (why not checkthem out and see for yourselves, readers).Solo & Sons can pretty much build you a brand new house, such are the skills attheir disposal.“It’s unusual to have a local company still going strong after 30 years,” says Melproudly, “but we like to think we offer a quality product, a quality service, and if thereare ever any snags, we like to get them sorted out as quickly as possible.”When he’s not up to his ears in all things Solo, former flanker Mel likes nothing bet-ter than watching the Saracens play rugger!
SOLO & SONS
01245 441962
The Edge 207 8.1_The Edge 172.qxd 18/12/2013 14:19 Page 15
Page 16 The Edge 077 646 797 44
This season’s Premiership has
been absolutely fantastic so far
and The Edge thinks that’s due in
no small part to Sir Alex Ferguson
no longer being in charge at
Manchester United (in all honesty,
had he been, would United really
be languishing in eighth place at
this particular time of the year?).
So by stepping aside, Sir Alex has
inadvertently made it a far more
exciting and open competition.
Whoever would have thought that
Arsenal would fare so well after
their 1-3 opening catastrophe and
capitulation at The Emirates
against Aston Villa? Make no mis-
take, many fans were baying for
Arsene Wenger’s blood on that
sultry August afternoon. Yet now
look at ’em?
And how exciting must it have
been to welcome Mourinho back to
The Bridge if you’re a Chelski fan?
But can he reproduce his old
magic second time around?
For what it’s worth, The Edge fan-
cied Manchester City even before
a game had been played this sea-
son and fully expects them to kick-
on now that the festive fixtures are
out of the way. They have cash
coming out of their boot laces and
really, it’d be a travesty if they did-
n’t ultimately capitalise whilst
neighbours United are going
through a transitionary period.
However, it’s teams like Everton,
Liverpool, Villa, Southampton and
West Brom that are really interest-
ing The Edge. All of their man-
agers are fascinating in their own
right, as is the type of football they
are attempting to play, and The
Edge would just love one of those
five to win one of the knock-out
competitions to validate the fact
that they’re on the right lines.
But it’s funny how you can quickly
go from being ‘flavour of the
month’ one season, as is the case
where Swansea are concerned, to
also rans this term. And after much
early season promise, The Saints
are belatedly flattering to deceive.
Surprise package of the season?
It’s got to be Newcastle United yet
again. After a fraught time last sea-
son, Alan Pardew seems as
though he’s once again got the
geordies firing on all cylinders, as
he miraculously did during the
2011-12 campaign, and somewhat
amazingly he’s also the second
longest serving manager in The
Premiership, which is plain crazy!
New London Road Telephone Box
Purchased For £1.00This is Justin Cracknell, readers, MD and creator of the all new The New
London restaurant in New London Road, Chelmsford, and he’s just bought
the red telephone kiosk situated out the front of his restaurant for one
whole UK pound sterling!
Justin views the telephone box in question as an iconic piece of British
architecture and says it’s actually a listed building.
“I wanted to embrace its colour in The New London,” states Justin, “with
discreet touches of red here and there, though anyone who’s been in
knows I favour grey and to
keep things as minimalistic as
possible.”
Justin contacted BT about the
’phone box soon after purchas-
ing the former Red Lion pub
and was told it could be his for
the princely sum of just £1.00.
You normally only get bargains
at Poundland for that price.
The Edge 207 8.1_The Edge 172.qxd 17/12/2013 13:55 Page 16
www.theedgemag.co.uk Page 17
The Cycle Company in New Street is
an independent shop established since
the early 1920’s, originally selling
cycles and mopeds, where my father
worked as a boy before eventually tak-
ing over, writes Michael Smith.
After working here from the tender age
of eleven, I decided to buy the business
from my dad back in 2007.
Naturally we still sell bicycles to gener-
ations of families where the older mem-
bers still remember when they had their
very first cycle as a child from our shop.
Since taking over we have naturally
moved with the times and today offer
quality brands from the most estab-
lished manufacturers, such as Giant,
who are the biggest cycle company in
the world and actually design and make
all of their own bikes plus many other
brands besides.
We specialise in our customer service,
after-sales service and all kinds of
repairs far too numerous to mention.
We are here to advise and assist every-
one - from the novice to the triathlete.
During my time over the past thirty-
something years I have seen many
changes and many new cycle outlets
arriving in our ever growing city, widen-
ing the portfolio of brands available.
Yet here we still are, evolving with the
times, from the good old days of
Hoffmans and Marconi, from the old
3-speed hub bikes to the days of the
University and today's busy city life with
30-speed cycles, carbon road bikes
and electric cycles to boot.
So why not come and have a browse
around our sale this month. You never
know, we might have just the cycle for
you!
Riding with the times
New Street, Chelmsford, CM1 1PP. TEL: 01245 28 39 29New Street, Chelmsford, CM1 1PP. TEL: 01245 28 39 29
JANUARY SALENOW ON!
27TH DEC. - 31ST JAN.
JANUARY SALENOW ON!
27TH DEC. - 31ST JAN.
PULSE is going to SARDINIAIf you want to tone-up, lose some weight and go home with a tan
whilst having all the outdoor fun in the world,
then come with us to sunny Sardinia!
Pulse is pleased to announce it’s 2014
EXERCISE RETREAT in beautiful, stunning Sardinia.
Stay in a traditional villa on a full-board basis and enjoy a full
programme of YOGA, TREKKING, CORE STABILITY,
RUNNING and much, much more, whilst topping
it off in the evening with a gentle stroll
around the old town & harbour.
The costs are all-inclusive (excluding flights) and cover all
sessions, accommodation, two nutritious meals a day, transfers
and gorgeous sandy beaches are but a minutes walk away whilst
the main town of Alghero is also within easy reach.
We only take small groups of 6 to 8 people as we feel we can offer a
far better1-2-1 personal service for our clients and cater
for varying degrees of fitness that way.
Our season starts from April through to June 2014,
then September through to November 2014
(we do not operate the months in between due to the severely
high temperature).
For further details and/or to book your place contact David on
07802 39 66 96 or 0845 075 3945
[email protected] www.pulseinsardinia.com
The Edge 207 8.1_The Edge 172.qxd 17/12/2013 13:55 Page 17
NOT A HAPPY BUNNYDear Mr. t'Edge,
I recently received the £200 winter
fuel payment from the government
and I'm not a happy bunny.
My TVR Chimaera uses super-
unleaded and only does 18mpg,
yet I still get the same allowance
as someone who drives a diesel
Skoda that does 65mpg.
I complained about this to Simon
Burns MP, but he did not respond.
Whatever happened to our 'caring
society'?
Regards,
Dave Preston.
P.S. Hope you receive my email
OK as I'm not sure about the con-
nection here in the Maldives.
Oh, that’s right, Preston....rub
our bleedin’ noses in it, why
don’t you. E.E.
BEAULIEU PARKDear Sedge,
I read Flabbergasted’s letter in
t’Edge with interest the other
month and have a lot of sympathy
for her. Frustrated at not being able
to get into The Meadows to pick up
my monthly drivel fix, I had a brain-
wave. Why not take a slight devia-
tion off my school run and pick up
a copy from Larry Sandum’s gym
in Boreham?
So I did that today and guess
what? There was some blonde girl
sat at the reception desk, filing her
nails (as they always seem to do),
so I asked her if there was any
chance she could let me have a
couple of copies of your mag.
You will never guess what she told
me, so I’ll tell you anyway. She
said, “We don’t stock them here.
The Edge man simply unloads
them here every month before they
get delivered around Beaulieu
Park.”
What a brown-noser you really are,
Sedge, for actually delivering
copies to Beaulieu Park.
I would be happy to forgive and
forget this matter, so long as you
can provide me with a couple of
outlets on the Broomfield side of
our great city as recompence?
I am not desperately short of funds,
but I really don’t want to move to
BP simply to have my copy deliv-
ered every month.
And do your agents also deliver to
the seedier sides of BP?
