Discovering me - Combination of books 1 and 2 (by category)

7/31/2019 Discovering me - Combination of books 1 and 2 (by category)

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DISCOVERING ME- A PERSONALUNDERSTANDING ANDDISOVERY OF WHAT IT

MEANS TO HAVEASPERGERS(A book of poems and other musings – Combination of Book 1 and 2 [2012-08-20])

By Emma Jane



This book is a combination of books 1 and 2 of Discovering me – A personal understanding of whatit means to have Aspergers. In the front they are listed by category and alphabetical in the index atthe back. The reason for this is to try and make it a bit easier for someone to find a poem they want.But also hopefully make it easier to see what one with Aspergers is possibly dealing with. Or for someone with Aspergers to get their message across about it. Remember the symptoms are so varied,making it difficult to diagnose. Also the symptoms are sometimes shared with other conditions.Which some they may have, while others are mistakenly identified as so. Not realising it is theAspergers that is causing it.

I myself have Aspergers. These poems are of my experiences. Many who have seen it on the sites if have put them on, who have the condition too, say they identify with the poems. But remember this isAspergers from my point of view. But there are many points of view, as there are many pointsaround a circle looking in to it's center, so are the views of others who experience it. But hopefullythis will help give you a glimpses into our world.

I have included the Forwards of both books, as I believe it will help you in some way understandwhere I am coming from as you read the poems. Please note that because the poems are in categoriesthere will be quite a few repeats if you read it from cover to cover. This is because most deal withmore than one issue.

The amazing part of these poems is that it was only just under two years since the pieces of the puzzle began to fall into place of what was going on with me. Before then I didn't have or know how to getthe words out. Now the words fills many pages and more are still coming.

Emma Jane

http://oald8.oxfordlearnersdictionaries.com/search/?q=category

http://oald8.oxfordlearnersdictionaries.com/search/?q=category



FORWARD FOR BOOK 1This book of poems and other musings of my life are dedicated to my parents. Though many of the

poems and musings express anger or frustration of things I was experiencing. It was of no fault of my parents. They knew something was off but had no idea. Even those they took me to try and find outwhat was going on, couldn't tell them. They did their best with what information they had.

I myself couldn't express to them what was going on. I didn't understand what was happening and or had no words to describe it or took it to be normal, despite the problems it gave me. For no oneseemed to be struggling with this like me. When I did try to tell others by words that I could expressor by my actions, I was told to get over myself or was given a look, that made me feel like I wantedthe ground to swallow me whole. My reaction to this was to keep quite, put my head down and carryon. Even all these years later and only after eventually getting a diagnosis of a sort (The person Iwent to, turned out not to believe it is a condition and refused to give it stated on paper), I am onlynow starting to learning the words to describe what has happened to me and is still happening to me.Most times when I do, it takes a while. That's why I write it down, it is easier than trying to say itface to face.

Yet my parents raised me with love and lots of answered prays. Despite not know what was wrong.Both my parents went out of their way never to give us kids any labels. The way they raised me andmy brother, in many respects the way that was ahead of its time for the norm. Which when I lookedup how to raise children with Aspergers, they had done exactly all the right things and more!Including the use of computers and this is without the guidance of professionals in this field! Youmust remember this was the early 80's and it was a very rare thing to have a computer in the home.The use of computers for Aspergers was most likely not even on the radar for people else where either

at the time either. Because of what my parents did many of my symptoms are not as severe as theycould have been.

If I did do something that was different, the only thing they would say was 'you think out of the box.'As I have read more and more on the subject of Aspergers, I have come to realise that despite some of the problems in some regards it gives me. It is just figuring out how to use those 'problems' andturning what could be a potential problem into an advantage. Though I must admit this can take awhile at times and have and will be bumping my head more than a few times as I figure things out.

UPDATE: Since writing many of the poems. I have overcome many of the feelings or suspicionshave been confirmed to be real about what else was affecting me as a part of Aspergers, as I now have

been officially confirmed to have it.



FORWARD FOR BOOK 2To those that have read my first book of poems dealing with my personal journey into understandingof what it means to have Aspergers. I hope you will like these poems too. You may notice that someof the poems are similar in theme to others I have written, only from a different angle or the issue wasonly fleetingly mentioned before. The reason I have included them, is this. Aspergers is a verycomplex experience for me. Ask any who has it, I am sure they will respond the same. Which in turnalso makes me more complex to others in return. No one fully understanding who I am.

But I too, in many respects am still figuring out what is and is not related to my condition and how itis affecting me in what way. And I wish to let others see this and some of my very deep thoughts thatin some ways I cannot say face to face even to my loving parents. Knowing some of it may hurtthem. It may make them feel guilty at not been able to do more. Even though they went beyond whatmost would have done and more. So under another name I can let it all out, with no one knowing it isme. At the same time feelings I have wondered if I wanted to face again, when there was no need to.I am not hiding from it but, the memories still hurt with thinking of some of the things. Though Ihave tried to not let it define me. I am me, and I just happen to have Aspergers. In some ways I think have gotten it right and in others, lets just say it is a work in progress. But if it helps another it will beworth it.

To those who have not read the first book of poems. Do so, it is also free to download. Between thisand that book you will have a better understanding. But remember each person who has this is notexactly the same as another. Thats what makes it so hard to pin point this condition as well. I canonly give you my version as I see it. But another may disagree that some of it describes their version.

A lot I have taken to be normal. No matter how strange things have gotten. Only now do I realisethey are not the way they should be. Now finding the words I am putting them to paper, in the hopesit may help others find their answers and open they eyes of others. Aspergers is a real condition, apartof the Autism spectrum and not one's imagination as some seem to think. Even by some misguided

professionals and there are many out there. It cannot be cured, but we can learn to survive society inour own way. Sometimes we can fool you into thinking we are just like you. But other times youknow we are not.

Gain an education. Before you may have to learn it the hard way. For the figures for those affected by this is growing. You are at a higher risk of having a child with it than when your parents had you.But even if you don't, you will have hopefully learned to accept that not everyone is like you. That

many think differently from you and even me. Who knows you may come realise that you may beone of us too.

CONTENTSPage



FRUSTRATION WITH DOCTORS A note to professionals 1Sorry we can't help you 2Woe is me 3Where have all the good doctors gone 4

COMMUNICATION Always Been Misunderstood 5An automatic reaction 5Broken Telephone 6Cannot find the words 7Difficulty in explaining 7I just am 8Ignored 9The invisible barrier 9

No imagination 10The realization 10The conversation 11The Shattered Mirror 11The 'Tantrum' 12The unwritten rules 12Unlocking the door 13When inspiration hits 13Why aren't you listening? 14

ANXIETY AND CONTROL OF ENVIROMENT Hanging on for dear life 15Are you ok? 15An Embarrassing situation 16I like order 17Mustn't be late 17Playing the pretend game 18The relevance of time 18Stressed 19The Little Girl Inside 20The slow poke 21The Pressure Cooker 22The Rat Race 22

The Tightrope Walkers 23The Terror of Responsibility 24Where is my script? 25Hermione's Bottomless Bag 26You're an adult now 27Where is the order? 28

SENSORY An Embarrassing situation 29Broken Telephone 30

The Shattered Mirror 30Dealing with Smells 31Lemonade 32



Do I know you? 33Look at me 33Make-up 34Please don't touch me that way 35Recognition 36Recognition - part 2 - The experiment 38

Shopping for clothes 39The Baptism 40Sparkly things 41The Food Minefield 42The car ride 43The dance 43The sound of an argument 44The picky eater 44The Troublesome Toothbrush 45Why arent you listening? 45Tintin the Movie 46What on earth is going on? 47Wonderings of what will be 48You got lost....where? 49

MOTOR SKILLS I don't want to play Tennis 50Mind your manners 51Move faster 52The dance 52Paperless is better 53The Clumsy one 54The lesson of the Roller Skates 55

WRITING AND SPELLING Box A or B 56I hate forms 57Paperless is better 58Spelling 59

HYPER FOCUS The Bee in my Bonnet 60

Cleaning House 61The Collection Bug 62The unquiet mind 63Tired 64

IMAGINATION Fragile Writings 65

No imagination 65The Little Girl Inside 66The realization 67

MATURITY Always lagging behind 68Playing with children 68



Stuck in time 69The longing 70The Terror of Responsibility 71You're an adult now 72

MEMORY

A Flash of Brilliance 73Recognition 74Recognition - part 2 - The experiment 76An Embarrassing situation 77The Collection Bug 78

QUESTIONS THAT BAFFLE An automatic reaction 79Feelings 79Box A or B 80I just am 81Tattletale or Good Citizen? 82Who are you? 82Where is my script? 83Why aren't you listening? 84

FEELING SEPARATED FROM THE WORLDFeelings 85Living in between 85Friends 86Just visiting 86I am not disabled 87The Shattered Mirror 87The Alien 88The invisible barrier 88The longing 89The wall flower 90What's the point of it all? 90Where is my script? 100

HIDING SELF The Little Girl Inside 101

Hanging on for dear life 102Playing the pretend game 103The Shattered Mirror 103The look 104The Pressure Cooker 104Whats in a name? 105You don't have Aspergers 106

FRUSTRATION WITH OTHERS A Bad day to be a bully 107A Flash of Brilliance 108

An Embarrassing situation 109Blinkers 110Acceptance 111



Denial 111Do not limit me 112Finding work 112Get the message yet? 113I want to be alone 114

Now will you let me be 114

Mountains or Mole Hills 115The Ironie 115Recognition 116Recognition - part 2 - The experiment 118Shopping for clothes 119The Shattered Mirror 119Something is just not right 120The look 121The unwritten rules 121You don't have Aspergers 122

DETERMINATION – ATTITUDE A note to professionals 123Acceptance 124Do not limit me 124Do you know you are disabled 125I am a girl 126Having a positive attitude 127I am not disabled 128Which is better 128Just because I don't like it 129Out of the box 129Just plain stubborn 130Lesson of the roller skates 131The ringing doorbell syndrome 132Wonderings of what will be 133You inner strength 134

MISCELLANEOUS A Very Different Student 135

INDEX 136



FRUSTRATIONWITH

DOCTORS



A NOTE TO PROFESSIONALS

Getting a diagnosisDoes not mean the end of my world

Getting a diagnosisDoes not mean I will give up on life

Getting a diagnosisDoes not mean I will use it as an excuse to do nothing

Getting a diagnosisDoes not mean I will expect everyone to wait hand and foot on me

Getting a diagnosisDoes not mean I will live my life recklessly

And blame it on my condition

Getting a diagnosisMeans things make more senseUnderstanding why you do the things you do

Getting a diagnosisMeans I can get help when I need it

Getting a diagnosisMeans I can learn to work around the problem where possible

Remember if you don't acknowledge that there is a problem, how can you deal with it?

Getting a diagnosisMeans people are more understanding if I struggle with something

Getting a diagnosisMeans I can be free to be meAnd not have to pretend I am something I am not

Getting a diagnosisMeans I can make informed decisions in my lifeOn what I can and should doWithout it things could go badly

SO WHY THE HECK ARE YOU PEOPLE SO RELUCTANT TO GIVE ME ONE?You are here to help

Not hurtYou took an oath remember?

1



SORRY WE CAN'T HELP YOU

You have a happy and healthy childBut of late you notice something is off At first you instincts as a parent lets you know

Then you worst fears are now seenYour child has changed in subtle waysYour child seems more distantDoesn't like to be touched as much

The fear grips you insideYour child has been abusedThis cannot be!You begin to look for suspectsBut you find none

If your child has not been abusedWhy is your child reacting this way?Expert after ExpertYou get the same resultsThey shrug their shouldersSorry we can't help you

Now what do you do?There is something happening to your childBut what?

You take each challenge as it comesIt is trial and error You pray a lotWhich really helps

As the years go byYou try some more expertsBut their answer is the sameSorry we can't help you

Years later You get the answer Your child is fully grownThe reason why the experts didn't seeThey were looking for it in its severest formYour child was way too mild to be consideredBesides all the markers were for boysYour daughter did not fit

So to all those parents out thereFacing thisHave your child tested for AutismBut make sure the expert believes in the spectrumThat milder forms are a condition too

2



But even thenUnless necessary do not let your child feel differentOnly approach their challenges differentlyHelp them do the same

When I did something differently

All my parents would sayYou thought out of the boxSaying it was good to do so

But if you still get the same answer from expertsSorry we can't help youTry another Unfortunately when you don't have something well knownOr it is mistakenly not accepted as a condition at the timeEven now many think Aspergers is not a conditionBut it is

Don't give upThings tend to take timeBut in the meantimeHelp your child the best you canWith what you do know

And most of allLet them know they are lovedMine didIt is the best thing they ever did

WOE IS ME

Woe is meThat's the reaction many psychologists and psychiatrists think you will haveYou sitting in a corner cryingWoe is meIf they acknowledge you have Aspergers

That's not trueWhat utter nonsenseI am stronger than they think I am not an ostrich like themSticking one's head in the sand never solved anything

If you deny there's a problemHow are you to face it?To know if you can learn to deal with or over come it?So to all the psychologists and psychiatrists out there that think like this.Wake up and smell the rosesAnd take your head out of the sand! 3



WHERE HAVE ALL THE GOOD DOCTORS GONE?

Where have all the good doctors gone?All we seem to find now a days is QuacksG.P.'s, P sychologists and Shrinks

We've had them allAfter so many triesWe have now found a Family Doctor He is not like the Quacks

What he does, all good doctors should doHe really listensAsks questionsFreely admits if he doesn't know or is not sureHe will go and look things up

He will even read what we have found out about the subjectHe will even try and send you to someone who may be able to help, if he cannot

Most Medical practitionersDon't do that anymoreAll they want to do is pump you full of drugsInstead of finding the causeThen trying other things first

When this wonderful doctor retiresOr leaves this earthy plain

I am going to have to try and find another But with the amount of Quacks growing out thereIt's like looking for a needle in a very expensive haystack

4



COMMUNICATION



ALWAYS BEEN MISUNDERSTOOD

You open you mouth and say somethingYet it seems no one hears youIt got lost in translation

You try once moreYou say your say againYet they still don't seem to be listeningIt got lost in translation once moreIt's got corrupted some how

How is this possible?We speak the same languageYou try a third timeIt still does not work

You are given the look or reprimanded for your troubleYour reaction to this, is to keep quietDon't make a sceneThe frustration it bringsHow do you get them to understand?

AN AUTOMATIC REACTION

You've unknowingly trained yourself wellA question is askedYou answer without thinkingBut when you take the time to think of the questionYou now realise the answer is wrong

But as you grew upYou learned your lesson wellThe answer you have givenIs the one you think that they want or the nearest to what you cannot say

Back then you had no words to describe what was happeningSo you answered without thinkingTo a script that you knew

Now you have found the right answersBut it's still hard not to answer without thinkingBut slowly that's changingHopefully one dayThere will be no answers without thinking.

5



BROKEN TELEPHONE

Playing Broken Telephone as a child is fun.In real life not so much.People don't understand.

Face to face you hearing seems to be fine.Use a telephone and you begin to play a real life version of Broken Telephone.

Don't recognise voices too eaiserly.If you know what the conversation is about you are ok most of the time.People who don't talk clearly, or have very bad accents, sound like Martians.

Need someone else to take directions to a new place you need to go.Otherwise the person will have to spell extreemly slowly each new word you don't recognise and thenyou still get lost.

People talking near you.

Crackling noises on the phone.People answering the phone in very noisy places.Background noises can make it almost impossible to hear what they are saying at times.

