Den of Dragons.pdf

7/27/2019 Den of Dragons.pdf

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Den of Dragons by Sid River Sid River Visit www.bytheriverside.co.uk for info & more scripts

Den of Dragons by Sid River

Background This is a spoof of a well known TV show where budding entrepreneurs

squirm for money to fund their projects from miserly businessmen and

women. Its based on children coming into the Den (as it shall henceforthbe known) and asking for money for new toys. I wrote this as an extra

scene in an end of year review and cast the characters with children who

brought out the various personalities wonderfully. If the actors can do

accents, it makes the whole thing a lot funnier.

Parts Description

Presenter: Ant n Dec rolled into one, with a bit of Chris Tarent and a splash of Bru-

cie. You get the idea. Dressed all in black for sinister effect.

Ebenezer Scrimp Stingy Scrooge-like school head teacher who will go to any lengths to savea few pennies in the school budget.

Hilda Brassmangler Owner of Super-laundrette Smalls n more, Ms Brassmangler likes to

think that shes posh and a cut above the rest but underneath the flim

flam, shes another money grabbing miser.

Carlton Nibblet The worlds angriest and most miserable man. Like to shout and thinks all

young people are long-haired layabouts.

Magenta

Chrysanthemum-

Sweeney

New age hippie woman who feels that spoiling children rotten is the best

policy. However there is a line she will not cross when her own son is in-

volved.

Marcie Gumboot Six year old spoilt kid who starts off shy but give her an inch, and shell

take the whole cake!

Todd Sweeney Gun happy boy commando. Would feel more at home in the A-Team movie.

A real danger to suburban neighbourhoods. Oh, and Magentas son!

Stage hand Doing his best to keep all the talent happy and the programme running

smoothly. Becomes a victim of miser-bullying and hides behind his clip-

board.

Notes

The use of dramatic music can really help this sketch along.


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Dragons den by Sid River

There are 4 empty chairs with small tables next to them, each

with a glass of water and a pile of money on them. A black suited

presenter enters the stage to theme music and stage hands hold

up applause cards.

Presenter: Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to a very special

edition of Den of Dragons, coming to you live from the hallowed

halls of the Local School canteen, where the unmistakable whiff of

three week old spaghetti hangs delicately in the air . . . and from

some of the light fittings! (cymbal crash) Tonight we meet 4 more

young entrepreneurs who are desperate, and lets face it, theyd

have to be to come on this show (cymbal crash) Yes, desperateto

gain financial investment for their latest toy related projects. Letshave a look at them (4 contestants walk on stage in various stages

of worry, biting nails, praying, holding teddy and sucking thumb,

drinking huge cup of coffee) Yes, there they are ladies and gentle-

men, the poor unfortunate saps who are going to risk everything to

enter . . . (pause for dramatic music, contestants run off scared)

THE DEN OF DRAGONS!

Audience applause. Presenter walks to side of stage.Presenter: And of course, this programme would not be complete without our

crack team of miserable, stingy, penny-pinching, money-grabbing

experts. Please welcome . . . The Dragons!

More applause. Four grim looking characters enter wearing busi-

ness suits and sit on chairs. He walks over to Dragon 1 and talks to

him.

Presenter: Dragon number one is Mr Ebenezer Scrimp, Head teacher of a local

primary school. Tell us Mr Scrimp, what sort of proposed invest-

ment is going to convince you to part with your money tonight.

Mr Scrimp: (laughing) Well, let me tell you, I like to run a very tight ship and

account for every single penny spent in my school budget. Why only

last year I was able to save a fortune by recycling left over semo-

lina pudding from the canteen and using it instead of PVA glue in

the Year six classrooms!

Presenter: Surely not! What about the terrible smell, and the flies!


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Mr Scrimp: Yes, well I agree, Year six classrooms have always been unpleas-

ant places to work, but the new glue helped to mask the smell of

armpits and feet, AND we managed to save 49.27 in the proc-

ess.

Presenter: (sarcastically) Hmmm, well worth it then! (walks over to dragon

2) Dragon number 2 is Ms Hilda Brassmangler, owner of Smalls

n more, a very successful string of super-laundrettes. Tell me

Mrs Brassmangler, what exactly is a super-laundrette?

Hilda: Well, a super laundrette does exactly what it says on the soap

powder packet, its a laundrette, and its SOOPER! (laughs like a

horse-pig) Whilst you sit there sprucing up your smalls in themachines, you can kill the time by having your nails done, surfing

the web or sipping one of our special coffees. My personal fa-

vourite is the Skinny-chocca-lotta-mucka-latte! (laugh again)

Presenter: And what kind of investment are you looking for today?