Kind regards,
Aviator.
P.S. How many of your BP fans go
camping for their holidays?
That’s an awful lot of questions,
Aviator. As regards a Broomfield
distribution outlet, well, I cannot
possibly say as there’s another
magazine that’s started up that
reads every last word The Edge
ever prints and likes to put their
mags wherever I put mine. The
seedier side of Beaulieu Park,
you say? Why, I never knew it
had one. However, they’re all
‘fur coats and no knickers’ up
on Beaulieu, so you can bet your
bottom dollar that they do go
camping. E.E.
Dear Son,
Just a few lines to let you know I'm
still alive.
I'm writing this letter slowly
because I know you can't read so
fast.
We are all doing very well. You
won't recognise the house when
you come visit us next as we have
moved. You see, your Dad read in
the ’paper that most accidents hap-
pen within 20 miles of your very
own home, so he wanted to lessen
the chances. However, I won't be
able to send you our address
because the previous family that
lived here took the house number
with them so that they wouldn't
have to change their address.
It’s a very nice place though and it
even came with a washing
machine. Mind you, I'm not sure
that it works so well as the last
time I put a full load in and pulled
the chain I honestly haven’t seen it
since.
Your father's got a really good job
and he's now got 500 men under
him. He's cutting the grass at the
cemetery.
Your sister Mary has had a baby,
but I haven't found out if it's a
boy or a girl yet, so I don't know
whether you’re an auntie or an
uncle.
Your brother Tom is still in the army
and is doing very well indeed. He's
only been in there a short while
but they've already made him a
court marshal.
Sadly, your Uncle Patrick drowned
last week in a vat of whisky on a
visit to the Dublin Brewery. Some
of his workmates tried to save him,
but he fought them off bravely.
When he was cremated it took
three days for them to put out the
fire.
I'm also sorry to say that your
cousin Seamus was arrested whilst
out riding his bicycle the other
week. He’s been charged with
dope peddling.
I went to see the doctor the other
day and your father went with me.
The doctor put a small tube in my
mouth and told me not to open it
for five minutes and your father
wanted to buy it off him.
The weather isn't as bad here as
where we used to live either. In
fact, it’s only rained twice this
week. The first time it rained for
three days and the second time it
rained for four days.
However, the week before it was
so windy that one of the chickens
laid the same egg four times over.
We’ve received a letter from the
undertaker. He said if the last pay-
ment on your grandmother's plot
wasn't settled within seven days,
then up she would come.
And about that coat you wanted
me to send you. Your Uncle Stan
said it would be far too heavy to
post in the mail, what with all those
buttons on it, so we cut them off.
And the arms as well.
Cousin John locked his keys in his
car yesterday. We were really wor-
ried because it took him over two
hours to get both me and your
father out.
Unfortunately, and I don’t like to be
the bearer of bad news, three of
your old school chums recently
went off a bridge in a pick-up truck.
Ralph was driving, but he managed
to kick out the windscreen and
swim to safety. But your other two
friends were in the back and they
drowned because they couldn't get
the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this
end though as nothing much has
happened.
Your loving Ma.
P.S. I was going to send you some
money, but I’ve already sealed the
envelope.
DOCTOR WHO EXHIBITION
Dear Mr t'Edge (again),
Me and my mate Skooby were
wandering through the Excel
Centre t’other day when we stum-
bled upon the The Doctor Who
Experience.
Fortunately we managed to blag
our way in without paying and what
an experience it was.
There were thousands and thou-
sands of geeks, nerds and weirdos
in there, most of them wearing Tom
Baker multi-coloured scarves or
Sylvester McCoy one-size-too-
small panama hats, all queuing up
for the 'Tardis Adventure'.
Skooby reckoned that the inside of
the Tardis was, in fact, the exhibi-
tion hall next door, and feck me,
when we snuck round the back, he
was damn right too.
There was also the opportunity to
get the autograph of a bit-part actor
who had played a slime-creature in
the 1970s, or for £13 you could
have your photo taken with a
green-headed monster (whose
costume was ever so slightly too
short, revealing his 'George at
Asda' trainers).
If you are thinking of visiting, both
me and Skooby suggest you go in
costume (i.e. shave your head and
stick some sort of a pubic wig on it
cos you'd have to be some sort of
Clark Kent to voluntarily pay the
£45 (yes, £45!!!) admission fee.
Regards,
Dave Preston (again).
P.S. As I said, the Tardis really is
just another exhibition hall, which is
a complete and utter bummer after
50 years of believing there was
indeed ‘another dimension’. My
mate Skooby was distraught.
When we left, after just 15 minutes,
we said to the girl on security (who
had let us in without paying) that
we couldn’t believe that people
were actually willing to shell out
£45 to see such dross and the
word she used to describe them all
was “saddos”.
Now you can’t go around calling
Dr Who fans ‘saddos’ just
because they happen to like
something that you particularly
don’t, Prezzer. Some folks clear-
ly get right ‘into’ travelling
timelord aliens whizzing about
the Universe in a blue Police
Box, in much the same way as
other folks like going out for
meals, or down to their local, or
to watch football matches, or
concerts. It’s horses for courses,
you see, lad. Each to their own
and all that.
Even though The Edge does find
it all a trifle strange, it does have
to admit. E.E.
Page 18 The Edge 077 646 797 44
YOUR
to edge!the
&letters
emails
LETTER FROM AN IRISHMOTHER TO HER SON
The Edge 207 8.1_The Edge 172.qxd 17/12/2013 13:23 Page 18
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When The Edge says kids, what itreally means, of course, is old kids,just like your Uncle Edge, whoused to tune in to The Hair Bear
Bunch back in 1971-72, whichmeans that it can’t have been themost popular cartoon show thatHanna-Barbera ever produced,that’s for sure.But what sticks in The Edge’s mindis Botch regularly saying, “Oohooh, Mr Peevly, sir, ooh ooh,”whenever Mr Peevly gave him anorder.The series was about three bearswho were always trying to find away out of Wonderland Zoo.Meanwhile, in the blue corner, theguy who was continually trying tostop them was Head Zookeeper
Mr. Eustace P. Peevly and hishopelessly inadequate assistantLionel J. Botch, who always lookeda bit like a badly shaved gibbon toThe Edge.Oh, and do you remember HairBear’s invisible motorcycle, read-ers?God, what a glorious job it must beto come up with cartoon capers forthe likes of The Hair Bear Bunch
as a ‘paid for’ monthly salary.
REMEMBER THESE GUYS, KIDS?
HAIR BEAR SQUARE BEAR BUBI BEAR MR PEEVLY BOTCH
QUOTE OF THE MONTH
“Am I the only Chelskifan who’d like to have
Rafa back?”
David ScarboroughMD of Aston Barclay Car Auctions
Springfield, Chelmsford.
Small Business or Sole Traderlooking for a virtual solution toyour business administrationand marketing needs?Need to find that extra hour inthe day?Find out how BES can make apositive impact and help yougrow your business.