You have your hearing tested.The results come back, there is nothing wrong with you.

Now what?People think you are acting up or talking nonsense when you tell them you can hear, but not properlyon a phone.

Years later you see a program on hearing problems.

Your symptoms fit one of the conditions talked about.You most likely have CAPD.It means that you hear fine, but understanding its just that you can't filter out certain sounds, or distinguish certain words from each other.

Now you understand why at other times besides the telephone, you misunderstand instructions attimes or find out what you thought the singer was singing about was not what they were saying.

You have been playing Broken Telephone all along and no one had told you!

6



CANNOT FIND THE WORDS

Over the years strange things physically have happened to meBut when askedWhy did you not say something?

One could only answer one wayHow?

How do you say what you don't understandOr know what words to useEspecially when younger Then when you thought you found some wordsOnly to be find it was not what others used

Was told at timesYou're imagining things

Get over itOr if by chance you got them to understand in some wayThey didn't believe it was as bad or as restrictingAs you made it out to be

I have now slowly begun to learn the words others use for my experiencesBut when it's happeningAll words go out the windowI am just trying to fight it's effectsTrying not to loose what control I have

DIFFICULTY IN EXPLAINING

Others talk with easeExplaining their world to othersI have extreme difficulty with this

Speaking face to face about my world

This is not for meBut have found it best to writeWhat you want from me

It takes time to answer as best as I can doOf what you want from meBut even then I do not always get it right

7



I JUST AM

Some have asked questions about myself Many I cannot answer

No matter how I try

Like asking how I do thingsOr overcome problemsEr...Which specific problem?Which specific incident?Your question is too generalYou are causing me to freeze in indecisionOverloading my brainToo many things all running around in there at the same time

Now no answers will come

When it come to questions about emotionsI know I have themI feel themBut their names sometimes elude meOr the words to say to another Unable to describe themEven if you ask specific questionsThat just require me to say yes or noI just am

Interacting with peopleOn the surface seems fineBut look closer Things are notThe way I reactThe way I do things

But I do not realise many a timesOnly when others say somethingOr give me a look I do knowI have done something wrongI have done something weirdI just am

Even when you try to ask your questionMore directlyMore clearlyEven then many of the questions you ask still baffle meI cannot find the wordsI don't know why I react or do it that wayI just am

8



IGNORED

We are standing in a groupI am standing right next to youYou respond to what others say

But when I say somethingYou carry on as if I had not

Do I have a superpower?To be invisible?Talk above what others can hear normally?

No, I think not

For crying out loud I am the same age as youYet you react to me like I was a childTo be ignored

Who's opinion about this matter does not matter Like I am not even here

I am not invisibleI have a voiceI do matter So why do react as if I don't?

THE INVISIBLE BARRIER You see the worldYou want to take partYou want to connectBut you're unable to do soThere's an invisible barrier between

You are unable to tellWhat you want or you need

When you tryThe message doesn't get throughThere's an invisible barrier between

People can't seem to see it or understandBut it is there

No matter how much you or they try to deny itThere's an in visible barrier between

At times it's like watching a playYou are there as things happenBut you cannot take partThere's an in visible barrier between

9



NO IMAGINATION?

Many people say that those with Aspergers have no imaginationIs that so?

No it is not

Mine is just differentMine does not always come quickly

True mine was structured to some degreeMy playmobile dolls had to be the same colour for familiesOur lego was was mostly to do with cops and the hospitalBarbie and Ken were family orientated storiesBut so what?There are so many variations to what each of those story lines could be.

As I got older stories began to run around in my head

But how to put it to paper?I didn't know howIt took years, before I began toIt is still takes time at times.

It comes in wavesSometimes seeing what others have to say about a certain subject helpsIt unlocks the door, to let me get startedBut my imagination is there

THE REALIZATION

As I now look back on the stories I've writtenBefore I had words to describe as I do nowI have discoveredThe realization is quite shockingI already unknowingly knew the answers way back then

A lot of what my characters experienced or who they areIn some ways had a started in mineIn a way it is quite spookyAnd as I continue to uncover Understand more of what goes onI'm beginning to see more of me in these stories of mine.

10



THE CONVERSATION

ConversationsMost do it with ease

Not me

Sometimes I sound and look like a chatterboxBut I am not

Normally over things I know or like a lotThen I run out of things to sayRepeating thingsOr not saying anything at all

Talking on the net is better Not SkypingBut Typing

Conversations drawn out longer Gives time to think on how to respondGives time to think of new topics to talk aboutUnlike speaking face to faceWhere I am left speechless after a short while

Not knowing how to respond in time

But in the endThe conversation there too runs outLeaving one hoping and praying

The other person says somethingSparking another topic of conversationOne I can relate to

THE SHATTERED MIRROR

You see the reflection of the world in all its glory in your mirror

I see it in my shattered pieces as it lies upon the floor I only get to see fragments of what the world is really likeEach shard reflecting a portion of what is

Finding which piece goes whereTrying to place all the fragments together To try and get a better pictureBut even if I find all the piecesThe view of what I see is still fragmented.And of what you see of me reflecting back at you

11



THE 'TANTRUM'

I do my best not to get upset with othersI do my best to avoid the situationMost times withdrawing myself in some way

But if you do not listenIf you do not let me beGet ready for the blastJust push me one step further This puddy tat just became a tiger

This takes many by surpriseThey say they didn't see it comingI did not shout and screamI did not hurt another

But once the blast is over I withdraw myself again

People tread more carefullyFor a while that isThey seem to listen when I speak But why do I have to do it this way?To get people to listen when I speak

THE UNWRITTEN RULES

You get the look.What?You shouldn't have done that.Done what?

You broke the rules.What rules?

You don't know of any rules written down, that say you can't. Not all rules are written down.

If they are not written down, how are you supposed to know them?You just do.You have no idea what they are talking about.You get the look once more, but no one explains

12



UNLOCKING THE DOOR

A key has been turnedIt's opened a door The words are now tumbling

I've got to keep upOr all will be lost

I cannot explain itBut words are now foundHow long they will stayI do not knowSo while they are hereI'll make the most of them

Explain what I'm feeling

Explain what has beenFor tomorrow the words may be goneThe struggle returnsSo while I canHere is my voiceThis is what it means to be me

WHEN INSPIRATION HITSThe wave of inspiration hitsOh great look at the timeIt's nearly passed midnight

Most of times during the dayI'm as dry as the perverbal desertBut when it's time for bed or much later The rains begin to fall

I am greatful for these waves of inspirationThey are helping me to expressWhat was once locked away for so longBut there is just one thingWhy can't these waves of inspiration come at a more convenient time?

13



WHY AREN'T YOU LISTENING?

The teacher says something.She immediately asks you a question about it.But you are unable to respond.

She gives the questioning look of disapproval.Why you are not listening?

But I am.It's just that I can't answer right now.If she asks five minutes from now you will be able to.You know this is weird.You cannot explain it.

So you do your best not to be seen in class.The less questions you are asked the better.

It is not a nice feeling you get from the teacher as she gives you a look when she thinks you are notlistening.Yet inside you are screaming, I am listening.I just need time to think!

14



ANXIETY



HANGING ON FOR DEAR LIFE

Everyone has a part of them they do not reveal to othersOnly yours is a bit moreAs you grow up you realise you are not like everyone else

You know not whyYou have learnt to show that difference, brings looks of disapprovalYet you have broken no laws that you know of and do not understand whySo you try bury that part of as deep as you canHang onto it so tightlyFearing to let goTo do so, would mean loss of control and others seeingYou do not want those looks

The years pass and nothing changes

Then you discover why you are like you areThough you only tell only a few whyYou start to let goThe freedom it bringsThe relief The load has been lifted

But still a large part of you still wants to hang on for dear life, to that part of you that was hiddenWill you truly be able to let go?You know it will take timeBut life is much better knowing whats wrong

Denying it only makes things harder, if not, much worse

ARE YOU OK?

The tears are comingThe nose is runningAre you ok? They ask

There is no need to be upset

That's just itI am not upsetThis is very embarrassingI am just nervous

But I do not have total controlSo when I am nervousAgitated or even just slightly upsetThis is the result that you get

15



AN EMBARRASSING SITUATION

A while ago my great uncle diedMy Dad, brother and me were able to doBut not my Mom

The funeral was at such short noticeTwo days after he diedOnly to be told late the night before about itWe were expecting it to be at least a week

Took my nausea pills for the long tripTwo or so hours later we arriveThankfully not too much worse for wear Once there did I only realiseHow much I rely on my mother to unknowingly help meThough such and other family affairs

My great uncle's sons greeted us at the church gatesTook me a while to figure out which one was whichThen a lady greeted me in side by the gateI greeted politely and carried onMuch to my embarrassmentTo hear my Dad greet her by nameShe was my Aunt!

One of the wives of my uncles I had greeted outside!The look that she gave me

When I came back to apologiseEven after trying to explainAbout my problem with faces

Now a bit dazed and shocked at my blunder I continue onAnd nearly did it againThis time with the daughter of that same uncle!Thankfully my dad saved me from this oneBy greeting her first

The only reason I didn't do it again at the door of the churchWith the daughter of the other uncleShe was the only curly redhead girl I knew!

It is sometimes much less stressful to be in a room full of strangersTrying to make small talk Than be by oneself at a large family gatheringWhere not recognising facesOr remembering namesDoesn't leave you with egg on your face

16



I LIKE ORDER

While most live according to the chaos theoryI do notI like my world to be a bit more orderly

Most things in it's placeI do not mind small changesOr major ones if given time to process itBut I do not like been disruptedWhen a time limit has been placedI've got to do this in order Otherwise disaster might take place

Strange as it may beI do not like when others change my schedule

But when I do it myself, I am ok with itI guess the reason for thatIs that I can take my timeWhile with othersMost times they do not give me time.

MUST'NT BE LATE

Mustn't be late, Mustn't be late.I know the world will not fall apart if I am.But the words still are still ringing in the back of my mind.Mustn't be late. Mustn't be late.

When do you have to be there? They ask.A week or so from today.Their eye brows rise.You're packed already?It's only a two day trip.

I don't want to forget something.Time gets closer.More double checking.Is this all that I need or think I will need?The day comes closer.Mustn't be late.

I arrive at least half and hour earlier, some times more.It gives me time to think about things.Calm my nerves before we leave.But with every appointment I have, the words still ring in my head.Mustn't be late, Mustn't be late.

17



PLAYING THE PRETEND GAME

Be careful when playing the pretend gameThe objective is not to be found outIf you are

You have failed.Failure brings shame.

You mustn't let people see fully who you really are.They will not understandSo you do your bestThe 'Normal' world can be harsh if you fail.

So the facade stays rigidly in placeBut when they see though the cracks in it, panic sets in.They mustn't see all of the real you

They will not understand.So you try even harder to master the pretend game.

You hope and pray that you get through this hiccup, in the game.Relief sets in when you doTill the next hiccup crops upThen you panic once more.The pretend game is not just something to amuse one self with to pass the time.It's the difference between surviving the world out there or yours falling apart infront of everyone.The last thing you want, is to be treated like some freakish thing.

So be careful when playing the pretend gameThe objective is not to be found outIf you areYou have failed.Remember failure brings shame.

THE RELEVANCE OF TIMEOn the surfaceI understand timeWhat an hour isA day or a Year

But in reality when experiencing itThings can be very differentMany times loosing track of itYet other times I am a slave to it

18



STRESSED

Many find different ways of coping with stressful situationsWhen things happen all at the same timeOr things go badly or even slightly wrong

Mine many a times is to pull into myself Most at first do not realise it is happeningI don't start to rock or hum to myself I just become very stillThose who do noticeMay think I am distracted by something around me

But in realityThings are very differentI am fighting the rising panic

I am fighting the urge to curl into a ballBy brain is running a mile a minuteBut is frozen at the same timeTrying to figure things out

Eventually I start to be able to slow my thoughts enough to think Blundering through the situationMy body isn't responding as quickly as it shouldYet somehow most timesThankfully making it through without any major hiccupsYet leaving me drained by the experience

Admittedly at times the opposite happensI become agitatedBy the experienceEspecially if I have experienced the same situation a number of timesI have some idea of what I must doBut it is still not easyI do not cope very well with such situations to begin with

Multi-tasking is not my strong pointMany may think I do it wellBut in reality it is not soIt takes a while to figure out how to do more than one thing at a time

Like cooking different foods at the same timeSo they are ready together It takes practice and routineLike following a recipeMess up my order or timing of things and the panic begins

19



THE LITTLE GIRL INSIDE

From the outside I look like everyone elseBut inside I am not as old as I look My emotional age is much younger

But I have been able to an extent hide it from othersIt is far from easySometimes taking much effortBut it has also become a way of lifeTo protect myself from others not understandingTo the point nowDifficult to find some of those parts that I have hidTaking time now to unearth

At 15 going on 16 I still played with my dolls

Played with my Lego and PlaymobileBut I began to see that the other girls no longer didWhen they noticedThey would give a look of “what's wrong with you?”

Then I went through a very stressful part of my lifeTrying to keep up in schoolPretending more to be like the othersThe stress of it allPlaying with my toys had helped till then to de-stressBut because of the way others reacted

I no longer did it openly unless at home

But the pressure was beginning to buildAt one point I thought this was going to be too muchThen one day I found a wayTo release the pressureTo still play without anyone seeingBy going insideMy imagination became my playgroundI can do it for hours on end

But had no way of knowing how to express it to othersWhat I was thinking in thereWords to express is not my strong pointOnly years later I began to find a way to put it to paper But at first it didn't feel comfortable in doing soThen frustrated I couldn't get everything down

Even now so much is still running round this head of mineSo much I am still unable to expressEven though the number pages of what I can has grownBut there are so many different sides to the same issueThis is going to take a while

So when I get stressed I go back to the world inside my head 20



But now the worlds I have created in thereI can now start to let others seeThough when stressed the written word evades meI need to relax to get most of it out

So while others think I have matured

I am still very much a little girl insideWho has now found a way for you to join me in my playground

THE SLOW POKE

I was almost always one of the last to finish things in classIf I tried to rush it

Things would be even more untidyMy co-ordination completely out the door

While others made their decisions nowI would take my timeThink it over most carefully

While most people I know are speed freaksMost times I do not go faster than 60 k/m an hour Which most of them pass quite speedily on their way to their top speed

Everyone else is rushing, rushing, rushingI take my time on thingsI know I do take longer But it will get done

But if I tried to live my life like yoursMy world would end in shamblesThings would not get doneQuite frankly it would leave my head spinning

Not knowing what was going on.

21



THE PRESSURE COOKER

Your life has been like a pressure cooker And over timeIt has gotten worse

People expecting you to be like themPeople expecting you to be able do certain thingsEspecially at their pace

Not yours

Trying to hide the fact you cannot Not understand why you are the way you areBut when you doOh! What a relief The pressure that was building

Has now been releasedThe guilt and blame is no more

You can now say No Not feeling like you are doing wrongOr that you have failed at life somehowThings just move at a different pace for youYou will get there when the time is right for you

THE RAT RACE

Hurry, Hurry, HurryThis should have been finished yesterdayI cannot wait, I need this right NOW!People hoot for they feel the car infront of them is not going fast enough20 000 things to do and only 24 hours to do it in

For me I have no choice

But in a way its goodI have to take things slower Otherwise I will not survive

Everywhere I look Everyone is in the same rat raceThey are stressedThey become ill because of it

It may take me longer to do thingsIn the end it will get doneThe chaos and the rushingThis is not for me

22



THE TIGHTROPE WALKERS

The tightrope stretches before youIt is so thinIt is so high up

You feel dizzyYou are scaredHow are you going to get across this?You haven't been trainedYou have no idea what you are supposed to do

You look to your rightYou see your friend, who stands at his ropeHe gives you a smile and a thumbs upHe is not scaredHe can't wait to get started

You are both handed some items and told to take them to the other sideYou both take a stepThere is no going back

You hesitateYou look at your friendYour eyes grow wideHe is juggling his itemsThen he dances across like it was a 6 lane highwayHow is that possible?

