1. The root cause of fighting between Married Couples. This afternoon, a married couple with children came to see me. The problem was that they fought with each other constantly. Their fights would intensify so severely that the wife would scream Im going to kill you while brandishing a kitchen knife. They suspected some type of mental disorder would account for her outrageous behavior. The wife was 32 years old and seemed very quiet, pretty, and so adorable no one could imagine her sudden violent behavior. The husband also appeared very gentle and kind. However, this couple had been fighting almost every day since the beginning of their marriage. On the first visit, I sometimes ask my patients Do you like yourself? because from my experience as a doctor I believe the level of the patients self- esteem is in proportion to the patients mental health. When I asked the wife this question, she said that she disliked herself. She is in fact, always blaming herself. As she does so, she scolds her children and blames her husband. As a result, she ends up fighting with her husband. There is a strong relationship between self-esteem and how one is raised during ones childhood. In her case, she had been scolded all the time by her parents, naturally building her life on a foundation of self-accusation and a negative self image. Most people associate with other people in the same way they treat themselves. Accordingly, ones relationship with others is equal to the relationship with themselves. Relationships with others can act as a mirror reflecting their own self-esteem. Moreover, people raise their children in the way they were brought up, unless they become consciously aware. This is one reason why family relationships are carried over from generation to generation. As written in the proverb, The wise person can be called a human, and the thoughtless persons are no more than animals. It is truly sad if one can only live by the way one is brought up. On the other hand, to cultivate ones eyes to look at oneself with a warm, unconditional love is indeed a very wise way to lead ones life. This is the real key to growth as a fully developed human being.

I advised the couple to change how they evaluated themselves, and I made them promise to walk arm in arm on the way home. They left my office smiling.

2. Compassion and Self- Sacrifice Japanese people love self- sacrifice. The more earnest person is, the more he or she is inclined to this type of behavior. Mr. S is having a tough time with his father who patronizes him. The fathers parents died when he was young and so he grew up lonely having to overcome countless obstacles on his own. The father does not want his son to have the same experience, and so he makes every effort to make sure his son is happy. Unfortunately, the father constantly reminds his son of this fact, and now Mr. S feels burdened and constantly pressured by his fathers efforts. Ms. M has a difficult relationship with her friends. Since childhood, her parents had taught her to be a person who cares for and helps others. She has done exactly that, but she cant help feeling unappreciated by her friends, who seem to keep her at a distance despite her devotion. Because when the tables are turned, her friends are unavailable to reciprocate and give her what she needs. She feels that she cannot do this anymore. Despite her parents telling her to never become a loser, she feels like one anyway, and is fed-up with herself. People who believe in self-sacrifice simply endure with the hope that , once they overcome a difficult moment, their situation will turn for the better, and so they continue enduring. They put too much emphasis on making the other person happy, but fail to pay attention to the subtle emotions involved in a relationship between two people. As for the receiver, they will have a hard time feeling pleased if the giver is suffering from the act of self-sacrifice. No one wants to build happiness on someone elses sacrificial act. Compassion and self-sacrifice may seem like similar concepts but the two are completely different. People who practice self-sacrifice usually have an unconscious expectation; either to be appreciated or wanting something in return from the receiver. So if they dont get it, they become upset. In contrast, compassionate people do not have this kind of expectation, because in the giving itself already, there is joy. As written in the proverb, The joy must come from within the giver and receiver simultaneously, the devotion must be given with joy so that it resonates within the receiver as well.

3. Right Moderation Ii Kagen

Ii Kagen in Japanese originally means right moderation. Over the years, however, the use of the word has somehow been twisted and now implies irresponsibility, negligence, or half-way. The original connotation of comfortably balanced has been lost. Mr. T is a promising system engineer and 30 years old. He takes his responsibility very seriously, that once he accepts an assignment it must be done to perfection. He is currently supervising many projects in the company and is already overloaded. In addition to this, he is assigned as the chief supervisor to a big project that will determine the fate of the company. Failure is not an option, and so he has been working harder than ever. Recently, he has had trouble sleeping at night and difficulties getting up in the morning as well as a poor appetite. Finally he collapsed. A serious person like Mr. T struggles to find the balance between what is expected and his own ability to deliver, and therefore endures frantically beyond his limit. It is like having a 5 ton load on a truck designated for 2 tons. Depression and even death from excessive work will manifest as a result. These people do not seem to value the importance of right moderation as in the original meaning of Ii Kagen. They think of moderation as an example of a lazy work ethic. It is very important to know your own limitations, and to have the courage to decline an offer that is beyond your capacity. A good job is only possible when you are in the right moderation of Ii Kagen, and only then you can work for a long lasting time and deliver the best result, with the best wisdom and ingenuity. Working in the right moderation somehow sounds natural and easy but, in fact is difficult to implement. One year later, Mr. T recalled that his whole life was about patience and based upon must-dos, on the job. He felt only fatigue upon completion of each job instead of feeling content. After he lost his health, he was glad to be able to notice how wrong his way of life was. I heard him say that, I have no worries about his future anymore.

4. The Lion Type and the Mouse Type

There are two types of people: a mouse type and a lion type. The mouse type has an attitude that is constantly timid, tense and nervous like a mouse cornered by a cat. On the other hand, the lion type is more interested in an eventful life loaded with difficulties and challenges that gives excitement, similar to a lion aiming its prey. Mr. S is in his 40s and running his own company. His business has been going down and its debt has kept growing. His anxiety level has exacerbated to the point where he has palpitations whenever he goes out. When the telephone rings, he cant answer out of fear that the call may be from a debt collector. Although he worries about his companys dismal situation, he cannot do anything to help and so all he does is stays in bed and closes his eyes. When he came to see me, he looked very fragile and worn out. He is a typical mouse type person. He once went through the same experience when he was 18 years old and as he looks back, he recognizes that the mouse type characteristics of negativity and pessimism come to surface not only when he has a problem but throughout his life. We tend to think that unfortunate circumstances and obstacles will bring fear and unhappiness into our life. However, the truth is that it is our Perception and Thoughts that bring it into our life. Mr. S is suffering from a typical anxiety nervous disorder and the mouse type attitude has deeply contributed to his illness. To change ones tendency is very difficult, but Mr. S is determined to do this. Two years later, he has become a strong man in that he can smile and brag A debt measures a mans ability. As written in the proverb, My wish is that my disciples will be cubs of the lion king, never to be laughed at by the pack of foxes. We, like Mr. S, want to live a life that is solid and strong, where hardships and challenges bring only a feeling of excitement and contentment.