Hilda: Well, of course Im looking to invest in toys that are educational

and business orientated. None of this plastic, noisy, flashing-

light, action, adventure rubbish!

Presenter: (sarcastically) Yes, who needs fun anyway! On to Dragon number

3. Mr Carlton Nibblet. Now, as a parent of neo-teenage children

yourself Mr Nibblet, what will you be looking for?

Mr Nibblet: (looking permanently angry and bad tempered) Id be looking to

give them all a good clip round the ear!

Presenter: (surprised) Sorry, come again?

Mr Nibblet: (banging the arm of the chair) You heard me! A good clip roundthe ear! Thats what they all deserve, the ungrateful, good-for-

nothing long-haired layabouts. They swan in from school after

sleeping at the back of the classroom, dump their stinking train-

ers on the floor then proceed to raid the fridge and slob out in

front of the TV eating ice-cream and grated cheese! Why if I

had my way Id . . .

Presenter: YES, well lets just move on to our next Dragon Ms Magenta

Chrysanthemum-Sweeney! Now, Magenta, I understand that youare a fully qualified child-minder.


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Magenta: Yes thats right, I dont mind children at all! (laughs like a drain)

No, I think its lovely that all these delightful kiddies are given a

chance to express themselves like this. I think its so important

for their development for them to feel happy and contented and

get whatever they ask for!

Presenter: Well, thank you Magenta. Thats a . . . lovely name isnt it?

Magenta: Yes it is. My parents named me after a printer ink cartridge!

Presenter: Right. . . O . . . K. (turning back to audience) Well I think its time

to meet our first unfortunate but brave entrepreneur. Please

welcome 6 year old, Marcie Gumboot.

Stage hands hold up applause cards. Young girl comes on stage

looking extremely nervous. She is holding a filthy Barbie by thehair.

Presenter: Greetings Marcie. Now I understand that you are going to be

asking for 12.99 for a new Barbie doll. Is that correct?

Marcie: (looking around at the audience nervously) Yeeess.

Presenter: And what going to be your approach? Your business strategy?

Marcie: (looking even more frightened and confused) Yeeess.

Presenter: No, I mean what are you tactics?

Marcie: (Nods enthusiastically) I like Tic tacs!

Presenter: Right . . . Erm . . . well, OK. I think its high time Marcie, that you

entered . . . THE DEN OF DRAGONS! (loud dramatic music,

Marcie looks petrified and stands still sucking her thumb. Pre-

senter gives her a little push and whispers) Go on, get in there,

or your parents wont get their 200 quid!

Marcie walks in and stands there doing nothing. The Dragons lookat each other impatiently.

Mr Scrimp: Hello? (no response) I said hello. Whats your name?

Marcie: (standing there swinging her hips) Maaarcie.

Mr Scrimp: Hello Marcie. Well this is your chance. Pitch us your idea.

Marcie: (She looks wide-eyed from one dragon to another and then holds

out the dirty Barbie by the hair) I want a new Barbie!

There is a brief silence. All the dragons look at each other andshake their heads in dismay.


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Hilda: Is that it? Is that your best sales pitch Marcie?

Mr Nibblet: Huh, She didnt even say please! Not even once!

Marcie: (hands on hips) Please can I have a new Barbie?

Mr Nibblet: Oh no you dont! Its no good now, not after I reminded you to sayit. Please should be the first word on your lips young lady if you

want us to part with our hard earned cash! Look at her, 6 years

old and already rude and ungrateful! Well Im sorry Marcie but

you havent convinced me, Im OUT!

Mr Scrimp: Id just like to ask Marcie, what exactly is wrong with your old

Barbie. From where Im sitting it seems to have hair, and legs and

arms, and eyes!

Marcie: One eye! One arm!

Mr Scrimp: Well youre just not thinking creatively enough Marcie. A one-

eyed, one-armed Barbie could be just the thing that young girls

are crying out for. (sounding excited) Yes, put a small patch over

the eye for example and screw a curtain hook in the shoulder

socket and hey presto, Pirate Barbie!

Marcie: Dont wanna pirate! Wanna pop star!

Mr Scrimp: (impatiently) Well Im sorry Barbie, I mean Marcie, I think youreally ought to adopt a more mature attitude to recycling and re-

using! And for that reason, Im out!

Hilda: (shaking head patronisingly) Marcie, Marcie, Marcie! What can I

say? I just dont think youve taken your opportunity seriously

enough. I mean where are your projection figures? Your compara-

tive sales prices? Your flip charts? Your Multimedia presenta-

tions? You didnt even wipe your nose properly before you came

out here!