The audience cheers and begs for more

You look at the ropeIt is so thinHolding on tightly to your items, you take the next stepYour balance is goingYou take a few quick steps to try to regain itYou failYou drop some of your itemsThe audience becomes quiet

You take a few steps moreYou loose your balance againThis time you fallYou catch the ropeYou cannot stand up, so you inch alongThe audience boosYou get to the endWhat a relief

You and your friend climb downHe is congratulated and carried on shouldersThose that notice you, do not look happyEveryone leaves

23



You are aloneYou look up at the tightrope of life and know tomorrow you have to do it all over againThe fear hits you againWhat if you fall once more?But you know you have no choiceSo you head out the door, fearing what the next day will bring.

THE TERROR OF RESPONSIBILITY

You're in charge nowI am what?!You're in charge nowThey repeat

The terror strikes within youThe responsibility overwhelmingI am not ready for this!

He walk awayLeaving you standing before the masses

Now what?The terror deepensWhat if I can't do this?Will they listen?

The fear of not doing it right is getting to you

Though most of them are half your age, almostYou are the one still feeling like a childYou know you have trouble remembering all of what must be taughtWill you be found out?You don't do well with crowds

You do your bestYou are more than just a nervous wreck Just when you think you are ready to crack The instructor takes over Thank goodness

He seems to sense your fear He can see that you are drowningHe has thrown you a life jacket for nowBut what of the next time?

You feel ashamedYou know you cannot hide in the shadows forever But you are not ready for this!

24



WHERE IS MY SCRIPT?

In this play of lifeOn this stageEveryone is saying and doing their parts

I try to follow and respond to those around meThe look of disapproval and disdain the give“Keep to the script,” they say.

What script?They hold up the one in their handsI look down at my hands but they are emptyI do not have a script

How do I get a script?They look at me in surprise

Not understanding why I have none

You were handed one the day you stepped on this stageIs their response

Now use it or go away

I stand there in despair What am I to do?I stand asideI began to watch

Playing detectiveSeeing a patternThen trying to follow it

Time has now passedMost times people not do not know I have no scriptBut every so often one does slip upAnd you are told once moreKeep to the script

25



HERMIONE'S BOTTOMLESS BAG

Ever watched one of the last Harry Potter Movies?Even better read the book?You will know of Hermione's bottomless bag

You can put as much as you want into itIt will never get full

The mother of someone I knowBy the way she reactsSeems to think I have one too

For whenever she sees meWhether I have come for classOr just to visit

The look of disbelief and wonder on her faceFor whatever I need comes out of my bag.And some of my items are not exactly small

But even though I may wish I had such a bagI do notBut the secret is thisPlan for what you know you will needPlan for what you think you will needAnd then someFor each and every outing

Then pack most carefullyIf you don't know howLearn to play Tetris

So if you want a bag like Hermione'sOr at least the allusion of onePlan, plan, planAnd plan some more!

26



YOU'RE AN ADULT NOW

You hear the wordsYou're an adult nowYou are 21

But inside you feel like you are still 12 years old.Things have just got harder.

The fear just got moreWill they realise that you are not as old as they think you are?.Some in the past haveWhen much younger you were not acting your age, but more of your younger brother's at times.But they said that was normal there was only 2 years difference between the 2 of you.But as the years pass you too seem to notice you are not the age inside others expect you to be.The gap ever widening, no matter how you try to hide it.You feel like a child constantly trying to play pretend.

At 21 you feel like a 12 year old who has been given adult responsibilitiesIt is very overwhelming .

Now even in your 30's, you still feel like a young child inside, trying to deal with an adult world attimes.Some times even now you feel like you are seeing things as perhaps 12, now 13, maybe 14 year oldwould see the world.Yet at other times maybe even a little older.There are times when the facade fails.The looks you get when it does, only makes you want to hide your secret more.People do not understand.

But do you really want to tell others?You have the intelligence of an adultBut the emotions and reactions of a child at times.They will not get this.The fear of been treated as less than who you are by others is real.Knowing many would talk down to you.

You are not stupid, You are not dumb.You just want them to be understanding if you react differently.Yet you know they will most likely will not.So you hold up your facade to the world.While others say you're an adult now.Inside you know you are not.

27



WHERE IS THE ORDER?

They know you like order They know you like your routinesAt work things are where they need to be.

At church you run the library with an iorn fistEach thing in it's place and don't you dare mess it up.

Yet when they see your home they see only chaos.At times it looks like a hurricane has gone through it.They cannot understand this.This is not order But they are wrong

The definition of order, is it not, the placing of things in ways to find them again when needed?There is a name for what my place looks like.

Organised ChaosYet to those looking in it is a hopeless messBut I know where everything is.

28



SENSORY



AN EMBARRASSING SITUATION

A while ago my great uncle diedMy Dad, brother and me were able to doBut not my Mom

The funeral was at such short noticeTwo days after he diedOnly to be told late the night before about itWe were expecting it to be at least a week



One of the wives of my uncles I had greeted outside!The look that she gave me

When I came back to apologiseEven after trying to explainAbout my problem with faces




29



BROKEN TELEPHONE

Playing Broken Telephone as a child is fun.In real life not so much.People don't understand.Face to face you hearing seems to be fine.Use a telephone and you begin to play a real life version of Broken Telephone.

Don't recognise voices too eaiserly.If you know what the conversation is about you are ok most of the time.People who don't talk clearly, or have very bad accents, sound like Martians.

Need someone else to take directions to a new place you need to go.Otherwise the person will have to spell extreemly slowly each new word you don't recognise and thenyou still get lost.

People talking near you.Crackling noises on the phone.People answering the phone in very noisy places.Background noises can make it almost impossible to hear what they are saying at times.

You have your hearing tested.The results come back, there is nothing wrong with you.

Now what?People think you are acting up or talking nonsense when you tell them you can hear, but not properlyon a phone.

Years later you see a program on hearing problems.

Your symptoms fit one of the conditions talked about.You most likely have CAPD.It means that you hear fine, but understanding its just that you can't filter out certain sounds, or distinguish certain words from each other.

Now you understand why at other times besides the telephone, you misunderstand instructions attimes or find out what you thought the singer was singing about was not what they were saying.

You have been playing Broken Telephone all along and no one had told you!

THE SHATTERED MIRROR You see the reflection of the world in all its glory in your mirror I see it in my shattered pieces as it lies upon the floor I only get to see fragments of what the world is really likeEach shard reflecting a portion of what is

Finding which piece goes whereTrying to place all the fragments together To try and get a better picture

But even if I find all the piecesThe view of what I see is still fragmented.And of what you see of me reflecting back at you 30



DEALING WITH SMELLS

It can be a challenge with things that affect ones noseSpray cans are not goodDeodorants and hairspray

They leave me coughing and spluttering at firstThen sneezing and a runny nose for a good few minutes

So no hairspray for meRoll on for deodorants will have to doBut whatever you doDo not use cologneOr perfumeMy nose does not need to run a marathon

Step into my world and experience a few more smells my way

Where certain smells do not leave me feeling too goodTo the point I feel like I want to get sick The only way to prevent thatIs to get away as fast as possibleThen take time for my system to recover

Here are just a few things that get to meSome quite badlyOthers a little less

Never the less none are pleasant to me

CoffeeLavender Cigarette Smoke

Sunbaked Black rubber Or soft plastics, especially black or green

AlcoholLike warm champagneWhere smell of rotten grapes is most overpoweringWhich leaves me wondering even moreWhy do people want to drink rotten grape juice in the first place?

So what can one do?For me the answer is thisDon't use those products that affect youOr go near the things causing the smells where possibleWhich can be good for ones healthWhen looking at this short listBut if you have to be near it or use itDo it quickly and be gone

The best smells for me are the natural smells of thingsSo for me fresh air is bestUse things that are fragrance free or that are not too sharp in that regard 31



Which can be difficult at times when it seems everyone wants the things I cannot stand.

LEMONADE

Would you like some lemonade?She asksIt's homemade

You reply that you wouldYou have never had it beforeYou've heard people talk about how nice it isSo you wait in anticipation

She hands you the glassThis does look goodYou take a sip

Oh, my word!Your face screws upWhat on earth is this stuff?

That is not sweet and delicious as everyone saidIt is most bitter It is most vile

How can anyone drink this stuff?

It would have been easier If she gave you the peal to chewThe results would have been the sameOnly a lot quicker A lot less hassle for her to prepare

Since then you have learnedThat your taste buds cannot handle certain tastesLike with citrus, where the peal is to be used

Nomatter how much sugar they use!

32



DO I KNOW YOU?

People don't understand or want to believe.You have difficulty recognising faces.You have difficulty remembering names.

More so when trying to put them together.They laugh and they say they do too, it comes with age.I'm in my 30's!They don't understand.I have always had this problem.I have learnt ways of hiding it.It can be very embarrising at times, when you do trip up.

You change your hair,The way you dress,

I see you in a place I don't normally see you.I cannot recognise you.You wonder why I look hard at you for a second.Sometimes I fane regcognition.For only after talking to you for a moment I realise who you are.

The person you are talking to about this, has a look on their face.You can tell they still don't seem to understand even after all this explaining.They go on their merry way.You have no idea who the where, only that they looked familiar, but cannot place them.

LOOK AT ME

Look at me when I am talking to youHow many times in the past have you heard that?For me I have found a way to look without really lookingI will look at your faceBut not at your eyes

It makes me feel uncomfortableI will look if I have toBut when I don'tIt is your mouth and nose I focus on

Other times I do not focus my visionSo your face is sightly blurredOr I only give quick glancesAs we talk Continuing to work on what I am busy with

33



MAKE-UP

You don't like make-up?They look at you in disbelief All girls like make-up

Not so Not me

Whenever I have put it onAll I want to do is scratchMany have saidYou may be allergicUse allergy free products

It still didn't work I still wanted to scratch

I even have this kind of problem with other products like Sun Block

Admittedly not too much scratchingAs most of it is absorbed by the skinBut I can still feel whats left of it on the surface of my skinEven hours later A sensation I do not like

Because of this I would rather In the middle of summer If outside where I will get burnt

Wear long clothes and a wide brimmed hatRather than putting on the Sun Block If I can help itAnd believe me this place can get hot

So when it comes to make-up and other such thingsBut especially make-upKeep that stuff as far away from meAnd look for another victim you wish to make over!

34



PLEASE DON'T TOUCH ME THAT WAY!

“How are you my dear?” she saysShe pats you on the arm as she greets youYou want to get away

You can't, she's holding you by the wristShe continues to pat your arm with her other hand as she talksSomeone please help me!You want to climb the wallsYou've got to get awayBut you are helpless till she lets go

She eventually lets goThank goodness!Oh, no!

Another person comes to greet youThey place their arm around you as they talk You cringe once moreWhy must they hang onto you?

At last you are free of them.Then someone hugs you from behindYou stiffen

Not again!You don't mind getting hugsBut they must let you know it's coming

I don't mind a hug or handshakeBut to all of you out therePlease take noteIf I do not return the greeting or stiffen at your touchPlease let goRemember for the next timePlease don't touch me that way.

35



RECOGNITION

You remember most faces like this

I remember most faces like this

People just don't get itThey laugh it off Saying they too forget faces from time to timeThat too comes with age

Er.. Hello I am in my 30'sYou bristle with frustrationThey are not listeningYou have had this problem all you life

You cannot remember the faces many a timeJust a few minutes to a day later after meetingYet you spoke to them for at least half an hour Even those you have known for years you do not recogniseJust because they are not where you normally meet them

Or they have changed something with their appearanceEven in small measures this can throw one into turmoil36



You are constantly playing detectiveTrying to figure out who is before youBy their style of dressWhat they sayOr how they moveAnd where you meet them

You have learned tricks to hide the factThat you do not recognise themI have learned to greet people without using their namesI have learned to get people's attention without using their namesIf I know have have to speak to them later once more that dayI take careful note of their clothingOr get others to find them for you and get them to come to you

In group settings I stick to someone like glueUsually a family member Let them break the ice with othersThereby helping you figure out is is whoWithout either of them knowing itListening to the conversation for clues

I may have perfected these tricks over timeBut they are not fool proof It can be quite embarrassing when you slip upThe looks you get from othersFor not recognising themRangers from confusion to disgustAnd trying to explain doesn't always help.

37



RECOGNITION – PART 2 – THE EXPERIMENT

Prosopagnosia (Face Blindness)IS NO JOKE!It is far more serious than many seem to realise

Since so many just don't get itWe shall do an experimentAsk a friend to gather 20 random people you knowFrom anywhereChurch, work or friends you know wellEven someone you know from the shop you go regularly toTheir choice

You are not allowed to meet them till later Once they all have been gathered

Have them all put on the exact same ski masksMaking sure that their heads are completely coveredIncluding their hair

Now you may enter the room where they are

You must identify each personOne by oneWithout them telling you their namesEither by the way they dressSoundMove

Or what they say No obvious hints may be given

Not so easy is it?Welcome to my worldI live like this 24/7This is how I see most people to some degree

So give a thoughtBefore you brush someone off When they say they have a problemJust because it doesn't sound or appear to be that badAs they say it isDoesn't mean it isn'tYou may only be seeing what they could not cope withOr hide about their conditionAnd definitely not the tremendous strain it puts them under to keep it up

38



SHOPPING FOR CLOTHES

A mystery has always been around shopping for clothesWhy is it while others find what they want within minutesWhile for me it can take months just to find one item?

And its not for the lack of tryingHow do they do it?

Is it because I am between sizes?Between clothing for normal and larger people?A Girl, but need hardy clothing not flimsy office wear?The wrong shape?Too modest for the ever shrinking or see through clothes?Issues with my sensory problems?

Or is it the simple problem of sizing?

These are the questions I have to ask Is it made in China?Is it made in South Africa?If so, was it a South African or Chinese pattern that was used?Or was is it made in America?

Why ask which country?Here is the answer China – at least 2 sizes too small, sometimes moreSouth African – the size they should beAmerican – about 2 sizes too big

When it comes to shoesWe shall not go thereThat is another whole story on it's own.

If someone knows the secret to finding clothesPlease let me know!

