Desing Your Life

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Designing Your Life (IAP-Spring 2009) Lauren Zander and Gabriella Jordan

Lecture/Discussion 1: Promises and Consequences, Areas of Life

Principle: Promises and Consequences

Pick an area that you have had difficulties designing, and that you would like to focus on.Got it? Now were going to take action to get you to your dream life in that area.

Promises

We have dreams about where we want to go. To make those dreams a reality, we need totake action. In this class, we code that action in the form of weekly promises to ourselves.For example, I want to lose weight. Therefore, this week I promise myself that I will go tothe gym three times.

Articulating and accomplishing your promises is a way to build up your personal integrity.The muscle of doing what you say you will do takes strengthening and practice. There is nomagic pill you can take and all of a sudden be better. It just takes time and effort and

dedication to getting stronger. For example, Its like learning to run a marathon: set up atraining schedule, practice, dont give up even if youre tempted to stay on the couch,condition your body to the feeling of running. After several weeks, you notice that yourenow able to run farther than before. It takes effort, and youre never going to have to stoptrying.

Promises should be realistic: something you believe can happen

Example: growing a monkey tail vs. losing 10 pounds.

Promises should take on big stuff that you wouldnt routinely attempt. They should be partof a bigger plan for where you want to go in your life. Finally, promises build on each other.

Making promises is a process of refinement as you learn what works for you. Be as specificas possible in your promises: duration, how hard, etc. Pay careful attention to use activelanguage I will vs. I wish, I hope. The latter sets you up for failure. You will inevitablyfind loopholes, and it is your job to make a call as to your intention when you made thepromise; what you said vs. what you meant. This should be easy to tell, because you canfeeeel it. Then tighten up the promise in the coming week so it is no longer ambiguous.

For example, you say you will run three times this week. You gobackpacking for a weekend. Does that count?

Get to know yourself, where you are going to cheat, and put in restrictions.

For example, you say I will call my brother this weekend and you call himat a time when you know he wont be around.

Foresee and manage external dependencies, such as depending on someone else to execute

your promise. Keep promises challenging and interesting; once youve mastered one, moveon to another.

Dont judge yourself based on these promises. We are human and so dont want to keep ourpromises to ourselves when they are inconvenient or uncomfortable or when we simplywant to do something else. This is a game that you can play, and by winning you get a bigpot of gold: integrity and the life you want!


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Consequences

A consequence is something you pay when you dont keep your promise. The goal ofconsequences is to improve the rate at which you keep your promises, to make you morelikely to follow through. Consequences also give you a chance to restore integrity.Consequences are NOT punishments, but rather a chance for you to clean things up.

You dont necessarily need consequences. You can give yourself rewards for keepingpromises, or have no consequence at all. But if you dont keep those promises, you shouldswitch to consequences. At the end of the day, weve found that consequences are the mosteffective motivator.

Examples of consequences include:

throwing money on the street wearing bunny ears in public giving up desserts/wine/chocolate taking on more chores at home.

Each week, ask yourself how you did. What thoughts and feelings came up? What form did

your temptations take? What promises and consequences worked for you, and which didnt?Are you getting closer to your goals, and are they the right goals for you. What does it feellike to be in integrity?

A few tips: An hour never equals 60 minutes, only about 40 minutes with 20 minutes for being

human, maybe 10. Negotiate with yourself. Dont plan your whole life, allow time forreorganization if something blows up

Sometimes you do the very thing you are trying not to do. So focus on what youwant to do, not what you dont want to do.

You are really in charge, so do not set yourself up to choke by making the promisesvery hard.

What are you trying to create? What are you going to do? Its your opportunity to show thatyou are serious, but play with it. Have fun and laugh! You have to have the fight, do thebattle, but enjoy the process. This is Designing YOUR Life. This is designing your laws, itsyour privilege to start your own rules and change them if they suck. There is a consequenceto everything. You are playing the sport of being alive.

Dealing with the inner voiceSometimes you will find negative chatter in your head that tries to talk you out of keeping apromise. To deal with that chatter, you shouldpurge it: write down everything that thechatter is saying. Give us everything. Exposed to the light of day on paper, it should lookgross. Ewww, did I really think that? Next, invent a new inner voice that catches thenegative chatter. And hold onto this voice and listen to it.

Class Participation

Participant 1: This seemed so easy at IAP, but its hard to have the discipline to kick mybutt when I havent for so long. For example, I dont go to the gym. I made theconsequence that I had to clean my office. I did it. But man, it takes a lot of effort.

Lauren: This is why we have the continuing class. This takes hammering. We need to getyou addicted to integrity.

Designing Your Life (IAP-Summer 2009) Lecture/Discussion 1 Lauren Zander and Gabriella Jordan Page 2 of 3


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Participant 2: I told my gym buddy that I would give her $50 if I didnt go to the gym withher. She was very supportive, and called me to make sure Id go. And I went. The $50makes the voice in my head go away.

Lauren: We conjure up a poor me story that makes it seem impossible to do something.

But we really are capable. Its just the voice.

Participant 3: I signed up for an exercise class, and then started beating myself up for doingit. Im not going to be here in March, its a waste of money. But I realized it was the voice,and stopped it.

Lauren: Youre going to find out that you are not that complicated. It is always the samethree. We are in the business of finding those three.

Participant 4: I am writing a letter to my father. I still dont want him in my life, but I am atleast going to tell him my truth.

Lauren: Good job getting that moving.

Participant 5: I feel like Im in chaos. Sometimes I feel like I dont have control.

Lauren: There are many things in your life that you have 100% dominion over. You arerelinquishing your power.

Participant 6: Its so hard to get up early in the morning. I just need more sleep.

Lauren: Thats a theory. Put a consequence in that for each 1 minute late you get up, youwill get 10 minutes less sleep the next night.

Homework

1. Design a set of promises and consequences for three of your 18 areas of life. Thesepromises should get you closer to your dream in each area. Email us the promisesand consequences by tomorrow night, and send us the results of the weekspromises and promises for the coming week to us by Sunday. Report on whether youkept or did not keep your promises. Suggested format:

a. Describe the promise

b. Write for each promise KEPT or NOT KEPT

c. Describe the consequence

d. Write if you paid the consequence or not. IF no, by when will you pay it?

e. What are your stats on keeping the promise (e.g. I kept 5/7 days).

f. What did you notice about yourself? Where did you stop yourself? Where wereyou a chicken or brat, and where were you great? You can include this for anypromise, but ALWAYS do this for every promise that was NOT KEPT.



