I

August 3rd

Dear Diary,It’s a rainy night and I’m feeling lonely, again. Oh, I’m sorry! Since this is a new journal, I should first present myself like usual. So, my name is Austin. Nice to meet you! I’m 17 and I’m about to start my senior year in high school. It sounds pretty cool, right? Ah, how I wish things were the way they sounded. And there is only one more month until summer vacation ends.Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah, the rain… It’s beautiful, yet so sad. We look so much alike! Wait, did I just call myself beautiful? Uhm, the first page should be more emotional, I know, but I’m just so full right now that I can’t express myself right. And I feel like I’m constantly repeating myself, always the same old stories for so long. Loneliness, melancholy, emotional breakdowns and other stuff that a guy like me has to deal with, almost everyday. But it’s okay, really. I think I’m used to it. I’m so used to being sad that if someday it goes off I’m scared of what might happen. So I’m good, this is what I repeat to myself a million of times with the hope that I might even convince myself that nothing is wrong. It’s getting late and all I’m doing is going around my room from one corner to the other and writing this. I can barely see because it’s really dark, I don’t like the light that much. I guess I can say that I’m a night type of person. I can’t remember when did I become like this, to be honest. I remember my childhood, the way I used to smile and enjoy the most random stuff. I was the kid who cheered everyone up with the way I would sing and dance and make fun out of everything without any care in this world. But then, I have no idea what happened. Actually, I do. I grew up. The dream of growing up I used to have turned out to be a nightmare. All I can hear is the rain flowing through the windows and my breathing. I think I should go to sleep. Or maybe not, that’s the hardest part because in the exact moment I close my eyes it all starts again. The guilt covered in fear. And it’s not from a monster or a ghost. It’s the fear from me! I’m scared of who I’m becoming and what might happen to me in the future. So, no sleep tonight, like most of the time. I think I’m just going to listen to some music or read a book. Yeah, reading seems like a really good idea right now, I bought a new book the other day. I need to get my mind off a little bit. Also, I almost have the money for a whole new book series that just came out. I saved every cent my parents have given me in my saving box. I guess I can say I’m looking forward to that. I always find things to look forward to, you know, so when the bad thoughts come, I push them away by holding on to the little

things. It’s like a fight with your own soul which desperately wants to be saved from the cage that we call a body. I forgot to say that I can also hear the wooden clock ticking on the wall in front of me. It’s getting late. I don’t know what to do. I read for more than an hour, my eyes are tired. And the sad songs on repeat are getting boring. I need a cigarette. I think I have a box under my bed. I hate when I end up smoking but I don’t know, it’s the only thing left where I can find refuge on. I’m also opening the window, the rain stopped. I love the smell it leaves behind. It’s so peaceful.I’m back now, I’m done with the smoking with my head outside the window. I think the morning is about to come. And I’m still around. Maybe broken, but still surviving, so that’s good, I guess. This is a goodbye, for now. Once again, I’m Austin, and this is my story.

04/08/2014

I miss a lot of people. Even though I don’t have much friends, wait, there’s no reason to lie, even though I don’t have any friends (Marley excluded, she’s like my sister), I still miss the people at school to be honest. The way they were always cheerful and excited about telling each other their stuff, the way I would just sit at my chair, which was at the end of the classroom right by the window, and look at them calmly. I miss that. I know I’m sounding weird but it’s because of staying alone all day, the whole summer has gotten a little boring. I just woke up earlier and went downstairs to eat something. All I could swallow was a glass of milk. There’s nobody home. Mom and Dad are working and my sister Amanda must be hanging out with her boyfriend, Matt. I have so much free time that I don’t even know how to spend it. I could stay at my room the whole day or go for a walk since the weather has improved since last night. Between these two options I’m choosing the less boring one! So, I’ve been walking for more than an hour since then. Right now I’m in a beautiful green field which is actually my escape place. I used to come here almost every day. I still visit this place though! For some reason it makes me feel better when I’m down. The green landscape, the little flowers, the trees that go all around it but most importantly, the fresh air combined with the beautiful smell of nature. The only problem is that it’s pretty far away from home so I get really tired going around all the woods until I arrive here. But it really is worth it! I forgot to mention that I took Tamara with me, my almost grown up puppy. She loves running around the field while I’m always sat down on the grass and writing stuff. Or just laying down and staring at the way the clouds move in the sky. Or sometimes smoking passionately two or three cigarettes that I always keep with me. I don’t do much while I’m here, well, I don’t do much anywhere!Tamara just came and tried to take you away from me, she always does that! I think she wants some attention. I cuddled her head a bit and she ran away like the happiest puppy in the whole world! I love the way this makes me smile every time. It’s weird sometimes, you know? I hear myself smile and I just stop for a bit, confused. Is this really me? Was that my voice and were those my feelings? Because it’s not like I’m used to any of this. But I’m not going to write depressing stuff, not in here too! I’m trying to get my mind off a bit, that’s happiness for me. Getting my mind off the cruel reality that surrounds me. It’s almost sunset. Didn’t realize so much time passed until I opened my eyes. I think I might have even slept for a bit. It’s because of the staying up last night. So I’m just going to pack up really fast and… wait, I can’t see Tamara anywhere!

I felt the fear covering me up. I couldn’t help but panic. With my shaking hands, I threw everything I had in my bag and started looking all over the field with the hope that I would see Tamara, but she wasn’t anywhere! “This cannot be happening!”- I whispered really mad with myself. How could I be so irresponsible?! So I had no other choice but to start looking inside the woods. It started getting darker. The sun was almost gone. The weather was getting colder too! By the way the sky was getting cloudier, you could see that it was about to rain. Above all, I was wearing some short jeans which weren’t helping at all!I started running without knowing where to look first. I had no idea why would she just leave like that! Something must have happened! She never ever did that. I was yelling her name and still wasn’t getting anything in response. I remember that I continued running for a couple more minutes until I was getting tired. I stopped and pulled the little bottle of water from the side of my back. It had gotten kind of warm so I drank only a sip. After resting a little, I knew I had no other choice but to continue looking. And I didn’t have much time before the night came. So without thinking twice, I started walking through the forest really fast. It didn’t take long and I stopped again. I wasn’t feeling really well. I was holding on to a tree when I heard Tamara barking. My eyes automatically opened wide and the first instinct my body got was to move through that direction but on the first step I felt the most burning pain down my right knee. I looked down only to see that a piece of wood that was hanging to the half cut tree had gotten inside my skin. I felt the warm blood flowing down my leg but I had no time to deal with the wound right now. I grabbed the piece of wood and tried to pull it off. The pain was unbearable. But I had to! Tamara might have been in danger so I didn’t have much time. I took another deep breath and pulled it. It got off successfully and the blood rushed ever more. Bad thoughts were going through my head and I was desperately trying not to lose control. I needed to stay calm! I started calling her name but not a lot of voice was coming out of my lips. I lost her, again!It was just getting darker and darker. I had no idea where to look anymore, and I also realized that I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going either! I cannot explain really well what I was feeling in those moments, I knew I was lost and there was no way to continue looking for Tamara in those conditions. I started feeling the pain of the scratch which until now was numb. I took off the extra shirt I had in my bag and I was trying to stop the bleeding with it. Ugh, it was my favorite Lana Del Rey shirt! But anyway, I just sat on a cold rock and tried to rest a little. I was exhausted. I could barely see anything. A rain storm was about to begin. I was really cold. What if something bad went to happen to Tamara because of my fault? How was I going to live with that? I started feeling the first rain drops. They were cold as ice. I remembered I had this classic mobile phone with me that I always kept in my bag, just in case. I took it but there was no signal. I tried to put it to a higher spot but I was still not getting anything. I just threw it back into the bag before it got even wetter.The thought of passing the night in that right spot scared me like hell. I was still in denial somehow, how could things change so fast? Not more than an hour earlier everything was normal and then I was there, stuck in a forest which most probably was dangerous. I was still hoping for it all to be just a nightmare. I was hoping I would wake up and see that I was laying in my warm bed and that Tamara was right outside playing around the garden. But for some reason I wasn’t waking up! The wound was burning so that brought me back to reality.

The blood wasn’t stopping and I was already feeling dizzy. I kept pressuring it but it wasn’t working. The whole shirt was covered in blood. Thanks to the unstable blood sugar, yes, I suffer from diabetes! I was praying for it to stop. Because if it wouldn’t I knew what was going to happen next. I would faint and in the other side I was all alone with the night just starting. I never knew it felt like that. Knowing that your end might have come. Instead of trying to do something to save myself I just closed my eyes trying to be calm. I was about to start hysterically laughing at the life I had. Why would the so-called God bring me to this life if I wasn’t going to achieve anything, huh? I just grew up to be another depressed guy who was going to be forgotten by everyone. Maybe I shouldn’t have stressed out myself so much, you know? If it was going to end, if I wasn’t going to have a future anyway, then why stress over it? I should have just lived free. I should have been reckless, I should have done everything that made my soul feel good because you see, in the end, nobody was ever going to remember anything. They all would have loved me after I was dead, anyway. They’re all your friends then. I lived with a secret haunting me for so long and only then I realized that I shouldn’t have even kept it a secret. So what if I was going to be judged and humiliated? At least I would be happy to know that I was standing up for who I am and in those moments I would feel proud for something. Because all I was thinking about was about how I did nothing while I had the chance, and by then it might have been too late to change anything.The wind hit me all over and I opened my eyes. I wasn’t seeing really well and it wasn’t from the darkness. Everything was getting blurry. I guessed my blood pressure had fallen. I got up with the thought of moving, but my leg wasn’t working properly. I still tried though, I had to! I never thought a guy like me would say this but, I wanted to survive that! I wasn’t that weak, I needed to live! What’s the point of dying without finding love? Without tasting the one thing that makes us who we are. Even if I was going to love in a different way, even if I was going to have a different kind of lover, I still needed to feel it. I needed to see for myself if it actually was as magical as everybody always said. I needed to see if my kind of love could actually be felt just as real as any kind of it. But no, even breathing was getting hard. I decided not to give up, to continue moving. The rain had almost stopped and the woods I was continuously hanging on to, were really wet and slippery. That was making it harder. I was numb all over because of the cold. I remember I once stopped to take off the wet hair out of my eyes. That was the moment when I saw it! It was the most beautiful moment I could remember. I saw a light that wasn’t that far away. I took a deep breath. I can’t explain how relieved I felt. So I started half walking and half running in the light direction. The pain was just getting bigger and I felt tears on my face because of it. But it didn’t matter, I was saved. At least that’s what I thought.The rest of it it’s a blur. I don’t remember it very well. My head was almost exploding and I could barely breathe. I remember noticing that the light was actually moving. That meant it was a person. I tried to call for help but I had no energy. So I gathered the last forces I had left to run in the light’s direction. And I started really well until I saw myself thrown on the ground. It was really wet and I slipped again falling over something sharp. I remember screaming with all the strength that I had left because of the pain. I had pieces of glass inside my left hand and the upper arm. After that, I can’t tell what happened. I know I heard a few steps near me but I wasn’t sure if they were true. The pain was killing me. I couldn’t hold on anymore. After a bit, I just closed my eyes hoping for it to be over.

