DREGZ I'LL TAKE DREGZ FOR A HUNDRED, ALEX EPISODE 3 ... · doily remain at the doorway in an...
Transcript of DREGZ I'LL TAKE DREGZ FOR A HUNDRED, ALEX EPISODE 3 ... · doily remain at the doorway in an...
DREGZ
"I'LL TAKE DREGZ FOR A HUNDRED, ALEX"
EPISODE 3
Written by
Chris Bodean
WGAW REG# [email protected] (213) 309-6479
DREGZ“I’LL TAKE DREGZ FOR A HUNDRED, ALEX”
EPISODE 3
FADE IN:
BLACKSCREEN
TITLE: dregs (dregz) pl n. 1 particles settling at the bottom in a liquid 2 the most worthless part
FADE TO:
TITLE: the dregz of humanity pl n. 1 a group of people in society who are considered to be immoral and of no value
FADE OUT.
Copyright (c)2012 This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.
TEASER
INT. BOBBY’S APT. - NIGHT
BOBBY SMALLS IS SITTING CROSS-LEGGED AND BAREFOOT ON THE COUCH. BUZZ THE CAT IS LYING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE COUCH. RILEY WATTS IS SITTING IN THE EASY CHAIR WITH A BOTTLE OF CHEAP WINE. A BONG, A TV GUIDE, AND A COUPLE OF PIZZA BOXES AND OTHER TRASH SITS ON THE COFFEE TABLE. THEY’RE ALL WATCHING TV.
CUT TO:
TELEVISION
THE NEWS IS ON AND FRED FALLAS IS REPORTING.
FRED
..unfortunately the pit bull had to be
put down and the man’s genitals were
lost forever.(FRED SQUIRMS)
In other news, police raided a
downtown warehouse yesterday that had
reportedly contained about a hundred
bales of marijuana only to discover
that the bales had already been
removed. The only clues found at the
scene were some long strands of human
hair and pieces of orange cat hair.
2.
(MORE)
(PAUSE)
We’ll have more news after this.
CUT TO:
ROOM
THERE’S A FEEBLE KNOCK ON THE DOOR. BOBBY AND RILEY ARE OBLIVIOUS TO IT. THERE’S ANOTHER KNOCK. RILEY TURNS TO BOBBY.
RILEY(drunkenly)
Duz’ya wan’ me ta gettit?
BOBBY
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
BUZZ (V.O.)(thinking)
Well I sure as hell ain’t getting it.
And Major Gone South here is obviously
Lost in Space again.
RILEY STRUGGLES TO GET UP AND STAGGERS TO THE DOOR. WHEN HE GETS THERE, HE PLACES A FINGER ON A NOSTRIL AND BLOWS A STREAM OF MUCUS ONTO THE FLOOR. HE WIPES HIS NOSE ON HIS SLEEVE AND THEN OPENS THE DOOR.
MRS. DOILY (80’S, CAUCASIAN, LITTLE OLD LADY) IS STANDING THERE HOLDING A COFFEE MUG.
RILEY
Hi’ya missaz Doily! Z’ya wanna drink?
RILEY PROFFERS THE BOTTLE THEN BURPS IN MRS. DOILY’S FACE.
MRS. DOILY JUST WAVES AT THE AIR AND LAUGHS.
MRS. DOILY
Oh my no, no thank you Riley. I was
just wondering if I could borrow
another cup of oregano from Bobby.
3.
FRED (CONT'D)
BOBBY(comes out of his daze)
Huh!? What!? Me!? Oh yeah, yeah sure
Mrs. Doily. Hey, how’ya doin’ by the
way? How’s that rheumatism doin’?
MRS. DOILY
Oh my, you know it’s been much better
lately. (GIGGLE) Ironically, ever
since I started cooking with your
oregano.
BOBBY
Awesome! I’m glad’ta hear that.
BOBBY GETS CUP FROM MRS. DOILY AND EXITS INTO THE BEDROOM.
RILEY AND MRS. DOILY REMAIN AT THE DOORWAY IN AN AWKWARD SILENCE. RILEY STARTS HUMMING A SONG AND MRS. DOILY JOINS IN.
RILEY STARTS SINGING JOHNNY MATHIS’ “CHANCES ARE” AND MRS. DOILY HAS JOINED HIM WHEN BOBBY REENTERS WITH THE CUP FULL OF WHAT LOOKS LIKE OREGANO. THEY ABRUPTLY STOP SINGING.
BOBBY APPROACHES MRS. DOILY WHILE RILEY STAGGERS BACK TO HIS CHAIR.
BOBBY (CONT’D)
Here ya go Mrs. Doily. Now don’t go
usin’ it all in one dish, okay?
MRS. DOILY
Oh I won’t. (GIGGLE) Thank you Bobby.
You’re a dear.
MRS. DOILY IS HEARD SINGING “CHANCES ARE” AS BOBBY IS CLOSING THE DOOR. HE THEN RETURNS TO HIS SPOT ON THE COUCH.