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Designing Your Life (IAP-Spring 2009) Lauren Zander and Gabriella Jordan Lecture/Discussion 2: Theories

New rule: no being late. $1 for every minute you are late to class, or $1 for each day your

homework is late. This helps you build the muscle of your integrity.

Principle: Theories

Theories are ideas about the way the world works. For example:

o If you are nice to someone, they will be nice back to you.o Sex dies after marriage.o If I dont lose a few pounds, no one will find me attractive.

There is no absolute truth in our theories, only conjecture. Our theories are usuallyunconscious, and we dont realize we have them. We see the world through our theory, andit colors everything we see. Everything we do, everything we see as possible or impossible,

justified or not justified, comes from our theories. Theories come from your life experiences,your parents, your family, your friends, and the culture in which you live.

Theories can live a long time, even when counter-evidence for the theory presents itself.This is because we are continually gathering evidence to reinforce our theories. We focus onexamples that support our theory, and interpret events that happen to us in such a waythat they support the theory. For example, you may have the theory that there are nogood single men at MIT. Unbeknownst to you, you then look for flaws in every man youmeet. And you will be right! With this theory, you will find only flawed men.

Additionally, by believing in a theory, we make it real, because our thoughts really doinfluence reality. For example, say that you have a theory that your coworker Joe doesntlike you. You notice every time he doesnt say good morning to you. Or every time hedoesnt invite you to a meeting or outing. Each one of these events reinforces your theory.You get angry with Joe, and you treathim like he doesnt like you. Pretty soon, regardlessof if he really did like you or not, hes not going to like you.

Theories can be detrimental when you form them without regard to your dreams. Sometheories are aligned with your dreams (positive theories), and some are not (negativetheories).

Example of positive theory: I am invincible.

Example of negative theory: No one cares what I have to say.

Theories can be especially damaging in a relationship. We make a mental model of howsomeone is, and interact with that model instead of with the person himself. It is far simplerto interact with the model than the actual complicated person.

One of the secrets to changing your life is to find negative theories and reauthor them.Remember that there is no absolute truth in theories, so you can pick the theory that youwant to be your truth. We all are in the business of proving our theories, so pick the oneyou want to prove, and live your life as proof that that theory is valid. For example, provethe theory that sex gets hotter the longer you are married to someone.

To elicit change in your life, you:


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1. Find the negative theories. You prove what you believe. If you dont have thecareer of your dreams, you dont believe you can have the career of yourdreams.

Example: I cant figure out what I really want to do is a theory. If you hold onto it, you will never find what you really want to do.

Example:I am afraid of elevators is a theory. To fix this, you have to admitthat you made this theory. You need to come to terms with the fact that youmight have been deliberately crazy your whole life. So many of us just keep thetheory.

2. Create new theories. This is a fun game. Play. The reason we dont want to makenew theories is that things will change. And we dont want to change. Thinkabout how much fun it would be to make your own rules.

Example: If I need an answer to a question, I write it down and put it by mypillow, and Ill have the answer the next day. And guess what? Its alwaysworked.

Example: If I catch a negative thought, it will help my career.

Example: The DMV is no fun is a theory. The bulk of our lives is spent doingthings like going to the DMV. How do you want to relate to it? You really couldenjoy cleaning the bathroom.

3. Prove the new theory by gathering data.4. Make good weekly promises to implement your new theory (see next lecture).

The truth is, we are often reluctant to change our theories, because they are comfortable,and a new theory might mean that we then have to do something that scares us or that wedont want to do it. Its so much easier to not figure it out, and keep the old, safe theory.

Class participation

Examples of theories you have

Participant 1: My husband doesnt care. I keep it because I dont want to admit my role inour relationship, and be guilty for how things are. I dont want to have to fess up myickiness.

Participant 2: My ex-advisor was horrible. Now that I am in someone elses lab, we have agreat relationship. I am realizing that I might have had a role. But I DID tell him how I felt,and he just didnt get it. So I left.

Lauren: This seems suspicious. It sounds like you are having a relationship with him in yourhead. But you didnt resolve it. You told him X, he heard Y, and then you walked away. We

repeat this stuff until we learn what we need to learn. In this case, you need to learn how tocommunicate with authority figures. Fix it now, and youll avoid problems in the future.

Example from the homework: This participant had all of the answers in his homework, butworded his answers in such a way that he didnt need to own them. I worry that I donthave enough time, and I waste time on junk websites. My parents dont really have issueswith time, but my father would flop on the couch and watch mindless TV after work, and mymom was stressed about her schedule. Huh? He sounds exactly like them. But hes notowning them.



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Lauren: We could really prove any theory we want. But that means we would have to giveup things that we like but arent good for us. You have a theory Cupcakes are better thanapples. But that is really a theory. There is nothing inherently true about that. You couldalso believe Apples are better than cupcakes.

Participant 3: I am doing well with food, but sometimes I have lapses. I dont have 100%control over my food.

Lauren: Can you hear that theory? I dont have 100% control over my food. What aconvenient theory for allowing those lapses you want. You will feel better when you stophaving lapses. Write a theory without lapses (note: we also argue in support of theories thatdemonstrate our powerlessness).

Lauren: When relationships change, odds are because you are now doing somethingdifferently. You stopped communicating. You stopped calling every day. Many of us have atheory After 3 years of marriage, things start to go downhill and so of course ourmarriage problems arent your problem if you have that theory.

Participant 4: I want to run a marathon, but I have theories that it will kill my knees, myAchilles tendon is weak, and my shin splints will come back.

Lauren: You are betting against yourself. You need to decide between I will run amarathon and My body wont let me run a marathon. If you stay somewhere in between,you will mess up your body. You will go for the marathon, but your body wont let you.

Participant 5: I want to be more organized in my physical universe. But its hard. I am lostin the fog. I am lazy.

Lauren: You are the fog. And you have a theory that you are lazy. You can prove any theoryyou want. You are not fixed lazy. That is not a truth. You are just in the business of proving

that you are lazy.