After that, the next thing I know is I was inside a tend and all I could hear was the thunder from the outside. The pain was almost gone, but when I tried to move I felt it growing. The leg bleeding had stopped for some reason and I had compresses over my wounds. The first theory I thought of was that somebody found me, brought me here and took care of me. That meant that somebody was around there! I looked around really fast and I saw that I wasn’t alone. I admit it, I felt a little bit scared in that moment. There was somebody in front of me and my view was still blurry so I couldn’t actually see his face. I was sure it was a man, because of the strong perfume he was using. At least my nose was working right! I tried to talk and ask him what happened and where I was but he spoke in that right moment.- “Shh… you should rest,”- he said with a mesmerizing voice. The light between us two started to help me see more clearly. I took another rest for a couple of minutes and then I opened my eyes again. I cannot explain how hard the next minutes were for me. I saw that I was saved by a guy that was probably my age and I had no idea who he was. I would obviously remember someone like that if I had seen him before.- “Great place and an even greater weather for camping,”- was the first sentence that came in my mouth. He smiled and it definitely made me feel even warmer.- “I was expecting for you to give me a thank you speech, actually,”- he continued still smiling and looking all over me. I was feeling weird.- “Oh, I’m sorry,”- the blankets over me started to burn me up, literally. “Thank you for uhm, finding me.”- “Oh, it’s okay,”- he continued and somehow I knew he was going to be sarcastic again. “Not like your screams can be ignored, I bet you scared the poor wolves,”- yup, just like I said.- “Wolves? Wait, what are you…”- I felt shivers all over my body.- “It’s a joke! You know, people use them to make others laugh. At least that’s what they do in my land,”- he laughed. “You didn’t actually believe it, did you?”- “Can you please just stop messing with me, this is a very serious situation right here and I might have ended up dead,”- I started yelling at him but for the way he was trying not to laugh again I knew I was sounding like a basic drama queen.- “But you didn’t,”- he interrupted my speech. “I, uhm, I’m glad you didn’t.”- “So am I,”- I replied trying to hide the blushing. I was feeling so tired so I just turned around looking the place. My bag was right next to my feet. I tried to reach for it but I couldn’t. I couldn’t move my arm. And then he just jumped over and handed me the bag. I looked deep down his green and sparkly eyes. “Who is he…”- I asked myself confused. - “Stop making so much eye contact with me, you’re making me uncomfortable,”- he said pretending to actually feel what he said but I knew he was just playing. - “You can’t blame me for wanting to see the face of the person with who I’m spending the night with, can you?” - I couldn’t believe how adorably annoying he was.- “Spending the night, huh?”- he winked at me. Yes, he winked at me and smiled again. Okay that was just way too much for me to handle. The only sound I could let go was an ugh and I started looking through my bag. Everything was really wet. I took off all the stuff spreading them around me but my diary was not there. That was the exact thing I needed. My damn diary gone! I felt a rush of adrenaline and my heart started beating really fast. I checked again almost throwing the other stuff but it wasn’t anywhere.

- “If you’re looking for a notebook that you had, it’s under the blanket you’re laying on. I’ve put it in there because I didn’t want for it to get even wetter and get destroyed,” - I heard him talk.- “What did you just say?”- I raised my shaking voice looking at him like all that happened today was his fault.- “I said I…”- he continued surprised by my face.- “Where the hell did you get the right to touch other’s personal stuff, huh?”- I asked begging myself to stay calm. I was exploding.- “It fell off your bag while I was bringing you here. I didn’t take it away from you dude!”- he explained and I felt that he was really hurt this time.Bringing you here… My madness went off suddenly. His words were going through my head getting louder every time. Bringing you here… What was I doing? He was the reason I was even able to talk in those moments and I went being rude for no actual reason. I felt so bad so I just looked down and pulled the diary.- “I’m sorry,”- was all I could say after a while. “I’m just, really sorry.” He didn’t say anything. The silence was eating me alive. I lied down praying not to burst crying. I had been feeling guilty for so long and that feeling always haunted me. I hated the way it sucked my positive energy. And in those moments, it was sucking my soul. I thought I should just tell him what I was feeling and maybe he would understand.- “A lot of bad things happened to me today, actually a lot of bad things happened my whole life,”- I could already feel the tears getting ready to flow. “It was supposed to be a normal walk and I ended up like this,”- I looked at the situation I was. “Above all, I lost my dog and I have no idea if I’m ever going to see her again. And I loved her so much, do you have any idea how worried I am and I can’t do anything about it?”He was listening carefully. He blinked twice giving me a sign to continue.- “I’m just tired, you know? I’m tired of everything going wrong in my life. Nothing is ever the way it’s supposed to be. I am not the way I was supposed to be. And that, that kills me every day,”- great, now I was crying. In front of a stranger. Just great. - “What’s your name?”- he asked. I looked at him. Even though he was sat down, I could see he was tall. Probably taller than me. He had some brown hair cut short. His skin was really white. Some facial hair. Not a lot though. I was staring at him knowing he was noticing but I just didn’t care. His beautiful lips. His thick eyebrows. His eyes, there was something about them. About the way I could see there so much of his inside. The way they sparkled every time he was smiling. The way they looked at me.- “I’m Austin,”- I answered. He moved a little closer like he just found out we made peace. I couldn’t believe it but, he might have been scared from me. That was funny actually, so I laughed like a fool.- “Hallelujah,”- he yelled looking up with his arms wide open. “He laughs!”I just laughed even more. It had been a while, I was thinking, since I heard myself laughing. - “I’m Daniel, by the way,”- he continued. “My friends call me Dan.”- “Oh, hi Dan,”- I said and I was starting to feel dizzy again.- “I’m Daniel for you,”- he replied with a very serious tone. - “Okay,”- that was so awkward, what was I even thinking to call him like that when I didn’t even know him! I was so dumb sometimes. - “You seriously need to get over yourself,”- he continued and his face was getting brighter. My heart with it. “This was also that kind of thing called a joke!”

- “Stop treating me like I was out of this world please,”- I felt so relieved. I was actually starting to like his dumb jokes.- “Maybe you are,”- he winked at me for the second time and I swear it felt just as powerful as the first time.- “Maybe I’m what?”- I asked confused because a wink of him was making me lose my mind.- “Maybe you really are out of this world.”- “No,”- I was feeling the temperature of my whole body and especially my face rising. Now I was blushing again and there was no way to stop it. He was going to think I’m stupid. I wasn’t used to situations like this, I barely even talked to anybody! Was that flirting? Or was he just playing to see the way I reacted? Was he trying to put me in a trap? Was this all just a prove? I felt like I should get myself together and start acting normal. But he was so cute. Why did he have to be so cute? - “Are you hungry?”- he asked and I automatically shook my head. I just realized I was starving. “Good,”- he continued. “Because I have some pizza with me and I wasn’t going to be able to eat it alone, either way. So you’re welcome to join me.”- “I would love to get over there but as you see I’m kind of not okay right now,”- I smiled looking at myself.- “Oh, sorry,”- he grabbed the pizza and two cans of cola. “I keep forgetting since you just won’t stop talking,”- a little smirk appeared on his lips.- “What is that supposed to mean?”- I asked trying to look insulted.- “Shh… enjoy the food. Food is life,”- he said. I’ll never forget the way Daniel ate his part of the pizza. He would open his mouth and fill it until he couldn’t anymore and then he would swallow in seconds making the delicious signs with his face. I was trying not to laugh but I almost chocked, twice! And the second time he grabbed my head and made me drink so I could swallow it fast. He said he didn’t want me to die after all that he suffered bringing me to the tend. He was directly calling me fat and I didn’t mind, I actually thought of it as a compliment. And I ate until I couldn’t anymore. I was really starting to feel better. Emotionally too. He was cleaning what was left of the food while I was preparing to go to sleep. And then he took a pillow from a big blue bag in the corner and handed it to me.- “It’s 100% cotton,”- he said bragging. “I’ve slept on it for years but since you’re,”- he looked at my leg, “well, since you’re the way you are right now, I’m making an exception for tonight, so you better feel lucky!”I smiled. And then I smiled again. And again. Oh God what was happening with me?! - “It really looks soft, so I’m taking it, thank you,”- I replied. - “You’re welcome, now sleep,”- he even started giving me orders. “I need you to get better and on your feet. My back still hurts because of you,”- and he went on his side of the tent making up his sleeping place. I looked at him for another while until he fell asleep. I could never tell him how thankful I was. For doing what he did, for caring, and also I was deeply thankful for the light he had with him, it was making it possible for me to stare at him while asleep. I’m such a creep.And I’m still awake. I bet hours have passed. I can see some light coming from the outside. The morning is close and I spent the night writing about all what happened. In the other side, Daniel is sleeping like an angel. He barely even moved, I didn’t know I could be so tiring! I just checked my leg and it looks much better, after all, it was not a deep wound but in my case it was enough to cause problems. My arm is also better, though I can still feel a light

burning from now and then. I’m sure I’ll be able to leave as soon as Daniel wakes up. Oh, to leave… Now that I think about it, I don’t want to leave this place. I would love to stay, but I can’t find a reason for it. After all, we don’t know each other and it’s nobody’s fault that I keep making scenarios in my head. It’s too good to be true, anyway. He’s just so adorable, someone like him could never notice me. So, I should just try to forget all the good talk and the stuff that was going through my head during the night and go back home, find a good explanation to give to my parents and go back to my normal life. This, whatever it was, a beautiful/painful adventure I’d like to call it, it’s over. I’m maybe never going to see him again so why am I even stressing so much? Maybe because I never had the chance to actually meet someone like him. Someone who actually seemed to have fun spending time with me. Someone who would just be himself without any care in the world and make me laugh with the tinniest things. But, I’ll get to know more people like him, right? I’m still young and who knows, special people are everywhere. Nope, I’m not believing what I’m saying either! I’m just mad. I’m so mad because he most probably has friends and other people around him who are so lucky to actually get to see him in their daily routine and they probably don’t even appreciate it. I’m mad at them even though I don’t know them. They should hug him ten times a day at least! I’m changing topic right now before I start imagining about how it would feel to hug him, ugh! I’m so worried about Tamara, and I’m also worried because of my parents. They must have gone crazy. I can already feel the big drama that’s about to blow up as soon as I get home. And I’m really not up for that. Can I just stay in here for another week, please?! I think Daniel is about to wake up. Yup, he definitely is since he’s going from one side of his blanket to the other making sleepy voices. Okay, Austin, it’s time, breathe! Everything is going to be okay, you just need to act normal. Of course he doesn’t know that you’re a hopeless romantic who falls in love with different people every day. He doesn’t know you. Stop being so nervous, it will be all over really soon.- “I really like waking up just to see that somebody is in the other side with a notebook in their hands describing how breathtakingly handsome I am. Thank you,”- he just said that and I’m really trying not to look at him because I know I’ll laugh like a retarded donkey for at least five minutes. - “Morning to you too,”- I replied smiling.

05/08/2014

I’m home! I’m in my room right now and I couldn’t be more satisfied. I stared at it for like half an hour, I was so relieved. The wide bed and the windows next to it. My shelf full of books in the other side seemed like it was welcoming me back. And the big Lana Del Rey poster on the wall right over the bed was looking even more magnificent today. Oh, and the clothes, the mess of clothes all around that I always had to jump not to step at them, even though most of the time I did. I also have a beautiful green desk (that goes with the brown/white colors of the furniture) where I have my laptop. The dark rug and the big closet that most of the time stayed empty…Is it really that obvious? Me pretending to miss my room just so I can get this to sound artistic and describe my room with what I’m so proud of! Well, I can’t help it! And I can’t wait to go hug all my books and all my music albums, ah I thought I’d never see them again! Yup, this is the part that I go from artistic to dramatic, it was about time to be honest. I