4.
RILEY
Mighty nice lady, that missuz Doily.
Z’ya think she’d go out with me?
BUZZ (V.O.)
Oh sure. Dating you couldn’t be any
worse than taking care of all those
mangy cats she has.
BOBBY
I dunno dude. You’d hav‘ta clean
ya’self up a bit, ya know? Maybe
get’cha self some new clothes.
RILEY
Yah, your right. It’d be too much
trouble. I’m better off stickin’ to
jerkin’ off.
BUZZ (V.O.)
The whole world is better off, old
man. There’s enough Riley Wattses
bumming around already.
RILEY
She sure has been happy lately. (BEAT)
Hey, sinz when do ya keep ya ‘regno in
the bet’room?
BOBBY
Oh, I don’t. I keep all those bales of
weed in there. I been givin’ her
shake.
5.
BUZZ (V.O.)
No wonder why the woman has been so
happy. She’s stoned right out of her
orthopedic shoes.
RILEY(thinks)
Huh. (BEAT) Maybe I will ask her out.
BOBBY
What the hell? She’s probally high
enough to think you look like George
Clooney or somethin’.
BUZZ (V.O.)
I was going to say Jack Black but what
do I know?
FADE OUT.
END TEASER
6.
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
INT. BOBBY’S APT. - DAY
BOBBY IS SITTING ON THE COUCH SMOKING A JOINT. LUIS SANTOS IS ON THE OTHER END SMOKING A CIGARETTE. BUZZ IS LYING BETWEEN THEM AND RILEY IS IN THE EASY CHAIR DRINKING FROM A BOTTLE OF CHEAP WHISKEY. THEY ARE ALL STARING AT THE TV.
BOBBY(displeased by the cigarette smoke)
So Luis, when’d you start smokin’
cigarettes dude? Them things fuckin’
stink!
SANTOS
Sorry bro. Got hooked on ‘em durin’ my
last bit in county. They helped kill
time, ya know?
BUZZ (V.O.)
You mean you weren’t getting gang-
raped all the time?
BOBBY
Well you need to quit man. I don’t
want Buzz breathin’ in that shit!
BOBBY TAKES A HIT OF HIS JOINT AND BLOWS A GIANT PLUME OF SMOKE SKYWARD.
THERE’S A KNOCK ON THE DOOR. IT OPENS AND SHAREENA JACKSONENTERS HOLDING AN ENVELOPE. SHE CLOSES THE DOOR AND WALKS UP BEHIND THE COUCH.
SHAREENA
Hi Bobby! Hi Riley! Hi Shitbag! Hi
Buzz!
7.
SANTOS
Damn Shareena! Why ya gotta be so
fuckin’ nasty to me all the time?
SHAREENA
Oh give me a break Santos! You say
nasty shit to me all the time.
SANTOS
You’re crazy! I never say nasty shit
to you.
SHAREENA
Here Bobby.
SHAREENA HANDS THE ENVELOPE TO BOBBY. HE LOOKS AT IT, TEARS IT OPEN, PULLS OUT A LETTER, AND STARTS READING IT.
SHAREENA (CONT’D)
It was in my box by mistake.
SANTOS
Oh come on Shareena!! You’re makin’ it
way too easy for me!
SHAREENA SMACKS SANTOS UPSIDE THE HEAD.
SANTOS (CONT’D)
Hey! Watch the hair, bitch!
SHAREENA
So Bobby. Who’s the letter from?
BOBBY
Oh wait ‘til ya hear this! I took the
test to be on Jeopardy a bunch of
years ago and they just informed me
that I won a spot on the show.
8.
SANTOS LAUGHS LOUDLY. SHAREENA GIGGLES BEHIND HER HAND. RILEY CHUCKLES, COUGHS, AND THROWS UP A LITTLE DOWN THE FRONT OF HIS SHIRT.
SANTOS
Oh shit!! That’s funny dude! You on
Jeopardy.
BUZZ (V.O.)
I’ll say. That’s like Riley going on
Dancing with the Stars.
RILEY BURPS AND THROWS UP A LITTLE MORE.
SHAREENA
Ahh, Bobby? Any chance you took that
test before your surfing accident.
BOBBY
Yeah, how’d ya know?
SHAREENA
Oh, just a hunch.
BOBBY
Well I don’t care what you guys think.
I’m goin’ on the show.
SANTOS
I don’ know if that’s such a good idea
Bobby. Remember what happened that
time you entered that charity walk-a-
thon?
BOBBY
Well yeah, but that event wasn’t fair
to me.
9.
SHAREENA
Why? What happened?
SANTOS
Bobby couldn’t help but stop at all
the dispensaries along the route. By
the fifth one, he was so stoned, he
started walking the wrong way and
didn’t realize it ‘til he got back to
the starting line.
