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52 | diversions AUTUMN 2018

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's roundtable was Sir Cumference. He acquired hissize from too much pi.

2. I thought I observed an eye doctor on anAlaskan island, but it turned out to be anoptical Aleutian.

3. She was only a lowly bootlegger, but heloved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated fromalgebra class, because it was a weapon ofmath disruption.

5. No matter how much you push theenvelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies beside a roadand was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a French kitchenwould result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms were in a race. Theyended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist campwall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies likebananas.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One

said to the other: "You stay here. I'll go ona head."

13. I wondered why the baseball kept gettingbigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centersaid: "Keep off the Grass".

15. The midget fortune-teller who escapedfrom prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas andpepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.18. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts.

In feudalism, it's your count that votes.19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got

their first taste of religion.20. If you jumped off a bridge in Paris, you'd

be in Seine.21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons

boarded an airplane. The stewardess toldhim, "I'm sorry, sir! Only one carrionallowed per passenger.

22. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly,so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisinglyit sank, proving once again that you can'thave your kayak and heat it too.

23. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says,"I've lost my electron". The other says "Areyou sure?" The first replied, "Yes, I'mpositive.

24. Did you hear about the Buddhist whorefused Novocain during a root canal? Hisgoal: transcend dental medication.

25. Then...There was the person who sent tenpuns to their friends with the hope that atleast one of the puns would make themlaugh. No pun in ten did.

And a special add-in:

What did the bra say to the top hat? You go onahead and I'll give these two a lift!

And what about the newspaper advertisement:“For sale, Alsatian puppy. Eats anything, loveschildren.”

Humerus:Div 2018/03/21 9:06 AM


WHERE DID THEINSPIRATION COME FROM?



An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!

'What powerful rivers!

'What beautiful animals!

He said to himself.

Suddenly, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look . . . and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge

towards him.

He ran as fast as he could along the path.

He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing

on him ....

He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even

closer ....

and then ..... He tripped and fell.

Rolling over to pick himself up, he found the bear was right on

top of him .....

reaching towards him with its left paw ...

and raising the right paw to strike ...

At that instant the Atheist cried out,

'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped ...

The bear froze .....

The forest was silent ....

A bright light shone upon the man, and a voice came out of

the sky ...

"You deny my existence for all these years, you teach others I

don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident ....

Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?"

"Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light ....

"It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat

me as a Christian now ...

but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"

... a pause ...

"Very well," said the voice ...

The light went out.

The sounds of the forest resumed ...

And the bear dropped his right arm ....

brought both paws together ....

bowed his head & spoke ...

"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive!



When the “F” word truly wasacceptableThere are only 11 times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use

11. "What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?" - Capt. EJ. Smith of RMS Titanic, 191210. "What the @#$% was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 19459. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" - George Custer, 18778. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." - Albert Einstein, 19387. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" - Picasso, 19266. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 15664. "Where the @#$% are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 19373. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC2. "Aw c’mon Monica. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" - Bill Clinton, 19981. "There is no @#$%ing way Trump will ever become President" - Hilary Clinton 2016

Sherlock HolmesHolmes and Watson went to sleep after a long day’s camping. Hours later

Holmes woke his friend.“Watson, look at the sky. What do you see?”

“I see millions of stars.”“What does that tell you?”

“Astronomically, I observe Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce the time is3:15am. Theologically, I see God is all powerful. What does it tell you?”Holmes replied “Watson, it tells me someone has stolen our tent!”


Albert EinsteinAmelia EarhartElizabeth Taylor

Paul NewmanAlfred Hitchcock, 1920’sVincent van Gogh

John WayneBonnie Parker and Clyde BarrowSophia Loren




1. Pharmacist to a customer: "Sir, please understand,

to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper

prescription...simply showing your marriage

certificate and wife's picture is not enough."

2. A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a

woman "Which book has helped you most in your life?"

The woman replied "My husband’s cheque book!"

3. A prospective husband in a book store "Do you have

a book called, "Husband: the Master of the House"?

Sales Girl: Certainly Sir, you'll find it under 'Fiction

and Comics’ on the 1st floor!

4. Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years,

you still call your wife darling, honey, luv... What’s

the secret?"

Old man: "I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her."

5. Wife: I wish I was a newspaper so I’d be in your

hands all day.

Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper...so

I could have a new one every day!

6. Husband to wife: Today is a fine day. Next day

he says: Today is a fine day. Again, the next day,

he says the same thing: Today is a fine day.

Finally, after a week, the wife can’t take it and

asks her husband "Since last week, you have

been saying, 'Today is a fine day’. I am fed up.

What’s the matter?"

Husband: "Last week when we had an argument,

you said, 'I will leave you one fine day’ I was just

trying to make sure you remembered."

7. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you

can be sure that either the car is new, or the wife.

8. What's the difference between stress, tension

and panic?

Stress is when wife is pregnant;

Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant;

Panic is when both are pregnant!

9. A young boy asks his Dad: "What is the difference

between confident and confidential?"

Dad says: "You are my son, I'm confident about

that. Your friend over there is also my son; that is

confidential!"


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