almost forgot to tell that I’m actually a little bit excited about something. Oh, my dearest diary stop being like this, I’m going to tell you everything right away! First let me enjoy me being back a little. Okay, okay, here I go…Daniel helped me get ready right after he woke up. He said he would love if I stayed but he really didn’t want me to eat all his food because in that case he would have to turn back home because hungry. After that, he took my bag and insisted on not letting me carry such a heavy thing. And it wasn’t his fault, I always stuffed my bag with unnecessary things so it wouldn’t look empty. I felt bad because it was still wet and I didn’t want him to get a cold because of me. “I’m way too hot to get a cold,”- he raised one of this thick eyebrows and I held my tongue not to agree with him. I knew he was going to walk me home, and I was pretty happy about it. But the right thing to do was to pretend like I wasn’t so desperate so I said that he didn’t have to do that because I was okay and now that the day had come I would know how to get down to the town. All I got in response was a powerful look from him that told me to just shut up. I had no other choice but to obey.- “Plus, if you happen to fall again, this time a creep can find you can end up kind of dead for real,”- and while he was saying this he was looking deep through me waiting for my scared reaction and then burst laughing at it. But I wasn’t going to give him the pleasure. Not this time.- “How do I know you’re not a creep too?”- I asked giving him a strong and meaningful look.- “Well, if I was,”- oh I knew he was going to say something provocative so I could already feel my blushing coming. “If I was like that you wouldn’t be walking at all right now, now would you?”- “I consider myself a very strong person, so I bet I could handle that, too”- I replied and yes, I was so sure I was blushing like never before. But my reply was so cool, right? I couldn’t believe I actually handled him so good that time. How I wished I could always do that!- “Oh,”- I saw the surprised expression in his face and I couldn’t be happier. “I really hope so.”We had almost arrived to the field, I saw that it wasn’t that far away from where I got lost, that I could actually find it. But I’m glad I didn’t. Oh, I’m so glad that instead of that, I saw the light that actually was lightning my heart. Ugh, why am I even exaggerating so much? Well, forgive me but I like my diary to sound like a cool novel that people would like to read. Though it will never be read by anybody except from me when I’ll be 80 and with nothing better to do but cry over my past. Oh, life is beautiful. Daniel was walking right beside me and somehow I was feeling like he was waiting for me to fall in every moment. That was annoying me a little. He was wearing some white trainers, tight black pants, a black armless shirt (which showed a lot of his body, thank God), and a dark brown hat. He really wasn’t into colors, now was he? Unlike me, I was looking like a damn rainbow because of the red shirt, and I hated myself so much for wearing those short jeans in the first place! How hot would I look with a tied leg and arm and with my face similar to a pale chicken? And my hair was a mess too, I was probably scaring him off and there was nothing I could do about it but being mad with myself. One thing I didn’t understand was that why was I even caring so much of what would he think about me? I didn’t care why, I just did and I was mad again. And he looked so good, I was secretly looking at him and I couldn’t believe my eyes, how did he even do it? Like how?- “We should take a rest in here,”- I heard him say that after a few minutes that were more than enough for me to get lost in my thoughts. Daniel was pointing to a comfortable spot that was next to a tree. We had just passed the field. The weather had improved a lot.

- “Uhm, okay,”- I replied confused. I was starting to get a little dizzy again. I knew my blood sugar wasn’t stable at all but I didn’t want to complain. He had done enough and I didn’t want him to know I was sick. Thankfully he didn’t ask any questions the previous night. But I knew he was doubting something. I knew it because of the sugar-free cola he offered me.- “Are you feeling any better?”- he asked after he approached and looked at me. “You’re a little pale, maybe we should call someone from your home or something to help.”- “No,”- I started hating the fact that we couldn’t just enjoy the little time we had left together. “It’s okay, I can make it till home. Plus, my phone died yesterday because of the rain, and no, I don’t want to use yours,”- I continued hoping for him to change topic. - “Okay, okay, you should sit now,”- he made a sign with his arm showing me the blanket for us to sit. And it was so small. I sat down right next to him trying not to moan because of the pain. I just gave him a little smile and turned my head to look around the trees.- “Why are you so sad?”- he asked after a while. - “I’m not sad. I’m just worried about Tamara. And I’m worried about what might have happened at home while I was camping with you,”- I couldn’t believe I actually liked the way that sounded.- “Listen,”- he talked with such a calm voice that I barely heard him. But I absolutely felt his hand touching mine. I hesitated and tried to take it away but he reached for it again. “She probably saw something or someone that scared her off and went back home. My dog used to do that, there’s probably no reason to worry. And your hand is really cold, by the way,”- he grabbed my other hand too as if he wanted to warm them up.- “I don’t even know what to think anymore,”- I said after he let go of my hands. “This shouldn’t have happened, I always complained about how boring my life was but now I see that it was really good compared to this.”- “You’re overdoing it a little bit, you know,”- he was looking right in my eyes. “Stop stressing so much about every little thing, stop worrying yourself so much because in the end, all you do is hurt yourself. Not like anything will get better from your complaints and breakdowns. Try to think in a more positive way!”I was basically numb listening to the words that were going out of his lips and the birds’ noises in the background. The sun was shining like it was waiting so long for the storms to fade away. I just shook my head and started looking the grass on the ground trying to control my breathing that was getting heavier and heavier. I didn’t want to have another drama act in front of him but my heart wasn’t listening. I thought I was going to give him the worst impression and that he would run away from me bored and annoyed. But he seemed to actually want to stay there with me. And talk to me.- “Just say something,”- he raised his voice a bit. “Let go of whatever is on your mind right now, who knows, maybe we can make something about it,”- I couldn’t believe how sincere he sounded. - “Daniel,”- my voice was shaking. “The thing is, I don’t really know what’s in my mind right now,”- he got closer to me. “I’m so full, but I’m so empty at the same time. I’ve been like this for a while. I’m a sad guy. There’s nothing I can do about it. I like being sad, I’m comfortable this way. It’s like a shadow that is always over me and I can’t get away from it. I have my reasons, that are pretty deep but at the same time I feel like they aren’t,”- he wasn’t reacting and by that I knew I wasn’t making any sense. “But it’s okay,”- I continued, “I know you don’t get it, I don’t expect you to. Nobody gets me. Maybe never will.”He waited for a while before talking. The silence was eating me up. I saw him rub his hair and then he decided to talk.

- “I won’t lie, it looks complicated, but I promise I will try to help you out because I can see that you really need it. I saw it in the first moment I saw you. No,”- then he smiled and I felt brighter. His smile definitely had something magical in it. “You were kind of unconscious when I first saw you, but when you woke up, so anyway,”- he pushed that thought away and I knew he mentioned that just to try to make me feel better. “You will get through this!”I gave him a doubtful look. It was easy to say for him. I was just a stranger he would probably never see again so he was just being nice to me.- “Why don’t we just make a deal?”- he asked me with an excitement that filled the place we were staying. His green eyes were sparkling and his mouth was open wide. I was loving that look of him. I wished I had the antique camera with me and capture it. Oh, how I was wishing to have a picture of him so I could never forget his face. His adorable face.- “You look so funny right now,”- I smiled. “I want to take a picture of you and post it in my Instagram or something. Seriously, your facial expressions seem to be hilarious!”- “Oh, that’s no problem,”- he replied and put his hand in his pocket. “Here,”- he handed me his cellphone. “Take it with the green filter if possible, I always look hotter with that!”- and he opened his mouth wide again and stayed in the exact same position until I took the picture. “Wish granted!”- he continued, “now, time for a selfie together!”- “What, can’t you see the way I look, I will never,”- but I couldn’t finish complaining when I heard the click of the camera. Daniel was chocking after he saw the picture. - “Let me see,”- I yelled at him trying to look mad but I knew it wasn’t working. He stopped laughing and looked at me like I was trying to steal his favorite food. - “I’ll send it you in the internet, you’re on Facebook right?”- he asked scared that I would say no.- “Yes, I am, but I am so not accepting you,”- I replied with a cocky tone.- “Oh,”- he raised on of his eyebrows. “Okay, if you don’t mind for this to be published all around the school’s blog then…”- “Wait, what?”- I couldn’t believe my ears. “The school’s blog?”- “Yeah, I’m the new hot student this year,”- he was bragging. “I can’t wait to make that school my kingdom.”- “Hah,”- I made a serious expression. “So, I’ll see you every day this year huh?”- I was feeling so excited and happy about it I was barely holding myself not to burst into dancing around and hugging him.- “Yes, you will,”- he was getting even closer. “You’re lucky to be the King’s first friend in a whole new kingdom.”- “I guess I am,”- I replied smiling, I know I shouldn’t have smiled but I couldn’t hold it in anymore, I was exploding of happiness.- “I’m just kidding,”- he continued. “I’m lucky that I met you and hopefully we will continue catching up until school starts. I really don’t want to go in a whole new place all alone so I would really appreciate it if you would be my friend there,”- he was making those puppy eyes and I felt like my inside was melting slowly.- “I do,”- I replied. “As in, I do want to be your friend because that sounded weird!”- “Don’t worry, there will come the proposal time someday too,”- he winked.- “Oh, my God, who’s flirting with who now?”- I was probably redder than a tomato. Daniel laughed because of that. He was shaking his head and looking at me from time to time.- “So, what kind of a deal were you talking about?”- I asked to blow that awkward situation away.

- “Oh, yeah,”- he remembered. “Let’s make a deal that we will help each other in whatever we need and get through this school year in the best way possible!” - he was saying it like a well prepared speech.- “Deal,”- I handed him my hand.- “Deal,”- he shook it and this time the distance between us had gotten terribly small. I could literally feel his breathing hitting my skin. That was so uncomfortable for me but just as lovely. My heart beats were rising until the point I could hear my pulse beating near my ears. - “I will fill you up every time you feel empty, or at least I will try,”- he whispered and a rush of adrenaline went through my whole body. He was turning me on in a way that I wasn’t sure I could even control my actions. He grabbed my face with his hand and pulled it a bit. His lips were only a few millimeters away from mine. I didn’t know what to do. All I knew was that I wanted him. This burning desire was compelling me. I had never even imagined it felt that way. My body wasn’t responding to my reason, it wanted to throw itself over him and get lost there. Daniel’s smell was making it hard for me to even breathe. I wanted to taste his lips right there with no care of what would have happened after. I was screaming inside for him to just do it already. But he wasn’t moving, he was torturing me.- “Oh, Austin,”- this time he went whispering in my ear and I felt shivers all over. “How will I handle you this horny, huh? Stand up before you do something that you will be complaining later,”- and then he laughed again while he stood up. I hated him so much in that moment. Who did he even think he was? Getting me in that situation and then leaving as if it was just a game?! He could have given a little kiss, at least! What a jerk!- “Yes, let’s go,”- I was so mad. “You just love acting so experienced and confident but I saw you shaking too, just so you know, I don’t buy your attitude that much,”- I needed to say something in return. A little revenge for not kissing me. Yes, that was an awesome idea.- “Maybe you’ll get to see how experienced I am, if you deserve it, of course!”- he replied being proud but I saw that he got nervous because I noticed his shaking.- “For what I just saw, I doubt it will be fun,”- I was loving this word throwing thing. “Like, at all.”- “Don’t push me honey, you don’t want that,”- he was trying to get me scared. What a cutie. “Trust me, you don’t.”- “Okay I get it,”- I stood up and took my bag, I didn’t want him to take it for me again. “You were just a little scared, it’s okay, it happens to all of us.”Daniel half closed his eyes and came so fast at me for all I know he was standing right in front of me with his hand cuddling my neck. This time it was even harder because my legs probably wouldn’t hold me if he did it. His hands were so soft and his arm muscles were making me lose my mind. I was trying so hard to look tough and as if I wasn’t caring that much. And in the other side, I was discovering a whole new side of me that I never even knew I had it. If somebody would tell me that I would be saying all those things, I would never believe it. But it was actually happening. All because of him. He was doing it to me. He was making me discover a whole new Austin that until now was sleeping deep inside me. But why him? I’ll never get the answer even if I think about it for ages. I don’t know if it was the way he talked, or the way he smiled, or the way he looked, but I want to know! What spell is he using for making me feel this way so quickly? Daniel was standing close to me doing it all over again and I saw that my hand was touching his face too. I swear I didn’t know what was happening. I just wanted to feel him. I touched