BOBBY
Yeah, and I would’ve turned around and
restarted but they disqualified me for
bein’ under the influence.
SANTOS
What did you expect? The charity was
to fight drug abuse.
BOBBY
Well this time is gonna be different.
You’ll see.
CUT TO:
INT. JEOPARDY SET - SHOWTIME
ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
Welcome..to..Jeopardy!!! Our returning
champion is a professor at Harvard
University. Say hello to Irwin Dangle!
10.
(MORE)
(40’s, African-American)(APPLAUSE)
Our first competitor is a student of
Agriculture from Chanute, Kansas.
Please welcome Joe Dullard! (20’s,
Caucasian)(APPLAUSE)
And finally we have a former semi-pro
surfer from Hollywood, California
who..(READS QUESTIONINGLY)
..now spends his time getting high and
watching TV? Ah..please welcome Bobby
Smalls.(WEAK APPLAUSE)
Now here’s your host..Alex..Trebek!!(MAJOR APPLAUSE)
ALEX
Welcome everyone. Let’s get started
right away. Our first category is
Prehistoric Man, next is Quantum
Physics, then we have Countries of the
World, U.S. Presidents, Astronomy, and
finally, Animals of the Serengeti.
Irwin, the choice is yours.
CUT TO:
AUDIENCE
WE SEE THE GANGS SECTION. RILEY HAS A BOTTLE IN A PAPER BAG AS DOES SANTOS WITH HIS CAN OF FOUR LOCO. SHAREENA KEEPS TAKING DRINKS FROM BOTH. RILEY IS ALSO HOLDING A GIANT FOAM FINGER AND SHAREENA HAS A “BOBBY” BANNER ON A STICK.
11.
ANNOUNCER (O.S.) (CONT'D)
THE AUDIENCE MEMBERS SITTING AROUND THEM FREQUENTLY SHOW THEIR DISAPPROVAL OF THE GANGS BEHAVIOR.
SANTOS(yelling)
C’mon Bobby!!! Show these punks how to
play this game!!
SHAREENA(also yelling)
Yahh Bobby!!! Fuck these bitches up!!
RILEY(trying to yell)
Yah Bobby! Kick some..ulp..ulp..
RILEY LEANS FORWARD AND VOMITS ALL OVER THE GUY SITTING IN FRONT OF HIM. HE THEN TAKES THE FOAM FINGER AND PUTS IT ON THE GUYS HEAD.
RILEY (CONT’D)(to guy)
Sorry ‘bout that. Here. Wear this. No
one will ever know you got barfed on.
GUY TAKES OFF AND THROWS THE FINGER.
BACK TO:
STAGE
THE GAME IS IN PROGRESS.
IRWIN
I’ll take Prehistoric Man for four
hundred, Alex.
ALEX
They were the first early modern
humans. Joe, you buzzed first.
JOE
Ah, what are cavemen?
12.
ALEX
No. Sorry. We need more than that.
Bobby?
BOBBY
Who are the Flintstones?
CUT TO:
BOBBY’S APT.
BUZZ IS SITTING ON THE COUCH WATCHING THE SHOW LIVE.
BUZZ (V.O.)
This pinhead hasn’t got a crack rock’s
chance in a detox.
BACK TO:
JEOPARDY - STAGE
THE GAME CONTINUES.
ALEX
Ah, no, sorry Bobby. Irwin?
IRWIN
Who were the Cro-Magnons?
ALEX
That’s correct. Next category please.
IRWIN
I’ll take Astronomy for six hundred.
ALEX
This galaxy is also a candy bar. Joe?
JOE
What is Snickers?
13.
ALEX
No. Sorry. Bobby?
BOBBY
What are Snickers with Almonds?
ALEX
No. Irwin?
IRWIN
What is the Milky Way?
ALEX
That’s correct. Your choice.
IRWIN
How about Quantum Physics for two
hundred.
ALEX
He formulated the equation, E=mc2.
Joe?
JOE
Who is Bill Nye the Science Guy?
ALEX
Noo. Bobby?
BOBBY
Who is Phinnias J. Whoopie?
ALEX
Not even close. Irwin?
IRWIN
Who is Albert Einstein?
14.
ALEX
Right again Irwin. Your category.
CUT TO:
AUDIENCE
RILEY IS PASSED OUT AND HAS THE “BOBBY” BANNER STUCK IN HIS HATBAND NOW. SHAREENA HAS FINISHED RILEY’S BOTTLE AND DOING THE SAME TO THE CAN OF FOUR LOCO. SANTOS WATCHES HER AND SHAKES HIS HEAD.
SANTOS
Damn girl! You drink more than I do.
SHAREENA
Well if you had’ta lookit you like I
hav’ta, you’d drink a lot too.
(LAUGHS)
SANTOS
Hey Riley! Wake up! My can runneth
empty. What else d’ya bring?
RILEY AWAKENS AND OPENS UP HIS COAT TO REVEAL FOUR INSIDE POCKETS HOLDING A BOTTLE IN EACH.