Homework

1. Continue making and keeping promises, reporting in every Sunday. Report onwhether you kept or did not keep your promises. Suggested format:






f. What did you notice about yourself? Where did you stop yourself? Where wereyou a chicken or brat, and where were you great? You can include this for anypromise, but ALWAYS do this for every promise that was NOT KEPT.

2. Beat the Mind Game. Play a sport with yourself. Pick one area of life, and take oneaction that rocks your world in that area. This action should directly challenge one ofyour theories. For example:



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a. If you have the theory that its hard to eat healthily, plan a day of perfecteating.

b. If you have the theory that people dont care about strangers, go to a parkand ask people for help.

c. If you have a theory that you friends dont want to hear your truth, design abeautiful conversation with them in which you share your truth.

3. Watch your thoughts as you do this inspired action. Look at your thoughts before,during, and after the action. Show yourself that you can prove a differenttheory.Come back and share the results with us.



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Lecture/Discussion 3: Theories, Purges, and Thought Logs

Principle: Purge

A purge is a dump of whatever is in your brain about a certain subject. It is not a final letterto be sent to someone, it is a look at what the chicken and the brat are squawking at you.

As long as your keep their reasoning in your head, it can never be seen for what it is: faultylogic that has a lot of flaws. Put it out in daylight where it can be seen for what it is. While

you keep it inside, it will own you.

You should do a purge any time you are stopped in anything. Cleaning up a haunting,

keeping a promise, writing a letter, etc.

Principle: Authoring Our thoughts

There is a theory, loosely borrowed from Dr. David Hawkins, with which we disagree. Werefer to it only to demonstrate our position. The theory goes as follows: we each vibrate at

a certain energy level. Ghandi vibrated at a certain level, and you vibrate at your own level.

And try as you might you can only move up or down a tiny bit, say, 2%. You are stuck.Now, we think you can move, but it takes a profound paradigm shift in what is going on in

your head, and how you structure your life and your consciousness. You need to interveneand redesign that whole construct.

The first step to this restructuring is to see what you spend your time thinking. Our

thoughts lead to actions, which lead to feelings, which lead back to thoughts.

So one way to intervene in this cycle is to design where you want to direct your thoughts.But first you need to understand where you are currentlydirecting your thoughts.

We spend an enormous amount of time thinking the same types of thoughts over and overand over again. You will be shocked by the narrow range of thought patterns going on in

your head. These thought patterns can tell you volumes about your personality traits,theories, priorities, and where you are directing large amounts of your energy. Oftentimes,

when you feel stuck in an area of your life, it is because your traits, theories, priorities, oruses of energy do not align with your dreams. Thus, by recording your thoughts, you can

learn more about the factors that keep you trapped in the same old patterns, vibrating up

or down at that 2%. And you can redesign new factors to bring about a new internalstructure, at a whole new energy level.


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A thought log is also a way to go hunting for theories; by examining your thoughts, you can

see what theories you believe and prove, day after day. Our thoughts are a reflection of our

theories, because theories are the lens through which we view and process the world. Butthere is no objective truth about any theory, so if one theory isnt serving you well, you

could pick a new theory, called re-authoring, and set about proving that. That new, bettertheory is just as true as the old one.

Class Participation

Participant 1: I have noticed a theme in my thoughts that I need to attend to other peoplesthoughts before we can attend to mine. And then when I talk about things I am going

through, it is uncomfortable for the other person. They find an excuse to leave. They thinkIm crazy.

Gaby: It sounds like you have a theory that people wont be able to relate to you. Beforeyouve opened your mouth, you have already decided how they are going to relate to you.

So if the other person really says Id love to help, lets schedule another time, I have to go

now, you only hear I have to go now. To solve this, you want to reauthor the theory.How about people are happy to help me, I just need to ask.

Participant 2: I am battling with the idea of truth. The premise of theories is that you make

your own truth. But I think there is an objective truth out there. God knows if I am a goodperson or not, no matter what I say about it.

Gaby: Its all about your dream, and where you want to go, and how theories can help you

get there. You have an intention, a dream, of being a good person. So you walking aroundsaying I am a good person furthers that dream, because believing that you are a good

person will cause you to act like a good person. Beliefs fuel action. Choose theories that will

further your dreams.

Participant 2: I try to be a good person, and then if I am, I will be judged to be. Not vice-versa.

Gaby: Yes, but in the meantime, how are you going to be living your life? You need to have

a conversation with yourself about what you are aiming for, what it means to be a good

person. And then believing that you can be that person means having a theory that I am agood person.

Participant 3: I think this is all too philosophical. Yes, there are some objective truths out

there. I have a son. People die. Obama is the President. Its hard to dispute that. But thereare so many things in your life that are less objective than that. Joe doesnt like me. Jill is

irrational. I get stressed out before calling someone on a phone.

Gaby: So what new theories are you going to prove?

Participant 3: I will turn all suffering into wisdom.

Gaby: And how will you do this? By turning anything bad that happens into an opportunity.

Adopting the theory that if that didnt work out, then it must not have been the thing to getme where I want to be. You are always looking for the next opening. What new theories

are people going to prove?



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Participant 4: I have a theory that people are inconvenienced to talk to me.

Gaby: So how about a new theory of people like to talk to me. I am going to try to push

you to the point where you are mildly uncomfortable.

Participant 4: But I am so bogged down with fixing the wounds of the past. I dont havetime to focus on the present right now.

Gaby: How about a new theory resolving the incidents from the past doesnt take a longtime? It doesnt have to be so heavy. And you dont have to wait to have everything in the

past resolved before you can move forward. In fact, as you are inventing new theories inthe present, you start to see the past differently. There is no beginning and end to this

relationship between past, present, and future.

Participant 4: But if I assume that people like to talk to me, isnt that arrogant? I dont want

to be arrogant.

Participant 5: My father had that theory. That if you believe you have a good quality, its

arrogant.

Gaby: There is a difference between arrogance and appreciating yourself. Consider that

embracing the good qualities of a human fulfills on the underlying mission of the Catholic

Church [relevant for this participant. For others, your particular spiritual practice applies toyou instead]. So then the theory is that you are being of service to the Church by

appreciating good human qualities.

Participant 5: I think my scheduling problems come from me being inefficient.

Gaby: So my new theory would be I am efficient. And then you make promises that are

consistent with your new theory. And live them. So I want everyone to prove a new theory

that inspires them, and excites them. Dont suffer with it.