Get in touch now:020 3432 0434
www.blossomsupport.co.uk
The Edge 207 8.1_The Edge 172.qxd 17/12/2013 14:07 Page 19
Page 20 The Edge 077 646 797 44
Killa Hurtz are not soulmates with KeyserSoze out of The Usual Suspects, but theyare, in fact, Chelmsford’s one and only FlatTrack Roller Derby team, writes Kelli Clark. So what the frick is Roller Derby when it’s athome? It is described as rugby on skates, only with-out a ball, even one of those odd shapedballs that rugby players use that don’tbounce properly. Think Rollerball (seventies movie) althoughminus the brutal battle to the death bit andyou won’t be far wide of the mark.The sport originated in the USA and has hada number of reincarnations from enduranceskating through WWE style dramatic stagedskate fighting to its current form that wasborn in the early 2000s. The sport gained global recognition after themovie Whip It starring and directed by DrewBarrymore. While the movie certainly helpedraise awareness of the sport outside of theUS, it is not entirely accurate. For instance,at one point in the movie, Drew Barrymorepunches an opponent in the face with norepercussions whatsoever. However, if truthbe known, that sort of behaviours would like-ly have you escorted from the building if ithappened in a real game of Roller Derby. In brief, Roller Derby is played on a flat ovaltrack. There are 2 teams of 5 players on thetrack at any one time, each with 1 jammer(the point scorer) and 4 blockers (mostlydefensive players). The blockers from eachteam make up ‘the pack’ who must sticktogether when skating around the track. The jammers start off behind the jammer lineand behind ‘the pack’. When the whistleblows, the pack set off and the jammersattempt to make their way through the packand out to the front whilst the blockers doanything they can to try and stop them. After the initial pass, the jammers then skatefast round the track to the back of the packand attempt to pass again, only this time thejammer scores a point for every oppositionplayer that she passes. The game is split into 2 minute gamesknown as ‘jams’ and lasts for an hour. With aline-up of 14 players on each team, playingon rotation, this is a full contact sport andplayers wear their bruises as a badge ofhonour!Let me introduce you to our team:Clark/Smash! Our fearless captain runs atight and terrifying ship. God help any victimon the end of one of her powerful hits. Justlike the Hulk, don’t make her angry!Space-Hop-Her, our beloved vice-captain. Ibeg you not to get between her and herdeadly notebook.The rest of the team are: Princess PrissyPants, one time figure skater who was dis-qualified from competition after she bit heropponent for cheating.Snarley-Quinn, who ran away with the circuswhen she was just 8 years old where shelearned the art of invisibility. She’s able tovanish whilst jamming and is literally impos-sible to stop.Rink Bad-Yin. A distant ancestor ofBraveheart, just watch what happens whensomeone comes between her and her free-dom.
Meleficent: An awfully nice girl ‘til the powersof evil corrupted her. Now the most lethalconcoction of hard hits and speed, last seencackling over a cauldron. Dolly Chops has the crushing power of aQueensland salt-water croc, so Joeleen wasin for quite a shock when she tried to takeher man.Miranda Hart-Less has her own evil chatshow. Contestants line up to be a part of theaction, but are never seen again. Ninja Spice was an original member of apopular 90’s girl group that can’t be namedfor legal reasons. Leppers. Legend has it that she once losthalf her head in a horrendous helicopteraccident - but it grew back. This girl cannotbe hurt!Kami-Kali Scarlet grew up in the Middle Ageswhere she had to fight for food and starvingwas not an option. She is now 726 years oldand appears each year to get younger.Inggsy has the killing instinct of a Malayantiger, the agility of a South East Asian gibbonand the legs of a Kenyan giraffe. This girl willtrample any rival in her way.Rakey Breaky Face, our secret lovechild ofBilly Rae Cyrus and Catwoman. Miley Cyruscurrently has a court order preventing Rakeyfrom approaching her whilst on skates.Cannot be trusted.Irn-Brutal. Doctors once discovered that herblood runs carbonated orange but no-onehas managed to break her skin since. Brutalby name, brutal by nature. Chaos Thor-E, the goddess of destruction.She is able to summon the forces of naturewhen she takes to the track.Iron Dan, our tenacious NSO (non skatingofficial) aka The Don. He is the oracle of allthings Derby and has NSO’d for both TeamEngland and Team USA. Beware his mightywhistle.Our plans are to recruit more skaters, moreNSO’s and more refs. NSO’s and refs can bemale or female and skaters need to be 100%female and all aged over 18. Good people of Chelmsford and surroundingareas, can you find a space for us in yourhall/barn/hearts (one midweek evening perweek) in exchange for good old fashionedEnglish Pounds? We have called probablyevery venue we can think of in our city andsurrounding areas, but as soon as we men-tion roller skates, we get completely shotdown. Truth is, we play on wheels suitablefor the floor surface we are playing on andcurrently skate at Riverside on a Sunday andNeil the dry-side manager will tell you thatwe are a lovely lot who never damage hisfloor! So please contact Clark/Smash if you canhelp us out at [email protected] www.killahurtzrollergirls.co.uk Otherwise, look out for us at any upcomingbouts and get on down and support us! You will be entertained in a way that youmay never have been before as we genuine-ly kick ass and in a recent tournament,despite being the ‘new kids on the block’ andnot at all fancied, ended up coming 4th outof 15 teams, with the top 3 being the threemost established teams in the country.Not bad, eh?
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The Edge 207 8.1_The Edge 172.qxd 17/12/2013 14:07 Page 20
Exam season is upon me once again. Naturally, one would assume that
I’d be getting worried about revision, whether I’m going to get it all done in
time, whether what I’m revising is going to be useful to me, and indeed
whether what I’m revising is actually being retained between my ears.
The thing is, what’s currently concerning me more than all that - even
though it really shouldn’t be - is whether or not I’m going to be able to get
a bloody seat in the library in order to get stuck into my revision. I never
imagined I’d get so worried about whether or not I’ll be able to park my
backside or not, but revising in my flat is a total non-starter. The library is
therefore the only way to get any proper work done, so getting a seat is
paramount.
However, certain cretinous persons, namely some of my fellow students
and those with the incomprehensible ability to wake up before 09:00am,
seem to be turning getting a seat in the library into a bit of a game. They
pride themselves on weaseling their way in there and taking all of the
available seats before I’ve even had the opportunity to take my ritualistic
morning dump, let alone have any breakfast and get packed for an ardu-
ous day’s revision.
I’ve tried to beat them to it.
I’ve attempted several
methods of early morning
entry into said library.
Firstly, skipping breakfast
entirely, yet the flaw with this
process is that it makes any
attempted revision futile as I’m
always incredibly hungry and
all I can think about is how
angry I am that I had to skip
my breakfast.
Secondly, moving my morning dump to the library (though not literally),
though this means I end up having to wipe my lovely soft bottom on really
rough, cheap toilet paper, which is just not how I’ve been brought up.
Thirdly, cycling to the library, although I only attempted this once and in so
doing I unfortunately got a puncture, which made me even later than if I’d
walked. I’m also yet to fix said puncture, which would be a waste of valu-
able revision time. (As you can see, I truly am a conscientious young man
indeed.)
Finally, and somewhat annoyingly, getting up earlier. However, when I
tried it, this just meant that I rewarded myself with a lie-in the following
day, which was entirely counter-productive to the learning I’d accom-
plished the previous day in a golden library seat of revision magnificence.
Out of these methods, clearly getting up earlier is the one to opt for. But in
so doing, I feel myself begrudgingly conforming with the stuffy attitudes of
the early morning riser brigade whilst turning myself into one of the people
I actually despise.
Naturally there’s always a rush to get into the library and grab any avail-
able seat, but why can’t students stick together and make that rush occur
at a sensible hour of the day (for instance, 10:00am)? By getting up earlier
I’m only agreeing to have ‘rush hour’ occur earlier in the day.
It’s all a case of weighing up whether I am happy to be despised by those
I claim to be a follower of (i.e. those who awaken at a reasonable hour) or
to continue to awaken at a reasonable hour and not get a seat at the
library, thus jeopardising my revision opportunities.
I’ve since decided that I’m simply going to have to throw away my cape of
non-conformist brilliance as these days I too weasel my way into the
library at such an ungodly hour of the morning, only to be surrounded by a
bunch of people I really cannot stand when I really should still be in bed.
Hmmmmmm. So does University prepare you for The University of
Life? Frankly, I wouldn’t know as I never went. But surely this young
man in particular is going to get the shock of his ever so young life
when he realises that the companies he eventually starts to apply to
for working opportunities mainly start their working days at the total-
ly “ungodly hour” of 09:00am.....much the same time as he currently
struggles to get to the University library for! E.E.
The Edge 01245 348256 Page 21
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Student LifeJames Wood is a local Chelmsford lad currently slogging his guts
out up at Edinburgh University. ‘Student Life’ is supposedly a thing
of folklore....but it’s not all party-party-party insists James.