39



THE BAPTISM

You are excitedToday's the dayYou've waited a whole year longer than most

But you day has comeYou arrive at churchYou begin to have that familiar feelingThings look and feel funnyIt is not as bad as it sometimes can get

You do your best to ignore itBut it is not always that easyThankfully it is not getting worse

An old lady you knowThe family has known her for yearsGives you a present to celebrate this dayA Finely decorated white chocolate rabbit

She says something about itBut you didn't get it allThe thing that is happeningMakes you not hear it all

You were busy fighting its effects

Distracting youBut you suspectShe only wants you to eat the chocolate rabbit after your baptism

Not before

As the time gets closer for the big eventYou go to change your clothesThe funny feeling is almost all goneYou are now almost fully able to give all your attentionTo why you are here

You walk to the edge of the fontYou feel like yourself once moreThe excitement and happiness buildsAs you begin to walk down the stepsTo the Priesthood holder who is to baptise you

He takes your handShows you what you need to doSettles your nervesTelling you it will be ok He will not let go of you

He says the baptismal prayer Then dunks you under 40



Then pulls you back upHe gives you a smile

You are hit with the most wonderful feelingThat others told you would happenThe warmest glow in your chest

You get out of the water Go and get changedThen come sit on a chair Specially put aside for you

They lay their hands on youThe feeling in your chest gets stronger Then the strange feeling you do not understand returnsHits you full force as you get off of the chair.Much stronger than earlier on

Everyone is coming to congratulateBut you are feeling completely dazedEspecially since both feelings are hitting you at the same time

Not knowing how or what to doBut as usual doing your best to push on

Nibbling on your white chocolate rabbit

SPARKLY THINGS

Many like to watch flowing water.I like water, but to play in.Many like to watch spinning thingsWhen younger I liked to spin till I fell down, then watch the world spin instead.But now just watching someone spin, sometimes makes me not feel too good.

But what I have always liked, is sparkly things.They seem to mesmerise me at timesGold and silver crayonsThe way the light bounces off different shiny objectsThings like marbles, glass figurines, even certain types of metallic paintsAlmost anything that allowed sunlight to sparkle through its shapes or bounce off it sparkling.My most favourite is water droplets when the sun hits them, especially on a leaf or a flower.

My favourite picture when younger was of a kingfisher just had it hits the water.It was from my veiwmaster.The sunlight used to see the picture, made the water sparkle even more.I would stare at it for ages.So while others like their flowing water and spinning things, give me something sparkly and it willmost likely have my undivided attention for quite a while.Well that's if it doesn't interfere with my work or with others.Otherwise I have to patiently wait till I can, then the world can carry on without me. 41



THE FOOD MINEFIELD

I watch as people eatThey seem to be thoroughly enjoying it

Nomatter what is put before them

But not meWhen eating outEspecially when visitingThis can be like trying to negotiate a minefield

For me the problems is thisBesides the Word of WisdomThe religious laws I obey

Which means No Coffee

No Tea No alcoholTo be consumedWhich most seem to accept and do their best to accommodate

Then I have my sensory issuesThis is the bed bugI begin to tick off my check list in my headAs I look at the food before meWhich ones will I chooseKnowing at least one of these items is most likely to be in it

Mince MeatMushroomsRice

OnionsEspecially when raw

SpicesLike curriesThis includes pepper

Most seem to loose the pepper pot in the food these daysBut salt is ok

Another baneChilliesThe latest fad is to put it into everything

Which you can guess by now kind of cuts down on what foods I can eat even moreAnd if you ever came to my house to eatThings for you can get rather blandMost stuff there is either eaten

RawSteamedBaked 42



Or Boiled

THE CAR RIDE

I hate riding in the car Especially long distancesHave always felt this way

Most of the timeTrying to sleep as muchIncluding being next to the closed windowCan wedge my pillow in for a comfortable sleepOr so I can open it in a hurry

Eating dry biscuits and peppermints helps as wellBut most of the time I feel half comatoseDue to not feeling so wellWhen I get out of the car for a break I feel unsteady on my feetI also feel extremely weak

Been green around the gills is not my idea of funTaking something for it before I goSometimes helps a littleBut it never goes away

THE DANCE

You've been dragged hereYou don't want to be hereThe musics too loudThe flashing lights are too much

There's too many peopleYou don't want to danceYou have 2 left feet stuck in cement

So you sit outsideAway from most of the noiseWhile you wait for the othersWishing this night would be over

43



THE SOUND OF AN ARGUMENT

You turn on the TVYou watch Dr PhilYou watch a real court case

You watch to the endBut not meWhen the arguing startsThe pitch of their voices changeI don't feel real goodI am uncomfortable

I've got to stop watchingI've got to get out of the roomChange the channel

Turn off the TVJust make it stopIt's made me feel agitatedWant to curl into a ball

The strange part is, that if this was a movieIt would most likely not affect me that wayBut if someone shows just the slightest agitation to another in real lifeAll I want to do is get awayThe sound of someone pulling ones fingernails across a chalkboard, is better than this

THE PICKY EATER

Such a picky eater others say.Be greatful for the food you have.Stop wasting it.There is nothing else if you don't eat that.

'If you don't eat it all up, you will not get some sweets like the others.' they would say.

I don't care.I am not hungry.The look of disbelief on the person's face, 'You doesn't want sweets?'

When little, I had no word to describe what I can now.To me I just didn't like the food or want the food.

Now I know that certain tastes and textures get to me,Sometimes to the point I just can't eat it no matter what and I would rather go without.I don't like to mix most of my foods together and prefer they don't touch each other on the plate.

I do not have a eating disorder.Though it can lead to one if not careful.I will eat other healthy things with pleasure.But I just won't eat that. 44



THE TROUBLESOME TOOTHBRUSH

I know I have sensory issuesSo trying new things can be interesting to say the leastI look at the toothbrush

I now realise the colourful design on the back the head is not just for showThere are ridges there

It is a tongue and cheek cleaner I never had a toothbrush like this beforeSo nervously I begin to use it

Ugh!It makes my mouth feel all funnyMy lips and cheeks feel horribleLike when they have gone numb

Then they begin to tingle quite badly

So now I have to chuck it outI cannot use itThat is not a sensation I wish a repeat of

The challenge is nowTo find a toothbrush that doesn't have a tongue and cheek cleaner For most of the toothbrushes are going that waySo the hunt is on for a toothbrush I can useThat cleans my teeth properly

For some toothbrushes clean better than others

WHY AREN'T YOU LISTENING?

The teacher says something.She immediately asks you a question about it.But you are unable to respond.She gives the questioning look of disapproval.

Why you are not listening?

But I am.It's just that I can't answer right now.If she asks five minutes from now you will be able to.You know this is weird.You cannot explain it.

So you do your best not to be seen in class.The less questions you are asked the better.It is not a nice feeling you get from the teacher as she gives you a look when she thinks you are notlistening.Yet inside you are screaming, I am listening.I just need time to think! 45



TINTIN THE MOVIE

Hurray the long awaited day is here!I grew up reading The Adventures of Tintin

Now I get to see the movie

The anticipation buildsJust the graphics alone look good of what they have shown on TV

But once you see it on the big screenIt blows your mindAnd that's just the 2D versionBut as I try to watch and enjoy the movieThe dreaded thing begins to happen

The graphics are incredibleBut unfortunately it seems to have triggered an overload episode for me

There is just too much to take inMy eyes feel funny and my brain feels like it is trying to play catch upTrying to make out what I was seeingAs the scenes before me seem to move at lightning speed

So for the rest of the movie I struggle to take it all inAnd annoyingly every time the bad guy came on screenI am mesmerised by the reflection of his glassesMaking it difficult to concentrate on the rest of the movie

Despite this unfortunate event

I still enjoyed the movieAs much as I could at any rateCan't wait for them to make another!

46



WHAT ON EARTH IS GOING ON?

You are 3 nearly 4You are going shopping today with MommyShe places things into the basket

You walk with her She stops at the toy isle

She has a surprise for you New puzzlesSuddenly you feel funnyThings look funny tooBut you have no words to say it

Mommy looks at the puzzles some moreYou don't know what to do

Mommy asks if you like themAfter a pauseYou manage to nod your head

But you are not really looking at the puzzles anymoreYour mind is racing a mile a minuteWhy won't this strange thing that is happening to you stop?Strangely you are not scared

But you are confusedYou don't know what to do

Why doesn't Mommy see?Mommy starts to moveYou follow her

By the time you leave the shopThe worst is over It is almost all gone nowBut why didn't Mommy say something about it?Because she hasn'tThis must be the way things are

Over the years I have had other such incidentsBut because no one made a fuss about it.Therefore I didn't get scaredSome surely should have notices something was off

But I didn't throw a tantrum about itLike most would doThey took it as been just quirky meBecause of thisI took it to be the way life was

No matter how confusing it was for me

47



WONDERINGS OF WHAT WILL BE

It is good to have found outBefore certain choices were madeIf they were made before what I know now

Things could and most likely would have been much harder for meBut it does leave me with some questions of what will beWill I be able to find someone in this lifetime?Be with him?I know that most likely I will not have my own childrenShocking but true

I do so love childrenBut I am a realist tooI need a lot of time out from the world

The older and more stressed I getThe more I seem to need toSuch neglect I cannot do

No child deserves thatAn absent or half hearted parent

But what love I do haveI can still give to another who has noneOr to one just needs a little extraEven if it is only for a few hours

But in the mean timeI will place my trust in Heavenly Father.What I may want or think I needHe may require differently of meKnowing there is reason for all thingsAnd a time for them too.

48



YOU GOT LOST..... WHERE?

You got lost.... where?In the the shopping Centre.You hear and see the response of disbelief and amusement.

That place is so small.In less than five minutes they knew their way around.They laugh again.

You feel embarrassed. Now years later you understand why you got lost.Going to new places, especially shopping Centres is not fun.Your eyes feel like they can't open wide enough to take it all in.Feels like everything is coming at you all at once.You feel off balance and disorientated, almost like you are high on something.

You now learn this is not normal.Yet you had tried to tell before, but struggled to find the words.When you managed to tell them, that you felt disorientated.Everyone just told you that they too get slightly disorientated in a new place of that size, there isnothing unusual about that.But they don't fully understand what you are experiencing.

You still go to shopping Centres.Have learnt ways to cope with what is happening.Look only where you need to.Focus on where you are walking.

Going with someone also helps, focus on them and not whats around you when you start to feeldisorientated.

Some say stay away from such places.I will not.Things will be fine once I get to know the place well.Well, till they swap things around quite a bit, that is.Then I will have to learn all over again where things are.But so what? Staying away will not solve the problem.I will live my life the way I want to, not letting things like this stop me.

49



MOTOR SKILLS



I DON'T WANT TO PLAY TENNIS

Organise yourselves a tennis racketThe teacher says

Next week you are play tennis for PT

But I don't want to play tennisI am hopeless at itThe look of disdain the teacher givesYou have no choice

The day comesYou look at the 3 courts tiered on the slopeThis is the last thing you wanted to doBut the teacher is insistent

Nomatter how you try to tell you cannot

You look at your racketIt is made of woodIt is way older than youEveryone else is made of carbon fibreYours your parents most likely used at schoolBut why waste money in getting a new one?This is a waste of time anyway

Your are instructed to enter You are in court no. 1 at the top of the tier

Your anxiety growsYou know what is coming

Your opponent hits the ball to youYou manage to hit itSurprised that it stayed on the courtThough it didn't go where you were hoping

The first serve you do goes bad widelyBut stays close to the groundThe next serve goes over the high fence that surrounds youYou hear a shout of painYour ball has hit someone on the head in the next court

You try againThis time you nearly hit your opponent in the face with the ballIt went strait for her It didn't even bounce

You try once moreIt goes high againWedging itself right at the top of the fence in the corner Where no one can get it

After this thankfully the teacher swaps you out with another player 50



But the look she givesShe is less than pleasedShe seems to think you are doing this on purposeBut in reality the experience was humiliatingBeen made to look like a fool

Thankfully we do not have too many PT sessions doing thisShe seemed to find that everyone was not liking it as much as she thought they wouldMost getting restless having to wait their turn to playEventually we went back to do swimming for PT in summer And using the Hall or courtyard if it was too cold

But even now all these years later I still don't like tennisI still can't hit the ball most times where I want it to go

MIND YOUR MANNERS

Mind your manners.These word I heard a lot when younger.Use your knife and fork.

Not your fingers.

But I hate using a knife and fork.

I can't eat my food properly.I don't want them.You are told it is not good manners, especially in public.

Then comes the pudding.There is only a big spoon.“Can't I have a teaspoon?” I ask.

NoBut I can't get it in my mouth,It is too big.

You get the look.The conversation is over.So you reluctantly nibble the food on the edge of the spoon.

The years have passed.But at home I eat how I please.But still in public, I hear these words ring the back of my mind.Mind your Manners.

51



MOVE FASTER

Move faster I hear the teacher sayYou are doing the moves too slow

Don't think about it just do itI have come to realiseTo everyone else I may look like I am moving at normal speedBut I am already moving faster It has taken lots of practice not to mess upHours and hoursIf I try and go faster nowI will mess up

Subconsciously my brain is working overtime

Making sure everything moves in the correct order at the correct timeAnd when it is a sequence of movesLike when doing martial artsI have to think most times before doingWhen practicingSo hopefully I may react more without thinkingwhen the day comes I need to use it So whether to learn a new dance moveWhich I have tried and it is not for meor doing martial arts

Which I really enjoyI have to teach myself which muscles move whenWhich takes timeAnd not like youWhere you just move

THE DANCE

You've been dragged hereYou don't want to be hereThe musics too loudThe flashing lights are too much

There's too many peopleYou don't want to danceYou have 2 left feet stuck in cement

So you sit outsideAway from most of the noiseWhile you wait for the othersWishing this night would be over

52



PAPERLESS IS BETTER

Give me a computer any dayI don't like pen and paper I write too slow

I press too hardMy hand gets sore after a while

You are given a form to fill inHow on earth are you supposed to get all that information in such a small spaceMy hand writing is at least twice the size of yoursI used to write in cursiveBut at times I couldn't read my own hand writing

Now I only print

But as I said give me a computer

My spelling is atrociousMy ideas are very scatteredI can go over and over my work without having to re-write everythingThank goodness for the internetSpelling checkers are a great help

If I couldn't do it this wayI wouldn't even attempt to write down my worksSo many trees would have to be sacrificedMy poor hand would not surviveLet alone my patience

53



THE CLUMSY ONE

The Clumsy one.That's what you are.You cannot deny it.

You walk into things.You fall over things.Even your own feet at times when younger.

Your 4 year old brother can beat you at a computer game.You are 6 years old!All you have to do is hit the spacebar!You sit there for hours crying, trying to get it right.He got it right in only a minute or two.You still haven't.

Eating with a knife and fork is a challenge.They don't want to go where you want them to.You were 8 before you could ride your bike without training wheels.Have been to swimming lessons for years.But you are nearly 10 and a half before you can swim.You cannot hit a tennis ball in a straight line.

Even now you have to work doubly as hard as most people to get certain things right.It means hours and hours of practice.But lose your concentration for just a second and your co-ordination goes out of the window.When this happens, everyone knows.

You are the clumsy one.

54



THE LESSON OF THE ROLLER SKATES

I wanted roller skates for my birthdayYou will be turning 6 this year Both your parents are in utter shock at the request

You cannot even ride your bicycle without training wheels Now you want this?!

I got them for my birthdayBecause I had askedDespite my parents fears for meAs ungainly at times I could be

They firmly believedIf I wanted to try something newThey would not stop me

Despite their misgivings

To their surprise and othersI took to them like a duck to water Yet I was nearly 8 before I could ride my bicycle without training wheelsAnd struggled with so many other things

When it came to trying new thingsOnly if in danger Would my parents say noOtherwise they would encourage me as much as possible

Not been hung upon seeing my limitationsWhich as a child I didn't seeAllowing me to the surprise of manyTo go beyond what they thought could beAllowing me to find my own pathSpreading my wings as I did so

55



WRITING ANDSPELLING

BOX A OR B

A test is placed before your Multiple ChoiceThis one is about



How you would do thingsHow you see thingsAnd how one would reactYour heart drops to your toes

You read the first question

Are they wanting answers C or D?If they tell you the reason for the questionYou will be able to answer it

You are told to stop over analysing itJust answer the questionBut how?You don't know what they want!The dread grow within you with every question you readYou do your best to soldier on

You try another questionIt is about what you think you are likeGreat there are 4 boxes as usualBut there is no box for youYou are told you must choose the one nearest to what you are like

How?You fall between answers A and DThey look at you in exasperationStop taking so longJust answer the questionsIt is not that hard

But how am I supposed to answer such questions correctly? Not given the correct information or reason for the questionHow do you choose an answer when not provided the means to choose it?I hate these kind of tests.I can never find the box that fits!!!!