slowly his beard without stopping the eye contact which was just getting more powerful. I desired him. I desired him with all my being. - “Nah,”- he suddenly got away. “I need to get you home now.”- “Ugh,”- I laughed and this time I was showing how disappointed I really was. “Okay, Daniel, let’s just go already.”We were walking and talking about the most random stuff that we could think of. Things had cooled down, fortunately. I noticed that he didn’t like to talk about himself much. All I could learn from him was that he had just moved back into town with his family because they missed their old home. I wanted to know more about him so bad but I just had to stop asking questions and respect his privacy. He respected mine, didn’t he? Actually not a lot but it’s okay, I would love for him to invade my privacy from time to time. It didn’t really feel that bad, to be honest.One talk led to another and we had almost entered the town’s center. I was trying to find the nicest way to tell him that I could go home alone now, I didn’t want him to see my parent’s reaction at home. I was taking deep breaths struggling to just say it but it just wasn’t getting out of me. Daniel noticed immediately that something was up. It’s like he was literally reading my mind. He turned around and looked at me smiling.- “I think this is it,”- he said. “I know that you can find your home all by yourself now,”- he continued making a proud face as if he was proud I knew where I lived. - “Yeah, I’m pretty smart, now that I think about it,”- I replied relieved. The day was just getting sunnier. It was almost noon and it was starting to get really warm. Or was it because of him? Anyhow, I was feeling really warm, that was for sure! The town was really crowded. So many people were staring at me like I had just gotten out of a jungle or something. Not that I could blame them, I was probably looking in that exact way but I didn’t really care. And Daniel in the other side, he was just… I don’t even know. He was making the sun look like it was not shining. Whoa, I’m just getting more and more poetic every day. So, we were staring at each other and secretly smiling until I decided I should say something before it got awkward. But I could stare at him the whole day without getting bored. And he seemed to like it. He seemed to like it, oh my god, he seemed to like it! - “Daniel,”- I whispered his name and he got one step closer. “I can’t really find the words to tell you how thankful I feel right now for everything that you did for me. Seriously, thank you so much. Thank you for saving me, and above all, thank you for cheering me up, I really needed that.”- “Oh, no problem, not like I did it for free,”- he gave me a flirty look. “You sure as hell owe me something after all of this. And I liked the Daniel The Hero part. I couldn’t be prouder with myself.”- “Owe you what?”- I asked a little bit worried but very curious indeed.- “Maybe a little coffee together?”- he proposed wondering.- “Are you asking me on a date?”- I couldn’t stay in one place from the excitement. And we were in the middle of a crowd. - “A date? I never said that,”- he replied. “Why, do you want me to ask you on a date? Because if you do, I’ll gladly get on my knees right now in front of everyone!”- “Daniel!”- I shouted his name scared from the fact that he could actually do that because by the little I knew him, I was sure he would. That guy was just crazy! I never knew I liked crazy! I liked crazy a lot!- “Okay, okay, for now your phone number would be enough,”- he was making circles around anxious for what I would say.

- “Maybe it’s a little early for that, too,”- I replied.- “Do you want me to follow you home and get your address and then show in the middle of the night in your room? Because if you don’t start saying numbers right now I will do that without thinking twice!”- “Fine, give me your phone, I’ll add myself to your contacts,”- I replied terrified from the idea of him showing up in the middle of night. That wouldn’t end good. By the way he made me feel while we were in the field, I knew that wouldn’t end up good at all! I still can’t believe I handed over my number that easily. But I’m glad I did. And I can’t wait for him to text me or call me or do something, I can’t even think clearly right now! I’m going to take the so-needed shower and then I’ll continue telling the rest of what happened. I’m taking my phone with me, just in case.No sign from him, yet. Ugh, what am I even thinking of there hasn’t been two hours since I got back and I’m already getting worried. Or paranoid. I don’t even understand why am I being like this. Anyway, let’s get my mind off a little bit. I’m just going to play some music and continue. Ah, how I love Lana’s voice…After I gave Daniel my number, we said goodbye in a very awkward way actually. I wasn’t sure if I should just shake his hand or maybe hug him or something and all I ended up doing was giving him a half hug which probably looked ridiculous. Anyway, I don’t want to think about it. I continued walking alone after that and I arrived home ten minutes later. The closer I was getting the emotions were just growing. I was making scenarios of how my mom would react and all the questions that they were all going to throw at me. I was getting exhausted already! I knew I had to get over everything and just get into the yard. Though it was hard, I took a very deep breath and pushed the door. I saw Tamara in the other side playing with an orange ball from one side to another and shaking her long and white fur because of the high temperature. I wasn’t thinking clearly in those moments. I was waiting to see a police cap in the yard or something. But everything was looking so normal. It seemed like nobody was home except Tamara. Wait, Tamara was there! I remembered everything at once! I felt this rush of happiness in my heart and then I found myself running in her direction and I grabbed her and hugged her so tight she started barking at me. I couldn’t believe my eyes. She was okay, nothing had happened. She was there. And Daniel was right. He told me not to worry and I didn’t listen to him. But how could I? I wasn’t really used to think that positive and I never even believed in miracles. They were always just a fairy tale for me. Until today. Daniel was a miracle. Tamara’s showing up was a miracle. I was surrounded by miracles. I was happy. I felt so happy. My heart was beating so fast. I threw my bag in the grass, opened my arms wide and screamed I’M HAPPY with all the voice I had inside. I started running to get inside when I saw that my older sister, Amanda and Matt had been in the balcony staring at me like I had lost my mind.- “Are you like, okay,”- she asked with a scared facial expression. I just smiled at her. Amanda is what you call, a high school princess. She’s so full of herself and even though she’s in college now, she hasn’t changed at all. She’s mostly mean and spoiled and makes a drama out of everything. I guess I do that too, but not that much, I swear. She would burst crying if one of her nails got ruined or something. And she commands Matt like he was his slave. It’s really funny seeing how that poor guy suffers because of her. She goes from the sweetest girlfriend to the maddest in seconds. In the other side, Amanda and I, we have never been that close. I guess I can say I wasn’t good enough for her. She chose to ignore me in school while we were there together

because I did no good for her reputation. I know she always loved me, but her image was always more important. I remember this one time, when she had just broken up with her ex boyfriend, I caught her crying in her room and had the guts to go and ask her what was wrong. That was probably one of the only moments we were close to each other enough to talk about deep stuff. She told me that she had been dealing with a lot of guys around the school that were calling me gay. And until then, I had always wondered how my bullies somehow stopped torturing me in the halls. Amanda was the one that was stopping them. She was one of the most powerful girls on school and nobody wanted to have her as an enemy. I never would have imagined that she had been secretly protecting me but after all, that’s what sisters do, she said. Even the non-perfect ones. But it’s okay, really. I always loved her. Always will. She knew what was going on with my sexual orientation and never said a word about it. She gave me the space I needed to figure myself out. And I know is that she was worried and she still is. Worried because of what might happen to me in the future, worried of me being emotionally unstable, but she just chooses not to say anything, ever. Deep down, she wants to help me but she doesn’t know how. Amanda doesn’t like the way she is either, but it’s how she chose to be and if she feels comfortable that way then that’s okay for me. I wouldn’t want to take her time dealing with my problems. She has her own life, a very dramatic one indeed, so she should live it. I’m good. I’m good.- “And where the hell have you been, like, did you wake up at 6 am to run or something?”- she continued making questions very confused and in the other side she was cuddling Matt’s hair who was laying next to her like a pet. “And, ew, what happened to you, you look like a truck hit you or something!”- she stared at my tied wounds.- “Thank you so much dear Amy!”- I called her like that every time I wanted to piss her off, that name was just not fabulous enough for her.- “Ugh, go take a shower or something, ew,”- she continued. “I don’t want mom and dad to come and find you like this, they would yell at me for not being able to take care of you for a single night.”- “Wait, what do you mean?”- I asked surprised.- “They went at aunts’ Tessa yesterday morning, hello!”- she was treating me like I was the dumbest guy on earth. “You were probably sleeping and I kind of was too busy to even check on you, like ever!”- after saying this she gave Matt a very meaningful look. I felt like throwing up.- “Yeah, I just remembered,”- I lied. She rolled her eyes and touched her fake blonde hair. “This is definitely the third miracle for me!”- I yelled and got inside.- “He’s totally not okay!”- I heard her from outside and started laughing like an idiot. Nobody even noticed I wasn’t home for so long. Tamara was okay. I met Daniel. Three miracles. Everything was going just perfect. I still couldn’t believe it ended up so well. I was hurrying up to get into my room and continue being happy for another century.

06/08/2014

There’s this funny thing about happiness; It fades away before you even notice it. No matter how hard you try to grab it and keep it with you, it chooses to leave and it doesn’t return for a while. And you’re left alone in the dark. Empty again. Disappointed for not being able to

make it stay. All you have now is some memories of how it felt to be happy and even those memories choose to go away soon enough. And It hurts. It hurts so much. I’m struggling to stay calm but tonight it just feels even more painful. I was dumb enough to get my hopes up and think that after what happened, I wouldn’t end up like this anymore. Awake all night long writing and living with the shadows of melancholy. I thought that somehow everything was going to change magically but it didn’t and I should have known it! Why would it? This is my life. This is the way it was meant to be for me and I thought I had accepted it but now I see that I didn’t. Somewhere deep down I’m still hoping for things to get better. I hate myself for that. Nobody wins anything by hoping. Only disappointment. But the hope is what keeps us alive, right? It’s like a drug that we feed ourselves with and somehow survive this cruel life. Actually we don’t, we die in the end. All of us. So, what’s the point of fighting so much when you’re going to lose anyway? Maybe I should give up already. I held on for so long and I don’t know for how much I can take this anymore. I’m tired of living as a slave of pain. And I shouldn’t even be feeling like this, to be honest. I’m just a human, after all. Like everyone else, the only thing different about me is the way I love and this little detail is ruining everything. People did this to me. They’re all so scared of anything different so they choose the easiest way, they choose to hate it! And they hate me.I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I try to be nice to everyone, but the nicer I am, the crueler they get. I walk in my way only to be stared like I was an alien or something. I get laughed at by the way I walk and the way I dress, they throw me words and keep making fun of me. All I have to do is talk and they start giving me looks and laugh like I was a joke. Nobody has the tiniest idea of how that makes me feel. This human they’re not leaving alone, might feel a little hurt. A piece of me dies inside every day and I have to live with all the dead pieces, and carry them around even if they’re getting heavier and heavier.Maybe they think that I’m actually being this way because I chose to, or because I like it, I don’t know. Maybe that’s what makes them mad and they bully me so they can feel better about themselves. But I swear I didn’t. Who would choose to be someone that’s going to be attacked everywhere he goes? Who would choose to have a sad and messy life and lose everyone including his own family? If it was a choice, nobody would take it, I’m sure of that. We would all just go for what we are supposed to be and live in peace. I am the way I am and I’m just tired of trying to change myself anymore. The more I try, the more I get hurt. I don’t know if I was born this way or if something went terribly wrong while I was growing up, all I know is that I’m gay and that I will probably never be accepted by the perfect society I live in. Because everyone except me is perfect, there are no rapists, no killers, no robbers that destroy other’s lives. I’m the only thing wrong in here and I’m the only one who should be attacked. But nobody ever stops to think that I’m actually not doing anything bad to anybody. I just want to live my life the way I want to, just like everyone else. But, this basic human right is not available for someone like me. Simple as that. And in the other side, there’s religion that just makes it even more complicated. “We are being tempted by the devil and if we want, we can get over it by relying to God.” Yeah, right! Like I didn’t spend day after day, month after month praying and crying myself to sleep with the hope that the next morning He would listen to my prayers and fix me. Because they say I’m broken. And if I don’t change, I’m going to burn in hell because it’s my fault. Yes, my fault. I used to read about how people like me deserve to die and get thrown off a cliff or crushed by stones. Religion not only doesn’t want me, it wants me to die because I’m what they call, “humanity getting destroyed.”

