Diesel Island Passport 3
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Transcript of Diesel Island Passport 3
To whom it may concern:
Let the bearer of this passport
enter and exit Diesel Island territory
at will, without any requirements
of visa, taking off their shoes or having
to throw away their ridiculously
overpriced water at airport gates...
for this person is a citizen
of Diesel Island.
( F l a t t e r i n g f u l lb o d y p h o t o g r a p h )
HAVE A N ICE BAY
SEXUAL ENERGYFACT ORY
GOAT ’ S BALLSSHAPED L AGOON
OOPSYCL IFFS
P IRATE RAD IOSTAT ION
P ILLOW F IGHTTRENCHES
SHAKE AND MOAN BUSHES
CROOKED SENAT OR ’ SPATH
ADDICT I VEGRAFF IT I BAY
HONEST POL IT IC I AN ’ SREPOSE
EVERY REL IG IONRETRE AT
SOC IAL MEDIAREHAB CENTER
BACHELOR PART IES L AGOON
FREE BAY
For a v i r tua l t our o f t h e i s l and , go t o www.d i e s e l . c om
T H E D R E A MAll countries are f***ed up. With capital asterisks.
Some of them, beyond hope.
Now, what would it be like to start a nation from scratch?To take what’s great from the countries we knowand to ditch what is bad. To re-write the laws.
To right social wrongs.
To apply the principles of Stupid to a new land,free from the dumb laws and regulations that we don’t even
question anymore. A new and better society. There’s no stupider idea than this.
We had two options: to conquer an island by invadingand killing its natives (like other countries did and still do),
or to offer them money for it.
Well, Diesel has high moral values, and you wouldn’t believe the price of weapons these days, so it was an easy choice.
Then, we needed to give it a name. And after months and months of thinking, we came up with a highly original
& utterly unexpected name: Diesel Island.
The real land of the Stupid and home of the Brave.
T H E B I R T H O F A N A T I O NFilled with hopes, aspirations, a few suitcases with really
cool clothing, and quite a bit of cash,the pioneers arrived at Diesel Island to form a new nation.
There was a slight problem because the island belongs toanother country, but as long as their military doesn’t find out
that we’ve declared independence, we’ll be fine.
Pioneers arrived in Diesel Island seekingrefuge from tyrannical regimes, economic crisis,
political corruption and reality shows.A new nation was born.
D I E S E L I S L A N D ’ S F L A G WA S C R E AT E DF R O M T H R E E PA I R S O F J E A N S P U T T O G E T H E R , I N O R D E R T O R E P R E S E N T D I F F E R E N T K I N D S
O F P E O P L E C O E X I S T I N G I N P E R F E C T H A R M O N Y. (A beautiful metaphor that we always have to explain
because otherwise nobody gets it.)
T h e l e a s t f u c k e d u p c o u n t r y i n t h e w o r l d . B u t g i v e u s t i m e .
L I F E O N T H E I S L A N D
I N A L A N D FA R , FA R AWAY F R O M T H E H OU S I N G C R I S I S …
G E N D E R E QUA L I T Y I S L AW O N D I E S E L I S L A N D .W O M E N A R E PA I D E X AC T LY T H E S A M E A S M E N .
(And they both enjoy maternity leave as well.)
T H E R E ’ S N O C E N S O R S H I P O N D I E S E L I S L A N D ,S O B L O G G E R S C A N W R I T E W H AT E V E R T H E Y WA N T.
(This may change when internet accessis finally installed on the island.)
P I C T U R E D H E R E I S T H E M O N U M E N TT O T H E V E RY F I R S T PA I R O F S H O E S T H AT E V E R
S E T F O OT O N D I E S E L I S L A N D .W H Y T H E Y W E R E H O N O R E D W I T H A M O N U M E N T
I S B E Y O N D U S .
T H E P I O N E E R S S I N G T H E A N T H E MW I T H A H A N D O N T H E I R H E A RT S
T O M A K E S U R E E V E RY B O DY N OT I C E SH OW C O O L T H E I R WAT C H E S A R E .
D I E S E L I S L A N D ’ SN A T I O N A L A N T H E M
This is the land of the Stupid,This is the land of the Brave.
And our hearts rejoice to knowThat we’re the least fucked up country of all.