Homework





d. Write if you paid the consequence or not. IF no, by when will you pay it?e. What are your stats on keeping the promise (e.g. I kept 5/7 days).

f. What did you notice about yourself? Where did you stop yourself? Where were

you a chicken or brat, and where were you great? You can include this for anypromise, but ALWAYS do this for every promise that was NOT KEPT.

2. Thought logs. Three times per day, stop and write down the thoughts you werehaving over the past hour or two. Its a good idea to set a timer, such as on your cell



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phone, to remind you when its time to record your thoughts. Write down as many

thoughts as you can remember, but make it light and quick. Give yourself a time

limit, such as 5 minutes, and challenge yourself to write as many thoughts in thattime as possible. Dont edit your thoughts; just literally dump whatever is in your

brain on the page. Do this for 2 weeks. Some of your thoughts are embarrassing,and you wont want to share them with us. But the things you hide own you, and

become truth. So the key is to have a sense of humor about it. Isnt this cute/funnythat I keep thinking this thought? Ha!



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Designing Your Life (IAP-Spring 2009)Lauren Zander and Gabriella JordanLecture/Discussion 4: Excuses

Principle: Excuses

Excuses are lines you feed yourself to feel better about not keeping your promises toyourself or others. They are what keep you where you are instead of at a 9/10.

Example: You are overweight. You justify this with the excuses that Im too busyto fit exercise into my schedule or The gym is always too crowded or Imfeeling a bit under the weather today.

When you have a reason why you cant do something you say you are committed to,typically it is an excuse. What we do is really a choice.

Test: You say that you want to do X, and cant because of Y and Z. If I give you 1million dollars, would you do X? If yes, then you were probably using an excuse.

Why do we use excuses?

They get you off the hook. Excuses take the blame off of your shoulders for why you didntdo what you said you would. Excuses shield you from the truth.

Integrity Equation

We live our lives according to the following equations:

[I said Id do X] + [I actually did X] = Im a good person

[I said Id do X] + [I actually did Y] = Im a bad person

[I said Id do X] + [I actually did Y] + [make an excuse or feel bad] = Im stilla good person. You are not in integrity, as you were in the first equation, butyou feel off the hook because you either feel bad or have an excuse.

Rarely do we admit to having followed the second equation. Instead, we follow the thirdequation by adding in something to make things right. This way, we can be off the hookfor what we did, and for acting without integrity. To find places where you are out ofintegrity, then, look for excuses and feeling bad.

We dont want to do X because of perceived discomfort. If our reluctance comes fromperception of the unknown, the what if: fear. If our reluctance comes from knowndiscomfort: avoidance. We have two voices in our head that correspond to these tworeluctances: the chicken is the voice of fear, while the brat is the voice of aversion. Thechicken and the brat feed us excuses.

We claim that we wished things were XYZ. But we really dont. We are invested in believingthat we want things to be different, because that makes us a good person. Striving for the

forces of good against the forces of evil. But really, we are invested in things staying thesame. We dont want change. We would rather believe excuses and hide behind theminstead of actually changing. Because if we really wanted to change, we would. Have youever had something that you really wanted and just made happen, come hell or high water.Are you really bringing that intention to everything in your life?


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Excuses are a distraction. Instead of creating how you want things to be, you are spendingyour time justifying how they are. The sick thing about excuses is when we start to believethem; then we have made ourselves powerless to change.

Example: I was late for the meeting because its hard for me to get up in the

morning. You believe it, and so that makes it even harder to get up out of bedthe next time.

Sometimes we got hurt doing something, and so we generate a set of excuses and theoriesthat keeps us safe from here on out. We dont even enjoy being the brat. Its not even fun.This is ridiculous

Class Participation

Participant #1: I said Id go the gym, but then a friend called me to go out to dinner. Ifigured that I had had a hard week, so I should go.Lauren: I could have gone before the dinner, made the dinner later, etc.

Participant #2: I said I wouldnt overeat on the cruise I went on last week, and I didnt. Ifelt bad after every single dinner. My brat was saying that my dad paid so much money thatI should get our moneys worth of food, my sister was eating all she wantedLauren: First off, these are YOUR promises. You choose them. If youre on the cruise andrealize that you want to eat the food, then you can change your promise. Design. Second,when you realize that a promise didnt work one day, then to keep on with the samepromise and expecting things to be different is crazy. You need to tweek or redesign thepromise. Third, you should tell your parents about your promise, and then they can supportyou. People typically dont keep promises made in a vaccum.

Participant #3: I said Id buy a vaccum cleaner, but I spent 4 hours researching it. This isoverwhelming. How can I deal with this?Lauren: You need to design how much time you are spending. Decide how much time you

WANT to spend researching something, and then give yourself a consequence of $1 perminute over. You have a wacky relationship with what you need to put into a purchase.Design it. It doesnt have to be perfect.

Participant #4: I set get-out-of-bed times for myself during the week, but on the weekend Ididnt make a promise. I set my alarm clock for 7:15, because thats when I wanted to getup. But then in the morning, I snoozed until 2.Lauren: That is crazy. You voted hundreds of times to sleep in. Design and execute. Eitherdecide to get up at 2, or design to get up at 7:15. Honor what you want.

Homework


a. Describe the promiseb. Write for each promise KEPT or NOT KEPTc. Describe the consequenced. Write if you paid the consequence or not. IF no, by when will you pay it?

Designing Your Life (IAP-Summer 2009) Lecture/Discussion 4Lauren Zander and Gabriella Jordan Page 2 of 3


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e. What are your stats on keeping the promise (e.g. I kept 5/7 days).f. What did you notice about yourself? Where did you stop yourself? Where were

you a chicken or brat, and where were you great? You can include this for anypromise, but ALWAYS do this for every promise that was NOT KEPT.

2. Go back to your 18 areas of life, and for the ones that were below an 8:

1. Find the excuses in there. For each one,a. Explain why it is an excuseb. identify the chicken or the brat. What are you using that excuse for? Why

keep it around?

c. Describe what being in integrity would mean to you in that part of yourlife.


