Dennis & Dee Mourn Steve Jobs

8/3/2019 Dennis & Dee Mourn Steve Jobs

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Dennis & Dee Mourn Steve Jobs

By

Shyam Popat

It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia spec script

Copyright 2011 Shyam Popat [email protected]



EXT. STREET/INT. BAR

10.30am.On a Monday.Philadelphia, PA.

CHARLIE and MAC walk towards the bar.

CHARLIEI just don’t get why you wouldwanna watch movies about a bunch offoreign people. I mean, what dothey have that you can’t get inAmerica?

MACThey’re Chinese or something, OK?And they do karate and jiu jitsuand kung fu and it’s awesome.

CHARLIEOK, that’s awesome, I get that, butwhat about the bits in between? Yougotta read all those subtitles andwait so long for the next kick-assfight. That can last, like, tenminutes man.

MACStory is important, Charlie. Itsets up dramatic tension so thatwhen the sweet moves come back on

we’re super pumped, because we’vebeen so bored for so long.

CHARLIEOh, that kinda makes sense...

Charlie and Mac enter the bar. It is dimly lit, with candlessupplying the only light. Patrons are scattered around.DENNIS and DEE stand, in silence, turned away from the frontdoor, looking down. Dennis wears a black turtleneck, Dee ablack dress. Dee cries, her make-up running over her cheeks.Mac and Charlie walk to them.

MACWhy the hell aren’t the lights on?

CHARLIEAre those candles scented?

(CONTINUED)



CONTINUED: 2.

DEENo, they’re not scented, Charlie.

CHARLIEI like the smell. Is that whatnormal candles smell like?

DENNISWe’re in mourning, Mac.

CHARLIEOh...

MACWho died?

Dennis and Dee part to reveal a framed picture, surroundedby candles, a wreath lies at its feet. The picture is ofSteve Jobs. A caption reads:

RIP Steve Jobs1955-2011

END OF TITLE SEQUENCE

CREDITS ROLL: DENNIS AND DEE MOURN STEVE JOBS

INT. PADDY’S PUB

CHARLIESo you never actually knew this

guy. Did you meet him?

MACNo, they never met Steve Jobs. Thisis so stupid.

DENNISYou’re stupid, Mac, if you’re notsad that we have lost a trueAmerican hero.

MACOK, Dennis. What makes this guy sogoddamn great?

DENNISUh, I dunno, maybe the fact that heinvented computers?

(CONTINUED)



CONTINUED: 3.

DEEAnd music on your iPod?

DENNISYeah, but then that goddamn pussynerd Bill Gates stole all of his

computer ideas and all that moneyand then gave it all to charity.

DEEPussy nerd!

Mac turns on the lights. Many in the bar cower in pain, andsquint. Mac proceeds to blow out many of the candles andgoes behind the bar. Charlie examines them.

MACYou guys are so goddamnpredictable. You idiots can waste

your time with this bullshit, but Iam opening the bar.

CHARLIEHey, the candles smell better whenthey’re not burning! These thingsare amazing!

Charlie walks out of shot.

DENNISIf you will have used your stupidfat eyes, you’d have noticed that

the bar is already open.

DEECan’t you see all of these sad,pathetic people in here?

MACYou were having a wake in the bar,Dee. It’s getting everyone down.

DEESo they’ll drown their sorrows!It’s perfect!

DENNIS(pleased with himself)

Genius, right? I thought of that.

DEENo, we both thought of it.

(CONTINUED)



CONTINUED: 4.

DENNISSure. You wanted the candles, Iwanted the wake, with the pictureand the people.

DEE

The candles gave the bar the senseof melancholy that we needed forthe plan to work.

DENNIS(to Mac, with condescension)

Melancholy. Listen to her.

Charlie returns, a candle in his hand. There is a welldefined bite-mark in it, as Charlie chews.

CHARLIEThese candles were your idea, Dee?

MACOh, Charlie, don’t eat the candles.

DEEThat is disgusting.

CHARLIEI was just nibbling.

FRANK enters. He holds a plastic bag, containing a DVD.

FRANK

Guys, guys. I have a great idea.

He stops at the picture.

FRANKWho’s this homo?

DENNISHe is not a homo, Frank.

DEEYou’re a homo.

DENNISThis is the late Steve Jobs.

Frank smashes through the set-up, stepping on the flowers,and sits at the bar. The picture falls, candles scatter.

(CONTINUED)



CONTINUED: 5.