Japan, they work too hard,Nigeria is too corrupt,
Greece has gone bankrupt,We are the least fucked up country of all.
The French are a little bit arsey,While Australia’s too laid back,
It’s too hot in Ecuador,We are the least fucked up country of all.
Italy too much pasta, Jamaica too much rasta,Sweden is way too cold,
We are the least fucked up country of all.
China is overpopulated,Junk food in the USA,
Venezuela may start a war,We are the least fucked up country of all.
Diesel Island, Diesel Island…The place the Stupid and the Brave
Call home.
Diesel Island’s anthem is being updated constantly.Write your own verses at www.diesel.com
S O C I A L I S S U E SD I E S E L I S L A N D ’ S P O L I C Y
T O E N D R E L I G I OU S H AT E :M A K I N G E V E RY R E L I G I OU S H O L I D AY
N O N - W O R K I N G F O R A L L .
J A N U A R YMary, Mother of God - Catholic ChristianFeast of St Basil - Orthodox ChristianGantan-sai (New Year) - Shinto
Twelfth Night - ChristianGuru Gobindh Singh birthday - Sikh
Epiphany - ChristianFeast of the Theophany - Orthodox ChristianDia de Reyes - Hispanic ChristianNativity of Christ - Armenian Orthodox Christian
Nativity of Christ - Orthodox Christian
Baptism of the Lord Jesus - Christian
Maghi - Sikh
World Religion Day - Baha’i
Blessing of the Animals - Hispanic Catholic Christian
Mahayana New Year - Buddhist
Tu B’shvat - Jewish
Timkat - Ethiopian Orthodox Christian
Conversion of Saint Paul - Christian
F E B R U A R YCandlemas - ChristianPresentation of Christ in the Temple - Imbolc - Lughnassad - Wicca / Pagan
Setsubun-sai - ShintoChinese New Year - Confucian, Daoist, Buddhist
Four Chaplains Sunday - InterfaithTriodion begins - Orthodox Christian
Vasant Panchami - Hindu
Saint Valentine’s Day - Christian
Nirvana Day - Buddhism - JainMawlid an Nabi - Islam
Week of Prayer for Christian Unity - Christian
Saint Matthew, Apostle and Evangelist - Christian
Intercalary Days - Baha’i
Meatfare Sunday - Orthodox Christian
A P R I LNew Year - Hindu
Ramayana - Hindu
Qingming - Chinese traditional
Ramanavami - Hindu
Baisakhi - Sikh
Lazarus Saturday - Orthodox Christian
Palm / Passion Sunday - ChristianMahavir Jayanti - Jain
Theravadin New Year - Buddhist
Lord’s Evening Meal - Jehovah’s Witness ChristianHanuman Jayanti - Hindu
Pesach (Passover) - Jewish
First Day of Ridvan - Baha’iMaundy Thursday - Christian
Good (Holy) Friday - All Christians
Black Saturday - ChristianSt. George Day - Christian
Easter - All Christians
Ninth Day of Ridvan - Baha’i
St. James the Great Day - Orthodox Christian
M A YYom HaSho’ah - JewishBeltane - Samhain - Wicca/Pagan
Twelfth Day of Ridvan - Baha’i
National Day of Prayer - Interfaith USA
Yom Ha’Atzmaut - Jewish
Buddha Day - Visakha Puja - Buddhist
Lag B’Omer - Jewish
Declaration of the Bab - Baha’i
Ascension of Baha’u’llah - Baha’i
1
5
6
7
9
13
16
17
19 -21
20
19
25
4
4-12
5
12
14
16
17
18 -21
18
19 -26
21
22
23
24
29
30
2
3
6
8
14
15
18 -25
24
26-March 1
27
1
2
5
9
17
22
23
29
D I E S E L I S L A N D ’ S N O N - W O R K I N G H O L I D A Y S C A L E N D A R 2 0 1 1
M A R C HSaint David of Wales - Christian
Four Chaplains Sunday - Christian/Jewish Interfaith
Nineteen Day Fast - Baha’i
Maha Shivaratri - Hindu
Cheesefare Sunday - Orthodox ChristianTransfiguration Sunday - Christian
Clean Monday - Great Lent begins - Orthodox Christian
Shrove Tuesday - Christian
Ash Wednesday - Lent begins - Christian
Orthodox Sunday - Orthodox ChristianBirthday of L. Ron Hubbard - Scientology
St Patrick’s Day - Christian
Magha Puja Day - BuddhistSaint Joseph’s Day - Christian
Purim - JewishOstara -Wicca / Pagan northern hemisphereMabon -Wicca / Pagan southern hemisphereHoli - HinduHola Mohalla - Sikh
Norouz (New Year) - Persian/ZoroastrianNaw Ruz (New Year) - Baha’i
Annunciation of the Blessed Virgin Mary - Christian
Khordad Sal (Birth of Prophet Zaranhushtra) - Zoroastrian
J U N EAscensionof Christ - Orthodox ChristianAscension of Jesus - Christian