5. The Art of Cherishing Oneself A little while ago an advertisement on the train caught my eye. It was a confession by an elderly man: I have worked very hard for many years for everyone. When I look back, though, I am not one of the everyone. From now on, I will really cherish myself. This impressed me because I have been concerned by common traits among my patients that deeply contribute to their illness; they are almost always serious, self-giving and crushing their own emotions to conform to society. Mrs. K is in her late 50s. She quit her job a year ago and currently lives with her married daughter. About a half year ago, Mrs. K started feeling down and had occasional headaches and heaviness along with a loss of appetite. Her sleep is light and she wakes up very early in the morning. For her, the fact that her meals and other tasks are taken care of by her daughter who also has weak health is just unbearable. She has been dragged into thinking of death so that she will not be a burden to her loved ones. In all, Mrs. K has fallen into a typical syndrome of depression. Her whole life she has been biting the bullet. Since her marriage, she has not even taken one vacation. She always believed if she endured everything would be fine. I convinced Mrs. K, You are fortunate to fall into depression now. If you had gotten older without this incident, you would have ended your life wondering what your life was. You have endured enough. From now on, take good care of yourself. You are entitled to have fun and make your life memorable. She has seen me only for a couple of times but has already gained some confidence in herself.

6. The Eyes That Evaluate Self

Seriousness is a good thing when expressed as hard work and strong responsibility. However, an unexpected pitfall lurks behind these virtues; you can accept yourself only when you exercise these virtues but you cannot accept yourself when you do not. Serious people are more likely to fall into this trap. Mr. I came to see me about his concerns for his family. He is 69 years old and continues to work. His concern is that if he became too old and no longer able to work what would happen to his family? He is so worried that he is losing sleep. Currently his business is in good condition and his life finally seems secure after enduring countless hardships in the past. However, the more life seems favorable, the more anxious he becomes when he thinks about the future. I threw one question to Mr. I, If you were to grade yourself, how many points will you give yourself out of 100? He gave a thought and answered, I have been working hard and luckily I am still fine and working. So I will give myself 80 points. Then I asked, So far you are doing great, but you may slow down as you get older and may not be able to work. How many points would you give yourself then? He thought for a while and answered with a frown, Upon reaching that point of no work, I will give myself 30 points. I challenged him, You have been working hard over many years. And your lifes final score is only 30 points? Dont you think there is something wrong? I urged him to re-evaluate the value of his life. Like Mr. I, serious people evaluate themselves far too strictly. Life has its fortunate times as well as its misfortunate times. During the adverse period, if one deplores and degrades oneself, one is too harsh on yourself and that is simply wrong. In fact, during times of adversity, it is especially important to believe in yourself and foster a generosity that allows you to be nurtured with a warm heart.

7. Revival of Family Through my experiences of daily practice, as a doctor at my clinic, I have come to recognize that the family is one living entity. In most cases, there is an underlying pathology of the whole family that lurks behind one family members psychological problem. Miss A is 25 years old and had quit her job about four years ago due to her depression. Since then she has been confined to her own home. Her mother has been seeing a psychiatrist at the university hospital for her neurosis of 20 years. Miss A is also seeing the doctor at the university hospital where her mother receives treatment, though without any improvement. She finally came to see me for a consultation. A difficult case such as hers usually benefits when the whole family is treated together. So I asked her to bring her family when she sees me. It was revealed then that this family rarely got together and has never gone out for a family meal. I explained how tension generated among uncooperative relationships can exacerbate her symptoms. I proposed to them, to all work together to change the whole family for the better. At the second visit, Miss A looked totally different and cheerful. She said to me, My family went to Yakitori Restaurant together. After dinner, for the first time we enjoyed Karaoke and I sang 3 songs .We recognized how joyful we felt, so we decided to do the same every month. Thereafter, Miss A quickly recovered and currently is working with high spirits. The whole family is feeling happier than before, and the home has become a place she looks forward to return to every day. Frequently, a revival of harmonious family relationships fundamentally treats the patient. Yet, I feel that one falls into illness in order to make the families itself revive.

8. Mind Era These days, I see many patients who are unable to fulfill their roles. They are businessmen who refuse to go to work, wives who become self-reproaching for not being able to do their housework well and children who stop attending school. They are socially inadaptable. The characteristics among these patients are not necessarily caused by mental illness such as depression, but rather their unsocial behavior is causing depression. Most of these patients have become excessively self-reproaching for not fulfilling their roles. Furthermore, surrounding people tend to criticize them as lazy and spoiled. As a result, their depression becomes more severe and prolonged, falling into a vicious cycle that is difficult to recover from. Behind these illnesses, there is the concept of the throw-away society. Similar to objects being disposed once theyre used; useless people do not value themselves. When we think about our current environment of the Earth, the consumerism and pursuit of profit have lead to serious environmental problems. Now we are working on redirecting our effort to save the Earth. The same is true for human life. We need to reconsider the simplistic way we evaluate people, by whether they are useful or not. When practicing mind era, it is equally important to cast our warm eyes of concern on our self, and others, including the environment and Earth.

10. A Good Child and a Mischievous Child A so called good child* seems to be the one who is lost. Miss S is a pretty bright girl in the third grade at elementary school. One day, her mother found an unfamiliar pencil in her pencil box. Her daughter told her that the pencil was given to her by her friend. Since the incident occurred over and over again, the mother asked her daughter and she confessed that the pencil was indeed stolen. It was hard to understand what had happened to such a good child. Miss S replied, I wanted to become a mischievous child.** The mother has been seeing a doctor for her depression and this incident happened right at the moment she herself started to re-discover herself. So, she had an intuition that her daughters incident and her recent discovery may be related, so she came to see me. I pointed out, Your daughter also has been a good child like you and did not know how to let herself be loose. The mother came up with an idea and took her daughter on a trip to exercise becoming a mischievous child during the summer holiday. Miss S grew brighter and more cheerful. When school started in the fall, Miss S became saddened and refused to go to school in the morning while complaining of a stomachache and headache. The reason for her refusal was that she behaved badly at school and was scolded by her teacher. It was a shocking experience for her since she had always been a good student. The mother without haste told her to go another round of practicing being a mischievous child by not going to school. After a couple of days, Miss S declared to go back to school because if she had kept playing with her mother without going to school, she would have ended becoming a real problem child. The mother told me a couple of years later that Miss S has grown into a happy and secure child. Annotation: * A Good Child is one who is always well behaved and most of the time tense, because they are trying not to be scolded by adults. ** A Mischievous Child is being oneself and sometimes misbehaves but is not tense. And also childish

11. Family Relationships

Family relationships and the atmosphere at home can have deep effects for the patient much more than we think. This is especially true for those suffering from a mental and psychological illness.

Mr. N is 23 years old and has been studying for 5 years for the college entrance examination without success. Recently, he had an illusion that people were gossiping about him which caused him to confine himself to his home. He revealed that although he is trying to enter college, he never actually took any entrance examination because his anxiety and tension overwhelmed him. He has no friends and has alienated himself from his family. While he and his mother were in the waiting room of my clinic, they sat far apart from each other. The moment they entered the room, they started arguing. To begin with, I suggested to them the importance of improving their relationship. I came up with a game of rock-paper-scissors, turn your head; the winner points a certain direction with a finger and the loser must turn to the opposite direction of the finger: up, down, right and left. The mother and son reluctantly followed my instruction and played rather shyly. They continued playing the game at home, including the sons father, until their next visit. I could imagine how hard it was for the mother, who was a teacher, and had too much pride to play such a silly game. When they came to see me in 2 weeks, she said, Although it seemed like a simple game, it was actually complicated and a lot of fun to play. She looked quite joyful.