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Designing Your Life (IAP-Spring 2009)

Lauren Zander and Gabriella JordanLecture/Discussion 5: Parent Traits

Principle: Parent Traits

We have a version of each and every one of our parent traits. We designed ourselves basedon them. This is not to say that you should blame your parents. Its not their fault. But by

looking at your parents, you can own your own traits and then get them on a leash. It isimportant that you have sense of humor about the traits. Love them. Accept them. You are

not bad for having them. There are positive and negatives associated with each trait. Its

funny.

For example, Laurens father Joel was judgmental. He was always right, and, according toJoel, no one else thought things through. He would raise and eyebrow with a look that said

you are an idiot for thinking that this will end well, but I am your father so I wont say

anything. Laurens version was to be judgmental about environmental issues. She was

angry and arrogant toward people who wore leather, ate meat, and didnt recycle. She wasmad all of the time and unhappy.

As another example, Laurens mother was vain. Her #1 priority was to look nice all the timeno matter what. Laurens version was to say, screw this and wear cruddy clothes, not

shave, dont take care of her body, etc. But she wasnt happy. Because she wasnt able todesign. It was either be like her mom, or struggle as hard as she could to be the opposite.

These traits drive us. They are like little beings in your head that have their agendas. Theyeach try to have their way. You need to be the dog walker. Aware of the dogs, where they

want to go, and how much leash you want to give them.

Again, humor is important. You need to entertain yourself. This is funny and beautiful, and

boy arent we a work of art. If you beat yourself up about it, you wont be able to release it.

Each trait has good behind it. For example, arrogance can be used for the forces of good.

Class Participation

Participant 1: I found out that my mother is a superhero for everyone elses needs but her

own. I will drop anything for anyone at any time.

Participant 2: My grandfather, father and I are all about brute force. Why go to thehardware store to get the right tool, when you have a hammer right here? But I realized

this and swung to the other extreme. I analyze choices of tools to an extreme, and musthave the perfect tool before I begin anything. I need to find a balance.

Participant 3: My mother had the hamster on the wheel, where as deadline approaches,

she runs faster and faster and assumes that people should accommodate her needs andmove faster as well.

Participant 4: My parents dont notice other peoples emotions. My dad is oblivious, and my

mom doesnt care. I have a bit of both.


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Participant 5: The trait: no one is good enough for my son. My dad checks out the

credentials of the women who date his sons. My mom checks out their family background.

In me, I look for the flaws in the people I meet.

Participant 6: The trait is that I avoid competition, because my father was overly-ambitious.And yet I went to good schools and did well, but I always downplayed it.

Lauren: So you mean that you really are ambitious but are closeted about it. So this isreally a good trait, right? Something here is fishy. Something here is tangled.

Participant 6: I would lie about the schools I went to because when people hear Harvardor Oxford they treat me funny, so I hide it. I said I went to Radcliffe, since people dont

know that school as well. Then I said I was doing graduate work in Cambridge, instead of

saying Oxford.

Lauren: This is a wacky theory you have. Handed down from your parents. I dont want toseem like I tried hard, but I did. If you really want to go to Harvard, own what comes with

Harvard. Otherwise, dont go to Harvard. You have a wacky relationship to achievement.Harvard is not allowed to be excellent, I am not allowed to be excellent. Dont worry, you

dont get to experience any of it, because you deny excellence. Heres an extra homework

assignment: write up your relationship to achievement and ambition. Why is it disgusting?

You are going after your father because he was ambitious, but that is a good trait. There isa different trait that is bothering you that is not ambition.

Key point: There are seven traits that you have included in ambition. And so you areblaming ambition for what bothered you about your dad. But really it was his coldness, or

his distance, or his ruthlessness. So you avoid ambition like the plague.

Homework


a. Describe the promiseb. Write for each promise KEPT or NOT KEPTc. Describe the consequenced. Write if you paid the consequence or not. IF no, by when will you pay it?e. What are your stats on keeping the promise (e.g. I kept 5/7 days).f. What did you notice about yourself? Where did you stop yourself? Where were

you a chicken or brat, and where were you great? You can include this for any

promise, but ALWAYS do this for every promise that was NOT KEPT.

2. Week 1Identify one trait you want to take down, such as Judgmentala. which parent does it come from?b. describe their version of it.c. Identify 2 different styles of the trait in you, ways that it manifests/shows up.

For example,

i. I am judgmental when I watch and say nothingii. I am judgmental when I do say something

3. Week 2Catch the trait and have some insights about it (getting thecharacter/personality understood) [NOTE RULEDO NOT FEEL BAD ABOUT ITget

a sense of humor about it, have fun, laugh at it, love it.]


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Participant 1: I am haunted that when I was 13, I predicted that this one girl would be the

first of our friends to get pregnant. Someone told her, and she got mad. But lo and behold,

she was the first.

Lauren: So then you need to clear this up with the friend who told, and the girl who gotpregnant.

Participant 1: But I cant tell her that. Her life is so complicated, shes married now, I dontwant to rock the boat (and a bunch of other excuses).

Lauren: See the fear. Underlying this story is a pattern about you. This haunting is part of alarger picture about you. Go back and have the conversations with people, and things will

starting to shift. What we are pushing up against is a pattern of you. You will start to see

what this pattern is. This is not a big deal. Its a cute little kid story. What are you so afraidof? There is something that you have hidden that becomes reality. It has become a theory.

The point of going after the hauntings is to find your bad theories. Your life lesson is to

solve the bad theories and become the hero in your life.

Lauren: We could psychoanalyze you and find out why you feel the way you do. But action

(in the form of a confession) is really a testable hypothesis. Confess, and see if things shift.

This is easy. Just do it. So this is a really great approach toward shifting your life: you dont

necessarily have to understand all the pieces, or go that deep, in order to effect realchange.

Homework


a. Describe the promiseb. Write for each promise KEPT or NOT KEPTc. Describe the consequenced. Write if you paid the consequence or not. IF no, by when will you pay it?e. What are your stats on keeping the promise (e.g. I kept 5/7 days).f. What did you notice about yourself? Where did you stop yourself? Where were

you a chicken or brat, and where were you great? You can include this for any


2. Write out the incidents from your life that haunt you. Include everything you haveever done that you dont want people to know about. Look for main, sharp incidentsand events that have shaped you. They are very specific memories; for example,

when I think of X, what immediately comes to mind is Y. Be sure to cover all the

important topics of your life (mother, father, family members, relationships, sex, job

incidents, money, career, break-ups, childhood dramas and fears). You can revisitthe 18 areas to jog your memory.Dig deep there should be at least 15 incidents

on your list. Each haunting should have at least a 3-sentence description, and itshould be clear to the reader what the incident was.

