Dr Simon Manipulation Tactics

8/13/2019 Dr Simon Manipulation Tactics

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From Dr Simon

Dealing with manipulative people

How You Get ManipulatedManipulators and other disturbed characters use a variety of tactics to control and manipulateothers. Ive been posting on some of these in the past few weeks. But in this post, I wanted

to outline some of the main reasons why manipulation tactics work. I alsowanted to speak to issues about how people get themselves trapped in situations in

which disordered characters of all types manipulate, abuse, or exploit them.

Ive been posting a series of articles on a wonderful international blog: Psychology,

Philosophy, and Real Life. In some of those posts, Ive talked about how some longstanding

principles of traditional psychology have become unfortunately so unquestionably accepted

by both professionals and lay persons that they cloud a persons judgement when trying to

make sense of the behavior of an abuser or manipulator. Along the way, Ive gotten somevery interesting comments from readers.

In one of my posts, I made the point that traditional psychology paradigms tend to view

EVERYONE as struggling with fears and insecurities. If we buy into that notion,

trying to understand someones behavior always boils down to trying to figure

out what fears and insecurities must be prompting the behavior. I further pointedout that howwe frame a problem can often be as important as what we do to try and

solve it. I lamented that counselors who are overly-immersed in traditional mindsets can

inadvertantly do great damage when trying to help someone in an abusive,

exploitive, or manipulative relationship simply be framing the problemincorrectly. A wonderful comment came from Sarah, who quoted me in one of my postssaying:

For example, some disordered characters have such a passion for novelty and such a craving

for excitement that they constantly seek shallow, intense, and short-lived high-risk sexual

involvements and other interpersonal titillations. But this characteristic thrill-seeking behavior

is sometimes framed as necessarily stemming from a fear of intimacy or commitment. I

think this mistake is often made because its difficult for neurotic individuals (or traditionally-

minded therapists) to imagine why a person wouldnt necessarily prefer a stable and intimate

relationship over multiple risky encounters unless they were in some way afraid ofsomething deeper.

Sarah commented that she has also come to be a believer in how holding onto outdated

notions about why some people do the hurtful things they do only enables people to continue

being abused or manipulated.

Another reader, Diane, voiced her agreement with my concerns about how traditional

perspective can be a setup for abuse and exploitation:

I agree if the therapist does not catorgorize (the true nature of the abusive party) and get a

clear picture (of the abusive situation) he or she could damage their patient or patient! Thatswhy in a abusive relationship marriage counseling often times ( more so then not ) creates


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more damage. I am learning that theyre really arent very many therapists out there who can

handle the job of (working with) a character disorder. They seem too afraid to judge it

(character disturbance) as such! Funny that an expert actually fails the client under these

circumstances. Right now I just talked to a women and her counselour is clueless actually

has been highly rated in the state.. But it is not a shock to meEasily wrapped up for the

controller manipulater type.. Actually it was a slam dunk. It is disappointing since so manyseek help and dont recieve it..

These comments have been edifying for me to get. The point of this discussion,

however, isthat one of the principal reasonspeople get manipulated, abused

and exploited by disturbed or disordered characters is because the legacy of

traditional psychology has many of us (therapists and lay persons alike)

thinking about the behavior of others and their motivations for that behavior

in a manner that actually sets people up to be victimized!

Disturbed characters and skilled manipulators are not easily understood or effectivelydeal with using traditional frameworks. As I have posted about before both on my blogand other blogs,disturbed characters are very different from neurotics and the traditional

frameworks were all developed to deal with the phenomenon of neurosis. So, step number

one to overcoming all types of abuse, exploitation, and especially manipulation is to start

questioning or even ridding yourself of all of the outdated notions traditional psychology

promoted about why people do the things they do and adopt a new framework for

understanding those individuals whose defects of character are the main

reasons for the problems they cause.

Lying - Manipulation Tactic 1 (Pt 1)In prior posts, Ive written about some of the major differences between neurotic

personalities and disorderedcharacters(they differ on such major issues asanxiety, shame, guilt, and conscience). You can read more of these comparisons as partof a series Im doing for another blog. That series began with a post that pointed out the

failure of traditional psychology to provide an accurate framework for understanding the

phenomenon of character disturbance, as well as a post that clarifies the distinction betwen

personality traits, personality disorders, and disorders of character. This post begins a

discussion of the various manipulation tactics, first outlined in my book, In Sheeps Clothing.

Manipulators are often quite skilled in the various ways to decieve, con, and

otherwise lie. One of the most subtle but yet effective ways to lie

is lying by omission. A very skilled manipulator might even recite a litany of very

true facts but then (possibly unbeknownst to you) deliberatelyleave out a key

detail that would shed an entirely new light on the reality of asituation. All of this is done for the purposes of impression management and

outcome manipulation.