FRANKWho gives a shit? Come over here,take a look. Get me a beer, wouldya, Mac?

DEE

Frank! You are ruining our wake.

DENNISMy chrysanthemums!

Frank takes the DVD out of the bag, as Mac ducks behind thebar for a drink.

FRANKHave you seen this? It’s calledHostel.

Mac returns with a beer.

MACYeah, I heard about that. Isn’tthat that movie with the collegekids getting tortured and killed onvacation?

DENNISYeah, the rich European guys payingmillions to do whatever they want,right?

FRANK

That’s the one! I love it! It’s afreakin’ goldmine!

MACGoldmine? What do you mean,goldmine?

FRANKWe can make a bundle! We turn thisplace into a hostel, like inHostel!

Beat.

DENNISAre you saying you want to killpeople in the bar? I mean, come on,Frank. That’s going too far. Ismoney more important than a life?

(CONTINUED)



CONTINUED: 6.

FRANKWe’re not gonna kill ’em! We’rejust gonna go find ’em! What thisother guy does to them isn’t ourproblem!

DENNISWhat do you mean? This guy’s gonnakill them!

FRANKOh, don’t be so dramatic. They’lljust... rough ’em up a little,that’s all.

Beat.

MACI’m OK with that.

DENNISWhat!?

MACLook, I need the money right now,OK? I’ve got a little bit ofdebt... and my diet is not cheap.

DEEOh, does all your food come fromhealth shops, Mac?

CHARLIENo, Frank, I like the sound ofmessing with some tourists. I mean,we don’t want any outside folkshere anyway, right? I mean, inthose movies, and it takes foreverto get to the fight scenes, theyjust yap, yap, yap. All thoseforeigners?

Charlie takes another bite.

DEEYour family’s from Ireland,Charlie.

CHARLIEWhat the hell are you saying? Myfamily is American, Dee. And welive in America, OK? We have thefreedom to do whatever we want. We

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)



CONTINUED: 7.

CHARLIE (cont’d)

can do a Hostel, and we can eatcandles, and we can be sad aboutthis guy- who is this guy again?

DENNIS

You people are completelyunappreciative of genius. We’regonna go to Sweet Dee’s apartmentto mourn. Come on, Dee.

Dee and Dennis leave. Frank turns to Mac and Charlie.

FRANKLet’s find us some meat!

INT. DEE’S APARTMENT

Dennis and Dee sit, watching news coverage of Steve Jobs’death.

DENNISSo early. So young.

DEEHe was taken in his prime.

DENNISTaken.

They sit, and continue to stare at the screen.

DENNISSo you wanna call the cops onFrank?

DEEOh, yeah.

Dee gets out a smartphone and begins tapping.

DENNISWoah, hey. When did you get that?

DEEIt’s an iPhone. Cool, huh?

DENNISThat’s really cool! How long haveyou had this?

He snatches it from Dee, and excitedly begins playing it.

(CONTINUED)



CONTINUED: 8.

DEEI bought it at some market for $50.

Dennis stops.

DENNIS

$50?

DEEUh-huh.

DENNISDee, this is probably a stolenphone. You say you bought it at amarket?

DEEYeah, I got it today when you wentinto the drugstore. Do you remember

those stalls?

Dennis smiles.

DENNISYes, I do.

INT. DEE’S APARTMENT - LATER

The door swings open, as Dennis and Dee enter with glee,hands full with bags of electronics.

DENNISI just can’t believe how cheap allof this stuff was!

DEEWho cares if it’s stolen?

DENNISThings get stolen all the time! Getover it. No point in whining.

DEEGet on with your lives, y’know?Stop living in the past.

Dennis takes out a box from one of his bags.

DEEOoh, what’s that?

(CONTINUED)



CONTINUED: 9.

DENNISiPod. 30 Gigabytes.

DEEThat doesn’t sound like a lot ofthose.

DENNISYeah, maybe you’re right.

Dennis throws the box onto a table and they continue toruffle through their bags.

DENNISWhat did you get?

Dee pulls out a box.

DEEiPad!

Dennis pulls out an identical box.

DEEOh, snap.

INT. PADDY’S PUB

Frank sits at a table, as Charlie and Mac walk in circles.Charlie continues to eat a candle.

FRANKCome on, guys, I need your helphere. I don’t know where thetourists go in this town!

MACDo you think we know where thetourists go, Frank?

CHARLIEI saw a bunch of gay dudes acrossfrom my apartment last night, maybethey’ll know?

MACWhy were you watching a bunch ofgay guys?