SANTOS (CONT’D)
That’s quite the selection. What would
you recommend, my good man?
RILEY
For a show sus’saz this ‘un, I’d
recommen’ the Wild Irish Rose.
SANTOS
Then Wild Eye it will be.
RILEY ATTEMPTS TO HAND THE BOTTLE TO SANTOS BUT SHAREENA INTERCEPTS AND STARTS GUZZLING FROM IT. SANTOS GRABS IT AWAY FROM HER.
15.
SANTOS (CONT’D)
Whoa! That’s enough ya fuckin’ lush!
SHAREENA
No iz s’not. I may be ugly right now,
but you’ll still be a jackass in the
morning.(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)
Go Bobby!! Whoo-Whoo-Whoo!!!
BACK TO:
STAGE
THE GAME CONTINUES.
IRWIN
I’ll take Countries of the World for
six hundred, Alex.
ALEX
This country is considered by some to
be America’s biggest threat. Joe.
JOE
What is Canada?
ALEX
Wrong again. Bobby.
BOBBY
What is China?
ALEX
Negative. Irwin.
IRWIN
What is Afghanistan?
16.
ALEX
No. Sorry. You were all wrong. The
correct answer was, What is Mexico?
Mexico. Irwin the choice is still
yours.
CUT TO:
BOBBY’S APT.
BUZZ HAS GOT A PARTY GOING IN FULL SWING. CATS ARE ALL OVER THE PLACE, CHASING EACH OTHER AROUND, SITTING WITH THEIR HEADS STUCK IN CANS OF CATNIP, RAIDING THE REFRIGERATOR.
SOME HAVE HATS, SOME WITH SUNGLASSES, ONE SPINNING AROUND ON THE PHONOGRAPH, ETC.
BUZZ IS SITTING ON THE COUCH CHATTING UP A FEMALE CAT.
BUZZ (V.O.)
Come on baby. I swear I’ll pull it out
this time.
FEMALE CAT (V.O.)
Yah, that’s what ya said last time and
then I got stuck taken care of eight
friggin’ kids!
BACK TO:
JEOPARDY - STAGE
THE GAME HAS PROGRESSED TO NEAR THE END OF THE FIRST ROUND. IRWIN HAS ALMOST $20,000. BOTH BOBBY AND JOE ARE IN THE NEGATIVE.
IRWIN
I’ll take U.S. Presidents for a
thousand, Alex.
17.
ALEX
He was the first president of the
United States. Joe.
JOE
Who was George Washington..Carver?
ALEX
No. Sorry. You were so close. Bobby?
BOBBY
Ah..Who was Denzel Washington?
ALEX
Wrong again Bobby. Irwin!
IRWIN
Who was George Washington?
ALEX
That’s correct and the final clue for
the first round is..These animals are
sometimes referred to as “horses in
striped pajamas”. Joe.
JOE
Who was Mr. Ed?
ALEX
Sorry Joe, that’s incorrect. Bobby?
BOBBY
Yeah! Mr. Ed. I remember that episode!
ALEX
No Bobby. I’ve already said that’s
incorrect. Irwin!
18.
IRWIN
What are zebras, Alex?
ALEX
That’s correct and you..
BOBBY(interrupting)
Aw, this is total fuckin’ bullshit!!
I’m takin’ a break!
BOBBY STORMS OFF THE STAGE.
ALEX
That’s a good idea Bobby. I think
we’ll all take a break and when we
come back, we’ll talk to the
contestants before moving on to round
two of this circus.
ALEX FLINGS SOME SHEETS OF PAPER INTO THE AIR AS HE TURNS AND WALKS AWAY FROM THE PODIUM MEANWHILE FORGETTING THAT HIS MIKE IS STILL ON.
ALEX (CONT’D)
Where did they get these idiots? Damn,
I need a drink.
CUT TO:
AUDIENCE
RILEY’S PASSED OUT AGAIN WITH HIS HAND DOWN HIS PANTS. SHAREENA’S PASSED OUT AND LEANING ON RILEY. SANTOS IS POLISHING OFF THE WILD IRISH ROSE.
SANTOS
Hey yo! Wake the fuck up you guys!
Bobby’s gettin’ smoked and I don’ mean
in a good way.
19.
RILEY AND SHAREENA START TO STIR.
SHAREENA
Zmack ya’self Santos. I’m too drunk to
do it.
SANTOS STARTS HEADING DOWN THE STAIRS AS RILEY IS HELPING SHAREENA GET UP.
CUT TO:
BACKSTAGE
BOBBY IS PACING BACK AND FORTH VISIBLY UPSET. THERE IS AN EXIT DOOR BEHIND HIM.