As the family relationship improved, Mr. N, who previously disliked himself, felt like a new person who truly was starting to respect himself. He and his mother were no longer sitting apart in the waiting room, and instead, they were chatting together. Thereafter, his circle of friends grew wider, and he successfully graduated from college and is currently employed. His mother recalled later, I feel my son became ill in order for our family to change fundamentally for the better.

12 A Word of Courage For better or worse, patterns in our lifestyle become habits. Good habits should be nurtured, while bad ones are recognized and wisely corrected. This is very difficult to do, to change our habits. Mrs. N has been married for nearly 10 years. She henpecked her husband, nagging him all the time about his wishy-washy behavior. Inevitably, she became very arrogant. For many years, she hasnt seen her husband off to work when he left the house every morning. The atmosphere was already fixed and she had no way to change herself and say something positive to start his day. Her pride was so great that it was blocking her from changing her habits. One day, though, she summoned all her courage and said Itterasshai! (Have a nice day!). The moment she uttered the word, something dissolved within her. The sharp coldness that she had felt inside for so long began to melt away. Mr. T is a father of two teenage sons: Ichiro, an 11th grader and Jiro, a 9th grader. He has noticed that his sons were grumpy and gloomy but assumed these traits were typical among teenagers. He wanted to make them feel better with flattery but he could not do so, because he believes his dignity as a father would be compromised. One morning, he decided to greet his sons as he left for work. He said to his sons, Ichiro and Jiro, have a nice day! He gathered all his courage just to say the words and he continuously practiced every morning. At first, both sons looked bewildered, but eventually they responded by becoming more cheerful and active. Today, their relationship as father and sons has become the envy of their neighbors. A wise and courageous word will break through the negative patterns/habits. This will rejuvenate relationships among family members as well as close friends.

13. A Mysterious Principle

Have you ever wondered why some earnest, hardworking, selfless, and caring people who sacrifice themselves for others are not rewarded for their efforts, and are often alienated? On the other hand, people who are jolly and work at their own pace are comfortable with the people around them.

Mr. R is a 55 year old divorce. He has patiently been working hard to support his family and care for others. He always put himself last in his priorities. A couple of years ago, to his great surprise, his wife and two children announced they were leaving him, saying we can no longer stand to live with a person like you. They left him. He also noticed that his colleagues at work were disrespectful towards him, which added insult to his injury. Emotionally exhausted, he said, What have I done wrong? What is lacking in me? I agree with him that his situation sounded unreasonable yet I have seen many people like Mr. R and find similarities among them. For whatever the reason, one who neglects himself or herself will eventually be neglected by other people as well. On the other hand, those who treat themselves well will also be treated well by others. This is because those who patiently endure and neglect themselves may expect other people to do the same. Without knowing it, they are treating others with the same lack of self respect that they treat themselves. Mr. R seemed unconvinced by my advice. At the next session, however, as he walked in he said with bright eyes, Dr. Obo, I have changed! He revealed that the more he began treating himself with care and respect the more he noticed that he was treating his family kindly and generously, instead of resentment toward them and himself.

14. Authoritarianism and Humanitarianism

Mr. A was a former high ranking government official, who recently took a well-paying job at Kodan Public Corporation. Unfortunately, he could not get along with his supervisor, and furthermore he had trouble being caught in the middle of the conflict between his supervisors and his subordinates. Eventually he became depressed and refused to go to work. His colleagues and friends became worried, and expressed their concern, but he had already lost his confidence in himself. When he came to see me, there was no hope of going back to work anytime soon, despite being on an already extended leave. He shows a lot of regret at my clinic saying I miss those days when I worked well. I get upset with myself that I no longer have the strength for my work, and as he told me this he became further depressed. There are many people like Mr. A. They are in denial of accepting their depression and criticize themselves further which makes the condition worse. Behind this phenomenon, there is an underlying issue of authoritarianism. Authority (pseudo/power) is materialistic, superficial and virtual. Political power, social status, wealth, pedigree, and education are all considered examples of authority. To an extent, youth, health, beauty, and even style could be included as an authority since they are all superficial virtual power. When people whose fundamental values are based on these powers lose their authority, they lose their foundation of life. They will blame themselves if they cannot work, or belittle themselves when they become ill. These thoughts are based on the authoritative value. In contrast, Nichiren Daishonin, whom I respect, a great Buddhist monk from the 13th century in Japan, was always proud of his social status as a child of Sendara, the lowest caste during an era when the family lineage and status were of absolute value. Throughout his whole life, he fought against the power of the state, which is the most powerful authority. There could be no other clear comparison to see the contrast between authoritarianism and humanitarianism than Nichiren Daishonin. Now is the time for each one of us to realize our greatness and to be independent without authority.

15. The Pitfalls of Perfectionism We have been taught throughout our childhood that once you start, you should complete it, and dont give up. Diligence, perfection and a strong sense of responsibility are the virtues of the Japanese culture. However, these traits often trap people. Especially when I see people suffering from depression, I am often surprised at how influential these beliefs are on them.

One of the major characteristics in a person who is prone to depression is an obsessive disposition. Usually the person is hard working, fastidious, exhaustive, dutiful, precise, and has a strong sense of obligation and responsibility. Unfortunately, these character traits can create an excessively prolonged state of tension within the person. These are the values that the Japanese children are repeatedly taught throughout their childhood, to be an ideal person to earn trust from others. Today we are living in a society where our values are greatly diversified. Those who show personality traits mentioned above, however, easily become stressed in this diversified society and easily fall into depression. In the past times where things were slower and simpler, it was not that complicated to pursue perfection. But today, things are more complex and require so much efficiency with speed that makes it is almost impossible to be perfect. Even if you complete a project and experience momentarily relief, the next project will be met with reluctance because of the endless details required for the perfect finish. The Japanese are known as a highly tense people. However, these virtues such as diligence and strong responsibility can become problematic as they inadvertently fuel the obsessive-perfectionist nature. As a matter of fact, to stop what you are doing midway is a difficult thing to do. It is important, to be able to start easily, pause, and restart a project with joy. Such leeway is essential for completing a major task these days. In this new era, being able to stay flexible in our lives is the wise thing to do.