CHARLIEI don’t know, I’m throwing outideas here, I don’t see youthrowing out any ideas.

(CONTINUED)



CONTINUED: 10.

MACLet’s throw that idea out. Throwthose kinds of ideas straight out.

FRANKCharlie’s right. He’s the only one

doing the thinking here.

MACAlright, alright! What about ...Chinatown?

FRANKMy guy wants tourists, he doesn’twant immigrants! It’s not the same!

CHARLIELittle Italy?

FRANKOh, no. I’m not getting involvedwith the mob again. That shit getshairy, fast. They locked me up in acloset for three days! I had to eatwhatever I found in my bellybutton!

MACYou can’t wait three days beforeyou dig around in your goddamnbelly button, Frank? That’sdisgusting.

CHARLIEDo people perhaps like to tortureold ladies?

MAC(to Frank)

My Chinatown idea was better thanthat one!

CHARLIEI’m just saying, I know a knittingcircle...

Frank jumps off his seat.

FRANKOK, OK. This is going nowhere.

(CONTINUED)



CONTINUED: 11.

MACWhat about college kids?

Frank begins to walk to the door.

FRANK

That’s better than nothing. Comeon, let’s go.

Mac and Charlie follow.

MACHey, Frank, I want to ask yousomething.

Frank stops at the door, and turns.

MACWe’re not gonna do anything...

illegal are we? Like, kill people?

FRANKListen, Mac, I told ya already.We’re just gonna give them over tosome guy, and then we’re done withit. We’re not a guilty party, here.Our hands are clean!

MACOK...

Frank turns to the door again. Interrupted, he turns back.

MACAnd... we get some of this money,right?

FRANKIt’s a complicated situation, Mac.There’s bank transfers andlaundering and... y’know.

CHARLIEIf we’re gonna get somebodymurdered, I want to see some vigaction.

MACNo-one’s getting murdered, Charlie.And, Frank, you don’t have to tellus amounts just yet. I just wannaknow so I don’t worry.

(CONTINUED)



CONTINUED: 12.

FRANKOK. Yeah. You’ll get a cut.

He leaves. Mac and Charlie high-five, and leave.

INT. COFFEE SHOP

Dennis and Dee sit on couches, in between them is a table.Their hair is ruffled, they have visibly not slept. Both areusing their iPads, coffee cups and food packages lay strewnacross the table. A WAITRESS walks to the two.

WAITRESSHello again.

They do not respond.

WAITRESS

Guys, I’m gonna have to ask you tokeep this area clean. I’ve warnedyou about this already.

Dennis waves her away. Insulted, she stays.

WAITRESSHey! What do you people thinkyou’re doing?

Dee looks up at her, then over to Dennis, who proceeds tolook up too. They put down their iPads.

DENNISLady, we are in mourning. We aremourning the death of an Americanhero.

DEEHis name was Steve Jobs. Do youeven know who that is?

DENNISOf course she doesn’t. She’s awaitress. Do you think she’seducated?

DEENo, I don’t. She looks stupid.

DENNISAnd fat.

(CONTINUED)



CONTINUED: 13.

DEEShe is horribly fat.

DENNISAnd she needs to get her fat assback to work, before something bad

happens.

DEEYou don’t want to make us angry.We’re in mourning.

They stare up, silently. The waitress, overcome with angryembarassment, leaves. The two looks back at their iPads.

DEEWhat are you doing?

DENNIS

I’m buying things online.

DEEMe too. I’m bidding on colourediPad cases on eBay!

DENNISMe too! But some asshole keepsoutbidding me.

Beat.

DENNIS

Wait. Are you littlemisshotpants?

DEEpussymagnet69?

Beat. Simultaneously:

DENNISYou stop bidding on that right now!

DEEIt’s mine!

They descend into argument.



14.

INT. COLLEGE HALLWAY

Frank, Mac and Charlie stand in a corridor, its walls linedwith boards and notices. A typical college hallway. Charlieand Mac walk together, looking vigilant, as Frank examinesthe walls and looks inside rooms alone.

CHARLIESo this is what a college lookslike, huh? It’s not what I wasexpecting.

MACWhat exactly were you looking for?

CHARLIEFree drinks? Butlers? Expensivefood and hot women and a fireplacemaybe? And wood, like, lining the

walls, lots of wood.

MACCharlie, that sounds like a countryclub.

CHARLIEI mean, it costs so much to gohere. This place isn’t that nice.It reminds me of my apartmentbuilding.