THE GANG APPROACHES, SANTOS GETTING TO BOBBY FIRST FOLLOWED BY A HEAVILY STAGGERING RILEY WITH SHAREENA ON HIS BACK BEING PRACTICALLY DRAGGED ACROSS THE FLOOR. RILEY DUMPS SHAREENA AND THEN COLLAPSES TO THE FLOOR HIMSELF.
SANTOS
Yo bro. Game ain’t goin’ so good, huh?
BOBBY
Nah man. Pretty fuckin’ far from it!
SANTOS
Well chill out homes! Uncle Luis has
somethin’ that’ll make the secon’
round go much better!
BOBBY
Yah? What’s that?
SANTOS PULLS AN OVERSIZED BLUNT OUT OF HIS POCKET AND RUNS IT UNDER BOBBY’S NOSE. BOBBY’S PISSED OFF LOOK SLOWLY TURNS TO A BIG SMILE.
BOBBY (CONT’D)
Let’s blaze amigo!
THE TWO GO OUT THE EXIT DOOR.
FADE OUT.
20.
END ACT ONE
21.
ACT TWO
FADE IN:
INT. JEOPARDY SET - SECOND ROUND
IRWIN IS STILL STANDING AT HIS PODIUM AS HE NEVER LEFT DURING THE BREAK. JOE APPEARS TO HAVE HAD A FEW BEERS AND IS SWAYING BEHIND HIS PODIUM. BOBBY IS FACE DOWN ON HIS PODIUM. HE SLOWLY RISES LOOKING FIRST DAZED THEN BREAKING INTO A BIG GRIN FOLLOWED BY HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER.
CUT TO:
SANTOS IS SITTING ALONE IN THE AUDIENCE DRINKING FROM A BOTTLE OF THUNDERBIRD WHICH HE GRABBED OUT OF RILEY’S COAT. RILEY AND SHAREENA ARE BOTH STILL PASSED OUT BACKSTAGE.
CUT TO:
ALEX ARRIVES LATE WITH HIS SHIRT COLLAR AND TIE LOOSENED. HE’S HOLDING A GLASS OF CLEAR LIQUID AND HE APPEARS TO HAVE HAD A DRINK OR TWO DURING THE BREAK. HE WALKS A LITTLE UNSTEADILY OVER TO BOBBY.
ALEX
Okay! Welcome back! Before we go on to
round two, I’d like to talk to the
contestants a little. Bobby. It says
here that you have an interesting
weather balloon story.
BOBBY(paranoid)
Huh? Who told you that? What’s goin’
on here? Are you a cop? This is one of
those stings, isn’t it? Yeah, I seen
this on COPS. You’ll never take me
alive, cocksuckers!!
22.
ALEX
Bobby, calm down. You’re on Jeopardy,
remember? I’m Alex Trebek?
BOBBY(switching gears)
(LAUGHS) Alice Treebark?! (HYSTERICAL
LAUGHTER) That’s a fuckin’ riot!!
(SERIOUS NOW) Aw shit! I pissed
myself.
ALEX
Yeah that’s too bad. So anyway, how
about that weather balloon story?
BOBBY
Oh yeah. (LAUGHING AGAIN) We tied some
weather balloons to my buddy’s little
brothers car seat..(LAUGHING
HARDER)..while the kid was sleeping in
it. Then we let it go. (HYSTERICAL
LAUGHING)
ALEX
I’m sorry Bobby. I may be a little
buzzed but I still don’t see the humor
in that. Was the kid okay when you got
him down?
BOBBY(serious)
Got him down?
23.
ALEX
The hell with this. Let’s get back to
the game.
ALEX SUCKS DOWN WHATEVER WAS IN HIS GLASS ON THE WAY BACK TO HIS PODIUM AND THEN HURLS THE EMPTY GLASS AT THE BACK WALL. THE GLASS GOES RIGHT THROUGH THE SCENERY LEAVING A LARGE HOLE.
ALEX (CONT’D)
Shit! I’ll probably have to pay for
that. Alright! Let’s get this thing
over with. Our categories for this
round are, Television, 70’s Rock
Bands, Surfing, World News, Pop
Culture, and Philosophy. The dollar
values are doubled and Irwin, I
believe it’s your call.
CUT TO:
AUDIENCE
SANTOS IS STILL SITTING ALONE AND DRINKING AS RILEY AND SHAREENA ARE HELPING EACH OTHER LUMBER UP THE STAIRS. THEY TRIP AND FALL THEIR WAY PAST SANTOS TO THEIR SEATS. RILEY IMMEDIATELY CRACKS ANOTHER BOTTLE.
SHAREENA
Wha’s happenin’? How bad is he doin’?
SANTOS
Pretty bad but the secon’ roun’s jus’
startin’ and check out those
categories.
SHAREENA(squinting)
Oh shit!
24.
(MORE)
Bobby’s an egspert at that shit!
(YELLS) come on Bobby!! S’time to kick
ass!! Whoo-Whoo!!