Marcie: (sniffs and wipes nose on sleeve) How about a My-little pony

then?

Hilda: Sorry Marcie, Im out!

Magenta: (All misty eyed) Ahh, I remember my first Barbie, Motorcycle

Maintenance Barbie complete with model Suzuki 125 and genuine

grease spots on the overalls. I think its so important for young

children to assert themselves with constructive role play and

positive career models, dont you Marcie?Marcie: Erm . . . What?


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Magenta: Oh Marcie, you are a sweetie. What Im trying to say is that I

have decided to finance your project. You may have your Barbie!

Marcie: (suddenly looking interested) Cool! (she steps forward and puts

her hands on her hips) Can I have the jeep, cliff top penthouse

and full surf and beauty party accessory pack too!

Magenta: Erm . . . I dont see why not, I think its really important for a

young girl to . . .

Marcie: . . . And the My little pony Hollywood superstar gymkhana play

set with fillable horse swimming pool and barbeque features! And

the . . .

Magenta: Hey! Kid! Dont push your luck! Now scram!

Marcie pulls a sulky face, throws her Barbie on the floor and

blows a loud raspberry before stomping off.

Presenter: (leading applause from the audience) Ah, there she goes ladies

and gentlemen, the adorable Barbie . . . I mean Marcie. Our first

successful project pitch of the evening. Now, moving on, our next

money grabbing hopeful to bravely assault the Dragons Den is

ten year old wannabe commando, Todd Sweeny (applause as a boy

in paratrooper gear commando rolls on to the stage and pretends

to fire a machine gun and throw a grenade at the panel and audi-ence. Stage hands hold up oooh and aaaah cards. He makes loud

sound effects)

Presenter: Whoa there young fella-me-lad! (he pats Todd on the back) Now,

Todd . . . Sweeney Todd! Thats rather an interesting name you

have there. Was your father a Barbie . . . I mean a barber?

Todd: (looking confused) A barber? No! What are you talking about you

crazy fool?

Presenter: Oh, I just thought, you know, Sweeney Todd, the demon barber

of Fleet Street. Thought you might be named after him! (Todd

continues to look blank. The presenter laughs nervously) Never

mind young Todd, its about time that you entered . . . THE DEN

OF DRAGONS!

Music plays and Todd fetches a flip chart from the side of the

stage and puts it in front of the Dragons.

Hilda: Ahh, this is more like it, a proper sales pitch! Todd, tell us aboutyour project!


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Todd flips over the paper on the flip chart to reveal a diagram

of a complicated looking sniper rifle. He taps it with a baton.

Todd: (struts around like a military commander) This, ladies and gen-

tlemen, is the Russian made MXJ42-3000 assault rifle, the most

sophisticated piece of military hardware found anywhere on the

shelves of Toys-R-Us. Its triple drilled 14 inch barrel comes

mounted with state of the art cross-hair telescopic sights, quick

-change side loading 3mm plastic pellet magazine, polished ply-

wood handle and a comprehensive range of glow-in the-dark

army stickers.

Mr Nibblet: I dont believe it! Will you look at that. In my day we just had

pea-shooters and a cap gun! The kids of today are just not satis-

fied with the simple things in life!Hilda: Its certainly a very impressive piece of kit Todd. How much are

you asking for exactly.

Todd: A complete bargain at one hundred and forty nine pounds and

ninety nine pee!

Mr Nibblet: (aghast!) ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY NINE POUNDS!

Todd: And ninety nine pee!

Hilda: One hundred and fifty quid for a toy water pistol. Are you seri-ous Todd!

Todd: Its a small price to pay for neighbourhood security and peace of

mind!

Hilda: (laughs condescendingly) I think our neighbourhood will be quite

secure without armed teenagers stalking through the under-

growth, thank you very much! Im sorry Todd, Im out!

Todd: (pointing his stick aggressively) You wont be saying that when

youre beset with a . . . with a . . . (struggling to think of an ex-ample) plague of sparrows or something!

Mr Scrimp: (folding arms) Todd? I thought this was just a water pistol. You

mean to tell me you actually shoot sparrows with this thing!

Todd: (standing to attention) Only if they enter restricted air space.

Mr Scrimp: (holding his palms up) Im sorry Todd, but school policy number

453278-b No small feathered migrating creature will be un-

necessarily shot at, no matter what the provocation! prevents

me from supporting you in this venture. Im out! What about youCarlton?


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Mr Nibblet: (standing up and shouting) Are you crazy? The boys a loony!

Probably been playing far too many violent computer games or

watching video-nasties on the cartoon channel. If I had my way

Id send them all to boot camp! Hard work and cold showers!