MAC

This place is nothing like that.

CHARLIEIt’s kinda like that.

MACThe smell, specifically, is verydifferent.

CHARLIEYeah, this place smells different.

MACIt’s almost like it’s been cleaned.

CHARLIEThat does seem to be the case.

Charlie licks a wall, out of curiosity, as Frank returns tothe group, defeated.

(CONTINUED)



CONTINUED: 15.

FRANKThis place is a goddamn ghost town.There’s no-one here!

MACThis one might be my fault, guys.I’m pretty sure it’s Spring Break

right now.

FRANKGoddammit, Mac! Well, now what arewe gonna do?

Charlie takes another bite out of his candle, as Mac looksaround frantically.

CHARLIEShoulda asked those gay guys.

MAC

Wait, wait! I got it!

Mac rips off a flyer from the wall. Mac gives it to Frank.

FRANKFree English language classesoffered to affiliate students overSpring Break, room 2.04, Wednesdaysand Fridays, 2pm.

He looks up at Mac.

FRANKThat’ll do.

EXT. COLLEGE COURTYARD

Frank stands, waiting by his car. A door opens, and studentsof all races begin to pour out. Mac and Charlie leave, asMac has his arm over the shoulder of ASIF, a thin, Arabicman of around 20. Mac leads him to Frank.

FRANKWhat is this guy, Mexican?

CHARLIENo, he’s a gypsy.

MACNo, he’s Egyptian. This is our newfriend, Asif. He’s looking for sometemp work, and we own a bar, so hecan work at the bar, right, Frank?

(CONTINUED)



CONTINUED: 16.

Frank examines the man.

FRANKHe’s kinda skinny.(to ASIF)Don’t they feed you where you’re

from?

ASIF(replying in an Americanaccent)

I’m from Jersey.

Frank jumps back.

FRANKWoah! This guy speaks English fine!What are you, some kind of MiddleEastern spy? Because we got Osama,

you know. The war on terror’s over!

MACNo, Asif teaches English here,Frank.

Frank pulls Mac aside.

FRANKHe’s no tourist. I told you Ididn’t want immigrants, Mac.

ASIF

Uh, I’m not an immigrant, guys. Iwas born here.

MACNo-one else wanted to talk to theus because Charlie was eating thatstupid candle!

CHARLIEHey, I heard that! This candle isdelicious.(he gestures to ASIF)Wanna try?

Asif refuses.

FRANKOK, I guess he’ll do. Come on.

They get in the car and drive away.



17.

INT. PADDY’S PUB

Frank and Mac stand in the office, speaking in hushed tones.Charlie and Asif sit in the bar, visibly bonding. Frankholds a bottle of pills, and some yarn.

FRANK

OK, here’s the plan. You put thisroofie in the towelhead’s drink,he’s out, cold. We tie him up withsome of this yarn that Charlie gotfrom his knitting circle, then Icall my guy and tell him we’ve gothim some nice fresh meat to playwith.

MACWhy do you keep calling him ’meat’?Is he gonna die, Frank? Tell me thetruth.

FRANKOK, yeah. He’s gonna die.

MACOh, Frank. Frank. You know I can’tlet you do this.

Beat.

FRANKHow much?

MAC500.

FRANKDone.

MAC(excitedly)

Alright!

Mac jumps out of the office into the bar. Frank follows, andlocks the office. He takes the key and puts it on the bar.

Charlie bites his candle.

CHARLIEEh, what’s up, Mac?

FRANK(to Asif)

So, you want a job, huh? I thinkwe’ve got something for ya.

(CONTINUED)



CONTINUED: 18.

ASIFThat would be great. Do you haveany information on the position?

FRANK(to Mac)

Mac, get young Jose here a drink.

CHARLIE(to Asif)

Want some candle?

ASIFFor the last time, no. Do you haveany real food?

CHARLIEOh, they haven’t kept any food herefor a while. But they’ve got plenty

of candles in the office. Are yousure you don’t want one? There’s abunch of different colours.

Mac hands Asif a bottled beer, after discreetly slipping apill into it.

ASIFOh, I’m sorry. I’m Muslim. I don’tdrink.

MACCome on, just one drink.

FRANKJust a little drink.

MACI mean, one drink can’t hurt, canit?

ASIFNo, no. I really don’t drink atall.

CHARLIEHey, ease off, guys. The guydoesn’t want a drink.

MAC(intensely)

Drink it.

(CONTINUED)



CONTINUED: 19.