Shavuot - Jewish
Saint Columba of Iona - Celtic Christian
All Saints - Orthodox Christian
Pentecost - Christian
Guru Arjan Dev martyrdom - Sikh
All Saints - OrthodoxChristianNew Church Day - Swedenborgian ChristianTrinity Sunday - ChristianTimkat - Ethiopian Orthodox Christian
First Nations Day- Canadian Native PeopleLitha - Wicca / Pagan northern hemisphereYule - Wicca / Pagan southern hemisphere
Corpus Christi- Catholic Christian
Lailat al Miraj - Islam
Saints Peter and Paul - Christian
2
8-9
9
10
12
16
19
21 Solstice
23
28
29
1
2
2 -20
3
6
7
8
9
13
17
19
20 Equinox
21
25
28
J U L YSacred Heart of Jesus - Catholic Christian
Martyrdom of the Bab * - Baha’i
Saint Benedict Day - Catholic Christian
Lailat al Bara’ah - IslamAsalha Puja Day - BuddhistSaint Vladimir Day - Christian
Ulambana - Japan Buddhist
Pioneer Day - Mormon Christian
Birthday of Emperor Haili Selassi I - Rastafari
St. James the Great Day - Christian
A U G U S TLammas - ChristianFast in honor of Holy Mother of Lord Jesus - Ramadan begins - Islam
Lughnassad - Imbolc - Wicca / Pagan
Transfiguration of the Lord - Orthodox Christian
Laylat al Kadr - Islam
Tisha B’Av - Jewish
Raksha Bandhan - Hindu
Obon - Shinto
Assumption of Blessed Virgin Mary - Dormition of the Theotokos - Orthodox Christian
Krisha Janmashtami - Hindu
Lailat al Kadr - Islam
Beheading of John the Baptist - Christian
Eid al Fitr - Islam
O C T O B E RSt Francis Day - Catholic Christian
Waqf al Arafa - Hajj Day - Islam
Dasera - Hindu
Yom Kippur - Jewish
Thanksgiving - Interfaith - Canada
Sukkot - Jewish
Birth of the Báb - Baha’iShemini Atzeret - JewishInstallation of Scriptures as Guru Granth - Sikh
Simhat Torah - Jewish
New Year - Jain
Deepavali Hindu
Diwali - Jain - Hindu - Sikh
Milvian Bridge Day - Christian
Reformation Day - Protestant Christian
All Hallows Eve - Christian
N O V E M B E RAll Saints’ Day - ChristianSamhain - Beltane - Wicca/Pagan
All Souls’ Day - Catholic Christian
Hajj - Islam
Eid al Adha - Islam
Guru Nanak Dev Sahib birthday - Sikh
Birth of Baha’u’llah - Baha’i
Nativity Fast begins through Dec. 24
Christ the King - Christian
Thanksgiving - InterfaithGkuru Tegh Bahadur Martyrdom - Sikh
Day of Covenant - Baha’iHijra - New Year - Islam
First Sunday of Advent - Christian
Saint Andrew’s Day- Christian
1
9
11
15
13 -16
24
23
25
4
5
6
8
10
20
21
22
24 -28
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30
31
1
2
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13 -15
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29
31
1
2
4 -7
6
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15
20
24
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27
30
S E P T E M B E RGanesh Chaturthi - HinduEcclesiastical New Year - Orthodox Christian
Paryushana Parva - Jain
Nativity of Mary - Christian
Elevation of the Life Giving Cross - Holy Cross Day - Christian
Mabon - Wicca/Pagan northern hemisphereOstara - Wicca/Pagan southern hemisphere
Meskel - Ethiopian Orthodox Christian
Navaratri - Hindu
Rosh Hashanah - Jewish
Michael and All Angels - Christian
D E C E M B E RAshura - Islam
Saint Nicholas Day - Christian
Bodhi Day (Rohatsu) - BuddhismImmaculate Conception - Catholic Christian
Feast day - Our Lady of Guadalupe - Catholic Christian
Posadas Navidenas through Dec. 15 - Christian
Hanukkah - Jewish
Yule - ChristianYule - Wicca / Pagan northern hemisphereLitha - Wicca / Pagan southern hemisphere
Christmas - ChristianFeast of the Nativity - Orthodox Christian
Zarathosht Diso (Death of Prophet Zarathushtra) - ZoroastrianSaint Stephen, Deacon and Martyr - Christian
Holy Innocents - Christian
Feast of the Holy Family - Catholic Christian
Watch Night - Christian
1
2 -10
8
14
23 Equinox
27
28 -Oct 5
29 -30
29
5
6
8
12
16
21 -28
22 solstice
25
26
28
30
31
P r o p o s e y o u r o w n n o n - w o r k i n g h o l i d a y a t w w w . d i e s e l . c o m
D I E S E L I S L A N D ’ S H E A LT H C A R EM A K E S Y OU WA I T T O O .