3. Week 1Identify another trait you want to take down, such as Judgmentala. Which parent does it come from?b. Describe their version of it.



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c. Identify 2 different styles of the trait in you, ways that it manifests/shows up.For example,

i. I am judgmental when I watch and say nothingii. I am judgmental when I do say something

4. Week 2Catch the trait and have some insights about it (getting thecharacter/personality understood) [NOTE RULEDO NOT FEEL BAD ABOUT ITget

a sense of humor about it, have fun, laugh at it, love it.]


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Lecture/Discussion 7: Cleaning Up Hauntings

Principle: Cleaning Up Hauntings

Once you have found a haunting, your job becomes to clean up the haunting. When you dothat, the whole thing falls apart: the theories, traits, and beliefs you have that center

around the haunting. You can move on. Its all a new game. It changes everything.

To clean up the hauntings, have a conversation with the people involved. Say your piece,

have them say their piece. Forgive and understand. Its all about feeling at peace. Confessthat you have a limited vantage point and dont know what he/she will say and that you

want to know their side. Apologize for what you have done; apologize for your traits atwork. Apologize for judging him/her all of these years, or for carrying a grudge against

him/her.

For example, Lauren cleaned up her haunting about her friend Sheryl, who she cut off

because Sheryl hooked up with Laurens ex-boyfriend. Lauren apologized that she didnthave a conversation with Sheryl about what happened, and that by cutting her off, Sheryl

lost all of her friends. The funny thing is that Sheryl didnt know why she was cut off. Shethought it was because she had lied about her age, and that Lauren wasnt ok with the lie.

Lauren feels so great and free and can now love her. Feels so good.

A note about cheating: Cheating is no good, of course, but often cheating is the naturaloutcome of a relationship getting bad. And that going-bad process is the fault of both

people. There are typically two criminals, not just the one who cheated.

Here are some reasons you may use to talk yourself out of having a clean-up conversation

with someone, and an argument as to why the reasons are invalid:

You may think that you dont want to hurt the other person, or get hurt yourself. Butthe truth is that people often assume the worst. Knowing is better. It feels liberating,

and it can bring a sense of intimacy and trust into a relationship. If someonewronged you, then own 1) why you brought it into your life, 2) that you have been

hexing them (I hope she suffers forever).

You may also think you know how people will react, and so use that as an excuse fornot actually having the conversation. But the truth is that we dont know how peoplewill react, and we should give them the chance to express themselves. It is actually

not fair to them to prevent them from expressing themselves.

Sometimes, you will confess to people and expect something from the other personin response. Ok, I told my truth. Now you should tell me yours! Or be my friend

again! But the truth is that we cant manage other peoples reactions afterall,weve been managing them all this time by NOT confessing. Being proud of who youare and willing to take the consequences of what youve done means that you accept

ANY response from the other person.

You may also reason with yourself that things are going so well with someone, thatyou dont want to destroy it by confessing right now. Why rock the boat? In reality,

things could be so much better if you told them. The confession that is haunting youis affecting your relationship. You cant be 100% yourself with them because you feel


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like you need to hide part of yourself. Odds are, if it bothers you that much, it

probably left a mark on them too.

Finally, you may reason that cleaning up the haunting is not your job, not yourbusiness. But in reality, if it is haunting you, then it IS your business. It is impactingyou. If not you, at least get the person whose job it is to confess.

Class Participation

Participant 1: I confessed to my godmother that I had been judging her about how she

raised her kids, and how she was unnecessarily stressed. My godmother had no idea, andwas so grateful. She explained everything that had been going on in her life at the time,

and it turns out I had no idea about all of it. I feels closer and great!

Participant 2: I know the people I want to work on, but I dont know what to say to them.

Lauren: For each person, make a list of everything that:1. You are keeping from them.2. Is unforgivable.3. Is a mystery. What happened there?4. Is none of my business, but I would like to know.5. Is a hidden judgment.6. You wish would change?

Participant 3: My dad passed away when I was a few months old. I always hear the good

things, but I never hear the bad. I asked my mom and grandma about his traits, and stillthey gave me no bad ones. Then I asked my sister and she told me that my dad would

disappear for days. And all of my life, my mom has gotten upset when I dont call every few

days, because shes worried that something has happened. I want to keep going back andmake it safe for her to say things to me. Key point: sometimes it takes time and effort to

build a relationship to a point where the other person feels comfortable and safe to talk.

Participant 4: I read my moms memoirs, and I realized that she didnt ask many thingsabout her crazy family history, or her husband cheating on her. She just accepted the

mystery and kept it at arms length. And now I see that my family is the same way. We justdont talk about certain things, and there are so many secrets.

Lauren: And you are exactly the same way. You wonder how could she have lived with thismystery? but you already know the answer to that, because you do it too. You are a

profound chicken. You think that talking about real life is bad. But its really good. Soconfess to your mom that you want to tell her a few things for you.

Participant 4: But I dont want to put her through that. Its selfish. I dont want to hurt her.

Lauren: But you have no idea. The woman has been through the war already. She is already

hurt. In fact, it will be good for her. She has been lying to you her whole life. Here is her

chance. You have no idea what she will say or feel. Two tips: 1) build an intimaterelationship with her first, and 2) make it all about you. I feel bad that I never said

Also, what is so bad about hurt? It is a real human emotion. It happens. Feel it. We try so

hard to avoid it, its crazy.



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Assignment: make a list of 10 things you want to ask your mom.

Participant 5: I am working through things with my ex-boyfriend. I miss him, and as I wrotemy haunting I realized that I was sad because I missed what we had. Now I dont believe

that I can really find what I am looking for. Its just a fairytale.

Lauren: You want the Cinderella story. We all do. Whats wrong with that? The problem isthat once we get our Prince Charming, we dont know how to care for the relationship. What

was your role in the demise of the relationship.

Participant 5: We were long-distance, and I let the relationship deteriorate. I should have

put more effort into it.

Participant 6: I brought up some things from the past with my brother, and he said geez,why wont you let go of the past?