CUT TO:
STAGE
BOBBY HEARS HIS NAME AND IS TURNING AROUND TRYING TO LOCATE WHERE IT CAME FROM. HE STOPS TURNING AND JUST SMILES STUPIDLY AND WAVES TO THE AUDIENCE.
IRWIN
Let’s try Philosophy for two hundred.
ALEX
This Grecian was considered to be a
founding father of Western philosophy.
Irwin?
IRWIN
Who was DesCartes?
ALEX
That’s (BEAT) wrong? Okay. Joe.
JOE
Who was John Wayne?
ALEX
Hell no! Bobby?
BOBBY
Who was Socrates?
ALEX
That’s right. Holy shit. Okay, Bobby.
Choose a category.
25.
SHAREENA (CONT'D)
BOBBY
Ah, how ‘bout Surfin’ for two hundred?
ALEX
He was crowned the ASP Champion a
record eleven times. Joe.
JOE
Who was Johnny Utah?
ALEX
Oh for cry-sake! No. Irwin.
IRWIN
Are you serious? Surfing?
ALEX
Buckle up, Irwin. I’ve a feeling
you’re in for a bumpy ride. Bobby?
BOBBY
Who was Kelly Slater?
ALEX
Right again! Looks like someone did
some studying during the break. Bobby,
it’s your choice.
BOBBY
I’ll take Television for four hundred.
ALEX
He played Lumpy on Leave it to Beaver.
Irwin.
26.
IRWIN
Are you fuck..I mean come on Alex!
Where are the normal categories?
ALEX
Life’s a bitch sometimes, Irwin. Joe.
JOE
I think I did.
ALEX
That’s not in the form of a question,
Joe.
JOE
Ah..Who am I?
ALEX
I’m not sure but anyway, you’re wrong.
Bobby!
BOBBY
Who was Frank Bank?
ALEX
Incredible! Right again! Next category
Bobby.
CUT TO:
AUDIENCE
SANTOS STANDS UP ON HIS SEAT AND STARTS YELLING AND CHEERING. SHAREENA JOINS HIM. RILEY STRUGGLES TO MAINTAIN HIS BALANCE WHILE TRYING TO STAND ON HIS SEAT.
HE STANDS MOMENTARILY BUT LOSES HIS BALANCE AND TOPPLES BACKWARDS OVER HIS SEATBACK ONTO THE PEOPLE SEATED BEHIND HIM. THEY PUSH HIM BACK INTO HIS SEAT WHILE SHAREENA AND SANTOS ALSO SIT BACK DOWN.
27.
SHAREENA
I can’t believe how much better
Bobby’s doin’.
SANTOS
Yeah well I wouldn’t get too psyched
up yet. You know how Bobby has a habit
of fuckin’ things up.
SHAREENA
Nah. Not this time. Not my Bobby. I
just know he’s gonna win this.
SANTOS
Oh yeah? Care to put a bet on it?
SHAREENA
What kinda bet?
SANTOS
If Bobby wins, I promise to never hit
on you or make anymore nasty comments
ever again.
SHAREENA
Ooh! That sounds damn good. But what
if he happens to lose?
SANTOS(smiling)
You gotta go out on a date with me.
SHAREENA
Oh fuck that!!!
28.
SANTOS
Okay. I guess you don’t believe in
your Bobby then, huh?
SHAREENA(thinks)
Alright slime. I’ll take your bet. I’m
gonna enjoy shuttin’ your piehole!
SANTOS
Oh yeah? I’m gonna enjoy ruttin’
yours!
SHAREENA STARTS RETCHING AT THE MERE THOUGHT AND IS ABOUT TO THROW UP.
BACK TO:
STAGE
THE GAME IS ABOUT HALF WAY THROUGH THE SECOND ROUND. BOBBY HAS BEEN CONTINUING HIS COMEBACK.
ALEX
Right again Bobby! Next category.
BOBBY
How ‘bout 70’s Rock Bands?
ALEX
Lead singer for “The Stooges”, he was
sometimes referred to as “The
Godfather of Punk”. Joe.
JOE
Who was Moe Howard?
ALEX
No Joe. Irwin.
29.
IRWIN
Who was..Marlon Brando?
ALEX
Oh boy. No.
IRWIN
Shit!!!
ALEX
Take it easy Irwin, it’s only a game.
Bobby?
BOBBY
Who was Iggy Pop?
ALEX
That’s correct! Next category.
BOBBY
Television for a thousand.
ALEX
This 70’s sitcom was about a group
known as the “Sweathogs”. Irwin.
IRWIN
What was the Golden Girls?
ALEX
Good answer, but no. Joe.
JOE
What was Sesame Street?
ALEX
Did you cheat on the entrance test,
Joe?
30.
JOE
Huh?
ALEX
Never mind. What’s the correct answer,
Bobby?
BOBBY
What was Welcome Back Kotter?
ALEX
Awesome job Bobby! You’re way out in
the lead now.
IRWIN
That’s because this game is fixed!