16. The Strength of Feeling Pleasure when Failing The power of imagination is stronger than most people think. For instance, if you were asked to walk through a path drawn between two lines a foot apart, itd sound like a piece of cake. However, if both sides of the lines were a steep cliff, instantly you would feel tense with fear of falling down the cliff. Despite the fact that the width has not changed, the moment you imagine your failure and its consequence, a simple walk becomes prohibitive. Mr. K is a high school senior who is preparing for his college examination to be held in a few months. His first choice for college requires a high aptitude score. The more he recognizes the need to commit to his studies, the more impatient he becomes and cannot concentrate on studying. His grades have since been in a downward spiral and nowadays when he thinks of studying, he physically feels nauseous and gets a headache. He finally came to see me with his mother. While perfection implies the elimination of failure and incompleteness, one who believes in perfection tends to be more vulnerable to the negative effect of imagination. Mr. K almost always feels butterflies in his stomach whenever he faces an important occasion and fails to achieve his full potential. Many patients like Mr. K that I have seen have caused me to contemplate about the strength or toughness they needed to be skillful at handling their failures. A person, who takes failure simply as an experience, will never be discouraged by it. Furthermore when a person proactively faces a seemingly impossible task, surprisingly it turns into an exciting challenge to look forward to, and not an obstacle. A proverb once described when difficulties arise, these are to be looked on as peaceful practices. In other words, struggling to overcome obstacles is the state of true peacefulness. I advised Mr. K, If you could even feel amuse in failure for your first choice of college, despite the reality, you will gain strength of inner-self and your future would be even brighter and open wider than your succeeding at the college examination at this time.

17. Courageous Person A strong person is someone who will not be thwarted by defeat. Or, it is rather a person is strong because he can triumph over defeat. Mr. S is in his late 40s. He has not worked for many years due to his mental depression and he gravely hates himself. He has been suicidal as well. His case may be very different from the mainstream but there are many people who look down on themselves when they experience defeat, failure, or illness. They tend to say If I accept myself as I am when miserably defeated, I am only indulging myself in failure. I should be tougher on myself especially when I am down so I dont become a loser. Lets think how you will feel, if your trusted friends criticize your failure and desert you. You will obviously be further depressed and lose your confidence in everything. In contrast, if the same friends understood and encouraged you with warm acceptance despite the chance of failure you may be highly motivated to embrace your challenge. It is important how you are treated by people during critical times. Also, how you treat yourself, either as a positive supporter or negative critic, becomes extremely important in overcoming difficulties. You must summon the courage to believe in yourself especially when you are at the lowest levels of confidence As in the proverb, The lion king fears no other beast, nor do its cubs, one who can absolutely believe that because I am a cub of the lion king, I should be able to overcome all has a strong will. Only a person who has the strong will to trust and support oneself no matter what in order to overcome plights is truly courageous and devoted. Such a person also understands when other people are in distress, and can offer sincere support. We could call such a person an example of bravery and having the ability to exert oneself.

18. The Root Cause of Confinement Syndrome An expert in child education comments that After more than 20 years of experience in child education, I realize that comparison does not bring any benefit to children. Comparison is a form of discrimination among children. The child who always has been compared to others will develop either a sense of superiority or a feeling of inferiority and eventually dragged into a slough of these senses. They grow into adults who cannot accept themselves for who they really are and have no self confidence. Ms. I is in her late 20s. She had to stop working due to her nervousness (social anxiety); so she felt when socializing with people, and has currently been confined to home. Since childhood she has always felt tension when she is interacting with other people. She is the middle child of three sisters. Her parents always say to her your other two sisters are pretty but you are ugly. Despite what her parents said, Ms. I is actually a very nice looking lady. However, she looks nervous and timid. This is due to her low self-esteem that has been nested since her childhood. With her low self-esteem, she always spends her energy taking care of others, as well as paying attention to how other people evaluate her. Eventually, her nerves are completely exhausted and she is confined to her home.

There are many young people who become unable to socialize like Ms. I. Among them, a common factor is that they are highly anxious in their relationships. This is the result of a childhood centered on competition. Eventually, these people can no longer sustain the intensity needed to keep the competition going and they implode. Behind the burst, I can always detect problems with low-self esteem. So, I concluded that Ms. Is self-esteem had to be restored. Ms. I recently said to me, Once I feel good about myself, I feel I am entitled to love someone. She added that the tension she had been suffering when interacting with other people has abated, and she actually enjoys going out again. I can detect more energy in her smile nowadays.

19. The Grasshopper and The Ant The Grasshopper and the Ant is a fable attributed to Aesop, providing a moral lesson about hard work and preparation. A lazy grasshopper laughs at the hardworking ants but when winter comes the grasshopper shivers without food. Although this lesson is about rationality, an unexpected pitfall lurks behind the well-reasoned, industrious ants in the story. Mr. K is in his late 50s. He came to my clinic for therapy after leaving treatment with another therapist that lasted nearly a year without any results. Ever since he had paid off his home mortgage and both of his daughters got married, he has been experiencing some type of depression. This is what we call unload depression. Essentially, Mr. K had accomplished his role as bread earner by constantly working hard throughout his life. Upon fulfilling his responsibility, he simply fell into depression. Mr. U is a sophomore and feeling empty towards everything. He is reacting against the harsh preparations he pursued for the college entrance examination. He is feeling what we call burnt-out syndrome. He feels that he had missed too many other things while he fought in the examination war. Moreover, when he contemplates about his future, he anticipates the need to study harder while in college to get the good job at a prestigious corporation, and then to persevere further to get promoted within the corporate ladder. Right now, everything seems hollow to him. Both Mr. K and Mr. U possess the overly serious character type that is like an industrious ant and are not enjoying each moment of life. Those people tend to be deluded by the thoughts of upon hard work, there will be happiness. However, the present and not the future is the most important moment. Feeling joy for every action you are taking now is valuable. Enduring hard work for future happiness is misguided thinking. When you enjoy hard work in the present moment, it is this attitude that produces the greatest benefit in life. The outcome of ones work is secondary to this true feeling of well-being.

20. Play vs. Seriousness real/face/eye

I have noticed that most of my patients are serious people. Somehow there are very few non-serious patients. I would ask them one question what is your image of seriousness ? and their answers are almost always a person who is methodical, committed, and rule-abiding.

In the realm of clinical psychology, there is often a relationship between sickness and seriousness. Serious people tend to refrain from showing or voicing their true feelings. When they face a problem or difficulty, they would rather blame themselves and tend to fall in depression as a result. It seems that serious people try to conform to rules set by someone else. However, according to Kojien encyclopedia, the word seriousness means heartfelt attitude and expression. Therefore, contrary to the prevailing assumption of the word, the seriousness is, in fact to express oneself without reservation. Furthermore, serious people are not good at play; rather they think of play as guilt ridden. Let us think, for example, of winter mountain climbing. You climb in frigid conditions with a heavy load of backpack. The danger is tremendous; the weather can abruptly change; an avalanche can strike; you may slip or fall down a cliff. However, if you had a playful mind, upon conquering the summit, you will be exuberant with joy of achievement. And you may be thinking of yet another difficult mountain to challenge. On the other hand, if you were climbing the mountain because of your sense of obligation or by force, the act of overcoming the frigid weather and physical challenges becomes harder with additional fear and misery. When you reach the summit, you may feel relief, but at the same time, you will probably swear never to tackle this again. A person who experiences difficulty as a part of life and accepts it can enjoy everything that comes across on his or her path of life. However, a person who views all events as a serious obligation will have a life full of plight and burden. My wish is to reexamine the original meaning of seriousness and have a joyful life.