Lauren: You cant expect him to know how to react, or to drive this. You want too muchfrom him. You need to do the work on your side to have everything figured out, and then

bring it to him. This is what I need from you. Make it really easy for him.

Homework







f. What did you notice about yourself? Where did you stop yourself? Where wereyou a chicken or brat, and where were you great? You can include this for any


2. Pick one haunting and analyze ita. Make a list of all the information you dont have about the hauting, such as I

dont know what he really thought about it, I am missing whole parts to

what happened, (when, who, what everyone really saidyou probably onlyremember segments).

b. What experience does this haunting represent? Being betrayed, being lied to?c. How could this have happened to you? Why werent you able to prevent it?d. What was your role in it? Remember that you probably werent as nave as

you claim you were.e. Are you scared of resolving and cleaning it up? Why? Make a list of why.f. If you were to clean up this haunting what would you say and ask, and to

whom?

g. What is the lesson, trait, theme, or pattern to be learned from this haunting?



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Lecture/Discussion 8: Connecting Hauntings, Traits, and Theories

Principle: The Big Picture. The Connection between Hauntings, Traits, and

Theories.

You have traits. The traits generate theories. Hauntings are evidence of your bad theories.So your hauntings all highlight your traits. And our bad theories are our lessons in life thatwe need to evolve. Past every bad theory is the lesson that you are meant to learn. Thinkabout it. What is the lesson? For example, Laurens lesson is that she needs to believe.

This is also why its hard to make new theories. Existing theories feel good for a reason. Wehave so much evidence. We need to clear up the evidence by seeing the truth in ourhauntings. How we distort it.

Furthermore, its not enough to just realize your role and your trait in each haunting. Youneed to clean up your hauntings. This is where therapy fails. All unresolved hauntings willkeep you in a purgatory. It is amazing how much energy you get back when you clean upeven one. Every haunting incident has a piece of your soul locked up. It is crazy how all ofthe feelings are still there. Its so wild.

Class Participation

Participant 1: I was supposed to confess to my dad that I was angry that he cheated on mymom. I didnt, because I was afraid that it was too volatile (chicken). But I did ask mymom, and she laughed and said that my dad wouldnt even claim to remember. I shouldhave asked her how it made her feel to be asked about it.

Lauren: Thats a good step.

Participant 1: I also was really upset that week because a friend of mine was diagnosed withLou Gherigs disease. I dont know how to help him, and Im scared.

Lauren: Tell him that. Its amazing how just saying the simple truth of how youre feelingwill shift everything. Like a man who was avoiding telling his mother he loved her. He hadthe conversation, and then everything shifted. He could talk to his kids about love.

Participant 2: I took on three confessions. And for each one, I learned this lesson: that itseems scary, some confessions more than others, but that once you do it, it is way betterthan you have imagined.

Lauren: There are two main results of telling a confession. 1) You feel better in the world. Atpeace, in love. 2) How you feel about you. Confidence, maturity, wisdom. Something in youthat is different. You feel more like you in your own body. Connection. Most of us are not onthe court, but we are up in the stands, analyzing, spinning, plotting. When you confess, itputs you on the court. In the game. You can see clearly that there are really only two voicesin your head: what you want in your life, and the fear that tries to talk you out of it.Everything is so much clearer.


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Participant 3: I confessed to my girlfriend that I want to be open to seeing other people.She thought about it, and said no, and so we broke up. And I dont miss her that much. Iam so glad that I opened this up.

Participant 3: I dont like my brothers wife. I am really close to my brother. So I confessedto my brother that I dont like her. But I havent told her yet.

Lauren: Here is an assignment for you: a purge. Make a list of everything that is botheringyou about her. It is not the truth. But every time you have something on someone, youneed to get it out. Otherwise, you will prove it. We are theorists like that. But why wouldyou want to prove that about her? Once your purge sees the light of day, we will start toknow who you really are. Who knows what is really going on there. Is it her accent? Are youattracted to her? Once you have the purge, go in and find theories in there. Parent traits?See what is really going on for her.

In fact, this is a good practice for everything: career decisions, family, relationships,whatever. Get to know what is really going on there. Dare yourself to get the uneditedversion down.

Participant 3: This is scary. I have said No to things. Now I dont have a girlfriend, I havehalf a job. But I dont know where Im going. Its taking a leap, not having a structure forwhats next.

Lauren: That is the best place to be. I could wish nothing more for anyone.

Participant 4: I am working on my complaints about my husband. I made a list of thingsthat I was holding against him. He knows about all of the items on the list, but in the past Ihave approached it from a stance of here is why you are wrong as opposed to letsexplore it together.

Lauren: You need to be forgiving. Forgiveness means that you forget why you were even

angry in the first place. Its very human to hate someone so strongly so that you canremember 20 years ago as if it were yesterday. Grace, communication.

Participant 4: I am also having difficulties with my neighbor. She is condescending about myparenting style.

Lauren: You need to learn how not to care. Shes not a family member, shes not your bestfriend. You need to not care. This is not saying hate them. But just let her be at adistance. Write up the purge. What is really going on? She reminds you of your mother.After the purge, figure out the lesson that you are supposed to learn. And then create howyou are now going to be. She is a nice woman who can be mean. You dont like her energy,so you keep your distance, and peacefully coexist.

Participant 5: I am all about balance these days. My research is going well, I amstrengthening relationships with high school friends, my students, my husband. I really cando it all, it just takes structure and scheduling.

Lauren: Go you!

Participant 6: I want to clean up things with a friend, but she doesnt want to talk to me.What do I do?



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Lauren: When I want to get a letter from someone, I write up what it would say. I evenwrite it to me. And I believe it came from them. I then feel settled. I trust that they willwrite me the letter some day. It is like manifesting. Creating a premonition. Its alreadydone.

Participant 7: I am working on a haunting where I got my parents to pull me out of summer

camp. It was because the guys in my bunk were into girls, and I didnt like how they weretalking about the girls. I just wanted to play basketball, but they werent playing as muchbasketball.

Lauren: That is not the full story. This was your third year at the camp. It was a Jewishcamp. Im sure the men and women were still separate. There was plenty of basketball.What was really going on that would elicit such a strong response from you?

Participant 8: I dont want to tell my dad (conservative Muslim man) that I am dating. Hedoesnt want to know.