ALEX
Irwin, I’ll have none of that talk on
my stage. Bobby. Next category.
CUT TO:
AUDIENCE
RILEY AND SHAREENA ARE PASSING A BOTTLE OF CHEAP WINE AND SANTOS IS COVERED IN VOMIT.
SANTOS
I can’t believe you fuckin’ puked on
me!
SHAREENA
Tha’s nothin’ compared’ta what I’ll do
if Bobby loses this game. I’m gonna be
sickin’ up all over the place.
31.
SANTOS
I guess we ain’t gonna be eatin’ no
dinner on our date.
SHAREENA
You ain’t gonna be eatin’ nuttin’ on
no date! Bobby’s way ahead now.
There’s no way he can lose.
SANTOS
Yah well if there is a way, I’m sure
Bobby will find it.
BACK TO:
STAGE
THERE ARE TWO QUESTIONS LEFT IN THE SECOND ROUND.
ALEX
Correct again Bobby. Your pick.
BOBBY
Pop Culture for a thousand, Alex.
ALEX
This popular energy drink is
recognized by a scary looking M on the
can. Joe, I love your never say die
attitude. What do ya got for us?
JOE
What is Moonshine?
32.
ALEX
I get the feeling it was your mom’s
drink of choice when she was pregnant
with you. No. Wrong answer. Irwin.
IRWIN
What is a Martini?
ALEX
I think you’re going to need a few
after this game. I know I am. Bobby.
Tell them.
BOBBY
What is Monster?
ALEX
Correct of course! Remarkable
comeback. And Joe, you’re totally
hopeless. I’m surprised you even came
back after the break. Okay, our final
category is 70’s Rock Bands. The clue
is, This bands most popular hit was
“Stairway to Heaven”. Joe, why the
hell not right? What’s your answer?
JOE
Who are the Billy Graham Choir?
ALEX
Heh-heh-heh. Irwin, you need this.
33.
IRWIN
And I shall have it. Who are the
Carpenters?
ALEX
A-ha-ha-ha! The Carpenters? Oh, why?
Because of the stairway part? Oh man,
that’s pathetic. Bobby, for another
thousand dollars before going into
Final Jeopardy, what’s the correct
answer?
BOBBY
Who are Led Zeppelin, Alex?
ALEX
But of course, and that puts you up to
twenty-seven thousand dollars. Irwin,
you’re in second with thirteen
thousand. And Joe, go hit the showers,
kid.
JOE
I’m out of the game?
ALEX
Yeah, but seriously, go take a shower.
You smell like cow manure. Go on. Get!
JOE WALKS AWAY LOOKING TOTALLY DEJECTED.
34.
ALEX (CONT’D)
We’re going to take a short break and
when we come back, we will finally put
an end to this nonsense. (BEAT) And
the Final Jeopardy category will
be..Marijuana. Heh-heh, ah shit. We’ll
be back.
CUT TO:
AUDIENCE
SHAREENA
Yes!!! Did you hear that, Santos?
Marijuana!! Bobby knows more about
weed than Cheech and Chong put
together.
SANTOS
Yah, yah, I still think he’s gonna
blow it.
SHAREENA
How can he blow it? He’s got more than
twice as much money as Irwin. As long
as he bets less than a thousand, the
game is his and I win the bet.
SANTOS
You’re forgetting one thing though.
SHAREENA
What’s that?
35.
SANTOS
Besides calculatin’ grams and ounces,
Bobby don’ know shit about math.
BACK TO:
STAGE
IRWIN LOOKS NERVOUS. BOBBY LOOKS ABSENT-MINDEDLY CONFIDENT.
ALEX
Okay! We’re back! Contestants. Are you
ready to play Final Jeopardy?
BOBBY
I sure am, Alex!
IRWIN
Yeah, whatever.
ALEX
That’s the spirit! Okay, our Final
Jeopardy question is..They are the
three major types of Marijuana plants.
JEOPARDY THEME TIMER MUSIC PLAYS. IRWIN NOW LOOKS RATHER CONFIDENT WHILE BOBBY JUST LOOKS ABSENT-MINDED.
CUT TO:
AUDIENCE
SANTOS
Your boy ain’ lookin’ too sure of
himself anymore.
36.
SHAREENA
Whatta ya mean, my boy? Bobby’s your
friend too and if you were a good
friend, you wouldn’t be bettin’
against ‘im.
SANTOS
Oh no. You ain’ layin’ no guilt trip
on me. The bet is on and is stayin’
on.
SHAREENA
Shit.
BACK TO:
STAGE
THE TIMER MUSIC COMES TO AN END.
ALEX
Okay gentlemen. Let’s see how you both
did. Irwin. You’re a professor of
Botany, I believe. Isn’t that right?
IRWIN(smiling confidently)
That’s correct, Alex.
ALEX
Well then you just might surprise us
then, huh? Let’s see your answer.