21 Cant Love The Eldest Child A perfectionist will pursue perfection because they believe it is a worthy challenge. When it is failed, however, perfectionist will become easily trapped in an unnecessary conflict. They become very vulnerable to minor incidents. This is because of the pursuit of perfection originated from feelings of negativity within themselves. S is a 6 years old boy and goes to kindergarten. He suffers from asthma and epilepsy. His doctor at the university hospital suspects that the apnea triggered by the asthma attack has led to his epilepsy. Ss mother has since been blaming herself for not taking proper care of him when it happened. Lately, when she feels irritated, she dumps her frustration on her eldest daughter. To make the situation worse, she then criticizes her own weakness of being unreasonably upset. She has fallen into a vicious cycle. This is partly due to her strong feelings of responsibility. She does not have an outlet to defuse her irritation in a healthy way. Ss mother is just one of many mothers who are troubled by their abusive behavior toward the eldest child. What is common among these mothers is that they are overly involved in raising children and they worry too much about children. In addition, when their expectations are not met, they feel shocked and start criticizing themselves. The self-accusation results in attacking the eldest child. In a situation like this, the mother has lost her emotional balance and objectivity. She does not allow herself to loosen up. It is very important that the family members and surrounding people extend help. Then she herself, also needs to notice that she has, in fact, fallen into a vicious cycle of self-accusation. In essence, in order for her to regain herself, she must recognize that child rearing is a big project and feelings of failure or defeat are a normal part of the process. She can use this opportunity to change the habit of being self-negative and critical of herself.

22. The Power to Motivate People Ms. W is a 30 year old single woman. She previously worked at a corporation, and then decided to return to school because she was no longer content at her job. She returned to a doctoral study at one of the best public universities in Japan. Lately, she has been feeling a lack of confidence in her ability; and the harder she works, the more she struggles physically and mentally. She is experiencing depression. She feels inferior to the many excellent students who surround her and has also hit a roadblock in her research project. She believes these are the reasons for her depression. However, there is a deeper sense of cause in her case. Ms. W was an excellent student throughout the school years, but she had never been praised by her parental love. They would constantly encourage her to work harder even though she was attaining 100% scores on her exams. As a result of this pressure she developed an insufficiency syndrome. No matter how much she excelled, it was never enough. When she failed, she believed it was due to her own laziness, and she blamed herself. Certainly, Ms. Ws parents were not trying to damage their daughter; rather they did it out of parental love. The problem with their approach to parenting is that they were trying to build successful outcomes based on negative messages. This type of negativity results in severe self-denial. Japanese culture is a culture of denial. People who grow up in this culture will raise their children on the basis of denial: dont spoil the children; dont let them get conceited; dont let them be lazy. They discipline children with donts. One professional photographer shared with me his method of teaching apprentices. His students advanced more when he pointed out their strengths rather than their weaknesses. As their strong points grew stronger and better, their weakness no longer remains a weakness but become uniqueness. Indeed, people grow best with positive affirmations.

23. Reset We started the year of 2000 with a Y2K problem. Fortunately it hasnt become a terrible situation due to efforts of all parties concerned in that problem. This problem revealed a weakness in our system that had connoted our dependency on technology. It was a great opportunity to reset our system and start new again. Y2K was also an indication of the dawn of a new era in which our social and individual lives would shift to a global network. Having said that, resetting our way of life should happen not only at the level of the individual or the region, but also at the broader level of mankind. As I see patients with a variety of illnesses every day, I come to feel that becoming sick is not an accident but a necessary event for these individuals. As I watch my patients get well, I cannot help but think that if they hadnt fallen ill they would still be living a life without meaning or purpose. Even though the temporary suffering and distress was great, the meaning of life they found during the illness saved them. As a matter of fact, they were able to reset their lives afterwards because of what they experienced during their illness. The other day, a lady who visited me at the end of the year told me she was always comparing herself to others and degrading herself as inferior to them. Then she heartily added, But I finally can recognize that I was evaluating myself from the outside. Now I am motivated to do things with my own conscience. I love myself just as I am now. The Y2K problem was preceded by the fear of confusion and chaos. All in all, however, the reset created a sense of renewal and rebirth. I wish with all my heart that the new millennium be a turn of the history of mankind towards humanity.

24. Patience While Sacrificing Oneself or Praising Oneself

Mr. S is a 30 year old reticent, serious, and hard working person. During the last couple of years on the job, he patiently endured being shouted at on a regular basis by his boss. He sometimes took days off from work saying Im tired. He had diarrhea once in a while. His body was obviously taking a toll from the stress and screaming. He finally came to see me after refusing to go to work and confining himself in his room for the past couple of months. Mrs. N is a 40 year old housewife. She reluctantly accepted 2 jobs for the Parent-Teacher Association (PTA) at the school where her child attends. She was doing her best on the assignments and everything was fine until some trivial problems went wrong. She was misunderstood by the other PTA members and the facts were twisted further. She has been depressed since then. Now she can neither answer the phone nor get out of the house. The common factor between these two people is that they have endured a difficult and stressful situation with patience and obedience without giving themselves credit. As a result, they have both been spiritually and emotionally broken; they have low self-esteem and self reproach originally that makes the process hasten further. In other words they lack compassion and consideration for themselves in this situation. They believe they are worthless. In Buddhism, there is a lesson about Nohnin (): patience while praising oneself. This is an alias of Buddha as well. At first glance, the word is similar to patience or endurance. However, Nohnin endurance means to accept all people and their behaviors with compassion and generosity without losing your own self-dignity and self-respect. It is important to emphasize that this Nohnin patience is motivated by embracing all with generosity/big-heartedness, not by suppressing ones own feelings and lack of self-esteem. This attitude is that ones full potential has been achieved. For example, if a couple had an argument, and the husband apologized even though he did not believe he said anything wrong, in order to make peace. He expected his wife would apologize too. His wife then says:Yes you were wrong, then the husband questioned his wifes attitude then another round

of fighting began. He apologized and his goal was to make peace, but it did not work. He was swayed by her response. He reconsidered, and then he apologized to her again, while he praised himself saying how wonderful a person I am. This arose from a place of his own dignity and greatness, as a result he is at peace with his actions. Life is full of plight. Instead of being defeated by hardship we can aim to benefit from these challenges without losing our sense of self. Lets enjoy our lives as we nurture the spirit of Nohnin endurance within.