56

I HATE FORMS

The paper is placed before youGreat another formWhere do you start?



All the words are coming all at the same time

So you take a deep breathYou try to take it all in

Now that you see more than a jumble of wordsBut the requests of information are not clear

Are they wanting this or that?

You are frustratedYou write carefullyYou think you are doneYou ask to make sure it is all thereThey seems satisfied

You are relievedIt is now over But you are not happyA single page has taken 10 – 15 minutes to fill inBut you know sometimes it can be longer.

57

PAPERLESS IS BETTER

Give me a computer any dayI don't like pen and paper I write too slow



I press too hardMy hand gets sore after a while

You are given a form to fill inHow on earth are you supposed to get all that information in such a small spaceMy hand writing is at least twice the size of yours

I used to write in cursiveBut at times I couldn't read my own hand writing

Now I only print

But as I said give me a computer My spelling is atrociousMy ideas are very scatteredI can go over and over my work without having to re-write everythingThank goodness for the internetSpelling checkers are a great help

If I couldn't do it this wayI wouldn't even attempt to write down my worksSo many trees would have to be sacrificedMy poor hand would not surviveLet alone my patience

58

SPELLING

My spelling is up the creek I knowBut it has always been this way



First they thought I just need glasses in Sub ABut my spelling didn't improveThey tested me for dyslexiaThey said I did not have it

But as the years passedThings did not improveIn High School, I received my worst punishmentAlmost 3 monthsDetention nearly every day

Even after telling the teacher that I couldn't spellShe didn't seem to careShe seemed to think that punishment would put me rightThankfully she gave up in the end

Sanding desks I didn't mindBut the legacy she left behindIs still painful nowBy punishing me for something I had no control over The message she had sentYou are not good enough

But what made it worseBesides been my Xhosa teacher Language number 3She was the school guidance teacher too

So when when people criticise my spelling or correct it while I'm standing thereThough I know they are only trying to be helpfulBut thanks to that teacher It causes my blood to boilBut I do not mind if you correct it away from meThen give me the corrected works later

The years have passedI now believe I now know why my spelling is so badI do have dyslexia

Just not the kind most people seem to haveThe word on this page looks rightBut a few pages later it looks wrong

But because no one realise that I had AspergersWhich made things hard to explain of what I was experiencingIt got overlookedBesides how can a 7 year old who was just starting to learn to readKnow that this was not the way things were supposed to be? 59



HYPER FOCUS

THE BEE IN MY BONNET

I've got a bee in my bonnetI have got to do this thing right nowI cannot wait



If I do, it will not get done

I have learnt to harness the bee in my bonnetFocus it in the direction I need to goBut do not disruptI cannot get restarted

It is extremely hard to do soIt will lie there unfinished

So while I have this bee in my bonnetI will go all outBy the end of it I will be exhaustedBut much will be done

So when you see me with a bee in my bonnetPlease do not disrupt meYou can ask me if I need helpBut if I say noDo not insist

Leave me aloneSo I can get it done quicklyFor once this bee in my bonnet is goneYou can have my undivided attention

60

CLEANING HOUSE

I know I've got to clean the houseBut the urge is just not thereWould rather do something elseIt is the last thing I feel like doing



But I know when the urge hitsIt will be a couple of hours later Before I stop exhaustedLike all my urges to do somethingMany happen at the weirdest times

Like writing this poem at 1:15 in the morningAfter Cleaning for an hour Having to force myself to stopThen I started writing thisBut I have to now will myself to sleepOr tomorrow I will be grumpyEven now I know I will feel the effects of this night two days later the most

I may be a night owlIt is when energy is quite high sometimesBut without enough sleepOne can get a bit crankyThankfully I am on holiday at the momentAllowing me the privilege of sleeping in

61

THE COLLECTION BUG

I like to collect thingsAnd many different things over the yearsMany are not like what others wouldSome is not voluntaryIt just happens



But the urge is always there

Radio StoriesI do not like listening to music in generalSo radio stations are a painYou can't get your work done if you are stuck in front of the TV

Remembering random factsBut have difficulty in remembering formulas or whole subjectsRemembering TV schedules and what the programs are aboutThough I didn't studied it

Remembering the almost all the books I've readBut only if you show me the book, can I tell you if I haveDo not ask me the Authors or names of the booksI may only remember a few at randomBe warned do not let me into a second hand bookstore they may be left bare

These are just a few such thingsI like to collectBut let it be knownThankfully I am not much of a horder If things get too much they will be gone

62

THE UNDQUIET MIND

It is time for bedYou can feel the buzzYour heart sinks to your toesYou know you have been naughtyYou didn't stop doing your typing on the computer



At least an hour before bed

Now your mind is a whirlIt's still running a mile a minuteIn some cases the ideas keep comingOr you keep thinking about the same things over and over

This doesn't stopEven when you sleepYou toss and turn the whole night long.

You promise yourself not to do it againBut all too soon the obsession to carry on despite the time, takes over When you are on a rollYou chastise your self once moreBut you knowYou will do it againThe vicious circle never ending.

63

TIRED

TiredOh, so very tiredBeen naughty againGot a bee in my bonnetWent full outAlmost every waking moment



For two weeks

Gulping down the foodAt times reluctantly stopping to eatDoing other things only when urgentIgnoring everything else

Reluctantly going to bed at midnightUp again at 6:30

Now I am pay the priceTiredOh, so very tiredHave so much still to doWant to do it all quicklyBefore the urge to do it is goneBut can'tMy body has saidEnough is enoughIt is time to rest

64



IMAGINATION

FRAGILE WRITINGS

People think writing is easyFor me it is notTakes hours of daydreamingThinking it throughHours of writing it downAs I let the ideas take me where they want to go



There must be no pressure to produceIt's the quickest way to go dryIdeas only comeWhen there is no time constraintsOr on what I have to write

When I get started do not interruptWhen starting once moreAt times it can change the direction of the story completelyOr it may never get off the groundTaking months or years if lucky to get going again

For me writing is like a delicate flower It only blooms when the conditions are just right

NO IMAGINATION?

Many people say that those with Aspergers have no imaginationIs that so?

No it is notMine is just differentMine does not always come quickly

True mine was structured to some degree

My playmobile dolls had to be the same colour for familiesOur lego was was mostly to do with cops and the hospitalBarbie and Ken were family orientated storiesBut so what?There are so many variations to what each of those story lines could be.

As I got older stories began to run around in my headBut how to put it to paper?I didn't know howIt took years, before I began toIt is still takes time at times.

It comes in wavesSometimes seeing what others have to say about a certain subject helpsIt unlocks the door, to let me get startedBut my imagination is there 65

THE LITTLE GIRL INSIDE

From the outside I look like everyone elseBut inside I am not as old as I look My emotional age is much younger But I have been able to an extent hide it from others

It is far from easy



Sometimes taking much effortBut it has also become a way of lifeTo protect myself from others not understandingTo the point nowDifficult to find some of those parts that I have hidTaking time now to unearth

At 15 going on 16 I still played with my dollsPlayed with my Lego and PlaymobileBut I began to see that the other girls no longer didWhen they noticedThey would give a look of “what's wrong with you?”

Then I went through a very stressful part of my lifeTrying to keep up in schoolPretending more to be like the othersThe stress of it allPlaying with my toys had helped till then to de-stressBut because of the way others reactedI no longer did it openly unless at home


But had no way of knowing how to express it to othersWhat I was thinking in thereWords to express is not my strong pointOnly years later I began to find a way to put it to paper But at first it didn't feel comfortable in doing soThen frustrated I couldn't get everything down

Even now so much is still running round this head of mine

So much I am still unable to expressEven though the number pages of what I can has grownBut there are so many different sides to the same issueThis is going to take a while

So when I get stressed I go back to the world inside my head 66But now the worlds I have created in thereI can now start to let others seeThough when stressed the written word evades meI need to relax to get most of it out

So while others think I have maturedI am still very much a little girl insideWho has now found a way for you to join me in my playground



THE REALIZATION

As I now look back on the stories I've writtenBefore I had words to describe as I do nowI have discoveredThe realization is quite shockingI already unknowingly knew the answers way back then

A lot of what my characters experienced or who they areIn some ways had a started in mineIn a way it is quite spookyAnd as I continue to uncover

Understand more of what goes onI'm beginning to see more of me in these stories of mine.

67



MATURITY

ALWAYS LAGGING BEHIND

When others tried the latest fadsYou did notYou would analyze it firstThink about itThen only do it if you felt it is worth the while



This could take days, weeks, months and even yearsBut you have learntJumping in with both feet like everyone else, most times leads to disaster Decisions that you come to regret later Some of them have serious consequences

So you take your timeTread carefullyMake sure everything is rightThen go ahead

To others it may look like you just aren't interested or that you are lagging behindBut when you are doing a balancing act with your lifeTrying to keep everything together The decisions you make have far reaching consequences

So while others think you are lagging behindYou are notYou are moving at a pace that is right for you

PLAYING WITH CHILDREN

When playing with young childrenI am more at ease

No needing to pretend to fit inOr worry that you may do wrongThey do not judge

So long as you enthral them in their worldThey are happyWhich allows me co come outHappy and carefree

68

STUCK IN TIME

When you look at meI look like youBut I am not

Emotionally, I am much younger When my youngest cousins were born I was older than them



When they were about to become teenagersI was equal to them

Now they have left schoolI am younger than them

Forever stuck in time

Barely moving at all

IntellectuallyI am able to learn with the best of themIf given time and using the correct methods for meAnd it is my passion

EmotionallyIt is not the caseWhich leaves me with a dilemmaI am a childYet I am notForever trying to pretend I am an adult

Those who were much younger than meAre now adultsDoing adult thingsYet all I can do most of the timeIs watch as time goes by

For I am not ready for some of that yetHow long will it be till I do?Or find someone who will take me as I amI do not know

But for now I am stuck in timeBarely moving at all

69

THE LONGING

You want to dance in the rainOut in the openBut the looks that one getsMake you want to hold back

You want to build sandcastles



Out on the beachBut the looks that one getsMake you want to hold back

You do not like crowdsYou want to go where you will not be bothered

But you can't get awayYou've got to be thereFor the crime is too high

There is so much that you would like to doBut the looks that one getsMake you want to hold back

It hurts you deep down insideWhen they look at you that wayLike you've done something most horribly wrong

When all that you've doneIs to be all of yourself Yet no laws have been broken

So you do your best to avoid those looksBut as time passes onYou are screaming insideYou want to get outYou want to be all of you

But you know that you can'tIt will hurt a lot moreSo you hold back Only letting all out you outWhen you know that it's safe

70

THE TERROR OF RESPONSIBILITY

You're in charge nowI am what?!You're in charge nowThey repeat

The terror strikes within you



The responsibility overwhelmingI am not ready for this!

He walk awayLeaving you standing before the masses

Now what?

The terror deepensWhat if I can't do this?Will they listen?The fear of not doing it right is getting to you

Though most of them are half your age, almostYou are the one still feeling like a childYou know you have trouble remembering all of what must be taughtWill you be found out?You don't do well with crowds

You do your bestYou are more than just a nervous wreck Just when you think you are ready to crack The instructor takes over Thank goodness

He seems to sense your fear He can see that you are drowningHe has thrown you a life jacket for nowBut what of the next time?

You feel ashamedYou know you cannot hide in the shadows forever But you are not ready for this!

71

YOU'RE AN ADULT NOW

You hear the wordsYou're an adult nowYou are 21But inside you feel like you are still 12 years old.Things have just got harder.



The fear just got moreWill they realise that you are not as old as they think you are?.Some in the past haveWhen much younger you were not acting your age, but more of your younger brother's at times.But they said that was normal there was only 2 years difference between the 2 of you.But as the years pass you too seem to notice you are not the age inside others expect you to be.

The gap ever widening, no matter how you try to hide it.You feel like a child constantly trying to play pretend.At 21 you feel like a 12 year old who has been given adult responsibilitiesIt is very overwhelming .

Now even in your 30's, you still feel like a young child inside, trying to deal with an adult world attimes.Some times even now you feel like you are seeing things as perhaps 12, now 13, maybe 14 year oldwould see the world.Yet at other times maybe even a little older.There are times when the facade fails.The looks you get when it does, only makes you want to hide your secret more.People do not understand.

But do you really want to tell others?You have the intelligence of an adultBut the emotions and reactions of a child at times.They will not get this.The fear of been treated as less than who you are by others is real.Knowing many would talk down to you.

You are not stupid, You are not dumb.You just want them to be understanding if you react differently.Yet you know they will most likely will not.So you hold up your facade to the world.While others say you're an adult now.Inside you know you are not.

72



MEMORY

A FLASH OF BRILLIANCE

That's beautifulOr

That is really goodA flash of brilliance They say

http://oald8.oxfordlearnersdictionaries.com/search/?q=brilliance




Why do you hide your talent? Not use them to make a living out of itOr at least aid you along the way

But that is where the problem liesA flash of brilliance

A flash is all it isOnly here for a momentThen it is goneUnable to permanently harness its power

It comes and goes in wavesMost times with very long periods in betweenAny pressure to performAnd it doesn't come at all

Skills learned quickly by othersSometimes comes slowlyMany times in random bitsIt's like putting a jigsaw puzzle together at times

And when enough comes together at the right timePeople seem to think you know a lot more than you are letting on

Not realising there are huge gaps in your skillsOr understanding of a subjectYou just happen to know that bitOr what to do in that exact situationBut not a similar one

And the panic that comesWhen people expect you to be able to do this all the time

Not always understanding that you cannot

73

RECOGNITION








Er.. Hello I am in my 30'sYou bristle with frustration

They are not listeningYou have had this problem all you life

You cannot remember the faces many a timeJust a few minutes to a day later after meetingYet you spoke to them for at least half an hour Even those you have known for years you do not recogniseJust because they are not where you normally meet themOr they have changed something with their appearanceEven in small measures this can throw one into turmoil

74

You are constantly playing detectiveTrying to figure out who is before youBy their style of dress



What they sayOr how they moveAnd where you meet them

You have learned tricks to hide the factThat you do not recognise them

I have learned to greet people without using their namesI have learned to get people's attention without using their namesIf I know have have to speak to them later once more that dayI take careful note of their clothingOr get others to find them for you and get them to come to you



75

RECOGNITION – PART 2 – THE EXPERIMENTProsopagnosia (Face Blindness)



IS NO JOKE!It is far more serious than many seem to realiseSince so many just don't get it

We shall do an experimentAsk a friend to gather 20 random people you know

From anywhereChurch, work or friends you know wellEven someone you know from the shop you go regularly toTheir choice

You are not allowed to meet them till later Once they all have been gatheredHave them all put on the exact same ski masksMaking sure that their heads are completely coveredIncluding their hair


You must identify each personOne by oneWithout them telling you their namesEither by the way they dressSoundMoveOr what they say

No obvious hints may be given


So give a thoughtBefore you brush someone off When they say they have a problemJust because it doesn't sound or appear to be that badAs they say it isDoesn't mean it isn't

You may only be seeing what they could not cope withOr hide about their conditionAnd definitely not the tremendous strain it puts them under to keep it up

76

AN EMBARRASSING SITUATIONA while ago my great uncle died



My Dad, brother and me were able to doBut not my MomThe funeral was at such short noticeTwo days after he diedOnly to be told late the night before about itWe were expecting it to be at least a week



One of the wives of my uncles I had greeted outside!The look that she gave meWhen I came back to apologiseEven after trying to explainAbout my problem with faces




77

THE COLLECTION BUGI like to collect things



And many different things over the yearsMany are not like what others wouldSome is not voluntaryIt just happensBut the urge is always there

Radio StoriesI do not like listening to music in generalSo radio stations are a painYou can't get your work done if you are stuck in front of the TV

Remembering random factsBut have difficulty in remembering formulas or whole subjectsRemembering TV schedules and what the programs are aboutThough I didn't studied it

Remembering the almost all the books I've readBut only if you show me the book, can I tell you if I haveDo not ask me the Authors or names of the booksI may only remember a few at randomBe warned do not let me into a second hand bookstore they may be left bare

These are just a few such thingsI like to collectBut let it be knownThankfully I am not much of a horder If things get too much they will be gone

78



QUESTIONSTHAT

BAFFEL

AN AUTOMATIC REACTIONYou've unknowingly trained yourself well



A question is askedYou answer without thinkingBut when you take the time to think of the questionYou now realise the answer is wrong

But as you grew up

You learned your lesson wellThe answer you have givenIs the one you think that they want or the nearest to what you cannot sayBack then you had no words to describe what was happeningSo you answered without thinkingTo a script that you knew

Now you have found the right answersBut it's still hard not to answer without thinkingBut slowly that's changingHopefully one dayThere will be no answers without thinking.