IRWIN’S SCREEN SHOWS: INDICA, SATIVA, AND RUDERALIS
37.
ALEX (CONT’D)
You answered, Indica, Sativa, and
Ruderalis. Holy shit! That’s correct!
How much did you wager?
IRWIN’S SCREEN SHOWS: $13,000
ALEX (CONT’D)
Thirteen thousand and that puts you at
twenty-six thousand dollars so you’re
still behind by a thousand. Now over
to Bobby. I don’t believe the amount
of your bet is going to matter, eh
Bobby-boy? I’m sure you got this one
right. Let’s see it.
BOBBY’S SCREEN SHOWS: PURPLE GORILLA, PLATINUM BUBBA, AND PINEAPPLE EXPRESS
ALEX (CONT’D)
Purple Gorilla, Platinum Bubba, and
Pineapple Express. No, I’m sorry Bobby
but those are strains, not types. Good
strains, I might add, but..I mean I’ve
heard they’re good. Anyway, it doesn’t
matter as long as you didn’t wager..
BOBBY’S SCREEN SHOWS: $27,000
ALEX (CONT’D)
..more..than. Bobby, what the hell did
you do? You bet all your money? Why
the hell would you do something so
stupid?
38.
BOBBY(shrugging indifferently)
The category was weed, Alex. The
category was weed.
FADE OUT.
END ACT TWO
39.
TAG
FADE IN:
INT. BOBBY’S APT.
BOBBY SITS IN HIS USUAL SPOT IN HIS USUAL WAY. HE VAPIDLY SMOKES FROM HIS BONG AND STARES AT THE TV. BUZZ IS LYING ON THE OTHER END OF THE COUCH WITH A SMALL ICEBAG ON HIS HEAD. THERE’S A KNOCK ON THE DOOR. IT OPENS AND SHAREENA POKES HER HEAD IN.
SHAREENA
Hey Bobby. Mind if I come in?
BOBBY
Yeah, sure Shareena. C’mon in.
BUZZ (V.O.)
Ohhh my head. I swear I’m never
drinking again.
SHAREENA ENTERS, CLOSES THE DOOR, WALKS OVER TO THE COUCH AND SITS DOWN VERY CLOSE TO BOBBY. HE PLACES THE BONG ON THE TABLE.
SHAREENA
Still bummed out about the game?
BOBBY
Yeah. (BEAT) But I’m more bummed out
‘bout causin’ you to lose that bet
with Luis.
SHAREENA
Aw Bobby, it’s not your fault. I’m the
one who made the bet.
40.
BOBBY
Yeah, cuz you believed in me, and I
let you down, and now you’re goin’ out
with Luis, and it’s all my fault,
and..
SHAREENA(interrupting)
Bobby, it’s not your faul..
BOBBY SUDDENLY TURNS TO FACE SHAREENA AND INTERRUPTS HER.
BOBBY
I don’t want you to go out with Luis.
I mean, I know he’s my best friend and
all, but he’s a hound to women.
Especially you Shareena. And you
deserve better than that.
SHAREENA
Ya know Bobby. If I didn’t know
better, I’d say you were jealous.
BOBBY TURNS HIS HEAD AWAY AS HIS FACE TURNS RED.
SHAREENA (CONT’D)(in a Southern accent)
Why Bobby Smalls, I declare, I do
believe you’re blushing.
BOBBY SAYS NOTHING.
SHAREENA (CONT’D)
Okay Bobby. You don’t have to say
anything. I think I see what’s going
on here.
41.
SHAREENA KISSES BOBBY ON THE HEAD, STANDS UP, AND STARTS HEADING TOWARDS THE DOOR. SHE STOPS HALFWAY AND TURNS.
SHAREENA (CONT’D)
Oh, and don’t worry about that date.
BOBBY QUICKLY TURNS TO FACE SHAREENA.
BOBBY
Why not?
SHAREENA
Let’s just say I got a plan, okay?
SHAREENA SMILES SLYLY THEN GOES TO THE DOOR AND EXITS.
BOBBY TURNS AROUND AND PICKS UP THE BONG. HE THINKS FOR A MOMENT AND THEN JUST SMILES.
BUZZ (V.O.)
Well what do you know about that? I
think our boy here just might be in
love. Well, I figured it had to happen
sooner or later. He’s too much of a
slob to be gay.
CUT TO:
TELEVISION
THE NEWS IS ON AND FRED FALLAS IS REPORTING.
FRED
..when asked what they were doing in
the area, the transexual prostitutes
claimed they had just come from the
Governors mansion.(PAUSE)
42.
(MORE)
In other news today, a man was found
hanging from a tree behind Sony
Studios in Culver City. Police report
that there wasn’t any note left and
the only information they had so far,
was that the man’s first name was Joe.(PAUSE)
That’s all for now. Thank you for
watching KUSH-13 News and have a good
night.
FADE OUT.
THE END
43.
FRED (CONT'D)
44.
45.