Weasels waiting for the library to open
The Edge 207 8.1_The Edge 172.qxd 17/12/2013 14:12 Page 21
Knicker DrawerPaddy thought his new girlfriend might be ‘the
one’, but after looking through her knicker draw-
er and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids
outfit and a police woman's uniform, he finally
decided that if she can't hold down a job, she's
definitely not for him.
Scouse Convention54,000 Scousers meet at Anfield for a 'Scousers
Are Not Stupid' convention.
Steven Gerrard addresses the crowd: “We are
gathered here today to prove to the world that
Scousers are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer
please?”
Wayne Rooney gingerly makes his way through
the crowd and steps up onto the stage.
Gerrard asks him: “OK Wazza, what is 15 plus
15?”
After about 20 seconds of careful thought,
Rooney answers: “Forty.”
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. But
then the Scousers start chanting: “Give him
another chance! Give him another chance!”
So Gerrard says: “Well, since we have a capaci-
ty crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast
media here, I think we can give Wayne another
stab at it.”
So he asks him: “What is 5 plus 5?”
After nearly 30 seconds of intensely deep
thought, Wayne eventually says: “Twelve?”
Gerrard’s shoulders slump. He looks down at
his feet and lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone
is disheartened and Rooney starts crying.
But then all 54,000 Scousers begin yelling and
waving their arms in the air and shouting: “Give
him another chance! Give him another chance!”
So Gerrard, unsure whether he is now doing
more harm than good, eventually says: “OK,
OK, but this is your last chance, Wayne. What is
2 plus 2?”
Silence hangs over the stadium. Rooney closes
his eyes and beads of sweat form on his brow.
After a whole minute he eventually whispers,
“Four?”
Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadi-
um as the Scouse crowd to a man wave their
arms, stomp their feet and scream: “Give him
another chance! Give him another chance!”
VertigoPaddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy.
He nears the top of the ladder and starts shak-
ing and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy
and says, "I tink I will ’ave to go home. I've
come all over giddy and feel sick."
Murphy asks, "’Ave yer got vertigo?"
Paddy replies, "No, I only live around the
corner."
No More Headaches A woman returns home and says to her hus-
band, "You know all these headaches I've been
having for all of these years? Well, they're
gone." "What?” her husband says. “No more
headaches? How come? What happened?"
His wife replies, “Della referred me to a hypno-
tist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror,
stare at myself and repeat: “I do not have a
headache. I do not have a headache. I do not
have a headache.” Over and over again. And it’s
worked. My headaches are all gone."
Her husband replies, "Wow! That’s wonderful."
His wife says, "You know, honey, you haven't
exactly been a ball of fire in the bedroom your-
self these past few years. Why don't you go see
the hypnotist and see if there’s anything he can
do for you in that department?"
So her husband agrees to give it a try.
Next evening, following his appointment, her
husband comes home, rips off his wife’s clothes,
carries her upstairs into their bedroom, drops
her onto the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be
right back." With that, he rushes into the bath-
room before returning completely starkers a few
moments later, jumps on top of her and makes
mad, passionate love to his wife like never
before.
His wife eventually says, "Boy! That was won-
derful, honey."
Her husband says, "Don't move! I’ll be right
back." And with that he goes back into the
bathroom and returns for round two a few
moments later, only this time it’s even better
than before and his wife is absolutely flabber-
gasted. But her husband says once more,
"Don't move, honey. There’s more. I'll be right
back." And with that he disappears into the
bathroom, only this time his wife sneakily fol-
lows him, and there he’s stood, in front of the
bathroom mirror, repeating over and over: "She
is not my wife. She is not my wife. She is not
my wife."
TitanicAfter 100 years of lying on the sea bed, Irish
divers are amazed to find that the Titanic's
swimming pool is still full.
Y-e-e-e-e-h-a-a-a!A woman from New York was driving through a
remote part of Arizona when her car breaks
down. Fortunately for her an American Indian on
horseback comes along and offers her a ride to
the nearest town. So she climbs up behind him
on the horse and off they ride together.
The ride is pretty uneventful, except that every
few minutes the Indian lets out a “Ye-e-e-e-h-a-
a-a-a!” so loud that it echoes off the surrounding
hills and canyon walls.
When they eventually arrive in town, the Indian
drops her off at the local service station, before
yelling out one final “Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!” as he
rides off into the sunset.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?"
asks the service-station attendant.
"Nothing that I know of," the woman answers.
"I merely sat behind him on his horse, put my
arms around his waist and held on tight to the
saddle horn so that I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant says, "Indians don't use
saddles."
The CaretakerAt dawn the telephone rings.
"Hello, Señor Bob? This is Ernesto, the caretak-
er at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is
there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Bob,
that your parrot, it is dead."
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the
International competition?"
"Si, Señor. That is the one."
"Damn! That's a pity. I spent a small fortune on
that bird. What did he die of?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Bob."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten
meat?"
"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead
horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Bob."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Señor Bob. He died from all the work of
pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane, Ernesto? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about,
man?"
"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell
and the curtains caught light."
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion
is destroyed, all because of a candle?"
"Yes, Senor Bob."
"But there's electricity at the house. What was
the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Señor Bob."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!?!"
"Your wife's, Señor Bob. She showed up very
late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I
hit her with your new Ping G20 204g titanium
head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite
shaft."
Silence.
Long silence.
Very long silence.
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you are in
deep, deep shit, my man."
Test TalkText from daughter to Mum: Hello Mum. Need
sum advice. Have some of boyfriend’s cum
stuck in my hair. How do I get it out? Will I have
to cut hair?
Text from mum to daughter: No you won't. I've
had loads of cum in my hair over the years and
it will wash out.
Daughter back to mum: Sorry Mum. Bloody pre-
dictive text. I meant GUM.
Prostrate ExaminationAfter my prostate examination the doctor left.
Then the nurse came in looking a bit puzzled
and uttered the five words that no man ever
wants to hear: “Who the was that?”
Predictive TextBloody predictive text messages can be so
annoying. My ex obviously wanted to tell me
that she ‘loves me, misses me and wants me
back’. But instead, it came out as: “Stop stalking
me you psycho .”
Lost DogI found a dog in the park and on the collar it
said: ‘If lost please return to....’ and the address.
So I took it to the owners. But all they kept ask-
ing me was, “Where’s the feckin’ dog?”
Plumber’s VanWhen I saw the plumber’s van outside my
house I feared the worst, but thankfully he was
just banging the wife and there was no expen-
sive leak.
Stunner Next DoorThe stunner next door’s just been round, com-
plaining about items going missing from her
washing-line and threatening to call the police.
I almost shat her pants she was that angry.
FOOTNOTE: The Edge was shocked to read that diving sensa-
tion Tom Daley (19) has admitted to being homosexual.
The Edge thought he was older than that.
ONLYJOKING!
All jokes published are supplied by Edge readers. Please send your ‘egg yokes’ to [email protected]
****
****
The Edge 207 8.1_The Edge 172.qxd 17/12/2013 14:14 Page 22
[email protected] Page 23
Hi Edge,
The only thing that lets your otherwise excellent mag down is your ‘Jokes
Page’. Are you and your readers stuck in the 1970s as it looks like a
Bernard Manning/Jim Davidson collection of bigoted thick irish, fat mother-
in-law, slutty women gags. Don't you guys ever watch Micky Flanangan,
Sean Lock, Paul Chowdry, Josie Long or shows like ‘8 out of 10 Cats’,
‘Have I Got News For You’, ‘Never Mind The Buzzcocks’, ‘Was It Something
I Said’, ‘Live At The Apollo’ or ‘Stand Up For The Week’ to see really cre-
ative comedy? You've got to raise your game people.
Paul Wellings.
Hmmmmm. Well as you can imagine, readers, The Edge didn’t take too
kindly to such stinging criticism and pointed out to Paul that (a) you
readers send in ALL the jokes, and (b) was he suggesting I actually
tape-recorded the shows and then copied them to print, or what?