FEELINGS

While most show their feelings at a drop of a hatMany a times you cannotIt takes time for what has happened to sink in

Then the feelings hit

The result can beFeeling like a deer caught in headlightsTo others they may think You do not careAs you do not react as they had expected

For at timesYou have no idea what to do with you emotionsWhich can be very confusing or overwhelming

Because of this when someone asksHow are you feeling?You are unable to find the wordsTo express what you are feeling

79

BOX A OR BA test is placed before your



Multiple ChoiceThis one is aboutHow you would do thingsHow you see thingsAnd how one would reactYour heart drops to your toes

You read the first questionAre they wanting answers C or D?If they tell you the reason for the questionYou will be able to answer it

You are told to stop over analysing itJust answer the questionBut how?You don't know what they want!The dread grow within you with every question you readYou do your best to soldier on

You try another questionIt is about what you think you are likeGreat there are 4 boxes as usualBut there is no box for youYou are told you must choose the one nearest to what you are like

How?You fall between answers A and DThey look at you in exasperationStop taking so longJust answer the questionsIt is not that hard

But how am I supposed to answer such questions correctly? Not given the correct information or reason for the questionHow do you choose an answer when not provided the means to choose it?I hate these kind of tests.I can never find the box that fits!!!!

80

I JUST AMSome have asked questions about myself



Many I cannot answer No matter how I try

Like asking how I do thingsOr overcome problemsEr...

Which specific problem?Which specific incident?Your question is too generalYou are causing me to freeze in indecisionOverloading my brainToo many things all running around in there at the same time

Now no answers will come

When it come to questions about emotionsI know I have themI feel themBut their names sometimes elude meOr the words to say to another Unable to describe themEven if you ask specific questionsThat just require me to say yes or noI just am

Interacting with peopleOn the surface seems fineBut look closer Things are notThe way I reactThe way I do things

But I do not realise many a timesOnly when others say somethingOr give me a look I do knowI have done something wrongI have done something weirdI just am

Even when you try to ask your questionMore directlyMore clearlyEven then many of the questions you ask still baffle meI cannot find the wordsI don't know why I react or do it that wayI just am

81

TATTLETALE OR GOOD CITIZEN?You have been told



If you see someone doing something they shouldn'tYou have been told to tell

So in Std 6 you didYou got into trouble with the teacher for doing soYou get told you do not tattletale

You do not tell on another

You are confusedIt has been constantly drummed into youBy the police and other organisationsWhen you see people doing things they shouldn'tYou must tellYou are been a good citizen when you do

So could someone please tell me what is the difference?

WHO ARE YOU?

'Who are you?'The teacher asks the questionWhat do you mean 'who am I?'I am me.She explains.

Now what?Frantic thinking.Quite a while later, put down, I am a child of God.

Teacher says no religious answers.I am confused.If I'm not that, what am I?Says describe yourself.

Now what?

Rest of the class begin to read their responses.I listen.Write down what I think the teacher wants.But is it really me?For still inside, my first response is:I am me.

82

WHERE IS MY SCRIPT?In this play of life



On this stageEveryone is saying and doing their partsI try to follow and respond to those around meThe look of disapproval and disdain the give“Keep to the script,” they say.









83

WHY AREN'T YOU LISTENING?The teacher says something.



She immediately asks you a question about it.But you are unable to respond.She gives the questioning look of disapproval.Why you are not listening?

But I am.

It's just that I can't answer right now.If she asks five minutes from now you will be able to.You know this is weird.You cannot explain it.

So you do your best not to be seen in class.The less questions you are asked the better.It is not a nice feeling you get from the teacher as she gives you a look when she thinks you are notlistening.Yet inside you are screaming, I am listening.I just need time to think!

84



FEELINGSEPARATEDFROM THE

WORLD

FEELINGSWhile most show their feelings at a drop of a hat



Many a times you cannotIt takes time for what has happened to sink inThen the feelings hit

The result can beFeeling like a deer caught in headlights

To others they may think You do not careAs you do not react as they had expected

For at timesYou have no idea what to do with you emotionsWhich can be very confusing or overwhelming

Because of this when someone asksHow are you feeling?You are unable to find the wordsTo express what you are feeling

LIVING IN BETWEEN

I am an adult in bodyBut a more of a child in spirit

Never fully fitting in either world

I am living in between

My condition is also an irritation at timesI am not debilitated by it enough to need special careBut I am not free of it enough to live without it causing challenges from time to timeI am living in between

The worst for meIs others do not see itWhen they need toMost do not understand

I may look fineYet I do not always react like themThough they expect me to be like themBut within I am struggling at timesI am living in between

85

FRIENDSPeople may think I have lots of friends



Not soI am friendly to allBut that is all

Besides my familyThere is only one

Yet even then for meIt still feels forced

I see in othersTheir joy of friendship with othersFor me the connection is not there

No matter how I try

Others make it look easyYet not for meIt feels like I am trying ever so hardBy the end I am drained

Because I am friendly by natureHelpful tooTherefore many may think I have tonsYet I am standing in a crowded room alone

JUST VISITINGIf I were from UgandaAnd did what I had doneYou would not give me a look of disapprovalYou would help me learn the cultureGuide me along the way

If I were from RussiaAnd did what I had doneYou would not give me a look of disapprovalYou would help me learn the cultureGuide me along the way

But because I sound like youLook like youThen I do not always react like youYou do notYet I am too just visiting

86

I AM NOT DISABLEDI am not disabled



No more than if I was a foreigner in this landLike them I do not fully understand your cultureMine is different to yours

Despite all my years of been hereI still do not fully get it

True many of my counter partsDo need special help from time to timeAnd perhaps even me one day

But a lot of it is because of other issuesMany brought on by your cultureWho can't seem to acceptThat not everyone fits into your neat little boxes

As the years have passedI have noticedThis has gotten worse

Not only for someone like meBut any who do not fit the mold

To not accept those who do not think like youYour culture is doomed to dieFor all the forward thinkers

Nomatter the cultureAll thought out of the boxIsn't it about time you did too?


You see the reflection of the world in all its glory in your mirror I see it in my shattered pieces as it lies upon the floor I only get to see fragments of what the world is really likeEach shard reflecting a portion of what is


87

THE ALIENInteracting in a world that is not your own



Doing your best to hide the factStruggling at times to understand how those in it interact with each other Or why they do certain thingsEspecially when there seems to be no meaning to it

Doing your best to avoid situations

Doing your best not to offendThough at times you have no understanding why they are offended

What you think is funnyThey do notWhat you think is normalThey think is weird

When you do something that really upset or annoys themThey ask or give you the look “What planet are you from?”A answer you cannot giveAll you know it is definitely not this one

THE INVISIBLE BARRIER

You see the worldYou want to take part

You want to connectBut you're unable to do soThere's an invisible barrier between

You are unable to tellWhat you want or you needWhen you tryThe message doesn't get throughThere's an invisible barrier between

People can't seem to see it or understandBut it is there

No matter how much you or they try to deny itThere's an in visible barrier between

At times it's like watching a playYou are there as things happenBut you cannot take partThere's an in visible barrier between

88

THE LONGINGYou want to dance in the rain



Out in the openBut the looks that one getsMake you want to hold back

You want to build sandcastlesOut on the beach

But the looks that one getsMake you want to hold back

You do not like crowdsYou want to go where you will not be botheredBut you can't get awayYou've got to be thereFor the crime is too high

There is so much that you would like to doBut the looks that one getsMake you want to hold back

It hurts you deep down insideWhen they look at you that wayLike you've done something most horribly wrong

When all that you've doneIs to be all of yourself Yet no laws have been broken

So you do your best to avoid those looksBut as time passes onYou are screaming insideYou want to get outYou want to be all of you

But you know that you can'tIt will hurt a lot moreSo you hold back Only letting all out you outWhen you know that it's safe

89

THE WALLFLOWER For most of the time in your life you are a wallflower



You fly under the radar Many a times you have tried to move away from the wallOnly to end in disaster

You learn quickly it is far safer to remain by the wallYou are not subjected to looks

When you get things wrong or cannot keep up

People tend to forget wallflowers are thereThey leave you alone

No unwanted attention they giveSo you remain where you are observing the world as it goes by

WHAT'S THE POINT OF IT ALL?I am not perfect by any meansBut one things for sureI find it harder than many to lie

What's the point of it all?Some say it makes things easier Others say they it's the only way to get ahead in lifeOthers get rich

But as I saidWhat's the point of it all?You are going to be found outWeather it's now or after you die

When you're standing before himThe Master will ask Why you did thatYour head will be hung lowThe punishment hard

So the question is thisWhat's the point of it all?

90

WHERE IS MY SCRIPT?In this play of life



On this stageEveryone is saying and doing their partsI try to follow and respond to those around meThe look of disapproval and disdain the give“Keep to the script,” they say.









100



HIDING SELF

THE LITTLE GIRL INSIDEFrom the outside I look like everyone else



But inside I am not as old as I look My emotional age is much younger But I have been able to an extent hide it from others

It is far from easySometimes taking much effort

But it has also become a way of lifeTo protect myself from others not understandingTo the point nowDifficult to find some of those parts that I have hidTaking time now to unearth

At 15 going on 16 I still played with my dollsPlayed with my Lego and PlaymobileBut I began to see that the other girls no longer didWhen they noticedThey would give a look of “what's wrong with you?”

Then I went through a very stressful part of my lifeTrying to keep up in schoolPretending more to be like the othersThe stress of it allPlaying with my toys had helped till then to de-stressBut because of the way others reactedI no longer did it openly unless at home


But had no way of knowing how to express it to othersWhat I was thinking in thereWords to express is not my strong point

Only years later I began to find a way to put it to paper But at first it didn't feel comfortable in doing soThen frustrated I couldn't get everything down

Even now so much is still running round this head of mineSo much I am still unable to expressEven though the number pages of what I can has grownBut there are so many different sides to the same issueThis is going to take a while

So when I get stressed I go back to the world inside my head 101

But now the worlds I have created in thereI can now start to let others seeThough when stressed the written word evades me



I need to relax to get most of it out

So while others think I have maturedI am still very much a little girl insideWho has now found a way for you to join me in my playground

HANGING ON FOR DEAR LIFE

Everyone has a part of them they do not reveal to othersOnly yours is a bit moreAs you grow up you realise you are not like everyone elseYou know not why

You have learnt to show that difference, brings looks of disapprovalYet you have broken no laws that you know of and do not understand whySo you try bury that part of as deep as you canHang onto it so tightlyFearing to let goTo do so, would mean loss of control and others seeingYou do not want those looks

The years pass and nothing changesThen you discover why you are like you are

Though you only tell only a few whyYou start to let goThe freedom it bringsThe relief The load has been lifted

But still a large part of you still wants to hang on for dear life, to that part of you that was hiddenWill you truly be able to let go?You know it will take timeBut life is much better knowing whats wrongDenying it only makes things harder, if not, much worse

102

PLAYING THE PRETEND GAME



Be careful when playing the pretend gameThe objective is not to be found outIf you areYou have failed.Failure brings shame.

You mustn't let people see fully who you really are.They will not understandSo you do your bestThe 'Normal' world can be harsh if you fail.

So the facade stays rigidly in placeBut when they see though the cracks in it, panic sets in.They mustn't see all of the real youThey will not understand.So you try even harder to master the pretend game.

You hope and pray that you get through this hiccup, in the game.Relief sets in when you doTill the next hiccup crops upThen you panic once more.The pretend game is not just something to amuse one self with to pass the time.It's the difference between surviving the world out there or yours falling apart infront of everyone.The last thing you want, is to be treated like some freakish thing.

So be careful when playing the pretend gameThe objective is not to be found outIf you areYou have failed.Remember failure brings shame.




103

THE LOOK



I may miss some body language and expressions people show at timesBut the one that hurts and affects me mostI am cursed to know

To me the look people giveThat says they are extremely disappointed in me

Like a parent would a childWith the threatening look behind itJust wait missy till we get homeYou are in big trouble now!

Most times I have no ideaWhat I did wrongBut I do my best

Not to do it againOf what you think I may have done

But the feeling one getsFrom the look that they giveMakes you want the ground to swallow you whole

THE PRESSURE COOKER

Your life has been like a pressure cooker

And over timeIt has gotten worse

People expecting you to be like themPeople expecting you to be able do certain thingsEspecially at their pace

Not yours

Trying to hide the fact you cannot Not understand why you are the way you areBut when you doOh! What a relief The pressure that was buildingHas now been releasedThe guilt and blame is no more

You can now say No Not feeling like you are doing wrongOr that you have failed at life somehowThings just move at a different pace for youYou will get there when the time is right for you

104

WHATS IN A NAME?



How many times have you found thisThe name someone hasWeather given or chosenSays something about them?

My online name was chosen out of desperation

All other names came back takenI had had enoughAfter hours of searching each time I wanted to join somethingTo choose a different nameEventually finding one that seems no one has chosenDapper Muis

In EnglishBrave MouseFrom a childhood nursery rhymeBut only now do I see how fitting it is for me

Like this little mouse who was boastfulSaying he was not afraid of anythingBut when confrontedCould not deny it in the endHe was petrified of everything

In many ways that is meThe view of me everyone seesIs not really me completelyUnderneath my stiff upper lip facadeI panic most easily

Scared of loosing controlScared of things going wrongScared of letting people see how badly flawed I amScared of how people will react as they do not understand

So like that little mouseI too, am trying to not let people see my fear For if they do

They may try to take advantage of meFor sadly to say many would do soThey do not care about othersSo long as they can get what they want

So next time you see a nameWhat it is or meansCould tell volumes about someoneAll you need to do is look For most likely more than notStrangely the name seems fits to whom it was given

105YOU DON'T HAVE ASPERGERS



You don't have AspergersYou hear people say when you tell them.You seem fine.Even the psychologist says that, after she tells you she doesn't believe it is condition.But admits on paper you show strong signs of it.You try walking in my shoes for a day or two and see what you have to say then.