BU T T H E WAT C H E S A R E AW E S O M E .
S H E L L S M AY O N LY C O N N E C T P I O N E E R SW I T H T H E S OU N D O F T H E S E A . BU T AT L E A S T
T H E Y ’ R E N OT OV E RC H A R G E D F O R I T.
O N M A R R I A G E :Any kind of marriage is approved by law. Bachelor parties areeven more approved.
O N I N T E L L E C T U A L R I G H T S :Everyone is free to download whatever shit they want on the island. However, there’s no internet connection yet.
O N I N D U S T R Y R E G U L A T I O N S :All monopolies are forbidden on Diesel Island, with the exceptionof the fashion industry.
O N M O N E Y :The Mohawk is Diesel Island’s official currency. The exchangerate varies according to which stock market crashes next.
O N G E N D E R E Q U A L I T Y :Men & women are equal under the law. Bathroom showersare also to be shared.
D I E S E L I S L A N D ’ S B I L L O F R I G H T S
O N B E A R I N G A R M S :Citizens have the right to bear two arms. Two legs too.Two heads, not so sure.
O N E D U C A T I O N :All citizens have the right to public college education, in order to get laid and throw mindless parties.
O N T A X E S :All Diesel Island products are taxi-free. This means that when a citizen buys a product, he or she won’t get a taxi with theirpurchase. Just the product.
O N H U M A N R I G H T S :There will be no torture. Unless it can be safely covered up.
O N P R O P E R T Y :Every family has the right to a decent home, a decent mortgage and a decent foreclosure should they fail to pay the bank back.
Become a c i t izen and wri te your own laws at www.diese l .com
G O V E R N M E N T
I N S P I R E D B Y S O M E O F T H E W O R L D ’ S M O S TP OW E R F U L C OU N T R I E S , D I E S E L I S L A N D P I O N E E R S
E L E C T E D A S T H E I R P R E S I D E N T T H E P E R S O N M O S T L I K E LY T O B E I N V O LV E D I N A S E X UA L S C A N D A L .
Anyone can be pres ident o f Diese l I s land for one day. Become a candidate and vote at www.diese l .com
S I N C E C O M M U N I S M A N D C A P I TA L I S M B O T H FA I L E D , W E W O N ’ T A D O P T A N Y S Y S T E M E N D I N G I N “ I S M ” .
It was a woman who came up with this innovative way to govern.She said: “ As minister of Social Affairs, my goal is to listen to
everyone’s needs, even of those who think differently.I may not fully agree with it, but I won’t deny
that “baaaaaaa” is a thoughtful and provoking opinion.”
D E M O C R A C Y O N D I E S E L I S L A N D
T H E O N LY I N C O N V E N I E N T L E A K S D I E S E L I S L A N D ’ SG OV E R N M E N T H A S T O D E A L W I T H A R E T H E O N E SI N T H E R O O F S O F T H E H OU S E S W H E N I T R A I N S .
D I E S E L I S L A N D ’ S P O L I T I C I A N S A R E H O N E S T. T H E Y S T E A L M O N E Y BU T T H E Y D O N ’ T D E N Y I T.