So then he sent me the below...
http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/theatredance/features/
the-50-best-jokes-from-the-edinburgh-fringe-898042.html
Or any of the stand-ups own sites like Jimmy Carr etc or even my modest
little book 'The Divine Comedians' available on Amazon http://www.ama-
zon.com/The-Divine-Comedians-Funniest-Stand-Up/dp/0954612167
So I typed in the very first option he gave me (from The Independent’s
website) only it said something about the page having a ‘redirect loop’
which completely stumped your editor, I can tell thee.
So to humour Paul, The Edge went onto a Jimmy Carr website (his 40
most memorable jokes, or something like that) and I honestly got to
joke number 9 before I found any of them remotely funny. Here goes:-
“I went up to one of those airport Information Desks and asked, “How
many airports are there in the world?”
But it’s not that funny, is it? It’s OK, but not ground-breaking.
Only I thought I’d better give Paul another crack at it, so here’s one
more:- “When you eat a lot of spicy food, like I did in Mexico, you can
lose your taste. I started listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.”
So what The Edge is saying is: WHAT THE FECK’S WRONG with
Bernard Manning jokes and stereotypical jokes about so called ‘thick’
Irishmen and blonde women and big fat mother-in-laws?
Sure, Mickey Flanagan’s alright (or Flanangan as you call him) with his
‘cockney walk’ and what have you. And I do like Sean Lock. But if
you’re trying to tell The Edge that Mike & Bernie Winters, or Charlie
Williams, or Stan Boardman, or Jim Bowen, or Frank Carson’s not
funny and that The Edge’s jokes are all ancient.....!!!
www.rightbutchworkmen.com
The Only Thing...
What is this ‘BREAKING BAD’ all about, eh?
A few people have recommended it to The Edge now, yet it has
never even seen a single second of an episode.
There’s some geezer called Walter White, apparently (is this ’im?),
who’s a struggling high school chemistry teacher who turns to a
life of crime.
IS THAT IT?!?!?!
The Edge 207 8.1_The Edge 172.qxd 17/12/2013 14:24 Page 23
Page 24 The Edge 01245 348256
TEA WARSThe Edge has written a bit about a cup of tea’s favourite accompaniment,
the biscuit, on page 27 this month (“a drink’s too wet without one”), but how
many of you remember those god-awful adverts for Typhoo tea featuring, of
all things, a bloody gnu?
Here’s how one of the songs went...
“I’m a Gnu, how do you do?
I’ve just moved into the house next door to you.
I’ve lost my Typhoo, so let me ask you,
Can I borrow some of that most refreshing brew?
The flavour’s so fine, every time,
I just can’t wait to tell those friends of mine...”
Tut! Naff, or what (even worse than The Edge’s Jokes Page)?
There have been advertisements in the past that have been pure genius,
such as the Cadbury’s Smash Martians, the Honda advert featuring the
bald-headed driver and all that they make, with the Andy Williams (it was
Andy Williams, wasn’t it?) backing track, and Cadbury’s yet again with the
Gorilla playing drums to a Phil Collins ditty for their chocolate.
However, the Typhoo gnu ad simply wasn’t one of them.
What do you think those advertising hotshots with their dickie-bows, flouncy
handkerchiefs and kinky spectacles said to each other when they had to
come up with a brand new campaign for Typhoo?
Could it have been something like: “Er, what actually rhymes with Typhoo?”
Whatever it was, they failed mis-
erably (a gnu for gawd’s sake).
They need to take a (tea) leaf out of
both PG Tips and Tetleys showreel
of quality ads.
Christ-on-a-bike, even Yorkshire Tea
can spank Typoo’s arse....and it
tastes pretty good too.
Can’t think what got me to thinking
about the Typhoo Gnu, mind you.
Perhaps it was a spot of cheese
eaten far too late at night?
EROTIC
Fantasy14 Broomfield Road, Chelmsford.
TEL. 01245 28 33 00
l,Licensed Sex Shop
1000’s of DVD’s from under £10
Largest range of Herbal Viagra in the area
All the latest Adult Toys in stock
Lingerie
PVC
Rubber
Everything (and MORE) for fun loving singles/couples
Open ’til 7:00pm
Just 1 minutes walk from both Chelmsford Bus & Rail stations
Established in Chelmsford for the past 20 years
Knowledgeable, discreet, friendly staff.
Call in forSOME TASTYNEW YEARDISCOUNTSthroughoutour store!
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Getting it right: PG Tips
and Tetleys Quick Brew
Those lovely fish-smelling folk at Loch Fyne
(you can never get it out of your hair, you
know...the smell of fish)
recently donated all of
their tips over a
3 day period
and raised...
...a really rather staggering £852.35
for Macmillan Cancer Support!
The Edge 207 8.1_The Edge 172.qxd 17/12/2013 14:25 Page 24
Relax, socialise & sip..
..take a break from the kids!
we make play time.. your time!• Enjoy fresh food, including snacks, lunches and cakes.• We serve cold refreshments, tea’s and of course ‘Koffee’.• Safe and secure soft play area to keep the kids busy.• An outside play and seating area for when the sun has got his hat on.
Stay Updatedtwitter. @kidsandkoffees facebook. KidsandKoffeeChelmsford
Former Brethrens’ Hall, Hall Street, Chelmsford, Essex CM2 0HG© Copyright 2013. Kids & Koffee Ltd. All rights reserved.
tel. 01245 259 225 email. [email protected]
kidsandkoffee.co.uk50p off entryBring this voucher with you and get 50p off per child on entry.- Offer only valid Monday - Friday.- Cannot be used in conjuction with any other offer.
[email protected] Page 25
We seem to have hit a bit of a brick wall as regards this particular feature, readers,
which is a shame. Although The Edge did receive the following from reader John
Crouch, so take it away, JC....
“Having read December’s ‘Shit Chelmsford’ I can only say that I totally
agree with The Edge’s comments. It seems as though some of our planners
like only brand new concrete constructions that are totally devoid of any real
character or interest.
On a recent trip to Lavenham, I noticed they still have the same old shop
fronts that used to be down Tindal Street in Chelmsford. One shopkeeper
said that people travel from miles around to see such a time gone by era.
Somehow I can't see people travelling for miles around to be attracted by
the wondrous ye olde world charm of Chelmsford High Street.
This all harks back to a time when Prince Charles said that some of today’s
developments are simply carbuncles, remember?
By the way, if any of your readers have any old photographs of Chelmsford,
I would be greatly interested to see them.
Not all architectural decisions have been steps forward by any standard.
Some are real eyesores. One only has to think of the new Salvation Army
building fiasco on Baddow Road/Parkway. Talk about trying to step bravely
forward and alter their image. A ball and crane’s what’s required there.
Anyway, keep up the good work and carry on waking people up to what’s
being done to our shitty city in it’s supposed march of progress.”
SHIT CHELMSFORD!
• Enjoy fresh food, including snacks, lunches and cakes.• We serve cold refreshments, tea’s and of course ‘Koffee’.• Safe and secure soft play area to keep the kids busy.• An outside play and seating area for when the sun has got his hat on.
S y ptwitter. @kidsandkoffees facebook. KidsandKoffeeChelmsford
Former Brethrens’ Hall, Hall Street, Chelmsford, Essex CM2 0HG© Copyright 2013. Kids & Koffee Ltd. All rights reserved.
tel. 01245 259 225 email. [email protected]
kidsandkoffee.co.uk50p off entryBring this voucher with you and get 50p off per child on entry.- Offer only valid Monday - Friday.- Cannot be used in conjuction with any other offer.
Sperm Bank Opens in ChelmsfordThe very first email I opened on Wednesday 4th December 2013, whilst I
was compiling this January 2014 edition of The Edge, was sent to me by
Lengthy-Boy Matthew Sadler and funnily enough the heading above was-
n’t written as the subject matter. No, Lengthy-Boy had entitled his email:
Thirty Five Quid To Knock One Out!