The severity of my symptoms over long periods of time ebb and flow.But I have them. Not as bad as some may get them, but I still have them.Aversion to certain smells, tastes, textures, lights, sounds and even touch.My co-ordination is up the creek.I have difficulty in:Recognising facesHearing on the phoneSpellingProcessing my emotionsUnderstanding and interacting in social situations

I even have difficulty in unfamiliar places finding my way many a timesTaking the scenic route to get there is not my idea of fun, especially when one is in a hurry.That's even sometimes when I use a map.

But when people look at me they don't see that.They don't see the hours and hours of hard work, just to keep up the appearance that everything isfine, including the routines I have developed to get though the day or to deal with certain situations.They don't see the panic, when things start to go wrong.When they do see you do something out of the ordinary, the looks you get are not always pleasant.Or when you refuse to do what everybody else is doing, they hound you and will not listen to you.You try to explain, but have difficulty in doing so.

Your conditions seems to baffle them and the reaction from most is the same every time.They just say get over yourself.

I am still lucky, most of my symptoms many a times are more of an irritation to me at times, thandebilitating.But the embarrassment from doing something you shouldn't have, infront of others, is very real andvery unpleasant.That on its own can be very debilitating.So to those who refuse to listen.Spend some time in my world and you will soon change your tune.

I do have Aspergers. It's just that I am good at hiding it.

106



FRUSTRATIONWITH OTHERS

A BAD DAY TO BE A BULLYWhen people try to step on my toes



I do my best to avoid itBut there is just so many times that I can sidestepThen when this little twig decides to snapOh beware!

They taunted me

Calling me namesThe one the liked the most was GrannyJust because I got glasses in Sub B

As the years went by they didn't stopI already wasn't a social butterflyThis just made it worseBut one dayIn about standard 3I had had enough

A Filipino boy in my classHe got the fright of his lifeWhen he startedInstead of just 'taking it'I lifted him by his shirt off the groundHe was at least a head shorter than me

His eyes grew wideI told him if he tried that again he would be sorryIn the meanest voice I couldHe was so in shock he didn't try to resistI had never reacted this way beforeThen I calmly and gently deposited him on the groundAnd turned to leave

To my shock The principal our small schoolWas only a few meters away watchingHe said nothingBut later he did not punish me either for reacting with violence

I guess he knew I wouldn't really follow throughI normally shyed away from that kind of behavior Yet I had made my pointAfter that no one bothered me in primary school

107

A FLASH OF BRILLIANCEThat's beautiful



Or That is really goodA flash of brilliance They sayWhy do you hide your talent?

Not use them to make a living out of it

Or at least aid you along the way

But that is where the problem liesA flash of brillianceA flash is all it isOnly here for a momentThen it is goneUnable to permanently harness its power

It comes and goes in wavesMost times with very long periods in betweenAny pressure to performAnd it doesn't come at all

Skills learned quickly by othersSometimes comes slowlyMany times in random bitsIt's like putting a jigsaw puzzle together at times

And when enough comes together at the right timePeople seem to think you know a lot more than you are letting on

Not realising there are huge gaps in your skillsOr understanding of a subjectYou just happen to know that bitOr what to do in that exact situationBut not a similar one

And the panic that comesWhen people expect you to be able to do this all the time

Not always understanding that you cannot

108

AN EMBARRASSING SITUATIONA while ago my great uncle died







My Dad, brother and me were able to doBut not my MomThe funeral was at such short noticeTwo days after he diedOnly to be told late the night before about itWe were expecting it to be at least a week



One of the wives of my uncles I had greeted outside!The look that she gave meWhen I came back to apologiseEven after trying to explainAbout my problem with faces




109

BLINKERSAll your life you have had blinkers on



Only seeing some of the worldOnly what is right before youYou cannot see the rest of the worldBut you do not know you have them on

When you do notice something is off

You are told by others that you are imagining thingsStop trying to get out of thingsOr looking for ghosts that are not there

Even the professionals refuse to see you have them onThen again they too have blinkers onIf it doesn't fit their little neat boxes it doesn't existOnly looking in one directionIgnoring anything along the way

But those blinkers are beginning to chafeThey cannot deny that you have themYou can tell they are thereBut they keep trying

Then one dayYou come across what someone has writtenYour blinkers begin to come looseThe more you readThe looser they getAnd when you really get itThey are now gone

Some still try to deny itBut free of the blinkersYou know who you areYou understand things better You now have a voiceAnd no matter what others sayThey cannot take that away.

(For those who do not know what Blinkers are. The are used on donkeys and horses, a covering for their eyes, that only allows them to see what is strait infront of them and nothing else.)

110

ACCEPTANCEIt seems that Acceptance



Comes easy for someHarder for others

In some casesIt can be those aroundThose who are struggling

Who cannot accept Not the person dealing with the issueThey who have embraced it

So the tables are turnedThose who would normally be their supportBeing patient with them as they deal with things

Now need the support and patience

To accept that this is the way life isFor a loved one or friendMourn the hopes and dreams they once had for themTo work through things as they are nowAnd what they could be

DENIAL

Why do people not want to face the reality of the situation?

Rather live in denialStick their heads in the sandStruggling through it on their own

Instead of facing it No matter how scary it may seem to beTaking one step at a timeBringing light to the subjectTalking to others that are or have gone through the sameSharing the load

Instead they are blundering in the dark Doing more harm than goodTo themselves and to others

111

DO NOT LIMIT MEMany who hear what you have



Try to hem you inMost do not realise that they doLimiting your options

But I will not let this be Not accepting that you say I can't

I know I am limited in certain waysBut that doesn't mean I won't tryIt is my choice of which battles I wish to face

Not yours

There will be timesWhen I kick and push against these barriers that I haveDo not stop meHelp me instead

FINDING WORK

Looking for work Finding it hard

No maths No science No car licenseOnly bike

FrustratedWant to improve my lotUnable to do the things now mandatory

Most jobs that don't need this200 or more people ahead of you wanting itPay is much less than cost of food and rent per monthAlso hard on my sensory and social issues

Lucky to work for parentsFor nowBut what happens when they retire?Want to work Don't want hand outs

112

GET THE MESSAGE YET?



People keep saying,“Where have you been”

“We've missed you”

Most times in a patronising voice of some kind. Nothing makes my blood boil quicker.

I said I was going to be awayI said I didn't like been in crowds

Yet they still ask.They don't listen.

I don't tweet and twit.I don't use facebook.

I don't use mixit.I barely use my cell phone.

I was born before personal cell phones, computers and the

internet.When cell phones were available, they cost a pretty penny andwere sizes of bricks.

Most didn't have computers, even when I was in high school.The internet was only something you heard about and was

expensive to use.

You may be addicted to your little electronic boxes.I am not.It has resulted in you constantly being in communication with

someone all the time.The problem is now you don't know how to be by yourself.

Well my message is this.Don't make your problem mine. 113

I WANT TO BE ALONEI don't mind being around people some of the time



But I need my alone timeThe constant bombardment of things happening around meConstantly trying to readjust to itIt is very draining

I just need to get away from it

Being constantly being on my toesMust not make a mistakeCan be very stressfulPeople say you don't have to take partYou can just sit there and watch

They do not understandEven just sitting there trying to be invisible is still too muchThe noiseThe going onsAnd people will never truly let you beYou are continually trying to fend them off

You are tired of doing soThe looks you get are not always pleasantSo when I say noOr want to be alonePlease respect my decision

NOW WILL YOU LET ME BE?

I said I wanted to be aloneYou wouldn't listenI said I don't like crowdsYou wouldn't listen

Well I've done the deedI've taken the testI am not anti-socialI am Autistic

Now get off my back and let me be.

114

MOUNTAINS OR MOLE HILLS?Ever hear the saying.



Don't make a mountain out of a mole hill.Meaning it is not that badSo don't make it sound so

But the problem for me isWhat you see as a mole hill

Is a mountain for me No I am not over reactingThis is how my life is

What is easy for you to deal withIs not for meI have to learned to climb everyone of those mountainsOr figure a way roundBut it takes time and patienceRushing meOr telling me to get over itIs the worst thing you can do

So just remember thisSo what you see as a speed bumpOn your lovely tarred road of lifeFor me there is no roadI have to hack my way through to my destinationCreating a pass though the mountainsWhile avoiding the dangers lurking in the jungle

THE IRONIE

I Know I think out of the boxI know I am differentBut you would not listenI'm tired of defending my actions that fall on deaf ears.

I have accepted that I am who I amWithout having to know the cause.But you still won'tWhy do I have to try and get a piece of paper from a psychologist, stating that there is somethingwrong with me to get you to listen?

Now I've spent a small fortuneI'm stuck with a labelAre you listening now?Or is this still not enough?

I AM AUTISIC!!!!LEAVE ME BE! 115

RECOGNITION






Er.. Hello I am in my 30'sYou bristle with frustration

They are not listeningYou have had this problem all you life

You cannot remember the faces many a timeJust a few minutes to a day later after meetingYet you spoke to them for at least half an hour Even those you have known for years you do not recogniseJust because they are not where you normally meet themOr they have changed something with their appearanceEven in small measures this can throw one into turmoil

116

You are constantly playing detectiveTrying to figure out who is before youBy their style of dress



What they sayOr how they moveAnd where you meet them

You have learned tricks to hide the factThat you do not recognise them

I have learned to greet people without using their namesI have learned to get people's attention without using their namesIf I know have have to speak to them later once more that dayI take careful note of their clothingOr get others to find them for you and get them to come to you



117

RECOGNITION – PART 2 – THE EXPERIMENTProsopagnosia (Face Blindness)



IS NO JOKE!It is far more serious than many seem to realiseSince so many just don't get it

We shall do an experimentAsk a friend to gather 20 random people you know

From anywhereChurch, work or friends you know wellEven someone you know from the shop you go regularly toTheir choice

You are not allowed to meet them till later Once they all have been gatheredHave them all put on the exact same ski masksMaking sure that their heads are completely coveredIncluding their hair


You must identify each personOne by oneWithout them telling you their namesEither by the way they dressSoundMoveOr what they say

No obvious hints may be given


So give a thoughtBefore you brush someone off When they say they have a problemJust because it doesn't sound or appear to be that badAs they say it isDoesn't mean it isn't

You may only be seeing what they could not cope withOr hide about their conditionAnd definitely not the tremendous strain it puts them under to keep it up

118

SHOPPING FOR CLOTHESA mystery has always been around shopping for clothes



Why is it while others find what they want within minutesWhile for me it can take months just to find one item?And its not for the lack of tryingHow do they do it?

Is it because I am between sizes?

Between clothing for normal and larger people?A Girl, but need hardy clothing not flimsy office wear?The wrong shape?Too modest for the ever shrinking or see through clothes?Issues with my sensory problems?

Or is it the simple problem of sizing?These are the questions I have to ask Is it made in China?Is it made in South Africa?If so, was it a South African or Chinese pattern that was used?Or was is it made in America?

Why ask which country?Here is the answer China – at least 2 sizes too small, sometimes moreSouth African – the size they should beAmerican – about 2 sizes too big

When it comes to shoesWe shall not go thereThat is another whole story on it's own.

If someone knows the secret to finding clothesPlease let me know!



Finding which piece goes whereTrying to place all the fragments together To try and get a better pictureBut even if I find all the piecesThe view of what I see is still fragmented.And of what you see of me reflecting back at you 119

SOMETHING IS JUST NOT RIGHTAll your life you know something isn't quite right with you.



Others too see it too.But what is it?

No one knows.To others you're just quirky or one the who thinks out of the box.

You try to explain what you are experiencing.

But can't most times.When able to do so in part, you are told:You are imagining things.To get over yourself.Everyone is also dealing with that.So you keep quiet, put your head down and carry on.

You want to be alone.People don't want to accept this.You don't like certain foods. Like Onions.They call you a picky eater.How would you like it if all you tasted was onions and nothing else of the food? Yuk.

Need order. Not amused when someone disrupts that.People must leave your things where you put them.Must not be late for things.Even better, arrive earlier.Certain touches make you want to climb the walls.Loud noises are a pain.

You react badly or show displeasure at your world been disrupted in some way.People shake their heads in amusement or are puzzled.You are frustrated that no one seems to understand you or is willing to try to.Everyone seems to expect you to be like them.How can you when you don't seemed to be working from the same script as everyone else.

Frustration builds.You have a blow up about the way people are reacting to you.You seek help once more.This time the you recognised some symptoms from an article on the net.The psychologist listens.Some help she is.She says you have Aspergers, but doesn't believe it is a condition.So refuses to state it on paper.You are angry at first.Then you realise that you have the answer of why you are different, even if there is no paperwork for now.

Your actions make more senseMany of the others you tell about this are now starting to listen to you.

Now knowing what is the matter, you can deal with it and make life a little easier. Never give up.You may see the world a little differently to others, but so what, we were never meant to be the same.

120

THE LOOK



I may miss some body language and expressions people show at timesBut the one that hurts and affects me mostI am cursed to know

To me the look people giveThat says they are extremely disappointed in me

Like a parent would a childWith the threatening look behind itJust wait missy till we get homeYou are in big trouble now!

Most times I have no ideaWhat I did wrongBut I do my best

Not to do it againOf what you think I may have done

But the feeling one getsFrom the look that they giveMakes you want the ground to swallow you whole

THE UNWRITTEN RULES

You get the look.

What?You shouldn't have done that.Done what?

You broke the rules.What rules?You don't know of any rules written down, that say you can't.

Not all rules are written down.

If they are not written down, how are you supposed to know them?You just do.You have no idea what they are talking about.You get the look once more, but no one explains

121

YOU DON'T HAVE ASPERGERS



You don't have AspergersYou hear people say when you tell them.You seem fine.Even the psychologist says that, after she tells you she doesn't believe it is condition.But admits on paper you show strong signs of it.You try walking in my shoes for a day or two and see what you have to say then.

The severity of my symptoms over long periods of time ebb and flow.But I have them. Not as bad as some may get them, but I still have them.Aversion to certain smells, tastes, textures, lights, sounds and even touch.My co-ordination is up the creek.I have difficulty in:Recognising facesHearing on the phoneSpellingProcessing my emotionsUnderstanding and interacting in social situationsI even have difficulty in unfamiliar places finding my way many a timesTaking the scenic route to get there is not my idea of fun, especially when one is in a hurry.That's even sometimes when I use a map.

But when people look at me they don't see that.They don't see the hours and hours of hard work, just to keep up the appearance that everything isfine, including the routines I have developed to get though the day or to deal with certain situations.They don't see the panic, when things start to go wrong.When they do see you do something out of the ordinary, the looks you get are not always pleasant.Or when you refuse to do what everybody else is doing, they hound you and will not listen to you.You try to explain, but have difficulty in doing so.Your conditions seems to baffle them and the reaction from most is the same every time.They just say get over yourself.

I am still lucky, most of my symptoms many a times are more of an irritation to me at times, thandebilitating.But the embarrassment from doing something you shouldn't have, infront of others, is very real andvery unpleasant.That on its own can be very debilitating.So to those who refuse to listen.Spend some time in my world and you will soon change your tune.