I spent the night being upset about every little thing that is wrong with my life. This happens a lot. I just get sad over something and then end up crying over so much more! I think I smoked more than a pack of cigarettes. I woke up to see that I had slept on the floor with my arms around my legs. My neck was killing me and I think I got a cold too. My wounds had gotten a little better but they’re still a problem. It’s going to take a while for them to heal. And the bad thing is that I’m going to have to keep them hidden somehow for my mom not to see. I’m just not in the mood to give her any explanation. I’m physically and emotionally exhausted. It’s a beautiful day outside and only the thought of going out makes me sad. I feel like staying home all day and be miserable for no proper reason. Or maybe there is a reason why I’m being like this. Even though I don’t want to admit it to myself, there is. Daniel. Daniel. Daniel!Two days have passed and there’s no sign of him yet and the more time passes, the more I lose hope that he is ever going to contact me. Maybe he just realized that I wasn’t worth it and decided not to bother call me and continue talking to me. Above all the mess of feelings, right now, I’m also having that “not good enough” feeling, too! My confidence has always been shattered to pieces because of it. I’ve never been sure of myself. Because in one way or another, I always felt like I was never going to be good enough for anybody to actually like me for who I am. I’m just way too complicated for someone to fall for me. I am this guy who keeps daydreaming about finding love hoping that happiness will come with it and only the thought that I might never find it breaks me apart. I grab on to the imagination that maybe somewhere there’s someone thinking the same thing and that we might meet one day and I don’t know, whatever comes after that. I believe that love is the only perfect thing that exists in the universe and that people are who make it seem like it’s not. They play with the most sacred feeling making it lose its magnificence. But in my case, no matter how depressed I might feel and no matter how many times I will get disappointed over and over again, I will never lose the tiny little hope inside. Because, no matter how small, it’s what helps me wake up every morning and keep living the broken life I live. If I didn’t have that, I don’t think I could ever make it.And I’m going downstairs now, I need to eat something and after that, I’m just going to the library because I don’t have anywhere else to go and I need to go out a little. Maybe it will make me feel better. Or not. Anyway, I won’t lose anything by trying so… bye for now!

07

The library was really crowdy. I was always used to open the door and see only the two workers that were almost always alone. I loved it that way. I would stay for so long until I would finally decide which book I would take. And they didn’t have a problem about it. It was the only place where people actually liked me and were glad that I went there. The moment I felt the old books’ smell I felt like home. Because I knew that in there, there were no judgmental faces waiting for me to make a mistake and laugh, there were no bullies, and above all, I was free to act however I wanted without having to worry about it. But today, all I could see was a mess of books all over the floor and some men that kept bringing big packs, probably full of other books. I felt this happiness inside because that meant that they had brought new titles, probably from the newest ones and I could already see myself going there literally every day for a new book. I smiled at them and went to the other side to leave the book I had with me. I stood there and as I saw that everybody was busy and nobody was actually noticing that I needed attendance, I crossed the hall full of

philosophy books and went to my favorite shelf. The one I had read almost every book of, most of them romantic. I knew that like usual, it wouldn’t be easy for me to decide so I let my bag on the wooden red chair next to me, and started reading the titles one by one. I was taking deep breaths because even the air was making me feel better. The noises from around went going quieter… I found this interesting thriller and couldn’t help it but start reading the first chapter just to see if it was as good as it looked. On page 3 I sat down on my bag because my leg was itching. I was sure I was going to take it but even after that, I wanted to have another look around, just in case. There was this tiny little blue covered book that got my attention. I was giving it a closer look because of the small font when I heard him from the right.- “Did you know they brought The Fault In Our Stars today?”- I turned my head and saw the exciting look in his mesmerizing face.- “They did what?”- I basically yelled because he got me so scared that I ended up throwing the book I had in my hand and the I hit the chair from the back and I threw it making such a big noise that it scared the librarian too.- “Are you okay, kids?”- I heard him asking from the other side of the library with a tired voice.- “Yes, everything is okay,”- Daniel responded trying to hold the laughter. I was blushing till the point I felt numb and couldn’t even move or do anything. Daniel went and grabbed the chair and my bag with it. “I didn’t know you loved the book this much,”- he said.- “No, I don’t,”- I replied in a hurry hoping to fix everything but every time I wanted to do that I just made things even worse. “I mean, I do, I love it a lot,”- I added. “But I had that reaction because you scared me, I mean, who shows up like that talking to your ear out of nowhere, don’t ever do that again, okay?”- “I’m sorry,”- he made this puppy face which I knew he was faking because he surely was conscious of how adorable it looked on him and was trying to make me lose my mind but I swear that this time he wouldn’t. I’m a strong person and a cute guy wouldn’t change that no matter how many puppy faces he made.- “Apology accepted,”- I said and I grabbed my bag as a sign I was leaving. Of course I didn’t want to do that but I had no reason to stay, so…- “Wait,”- he called and a smile showed up in face. “Who don’t you help me pick a book because it has been a while that I haven’t been here.”- “You’re here for a book?”- I looked at him suspiciously. I wasn’t used seeing guys even four meters near that shelf. Was he serious?- “Uhm, no,”- he looked at me like I was dumb. “I came here just so I could see you.”- “What do you mean?”- I asked struggling to control my high pitched voice.- “Austin, I’m here for a book, that’s what people come to the library for, hello!”- he was checking if I was really that stupid or if I was just messing with him. “If I wanted to see you, we would be in a date right now.”- “Hah,”- was he seriously… “But you didn’t so I guess that means you don’t actually want to see me,”- I know, I know I shouldn’t have said that but I just had to get it out of my system. I was so mad he didn’t text me or call or anything for days, I couldn’t just pretend everything was okay.- “You were definitely waiting for my call, weren’t you?”- he sounded so happy. - “Probably,”- I replied and I saw a sparkle in his eyes. “Just so I could say no when you’d ask me for that date thing.”

- “Oh, I am more than sure that you would say yes,”- he was smiling and when he did that I did the same and it’s not even funny.- “Don’t be so sure of yourself,”- I went a step back and started looking out the window. The sky was so clear.- “Actually, I’m always really sure of myself,”- he said. “But, when it comes to you, not that much,”- he just made a confession and I know he regret it but I was so glad he actually said something about how he feels, it was just so adorable. I wished he did that more often.- “I know,”- I stopped looking out the window and smiled at him. “Or I’m just glad you told me that.”- “Okay, stop it,”- he was avoiding eye contact with me. Awe, it was so cute. Him being shy, I was so close to go and grab his cheek. But I didn’t. See? I told you I am a very strong and independent guy. - “So as a reward, I’m going to show you around,”- I went closer to him. “What are you interested in darling?”- “Darling, huh,”- that was his transformation from shy to flirty. “Now, that’s a start!”The next minutes were basically me trying to show off and acting smart but that wasn’t working all that well because he had read almost as much as I did. It was kind of hard for me to believe that there was another guy in this planet who would actually like reading the kind of books that I do. But, I guess I had found him. Ugh, that sounded bad. I didn’t find anyone, just forget it already! Daniel grabbed the little blue book I had in my hands earlier and while he was checking it, I was checking on him. His short brown hair was looking kind of lighter today. He was wearing these tight short jeans and some dark blue trainers. On top, as the other day, an armless blue t-shirt. And he had this black anchor bracelet that I was liking so much, I couldn’t stop looking at it. I think he noticed it. - “I’m taking this one,”- he said and closed it. “It looks good and I don’t want to take more of your time.”- “Oh,”- I finally took my eyes off his bracelet. “Good then, I hope I could help somehow.”- “Yeah you did, I already know what I’ll take next,”- he made a satisfied face. “Thank you, Austin.”- “You’re more than welcome, Daniel.”We started walking to the librarian’s desk when he whispered at me. “Can I tell you something?”- “Yeah, sure,”- I wasn’t daring to look at him because I didn’t know where would I end up after that.- “I like the way my name sounds when you say it.”I rolled my eyes so much until I was sure he saw me doing it. He bursed out laughing. “That a little way too overused, don’t you think?”- I said and I turned my head in the other side pretending I was looking to the shelves.- “Yeah, I know,”- he said after he finished laughing. “I just wanted to see your reaction.”- “Oh,”- I looked at him raising one of my eyebrows. “How was my reaction?”- I asked.- “Speechless,”- he replied.We went out of the library a few minutes later and I wasn’t sure which way he would go or where I should say goodbye to him. I was just following his steps as we went outside. The strong sun rays hit me directly. I put my sunglasses on and so did Daniel. It was better this way, I could stare at his body without worrying he would notice and throw me words. I imagined him thinking the same thing.

The town was just as crowdy as the other day. It was kind of weird for me to walk with a guy that wasn’t a sibling. I’m used to walk all alone the whole summer or with Marley, even though we don’t go out much with her. I started feeling like people were looking at us weirdly, even though they didn’t but still, you know, the feeling like they are? It really began to feel uncomfortable because… I don’t even know why. I need some more time to get used to Daniel.- “Maybe you should put my book in your bag,”- he spoke, finally. “I don’t want to be hanging it like this.”- “Oh,”- we had almost stopped walking. “Sure, I’m sorry, I didn’t think of it,”- I did as he said and saw his satisfied look, again.- “How are you feeling?”- he continued talking. “I’m sorry, I forgot to ask earlier.”- “I’m better,”- I replied. I kind of liked him being interested on how I was. “A few more days and I won’t even feel anything.”- “That’s good,”- he shook his head and grabbed his hair. He was struggling to talk something but he didn’t know what. - “And your favorite color is…”- he made such a basic question I wasn’t even excited to answer.- “It’s green,”- I took a deep breath thinking about his green eyes.- “Cool,”- he continued and looked happy about it for some reason.- “You know, we should make a rule for when we run out of things to talk about,”- I said as we were going through people.- “Like what?”- he asked and got a little bit closer to me.- “Mention something really random and then make a story out of it,”- I liked this idea. I liked my idea. Wow, I really am something!- “Oh,”- was all he said and then he was quiet for a while. “Love!”- he shouted and an old woman turned around staring at him.- “Love is the cure,”- I shouted after him and the woman turned around shaking her head. We were making fools out of ourselves and I was enjoying it so much.- “Love is what we need to be happy,”- he continued but this time talking normally.- “So, you’re romantic huh?”- I asked him with my fingers crossed hoping he would give me an answer.- “My biggest dream is to find one special person and spend my entire life with her…”- he said it in such a dreamy way I was getting emotional. No, I was actually getting emotional because he said her. Her. I just couldn’t believe my ears! Was he playing with me this whole time (you know him for a few days, Austin), and I was a fool to fall in his trap!?- “It’s a him, actually,”- he looked at me. “I just love your reactions Austin, I’m sorry, but I can’t help it,”- he smiled in such a beautiful way that I felt three butterflies having a fight inside my stomach.- “You’re a jerk for playing like this with my fragile heart,”- I could feel the relief in my raised voice. And so did he. - “So…”- he continued. “If that makes me a romantic person, then I am one of them!”- “You’re one of us,”- I said and looked down.Our steps were really slow, I bet we were annoying everyone. But if you ask me, I would want to walk even slower just so I could spend more time with him. Even if we would just look at each other from time to time and stay quiet, I liked that he was next to me. I liked him. I officially admit it. I don’t even know, it happened so fast, I was crushing on a guy I barely even knew.

I heard him take a deep breath and I knew he was about to speak. “Do you think we’ll ever find someone?”- I could barely hear him. - “Uh,”- I whispered. “Maybe we will, or maybe we won’t. I’m not sure,”- we had almost arrived at the street that led to my house. “There are days I’m so sure that I will, I get this excitement inside and it feels so good…”- “But the excitement somehow fades away and after that, the other days are the ones I just don’t hope anything,”- he interrupted me and continued the exact same sentence I was going to say. - “Yeah,”- I continued. “Something like that.”- “I guess we have this in common,”- Daniel stopped walking and so did I.- “I guess we do,”- I replied shortly as he was getting closer to me. He came and touched my hair by taking them off my eyes. And then he gave me one of his deep looks that felt like he was seeing through me. I wasn’t thinking clearly. His fingers slid down to my neck and touched it softly. The adrenaline was getting ready. And we were in public, though in those moments there was nobody around, it was still not safe. But what could I do? It was him, he was making me lose my mind and I’m scared I might end up doing stuff that I will regret. He gives me this powerful desire to be reckless and I know it won’t end up well. But it’s him. It’s Daniel, Daniel… How will I handle him this way?- “I’m almost home,”- I said after I felt like I had gotten over that mess of feelings. “So, thank you for walking me till here!”- I grabbed his hand that was still touching me.- “Anytime,”- he took a step back, thankfully! “Anytime you want,”- he added and started looking around. I could see the panic in his face even though he was trying to hide it.I turned and all I saw was a guy dressed in black that was walking in the other street. I didn’t pay much attention. “What’s wrong?”- I asked.- “Oh, everything is okay,”- he answered really fast. I knew there was something going on. Maybe he was just scared that somebody might have seen the little scene we did. It wasn’t very thoughtful of us, now was it? I didn’t really care, to be honest. See, this is what I’m saying! It will not end up well. It won’t, it won’t, but I still don’t care…Daniel said his short goodbye and started walking really fast leaving me staring at him from the behind. It was kind of weird but I was still excited to see him and walk with him and that was all I had in my mind in those moments. I was happy, oh, I was happy!