D I E S E L I S L A N D ’ S QU E E ND O E S N ’ T D O A N Y T H I N G E I T H E R . BU T AT L E A S T S H E LO O K S H OT.
T H E D I E S E L I S L A N D A R M Y P R E PA R I N G F O R B AT T L E . (Against Costa Rica, the only country
in the world without an army.)
H O M E L A N D S E C U R I T YDiesel Island border officers will warmly
welcome any illegal immigrants.(With open arms and the jobs nobody
else wants to do.)
D I E S E L I S L A N D ’ S NAV Y D U R I N GA M I L I TA RY E X E RC I S E I N T H E PAC I F I C
T O T E S T B O M B S .
S U S P I C I OU S PAC K A G E S N E V E R G O U N D E T E C T E DB Y OU R V I G I L A N T B O R D E R O F F I C E R S .
D I E S E L I S L A N D ’ S B O R D E R WA L LP R E V E N T S I L L E G A L I M M I G R A N T S F R O M
WA L K I N G I N T O OU R T E R R I T O RY.(They’ll have to jump in, instead.)
I N D U S T R Y
D I E S E L I S L A N D P I O N E E R S , O N E M I N U T E E XC I T E DA B OU T F I N D I N G 1 OU N C E O F O I L ,
T H E N E X T W O R R I E D A B OU T T H E P O S S I B I L I T YO F A N I N VA S I O N B Y A P OW E R F U L C OU N T RY.
D I E S E L I S L A N D I S T H E W O R L D ’ SL A R G E S T E X P O R T E R O F S E X UA L E N E R G Y.
(Alternative, but not always clean.)
We had sex here.
We had sex here.
We had sex here.
We had sex here.
We had sex here.
We had sex here.
S U S TA I N A B I L I T Y
I N O R D E R T O S AV E WAT E R , D I E S E L I S L A N DP I O N E E R S S H OW E R I N G R OU P S .
T H E P I O N E E R S A R E S E L F - S U F F I C I E N TO R G A N I C FA R M E R S .
(But they still order take-out fromthe neighboring country on Friday nights.)
I N L I G H T O F G LO B A L WA R M I N G , D I E S E L I S L A N D E R SE X P E R I M E N T W I T H N E W F O R M S O F S U S TA I NA B L E
T R A N S P O RTAT I O N , L I K E T H E W I N D - P OW E R E D C A R .
(If it works, we’ll start exporting itto flooded countries.)
B E C O M E A D I E S E L I S L A N D C I T I Z E N !Diesel is creating a new and better nation.Join the cause and become a citizen.Fill in the citizenship application form in the next page
or go to www.diesel.com.We trust you will.
Dear UN:
Please accept Diesel Island as a nation. We know it’s uncommon for
diplomats to dress as terribly cool as we do, but just because nobody
here wears a suit, it doesn’t mean we’re not a serious country.
Thinking that would be too judgmental from your part and
unacceptable, and we’d have to sue you.
So don’t make us go there. Keep in mind that most of the countries
you’ve accepted as members have ruined the world, whereas we
are here to make it better. If you don’t believe us, send someone
over to see for themselves what Diesel Island is like. If you do send
someone over, please kindly ask them not to invent any lies about
our nuclear capabilities or financial statements.
Sincerely,
Diesel Island President.
Sign our petition for independence at www.diesel.com
D I E S E L I S L A N D ’ SO F F I C I A L E M B A S S I E S
EVERY DIESEL STORE IN THE WORLD IS AN OFFICIAL EMBASSY.Find the neares t a t www.diese l .com/s tore- locator
ArgentinaAustraliaAustriaAzerbaijanBahrainBelgiumBrazilCanadaChileChinaColombiaCosta RicaCroatiaCzech RepublicDenmark
Dominican RepublicEcuadorFinlandFranceGermanyGreeceGuatemalaHong KongIndiaIranIsraelItalyJapanKuwaitLebanon
LuxembourgMacauMaltaMauritiusMexicoMoroccoNetherlandsNorwayPanamaParaguayPhilippinesPolandPortugalQatarRomania
RussiaSaudi ArabiaSerbiaSingaporeSouth AfricaSouth KoreaSpainSwedenSwitzerlandTaiwanThailandTurkeyUAEUKUSA