I do have Aspergers. It's just that I am good at hiding it.

122



DETERMINATION-

ATTITUDE

A NOTE TO PROFESSIONALS



Getting a diagnosisDoes not mean the end of my world

Getting a diagnosisDoes not mean I will give up on life

Getting a diagnosisDoes not mean I will use it as an excuse to do nothing

Getting a diagnosisDoes not mean I will expect everyone to wait hand and foot on me

Getting a diagnosisDoes not mean I will live my life recklesslyAnd blame it on my condition

Getting a diagnosisMeans things make more senseUnderstanding why you do the things you do

Getting a diagnosisMeans I can get help when I need it

Getting a diagnosisMeans I can learn to work around the problem where possibleRemember if you don't acknowledge that there is a problem, how can you deal with it?

Getting a diagnosisMeans people are more understanding if I struggle with something

Getting a diagnosisMeans I can be free to be meAnd not have to pretend I am something I am not

Getting a diagnosisMeans I can make informed decisions in my lifeOn what I can and should do

Without it things could go badlySO WHY THE HECK ARE YOU PEOPLE SO RELUCTANT TO GIVE ME ONE?You are here to help

Not hurtYou took an oath remember?

123

ACCEPTANCE



It seems that AcceptanceComes easy for someHarder for others

In some cases

It can be those aroundThose who are strugglingWho cannot accept

Not the person dealing with the issueThey who have embraced it

So the tables are turnedThose who would normally be their supportBeing patient with them as they deal with things

Now need the support and patience

To accept that this is the way life isFor a loved one or friendMourn the hopes and dreams they once had for themTo work through things as they are nowAnd what they could be

DO NOT LIMIT ME

Many who hear what you haveTry to hem you inMost do not realise that they doLimiting your options

But I will not let this be Not accepting that you say I can'tI know I am limited in certain waysBut that doesn't mean I won't tryIt is my choice of which battles I wish to face

Not yours

There will be timesWhen I kick and push against these barriers that I haveDo not stop meHelp me instead

124

DO YOU KNOW YOU ARE DISABLED?



People have askedIf I miss not been like othersBut I was born this wayHow can mourn for something I have never had?True at times, I wish could do some of the things others can do

But don't we all wish we could do something amazing that you have seen done by others?

So how to I explain this to you?Well here goes....

If all the people in the world had four armsAnd you only twoYou would be aware at times you are differentBut would you see yourself as disabled?

Do you really know what it means to have four arms? Not reallyYou can just imagineYou take note what others can doThey do some things with easeWhere you would struggle with it

Like closing a over stuffed suitcaseBy holding the case closed with one set of handsAnd using their other set to close the latches

Tying that a annoying parcelBy holding the string with one set of handsThen tying it closed using their other set of hands

They can carry many more things in their handsWhen moving small thingsThey can move double the amount you can when doing so

They can also do things faster than youAn advantage of having an extra set of hands

Many who have four armsWould either look down on youOr have pity on youAs you only have two armsSome even ignoring the fact

Life may not have given you four armsBut you have learned to adapt

The over stuffed suitcase?You sit on it

Then close the latches 125The parcel?



Use packaging tape

As for carrying lots of thingsYou would use a box or bagTo move the same amount of items

So when it comes to doing thingsYou may be a bit slower than othersAs you can only do it at half the speedBut you persevereKnowing in the end you will get it done

Though at times you may need to ask for help along the wayYou have grown up seeing this way of life as normalAs no one made a big fuss about you only having two armsInstead of four

So for the most partUnless someone points out that you do things differentlyOr you realise that you struggle with something others do notYou do not realise things are supposed to be different

I AM A GIRL

I am a girlThat part is trueBut not the kind of girl most people expect

I am not into fashionI hate frilly thingsI do not paint my nailsI hate the colour pink

I lean more towards what boys likeBut not too much I think I like to ride a scrambler And learn to survive in the bush

I like my Blue JeansDresses are not for meSo needless to say I do not fit the mold

Although it has taken timeI have accepted who I amI am a girl who likes to do things a little differently

126



HAVING A POSITIVE ATTITUDE

How is it that you are always happy?They ask Despite what you have faced

Despite knowing what you will still faceOr what you may face in the future?

My answer is simply thisBesides my inner strength and faith that comes from Heavenly Father I was blessed with parents who raised me well

While many would wallow in sadnessAt knowing something was wrongThough no one had answers for themThey did not

As I grew older they passed this knowledge on to meSome of it by words and other by deedsFocus on what you can doWork as best you can at what you struggle with

If you can't get it right like others canWork out a different way of doing itIf that doesn't work Work around the problem

Never give up

You can do it

I am not super humanI do have my off daysBut the love of ones parentsAnd with my faith in Heavenly Father I know I will get there

Being happy is a beautiful giftBut it is also a choiceSeeing the joy in lifeDespite what may ale youWe all in our lives have challengesJust some are bigger than others

Though at times it may take a while longer to get to where we need and want to goBut if you face the journey of life with a happy heartIt will make the journey more pleasant and seemingly less long!

127



I AM NOT DISABLED

I am not disabled No more than if I was a foreigner in this landLike them I do not fully understand your culture

Mine is different to yoursDespite all my years of been hereI still do not fully get itTrue many of my counter partsDo need special help from time to timeAnd perhaps even me one day

But a lot of it is because of other issuesMany brought on by your cultureWho can't seem to accept

That not everyone fits into your neat little boxes

As the years have passedI have noticedThis has gotten worse

Not only for someone like meBut any who do not fit the mold

To not accept those who do not think like youYour culture is doomed to dieFor all the forward thinkers

Nomatter the cultureAll thought out of the boxIsn't it about time you did too?

WHICH IS BETTER?

It is a question I have often asked myself.

To be aware that I am not always doing things the way others doThe looks I get at times because of it.Then the upward battle to make sure you don't do it again

Or to be blissfully unawareOf the looks or of my actions not being exactly rightBut then I think of the heartache this may causeMy parents do not deserve to have thatThey have sacrificed and dealt with so much

So as I think of this dilemma I know what the answer will beBut still at times you do wishThat life was not always feeling like Mount EverestWhile others seem to be crossing life with ease 128



JUST BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE IT

There are many things I do not likeOr feel comfortable in doingThat most do without thinking about it

That to them is just the way it should beJust because I don't like itIt doesn't mean I won't try some of itFrom time to timeBut not when pushed

Encouragement is welcomedBut not by forceLet me set the paceFor me the time you want me to do it in

Is just not right to me

But if gently encouraged along the wayThis delicate flower that stands before youWill begin to bloomThe wonders you will see

So just because I don't like itDo not give up on meBut learn a different way of seeingOf what my world could be

OUT OF THE BOX

You don't think like othersYou think out of the boxBut so what?

Look back in historyWhat do you see?Those that made the biggest contributions to the worldThey thought out of the box

True you may not be a genius like manyIt doesn't mean you can't make a difference.You still canHelp others to see things from your angleHelp them too, to think out of the box

Imagine a world where no one is in their own little world

A box so smallThat they do not see there are other ways of seeing thingsHow much better this world would beIf we all thought out of the box. 129



JUST PLAIN STUBBORN

Your world is difficult at timesYou put down your head and just carry onYou are just plain stubborn

Things can be overwhelming at timesYou take one step at a timeYou put down your head and just carry onYou are just plain stubborn

Others ignore your cries for helpOr just don't understand.So you do your best to figure things out on your own.You put down your head and just carry onYou are just plain stubborn

You struggle to do things, others do with ease.It takes you hours, even days what others do in a few minutes.You put down your head and just carry onYou are just plain stubborn

While everyone else seems to know the script to life by heartYou do not and seem to loose the plot at times.Others do not react well to thisYou put down your head and just carry onYou are just plain stubborn

You look back at all have done, despite all you have facedYou are amazed.“I did all that?” you say in disbelief.Many of the things, you seem to be dealing quite well with in you own way.Others are surprised, knowing what ails you.It is not normal for someone like you to do some of those things willingly.You realise why.You put down your head and just carry onYou are just plain stubborn

Remember no matter what life throws at you, there is away to get around those stumbling blocks.If you can't go around it or over, DIG!It may take you a little longer to get there, but you will get there.The key is never to give up.So in the mean time, put your head down and just carry on.Being just plain stubborn has it's rewards!

130



THE LESSON OF THE ROLLER SKATES

I wanted roller skates for my birthdayYou will be turning 6 this year Both your parents are in utter shock at the request

You cannot even ride your bicycle without training wheels Now you want this?!

I got them for my birthdayBecause I had askedDespite my parents fears for meAs ungainly at times I could be

They firmly believedIf I wanted to try something newThey would not stop me

Despite their misgivings

To their surprise and othersI took to them like a duck to water Yet I was nearly 8 before I could ride my bicycle without training wheelsAnd struggled with so many other things

When it came to trying new thingsOnly if in danger Would my parents say noOtherwise they would encourage me as much as possible

Not been hung upon seeing my limitationsWhich as a child I didn't seeAllowing me to the surprise of manyTo go beyond what they thought could beAllowing me to find my own pathSpreading my wings as I did so

131



THE RINGING DOORBELL SYNDROME

People seem to ignore me when I speak This seems to happen quite a lotEspecially when I am trying to get them to give me an order number for work that was done

Or for them to fix a problem on their sideI have found a wayWithout screaming and shoutingOr using four letter wordsTo get what I need

It may take patience and the determination of a bulldog at firstBut with those who continually ignore youEspecially in the line of business related problemsWith companies or people

You know you will have continuous contact withThis works best

Have you ever tried to ignore a ringing doorbell? Not so easy is it?You have to answer it eventually

When people hear me on the phoneI can hear the cringe in their voicesYes I have now phoned for the hundredth timeBut eventually they give me what I want

It doesn't mean I don't get stressedHaving to do this over and over Does eventually get to meI am highly strung in that regardAnd would prefer I didn't have to

But once the hard work is over I have found not too many can be as stubborn as meMost now quickly jump toWhen they hear me on the other end of the line

Knowing it is the only way to get rid of me

So when people try to ignore youKeep ringing that doorbellThey will have to answer it in the endBut the trick is don't stop till they do

132



WONDERINGS OF WHAT WILL BE

It is good to have found outBefore certain choices were madeIf they were made before what I know now

Things could and most likely would have been much harder for meBut it does leave me with some questions of what will beWill I be able to find someone in this lifetime?Be with him?I know that most likely I will not have my own childrenShocking but true

I do so love childrenBut I am a realist tooI need a lot of time out from the world

The older and more stressed I getThe more I seem to need toSuch neglect I cannot do

No child deserves thatAn absent or half hearted parent

But what love I do haveI can still give to another who has noneOr to one just needs a little extraEven if it is only for a few hours

But in the mean timeI will place my trust in Heavenly Father.What I may want or think I needHe may require differently of meKnowing there is reason for all thingsAnd a time for them too.

133



YOUR INNER STRENGTH

Many say:You are so strongYou are coping with what?

How are you able to do what you do?You are always smiling when I see youHow do you do it?

This I can tell youOne cannot deny itThat strength is there when you need it the mostWhen you come to the end of your tether When you think you cannot no more

It fills you with hope

You know he is thereSo give him your thanks and your praisesAnd never forgetHeavenly Father is there

134



MISCELLANEOUS



A VERY DIFFERENT STUDENT

We want you to be a Primary Teacher They sayFor kids with special needs

When you are give a callingThere is only one answer YES!Though at times it can be a huge leap of faith when doing soMost have little or no idea of how to do their calling when they start

You are luckier than most this timeYou know how to teach little onesYou did it for a number of yearsYou know what Autism is

How in some ways it can affect a childYou have it tooJust not as badlySo, much studying has been done

The week before your first lessonMany questions are askedSo you can best prepare for your class of oneThough you know it will take time to get things rightEvery child with Autism is different

The next week comes around quicklyThe 'little' boy is thereIn class he cannot sit still for very longHe is looking at everything in his hyper active way

When he does sit for a momentHe plays with the little plastic disks

Not putting them in the tinBut rubbing them over each other on the floor Enjoying the noise they make

Any interruptionsFrom others opening the door Upset him greatlyThen all he wants is outYou know this problem has to be solvedOr this class will never work

As the lesson time continuesYou watch as he tries to make sense of this new world he is inYou feel the spirit whisper too youThis child is specialAnd despite his screeches and screams of upset or wanting to go where he cannotYou do not feel the rise any panic or loss of controlThat a normal child would have you feeling 135



Things are strangely calmYou feel the spirit whisper Everything will be ok

Also knowing it will take timeFor him to get to know you

And you to know him

135



IndexPage

A Bad day to be a bully 107A Flash of Brilliance 73,108A note to professionals 1,123A Very Different Student 135Acceptance 111,124Always Been Misunderstood 5Always lagging behind 68An automatic reaction 5,79An Embarrassing situation 16,29,77,109Are you ok? 15Blinkers 110Box A or B 56,80Broken Telephone 6, 30Cannot find the words 7Cleaning House 61Dealing with Smells 31Denial 111Difficulty in explaining 7Do I know you? 33Do not limit me 112,124Do you know you are disabled 125Feelings 79,85Finding work 112

Fragile Writings 65Friends 86Get the message yet? 113Hanging on for dear life 15,102Having a positive attitude 127Hermione's Bottomless Bag 26I am a girl 126I am not disabled 87,128I don't want to play Tennis 50I hate forms 57I just am 8,81

I like order 17Ignored 9I want to be alone 114Just because I don't like it 129Just plain stubborn 130Just visiting 86Lemonade 32Lesson of the roller skates 131Living in between 85Look at me 33Make-up 34Mind your manners 51Mountains or Mole Hills 115Move faster 52 136



Mustn't be late 17 No imagination 10,65 Now will you let me be 114Out of the box 129Paperless is better 53,58Playing the pretend game 18,103

Playing with children 68Please don't touch me that way 35Recognition 36,74.116Recognition - part 2 - The experiment 38,76,118Shopping for clothes 39,119Something is just not right 120Sorry we can't help you 2Sparkly things 41Spelling 59Stressed 19Stuck in time 69Tattletale or Good Citizen? 82The Alien 88The Baptism 40The Bee in my Bonnet 60The car ride 43The Clumsy one 54The Collection Bug 62,78The conversation 11The dance 43,52The Food Minefield 42The invisible barrier 9,88The Ironie 115The lesson of the Roller Skates 55The Little Girl Inside 20,66,101The longing 70,89The look 104,121The picky eater 44The Pressure Cooker 22,104The Rat Race 22The realization 10,67The relevance of time 18

The ringing doorbell syndrome 132The Shattered Mirror 11,30,87,103,119The slow poke 21The sound of an argument 44The 'Tantrum' 12The Terror of Responsibility 24,71The Tightrope Walkers 23The Troublesome Toothbrush 45The unquiet mind 63The unwritten rules 12,121The wall flower 90

Tintin the Movie 46Tired 64Unlocking the door 13 137



What on earth is going on? 47Whats in a name? 105What's the point of it all? 90When inspiration hits 13Where have all the good doctors gone 4Where is my script? 25,83,100

Where is the order? 28Which is better 128Who are you? 82Why aren't you listening? 14,45,84Woe is me 3Wonderings of what will be 48,133You don't have Aspergers 106,122You got lost....where? 49You inner strength 134You're an adult now 27,72

Discovering me - Combination of books 1 and 2 (by category)

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Transcript of Discovering me - Combination of books 1 and 2 (by category)