I spent the whole day reading and checking on my phone every two minutes in case he shows up somewhere. I never even liked staying on my phone that much, my parents made me keep it because if it was for me, I wouldn’t even use it. I am more than happy with my laptop and my blog where I write little essays and stuff. I think I never mentioned it, wow! It means a lot to me, actually. A lot of people like my writings, even people from my school. But I still do no good to anyone to hang out with me in real life. Oh well, I’m good this way. I have my own world and if I had a lot of people around, they would just ruin it. This is one of the other things that I keep repeating to myself.It’s getting dark now and I still have his stupid and adorable and dreamy face in front of me. Ugh, why did I even meet him, all he’s bringing me is pain. But the sweetest pain. The kind of pain you feel and then can’t live without it. It hurts because I kind of want him to text me right now and I can’t believe I’m being so desperate but I can’t help it, I want him. Well, the only good thing I got was that now I actually have someone to think about and fangirl with Marley about (which I’m doing right now because I’m calling her). Instead of the empty late night thoughts, now I got him and his words to think about over and over again until I finally

sleep. Which I shouldn’t because it’s too early for that but… I’m saying this like there’s going to be something more of us two which I really want to, but still, no. No more hopes Austin! You’re a strong guy and that is not going to change because of Daniel! You won’t let it, no matter what it’s not going to change, wait, I mentioned his name so now I don’t even remember what I was writing! What’s not going to change? Marley is not answering her phone, I hate when she does this. It’s not like I call her so often. I can’t remember the last time we even talked because she’s always doing something or going places, her life makes me cry every time. She invited me to go to summer camp this year but I said no because I didn’t want to ruin everything with me being uncomfortable and staying alone all the time. The people she hangs out with, are from the cool people and even though they’re all weird in their way, I don’t think I could ever get to be one of them. Even though I should try it, hang out with people and stuff but it never works because I feel like I don’t belong anywhere. But before I even start talking about this and get this thing depressing as hell, I’m just going to try and call her again.She finally picked up after more than an hour. I had finished dinner and went back to my room because I felt inspired to write another text on my blog. I was going to write a bright one for the first time in my blogging history and all because of… Nah, I’m not even going to mention his name again, this is my diary and my life is not all about him, or is it?I’m going to start telling the conversation we had from the moment she screamed so much that my ear was hurting. She wasn’t that girly but she did that because she knew how much I hated it because I’ve had it enough with Amanda and her drama 24/7.- “Who is he? Is he tall? Is he cute? Omg, is he hot? Does he like you back? Did you go out? Did he kiss you? Tell me everything you little * I can’t even!”- and she literally couldn’t breathe because of yelling so much without stopping for one second. I had to take off my phone and wait until she was done.- “His name is Daniel and no we didn’t go out, we just spent the other night in a tent and that’s it,”- I replied to her questions and I was trying to hold my laughter because I could imagine her face right after I said that. She just stayed calm for a few seconds and I knew she was just gathering energy for the next shot.- “You did what? Wait, wait, wait… You did what?!”- she raised her voice as much as she wanted to stay calm. - “What you just heard baby,”- I sounded so cocky I couldn’t believe that was me.- “I thought we had a deal,”- that was her getting mad, for real.- “What deal?”- I asked confused and went from the sofa to my bed.- “None of us were going to do it before we were married! And you promised, you promised! I just can’t believe you ruined our sacred friendship pact,”- she was about to burst in tears (fake ones, for sure).- “Oh, about that,”- I had to cover my mouth not to laugh because that would make things even worse.- “You’re even saying it like it was nothing, who are you and what has possessed you?”- her voice was just raising I knew I had to stop lying, though I was loving it so much.- “Nothing happened sweetheart, I’ll explain it to you tomorrow because right now I have to go,”- I saw this notification on my laptop and I started shaking like after every other notification I got today. - “So, we’re going out tomorrow?”- she asked excited.- “Yeah, I miss you way too much to stand another day without seeing you…”- I just realized how much I missed telling her my stuff and how much I missed her reactions and the way

she always knew how to make me happy. She was the only good thing I had gotten in high school in the past two years.- “Okay then, just text me when and where we will meet,”- she was sad that she couldn’t continue her drama about what I told her. “And I miss you too,”- she added. “Like every day, I love you, you little prick!”- “Sending you hugs,”- I hanged up really fast because she was so close to start the questions all over again. I love the way I felt warm after every conversation with Marley. She is truly a blessing. One of the few I got in this life. I just hope I’ll never lose her, like ever. I would love to grow old with her and still talk boys (by then it will be husbands, hopefully).I went slowly near my laptop with my heart beating really fast. Someone had commented in an old blog post. I felt this disappointment for the hundredth time today, I was just getting tired of waiting. I’ll write the whole post and the comment too, also the way I replied, you’ll see I shouldn’t have been so disappointed.

It’s a good day.You’re walking through people with your headphones on, you’re enjoying the good music,

the life around you, the sun, the fresh air. You feel calm, maybe even a little bit happy because of the way that little girl just smiled at you with a pure sparkle inside her deep blue eyes. And then, you see someone coming right at you to throw themselves in your arms and

hug you because they haven’t seen you for so long. You turn your head and realize that it was just an impuls and that actually, there’s nobody you know in the crowd.

So you continue walking, desperately wanting to shake that thought from your head. But no, you feel it again, you see their smiling faces all around you and get disappointed every time.This is when you realize you’re missing somebody. I do, too! I miss a lot of people, actually.

They’ve managed to take pieces of me so now I’m just a divided soul that can’t breathe right. I shouldn’t have shared so much of my love, you know? Because, after all, everything and

everyone is temporary. I should have known that!Seasons keep changing, flowers die, people leave… And that’s the best thing they do, leave!

And you’re left feeling worthless, like this is all your fault.

Like you weren’t good enough to make someone stay.

- “This is so perfect, It almost made me cry but I didn’t because I know this will all change now that you have me!”- this comment came first.- “Who is this?”- I thought it was someone just messing with me.- “Your savior, your hero, call me whatever you want, honey!”- I rolled my eyes so much they started hurting. I remembered doing the same with Daniel in the library, I smiled a little.- “You’re so funny, go away now,”- yup, just another annoying loser.- “You know what? Why don’t you just open up your facebook and the first friend request you got, that’s me!” I felt like an airplane crashed over my head. With my shaking fingers I opened up a new tab and logged in into my facebook. Yes, I had a friend request. I took some deep breaths and BAM! Daniel Evans wants to be friends with you. I screamed after that. Yup, I did, so much that my throat is still hurting. I hit that confirm button with all my strength scared that he

would take it off. I was freaking out. I might have danced a little bit all over my room, too! Something was up. Something was definitely up!

08

I never thought I would actually wake up the way they do in commercials feeling brighter than the sun rays that were getting in from my window. I put on some decent clothes (thing I never even thought of doing the other days), and went singing a cheerful song downstairs. I wasn’t that hungry but I still wanted to eat because eating means staying healthy and I wanted to be healthy. Oh my god, I just re-read the last sentence and I can’t believe it’s true, either. I made a toast and was filling a big glass of milk when mom came into the kitchen and gave me one of her suspicious looks. I was praying she wouldn’t say anything to ruin the beautiful day because somehow she always managed to make drama out of the tinniest stuff and annoy me. - “Morning mom,”- I smiled at her and her eyes just went even more suspicious.- “Morning sweetie,”- she said and stared at me for a few moments. “How did you sleep?”- “Oh, wonderful,”- I took the toast in one hand and the glass of milk in the other and put them on the table. - “And you’re having breakfast, wow,”- she wasn’t hiding the surprised expression anymore.- “You bet I am,”- I sat down and was getting ready to start eating.- “Did anything happen?”- she smiled and sat down in the chair next to me all excited for me to tell her but I didn’t have anything to tell, what was she even talking about? - “No,”- I swallowed the first bite. “Why are you asking?”- I was trying to look calm.- “I don’t know, you just look in such a good mood today, that’s not something we’re used to see in you, especially in the mornings,”- she was giving me those detective looks, it was getting harder not to get nervous and spill everything out. “Did something made you happy, or someone…”- she half smiled I was already getting annoyed. I knew she was going to end up asking me this. She always did. No matter what we were talking about, she always found a way to bring this topic on. She was basically dying to know my emotional life for some reason and that pissed me off every time.- “Is it necessary to have a reason for being in a good mood mom?”- I tried not to raise my voice. “Like, seriously?”- “Oh,”- she cuddled my hair like I was her little baby which I wasn’t and I hated when she did that. “Don’t act like this honey, I know that little sparkle in your eyes, I used to have it too when…”- “I’m not in the mood to listen to the story of you and dad falling in love for the millionth time so can I please eat my delicious toast in peace,”- I was begging her. “Please…”- “Okay, okay, but there’s one thing you should know,”- she put her hand in my shoulder and got closer. “When you’re happy, I’m happy, how I wish to see you like this every day,”- I was looking down with the hope I wouldn’t burst crying. I hate that I am so emotional. - “I know mom, I love you,”- I gave her a little hug.- “I love you too, Austin, I love you no matter what, keep that in mind no matter what happens, okay?”- “Okay,”- I hugged her tighter. She smiled at me and I smiled back. - “And you won’t hide anything from me, right?”- her voice was shaking. “No matter what it is, you tell me, because I’m maybe the only person in this world that will do the impossible to help you because you’re my son. You’re the air I breathe.”

- “Mom…”- was all I could say in response.- “Yes, sweetie,”- she grabbed me in her arms. We were staying like that with our hearts beating fast. I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready to tell her. I wasn’t ready to hurt her like that. I love her more than anything. - “We’re a little bit dramatic, aren’t we?”- I smiled in between tears.- “Yeah,”- she did the same. “It runs in our blood, but that’s what makes us adorable.”- “I will tell you everything, but when it’s time,”- I said. “For now, I’m okay. I want you to keep this in mind now, I’m okay. I’m a survivor, or at least that’s what I like to call myself.”- “You are,”- she looked at me like a typical proud mother. “And I don’t want you to suffer because you don’t have someone to talk to. I’m here. Anytime you want. You will get through everything, I know you will. You’re stronger than all those bullies of yours everywhere, because if someone passed through stuff you did, they wouldn’t be where you are right now. Be proud of yourself, love yourself because I love you. And I am proud of you.”I was so full in those moments I didn’t know what to say anymore. Crying wasn’t helping. I hugged her one more time. I am a lucky guy. Even though sometimes I get depressed and deny it, deep down, I always know that I am lucky to have her. She’s a miracle. - “Omg, you two weirdos are making me leave this house,”- I turned around and saw Amanda with her hilarious ‘what the hell’ expression in her face. “I just can’t believe it, is this a drama show?”Me and mom bursed laughing out loud while she grabbed her breakfast (which contained nothing more than a slice of a tomato and a little cheese), and went out rolling her eyes. This day was just getting better and better!