25. About Compassion Mr. T is a 25 years old gymnastic instructor who became deadlocked at work and stopped working. Since then, he lost confidence in himself. He also experiences painful palpitations and cannot sleep at night. He spends his days worrying but shows no sign of motivation to improve his life. These are typical symptoms of depression. Mr. T hates himself which is common among the depressed. I point him out to illustrate how self-denial and low self esteem exacerbate the symptoms of depression. He understands this idea momentarily but then worries that by acknowledging his depression he is being too soft on himself. He refuses medication because he is unable to accept himself as someone who depends on medication. Eventually, he did start taking anti-depressants out of uneasiness. However, he began worrying if he stopped the medication the depression would return and even get worse. Like Mr. T, many patients fall into the trap of running around the circle of negativity and cannot get out. Without exception, at the root of this vicious cycle of negative thoughts, I always detect self-denial. Recently, I rediscovered the word mercy ( love/sorrow) with deep emotion. When I read this word as love and sorrow, the meaning of the word was abstract to me. But one day, I read it as love the sorrow, as in surrounding sorrow with unconditional mercy of love and warming the grieving heart. Like many people, you might think of mercy as sacrificing oneself to help and protect other people. However, it is very important to know that only when you can accept the worst of yourself with mercy can you truly help and protect others. So, I advised Mr. T that real courage is to accept the worst qualities of yourself. Say aloud with determination that you love yourself even if you are scared and uneasy, and hug yourself with a warm merciful heart of mind. Mr. T is now working much more comfortably than before, and is amazed how much he is enjoying the work he once truly hated.

26. Persona Persona is Latin and acts as the root of words like personality and person. Originally it meant a mask worn by a theatrical character. Nowadays, it often describes a widely adopted image of different roles in society; for example, a teacher or a doctor. The persona represents the outer part that is the ideal and not the persons true inner character. Every one seems to have both outer and inner parts within oneself. In other words, people possess ideal and true intentions within themselves. Persona is a manifestation of the outer parts of oneself. Especially among respectable and accomplished people, the persona sometimes overwhelms who they really are and they lose their ability to be true to themselves. I have noticed the same strong persona among my patients as well. Their ability to listen to their own inner voice has been weakened because they have paid too much attention to their role of catering to other peoples expectations and suppressing their true intentions. Ms. I in her late twenties worked for a company. She suffered from anxiety with public speaking and meeting clients that she eventually stopped working. She came to see me when she no longer could stand her lethargy and home confinement. Two years prior, Ms. I had been treated for depression for a year. Although she is depressed, her face is smiling all the time. Even when she is down or angry, she has kept her face smiling in front of people and eventually it is as if her persona has molded onto her face. After two years of exercises in expressing her inner intentions, Ms. I has comfortably taken her persona off her face. She has evolved to a point where she was able to send a Dear John letter to her boyfriend. She became more appropriate and assertive with her supervisor. While she talks about how much she has changed, her face grows brighter with confidence.

27 . A Catch in Self Sacrifice Ms. S is in her 30s and was elected president of her local PTA last year. She was a hard working person to begin with and since her election, has devoted herself even more to the organization. In fact, she was putting too much pressure on herself to meet expectations. She eventually fell into depression and resigned her post. When another person took over her position, she criticized herself for her inabilities and felt guilty about not meeting her own expectations and became more depressed. She came to see me accompanied with her husband. There are many people like Ms. S in this world. Instead of the challenge bringing out the best in self and others, these men and women believe that self-sacrifice is the true way of righteousness. They then blame themselves further for eventual failure and sickness saying I am not worth living. I am better off dead. One of the reasons to become a victim of self-sacrifice is that it is considered as a virtue in Japanese culture. Japanese men and women are raised with the virtues of humbleness, modesty, humility, reserved disposition, patience, and endurance. They are also told, Dont depend on someone, get along with others, dont get carried away, dont be conceited, and dont over indulge. All of these mandates are about dont express yourself, but suppress yourself and they encourage self-sacrifice. In my practice, I detect that these types of social standards embedded in Japanese culture are deeply connected to peoples depression. I advised Ms. S with my honest opinion that this is a good opportunity to notice that you have indeed treated yourself poorly by placing other people before you and always convincing yourself If I just endure this plight or as long as I endure myself everything will be fine. The depression itself is calling upon you and telling you how wrong you have treated yourself. I truly feel that the ailment gives an opportunity to redirect ones life. It is my greatest pleasure to hear from my patient If I would have been living that life without becoming sick, I would have felt frightened. I feel grateful for being sick.

28. The Origin of Well Behaved Child A mother came to see me for a consultation about her son M, a high school senior. M, whose disposition appears quiet and well behaved, has lately become rebellious towards his mother. He refuses to eat a meal together and takes it into his own room. In school, though, M is active, cheerful, and gets along with his friends. The mother suspects that he is jealous of the close relationship she has with his younger brothers. With the birth of the second child when M was 2, he regressed and behaved like an infant. When the third son was born, the mother slept between the second and the third sons leaving M out of the circle. Although the mother felt sorry for M, because he had always been quiet and behaved, she felt at ease somehow and did not foresee any problems. This kind of problem is not uncommon. She is rather fortunate to see him rebel during the early stages of his life. Those who rebel much later in life have the higher possibility of suffering from serious problems like depression, reclusion, paranoia, antisocial behavior, and panic disorder. The first child experiences a relative interruption of parental love upon the arrival of a younger brother or sister. In order for him or her to regain the parents interest, a child can go one of three ways; acting like an infant to be taken care of, bullying younger siblings to be chided, or being an overly good child to be praised. The first two actions are created to attract instant parental attention. The last action of being a good child, however, only makes the parents feel easy, thereby less attention will be paid on the child. The child then tries harder to be a good child and unnecessarily suppresses him or herself as a result. The better he or she becomes, the less attention the parents give to the child. Thus the vicious cycle of the good child pattern is established. The break down of the cycle becomes conspicuous during the teenage period or even worse if it drags into adulthood with various problems.

29. No Work, No food Every society has values. What is important in one culture, however, may not be in another. Depending on what is valued, something that is universal in all societies may have two very different meanings. For example, the Japanese has a clich One who does not work should not be fed. In contrast, the Latin people believe one works for pleasure. Mr. T, 45 years old, had numbness in his head since he fell 2 years ago. It eventually developed into a severe occipital headache. He thought he was too tired, took one month off from work and the symptoms disappeared. Once he started working again the numbness and headache came back at once. He went to see a doctor and took another sick day off. All the while, Mr. T was not really rested and relaxed but worrying about being in trouble with the company and was anxious to return as soon as possible. When he did return to work, he worked at a slower pace and with less of a work load. Since he is frequently absent from work, his income was halved. I always tell the following anecdote. There is a horse that is overworked and exhausted. After a little break, the owner thinks it is enough and lets the horse work. The horse, however, slows down because she is not fully recovered but still tired. Then, the owner thinks the horse is lazy and useless. The owner whips the horse to work. The horse stops working, and the owner whips. If this were repeated, would there be any hope that the horse will be fully recovered one day? This sounds terrible for the horse, but serious people like Mr. T are doing the same to themselves. Strangely enough, these people do not recognize how torturous it is. Behind this mentality, I detect the cruel value of One who does not work should not be fed that is indeed driving people crazy. Like Latin people, if the purpose of work is for pleasure, there will be no craziness. As written in the proverb, The world is where people enjoy their lives, my wish is that we enjoy working and life at the same level of playing where everything is for pleasure.