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An incarcerated female criminal offender put in an emergency request to see the consulting

physician. She told him that she had been treated for anxiety and depression in the free

world but that no anti-anxiety or antidepressant medication had been prescribed for her since

arriving at the prison (true fact). She rattled off the names of several persons she knew who

had been prescribed medicine, whereas she had not (again, true facts). She stated that was

being discriminated against because she had filed an official grievance (it was factual that shehad filed a grievance). She painted a picture of a hurting, unfairly treated person with a

serious condition who only wanted help but was denied. She was the victim, the corrupt

system was the victimizer (playing the victim role is an effective tactic in itself). The

consulting physician was unfamiliar with treating individuals with severe disturbances of

character. When the physician consulted with the rest of the staff, she was leaning toward

prescribing medication to this inmate. He then learned what the inmate left out of the

story. She had been to many clinics (i.e. doctor-shopping) in the free world and along the

way managed to score many different diagnoses and abusable drugs until the medical

community in and around her town became aware of her game. She didnt say that she had

been given two independent and complete psychiatric evaluations, with both psychiatrists

deeming she had no true mental illness (unusually, she even had no chemical addiction issuesof her own - her criminal business was dealing in abusable prescription drugs) but was

merely trying to secure drugs she could sell even in prison. In fact, she had been caught

selling drugs she entered the prison with and that was one of the many reasons she was

screened so carefully with regard to any possible real need for them. It was also no accident

that this inmate put in her emergency request on a day that she found out that a consulting

physician who had never consulted to the prison before would be on duty.

This particualar case illustrates not only how subtle and crafty lying can be,

especially when the main technique is omission, but also how convincing andunnerved a liar can be while exercising his or her craft. A good con can get the better ofanyone. They paint the picture they want you to see. If you look no further, youre likely to

be duped.

In future posts, Ill be talking about other various tactics of manipulation and why theyre

often effective

Lying - Manipulation Tactic 1 Pt

Like most disturbed characters,manipulators are skilled liars. Most people,

however cant understand why such people lie so much, especially when it seems to serve nopurpose. Some have even referred to repeat bashers of the truth as pathological liars,

presuming that they have some kind of mental illness that makes them want to lie even when

there doesnt appear to be good reason to do it.

Disordered characters of all types, and especially manipulators always want to

be in a position of advantage over others. They never want the

playing field of interpersonal relations to be level.They want to have the upper hand and to keep you in a one-down

position. Lying is simply one of the best ways to accomplish this end. More than most,manipulators dont want you to have their number. They dont want you to know


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who they really are or what they really want. That would give you a

position of equal advantage in dealing with them. They would rather that

you have to be constantly in the dark, frequently second-guessing, or

oblivious to the reality of circumstances. So, even when the truth would do

just fine, theyd rather lie. It gives them a position of advantage.

In upcoming posts, Ill be exploring other tactics disturbed characters use to manipulate others

and resist taking responsibility.

Rationalizing - Manipulation Tactic 2

Manipulators always have an answer for the hurtful things they do.

No matter what you confront them about, theyll offer an

excuse that seems to justify their behavior. When manipulatorsrationalize, its not the same as when a person of generally good conscience tries to assuage

that conscience by finding reasons to think what they did wasnt really that bad when theyve

done something wrong. Rather, when manipulators rationalize,

theyre mostly trying to manage your impression of them.

Theyre trying to convince you that they meant no harm in the

first place, that they had no choice but to do what they did, or

that theydid what any reasonable person would

have done under the circumstances (!!!) This is tomislead you about the nature of their intentions as well as the nature of

their character. Like lying, which I posted about earlier, its simply a tactic, and one ofmany tools in the arsenal of weapons they employ to get the better of others and resist

accepting responsibility.

When a person rationalizes for something they know is wrong,

theyre also making a statementabout how they feel

toward the principle at stake. For example, when a person continuouslyattempts to excuse their belligerant behavior, theyre making a statement about how they feel

about the wrongness of bullying. Theyre also sending a clear signal about how likely they

are to do the same thing again. As long as they continue to excuse their

behavior, its likely theyll repeat it. Thats because they haventsubmitted themselves to a different principle of conduct (!!!). Thatswhy its so important to never be swayed by or accept an excuse. Not only do you get

manipulated, you put yourself in the position of having the same thing done to you again that

you found that you took issue with in the first place.


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Externalizing - Manipulation Tactic 3

Disordered characters areforever blaming their misbehavior on someone or

something else, and skilled manipulators can make you think thatsomehow its your fault that they did whatever they did to hurt you.Confront them on how hurtful it was that they cheated on you and they will blame your lack

of attentiveness, your failure to be avaiable and responsive whenever they felt in the mood,

etc. Confront them on their lack of rapport with their children and they will berate you for

turning the children against them. Theyll always claim that some person or

circumstance made them do what they did instead of accepting

responsibility for a making a bad choice about how they responded.