Walking always does good to me. It helps me clear my mind, especially when I’m in a good mood. I can say that my leg is completely healed by now and the only thing I can see is a thin purple line which will fade away with time. Same with my arm. I was so lucky that nobody from home noticed them, Amanda actually did but she probably forgot or didn’t want to tell. I have treated her like a princess the past few days because I was scared she would get mad and then she would surely tell mom about me getting home the way I did the other day.Right now, I’m in the town’s most simple café, which is in the center. I’m waiting for Marley and since she always does this to me by being late at least half an hour, I have no other choice but to write. Sometimes I write essays and sometimes it’s just another diary page. I just finished this little writing about autumn and I’m excited to post it on my blog when I get home. People in here are used to seeing me with a notebook constantly in my hands so they never deal with me. Of course I get some rude looks from time to time but I don’t mind. I like the atmosphere and the ambient in here. I like the shelves that are full of books and other really cool antique stuff. And then there are the scratched walls, the dream catcher hanging right above my head and the low lights followed by the best music that always gets me inspired. I would seriously stay in here for hours if I could.I forgot to tell that Daniel texted me last night. We chatted for almost an hour until he went to sleep, which left me kind of disappointed since the conversation was going so good. I don’t know why but with him I can be myself and he never threw me any judging reply. Sometimes he makes jokes but yet I feel like he understands me. In his own weird and sarcastic way, but I feel like he does. Also he said that he was a really lazy texter so that means that if I want to catch up with him, I need to meet him live. I think this is good, I don’t

want us to be an internet thing which is not that real and can end up in a single fight for the simplest thing. I’m starting to like the way he thinks of stuff. He seems to be smarter than I thought. Nothing is compared to physical contact. I guess we were both born in the wrong generation, as some people say.Marley arrived a few minutes later, and the moment I saw her coming from the outside, I realized just how much I missed seeing her pancake face. It had been weeks that we hadn’t gone out together. She was wearing this short white dress together with some while and long socks which went perfectly with the shiny black shoes. She had on her grandmother’s necklace (which she never took off) and a pretty hat that covered some of her long hair. I was so proud of my beautiful best friend that always looked stunning! I stood up and opened up my arms until she hugged me smiling. She was shorter compared to me being a giraffe so hugging her was always adorable. We were both making puppy sounds (thing we did just so people around could get annoyed by so much love). I knew she missed me just as much as I did. For some reason, she always says that I have this huge place in her heart and I couldn’t be happier about it. It’s really good knowing that someone loves you for who you are and doesn’t want to change anything in you because in their eyes, you’re perfect. - “You look hotter than fire,”- I said as we were sitting down. - “You don’t look bad yourself,”- she stared at me. “I like those pants, grey looks good in you!”- she ordered vanilla ice cream while I was checking my pants.- “Thank you,”- I said with my high pitched voice. “I needed to shake off the colors a bit.”- “Oh,”- she got closer. “Is there any reason about it?”- “There might be,’- I smiled and looked down. - “Of course, what was his name again, Danny?”- I felt her leg hitting mine. “You little prick, when did this even happen, I’m so excited!”- “Omg Marley,”- I took a deep breath. “Nothing happened, but at the same time, so much happened I have no idea how to explain it.”- “Why don’t you let me try,”- she said as she grabbed her ice cream and was looking at hit like she was a little baby. “There’s a name for what you feel right now,”- she stuffed her mouth and looked at me.- “Well, I really have no experience in this stuff so,”- I was feeling confused.- “The call it love at first sight,”- her French accent was just hilarious. But what she said was even more hilarious.- “What?”- I was laughing and I could feel the burning in my skin. “No, no, no,”- I almost hit the glass in front of me.- “Okay, okay, there’s no reason to shake Austin,”- she was acting concentrated on her ice cream but I knew she was making me nervous in purpose. It was her way of always making me tell her everything because she left me no other choice. Sometimes I end up telling her stuff that I don’t even want to admit to myself. She’s a witch. I swear she’s a damn witch!- “I’m not shaking,”- I said. “It’s just that… what you said, it happens only in movies and in those romantic books I like to read. Life is not like that. We both know it’s not.”- “You’re disappointing me,”- she meant it. “Things like that do happen in real life too and I’m seeing it right now. That little sparkle in your eyes, oh darling, I’ve been through that,”- I hated when she bragged about having so much experience. So what if she dated a few guys, that doesn’t give her the right to brag! “Actually,”- she continued, “I haven’t because I never found it. I thought I did but love doesn’t like me, I guess.”

- “What do you mean, I thought you were happy with Robert,”- I was actually rooting for those two.- “Nah,”- she turned her head and looked outside for a few moments. “He’s not the one, I know he’s not.”- “How can you know that,”- I was starting to feel bad for her. “I know you guys like each other, maybe with time it will turn out to be something bigger, who knows? You can’t just give up like this sweetie.”- “How many times have you and Daniel met, Austin?”- she responded with another question.- “Uhm,”- I drank some soda counting. “Like two times,”- I laughed because of how pathetic I must have looked in front of her. I was acting like we were dating when actually nothing had happened.- “Okay,”- she smiled. “And how did you feel the second time you saw him, how did you feel the moment you saw his face?”I thought of the moment he showed up in the library and stopped for a bit. “I felt like the whole stars were colliding and pouring their light in my heart,”- my voice was so dreamy. Marley didn’t give any reaction. “I was surprised because everything I was feeling in the first time I saw him, had just magnified. Every little emotion had gone stronger and it was hard for me to hide it. I felt like during all this time I have been living in half and that he was the one to complete me.”- “Do you know what they say in Greek Mythology?”- she asked and took off her hat. “They say that humans were originally created with four arms, four legs and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them in two separate beings, condemning them to spend their lives in search of each other halves.”- “Wow,”- I whispered. “Wait, what are you trying to say?”- I shook off the surprise and went back to reality.- “I’m not trying to say anything,”- she answered even though I knew she pinned it on me. “I’m just saying that there’s a little chance he can be your other half, I mean, isn’t it just magical?”- she was already picturing us together, I knew she was.- “No stop,”- I pinched her hand. “We are rushing things way too much and this is not good, I don’t want to end up hurt, I’m really scared of that.”- “I understand,”- she said, “and I know it’s really early but there’s something going on, don’t deny it,”- she smirked. “What I’m trying to say is that, I don’t feel that when I see Robert and we’ve been together for three months now. Actually it’s in a week, the anniversary, I mean. That’s why I asked you how Daniel makes you feel, because I wanted to see for myself that love, love has to start in a special way otherwise it will never do.”- “Marley, come on,”- I was so sad for the fact that she never made it to be completely happy. She was just another lost teenager who was so good in her spirit and that was her only flaw. Being good. It’s a cruel world and good people are always turned down and hurting. She tried to find shelter in people and they all end up turning their backs on her somehow. Yet she never changed, at least not with me. She’s still the innocent little girl that likes long walks and good music, the girl that loves everyone but that is never loved in return. She is still funny and she still makes everyone’s day better, she says she hates seeing people sad because, because she know how that feels better than anyone. Yes, she is lost. I guess that’s why we’re such close friends. We’re both trying to find ourselves without knowing in which

road to go. All the roads are long and tiring, and the sad songs have no ending. It gets hard, and the emptiness gets heavy to carry on. - “Oh, don’t worry Austin, I’m going to wait for that special one even if I end up old and grey. I don’t want to give myself to someone I don’t truly love, it wouldn’t make any sense. Plus,”- her face went brighter, “I still have some useful years left,”- she was calling herself hot, that made me feel better. - “Yeah, you surely do,”- I smiled and grabbed her hand. “Everyone is staring at you since you came here, you should feel proud of yourself, nobody gets this much attention, not even me!”- “Of course they are,”- she flipped her hair. “I’m a celebrity compared to them!”We both laughed and it was the time to change the topic a little. We missed each other way too much and of course there were other things to talk about other than being all deep and sad. I told her a little bit more about Austin and the way we met, and I was struggling to keep control of her reactions, people were staring at us way more than normal. She ended up pulling a pack of tissues from her bag and started dramatizing like I was talking about a romantic movie. Maybe I was, because in some moments, while I was telling the story, I felt like it never happened. Like it was not true and like I had just imagined it. It was really hard to convince myself that it wasn’t just in my head. But I’m saying it again, too good to be true. You feel me?From crushes to gossip about people from school to long conversations about the universe. It was always like this with her. We would just talk about nonsense until we felt numb of staying in one place and we had to get up. Days in which I get to see Marley are definitely the brightest of them all!

I just cannot believe this! I honestly have no words. This is just way too much for me to handle. Tell me this is not happening. Please, tell me this is not happening! Who punished me like this? I must have been cursed as a baby to have this miserable life. Maleficent did this to me, she was the one that did it! She cursed me so it would rain nonstop on the day of my first date and who knows what will happen on my first kiss! How could she be so heartless? I don’t deserve this, I was making so many scenarios in my head last night of how perfect this day would be and now I’m standing next to my window watching the rain flow and the thunder and the damn apocalypse that’s happening outside. Why? Oh goodness gracious, why?! I think I’m about to have a panic attack or an emotional breakdown or I don’t know, I just… I spent the whole day yesterday preparing and it’s all going to get ruined. I feel like writing a letter to rain begging it to just stop already. I think I’m going to do that. I’m going crazy. I’m seriously going crazy. Nothing is helping me to calm down. What am I going to do?

Dear rain,Can you please just stop for today and then you can do your thing for a month if you want to, just not today? I’m a hopeless guy who wants to go on a date so bad and you’re ruining everything right now. Please feel bad for me, I might get a heart attack and die.

Yours always, Austin.

Marley came at 3pm. She said she wanted to be near me after the phone call where I was yelling at her like it was her fault that the rain wasn’t stopping. And she got all wet because there was nobody at her home to bring her so she had to come walking. And when she decides to see me, it can rain frogs and she would still do it. I know, she’s adorable. I was still at the window anxious while she was right behind me drying her hair. Her long brown hair that went so good with her deep blue eyes like a million seas collided inside them.- “Why are you making it such a big deal?”- she asked me while struggling to take off the comb out of her hair. The perks of having curly hair, she says.- “What do you mean why am I making it such a big deal?”- I turned around raising my voice and my hands were shaking. - “You can just postpone it for another day, it’s not the end of the world,”- I could not believe how normal this was for her. I was getting so mad, I can’t explain it.- “No, I want to see Daniel today, to-day,”- I got closer to her and took the comb off together with some of her hair.- “Ouch,”- she hit me on my hand. “Fine then,”- she made that serious face that I loved. “You will see him today and that’s why I’m here. I will get you all dressed up and you’re definitely not going to be single anymore after tonight,”- she gave me a meaningful look.- “I can get dressed up by myself,”- I smiled. “I just need you to tell me how to act, how to talk, what does one even do on a first date?”- “Well,”- she got up and sat on my bed. “If you think I’m doing to give you lessons about that… I’m not,”- my hopes got all smashed up. I groaned.- “Then what are you going to do, huh?”- I sat next to her ready to attack. “This is wrong, it’s all going to go wrong, I’m going to screw it all up and you are not even helping me, what kind of a best friend are you?!”- I was sounding like a basic while girl complaining about how hard life is.- “I’m going to give you one simple lesson that you must have heard before but I’m going to say it to you anyway,”- she grabbed my shaking hands and looked me in the eyes. “Be yourself Austin.”- “Really?”- I looked at her in a dumb way. “Is that it?”- “Yeah,”- she shook her head. “That’s all you have to do and I promise,”- she grabbed my hands tighter. “I promise he’s going to love you because the Austin I know, is heavenly.”- “Stop flattering me,”- I actually started enjoying it. I don’t get compliments really often, to be honest. - “Don’t try to do stuff that you don’t, don’t try to be someone you’re not because in that way you would be just fooling yourself. If you want him to really love you then you have to make him fall for the Austin I know. The one that likes staying up all night writing, the one that loves everyone no matter what, the one that sometimes is so sad, he likes to just shut up and not talk for hours. You have be comfortable with him even when you don’t talk, even if you will just stay in each-others’ arms without saying a word. That’s the only way it can be