Apparently a Sperm Bank and Fertility Clinic has opened it’s doors at the
recently opened Baddow Hospital in West Hanningfield Road and bosses
are expecting, it says, to visit local Chelmsford bars and clubs hoping to
attract new (sperm - horrible word) donors.
The idea is the brainchild of the firm’s managing-director who intimated
that their intention will be to visit one or two local hotspots with a posse of
nubile young ladies in tow to hopefully encourage more people (although
The Edge thinks he means guys) to consider donating.
“We hope to become one of the largest sperm collection facilities in the
UK,” he said.
Along with sperm (eek), the centre will also offer services for egg dona-
tions (in boxes of 6 or 12) and surrogacy.
With a distinct shortage of sperm donors in the UK, the centre are keen to
address the problem by showing off their new set-up to all interested par-
ties, as well as explaining step-by-step exactly how the system works.
The first one is on Monday 20th January, so why nor start your week with
a bang, readers, and turn up all cocked and ready?
“We aim to take the seediness out of donating sperm,” says the MD,
“because after all, it is a totally amazing gift to make.”
Sperm donators are given £35 compensation per sample to help Get
Britain Back Working whilst egg donators (but not poached or hard boiled,
thank you very much) can get a one-off fee of £750.
Any questions, readers? Yes, you man. In the raincoat, right at the back?
“Can I stay there all day donating sperm and earn myself a cool £350?”
Erm, The Edge honestly doesn’t know the answer to that one (although
strongly suspects not), but suggests you contact the centre directly
instead on Chelmsford 241231 for succinct clarification.
The Edge very much doubts this Chinese SDC (sperm donating centre)
is in any way similar to the recently opened Great Baddow opperation...
...but one can but hope.
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OFF ENTRY
That’s right, just bring this voucher along
any Monday - Friday in January 2014
and you will receive 50p PER CHILD
OFF admission into Kids & Koffee!
This voucher cannot be used in conjunction
with any other Kids & Koffee
offer.
The Edge 207 8.1_The Edge 172.qxd 17/12/2013 14:47 Page 25
It’s January. The time of year when
we should all take stock of our lives
and make resolutions we have no
intention of keeping for more than a
couple of weeks, and make promis-
es to ourselves that we hardly ever
follow through on.
However, this year I’d like us all to
try something different.
Forget the gym. Don’t worry about
quitting smoking. Or promising
yourself you’ll look for a new job or
call your poor old Mum more than
once-a-month in future.
This year I’d like you to really look
at where you are and what you’re
doing and then ask yourself if
you’re actually enjoying life? Ask
yourself if what you’re doing actual-
ly makes you happy?
As I wrote a few months ago, happi-
ness is not a destination. It’s not
somewhere we can get to and then
settle down. In fact, a sure-fire way
to make ourselves unhappy is to
quixotically chase the nebulous
chimera of ‘happiness’, particularly
if we’re doing it via the medium of
buying useless stuff that we’ve all
convinced ourselves actually mat-
ters. However, that’s not to say we
shouldn’t be looking at ways to
make sure we’re not unhappy,
which is a different beast altogether.
Did you know that Gallup Polls over
the last few decades now put the
amount of people unhappy with
their job (which by extent pretty
much means their life) at 70%?
Just think about that for a second.
That’s well over half of the popula-
tion that’re unhappy doing the thing
they spend most of their time doing
than anything else, which is pro-
foundly depressing and just plain
wrong.
One in five of us go one step further
and actively hate our jobs, so why
the bloody hell are the vast majority
of us doing something that we really
don’t like for 40 odd hours a week?
Why are we resigning ourselves to
literally decades of drudgery, just so
we can finally retire and hopefully
spend our last 20 years (if we’re
exceedingly lucky) doing something
we might actually enjoy?
If you think this is a fair exchange
and not a fundamentally screwed
up way of living our lives, then
you’re wrong. You are so utterly and
totally wrong.
I’ll hazard a guess that a lot of you
reading this actually agree with me.
In fact, judging by the figures
above, I’d feel confident in saying
that the majority of you agree with
me. So why do we all just keep
plodding along doing the same old
things that we don’t enjoy doing and
resigning ourselves to it being an
acceptable way to live?
It’s at least partly psychological as
our brains are wired to prefer being
unhappy to being uncertain, mean-
ing we literally have a genetic dis-
position to carry on being miser-
able, rather than taking a risk and
trying to change it.
I’m going to risk sounding like the
new David Icke and state that I
think it’s also partly to do with
indoctrination. We’re all told from
day one that we need to work, that
we need to be successful, and we
need to achieve the nice house, the
nice car and top of the range white
goods, plus all the other bullshit that
we don’t really need. We’ve let our-
selves become convinced that life is
this big, important and serious thing
and it really isn’t. Or at least it
shouldn’t be.
Life should be fun or, in the end,
what’s the point?
We’re lucky enough to have this
amazing and beautiful world around
us, a huge place full of mystery and
wonder and a million and one
things to see and do, and we just
ignore it. We let it shrink around us
in order to sit in the same offices
day after day, before going to the
same pubs and restaurants night
after night.
Two weeks on a beach a year
shouldn’t cut it for any of us; we
should all want a lot more out of life
than that.
We’re only here once and we’re not
here for very long, so wasting our
years like we do is nothing short of
criminal.
If you’re genuinely OK with living
your life in monotonous drudgery for
decades and decades, just so you
can afford the latest iPad and have
a nice car, then you and I are seri-
ously at totally opposite ends of the
spectrum and there’s no way this
article has a cat in hell’s chance of
ever getting through to you.
I’m past believing and certainly past
caring that such is the accepted
way of life so the status-quo can
pucker up and smooch my (really
quite pert and lovely) little bottom.
Fact is, I just don’t hold with the
accepted wisdom that life is that
serious and important a thing any-
more. That’s just bullshit that conve-
niently makes all of us drones carry
on slogging away so we can buy all
the gimcrack knick-knackery that
lines everyone else’s pockets.
Life really isn’t about what you
have; it’s about what you do. It’s not
about how long you’re here for, but
what you do with your time whilst
you’re here.
I appreciate such sentiments may
sound trite, but I’ve come to believe
that what I’ve said is genuinely true
and I’m so convinced that I’m actu-
ally going to do something about it.
After months and months of plan-
ning and research already, I’m
about to take a complete U-turn and
just walk away from all of this drea-
ry bullshit that we put up with and
go and do something absolutely
awesome instead.
Will I be able to pull it off?
I have absolutely no idea.
Do I know what’s going to happen
from one day to the next?
Not a clue, and that’s an amazing
feeling to have after basically living
in a painfully stolid version of
‘Groundhog Day’ for oh so bloody
long.
But I refuse to waste any more
time, waste any more life, and run
the treadmill of careers and pen-
sions and savings plans. Instead,
my life is going to be about what’s
over the next horizon, about going
anywhere and trying anything for as
long as I possibly can.
Is it going to be hard?
Yes, of course it is, and I’ve already
had to make some significant
changes to the way I have lived my
life to date, not to mention some
considerable sacrifices. But making
any sort of significant change to
your life is always going to be hard.
Change, by its very nature, can be
destructive, but sometimes you
need to burn down what’s there
before you can start again, and if it
all works out, then hell, it’ll definitely
have been far more than worth it.
And if it doesn’t work out?
Then I’ll have tried.
Whatever happens, I’ll have broken
away from the normal paradigm and
chosen to risk being uncertain
rather than unhappy, and surely
making such a shift in perception is
a worthy goal on its own.
And if it does work out?
Then I could be doing literally any-
thing and my life could be heading
anywhere and that’s exactly what I
want. I could be bathing in rivers in
Mongolia, shaking spiders out of my
pants in the jungle, marrying a
beautiful girl in the desert, or literal-
ly legging it from the border in
Kazakhstan for having too much
whiskey in the boot of my truck!