Thatd teach them some discipline! (stamps foot) Im OUT!

Hilda: Well, that just leaves you then Magenta.

Magenta: Well . . . I do think its important for young children to assert

themselves with constructive role play and positive career mod-

els . . .

Todd: (grins) Excellent!

Magenta: . . . But Im a little concerned Todd by the somewhat militaristic

nature of this toy and Im afraid Im going to have to . . .Todd: Owww! But Mum, you said if I came on this stupid show then I

could have a new toy!

Magenta: (hissing angrily) Yes, but I didnt realise you were going to ask

for a 10 megaton nuclear weapon, did I! (folding arms)

Mr Nibblet: Hang on a minute, is he your son. (standing up with hands on

hips) I protest! This is all highly irregular!

Magenta: (smiling sweetly) I dont know what youre talking about, Ive

never seen him before in my life!

Magenta: Be quiet! Anyway, Your father and I didnt promise anything, we

just said well see!

Todd: (having a small tantrum) Well see!!! Thats what all you parents

say when you really mean no and youre just trying to shut us up!

Magenta: (looking guilty and unsure) No . . . It means well see!

Todd: (pointing angrily and shouting) Its not fair! You havent heardthe last of this! (removal men try to drag him off shouting)

Come the revolution, then well see! Well see when someone

wants 1.25 for The mail on Sunday or 89p for a bar of fruit

and nut! WELL SEE!!

Todd is carried off by stage hands and the presenter comes

back on.

Presenter: (grimacing) Well . . . Erm . . . Thank you Todd Sweeny. Now erm .

. . Wed better get on to out next contestant! Please could youwelcome to the Den Of Dragons 9 year old Martin . . .

Todd: Mother! How could you!


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A stage hand with clip board and ear-piece has crept up be-

hind the presenter and coughs to interrupt and whispers in-

tensely.

Stage hand: (Cough) Ahem. Hes not here!Presenter: What? What do you mean?

Stage hand: Martin. Hes erm . . . not here. Hes . . . erm . . . run away.

Presenter: Run away?

Stage hand: Yes. It seems he got scared by the shouting and legged it out

of the canteen fire exit.

Presenter: I dont believe this! Well what about the other one, Tarquin

something or other. Is he still here?

Stage hand: Oh yes, hes still here . . .

Presenter: Well get him out here then! Pronto!

Stage hand: . . . but hes locked himself in the toilets and is too scared to

come out!

Presenter: (exasperated) Well . . . Cant we do something! Cant we send

Todd in to break down the door and flush him out?Stage hand: Not really. It was Todd that chased him in there!

Presenter: Oh fantastic! Thats just really great! They told me down the

agency never to work with children and (points at the drag-

ons) animals! (turns back to the audience) Well it seems ladies

and gentlemen, that this weeks program is at an end. Weve

met two lovely kids and four even lovelier hideous reptiles.

Join us again next week at the same time when itll be the

turn of the head teacher to enter the Dragons Den and askfor extra money towards his retirement fund. Goodbye till

then.

Other stage hands hold up placards with Applause written on

them. All the people on the stage freeze with artificial smiles

while the theme music plays and the lights dim. Then they all

relax and frown as the programme ends & lights come back on.

Presenter: Right, thats it, Im off. You better call the fire brigade and

get that kid out the loo before the viewers write in and com-plain. (presenter storms off leaving the stage hand alone)


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Mr Scrimp: Excuse me, but when will we get our fee.

Stage hand: The cheques will be sent in the post at the end of the month.

Hilda: Hang on a minute, I asked for cash. That was the deal, half an

hours work for 500 quid cash in hand.

Mr Nibblet: 500 QUID! Thats not fair! They only offered me 300 plus

expenses. Why is she getting 500?

Magenta: Expenses? You got expenses? They didnt even offer me the

price of a bus ticket!

Mr Nibblet: I came down in a limo, can I claim the petrol. Im not coming

again unless I get petrol money.

Hilda: What about my 500 quid?

Mr Scrimp: Can I claim for the two sausage rolls I ate in the car park?

Magenta: I never even got sausage rolls!

Stage hand: (Holds up hands and tries to quieten them down) Listen! OK

listen! Lets all just go through to the office and we can fill in

all the forms so you can get your money!

They all start to leave the stage grumbling and moaning. Theystop and look suddenly as Marcie comes back on to pick up her

old Barbie. She looks at the battered doll, sighs sadly and

walks back off stage. The dragons all shake their heads.

Mr Nibblet: Honestly, kids today. Theyre just so ungrateful!

End

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