Sometimes counselors have called this tactic projecting the blame. Projection is another

one of those automatic mental behaviors traditionally thought of as an egodefense mechanism. The rationale behind that notion is that sometimes individualsunconsciously project onto others motivations, intentions, or actions that they they are far

too unnerved over or feel such overwhelming guilt about that they cant acknowledge them as

their own. But disordered characters know what they are doing. They

are fully conscious about what others would see as the wrongfulness

of their behavior and theyre perfectly comfortable with the behavior

nonetheless. They dont have enough guilt or shame about theyre doing tochange course. So, when they attempt to justify their position by casting

themselves as the victim of someone elses wrongdoing, they simultaneouslyevade responsibility as well as manipulate others into thinking that theyre

really a good guy who had no choice but to respond the way they did. Its an

effective tactic to manage the impressionof others. The tactic goes hand

in hand with the tactic of portraying oneself as a

victim. Its an effective tactic that gets others to pay attention toeveryone or everything else except the disordered character himself and his

harmful behavior patterns as the sources of a problem. Ive been posting a

series of articles for the Psychology, Philosophy and Real Life blog about individuals with acharacter disorder and how they differ from other personality types. Ive also posted on other

manipulation tactics such as rationalizing and lying.

Externalizing the blame (i.e. blaming others and circumstances for personal

shortcomings) is a particularly insidious manipulation tactic and responsibility-

aviodance habit. A person who wont acknowledge his or her bad choices and repeatedlyblames others for his failures will never correct his erroneous thinking, attitudes, or problem

behavior. Whenever you hear an excuse, you know the disturbed character has no intentions

of changing his ways. And whenever you confront someone on their bad behavior, dont be

tricked into thinking its somehow yours or someone elses fault that they did what they did.Ive written on how to avoid being taken in by this tactic in my book In Sheeps Clothing.


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Denial - Manipulation Tactic 4

Denial has traditionally been conceptualized as an ego defense mechanism. In other

words, its been presumed that when a person denies the reality of a situation, they do so

unconsciously because the reality is simply too painful to bear. But when disturbed

characters engage in denial, theyre generally not in a state of psychological unawareness

prompted by a deep inner pain about who they are or what they have been doing. Rather,disordered characters more frequently use denial (i.e., an

unwillingness to admit their wrongdoing) as a tactic to feign

innocence, and to manage the impression of others who might

otherwise have their number. If the denial is strong enough, a good

neurotic might be successfully manipulated into second-guessing

himself. Disordered characters often wont admitwhen theyve done something wrong,and resist looking at any role their behavior patterns have played in creating problems in their

lives. They lie to themselves and others about their malevolent acts and intentions as a tacticto get others off their back. If their denial is forceful and convincing enough, others will

likely be successfully manipulated.

Denial is not only an effective manipulation tactic, but its also a

sure signsomeone isnot about to changehis or her way ofbehaving. A person who wont acknowledge their wrongs in the first place isntlikely to feel any inclination to correct them. Habitual denial is the way many disordered

characters resist internalizing the values and standards of conduct that could make them more

socially responsible.

Ive posted before on what denial is and what it isnt. Ive made an effort to distinguish

between a true defense mechanism and a tactic of manipulation and responsibility-avoidance.

Ive been posting on another blog about the various characteristics of individuals with

disturbed characters. A more in-depth exploration of manipulation tactics, why they work,

and how to best respond to them so as not to be victimized can be found in my book In

Sheeps Clothing.

Minimizing - Manipulation Tactic 5

The disturbed character is forever trying to trivialize important matters. Hetriesto convincefolks that the wrongful thing he did wasnt really that bad or harmful. He

might admit part of what he did wrong, but usually not the most serious part. Disordered

characters use the tactic of minimizing to manage the impression others have of them .

Its a way to manipulate others into thinking theyre not so bad despite the horrible things

theyve done.

But minimizing serious transgressions is also the way the disordered character lies to

himselfabout the full extent of his character deficiencies and behavior problems. As

long as he continues to minimize, he wont take seriously the problems he needs to


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correct. As with all the other manipulation tactics, this behavior obstructs theinternalization of values and standards of conduct. Its the waydisturbed characters resist accepting responsibility. As long as a person trivializesimportant matters related to their conduct, they wont take seriously the need to change that

conduct.

Seasoned manipulators are good at making the case for discounting the seriousness of their

wrongdoing.Anyone who accepts their minimizations is

therefore successfully manipulated. So, when it comes to importantmatters, minimizations like I only did it once, or she wasnt hurt that bad, should never be

accepted.