My life will be about actually living,
not just existing, and to me, that’s
worth any sacrifices I might have to
make along the way.
I’ll be writing in more detail about
my plans and revealing all in next
month’s mag, so at least you’ll all
have been spared my usual brand
of inane bollocks for a whole two
months on the trot, and if I can
make just one of you seriously think
about what I’ve written and about
whether you’re really satisfied with
your lot, then I’ll be very happy
indeed.
You, the person reading this right
now, are a once-in-a-universe
occurrence. You’re the culmination
of a millennia of chance and cir-
cumstance coming together in
exactly the right order at exactly the
right time to even be alive here and
now. And when you look at it like
that, can you really say with a
straight face that you don’t owe it to
yourself, to the universe even, to
make as much of that life as you
possibly can?
I think we all do. More than that, I
think we deserve to.
THE LOST ART OF
LIVING
The Kingmeister reports
ME & MY adamantium
skeleton
Look Familiar?
Life should be more about this...
And definitely less of this!
Page 26 The Edge 01245 348256
...and less about this
The Edge 207 8.1_The Edge 172.qxd 17/12/2013 14:48 Page 26
It’s Thanksgiving Day as this monthly drivel-fest
is being penned. Although the Americans cele-
brate Christmas in the same way that we do in
the UK, with presents and a day off work, it’s
actually Thanksgiving Day that is the big family
occasion.
On the day before TD (which we’ll call it from
now on), the roads are jammed, the airports are
packed and the long distance trains sold out.
Everyone tries to get home for the holiday. In
this case, the word home is a variable. It isn’t
necessarily where you live, where you were
raised, or even where your parents are. No,
home in the context of TD is, I’ve come to
realise, wherever the family member with the
biggest house happens to be. So if your sister
lives in a mansion, for the one day, that’s home
for everyone, and the whole family descends on
the poor woman and she’s supposed to provide
festive vittles for parents, siblings, and associat-
ed spouses, offspring and hangers-on.
Just before TD, I was talking to a lady at work
who said she was going to have to cook for 20.
I jokingly said she should think of me on my
own with a tin of soup. She’d have swapped
places with me in an instant.
So it’s not unlike our Christmas then, with too
much food and an obligation to try and make
the day special and sociable for everyone. Even
though all you really want to do is get quietly
and gently sozzled and fall asleep in front of the
TV on your own.
The other noticeable thing about TD is that it’s
always on a Thursday - the last one in
November. Whoever came up with such a dumb
day is lost in the mists of time, but it does high-
light a few interesting differences between the
American approach to holidays and how we
view them in the UK.
Here in the US, taking a couple of extra days off
to stretch a weekend is considered a vacation -
probably the only one they will have for the
whole year, and it’s planned long in advance
and looked forward to as the big break from
work. Back in the UK, two weeks would be con-
sidered a pretty unexceptional time for a holiday.
The same attitude is true towards public holi-
days here. Although a great many people will
take the Friday after TD as one of their measly
allocation of PTO (Paid Time Off) days, they
would not consider themselves hard done by if
they had to go back to work on that day. The
same is true at Christmas. It’s only 25th
December that is a public holiday and everyone
is hard at it again on 26th.
One last thing. If someone were to ask you what
you understood by the term ‘Black Friday’, what
would be the response? You’d probably think it
was the day the stock market crashed, or some-
thing like that, because honestly, that’s what it
sounds like. But out here Black Friday has a
very specific meaning. It’s the day after TD. So
Black Friday is akin to our Boxing Day.
To make the likeness even more striking, just as
in the UK there are the famous Boxing Day
sales, so here in the US advertisements for the
Black Friday sales are all over the TV for weeks
beforehand.
In recent years the Boxing Day sales have start-
ed ever earlier, with some shops opening at
midnight on Christmas Night and the same is
happening here. A number of the big stores
have even said they will be open for their sales
at 10:00pm on TD.
Not everyone is happy with this, of course,
especially the poor buggers that work in those
retail emporiums. However, there’s no stopping
an idea whose time has come, and this one’s
here to stay. So don’t be surprised if you will
soon be able to buy a cheap TV at Curry’s on
Christmas evening instead of watching Only
Fools and Horses for the thirtieth time.
Why is it called Black Friday? Nobody really
knows, but the generally held theory is that
shops struggle along losing money for 11
months of the year, then in the four weeks after
TD, they finally move into the black. No, I agree,
it doesn’t sound very convincing, does it?
Anyway, that’s it from NYC for 2013. Here’s
hoping 2014 treats us well.
The Edge 077 646 797 44 Page 27
Biscuit Heaven
And on the eighth day, God created the
biscuit as an accompaniment to a
right refreshing brew, and He saw
that they were well worth spending the
extra day over, all reet.
Well, we all have our own particular
favourites, don’t we, readers....so far as
biscuit culture is concerned?
So what’s yours then?
A long time ago, when The Edge was a
portly young editor, aged just 11, he
remembers creating the calorific monster
that was ‘The Burger’.
This was actually two Rich Tea biscuits with
a Ginger Nut stuffed in between them and
only a very slight edge of it would fit into
your brew, so you’d nibble that bit away
before dunking the rest of it into your mug
of steaming tea to get it all nice and soggy.
H’heyyy, no wonder I was such a fat little
bastard, eh, readers?
But really, how cultured is a Rich Tea
biscuit? Not very, it has to be said.
Whereas the Digestive....now you’re talking!
The Digestive is often served in the upper
echelons of society, along with McVitie’s
HobNobs.
But if you favoured something light, what
about a Blue Riband....do you remember
those light, wafery things, readers?
Oh, and what about a Tunnock’s
Marshmallow biscuit in its distinctive red
and silver foil wrapper with the slightest
blob of jam at its epicentre? That is almost
a biscuit to self-flagellate over, is that.
Then there’s the dark destroyer; the
Bourbon. The ‘Shaft’ of the biscuit world.
And what about the Custard Cream? Where
would we be without the commonly Custard
Cream biscuit?
But if you’re looking for a couple of true
icons - the Marlon Brando and the James
Dean of the biscuit world, no less - then
how about Jaffa Cakes and Jammy
Dodgers?
The Edge was never much for Finger Nice
biccies, but a slice of Walkers Scottish
Shortbread on the other hand...
And could you ever watch an episode of
The Virginian, Bonanza or The Big Country
without wanting to unwrap a Wagon Wheel -
and always feeling mightily sick afterwards.
In a word (or three) Cadbury’s Chocolate
Fingers - yet another absolute classics.
Oh, and an orange flavoured Club biscuit -
the true icing on the cake!
Just to let you know though, this list does
not contain ‘Posh Biscuits’, the likes of
which.... Well, for instance, in The Edge
cupboard right at this very minute, waiting
for a rainy Sunday and a selection of DVD’s,
we have a downright sexy box of Thorntons
Ginger & Dark Chocolate Cookies.
“Oh my...” as that dozy mare out of Fifty
Shades would no doubt have gasped.
Hey....Fig (Roll) biscuits! I’ve just remem-
bered them, and they were good, weren’t
they? Though not much of a dunker.
Biscuits are a proper British fascination
though, are they not? Go on holiday and
you’ll always see some sad British sap
down the biscuit aisle complaining to
anyone who’ll listen that the foreign bloody
locals don’t stock packets of those flimsy
Pink Wafer things, which hardly classify as
biscuits at all.
THE EDGE’S ULTIMATE ‘TOP 10’
BISCUITS OF ALL TIME!
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
Milk Chocolate Digestive
KitKat
Shortbread
Digestive (without any chocci)
Milk Chocolate Hobnob
Ginger Nut
Jaffa Cake
Bourbon
Orange Club
Chocolate Fingers
BLACK FRIDAY
The Edge 207 8.1_The Edge 172.qxd 17/12/2013 14:50 Page 27
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StufAf
supn osudniFkoobeacf
g.rinotememorsup
k.uocg.