30. Two Ways of Cooperation

Miss K is in her mid twenties and working for a corporation. She has been treated for stress induced bulimia caused by difficult relationships at the work place. She easily becomes irritated and when that happens, she sometimes cuts her wrist. Her creed towards work is to cooperate with everybody including supervisors and co-workers. She, however, is not successful in doing so. The more she is inclined to cooperate, the more she becomes nervous, and as a result, she ends up in failure or being avoided by people. According to Miss K, cooperation means getting along with other people while suppressing her honest opinions and emotions. Not only Miss K but many people fall into this pitfall. In Japan, a well known clich Harmony earns respect is prevalent and we value team work and cooperation. However, cooperation comes in two ways: one that suppresses the individuals true colors and uniqueness like Miss K, and another that appreciates uniqueness and true colors. The former type of cooperation will result in a group that is not harmonious. The pitfall is that team work and cooperation require unselfishness to a degree but when exceeded, uniqueness will be lost. In the movie titled The Seven Samurais directed by Akira Kurosawa, the seven samurai worriers protect the village that was repeatedly looted by outlaw samurais. A group of seven samurais, where each samurai has his own unique expertise, exquisitely collaborates with strong unity and finally saves the village. As it is shown in the movie, real cooperation should be collaborated based on each persons uniqueness that is understood and respected. Only then can true cooperation be implemented.

31. Inner Intention and Outer Expression There are people who are overly fearful of hurting or disrupting the feelings of others. In order to avoid this they agree to everything their counterpart says and never express their own feelings. At some point, however, they cant keep it up any further and eventually the relationship goes sour. I have seen many patients who have gone through this situation. Their mentality is obsessive fear of being rejected by others. For example, lets say 9 out of 10 people give you praise except one who criticizes you. You are then disturbed by this single criticism and lose your sense of security. In order to attain one hundred percent acceptance, you suppress your own opinion and blindly accept the common and idealistic views of everyone else. What would it be like associating with a person like the one mentioned above? He/she will certainly be unpleasant to be friends with and the relationship will never go beyond the superficial. Eventually I will not be so eager to continue the relationship. On the other hand, people who are at the top of their class, have integrity, and are authentic will simply express their own opinions and ideas without worrying if they will be accepted. As for the listener, he or she will appreciate this honesty even if the comment may be hurtful at the moment as long as it is wholeheartedly addressed. In fact, with cordiality and honesty, both parties can establish a trusting and true friendship. No wonder these people have many close friends. My hope is that we develop a nurturing environment where we care for ourselves and others with an honest expression of our thoughts.

32. Worth of Failure S is a high school senior and currently preparing for the college entrance examination. Since he did not do well in his end of term examinations, he is disgusted with himself and is not eager in his studies. Sometimes he feels like his friends are gossiping about him. It is obvious to him that he will fail the college entrance examination if he can not keep up and do better. The more he worries, the more obsessed he becomes. He has a history of the same problem, during the year he was preparing for the high school entrance examination. At that time, he consulted a psychiatrist for mental instability and insomnia. S is not the only one. It is in fact quite normal to experience uneasiness and nervousness out of the fear of possible failure when people face tough problems such as an entrance examination. As a matter of fact, like S, the more they fear failure, the more they back themselves into the corner. The other day, an article about Soichiro Honda, the founder of Honda automobile company, caught my attention. In the article, he recalled that 99% was a series of failures that was followed by 1 % of what I call my current success. This comment reminded me of a game I used to enjoy when I was little. It was a race to build a tower by piling up mud pies made from sand. The highest one won. Most of the time I could only go 2 or 3 pies before it collapsed. If I were to succeed in stacking 10 pies without fail and making the tower 3 feet tall, it would indeed have been a big accomplishment, but the tower was so fragile without any support at the bottom and could collapse with one stroke. In comparison, as one pie tumbles down on top of previous attempts, it would eventually lead to a solid wide foundation like the foot of Mt. Fuji. A tower completed on a foundation like this will not collapse so easily. We tend to desire an error-free life and feel even 10% of failure as hopeless. The greatness of Soichiro Honda is, needless to say, that he continuously believed in himself while he was piling up 99% of trials and errors without giving up on himself. This is simply admirable.

33. Its OK. Just Fine as It Is. There is a noticeable common character among serious and hard working people in which they are constantly telling themselves, it is not good enough, I should do better. They do not notice when things are fine. However, when they hit a roadblock of failure or illness, they almost always mumble this is not ok. They continue and most likely will end up failing, because they are acting on impatience and anxiety. They end up becoming victims of a vicious cycle. There is a psychological term called fundamental trust. If a child develops fundamental trust and peace with surrounding people, especially their mother prior to turning a year old, this will positively affect the childs development thereafter. If a child could not develop this fundamental trust for some reason, it will trigger various problems and sickness later in life. In essence, this fundamental trust becomes the foundation of human growth and the condition of good health and happiness is derived from it. I have heard how to save one from drowning when losing control in a rapid stream. Out of anxiety of being drowned, you may frantically try to swim towards the bank. Despite your efforts, you exhaust yourself and drown. The only way to survive is to relax your whole body. The body floats when relaxed so you flow with the water long enough. There is a chance to be rescued down the river. It is critical when facing difficult problems and feeling deadlocked to have the courage to accept yourself as you are and say its ok, it is just fine as it is. With the possession of fundamental trust and peace you can feel strong. This is a great starting point to overcoming difficulties in the future.

34. Can You List 100 Good Points About Yourself? What is your first reaction when you read this title? Please remember it and start reading the following. We are unconsciously observing ourselves. Normally we are unaware of this self-observation but it surfaces when we become ill or face failure. In fact, our meaning of life and value is determined by whether we see ourselves positively or negatively. Lets say, for instance, there is a boy named Taro who is in the first grade at the elementary school. Teacher A evaluates him cold-heartedly and sees him as a problematic child. He has a couple of good points but all the rest are bad. On the other hand, teacher B observes him as excellent. He brings problems here and there, and this is proof that he is a fulfillment of energy and his future is very bright. He easily has more than 100 good points. If you were Taro, which class would you like to be in? In teacher As class, you may rebel or feel shrunk and strained, while in teacher Bs class, you may feel safe and encouraged to grow further with your uniqueness. Whether you observe teacher A or B will come to light when you try to find 100 good points about yourself. If you are evaluating yourself like teacher A, who is critical and cold-hearted, it is impossible to find 100 good points about yourself. However, if you are able to find 100 good points without a problem, you are indeed looking at yourself with a warm and kind heart like teacher B. When you are sick, recovery will be difficult as long as you are looking down at yourself and criticizing. Realize that how you look at yourself matters and then change the way you see yourself. This is the essence for the cure and I have seen many patients who are resuscitated by understanding the importance of positive observance.