Individuals best described as neurotic are very different from those with significant

disturbances of character. In contrast to disturbed characters who tend to manipulate, avoidresponsibility, and bring undue stress to others through minimizing, neurotics tend to

bring undue stress upon themselves by catastrophizing. Theyre sooverly conscientious, that any little thing they do wrong is magnified in their own mind as a

calamity. Ive been posting on another blog about the various and significant differences

between neurotics and disordered characters. Ive also posted on this blog about other

manipulation tactics such as externalizing, rationalizing, and lying. Ill be posting on several

other manipulation tactics in the coming weeks.

Covert-Intimidation - Manipulation Tactic 6

The most severely disordered characters will often make direct threats or even carry

them out as a way of keeping others in line. Skilled manipulators, however,

are expert at making more subtle, implied or veiled threats to

intimidate others into seeing or doing things their way.

Sometimes a veiled threat can be no more than a particular

look or a glance. Sometimes its imbedded not so much in what someone says ordoes, but the manner or tone they employ when they do or say it. The message is always

the same. The disturbed character subtly implies that some sortof holy hell will break out if he doesnt get his way or if

someone dares to challenge or confronts his dysfunctional

behavior.

Folks who are quick to go on the offensive in this very calculated way whenever they face

resistance are not likely to take a good look at themselves or the healthiness of their way of

doing things. Their combative stance also blocks any chance that they will internalize a more

pro-social a standard of self-conduct.


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Individuals who are in relationships with persons who use the

tactic of covert-intimidation often are at high risk that the

relationship will be abusive, exploitive or both. Ive been posting on someof the more frequent tactics disturbed characters use to manipulate and control others.

Observing the frequency with which a person uses these tactics should give you some goodinsight into the nature of their character and how likely you are to have any kind of healthy

relationship with them.

Bullying (Overt Intimidation) - Manipulation

Manipulators and other disturbed characters sometimes like to openly threaten or brow-beat

someone else into giving-up or giving-in to their demands. They like to terrorize others

into submission. They use fear as a weapon, whether its fear of the known or unknown.

People in relationships with disturbed characters are generally familiar with their track record

of behavior, thus they know what the disturbed character is not only capable of but also what

they have been willing to do to get their way in the past.

Disturbed characters who bully manipulate others by keeping them on the defensive and

making them so afraid of possible negative repercussions that they dont dare go against their

wishes. Sometimes, manipultors will brandish intense anger and rage, not so much because

theyre really that angry, but because they want their victims to be so terrorized that they dare

not do anything but cave in to their demands. That doent mean that victims should take the

rageful behavior of their tormentors lightly, it simply means that they have to recognize that

their probably in a relationship with a person who will stop at nothing to get his or her way.

Individuals who frequently use bullying as a manipulation tactic are among the least

likely to change their modus operandi. Thats because in addition to being an effective

tactic of manipulation, such hard-headed combativeness is also a primary way the disturbed

character avoids any kind of submission to a higher authority or standard of conduct. Those

who refuse to subjugate themselves to anything wage a constant war against the

internalization of standards and controls that make most of us civilized. Suffice it to say that

the best idea is to not remain in any kind of relationship with a person willing to engage in

such behavior.

Disturbed & Neurotic Behavior

In most unhealthy relationships, at least one of the persons is likely to have a significantdisturbance of character. Relationships can be particularly unhealthy if one person is

significantly character disturbed and the other is overly neurotic. The primary defining

qualities of the disturbed character are a deficient, immature, or absent conscience, ego

inflation, problematic attitudes and thinking patterns, and irresponsible behavior patterns.

When a neurotic individual hooks up with a disturbed character, they often try to be the

conscience for both parties. When the disturbed character defaults on yet another debt, the

neurotic floats another loan. When the disturbed character cheats again and blames the

neurotics lack of attention, the neurotic tries harder to please. The neurotic may feel in his or

her heart that the blame lies with the disordered character, but the disturbed character

manipulates the neurotic into believing that everything is his or her fault. The disturbed


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character in such a relationship never has to develop any kind of conscience, because the

neurotic frequently exercises conscience enough for both of them.

Relationships between disturbed characters and neurotics stay unhealthy because

the neurotic doesnt learn to assert him or herselfand the disturbed characterhas no reason to modify his or her patterns of manipulation, exploitation, and abuse. If the

attempt to secure professional help is successful but the therapist is not trained to accurately

diagnose character disturbance or skilled in the radically different methods of dealing with it,

the likely fruitlessness of the encounter can lead the neurotic partner to believe that there

is no choice but to maintain the status quo.

Dr Simon Manipulation Tactics

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