� � � �� �
� � � � � � � � � � � � � �� � � � � � � � � � �
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� � � � � � �� � � � � � � �
HalasanaThe Plow Pose.Reduces back ache and helps
send you off into a deep, restful
sleep, any time, any place.
The Bride Pose.Calms the brain and rejuvenates
the legs.
Provides a gentle massage
to the spine & belly organs.Good flatulation position also.
DRINKING & YOGA...same difference!
Marjaryasana
Setu BandhaSarvangasana
SavasanaThe Pose of total relaxation.Thus making it one of the most
challenging asanas, although the
student on the right seems to be
making rather light work of it.
BalasanaTotally restful.Unless you’ve lost your balance in
a bus shelter, that is.
*This right riveting article first appeared in the January 2010 editions of The Edge, only I didn’t
have a lot of time to put the January 2104 editions together, so here it is again!
The Edge 207 8.1_The Edge 172.qxd 17/12/2013 15:07 Page 28
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If you are facing a breakdown of your relationship, the things that you may
dread the most are how you can sort out the finances; the house; the chil-
dren. The thought of arguing and going to court is both frightening and
expensive. There is, however, another way.
Collaborative Family Law is a process where you and your spouse have
your own solicitor, but instead of being adversarial, you work together to
find the right solutions to your problems. You agree that you will not resort
to court proceedings and by having a series of meetings you can reach
agreement on all of the things that matter to you. These can be things that
the court can not help you with because of the way the traditional court
system operates.
You set the pace of the process, you set the agenda, and you make the
decisions. Your lives are not left in the hands of the courts or the judges.
At a time when the court system is becoming even more pressured due to
cut backs, the collaborative process can offer a far quicker resolution.
Many people are finding the collaborative process a better way to divorce
and come away feeling satisfied that they have aired their views and
reached an agreement that will work. Children have especially benefited
from their parents dealing with their divorce in a collaborative way as they
see their parents working together rather than arguing about them.
Collaborative Family lawyers are trained to deal with separation in the
collaborative way and are experienced family lawyers committed to
providing a professional service to their clients. Most collaborative lawyers
will offer a free chat about collaborative law to see if it would suit you.
For more information,
contact Teresa Foss on 01245 349696,
email: [email protected]
or visit www.thblegal.com.
A better way todivorce?
LIFE ON THE SMALLHOLDING January is far from a dormant month forour family on the smallholding as we arevery busy getting excited about new proj-ects and the next growing season, writesChelmsford’s answer to Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall, James Gardner.
The weather so far has been rather mild,but winter is far from over and with ourfuel supplies fast depleting, we arealready making preparations for winter2015 as it seems organisation is the single most important key to living acomfortable subsistence.
We are really happy with the progress wemade throughout 2013 and having forgedsome excellent new relationships withlocal farmers and food suppliers, particu-larly with Kerry and Martin at Rocket &Rhubarb, our local vegetable growers,we have been busy ploughing andpreparing our half acre veg plot ready fora new season of homegrown produce.
The major job with our vegetable plot isto install a rabbit fence to keep thosepesky bunnies away from our produceand we are also looking into a polytunnelto extend our growing season.
During last year we bred and acquired anexpanding collection of ducks and chick-ens that have provided us with all sizesof fresh eggs, even over the wintermonths.
Our two pigs, ‘Wallace & Gromit’, are set-tling in nicely, although it is a tad over-
whelming exactly how much a pig caneat on a daily basis. Fortunately the freefood supplies continue to roll in! We alsokeep them in fresh straw bedding toensure they have the best life possibleduring the harshest months.
Our New Year’s resolution as 21st centu-ry country smallholders is to make RiverFarm pay for itself, instead of us payingfor it. Indeed, huge numbers of small-holders, ourselves included, have tokeep their day jobs in order to makeends meet. We are now totally focusedon getting our licensed tea rooms andoutdoor events fully up and running forsummer 2014 so that we continue tobuild on such a promising start.
If you would like to get involved at RiverFarm, or are looking to book an event, orare simply curious and want to knowmore, please follow us on Facebook.Simply search for River Farm at TheGreen Man.
Oh, and may I take this opportunity towish all Edge readers a very Happy NewYear. We sincerely hope that 2014 bringsyou much health and happiness.
The Edge 207 8.1_The Edge 172.qxd 17/12/2013 15:12 Page 29
Page 30 [email protected]
Thankfully the dreaded C-word has
been and gone and we’ve no more
hashtag ‘Bear & Hare’ to contend
with, which by the end had me
wishing the bear would rip the
damned hare to shreds and give
us all a break. So yes, it’s safe to
peek your head up from behind the
settee once again as thankfully
Christmas is ALL OVER!
So now it's onwards and upwards,
as they say, although they said that
last year and the year before, did-
n’t they? But this year really is
going to be my year, I am
adamant. You see, I've had it in
mind for the past few years to
create my very own ‘Bucket List’.
No, I am not about to kick the
bucket (least I hope I’m not). It’s
just that I've been drifting for far
too long. My life has been all about
work, bills, shopping, housework
and weekends filled with nothing
more than X-Factor and Strictly....
but it's time to say “no more”! Life
is what you make of it, so it’s high
time to get up off my backside and
make it into something different.
I received a fair few emails
throughout 2013 from people
seemingly in precisely the same
boat to the one which I find myself
in, which has certainly got me
thinking. So I started making plans
a few weeks ago, because statis-
tics show the more people you tell
about your ideas, the more chance
you have of actually pulling it off.
So I told my best friend Jo and
managed to rope her in too, and
now I’m telling everyone who will
listen...including all of you!
Because it really is time to get out
there and start meeting new peo-
ple and having new experiences.
Time to have a year filled with fun
and new adventures and go off
and do things that I have never
done before. But they don't all
have to be expensive. In fact, I'm
keen to take advantage of numer-
ous ‘freebie events’ that I’ve simply
never bothered with in the past.
So with all of this in mind, I'm invit-
ing you all to join me! Well, you
didn't think I was planning to do it
all on my lonesome, did you? No
way! I'm not leaving you out!
Come on - surely you’re as bored
with watching TV as I am? So let's
start up a group of likeminded peo-
ple who can trade ideas and fun,
meet up for drinks regularly, on a
casual basis, in order to plan
events, and then go off and set our
worlds on fire and even fulfilling
some of our ‘Bucket List’ ideas as
we go. Hey, and I’m I'm even going
to try and rope in ‘His Nibs’ the edi-
tor - he just doesn't know it yet!
We were all once just simple, care-
free creatures, with hopes and
aspirations and dreams full of fun.
Once upon a time our weeks were
packed with stuff to look forward to,
long before extortionate electricity
bills and the likes of Simon Cowell
ruled the world. So to all those of
you who want to change your lives
and do things that are fun and
worthwhile, why wait any longer?
Now is the time!
Let this be the year where we all
recreate some of the fun we all
once used to have in the past
(remember good, innocent, frivo-
lous fun?). It really doesn't matter
whether you’re male or female, or
what your age, creed, colour, abili-
ties or disabilities happen to be.
Everyone is welcome and will be
an important member of the group.
All that matters is that we share a
common notion, a common goal,
and that is to actively want to have
fun, to want to change our lives, to
physically want to get up off the
sofa and fulfill some of the things
we have previously only ever
dreamt about.
Forget about Facebook and
become real friends with real peo-
ple and share real experiences -
not virtual ones on internet forums.
Forget about all of that nonsense
because it only leads to stagnation.
So what's the next step? Simply
take out your ’phone and get in
touch. Yes, you there, STOP read-
ing The Edge and stuffing your
face full of panini in Costa and mail
me right now instead!
It really is that simple, so do it right
away to [email protected] and
who knows, this time next month
we could all be reading this column
and laughing out loud (LOL) as I
recount some of the adventures
we’ve all gotten up to.
Let’s make 2014 one hell of an
amazing year. Call me now!
TOTALLY TRACIE� � �
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OF 2014
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