35. Stuffed Toy Animal Treatment I have observed that healthy and successful people have characters commonly observed in children. They are very friendly, charming, and show their true colors. On the other hand, those who keep their distance from others and are prone to be misunderstood suppress and hide their honest feelings and intentions. The numbers of young people who have difficulties in relationships are endless, and they almost always complain about how no one understands me. There are some similar patterns and they roughly come into two types: one who is unsocial and withdrawn, and one who excessively tries to be nice to surrounding people. The common ground for both types is that their honest feelings, opinions, and intentions are not properly conveyed. It is quite obvious that no one can understand the other unless their true feelings are properly expressed. However, the problem is that in many of these cases, they are not even aware of what their true feelings are. I urge these people to have a stuffed toy animal treatment in order for them to find and to raise their own inner child. Get the stuffed toy animal, the fluffier the better to hug, and give it a name. Then, speak to it as many as 30 times a day. During the night, snuggle and sleep with it. At first, you may feel strange and shy. This is because you are accustomed to suppressing that inner child instead of embracing it. Lately, a snuggle pillow is getting very popular, and one of the most popular is a drooping eyed panda. This certainly has an effect of the stuffed toy animal treatment.

36. Two Ways of Hard Work I recently read a book which presented two different ways of describing ganbaru (hard work). One way is stubbornly (gan)-tensed (baru) mode and the other face (gan)-bright (baru) mode. These days many Japanese baseball players like Matsui, Ichiro, and Nomo to name a few are in the spotlight playing for the American league. Even though they were very popular and well-accepted playing in Japan, they still left to play in the United States, the home of baseball. I am certain that they left not for fame or money, but for the self-actualization. On the other hand, I remember one marathon player T who challenged his own limit as well and was awarded a bronze medal during the Tokyo Olympic game. He was praised by the media and the Japanese people, and was given high expectations for a gold medal in the next Olympic game. T, a hard worker to begin with, worked harder to meet everyones expectations without fail. He ended his own life with the suicide note I cant run any more. Im sorry for not being able to fulfill your expectations. Both Matsui and T are working hard. However, Matsui is working hard for himself in the face-bright ganbaru mode while T is working hard not for himself but for others in the stubbornly-tense ganbaru mode. In other words, the hard work associated with face-bright mode is to make the most of one self while the stubbornly-tense mode implies suppressing oneself and enduring needlessly. I introduce these two anecdotes to patients during counseling and ask them, Which ganbaru have you been practicing? Most of them answer stubbornly-tensed and see enduring hard work as simply good virtue. I wish them to work hard with face- bright mode from now on.

37. To Learn to Love Yourself Completely

The relationship you have with yourself can be similar to one between a teacher and student. Take the example of first grader Hanako. She is bright, happy, and positive and wants to learn. She excels in academics and sports, is kind to her classmates, and shows a natural tendency to be a leader. Her teacher cannot help but adore and favor this exuberant student.

However, one day Hanako commits a big mistake which causes her to become quite depressed. Her grades fall and she retreats into her shell and is a shadow of her former self.

Instead of attempting to bring Hanako out of her melancholy, the teacher begins to dislike his student. He sees her terrible grades, gloomy attitude and lack of drive as a negative influence on the rest of his class and wishes for Hanako to be transferred to another class. He begins to resent his former favorite student and treats her coldly, which in turn does not help Hanako. She becomes more depressed, and starts to rebel against others.

Those who like certain aspects of their personality and despise the other not so desirable qualities have relationships with themselves that can be compared to that of Hanako and her teacher. In the same way that Hanako will have a hard time coming out of her despair with an unsupportive teacher, those who only like themselves partially will have a complicated time getting through lifes challenges without falling into some kind of self-loathing.

For example, those who are unable to go to work due to severe depression experience a never ending cycle of self-pity which leads to more sadness. Parallel to the way the teacher adores the successful Hanako and dislikes the depressed Hanako, the adult self and the inner child are at conflict with each other. When this occurs, it is easy to see how the despair can get so serious that many contemplate ending their life.

One way to break out of this cycle is to move Hanako out of this class and into another where despite her low grades and lack of popularity among her classmates her teacher still accepts her and loves her. Even though

others may make fun of her and bully her, this new teacher protects her and believes in her no matter what. In this kind of nurturing environment Hanako has a chance to relax. And with this moment of peace comes the key to Hanakos recovery.

Many view recovery as the visible change seen when ones demeanor goes from dark and depressed to happy and bright. However, I believe that true healing occurs when we change how our inner adult/teacher sees the inner child within all of us. We can all make a conscious decision to either be the cold and hateful teacher or the warm and loving teacher. To improve our relationship with ourselves, we all need to see ourselves through the eyes of the warm and loving teacher.

Our inner child can fluctuate easily and quickly from successful and likeable to miserable and dejected. It is impossible to go through life without making any mistakes or feeling blue. It is important to keep treating ourselves like the warm and loving teacher and to accept ourselves in any condition, no matter how successful or depressed we may be feeling at the moment.

What I have been working on in my practice is to help my clients cultivate the warm and loving teacher in all of us and by doing so change the way we see and treat ourselves in different situations. However this is very hard for someone to do after so many years of supporting the cold and hateful teacher within themselves. To get started, the first step in their recovery involves saying out loud positive affirmations. Apologizing to yourself for being so judgmental and unforgiving and then voicing out I love you, instead of you use your first name, to that inner child can set in motion the healing process.

Even though the client may not believe in what they are saying at first, after many repetitions the mind starts to shift and they begin to truly believe. I advise my patients to say I love you to themselves at least once every 5 minutes. I also tape each session and have them listen to them at home so the idea of the treatment is always on the back of their mind.

Most clients tell me that after about the 10th playback of their session they finally start to understand what I have been saying. When

hearing one idea over and over, it seems that eventually they understand the concept through mind and body. In the same way, after repeating I love you over and over to themselves, the patients are less resistant to the idea and accept it fully without too many questions. They experience that a-ha moment when all of a sudden it all makes sense and what once was just positive affirmations are now truths within themselves.

Binder101 The root cause of fighting between Married Couple02 Compassion and Self Sacrifice03 Right Moderation Ii Kagen04 The Lion Type and the Mouse Type05 The Art of Cherishing Oneself06 The Eyes That Evaluate Self07 Revival of Family08 Mind Era10 A Good Child and a Mischievous Child11 Family Relationships12 A Word of Courage13 A mysterious principle14 Authoritarianism and Humanitarianism[1]15 The pitfalls of Perfectionism16 Strength of Feeling Pleasure When Failing17 Courageous Person18 The root cause of Confinement Syndrome19 The Grasshopper and the Ant20 Play vs Seriousness21 Can't Love the Eldest Child22 The Power to Motivate People23 Reset24 Patience while Destroying Oneself or Praising Oneself25 About Compassion26 Persona27 A Catch in Self Sacrifice28 The Origin of 'Well Behaved Child'29 No work No food30 Two Ways of Cooperation31 Inner Intention and Outer Expression32 Worth of Failure33 It's OK. Just Fine as It Is34 Can you list 100 good points about yourself[1]35 Stuffed Toy Animal Treatment36. Two Ways Of ' Hard Work'37. Learning To Like Yourself Completely

37. Learning To Like Yourself Completely