real. Otherwise don’t even bother starting anything. Just be you. And he will love you, I’m sure he will. If not, then someone else will. Because even if you never admit it to yourself, you are special. You have so many good things in you that… that I think you don’t even have the tinniest idea you have them. You’re an angel Austin, and Daniel might be the cure to your broken wings,”- I was staring at her struggling to not hug her and stop her from making me feel so good. “So, start dancing at the most random song that comes on when you guys are together just like you do with me,”- she continued smiling. “Tell him everything you feel in every moment, don’t get too desperate though, and after that, kiss him! Kiss him so passionately that he will have no other choice but to fall for you. Wait for him to show you affection, if you see that he really cares for you then take the chance without thinking twice. You’re young, and most importantly, you’re free. So there’s literally nothing stopping you from being happy. I think the time of you regretting who you are and trying to change yourself is over already. It’s time for you to go out and do stuff and try to find the love you craved for so long. Meet people, go places, do anything that comes in your mind no matter how wild it is. If it makes you happy then don’t you even dare to stop because of what people might say or think. If Daniel makes you happy, then go for it. If not, there are others that are probably dreaming right now to find someone like you.”- “But Marley,”- I was filled with so much positive energy but at the same time I felt so scared because of everything happening so fast. I just couldn’t imagine myself having an actual life. I was terrified of the world but I knew that it was time for me to confront it. It was time for me to live.- “No, Austin,”- she replied. “No more hiding in your room scared of getting hurt more than you already are. If you want to be happy, you must take risks! You must handle your heart to someone’s hands and there’s a big chance they might crush it but even if they do, then so be it. Life is like this. We love, we laugh, we get hurt, it’s all part of being alive and there’s nothing more magical than that, than being alive. I want to see you do this and me of all people know that you can do it. You can’t be scared of going out on a simple date with someone you like. He can be the one, but there’s a much bigger chance he is not. Just take it easy. You don’t have to stress out over something as simple as that. Whatever happens, happens! You can always count on me and you have this big shoulder to cry on,”- she was showing me her shoulder which was actually not big at all.- “And you have no idea how thankful I am for that,”- I said and hugged her because I couldn’t anymore. “Thank you so much for all of this, I really love you. Maybe I’m not that good at expressing it and I might not say it often but you know that I do love you a lot, right?”- “I know,”- she whispered. “Of course you do, I mean did you listen to everything I just said? I’m way too smart and attractive, I should totally be an author too!”- “Yeah,”- I laughed. “You definitely should!”The rest of the day went with me freaking out about the rain but yet trying so hard not to give up and we were talking with Marley about the most random stuff just so I could get my mind off. Mom came upstairs to pay us a little interrogative visit but when she saw she wasn’t getting any answers from any of us (though she was trying in every way), she left even more curious. She knew something was up. I don’t know how, it’s like she read it in my forehead when I was hiding something from her.I got all dressed up and Marley did my hair. I hated it but she insisted that it looked good on me in that way all up and wavy. I was hating my long hair so much in those moments. Actually, I was hating every little detail of me because I looked ugly. I couldn’t just go out

with him in that way. He could get scared and stop liking me. I’m saying it like he already does like me. He does, he gave me a gift, of course he likes me, right? Ugh…- “I don’t think I’m ready to do this,”- I was shaking again. “Yes I do remember what you said,”- I continued after seeing her annoyed facial expression, “but maybe it’s early for all these things. I am not ready to go out on a date, this is real, this is actually happening, I’m freaking out Marley!”- “You don’t have to be ready for this, as I already told you, you’re going to rock it, I can already hear you when you tell me everything on the phone later tonight,”- she was looking out the window. “And stop going from one corner to the other, you’re making me nervous too!”- “You just don’t understand,”- I stopped and shouted at her. She raised one of her eyebrows. “Okay, fine, you do understand,”- I admitted. “But tell me, were as nervous as I am, please tell me the truth?”- “Well,”- she scratched her arm (thing she does when she’s about to be honest). “My first date was really spontaneous because he called me and told me he was waiting me outside of my house… oh wait, no, that’s not actually my first date,”- she laughed at herself. - “I didn’t know you’ve dated so many,”- I winked at her.- “Did you just call me a…”- she stopped laughing and got all serious.- “Oh, no,”- I acted serious too. “How could I ever,”- but my eyes were shining because we always made fun of her exes and yet she never liked to admit that she kind of overdid it with boys.- “Oh,”- she was about to smile too and as a revenge she said: “I cried the whole day and I threw up when I saw him because I got food poisoning that day,”- and then she looked at me with a hope I would get scared. And she made it. My heart started beating so fast and I was about to have breathing problems. Only the thought of throwing up in front of Daniel was terrifying me. She was just making it worse. Why did I even ask her that? - “I just want this day to be over already, what have I done to myself?”- I went and sat down next to her again. I was trying not to get my hair messed up but that wasn’t working because every time I’m stressed out, I grab them and pull them and basically ruin them. No wonder nobody ever liked me.- “I am so done with you complaining all day like a little…”- my phone vibration stopped her. We both turned and looked at it. I knew immediately who was calling. - “Go on,”- she made a sign with her head. “Pick it up!”I looked at her and then I looked at the phone which was in the laptop table next to the window and then looked at her again. “Maybe I shouldn’t…”- “I’ll slap you,”- she yelled. “I swear I’ll slap you, stop chickening out and go pick up that damn phone already!”- she was so mad I actually got scared for real. I got up slowly and took the phone in my hands while Marley was laying down looking at me like a judge looks at the candidates. I was feeling so thirsty, my throat was killing me. After some other seconds of whether answer or not, I had no other choice but to touch the green button.- “Hi,”- I said and Marley was all ears. She was seriously making me even more nervous.- “Hey there,”- I heard him say and I swear I wasn’t thirsty anymore. Great, Daniel’s voice could be my water from now on. Just great. I took some deep breaths waiting for him to continue but he wasn’t saying anything. - “So,”- I continued while Marley was rolling her judgy little eyes.

- “So, are you ready?”- he asked and I felt this relief all over because for a moment I thought that something might have happened and all this drama would serve me for nothing. I mean, I even made my hair for him!- “I guess I am,”- I answered. “What about you?”- “No I’m not, not like I’m going to get ready for you!”- I could literally see his face full of sarcasm.- “To be honest, I’m used to seeing you looking, I don’t know how to say it and not be rude about it, but no like you ever looked all that good,”- Marley was freaking out probably scared I was ruining everything. She just didn’t know that this was our way of flirting.- “Oh, yeah, sure,”- he said. “That’s why you lose your control every time I get near you.”- “Keep thinking that,”- I was blushing so bad and Marley was hitting her head with my pillow telling me how disappointed she was with those words.- “I don’t really want to have this discussion right now, I’ll see if I’m right when you’re near me. For now, I’m just going to agree with whatever you say,”- he continued.- “Okay then,”- I turned around and saw that a miracle was happening! The rain was about to stop, I could see only a few drops on the window. The sky looked clearer, also!- “See you at 7 then?”- he asked and I was so happy I couldn’t even answer correctly.- “Yeah, see you there, at 7, of course,”- I was stuttering. “Bye!”- I hanged up and went smiling and singing around the room like a retard. Marley was looking at me and she hit her head once again with my pillow. I didn’t care, I laughed and went to hug her with force while she was screaming for me to let her go. I would never let her go, I was in such a good mood, I was happy, I was excited, I was dying, I was happy!

II

08/08/2014

Dear Diary,

The way Daniel smoked his cigarette. The way he closed his eyes and stopped for a moment, tasting it, feeling it. The way the smoke got out of his mouth, slowly, like it wanted to stay there for an eternity. The way he was looking at me in those moments, I was melting inside. It was getting harder and harder day after day to hide how much I was into him. In one side I had this powerful desire to make love to him and in the other side, I just wanted to hug him forever and for him to take care of me. And when these sides collided, I felt the skies inside my overwhelmed heart. We were sat down on a bench and it was almost sunset. A fresh wind was giving me shivers, and I could see that he was cold too. The summer was almost ending and this, this was the best summer I have lived in my entire life.

I found him. Now I know that I was right all along. That I was right when I kept dreaming about someone coming and healing all my wounds. I knew he would come, I knew he would come and fade away all the pain I was living with, all my teen years. He kissed me and he saved me. He kissed away all the bad stuff, he filled me with these happiness pieces that are flowing together with my blood in these moments. He is with me. I found him. Daniel came closer and covered me with his arms. I loved when he did that. I felt like home. The sun was saying goodbye, we could see it right after the woods in front of us. I raised my head and gave him a little kiss in his beard. He looked at me and I smiled. I cuddled his short hair and rested my head in his arms again. - “How things have changed,”- I whispered as Daniel grabbed a little blanket he had in his bag and covered me with it. - “I know,”- he said. “I’m so happy I decided to camp in that night. I’m so happy that…”- “You’re happy that I almost died, right?”- I was smiling and I heard his heart jump a little. - “To be honest…”- he winked and I swear, I swear I will never get used to it. I will never get used to him because no matter how much time I spend with him, everything he does, it feels just like the first time. Every kiss, every touch… they’re just as powerful.- “Daniel,”- I hit him with my elbow. He jiggled and grabbed my hands. Without having time to say anything else I felt his lips on mine and I saw shooting stars all around us. He put my hands on his neck and grabbed the whole me. I threw myself at him and this time it was more intense than ever. I already knew where this was going to end and I couldn’t stop it. I grabbed his hair, pulled it a bit and licked his upper lip a bit. It drove him crazy. I felt a bite on my neck and I gasped from pleasure. The tension was rising. I went down and touched him and then immediately took my hand off. The kisses were getting deeper. His hands went under my shirt and I responded the same way. - “Say it,”- he looked at me and then kissed me again. I was shaking and I couldn’t control myself for much longer. He went and unzipped my pants. With his hands down there, I pulled my tongue out of his mouth and went to his ear. - “Make me yours,”- I licked him there and then went doing the same with his neck. He took a deep breath and grabbed the whole me. He was taking me to the tent. My whole body was burning. I wanted him to be mine in that exact moment. I wanted him to…

Daniel is a mystery. The more we hang out, the more I find out that I don’t actually know him. He doesn’t let out much. I don’t really know what he feels when we’re together. He is somehow scared of expressing himself in front of me and I don’t understand why. We’re so close but yet so far apart. I tell him everything, the most random stuff just so we don’t run

out of things to talk about. Because that happens easily when he decides to stay closed like I was going to judge him or anything. I must prove him that I would never do that. But how? Maybe it’s easier for him to just sit there and laugh at me never shutting up. Because when I’m with him, I just can’t stop talking. He makes me feel comfortable without actually doing anything. Maybe because all of my terrible secrets are normal to him. He never gets surprised by anything and that kind of confuses me.

I could hear the steps coming closer. My whole body was shaking in a way that I was losing control of my hands. I had no other choice but to stay hidden with the hope he wouldn’t hear my breathing. I was trying not to burst crying. I was scared. I was so scared. His face, the way he grabbed me and gave me that look like a lion gives to his prey, his deep dark eyes. I tried to swallow the fear away but it wasn’t working. He was looking around the cars for me. I had to move otherwise he was going to find me and… I looked down and thought of the only reason it was worth to get up and escape from there. I thought of the one that came and changed my whole life with a simple smile. Yeah, with a smile and with a hug too. I needed to have those two things for more, more than a few days. I found peace. I swear I did find it in the moment I thought of that. I had found my salvation and I wasn’t going to let anything happen now that I had found it. I looked around in need of something to protect myself with but there was nothing there. I started moving with my body down. The parking exit was not that far away. I could make it if I was careful enough. My mouth was still bleeding. And yeah, it wasn’t going to stop easily, perks of having diabetes. It was so dark, I could barely see where I was stepping. The only place some light showed up was from the entrance. I stood up and started running with all the force I had left but I was so dizzy, it wouldn’t take long for me to pass out. The lights of a car in the right got on and I was numb because I knew he saw me. I screamed for help and continued running until I felt a burning pain in my stomach and I saw his terrifying smile in front of me. I looked down and saw him taking his knife out of me. Everything was getting blurry. I was struggling to breathe but the air was running away from my lungs. I tried to scream again. I was feeling my body abandoning me. There was blood flowing all over my body. I looked at his pale face and I saw how much he was enjoying this.He smiled and got his mouth closer to my ear and then he whispered: “you’re mine now…”