Lauren: He is stuck in the stone age. Give him the choice: do you want to choose stone ageover getting to know me? Because I am going to do what I am going to do. So do you want

to be a part of it or not? I want you to be.

Participant 9: I am killing people off with these confessions. I give it and they are reallyhurt. So I think I will stop giving confessions.

Lauren: How about this. Put $20 on the table, and tell them that you are working on sayingthings nicely, and that if they leave feeling hurt or angry, they get the $20. Please help melearn. And start by practicing with people who love you. Tell people what you are practicing.

Participant 10: I had a long-standing promise to resolve a haunting with a girl from middleschool. I had predicted that she would be the first to get pregnant, and it turned out thatshe was, and I felt bad about it because it got back to her that I had said that. I apologized

to her, and she said that it was a non-issue to her. She thanked me for caring, and told methat she hadnt been holding it against me. And that she was glad to hear from me, andwould I please call again.

Gaby: And how did that feel?

Participant 10: It wasnt euphoric. There were a few tears around the eyes, but it wasnt likeoh my gosh. It wasnt a surprise.

Gaby: Here is my advice. This is not about getting the euphoria. Its about seeing how whatis a big deal for you is not a big deal for her. See how much time we spent convincing youto have this conversation? The lesson here is that you need to fix these things as they comeup. Things that arent attended to are like wrinkles in your sheets. If you get enough of

them, they stop you from sleeping. The goal here is to straighten out your wrinkles so youcan free up your energy. You had a lot of energy pent up in your hauntings.

We are stuck on having stupid conversations with people because we are chickens. Thisprevents us from having the even more important conversations. There is no free space.You are pent up. You cant communicate; there is no freedom.

Now that youve started, keep going. Follow this path, unwrinkled your sheets.



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Participant 11: My thing is that Im really guarded and dont share my feelings with people.Im afraid for being rejected for who I am and what I feel. So at my 30th birthday party, Iwent around to each of the 22 people at the party, and announced to the group why I wasthankful to have them in my life. It was an amazing moment. It was scary, and I almostbacked out several times. But it was the most amazing experience. I am the luckiest girl inthe world to have these people in my life.

Gaby: This is all so much bigger than the conversation itself. This is about you learning toput yourself and your ideas out there. To be vulnerable, to share yourself with others. Keeppracticing.

Participant 11: Yes. Now I understand myself better. Why am I like this, how did I get tothis point?

Participant 10: Do you think it made a difference in a community vs. one-on-one?

Participant 11: Yes. I think it made it even more powerful for me to do this in front of agroup. It also helped people get to know each other better.

Gaby: There is something important about communities. It adds a whole other dimension.Other people witness what is important to you. Like at weddings. It also connects people atthe event. Like you guys in the class are really connected to each other when one personshares and is intimate.

Participant 11: This opened up other doors to broach other topics with people. Im now likeits ok. I can do this.

Gaby: And what about your dad?

Participant 11: My parents have an interesting relationship. They have been married anddivorced several times, twice to each other, and had fidelity issues. My dad lives in Texas,

and I dont talk to him often. I called him last week, and started shooting the breeze, andthen thought to myself I can do this. I apologized for judging him for how he has been inrelationships. I dont want to be that person. Then I asked him if I could ask him questionsabout his relationships, because I have formed a lot of how I feel about relationships bylooking at him. He said I could, and to send him my questions in advance.

Gaby: When you do it, you want to make sure that you get through everything you want toget to. Maybe not in one conversation. Open up your relationship so you can approach himfrom now on.

Participant 12: So in other words, the key to resolving a haunting is to communicate openlyand honestly. Is that fair? Sometimes the hauntings are caused by a lack of an ability to dothat.

Gaby: Yes. The goal here is not to dwell on the incidents themselves. Its to learn abouttraits, and see how you are stuck in patterns. And then evolve them. Like participant 2began to wonder why she was this way, traced it back, and can now evolve differently.

Participant 13: I had a conversation with my father, and he point blank told me he didntwant to talk about it. He wouldnt go there. I explained why, told him I wanted to knowmore about him, and he said no. What do I do? Do I just leave it?



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Gaby: Tell him thats not only that I want to know about you and your history, but that itsalso about understanding mine. So I am always here, the door is open. Please forgive me ifI ask again, because I love you and I care about your life. The goal is to be light, so its notsuch a burden.

Gaby: (moving on) Would you really design a life that has these hang-ups from your past, if

you were designing from scratch? Of course not. So part of designing your life is clearing upthe past so you can be free of them. Forgive and forget. If you dont address the hauntings,you are stuck with bad theories that you developed from the incident. And the chicken andthe brat give you all sorts of justifications for continuing to believe the theories, and nottake on the haunting. There are two worlds: the world of the bad theory and chicken andbrat and haunting, and the world of being free and moving on.

Participant 14: I believe that I cant find the one. (lots of fear, justifications).

Gaby: You need to get all of this out. Write a letter to your last girlfriend. You wont besending it to her, but get it all out. We need to see what you are dealing with.

Participant 15: I had a family reunion, and I didnt feel like it was the right moment to bring

up this stuff with my parents.

Gaby: This is the chicken. Did you call your friend who was diagnosed with LG disease?

Participant 15: Sort of. Not really.

Gaby: You are robbing him of you, and the connection with you. You get to stir up somecourage for you, and then give some of this for him. This man is going to experience thingsyou dont even know about. Tell him you can be there for him. What are you taking on,concretely?

Participant 15: Ok, I promise to have a meeting with him in person this week.

Gaby: Freedom is on the other side, I promise.

Participant 16: I am trying to make amends with my brother. We talked and decided to alterit. But I find that I am the only one calling he doesnt call me. So I find myself going backto the same place I was in. I want a two-way street.

Gaby: This is all about being in integrity with your dream. You need to keep being open toyour brother because that is your dream. Unconditionally loving. You can communicate withhim and tell him that you are hurt that he isnt calling. This is all part of building andgrowing and designing a relationship. Make a request of him and design it with him.

Participant 17: I have realized that what I used to think was a bad memory is now a good

one.

Gaby: Nicely done. That is what happens when you clean something up.

Participant 18: When I cleaned up one of my hauntings, I realized that I wasnt the center-stage star of the event. I thought it was all my fault. But when I cleaned it up, I realizedthat there was so much more going on that I had no idea about.



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Desing Your Life

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