ASIFI really will not drink this.

MACDrink it, goddamn it!

CHARLIE

Hey, Mac, what’s your problem?

MAC(to CHARLIE)

I just want him to drink thegoddamn beer!

CHARLIEWho cares if he doesn’t want it?This is America!

ASIFI don’t want your beer!

Mac lunges forwards with the bottle.

MACDrink it, you bastard!

CHARLIEI’ll drink it, alright!?

Charlie rips the bottle from Mac’s hand and begins to chugthe beer. Frank and Mac jump at him, trying desperately tostop him. Charlie finishes it, and burps. He places it backon the bar, victoriously.

CHARLIEWoo! Yeah! America!

MACCharlie, you’ve gotta puke thatthing up, man!

CHARLIEWhy? I totally just chugged thatbeer hard.

MACBecause, goddamn it, I put a roofiein there!

ASIF & CHARLIEWhat!?

Mac turns to Frank.

(CONTINUED)



CONTINUED: 20.

MACOh...

FRANK(to Mac)

Get him!

CHARLIEGet me!?

FRANK(pointing to Asif)

No, get him!

Mac jumps desperately for Asif, who dodges and grabs theempty bottle. He smashes it on Charlie’s head and uses theother half as a weapon. He slashes at Mac, and advances onthe group, who are forced to retreat into the office. Theyall yell, indiscriminately. Frank’s key drops on the floor.Asif bangs the door closed, and locks it with Frank’s key,

leaving the key in the door. He proceeds to run out of thebar.

FRANKOh, no! My key! He got my key!

MACDid he lock it? Did he lock us in?

FRANKHe locked us in!

CHARLIEMy head!

FRANKHe got Charlie!

INT. COFFEE SHOP

Dennis and Dee still sit, on their iPads. The surroundingenvironment is completely destroyed, with spilt coffee, foodand packaging everywhere. They are silent. A WAITRESS walksto the two, alongside the MANAGER.

MANAGERExcuse me, it has come to myattention that you have beeninsulting my staff. I’m going tohave to ask you to please leave.

They do not respond. The MANAGER puts his hands over theiriPads.

(CONTINUED)



CONTINUED: 21.

MANAGERUh, excuse me!

The two look up sharply, their eyes narrow and evil.

EXT. STREET

Dennis and Dee walk down the street, iPads out. They tapaway furiously.

DENNISSo we’re no longer welcome in thatcoffee place.

DEEThere’s plenty of coffee places.

DENNISI’ve found thirteen in this zip

code alone.

DEEWell, they just lost some very goodbusiness.

DENNISThere’s one on this block. Followme.

They turn down an alleyway. RICKETY CRICKET appears, knifein hand.

RICKETY CRICKETGive ’em here. Give them to me!Now!

DENNISHey! Rickety Cricket! What are youdoing with that knife?

DEEAre you gonna stab us, Cricket?

RICKETY CRICKETOh, Sweet Dee. I won’t stab you,don’t worry.

Beat. Rickety Cricket stabs Dennis. Dee screams as he ripsthe iPad from her hands, while Dennis screeches in pain. HisiPad is taken, too. Rickety Cricket runs away. The two areleft screaming - Dennis on the ground, holding his wound;Dee grieving her loss. She raises her hands to the sky.

(CONTINUED)



CONTINUED: 22.

DEEWhy, Steve!?

INT. PADDY’S PUB

3 days later.

Inside the office, Frank and Mac lie, their shirts lifted toreveal their stomachs. Mac roots around his belly button asFrank licks his own fingers. Charlie sits on the chair,half-eaten candle in hand, multiple wicks on the desk. Hishead has been crudely bandaged with newspaper.

CHARLIEI can’t believe you won’t try thesecandles. They’re delicious.

MACShut up, Charlie.

Mac looks at his finger, and licks it. Charlie takes out thebottle of pills and drinks from it.

CHARLIEThey go really well with thesepills, Mac. You shouldn’t judgethem without trying.

Dennis and Dee enter the empty bar. Glass is strewn on thebar, some on the floor.

DEEWatch out. Don’t walk too fast.

DENNISI can’t believe those guys didn’tcome and visit me. I was in thehospital for days, goddamn it. Nothours, days!

He winces from the pain.

DEELook at this mess. Where are those

bastards?

DENNISCheck the office.

Dee walks towards the office door and unlocks it. The dooropens, and they stare at each other. Beat.

CREDITS.

Dennis & Dee Mourn Steve Jobs

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